Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

"Please, no, not like this!" Medea says while shaking Souichirou before raising a hand but stopping.

"He's already…"

"But why aren't you-" Cu's question is cut off when he has to dodge a magical missile going for his head.

His shock is palpable when Medea stands up, clearly unharmed, and after gently placing her dead master on the ground, she takes to the air. A dozen eye shaped sigils appear behind her like malevolent wings before glowing, an impending barrage incoming.

"So much for the alliance…" Kazuma mutters.

"Alliance?"

"I'll tell you later, we got to go!"

"I'm sure I can haaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd-"

Cu appears to be in a bubble and moving very slowly.

Kazuma looks up at Medea, flinching under her deadened gaze.

"…I know you didn't mean to cause this Kazuma, but I will not forgive that…blue thing." She says with a sad smile.

Cu slowly starts to scowl before glancing to the side in equally slow shock.

"As annoyed as I am with him, I knew he didn't mean any harm." Kazuma says and Medea's gaze refocuses onto Kazuma.

"…What are you saying?"

"I'm not letting you kill him. He pulled me out of the fire and is a decent guy…even if the last few minutes don't show that."

"…I can appreciate shows of loyalty, but do you really think you can stop-GAH!?" An arrow of extreme force nearly hitting her distracts Medea enough to break the bubble on Cu. Archer steps closer with a scowl.

'I cannot believe I am saving him in this time line…there is something fundamentally wrong with this scenario…' Archer thinks before they leave the temple.

"How did you get past the purple guy?"

"He never paid me any mind….he is oddly focused on Saber." Archer says, gesturing to the sound of steel against steel. Archer gives a whistle and the sound continues a bit more before Saber accompanies them down the path, stray shots of magic chasing after them.

A few minutes later they are further into town and take a moment for Kazuma to catch his breath. Rin and Saber arrive during that time.

"What happened up there?" Rin asks, making Kazuma frown and Cu look to the side.

"Originally, Caster was going to cut my arm off for my seals but then we started talking and almost formed an alliance between our groups, when he arrived and killed her master."

"I was aiming for her! I still don't know how she is unscathed…"

"Maybe true love from her master shielded her from your Gae Bolg~?" Archer asks with crossed arms, one eye closed, and the snarkiest smirk.

"Don't be absurd Red."

"…He actually might be right." Rin says.

"What?" Everyone present asks.

"I only somewhat recall it from my studies, but I have heard of a conceptual shield like that being capable of deflecting powerful curses, though usually at the cost of one of their lives…To be honest I thought it was ne of those cases where folk tale seeped into mage craft or so forgotten that it was little more than a story but…" Rin trails off and Cu Chulainn is silent with an open mouth for a minute.

"I was joking, but for true love to stop his spear is…Gahaha!" Archer starts to shake, a genuine smile on his face.

"…You're telling me that my cursed spear, that I went through hellish training for from an immortal devil of a teacher for, that rewrites the laws of this world, was stopped, not by luck, not by a shield dedicated to countering it, or constitution but by…love? And a love born from a week?!" Cu asks, further making Archer cackle.

"More like three days if that couple I saw was them." Kazuma says, further deflating Cu.

"You're also forgetting bird hunting techniques." Saber says.

"You want to test your luck again!?"

"Wait, the Samurai cut your Noble Phantasm?" Kazuma asks and Cu remains quiet. Archer bites back a laugh as they all head back to a sleepless night.

Except Cu who opens a small sake bottle while watching the moon.

===

Not long after their escape, Medea stares at Kojiro.

"How did Lancer get past you?"

"He…kicked me into the forest after distracting me." Kojiro says, the hairs on his neck standing up.

'She was never pleasant but this is more intense than before…' Kojiro thinks as Medea starts chuckling lowly.

"So why didn't you pick yourself back up and stopped him?"

"Saber…called me Musashi after I told her my name, and I lost my composure and I, blinded in my rage was-" The glow of a command seal on Medea's hand stops Kojiro.

"So because she taunted you, let not one, but two servants bypass you?"

"There was a second?" Kojiro asks, instantly regretting the question when he sees Medea's eye twitch and smile.

"…Any other assassin could have done better than you. But I know how to fix that thin skin of yours~." Medea says before issuing her command.

Kojiro pales.

"T-that is insane!" He says as he slowly turns his blade onto himself, bringing it closer to his face.

