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TanaNari | 38 |
Always. It's not biologically possible to write this many words and not have typos. Fixing them is always a goal.Are you also interested in typo reports, like missing capitalization in "though"?
whoRight now, he was less interested in men, and more interested in one specific woman which was unique in both layers of reality.
Why say she was "only" shielded by that, if it was enough to make him dismiss her?She was, however, shielded only by a passionate love he'd have to struggle to overcome, so he dismissed her as an option.
"he", and probably also "it being obvious" or "making it obvious"Brown being the difficult one; he'd have to find a way to neutralize her without being obvious that she did so.
That "opposite" phrasing is off, also ends with two '.'His toasted-brown skin darkened until it was just shy of the shade of rich soil and an almost opposite color one would expect of the lazy fops of courtly life..
howThe blonde was second, a brief flash of almost bored acceptance of flattery, followed by a tinge of intrigue as she considered he different he seemed.
seems like the wrong verbHis fake smile felt a little more genuine for a moment; the wedges had been formed, now he could take advantage of them, but first he had to disavow the target of her developing need to defend him.
herHe gestured at his skin, and with it invited Blonde to consider his features and how they appealed to him.
She had offered an interesting out, and for another girl it might even have been the ideal approach, but this one found being his bold contradiction desirable, even if she wasn't aware of that impulse in herself.
The bitterness off of all three was tangible, but Blonde the most.
remove commaJust enough to play on that more animal desire this poor, sheltered, child had not yet learned she could be a master of rather than a slave to.
probedMeanwhile, the way her psychic abilities probing at his mind escalated to the point where they would have been considered almost as obscene as what he planned to do to her.
remove "it"; "could" what? Either there should be a verb, or it should be "with wanton abandon as only a young adult with no experience could"He leaned in and gave her what he was certain was her first kiss, which she returned it with the wanton abandon that only a young adult with no experience could.
Short dashes normally have spaces on both sides, long dashes on neither. Is this intentionally written with asymmetric spaces?Her mind cycled back to what would happen when she returned to the estate- sneaking out had been hard enough, there was no chance she could get back in without being caught.
And she could feel his longing and the disappointment he was trying to hard to hide.
Proving once again: I suck at wording.
That'll start soon. The thing is, the narrative *is* meant to surround Ada, but only as the story evolves. In the next few chapters she'll gain progressively more focus as she exerts more agency until... probably around chapter 10-ish (hard to predict considering the nature of this conversion)... she becomes the primary focus character for the rest of the story. Plus or minus individual side stories revolving around other characters and their plot development.I'm curious/suspicious of the viewpoint being the demon rather than the princess
Does it? I mean, I can see that of the notes and stuff... but if any in-character text feels more like a game than them being caught up in the events, then that's a thing I need to fix. Aside the brief mage-chess thing. That's clearly meant to be viewed as a game even in the narrative.
Not as much as I hope... this story is heavy for me... I've never been so nervous in my life.
I have a 400k rough draft. To call it a "backlog" is a bit much, but to give you some idea... there are over 420kb in text documents dedicated to Paradox.
I happen to like her, at least. She set Arakash on fire, and that's worth a lot in my book.
Yeah, I sort of think of them as the "bar scene" in Final Fantasy 7. When things slow down and you get to meet the characters and get to know them for more than their polygons and statblocks.These might seem to be quiet chapters, but they're doing a lot of lifting!
I certainly didn't. On the other hand, the city is on fire, maybe stabbing your protector isn't the best idea right now...Incidentally, if you thought of it before reading the author's note