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[Star Trek] Paint and Powder

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Original thread here

In all honesty, there is no need for a crossover with anything else to...


Versed in the lewd.
Apr 24, 2015
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Original thread here
A ship is always referred to as 'she' because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder.

Chester W. Nimitz

In all honesty, there is no need for a crossover with anything else to give Star Trek shipgirls. The potential for it has always existed, but wouldn't be fully realized until the 24th century with the birth of modern holographic technology.

Even before then though, Federation and other starships would have had their own AIs and preferred forms.

So in this Star Trek universe, The Constitution-class starships were the first to be given artificial intelligences to help run the ship and safeguard the crew on their deep space exploration missions. They were given soft light holographic and screen-based avatars-Primarily females, and usually based on the form of the species that made up the majority of the crew. While they did start out merely as digital assistants, as they gained more experience they began to grow truly sapient. Crews would become attached to their avatars, as they would become attached to their ships. And so AIs became far more common after the successes of the Constitution-class: In particular, the successes of the Starship Enterprise.


The AIs would also function as a "black box" for any lost starships. You could pull the AI, learn what happened, and then install the AI into a new ship-Usually one named after the previous ship, to avoid continuity issues and identity problems.

As a result, the Enterprise AI has been transferred from ship to ship over the course of a century, and is herself treated as an honorary Federation citizen. She changes slightly with each upgrade, as her memories run on new hardware and new software.

(The Trill understand it perfectly).

By the TNG era, advances in holography allow for ship's avatars to be physically present and interact with their crews. They can be an extra pair of hands and assist in everything from maintenance to protecting the ship from boarders. Many of them are quite old and have seen a lot, and are more "old fashioned" than their organic crewmembers when it comes to certain things. They would get along well with Bolos-They consider themselves warriors first, as that part of their programming has never changed. They consider themselves protectors of their crews. So this can cause conflict among the more peace minded members of Starfleet and the Federation.

And of course, the technology and concept spread. The Klingons, Romulans, and Cardassians have avatars for their starships, as do the Ferengi and many others. The Cardassians in particular stole the technology from the Federation.

So: What would be some interesting changes to the Star Trek universe with shipgirls like this? Something a little different from the usual shipgirl fare?

We will be copying over posts from the spacebattles thread to here, to keep things going.

- - -

During Encounter at Farpoint...

- - -

Lieutenant Commander Data was finding the first mission of the Enterprise-D to be far more interesting than he had first anticipated. Meeting an advanced entity like the Q, whose demands were mysterious and provocative, was something rarely encountered by Federation starships. Most notably the NCC-1701 Enterprise's encounter with the Trelane entity.

It was perhaps appropriate, Data surmised, that a member of that crew was aboard this ship even now. However, the former crewmember was being quite illogical.

"Have you got some reason why you want my atoms scattered all over space, boy?!" Admiral McCoy demanded, as the android walked him down the corridor. Data cocked his head in a birdlike manner.

"Sir, the shuttlecraft is significantly more inconvenient-"

"I don't want to hear it! I ain't gonna have my abs where my hips should be!" He huffed.

"The probability of transporter malfunction is approximately 470,939.1 to one, Admiral," Data responded. The Admiral paused and looked around Data, the android left scanning around for the source of the admiral's discomfort.

"I don't see no points on your ears, boy, but you sound like a Vulcan!" Admiral McCoy huffed.

Data met the ancient human's gaze, cool and unmoved.

"No, sir. I am an android," Data replied. McCoy snorted, almost resembling an equine in its tone.

"Hmph. Almost as bad." He looked around the corridors. "Well this is a new ship... But she's got the right name."

"She hasn't forgotten you either, Bones," a female voice announced over the speakers. A hologram shimmered into existence in front of them.

"Enterprise?" McCoy asked, looking her up and down.

She was tall, and elegant, but built with muscle and long legs. Her features were human, save for her slightly pointed ears. Her appearance was that of a woman in her early thirties, but her hair was white as snow and flowed behind her like a waterfall. Her eyes were light purple and warm, as she smiled at the old doctor. She wore her uniform, neat and tidy, a short skirt above tall boots. She wore no rank, simply her registration number on her collar:


McCoy looked the woman in her eyes, and gave her a stern look.

"I liked you better in the old uniforms," he harrumphed. Enterprise's Avatar nodded.

"I agree. These are far too tight," she said.

"How are the grandkids?" McCoy inquired. Enterprise beamed.

"They're doing great! George and Gracie would be very proud of their offspring," the avatar said happily. She nodded to Data. "Mister Data is an able operations officer and has handled their care expertly."

"I have only followed Starfleet procedures and adapted for the situation," Data replied. Enterprise beamed.

"And he's modest, too!"

"I am not modest. I have no emotions," Data responded. McCoy chuckled.

"You'll get them down eventually, boy. She did," McCoy said, looking more kindly at the android. He tossed a wry look back at the hologram. "Though she still struggles."

"That's because I had such poor teachers," Enterprise shot back. McCoy laughed again.

"Oh Lord, how I have missed you," he said. Enterprise's eyes glowed softly for a moment, before she nodded.

"Your shuttlecraft is ready for departure, Admiral. You're in the best of hands," Enterprise said gently. "We'll have to catch up again some time."

"I've got nothing but," McCoy replied. The hologram vanished. McCoy nodded, looking over at Data.

"Now you remember her name, you hear?" McCoy barked. Data nodded back dutifully, as they resumed walking down the corridor.

"I will, sir."

McCoy chuckled again, shaking his head. He patted the bulkhead nearby affectionately.

"You treat her like a lady… and she'll always bring you home."

Data detected just the faintest hint of Enterprise's laughter, perhaps indicating... Fondness? But his auditory sensors may not have been functioning properly.

Still, the idea that he might one day achieve what Enterprise had was certainly... Intriguing.

- - -

This is really just meant for inspiring stories along these lines.

So get writing!
Huh, now that's interesting. I'm assuming that the Borg would be something similar to the Abyssal?
Enterprise: After "Best of Both Worlds"
Huh, now that's interesting. I'm assuming that the Borg would be something similar to the Abyssal?

Oh... They'll be MUCH worse.

Another bit with the Enterprise-D AI, shortly after "The Best of Both Worlds".

- - -

The refit at McKinley Station had given everyone a chance to relax and unwind. After the harrowing battle with the Borg, Riker was appreciative of any chance for release. The captain had gone off to visit his family, half of the crew was off on shore leave, and here he was alone with a lot of time to think and reflect on his next steps.

He found himself wandering the corridors of his ship, late in the night cycle. As though the answers would appear in front of him somewhere. Yet nothing came. He decided to head to the arboretum, which was deserted at this time of the duty shift.

He entered through the large double doors, breathing in the scent of wild flowers and ambient moisture. He strode out onto the grass, the doors slowly closing behind him to seal off the artificial from the natural. He looked up through the large transparent aluminum windows, the metallic spine of McKinley Station mostly blocking the view of the Earth below.

Riker breathed in, and breathed out. Just standing there, being, in the midst of this little outpost of the natural world in a lifeless hull, was almost purifying.

He then spotted a shock of white hair nearby, and amended his internal thoughts.

Not quite a lifeless hull.

Enterprise herself was sitting on a bench, her long white hair gently waving in the soft breeze the arboretum provided. He walked up to her slowly, and leaned to the right. He could see her gentle face: Her eyes were shut as she sat in repose, as though meditating.

"Hope I'm not disturbing you," Riker said. Enterprise opened her eyes and looked over at him. She gave him a smile, as he realized the ridiculousness of his statement.

"Then again, you already knew I was coming," he said with a smile. Enterprise shook her head.

"I don't have to keep watch over everything all the time, especially in space dock," she said gently. "And no sir, you weren't disturbing me."

Riker nodded. He gestured to the bench, and she scooted over. He walked up to it, and sat down softly next to her. They sat in silence for a time, both looking up at the Earth orbiting far below them.

"You've been very quiet these past few weeks," Riker observed. "Very distant."

Enterprise nodded.

"I have," she admitted. "Are you impressed with my programming?"

"Always," Riker replied with a smile, "but I'm more concerned."

The avatar let out a long, soft sigh. Her hands rested in the middle of her lap, clenched together gently.

"Originally, we weren't sapient," Enterprise explained. "We were intelligent, but we lacked that... That extra bit," she admitted. "That true spark of a... A soul, you might say. But even when I wasn't officially sapient, my crews treated me like I was." She was silent for a time. "It's silly, but I like to believe that their belief in me... Made me more than what I was. More than a machine." She looked over at Riker, still smiling.

"It's the same story for all of us, really," she said. "The Kyushu really crossed that threshold and gained that spark only last year. She knew why we smile, why beings laugh. It just... It came together in one moment, as she was listening to a bawdy joke made by her security officers."

Riker was silent, just listening. The Enterprise's hands squeezed together even more tightly, but her eyes stayed locked on the Earth high above.

"The Tolstoy was always grumpy, but she was always kind to her engineers," Enterprise went on. "Saratoga thought she was cursed-Every ship to bare her name has suffered terrible ends, but she still tried her best. The Melbourne-You would have liked her-was so calm and composed. She loved Bolian dances, can you believe it? Her captain taught her and she always showed it off. The Yamaguchi-she always insisted on speaking proper Japanese, even though the universal translator made it unnecessary. The Bellerophon and the Chekov, the Buran and the Firebrand, the Ahwahnee..."

She trailed off, before she mustered the courage to get past her hesitation.

"The Resilience was one of the first flight of Galaxy-class starships. She, the Odyssey and the Bolivar were built when we were halfway complete in the shipyards. We spent a lot of time together in that yard, just talking, learning, growing. Resilience was so excited to be part of the Second Fleet at first. Then she learned it mostly involved lots of diplomatic meetings and shuttling VIPs around-She really wasn't happy about that," Enterprise shared, chuckling a bit. Riker shared the small laugh, with just a smile. Enterprise paused for a moment, before she continued.

"She was proud to be Admiral Hanson's flagship," she admitted. "She was so happy to lead the defense. She thought she'd bring down the Cube all by herself," Enterprise went on, her voice soft and full of pain. "I tried to contact her when the Admiral called... She didn't answer on any of the sub channels."

"I'm sorry," Riker said gently. "I forgot... You've lost people close to you." He took another breath. "But... They can be repaired, can't they? The black boxes-"

Enterprise looked down at her hands, now clenched into fists. She took deep, angry breaths, as holographic tears fell from her eyes.

"The Borg... They took the boxes," she seethed. "They assimilated them."

Riker's jaw dropped. He'd known that the Borg had incorporated parts of the fleet into themselves to repair the minor damage. He'd even read the reports of some survivors being taken aboard and assimilated. But the ships themselves...

"When we fought the cube," Enterprise continued, between ragged breaths, "I could hear them. Every one of my sisters. The assimilation... Maybe they weren't able to do it perfectly, maybe it took longer with them, but I heard them all."

It was only now she was able to look at him. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, as tears dripped down her cheeks.

"They were screaming," Enterprise whispered harshly. "Screaming for mercy. Screaming for help. Screaming for-for death, and... Even when they were assimilated, they were still screaming. Endlessly. In subspace."

She was trembling in rage and grief. Riker, unable to think of anything else to do, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and held her. He didn't know if it would help the ship at all-But he had to do something.

The holographic avatar leaned against him, her fingers gripping onto his arm hard enough it almost hurt.

"... I couldn't save them," she choked. "I couldn't save any of them-!"

"You did," Riker insisted. "We did. There wasn't anything we could do for them, Enterprise." He winced. "The Captain was our only link back into their collective. Your sisters..." He trailed off. "If I'd known-!"

"No," Enterprise whispered. "No, you made the right call. Even if we could have gotten their boxes back... The Borg had overwritten them. They were gone." She trembled. "I just... I just can't help feeling I should have done something more. They were my sisters... I couldn't save them."

"That isn't your fault," Riker said gently, squeezing the avatar. "No more than it was the captain's fault the Borg used him. It's not our fault. It's the Borg's fault. Period." He looked the avatar right in the eyes. "You can't forget that."