"You'll live~."

===

As Cu takes another swig, Taiga sits down next to him.

"You know, burdens and drink are both better shared."

"Probably, but I can't really share this…" Cu says.

"You like it that much?"

"I meant the burden. The drink is watery."

"Then you'll probably like this better." Taiga says before placing a bottle of whiskey and a glass in his hand.

"…On one hand I appreciate this…on the other I have to ask you to not tell anyone this."

"Why?" Taiga asks while pouring out shots.

"The lad suspects me of being a drunk because of my hair color for some reason…"

"You're not a drunk…no drunk moves like you did during that spar session…speaking of which…" Taiga says before standing up and downing her shot to go back inside a moment. Cu looks over while sipping. Then he smiles when Taiga comes out with two bamboo poles.

"You really want that rematch huh? Do you even know how to use a pole arm?"

"I have some experience from years ago. Lot of the basics translate into each other, or do you quake in fear of losing your narrowly won victory~?"

"Hardly~." He says and they do a test match.

Taiga loses horribly but is enjoying the match.

Kazuma looks on in flat jealousy from inside the building.

'…Figures he gets the babe to nurse his ego and play with him. Better leave before they opt for a more private match…such bull.' Kazuma thinks before going down the hall.

"I know you're there." Cu says and Kazuma freezes.

"Sharp as ever L- I mean Cu…" Archer says in a flat tone, his stare even.

Until Taiga tosses him a bamboo staff.

"You're turn!"

"What?"

"If you're staying here you need to-"

"I'm just visiting; I'll be gone in a few minutes." He says before placing the staff against the door.

"…I'm keeping an eye on you. Don't want you corrupting Shirou." Taiga says, leaving Archer quietly flabbergasted. They both wait until she leaves to speak again. Cu materializes his spear while glaring at Archer.

"…How the Hell do you have Caladbolg?"

"I do not know Lancer. Amnesia, remember?"

"You're really going to tote that lie after using Fergus' weapon? To me of all people?" Cu asks, knuckles cracking as he tightens the grip on his spear.

"…Maybe I'm actually Fergus in his youth? Or maybe I'm him from an alternate-" Archer's line is cut off when he is forced to materialize two blades to stop Lancer's swing for his head.
After a short exchange of blows, disarms, and counter blows, they step back, circling the other.

"You have a funny idea on how to treat others in an alliance."

"I'm just trying to figure out who you are. Tell me your name and you have weapons from three different countries and I'll gladly apologize."

'Can't exactly do that now…would hinder my plans of killing my younger self.' Archer thinks in silence. Cu scowls and throws his glowing spear. Archer raises his arm, making Rho Aias appear.

Then he sees the spear flying harmlessly over head.

"What in the-"

He catches a blur blue in his lower side vision.

The next moment he feels a sledge hammer of a kick propelling him through the air, ending with him crashing through the shed doors, causing pipes to clank to the ground.

"…Déjà vu…Didn't think that would happen again." He mutters before quickly getting up, lingering for a moment in this shed and recalling that night.

'Not like she'll come to save me this time.' He thinks before stepping out. To his surprise he sees the other Masters, Saber…and Taiga.

"What the Hell are you doing?" Kazuma asks.

"This bastard used uh…" Cu starts but stops when he sees Taiga.

"I've heard worse, continue…though I'm surprised you're an angry drunk."

"…He's been drinking?" Kazuma asks and Taiga blanches.

"Next it'll be gambling…" Kazuma mutters.

"I needed a drink after this week."

"Three days." Saber says, getting an eye twitch from Cu before he makes his spear vanish in exasperation.

"How did you do that?!" Taiga asks and now everyone pales. Shirou sighs.

"…I…Guess we can't hide it any longer….You see Taiga-"

"He's a magician!" Kazuma says quickly, making everyone look at him with flat or shocked expressions.

Except Taiga, who gasps and smiles with child like joy.

"Can you do a trick now!?" She asks.

Cu after a moment pulls out a small rock with runic writing and it flies through the air. Taiga follows it with a smile, quickly going out of earshot.

"How did you know I could use runes Kazuma?"

"I didn't. I thought you would say 'A magician never reveals his tricks' and end this conversation. I didn't think you actually know magic…that could have been helpful."

"My ability to use runes is massively limited in this form and-"

"Oh my God!" Taiga shouts from inside the building, prompting everyone to rush inside.

