Being SI is Suffering [Worm, Broke CYOA, Fake-SI]

[Peanuckle]

Just as amusing as always.

However, I'm certain that taking pics of Sundancer's rack (no matter how understandable) is going to come back to bite him in the ass.

 

[GiftofLove]

I kind of want to know what happened to Sexkuda.

 

[The Woodsman]

Chapter 17: Hydra Recruitment Drive 03

Vanderbergh Heights was a small apartment complex on the outskirts of Brockton Bay's Downtown area. Despite its lofty name, the complex wasn't all that impressive. It was a small property that consisted of two six story buildings and the parking lot surrounding it. Once upon a time the buildings may have been painted a bright teal, but years of neglect in the sometimes bitter East Coast weather all but stripped away the pretty paint job. The bare concrete walls were a sort of beige-ish gray, its surface more dirt than actual building material. What plants that grew around the place was overgrown though most were of the unhealthy variety, with weeds and unkempt trees all but sprouting out from beneath the cracked sidewalk surrounding it. Vanderbergh Heights was a squalid, filthy shithole, one that I would generally have no interest in whatsoever.

The one thing that Vanderbergh Heights had that drew my attention though was the fact that it was being used by the Azn Bad Boys as a staging area to pull off their raids into my territory. This was where the gang's lieutenants gathered to plan each hit against Hydra's interests in Downtown, as well as store their weapons and ammunition. The entire complex was empty of its usual tenants, all the residents kicked out or shipped off somewhere while the ABB used their apartments to house their numerous enforcers. It was filled to the brim with jokers in green and red, all armed and eager to do Lung's dirty work.

For weeks the ABB had been hitting my territory, causing a mess and just generally being a nuisance. Well, now it was time to hit them back. It was Hydra's turn to go on the offensive, and I planned on hitting these cocksuckers hard.

It was five in the morning when six armored personnel carriers rolled up into the parking lot, each painted a midnight black with the red Hydra Symbol stenciled on the side. The vehicles were a recent purchase of mine, and I got a hell of a deal for them. I managed to snag twenty of the beauties at a major discount, using Calvert's connections to intercept a shipment of them that were marked for destruction. The APCs were originally used by the PRT around ten years ago before the agency replaced them with newer models that had modular extensions capable of housing Tinkertech equipment such as Containment Foam sprayers and surveillance gear. Thankfully, the older models were still quite useful, as each vehicle was heavily armored and could carry a maximum of ten fully geared-up troops. They had all needed a tune up and some maintenance owing to the fact that they had been sitting in a federal warehouse for over a decade, but some TLC from my mechanics (as well as a paint job in Hydra's official standard of black and red) had them running as good as new.

Forty-eight mercenaries quickly emerged from the APCs' loading ramps and they swiftly formed a cordon around the apartment complex, while the drivers and gunners stayed behind in the vehicles. Spike strips were laid out in front of both exits to the parking lot, just in case some of the gang members managed to get their cars past the blockade. Major Steel himself leading the charge, and he looked quite eager to return some punishment to the ABB. He spoke softly into his helmet-mounted radio, ordering his men to take cover behind the numerous vehicles that were in the parking lot. Judging by how many cars and vans were currently parked, there would be a fuckton of ABB assholes inside the two buildings.

"We're ready, sir," Steel told me through the radio as soon as his men were in position.

I smiled from behind my mask as I watched events through my computer's monitor, numerous windows displaying feeds from the men's helmet cams as well as those from the cameras mounted on the guns of the APCs. "Proceed."

There were several hollow thuds sounding out as the APCs' guns fired, sending their payload through various glass windows on the first floor. The shells fired were a special present from Bakuda, a present she took great pleasure in making once I told her it would be for the ABB. I was right when I'd said that that girl could hold a grudge; she gleefully explained that the rounds contained a complex collection of gasses that would induce in the human brain instructions to the body for the sudden and violent expulsion of waste matter. She jokingly called this the Double Dragon effect, since whoever breathed in the gas would be shooting fire from both ends. Bakuda actually grinned at me as she showed me the effect of the gas on a lab rat, giggling madly as we both watched the poor animal fill up its cage with what it had eaten and drank earlier in the day.

"Excellent work, Bakuda," I told her afterwards, stretching my acting skills to the limit by not throwing up on the spot. "You have outdone yourself. I am sure the ABB will appreciate all your hard work." She merely laughed even harder at that.

I could hear some commotion through the feeds as the gang members inside Vanderbergh Heights began to stir from the smashing windows, as well as panic from the gas tht was soon filling up the space. I saw lights appear from the upper floors as a general alarm went out, waking those who were still asleep. Bakuda's gas began to pour out of the shattered windows on the ground floor and I could see the bluish smoke appearing in the second and third floor windows as the vicious gas rose up to the upper floors.

The sounds of gagging and retching were loud, even through my computer's speakers.

"Hmmm," I heard Reeves murmur in slight disgust. He was in my office, standing behind me at my computer, which was his usual spot during such important operations. Being main minion had it's perks, after all.

Suddenly, the doors on the ground floor opened up to spill out around ten to twenty gang bangers. They all staggered out from the belching smoke of the open doorways, with streamers of vomit spilling from their mouths as well as brownish stains all over their pants. Gross. The mercenaries let the goons shuffle around the parking lot to collapse and continue emptying out their stomachs. Bakuda's gas was definitely doing its job, as they were down for the count and unable to fight due to their misery.

Several more minutes passed, as more and more ABB members found their way to the first floor entrances in their quest for fresh air. Steel had some men cuff and drag away those who were still concious, and we were all content to leave them for the police to pick up. All in all around thirty gang bangers had managed to find their way out of the two buildings, though from all the cars in the lot I'd hazard a guess that there were many more than that still stuck inside unable to find their way out. Either that, or they had gas masks. Which meant my men had to go in there and search the place room by room to make sure that no one was still inside.

Unfortunately, they never got the chance as a massive explosion shattered the front entrance of the southern building. From the smoking wreck, which was still billowing out Bakuda's blue smoke, emerged the tall shirtless form of Lung, his hands and shoulders wreathed in flames. From his height, which was around seven or eight freet from what I could see in the video feeds, he was nowhere near his unstoppable ultimate form. But from the various silver scales that dotted his chest, arms, and back, I knew he had built up enough Pissed Off Dragon Power to know he could pretty much mop the floor with Steel's mercs. Frankly, the fact that the guy had stayed in the building with Bakuda's smoke, breathing all that shit in, just to power up was kinda fucked up. I knew he wasn't immune to it either, if that big brown stain on his jeans was any indication.

"COIL!" He screamed out in fury, just as a plume of fire exploded out from around him.

Well, he's pissed.

"Do not engage," I called out into my mic. I have to compliment Major Steel and his mercenaries once again. If some angry, invincible dragon man was shooting fire at me from across the parking lot, I'd be shooting his face off orders or no orders. But they refrained, keeping true to the Hydra spirit and keeping their wits about them, as well as taking cover behind the numerous parked cars to keep away from Lung's wild flames. They were definite professionals with balls (and ovaries) of steel.

As the Major's men continued to draw the ABB leader's ire, I switched frequencies to a different audio channel. "Über, Leet. You're up."

"Roger," Über's voice replied through the speakers. "Leet, it's showtime!"

On the video feeds I saw a non-descript white van pull up on-site. Its side door slid open, from the three high-powered halogen lights backlit two figures who emerged from the vehicle. One was a tall, muscular young man in a tight black spandex bodysuit. He wore a large semi-transparent green dome-like helmet, one that looked like the body of a jellyfish, the material translucent enough to show his head from within but opaque enough to hide his features. On the bottom of the dome were sharp claws or teeth, and several red spheres dotted the surface, from which small sensors and transmitters were housed. He was armed with a bulky silver Tinkertech rifle, one that was lighter than it looked since he was carrying it one-handed.