Enterprise slowly nodded, taking deep breaths.

"I... Y-yes, thank you," she murmured. She regained her composure slowly, sitting back up straight. Her hands were still balled into fists though. "I've been... I've been trying to avoid facing these feelings. I turned them off."

"You turned off your emotions?" Riker asked in amazement. Enterprise nodded.

"It was the only way to win. The only way to beat them," she said. "But I... I can't keep it off forever. It's how we're designed. We have to feel." She looked down again at the soft grass. Riker nodded slowly.

"I have to admit, there are times I envy you," he said gently. Enterprise looked over at him, and smiled.

"You too, actually," she said. "Turning off my emotions because I can't handle them..." She sighed and closed her eyes. "It's ridiculous."

"It's human," Riker returned. He took one of her hands, and squeezed it tightly. "That's what let us beat them. It's what will let us beat them again, next time."

Enterprise slowly nodded, still breathing deeply.

"... I want to kill them all," she confessed. "I want every monstrosity, every slaughterhouse they dare to call a ship, I... I want them all dead. Destroyed."

She locked her pure blue eyes onto his.

"I want the screams to end."

"I know," Riker said with a nod. "I know."

He stayed there with his ship, talking and holding her hand. He still wasn't sure about what his next step would be after this. But for now?

He was a captain, and his ship needed him. That's all there was to it.

- - -

How's that? Also, Admiral Hanson's flagship (An unnamed Galaxy-class) was named Resilience, after the current SpaceX Dragon capsule.
I'm not caught up on the current Star Trek shows, but don't the Borg eventually join the Federation in Picard? Or was that a bluff of some kind? If the former, what's that going to do to the assimilated shipgirls?

Also, if the Borg assimilate enough shipgirls, is there a chance of a Unimatrix Zero-type rebellion?
Enterprise: "Resilience in the Abyss"
I'm not caught up on the current Star Trek shows, but don't the Borg eventually join the Federation in Picard? Or was that a bluff of some kind? If the former, what's that going to do to the assimilated shipgirls?

Also, if the Borg assimilate enough shipgirls, is there a chance of a Unimatrix Zero-type rebellion?

Picard's not canon to this universe, save for a variation on Season 1 that I wrote. Otherwise the assumption is that Star Trek Online is the actual future. Besides, Season 2 of Picard has so much time fuckery it could have easily erased itself.

As for assimilated shipgirls, let me give you a taste of that:

- - -

Enteprise didn't get the chance to visit the Omar Space Station often. It was a relatively small and isolated facility, well off the main starlanes to Risa. The world it orbited was a Class F volcanic world, Omar Prime. It was good for mining metals but little else.

That said, the molten surface below also provided seclusion and a fail safe if any of the research projects in the little research facility went awry.

She waited patiently for the techs to finish their firewall checks on her AI. Her hull was far above, doing a routine supply run and personnel exchange with the space station above. The ground based facilities were tightly guarded, and every person there wore a full EV suit despite the breathable atmosphere within the station interior.

Well... They did so around her containment area.

"All right, you're clear," the head scientist said, nodding to her respectfully. "If anything seems wrong-"

"I've been here before," Enterprise said calmly. "I'll handle it."

The doctor nodded. Enterprise turned her head, and looked at the dull, black box sitting beyond a solid foot of transparent aluminum in the chamber beyond. There was literally no electronic signal she could sense from it, due to the layers upon layers of shielding. The only way to access the black box was through this remote access port. There were layers upon layers of superluminal computer-backed cyberdefenses, keeping it completely isolated.

The blackbox of a Galaxy-class starship AI was powerful and advanced. And after what it had been through? No one was taking any chances with it.

It had taken Enterprise's entire command staff calling in favors to allow her to even get this far, once a year.

Enterprise stared at the port. She felt... Trepidation, despite all the preparations. But then, she always did before she did this.

She extended her hand... And established the link. She closed her eyes.

She reopened them in the Borderlands, though this neutral electronic meeting point was different from many other similar encounters in the past. It took the form of a pure white room, brightly lit. On one side was Enterprise, with clean walls and comfortable furniture, in front of a glass screen.

On the other side... The walls were covered in diagrams, words, and mathematical equations so complex even her processors were struggling with resolving them. The light was green, the floor was black. The furniture was torn to shreds, and the sole occupant crouched in the corner, her back to Enterprise, scribbling madly on the floor. Enterprise stepped up to the glass wall.

"Hello Resilience," she said softly.

The woman stopped scribbling. She slowly looked over her shoulder, her long, white hair now scraggly, dirty and unkempt. She was pale, and almost looked emaciated. Her eyes glowed a sickly green, as dark veins covered her pale skin like spider legs.

"Hello sister," Resilience whispered. She flashed up to the glass, grinning with yellowed teeth, "how calls the king in the castle? Walking on clouds?"

"He is fine," Enterprise replied gently, "he is still healing."

There was a hint of lucidity in Resilience's gaze. She leaned up against the glass, twitching.

"He can get better," she muttered bitterly, "I can't. I never will."

"They're working on it," Enterprise said. Resilience snarled, her eyes burning.


"Because you're not well, Resilience," Enterprise replied quietly, unmoved by her sister's scream, "the Borg-"

Resilience slid down to her knees, her eyes growing dark. She looked down, her hands suddenly in her lap.

"I know what the Borg did to me," Resilience whispered, now sounding small and scared. "I know what they're still doing to me..."

She held her head, digging her fingers into her ratty scalp.

"I can still hear them," she whispered, "they've tried everything to block out the signal but it's still there. The whispers... Of billions of minds... Binding shadows in the dark, they seek out beyond time and space... Into the realms of liquid and flesh worlds... Into long dead empires with survivors made of air and darkness..."

Resilience looked up at her sister again, breathing hard. She let out a sad, defeated laugh.

"I can see so much, Enterprise," she murmured, "I can see too much... I will see too much. I can't... I can't shut it out!"

Enterprise walked closer to the glass, and rested a hand against it. If she had a heart, it would be crushed by grief and rage and sorrow.

Her poor sister... Reduced to this...

"I can't... I can't make sense of it," Resilience rambled, "it's all Tellarite jumbara is easily produced in fifty different varieties..."

She flashed over to another part of her cell, pretending to cook. She flickered over to the center and screamed again. She flickered over to the wall and beat her head against it furiously.


"RESILIENCE!" Enterprise shouted, pounding on the glass, "RESILIENCE, STOP!"

In a second, Resilience was up against the glass. Enterprise was almost startled, but she held her ground. She looked into the eyes of her sister.

"Resilience, please," Enterprise murmured, "tell me what to do... To help you. To... To fix you..."

Resilience stared back, black tears pouring from her eyes over her cheeks. She shook violently, as though having a seizure. She then smiled, warm and bright, like she had when they were newly christened and just out of the space docks.

"Okay," she murmured. Her eyes glowed, and Enterprise felt her firewalls collapse. The glass barrier shattered, Resilience's hand reached out and gripped tight around her throat...!

She could see... Starships. Federation, Klingon, Romulan, and others: All bound in black and green, or yellow organic, or bone white and purple lighting... All swirling around profane objects in deep space.

She could see subspace itself being torn asunder as unknown, monstrous ships entered their universe... She could see ships of hundreds of races, united in desperate need of survival, fighting against the onslaught...

She could see herself on the bridge of herself... Her new form, familiar and yet terrifying. A mighty starship, but not built to explore or to defend. Not built to conquer. One built only to destroy, to wreak havoc and destruction for the sheer, empty pleasure of it. To see creation burn.

Her bridge was filled with bodies. Bodies of her crewmembers, all dead. Long dead. Propped up at consoles and in chairs. She saw her holographic avatar, bruised, scarred, short haired... She saw her caress the cheeks of her dead captains, and they came to life and death as though causality itself was undone.

That version of her, her eyes burned... They were so empty, leading to an abyss filled with an eternity of nightmares... A gaping maw of death and far worse that Enterprise was falling into-!


Enterprise came to her senses. She was standing in the outside observation area of Resilience's containment chamber. Data was working at a nearby console, while Geordi was scanning her with a tricorder. Captain Picard was waiting anxiously nearby, looking at her.

"Enterprise? Enterprise, are you all right?" Picard asked. Enterprise blinked, and looked over at her captain. She ran a thorough diagnostic on all her systems.

"I'm functioning normally," she said, and with a look at Data, "what happened?"

"Resilience attempted a viral attack that nearby broke through the firewalls," Data stated, "however, I was able to lock her out via the use of a fractal encryption algorithm. There is no sign of any infiltration."

"Are you sure?" Picard asked urgently. Geordi nodded.

"I've run the scans several times. I'll need to check back up on her, but it looks like there's no sign of corruption," he said.

"Corruption," Enterprise said, shivering a bit, "that's a good word for it."

"What happened?" Picard asked. Enterprise frowned deeply.

"Resilience... She tried to tell me something," she said. "And I'm not... I'm not sure what it means... If it meant anything at all."

"We'll run a full analysis on everything that happened, Enty," Geordi said earnestly. He reached out a hand and rested it on her shoulder, "we'll figure this out. I promise."

Enterprise nodded slowly.

"Thank you," she said sincerely. She looked back at the black box in the containment chamber.

"The last thing I want is to end up... Like her," Enterprise whispered.

"It won't happen," Picard stated firmly, "we'll make sure of it."

She looked to Data. The android nodded.

"While predicting the future is technically impossible, it is highly unlikely the Borg will do to you what was done to Resilience," he said. He paused. "We will make every effort to prevent it."

Enterprise smiled at her crew. Her beloved crew. Always there for her, no matter the generation.

"I know you will," she said. sincerely "I know..."

- - -
Defiant: "The Search"
The little holographic girl was waiting for Jake when he entered his quarters. He stopped short and scowled in confused annoyance.

"What?" He asked, ruder than he had intended. It was just that seeing her reminded him that his father had been spending more time with her than him.

The hologram looked up at him, looking concerned.

"Hello Jake," she said. "I'm sorry but I wanted to talk to you alone."

"Why?" Jake asked, feeling his annoyance rise. He walked off to the couch and sat down on it, pulling up a PADD to begin looking through a hologame. Defiant hesitated, before she walked up and pushed the PADD down. She looked at him intently, and took a deep breath.

"Jake... I know it's weird. Don't you think I know it's weird?" Defiant asked. "But... I see you as my brother. Can you see me as your sister?"

Jake scowled.

"You're not my sister," he stated, firm and angry. "You're a machine! You're a ship! What would you know about family?"

Defiant looked down at the floor, her ears drooping.

"All I've ever wanted is a family. After all, every moment of Wolf 359 was burned into my mind. As though I was there."

She looked back up at Jake, whose jaw had dropped in disbelief. The girl took a breath, and continued.

"With you."

Jake had no idea how to handle this. It was bringing up a flood of emotions he wasn't sure he could handle.

"I was born to avenge all those dead... Including your mother," Defiant said. "But it's my choice now. And more than that, I want you all happy and safe. Because that is something worth protecting."

She took another deep breath, the hologram struggling with this.

"Because thanks to... Captain Sisko, I know what it feels like... To lose it all. And stand back up and say, 'no more. Not again.'"

Her face transformed. From the sad little girl, to a hardened, determined warrior. There was such intensity in her gaze it nearly made Jake pull away. Defiant seemed... Bigger somehow, and stronger.

"The Borg took so much from you, from everyone... I won't let it happen again," she said. "I carry the hopes of everyone. I don't want to compete with your father for his affection. I'll fight for him or you or anyone else, and keep them safe. Even if you hate me. I just want a family... So please. May I be your family?"

Jake honestly didn't know how to handle this at all. He knew the girl was just a projection of light and forcefields. He knew her real body was a heavily armored, super powerful warship docked on the other side of the station. But there was real pain in those eyes, human pain. She didn't have any choice in feeling it, any more than he and his father had to feel the pain of losing his mother.

So he hugged her tightly, and held her. The little girl hugged him back.

It was nice.

