My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

[Roarky]

Hey NekoNekoBoy , who's your favorite girl so far? I need to know because I'm a filthy shipper.

Click to shrink...

Though I am certainly not NekoNekoBoy, my favorite was always Lancelot. But that's because I am a foodie, so the thought of travelling the world with her, critiquing food everywhere we went delighted me.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Though I am certainly not NekoNekoBoy, my favorite was always Lancelot. But that's because I am a foodie, so the thought of travelling the world with her, critiquing food everywhere we went delighted me.

Click to shrink...

Next time on "Today's menu for Lancelot"....

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 32: Shenanigans

====

"Chen, Chen." Lancelot cheerfully walked up to me and showed a world map with a lot of red circles drawn into it. "Please look at this."

"What is it?" I asked, glancing at the map, "Did you rate the world's countries based on deliciousness of food?"

"Close, but not. It's my very own handmade 'eat 'till you drop' tour map!" She smiled. "I made it before coming to Zipang."

She pointed to a place on the island nation. "I'd like to eat some oden! It's Zipang's most famous food. If there's any delicious restaurant you know, please show me."

I stared at her before slowly pointing a finger at myself, "You're asking me. Literally the worst person to come to when it comes to food."

"Isn't that great? We can experience it for the first time together!"

"Oh no! You are not shoving food in my face for days again!"

====

"Come quick Chen!" Lancelot called out from further up the road. "I can't wait any longer for Zipang's oden!"

"How did you convince me." I stared flatly as I began to catch up to the girl, "Literally how."

I don't understand.

"Just when I was wondering what the problem is." Nobu shook her head. "She wants you to show her an oden spot..."

"Yeah why are you the one considered the best on food anyways?" I grumbled, crossing my arms, "Himiko maybe I can see but you?"

She actually sighed at that, while making an exhausted face. "Who do you think you're talking to...?"

"An old lad-"

"You weren't supposed to answer that Brat!" she roared, drawing the attention of everyone around us, "And how many times do I have to say it?! I'm not old! I only need to show you a place, right?"

"Oh so you don't want food?" I asked, sighing, "For shame Nobu. Just think, when is the next time you'll get to eat Oden with friends? Oh, wait."

"Another word, and I'll do something deserving arrest. I'll give myself amnesty afterwards." She half-growled, half-bragged. "Whatever! I'm getting a bit hungry myself anyways. "Lancelot, follow me! There is no food that way!"

And with that she began to walk away… In a complete different direction.

Mother fucker!

Moving on, Nobu lead the two of us to a restaurant in the vicinity, where she ordered a whole hot pot. A very, very large hot pot.

Like really, it was about the size of a goddamn pizza or something. And not those small boxes either, no we're talking a whole pizza. The kind of thing that you never actually eat for yourself. Which you know, is fair since she's with the two of us but- "Okay so we're sharing that right?'

"Of course: it's Lancelot, you know?" Nobu grinned. "Either way, she'll eat it in no time. It'd be annoying to have to keep calling the waitress over. Now she can have all the oden she wants."

And the girl in question was already eating it! "Should, should we time her?"

"Uwaah… There's so much oden! The hot pot is totally full!" Lancelot was beaming almost as hard as Arthur.

"Just eat quickly, but make sure to savor the taste. Take whatever you like." Nobu said to both of us while taking one of the biggest pieces.

"Alriiiiight!!"

"Christ you two are big eaters." I grumbled, taking some of the pot for my own. Hm, the taste is… "Eh, it's alright I guess."

Surprisingly enough Lancelot had yet to stuff her face full. Instead she was staring at me, a bit of drool escaping her mouth. "What's your favorite, Chen?"

"...My favorite what? Food?"

"Part of the oden."

"Oh, well I guess I don't have an opinion." I shrugged, "I'm not exactly a food kind of guy."

"Mmmhh… What about the eggs?" Without even waiting for an answer she began to fill my plate with eggs. "I read in a book that once the egg has absorbed enough broth for the yolk to change color, adding karashi mustard makes it really delicious!"

"Oi Oi! Don't just fill my plate with eggs!" I exclaimed before moving them to her plate, "You eat them!"

"Well, now I know I won't share the dry sakè with you two." Nobu nonchalantly drinked from a cup.

"Thank you for the food-waait! I'm thankful, really!, but have some eggs too." With great care she cut them in half and, using chopsticks, moved the eggs close to my face . "Here, I cut it in half for you. Eat up!"

"Noooope!" I exclaimed, moving my head back, "Let me eat what I want to eat!"

"But it's soooo good!"

"I will activate Operation nut hell! Don't you dare think I wouldn't!"

"Noooo! Not the nut hell!" She was quick to back away at that, her expression horrified.

I let out a deep sigh before relaxing back in my chair, "Well, now that that horrifying catastrophe has been averted, we should probably move on to a topic other than food."

"Hell not. I'm here to eat, talking is for those with their stomach full." Nobu waved a hand. "Eat something, can't you see Lancelot is waiting for you to eat first?"

