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My brothers keeper, an OC/SI as the twin of Stalin

Render unto Caesar New
October 8, 1917
Petrograd, Russia
Afternoon


Father Sergey Eldarevich Patruchev swept the stone steps of his church with the slow, practiced rhythm of habit. It was the same work he had done for years: sweeping the entrance, scrubbing soot off the brass railings, patching leaks in the roof when they came, preparing for the next mass. Being a priest was not a job but a life — prayers and liturgies, feast days and burials, sermons and confessions, and, when no one was looking, sweeping dust from the church's cracked old flagstones.

And now, even after revolution had turned the city upside down, the work went on. Masses still needed saying, candles still needed trimming, icons still needed dusting. The prayers remained the same — only the world outside had changed.

But the change stood guard at his very door. Four men in black coats and red armbands loitered there, rifles slung across their shoulders, the new masters of the street. The Revolutionary Guard Corps. They said they were there to "protect" the church, and every other church, mosque, synagogue, and temple in Petrograd. Protect — a strange word, Sergey thought. Soldiers with bayonets rarely came to protect. They came to remind.

He bent to sweep the steps again, the broom whispering against stone, when he heard the sound that made his stomach tighten: the boots. A hundred times he had heard them, heavy and deliberate, the thudding march of men drilled to stomp the earth in unison. The goose-step of the Revolutionary Guard Corps.

He froze. He knew who it would be.

It was not Sunday, but a Monday. Still, the man came. The man who had routed and butchered a Cossack host only two days ago. The man who, just yesterday, had sat in the confessional and described — with disarming cheer — how he had forced prisoners to kill their comrades with stones and bayonets if they wished to live. Sergey had thought then, as he thought now: only a monster could imagine such a thing.

And then Mikheil Jugashvili appeared, he looked nothing like a monster. He walked with the confidence of a man who had never doubted his own steps, who smiled as if he were greeting friends on a summer morning, not dragging shadows behind him. He was short, but broad-shouldered, with neatly combed hair, a handsome face free of the pockmarks smallpox had carved into so many others. A man who looked more like a charming actor in a play than a butcher.

"Father Patruchev, hello!" he said brightly, clapping Sergey on the shoulder as though they were old friends meeting at market. Without asking, he plucked the broom from Sergey's hand and passed it to one of his guards. "Sweep for him." The order was casual, like telling a servant to fetch tea. The Guard obeyed instantly, and Sergey could only stare as the man began to sweep, awkward and grim-faced with a rifle still slung over his back.

"Come, Father," Mikheil said, ushering him inside. The doors shut behind them with a hollow echo, shutting out the city and leaving only candlelight.

Sergey's throat was dry. "What… what brings you here, Comrade Jugashvili?"

"I have a favor to ask of you."

Here we go, Sergey thought. His fingers curled around the sleeves of his cassock, gripping tight.

"What sort of favor?" he asked carefully.

Mikheil leaned against a pew, smiling as if they discussed the weather. "Well, you see, I'm no longer just commander of the Revolutionary Guard Corps. I've been appointed head of the Commissariat of Religious Affairs."

Sergey felt the blood drain from his face. The Commissariat of Religious Affairs. The name itself sounded like a warning.

"Religious affairs?" he repeated, though he dreaded the answer.

"Exactly." Mikheil nodded with mock solemnity, then brightened again. "My new job is very simple: register every church, mosque, temple, synagogue, and shrine in Petrograd. Make sure no one preaches counter-revolution. Just paperwork, really. Forms, signatures, stamps." He grinned. "The Almighty is no longer the only one keeping records."

"I… I see." Sergey swallowed, too afraid to probe further.

But Mikheil was already ahead of him, pacing between the pews like a man inspecting a factory floor. "Father, this is good news. For you, for your priests, for all of your faith. Because I'm not only in the commissariat now — I am a sitting member of the Central Committee. One of the most powerful men in the government. And, more importantly, the only one in there who practices the Orthodox faith."

