A Beautiful Incarnation (Harry Potter AU / SI)

[Gendie07]

Premise: They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what is truly beheld? An honest, loyal, brave man? Or someone who is a deceitful, traitorous coward?

Index:

-- Arc 01 --

The Reborn
Acceptance and Rejection
Sordid Details

note 01: this is a cross post from SpaceBattles
note 02: This is a heavily AU Harry Potter Self Insert. my goal is to deconstruct the Self Insert genre. there will be very little canon rehashing, so please don't expect it.

 

[Gendie07]

- The Reborn -

What was Lily doing? Seriously, what was she doing? I was sitting in a padded wicker basket in the middle of a hexagram of what appeared to be concentric circles and intersecting lines interlaced with runes of a mysterious origin. At various points in hexagram, Lily had placed a number of different things you might expect to see in a ritual, such as candles, crystals, and pots of things that looked like herbs, or meat, or herbs with meat.

Lily herself was putting the finishing touches on a complicated rune drawn with her own blood. I would have been more concerned, if we hadn't done this six times in the past seven months already. Even so, I was mildly anxious, because everything I had read about rituals in fiction during my past life had said that it was a Dangerous and potentially Deadly pastime that could have severe Consequences if you did not know what you were doing.

Eight months ago, Dumbledore had visited to tell Lily and James about the prophecy, the fact that Voldemort was more likely to target me over the other boy the prophecy could have referred to, as well as offering us his protection. Startlingly, they had taken him up on the offer, and had performed the Fidelius Charm on the spot with Dumbledore as Secret-Keeper. It was only a month later that Lily had started to do the rituals.

The first ritual she did had corrected my eyesight, and I suspected had done other things that I had not figured out, because I was hungrier than normal afterwards. The second ritual was incredibly painful, and had somehow given me a strange awareness of my body that I had never had before. The third ritual had hurt my brain, and from that moment on, I remembered every subsequent event in crystal clear detail. All of the rituals that had followed did not have any effect I could discern.

Lily finished the rune that she had been working on, then picked up her wand that had been laying at her side. Pointing her wand at her wrist, the cut from which flowed the blood that she had used to make the rune on the floor, disappeared as if it had never existed.

Lily paused, as if gathering her thoughts, before pointing her wand at the bloody rune on the floor. Sucking in a deep breath, she began to chant. I could only watch in mild interest and fear, hoping against hope that she didn't screw it up. After a few moments of her chanting, the candles seemed to brighten, and the crystals, pots of herbs and meat, and runes began to glow.

Next thing I knew, all of the light in the room coalesced into a single point hovering a few inches in front of my fore-head, its brightness forcing me to close my eyes and duck my head. A moment later, I felt a horrible pain, worse than the pain any of the previous rituals had inflicted. It felt as if I was coming apart at the seams, like I was being pulled apart by an invisible force that tugged from every inch of me in every direction.

Just as suddenly as the pain had come, it was gone. I was suddenly aware of a wetness on my face and a dry, ragged feeling in my throat, and realized that I had probably been crying and screaming.

"Lily!" a male voice said abruptly.

Opening my eyes blearily, I was greeted by a scene of devastation. The wax of all the candles had melted down to nothing, the crystals had exploded, the ingredient pots were smoking, and everything written in the hexagram had darkened, including the rune of blood that Lily had written. Most importantly, James was standing just inside the doorway with a stricken expression on his face.

"Lily, w-what-" James stuttered "what is all of this?"

I couldn't see Lily's expression, has she had her back me, but I imagined that she had a guilty look on her face, as James had absolutely no clue that Lily was even doing the rituals.

"I thought you were shopping for Harry's birthday." She said in a quiet tone of voice.

"I was but-" James responded before stopping, adopting a stern expression "Wait, don't change the subject. What the hell are you doing Lily?! I heard Harry screaming, Screaming Lily! Do you have any idea you've done?!"

"I- I was doing what I had to, James, so he could-" as if with dawning realization, Lily tone changed from defensive to despair with every word she spoke. She collapsed to her knees suddenly, and finished her sentence in a broken whisper "So he could survive."

James expression softened, and he went to embrace Lily on the floor. "Lily" he spoke tenderly, rubbing her back while she sobbed. "Lily".

"Oh my god, James." She said in between sobs "I'm so scared. What if- what if something happens to us? What if Vol-Voldemort comes, and Harry is left all alone, like- like he was before?"

James didn't speak for a few moments, and I could only watch in confusion. Before? What was Lily talking about? As far as I could remember, I had been with Lily or James every waking moment of this life I had lived. I had no clue what Lily was talking about.