The brown-haired girl was indeed staring at the pot with deep longing.

"...Seriously?" I raised an eyebrow, "For fucks sake- Lancelot devour."

She looked at the pot, at the eggs and then at my plate. Something seemed to click within her brain. "Thank you for the food!"

Her chopsticks became a blur, grabbing one piece of food and depositing it inside her mouth before going back to the pot. Her jaws were going up and down with mechanical precision, and the food seemed to out right vanish before my eyes. It was like looking into the abyss, a hungry hungry abyss that always seemed to want more.

Dear god what had I unleashed?

"Whoa! You're fast!" Nobu gaped. "Isn't that hot!?"

"Silly Nobu," I began as I stared at the sight in front of me, "The heat just makes it better."

"Says the one not actually eating it!"

====

Lancelot put down the second hot pot on the table with a satisfied smile. "One more, please!"

"Huh." I blinked before turning back to Nobu, "Another round?"

The pink-haired girl's eyes were unfocused. "How can someone so small eat so much...?"

"Anyways!" My head turned back to the Hungry-Hungry knight, "Since Nobu seems to have uncovered a horrific truth of the universe, I've been meaning to ask, what's Britannia like?"

All the cheerfulness was instantly drained from Lancelot's face, replaced with a flat stare. "Horrible."

"...Is Arthur like a really shitty queen or am I missing something?" I sighed, "Look if you don't want to talk about it…"

"Oh no, Queen Arthur is a fantastic monarch. But Britannia's food is bad. It's so bad they have yet to invent a word that properly describe how bad it is."

Britannia's food was- And then I started chuckling to myself, "Pfft oh yeah that's right! The Britain of my timeline invaded the world for all of their spices but than once they were done decided that they didn't like spice!"

"Spices would be nice…" Lancelot eyes turned empty. "Anything that doesn't taste like cardboard, or is oversalted…"

"Yeah Britain is like, really shit with their food." I waved my hand, "And also tea. They are obsessed with tea in my timeline dear god."

"Tea is good. It's the only ray of sunshine among the desolation of Britannia's food." Lancelot suddenly perked up. "I like mine with lot of sugar and milk!"

"I just like milk." I shrugged, "Sorry but no tea for me."

"I prefer sakè, tea has not enough kick for me." Nobu commented, having apparently recovered. "Anyway, do you really want more?"

"Yes pleaseeee! One more pot, with a lot of sauce on it!"

"Do you even have the money for that?!"

My body came to a halt as I suddenly realized something, "Um, guys? ...Who's paying?"

Lancelot keeped smiling in anticipation, while Nobu stealthy moved to face the door.

Oh.

Shit.

"Hey Lancelot?" I began before making a grab at Nobu in order to keep her down, "I don't think we have the money to afford another bowl!"

Her face returns to being emotionless. "Eeeeh..."

Nobu begins sweating.

"Alright so, since I'm assuming Lancelot didn't bring money I'm going to have to ask." I turned to face the pink haired women, "You do have money right?"

"....Look. If you keep her from eating more and add something on your own...I can pay. But no more than that."

"Got it." My hands reached out for my money bag before placing it on the table, "How much? And you better not cheat me or I'll… tie you up and throw you at the mercy of Himiko's tickle torture."

====

Upon our return from the epic meal the first people we met at the mansion were Shi, Sun and Lu. The Empress of Taika was, as always, coughing.

"Welcome back." Shi greeted us before going back to read a catalogue together with Lu. "I would like your opinion on something. Shin needs new medicines that actually work, so I was looking at the newest health products in the new Amasson catalog…"

"This looks good, right?" Lu pointed to something. "This rodeo machine, 'The Red Hare', is on sale"

"Rodeo machi- Holy shit Lu that is the worst thing you could offer as a health product are you insane?!" I shouted, snatching the catalog from Shi's hands, "You're more likely to break a bone than get better!"

"The new Amasson catalog? Let me see, let me see." Nobu grabbed one side of the magazine. "Ah! They're selling a new type of musket. Nice!"

"I agree, that looks too rigorous for Shi." Sun popped up between us. "Hmmm...there is something written here about medicine for perpetual youth from Huangshan."

"That's a fucking scam." My eyes scanned over the description, "Oh yeah, that's a major scam."

"I agree. Today there is no one that can prove the existence of such medicine. It's probably much better to head for Huangshan and find the mountain ascetics of legend ourselves!"

"No no no no no!" I yelled at the green haired women, crossing my arms in an x shape repeatedly, "Are you an idiot?!"

She crossed her arms and frowned. "Are you saying you don't want to help Shi feel better? I don't need your permission to go there."

"That's it, Lancelot help me push the both of these idiots out!" I quickly grabbed the smaller women and pushed away from us, "Shoo! Shoo!"

The small knight looked between a surprised Shi and Lu. "Who's Idiot Number 2?"

"Lu!"

Lancelot smiled brightly. "I refuse!"

"...Dammit I can't argue with that logic." I grumbled, "Alright, Lu? Shoo."

