[Naruto] And then suddenly, Ninjas!

While I'm working on various porn things, I cleaned this up and even began work on the next arc. Enjoy.


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Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the last man standing. Let the battle begin.


And then suddenly, Ninjas!
Thousands of them


The Third Hokage has a problem, and it’s your face.


[Some Manner of Prologue]


Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage, had himself a problem. His successor and the current Hokage, Minato Namikaze, had died a horrible death along with his beautiful wife, leaving behind their newborn son who was now the container of the most violent and terrifying of the tailed beasts… which also just trashed half his village into dust.

The dying wish of his student’s student had been to treat Naruto like a hero, but Sarutobi was a bit of a realist, he knew that if Naruto was going to grow up alone and parent less he was going to suffer quite a bit before coming to his own as a Ninja–especially since he was the Fox’s container. Sarutobi had nothing but respect for Minato, even more after tonight, and to see that fate befall his son didn’t set well with him.

Staring down at the wailing boy lying in the basket beneath his parents’ cooling corpses, Sarutobi realized that he had to make a call that would most likely doom him, Konoha, and the entirety of the Elemental Countries. He looked back to the two ninja who came with him and cleared his throat. “Well! It looks like the Nine-Tailed Fox is dead.”

The two ninja stared at the former Hokage. “Sir, it’s not dead, the Fourth sealed it into his son.”

“No…” Sarutobi said. “…The fox is dead.”

“How can it be dead? We saw it get pulled into the boy! In fact, you made quite a big deal about it,” the ninja who had previously spoken argued. The second ninja immediately saw the look on Sarutobi’s face and decided to offer no comment. He could see where this was going.

“No. The fox is dead. The Fourth killed it. That is all.” Sarutobi’s emphasis should have been enough, but the cannon fodder couldn’t–and wouldn’t–keep his mouth shut.

“Sarutobi-sama, I understand you’re getting old, but now’s not the time to go senile! We have to tell the council that-”

The insistent ninja became a pincushion for a dozen kunai before Sarutobi smashed Enma through his skull. That done, he set the corpse on fire.

The second ninja stared down at the burning body and then looked over to Sarutobi. Looking back down at the body, he cleared his throat. “Well! It looks like the Nine-Tailed Fox is dead.”

“Quite,” Sarutobi said, “What a tragedy that we had to lose the Hokage and his wife.”

“And that guy,” The second ninja added.

“Yes, they were the last victims of the Fox.”

“Indeed, Sarutobi-sama.”

Well, that took care of that problem. Now to somehow fool the rest of Konoha into thinking that the Fox was dead and not sealed into this boy, whom he could very well not reveal the identity of for fear of reprisal from everyone who hated and slash or feared the late Hokage. Since he and this guy were the only witnesses (though Sarutobi would soon rectify that) the fox’s fate was tightly sealed up.

His only real troubles were the Uchiha and the Hyuuga, who’d literally be able to see through the lie after one look at the boy. He needed to get them on his side, perhaps restoring a bit of the Uchiha’s former glory would change that in exchange for their silence and assistance. The Hyuuga, well… perhaps marrying the boy off to that daughter Hiashi was expecting would win them that silence. Yes… that’d work out just fine.

Picking up the basket, Sarutobi looked at the crying boy and smiled. “Naruto, you’re going to be a fine man one day, I’ll see to it.”

No matter how many people Sarutobi had to murder or manipulate in order to see it done.


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Sorry, no lewds here, just ribaldry.

 

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the last man standing. Let the battle begin.


And then suddenly, Ninjas!
The Completely Underwhelming Naruto Uzumaki


What, do you expect him to be awesome? Silly reader…


[1.]


Some people are born winners and everyone else has to work for it–that is the distinction between a genius and normal people. Itachi Uchiha was a genius, graduating from the Ninja Academy before most kids were done with bed-wetting (Itachi himself didn’t stop until after he learned the Sharingan). He became a Chunin at age ten and at thirteen joined the ANBU cannon fodder squad, serving with distinction as one who managed to not die when the situation called for an idiotic death.

Then there was his brother, Sasuke Uchiha, kind of a late bloomer by Uchiha standards, nevertheless he mastered the Great Fireball Jutsu by age eight, graduated the Academy a year ago, and according to the rumor mill was well on his way to the Rank of Chunin with the upcoming exam. His family was quite proud of him, and he was the subject of many crushes from girls still trapped and languishing in the academy.

Speaking the ladies there was the immensely cool-headed and direct Hinata Hyuuga… who wasn’t merely the number one girl; she was the top of the class, period. Like Sasuke she was a late bloomer in her highly influential and powerful clan and it was her first year and she was well on her way to graduating on her first go.

Also like Sasuke, she was following behind another family genius: the equally cool and serious Neji Hyuuga. Neji either had a chip on his shoulder or a broom up his ass according to those who had to suffer going to school with him. No one really knew why, though, being a genius he was prudent to not bitch about his life story at every convenience.

These were the people who learned everything with little difficulty, never had to train too hard, and generally coasted through their schools and succeeded at everything they attempted. They were also resented by everyone who had to actually put in the work and still failed miserably.

Meet Naruto Uzumaki: he has failed the final exam two times despite having respectable marks across the board, the favor of his teachers, and being the personal ward of the Hokage himself.

“Clone Jutsu!” the bespectacled blonde commanded, resulting in a blast of smoke that left a mostly lifeless husk of a clone lying on the floor, softly pleading for death.

The horrified silence that followed was broken when a girl in the back of the class screamed in horror and fainted.

Sitting at his desk, teacher Iruka Umino stamped a paper. “Fail.”

The orange outfit wearing youth, his blue eyes wide behind a pair of spectacles he wore, cried out pleadingly to Iruka. “Give me another chance, please!”

Iruka sighed. He felt truly sorry for the boy, he really did. “I’ve already given you three chances. Your clones look so bad they’re traumatizing your classmates.”

“I can get it to work, honest!” Naruto prepared to perform another jutsu. “Just let me-!”

Ino called from the back of the room. “I swear Naruto, if you make one more clone I will loose my lunch all over the floor.”

From the seat next to her, Sakura quipped in. “Give him another chance, sensei”

Ino popped Sakura in the side of the head, Sakura swiftly hit back, and the two got into it, pulling each other’s hair and cracking obscenities at each other. As Iruka got up to break up the fight, Naruto let out a frustrated huff and walked back to his seat. Another failure, he was becoming increasingly annoyed by his inability to perform the most basic of jutsu.

“Come on Iruka,” Mizuki-sensei, the other proctor overseeing the test, called over to Iruka as he held Sakura and Ino apart, “What do you say we give the kid a pass, just this once?”

Naruto brightened at that

“No, he has to create a useful clone,” Iruka replied.

Naruto dimmed.

Ino kicked Sakura in the shin, and was punched in the face. As Iruka attempted to continue holding them apart, Naruto pulled off his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration. When he was younger, he had worn goggles because they were cool, but long nights of reading had led to him purchasing some proper reading glasses to better decipher the chicken scratch the Hokage was prone to write in his scrolls. A compliment from Sakura about how he looked in them kept them on his head, while the goggles were handed down to the Hokage’s grandson, Konohamaru–they looked better on him anyway.

Next to Naruto, Hinata Hyuuga regarded him with a mixture of pity and respect. Naruto was dedicated and always striving to succeed, easily the hardest working student in the class… so it always brought her sadness to see him fail these tests. “Naruto-san, would you like if we got ramen after this?”

Hearing the offer, Naruto looked to Hinata and cheered up a little. “Are you paying?”

“Yes,” Hinata replied. That cheered Naruto up, Hinata was always so calm and tranquil, and it made her his favorite studying partner–well, after Sakura but Sakura was Sakura and that entailed being amazing. Speaking of, she managed to lay out Ino with a hay maker.

“Don’t start what you can’t finish, you sow!” Sakura boasted.

“Boom…” Ino threw a book at Sakura’s forehead. “… Forehead shot.”

Iruka sighed as Sakura crumpled to the ground.


At Ichiraku Ramen later that day, Naruto sighed as he slurped up the top quality ramen served to him by Ayame and her father. Next to him, Hinata was equally loud in her consumption, before she set down her bowl and turned to Naruto. “Don’t let your failure discourage you, Naruto-san. You can always take the test next time.”

“I thought I was ready this time,” Naruto said through a mouthful of noodles.

“Frankly, you weren’t. Your clones are terrible.”

Hearing Hinata blunt as she was, Ayame wondered if she understood the concept of tact. Naruto took it firmly in stride however, and Ayame chose not to speak up.

“I know they are!” He ran his fingers through his shaggy blonde hair, before resting his elbows on the counter. “How am I supposed to become Hokage, if I can’t become a Genin?”

“You could always kill the Hokage. I believe that is a legitimate way to take the position.” Hinata received a flat look from Naruto. “Right… you don’t want to cramp on Konohamaru’s style.”

Frankly, the prospect of trying to kill The Professor for his spot was about the same as calling Sakura fat to her face and then slapping her backside “to watch it jiggle.” Naruto would much rather take the position without a fight from the old man. “I know one thing, there’s no way I’m giving up.”