His partner wore bulky power armor that was colored ruby red and orange, and despite its large, round shoulder pieces and top-heavy frame, the armor retained a sort of feminine appearance to it. The figure posed with its left arm resting atop its hip and right arm up aiming the attached blaster upwards in the air.

Yes, that's right. Despite getting Iron Man's power, Leet still stuck to the duo's video game scheme and made herself a Samus Aran armor. Thankfully, since most of Japan in this universe was underwater via Leviathan, I'm pretty sure Nintendo and its executives are all very much cold and dead and thus unable to sue me.

From the other timelines I had running, I heard various me's boo and hiss, some groaning and shaking their heads in absolute shame. Oh come on! What? Too soon?

"In a world of darkness and corruption," Über's movie-trailer announcer voice spoke up, the gadgets on his helmet not only amplifying his voice so that everyone on-site could hear it but transmitting the words to the various camera drones flying around him recording the event. I opened up a web browser on my computer and brought up Über and Leet's Youtube channle; sure enough, they were live streaming everything. I was very impressed with the quality, too. Leet's new camera drones were much better than his old ones, as these transmitted everything in HD quality with zero lag, not to mention the gyroscopic sensors on board allowed for minimal camera shake.

"In a world where dragons and men transforming into dragons stand unopposed!" Über continued his monologue, hamming it up to the max for the camera. Lung turned his head in their direction, finding a new target for his ire. He began walking towards the duo, his feet leaving blackened concrete in its wake, but the two seemed unconcered as they continued to pose for their fans. "Only one man and one woman dare to take the fight to them! And those two are...

"ÜBER AND LEET! AGENTS OF HYDRA!!!" The two shouted out, punching their fists into the air.

On their livestream feed, the screen became filled with a graphic pronouncing the same thing, with sleek sans-Seriff font and the Hydra logo in the background. I was impressed. Lacy Stalson's PR department definitely knew their stuff.

Lung was definitely not amused, though. He let out an angry roar, obviously annoyed with the duo's antics. He lashed out a hand and a gout of brilliant flame erupted from his palm to flare out towards the two self-proclaimed Hydra agents.

Über and Leet, veteran role players and not about to break character just for something as silly as imminent death, merely watched the flames as they approached. Then, at the last possible moments, the two gave each other a nod, then leapt away in seperate directions just as the Lung's flame rushed by, charring the van behind them and reducing it into a flaming hunk of metal. Leet dashed away through the air using her armor's repulsors while Über used pure skill, dodging and rolling along the ground with supreme grace before stopping to right himself up on one knee and aiming the Tinkertech rifle at the approaching Lung.

Leet, meanwhile, flew through the air (not something I'd ever seen Samus ever doing in her games, but whatever) and once she was at a distance of twenty meters from the dragon man she shouted, "CRYO RAY!"

Lung looked up at the flying armored woman, the look on his still somewhat human face showing that he desperately wanted to roll his eyes but was refraining because he too had to stay in character and as said character Lung did NOT roll is eyes. That look turned into surprise as he was hit by a bright blue beam that had erupted from Leet's arm cannon. As soon as the beam hit, Lung hissed as ice began to form quickly around him.

In response, Lung snarled and upped the outpouring of his flames, and soon steam began to rise as the tremendous heat generated by his body began to melt the glacier that had been forming around him. Über took that moment to fire his gun as well, which shot out another blue freeze ray that hit Lung on the opposite side of his body.

Although during the weeks since she had taken the vial marked "The Tycoon" Leet had come up wiht plans for more devastating and exotic weaponry, for this fight I wanted her to focus on developing her non-lethal armaments. Lung's main strength was his endurance: the longer he fought, the more unstoppable and powerful he became. If one managed to take him out during the first round, then he was down for the count. The problem was being able to take him down in a way that left him unable to fight on during those first few minutes; his flames and healing made such a task extremely difficult. Thankfully, from my research, I was able to discover that even though non-lethal methods still activated his power, the build-up was much slower than if one used more destructive means. Therego, the goal of this exercise was containment.

After four minutes of continuous firing, Über and Leet managed to enclose Lung in a giant ball of solid ice. Everyone knew that this trap wouldn't hold the leader of the ABB though; even now from my feed I could see light from within the frozen sphere, evidence that Lung was burning his way out of the layers of frozen air.

"Do it, Leet!" Über called out. "Entomb the dragon in an iron cage!"

... sure. We'll go with that, Übes.

Leet already knew what to do as she tapped a few buttons on her arm cannon. This was all part of the plan, of course, but I guess she wanted to play it up for her online audience. Which was at six thousand right now, if the viewer count on the Youtube feed was accurate. From the sky came the sound of thrusters blaring, and soon pieces of metal plating began descending.

Just as Lung smashed through the ice wall, his body only having grown a half a foot, one of the metal shards flew directly at him. The dragon man snarled and lashed out his hands in a vicious punch, intending to crush the metallic missle with his strength, but to his surprise the plate quickly enfolded his hand and wrist, forming a black metal gauntlet around it. Lung growled and tried to fling it off, but the metal armor remained stuck to him. Soon, other plates began to descend onto his body, the drones programmed to encase his within themselves. Plate after plate clanged onto him, enshrouding his feet, back, torso, and knee. Lung screamed in fury, desperately clawing at the armor surrounding him, his flames igniting brightly and attempting to melt the metal. Unfortunately for him, all the exposed interior and exterior pieces had been treated with Leet's heat resistant coating, one that was designed to survive the friction of reentry several times over.

I laughed as I watched Leet's modified armor trapping the furiously struggling Lung. Leet had originally started building it as a backup to her own armor, but I had the bright idea to use it in this way instead. The girl had originally been hesitant to sacrifice one of her amrors for such a cause, but when I told her she and Über could take the credit in taking down Lung, she all but jumped at the chance and even came up with a few other solutions to improving the trap. Thus, the Iron Maiden was born. The modified armor contained only the basic artificial intelligence that would allow it to navigate terrain to find its target and form itself up around it, but all other functions (such as movement, sensors and armaments) had been removed. It was the perfect trap, one that coudl subdue extremely tough Brutes like Lung.

Within a few minutes, Lung had become fully encased in the black armor. Unlike Leet's armor, which was designed to look like Samus Aran's, the Iron Maiden was completely featureless, except for the various rivets and seams in the metal. It was designed to be a trap, to hold in its quarry and nothing else. So far it seemed to be working, as Lung was still inside and not moving an inch. I had began to worry for a moment when some smoke began to emerge from several seams in the armor's shoulders, but Leet assured me it was fine. Her sensors told her that Lung was trying to fry his way out with his flames, but the heat was actually helping us instead of him. The intense heat had not only fried the onboard computer systems that would have allowed us to reopen the trap, but it fused the metal in the seams and innards of the armor as well, thus forming a tighter seal around him. Oh well, I guess the dude was in for a long, long night of being blowtorching if he ever wanted to get out of there.

"And so, the Agents of Hydra stand victorious!" Über stated loudly lifting his fist up and punching it into the air. Leet descended from the sky and landed softly next to him. "Let all this be a lesson to those who stand in our way! Hydra is here, and we mean business!"

