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Chapter 81 - The Healing Begins
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Joe allowed the hug to persist for a time. However, eventually, he had to pat the blonde on the back a few times to signpost to her that it was time to pull away. "Alright, alright, we're good, we're good. Come on, we gotta talk about a few other things."
Anis complied, withdrawing her arms with a sigh. "Okay, um, can I start?"
To that, Joe nodded, ceding the metaphorical stage to her.
"Okay, well," she cleared her throat, lightly wringing her hands. "I- I understand, Joe. E-everything you said. About hiding and locking yourself away, I- I do the same. I'm the same way. I've been Rapi's partner for so many years, yet, I know almost nothing about her… Go figure, she turned out to be a wayward member of Goddess."
She scoffed and grimaced.
"Talk about a blind spot."
"Now that's just being unfair to yourself," Joe noted matter-of-factually. "Even Rapi herself didn't know that. How were you supposed to?"
"But I never even tried to find out!" Anis asserted, expression twisting in guilt-ridden distaste. "I never asked about who she was beyond a soldier. Never asked about her hobbies, her interests, family, her friends, where she lived, if she remembered the time before she was a Nikke. I just didn't. Barely even probed at first, then just stopped when she hardly even stonewalled me."
With a heavy grimace, Anis continued.
"It was easier to just be an acquaintance. Fight alongside her, and let her stay aloof, distant and junk once we got back from the surface. Most I actually did was like, make her eat from my plate and drink from my glass whenever we ate together."
Joe remembered seeing that happen a few times. In one way, it was kind of cute. In another, it was sad, given how Rapi would insist on exclusively eating something like plain bread if she wasn't forced to do otherwise.
It was small, but it was telling about how Anis did care for Rapi, and wanted the smaller blonde to let herself enjoy literally anything more than she did. Anis was a good person with a bad tendency to project her misery at everyone around her.
Regardless, the man replied: "Anis, you know enough about Rapi now to know that she didn't have much to tell you. Nor would she have, if she could have. For your own safety, if nothing else."
Anis paused, averting her gaze as she inquired, "And you? Neon? Those iDolls, 'Sunny,' 'Mia,' and the other one I've never even tried to get to know?"
"Cammie," Joe informed the blonde of her new squadmate's newly-granted name.
"Oh great, so it turns out she does have a name and I just didn't know," Anis grumbled. "Really goes a long way to prove me wrong, that sure does boy do it ever," she sarcastically asserted.
Joe took a long, deep breath at that. "Why don't you try to get to know your comrades, then?" He started. Best to start at the source of the issue.
At that, Anis clammed up, clearly not wanting to answer.
Joe gave her a few moments to reconsider. When she didn't, the man let out a shallow sigh as he pressed on. "Anis, we aren't going to make progress on anything if you refuse to open up to anyone about anything."
For as uncomfortable as Anis seemed to be, she did rapidly grow uncertain, and did ultimately reply. "...If I ask about other people, they might ask about me."
Joe blinked owlishly. "Yeah, that's how that tends to work?" He said confusedly.
"I don't want anyone asking about me," the blonde said in a deflated tone.
"Why not?" Joe asked.
Again, Anis clammed up. At that point, Joe felt absolutely gobsmacked, inquiring, "Are you the Rapture Queen?"
Anis recoiled, eyes going wide as though she'd been slapped with a fish. "H-Huh!? What the- No! What is that even supposed to-"
"So you're a Heretic?" Joe pressed.
"-Bwah!?" Anis choked and coughed.
"The secret CEO of Tetra Line?" The man did not relent.
"No!" Anis cried, looking at Joe as though he'd grown a second head and proclaimed himself to be a giant aardvark with absolute conviction and certainty.
Joe stared at the blonde blankly. "Then what do you have to hide about yourself that's more absurd and wild than the fact that I'm the Commander of Goddess, Rapi is Little Red Riding Hood of Goddess, and the Sealing Day Massacre was us?"
A significant pause followed, Anis looking more than a little pensive at Joe's words. "Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound absolutely ridiculous."
Joe didn't want to be a dick, but, objectively speaking, it would be pretty damned hard to beat his and Rapi's big secret. "I understand if you're reticent to talk about yourself, Anis. But, come on. We're not ever going to be anything more than acquaintances if you keep clammed up like this, even when we're supposed to be letting each other in."