Hinata gave a small smile that she quickly covered with a paper fan bearing the Konoha Symbol. “We’ll figure it all out one way or another. You’ll definitely pass next time.”

Pounding fist into palm, Naruto grinned. He leaped from his stool and called up to the heavens. “You bet! Just you watch! I, Naruto Uzumaki will be the greatest Hokage Konoha has ever seen, period! You’re going to have to knock down the entire face of the Hokage Wall and use every pebble to build a statue of me!”

The people on the street around the ramen stand paid no mind to Naruto’s boast, or so it seemed until a voice called out. “Yo! You, with the blonde hair! Shut the fuck up!”

Naruto blinked, and then sat back down, grumbling. “Every time…”

Hinata opened the fan to hide her face again, and then noticed the arrival of Mizuki. “Good evening, Mizuki-sensei.”

Mizuki smiled to the two students before he sat down with them. “Hello Naruto, I’m sorry about your test.”

As Mizuki spoke, Naruto drained the bowl of broth before setting it down. “Don’t worry, Mizuki-sensei. I’ll just take the test next time and pass for sure! Fourth time’s the charm, right?”

Mizuki pretended to be all smiles with Naruto, but the white haired pretty-boy would like nothing more than to get rid of him forever. It was, after all, why he chose him to be the patsy for his gambit. He may have been the Hokage’s ward, but he was still dumb as a brick.

“Say Naruto, I wanted to talk about the possibility of a retest,” Mizuki said, causing Naruto to stop and grin.

“See? Good fortune comes to those who deserve it,” Hinata said from behind her fan.

Naruto excitedly got up from his stool again. “Do you mean it Mizuki-sensei?! What do I have to do to pass the test?! Tell me! Tell me!”

“Well, it’s an old Konoha secret and will require a lot of hard work, but if you’re willing to go that extra distance. Come meet me back at the school at sundown, okay?” Mizuki asked as he ruffled up Naruto’s hair.

Beaming, Naruto nodded. “I am the master of hard work, Mizuki-sensei! Just you watch I’ll pass your retest!”

Mizuki wished he could punch Naruto in the mouth. “Good, have a nice rest of the day with your girlfriend.”

Naruto almost reflexively responded. “Hinata’s not my girlfriend.”

Hinata held her fan up a little higher to hide the blush on her cheeks.


Lying in his bed, tired from a long day’s work, Iruka was mulling over his decision to fail Naruto again. He was a good kid, he really was, but giving the kid a shortcut was just out of the question. Even Rock Lee could manage a single proper Clone, the bare minimum to pass, if Naruto got that pass people would only resent him for using his status as the Hokage’s ward. Being a ninja was not about cutting corners, even if it was one minor detail.

“Miss one little thing and it could be disastrous,” Iruka lamented. Kind of like the Hokage failing to mention that the seal that held the Kyuubi in Kushina Namikaze would be weakest during childbirth. Maybe if they had been prepared for that possibility…

A knock at the door interrupted Iruka’s descent into angst, and he got up to head to the door. Waiting outside was Mizuki, who looked ready to have an episode. “Mizuki, what is it?”

“It’s Naruto! He stole a scroll full of forbidden techniques and he ran off with it!” Mizuki cried out.

Iruka stared. “What.”

Bits of rolled up tissue sticking out of his nose, Sarutobi tried his best to maintain a semblance of dignity. However, after falling victim to that jutsu, he was hard pressed to shore up any. He looked around the group of gathered ninja, who seemed more surprised and amused than anything else. One shinobi raised his hand. “He hit you with that one, huh?”

“Not even the Hokage can withstand that jutsu,” another said from behind the book he was reading. “I’ve heard the stories… I think it’d even work on me, too.”

A paradoxically large ninja then got everyone on point. “Do you think he could’ve gone far, Hokage-sama?”

Sarutobi answered, “In all likelihood, he stole the scroll to learn a technique he could pass the exam with. However, there are many forbidden skills within the scroll and in the wrong hands they could be deadly. Find Naruto and ensure that he is safe above all else.”

“Yes, Hokage-sama!” The group of ninja called out before they vanished in formation, and dashed off across the rooftops. Sarutobi smirked; sometimes it was just cool to be Hokage.


In the woods, Naruto rubbed the bridge of his nose before replacing his glasses. It had taken him a few tries, but he had mastered a really impressive technique, the Shadow Clone Jutsu! He quickly performed the seals and then stance, and in a puff of smoke created his own clone. Both he and his clone stared at each other, before grinning.

“I’m going to pass the exam! YES!” both shouted together as they high-fived. “This is better than some dinky Clone Jutsu, am I right?”

“You’re darn right, you’re right!” Naruto’s clone replied as they high-fived again. Naruto quickly struck a pose.

“First, I become a Genin!” he declared before he pointed to his clone, who also posed.

“Then, Chunin!” the clone popped and locked before pointing back to Naruto.

“Before they know it, I’ll be a freaking Jounin!” He and his clone began trading blows, before he struck a fatal blow to the clone’s neck, exploding it in a cloud of smoke. The ambient light gleaming off his glasses, Naruto grinned as the smoke cleared. “Then nothing’s stopping me from becoming Hokage!”

When the smoke cleared fully behind him, Iruka was there. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKER!?”

His powerful roar knocked Naruto for a loop, and sent him spilling onto the ground before scrambling up to stare at his furious sensei. “I-Iruka-sensei, I see that you’ve found me… just in time, too! I’m ready to pass the final exam once and for all!”

Iruka folded his arms and sighed. “This was really it was about, huh? You’ll do anything to pass the exam won’t you?”

“Not anything, I know how you react to that jutsu, after all…” Naruto looked off as he responded, and Iruka whacked him on the head. “Ow!”

“You cheeky little…” He stopped, and then looked at the scroll. “So you only tried the Shadow Clone, huh? How’d you know it was here?”

“Oh, Mizuki told me about it…” Naruto replied, almost instantly he was shoved to the ground. Looking up, he saw scores of kunai whipping through the air and into Iruka, who managed to block them from hitting his vitals. “Iruka-sensei!”

Turning around, he looked up to the source of his attacker. Sure enough there was Mizuki, standing at the base of a tree with a smug look on his face. “Mizuki-sensei, what are you doing here?”

“Why else, I came for the scroll,” Mizuki said as he tossed a kunai to himself.

“Naruto, that scroll is dangerous! Mizuki used you so he could get his hands on it!” Iruka called out.

Mizuki glanced over to Iruka. “The little pampered brat fell for it too.” He looked back to Naruto. “For someone who lives in the Hokage’s home, you seem to know very little about all the hidden secrets it has. I’m glad I went through the trouble of scoping the place out before using you, rather than expecting you to know where anything was.”

Walking towards Naruto, Mizuki held his hand out. “Hand over the scroll, Naruto and maybe I won’t kill Iruka.”

“No way, I won’t let you have it!” Naruto said as Iruka got up. “I’d never let you take something that belongs to the old man!”

Lowering his hand, Mizuki let out a laugh. “Defiant. You’d be singing a different tune if you knew the wool the Hokage was pulling over your eyes.”

Naruto paused, and stared at Mizuki, Iruka too. “What wool?”

“What are you talking about, Mizuki?” Iruka demanded.

Mizuki grinned. “Iruka, you definitely should hear this too.”

Naruto took a step back from Mizuki, to better cover Iruka, and prepared to use his Shadow Clone Jutsu. Mizuki spoke, “Just before you were born, the Nine-Tailed Fox nearly destroyed Konoha, and the Fourth killed it.”

“Everyone knows that!” Naruto growled as he performed the hand seals for the Shadow Clone Jutsu. Mizuki interrupted him before he could finish them.

“It was a lie!” Mizuki reached for the large shuriken on his back. “The Nine-Tailed Fox didn’t die that night, you see-!”

All the air in Mizuki’s lungs left in an instant, driven out by a positively demolishing lariat from Asuma Sarutobi, who seemed to appear out of thin air. Gagging for air, Mizuki turned his wide eyes to Asuma, who spoke quietly and calmly despite the cigarette held in his mouth.

“The only reason you’re not dead, Mizuki, is because the Hokage would like to know where you learned that little bit of information.”

“Big Bro!” Naruto shouted excitedly, before something off to the side caught his attention, the last thing he and Iruka saw were red, piercing eyes before both fell unconscious. Unceremoniously, Asuma dropped Mizuki to the ground and took a drag from his cigarette.

“Well isn’t this a mess,” he said aloud to the shadows, and the owners of those red eyes emerged.

“The Interrogation and Torture Division’s going to have an enlightening night, brief as it may be,” Fugaku Uchiha spoke coolly to Asuma. He looked from Mizuki to the unconscious Naruto and Iruka.

Asuma looked over to them as well. “What do we do with them? If they have even a single clue…”

“Their memories can be handled,” Fugaku replied before he turned to Asuma. “Excellent use of restraint, by the way, I was certain you would’ve killed him.”

