As mentioned in this thread. I had been working on The Return for a while.
And Blood Debts...
And Blood Debts...
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I was actually thinking of reading through Brooding Responsibilities this weekend...
I hadn't gotten around to it because I did a reread of The Return not all too long.
Either way, I'm preemtively liking the first chapters here. It's bound to be good.
Also, is it on purpose that the index post is at the bottom of the index?
The order is even more fucked up now^^
How did Chapter 3 managed to find its way into the Index threadmarks?
I read this over on Fanfiction on my phone yesterday, but wasn't able to leave a review on any of it while walking at the park. It reads much smoother than its predecessor. Also, I would like to say that I really like the bits and pieces you have hinted about Black Sky, and can't wait to see what else you reveal both about her and the succubus home-plane.
I really like the casual environment developing between Ranma and the Company folks here in this chapter - the light banter and conversations flow very well.
I think that what I liked most about this chapter was the conversation she had with Usage while shopping and the training with Happosai. I really like it when fictions take into account things like training and the relationships that come about in these little moments like that.
I enjoyed the casual conversation amongst the dark forces over expensive alcohol just as much as in the last version - which is to say it is one of my favorite parts! Also, you clinging the term 'Akumi' just makes me giggle. Otherwise, I liked how you shifted perspectives around in the fight, not focusing just on Ranma. I also appreciated the irony of the casual school friends commenting on the before and after versions of the various succubi meeting. You also gave me some pretty major feels from the break-up scene, and what I really liked afterwards was Genma doing his best to help, realizing he didn't really know what he was doing, and send her on to Nodoka - it's a little odd to see the main characters father be the one growing up a little, but appreciated nonetheless.
I'm going to have to actually read this and get back to you on how I feel it goes when compared to my memory of first reading The Return a decade ago, but I do have two things right off the bat.
First, breaking the story up like this is a good move. A friend of mine recently dragged me into a writing project of his to get it off his bucket list, and it came up that novels - depending on genre - are generally 70k to 120k words long. Breaking up the over 700K Return makes it more approachable to beginning readers and so they don't feel as intimidated by the time investment needed to read it. It helps that from what I remember, the arcs in The Return felt more or less like books rather than a never ending story.
Second, I - and probably other people on both QQ and FFnet who rely mostly on updates to keep track of things - had no idea you had started re-working The Return. I didn't even begin to look to see if you were working on anything until you finished Blood Debt. I know some people consider it bad form to post sequel/rework updates on FF and there are rules against 'not an actual chapter' posts, but this is QQ. Feel free to post a link in things you are working on to direct your readers to something else you are working on. So, when you post Book Three of the re-write, toss in a post with a link at the end of Book Two. That will help the readers follow along with the story.
Now, I have 300k words to read because I want to see how you've improved everything.
I had read the previous version of this, but in doing so, I had no idea what the crossover story was with, or if it was just something you came up with. I like how you have connected the threads, the chats between the agents, and the conversation between the two Ranma's and Nodoka.
I like how vaguely bored the visiting Ranma looks before local!Ranma initiates contact. I know she was actual thinking on her situation, but looking at it all I could think of was someone being bored during classes.
I like how vaguely bored the visiting Ranma looks before local!Ranma initiates contact. I know she was actual thinking on her situation, but looking at it all I could think of was someone being bored during classes.