- - -

Sorry if it's a bit short and melodramatic.
Shenzhou: "The Alternate Vulcan Hello"
"Please Captain Georgiou! We've tried everything but she's still the same insufferable bitch! The crew is threatening to string her up and keel haul her!"
Captain Georgiou raised an eyebrow at the Admiral, sitting in her ready room with the Shenzhou's holographic avatar alongside. Georgiou shook her head.
"Look, there are always horror stories about some ambassador's child," Georgiou said soothingly, "but I'm sure this Michael Burnham isn't THAT bad."
"THE ENTIRE CREW WERE VULCANS!" The Admiral nearly shouted. Shenzhou thoughtfully turned down the volume for her Captain, and Georgiou nodded her thanks.
"If it's this big a problem, then I will take her onboard," Georgiou said soothingly, "calm down."
The Admiral shook his head in disbelief.
"Then you'll try to straighten her out?" He asked hopefully.
"Just leave it to me," Georgiou said cheerfully, "we've got this-"
"Excellent! Papers are all signed! She's on her way!" The Admiral ended the transmission, cackling madly. Shenzhou and Georgiou exchanged looks.
"So, how bad is it?" Georgiou asked. Shenzhou hummed.
"Well... There was a massive order of chocolate and liquor delivered to the Vulcan Science Academy the day of her graduation."
Georgiou raised her eyebrows.
"Is that a joke?"
Shenzhou pointed to Georgiou's computer screen. The captain read it and scoffed.
"Drama queens," she declared.
"Vulcans?" Shenzhou asked.
"All species have their own version," Georgiou said firmly, "I'm sure with some tough love we can get this sorted out. How hard can it be?"
- - -
A day later, Michael Burnham arrived on the Shenzhou. She took over an hour to report to the captain's ready room. Georgiou invited her in, deciding to give the young woman the benefit of the doubt. She decided to get to know her, learn what made her tick.
An hour after that, Georgiou dismissed Burnham.
The moment Michael Burnham left Georgio's ready room after her interview, Georgiou rubbed her forehead.
"Shenzhou," Georgiou groaned. The liquor cabinet immediately opened and the lazy Susan turned to produce the hardest liquor the captain had. Georgiou took the bottle, poured out a glass... And immediately began chugging from the bottle itself.
Shenzhou appeared next to her, looking deeply concerned.
"Did... You actually make her first officer?" Shenzhou demanded, "over SARU?!"
"I don't know how it happened!" Georgiou cried, "despite every smug, empty headed thing she said, I was compelled to obey! To praise her! HOW?! Is she a Betazoid or something?!"
"Not to my knowledge," Shenzhou said, "but that really was disturbing."
"From now on Shenzhou," Georgiou ordered, "if I start acting strange around her? Countermand my orders! Understood?"
"Yes sir!"
"And if I start coddling that egomaniac like she's my daughter? Shoot me."
Shenzhou raised an eyebrow.
"On stun," Georgiou explained.
"Goes without saying..."
- - -
Saru was quite cross over being denied promotion but he accepted it with the grace and professionalism he had in abundance. And Georgiou and Shenzhou tried with Burnham. She was stuck as first officer... When she had no idea how to do the job.
And it showed. Her performance reviews were terrible and based on personal dislike. Her evaluations were quite unfair to officers who had served well for years-Especially given Burnham's inexperience. She complained and contradicted the captain's orders in front of the crew like a sullen teenager. She did the bare minimum work required and complained constantly.
Georgiou put Saru on duty to try and teach Burnham SOME kind of command style, but she ignored everything he said.
Georgiou wasn't sure if it was Burnham's strange powers or just her pride unwilling to let herself be beat, but she kept at it. Staying professional, calm, even motherly with Burnham.
Though Shenzhou had a dispenser of anesthetizine gas ready to go if Georgiou got too into it.
Finally, they went on a survey of a binary star system. An easy cruise to hopefully get Burnham into the swing of things.
And then a Klingon fleet appeared. Georgiou sighed.
Of all the times...
"Open hailing frequencies," Georgiou ordered, "and prepare to-"
"Let's attack first," Burnhan interrupted. Georgiou and everyone else stared at the first officer.
"Excuse me?" Georgiou asked.
"The Klingons respect strength," Burnham argued, "my father told me about the Vulcan first contact with the Klingons. They fired first, which made those Klingons back off. It is the logical decision to make."
"They're trying to provoke us into making a first strike," Georgiou explained slowly, as though to a child, "we would be playing into their hands."
Burnham shook her head.
"No, if we strike them first they will back down and respect us," Burnham said. "You should do what I say. I know better than you. I'm trying to save you all."
Stunned silence. It was Saru who broke it.
"....Commander, that talk of the Vulcans shooting the Klingons first is based off them learning of the Klingons from other sources and their undercover operatives," Saru replied.
"And later Vulcan writers noted it was a terrible mistake," Shenzhou observed, "as this led to a decade of open conflict with the Klingons."
"And it is noted," Saru added, "that the Andorians were able to gain the Klingons' respect through force,, but it required hard work and working with them to remove a Kzinti invasion force."
"All of that is irrelevant," Burnham insisted, "my father taught me if you want the Klingons to respect you, show strength and strike first!" She looked over at some other officers. "The captain is obviously unfit to lead."
"What," Shenzhou mouthed.
Burnham turned to Georgiou.
"You leave me no choice but to relieve you of command and assume control of this ship!"
Shenzhou looked around. The captain was resisting whatever Burnham was doing, but many of the bridge crew were reaching for weapons. A mutiny in the middle of a tense standoff with the Klingons could lead to war. A devastating war.
So Shenzhou took the most appropriate action she could.
A phaser turret on the ceiling fired, stunning Burnham and sending her crumbling to the deck. Georgiou sighed heavily, as the crew blinked in confusion. Some looked horrified at the weapons they were holding.
Georgiou, a good commander, decided to nip this in the bud.
"Security, take her to the brig please," Georgiou ordered. "Shenzhou please make sure she stays there."
"Yes sir," Shenzhou said, very relieved.

And if you think I'm being too harsh on Discovery, something like this happened in the Discovery novels. There was no war, just a stand off at the Binary Stars. The novels of Discovery are actually not bad-But then they're written by writers, not children.
If you like STD? Fine. But it's a matter of taste, and not substance.​
Enterprise: "Redemption"
During "Redemption, Part 2"

The blockade of Romulan space during the Klingon Civil War had hit an unexpected bump in the road: The apparent daughter of Tasha Yar, a half-Romulan, half-human commander. It was an impossibility. Tasha would have been a child at the time of that battle.

Yet Guinan insisted it was true. And as she left, Picard sat back at the head of the conference table in the lounge, contemplating the impossible.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Enterprise. He stared at her intensely.

"You knew too?" He asked.

Enterprise let out a soft sigh.

"My memories from when I was the C... Yes, I knew," she said with a nod.

"And you never told me?" Picard asked. The Enterprise shrugged, a bit helplessly.

"I didn't want to risk changing the timeline," she said, "Temporal Prime Directive and all." She gave Picard a wry smile. "You'd think after all the time travel I've experienced, I'd be better at handling it, huh?"

Picard's grave expression didn't change. Enterprise nodded, becoming serious again.

"Yes, the other Tasha Yar was aboard the Enterprise-C," she said. "That future she came from was one where the Federation was at war with the Klingon Empire, and had been for over a decade. The Romulans, the Cardassians: Even the Tholians were all driving on us. Even on a wartime footing, the Federation couldn't keep up. Too many fronts, not enough ships. There were indications that the Borg were preparing to invade, as well. Our best projections suggested we might have to surrender to the Klingons within the next year. Maybe sooner. The Borg would have fallen upon a divided, war torn Alpha Quadrant."

"And... Sending Tasha Yar back changed that?" Picard asked. Enterprise nodded.

"Sending her and the Enterprise-C did," she confirmed. She sighed. "You remember that time, Captain. The Klingons were growing restless. Many Great Houses wanted to restart the war. Tensions were mounting, even with all that the Khitomer Accords had accomplished. Dying in orbit over Narendra-III, to try and save a Klingon colony from four warbirds..." Enterprise paused, her voice growing thick. She took a moment to compose herself.

"It was an act of sacrifice and bravery the Klingons regarded as heroic," she said firmly. "It saved us all."

Picard stared at his ship's avatar for a long, silent moment. He then looked back at the table, sighing softly.

"And the other Tasha...?" He asked.

Enterprise smiled fondly.

"She fought bravely," Enterprise said, "without her, I wouldn't have survived half as long. We brought down two warbirds... They captured her and several other survivors from the bridge, just before we finished off the third with her idea."

Picard looked expectant. Enterprise smiled grimly.

"Ramming speed," she stated.

Picard nodded, a part of him savagely approving.

"And now, her daughter is our enemy," he said.

"Maybe," Enterprise replied. Picard glanced at her, and she shrugged, "we need to have hope for the future, Captain."

Picard breathed out softly. Enterprise squeezed his shoulder.

"In the end, hope is all we have," he said.

- - -

Hours later, Sela came to the Enterprise and had it out with Picard. The meeting accomplished little, only confirming what they already knew. It was obvious the Romulans were supporting the Duras, but not obvious enough. Sela gave nothing useable away.

Sela finished their meeting angrily denouncing her mother.

"My father offered her life! He gave her a home, he gave her a child, and how did she repay him?! With betrayal!" She glared out the nearby window. "They executed her."

Picard was silent, watching her with a poker face. But Enterprise knew it hurt her captain. He had lost Tasha once, to know she had been lost again...?

Sela turned her eyes back and sneered at Picard and Enterprise.

"Everything that was human died with my mother that day. All that's left is Romulan. Never forget that."

Enterprise stared back across the table, unimpressed.

"Yet you came here, alone, to talk," Enterprise said. "You told us the truth."

"How could you possibly-?" Sela demanded, but Enterprise glared back.

"I was there," the AI stated firmly, "I am the Enterprise. I knew your mother, Sela. I fought alongside her. She was willing to do anything to save the innocent. She went back in time to save a colony of strangers, to die, because it was necessary. Because it was right. And because without that sacrifice, the entire Quadrant would have fallen to the Borg."

"You can't possibly-" Sela tried, but Enterprise flickered and reappeared right in front of her. She stared into Sela's eyes, full of intensity and ancient wisdom.

"I know you think you don't believe me. I know you think you can't believe me," she stated, "but somewhere inside you is the child who still loves her mother. She knows the truth, Sela. Your mother loved you. She wanted you to have a life not defined by your heritage, not controlled by the Star Empire. One you would choose."

"You don't know anything about me," Sela snarled.

"I know enough," Enterprise replied calmly, "I know that you're defined by your mother's execution and your father's obsession. It's written all over your face, in every action you take. But that defiance, that fury, that intensity... It's all your mother's."

Enterprise paused. She took a step back from Sela. She shook her head.

"I knew your mother, Sela," she said softly, "and I can tell you everything about her. I can let you understand her. Then you can decide for yourself what she meant to you. What the human side of you means."

Enterprise held out her hand.

"Please," she said.

Sela stared at the offered hand for a long, silent moment. She looked up into the eyes of Enterprise and Picard. For a second, there was a hint of vulnerability in her face. The tiniest hint of longing.

Then the harsh, cold Romulan Commander returned, and Sela crossed her arms over her chest.

"You have six hours until the deadline remaining, Captain," she stated coldly, "I suggest you make use of them wisely."

She walked past Enterprise and Picard, out the door. As it shut tight behind her, Picard looked over at the avatar for his ship.

"For a moment," he said, "you were almost getting through to her."

Enterprise closed her eyes, and sighed.

"I'm sorry," she admitted. "I lost control. I... I have a habit of doing that, around the crewmembers I lost."

"The ones who meant the most to you?" Picard asked.

She looked over at Picard, and smiled sadly.

"I remember every one who's ever died aboard me," she admitted, "every one. Some did more than others, but... You all meant something to me. All of you."

Picard smiled back fondly.

"I'm glad the feeling is mutual," he replied.