When James did speak, it was in a strong and sure tone. "Things are different this time. We know that we can't trust anyone but Dumbledore to be our Secret-Keeper." James paused, turning his face to look directly into Lily's eyes. "Even Voldemort can't get though the Fidelius Charm"

"But how do you know that for sure?" Lily asked desperately "Our Voldemort is different than the original. He's smarter, and we know he doesn't have horcruxes. What if he know some way to bypass or disable the Fidelius? What if-" Lily's voice broke "what if I don't get it right, like- like the original Lily, a-and- and- " she gasped, as if she could not get the words out, and started sobbing all over again.

"Shh" James whispered, rubbing her back. "Shh, it's ok Lily, its ok."

Original Lily? Voldemort was smarter? Voldemort didn't have horcruxes? Lily and James know about horcruxes? I knew at that moment, that something was wrong, something was horridly wrong, and that scared me, more than any else had, more than learning that I was reborn in the Harry Potter verse, more than learning that I was Harry Potter, and thus would have to fight Voldemort, the scariest villain anyone could have to deal with, more even than figuring out that my new parents, Lily and James, would die.

It was James voice that broke me out of my thoughts. "Lily, you are the strongest woman I know." He said, his tone retaining his strength and surety "if it weren't for you, I would still be the broken man I was in the First World. You helped pull me out of that dark pit, and showed me that life is still worth living." He paused, then said in a softer tone "I know, without a doubt, that if worse comes to worse, not only will you do what the original Lily did, you will do one better. You will make our Harry safer than the original Harry." He stood, and helped Lily to stand.

Pulling her into his embrace, he spoke into her ear "And you know what?"

"What?" I could barely make out Lily's voice.

Pulling back to smile at her, he said "You won't be alone, I will be right there with you"

It was as James was reassuring Lily that I realized, if I wanted to figure out what the hell was going on, I would have to take a risk.

It was in a tentative tone of voice that I spoke. "Mother?" I said "Father?"

They both stiffened, and the way they both turned their heads to look at me was eerie. Before I could lose my nerve, I forged ahead "What are you talking about?"

The duality of their expressions was almost comical. Lily's face turned an interesting shade of white, while James face burned a deep crimson. For a moment, they both just stood there, unmoving. Then James spoke.

"What" he said, before releasing his embrace with Lily, and turning towards me.

"What. The. Fuck! " James strode toward me, every step punctuated by a word, his rage evident. Before I knew what was happening, James's wand was pointed at my face.

"Legilimens!"

It was as if a thousand shards of glass were ripping through my brain. With each spike of pain, a memory of the life I had lived rose to the front of my mind. Not just memories of my life with Lily and James as Harry Potter, but also memories of my life as Nick Greer, the disabled 25 year old who had read about Harry Potter in a book.

With each memory of my past life I remembered, the pain got worse, so I was startled when the pain suddenly ceased.

"Oh my god." James voice said brokenly. I opened my eyes to see James on his knees, a look utter despair on his face.

"He's- he's one of us, Lily" he said, his voice breaking.

"He's a Reborn"

 

[Gendie07]

- Acceptance and Rejection -

I am not sure how long James sat there on the floor in front of me with an expression of shock and despair on his face, and I was not sure what to make of his strange statement.

When I had first been born into this world, as the son of James and Lily Potter, I had been inflicted with the sense of being an imposter, fearful of the day that they would find out that I was not the innocent child that they had hoped for, but a stranger from a different world, in which they had been make-believe characters in a famous book.

Now it seemed that day had come, but it had come in such odd circumstances that I was not sure what to think or feel.

James suddenly inhaled sharply through his nose, then muttered "I need a drink." He then stood and departed the room with sudden haste.

My confusion gave way to a powerful feeling of rejection. I may had had the memories of a past life, and an adult's level of cognition, but my emotions and body was still that of a child that was barely a year old, so the feeling of rejection was overwhelming.

Before I knew what was happening, I was crying and wailing at the top of my lungs. I felt as if all of my worst fears had been confirmed, that the new family I had found myself with did not want me. The adult part of my mind wondered, around the crying and wailing, what would happen to me now? What would James and Lily do now that they knew I was not the child they had wanted?

The tears had blurred my vision, so I was surprised when I felt someone pick me up.

"Shh, shh, it's ok" I heard Lily's voice in my ear as she rocked me in a soothing motion "Mummy has you, mummy loves you"

I suddenly felt very tired, the roller coaster of emotions I had felt in the past hour too much for my infant mind and body to handle. As a result, I quieted down, and leaned back to rub my eyes so I could get a better look at Lily. She had stopped rocking me when I had stop crying, and her expression was indecipherable, her gaze looking at nothing in particular.