“We can’t kill him yet,” Asuma said as he reached down to pick Mizuki up.

Far away, Sarutobi let the smoke drift from his pipe as he grimly watched Asuma and Fugaku’s exchange.


The next day at the Academy, Naruto still couldn’t believe what had happened. Mizuki had tried to steal the scroll, and he had hurt Iruka pretty badly too. If it hadn’t been for Asuma, he would’ve probably gotten away.

Ha, yeah right, if Asuma hadn’t shown up Naruto would’ve spawned like a thousand clones and beat the crap out of Mizuki until he couldn’t move! It would have been awesome. Speaking of…

“Naruto,” Sarutobi said from the front of the class. Next to him, a bandaged up Iruka was all smiles as he waited for the young man to come down.

“As requested by Iruka, in light of last night, how about we give you that retest? If you can create a single clone, you will be recognized as a Genin.”

Next to him, Hinata held up her fan and coolly assured him. “You can do it, Naruto-san.”

Getting up, Naruto headed down to the front of the class and adjusted his glasses before performing the hand seals. This was it, Genin was good as his, and by the end of the year, maybe a year and a half he was going to be Hokage! He could barely contain himself.

“SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!”

There was an explosion of smoke, and then screams as the entire classroom became filled with a mosh pit of Naruto clones. Amidst the sea of orange and blonde squirming and struggling for space, the original Naruto stuck his head up and gasped for breath as he looked to Iruka and the Hokage.

“So, did I pass?” he asked.

He was promptly hit in the face with a thrown forehead protector.


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Yep.

 

Here's some more. Hope you like butterflies.


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Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the last man standing. Let the battle begin.


And then suddenly, Ninjas!
Team Seven, bitches


Kakashi gets his shit wrecked


[2.]


Danzo was one person Sarutobi wish he could kill and get away with, but knowing his counterpart even attempting it would be more trouble than it was worth. First he would have to get rid of Danzo’s body, and then he would have to get rid of all the bodies of the some two dozen ROOT ninja that were always within striking distance to defend him at any given moment. Yes, even right now in Sarutobi’s office.

The new guy with the fish on his head pretending to be a lamp needed work.

He needed an excuse for any murder, though, and the old guy was good at not giving him one. Currently, he was yammering about Akatsuki and their bullshit, running around the Elemental Countries and stealing work from the villages. Sarutobi actually found that aspect of Akatsuki all right, a Ninja Village without borders made up of ninja from all the different villages. That was pretty much the only idea from them he liked.

As Danzo kept prattling on about the possible whereabouts to Konoha’s contribution to the criminal organization, Sarutobi marveled at how completely inept ROOT was. Their information had to be at least a week out of date. Jiraiya was running rings around these guys, being at most a day behind his quarry while losing the guys who were trailing him at the same time.

He wondered how Naruto was doing, he was going to get a Jounin instructor tomorrow, and had specifically assigned Kakashi to that duty. He really couldn’t think of a better choice. Plus, being a student of the Fourth he had nothing but Naruto’s best interests at heart, which was the most important thing. Only problem was that a certain student graduated a year earlier than expected, leaving the team Naruto was to be on short a student.

Danzo was finally wrapping things up. “… And that is my report on the whereabouts on Akatsuki and Oro-”

“Yes, thank you Danzo.” Sarutobi cleared his throat as he spoke. The other old man narrowed his eyes at the Hokage for brushing him off–it would seem his intelligence was out of date again and Sarutobi was just humoring him. Heads were set to roll.

“Sarutobi, you appear to be distracted. Is everything all right?” Danzo asked.

“At the moment, but it is nothing of dire importance. I have an uneven number of graduates this year, so I need to fill a team spot,” Sarutobi replied as he looked from his sheets to Danzo. He knew that Danzo was going to leap at this opportunity, and that in itself was an opportunity for him.

He did not disappoint. “If you need to fill in a spot, I have a young trainee who has become nonviable to ROOT.”

Translation: I want to insert an operative into your team, knowing full well that the blonde-haired orphan boy that you have such a strangely vested interest in is on it. Sarutobi liked that Danzo was so easy to read. “Nonviable? How is that so?”

“Things happened,” Danzo simply responded.

Sarutobi soured a little. Well of course things happened, they always happen, that’s what things do. He suppressed again his urge to kill Danzo, knowing that this presented an opportunity to forge an excuse.

Pretending to weigh this in his mind, Sarutobi nodded. “Very well, I shall assign him to Team Seven. What is his name?”

“Sai,” Danzo answered.

“I see, thank you Danzo. You make the arrangements on your end and I’ll make mine.” Sarutobi wanted Danzo to leave now and take his Ninja with him, the office was beginning to feel a little crowded.

Nodding, Danzo turned and left the office, a smirk forming on the shady old man’s lips as he departed. If Sarutobi thought that he was going to use his mole against him, he had another thing coming.


A cup of instant ramen in hand, Naruto walked along the river that ran through Konoha, eagerly slurping up his breakfast. Today he was going to meet his new sensei and he wanted to get off on the right foot. To that end, he had gotten up early, done some moderate fitness to keep limber, and even studied some of the basics to prepare for whatever his new teacher had to throw at him. Given what he had found peeking at the old man’s books, he was going to need every advantage.

“Of all the teachers, why did the old man assign me to him? Is this another one of his crazy tests to prove myself?” he mused aloud. It wasn’t all bad, though, he was on the same team as Sakura! This was going to be awesome.

Then, without warning, someone bumped into him, knocking his cup of ramen from his hands. In a mad dash to catch it, Naruto fell short… but the ramen was saved from spillage nevertheless.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that.” Naruto stopped and looked up at the Genin who bumped into him. Blue shirt, boring khaki shorts, an aloof, holier-than-thou look? It could only be the one, the only, Sasuke Uchiha. “Oh, you’re the Hokage’s kid, Naruto.”

He handed his ramen back to Naruto, who grinned. “Yeah, and you’re the overachiever from last year, Sasuke.”

“I don’t like to brag, but yes.” Actually, he loved to brag but when compared to Itachi it was hard to. Sasuke noticed that Naruto was wearing a forehead protector. “Huh, so it’s true, the Three-Time Failure is now a Genin. Congratulations.”

Naruto preened. “You’ve been hearing about me, huh?”

Sasuke chuckled. “I’ll be honest when I say your story’s pretty interesting. I figure someone like you wouldn’t have a problem becoming a Genin. The Hokage isn’t training you personally?”

Scoffing, Naruto fished around in his ramen cup for more noodles. “Nah, the Hokage doesn’t do that preferential training crap. Big Bro didn’t get any training from him and he’s awesome; I don’t need a handicap like that to be an awesome ninja either.”

That Sasuke found respectable. “I heard that you passed the final exam using a cool technique, mind if I see it?”

Naruto made a smug face. “Nah, you’d just copy it with your Sharingan.”

Sasuke acquiesced. “So you saw right through me.”

Just like that, Naruto felt the urge to punch Sasuke. He shrugged it off, just as a pair of arms wrapped around Sasuke’s waist. The girl they were connected to brought Sasuke down with an exuberant squeal of his name. Blinking, he looked down at the stunned Sasuke and Sakura cuddling his back with a smile on her face.

“Sasuke, you got careless,” she taunted as she nuzzled his back. “Are you ready to give up?”

In a puff of smoke, Sakura was holding a log, while the real Sasuke stepped from behind Naruto. Naruto waved to her. “Hey Sakura-chan.”

Sasuke looked to Naruto. “You know her?”

“She’s my classmate, and gonna be on my team,” Naruto said as Sakura got up. He was no stranger to her crush on Sasuke, and he kind of envied Sasuke for all the attention he received from her.

Dusting herself off, Sakura offered her fist, which Naruto bumped with his own. “Hey Naruto, I was actually looking for you. Did you see the teacher we were going to get?”

“Yeah, it’s Kakashi.” Naruto said.

Sasuke’s brows rose at that. “Wow, I feel sorry for you guys.”

“What?” Sakura looked to Sasuke. “Why?”

“He fails every team he gets and sends them back to the academy.” Sasuke revealed. “Itachi would’ve been a Genin at six but Kakashi failed him pretty ruthlessly.”

Sakura gaped. “He failed Itachi?!”

Sasuke nodded grimly. “Without a second thought, he did.”

She turned to Naruto. “We’re doomed.”

“Like Hell we are, it took me three tries to get this far. I’m not going to just roll over and fail because of some stuck-up teacher,” Naruto declared.

Sasuke smiled at the two graduates, before he checked his watch. Speaking of stuck-up teachers, his was waiting for him. “Aoi-sensei waits for no one, so I have to get going.”

Before he could turn and walk off, Sakura grabbed his arm and hugged it as she smiled appealingly to him. “Ne, ne Sasuke… if you’re not doing anything later today, would you like to go on a date?”

Sasuke gave Sakura a charming smile. “No.”

Slipping free of Sakura, he walked away, waving back to them as he departed. “I wish you nothing but the best of luck with Kakashi. See you around.”

