QQ After Marriage: Is It a Good Idea?

I'm a 25-year-old Asian guy with a steady job (I'm a teacher, by the way). Sooner or later, like many Asian guys with steady jobs, my time as a bachelor will soon end and become a married man.

So, the question here is that is it a good idea for me to stay active here in QQ even as a married man? I mean, putting all the lewd contents aside, managing quests here in QQ (and by extension, other forums such as SB and SV) requires free time and dedication. Getting hitched and starting a family will rob me both of these things.

Also, things will get weird if my prospective wife learns that I write smut.

I believe that I may have to retire from questing entirely once I get married. Well, not now, but perhaps a year or two from now. What do you guys think? Should I continue or should I stop once I become a married man?

 

I'd suggest letting your bride to be know before you two tie the knot.

 

Yeah, that your bride knows you as both a friend and a husband, and knows about your hobbies, would be preferable.

 

Feel free to take this with a grain of salt, but your life shouldn't change too much just from being married. You and your wife will still have your own hobbies. Your wife will be your best friend, so you probably should share each other's interests. Maybe she writes yaoi.

The real time eater will be if or when you have kids.

 

Wow. I always thought you were at least 30.

 

Well, I guess I don't mind if I introduce her to questing, but I don't think I want to introduce writing smut to my wife-to-be.

 

If you can't share your fetishes with your Wife...

Well. I am not going to lecture you.

 

If being a teacher didn't preclude you from being an active member of QQ, I don't see why being a husband should. Maybe I just don't get the culture or something though.

 

I don't know much about how matters of the heart are treated in Asia, being thoroughly Western myself, but it doesn't seem very wise to me to marry someone unless you both know everything about each other. That sounds like a setup for a bad romantic drama.

As regards whether you should continue, I'd suggest discussing it with your wife rather than us.

 

Reality is stranger than fiction, you know?

For instance, we still practice arranged marriage here in my country. Well, my wife-to-be is a neighbor and kinda sorta my childhood friend, and it's mostly arranged by our parents.

That's the reason why I don't want to introduce her to smut writing, especially the ones that are published for other people to see on the net. Our people are pretty conservative, you know?

 

Getting married? Terrible idea, no ques-

Oh wait I read the title wrong nevermind

 

Why not prove that your hobby helps bring home the bacon?

Have you thought about writing erotica professionally?

 

** Doctor voice ** I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.


What country are you in? This seems a bit young; you have a steady job, but would you consider yourself at least somewhat established?

I think I saw that anime. Tell me, what supernatural powers do you or your fiancee have? What are their yields and do they synergize with each other? You know what they say, relationships should be built on a foundation of shared dakka.

Anyway, since this is an arranged marriage I am not sure the generic "if you cannot be honest with her, you should be getting married" advice applies here. Do you have any clue how she would react to lewds of this caliber? Either way I hope things work out for you.

 

I imagine it depends on the kind of person you're marrying.

 

A lot of people here seems to be from western culture and it shows. As someone who is more eastern european person I can say with confidance if you are going to get a traditional marriage QQ is a bad idea at first. She might consider this a form of cheating.

So uh I think it depends on the your bride to be.

 

At best, she probably has no idea since she doesn't speak English. At worst, well... she's from a religious family and she's quite religious herself, being a religion teacher and all.

 

You'll note that people immediately stopped saying that upon that revelation. In all honesty I half-expected it, which is why I included that cultural disclaimer.

...Well, yes, the Anglophone Internet is extremely heavily Westernised, as the six large countries with a majority natively speaking English (the United Kingdom, Ireland, Canada, the United States, New Zealand, and Australia) are all about as Western as you can get.


I'm not really sure what advice I can give in this situation; I know what I'd do but it's the reckless, libertine answer and I suspect both that it needs little explanation and that PrinceArjuna isn't interested in it. All I can think of is the standard plodding-rationalist advice of "list possible courses of action and their likely results, then pick the option corresponding to the result profile you're happiest with".

 

In my thouroughly western experience, women's sex drive and general interest in sex are just as high as men's. The countless amount of cheap bodice ripper novels I've seen in train statios certainly seems to prove me right. So just like there are things your partner doesn't know about you, you might not know everything about her. I've had girls distancing themselves from me quite a bit after seeing my internet browser history and others laughed it off. Who knows, your partner might surprise you if you're entirely candid with her. Or she might have a hobby you find outlandish as well and you could come to a compromise.

That said, shifting your priorities is a part of growing older. Do you see your mariage as a roomie with benefits moving in, or do you plan todevelop a more dedicated relationship right away, maybe build a family? What you should do depends a lot on your plans, but obviously about what your partner wants as well.