"Mum?" I asked quietly.

She turned her face to look at me, biting her lower lip, her expression one of indecision. That only persisted for a moment, however, as she suddenly smiled, her expression much warmer than it had been before.

"Harry" she started, her tone warm but hesitant, as if she was unsure what to say.

"Harry" she repeated, but then she stopped speaking, her expression thoughtful.

I knew it would take her a while to sort through her thoughts, so I just waited. I was too tired to do anything but wait anyway. After about minute, her expression of thoughtfulness gave way to determination, and she turn toward the door of the room, moving to exit.

Once out of the room, she walked down the hallway toward my bedroom. Entering my bedroom, I noticed that the clock showed that it was only a little after noon, which would have shocked me if I was not so tired, because Lily has started the ritual at 11:30 am. As it was, I didn't think much about it as Lily put me in my crib.

For a moment, we just stood there, I in my crib and Lily just a foot away, looking at each other. Lily's expression was inscrutable. I waited, my fatigue making any thoughts impossible. I knew that Lily had something she wanted to say, she was just having a hard time figuring out how to say it.

Which made sense, because, well, how often do you find out that your child is not an innocent baby, but a stranger that you have been host to for nearly a year without knowing?

"Harry," Lily spoke, her voice soft yet determined "I know how it must seem to you, with the way James acted, but" she paused, her inscrutable expression seemed to break, and silent tears started flowing down her face. She sniffled, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, without warning, picked me back up into her arms, and gripped me in what seemed like a bone crushing hug.

"But, I love you" she said, her voice cracking "l love you, I accept you for who you are. I don't care if you are reborn, I don't care if you lived a life before this one."

She pulled me back, looking directly into my eyes with her tearful gaze and spoke "I gave birth to you, I have raised you, and I love you, because you are my son, my son, whatever life you lived before."

This outpouring of love and acceptance was more than I could handle, and I started crying again, but, like Lily's, they were silent tears.

I worked to swallow the lump in my throat, and once I did, I asked hesitantly "You- you do?"

Lily smiled and responded "I do."

"But-but why?" I wanted to ask so much more, but I was too tired, so I could only think my questions at her. Why would you accept a stranger as your child? For all you, I could be a rapist, or a serial killer, or Hitler. Why would you accept me when you know nothing about me?

Lily laughed, however, it was not a humorous laugh, but rather, the kind of laughter that comes as a result dealing with an extremely stressful situation, then finding or hearing something so unexpected that it's funny, even if it really isn't.

After a moment, Lily calmed down, and said apologetically "I'm sorry harry, I didn't mean to laugh at you."

She paused, considering my question, then spoke "The truth is, I would never think that you are any of those things, I would have known if you were." She smiled "I would have accepted you anyway. I know what it is like to live in fear of rejection, for I am like you. I was once a child with an adult's mind and memories, like you are now, and like you, I lived with the fear that my parents and sister would discover that I was not the innocent child they wanted, but a stranger, who had lived a life that did not involve them. I felt like I was living a lie, because I was too afraid to tell them the truth, too afraid that I would be forced to give up this new and wonderful life I had, too afraid that my parents would see me as an impostor, not the child that loved them and cared for them, even to their dying days."

After putting me back in the crib, she said "I have lived with that fear for all of my life, and I know, without a doubt, that I would never wish that kind of life on anyone, especially not my own child."

I was at a loss for words, for this was something that I had never expected. My mind was a blank, and I was unable to process what Lily had just said, it was just too overwhelming.

"I know you are tired." Lily said "I have to talk to James, so you should get some sleep. We will talk more when you wake up."

From one of her pockets, Lily pulled out her wand, and with a few flicks, the window curtains were closed, and the night light was turned on.

I did as Lily instructed, laying down to sleep. As the drowsiness overcame my senses, I heard lily murmur from the door "Good night, Harry. I love you."

 

[Gendie07]

- Sordid Details -

When I had first been born as Harry Potter, I had figured out rather quickly that my mind was somehow comprised of two parts: The infant part of my mind, and the adult part of my mind.

The adult part of my mind had all of the adult memories from my past life, and was capable of an adult's level of cognition and awareness. Additionally, my adult mind's skill in deduction was what enabled it to figure out I was in the Harry Potter verse about a month into my new life.