He disappeared after that, leaving a wrecked Sakura just gaping at where he had been standing. Naruto couldn’t help but let out a whistle at how nonchalantly she had been shot down and left to languish out in the cold like that. On the other hand… it was rebound time!

“Wow Sakura, that was pretty harsh,” he said to her, “What an asshole.”

Sakura nodded. “Yes, but still… I won’t let this get me down! I’ll win his heart if it’s the last thing I do!”

He patted Sakura on the back, and then rubbed it–so much for the rebound. “There, there Sakura-chan, there’s always next time.”

Sakura looked to Naruto and smiled. “You never gave up graduating; I’ll never give up on Sasuke!”

Naruto wished she would. Together, the two took to the rooftops for the Academy. “Ne, Naruto…did you see anything on the Hokage’s notes about us getting a third man in our team? All the other kids have been put on teams…”

“Well, the third spot belongs to some guy named Sai,” Naruto replied as he recalled raiding the Hokage’s office following the Old Man’s meeting with Danzo. “I don’t know much more than that.”

Sakura frowned. “Sai… I hope he’s at least cute.”

Naruto adjusted his glasses mid-leap and looked to Sakura. “Don’t you think you have enough eye candy, Sakura-chan?”

“I can never have enough!” Sakura called out.

Laughing, the two reached the Academy and the classroom they were to meet Kakashi. Inside, they found their third man, an unbearably pale boy dressed as what Sakura would describe as a “Hoe” drawing in a book. Their sensei was nowhere to be seen. Naruto and Sakura looked to each other, and then back to the boy–he was looking at them with an unnerving, artificial smile.

“Hello, you must be the teammates I’ve been expecting. I was told to look for a useless nerd with glasses and a hyperactive girl who wasn’t that cute,” he said to them both, “I’m Sai.”

An hour later when Kakashi Hatake arrived, fifty minutes late, he found the classroom in ruins and a banged up Naruto holding an enraged Sakura back from trying to get at a visibly terrified Sai. He regarded the scene with surprise, and continued to stare until one by one, Sai, Naruto, and then Sakura finally noticed him.

“Right now,” he said to them, “I am ready to fail you all where you stand. However, since my being on time could’ve avoided this, I’ll give you one more chance, okay?”

“Thank you sensei!” all three children replied, bowing deeply and politely to Kakashi. He sighed; already they were off to an interesting start.


“Okay, I suppose we should start with some introductions. The basics, like your likes and dislikes, hopes for the future, and things like that,” Kakashi said to his assembled team atop a nearby rooftop.

Naruto was seated between Sakura and Sai, the former passing threatening looks to the latter, who was visibly shaken by them. While Naruto served as a barrier for Sai, he didn’t really have sympathy for the guy–you do not make Sakura Haruno angry, you will not like Sakura Haruno when she is angry.

“If we’re going to be a team, we should be able to understand each other,” he went on, and successfully won the attention of his students. “Which of you would like to go first?”

Naruto raised his hand, and when indicated by Kakashi he introduced himself. “My name’s Naruto Uzumaki, I like ramen either instant or restaurant made and I don’t like waiting for it to cook; my dream is to be the greatest Hokage who ever lived!”

Sai looked over to Naruto. “You like ramen a lot. Is that why you’re so stringy?”

Naruto barely overcame the urge to punch Sai. Odd, it was just like with Sasuke…

“That’s quite a dream; I hope you have the ambition to back it up.” He looked to Sai. “What about you?”

“My name is Sai,” The boy said with an unsettling smile, “I draw.”

“You’re also a tool.” Sakura grumbled.

“I don’t like ugly violent girls with pink hair,” Sai added, and Naruto had to hold Sakura back.

“KILL YOUR FACE!” Sakura screamed as she reached past Naruto to swing ineffectually at Sai. Kakashi sighed and waited for the eruption to blow over. It eventually did, and Sai now sat much further from Naruto and Sakura.

“My name is Sakura Haruno,” Sakura introduced herself, “I like taijutsu and medicine, and I dislike creepy pale boys. My dream is to surpass Lady Tsunade, and marry an Uchiha.”

Kakashi rolled his eye. “You are a typical girl, Sakura-chan.”

“Just ugly,” Sai added.

He was swiftly decked by Sakura before Naruto could grab her.

There was no way this team was going to work, Kakashi thought. On the other hand he did have his schedule cleared for the next two days and he had to amuse himself somehow.

Sighing, he introduced himself. “I’m Kakashi Hatake; I have no interest in telling you anything else.”

The three Genin turned their attention back to Kakashi, whose only hint at the smile he wore was the curve of his visible eye. With that out of the way, he continued. “As you may already know–you seem like bright students who’ve done your homework after all–what happens next is the Survival Test. Of the twenty-seven graduates who got through the academy, only nine will become full-fledged Genin. The rest will return to the Academy for more study… if they survive their examination.”

Sai raised his hand. “Yes Sai?”

“Does this mean we’ll automatically fail? I have no confidence in the loud ugly girl.”

Naruto was able to catch Sakura this time.

“Kill…! Kill…! Kill…!”

Kakashi cleared his throat. “That stands to be seen, do you wish to voluntarily flunk the test?”

“Not at all, I could be proven wrong,” Sai returned.

“Expect to be!” Naruto said as he managed to hook his arms under Sakura’s and restrain her as she kicked towards Sai. “There’s no way this team will fail, believe it!”

Sai smiled again. “On second thought, I’m certain that we’ll succeed through nepotism.”

Just for that, Naruto let Sakura go, and the beating she laid upon Sai shut him up for the rest of the day.


Kakashi’s instructions were pretty concise, study the printout detailing the exercise, and don’t eat breakfast. His instructions were straightforward, but in being so, they left room for interpretation. Reconvening at Ichiraku, Naruto and Sakura discussed what they knew of Kakashi (nothing other than his name and that he had a hundred percent failure rate), what they had at their disposal, and how to employ it.

What they had at their disposal was impressive and making use of it was no problem. Sakura was a social butterfly who got well enough with everyone (even Sasuke despite all her attempts to date him) so it was be easy for her to ask around about the details of Kakashi’s exam–especially those who had failed it prior.

Naruto meanwhile had access to the Hokage, his office, and most importantly records pertaining to Konoha Ninja. Taking the old man out with that jutsu and rummaging around to get details on Kakashi was a piece of cake. Sai did nothing, because as far as either of them knew he had nothing to offer them. It was fine; Sai just spent his time sketching things.

So the next morning when Kakashi arrived late again, Naruto, Sakura, and Sai were cheerfully waiting for him. Sai did have a bruise on his face for something he had said to offend Sakura, again more evidence that their sensei needed to be on time to prevent this sort of thing. Pulling out an alarm clock, he set it down and set it to go off at exactly noon before he addressed his students.

“Good morning kids, I’m sorry I’m late,” Kakashi said as he held up a pair of bells. “Today’s test is simple; you have to take these bells from me by noon. Any student who fails to get a bell will be tied up to one of these convenient stumps over here and not get any lunch. On top of that, I’ll eat right in front of you.”

“That’s very immature,” Sai noted.

Sakura huffed. “I actually agree with the weirdo.”

Kakashi ignored the observation. “There are only two, so one of you will definitely not eat, and for that failure you’ll have to go back to the academy.”

Both Naruto and Sakura looked at Sai, who remained unperturbed. Kakashi couldn’t help but be a little amused; he was no stranger to ROOT himself, and was well aware of what the boy was likely capable of. “I can tell by your looks, that you’re pretty confident in your abilities, so what do you say we get started?”

Naruto and Sakura got ready, but Sai shot straight from the gate, leaving a trail of dust behind him as he rushed Kakashi head-on. With a surprised hum, he swiftly leaned back from the slash of the tip-less tanto that Sai had drawn from the sheath on his back, and then sidestepped consecutive strikes from the weapon. Standing back, Naruto and Sakura watched Sai with surprise.

“He didn’t even hesitate…” Sakura muttered.

Naruto looked to her. “Let’s take advantage of it, come on.”

Looking between Naruto and the fight, Sakura nodded and the two quietly retreated. Kakashi noticed their departure as he casually evaded another strike from Sai. “I wonder where they’re going…”

Sai drove the tanto into Kakashi’s stomach, and smiled up at him. “You shouldn’t let your eye wander, sensei.”

Kakashi then turned into a log with a single flash bomb at Sai’s eye level. The flash bomb exploded, bathing Sai in a blinding light that faded quickly to reveal the young Genin clutching at his eyes in agony. Reaching down to pick him up by the back of his collar, Kakashi held a kunai to the Genin’s throat.

“It’s in your best interest to tell me why ROOT is suddenly interested in inserting an operative skilled as you are into a Genin team,” Kakashi said to the struggling boy, who calmed and stuck out his tongue.

“I’m not allowed to say…” Sai replied before he melted away into ink. Kakashi took a step back, and then raised his hand behind his head to scratch it.

“Kids these days…” He said before he stopped scratching his head to block Sakura’s kick for the back of it. “Hello, Sakura.”