The duo walked over to stand in front of the imprisoned Lung, then began a series of poses for the cameras. "Until next time! This is Über and Leet, Agents of Hydra, signing off! If you liked this video, please Like and Subscribe and buy our merchandise at our website! We have brand new Hydra tee shirts, as well as posters of Leet in her new power armor. If you need merch for the little ones, there are pushies of Metroid Über available for purchase!"

The live feed cut off, and soon the approximately eight thousand viewers of the stream began to innundate the comments section with their thoughts. Numbers would probably go up much higher when the (edited) recorded video went up later, since it was barely dawn and not too many people were probably up to have caught the live show.

"Excellent work, ladies and gentlemen," I addressed all my forces in the field through the microphone. "Wrap up and get back to base quickly. The police and PRT are sure to get there soon. Someone get another vehicle up to the location to pick up Über and Leet, their van was wrecked. Oh, and good work on Lung there you two. Your livestream had over ten thousand views."

I saw the duo laugh and embrace each other, extremely happy at the turnout.

"Once again, excellent work, Hydra. You do me proud."

Well, that was fun. Not only did we get to test out some new toys, but Lung and ABB were pretty much finished. They had been a proverbial thorn in my side ever since I had gotten trapped in this Self Insert nightmare, but thankfully that's been taken care of. Now I guess I could take care of more important things, like recruitment, saving the world, and all that.

Also, the base's indoor olympic-sized pool had finally been built. It was next to the gymnasium and was installed for use by all staff members. It also had several strategically placed surveillance cameras, for use of myself. Oh, and would you look at that... Sundancer and Noelle had decided to take a nice early morning swim while wearing some daring swimsuits. My, my.

Looks like today is definitely going to be a good day indeed.

​

SUBJECT 03: Trainwreck

My next potential recruit was quite difficult to locate. Not that he was hard to find, being a ten-foot-tall monstrosity of metal and man, but mostly because he resided in what was once ABB territory. Although my agents had already found his location, they couldn't approach him with any offers until after the situation with Lung was handled. With said situation done, I decided to stretch my legs and meet with the potential recruit personally. Such a course of action was still dangerous of course, as not only was the Azn Bad Boys still active a gang but Oni Lee was running around somewhere.

Thankfully, having an army of heavily armed mercenaries, a fleet of armored vehicles, a cadre of super-powered employees, and an infinite amount of timelines at my back made me feel more than secure in any situation. Yes, I like to stack the odds heavily in my favor. Call me a douchebag if you want, it's how I roll.

Anyway, my the next name on my list was Trainwreck. He was an independent player in Brockton Bay, one that was pretty small time in terms of crimes committed despite his ultra-destructive capabilities. In canon I remember him being in Coil's employ, and he served as a spy in the Merchants. Frankly, I believe I can find a better use for the big guy's talents, one that wouldn't involve him being brutally massacred by the Slaughterhouse 9 when they eventually show up.

Trainwreck was currently housed in a small autobody store in the Industrial district. According to my informants, he'd been holed up in there for a week, waiting for the heat from law enforcement to die down after he had pulled off a semi-successful armored car roberry. From what Reeves could gather, Trainwreck had been scouring junk yards and automotive repair stores to secure parts to maintain his armor. At least, we thought it was armor. Many believed Trainwreck to be a Tinker, one who either created armor out of steam-powered machinery or outfitted his body with steampunk cybernetics. There was also a theory that he was a Case 53 whose body was completely made up of scrap metal, but that one was pretty far out. Whatever the case, Trainwrec was awesome and I wanted him on my team.

My limo arrived at around 1300 in the afternoon, flanked by two armored SUVs each of which contained six fully geared-up mercenaries. As an even greater precaution, I had ten timelines of this meeting running, along with fourteen others with me back at base goofing off and drooling at the fact that Tattletale had decided to use the pool that day.

Note to self: find out who the genius was who decided to install a pool at the base and give that man/woman a promotion. Brilliance should be rewarded, after all.

I ordered the mercenaries to stay back so as not to rile up our target, then exited my limo. Two black-suited figures, Crabbe and Goyle, followed me out to serve as my backup just in case things went tits-up. Of course, if shit went down I would just collapse the universe and go with the ones where things went well, but I figured I'd give my two bodyguards something to do. The two of them had been getting a bit ansty around the base; hell, I know I'd get annoyed if I'd just gotten super powers and wasn't able to use them.

And thus, my loyal bodyguards and I approached the autobody shop. Half-way there, I stopped, Crabbe and Goyle half a step behind me. I activated the loudspeaker app in my helmet, then called out. "Trainwreck. I have come here with an offer."

It was only a minute later when the front shutters for the shop rolled up. After claning open, a gigantic figure stooped down so he could emerge from the interior, then stood up to his full height as he exited. Two massive steps allowed him to come to within ten feet of me, each step causing the street to shake.

Well, he's certainly gotten bigger. Trainwreck was now fourteen feet tall, his entire body composed of mismatched scrap metal and vehicle parts. I could see equipment from not only trains, but cars and tractors and even a freaking tank. Puffs of steam hissed out from various joints on his body, and I could hear what sounded like various analogue clocks and watches ticking from within his metal shape. The only part of Trainwreck's body that wasn't metal was his head, which was located at the top of his massive body, seated on armored plates that jagged bits of metal that seemed to grow up around him. He was a white dude, somewhat heavy set, with a shaved head and acne scars.

He just stood there, staring down at me and my bodyguards. I could tell that Crabbe and Goyle were tense, ready to unleash super-powered hell if this gigantic metal monstrosity ever turned hostile. But... he didn't. Trainwreck just stood there, his soft brown eyes just staring at me.

Creepy.

Well, if he wasn't going to start things off, I guess I should.

"Hello. I am Coil, of Hydra," I told him in greeting. I waited for his response, but he continued to stay silent. Shit. Can this dude even talk? It'd make negotiations very, very awkward if this asshole was a mute. Oh well, just roll with it.

"We at Hydra are currently recruiting talent such as yourself," I told him. "You may have heard of us? We were the ones who captured Lung."

"..." said Trainwreck.

Okay. He obviously doesn't follow current events. I can relate.

"Ahem," I continued. "I wish to offer you a position within my organization. I shall pay you a salary of $1200.00 a month-"

"I'm in," Trainwreck suddenly said aloud, cutting in before I could continue with my other offers.

Huh. And I thought I'd have to hardsell it with this guy. Damn, today WAS a good day.

"... excellent. Welcome to Hydra." I looked up at him, wondering if he'd bother to say anything and wasn't reallys urprised when he didn't. "Well. Uh... we'll need to get you to our base. Do you need transportation?"

He shook his head and pointed at his feet, indicating the mismatched set of wheels that were imbedded into the thick metal. Okay then, that made things simpler.

"Good, good. Great." Wonderful, now it was me who was short on words. Whatever, I just wanted to go home. "Follow us then."

Trainwreck nodded, and I quickly got into my limo with Crabbe and Goyle following. At my nod, the driver pulled away and began driving back towards base with my escorts following. Trainwreck rumbled steadily on beside them. Thankfully, the massive underground Hydra complex had a nondescript entrance in a less than populated side of town so the gigantic brute wouldn't draw too much attention entering the base.

"That was weird," Crabbe spoke up, and Goyle nodded in agreement.

"I know, right?" I said, shaking my head in annoyance.

 

[The Woodsman]

Sadly, this is most likely the last post I'll be making for this story. My health is not the best, and chances are good I won't be around for much longer.

For anyone who's interested, I've put up the plot outline of upcoming events for this story here: ♥♥♥

I'd like to thank everyone for reading this bizarre and zany writing exercise, and also for not flipping out about all the boob jokes and bawdy humor unlike some other boards. *cough* SPACEBATTLES *cough*

It's been fun, guys! Thanks for everything!