He turned suddenly, his smile fading to something harder. "Do you know what the others wanted to do with your church? With all the churches? With the mosques, the synagogues, the temples?"

Sergey opened his mouth, but Mikheil cut him off, voice still cheerful but edged with iron.

"They wanted to seize the land, confiscate the wealth, declare state atheism. Some even wanted to ban religion altogether. Imagine that! I told them it would be madness. People love their faith too much. Even with your… issues" — he waved a hand vaguely, as though the sins of the clergy were an untidy room — "you are a net positive for society. You keep the people calm, you bury the dead, you marry the living, you sing the songs that make them believe life isn't just shoveling manure until they die. That's valuable."

He smiled again, bright and easy, as though he had just offered praise.

"So I told them: leave religion alone. Let it exist, as long as it does not cause trouble. Which," he said, stepping closer, "is why I am here. I am here to offer you a job."

Sergey blinked. "A… job?"

"Exactly!" Mikheil's grin widened, his teeth flashing white. "I will be leaving the city on a mission. A secret mission. Very important, very dangerous. But while I'm gone, I need someone to run the Commissariat in my place. Someone who is respected, honest, apolitical. Who better than my priest?"

He clapped Sergey on the back again, as though congratulating him. "You will be Under-Commissar for Religious Affairs. You'll do my job while I'm away."

Sergey's hands tightened on the folds of his cassock. The candles flickered. Outside, the muffled scrape of a broom against stone continued.

A job. He almost laughed at the word.

Father Sergey swallowed. "You… you would make me a commissar?"

"Under‑commissar," Mikheil corrected cheerfully, wagging a finger. "Let's not inflate titles. That's how tsars get made." He leaned back against the altar rail, hands clasped as though in prayer. "But yes. You. Who better? You're literate, sober, respected. The people listen to you when you talk. And unlike half my comrades, you don't smell like you've bathed in vodka and slept in a pigsty. You'd be surprised how rare that is in government."

Sergey tried to answer but the words stuck. He thought of the council in Jerusalem two thousand years ago, of Peter and Paul debating how far one might bend before breaking. Could a priest serve Caesar without betraying Christ? Could he serve Bolsheviks without betraying God?

Mikheil saw his hesitation and raised a hand as though calming a child. "Now, don't make that face. This isn't a bargain with the Devil, Father. I won't ask you to renounce God. No oaths, no spitting on icons, no parades of blasphemy. That was what the others wanted." He grinned. "I told them that was idiotic. Why pick a fight with Heaven when you already have so many on Earth?"

He took a step closer, his boots clicking softly on the stone floor. "The only pledge required is simple: you do not preach counter‑revolution. No sermons about wicked Bolsheviks, no 'anointed tsars,' no muttering about God's vengeance on the proletariat. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, render unto Lenin what is Lenin's." He chuckled. "Same difference."

Sergey stiffened. "And… render unto God?"

"Oh, absolutely," Mikheil said warmly, as if reassuring a nervous guest. "You may render unto God all the incense, prayers, and funeral hymns you want. Keep the peasants pious, give them something to believe in beyond bread rations and cold barracks. That's useful. That's stabilizing. But…" His smile thinned. "If you start talking about a 'Holy War' against us, Father, then I'll have to nail your wife to the church door. And believe me, even Luther never tried that."

Sergey's heart pounded. He wanted to shout that the Church belonged to God alone, that Christ had no equal in Lenin or in Caesar. But he was staring into the eyes of a man who had forced Cossacks to kill their own brothers with their bare hands. A man who smiled as he spoke of it, who smelled faintly of wine and soap but carried death around him like incense.

"And the Party?" Sergey asked carefully.

"Yes," Mikheil said, clapping his hands once. "The Party. You will have to join. But think of it this way: You don't even have to believe. Just sign the book, stand when they say stand, clap when they say clap. We don't need your heart, Father, just your silence."

