Death is but a Momentary Relief [Worm Crossover]

[ellf]

The Christmasbringer, a Momentary Relief Christmas Special

'Twas the day before Christmas and all through the Bay
The people were scurrying around in dismay.
The painful sound of Endbringer alarms did blare
Signifying soon at least one would be there.

"Not in Brockton Bay, of course," the heroes assured
"But in the Middle East, Jerusalem, eastward."
"It is the Simurgh," said Dragon, "the mean old Ziz."
"We'll have to fight her," said Armsmaster. "Wherever she is."

The Simurgh descended and prepared to attack
When something ran into her with a smack and crack.
Confused at this, into the future she did peer
And saw a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

And a jolly old driver all dressed up in red
With a fluffy white beard and a cap on his head.
"Now Ziz you've been naughty," said old Santa Claus.
"Attacking these towns with nary a pause."

And the Simurgh did ponder what response she should bring
She pondered and pondered and then began to sing.
Her song assaulted Santa's ears, his mind and his brain
As something within him burbled, ne'er to be the same

In Brockton Bay, the heroes began to gather
The villains did too, for the truce of the matter.
There were Nazis, Merchants, and the ABB too
New Wave, and the Wards, and the friends of the Coon

Everyone had gathered, from the best to the least
They had gathered with courage to fight the beast.
The teleporters took them from the Bay with care
To Jerusalem swiftly, to join the fight there.

"Are you ready?" asked the Coon, his claws sharply ground.
"Against Ziz?" Toolshed asked. "Fuck no, we'll never be found."
"We have to fight," said the Human Kite. "We have the power."
"It's an Endbringer, dude," said Toolshed. "We'll die in an hour."

"You'll all survive," said their friend, the girl in the hood.
"None of you will die today, is that understood?"
She smiled at her friends, helpful in their hour of need
Along came the teleporter, to do the deed.

All five of them, together, swept into the night
Mysterion, the Coon, Toolshed, and Human Kite
Their fifth friend had joined as well, the Douchebag King
Got ready to fight, an Endbringer's end to bring.

In Jerusalem they landed, on the edge of the city
And the Coon became livid at the sight. "Those Goddamn hippies!"
"What hippies?" asked the Human Kite, aghast at the news.
"This is Jerusalem, you fatass, the home of the Jews!"

"And those are capes, Cart—Coon, you knew that or you should."
Said the girl in the question mark covered dark hood.
"Now shut up and listen," she said as a mecha suit got close
And handed out armbands to them, the mood somber and morose.

"You five are young, guy," said Dragon, the Canadian tinker.
"Not too young," said Mysterion to the suit's speaker.
"Young enough," said Dragon. "But put on the band.
"It will tell you when to leave and when you can stand."

Mysterion nodded and looked into the night.
Down onto the city and Ziz, God, what a sight.
The Endbringer had been building something wrought quick
And she seemed to use the expertise of Saint Nick.

"That's Santa down there," said the girl in the hood.
"Ziz had to have taken him. Oh, that is not good."
Legend cleared his throat as he prepared his speech.
"I want you to look around at all of you, each."

"Half will die, it's unavoidable," said the rainbow cape.
"You chose this Endbringer fight, there is no escape.
"Worse still, this is Ziz; you should think about her scream.
"When you get close, you'll see what I mean."

"The bands will tell you all when too much time has passed.
Legend looked at each of them. "It goes far too fast."
"Do retreat back to safety when the warning comes.
"The Ziz bombs are dangerous, don't become those ones"

As quick as it had begun, Legend's speech did end
And per the truce, heroes and villains were like friends.
The capes assembled, gathered for the fight
Ready to maybe die on this Christmas Eve night.

The Movers and Blasters and Strangers and Thinkers
Did gather with the Strikers, Brutes and Tinkers.
The Masters and Changers, Trumps and Breakers
Prepared alongside the best of the Shakers.

The whole while they prepared, the Simurgh did too
She had finished her working, complete in full view
A massive circle, with chevrons and a plate
"No way," said the Kite. "Not a Stargate?"

"That's just crazy," said Mysterion. "What's her plan?"
"You don't think—" Toolshed paused. "Imaginationland?"
"Whatever it is, we need to stop it right quick."
Said the Coon as he tapped his nails with a click.

On Eidolon's cue, the capes began their attack
In the hopes that they might drive ol' Ziz back
They fired masers and lasers and giant ray guns
They used javelins and crossbows and rocks that weighed tons.

But all were stopped mid-air by some sort of field
Had the thing Ziz built been just a simple shield?
"No, too simple", the capes collectively thought
"It has to be more than protection from being shot."

And then at the base of the Simurgh's creation
Stood St. Nicholas, singing like on vacation
The tinkertech rumbled and the ground joined in
Before opening a portal as the ring began to spin

"What could be coming?" asked a cape of the girl in the hood.
"If that goes where I think it does," she said. "Definitely not good."
"It's not like that place is all bad," said the Human Kite.
"But the last time we went there, there was a huge fight."

