How Am I SUPPOSED To Survive In Naruto As An Handicapped Child!? (Naruto OC/SI)

I have a problem.

I close my eyes. Laying down in my crib like...everyday, well, not like everyday because usually I'm worming around.

This time I'm completly still. Just like I usually am for my meditation and pain tolerance training and stuff.

Why am I like that?

Well, to meditate, kind of, I'm doing the same thing as usual but this time I want to confirm a worry of mine. One that started to grow some days ago.

I noticed it pretty soon in my training, after I found the path to heal. After I did my analogy with the pain being like a cream.

After my whole crawling training, actually, even before that.

Yeah. Even before that, I noticed something weird.

Creams have an end, you rub it on you, again and again, until everything is absorbed and there's no cream anymore! Youpie, you finished everything. And in my case?

I live a normal life without feeling like I'm dying every seconds.

Which is more than I could ever hope for.

In any case, here's where the problem started.

After I noticed this whole absorbing effect, I started doing the meditation everyday, and comparing the pain with when I move, and when I don't move.

Getting used to the feeling. Getting used to my pain and learning everything I could about it to never suffer again.

At least it was in the hope of never suffering ever again

But there's a problem with that.

The problem is simple.

I move my hand around. Like usual, the pain, the thread and the bases in my hand starts to spread, until the pain slowly fades out to a much more comfortable 70% pain.

Like usual.

Problem is....

I've been counting in percentage and...a dumb and cute giggle escapes me.

It's cute, even when I wanted to show despair.

Annoying body. Yes, fucking annoying body indeed because I'm pretty sure that...nothing is getting absorbed?

Like I said, I saw the problem before. When I started my practice, and started moving my arms around and tried to crawl.

I saw the problem, but I just assumed I needed time for it to like...actualize, to get a new baseline of pain.

But I'm not.

It's as if...the pain is growing at the same moment I'm removing it.

It's like removing water from a sinking boat with a bucket, there's always more coming.

And that's not normal.

I'M SURE I'M HEALING!

At least it looks like it when I train. The more pronounced changes happens when I crawl, when I do something hard, as I explained before, the harder it is, the more relief I get.

I push myself on my belly, the movement almost smooth now, and directly land on all fours as I start crawling in my crib.

One step, two steps, multiples one, I'm a fucking lizard now.

And as I crawl, going forward, and then backward before I hit the end of the crib. I close my eyes, feeling the pain in my veins, in those...threads as I call them

The pain is there. It drops down as I crawl, until it settles to a comfortable 50%, centipedes in my veins.

And then it stops. Not dropping more.

See? The relief when I crawl is pretty high, pretty damn high. Still, there's a big problem.

It's been one month since I got this realization, since I first crawled and saw the problem in all of this.

It's never ending.

Whenever I fall asleep, the pain is the same as yesterday.

No matter how much I can relieve it in one day. It never sticks, it never ever sticks till the end of the day.

The pain is fucking constant, and whenever I wake up, it's or worse, or the same as yesterday.

WHY!?

It's been one month already! Can't I see a sign of progress already!?

I start crying again, while crawling around. And my mother comes into the bedroom to see what's wrong, her babying voice pissing me off

She takes me out of the crib and I start crying even harder.

FUCKING HELL WHY CAN'T I SEE PROGRESS JUST A LITTLE PRGRESS, I'M NOT ASKING FOR THE FUCKING WOLRD HERE!

My mom starts moving me around. Soothing me to sleep, she takes her breast out, thinking I'm hungry but I fucking cry harder.

She takes it back


I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR MILK WOMAN! GIVE ME A DOCTOR FOR ONCE!

Fuck, I feel like I'm going crazy, it's this baby mind combined with the pain, I'm sure of it, some kind of mix of both is missing with my brain.

She keeps moving me around while walking around the house, singing something I completly ignore.

She tries her best, she really does. But it doesn't help the FUCKING pai-!

The door opens.

I almost stop crying from the sudden opening too, and my father comes in with another woman just behind her, holding a baby, just like my mother is doing.