He leaned forward, his voice dropping lower, almost intimate. "And really, what is one more pledge? You already wear a cassock and call yourself a servant of God. Is it so hard to add another line? 'Servant of God, loyal member of the Party'? Seems manageable."

Sergey's palms were sweating. He wanted to refuse. But behind Mikheil's easy grin he saw the corpses at Pulikovo Heights, the eyes of men forced to kill their own brothers, the news that even the Junkers had been butchered to the last cadet under Dzerzhinsky's hand.

Mikheil spread his arms as though concluding a sermon. "So here's the good news: your church stays open, your flock keeps their sacraments, and your God gets His incense. All you have to do is help out the Party while you're at it." He winked. "Metaphorically."

Sergey thought of the guard outside, awkwardly pushing a broom over stone steps with a rifle at his back. He thought of Christ silent before Pilate.

Father Sergey then swallowed, fingers tight around his wooden cross. He had expected blasphemy, desecration, some grotesque oath to the Devil dressed up in Bolshevik red. Instead, Mikheil spoke with the ease of a man ordering dinner.

"You look tense, Father. Don't." Mikheil smiled, all teeth, his eyes too sharp to be friendly. "Let me reassure you once again, I'm not asking you to spit on God or burn your icons. That's not my game. No midnight orgies with goat‑headed idols, no tearing Bibles into toilet paper. Your job will be boring. Census work." He mimed writing on an invisible ledger. "Every church, every mosque, every synagogue — counted, registered, filed away like good livestock."

Sergey flinched at the word.

"Soft secularism, Father," Mikheil continued, as if he were explaining tax law to a child. "French style. Reasonable. The churches will keep their properties. No bonfires of relics, no nuns thrown into the streets. But…" He raised a finger. "Those properties will be taxed. Their schools, charities, hospitals — still yours, still church‑run. But the Party will have men inside. Not to preach, not to interfere, just to make sure you're healing bodies, not fermenting counter‑revolution in the back pews. Think of it like the jizya under Islam, only gentler. Less whips for believers, more clipboards for administrators."

He leaned closer, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "And the taxes will be reasonable, Father. Not the old tsarist extortions. Just enough to remind you who's boss." He tapped Sergey's chest lightly with a gloved finger. "Spoiler alert: it's us."

Sergey forced himself to speak. "And if… if I refuse?"

Mikheil laughed, a quick bark that echoed against the church walls. "Refuse? Oh, Father, I would be upset. I would have to hand your file to Zinoviev or Kamenev, and they'd get their wish — shutter the churches, confiscate the land, turn your altars into pig troughs. They've been pushing state atheism since day one. They'd burn you all for kindling if I let them. But I argued you were useful. That people love you too much to lose you. And for now, Lenin listens. For now."

Sergey felt his mouth go dry. "So… I am only spared by your favor?"

"Yes!" Mikheil beamed, as though announcing a prize. "Exactly. And you know why? Because you're the only priest I know well enough not to bore me. I'd have picked Father Saba from my hometown back in Georgia — kind man, used to slip me wine from the chalice when I was a boy — but Georgia is too far away and this is urgent." He shrugged. "So here you are. My priest. My under‑commissar."

Sergey lowered his head, staring at the floorboards. He thought of Christ's warning: render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, and unto God what is God's. Mikheil had twisted that verse until it bent around the Party like iron around a wheel. He had offered survival in exchange for silence, power in exchange for complicity.

Mikheil, seeing his hesitation, patted him on the shoulder. "Father, this is compromise. Compromise keeps people alive. You preach the Gospel, we audit the books. You bury the dead, we collect the taxes. No one has to die. Unless, of course, you choose otherwise."

Sergey raised his eyes and saw the smile — warm, easy, casual — but behind it lay Pulikovo Heights, the corpses, the blood in the mud.

And he understood then, with dreadful clarity, that Mikheil's offer was not mercy. It was a trap disguised as mercy, a noose dressed up as a handshake.

But still, he heard his own voice, hollow and faint, say: "I accept."