He turned around and quickly blocked a series of high speed strikes that looked surprisingly familiar to the Jounin: Palm strikes, knife-edge strokes, and hooked strikes that were enthusiastically aimed for his vitals. Quickly he changed up his blocking method, avoiding the fingers themselves and parrying her blows at the wrist before he shoved her backward.

“Hmm… now I’m a little curious.” He said to Sakura as the stance she adopted told him enough. “Just how are you able to use that style?”

“I told you, I like taijutsu!” Sakura declared before she broke into a run and swung a kick for Kakashi that he blocked with the back of his hand, Sakura then went low with a sweep, and Kakashi hopped over her effortlessly. Landing behind her, he hummed as she got up and resumed her assault, pushing him back with the same precise strikes and granting him little quarter. It was easy to see that her style had a limit.

“I think I figured it out. Impressive that you were able to figure out Gentle Fist to the level you have. However…” He parried a strike, and then turned her around before grabbing her by the shoulder and slamming her into the ground. “Gentle Fist is a Hyuuga Clan exclusive for a few reasons.”

“Ow…” Sakura squirmed underneath him, trying to get free, before she finally exploded into as puff of smoke–a shadow clone? Kakashi looked up in time to see Naruto and Sakura above his head, armed with handfuls of throwing weapons they threw down on him like a rain of steel. Raising his arms above his head, he blocked the majority from hitting his head, while the rest dug into his body.

“We got him!” Sakura cheered. “Good job with your Shadow Clone and Henge, Naruto!”

Naruto grinned as the two landed. “Thank you very much, Sakura! The hard part was getting your moves down. Now let’s go get those bells!”

Kakashi began to lower his hands when Naruto called to him. “I wouldn’t move…you might set off the explosive tags.”

Pausing, Kakashi looked at the Shurikens on his arms, and saw they indeed were wrapped with highly volatile and potent explosive tags. He looked to his grinning students. “You two are patently insane, I like that.”

Before they could, another flash bomb exploded in front of them, thrown by Sai to blind them before he landed in front of Kakashi. Tanto in hand, he looked from Kakashi to the bells and reached for them.

“If I take both bells, will the other two fail?” Kakashi then dropped his arms around Sai, and smiled to the Genin. “Huh?”

“That was not a nice thing to do, betraying your teammates,” Kakashi said in a friendly, yet ominous tone as he disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the explosive tags to ignite… and then go off like harmless firecrackers. Still rubbing their eyes, Naruto and Sakura watched as the dud tags finished burning out, leaving Sai unharmed.

Naruto let out a grumble and kicked the ground. “We almost had him!”

“Way to go, Sai!” Sakura yelled at him.

Sai looked back at Naruto and Sakura, and his smile returned. “The success of the mission justifies the cost. I hope one day you’ll understand.”

Kakashi reappeared in the middle of the field of thrown weapons, his emotions vague as he scrutinized his team. “Is that something you honestly believe, Sai?”

“Of course,” Sai replied, “You should understand that better than anyone Kakashi Hatake.”

Nodding, Kakashi agreed with him. “You’re right; I do understand that better than anyone. However, I am fairly confident that no matter what you do, Sai, you’ll never pass this test.”

Sai’s smile was replaced by a quizzical look. “Oh?”

At that very instant, the kunai and shurikens went off in puffs of smoke, revealing dozens of Naruto clones that mobbed Kakashi from all sides. Caught off guard by the avalanche of orange, Kakashi hard no time to react as he was quickly buried. Triumphantly, one of the clones held above his head the bells, and then tossed them to Naruto, who quickly divvied them up with Sakura before the clones vanished, leaving Kakashi seated on his backside.

“That was too easy, Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto taunted as both he and Sakura mockingly jingled the bells. Sai stared at his teammates in surprise, before he looked back to Kakashi, who was clearly amused as he rose up to his feet.

“So… they acquired the bells,” the ROOT Nin said as Kakashi walked over to the two.

Kakashi nodded. “I’m impressed; only one team was ever able to get the bells before.”

“Yep, and now that we have them…” Naruto promptly dropped the bell on the ground and stepped on it, as did Sakura. Sai stared down at the ruined bells, and then looked back to Kakashi, who was genuinely surprised by the gesture.

“I don’t understand,” Sai began.

“Only two of us would be able to complete the mission,” Naruto said, “But we’re a three man team.”

“As much as I hate it, that’s right,” Sakura added.

Kakashi folded his arms, as Naruto continued. “In an actual mission, that would be the same as leaving a teammate to die, when we could’ve saved them and a Ninja who abandons his teammate…”

“… Is lower than trash!” Sakura finished.

Sai stared at Naruto and Sakura, stunned. “Lower than trash…?”

Kakashi broke into applause, clapping his hands as he walked over to the three and displaying a smile with his sole eye. “It would appear that you two did quite a bit of homework on me, haven’t you?”

“That’s right,” Sakura said, “We asked around among the students you failed in the past, and Naruto looked up some of your records. With that in mind, we were able to formulate the best possible strategy to pass your test.”

Kakashi chuckled. “So… in the end you wasted the time and effort I put in trying to teach you a lesson by learning it on your own. I think my opinion has changed of you three.”

Naruto raised his brows. “Really?”

“Yes,” Kakashi said, “I think I really hate you guys. Now I actually have to train you. You pass.”

“Shannaro!” Sakura exclaimed, jumping up and down and pumping her fists into the air. Naruto grinned and brought his hand to his glasses and adjusted them.

“Everything went just as planned…” He announced with a smug smile. Sakura caught him in a hug and laughed as she swung him around, ruining his effort at looking cool.

Staring at his teammates, Sai was genuinely confused.

Since when did Konoha Ninja put their comrades ahead of their mission?


= = =


Sai? Sai?!

 

And now for arguably the best chapter in this story.


= = =


Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to the last man standing. Let the battle begin.


And then suddenly, Ninjas!
I Hate Wave Country Rehashes


Aloha from the Land of Little Logic


[3.]


Face down in the dirt, Naruto looked up from where he fell and up at the tree where Zabuza Momochi, the Zabuza Momochi, stood on the hilt of his ridiculously huge sword. He raised his head higher and looked to his left; Sakura and Sai were getting up and positioning themselves around the old guy who got them into this mess. When he looked to his right, Kakashi was in front of their group, ready to face off against him.

“What the Hell is he doing here?”

Naruto quickly got back up, as Kakashi ordered him to get back and protect the old guy. Of course, why else would he be here? After those water brothers got their shit ruined by Sakura and Kakashi, someone stronger had to come along next.

As Zabuza and Kakashi bantered, Naruto looked back to their charge, the old bridge builder who paid for a C-Rank mission but obviously needed a B-Rank team, Tazuna. “You know, your grand kid better be grateful that we’re going through all of this for you, or I am going to punch you.”

Unable to take his eyes off Zabuza as he made his intentions plainly known, Tazuna grumbled back to Naruto. “I don’t know if any of us will make it that far, you super brat.”

God, did he have to say “Super” every time he spoke? He hated this annoying old guy! Kakashi was going for his Sharingan, shit just got real. “Look, we have to stay away from this guy. Sai, get your ink stuff ready!”

All eyes were on Zabuza again, as he performed his Concealing Mist Jutsu. Naruto immediately had a kunai out, to his left Sai was painting beasts upon his scroll, and to his right Sakura’s head was on a swivel, looking out for any possible attack. Against a guy like this though, could they do anything if he did? It was only because of Kakashi they avoided his opener. Naruto was scared shitless.

“Eight choices…” Zabuza’s voice coming in from all sides did not help any. “Liver, lungs, aorta, spine, jugular, brain, kidneys, heart…”

Naruto looked around again, and formed some hand seals as Zabuza continued. “Which one should I go after?”

“With a sword that super huge, do you really think you can be choosy?” Tazuna sarcastically groused. God damn it, Naruto hated him.

“Don’t be scared you guys,” Kakashi reassured, “I won’t let my comrades die.”

Then suddenly Zabuza was standing right in the middle of the group. “Yeah, about that…”

Everything happened super fast, as Kakashi suddenly emerged from the mists and drove a kunai into him, at least that’s what Naruto saw when he got up from being thrown aside by the attack. The mist was too thick; he could barely see the action going on. Sakura and Sai were rushing back to Tazuna, and Kakashi was being chopped in half by Zabuza–wait, what?

“Sensei!” Naruto cried out as Kakashi vanished into a dispelling water clone. “Huh?”

Kakashi immediately got the jump on Zabuza, putting a kunai to his throat. Naruto grinned at the change of fortunes, and steeled himself. Sai and Sakura were with Tazuna, he had to get over to their side. He had just begun to move, when fortunes rapidly soured, and suddenly Kakashi was going one way while Zabuza went another. Naruto stopped halfway to the rest of the team and watched as Kakashi went into the water.

