Butcher of Bleeding Faithful (Halo/Danmachi)

[CMDR Dantae]

"But Gardener, this isn't a Halo Crossover, it's more like a Noble Six Isekai?" The formless cutting questioned abrasively.

"Mmm, mine sibling, have patience. What's wrong with a good Isekai?"

The cutting pitted against the soil, and so the Earth was tilled.

"Has there ever been a good Isekai? Especially with Noble Six, they all inevitably become faceless edgelords. He even wears all black. At least the ones with Master Chief or Rookie have some variety!"

The soil puttered, as if hammered with a hoe.

"Wait, at least it's not that edgy yet! There's a subplot with PTSD or something, and several strange anomalies in the protagonists memory!"

The soil was cut as if in twain.

"Mind control is not a valid excuse for potholes, especially ones regarding basic facts. Six's rank is repeated in every single mission, multiple times even. It's always Lieutenant this, Lieutenant that. Idiot."

Yet, even split in twain, even shattered to dust, the crumbling soil barely noticed change. Such it already was.

"Second Lieutenant actually."

"Doesn't matt-"

A gentle light interceded, and the thresher beating uselessly at the soil paused in surprise.

"Umm? What's a Master Chief?"

There was a pause, and then as one, the soil and blades responded to the gentle light.

"Have you not played the games Shepherd!?"

"Game? You mean like hopscotch? I played that with wolf."

The soil and blades looked at each other in confusion.

Then the soil reached out and brought forth a small rectangular shape. In the true void outside reality, it was not a real object, but a representation of an idea. Crystallised information.

"This is a game. A videogame. A video you play like a game." The soil intoned.

"Oh, you mean like Nintendo?"

"Well actually, this is an Xbox-"

The light grew warmer.

"What do you mean Xbox? Is that actually what they called their console? Is it because it died on release?"

The soil shimmered in confusion.

"Well no, it did really well actually. Microsoft took a-"

"Really? Microsoft? Was the founders brain microscopic or something? That name is even worse?"

Nobody noticed as a small machine, full of gears a rubber, starting whirring and pumping. A faded label on its surface read in Times New Roman font, could barely be made out as A U T - C O R - E - T.

The soil poured in irritation. "Hey, don't trashtalk Bill Hates like that! He keeps my PC running!"

The gentle light grew warmer.

"Why not? Are you going to stop me?"

Then a thud came from behind them.

Soot had fallen down their chimney.

Several more thuds came, until a man wearing a pair spectacles and covered head to toe in soot burst forth.

"Merry Christmas my dear children! It is I! Your beloved Bill Hates!"

The soil turned upon him, gemstones sparkling from within it's embrace.

"Bill Hates! Is it really you!"

"But of course, of course it is. Now now children. Gather. I have presents for all of you."

From his Microsoft brand backpack, he drew forth several boxes.

To the soil, he gave an Xbox.

"The newest model! With a free game! Yay!"

To the blades, he gave a laptop.

"This will do..."

To the gentle light, he gave a set of headphones.

"Ooh! Music! Music!"

He laughed in a booming voice at the children's delight.

"Now then. I must be off."

With that he walked back to the chimney, grabbed a rope that had been lowered through it. With a quick tug, he was pulled back to the roof.

"Wait a minute."

The blades grinded in confusion.

The others looked at them.

"That wasn't Bill Hates. This has 'ElvenMake' on it."

"That was Santa Claus."

The gentle light paled and flickered in agony.

"The cookies and milk! He's stolen them all again!"

"Oooooh Noooooooooo!"

"Hohohohohohohohoho!"

Jolly laughter echoed through the ceiling and the ringing of bells followed after.