Mikheil clapped his hands together, delighted. "Wonderful! God stays God, Lenin stays Lenin, and I get to sleep at night without worrying about your sermons turning my men into holy martyrs. Everybody wins!"

Sergey nodded stiffly, wondering if Heaven would ever forgive him.

Father Sergey braced himself for blasphemy, for the sneer of the atheist who despises all faith. Instead, Mikheil leaned back against the pew, casual as a parishioner waiting for vespers.

"Father, you're thinking too hard. You look like you swallowed a live frog." He chuckled. "Let me put you at ease for the third time now. The churches will be free to do as they please — bells ringing, incense burning, icons kissed, the whole package — so long as they don't preach counter‑revolution. That's the line in the sand. Pray for the poor, feed the hungry, lecture about sin all you like. Just don't sermonize about overthrowing the workers' state, and we'll get along famously."

Sergey blinked, uncertain if it was kindness or bait.

Mikheil's smile widened. "In fact, I've already passed a few decrees as commissar. You'll like this one: attacking or desecrating a place of worship? Punishable by service in a punishment brigade. Digging trenches in the Arctic, sweeping mines in the Baltic. Very educational work. And murdering priests, imams, rabbis, or any other holy men?" He raised a finger like a schoolteacher. "Capital offense. Immediate execution. No appeals. Bullet to the head, straight justice."

Sergey's heart gave a sudden, bewildered lurch. It was protection, yes — protection by threat of iron and gunpowder.

"And here's my favorite," Mikheil said, lowering his voice as though sharing a family secret. "Speaking badly of any religion in public — any religion — is punishable by whipping. Twenty lashes for the first offense, forty for the second, and if they still don't learn their manners, well…" He shrugged. "Whips can be remarkably persuasive. Nothing like a welted back to remind you to keep your clever little mouth shut."

Sergey stared, trying to reconcile the warm, almost jovial tone with the savagery of the laws. Mikheil spoke as if he were describing a new school curriculum, not state violence wrapped in a smile.

The commissar tapped the arm of the pew. "See, Father? I'm your best friend in that Central Committee. Zinoviev wanted to seize your churches and turn them into canteens. Kamenev wanted to burn the relics. Trotsky, well, Trotsky just sneers — I think he finds God unfashionable. But me? I put laws in place. Hard laws. Laws that make harming you a capital offense. Laws that keep the mobs at bay. It's protection money, really. Think of me as your patron saint with a revolver."

Sergey's lips moved before he realized he was speaking. "And what does Heaven make of such protection?"

Mikheil's grin sharpened. "Heaven can lodge a complaint with Lenin, Father. Until then, you've got me."
 
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Speaking badly of any religion in public — any religion — is punishable by whipping. Twenty lashes for the first offense, forty for the second, and if they still don't learn their manners, well…" He shrugged. "Whips can be remarkably persuasive. Nothing like a welted back to remind you to keep your clever little mouth shut."
I'm sure the good father noticed the unspoken subtext that this law also affects the church once the first holy man decides to try to convert and denounce other faiths only to watch as the guards in the corners begin to march towards him and the Cloister looks on in fear as he is whipped for all to see
 
Trans Siberian slog New
The year is 1917, the Tsar has just been overthrown. Outside of the Smolny institute. A man walks up to the guards and requests a letter be delivered, that man was Mikheil Jugashvili. And that letter marked the beggining of his rapid rise through the Bolsheviks.

-Intro from Spartan761-History's YouTube video on the life of Mikheil Jugashvili titled: The Red Richelieu

October 16, 1917
Finland Station
Petrograd, Russia
Morning


I stood on the platform outside the train, watching steam hiss from the great iron beast that would haul me and five hundred weary men eastward to Tobolsk. Our destination: a frozen Siberian backwater where the Romanovs sat waiting in their gilded exile, like a porcelain tea set wrapped in rags.