Which caused my adult mind considerable distress, because at that point in time, the adult part of my mind had zero control of the infant body that it found itself in. The infant part of my mind was in control, and all attempts by my adult mind to exert control resulted in failure.

The infant mind did not perceive the adult mind at all, and was unaware of the adult mind's attempts to exert control. The only memories that the infant mind had to draw upon was the memories of the life it was currently living, and its cognitive ability was that of an infant's, obviously.

One thing that intrigued the adult part of my mind was the ability of the infant's mind to absorb information. The infant mind might not had had many memories to draw upon, but it remembered everything. Every little detail about the infant's environment was tucked away somewhere in the infant's mind, from the color and shape of Lily's dress in the morning to the expression on James face when he came home from work in the afternoon.

However, more shocking to my adult mind than the infant mind's ability to absorb information, was the infant mind's sheer ignorance. The infant mind was simply incapable of making logical deductions. It relied purely upon what it perceived to inform its decisions, thus the adult mind often had to watch worriedly as the infant mind did dangerous things like climb up bookshelves, play with sharp utensils, or mess with Mummy's wand, before Lily would find out and stop him. It did not help that the second ritual, performed when I was seven months old, gave me an incredible awareness of my body's weight and proportions, as well as conscious control over my musculature and nervous system, which enabled my infant mind to get my infant body into places I would otherwise not be able to get into.

My adult mind had pretty much resigned itself to observing Harry Potter's life play out from inside his head without being able to do anything, when everything changed on first day of the ninth month of this new life I was living.

When I woke up, my infant mind perceived my adult mind for the first time, and my adult mind, being completely aware of the infant mind's every thought and feeling, realized that the infant mind was starting to absorb the adult mind's memories. Naturally, the adult mind panicked, afraid that it would lose it memories and adult level of cognition.

The infant mind, perceiving the adult mind's hysteria, naturally became hysterical itself. It starting to scream, cry, and wail at the top of its lungs, which, naturally, woke up James and Lily, who were sleeping in the next room.

It took Lily about an hour to calm down the infant part of my mind, by which point, my adult mind had also calmed down. My adult mind spent the next few hour futilely trying to hide itself from the infant mind. After it realized the exercise was futile, it then tried to figure out what the hell was going on, and why everything had changed.

The infant mind, for its part, spent the day clinging to Lily's leg, whimpering, and pitching a fit whenever Lily tried to detach him.

At the end of the day, the adult part of my mind realized that with no solid facts to draw upon, any conclusion as to the cause of its new situation would only be baseless supposition. After coming to that conclusion, the adult mind decided to adopt a wait-and-see approach. The infant mind, on the other hand, decided to do its best to ignore the stranger that had appeared in its head one morning.

The new situation persisted for only about two weeks, and in that time the adult part of my mind noticed that the infant mind appeared to be acquiring the adult mind's personality traits as well as its memories. It also noticed that it felt the infant's emotions more clearly. The adult mind was still not sure what was happening, but it formed the hypothesis that perhaps the two parts of his mind were somehow assimilating each other to become one mind.

My adult mind never got the chance to verify its hypothesis, because when I turned nine months and two weeks old, Lily perform the third and most painful ritual to date, other than the ritual she performed last night.

Imagine a prism that, when you shine light through it, instead of making a rainbow, it made a fractal of obscure colors. The ritual was like that, except with the ritual as the prism, and my mind, with both parts of it, was the light.

It was pain unlike anything I had felt before. Imagine you have a headache, then imagine you have all of the raw power of the sun shining directly on your forehead making it incomprehensibly more painful than it has any right to be.

During the ritual, every single memory from both my current life and my past life was dredged up and crystalized into something that was unrecognizable, often in a nonlinear fashion. As this occurred, I lost myself, and essentially suffered ego death, a complete loss of self-identity, both as the infant Harry Potter, and as the adult Nick Greer .

When the ritual was complete, I had transformed into someone else, someone who was nether my infant self, nor my adult self.

What made the whole experience worse, was that the ritual had given me a crystal clear memory of it, so I had continually re-experienced it every waking moment from that point on. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, the ritual also made my mind curiously resistant to traumatic experiences. Which was not to say that it dulled my emotions, just that I gained the ability to endure trauma without it seriously affecting my sanity.