“Ha, fool…” Zabuza was laughing, this was bad. Then Kakashi was captured in the Water Prison Jutsu by the real Zabuza.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Zabuza created a water clone, as he boasted over Kakashi’s imprisonment, Naruto couldn’t really hear it until he turned his attention to him. “… Wearing forehead protectors like you were real ninja. But you know what? A real ninja is someone who’s survived many brushes with death.”

The water clone looked towards Naruto, and he froze where he stood. The clone and Zabuza spoke together. “Only if you wind up in my Bingo Book, do you get the right to be called a ninja!”

The clone was gone, where did–getting kicked in the face hurt.

He was on his back; the kick hit him so hard it knocked forehead protector off and knocked his glasses askew. This was bad. Naruto looked over when he heard Sakura cry his name. Okay, he was still alive. He then looked up at the Zabuza clone, which was grinding its heel into the knocked off forehead protector while eyeing him up like prey ready for the slaughter, and he barely overcame the urge to wet himself.

“I’m going to die here,” he realized as he tried to get up. A twinge of pain in his left hand stopped him, and he stared down at the bandage covering it.


Back then, against those goons who made them realize this wasn’t just some walk in the park, one of them had stabbed his hand. His thoughts went to his rough interactions with Tazuna, as they left Konoha on their journey.

“Am I really going to be safe? I feel like I’m the one babysitting him if he’s the Hokage’s spoiled brat ward.”

“Someone like you becoming Hokage, I can see it. Once the old man keels over they’ll just hand it over to you, right?”

Naruto stared at his hand, and tensed up. He wasn’t going to die in front of that drunken old bastard.

“By this blood-soaked kunai, I’ll show you that I’m no pampered brat! I’m going to earn my right to be called Hokage, and you’re going to call me that with respect!”

Naruto’s fear receded, pushed to the back of his mind by his determination as he rose to his feet. Reaching for his glasses, he adjusted them, before pulling them off his face and tossing them aside carelessly.

Seeing this, Zabuza laughed. “So, you want to die, kid?”

Naruto suddenly rushed towards Zabuza, hugging the ground despite the pleas of Kakashi and Sakura for him to stop. The results were predictable, with the clone batting Naruto away from him with ease. However, Naruto had succeeded in his effort; he had retrieved his forehead protector from under the clone’s foot.

“You overcompensating freak,” Naruto said as he held up his protector. “Write this down in your precious little book and shove it up your ugly ass.”

He raised his protector to his forehead and began to tie it on. “I’m the man who will become Hokage and go down in history as the strongest ninja who ever lived. Konoha Ninja, Naruto Uzumaki… and I’m going to make you look like an utter fool, believe it!”

It was time to get dangerous, Naruto affirmed as he secured his forehead protector. “Sakura, Sai, let’s run a riot all over this idiot’s busted-up face!”


The battle certainly had been epic. Naruto, Sakura, and Sai had used teamwork and managed to free Kakashi, who proceeded to unleash an amazing beating on Zabuza and his dinky sword until that Hunter-nin came along and totally stole Kakashi’s kill.

Still, the bastard was dead and they were now staying at the home of Tazuna, who had a really hot daughter who was a confirmed MILF, given his mentioning having a grandson. That made Naruto happy, he liked MILFs. Like Sasuke’s Mom, she was a Super MILF.

God damn it, he was now doing it too. He hated that old man.

Tsunami was tending to Kakashi, and it was obvious to a couple of Genin like him and Sakura that she wanted to show her gratitude in sexy ways given the warm looks and the occasional blush during her and Kakashi’s exchanges.

Sai either missed the subtext of her behavior or had it spot on, because he referred to Tsunami as “a nice whore” before being savagely beaten by Sakura and made to sit in a corner by Tsunami, who took it a little more in stride… like she was used to it.

Eh, as a Ninja Naruto could only respect whatever people had to do to get by, but it was still rude of Sai to just out and out say it.

“Man, I am glad that’s over.” Sakura said as she wiggled and flexed her toes. “This Gateau guy, he’s going to be a whole lot of trouble if he hired that Zabuza guy.”

Naruto stared at Sakura’s feet, even her toes were cute… no! No, look away Naruto. “I don’t know; if we went from those demon guys straight to Zabuza, it was probably the best he had.”

“Aside from the personal army of underlings, you mean,” Sakura noted.

Naruto scoffed at that notion. “Between the three of us, we’re more than a match for a bunch of untrained thugs, even without Kakashi.”

His Shadow Clones could number in the thousands if he so willed it, Gateau had what, a few hundred guys at best? Sakura then brought up a good point. “It’ll be a week before Kakashi is up on his feet again, what if they attack during then?”

“Gateau’s objective is Tazuna, so as long as we just have to protect him, we’ll be fine.” Naruto then noticed Sai was staring at Kakashi, who was asleep. “Hey Sai, what is it?”

“His face…” Sai said. “… Has anyone seen it without the mask?”

Sakura and Naruto looked from Sai to each other, and then joined Sai in surrounding Kakashi’s slumbering face. Sakura looked to the pale boy. “You ask a very good question, I don’t think I’ve seen him without it.”

Naruto reached for it, and then stopped before looking to the others. “What do you think is under there?”

“Maybe he has buck teeth,” Sai mused.

“It’s gotta be cleft lip or something sick-nasty like that,” Sakura pointed out.

Naruto shook his head. “If it was that, then he’d sound weird when he talks. I bet he has fish lips and zits.”

Tsunami leaned over them. “Or maybe he’s so utterly beautiful that he must hide his face to avoid distracting his comrades.”

“I like that theory,” Sakura said as she reached eagerly for his mask. Kakashi then woke up, and his Genin zipped back from him in fright. “Damn, damn, damn! now it’s going to bother me for the rest of the mission.”

Kakashi sat up, and palmed his face. Whatever had woken him up was really bothering him given the look on his face that they could only determine through one eye. Seriously, his ability to emote despite having three-fourths of his face covered up had to be a special ability or something.

Naruto was the one to ask. “What’s up, Kakashi-sensei?”

“When a Hunter-nin disposes of a body, they generally do it right on the spot,” Kakashi said before he looked to his students.

Naruto was already turning this over in his head, and the realization was hitting him, while Sai showed no reaction. Sakura was a little slower on the uptake.

“So?” Sakura asked. “The Hunter-nin just took the body away, it’s not a… oh damn.”

It came together in her head right then and there and she let out a groan. “Well of course the Hunter-nin would be on Zabuza’s side! She just left with the body like that!”

Kakashi looked to Sakura. “Oh?”

“I aspire to be a med-nin, and I know a thing or two about the human body. That Hunter-nin used the senbon to incapacitate Zabuza and make us think he was dead, I thought it was weird, if she really wanted him dead…”

“There were tons more effective and simpler ways to kill him,” Naruto finished, “We’ve been had!”

Sai could’ve told them that, but no one asked, plus he was feeling a little vindictive towards Sakura, who folded her arms.

“Well this is just great, Zabuza is alive and he’ll be coming after us when he gets back on his feet.”

On hearing that Tazuna let out a great shout and shook his head. “You can’t be serious! Now we’re in super trouble; a guy like him is not going to stop for anything!”

“Except maybe a better deal,” Naruto mumbled.

“Even if Zabuza was dead, that’d means that Gateau might be driven to hire more powerful help. We should be thankful he’s alive,” Kakashi explained to Tazuna. “It’s one less unknown we have to worry about. In the meantime, we should be ready for him when he shows up. Naruto, Sakura, Sai… I’m stepping up your training.”

“So to like what, are you going to teach us Water Walking?” Naruto asked. They had already covered Chakra Control basics after passing their test with Kakashi, and could already walk up and down vertical and inverted surfaces pretty well.

Kakashi nodded. “Precisely, being able to walk on water could be an important advantage coming in against Zabuza and the better you can control all of that chakra you have, Naruto, the better.”

Sai gave Naruto a look at that, as the boy grinned. “You’re actually excited about the prospect of fighting Zabuza again, aren’t you?”

“Kind of!” Naruto replied. “Learning some new tricks, fighting against a really strong guy, and bringing a corrupt industry to its knees at the will of the people… it’s going to be awesome!”

“Hell yeah, comrade!” Sakura cheered as she and Naruto shared a fist bump. Almost on cue, a very small, bitter voice cut through the anticipation and excitement.

“You’re all going to die.”

Everyone looked towards the person who spoke, and found it was a little boy probably no more than seven or eight in dark overalls and a stupid hat.

Naruto blinked. “Uh… what?”

Sai stared at the child, and then to Sakura. “This must be Tsunami’s bastard.”

“Do you even think about what you say?” Sakura asked after punching Sai in the head.

“Excuse him,” Naruto said to the boy, “He doesn’t have a filter, or tact, or anything resembling social skills. I’m Naruto Uzumaki, and this is Sakura and that’s Sai!”

When the boy didn’t reply, Tazuna introduced him properly. “This is my grandson, Inari.” He then turned to Inari. “Inari these are the Ninja who helped protect me.”

Naruto nodded and he spun up to his feet before bringing his fingers up to the sides of his glasses and smartly adjusting them. “… And we’re the same Ninja that are going to crush Gateau into the dirt, believe it!”