The journey, on paper, was simple. Ride the Trans-Siberian to Tyumen, then hopefully take a couple of river barges several hundred kilometers north through endless forests and swamps until we reached Tobolsk. That was if the rivers weren't frozen yet which given the state of Russia I wouldn't be surprised if they were and we had to walk so I had bear go heavy on the supplies. Simple, yes—like hammering nails into your own coffin. The only difference was, instead of pine, ours would be snow.

Still, I allowed myself a small consolation: I'd get to ride the Trans-Siberian Railroad. The Tsar built it as a monument to imperial grandeur, and now it was ferrying revolutionaries eastward to retrieve his family. History is never without a sense of humor, but in Russia it's always a little crueler than funny.

Not that I'd spent the last few weeks idling. No, I'd been busy. I had helped Aleksander expand and formalize what we generously called a "war economy" with Lenin's blessing. Someone had to organize the tax collectors, because bullets and bread don't grow on trees, and every revolution eventually needs men with ledgers as much as men with rifles.

Dzerzhinsky's National Guard, technically the new police force, were our collectors. We'd swelled their ranks to nearly ten thousand in Petrograd in just a few weeks. That took work—mainly a recruitment campaign among all the old cops we hadn't shot or who hadn't defected to Trotsky. Nothing motivates loyalty like a choice between a rifle, a paycheck, or a shallow grave.

They now patrolled the streets alongside my own Revolutionary Guard, which had grown to seven thousand. Together, our job was simple: collect taxes, oversee nationalization, and look frightening enough that no one thought to argue about either.

Nationalization, though, was selective. We seized the big enterprises—dockyards, rail hubs, steelworks. The small businesses, we left alone. Shoemakers, fishmongers, the corner print shops—they were hardly worth the paperwork. As for criminal enterprises, well, those were now fully legalized, provided they paid their dues. Brothels, opium dens, gambling parlors, smuggling markets—all out in the open, flying the red flag of fiscal contribution.

The result was a Petrograd unlike anything Europe had ever seen. In the open-air markets you could buy rifles by the crate, opium by the kilo, and rent a woman for the night—all with the convenience of government-issued receipts. "One hour of services rendered, glory to the Revolution." Morality had packed its bags and fled months ago, but the tax man never missed a payment. If that isn't socialism at work, I don't know what is.

Meanwhile, we were delivering on our promises—or at least performing a convincing impression. Bread, peace, land. Land came first. We announced redistribution: no one in Russia could own more than three acres. Anything above that, the state confiscated and handed out to the landless. Three acres and a shovel—that was the new social contract.

Of course, the kulaks and cossacks in Ukraine hated it. The Cossacks in the south of Russia were even less thrilled and the nobility was enraged. They revolted, naturally. But the peasants? They loved it. They embraced it with the fervor of drowning men clutching driftwood. Overnight, we had willing foot soldiers who saw us not as revolutionaries but as the deliverers of their long-awaited inheritance.

The uprisings were inevitable, but they weren't mine to worry about. Those were Trotsky's mess. Let him deal with the Cossacks, Ukrainians, nobles and the stubborn kulaks. I was heading east to play nursemaid to the Romanovs.

As for peace, Joe had been handed that poisoned chalice. Stalin was our negotiator with Germany. He approached it with all the gravity of a priest preparing a funeral sermon. My advice to him was blunt:

"Anything they occupy, let them keep. If they want more, let them have it—but only if they can invade it and hold it. Remind them the Americans are in the war now, and every day they waste bargaining over scraps is another day they lose the chance to knock France out before Yankee boots come stomping across Europe. If vanity and greed blind them, so much the better—we'll be the corpse that drags them down with us. And if they insist on having Ukraine tell them we will burn down every grain field we can find before they get their hands on it and no one would be satisfied. Guarantee them grain though, it's the only reason they even want Ukraine."

Everyone else treated this like destiny, like we were shaping the future of mankind. They whispered and schemed in tones of solemn urgency, as though God himself had drafted our meeting minutes. But I couldn't help myself—I laughed. Outwardly, I kept my face straight; inwardly, I saw it for what it was: the world's bleakest comedy.