They see Taiga holding an open wooden box the rune found. Taiga looks inside with wide eyes, frozen in place until she notices them.

"Sorry…Apparently Kiritsugu was careless with where he left this."

"What did he leave? I've never seen that box before." Shirou asks.

"Wait…D-did you say Kiritsugu?" Saber asks as Taiga shows the contents of the box. Inside is a large revolver looking side arm but with only one chamber for a bullet.

Saber looks at it with abject horror before looking at Shirou.

"Shirou…"

"Y-yes Saber?"

"Is Kiritsugu…your father?"

"Yes, why does that-"

"Oh God it's happening again…" Saber says before listlessly going back to her room.

"…What's happening again?" Kazuma asks.

No one can answer him.

Taiga takes the gun back to her place and everyone goes to a restless sleep.

===

The next morning after breakfast, Saber locks herself in the dojo. The adequate breakfast did not help her glazed over look from last night. At the moment Shirou, Kazuma, and Rin are standing by the front gate discussing a plan as Cu and Sakura do a harvest jig to the potato patch.

"No." Kazuma says.

"If you nearly convinced Caster to join us, I'm sure you can convince Shinji! I'm sure you two have a lot in common!" Rin says.

"I don't appreciate the implications in that sentence and I haven't even met this Shinji."

"It'll just be a few minute talk at the school during lunch. Shirou and I took care of the sigils, It'll be fine!" Rin says with a smile.

"Can't we do this at a café or something elsewhere?"

"Are you against going to school? I can lend you one of my spare uniforms so you don't stick out." Shirou asks.

"…I'd rather not, and I doubt there is anything you can say that will-"

"Sakura will be there." Rin says and Kazuma goes back to the building to change.

Shirou looks at Rin.

"I'll shoot him if he tries anything with her." Rin says.

"…Not exactly the most reassuring thing to hear…It's almost as bad as his interest in Sakura…or you offering her up to him."

"I'm not offering her up to him, I'm using her as bait…That…sounded much worse than it did in my head…"

"…With allies like this…" Shirou mutters getting a flat look from Rin.

===

"Is something the matter?" Shinji Matou asks with a hand brushing back his hair. Rider stands nearby, slightly slouched, her eyes covered with a mask in an outfit that seems more fitting for private rooms and certain establishments than fighting to the death.

The fact such a smarmy guy got her as a servant annoys Kazuma as much as the smarmy guy.

"I've only known you for five minutes and I'm utterly annoyed by you." Kazuma says, making Shinji look at him in shock.

'Huh, he does have sense.' Rin thinks.

"How dare you! I thought this was supposed to be negotiation! But all I see is a rambling mutt who cannot even use magic!"

"I can use magic from another world. I heard you need a book to even be a master."

"T-that is not the point here! Besides, what can that magic from a supposed another world even do?" Shinji asks, before going on a monologue of thinly veiled insults towards Kazuma. Shirou whispers to Kazuma.

"I doubt you forgot, but you realize we are trying to not make an enemy here right?"

"I'm sure I can get him on our side, but do you really want this scumbag on our side?"

"I did say you two have a lot in common~." Rin whispers from Kazuma's other side.

"…Then I have leeway to make that happen?"

"…What exactly are you planning?"

"I'm just going to tell him the truth~." Kazuma says before clearing his throat.

"This magic can do a great many things, and due to it's origins can bypass magical resistance of every being in this world."

"That would be quite the claim, but how do I know you're not just making this up?"

"One of those spells is called 'steal' and-"

"Oh no…" Rin mutters.

"With enough practice and a bit of luck, you can take anything from someone, including their underwear!"

"…Kinda bought this one on yourself Rin." Shirou says, further annoying Rin.

"Absurd!"

"I've already taken three women's panties…I'll give you a chance to guess one of those three~." Kazuma asks and Shinji sputters a moment when he sees Rin scowl and blush.

"Oh my God…" Shinji says, making Rider look at him.

"Master please tell me you're not-"

"I'll gladly join you and swear my loyalty!"

Shirou and Rider cup their heads.

Rin is a blushing, open mouthed and scowling with clenched fists.

Kazuma smiles at her distraught.

"Do you really think will end well for you?" Rin asks.

"Big talk from someone offering an innocent person as bait earlier and promising to shoot me if I tried anything...I have wonderful hearing." Kazuma says, shocking Rin.

