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  1. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    19th Striker being a restoration of a lost command could be made clearer Lexington & lackland sites are repeats. MML development is repeated Jasmine's authority criticism and Kara's warehouse criticism are also repeats The assessments of the status of the six refit groups are repeated. Liam's...
  2. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Please don't take this as saying I dislike your story, but this chapter has the same problem as previous ones: it's not one chapter, its two drafts of the same chapter in one coat. I don't know what will work for you but I suggest waiting on posting a chapter before posting. Give it a week or...
  3. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Also, the scene of Ian's first council meeting is disjointed, I think the ending part may have been moved into the middle of the scene.
  4. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    New Avalon Military Academy is on New Avalon. References to going from NAMA to New Avalon are therefore incorrect. You may mean Avalon City, the capital, or Castle Davion (the royal residence).
  5. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    To be clear, I am enjoying the story. Beta Readers do help a lot.
  6. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    Two criticisms: 1. Wolf Dragoons do not exist at this time. 2. Repeatedly having the same events come up, whether in the same chapter or from a previous one, is poor planning and disrupts reader attention. You had the Bell attacked this chapter exactly as it was last time. The ComStar...
  7. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    There are some incidents such as Tomas Vale's return that are repeated - not word-for-word, but as events. It may be intentional, but if so I do not recommend it as it feels like padding (even if that's not the goal). If it's accidental, I can only recommend reviewing before posting.
  8. drakensis

    Federated Suns Reforged

    I find this a compelling read. There is one issue I found: you mention sending Northwind standards back there, but I found no prior mention of them before a report they arrive. This may have been omitted by accident.
  9. drakensis

    Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    This was hard to read, I suggest going back and splitting paragraphs up by who is speaking/acting to clarify the situation. For example: Pasha took a few minutes to join them. A few more for the man to come out of the effects. Gene shifted his weight, "Pasha says I should let you call...
  10. drakensis

    Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    Please review your line spacing, it's making it hard to say who is talking.
  11. drakensis

    Forging Ahead (GURPS Interstellar Wars/Celestial Forge)

    Yeah, a Jump-5 with theoretical possibilities of Jump-9 would probably be a slightly more plausible first result to show off to investors.
  12. drakensis

    Forging Ahead (GURPS Interstellar Wars/Celestial Forge)

    One possibility for where to go with this, is that the protagonist is an obvious choice for an early (not the first) expedition across the void away from the Vilani. Not only does it get her out of their reach, it has a very qualified scientist to deal with any un-expected problems with the...
  13. drakensis

    Not my file unfortunately.

    Not my file unfortunately.
    • drakensis
    • Profile post comment
  14. drakensis

    Please be aware that I don't check here often, and I usually get so many alerts that I don't...

    Please be aware that I don't check here often, and I usually get so many alerts that I don't look for messages here. So far I haven't found a way to get prompted when there's posts here.
  15. drakensis

    With A Bared Sword
    Extras: PDF version

    Sorry for the wait, here is a cleaned up copy in pdf format.
  16. drakensis

    The Once and Future Champion (Baldur's Gate 3/Dragon Age) (Complete)

    Karlach: "I'm not doing this for him! This is 100% for me!"
  17. drakensis

    With A Bared Sword
    Threadmarks: Epilogue

    Epilogue - Acceptance New Foundation, New Earth Skye March, Lyran Commonwealth 31 December 3058 The balcony overlooking the conference hall wasn't really private - anyone looking up could see them - but anti-surveillance equipment would ensure that nothing from the latest spytech to...
  18. drakensis

    With A Bared Sword
    Threadmarks: Chapters 56-58

    Chapter 56 Castle Davion, New Avalon Crucis March, Federated Commonwealth 4 April 3058 Kate's office had changed. She couldn't put her finger on it at first. No one had used it while she was away on Northwind and Terra Firma. Marie hadn't added or removed anything while she was using it as...
  19. drakensis

    With A Bared Sword
    Threadmarks: Chapters 53-55

    Chapter 53 The Triad, Tharkad Donegal March, Federated Commonwealth 1 March 3058 The first sight of Jackson Davion was an unpleasant surprise for Victor. Judging by the "What the… are you wearing?" from Morgan Hasek-Davion, his cousin felt likewise. "I would think that you would recognise...
  20. drakensis

    With A Bared Sword
    Threadmarks: Chapters 50-52

    Chapter 50 Castle Davion, New Avalon Crucis March, Federated Commonwealth 14 February 3058 The Great Hall was growing more and more packed as the days went on and stray members who hadn't remained on New Avalon returned. A few had actually left - recalled by planetary governments unhappy with...
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