Five hundred armed men, bound for Siberia, to guard a royal family that everyone secretly wanted dead but no one wanted to kill. A capital city kept alive by prostitutes, opium, and stolen rifles. A revolution that survived less on ideology and more on taxes from brothels. And everyone around me acted as if this were the will of history, fate made manifest.

Maybe they were right. Maybe this was destiny. But if so, destiny was drunk, blind, and laughing at its own joke.

But enough about revolutions, taxes, and nationalizations. This morning wasn't about politics—it was about family.

First was Mama, Keke. Pious as ever, whispering prayers for me and Joe, as though a thousand Hail Marys could wash away the blood on my hands. These last few months I had racked up a kill count and temperament that would make the Joker himself throw his arms up and mutter, "Alright bro, calm down, you're stealing my act."

She took my face in her hands, drew the sign of the cross over me with trembling fingers, and whispered, "You stay safe out there."

I smiled, because that's what sons do when their mothers beg God to protect mass murderers. "I'll try, Mama." Then I hugged her, inhaling the faint scent of incense she always carried, like the church had branded itself into her skin. Over her shoulder, Joe scowled, as if every act of tenderness was a bourgeois indulgence.

"Remember your confession," she added sternly, "go to church often, and show mercy."

Yes, Mama, I'll make sure to show mercy—right after I'm done hauling a dethroned royal family across Siberia with five hundred armed men.

Next came Aleksandra, leaving baby Besarion with Mama before throwing her arms around me and kissing me so passionately the station guards pretended not to see. She pulled back just enough to whisper, "Try not to get yourself killed, you lunatic."

"No promises," I said with a grin, then gave her backside a firm slap. She laughed, even as Joe glared at me like I had just spit on Marx's grave.

Then it was Aleksander, my brother-in-law—the man who simultaneously ran our war economy/criminal syndicate, proving once and for all that capitalism and communism weren't enemies, just awkward cousins at the same family dinner. He embraced me and muttered, "It'll be less fun without you."

"Joe's got a unique sense of humor," I said with mock solemnity. "You'll be fine." Then I clapped him on the back so hard I nearly knocked the breath out of him.

After that, it was time for the children's parade.

Yakov, eyes wide and expectant, asked, "Will you bring back a present, Uncle Mikheil?"

"If I can steal something shiny from the Romanovs, I'll bring it back," I winked. Who says class warfare can't double as a gift shop?

Next came Iosif, tugging at my coat. "Papa… are you sure I can't go with Uncle Joe?"

Joe once again stiffened at being called uncle Joe. He hated it—made him look soft. Which is exactly why I ignored his glare. "The front's too dangerous," I told the boy. "But when I get back, I'll teach you to shoot a rifle."

His face lit up like Christmas morning. "Really?!"

"Really. You'll be a fine marksman." I ruffled his hair, already imagining the day he'd shoulder a Mosin-Nagant taller than he was.

Then came Kato. She was nervous, biting her thumb, her stutter tripping over her words. Seven years old, and already carrying anxiety like a family heirloom. "P-pa-papa...will you bring b-b-back a m-m-model plane?"

I crouched down and hugged her tightly. "I will. And when I do, you'll be the terror of the skies. Just promise me you'll keep studying, even if the schools are closed. Textbooks are still your weapon."

"I-I'll try, Papa."

"Good girl." I pinched her cheeks gently before sending her off.

Then it was Aleksander, already more bookish than practical. "If there are any rare books out there, could you bring me one? I just finished reading about Napoleon's invasion. Something else like that would be nice."

"Always with the books," I sighed, hugging him tightly. "Fine. If I find one, it's yours. If not, you'll have to settle for an autographed icon of Tsar Nicholas."

Finally, I turned to Joe.

"Make sure they're safe while I'm gone," I said, patting his shoulder. "You're in charge of the Guard here. They're good men, loyal. You're the only one I can trust with this."

