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Recent content by drakensis

  1. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I hope your situation improves.
  2. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Some repetition of the Old Guards rejecting people. I remain unclear about what happened to Tsamma to have Capellan occupation. Its rather deep inside the Federated Suns by my understanding. Reference to Kittery Militia may be better expressed as their Home Guard which is what they call their...
  3. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    In your own time.
  4. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I think the Banshee refit has been mentioned before, although my initial response was that it was early for the BNC-3S. Ardan Sortek is 9 at the moment, so he's probably not a leftenant. Are the 2nd Davion Guards close to where Jasmine and Kara are studying? An overnight reply suggests same...
  5. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    19th Striker being a restoration of a lost command could be made clearer Lexington & lackland sites are repeats. MML development is repeated Jasmine's authority criticism and Kara's warehouse criticism are also repeats The assessments of the status of the six refit groups are repeated. Liam's...
  6. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Please don't take this as saying I dislike your story, but this chapter has the same problem as previous ones: it's not one chapter, its two drafts of the same chapter in one coat. I don't know what will work for you but I suggest waiting on posting a chapter before posting. Give it a week or...
  7. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Also, the scene of Ian's first council meeting is disjointed, I think the ending part may have been moved into the middle of the scene.
  8. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    New Avalon Military Academy is on New Avalon. References to going from NAMA to New Avalon are therefore incorrect. You may mean Avalon City, the capital, or Castle Davion (the royal residence).
  9. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    To be clear, I am enjoying the story. Beta Readers do help a lot.
  10. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Two criticisms: 1. Wolf Dragoons do not exist at this time. 2. Repeatedly having the same events come up, whether in the same chapter or from a previous one, is poor planning and disrupts reader attention. You had the Bell attacked this chapter exactly as it was last time. The ComStar...
  11. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    There are some incidents such as Tomas Vale's return that are repeated - not word-for-word, but as events. It may be intentional, but if so I do not recommend it as it feels like padding (even if that's not the goal). If it's accidental, I can only recommend reviewing before posting.
  12. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I find this a compelling read. There is one issue I found: you mention sending Northwind standards back there, but I found no prior mention of them before a report they arrive. This may have been omitted by accident.
  13. drakensis

    Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    This was hard to read, I suggest going back and splitting paragraphs up by who is speaking/acting to clarify the situation. For example: Pasha took a few minutes to join them. A few more for the man to come out of the effects. Gene shifted his weight, "Pasha says I should let you call...
  14. drakensis

    Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    Please review your line spacing, it's making it hard to say who is talking.
  15. drakensis

    Forging Ahead (GURPS Interstellar Wars/Celestial Forge)

    Yeah, a Jump-5 with theoretical possibilities of Jump-9 would probably be a slightly more plausible first result to show off to investors.
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