"Why are you against visiting Huangshan?" She asked. "Even if we don't find those ascetics, maybe mountain air will be good for Shi."

"I don't want-" She coughed. "I don't want to be a bother."

"You have never been a bother Shi." The redhead smiled.

"What she said!" Sun jerked out of my grip and glared at me.

Nobu was still reading the catalog, ignoring everything else.

"It's not that I'm against going to Huangshan, it's that you two are terrible at looking for medicine." I groaned, putting my palm to my face, "In the span of five minutes you two have suggested getting a dangerous machine and falling for a complete scam."

"You forget I declared myself against both." Sun nodded sagely. "That is why I suggested looking for the real thing. don't underestimate three thousands years of Taika medicine!"

I stared, silently recalling the time when Shi had mercury poisoning.

Mmm. Right. Three thousand years of Taika medicine. Uh huh.

"Oh come on." Nobu scoffed. "If they want to check a rumor why don't you let them? I doubt they will repeat the mistake of feeding their precious empress a shady medicine without testing it first."

Sun and Lu had the decency to blush.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Go with them to make sure, no?"

...I sighed, "Fiiiineeee. But I reserve the right to make fun of them when we find nothing."

====

A few days later we arrived at the bottom of Mount Huangshan. "The medicine we're seeking, it's here?" Lu asked.

"It's still a little early to say for sure, Lu." Sun replied. "It's only a rumor after all."

"Bu Shi will get better if she just drinks the medicine. You understand why I'd want to believe in a rumor like that, don't you?"

"It's a good thought sure," I nodded, "But people tend to take advantage of good thoughts like those."

"Oh, I have come prepared for that." She grinned while eyeing you and Lu. "Now, about the mountain ascetics. There's a number of witnesses who have seen them near the summit."

Shi coughed. "Please don't push yourself too hard…"

"Alright," My arms crossed my chest as I turned to the green haired women, "So what have you found out?"

"Nothing yet. We have to go to the summit and search anywhere someone might be able to hide."

"That's why we're here." Lu rolled her shoulder. Her other arm was still in a cast, but she was going to take it out soon. "Everyone follow me! Whether a dragon or a beast attacks, this Lu Bu will kick 'em around!"

====

It took like, three, four hours but we had finally made it up to the the summit of the mountain. There were no dragons or beast by the way. In fact the most hostile thing we found was literally just a rock Lu tripped over.

Of course there was one thing....

Shi isn't exactly what you'd call athletic, or even just physically fit and about half way through I had to put her arm over my shoulder and help her walk up the mountain.

Look! I'd feel bad if I just left her there or worse, let Lu carry her up the mountain!

Goddammit Lancelot! Why did you and Nobu have to leave me to hike up the mountain with these guys?!

"Sorry, I ended up being a burden to you..." Shi shyly looked down. The blush on her face never quite fade since I helped her.

"It's fine, I couldn't just leave you there you know?" I scratched my head, "Uh, give me a sec I have a follow up line somewhere."

"We haven't seen any dangerous animal, let alone an ascetic…" Lu complained.

"It was actually quite the healthy climb." Sun giggled. "And because of you, Lu, we haven't suffered any harm. So then, this is the summit." She looked around at the mostly barren landscape. "If the rumors are true, there should be an ascetic around here…"

As if summoned by those exact words an old woman appeared from the other side. "It's awfully noisy today." She complained loudly. "It's spoiling the scenery."

I glanced at the old woman before beginning to take several steps backwards.

You don't fuck with old people yo. My gut instinct tells me she's some sort of witch who'll curse us if we annoy her too much.

I want to be as far away from that kind of shenanigans!

"Mmh?" She finally noticed us. "Do you have business with me? Before climbing down, you should take the time to fully admire the scenery." She said while looking straight at me.

"Well not any business with you specifically. I think." I shrugged before pointing towards Sun, "They came here looking for something. I just followed along."

"Where is the medicine?!" Lu asked in a hurry.

"What are you talking about all of a sudden?" The old woman replied with a calm tone.

"She means the medicine for eternal youth. If you're the ascetic, you should know. Please tell us so we can save Shi!" Sun clarified.

"You young girls are awfully pushy, you know that?"

"P-Please excuse our sudden intrusion…" Shi stood on her own and approached the woman. "If you know anything about the medicine, would you please tell us…?"

"At least one of you is polite…" She huffed. "The medicine for eternal youth? Sorry but I don't have it. I am merely an apprentice ascetic, barely in her third decade of meditation."

"Guh!" Sun made a face of utter defeat and disappointment.

"Well, that was a waste of time…" Lu sighed.

I turned to face the green haired woman with the most smugges- Wait hold the phone, "Wait you mean the medicine exists but you don't have it?"

"It may exist, it may not. Certain secrets are no revealed to apprentices." She explained. "You should try visiting my master. He should be in the Taklamakan desert now. If you'll excuse me." She bowed and began to walk away.