"Yeah, well," Anis grumbled, shooting Joe a sharp look. "What about you? I don't hear you telling anyone about your ancient history."
"Because nobody's asked," the displaced Canuck flatly stated, not impressed by her attempt to deflect.
"-Wait, really?" She inquired. "What, you'd just, spill the beans? About like, even before you were the Legendary Commander?"
"Yes," Joe said with a popped brow and lightly pursed lips. "I'd have been evasive before, since I grew up on the surface before the Raptures, not the Ark. But you know that now, so..." He shrugged.
"What was that like?" Anis leaned forward, eyes suddenly wide and brows raised up onto her forehead. "Did you get to go out and like, wander around and explore forests and junk? Where did you live? You're like, an American since you've got no accent and know a lot about guns, right?"
The man nearly snorted at the blonde's assumption about his nationality on account of his knowledge of firearms, and his perceived lack of an accent. "First off, I'm Canadian. Second-"
"Wait, what? No you're not! I've seen old movies and stuff with Canadians in them! Canadians have that goofy accent where everything's 'a boot' and junk!"
Joe just gave Anis a flat look, putting on a molasses-thick Minnesotan accent as he said: "A moose is loose aboot the hoose?" Clearly mocking Anis' apparent impression of Canadian accents.
In reply, she snapped her fingers and pointed at him excitedly. "Yes! That one! You don't sound anything like that! If anything you sound like one of those like, old-timey American newscaster types that'd report on the weather and stuff!"
Ignoring the fact that by 'old-timey,' Anis meant the 2020's… "First off," Joe started, "the 'stereotypical Canadian accent' Americans in particular like- liked to put on was more 'Minnisotan trying to pass as Canadian while trying to buy cheap Canadian beer across the border' than actual Canadian. Even the 'authentic,' meaning exaggerated Canadian accent is- was more of an Eastern Provinces and especially the Maritimes thing."
Crossing his arms, he continued.
"I'm from Northwest Canada. Accents around there were more typically North American boonies than anything."
Anis blinked, cocking her head at him with narrowing eyes. "So like, the backwoods, country boy hick accent? You don't sound like that either."
Joe's lips went flat, his gaze snapping forward. Well, shite. He kinda walked himself into having to come clean. "I, uh, trained myself to speak in a neutral North American accent so I wouldn't come across as a country bumpkin."
Again, Anis blinked, her expression becoming contemplative before a wicked grin found purchase on her features. "Ah, I getcha. Ain't no problem there, eh, pardner?"
"Oh sweet Jesus not from you too," Joe cried into his hands, grimacing as he flashed back to Goddess all mocking him in unison over his real accent- save for Dorothy and Dorothy alone. Dorothy was Joe's only friend in the entire world in those cruel moments. "What have I done to deserve being surrounded by mean ladies?"
"Hey, I'm not mean! I'm magnimalious and beautiful and gentle and kind!" Anis protested his assessment of her merciless cruelty. "Pardner!"
The man just groaned in reply, both because of Anis doing what she typically did and mangled the English language, and also because she was twisting the knife on his pride.
"Fine, fine, if you're gon' go and start buckin' like a mad bronco," Anis rolled her eyes in an exaggerated, entirely too entertained display. "Northwestern Canada? Like, how 'Northwestern?'"
"Same general region as where we went during the mission to the Arctic," Joe answered simply. "It was always winter most of the year up there, but back then, there were at least a few months where we had proper, horrible sweltering summers that actively frightened this Mexican guy I knew…"
There was a pause wherein he let himself think on the past, and those he'd left behind and would never see again. Though, that wasn't a new notion to him in the first place, so, rather than falling into a pit of despair, he'd just let it wash over and off of him, shrugging it off and moving on.
Anis however, now looked a little wary. "Meaning, like, you… Grew up around that town?"
Joe scoffed lightly, waving off the mild concern. "No, just in the same general region. I'd never been to that town in my life. It was just similar to my hometown. Nothing more than that."
"Oh," no small amount of relief seemed to find purchase on the blonde's features. "Okay, well, you seem pretty, I suppose, breezy about that?"
"I'm used to having to leave everything behind and pitching a Hail Mary in hopes of living another day," Joe just shrugged. "Being homeless three times before you turn eighteen engraves a certain kind of mindset in you that you never quite manage to move on from. Survival instincts learned the hard way don't tend to go away, even in times of plenty."