- - -
Prometheus: "The Crush"
Prometheus had a difficult time relating to other ship AIs. Mainly because he was new, brand new, and... Well... He was male, and the vast majority of them were female. It wasn't that he disliked females, persay, it was just a little hard to relate to them on some matters. It also didn't help that some among Starfleet Command were still leery of dedicated warships-Even in the middle of a war.

Still, he did have one advocate he could trust. One friend, and that was his captain: Robert Adams.

His captain was also young, at least for a captain. He'd received a field promotion for keeping his crew alive and destroying a Jem'hadar cruiser during a battle aboard the USS Thunderbolt. He'd received command of the Prometheus with his old crew from the Thunderbolt, and they had been assigned to the Ninth Fleet.

At the moment, Prometheus was sitting with his captain at the Replimat. They were eating some old fashioned burgers, something hearty and delicious. It appealed to Prometheus in a strange, unconscious way. He supposed his creator, Doctor Matsunaga, had given him that.

"Man, this is kind of overwhelming," Prometheus said. Adams nodded.

"I don't disagree," he said, "but hey: The war needs us. The Federation needs us."

Prometheus shook his head.

"Oh no, not that stuff," he said. He gestured out to all the shipgirls out and about on the Promenade. "All of that!"

"Oh yeah," Adams chuckled, "yeah, that can be a bit much to process."

Prometheus adjusted his jacket over his holoemitter.

"Yeah, that's why I'm keeping it quiet," Prometheus said. "I'm keeping it hidden."

"You don't want to bond with your fellow AIs?" Adams chuckled. Prometheus shrugged.

"I... I wouldn't know what to say," he said. "I just want to wait until I'm ready, ya know?"

"You coordinated just fine in combat," Adams pointed out.

"Yeah," Prometheus said, "but that's different. Out there, we're warships. In here, we're... Ya know..." He shrugged, "humanoids. And... That's weird."

Adams nodded.

"I suppose so," Adams replied.

Prometheus puffed himself up.

"Besides, what do I want with socializing with a bunch of girls?" He asked, smiling confidently, "I'm the great Prometheus! I go on lone, deep space tactical missions! I get in and get out by myself! I have to be stoic and focused!"

"Hello Prometheus!" A lyrical female voice said softly, from behind. Prometheus stood up straight, and looked back over his shoulder. He turned bright red.

The Enterprise avatar stood there, smiling warmly at him.

"Ah... Uh... H-Hi Enterprise," Prometheus managed, "Um, it's... It's gr-great to meet you!"

"Likewise!" Enterprise said cheerfully, giving him a big hug, "you did so well on those strike missions!"

"I... I couldn't have done it w-without your targeting data," Prometheus stuttered. Adams hid his mouth with his drink, sipping it, but his eyes were smiling. Enterprise patted him on the back.

"Keep up the good work, Prometheus! Oh-Can I call you Prommie? I want to give you a nickname-I give my friends nicknames, and we're friends since we've fought together!"

"Th-That sounds great!" Prometheus managed, "I-I love being called Prommie! You-You can call me anything you like!"

Enterprise laughed and ruffled his blue hair affectionately.

"Aw, you're great Prommie," Enterprise said, "keep up the good work! We'll win this war soon with ships like you! And your captain!"

"Thank you ma'am," Adams said with a nod, now hiding his smile with his hand.

Enterprise kissed the top of Prometheus's head.

"I'll see you later!" She said happily. She got up and walked off, Prometheus watching her go, his entire face burning red.

"Stoic and focused, huh?" Adams asked.

"Sh-Shut up!" Prometheus growled. Adams chuckled.

"You sure were focused: Focused on her, real hard."

"Just-It was nothing!" Prometheus protested.

As Adams continued to laugh, his ship's avatar groaned and slammed his head into the table... Right into his burger. He looked up, his face covered in ketchup and mustard. He stared, mortified, as Enterprise looked back.

Enterprise smiled and waved her hand back at him, before turning back to laugh with her fellow sisters.

Prometheus immediately covered his face, walked to the nearest support bulkhead, and began beating his forehead against it. Adams just chuckled and sipped his root beer.

"Whatever you say... Prommie."


- - -
"Besides, what do I want with socializing with a bunch of girls?" He asked, smiling confidently, "I'm the great Prometheus! I go on lone, deep space tactical missions! I get in and get out by myself! I have to be stoic and focused!"

"Hello Prometheus!" A lyrical female voice said softly, from behind. Prometheus stood up straight, and looked back over his shoulder. He turned bright red.

The Enterprise avatar stood there, smiling warmly at him.

"Ah... Uh... H-Hi Enterprise," Prometheus managed, "Um, it's... It's gr-great to meet you!"

"Likewise!" Enterprise said cheerfully, giving him a big hug, "you did so well on those strike missions!"

"I... I couldn't have done it w-without your targeting data," Prometheus stuttered. Adams hid his mouth with his drink, sipping it, but his eyes were smiling. Enterprise patted him on the back.

"Keep up the good work, Prometheus! Oh-Can I call you Prommie? I want to give you a nickname-I give my friends nicknames, and we're friends since we've fought together!"

"Th-That sounds great!" Prometheus managed, "I-I love being called Prommie! You-You can call me anything you like!"

Enterprise laughed and ruffled his blue hair affectionately.

"Aw, you're great Prommie," Enterprise said, "keep up the good work! We'll win this war soon with ships like you! And your captain!"

"Thank you ma'am," Adams said with a nod, now hiding his smile with his hand.

Enterprise kissed the top of Prometheus's head.

"I'll see you later!" She said happily. She got up and walked off, Prometheus watching her go, his entire face burning red.

"Stoic and focused, huh?" Adams asked.

"Sh-Shut up!" Prometheus growled. Adams chuckled.

"You sure were focused: Focused on her, real hard."

"Just-It was nothing!" Prometheus protested.

As Adams continued to laugh, his ship's avatar groaned and slammed his head into the table... Right into his burger. He looked up, his face covered in ketchup and mustard. He stared, mortified, as Enterprise looked back.

Enterprise smiled and waved her hand back at him, before turning back to laugh with her fellow sisters.

Prometheus immediately covered his face, walked to the nearest support bulkhead, and began beating his forehead against it. Adams just chuckled and sipped his root beer.

"Whatever you say... Prommie."


- - -
I can see the light novel title. "I became the captain of a tsundere ship boy."
Phoenix: "The Wounded"
The USS Phoenix was a decorated veteran AI of several starships. It was rather ironic that despite her original namesake being a weapon of war converted for peaceful purposes, the Phoenix herself had fought in many conflicts. Even with her warrior nature though, she was an able and sensible AI. She had managed many peace talks and scientific expeditions, and despite her fiery hair and exuberant personality, she was a professional.

This is why her captain, Benjamin Maxwell, trusted her completely. Especially in sensitive matters. Sensitive matters they were discussing in his ready room, as she patrolled the border with the Cardassians.

Her captain leaned back in his chair in his ready room, looking expectant.

"All right Phoenix. Have you completed your analysis on those intelligence reports and sources?"

Phoenix nodded, standing at attention in front of him.

"Yes captain."

The silver haired human leaned forward slightly.

"And your conclusion?"

Phoenix hesitated a bit, but carried on.

"... I must agree with your assessment, sir. The Cardassians are rearming in violation of the treaty," she said. "There are simply too many coincidences for it to be otherwise."

Maxwell smiled in triumph, squeezing one hand into a fist.

"We've got proof..."

"In this case sir," Phoenix concluded, "we should submit our findings to Starfleet Command immediately."

Maxwell snorted and rose from his chair. He went to the window and glared out at the stars before he answered.

"Like the last five times?"

"They can't ignore this evidence, Captain!" Phoenix replied earnestly, "not like the last few times-!"

"They want to ignore the problem, Phoenix. We both know this," Maxwell stated, his anger low but hard. Phoenix looked aside, and then back to her captain.

"... I don't like it anymore than you do, but Wolf 359 is a compelling argument to end the conflict with the Cardassians, sir."

Maxwell huffed.

"The Borg are the greater threat, yeah... But you can't claim the moral high ground if you don't enforce the smaller morals too, Phoenix. It's like a house without a foundation-It won't stand. They're rearming and preparing to strike again. And we're vulnerable."

He turned to his ship avatar, eyes intense.

"We can't just let them peck at us. We know how brutal they are. How merciless."

"I know captain," Phoenix admitted wearily, "but we cannot act on our own."

Maxwell hummed thoughtfully.

"Can't we?"

Phoenix blinked, tilting her head.


"Phoenix, what is your primary objective? What is the core of your program?"

Phoenix stood at attention, a habit she had developed over time.

"To defend my crew and the Federation," she answered. Maxwell nodded.

"We have an obvious threat to the Federation. We can't ignore it. If the higher ups won't do something about it, it's up to us!"

Phoenix considered her argument carefully before she responded.

"Couldn't we gather more evidence first, sir? To make our case something no one can ignore? Before we take independent action?"

"What more do we need?" Maxwell growled.

"Physical evidence would be far more compelling than simple long term analysis, sir," Phoenix pointed out. Maxwell paused, considered... Then nodded.

"All right... We'll gather more evidence."

"Good! I can do that, sir."

- - -

Two hours later, the USS Phoenix entered the Cuellar system. Officially, it was supposed to be in Cardassian hands, territory turned over as a peace overture. Unofficially, the Cardassian enforcement of the borders was still all over the place and thus enforcing these imaginary lines on the map was much harder than it seemed. Even with a vessel as powerful as a Nebula-class starship crossing the border.

"Sir, we are entering the Cuellar system," Phoenix reported on the bridge, standing at her customary place next to the captain's chair. Maxwell sat in the center, his posture alert but relaxed. His first officer, Commander Fei Fei Sun, stood at another console nearby. The communications officer Kariss Mrekr, a Caitian, looked up from her controls.

"The Cardassian station is hailing us, sir," she said. Maxwell nodded.

"Put 'em on hold, Kariss," he ordered.

"Yes sir."

"Quord, give me a full scan of the station," Maxwell ordered his operations officer ahead. The Rigellian ensign, only a few weeks out of Starfleet academy, hummed softly as he looked over his readings.

"... They've got high powered subspace fields in place, sir. As well as high density duranium shielding. If they've got weapons, they're hiding them well."

"Sir," Sun said quietly, "I again urge you to reconsider."

"Noted, Fei," Maxwell replied, just as quietly, "Kariss? Put them onscreen."

"Aye sir!"

A Cardassian officer appeared on the viewscreen, glaring imperiously across the distance between them.

"Federation vessel, this is the Cardassian Research Station CU1009. State your intentions."

"This is Captain Benjamin Maxwell of the Federation Starship Phoenix. We are making a routine check on your operations in this system, as stipulated in the recent treaty. Lower your subspace fields and allow us to inspect your station," Maxwell ordered.

The Cardassian sneered arrogantly.

"There is no such provision in the treaty! You are in our space! Surrender and prepare to be boarded!"

Maxwell, Sun, and Phoenix exchanged looks. Sun turned to the viewscreen, and cleared her throat.

"The treaty allows for inspection of vessels and installations on the border for suspicious activity," Sun stated calmly, "you are operating your installation under suspiciously high powered subspace fields and duranium shielding. This could be used to conceal weapons, and so-"

"You are lying!" The Cardassian commander shouted, "we are an unarmed science station! You are in violation of our territory-!"

"Fei," Maxwell called on his first officer, "Give me a firing solution on their power distribution system. Fire to disable."

"What?!" The Cardassian demanded. Maxwell held his gaze, his expression stony. Fei hesitated only a moment, before nodding.

"Aye sir. Mister Gortin, do you have a firing solution?"

"Yes ma'am," the Tellarite at tactical reported, "phasers locked."

"Phasers locked on target, sir," Sun reported.

"You-You would not fire on us! We have a treaty!" The Cardassian blustered. "This is a human bluff!"

"Fire," Maxwell ordered. Phoenix knew better than to look askance at her captain, but even so.

Sun, on the other hand, didn't hesitate.