"Ah. Thank you, miss…"

"Jing Ke, young lady." Were the woman's last words before moving out of sight.

"Well," I blinked, "That just happened."

Don't know why that name sounds familiar…

Eh, chinese names all sound the same.

"I thought we'd be able to let Shi drink it right away…" Lu complained. "I should have hurried here first by myself."

"Oi oi did you two not learn your lesson on shady medicines?!" I complained, "You have to test it on something to make sure it works! Otherwise we'll just have another mercury incident on our hands and I don't want Shi to go through another surgery again!"

"Chen is right, even if there are only a few drops in existence we should test them first." Sun said. "But now we know where to find a master ascetic. We'll definitely find Shi's medicine next time. Now that we're finished here, let's head back quickly."

"Uhm…" Shi began to fidget. "Can we stay here for a short time? The view is so beautiful…"

"Sure we can catch a break here." I nodded, "Should've brought some food with me…."

"I guess it can't be helped." Sun looked at me with a strange glint in her eyes as she said that. "Shi and Chen can enjoy the beautiful scenery together while Lu and I make sure there are no dangers coming."

"I know exactly what that look in your eyes means woman!" I shouted back, "Your next thought is 'Ah, Shi is finally becoming a woman.'"

"I'm glad we're on the same page! Just tell us if we're in the way Shi, and we'll leave you alone."

"T-That's…" Shi blushed. "You're just making fun of me…"

"She grabbed on him when she tripped too." Lu nodded sagely.

"H-Hey…" She coughed. "I really tripped. Y-You two are misunderstanding me...He just helped me and-"

She spat out blood.

"...I'm bleeding." Were her last words before collapsing.

"Shi? Shi?!" Oh god oh god oh god, "Help me find some place to let her rest!"

"Shi! Hang on!" Sun began to panic. "We'll take you to a doctor as soon as possible!"

Eventually Shi recovered and we returned home, but the doctors banned any further hiking for the foreseeable future. *

===

Notes:

Looks up Jing Ke

Chen: Well shit.
Alex: Maybe I was just fishing around for chinese names and this is a coincidence?
Chen: My ass you were!

 

[Winged One]

*also looks up Jing Ke*

...is that the same asshole that sold that fucking mercury elixer?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

"She grabbed on him when she tripped too." Lu nodded sagely.

Click to shrink...

Funny story: When Alex first wrote this line, he had a typo. Now this would be fine...

If the mistake wasn't typing Tripped as Stripped.

Needless to say I was very confused as to when Shi got naked.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 33: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

====

"So Oni-san, our next target is Mongolia, right?"

"Blrrgggg…"

"He says yes." Yoshi translated from my side, "I have asked Sun Tzu and Qin Shi Huang for information about Mongolia, since it's their neighbor, and prepared an explanation."

She picked up the first paper of a small pile, gave it a cursory glance and nodded before putting it back. "Mongolia is under the control of the Great Khan Kublai Khan-"

"Wait the Great Kahn Kubai what?" I blinked, pulling my head up from the table, "That be the Kahn family?"

"Not exactly. Khan is their term for 'king' or 'ruler', while Great Khan is someone who hold the alliance of all other Khan, like an emperor." Yoshi explained. "When someone become a Khan they take it as their surname, as proof of their authority."

"Huh." Remembering my timeline… "Well that explains why they pulled a Rome in my timeline."

Nobu raised an eyebrow. "What exactly does 'pulling a Rome' even mean?"

"Well I mean, back in my timeline at least, most people have at least vaguely heard of the Mongols because these are the guys who conquered most of Asia if I recall." I waved my hands a bit, "Of course, when I say pulling a Rome I mean that they eventually grew too big that they couldn't hold themselves together, ended up with a succession crisis or something, and than promptly broke in on itself."

"Wait, are you saying bigger isn't always better?" Himiko asked with honest confusion.

Everyone looked at her with a blank stare.

I swiveled back to the meeting room, "Right, let's all pretend Himiko doesn't exist for the rest of this meeting."

And then it hit me.

"Wait was that an innuendo?"

"Apparently." Yoshi sighed, Nobu cackled, Himiko blushed and BenBen didn't get it. "Moving on, Mongolia is evenly matched in strength with their neighboring countries. This is due to two factors: the land itself is mostly made up of large plains, and their great focus on cavalry. It is said there are no better horses than the Mongolian ones, and this gives them unparalleled mobility. In fact it appears they don't settle in one place, but rather migrate at fixed intervals."

"Yeah if I remember correctly Mongolia was originally a bunch of migrating tribes that just so happened to get united than a country straight from the get go." I nodded, "Also I vaguely recall something about the Mongols actually being ahead of their time when it comes to military commanders and stuff but I don't know if that's applicable here."

"Well it seems Kublai is beloved by her people, just as much as Qin Shi Huang is beloved by her subjects." Yoshi nodded. "I don't know much about the quality of their military commanders, they have not go to war since the time of their unification a few generations ago, but it would not do to underestimate them. Mobility is their strong point, so to avoid being overwhelmed we have to remain calm and composed."

