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  1. One Rabid Fox changes the Succession Wars [A Battletech Isekai]

    This is not a sentence. It SHOULD be about four sentences. But it's just run-on train-of-thought rambling. I want to read this story. I'm interested in what you've started. But it's written/edited so badly that I'm not going to. The above is just one example of bad writing out of several, and...

  2. A Game of Thrones: A Stark Shard.

    I just read the first chapter of this and I'm not sure I want to continue. The premise is cool, but the writing style is very offputting. It jumps from one POV to the next, sometimes in first person and sometimes third, FOR THE SAME CHARACTERS even, so it feels really choppy. The A/N said the...

  3. The Holy Chronicles of Baator

    Oof. That strikes way, WAY too close to Warlock of the Magus World, where the MC is basically a parasitic meat puppet to an AI chip that does all the real work. I'll try reading a bit further, but if that's the direction this story goes as well it's an immediate drop-and-ignore. What happened...

  4. Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    Five minutes is 300 seconds. Ten minutes is 600.

  5. Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    Except even artillery can't seem to touch MC... so far anyway. Yeah, it does seem that people love starting Battletech stories but not going very far with them. It seems ripe for crossovers, too, with any number of giant-robot animes.

  6. Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    So, two things jumped out at me... firstly is that you never once spelled PhOEnix correctly, in any of the chapters I've read. You love using them, which I also love because they're great mechs, but that spelling bugged me each time and after about 15-20 times I thought I'd mention it...

  7. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    Why not just use a tag, then? And then keep the insults in character for the people you're writing. The point isn't that the humor is offensive, but that it doesn't fit the story or characters you wrote. You seem to be going out of your way to ensure that it's "universally offensive" (your...

  8. Battletech: The Ghost Who Walks (Battletech Isekai)

    That's OK; my brain always mixes up "Centurion" and "Crusader" anyway, so I was just picturing Mr. Thick Legs with all those vulnerable ammo storage locations.

  9. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    When? He expected to get an A at best on his NEWT. It was only when he was asked to do the practical part when he realized that he actually COULD see that guy's future, and warned him about it. So the only time he acted as a seer (and still without saying he was one!), he already was one. And he...

  10. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    The record speaks for itself. They mostly go with shooting or bombing. And, again, you said "fight", which in every single context in this story so far has been duels, which is sports. This isn't a war story, so how is a reader supposed to know that suddenly you're talking about warriors...

  11. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    Except he never actually told anyone that he's a seer. They all assumed he's a seer because he knew things about them, but he never told them that. He never so much as implied it. And... in this story for some reason he actually IS a seer given all of his "feel the world" stuff and all it...

  12. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    When did Harry lie to the people in that room? Did I miss something? That chapter went over pretty much every interaction he had with any of them, even second-hand. You're right, though, that it was the Ministry who stole from him, but on behalf of the DE who knew precisely what they were...

  13. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    I really wish people (read: authors) would realize that the Fidelius Charm is intended to hide A SECRET, not a place. If it does hide a place, like in canon three times, it's because that place is intimately related to the secret in question, not because that's the only use of the spell. I've...

  14. Magic Knows No Boundaries But Those We Believe In (Harry Potter)

    Interesting, if redundant, phrasing. Uhh... why? He's not a citizen of this world at all, and why would he still be hamstrung by a one-sided morality to leave DE alone knowing what they do? kowtow is definitely the wrong word there; not sure quite what you wanted, but that's not it. IN...

  15. A Darker Path [Worm Fanfic]

    Even if the roommate wasn't the one who posted it, she was the one who broadcast it so that it could be posted, or let someone else in to do so. So, asshole either way. Roommates don't publicize one another's business, especially sexual business. No, but "physically possible" and "reasonably...

  16. A Darker Path [Worm Fanfic]

    And there shouldn't be. That's kinda the direction I thought you were going with it. I just don't believe it. It doesn't sound like the kind of thing that would happen. First, her roommate would have to either BE that complete asshole (and why would someone as well-off as Laserdream even HAVE...

  17. A Darker Path [Worm Fanfic]

    By whom? Why? Roommate walks in, sees lesbian threesome aftermath between adults... calls cops? What kind of college is this?! Yeah, it's because nothing interesting happened that's worth police attention. Underage drinking on college campus is a) not unusual, b) not something they're going...

  18. A Darker Path [Worm Fanfic]

    But would she have been so if those restrictions were not in place early on? I've seen kids with no parental discipline turn into monsters.

  19. A Darker Path [Worm Fanfic]

    She was nice partially BECAUSE of those chains. The problem is that there was no trigger to remove them, and the creator died before he could do so.

  20. A Darker Path [Worm Fanfic]

    I always got the impression he was a tall, thin beanpole with a desk job and a drinking problem. He's in the Dockworker's Union, yes, but when was the last time he did any work on the docks? He's a paper-pusher. Which is why he's now pushing Taylor's paper. Good. That's at least better than...
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