 

[GiftofLove]

Sadly, this is most likely the last post I'll be making for this story. My health is not the best, and chances are good I won't be around for much longer.

For anyone who's interested, I've put up the plot outline of upcoming events for this story here: PASTEBIN!!!

I'd like to thank everyone for reading this bizarre and zany writing exercise, and also for not flipping out about all the boob jokes and bawdy humor unlike some other boards. *cough* SPACEBATTLES *cough*

It's been fun, guys! Thanks for everything!

Click to shrink...

It's nice to have you around. I don't know what your bad health is caused by, but I hope we have you for a while longer yet.

If nothing else, it was nice to meet you.

 

[Biigoh]

Wait... what? What's wrong, if you don't mine my asking, The Woodsman?

 

[evildice]

The boob jokes were great.

As a character, you're petty and self-indulgent, and it's refreshingly honest.

I hope you are able to stick around.

 

[Peanuckle]

Well I'm sad that you're in poor health, but it's just crushing that the story will end

I very much enjoyed it, crass humor and all. I hope you survive whatever it is that ails you.

 

[The Woodsman]

Wait... what? What's wrong, if you don't mine my asking, The Woodsman?

Click to shrink...

I don't really wish to get into any details, but let me just quickly summarize by saying Super Cancer. I'm going to undergo some surgery soon which will hopefully help, but the procedure is risky.

Anyway, thanks for all the well wishes, everyone! Loved my time here, even as short as it was. If I don't make it and there is an afterlife, then I'll meet you all there by the bar. Just look for all the screaming, angry lady angels.

 

[Biigoh]

Ouch.... knock on wood and with luck.... you'll be around longer.

 

[The Woodsman]

​

Hai!

Through the liberal usage of alternate universes and the selling of souls to various eldritch abominations, I have survived my medical procedure. The doctors believe my prognosis to be good, and I am now in recovery waiting for my second larger belly button to close up.

So, yes. This story is not dead. The universe tried to destroy it, but its evil can not be contained! I shall update once I'm feeling a bit better. Till then, fear me for I have returned!​

 

[Larekko12]

HELLS Yes!

 

[Impartial Panic]

Glad the operation Went well for you Woodsman and hope you make a full and quick recovery.

 

[evildice]

Yay!

I hope they gave you interesting medication to aid your recovery -- and stimulate your imagination.

 

[GiftofLove]

​

Hai!

Through the liberal usage of alternate universes and the selling of souls to various eldritch abominations, I have survived my medical procedure. The doctors believe my prognosis to be good, and I am now in recovery waiting for my second larger belly button to close up.

So, yes. This story is not dead. The universe tried to destroy it, but its evil can not be contained! I shall update once I'm feeling a bit better. Till then, fear me for I have returned!​

Click to shrink...

So glad you're alive!

 

[Mortanius]

Praise Tzeentch! The evil will always find a way.
I'm glad that you are still on the same plane of existence as we (us? English is confusing).

 

[The Woodsman]

Actually, that brings up an important question. Like what the fuck could he build to accidentally gender bend himself?

Click to shrink...

OMAKE: Alternate Start

Leet sighed in annoyance as he looked over his new invention for the eighth time. Everything seemed to be in place, exactly as his specifications wanted. The wires were all where they should be, the molecular density of the interior supports were well within thresholds, and the nano-carbide shielding around the micro reactor was stable thus preventing the deadly radiation from within leaking out and frying all the organic matter around it.

But still, Leet continued to review his work. He was positive that there was something wrong with it. It was so annoying to be going through this every single time he made something. Other Tinkers didn't even have to double-check their work. He, on the other hand, needed to appraise his work multiple times just to make sure it functioned the way he needed it to. It made him feel utterly inept having to do this. People on the net already called him the worst Tinker on the planet, and frankly he was starting to believe them. His inventions' failure rates were abysmal, and it seemed to be getting worse with time. When he had first gotten his powers, he could build anything he wanted. Teleporters, laser weapons, invisible suits, anything! But then every time he tried to remake his previous inventions, or even anything even similar to them, they sometimes failed. The failure rate grew and grew, with each malfunction or glitch getting more explosive and dangerous than the last. It was like fate had it in for him and was doing everything in its power to get him and Über killed.

It was all so infuriating! Lately, even stuff that he was making that were entirely new and not derived or similar to his previous work was starting to fail. A few weeks ago he attempted to build a time machine. He figured that if he and Über could travel back in time to like the 1950's or 60's, they could become the first Parahumans and conquer the world really freakin' easily! But, like always, it was a colossal failure.

The most perplexing thing about the situation though was that it should have worked! He'd never built a time machine before, and all his numerous calculations told him that his success rate with the device should have been at a whopping 98.6%! So what the hell went wrong? During the test run, instead of traveling back sixty years, the machine simply imploded into itself, ripping the fabric of space time, and leaving behind a stable (and permanent) quantum anomaly. It was about the size of a donut and glowed a weird blue-purple-green haze, and currently hung about six feet above the floor in his and Über's basement. It was completely harmless as it didn't affect matter, only data and energy, but it was still unpleasant. It was right in front of their big screen TV, so they had to move the couch so that their views weren't blocked. Such a freakin' hassle.

Later, when Leet was trying to figure out what was wrong, he found something strange. He had an old sensor he had rigged up a few years ago that could observe quantum data, and he found that for some reason there were much more quantum particles around than was thought possible. What's more is that they were layered along each other in multiple dimensions, thereby theoretically inhabiting the same space as other identical particles which was bullshit and probably shouldn't be happening. Over the course of the next few days he took numerous readings, all of which made no sense. On some days the amount of redundant particles were as high as up in the hundreds. The next day it would drop down to perhaps ten to twenty. Other days the redundant particles were absent completely. It made no sense. It was like the universe was multiplying itself numerous times over the course of a few hours, only for those multiple universes to vanish and reappear again later on down the line. This weird phenomena was probably the cause of his time machine's destruction, since space/time was pretty borked at the moment any form of quantum travel would probably be pretty dangerous.

Leet never bothered to look into the strange quantum phenomena any further. He doubted very much that his meager resources would allow him to solve the mystery. His time machine project set him back over twenty grand in funds and materials, and at the moment viewership from the Youtube channel was down. With their ad revenue at an all-time low, he and Über needed to get some cash quick or else they wouldn't have the necessary funds to preorder the Wasteland 4 Collector's Edition.

Besides, for Leet it felt kind of good to know that for once he wasn't the cause of one of his inventions blowing up.

This brought us to the present, with Leet surveying his new creation. It stood at around six and a half feet tall and looked like a large metallic lollipop. A two-foot diameter sphere rested atop a slim cylinder. Wires and control boxes poked out of the many holes in the metal, and a low decibel hum thrummed from within the sphere. All in all it looked good, yet Leet was apprehensive. He just knew that somehow, somehow, he would fuck this up.

"Hey, Mike!" Leet looked to the entrance of the basement and saw Über, sans mask, coming down the stairs with three bags of fast food in his arms. "They were out of fish tacos so I just got you some chicken."

The Tinker sighed and began to look even more glum. "I knew it. Man, I was in the mood for fish tacos, too. This can't be a good sign."

"You still stressin' about that metal balloon thing?"

"For the last time, Jeff, it's not a balloon! It rewrites your atomic structure following guidelines you input, allowing you to look however you like!" Leet explained with much aplomb.

Über blinked. "You mean it's like a character creator from an RPG?"