As it was, I spent the next few days in a stupor, trying to sort through all of mixed up memories, and put them in some form of order. Fortunately, it was a quick process, and I was back to, well, not my usual self, but rather, some semblance of normality after I was done

--

When I woke, the clock said 6:30 am. As I had gone to bed at noon the previous day, that meant I had slept for a solid 18 and a half hours. I suspected that Lily had cast a sleeping charm on me so they would not have to deal with me for a while, and had some time to sort out how they felt about the new circumstances of our lives. Hopefully, one of them would come to collect me soon, because I really wanted to talk to them, particularly now that I did not have to pretend to be a baby.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the door opened to reveal James, who was wearing nothing but a bathrobe and pajama-bottoms. The first ritual that Lily had done on me had given me heightened senses, and I could detect the tell-tale odor of what seemed to be alcohol, vomit, and a hangover-cure potion.

For a moment, James just slouched in the door-way, his face obscured by the shadow of the door.

"Uh, good morning" I prompted. I was not going to pretend that what had happened last night had not occurred, particularly given that my crystal clear memory forced me to remember all of the sordid details.

At my prompting, James stood straight, and moved further into the room to stand in front of my crib.

"Harry" he said, his tone unsure "I- I want to apologize for my actions yesterday. What I did is inexcusable, and I never should have done it."

I admit I was surprised, as James had always struck me as a proud man, so the fact that he was willing to admit that he was in error was unexpected.

"Um, thank you, James" I said "but, I suppose I could have done that better."

"Done what?" James asked, confused.

I frowned, then said "I meant, I could have picked a better time to reveal that, well, I'm not all that I appear to be."

"Yeah, you could have" James said gruffly "That was probably the worst time you could have picked."

"Well, I'm sorry" I replied, contrite "it's just, the things that you and Lily were talking about-"

James interrupted me before I could finish.

"That is something that we, that is, you, I, and Lily, will be discussing shortly. However, there is something else that you and I need to discuss privately, now."

"What is it?" I asked, a frowning.

"You may or may not know this, but, I am a master occlumens" James stated "which means that I have a perfect memory."

"I see" I replied "and your point is?"

"I remember everything I observed in your memory yesterday"

Oh. Oh. I frowned. I remembered perfectly what James had seen in my memory, of course, and it was not all good stuff. I, or rather, Nick Greer who been my adult mind before suffering ego death, had traumatic past, as well as secrets about his true nature that he had never told anyone.

"I am not Nick Greer" I said "if you remember what you observed in my memory yesterday, then you would also remember the consequences of Lily's third ritual."

James face gained a pained expression, his eyes squeezed shut as if he himself was remembering the experience. If his memory was half as good as he said it was, then he probably was.

"Consequences" he said, adopting a thoughtful tone "that's a good word for it."

He then shook his head, as if to dislodge the memory, then said "to be honest, harry, that is probably the only reason why I am even having this conversation with you."

"Why?" I asked simply

"I didn't want you" he said bluntly

"What?!"

"I didn't want you" James repeated "I didn't want a reborn to be my son, I didn't want to have to deal with having a stranger in my house, and I particularly did not want to have a son that was capable of deceit, and harming others."

"I don't recall harming others in my past life" I said, frowning.

"You wouldn't call the shit you put your aunt through abuse?" James asked, rising an eyebrow.

"If that is what you are concerned about" I replied, a bit angry "then you will be happy to know that I went to therapy to fix that problem, and I departed her house on amicable terms with her"

"She kicked you out when she couldn't deal with your shit anymore, amicable terms my ass." he said, his tone annoyed

"If that is what you think, then there is nothing I can say that will change your mind" I said, my tone resigned "what do you want?"

James squinted his eyes at me, his expression one of suspicion.

"I have conditions for you, if you're going to keep living here."

"Ok, what are they?"

"First, if I find out that you have lied to me or Lily, you don't get to live here anymore" he said, his tone forceful

"That's fine" I replied, I had no intention of lying anytime soon. "Where will you send me if I fail to keep that condition?"

"I would likely send you to live with Lily's sister" He stated "and her oh so lovely husband."

"I see" I said "what else?"

"When you are old enough, you will have to start earning your keep" he replied "I won't have an adult lazing around my house when you can do chores."

"Ok, anything else?" I asked

"No, I think that about covers it." James said, before adopting a lighter tone, smiling. "We both have to make the most of the situation we find ourselves in, and despite the fact that I would rather have a normal son, I wouldn't mind getting to know you, Harry."

Despite my own reservations, I smiled too and said "I wouldn't mind getting to know you, ether, James."

 

[Student of Zelretch]

Wow, your James is a bit of a jackass, and possibly more than snape was in cannon.

 

[Gendie07]

well, he wanted a real boy.

Notes: the chapters currently published will be deprecated come Friday or Saturday, when i will be posting revisions, as well as five or six new chapters. see you then.