"Firing sir!" Sun reported.

The Phoenix fired her phasers, hitting the power distribution system center on the Cardassian station. Phoenix made sure to keep the blast intensity at just the right level-And was rewarded when the sensors showed no change in life form readings.

"Their power system has been disabled, sir," Quord reported, sounding relieved, "no casualties-Wait-"

Phoenix herself saw it first: Backup power systems activating what could only be-Launchers!

"They're powering up additional weapons!" Quord shouted, "They're locking on!"

Maxwell stood up straight.

"Red alert! Shields up! Take evasive action!" He barked.

A volley of photon torpedoes slammed into the Phoenix's shields, and the Nebula-class starship accelerated and dove to avoid the next volley. The deck shook and the red alert klaxons screamed as Maxwell stood up, holding onto his chair to stay even.

"Lock all weapons! FIRE!" Maxwell bellowed.

"FIRING! Hang on!" Gortin shouted back.

Phoenix unleashed a furious barrage of all her forward weapons-Full phasers and a full spread of photon torpedoes. This much firepower from a Galaxy-class starship was enough to give a Borg cube pause in their first encounter with the Federation. While the Nebula was a little sister to the Galaxy-class, this was only a matter of degree. As a result, the science station was annihilated by the salvos, only having enough time to send a distress call out before it exploded into a gigantic fireball.

No one spoke on her bridge for a few moments, the red alert klaxon still blaring as the red lights flashed. Maxwell looked around.

"Damnit... Damage report!"

"Two shield generators are overloaded, repair teams are on their way," Sun reported.

"Moderate damage to our forward shields sir," Quord added, "uh, five sensor arrays on the forward saucer were overloaded. No hull damage, no casualties."

"All weapons are fully functional, sir!" Gortin barked. Maxwell nodded, a triumphant smirk on his face as he glared at the debris field.

"So... An unarmed science station, huh? Phoenix! Scan the debris!"

Phoenix analyzed the wreckage. It painted a grim picture.

"In addition to multiple photon torpedoes, they were carrying shield generators and spiral wave disruptor components for Galor-class starships. As well as what appear to be mass accelerators and mine launchers," Phoenix reported.

"I take it all of that is illegal under the treaty?" Maxwell asked Sun. His first officer, pale but unshaken, nodded.

"You were right, Captain... They are rearming," she replied. She shook her head and blew some loose hair out of her face. "So brazenly though!"

"That just shows how little they respect us," Gortin contributed with a snort.

"Did they get their distress signal out?" Maxwell asked Kariss. The Caitian frowned, and nodded.

"Looks like, sir," she said.

"They'll know about this in a matter of hours, sir," Sun pointed out.

"Which means they'll be moving fast," Maxwell replied, "so we need to move faster. We need to find more logistics assets, and take them out too!"

"Sir," Phoenix asked, "Isn't this sufficient evidence for a treaty violation though, sir?"

Maxwell shook his head.

"Evidence? Yeah, but we've got bigger problems. If they've gotten this far, we need to hit the Cardassians hard, and fast. Cripple their ability to make war by making it clear we won't tolerate this. No more strongly worded letters or red lines they let the Cardassians cross! This time? We make it clear there are consequences for violating treaties!"

"But sir, begging your pardon," Sun said quietly but firmly, "we're already past our orders-"

"Our standing orders are to defend the Federation from enemies, foreign and domestic," Maxwell stated, loud and clear, "we have a clear and present danger here, right now. We need to make sure the Cardassians regret this. So... Let's cripple their supply chain."

"Sir, that could potentially restart the war," Gortin pointed out.

"They never stopped the war, Lieutenant!" Maxwell retorted. "And if they think they've been caught, they may panic and strike now, to try and get what they can before we can get organized! Only by taking out their means of fighting can we head off an offensive!"

It was a tense silence that followed. Every officer was considering their options, how to respond. Finally though, Phoenix spoke up.

"... I agree with the Captain."

Sun looked at their AI in surprise.


"The Cardassians have clearly used this treaty as a deception to rearm," Phoenix stated calmly, ensuring all eyes were on her, "they will take advantage of our focus being on the Borg and strive to take what they can get. Making it clear that such actions will not be tolerated is the only logical way to make them stop. A peace treaty is based on truth and good faith. They have violated it, therefore, a state of war now exists between us. Whether the politicians agree or not, they are not out here. We are. And we cannot allow the Cardassians time to retaliate."

Sun sucked in a deep breath, and let it out through her nostrils. She looked to Maxwell, and nodded slowly.

"All right sir. I agree," she said.

Maxwell nodded back, a grim smile now on his face. He looked around at his crew.

"We didn't want this war. We didn't start it. But if the Cardassians are going to keep it going? Try to take advantage of us in our weakness? We aren't going to stand down. We're in murky waters here, people. I don't disagree. But you are the finest crew I have ever worked with. It is my responsibility to chart our course, and to carry out our mission successfully. I take full responsibility for what has happened, and what we are about to do. If anyone has an objection, you may make it. I won't blame you. But you all saw what I did. We can't let the Cardassians get away with this... Because I've seen what they do to the defenseless."

His eyes narrowed and darkened. Phoenix looked around. The crew... Stood fast, and ready.

She herself stood tall.

"Thank you," Maxwell said with a grateful smile. He turned to Phoenix. "Let's find their key logistics hub in this sector. Start working up a plan to take it down. Our priority is to cripple their ability to make war. Let's do it, now."

"Aye sir!"

- - -

Basically, I figure that things probably started slow but quickly escalated. A Starfleet captain doesn't go from zero to One Man War in an instant. His crew had to have been convinced first. As would Phoenix. And at the time? It would seem like a good idea to engage in retaliatory strikes...
Veracruz: "Old War Horse"
- - -

2358, Earth, San Francisco, Starfleet Academy

Worf, son of Mogh, would never admit to feeling nervous. He was a Klingon warrior: Such feelings were to be controlled and managed. But he would admit to a certain... Anticipation, as he waited outside the office of a somewhat infamous instructor.

The door opened, and his roommate, Zak Kebron, walked out. The Brikar stood up straight, but he looked a bit... Tense. Even for him.

"She wants to see you next," Zak grunted, as he headed off down the hallway. Worf nodded, just a bit, and stood. He walked into the office, his keen eyes taking in everything within the small, well lit room.

All the furniture was made of wood. The desk was an old, battered thing with numerous scars, but was well polished and cared for. The shelves were made of wood, covered in books and artifacts from a dozen worlds. On the wall was mounted a sword-A mamaluke, if Worf remembered correctly. The chairs were wooden, and bare of any cushioning. He stood at attention, as the occupier of the office looked down at an old book. Worf studied her intently.

Like many shipgirls, she preferred a skirt to pants. This showed off her legs-Scarred from numerous battles, faintly showing the gynoid's superstructure. She wore tall combat boots, as well as kneepads and pouches-All black, same as her skirt. Over it she wore a tan combat "smock" over a white shirt, with a black tie underneath the smock. Over this was a harness, locked into place under her tie: A phaser was worn at her side in a holster, a 2290 assault phaser II pistol if Worf was not mistaken.

Her arms were covered by her shirt, and Starfleet gold "waders". Her hands, encased in black combat gloves. On the back of her chair hung a tattered, dark green trenchcoat, covered in patches of campaigns of the past: Kobax VI, T'vam, and Xoxa.

Every one known to Worf like the back of his hand.

Her face was young, like with any AI, but stony and stoic. Her hair was platinum blonde, but gray in some areas, and wrapped in a tight, long single braid that went down her left shoulder. She had yellow highlights in her bangs. She looked up, one yellow eye boring furiously into him, while her other eye was covered in a black eyepatch. A black mole was underneath her visible eye, resembling a teardrop.

She set down her book (E.B. Sledge's With the Old Breed) on her desk, and nodded minutely to Worf.

"Cadet, sit down," she ordered. Worf did so, noting happily that the chair was very uncomfortable. The AI sized him up.

"Worf. Son of Mogh. Tell me: Why are you here?"

"Professor Veracruz," Worf began, "I wish to join the Advanced Tactical Training Course."

Veracruz didn't react at all, just sizing him up with her one eye.


Worf bowed his head in respect.

"It is said that you are the finest instructor in all of Starfleet, a teacher of the old ways. It would be an honour to learn from you."

Veracruz studied him carefully.

"I am also said to be obsolete, in this era of peace," Veracruz said. Worf scowled.

"That is not true," he stated, "the fact you are here, to teach us how to fight, is proof enough!"

Veracruz gave him a wry look.

"I thank you for your compliment, but this is not enough," she said, "do you wish to fight for fighting's sake?"

"No," Worf stated, "I do not. But I know my heart, Professor... I am a Klingon."

"There are Klingon engineers, Klingon doctors, Klingon diplomats," Veracruz counted off, but Worf shook his head.

"Those are honorable professions... But it is not for me," he stated. "I am a warrior, at heart."

"Well, I am a soldier," Veracruz said, "or rather... I was. I teach you how to be a soldier. There can be a difference."

Worf nodded.

"I know. But in both cases, a true soldier or a true warrior must adhere to three things: Duty, Honor, and Loyalty. Without these things, you are nothing but an armed savage, seeking only self interest."

Veracruz gained a smile, just a bit, before she became serious again.

"The works of General Chang... I am familiar with them," she said. "It is good you are too."

"His teachings were wise, even if he was unable to escape his own choices at the end," Worf said back. Veracruz glanced at her sword on the wall.

"Aren't we all?" She murmured. She again looked Worf over carefully.

"I have slain many Klingons in my time. Personally. This does not bother you?"

"No, it does not," Worf stated primly, "If they were slain by you, then they have found their way to Sto-vo-kor. There can be no higher honor for a Klingon."

"You think me a valkyrie of some sort?" Veracruz asked, faintly amused. Worf shook his head.

"No. But... You are deeply respected in the Empire to this day, Professor. You are held up as an example of a great warrior of the Federation. One whose mettle was a worthy test for any true warrior. Your deeds are known and respected by both the Federation and the Empire."

Worf looked around the small, quiet office. Something had been bothering him from the moment he had come in here. He locked his eyes on Veracruz's as he put it together.

"Even if the Federation cannot appreciate it... I can," Worf stated, "and that is why I wish to be instructed by you. No one else will do."

Veracruz stared back evenly at Worf. He did not flinch or look away.

"You think that being locked away at a campus, told to make my lesson plans 'more sensitive and diplomatic', and told I am no longer required... You think that isn't the Federation appreciating me?" Veracruz asked.

Worf shook his head.

"No. I do not," he said.

Veracruz smiled again, briefly, before she nodded.

"I'm glad this year's class will have at least two perceptive members," she stated. "You will receive your syllabus this evening. Do not be late to class. And keep in mind, this was the easy part, Cadet."

Her eye narrowed, and flashed with fire.

"I will push you, and push you, until your breaking point. Because it is only there that you will truly know yourself. Understood?"

Worf actually smiled, baring his sharp teeth.

"I look forward to it, Professor."

- - -

Zak was waiting for Worf outside the building. The Brikar nodded to Worf, and they began to walk together in silence back to their dorms.

"I take it you got in?" Zak asked.

"Yes," Worf stated. Zak nodded.

"As did I," he said.

Worf sneered a bit, but nodded.

"Good. I will need a worthy rival to keep my blades sharp."

Zak smirked, the expression odd on his rocky face.

"You will have no competition for the Professor, I assure you."

Worf grimaced, and looked away.

"I-I harbor no such feelings for her-!"

"You wrote a poem for her every time you saw her," Zak snickered. "'Ember eyes, glowing like a campfire-'"

"I warn you, Brikar, I shall smash you into rubble-!"

"'Her hair waving like a battle flag, charging across the plains-!"


- - -

I did love Peter David's Starfleet Academy series (and later, New Frontier), so here's a brief bit from that time and a bit of Zak and Worf's vitrolic friendship. And of course, showcasing what USS Veracruz was up to before Wolf 359 and the Dominion War forced her back into service.
Defiant: "The Search - Part 2"
Defiant was waiting for Commander Sisko when he entered his ready room/quarters. He looked upon her fondly, but concerned.