He turned to look directly at Anis, who looked more than a little horrified. "You were homeless three times before you turned eighteen?"
To that, Joe just waved it off with a roll of his eyes. "People got it hard all over," he dismissed the topic without an ounce of gravity given to it. "I had it really easy compared to a lot of people regardless."
"...Oh," Anis averted her gaze with uncertainty. "I- That just, doesn't sound like the sort of thing that should be swept under the rug."
Again, Joe shrugged. "Shit happens," he declared. "What, am I supposed to cry and wail over every bad thing that happened in my life and refuse to move on from them? I'm here, not there. There's nowhere to go but forward, not just for myself, but the people that are depending on me." The words hit him as he spoke them. Christ, he'd really been exceptionally pathetic about what had happened with Marian, hadn't he?
All the more reason to buck up and act like the leader he was now.
Anis pursed her lips, not quite liking that explanation, given how it felt like she'd run face-first into a low-hanging wall she'd not seen coming, leaving her splayed out on the ground with a broken nose. That just made her feel weak in comparison. But- maybe, she should take that to heart. He did, after all. And it let him approach her, get her to start opening up, and start opening up to her in turn- But wait.
"It kind of feels like you're stonewalling me to avoid talking about yourself," Anis admitted.
To that, Joe blinked owlishly, then shook his head. "That- No, no, Anis, I legitimately just do not care about that shit that happened back then anymore. It's not important, it doesn't reflect upon who I am now, what I'm doing now, or why I'm doing what I'm doing now. Yeah, bad shit happened. Bad shit happens. It is what it is, and I'm over it. I don't want sympathy or pats on the back, it's just something that happened I'll bring up to contextualize things if it's relevant, but that's all it is to me now."
Anis was really caught off-guard by that. That was a notion she was struggling to even grasp right then and there. Just moving on? Just like that? From something terrible that happened, just leaving it behind? How? How could someone just do that?
Staring at the Commander, another thought occurred. Maybe this was just what she needed. Anis didn't know how to move on. She was still trapped in it. It still haunted her to this day. But Joe was someone that had learned to free himself from past traumas. Maybe this was exactly what she needed. Maybe, if she told him, she could, just-
"Well what about you?" Joe shifted the topic after Anis remained silent for an extended period of time. "What's your background?"
The blonde recoiled as if struck, grimacing heavily and averting her gaze sheepishly. "I, uh," She attempted to swallow a large lump in her throat, a shuddering sigh slipping past her lips. "I guess, if I had to start: my history is pretty closely tied with a certain specific old Ark idol, from the Second Surface Reclamation campaign."
Joe turned to face Anis, brow lightly furrowing as he focused on her.
She continued. "Well, you only just woke up not that long ago, and haven't really been engaged with like, entertainment and stuff, so, I don't suppose you've heard of Pretty, the first Nikke celebrity?" She lightly coughed into her fist. "Goddess being more of a legend at this point, considering."
"No, I haven't," Joe answered matter-of-factually.
"Well," Anis closed her eyes as she continued. "Mustang told me all about her. She was the headliner, the big name pushing against the narrative that Nikkes were to blame for the failure to reclaim the surface. She became a star, an idol, all of that, to show that Nikkes were mankind's friends, companions, guardians, and even lovers. She wanted to make people smile. She wanted to make people happy. She wanted to give people something to look up to."
Bringing her legs up to her chest, Anis curled up, wrapping her arms around her knees.
"She danced, sang, dressed up, appeared in movies and shows, did fan meetings, went out and visited fans in the hospital, went to orphanages, did her best to uplift everyone around her, no matter who they were, how much money they had. She would do everything she could, to show everyone that Nikkes existed to make life better for everyone. To give mankind hope. To be mankind's shining star in a world gone dark."
"Little girls would run up to her, to tell her how much they wanted to become Nikkes like her, despite the anti-Nikke propaganda. It was working. She, along with the other Tetra Line stars working with her, were stopping the hate. Mustang's plan was working. Everything was going well. Then, she held her biggest concert yet. Tens of thousands attended. She was doing it. She was making everyone happy, despite the loss of the surface, everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy."
Anis took a long, shuddering breath, and let out just as heavy of a shuddering breath. "But, the Central Government had already turned enough against Nikkes. Those that agreed with them were so, so hateful, that… They assassinated Pretty. Right there. Up on the stage, in front of everyone, on camera. They used weapons that were capable of killing a Nikke. She was reduced to," she gulped. "A small portion of a torso and a mutilated head."