"Please teach me this spell now!"

Kazuma pales.

"I uh…can't…" He says and Shinji's smile falls to crestfallen disdain.

"You promise me the world and pull it back just like that…You are truly contemptible."

"It's not like I have any control over it and-"

"Rider, activate your Noble Phantasm and liquefy them! Except Rin~." Shinji says, getting a groan from Rin as Rider does a quick chant, the sky quickly becoming blood red, followed by the collapse of a hundred odd students and various coughs are heard. Shirou and Rin slouch a moment before righting themselves. Kazuma is oddly unaffected as he looks at Rin.

"Took care of the sigils you said, it'll be fine you said, Sakura will be here you said…None of that was true! This is why I don't go to school anymore!"

"Not the time, we need to stop-" The sound of a window smashing open stops Rin. Looking over they see Shinji and Rider outside and heading towards the roof.

"Considering we are going to die, I think this is the time!" Kazuma says.

"We won't die! We can summon our servants with a command seal and-" Rin says.

"Why do you even care if I am interested in Sakura? Are you actually jealous~?"

"Of all the- No you dunce! I just don't want you going after my sister!" Rin shouts before blanching and cupping her head.

"She's your sister?!" Kazuma and Shirou ask at the same time.

"This is not the- What in the…?" Rin freezes at the sight down the hall. Turning around Shirou and Kazuma see a skeleton with a blade…then a few dozen more.

Rin summons archer.

Shirou Kazuma promptly summon their servants too, who begin attacking the skeletons…Except for Lancer.

"I don't know, you sure you don't want to form an alliance with them?" Cu asks with a grin.

Kazuma raises his hand, silently threatening another command seal, and making Cu go and clear a hallway.

Kazuma looks at Rin flatly as they ascend towards the roof.

"…What drivel are you thinking?"

"And I thought Shinji was contemptible, but offering up your sister?"

"I would have killed you if you made a move on her you pervert."

"I'm not a pervert! I'm a healthy young man with a healthy interest in women!"

"…Are you seriously saying that to me now? Besides, the ploy got your shut in ass out here didn't it?" Rin asks with a grin.

"I am not a shut in! I died outside multiple times!" Kazuma says as they open the door to the roof and collectively blanch at the sight before them.

Shinji flat on his ass, looking in horror and panic as Rider is stabbed by Medea's jagged blade, the book in his hand now nothing but ashes on the ground.

"What just happened?"

"I used my Noble Phantasm, Rule Breaker, to make your servant my own and- Huh?" Medea staggers back a step when Rider hugs her.

"What are you doing?"

"Showing my appreciation to a benevolent master…" Rider says with a smile.

"…But I haven't done anything but stab you."

"It's better than what he has done…before we go, can I kill him?" Rider asks, making Medea blink under her hood.

"Uh…Sure? May I ask why?"

"Yeah, Rider, why!?" Shinji asks with undue guts before seeing Rider turn to him while cracking her knuckles and taking off her blindfold, her eyes smile of anticipation sending shivers through Shinji.

"You convinced my original Master, Sakura, to give her seals to you, sexually assault her nearly every day on top of verbal abuse, is a contemptible young man who has leered at me every possible chance, and if I were to be wholly honest…your face is begging to kicked in and thrown off this roof."

"We should watch and let things play-" Rin starts to say before Kazuma slams the door open.

"He's done what to Sakura?!" Kazuma yells out while walking out onto the roof.

"It would be swifter to list what he hasn't done." Rider says, about to continue until she sees Kazuma start kicking Shinji. After a moment of shock she joins in, kicking her former master on the other side, leaving Medea, Rin, and Shirou to watch in shock; Rin walks out and joins them in kicking Shinji as well, surprising Kazuma and Rider.

"He's leered at me too…Also can you turn this field off?" Rin says while still kicking him.

"I already lessened so it won't harm anyone but will leave them unconscious…giving us extra time~." Rider says with a smile before resuming to kick the whimpering Shinji.

'…I'm surprised I'm not the villain here.' Medea thinks.

'Can't save him…' Shirou thinks, before seeing them all speak to each other in a whisper. Then Kazuma and Rider heft Shinji up and throw him off the roof like a javelin, and Rin tags him with a gander shot.

They all look to the sky with smiles on their face as Shinji disappears from view.