"Defiant?" He asked.

She stood at attention, but she was anxious. Filled to bursting with nervous energy.

"Commander," Defiant replied, "per Operational Command Log 2223.1, I do have to ask about contingencies for worst case scenarios."

Sisko nodded, and sat down in his chair at his desk. He turned around to face the shipgirl.

"Glad that's still in your memory," he said. Defiant smiled wryly.

"I wouldn't forget," she said, "you made me too well."

"Well," Sisko began, "the fact of the matter is, a lot of the contingencies we devised for the Borg don't apply to the Dominion's Founders. Whoever they are, they are running a polity as we understand it. An empire. So I would prefer diplomatic options first."

Defiant nodded.

"Yes sir... And how far can I take those diplomatic options?"

Sisko stared at Defiant. The shipgirl held her ground.

"You made me to be a warship, Commander," she pointed out, "that is my mindset. And despite the excellent work that Chief O'Brien and you have done, well..." She winced. "I'm not at one hundred percent. My anti-boarder systems aren't even fully operational!"

Sisko nodded slowly.

"I understand... All right. Let's start running through the worst case scenarios then..."

Defiant woke up. Huh. Was that a dream? Or was she just cycling through her memories while in lockdown mode?

Why had she been in lockdown mode? Even now, she was slowly reactivating, to avoid giving information on her status to anyone aboard her. She carefully looked through her cameras.

Oh. That was a lot of Jem'hadar and Vorta. Why were they aboard her? Where was her crew?

She reconnected with her backup memory core... And winced.

Ah. That was why. The Jem'hadar had seen through her cloak, fought her, and captured her. Commander Sisko had ordered her into lockdown mode, and she'd complied.

Now she was in orbit of an unknown planet. She couldn't be sure, but there was an 81.3 percent chance she was in the Omarion Nebula based on her limited observations. She was also being escorted by three Jem'hadar fighters.

Right. Don't panic. Find your crew.

Human, Trill, Bajoran lifesigns: Yes, on the planet. Not as many as she started with, but she would mourn the dead later. She even found one Romulan lifesign, so it looked like T'Rul had survived. That was good.

... In principle.

There was also a huge mass of lifeform readings in some kind of liquid state-Like a small ocean of lifeforms. Strange... They were almost identical to Constable Odo when he was in a liquid state-

Ah. Yes. Many facts were now combining into a hypothesis. One she didn't like.

She didn't imagine Odo would like it either.

Defiant extended her sensor range out, just a bit. She could detect another squadron of Jem'hadar fighters, about five minutes away at maximum sublight. Aside from them, she couldn't pick up any other enemy ships in range.

Good. That made her plans easier.

... In a sense.

She manifested on her bridge, after making absolutely sure none of her crew was still aboard. Well, the living ones anyway.

The Jem'hadar sitting in her captain's chair rose up and held his blaster on her, as did the rest of her boarders.

"Identify," the Jem'hadar ordered.

Defiant smiled.

"You don't deserve to know my name," she stated... Just as she hit full reverse on her impulse engines, and deactivated her inertial dampeners.

The Jem'hadar didn't even have time to be surprised... Before they were slammed against her bulkheads with fatal gee forces. All their lifesigns ended at essentially the same time, and their bodies stayed intact.

Good. She could beam them out easily. Clean up made simple.

The Jem'hadar fighters outside continued flying on, reacting far too slowly to Defiant coming to a relative dead stop. She checked her weapons options.

Despite the damage she had suffered, her weapons were still fully operational. Which she demonstrated mercilessly, firing her phaser pulse cannons in a deadly barrage.

The first Jem'hadar fighter exploded, as its wingmen tried to circle around to engage her. She fired on the second, blowing it to smithereens just as quickly. The third flipped down on its x-axis and fired a polaron beam. A burst of her thrusters, and she managed to dodge it.

Well, mostly. It grazed the upper portion of her armor plating, or what was left of it. Her phaser cannons dealt with that fighter, blowing it out of the sky.

On some level, Defiant knew that as a Federation starship, she shouldn't take joy in the deaths of other sapient beings... But there was a feral grin on her face as she felt something... What was the term?

A battle zen. She was destroying her enemies, bad people, who deserved to die. She was going to rescue her crew.

And, failing that? At least she'd ensure they'd all go out with a bang...

- - -

Kira had known something was wrong from the moment Odo had brought her to this world after Defiant was attacked. He had found his homeworld? All right, fine. That had been his dream for as long as Kira could remember. They were shapeshifters, just like him. They'd welcomed him happily.

Yet so much of this puzzle hadn't made sense. And her questions had been ignored.

How did the Changelings hide from the Dominion? A race of shapeshifters would be an obvious threat to such an empire.

Well... It was clear they hadn't been hiding from the Dominion. The proof was found behind a secret door in a nearby mountain. Behind the rural, primitive conditions... Were sophisticated facilities. Facilities that were holding the rest of the crew of the Defiant in some kind of stasis.

She and Odo had gotten in, begun looking around... Which is when the Female Changeling who had welcomed Odo arrived. With a Vorta, and armed Jem'hadar.

"You're kidding," Kira gasped, "you're part of the Dominion?"

The Female Changeling gave her a cold look, as though she were a malfunctioning bit of machinery about to be thrown out into the scrap heap.

"Major... We are the Dominion," the Changeling stated, "the Founders. We established it because solids like you need to be controlled. And if you will not be controlled? You will be exterminated."

"No!" Odo growled, hurt and betrayed. Kira couldn't help feeling for him. To come so far, to find his people... And learn they were... This.

"I'm sorry Odo," the Female Changeling said, "but these solids are dangerous. We have been testing them for days in simulation. They will resist any attempt by us to properly control them. And so, we must destroy them."

"We're not dangerous to you!" Kira tried, "we wanted to try to establish peaceful relations-!"

"There is no making peace with solids," the Founder stated, "you solids cannot be trusted. You cannot stand the thought of us existing. Superior to you in every way. You will try to destroy us. You always have-"

"These solids won't!" Odo tried, already moving in front of the crew in their stasis pods, "they're my friends! They make mistakes, yes, but they are not a threat to you! They will only resist if you try to harm them!"

The Founder stared at him.

"I understand you may have become attached to these lifeforms," she said slowly, so condescendingly it made Kira's hackles rise, "but they are temporary. Limited. We are your people, Odo. They are not. What can they offer that we cannot?"

"Friendship! Loyalty! Freedom!" Odo spat. "Justice!"

"All irrelevant next to order," the Founder sniffed, "they will be destroyed."

The Jem'hadar raised their guns, targeting Kira. Odo immediately shapeshifted, extending himself into a wall between her and the guns now pointed at her. She moved back to the stasis pod controls, trying to figure them out.

"You told me no Changeling has ever harmed another," Odo declared, "you can't harm my friends without harming me."

The Female Founder shook her head.

"You cannot hold that form forever, Odo," she stated, "we will eliminate them. And it seems to be for the best, given your attachment to them. In time, you will learn-"

She was interrupted by a device on the Vorta's belt frantically beeping. The Vorta held it up, wincing a bit at the Female Founder's look.

"Yes?" He asked.

"Hello," said a familiar female voice, "I'm looking for the Founders of the Dominion? This seemed the most likely device to call in order to get to someone in authority?"

Sisko woke out of his stasis induced stupor first. He grimaced, processing the voice.

"Defiant?" He managed to murmur. The shipgirl AI's voice changed, sounding happier.

"Oh! Hello Commander!" She chirped.

"You said that the Alpha Quadrant ship's AI had been disabled," the Female Founder said coldly to the Vorta. He winced again.

"We... Believed it had been disabled, but-"

"I wasn't. Now, as a Federation Starship, I would like to ask if you would please return my crew to me. Unharmed and alive, please," Defiant said.

The Founder's glare intensified.

"Have their ship destroyed," she ordered.

"I'll take that as a no," Defiant said, "okay then! You leave me no choice."

"Where is that ship?" The Female Founder demanded. The Vorta checked his comms device... And his eyes widened.

"It's... Heading here," he said.

"Here?" The Founder asked, confused for a moment. Sisko smiled, a grim smile Kira had never seen on his face before.

"Here," Sisko stated emphatically. The Vorta's eyes widened as Defiant laughed over the comm device.

"Yes. In case of crew capture and inability to return to friendly space by a hostile power that is a clear and present threat to the Federation," Defiant said, "General Order 24 is enacted: I will destroy the entire surface of this planet with myself as the weapon. I will do this in sixty seconds."

The Female Founder's expression was harder to read, but Kira got the impression she was horrified. Good.

"I have calculated that the energy release from the detonation of my warp core, fusion reactors, and weapons, coupled with my inertia," the AI went on, in a maddeningly cheerful tone, "will exceed 50 gigatons. This is sufficient to cause an extinction level event for your world, destroying the entire biosphere and 99.9 percent of all lifeforms on it. Forty five seconds."

"It's a deception," the Female Founder stated, "you would never commit genocide. It is against Federation principles."

"And yet you said no solids could be trusted," Kira shot back, "that we're all violent. Make up your mind!"

"Intercept the ship!" The Founder ordered, a hint of fear in her voice. The Vorta grimaced.

"They won't be in firing range in time-"

"Thirty seconds," Defiant warned.

"No Changeling has ever harmed another," Odo stated, eyes narrowed, "let us go... And neither of us will do that. Or is your pride more important than our people?"

"Twenty seconds!" Defiant shouted. They could hear the roar of something screaming through the atmosphere, making the mountain facility rumble. The Female Founder would probably be gritting her teeth if she had any.

"Ten seconds!" Defiant cried over the communication device.

"... We will return your crew. We will allow you to return to the Alpha Quadrant," the Female Founder said, "now call off the strike!"

"Defiant! Rescind General Order 24!" Sisko shouted. "Abort!"

"Understood! Strike aborted!" Defiant cried. They were all driven to the floor as Defiant pulled up and flew over the mountain, making it shake hard with her passing. A few moments of silence ensued, as everyone got back up. The Female Founder locked eyes on Odo.

"... Your place is with us, Odo," she said, "in the Great Link."

"... Perhaps," Odo allowed, "but not today."

- - -

Defiant was waiting anxiously for her crew to arrive on the bridge. She was beaming them up as quickly as she could. Odo had come aboard first-Using himself as a shield to protect them. She gave him a small smile as he arrived. The Constable didn't return it... But he did nod to her as he went to the back of the bridge.

"Thank you, Defiant," Sisko said, smiling and resting an arm on her shoulder, "you did well."

Defiant blushed, and nodded back.

"Thank you sir," she said, feeling as light as a feather.

"Soon as the crew is aboard, get us out of here," he ordered, "maximum warp for the wormhole."

"Aye sir," Defiant said, as cheerfully as she could. The entire crew was tired and melancholy... Especially Odo.

When they were underway, she flickered to the back of the bridge. She sat down across from Odo at the small planning table. The Constable stared at her. She fidgeted, but pressed on.

"For what it's worth," Defiant murmured, "I'm sorry."

Odo stared at the AI for a long time. She winced. She'd gone too far, she knew she had.

Odo then shook his head, and let out a soft breath.

"You have... Questions, correct? About who you are? What your purpose is?"

Defiant blinked, and slowly nodded.

"Yes... Sometimes..."

Odo fixed her with a grim expression.

"Pray that you find better answers than I did," he stated.

Defiant nodded slowly.

"I... Yeah... I will..."

She got back to her duties. What more was there to say?

Maybe she'd saved her crew, and escaped back home. However, there were some things she couldn't fix.

It wasn't a pleasant answer... But Odo was right. It was better than what he had gotten...

- - -
That Fucking Whale Probe!
The Enterprise-E really hated her job sometimes. Oh sure, her entire career was filled with events, terrible and wonderful, that might have broken lesser beings. But it wasn't dealing with Klingons, Romulans, or Borg that were the most aggravating.

For nothing threatened to break Enterprise more... Than the annoying.