"Right," I nodded, "Himiko you can leave now. Nobu as well."

"Hey!" They both shouted.

"I haven't finished." Yoshi informed everyone with a raised tone. "Mongols also have a long-standing archery tradition, especially when riding horses. That will require we develop new strategies to counter it, since we never had to deal with archers that can move around so fast." She looked through the pile of papers again and pulled out one near the bottom. "One final thing: it seems that, recently, they've made a new ally. The intelligence is scarce, though, so we're not sure what kind of person they are…"

"Well if the pattern holds than they're probably bad news." Yeah, hm….

"I'll have Tadataka confirm it." She put back the paper. "This is the end of our current intelligence regarding Mongolia. Now we need to send a declaration of war and wait for the reply."

"Bleh."

====

"Hey Himiko," I began as we walked through the streets, "When was the last time we actually went somewhere together with just the two of us?"

"It was...uhm...maybe...no...then when?" Himiko looked so focused I could almost see steam escaping her ears. "Too long, that's what! It's wonderful than our dream of world conquest is becoming a reality, but it eats all of our free time!" She fumed before smiling again. "We should make sure to enjoy those rare times. Is there anything you need, Oni-san?"

"Er, not that I can think of…" Hm, "What about you?"

"Uhm…"

"Rare items for sale!" A cheerful voice suddenly shouted. "Available nowhere else in the world! Premium, world-class, especially rare items for sale!"

"Rare items?! Premium!?" Himiko basically teleported to the stand where the voice came from.

"Aw shit- Himiko!" I yelled, rushing to get to her side before she did something stupid. I had to blink though when I saw who was manning the stand.

She had uh, green hair, a bright red short skirt, yellow stockings, and generally looked like she was thrown inside of a Macy's and just came out with whatever someone threw at her.

"Each and every item here is a rarity you won't see elsewhere." She boasted while holding up a vase. "Those kinds of beauties are only available here and now!"

"Ooooh!" Himiko's eyes were sparkling. "How much?"

"The prices, of course, are also premium. But they're definitely worth it. Like this mirror from Europe." She handed out a hand-held mirror to Himiko before turning to me with a smile. "Ah, that gentleman there. Does any of my wares interest you?"

"Hm…" I looked at the table, "Question: What makes your items premium?"

"Everything is master-crafted, and many of them are unique. Like this one." With some difficulty she lifted what looked like a greatly decorated block of metal, a red gem in the middle, and put it on the stand. "This belonged to a famous mage who could predict the future. It is said that, if you closely look into the gem, you will see a vision of your immediate future. Why do you not try it?"

"Mm…" There's no way you could predict the future that easily… "Ah, I just have a few questions first Miss…."

She smiled. "Marco Polo."

PFFT!

"Marco Polo?!" I yelled, reeling back. "As in the explorer?!"

"Oh, you have heard of me?" For some reason her smile looked...strained? "Going around the world is my hobby. An expensive one, that's why every now and then I sell some of the things I acquired in my travels."

Mmm…

Traveling around the world.

Expensive.

Money.

Cardboard Box.

Tama.

"So, you're doing this gig because you need the money?" I asked, looking at the thing much more interested. "Where'd you even get this from anyways?"

Hm just a little- MOVE

"FUCKING HELL!" I yelled instinctively as I moved to the side, I glanced back at the knife with the words 'Chen Miyafuji's Back' on it.

And of course my would be assassin was…

"I'm sorry did you seriously just try that in broad daylight?" I asked, voice a bit shaky. God that was close, "No really. Here. In the middle of a street. What made you think that was a good idea?"

Himiko screamed.

"Che!" She looked at me with utter loathing and disappointment before bolting in the opposite direction.

Aw shit uh…

I pointed to her and yelled to everybody on the street who was now looking at us, "Grab her!"

Many people still looked too shocked to move, but a few followed my command and ran after the girl. I of course also joined the chase, moving my body as fast as I could.

Come on…

Aw crap she's gone.

====

"An assassin?!" Yoshi immediately began to check Himiko's body. "Are you hurt? Did it scratch you? Are you feeling unwell-"

I coughed, "Um, Yoshi. I'm the one who got attacked. Not Himiko."

"I am not worried about you. I know you've survived worse." is her quick reply.

"I feel like I should be insulted."

"Yoshitsune!" Himiko whined. "I am fine! Really! We should worry about Oni-san! That horrible, horrible woman almost, almost…"

"Look to the bright side. When assassins try to kill you it's a sign you're going far in life." Nobu tried to lighten the mood. "So, what happened exactly? Can you describe your assailant?"

"Marco Polo. I still can't believe Marco Polo of all people tried to assassinate me." I sighed, "Uh, long story short famous explorer, has bright green hair for some reason, tried to stab me in the back with a knife. The knife had my name on it, specifically 'Chen Miyafuji Back' written on it so it might've either been cursed or something. Maybe homing magic? I dunno, it clearly failed as I moved out of the way in time. She bailed after that- Wait does anyone know if she left her stuff behind? They might actually be sellable, if they aren't all duds."