Then out of the portal came the Simurgh's surprise
Seven woodland animals with clothes and bright eyes.


They were Beary the bear, and Deery the deer
Chipmunky the chipmunk's face was lit up with cheer.
Beavery the beaver and Foxy the fox as well
Were joined by Mousy the mouse and Squirrely the squirrel.

"Fuck," said Toolshed with worry. "I was afraid of that."
He pushed a button his armband. "Kill the animals in hats."
He turned to the Coon and said, "They're all your fault."
"You guys," said the Coon. "Stop with the salt."

"Worry about that later," Mysterion said.
"We have some critters to put to bed."
Then off they dashed, ready to join the teams
Unfortunately it wasn't long before hearing the screams.

The Simurgh's scream was loudest of all
Unable to be silenced like an errant phone call
But the screams of the capes became louder too
As the critters attacked like some satanic zoo

"Hail Satan!" cried the hoarse voice of Beary the bear
As he used his powers to swat capes from the air.
"Now come on, y'all, time to play nice."
Said Foxy the fox as he rolled heads like dice.

Over the armbands the announcements came
Of deaths, of downings, of each dead cape's name
Maximus and Fargus, Lister and Heave deceased
Boxer and Sere'do'well, as well as the Rose Beast

So many dead in a flash, with not much to do
Coon Friends needed someone to save them all, but who?
WIth the wind at his back and his lasers in flight
An idea formed in the mind of Human Kite.

"Stay here my friends, I know just what to do."
And the Kite went off in the search of some poo.
Not just any poo, of course, the right kind too
Combined with belief, he would come right to you.

Now you dear reader need to believe as well
For belief in this is not just something you smell
With Ziz and the Critters endangering us all
No belief is too strong, no poo is too small.

The Kite found the poo and you have found your belief
Which will soon bring the capes and all of us relief
With a bit of crunch and the faint hint of dough
Mister Hanky, the Christmas Poo awoke with a "Howdy-Ho!"

"Now gosh," said the poo as he gazed upon the fight.
"It's Christmas today and they're ruining this night."
And swiftly the Christmas Poo jumped into the fray
Arming each cape and marking each critter to be blown away

And Ziz snagged the Poo from the air with her mind
And tried to convert him to her side only to find
That a mind made of Poo was nothing to smear
And it was then that the Endbringer began to feel fear.

For this was Christmas, she reasoned, a time for love
And she simply expressed it as death from above
But perhaps, she pondered, there was much more to know
As she stared at the Poo and he greeted her with "Howdy-Ho!"

And then, it is said, she experienced dismay
As her heart, like the Grinch's, grew three sizes that day
She threw down the Poo instantly with a cry
And her scream did waver and the Critters started to die

Then into the air, Ziz shot like a light
No more to darken this Christmas Eve Night
But the Endbringer left one last Christmas surprise
As Ziz's working collapsed before the capes' eyes.

It started out small, but then started to grow
As the battlefield became covered in pure white snow
And up in the sky, there was a light not too far
Where Ziz had flown off to shone a bright Christmas Star.

And Santa climbed into his sleigh, grabbing his sack
With the Poo at his side, assuring everyone he was back
"On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horris and Chantel,
"On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, and Montel!"

"Santa thanks you all for helping to save him this night,
You saved Christmas by fighting this fight
Now go back home and off to the mall
Dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

Away he flew until he was out of sight
And the fight was concluded this Christmas Eve night

And… Kyle died of AIDS three weeks later.

"God damnit Cartman," Kyle yelled. "I stayed quiet this time, and again you killed me off?"

"What? You're a Jew! You don't even celebrate Christmas! What the hell are you even doing here?" asked Eric. "Besides, you're the hero this time! Come on, the Human Kite is the one who got Mister Hanky!"

"Howdy-Ho, Eric!" said the Poo from his perch on the teacher's desk. "Gosh, that was a swell story, but didn't it end too quickly?"

A muffled sound that vaguely sounded like "and the deaths weren't reported well," came from Taylor's direction. Her orange hood was up tight this morning.

"Yeah, Taylor's right, fat boy," Emma said. "You needed more oomph. More impact."

"Fuck you, ginger bitch," Eric said. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to write one of these things? I'd like to see you do better!"

"Fine! I will!" Emma stood up, and then the bell rang, signifying the end of class.

"Oh, I'm sorry Children, but that's all the time we have for today. Have a good Christmas break, everyone," said their fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Knowstoolittle.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, you don't get to tell your story," Eric sing-songed as he walked past Emma. "You're an ugly ginger b—"

Emma kicked him in the crotch, and immediately, he started to cry.

Meanwhile, in the corner of the class, the New Kid watched silently as they all began to leave.

"It's like I told you," said a deep voice. "They never cared about you. You had been their King, and now you're nothing. But we can change that. Oh, yes we can…"

 

[ellf]

As a Christmas gift, here is a recording of me reading the poem, unedited audio.

https://soundcloud.com/ellf-829734281/the-christmasbringer