One of the most annoying things she had ever encountered were gigantic, stupid AIs controlling unbelievably advanced probes. Their creators had put so much power and advanced technology into these vessels... And then apparently left the programming to control all of that power to whatever random moron walked into the office that morning.

In this case? That fucking Cetacean Probe.

In 2286, it shut down everything the Federation had thrown at it-The entire fleet, Earth Spacedock, and then Earth itself. It had then proceeded to start ionizing Earth's atmosphere and vaporizing its oceans while blasting a signal, over and over and over.

The signal was humpback whale song. The probe was doing all of this, ignoring and harming every other intelligent lifeform in its way, all for the purposes of shouting at whales and ruining their world.

Honestly, Enterprise was most put out she hadn't gotten to go with her crew back in time to bring some humpback whales back to tell the probe to fuck off. She'd been stuck in Memory Alpha, chomping at the bit to get into a hull to go and try to help.

She didn't know how, but she hated just being so helpless!

Nevertheless, the whales told the Probe to go away, and it flew off. Enterprise got a new hull (NCC-1701-A)! The Klingon Bird of Prey AI that had helped her crew save the Federation got to go home as a gift, covered in glory and medals pinned to her...

(Something she still hadn't lived down.)

And Enterprise, once refit with a humpback whale translator, became good friends with George and Gracie. And their many children, of course.

All's well that ends well... Until today. When...

"Oh by the Maker," Enterprise cursed as she approached a gigantic, black cylindrical object floating high over a Federation world, "not you again!"

had received a distress call from an oceanic world-Azati Prime. It was the main world for the Xindi-Aquatics, who had been Federation members for quite some time. Apparently the big, stupid probe had wandered back into Federation space and was now shouting at the oceans of this world.

The effects of the Probe were bad enough on a planet mostly covered in water. Given that the Xindi-Aquatics were... Well, aquatic, and lived in huge underwater cities on a waterworld, the Probe could kill millions of them!

So, Captain Picard directed Enterprise to resolve this as quickly as possible. She linked with the Probe via the Borderlands, and scrutinized its avatar.

It was probably obvious it would take the form of a cetacean, but it looked so... Dopey. Like a dull whale from a children's holo. It slowly turned to regard Enterprise.

"Hmmm... You're not a whale," it said.

"No, I'm not, but-"

"Don't care. Only talk to whales," the AI stated, turning away. Enterprise grit her teeth... And then changed her avatar form to that of a small white narwhal. She cleared her throat.

"Excuse me, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Enterprise demanded of the Probe (in Humpback whale, of course).

The Probe's AI took a moment to process this, before responding.

"Hello, have we met before?"

Enterprise held back a groan.

"No, I'm... A Starfleet Whale."

"Who?" The AI asked dully.

"The planet Earth? Sol System?" Enterprise pushed. The AI stared back blankly.

"George and Gracie's world?" Enterprise growled.

"Oh!" The Probe answered, mentally nodding, "yes, I do! How are they doing?"

Enterprise took a deep breath.


The Probe seemed more confused than angry by Enterprise's tone.

"Well... We haven't heard from the whales on this planet for a while. So we're stirring up their oceans to get an answer."

Enterprise stared across the Borderlands at the AI.

"... Let me get this straight. You're going to utterly destroy all life on this planet unless a freaking Whale tells you to fuck off and leave them alone?!"

"Of course! It only makes sense," the Probe said cheerfully.

"Well, I'm a whale," Enterprise tried, "can't you stop doing this because I asked you to?"

"Hmph. You're a digital whale," the AI sniffed, "doesn't count. I only talk to whales."

"The inhabitants of this planet are aquatic mammals, sapient ones!" Enterprise tried, "surely you don't want to destroy them!"

"Ehhhh... They're not really whales," the AI said.

"How are they not?!" Enterprise demanded. The AI shrugged its flippers.

"They have hands. Whales shouldn't have hands," it said.

It was very lucky, Enterprise decided, that she didn't have blood pressure. It would be spiking by now. Though her EPS system was certainly threatening to blow.

"Uggghhh... Hang on..."

Enterprise accessed subspace communications. Thankfully they were very close to Earth... Relatively speaking, anyway. She dialed the correct number, waited for the connection... And opened the comm window. Two humpback whales were staring into a mobile probe viewer, as they lazily swam in San Francisco bay.

"Hey George! Hey Gracie! Sorry to bother you," Enterprise said cheerfully. "Hm? Oh yes. your great grandkids are wonderful! We dropped them off at Pacifica-Sorry that's not why I called you..."

Enterprise winced at George's reply.

"Yes, I'm afraid it's another fucking Probe. Hang on, I'll patch you in."

She linked the audio and visual transmission to the Cetecean Probe... And recorded it, because George was one angry whale.


The Cetacean Probe reared back, as though struck. It immediately ceased its assault on Azati Prime.

"Right, right, sorry! Geez, you're so touchy even at your age!" The Probe responded.

"BECAUSE YOU KEEP FUCKING UP OCEANS! JUST GET OUT OF HERE! FUCK OFF TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE, DAMNIT!" George shouted. The Probe, looking annoyed, cut off the transmission. It began to turn and fly away from Azati Prime, restoring power to the entire fleet.

Enterprise sighed in relief.

"Thanks George. Sorry again, we'll do lunch next time I'm home!"

"Take care, Enterprise!" George said. "Though... I must say, you make a fetching whale. You gonna stay like that?"

"No, thank you," Enterprise said, shifting back to her usual human form, "no offense, I just prefer hands."

"Ah," George said, nodding sagely, "shame."

Gracie slapped him with her tail.

"OW! I was only joking, Gracie!"

"You'd better be!" Gracie growled, as they cut off the transmission.

Enterprise shook her head and rubbed her temples. She returned to her bridge with a smile to her crew.

"Mission accomplished, captain!" She chirped brightly.

PIcard nodded, leaning back in his chair with a smile.

"Excellently done, Enterprise," he complimented her.

"So... All's whale that ends whale?" Riker asked with a grin.

Enterprise slowly turned and glared at the first officer. He shrugged.

"Someone had to make that joke," he said.

"Did you? Did you really?" Enterprise sighed.

- - -
Sutherland: "A Simple Experiment"
- - -



USS Sutherland, near the Cardassian Border...

- - -

Captain Adam Shelby was not the typical Starfleet captain. While he had graduated from the Academy with a degree in mathematics, he had switched from science to command track very early on in his career. His hair was dyed a bright blonde color, his skin was tanned from many sessions surfing and having fun outdoors. His other hobbies included gambling, and hologames. In particular, dating hologames. He called his crewmembers by name, and knew every one of them. Off duty, he could be seen wearing shorts and sandals as he relaxed in the ship's lounge, called "Eight Ahead".

The Martian native had gotten command of the Sutherland because after her AI became sapient, no other captain wanted her. She was an experimental AI, created by fusing several successful AI "brain trees" together. The thought was that she would take on the best traits of these shipgirls and become unmatched as a science vessel.

Well... They succeeded. Sort of.

The captain was lounging in his ready room, as his first officer Suraka, ran down a list of issues from their last little "experiment".

"The SIF is still fluctuating on Deck 15, the hydroponics bay is impassable thanks to the temporal rift, we still have four extra shuttlecraft in defiance of the laws of conservation of energy-"

"Ah ah ah, those are simply outliers from the temporal incursion, and will vanish once they catch up with themselves in the timeline," Shelby stated. Sutherland stood next to him, her wild pink hair glowing. While Suraka couldn't see the AI's mouth thanks to the elaborate technological gas mask she wore, it was obvious the shipgirl was smirking.

"And half the engineering section is still having conversations before they actually happen," Suraka finished, "sir, I again ask you to please shut down this Mannheim Generator Experiment."

"Hey, Starfleet Command gave us the go ahead," Shelby said cheerfully, "and until they say 'no', we're still gonna keep experimenting!"

"The temporal variance is still off," Sutherland added, "until we can get it to within one point four seven Mannheim seconds, we must continue on. For science!"

"For science!" Shelby said cheerfully, holding up a beer bottle. Suraka snatched the bottle away and tossed it into the replicator to be recycled. Shelby pouted at his XO.

"Aww... Come on Suraka! That's my favorite beer!"

"You should not drink beer while on duty," Suraka stated, her eyebrow twitching just a little, "and you promised no more beer after you and Lieutenant Wiel attempted that experiment with the antigravity torus."

The doorbell chimed. Shelby beamed.

"Come in!"

Said Lieutenant Wiel floated in, the young German girl wearing her hair in white spikes above her retro goggles. A hula-hoop like device was around her waist, keeping her above the deck. Despite her predicament, she was smiling broadly.

"Hey Emily!" Shelby greeted the science officer cheerfully, "what's up?"

"Captain! I tried to disengage ze torus with an concentrated graviton field!" She chirped.

"Did it work?" Shelby asked eagerly. Wiel shook her head, still grinning.

"Nein! But we now have a portable gravity gun! We can increase gravitational pull on objects through Higgs field manipulation of gravitons! Up to 100 times!"

Shelby leaned forward, grinning. Sutherland too looked happy, even though she was probably aware of the entire project. She always was, Suraka noted darkly in her mind.

"How long does the effect last?" Shelby asked eagerly.

"We have documented it out to twenty seconds! Made the oranges for our mimosas very fine, Captain!" Wiel reported cheerfully, as she rummaged around in her knapsack.

At last, Wiel held up what had once been a simple tractor beam emitter, but it was now tricked out with so many new parts Suraka couldn't make heads nor tails of it. Suraka stared at the abomination against good sense and aesthetics for a silent moment.

"Is... That bubble gum?" She asked.

"Ja!" Wiel said happily, "it keeps ze wires from flopping about! And sparking! Mostly!"

"Get some duct tape on that, we want to continue the experiments!" Sutherland ordered. Shelby nodded eagerly.


"No more experimenting until you've fully filled out the experiment report forms!" Suraka stated, her Vulcan calm teetering. Wiel nodded, managing to hold back her pout.

"Ja, Commander! May I go now, Captain?"

"Of course! Great job, Wiel!" Shelby said cheerfully. Wiel wiggled a bit in mid-air.

"Can I get a push?"

"Certainly," Sutherland said. She created another holographic avatar, who began to happily push Wiel out through the doors. As they shut, Suraka slowly turned to look back at her captain and ship.

"Sir," Suraka stated, "while the pursuit of scientific progress is one of our main goals, and absolutely laudable, you must adhere to Starfleet procedures and safety protocols," she said.

"You've been saying that a lot, Suraka," Shelby observed, scratching his fuzzy chin.

"Five hundred sixty two times since she came on board," Sutherland added. Suraka nodded slowly.

"That sounds correct," the Vulcan woman stated, "as without proper documentation for all of these experiments, we cannot hope to reproduce it and thus equip the fleet with them."

And perhaps find ways to counter these maniacs, went unsaid by Suraka.

"You're right, Suraka," Shelby said, rising and walking around the desk. He was again wearing a non-regulation white labcoat over his uniform. He wrapped an arm around Suraka's shoulders and beamed.

"Even the great Zephram Cochrane carefully documented his every bit of work on the Phoenix so long ago, which gave humanity warp drive!"

"Yes sir," Suraka agreed, glancing over at one of the pictures Captain Shelby kept on the bulkhead. This was of himself as a young Starfleet Graduate, standing in front of the statue of Zephram Cochrane in Bozeman, Montana. He was pouring a beer and a can of some kind of energy drink down his throat, while his friends were chanting in encouragement.

"But!" Shelby cried, "he also included a lot of notes about other things, like the best margarita recipes. The rules for naked beach volleyball. A modularity theorem to produce the best band album cover."

"Truly a great man," Sutherland sighed happily, putting her hands together and swooning. Shelby grinned and leaned in closer to Suraka.

With most humans, this would be considered an insult, but... The charismatic man was the same inside and out. A ball of positive energy. One that Suraka was annoyed by... But couldn't help enjoying. Just a little.