Inari looked up at Naruto. “There’s no way you can win against Gateau. You’re all going to die if you stay here, so you may as well leave and save yourselves.”

Awkward silence fell as Inari turned and walked out of the room, after mumbling something about going to look at the ocean. Naruto dropped his hand to one side, and then looked to Tazuna and Tsunami, pleading for an explanation, exposition, anything. Tazuna looked to Tsunami, who closed her eyes and nodded consent before he explained.

“You see, there was a man named Kaiza who became part of our family, he was a great man whom the entire village looked up to as a hero and leader. Thanks to him, Inari had a Father, and the town we live in avoided being washed away in a terrible flood. He was a dreamer and a kind-hearted spirit–truly he was a super guy,” Tazuna explained.

Sai then spoke. “And then Gateau killed him and broke your spirits.”

Everyone looked at Sai, who elaborated. “Well, he’s not here, therefore one can assume…”

“You know what, kid? You are a super asshole,” Tazuna said to Sai, as his callous observation made Tsunami weepy.

“Thank you!” Sakura said emphatically.

Naruto snorted. “So, Gateau kills this guy and everyone lost their courage to stand up to him?”

“Yes… Wave Country doesn’t believe in courage anymore. The only hope we have is the bridge, and even then people don’t believe it can happen,” Tazuna went on.

“Understandable. Gateau could just blow up the bridge when you’re done. Or he can blow it up now, or at any time really,” Sai observed.

Sakura nodded. “He’s right you know.”

“He could do all that, but he won’t,” Naruto declared, “All right Kakashi, let’s get started with this training of yours! I’m going to show that little crybaby, this whole village full of crybabies, that heroes always come back!”

Sakura jumped up to her feet. “Shannaro! I’m with you two hundred percent, Naruto!”

Sai got up as well, his smile present. “Your energy is infectious.”

Outside the room, out of sight, Inari sniffled as he heard Naruto’s boast. How utterly futile, is this how ninja were?


Six days later, Naruto was asleep at the edge of the pond that had been the site of their water-walking practice. It was a good choice because not only was it a nice secluded spot, there were plenty of helpful and edible plants identified by Sakura that they could make use of as they trained away from Tazuna’s house–especially some medicinal plants for the injuries accrued over the course of their training.

Sai seemed to have already had experience with water-walking, so he served mainly as a tutor doing what Kakashi could not. Sakura, however, had mastered water walking by the third day of training, and Naruto had been out here on his own, living off the land and sticking to a vigorous training regimen to build up his chakra control. So far, it was beginning to show results.

He however was not alone, dressed in a pink kimono and a basket on his arm, the androgynous and effeminate Haku was drawn to that very area, in search of medicinal herbs for the sake of getting Zabuza back to a hundred percent. He did not expect to find one of the ninja guarding Tazuna just lying out in the middle of the woods, perfectly vulnerable.

“Odd… he’s just out here, is he lost? No, his state… he must be training,” Haku mused as he knelt down next to where Naruto lay. A somewhat bitter thought flashed through his mind. “He was the one who cut Zabuza’s face.”

He could break his neck right here; it’d make Zabuza dealing with Kakashi easier later on, and meant taking care of Gateau when the Tazuna job was over even easier. With that in mind, he reached for his neck. ”A clean, smooth break, he won’t even feel it.”

On second thought, there was no need for it, besides maybe he wasn’t alone? It would be better to just come off as a friendly civilian and… wait.

“You shouldn’t sneak up on a sleeping ninja.” Someone said as he held a kunai to Haku’s throat. Haku froze, and then slowly held up his hands.

“I’m sorry; I was just going to wake...” He looked back and saw that it was Naruto standing behind him with the weapon to his neck. He looked back down at the sleeping boy, a clone standing watch, could he chance it? “… Him up…”

The clone, hearing that, lowered the kunai. “Well… in that case you should just get out of here-”

A senbon drove through the clone’s heart, and it had just begun to dispel when two more of the needles plunged into the sleeping Naruto’s heart, causing him to gasp out, before he expired.

Haku removed the needles swiftly and rose to his feet. Well that went well, though he really hadn’t wanted to kill him. “I’m sorry; I was merely doing my duty.”

“I understand,” Naruto’s voice called from above Haku’s head, “We’re all ninja here, aren’t we?”

The last thing Haku saw was an avalanche of orange as the sleeping Naruto he killed turned into a log.

Back at Tazuna’s house a half hour later, Naruto was all grins as he presented his immobilized and secured bounty–he had even been gagged to prevent biting off his own tongue. Standing over him, Kakashi examined the senbon that Naruto had frisked off the boy’s body, among other tools and concealed weapons. For his merit, Haku was glaring pretty rigidly at Team Seven.

“I have to hand it to you, Naruto that was pretty crafty,” Kakashi replied, “Coming across Zabuza’s partner was pure luck, capturing him on your own was something else entirely.”

Naruto shrugged his shoulders. “Eh, I thought he was just some local girl at first, but then he actually tried to kill me so I acted–didn’t think he was that Hunter-nin until I saw the needles he used.”

“Wait, that’s a guy?” Sakura asked as he stared at the roughed up but otherwise unblemished Haku’s face. He was cuter than she was, not that she’d admit it.

Naruto nodded, and then made a palm-up hand gesture like he was fondling something. “Found that out while I was frisking him, you know?”

Blushing, Haku looked away. His hands had been so rough, and yet so…

Sakura bit her lower lip, and some blood threatened to trickle from her nose. “How thoroughly did you search?”

Naruto grew smug. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would,” Sai said, “Also I would like to see proof that he is a boy, no one that pretty can have a penis.”

He looked to Sakura. Naruto rolled his eyes and got ready, here it comes… “On the other hand, someone that ugly can have a vagina, so I guess it is possible.”

Naruto actually had to brace himself after Sakura collided with him, in an effort to keep Sai alive. She eschewed words for violent growls and other sounds of aggression as she frothed voluminously at the mouth. The sight of Sakura in this state actually frightened Haku, and he whimpered in complete terror of the savage girl.

“So we caught his little assistant, what happens next?” Tazuna asked.

“Well, a guy like him is a Jounin from Mist; he’s not going to care if we use him as a hostage,” Kakashi replied, “Furthermore, our job wasn’t to apprehend these ninja, but protect you and the bridge.”

At that, Haku perked up and stared at the team. Kakashi stroked his chin, and then hummed as he had an idea. “I think we can solve a lot of our problems all at once, even Zabuza’s.”

Naruto, Sakura, and Sai stared at Kakashi. “Zabuza’s problem?”

“Yes,” Kakashi replied, “After all, Zabuza’s no villain… he’s a ninja just like us doing his job, and he’s got his own agenda.”

Sai looked between Kakashi and their prisoner, and took quiet note of it. What were these ninja up to?

Naruto quickly saw what was coming, and smiled to Sakura, who returned the smile. Whatever Kakashi’s plan was, it was going to be awesome! As Kakashi sat down and began to draw up his plan with the rest of the household, Inari quietly listened from the hallway.

“… It’s useless, you guys can’t win against Gateau,” he whispered as he thought of his Father.


Two days later, Team Seven and Tazuna departed for the bridge under a bit of a cloud. The night before last, Inari had run away from home without any warning. A spirited search from the team turned up nothing, and everyone expected the worst. Gateau’s men had likely kidnapped him, or his frustration with Team Seven’s boundless optimism pushed him into just leaving and going into town.

Nevertheless, they left as scheduled and hoped that by the end of the day, Inari would be home and with his family. Present with them, still bound and gagged, was Haku–who actually was onboard for the plan but understood the necessity of maintaining appearances, he was a ninja after all.

When they arrived at the bridge, they were met by a thick mist and the shadowy figure of Zabuza, back on his feet and looking pretty pissed–even more when he found Haku in their possession. “You even caught Haku, pretty impressive Kakashi.”

“Hey idiot, Kakashi didn’t do anything!” Naruto taunted. “You’re looking at the guy who captured him, right here!”

Staring down at the kid, Zabuza let out a chuckle. “So it would seem that I underestimated you again, didn’t I brat? I feel a little bad that I’m going to take you apart before I get to write you in my Bingo Book.”

Sakura and Sai tensed up, as did Naruto as they readied for his attack, staying close to Tazuna as instructed. Kakashi then raised his hand. “Now, now, there’s no need for that, Zabuza. We’re not here to fight you; we’re here to strike a deal.”

Zabuza stared at Kakashi. “What are you getting at?”

“I know why you’re on the run, Zabuza, and I know that you have a pretty impressive bounty on your head over in Kirigakure. However, I was not hired to deal with guys like you. You see, this was as far as I was told a C-Rank mission and I’m not getting paid for my troubles, so you understand my unwillingness to fight you,” Kakashi explained.

“Yeah,” Zabuza said, “I can see where you’d have a problem with that. So what’s your counteroffer to me killing the bridge builder?”

“You’re looking for investment capital to fund your revolution in Kirigakure,” Kakashi explained, “What if I told you that the wealth this bridge brings could be yours and you could hold it all as Kage of the Village Hidden in the Mangroves?”