"…Are you sure you don't want to join forces?" Medea asks.

"I'm not giving up Cu."

"…The offer still stands when he dies from other means. I doubt the twin tailed girl will be as steadfast an ally as me~." Medea says before taking to the air with Rider.

"How dare- Ugh!" Rin says while clutching her head. Then she hurries down the stairs.

"Kazuma, call off Cu! He's attacking Archer again!"

===

Saber watches the two servants attack each other when the three masters enter the area.

"Cu, what the Hell?"

"He has Caladbolg; that is Fergus' weapon! This guy is beyond suspicious!"

"He's just a weeb for European stuff."

"I am not!"

"Give me one reason not to skewer you here and now!"

"This is not the time! Did you forget Heracles exists?!" Rin shouts.

"Plus there is the whole matter now with Rider being one Caster's servants." Shirou says making Archer look wide eyed at him.

'What?! How the Hell did that happen?!' Archer thinks in abject shock before looking over at Kazuma.

"You got something to say?"

"I know Rider's identity." Archer says, shocking everyone.

"How do you possibly know that? Or are you going to say amnesia again?" Cu asks.

"Selective amnesia~." Archer says, eliciting a stab from Cu.

Rin looks at Kazuma.

"I'm not wasting a seal on this. From what I know, generalized commands don't really work. " Kazuma says, getting a laugh from archer and a glare from Rin.

"Why are you-" Kazuma stops when Rin points to the ceiling and blows out a chunk of the material before training her hand on his head.

"…Is this how you treat an ally? What have I done to deserve this?"

"Are you seriously asking me that right now?"

"Other than the accidental stealing of your plain underwear!"

After resisting a murderous urge, Rin gestures to Cu still trying to kill archer.

"…Maybe they'll become best friends after fighting it out?"

"Never!"

"Not in a hundred lifetimes!"

"Wait a minute…can't you just use a command seal to make Archer tell us the truth? Or are you going to continue holding that information to yourself to give you an advantage?" Kazuma asks.

"…Much as I dislike agreeing with him, he has a point Tohsaka." Shirou says.

"It's only an advantage if I know who he is…as for using a seal to do that, I can't." Rin says, holding up her hand to show only one seal.

"What did you use the first one on?" Kazuma asks, making Archer laugh again as he parries Cu's spear.

"…A general order to make Archer obey me…"

"How's that working out for you?" Kazuma asks with crossed arms and a smug grin despite the magical finger gun jamming into his head.

Shirou looks at the scene of two servants fighting, two masters glaring at each other, and Saber watching listlessly, and feeling himself become vacant eyed.

'…With allies like these…'

===

Eventually the makeshift group returns home, Cu eventually realizing he cannot get through Archer's defenses, and Archer being unable to best Cu.

Taiga naturally challenges Rin and Archer to a duel before they can stay there.

They both won, and Taiga is nearly in tears at the more crowded dinner table.

"…Don't you think it's cheating to use magic in your limbs to win a mock sword fight?" Shirou asks Rin in a whisper.

"Between Caster matching our numbers, Heracles being a problem, and whatever Kirei has in the church, I didn't think us staying separated would be a good idea…"

"Indeed…it as I predicted." Kazuma says while fanning himself with a white fan.

"…Predicted what? And why are we having Chinese style meat buns tonight?" Sakura asks.

"Because we have entered the 'Three Kingdoms' Period of the war." Kazuma says while looking squarely at an annoyed Archer, a vein on his head threatening to rupture.

Shirou and Rin look on in growing exasperation.

Sakura and Taiga are still confused.

Saber eats her fourth meat bun.

"That is hardly the proper line for this situation." Archer says with a clenched fist at his side.

"Much as I hate agreeing with this ugly bastard-"

"Why you-"

"He's right…because…~" Cu says with a grin before pulling out his own fan, making Archer groan.

"The enemy is at Fuyuki Church!"

"That's just plain wrong!"

"I would rather wrong others than allow them to wrong me!" Cu and Kazuma say at the same time.

"I am the-" Archer takes a deep breath and stops himself.



===

Rider and Medea arrive at the temple, and Rider pales before readying her weapon at the sight near the gate.

"Relax Rider…he is not a threat."

"How can you say that Master?" Rider asks before the figure opens its mouth, a croaking sound escaping its scarred throat.

"Kill me…it burns…."