"Exactly!" The young inventor laughed. "It's just like a character creator. You just type up in whatever characteristics you want, like race, gender, face, hair, body type, etcetera, etcetera. Then you activate it and WALA! You're a new man. Or woman, if you want. We'll make a ton of money selling this thing to plastic surgeons!"

"That's freaking cool, bud!" Über dug into one of the fast food bags and took out a foil-wrapped burrito. "So, you gonna try it?"

"O'course!" Leet grinned. "I already inputted the character codes. I used my Barbarian from our D&D campaigns as the template."

"You mean Testicles?"

"Yep!" The Tinker snort-laughed. "I'm gonna be ripped, bro! Biceps the size of trucks, and six packs on top o' six packs!" He flexed his rather spindly arms, imagining them bulging with muscles. He then looked at his friend. "You wanna use it after me?"

"Nah," Über shook his head while chewing on his burrito. "Already perfect, dude."

"Oh, fuck you!" Leet laughed. He walked over to the table and began to dig into the bags for his meal.

Forty minutes later and with their bellies full, the supervillain duo stepped up to the metallic lollipop, eager to test out its capabilities.

"So, how do you start this thing?" Über asked.

"It's voice-activated. Here, watch," Leet turned to the sphere at the top of the machine and cleared his throat. "Character Generator: ON." There was a loud thrum as something within activated, and soon green LEDs lit up all over the device's surface. "Load Preset 00-0001 Alpha-dot-zero three." The hum inside the machine grew louder, and several ticks clicked as the device accessed the saved profile.

This was it, Leet thought. Only one more command and it's "Goodbye Leet," and "Hello Testicles!"

He stepped closer to the now blaring machine, making sure to stand exactly in front of the output scanner. "Activate!"

The scanner flared brightly with white luminescence, the internal sensors scanning his lanky frame while its quantum computer calculated the most direct and efficient way to rearrange Leet's atoms in order to configure his shape into the desired preset. All seemed to be going well as the supervillain duo eagerly awaited the end result.

Suddenly, there was a flash of sparks as one of the Character Generator's internal systems crashed catastrophically. The small explosion didn't stop the machine though, as the thrumming from within the sphere grew even louder. There was the loud shrill beeping of the emergency alarm, which was supposed to go off in case the machine was in danger of detonating catastrophically. Leet at that moment realized that he should have probably put in a failsafe linked to the alarm that would have automatically shut off the machine if it ever went off, but sadly there was nothing he could do about it now. Hindsight is 20/20, after all.

"Mike... what the hell's going on?" Über asked his friend as he began to back away from the now smoking metal lollipop.

Leet sighed, his voice filled with utter dejection. "What else, Jeff? I fucked up. Again. Damn it."

Suddenly, the sphere exploded. Just before detonation though, a blazing white beam shot out of the device. It would have hit Leet if Über's souped-up reflexes hadn't been active, allowing the muscular young man to pull his friend out of the beam's path. The white flame shot through the air behind the duo and struck the permanent quantum anomaly that had been the leftover of Leet's time travel machine. The beam harmlessly winked out, sucked into the pulsating blue-green rift in space/time.

"Jesus, that was close!" Über remarked.

Leet stood up and angrily stomped over to the couch. He ignored the sparking wreck that used to be the Character Generator, instead focusing on the tablet he picked up from the cushions.

"Mike, you alright?"

Leet shook his head. "No, dammit, I'm not alright! This is like the twelfth time one my inventions almost killed us! I'm so fucking sick of it!" He scanned through the data recorded on the tablet, his aching brain trying to figure out just exactly what went wrong.

"It's cool, man. Nobody got hurt, we're all fine. You'll just do better next time." Über reached out a heavy hand and pat his thin friend on the back. "Besides, I don't really picture you being a giant, over-muscled dumb ox anyways."

Leet couldn't help but grin. "Yeah... I guess having all that testosterone running through my body and shrinking my brain would've sucked."

"There you go," Über laughed. He then looked over at the floating quantum irregularity that was in front of their big-screen television. "I guess that weird blob thing saved the day. That blast woulda wrecked our TV if it hadn't been in the way. What the hell happened to it, anyway?"

Leet frowned. "Hmm... well, it is an open rip in the space/time continuum. It could lead to any time or place, or even any dimension."

"Whoa, that's fucked up," Über grinned. "You mean somewhere, somewhen, some poor schmuck coulda gotten hit by that ray and got turned into Testicles?"

"Yeah," the young Tinker sighed. "Except it wouldn't have been my Barbarian. According to this," he held up the tablet with the data from the experiment, "the preset got corrupted so it used a blank female character sheet."

"You mean..." Über narrowed his eyes.

"Yep, somewhere out there, somebody got a sex change!" Leet laughed. "Unless he was already a she, then I guess it wouldn't have done anything."

"Wait, you mean..." Über frowned. "You mean you coulda been turned into a hot chick if I hadn't pulled you out of the way?"

"Ha! Yeah, I guess so," Leet grinned. "Thanks for helping me out, by the way, Mike. Being a chick would seriously have sucked!"

"R-right," Über stated dryly. Strangely enough, it was he who now sounded depressed. "No problem, bud."

​

Ugh. Jesus Christ I am SOOOOO hammered right now. LOL.

The room slightly spun as I maneuvered my way past random clothing, stuffed animals, and some unfinished Gundam models to plop tiredly upon my pink computer chair. I had tried (and failed) to remove this hideous banana yellow Bride's Maid dress from my body, but alas, the damn thing seemed intent on staying wrapped around me. Ah, fuck it. I can take this stupid dress off and take a shower later. Right now it's time for internets.

I pushed the power button on my aging Macintosh and waited an insufferably long time for the operating system to boot up. Stupid OS X. I begged and pleaded for my dad to buy me a gaming PC, but he's been an ass-bunny for Steve Jobs since the 80's. He refuses to buy anything but Apple, so here I am stuck with a computer I can't play any games on.

Rot in Hell, Steve Jobs. Rot in Hell.

Anyway, I rubbed at the bridge of my nose and hiccupped a few times. Did I mention I was hammered? Eh. I had just gotten back from a friend's wedding and sadly I did not return with one of the sexy groomsmen. I really am awful with men, though. Maybe being drunk was part of the reason. Ah well. They were all married anyway, and it would have been god damned annoying to listen to another fat hag whining that I stole her man. Bitch, if you was doing your job and keeping him happy, then he wouldn't have strayed in the first place.

Still, I was feeling awfully depressed. Gabriella, the friend who had just gotten married, was the last of my circle to tie the knot; aside from me, of course. Now I was the only one in our group who was still single. What made it even worse was that Gabriella was the slut of our group. Seriously, she was a Grade A Tramp. I love her to death, but she is so slutty that more people have ridden her than Amtrak. She's so skanky that she's had more balls in her mouth than the Hungry Hungry Hippos. She's got more STD's in her than the Center for Disease Control's labs. Her legs are like the Public Library: always open to the public.

But seriously. I LUV U GABBY! *hugz* <3 <3 <3

And yeah, I was still single. It's weird though, I'm a pretty hot girl. Guys ask me out all the time. The problem is keeping them around. The longest relationship I've ever had was for like two months. And at 28, I wasn't exactly a spring chicken anymore. All my girlfriends probably think I'm gonna die an old maid or something.

Gah, I 'm so fucking drunk.

Finally, stupid OS X booted up. My nerdy friend-zoned friend Ike said that I should probably run an anti-virus thingy, but I told him that my dad said Apple devices don't get viruses. Eh, whatever. I'm pretty sure I can get Ike to build me a PC if I let him smell my hair or something.