The attention of Zabuza’s ambition was captured like Haku, and the swordsman raised a barely visible eyebrow. “Namikage, huh?”

Tazuna nodded. “This country is small, however it will be super prosperous when this bridge is completed, and it is full of able bodied people looking for work and willing to fight if they have something worth believing in. If you turn against Gateau and help us, Zabuza, you can be guaranteed an army and more than a small share of any profit the bridge will bring.”

“Absolutely, and in exchange for any and all cooperation, Konoha may be a little willing to help you with any unpleasantness involving your old village…”

Zabuza grinned behind his mask. “My, my Kakashi… that certainly sounds like a generous deal. I’m curious however, what do you get out of it?”

Kakashi set down Haku. “This one, and his Bloodline Limit. We’ll share any viable offspring back with you, but we’d like a few Ice Limit holders of our own.”

At that, Haku blushed. To be used in such a way… it was almost risqué.

Zabuza let out a laugh, and folded his arms. “You want to put him out to stud, huh? Sounds fine to me, but I want him back undamaged, got it?”

“You have my assurances that no harm will come to him,” Kakashi said. “We’d be allies after all, wouldn’t we?”

Zabuza nodded. “Yeah, whatever, can’t say that I was expecting this… but it’s certainly not unwelcome.” He then turned to Tazuna. “I’m not after your head anymore, bridge builder; you’ve just managed to sweeten the pot enough.”

Tazuna sagged in relief, as Sakura and Naruto broke into celebratory cheers. Sai was smiling as well as Naruto draped an arm over his shoulder. Who would’ve thought a meager C-Rank mission would turn into something so interesting?

Zabuza walked over to Tazuna, and the two exchanged a handshake under Kakashi’s watchful eyes just in case. It was in the midst of that handshake, when someone called out from the mist near the end of the bridge.

“You’re going to betray me here, Zabuza?” a short older man in a suit asked as the mist withdrew to reveal him. “I suppose it’s fair in the end, I had no intention of paying you anyway.”

Zabuza narrowed his eyes at the sunglasses wearing man. “Is that so?”

“My plan was to let all you little ninja wear yourselves out fighting and kill you with numbers.” The mist cleared behind the man, revealing hundreds of men armed with everything from swords to spears and everything in between. “I was going to be here a little later… but then I got wind of Kakashi’s little plan.”

“Got wind of it?” Sakura asked. “But how…?”

Sakura trailed off and joined the rest of Team Seven in surprise when Inari stepped from behind the man, his head bowed down. Tazuna gasped in disbelief. “Inari, what are you doing with that man, get away from him!”

“No, Grandpa! It’s… it’s all over,” Inari called back.

“You sold us out to Gateau?” Naruto shouted at Inari, he was furious. “I can’t believe it!”

“This little one, he understands the reality of this situation, that no matter what I always win and-” He stopped. “Wait… what did you call me?”

“Gateau, isn’t that your name?” Sakura asked, and the man grew red in the face.

“It’s Gato.”

“What?” Sakura asked.

“I said it’s Gato you little punks! All because of that God damned Kaiza everyone’s been calling me Gateau! It’s Gato! Not God damned chocolate!”

Naruto looked over to Tazuna. “Seriously?”

“Yes, Gateau had that man killed simply because he jokingly referred to him by that name to his face. Since then, the rest of the village has taken to calling him that as a form of defiance… it’s something that Inari wouldn’t understand…” Tazuna explained.

Naruto looked back over at the kid, and bristled. “So that’s it, are you so afraid of Gateau that you would sell your own family out?!”

“It’s Gato!” Gato yelled.

“Gateau’s stronger than all of you! There’s no way you can win against him so why bother!” Inari shouted back.

“It’s Gato, you damn brat!” Gato affirmed.

Naruto grew even angrier. “You really believe that siding with Gateau is the answer then?! You piece of garbage, you just betrayed everything your Father stood for!”

Inari recoiled at that, and Kakashi raised his arm to stop Naruto, as Gato spoke up. “That’s enough! I’m tired of hearing you shits mock me!”

He gestured to his men. “Kill every single one of them, especially the old man! I want to drag his body through the streets as a final lesson to anyone who dares go up against Gato!”

As the thugs cheered, Inari looked down at the ground again, tears beginning to form in his eyes. This was for the best! If his Father couldn’t beat Gateau, who were they to try? What gave them any right to hope? “I’m sorry… Grandpa… but they have to see how hopeless it is.”

“You know,” Kakashi then said as he cut Haku free from his bonds and handed him the kunai he used to do it, “I was expecting this to be a secret agreement between you, Tazuna, and ourselves.”

Humming, Zabuza reached up and grasped the hilt of his sword. “Is that right?”

Gato paused when he saw how nonchalant Kakashi and Zabuza were. Naruto had drawn a few Kunai, and Sakura had begun cracking her knuckles while Sai produced an art brush and scroll.

Kakashi nodded. “Yes. There weren’t supposed to be any witnesses to our deal, and suddenly we have far too many.”

“You know, I think I like where this is going,” Zabuza said as he drew his sword and pointed it squarely at Gato.

He then looked back at Tazuna. “Hey bridge builder, I hope you don’t mind but we’re going to get a bit of blood all over your hard work.”

Tazuna looked from Zabuza to Gato and then Inari. “Just don’t kill my grandson.”

The men Gato had assembled stared at the group of ninja now walking towards them, and suddenly they could feel the murderous intent rising off them as a collective group, like a demonic beast baring its fearsome teeth at them. It was then that the group, Gato included, collectively realized that they were about to fight Kakashi Hatake and Zabuza Momochi as a team, and fear swept across them like the waves the country took its name from.

Dropping his cane, Gato stepped back, and began to tremble when he saw the joy that seemed to light up the features of both Kakashi and Zabuza. Seeing Gato’s reaction for himself, Inari looked to Naruto, who returned the gaze.

“It’s time for you to see why cowards are always wrong,” Naruto said angrily, before the entire group became a blur and rushed them.


By the end of the day, Gato and his men were dead, and Wave Country was free. With the shackles of corporate oppression freed, the village that was constructing the bridge could truly celebrate and they in fact did. By sunset, every scrap of food they could find was brought out, lights were put on, and the biggest party Wave Country ever saw was getting underway. In the center of the festivities were the heroes of the day, Team Seven.

“Come on Sai go ahead and eat!” Naruto said, “We did well today. The mission to protect Tazuna should be super smooth sailing from here on in.”

Sai smiled to Naruto and rather than say anything he began to eat. His report to ROOT about this mission should have some interesting reactions from Danzo. Two spots over, Sakura got cozy to Haku, who was graciously accepting a meal from Tsunami.

“So, you have an Ice Bloodline Limit, huh? Those are exceptionally rare…” Sakura said between sips from a glass of something that smelled strongly alcoholic.

Haku put on a sad smile. “I’m glad you can find it so interesting, I have a painful history with it.”

Sakura put her arm around Haku and cuddled closer to him. “Well, don’t you worry; Konoha has plenty of Bloodline Limit holders so you won’t be ostracized. In fact, I personally find that the special snowflakes get me kind of hot.”

Naruto overheard that, and felt the urge to punch Sakura.

Haku returned a smile. “Well, please don’t melt me, Sakura-san.”

Now Naruto wanted to punch Haku, too.

Tsunami found the pun exchange rather endearing, and then looked around to Kakashi and Zabuza, who were both having their fair share of beer. How did Kakashi drink it through his mask? “Kakashi-sensei… you did say that Inari was fine, didn’t you?”

Kakashi nodded. “Yes, Tazuna said he’d be watching the ocean for a little while longer while he and the men cleaned up over there.”

Zabuza snickered into his mug of beer, clean up indeed. Smiling, Tsunami looked out over towards the bridge and the horizon it extended off into. “I wish Kaiza could see this day… I know Inari must be just as happy.”

Team Seven became oddly quiet.


At the other end of the bridge, Tazuna’s workers gleefully took to the task of gathering up the butchered remains of the hundreds slain by Team Seven and Zabuza, and dumping them over into barges for burning. Not a single man survived the ninja who set upon them, with Gato being the last to die, despite his efforts to use Inari as a human shield. He lay on the bridge he lost everything to prevent completion, his head partially decapitated and his chest and arms full of kunai.

Inari, his overalls and stupid hat drenched in the blood of the men slaughtered at the bridge, stared down at Gato’s fixed open eyes, unable to move at all. He had been a coward all along, and in the end when things were finally changing… he turned against his own family. In his greatest moment of despair, he had wanted Gato to win, because he was afraid to have some courage.

Turning his head, he spotted his Grandfather, overseeing the cleanup with a beer in hand. When he saw Inari look at him, however, the bridge builder looked away. None of the other workers, whom Inari knew by name, would look at him either… they knew what he did, and what the cost of betrayal was.

Inari looked back down at Gato, and then looked back out at the ocean. If his Father were alive, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t look at him, either.


= = =


Wave Country, DONE.