"I'll check it later. I'm an expert in rare stuff." Nobu boasted. "Marco Polo, uh? It sounds European, and I swear I heard it somewhere before…"

"Oh yeah, it's european. No idea why she's out here in asia but like I said, Marco Polo's a famous explorer. She goes around the world on expeditions and stuff so you might've heard of her from one of those."

"I'm back! Good news everyone, I discovered the identity of the Mongols' new ally!" Tama entered the room.

"Marco Polo!" I yelled at her.

"Wow! You already knew? As expected of the Commander!" She looked clearly impressed. "It seems she was a famous spy for the EU, but one day she defected to Mongolia. The rumors say she's very very adept at assassination, and that she has the odd habit of killing her targets with a knife upon which she carved the name of the victim, especially the stabbed body part."

"A very adept assassin huh…" I put my hand to my chin and closed my eyes, the memory flowing back to me. I shivered before continuing, "Er, I mean she tried it in the middle of the street, in broad daylight as well, mmm…"

Now that I think about it, I wonder what that smile was about. A guilty conscious or annoyance at being known…

"Excuse me." A soldier announced. "There are two letters: one from Mongolia, and another from an unidentified sender."

"Let me see the one from Mongolia." Yoshi took the letter and opened it. "Uhm...Yes, it's the response to our declaration of war. Kublai Khan accepts the challenge, saying she waits for us on the plains of Xanadu." She hummed. "Clever. The plains are the perfect battlefield to use their famed cavalry."

Fucking Mongols and horses.

"Give me the other-no, wait." Nobu frowned. "After what happened this is suspicious. Call Seimei, I want her to check the letter for curses or whatnot."

I glanced at the pink haired woman, staring at her. "The fact that we thought the same thing scares me."

"Congratulations." She grinned. "Maybe you have hope to develop a brain after all."

"And maybe you have a- Aw shit I can't think of a good comeback."

Nobu grinned.

I was going to need practice to take revenge for this humiliating defeat.

Ten minutes later Sei finished her tests. "It's clear." She held out the letter to me after she had one of her Shikigami open it, smirking mischievously. "If someone studied outside of class you'd know that before I got here."

I flinched, "Ahahaha… Let's look at that letter!"

There were only two words: 'Next time'. Written in what suspiciously looked like blood.

"...Yeesh. Talk about killing two birds with one stone for the horror movie cliches. Who does she think she is, the villain in a slasher fic?"

"You survived. Some professional assassins see it as a stain upon their reputation." Nobu mused.

"Great now I'm going to have to put up with some final destination shit…" I sighed, "Okay is there anything else we should know about?"

"We obviously need to increase security. No one should be alone at any given time, so you must move around either in group or with some guards." Yoshi nodded. "Tama, I want you to track down this Marco Polo: if assassination is not possible, she may try to sabotage our advance in other ways."

"As you wish Yoshitsune-dono!" She made a military salute. "Permission to increase the ninja squad?"

"Granted."

====

You know what sucks?

Being in school.

"Mongols' success in battle depend on several factors, which combine to make them an extremely effective force." Sun explained as she tapped a stick on a blackboard, the picture of an mounted archer drawn on it. "Can anyone guess them?"

Uh…

"Formation? Mobility? A good chain of command? Effective communication?" I guessed.

I dunno. I didn't even really know how I got here besides that Sun Tzu apparently decided that I was way too pathetic to go against the Mongols by myself and declared that she would give me a proper grasp of tactics 'Even if she had to beat it into my head'.

I may have paraphrased that a bit but you get the point.

"What Oni-san said." Himiko nodded. "And a lot of soldiers too, I guess."

"Uhm...I would say good logistics are also a factor." Shi added.

"Obviously they have a lot of strong fighters!" Lu put a fist into her palm, relishing her finally healed arm.

"The heavens favor the pious and the just." Ashoka put her palms together.

"Right, wrong, right, I guess so and that's debatable." Sun replied. "Now, this is all info collected from the time Mongols last waged war but it should still be valid. Tactically, Mongol mounted archers are deadly in battle: their horses allow them to stay out of reach of the enemy, while their composite bows can rain down accurate fire. When the enemy army is disorganized and broken up by the losses from the archery fire, the heavy cavalry charge in with lance and sword to finish the job. They are also extremely well-organized and disciplined: a Mongol general can rely on his troops to carry out complex plans involving encirclements, flanking maneuvers, and feigned retreats. On the strategic level, the Mongols are extremely mobile: soldiers have three or four horses each, allowing them to keep up a sustained movement rate far faster than an army traveling on foot, or even with a limited number of horses, could achieve. The Mongols are also used to living off the land, so they are not tied to a slow-moving supply train. Finally, they also recruit skilled people from other nations to cover their weak points, like building siege engines."

Sun cleaned the blackboard and drew an interrogative point. "Now, how do we counter all of this?" She asked while looking straight at me.