Honestly, I'm a dude on the other side on the planet who doesn't know nearly enough about the situation to give you insightful advice, so I'll aim for generic: take your time and keep your options open. You are already planning a commitment, but that doesn't mean you have to give up everything else to make it work. Just take it slow, be attentive, honestly seek her opinion andwhat seems to work and what doesn't. And remember relationships are about give and take. Even if she finds it distasteful, it could be alright if you balance it out in with another thing.

Time, effort and commitment. You don't have to go all in, but take a good look at yourself, and see what you'll be willing to let go of in favour pf building a lasting and fulfilling relationship.


Final disclaimer: My longest relationship lasted 3 years and a half with the girl throwing some of my stuff out the window, so I'm by no mean an expert.

 

1/ Honesty & communication are the keys to any long-term relationship. She should learn who you are. Do this in a way that allows you to be both honest and comfortable.

2/ Conservative people can have the most inventive, interesting fantasy lives, and that absolutely does extend to writing about sex. See if you can get her involved in writing, and then in writing smut.

 

To help us, could you give us some more context on the situation?

1. Since this is an arranged marriage, do you know where her opinions on love and marriage fall on the romantic-classical spectrum?
2. Do you envision there being strong love in the marriage?
3. How bad would the fallout be if she, or the family, found out? You do not live in a country where the content on QQ might be illegal, right?

 

I'm married, been with my girl for over a decade, married for the better part of that time, have two daughters.

General marriage experience: Yes, you will lose free time, and it'll be by inches. You'll have to adjust to trying to do activities that you are both involved in, whereas anything that you could do solo was fine before. You'll make time to spend with her. If or when kids come along, you will have time taken up trying to split childcare and raising between you and your wife. She's not going to handle 100% of the diapers and discipline. You will lose time. That's just a factor of you needing to make time for your wife - to spend together, do household maintenance, etc.

That's not the only loss of time - when I got married the first cut was a loss of gaming time - yeah, I can't go crash at a friends' house and play D&D for 8 hours on Sunday, then go play Warhammer with other friends for another 5-6 hours on Monday, then maybe have a secondary campaign running on Thursdays for a few hours. Sunday gaming is cut to 4 hours, Monday gaming to 3. No Thursdays - that's just the time send more with her than gaming. You also get life interfering. We had to move a couple times - I ended up far from my Sunday gaming location and had to find a new group. I started to value computer gaming more at that point, because I could play at home. When baby came along we had to move house again - now the Monday gaming location is too out of the way make the trip, so it's gone entirely. Sunday gaming needs another new group. Baby's crawling around the house and I can't leave models out, don't have time to paint them, much less play. I could be called on to change a diaper or corral a toddler at any point - playing games that require uninterrupted concentration for long periods, especially with the need for teammates, are dumped - no League of Legends, no MMO dungeons or raids. Play on Sundays was sporadic for a while.

However - I read and write still. Reading and writing are hobbies that are easily doable from home and even from a phone on the go. They're easy, portable, and don't require I be at a specific spot with specific people to do. (Yes, technically if you're collaborating it helps, but you don't need to). It's the easiest hobby to hang onto. Do it, it's easy.

Now, the bigger question is whether or not you want to keep doing/reading QQ-worthy, NSFW stuff. This is going to depend on your wife more than anything. Is she okay with smut? Is she okay with you producing smut? Is she okay with it so long as she doesn't have to see or deal with it? I know what my wife is okay with and what she's not. You'll have to talk to her about it and feel her out. Might be a harder task for you, being arranged, but I don't know. I've got no experience on that front.

 

Women can be perverts too. They just hide those tendencies better. But what do I know outside of western culture? Do what you gotta do, Arjuna.

 

My people tend to practice 'romance after marriage' stuff. Well, it's rare nowadays, but we live in a rural area and my parents (especially my mom) are traditionalists. Since my bride-to-be is from the same kind of family, I guess she doesn't care much about romance.

I guess we consider each other as some kind of mystery box? We're neighbors, but that's it.

Hmm... well, if things go right, maybe. I can only wait and see...

Probably bad. She's from a religious family, after all...

And porn is technically illegal in my country. They never said anything about written porn, though.

 

Ask her what she finds erotic.

Then start writing her short erotic stories about them.

 

And add a lot of romantic plot too and subplot.

 

The fae in me suggests that you be exactly as honest as you need to be, and not an inch further, without lying.

You are part of an English-speaking online community where you write fiction, primarily love stories.

 

I think that the best relationships are those where you can share all of your kinkiness with each other.