Joe moved closer to Anis, setting a hand across her shoulders. She was getting noticeably emotional about this, but he wouldn't interrupt her if she was going to tell him about something that was clearly a big deal for her.
Anis continued without acknowledging the contact. "Her brain survived, by the slimmest of margins. Mustang had her head recovered, and brought her back. Quietly, in private, just him, and her, because he loves all of his Nikkes, he'd go out of his way to support each one as best he could. She remembered. She saw the moment the attack happened, and she couldn't react. She had to just watch it play out, the murder attempt on her, by Nikkephobes that wanted to see her dead, for the role she was playing in Tetra Line's plan."
"Mustang grabbed her, held her close, did his best to calm her down, to assure her, as she realized, for all she did, for just wanting to see mankind smile, for just wanting to make people happy, they'd tried to kill her. Mustang had to watch, as he could do nothing, as she completely broke down, experienced a Mind Switch, and fell into a coma. The kind many Nikkes never come out of when they slip into it."
"He didn't scrap her. He kept her there. He personally ensured that she remained well-maintained, he held out hope that one day, Pretty would wake up, and he'd have his star back. They'd go back to the way things were, they'd make people smile, they'd fix the Ark. They'd fix it all, and everyone would love Nikkes again."
"Then a year passed. Then one became five. Then five became a decade..."
Anis went silent. Trembling, practically quaking under Joe's arm. He saw exactly where this was going, and he hoped, he prayed that he was wrong, that it was a red herring, that-
"Then," Anis choked out. "I woke up."
Fuck.
Joe drew Anis into a full hug, chest swelling with intense, protective anger.
"I didn't remember anything. Not clearly," Anis continued, her voice horribly strained. "But, I remembered the emotions. The feelings. They kept hitting me, washing over me, breaking me down. Mustang eventually told me everything that happened, because I had to know, I couldn't deal with those emotions without knowing where they were coming from."
"That's what happened. That's what I got. That's what they did. Because I wanted to make them happy. Because I wanted to see them smile. Because I wanted them to see a bright shining star, and see hope in Nikkes again… I just wanted them to be happy," she choked out, hopelessly broken in a way that went far beyond her depressive episodes when bumming about the Outpost.
"I hate them," Anis declared with a sharp, hissing inhale. "All of them, every human being in the Ark. They're monsters, they're evil. We sacrifice everything for them, and they treat us like abominations, like trash. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. Let them all burn, let them all die, they deserve it. They deserve it," she asserted in a scathing, but darkly quiet voice. Never raising an octave above a whisper.
At that point, it became terribly clear that Anis' heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered. And it was so very clear to see why. She was older than she seemed. She was old enough that she should have recognized him and Rapi both.
But, for doing everything she could to spread joy and happiness around the Ark when it was probably needed the most, for pushing back against the notion that Nikkes were mankind's enemy, with kindness, they attempted to murder her. And damn near succeeded.
"I hate them," she reiterated, remaining curled up in a tight little ball.
She wasn't even wrong to.
The Central Government, Joe guessed, put the blame for the failure of the Second Surface Reclamation campaign onto Nikkes, to avoid shouldering it themselves. Othering Nikkes in the process. And far too many wretches jumped on the opportunity to gorge themselves on state-sponsored hate of a state-assigned other.
It reiterated to him that the Central Government had to burn. And anyone that committed hate crimes against Nikkes had to be tracked down, and brought to justice with prejudice.
Joe's response to Anis was very simple. "I understand," he asserted as he gently squeezed her. "I'm here for you, Anis. I'm here."
She didn't need to hear that she was wrong to hate all the people of the Ark. She didn't need to hear that it was a radical minority that had attacked her. She didn't need to hear that it was the Central Government they needed to destroy, to make things better, so she could be the Ark's star again. She just needed support, to know that she had a trustworthy companion to be there for her in a moment of extreme need.
So, Joe just continued to hold Anis, allowed her to whisper her hateful words towards the Ark as a whole, let her release the pressure valve, even if only gradually. He'd talk to her about it when she was good for it, when she was calm, after she'd gotten this built-up anger and resentment off of her chest.
Maybe, with this, the healing could begin.