They both enter as if everything is normal.

They greet each other. My mother kisses my father, and she hugs the woman just after.

The baby in her arm looks older than me.

They start saying some things, trying to be more or less relaxed, as if having a crying baby in the house was compeltly normal.

I manage to turn around with the new mobility I got, and look at the baby in the woman arms.

I think she's a baby? Not sure, she looks like a baby, any baby really, but the baby clothes she wears look feminine to me. So it's probably a girl.

She's resting on her mother hips, tilted on it and hugging her torso while her mother carries her.

She looks at me crying.

Her face scrunches up.

And she starts crying too.

Fucking hell.

The parents looks at each other, the three of them. Desperation climbing in their features, I can feel my mother sigh, just as the woman I don't know starts soothing her baby too just like my mom is doing to me.

You know what?

No, fuck off.

I force myself to stop.

Straight up. Just like that, mid crying I stop.

My mother stops. Look at me, My father stepping forward to see if there's something wrong with me too.

But there's nothing.

I just decided to stop crying.

The other woman looks at me too, but is probably too focused on her child to do anything else.

I turn my head to look at the crying child.

Hah. I'm better.

As if she heard me she starts crying even more, my mother soothes me even more, confused more than anything. But I don't react, holding all the pain at bay even if I want to cry.

You know what?

I have a problem. This I realized, but right now, after stopping myself from crying in the arms of my mother. Seeing how ANNOYING a crying child is again.

I decide on something.

Even if I can't remove the pain forever like I hoped

I won't let that kill me.

I'll get my pain tolerance SO HIGH that I can stay like that for hours even if the pain ravage through my body.

The baby, not me, after being soothed a good amount slowly stops crying.

She still sniffles from time to time, and keep looking at me. But she stopped crying.

I look at her, really look at her. And secretly, I hope that this pain is something every child feels.

Something they all forget when it dissapears.

Hopefully at one year old.

"Ahga-ga" What just came out of my mouth? I was trying to tell her to fuck off.



The baby, kiko, from what I heard from her mother enthusiastically presenting her to my parents some weeks ago, stay clear of me.



Looking at me with the gaze of a died bird.



"Ha! Ma-ma, nebe!" Nebe is my name. Well, not really. But the dumb kid can't say my full name.



The baby, the dumb fucking baby gets up on her feet.



And I almost cry straight up at seeing that. Instead I turn my head around and look at the wall, unwilling to see how she can walk and I can't.



I KNOW IT'S AN UNFAIR FIGHT! She's like a year old, can talk and walk and shit, and I'm three months old.



BUT STILL!



STILL!



I can hear her steps rush away in the uncoordinated manner of all babies, I fucking hate babies, I hate myself.



I never hated babies before, I think the whole pain bullshit is ruining my brain but whatever.



I don't know where she went but apparently she left, which is all I wanted.



I need some time in peace. Some time to think and train.



I take a deep breath. As much as I can with my baby lungs before going in a coughing fit.



Already happened to me once. Won't recommend.



In any case, I take a deep breath. And try to focus on my body, I stop moving, and feel the pain in my body.



Those last few days. After I first met kiko -weird name- for the first time. I was serious about my oath not to be worse than a baby.



So I started going full meditation mode as if I were a monk





Well. I'm kind of a monk right?



I don't have hair, barely any at least. I live in a weird secluded village, and train all day or meditate all day.



Isn't that what monks do?



Right? So I'm a monk, call me baby monk, the bestest of all monk that learned how to crawl in three months!



Is that early? I don't know if it is.



FOCUS!



MEDITATION!



Right. Right meditation.



Feel it. My body, still. Laying on the ground of the house, layered with a big blanket specifically for my needs.



Feel it. I'm alone. Well, not really, kiko is in the living room, running to her mom and my own parents as they talk about...uh, whatever they talk about?



"Thre&# th&## &$"



"No, it&$"



I'm sure I'm figuring out more and more words.



FOCUS!



Right right, be careful. Baby brain. Remember the fly, is there a fl-! Focus!