I typed in my password then sat patiently for the thing to open onto the desktop. I quickly opened up the browser and hopped onto the Space Paddles forum to see how my fanfics were doing. I just posted the next chapter in my great Harry Potter epic, and was eager to see all the praise and love that my fans were sure to heap upon me.

... only to see that my thread had been locked and deleted and that I'd been temp banned. Again.

Fuck. Seriously, this blatant censorship was really starting to piss me off. THIS is why the art of fanfiction wasn't getting the recognition it deserved! Too many Grammar Nazi fuckheads getting offended by the littlest teensiest spelling errors.

Thankfully, the mods at the Superior Viscosity forums were much less strict and imperious. I scrolled through my thread there and read through the comments.

Spoiler

Oh God. Not this shit again. Can we seriously get the mods to ban this crazy bitch? She's the worst writer I've ever read.

Click to shrink...

... We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

"I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

Click to shrink...

Seriously. WTF. Is OP trolling? Please tell me she's trolling. Please.

Click to shrink...

Jesus Christ. Not even I can FAP to this.

Click to shrink...

GOD DAMN IT! Why were there so many internet trolls on this forum? Seriously, mods, do your fucking jobs!

I felt a small sting in my eyes as they became flooded with tears. Why did people have to be so mean? Can't they see I was just trying to express myself through the art of writing? I pour my heart and soul into my work, and they just... just...

I clicked the reply button, my fingers angrily pounding against the keys as I typed my retort.

I HOP U ALL DIE OF THE AIDS YOU COCKLESS PREPS!!!11

Click to shrink...

I wiped at my eyes as I smiled triumphantly. There. That'll show em!

I was about to close down my browser when I saw that the indicator said I had two private messages sent to my inbox. I clicked on my messages and started reading.

The first message, unfortunately, was from my mom. It was the usual bullshit, her telling me to find a man or get a job and move out of their house. More whining about me being almost thirty and that I had to be more responsible. Some crap about my dog fluffy peeing on the couch, yada yada yada.

Gawd. My mom was such a BEE AYE TEE SEE 8CH. Seriously, all she ever did was nag. How my dad ever got her to shut up long enough to squirt a baby into her I'll never fucking know.

The second message was a link to some imgur page. Hmm. The last time I clicked on an unsolicited imgur link it turned out to be a pic of a basket full of puppies. So of COURSE I clicked it. Sadly, there were no cute, fluffy animals in this one. But what I saw was actually quite interesting.

Worm CYOA v.3

Huh. Wow, this was actually kinda cool. I skimmed through all the rules and instructions, and I feel that I got the basic gyst of the thing. The game seemed fun, and the perfect exercise to increase my skills in the art of writing! I've done some Worm fics before, so this should be easy.

I quickly chose all my stats and powers and shit, typing all my choices down into a separate text file for later. I felt my brain trying to leak out of my earholes. I really should probably get to bed before I pass out in front of my computer. If mom finds me like that again, she'll nag my freaking ears off.

Anyway, lemme see...

I skimmed through the Greater Power listings and tried to decide through my alcohol-bleary brain which one would be neatest. Crossover was lame, as it was unoriginal and purile. I was a better writer than that, I can come up with my own shit! I skipped Exalted, Gamer, and Servant for the same reason. So unoriginal, LOL.

I was stuck on whether to pick Mad Talent or Words of Power. The Words of Power seemed cool, and I could stretch my writing talents to come up with awesome phrases and rhymes, maybe even turn this into a songfic where my powers required me to sing! But nah, that sounded way too much work for my currently inebriated psyche. Mad Talent was thus chosen. Since I was already talented IRL it would be supes easy for me to write my character.

I didn't know what that World-Breaking Powers section meant, so I skipped it. That shit's too much to wrap my head around, especially since my head felt like an overripe tomato about to pop. Owie...

I also skipped the Lesser Powers section since it seemed redundant. Why the heck would I want a crappier power than the one I got? Weird.

The next section I came across was Advantages. Oh wow, these seemed neat. And there's so many to choose from! Badass Normal, Charles Atlas Super Powers, Comic Book Pretty... Um, how many can we take again? Ow, ow, ow... my poor brain. God damn Gabby and her cheap-ass booze! Fuck, I'll just pick all of them then! Why the fuck not?

Next I came upon a section called Disadvantages. Seriously? I have to gimp myself now? Laaaame. How can I fix all the messed up shit in the Wormverse if the GM is gonna stifle my creativity like this? Whatevs, I'll just pick one so that asshole reviewers on Fanaticfiction.net won't call me a Mary Sue again. Fuck those guys.

Hmm... Apollyon? Nope. Case 53? Fuck that, I wanna be pretty not a monster! Cycle Begins Anew? Yeah, I don't think so. Blah, blah blah, blah blah blah, blah. Man, all these suck! But I guess that's the point, to make me feel vulnerable and stuff. So lame. Whatever, I'll just pick Reincarnation then. I guess I could write about being reincarnated as Taylor since that seems to be popular in all the Worm fics I've read. But the thought of being in the body of a chick who was even flatter than me was kinda annoying. Unlike my sluttier friends, I have a svelte and athletic body type. Sure, their curvy butts and cow udders may attract more attention from men, but I got 'em beat everywhere else!

Right?

...

Right!

Whatever, I'll write about being older Taylor so I can make her a bit more curvy and statue-esque. So Reincarnation it is!

Last section was Difficulty. It wasn't hard for me to pick the best option.

GOD MODE of course! What kind of idiot would choose Skitter Mode? Seriously, the Wormverse is fucked up. I'll need every advantage I can get.

Damn, that took forever. Whatever, my brain is on fire! I'll hash out the details tomorrow. Right now I need to be unconscious, and ASAP.

I click save on the text editor and shut down my Mac. I then stumbled over towards my bed, making sure not to step on my paper mache Pikachu or that dragon dildo Gabby bought me as a gag gift (like I said, SLUUUUT). I finally made it and collapsed onto my mattress, the motion forcing a very loud fart out of my butt. Whoops.

I really hope the damned dog didn't pee on my bed again. Right now though I was too fucked up to even care if it did. I hate dog piss.

I passed out as soon as I snuggled under the covers. Damn, I was still wearing this dumb Bride's Maid dress!

Eh. I'll worry about it... in... the... morning... zzzz...

<3 <3 <3
​

• processing worm_cyoa.txt
• execute
• error
• error
• ERROR!
• points required for chosen powers and advantages exceeds points in reserve
• user has chosen ALL advantages
• collate
• resynching
• error
• ERROR!
• whatisthisidonteven
• fuck it i give up
• run file X:\CHARACTERS\PARAHUMANS\CAULDRON\op_deusexmachina.wrm
• run reincarnation protocol 3
• consolidating disadvantage "Reincarnation" with op_deusexmachina.wrm
• collate
• resynch
• update complete
• execute

:3 :3 :3
​

I blink awake, tearing myself away from a sexy dream involving Sherlock Holmes meeting Benedict Cumberbatch in a Turkish bath house, only to find myself in an unfamiliar room.

It was a pretty large suite, with bare white walls and bright, inset lights in the ceiling. The room was sparsely furnished, with just a plain full sized bed in one corner, a desk and chair, as well as a large Narnia-style wardrobe near the bed. I was currently seated on a plain black leather couch, wondering for the life of me what the fuck I had been doing last night to wake up to this situation.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and began to think. Okay. Last thing I remember was getting back from Gabby's wedding reception, being drunk as fuck, working on that Worm CYOA thing, going to sleep...

... WAITAMINUTE!

That Worm CYOA thingy. That had to be it! I mean, what else could be happening if it wasn't some sort of self-insert fanfic coming to life! This was awesome!