Um.

Um….

Honestly I didn't get half of that. Just gonna guess.

"Slow them down?"

"Yes." She nodded. "How?"

Ahahaha… Um, let's see…

Part of their big advantage in combat is their mobility which is granted to them by their horses but they also aren't restrained by slow supply lines due to living off the land but at the same time their horses also need to eat, especially since every soldier has three or four horses so a twenty man squad would have about uh, 3 times 20 is… 60 horses at the minimum so I guess you'd want to… "Force them into a surrounding area that makes their horses a liability?"

"Good! Very good!" She praised me with a smile. "The most obvious method is to use the terrain to your advantage. The Mongol army is best suited to the steppes, where there is plenty of grass for their horses to graze on and wide, open spaces for them to carry out the broad outflanking moves they excelled at. In deserts, jungles, mountains, or thick forests, their mobility would be limited, their horses would suffer, and they could be tied down to a fixed point and defeated. Of course, since we're going to fight them in their territories that is a bit difficult to achieve…" She mumbled before perking up. "The basic tactics are to shoot at inferior archers, charge at superior archers and keep your flanks protected. Our army should consist of at least two lines so any enemy who attempt to envelop the first line will get trapped between the two, and if they attempt to envelop both lines they will overstretch their own. The first line should consist of foot archers and gunners to shoot at the lightly armoured mounted archers, and once they have been consumed enough and their ranks thinned, the second line should then charge-"

She continued on and on, talking about different things like pikes, shields and even forced horse pregnancy. What?

…"I could still remember when I met him for the first time. The boy in the rain who would one day be king."...

...The knight in black and red held up a crystal white blade, glistening in the moonlight. "I swear to you this Lancelot, this time Camalot will fall!"...

…"The Blade of Arthur Pendragon will be mine! As the 455th iteration, I will wield Caliburn for the sake of my love-"

"Woah!" I yelled, moving to the side as Sun's stick attempted to whack me on the head.

"Pay attention." She chided me, "This will all be on the test."

"There's a test?!"

"There is always a test." Shi and Lu nodded.

"But what if what you do before the test is the real test?" I paused as Sun looked at me, "...Himiko said it not me."

"I didn't!" Said girl protested.

I scrambled to move as Sun tried to whack me with her stick again.

Yeesh! Guess I shouldn't daydream in class.

====

Notes:

Chen: I think that's the first time I ever pulled out that military strategist thing on demand.

Alex: You may have an unexpected talent in this. Maybe you have a Chinese general as an ancestor?

Chen: ...I hate to say it but knowing my family's history that's actually fucking possible.

 

[Ricrod]

You know what sucks?

Being in school.

Click to shrink...

Not even in another world Chen can escape the chains of education.

Also, does Chen gets paid for his job? Or he just get by with candy?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Not even in another world Chen can escape the chains of education.

Also, does Chen gets paid for his job? Or he just get just up with candy?

Click to shrink...

I blow all my allowance on Brigade stuff.

So half my money goes to Lancelot and Himiko's stomach.

 

[EvaUnit01]

Being Chen is suffering, eh?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Being Chen is suffering, eh?

Click to shrink...

Eiyuu Senki is suffering.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

"So, you're doing this gig because you need the money?" I asked, looking at the thing much more interested. "Where'd you even get this from anyways?"

Hm just a little- MOVE

"FUCKING HELL!" I yelled instinctively as I moved to the side, I glanced back at the knife with the words 'Chen Miyafuji's Back' on it.

And of course my would be assassin was…

"I'm sorry did you seriously just try that in broad daylight?" I asked, voice a bit shaky. God that was close, "No really. Here. In the middle of a street. What made you think that was a good idea?"

Click to shrink...

On one hand. That introduction. On the other hand, why broad daylight? On a mutant third hand, a little disappointed she didn't just roll with it to fish/gather information - Chen outright called her a famous explorer, not a famous assassin cum spy.

(Also, yes, she is an ASSassin. I dunno why, but I kinda have some fondness for her.)

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

On one hand. That introduction. On the other hand, why broad daylight? On a mutant third hand, a little disappointed she didn't just roll with it to fish/gather information - Chen outright called her a famous explorer, not a famous assassin cum spy.

Click to shrink...

Wait that didn't happen in canon?

Uh, huh.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Wait that didn't happen in canon?

Uh, huh.

Click to shrink...

Um, I said nothing about it not happening or happening in canon. Seriously. pls. Before Alexander kills me for spoilling or giving a false impression. My memories of the game are vague at best right now.

Spoiler: SPOILERS

For reference, what I remembered of canon was that she went undetected all the way until Tama sniffs her out. (Hillariously, Nobu takes a look at the wares and figures out they are all fakes, before dragging Marco to check out her real collection)

Guess Chen basically forced her out the moment he recognized her and blew her cover, so she decided to assassinate Chen now instead of just getting information. (Seriously though, once she joins she's just as good at gathering info as Tama, with more emphasis on personal operations.)