Right right, remember, focus, otherwise you'll make no progress.



It's hard to focus on pain of all things. I know it is, but still, you need to focus Jeremy, focus, focus or you'll make no progress at all.



Focus. Feel the pain passing through your whole body, don't shake, don't cry, don't scream, don't distract yourself.



Just feel the pain.



It's like holding your breath.



You're fine, I won't die, I won't. Calm, did that for months and never has there been a bad thing happening apart from the pain



It's just pain.



Control it.



You can do it.



I can do it.



Fo-! Kiko lands on her knees beside me, probbing my belly.



I don't open my eyes.



I can hear her hum something, as if she needed to hum to think



"Sleepy?"



I don't answer. Not even with my ga ga, said ga-ga's that are perfect. I'm the best baby ever, so now focus and control the pain



"Sleepy"



Yes yes, I'm sleeping, now leave me alone you distasteful thing.



I don't see it. Too focused on controlling the pain.



But I can hear the sound of a pen coming up, and she starts doing her weird scribbles on the paper again.



I did tried to draw something earlier but I just can't figure out how to hold a pen yet, even with my whole fist like she's doing it.



Which just makes me want to cry. Oh shit I'm gonna cry, I can't hold a pen, I'm gonna cry, mo-!



FOCUS!



Baby brain. Focus, focus. Breath.



Feel the pain. Feel the shame, feel the weakness and breath, breeeeeeeeath.



Breeeeeeeath.



"Bye-bye"



She can say bye bye? Who taught her to say bye bye, who is she saying bye-bye too?



No idea.



But what I have an idea on is that I'm progressing. Fast. Maybe moving around wasn't the fix?



Or maybe it was, it's still helpful, and to be honest, I can't meditate all day, it's just too painful.



But still. Maybe I need to meditate more? I'm seeing the progress.



The pain isn't dropping, of course, because I already fucking gave up on removing the pain.



I feel my chest tightening, knowing that it's a lie.



No, what's progressing is my ability to support the pain for longer.



My goal is simple here.



Be able to live, more or less normally, be able to cry less, and have a bit more control over my tantrums and the pain.



Sometimes, to train and move around. I need to stay still while I figure out how to move my limbs and do the thing I want to do.



And I can't keep being interrupted every two and a half second by the pain rising, I need to be able to support this pain, and then be able to live normally even if it ravages my body.



Then and only then...



...then maybe I'll grow up enough and my body will correct by itself? Yes...yes, I know it's bad but I'm still hoping it's something normal for childrens around here.



Maybe the only problem with me is that I'm conscious?



Maybe that's the problem.



Maybe the pain is some kind of defense mechanism all children's have to make them constantly move? They need to move a lot to train and devlop the strength and functionality to be independent and survive after all.



It makes sense right?



When I'm one year old it won't hurt anymore right?



When I'm four years old maybe?



It won't hurt right?



I can feel it, my finger. Right now, I'm spread on the ground, and on the blanket like a starfish.



But right now I can feel it. My hand who was still on the ground, is being grabbed, I assume it's Kiko and decide to ignore her.



It moves in the air for a while before it reaches a soft ball, her face probably.



And then...a mouth. Is she biting my finger right now?



I sigh but it comes out as a weird baby sound, whatever I do, it's adorable, always, need to get used to that.



I open my eyes and look at the ceiling. Turning my head to the left I see Kiko, who's eating and sucking on my finger.



One of her teeth, still growing, pressing down on it.



Huh.



"Ba! Ba!" With my mighty war cry, I pull my hand back, she lets it go. And start eating her pen instead, fuck...there's drool everywhere on my finger, it's fucking disgusting.



That's why I hate kids.



Lifting my hand I try to wipe everything on the blanket, but it's a challenge with my current coordination.



I manage though, when it's done. I find myself looking at a big red spot on my finger, an indent digging inside the soft finger.



The trace of a teeth having dug down on flesh.



...huh



I look at Kiko.



Then I look at my finger.



Then at Kiko.



Then my finger.



....it didn't hurt at all.