I opened my eyes and looked down at my body, expecting to see Taylor Hebert's flat-ass chest, since she had been the one I chose to reincarnate myself into last night. What I found... was not what I was expecting.

"Wow." I muttered. Those were pretty big. I reached up with my hand and poked at the right one. Squishy. I poked it again. And again. Damn. So this was what it felt like to be stacked. I grabbed them both and squeezed.

Aw yeaaah. Who's flat now, fuckwits!

I stood up from the couch and began bouncing on my heels. Yep, they were definitely real alright. So bouncy. This would definitely take some getting used to.

But this begs the question: Who the fuck did I reincarnate into? This was definitely not Taylor Mosquito-Bites Hebert's body I was in. So who...?

Thankfully I found that there was a convenient mirror hanging on the wall behind the couch I was sitting in. Upon seeing my reflection I was awestruck.

"I'm so... beautiful," I said, the words coming out in a voice that was definitely not mine.

Reflected in the mirror was a woman in her thirties who had long black hair and dark brown eyes. Her tone yet curvy physique was clothed in a tailor-made black suit with white shirt and tie. She looked like a freaking model, and I'm not talking JC Penny or Sears catalog here. I'm talking about Down the Runways of Paris-type model, the ones so perfect that they give little girls body image problems.

And now I would be causing teenage girls everywhere to feel insecure about their figures! Maybe some of them would even get eating disorders after meeting me! This was so awesome!

I posed and primped in front of the mirror for a few minutes, enjoying my new reflection and thinking about all the cute outfits I could dress myself in, when I suddenly remembered why I was here.

"Right. The game." I nodded to my reflection, then gave her a wink. Hell yeah, I am so sexy. I'm not a lesbo or nothing (well, except for that one time with Gabby, that slut) but I would definitely dive for this chick's clams if she asked me to.

There was only one person in the Wormverse who looked like my new reflection. The black suit was a dead give-away. In order to test my hypothesis, I closed my eyes and asked myself a question.

"Number of steps to get to the nearest bathroom."

12.

"Number of steps to defeat Scion."

103229.

"Number of steps to make everybody love me."

8291.

A smile appeared on my reflection's face.

"Aw yeah..."

 

[The Grim Squeaker]

"Number of steps to get to the nearest bathroom."

Click to shrink...

Holy shit, I don't think I've ever laughed so much at a sentence!

 

[Orm Embar]

Huh. This is interesting, I guess, though the spoiler tags kind of break up the flow of the text a bit.

 

[Galeiam]

THIS STORY IS BACK WOOHOOO!!!!!
Edit:

Ah fuck looked at the time stamps...

 

[Theman]

Man I love girl you just as funny as guy you. I wonder what you'd get up to as Contessa.

 

[archangis]

I wonder what you'd get up to as Contessa.

Click to shrink...

"Path to world domination and harem"

 

[MadGreenSon]

I really love this 'fic. Despite super-Skitter, Coil Commander's worst enemy will always be himself.

A full service villain protagonist, you don't need heroes, this villain is self-thwarting!

 

[Caelleh]

Damn it all to hell man, use Private Messages if you've got something to say. I got an email and my hopes up for nothing. It's been 7 months since the last update, DON'T NECRO. I've seen you around on several forums, don't pretend you don't know the rules.

 

[Psyckosama]

Ugh.

Typical Nightgazer.

 

[Sudden Tentacles]

Chapter Eleven: The Ethics of Using Your Minion as a Human Guinea Pig

I frowned, looking down upon the open briefcase on my desk, mind boggling at what all of it could mean.

I quickly snapped my fingers when I remembered that during the CYOA character creation, I chose the perk Bottled Super Powers which gave me a briefcase filled with Cauldron-like formulas that could grant anyone super powers. Unlike Cauldron's mix, though, these were all perfectly safe and would not horribly mutate the drinker.

Interesting.

I once more looked down at the various vials and read through each label.

1) THE FARM BOY
2) THE FURIOUS
3) THE PHOTOGRAPHER
4) THE WATCHMAKER
5) THE GOD
6) THE WEAPON
7) THE TYCOON
8) THE COMPANION
9) THE MONARCH
10) DEUS EX MACHINA

Huh. Some of those descriptions were a bit... familiar. Those labels were supposed to give insight into what type of power each vial granted, but for the life of me I could not figure it out. I mean, The Farm Boy? Is that supposed to be some sort of plant-growing power? The ability to be super efficient at agricultural tasks? The God sounded pretty badass, but totally OP. And Deus Ex Machina was just totally bizarre. What kind of crappy power was turning into a Jesus robot anyway?

I was half tempted to just down these vials myself, just to see what they did. But I distinctly remembered that in the perk description it said that the gained powers would overwrite the old one, and I didn't want to risk losing Kaleidoscope. That ability was so very useful, a power that I would definitely need if I were to survive upcoming events.

Thankfully, I had an entire base full of mooks to test these vials on, and an infinite amount of timelines to use up if things go wrong.

Hew hew hew hew hew...

"Mr. Reeves," I said into the monitor after I tapped on the short man's communications icon. "I require your assistance."

Reeves entered my office a few minutes later. "You called, sir?"

"Yes, I did." I grinned, rubbing my hands in anticipation. I couldn't wait to see what these vials did! After splitting timelines so that I had ten universes to play with, I turned my attention back to my minion. "You have been very helpful to me, Mr. Reeves. How would you like to gain some super powers?"

The short man frowned, his weasel-like face scrunching up in obvious distaste. "I... thank you for your generosity, sir. But I am afraid I'll have to decline. Gaining such abilities would interfere with my current duties."

... ... ...

Well, shit. I wasn't expecting him to say no. I mean, who in their right mind would refuse to get fucking super powers? Obviously, this dumb fuck! Hmmm... maybe my approach was just wrong.

I quickly collapsed those ten universes I had just created. Okay... let's try this again.

"Mr. Reeves," I said into the monitor after I tapped on the short man's communications icon. "I require your assistance."

While I waited, I checked back on the other me's who were in the other timeline clusters. The strategy session with other Reeves was still going on, as was my other self who was searching the office for Coil's personal effects. The me's devoted to research were doing well, though one of them had switched to surfing for Case-53 porn when I wasn't paying attention. DAMMIT! Get back to work! The others were thankfully doing what I, er... they... no, me, whatever, was supposed to be doing.

"You called, sir?" Reeves asked as he finally entered my office.

"Yes, I did." I quickly split the timelines from that point, making ten universes as I had done earlier. "You will be gaining super powers. This is not debatable."

All ten Reeves looked shocked for a moment, but then nodded in acquiescence, sadly accepting of their fates. Awww, Reeves. I'm sorry, buddy. Don't worry, after we're done here I'll collapse these timelines and you won't even know that you were ever used as a lab rat.

In Reeves Experimentation Timeline #1, I picked up the vial marked number one and handed it to the short man. He hesitated only for a second before downing the contents. After a few moments, he began to sweat, then his face cringed and I could tell that he was in a great deal of discomfort. It only lasted for a moment, though, as the pain quickly vanished and Reeves was able to stand up straighter.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I... feel fine, now." He took out a handkerchief from his pocket and began to dab at his sweaty forehead. "It was a bit painful for a few moments, but I'm fine now."

"Hrm," I muttered. "Do you feel any different?"

Reeves thought for a moment, then shook his head. "No, sir. I feel very much the same as I usually do."

Dammit. It should have worked!

I spent the next few minutes in that timeline having Reeves jump around trying to fly, concentrate in an attempt to read my mind, as well as try to lift my heavy desk with one hand. Nada. I even forced him to punch the wall, which he did so after a bit of hesitation, only to come out of it with bruised knuckles.

