Dead

[Nightgazer]

a

 

[Dakkaface]

Nightgazer, I don't want to rain on your parade, but all of the three threads you have on the front page (or five in total) are prime exemplars of why people think CYOA fics are shit.

First off - they are titled in the exact same way, and let me tell you, seeing three nearly identical threads by the same user on the first page is already grinding my gears. If you're going to post a bunch of intros and not continue any of them, just make a thread for your CYOA choices and explain them. Fiction not required.

All open with aggressively dull, annoying and nearly identical 1000+ word intros of your SI character giggling like a madman and justifying CYOA choices. For starters justifying CYOA choices in the prologue is nearly always a poor decision. Your prologue/first chapter is your attempt to grab your reader's attention. If you spend a big chunk of it on doing math for points and justifying char-op bullshit, you've utterly failed to engage the reader. The choices aren't even done in character as you engage with a ROB or something - it's quite literally a dude completely spazzing out at their computer while doing math. It's a snooze fest which means nothing for those who aren't familiar with the CYOA, and if you're asking us to do homework to understand what's happening in your fiction, you're starting to fail already. Skip the choices, put your build and explanations if you feel you need them behind a spoiler cut. Then start the story by launching into you know, the actual meat of the story instead of tedious build justifications.

Speaking of which - is the goal to make me hate your main character? I mean, that's a legit story choice, making us hate your MC, but I'm not entirely sure that's your intention. Because in all three stories the way he does the CYOA and loudly screams out options and things he's attempting to himself as he does this stuff alone... I'm not left with anything but distaste for the character. They're practically Greg-tier. I sure as hell don't want them to succeed, and my only motivation to read on would be to watch them get the snot kicked out of them. Only I have no expectation that said events would happen, because Worm CYOA.

You have upwards of 5 separate authors notes to OPEN with. Christ man, just put a paragraph at the end of the fic. almost all of these notes don't even need to be there! You want Annette to have survived? Reveal it later in the narrative and it introduces tension as your character has to wonder what else has changed that isn't in line with the story they read. Reveal it in the author's notes and you've just given a plot point to the reader and assured them it will mean nothing, you just decided that would be cool. The fact that you don't drink is irrelevant. The following scenes of swordsmanship are faked? The fuck does that even mean why do we as readers care? Literally the only AN of any worthwhile substance is the link to the version of the CYOA you are using.

Your other two are not worth commenting on beyond this because they contain next to nothing in terms of story. They're CYOA builds, not CYOA fics. I'm posting this here because this is the only one of the three in which you actually attempt to go beyond posing the build.

This is still irritating as you waste fully half your 2500ish words on build explanation. I've already said why this is bad. You then waste another 650+ words on an stupid infodump from ROB. Let me tell you that use of 'ROB' alone is a lazy as fuck cop out. Give it a name or don't make it a character, leaving your drop in unexplained. For the second, infodumping is another bad storytelling technique. It's just dumping a bunch of raw info on the reader, and it's not entertaining. You read that whole 650 words without a single reaction, and your ROB comes off as just as mindlessly asinine as the main character. You have less than 600 words of actual story in this chapter.

The rest of the fic has a serious issue with telling and not showing. You are in an alley. There are sounds of fighting. You are sober. This could be a text adventure with how dry these descriptions are. I could be playing Zork. How do you know you're in an alley? What's it look like? Smell like? Is the air colder, warmer than you're used to? What does 'sounds of fighting' mean? Is it gunfire? The clash of steel? Screams? Hollering of racial slurs? You are panicking. But no descriptions of physiological responses associated with that - no sweaty palms, shaking, fluttering stomach. Also, nothing that would indicate that in your actions - you're panicking, but still have time to look for a mirror and check your body before attempting to get to safety? On top of this, the FIRST thing your character notes is that he's in an alley with the sounds of combat approaching, yet he spots a note, assumes it's for him, is right, and has time to sit there and read it in what I can only assume is a dim shitty alley, ignoring self preservation.

I apologize if this comes off as overly harsh, but Kyle isn't a believable character, and I don't find the 'stories' readable in the least. Hopefully my specific criticisms are helpful.