He just nodded, stone-faced, as though emotion were a disease he refused to contract.

I leaned closer. "And remember what I told you about the treaty. I believe in you." Then, in a moment that shocked everyone on the platform, I lunged forward and wrapped him in a bear hug.

He stiffened immediately, his face twitching between surprise, annoyance, and something dangerously close to embarrassment. "Stay safe, Joe," I whispered, "I don't want to be forced to save your life a third time."

I pulled back, smirking at his discomfort. "And for God's sake, loosen up when you're with my family. We're not your enemies in the party. I'll see you soon."

The look he gave me could have curdled milk, but I boarded the train before he could lecture me. Sliding into my quarters, I allowed myself one last laugh. Here we were, a family of revolutionaries, criminals, zealots, and misfits—and somehow, I was the one headed to guard the royal family.

October 16–November 20, 1917
On the rails and rivers of Holy Russia


You'd think taking 500 men across Russia would feel like leading an army. It didn't. It felt like babysitting a particularly smelly choir that couldn't keep time, couldn't sing, and occasionally bayoneted the wrong people when drunk. We left Petrograd with banners flying, rifles stacked neatly, boots polished — within two hours half of them were asleep in the hay wagons and the other half were already trying to steal vodka off the commissary car.

The train itself was a miracle of Russian engineering: meaning it shook like a drunken epileptic every ten minutes, the stove smoked us like bacon, and half the wheels sounded like they were planning a suicide pact. I stole my binoculars off a dead Provisional officer, but I swear I should've stolen his cushions too — my ass will never forgive those wooden benches.

I kept morale up by walking through the carriages, cracking jokes and handing out sunflower seeds like I was everyone's favorite uncle — which, I suppose, I am. The men love me, probably because I actually pay them. You'd be amazed what regular wages, hot meals, and the occasional opportunity to loot will do for revolutionary zeal.

We crawled eastward like lice on a peasant's scalp. The timetable said we'd hit Moscow in two days. It took three and a half, because apparently when you're trying to move an armed battalion through a collapsing empire you have to keep stopping for deserters on the tracks, broken rails, and the occasional rumor of anarchists stealing locomotives.

Lenin said to me before we left: "Mikheil, you must reach Tobolsk with haste." And I said: "Of course, Comrade. I'll just flap my arms very hard and fly there instead." He didn't laugh. He never laughs. Miserable man.

By the time we hit Yekaterinburg my men had invented three new card games, two venereal diseases, and at least one folk song about me personally that I'm sure will get me excommunicated if anyone ever writes down the lyrics. Every time we stopped for water or coal, locals came out and stared at us like we were circus animals. Which, to be fair, we were — just a circus with more bayonets and fewer clowns. (Well, fewer clowns if you don't count Trotsky, but I digress.)

Finally, we rolled into Tyumen. Beautiful city, if you like mud, drunkards, and horses that look suicidal. From there came the real fun: no rails to Tobolsk, the river Irtysh was frozen, so we walked.

Do you know how long it takes to have 500 men walk through hundreds of kilometers of muddy roads in the middle of Siberia just as fall is starting to turn into winter, with us having to haul carriages full of supplies and gold for bribing red guards? Too long. The men hated it. Mosquitos, campfires, foraging and hunting for wildlife, the cold, the occasional the bandit getting cocky and trying to fuck with us. I told them not to worry, if they died at least they wouldn't have to listen to me singing anymore. That got a laugh, though I wasn't joking.

At night, we made campfires on the riverbank and gave speeches about duty and glory. Then I challenged them to wrestling matches and let myself lose once in a while so they'd feel proud. Revolutionary Guard morale trick: beat your commander, feel like a hero. (Never mind that I could've broken most of their necks in two seconds.)