Well, and also domestic intelligence and examinations, for some reason. Girl's willing to do stuff like diving into the water just like that and checking the water-based infrastructure the moment she feels that there is some structural damage. (Yes, her Venetian heritage does come up for some parts of the story where relevant)

Yes, she left an impression alright.

EDIT: Also, it just clicked that she's kinda like Ooi to Kublai's Kitakami (Kancolle reference ahoy~), considering the only way to really romance Marco is if you romance Kublai too. (and getting their threesome H-scene)

 

[Kerfirou]

Also, does Chen gets paid for his job? Or he just get by with candy?

Click to shrink...

Well, cannonically speaking, he does get paid in pussies.

Does that count?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Well, cannonically speaking, he does get paid in pussies.

Does that count?

Click to shrink...

Nah man you're thinking of blank slate McGee Japanese insert edition (<== Doesn't actually know his characterization)

Chen's the only cat around here yo.

 

[Kerfirou]

Nah man you're thinking of blank slate McGee Japanese insert edition (<== Doesn't actually know his characterization)

Chen's the only cat around here yo.

Click to shrink...

Not saying the cats can't get some fun with pussies.

This is QQ after all.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Not saying the cats can't get some fun with pussies.

This is QQ after all.

Click to shrink...

Isekai-Stress Dating Sim Edition:

Himiko Route:

"Wah! Onii-san!"

"The cookies are mine Himiko!"

Yoshi Route:

"..."

"..."

"...How much money do we have left again?"

"SHIT!"

BenBen Route:

"Chen-ny! What's romance?"

"Deep questions BenBen. The answer is 42."

Public Service Announcement: "She's like, twelve man."

Lancelot Route:

[FOOD INHALING INTENSIFIES]

Shi Route:

*Lu and Sun keep cheering in the background*

"U-Um, should I tell them?"

"Shi if they don't figure out that they took something wildly out of context again soon then I can guarantee that things are going to get messy."

 

[Kerfirou]

Public Service Announcement: "She's like, twelve man."

Click to shrink...

But that's the main reason, Tommy!

 

[Ricrod]

"Shi if they don't figure out that they took something wildly out of context again soon then I can guarantee that things are going to get messy."

Click to shrink...

Ah, dense like a harem protagonist, I see.

Also funny that you considered Yoshi but not Nobu or Lu or Sun.

 

[Alexander]

Um, I said nothing about it not happening or happening in canon. Seriously. pls. Before Alexander kills me for spoilling or giving a false impression. My memories of the game are vague at best right now.

Spoiler: SPOILERS

For reference, what I remembered of canon was that she went undetected all the way until Tama sniffs her out. (Hillariously, Nobu takes a look at the wares and figures out they are all fakes, before dragging Marco to check out her real collection)

Guess Chen basically forced her out the moment he recognized her and blew her cover, so she decided to assassinate Chen now instead of just getting information. (Seriously though, once she joins she's just as good at gathering info as Tama, with more emphasis on personal operations.)

Well, and also domestic intelligence and examinations, for some reason. Girl's willing to do stuff like diving into the water just like that and checking the water-based infrastructure the moment she feels that there is some structural damage. (Yes, her Venetian heritage does come up for some parts of the story where relevant)

Yes, she left an impression alright.

EDIT: Also, it just clicked that she's kinda like Ooi to Kublai's Kitakami (Kancolle reference ahoy~), considering the only way to really romance Marco is if you romance Kublai too. (and getting their threesome H-scene)

Click to shrink...

Spoiler

Nah, the main reason is that Chen conquered Taika and India first before going after Mongolia. Unlike the game here he gathered one hell of a reputation, and Marco (reluctantly) doubts Kublai can stand against so many Heroes. So she decided the best option was to remove the linchpin: Chen.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Also funny that you considered Yoshi but not Nobu or Lu or Sun.

Click to shrink...

Alright, hands up, how many people want more?

 

[EvaUnit01]

Alright, hands up, how many people want more?

Click to shrink...

<raises hand>

 

[Dementrus]

Alright, hands up, how many people want more?

Click to shrink...

<hand up>

 

[Tobi]

<hand up>
​

 

[TimelordLucario]

<hand up>

 

[Backlash177]

<raises hand>

 

[Malorius]

This story needs character pictures. Severely.

Silly Alex, sexy waifubaits are 90% of enjoyment in such stories!

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Silly Alex, sexy waifubaits are 90% of enjoyment in such stories!

Click to shrink...

I'mma need context for this.

 

[EvaUnit01]

This story needs character pictures. Severely.

Silly Alex, sexy waifubaits are 90% of enjoyment in such stories!

Click to shrink...

Eh,

Spoiler: not for neko

Hercules

and maybe Yoshitsune are the only ones really noteworthy/impressive IMO.

 

[Malorius]

I'mma need context for this.

Click to shrink...

...It's QQ. => All female characters are waifus. No exceptions. => Char pictures make waifus more appealing. => More reader interest in the story.

There. Prove me wrong, I dare you!