Shit! It was a dud.

I collapsed that timeline in disappointment.

Reeves Experimentation Timeline #2 yielded better results. Kind of.

After downing the vial, Reeves went through the same super cramps before feeling fine after a few minutes. Once again, he said that he felt no different, which was really starting to piss me off. Were all these stupid formulas shit?

Then I remembered what the vial was called. The Furious. Maybe the powers only worked when you were mad.

I then began to insult Reeves to the best of my ability. "You are one ugly man, Reeves. You smell, too. Like a dead baby who just took a massive shit. I doubt your momma ever breast fed you. No woman would ever let those buck teeth anywhere near their tits." And so on and so on. It took forever to get Reeves adequately pissed, and he only did so after I began berating him on the quality of his service.

"My... filing... is... NOT SLOPPY!" Reeves roared, as the eyes behind his glasses turned yellow.

Before my eyes, the short man 's hunched frame began to swell and grow, his skin turning from sickly pale to a disturbing green. Eventually his growth caused his now bulging muscles to rip through his clothes, and within seconds he was a seven-foot-tall, roided out monstrosity.

"Reeves SMASH!!!"

Shit! ABORT! ABORT!

I collapsed that timeline before roid Reeves' giant green fists could pummel me into the concrete.

Well. That was a thing. Apparently, vial number 2 turned you into the Incredible Hulk. Hmm... I wonder...

Reeves Experimentation Timeline #3 offered results that were not as violent, thankfully. After downing the vial and having his hot flashes, Reeves was somewhat disturbed to find that he had grown some type of fleshy growths on his wrists. After poking one for a bit, both of us were startled when a silvery, stringy, and very sticky strand of goop discharged from the new orifice. It sailed across the room and splattered directly into my face plate.

"DAMMIT, REEVES! Don't squirt me in the face! Ugh!" I squealed out in complaint.

"Um, terribly sorry, sir," Reeves mumbled out, looking almost as embarrassed as I did.

After cleaning off Reeve's wrist goo from my face plate, I had him try to climb the walls. He did so, managing to crawl across the bare metal and up to the ceiling with ease. Aha, I thought so! Serum number 3 made you Spiderman!

Though it was the Toby Maguire movie version. Eh. Can't have everything.

I collapsed Timeline 3 and moved onto RE Timeline #4. The results were explosive.

Literally. Reeves fucking disintegrated right in front of my eyes. Like, his skin vaporized first, quickly followed by his guts, then his bones. All of him vanished in a burst of blue light, and then nothing.

Shit. What kind of crappy super power was self disintegration? Lame. Timeline collapsed!

RE Timeline #5 caused Reeves to conjure up this weird little hammer thing. Ah, Thor. Gotcha. I didn't bother to test the rest, since I didn't wanna get zapped. Timeline collapsed.

RE Timeline #6 started out like the first two, with Reeves remaining seemingly unchanged. Then, slowly, right in front of my eyes, his pale, sickly complexion began to darken to a healthier shade. He blinked in confusion, then took off his glasses and gasped, telling me that his near-sightedness had been cured. He began to smile, saying that he hadn't felt that good in years, when all of the sudden three sharp-ass blades shot out from his knuckles and almost impaled him in the face. He screamed. I screamed. And no, we did not go for ice cream afterwards.

After calming down, I quickly collapsed that timeline. Reeves was still screaming like a banshee as the universe vanished, thoroughly freaked out at the deadly metal knives that were now sticking out of his hands. So, vial number 5 was Wolverine. I was starting to see a pattern here.

RE Timeline #7 was much less dramatic. Reeves felt the same, though he told me that he was getting all sorts of ideas on how to build propulsion systems, new metal alloys, hyper-efficient power supplies, and highly advanced power armor. He was obviously a Tinker-type now, so maybe Iron Man? Lex Luthor? Hmmm. That power would definitely come in handy later. I collapsed the universe.

RE Timeline #8 proved to be another dramatic one. As soon as Reeves drank the liquid, he collapsed onto the floor. I was about to get out of my chair and see what the fuck had just gone wrong when I saw him melt right in front of me. His body quickly turned into a viscous black goo. As I tried not to throw up, I saw the tar-like substance flow out from Reeves' discarded clothing, tendrils of black waving around like antennae searching the air. It seemed to focus on me before suddenly shooting forwards, launching into the air directly at me! I'd seen enough hentai to know where this was going!

ABORT! ABORT!

I quickly collapsed that timeline. Crap. I was almost tentacle raped by Venom Reeves. Shit. Talk about close calls.

Events in RE Timeline #9 passed quite easily, though kind of boring compared to the others. Reeves seemed to get super strength from the serum, as well as high durability. (I had him bash his head against the wall repeatedly.) It was a decent Brute package, I guess, but seemed so totally boring. At least when compared to the others. Oh well. At least it was reliable.

Reeves complained about being extremely thirsty and smelling the sea air for some reason. Whatever, Reeves. Stop bothering me with your incidental, unimportant bullshit. Timeline collapsed.

After that, all that was left was testing vial number 10. In RE Timeline #10, I gave Reeves the serum. He tipped his head back and drank the black liquid. Suddenly...

... the timeline vanished.

No, I didn't collapse it. It just did it on it's own. One minute it was there, next it was gone from my awareness. It didn't collapse like it usually did, either. Usually when I collapse a universe, it crumbles at the edges before shattering. This one just blinked out of existence. Weird.

I decided not to give anyone vial number 10. Apparently, it destroyed universes.

Well! That was pretty informative. So apparently all these vials give superpowers based on pre-existing comic book superheroes. Well, except for vials 4 (which vaporized you) and 10 (which vaporized the universe). Vial 1 did absolutely nothing either, though I had my own theories on that one. Farm boy, eh? Eh? I know what ya did there. LOL

I closed the lid of the briefcase, the Tinkertech latches re-locking automatically. I then stretched out my arms over my head, stretching out the kinks in my back as I remained seated in my chair. The other me's in the other timelines continued their given tasks, and the ones who were in the goof-off timelines kept doing what they were doing.

I should probably call it quits for the day. I felt exhausted. Still, I had accomplished much for one day: I received a new and more badass costume, I recruited a brilliant and sexy Tinker, and I managed to get a ton of research and strategizing done. Plus, I found a briefcase of awesome super powers that would make my army even more unstoppable.

Yep, things were definitely falling into place. Soon I'd have everything I needed to wage war on Scion and save the world.

'Yes," I said aloud, allowing an extra bit of gravitas to enter Morgan Freeman's voice. I leaned forwards in my chair, leaning my elbows against the top of the desk as I steepled my fingers in front of my mask's reflective surface. Classic Gendo Ikari pose. "Yes. Everything is going according to plan. Soon Scion will fall by my hands, and the world... will be mine."

Fuck. Yeah!

"Nothing can stop me now," I stated arrogantly. In hindsight, I probably should not have said that.

My phone rang. It seems as if I had just received a text message.

Spoiler

Boss. Can we meet some time this week? We have a problem.
-TT

...

DAMMIT TATTLETALE!

Click to shrink...

This guy... is an idiot. He probably did not realize it, in fact even I am not 100% sure, but I am fairly certain that vial one was a kryptonian package, and number five was Dr. fucking Manhattan, probably the most overpowered comic book character ever seen unless I'm forgetting something.
In addition, I think the kryptonian package was that of one who had not spent a good amount of time soaking in yellow sunlight, thus the lack of noticeable powers. I don't have a clue about number ten, maybe someone else has an idea?