We reached the gates of Tobolsk around November 20th, tired, dirty, and smelling like the inside of a drunk priest's cassock. But alive. And ready. I stood outside the city gates and told them all, "Comrades! Here we are. The Romanovs await. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get to meet an emperor. If you're unlucky, you'll die first. But either way, you'll get a story for your grandchildren!"

They cheered. Idiots. Lovely, loyal idiots.

November 20, 1917
Tobolsk, Russia


We made our way into Tobolsk like a touring band nobody asked for but everyone had to host anyway. Down icy streets, past peasants with dead eyes, straight to the governor's mansion — the grand provincial cage where the Romanovs were kept like rare zoo animals.

Step one was the local Red Guard committee. On paper, they answered to Trotsky. In reality, they were a collection of sullen drunks with rifles, suspicious of outsiders and jealously guarding their little Siberian fiefdom. Nominal revolutionaries. Actual extortionists.

Which, naturally, meant bribery.

I opened the chests — neat stacks of gold, vodka by the barrel, salted fish, even some contraband cigarettes. You could practically watch their proletarian rage dissolve into proletarian gratitude in real time. Five minutes earlier, their leader had been frowning at me like I'd pissed in his soup. Ten minutes later, he was practically begging to shine my boots. "Yes, comrade Makarov, sir, the Romanovs are in the mansion. Would you like us to fluff your pillows? Polish your bayonet? Massage your balls?"

Bribery. A tale as old as time. As old as prostitution, as old as monarchy, as old as bad taste. Sometimes I think about it the way I think about music: everyone pretends to have principles, but in the end, everyone just wants the same old chorus. Like Akina Nakamori's song Oh No, Oh Yes. You can pretend you're listening for the artistry, but let's be honest — it's just about mood and seduction. Same with bribery. No one cares about the ideology, just the rhythm of coins dropping in their hand.

Satisfied, we moved on.

The mansion loomed ahead — still impressive, though frost and poverty had made it less a palace and more a mausoleum with delusions of grandeur. I shed my black coat with its red armband, peeled off my bulletproof vest and helmet. Presentation mattered. Walk into a room armored and you look like a soldier. Walk in stripped down, smiling, and you look like a man in control.

I rapped on the heavy oak door. A servant answered — around my wife's age, a little fatter though, but pretty. Pretty in that provincial, doomed way.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Me?" I smiled, polite as a banker foreclosing on a widow. "I'm here to retrieve the Romanovs." My Russian always came out slightly Georgian, a rolling growl that made peasants nervous. "Mikheil Jugashvili. Commander of the Revolutionary Guard Corps. Dispatched with men from the new government to escort the family to Petrograd. Safer there. Within our reach." I tilted my head toward the street, where a dozen heavily armed guards stood in the snow like patient executioners. "I'd suggest you fetch them while I'm still playing nice." I pulled out my revolver and waved it around. That got the message.

Her lips quivered. She nodded, fled.

A few minutes later, I was ushered into the mansion's living room. It smelled of candle wax and faded dignity. And there they were, the living relics of a crumbling dynasty: Nicholas Romanov, looking like a man perpetually caught between constipation and revelation; Alexandra, gaunt but still clinging to her faded German hauteur; five pale, nervous children lined up like broken porcelain dolls; and even a little dog, a spaniel — absurd, ridiculous, and somehow the most regal creature in the room.

"Hello there," I said cheerfully, waving as though we were neighbors at a garden party. My boots squeaked on the parquet. A few of my men followed in, rifles casually slung, eyes scanning every corner.

"My name is Mikheil Jugashvili," I continued, my voice carrying the same false warmth as a host introducing a new track on late‑night radio. "I'm commander of the Revolutionary Guard Corps. I've been sent to escort you all back to Petrograd. You have 5 minutes to pack whatever you can carry." I clapped my hands. "Get to it."

They stared at me in silence. The tsar blinked, bewildered, like he still hadn't processed that the country no longer belonged to him. Alexandra clutched her rosary tighter. The children looked at me like I was some nightmare creature that had crawled out of the forest.

The dog wagged its tail.
 
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