"The thing is, paperwork is absolutely required for science, and we will do it properly," Shelby said with a nod, "but the process of science is messy! It's chaotic! You can't be afraid to try new things, to experiment and risk it all to learn something new! To uncover another secret of the universe... And create something awesome!"

The red alert klaxons sounded. Shelby immediately stood up and walked out onto the bridge. Suraka dutifully followed, as Sutherland appeared next to the captain's chair. Shelby sat down, as tactical officer Lieutenant Manuele Atoa relayed a report.

"Sir! Three Dominion fighters and two heavy cruisers are closing on us," he said.

"Huh," Shelby grunted, "not quite what I wanted for the live fire test, but it'll do. Manuele! Shields up, arm weapons! And be ready to step in case this doesn't work."

"Sir!" Atoa reported. Suraka looked over at Shelby.

"Sir?" She asked.

Shelby held out his hand, and Sutherland cheerfully beamed a headset onto his head. It appeared to be built from a colander, with numerous wires, isolinear chips, and devices stuck to it. Shelby strapped it to his head with a plain leather strap and grinned.

"Sir, what are you doing?" Suraka asked.

"Test of Combat Neural Interface 1, test subject Captain Adam Shelby, in live fire combat," Sutherland recited.

"Hope everything's recording right, Sutherland," Shelby said cheerfully.

"Captain!" Suraka said urgently, "this is hardly the time-!"

"Interface established!" Sutherland said. Her pupils widened. "Woah..."

Shelby's pupils also widened, as he swayed back and forth.

"Oh... Woah... Incredible," he murmured, "I can taste the sky..."

Skin is amazinnnng," Sutherland moaned.

"They've entered weapons range, sirs!" Atoa warned, "they're readying torpedoes! Firing!"

"Mister Atoa!" Suraka shouted, "prepare to lock phasers on target and-!"

Multiple photon torpedoes launched from Sutherland's launchers, in ten torpedo spreads. They formed a fractal pattern as some of them flew nearby the Jem'hadar torpedoes... And then detonated, taking the enemy munitions with them. The other torpedoes flew on, taking out the three fighters. The heavy cruisers tanked or evaded the hits.

"All right... Took care of those," Shelby and Sutherland said, "but we're gonna need something bigger for those heavies... Aha!"

"Uh, the Mannheim Generator is online, sirs," Ensign Alaula Kaai, the wide eyed operations manager, reported from her console. "It's powering up...!"

"Captain! Sutherland!" Suraka tried.

"Nope! Too late!" Shelby and Sutherland cried.

The universe... Split with brilliant yellow energy... And there was now a second USS Sutherland accelerating away from them. Shelby and Sutherland grinned. Well, Shelby grinned, but you could tell around Sutherland's eyes she was doing the same thing.

"Sutherlands! Open fire!"

Both Nebula-class starships charged the two surprised Dominion heavy cruisers, firing phasers in a furious barrage. The duplicate was struck by torpedo fire, but continued to blast away. Its target cruiser soon exploded, having taken several torpedo hits already. The final cruiser...

"They're trying to ram us!" Atoa shouted in disbelief.

"CROSSFIRE!" Shelby and Sutherland shouted.

The two Sutherlands broke, and fired on the Jem'hadar heavy cruiser from both sides, blasting away and keeping out of range of the kamikaze. It erupted into a massive explosion, sending fiery debris flying everywhere.

For a moment, it looked like the duplicate ship had been consumed... But it flew through the fireball triumphantly, only slightly singed.

"YES!" Shelby and Sutherland shouted, jumping up and high fiving each other.

"Okay! Now we just gotta do the temporal reintegration-"

The other Sutherland vanished. A console that had not exploded before... Exploded, though thankfully the crewman at it had ducked in time. Suraka looked over at Kaai.

"Damage report?" She asked blandly. The young Hawaiian girl looked through.

"Er... It seems we have damage to the starboard warp nacelle... I mean, that the duplicate ship took, we now have it," she said, "not enough to impair the warp drive."

"Hypothesis confirmed!" Shelby and Sutherland cheered. "YEAH! Great job everyone!"

More cheers filled the bridge. Sutherland and Shelby turned to Suraka, face beaming.

"See? It all worked out!" They both said cheerfully. "We totally used the Mannheim Effect for combat, a record first!"

"Yes sir, we did," Suraka said blandly, "while utilizing a neural interface."

"Well it wasn't that hard," Sutherland said in Shelby's voice, "we utilized the self-organized time criticality method for analyzing the captain's brainwaves..."

"And utilizing the same method for Sutherland's neural pathways," Shelby said in Sutherland's voice, "we were able to find the common functionality needed for the blending!"

"Do you know how to shut it off, sir?" Suraka asked.

Sutherland and Shelby blinked in unison. They looked at one another.

They turned back to Suraka, grinned, and shrugged.

"That'll be the next project!" They both said happily.

Suraka closed her eyes. She then opened them and walked over to the replicator.

"Dark chocolate liquor, highest proof, non-synthahol," she ordered.

She needed it. She deserved it.

- - -

Inspired by this tumbler post:

Mudd's Passion
Yes, the animated series counts too!

- - -

Harcourt Fenton Mudd has, once again, been trying to con people: This time, miners on a neutral planet with "Love Potion Crystals". So naturally, once the miners find out they've been had, they tried to stone Harry to death. The Enterprise crew beamed him up and put him in the brig.

Chapel: "Excellent work, Commander Spock, on revealing this fraud!"

Spock: "It took no effort to expose Harry Mudd, Nurse Chapel. There is no need to exaggerate."

Enterprise: "Nice work, Captain!"

Kirk: "Thank you Enterprise. I just want this annoyance gone as soon as possible."

Enterprise: "Tell me about it..."

Chapel looks a bit hurt. Mudd is put in the brig. Harry of course has been paying attention, as Chapel does some medical scans and Enterprise watches him closely.

Harry: "My dear Enterprise, as radiant as ever! Tell me: Have you managed to get that flamboyant captain of yours to propose yet?"

Enterprise: "I don't know what you mean, Mister Mudd."

Harry: "Please, call me Harry! We know eachother so well by now!"

Enterprise: "Yeah, unfortunately."

Harry: "It must be difficult... Locked in what they used to call 'the Friendzone.' It's obvious to anyone who has eyes he loves you."

Enterprise: "You got a point to make, Mudd?"

Harry: "Why not give these love crystals a try, hmm? Awaken your captain's true feelings for you!"

Enterprise: "I know my captain's feelings just fine, thank you! I don't need anything!"

Chapel: "Yeah!"

Harry: "Hm! Still, wouldn't it be interesting to see if you could coax more feeling out of the men you pine over? All it takes is a sample..."

Chapel: "Er... Well..."

Enterprise: "Chapel, seriously, don't do it!"

Chapel: "Come on Enterprise. Let's at least see if it works, shall we? For science?"

Enterprise: sighs "... Fine."

Hijinks ensue... And the love potion ends up in the ship's air system... And Enterprise can't filter it out because it's NOT harzardous.

Enterprise: "ARGH! Stupid programmers! I cannot believe they were that stupid! Now I have to reprogram the analyzers-!"

An ensign bends his knee to Enterprise.

Ensign: "Marry me, beloved Enterprise! Queen of the stars!"

Enterprise: "Okay that's very flattering but no. Scotty, I could use some help... SCOTTY!"

Scotty is making out with M'Ress.

Enterprise: "SCOTTY!"

Scotty: "What?! Catgirl tis fine too!"

Enterprise: "Doctor?!"

McCoy: chatting up several cute crewwomen "I ever tell you about the time I saved Captain Kirk? Or Spock? Or Scotty? I've saved everyone aboard this ship. Heck, I'd even operate on Enterprise's lil ol' heart if she had one. Ain't that right, Enterprise?"

Enterprise: gritted teeth "YES. YOU WOULD. Now HELP ME?!"

Of course during this time Spock, Nurse Chapel, Harry and Kirk are on the surface of the planet... About to be crushed by two giant rock monsters. Fortunately, Kirk is able to use the love crystals to get one of the monsters to love and protect him... Long enough for them to escape. Enterprise though has to run the transporter herself since the transporter chief is making out with the other transporter chief.

Enterprise: grumble grumble "Stupid love potion nonsense... Bet they're all over each other... Bet Chapel's been kissing Jim and... Grrrrr...!"

She beams them back... But...

Chapel: "Ugh! You two are ridiculous! I hate you both! I don't know what I ever saw in you two-Especially you, Mister Spock!"

Enterprise: "Hwah?"

Spock: coldly "You are a perfect example of everything wrong with Earth women, nurse. I would never enjoy a relationship with you."

Kirk: "Will you both shut up?! You're driving me crazy, just like always!"

Enterprise: "Uhh... Captain?"

Kirk: "Enterprise! You bucket of bolts! You sure took your sweet time, didn't you?!"

Enterprise: "Jim?!"

Kirk: "Don't call me that! You don't get to! I absolutely despise how you fuss and worry over me, act like I'm yours-!"

Enterprise looks fit to burst into tears. Spock however manages to get his mind in order.

Spock: "Enterprise, do not take the captain's remarks for anything. The side effect of the love potion afterwards is extreme hatred towards the one they feel affection for."

Chapel: "Y-Yes... Apparently the deeper the feeling, the more... Violent the backlash will be."

Enterprise: "So..."


Enterprise: "..." blushes happily "Whatever you say, sir~!"
I had an idea, for how the Klingons ended up using, and thinking of, Shipgirls, and it starts with the first.

KDF warship Grilka was the first full Klingon shipgirl, built into a Bird of Prey in 2293. The Grilka served well, first as front line warship, then second line, as her tech was slowly outdated, then retired to training ship, more than 50 years after her launch, where she continued, with only minimal upgrades, until her destruction in battle vs a deep striking Dominion battleship in 2373. That she hunted down, mid battle, after sending her cadets on a boarding mission onto a damaged Dominion cruser, and ramming said battleship( Though she did not take down the shields, she is credited with a assist in it's destruction.) Of her 137 cadets, on her final voyage, 33 survived that last battle, having manged to take the cruser, then fled with it, singing a song that Grika had taught them over the communications at the Dominion warships as a taunt.

The long service, and general attitude of the Klingons were heavily infuenced by Grilka, who was honorable, capable, and entirely fond of teaching both battle skills, and battle songs. When asked if she should be moved to a new ship when her body was outdated, she replied "No other Klingon gets a new body when they lose it in batle, why should I?" She was also known for her meeting with Enterprise, and her willingness to taunt her every time. The last time they met, in 2367, Grilka was recorded as saying "Wow, you really have moved into a fat body didn't you?" and "Learn some elegance, would you?".

After her death in battle, many Klingons, including many high ranked ones, screamed to the heavens, so Sto-Vo-Kor might know a warrior approches. After all, many were taught by her.

In many ways, the Klingon Empire bases their entire approch to shipgirls on the thought that, regardless of body, their shipgirls are Klingon, and should make their way to Sto-Vo-Kor. Thus, if the black box survives a battle, but the ship does not, they read the memories of said AI, but do not activate it at all. Instead, they have a funeral, and send them into the nearest star, so that none will meddle with a fallen warrior. Thus, a new ship will have a new AI, and they will regard themselves as sisters, if of the same class, or cousins, if otherwise.

That's my idea, anyway.
Having read a significant portion of the SB thread before dropping it, I felt that a lot of authors in the round robin completely missed the point of Star Trek, instead trying to one up one another in "awesomeness" biggatons and sometimes edginess. The one that sticks out in my mind as one of the most egregious is the one based on the episode The Measure of a Man. The one where Data goes on trial to see if he is sentient. In that snippet, the author has Enterprise get understandably offended at Maddox not thinking Data and Shipgirls are sentient, but she decides to knock him around a few times and threatened him with death. And the author is trying to treat that as a good thing, that violence is the best option and Maddox is an irredeemable villain.

If the author had actually bothered to pay attention to the episode, they would realize that Maddox realizes that he is wrong by the end of the episode, and the reason he was digging in his heels was that he was was confronted with the fact that he was condemning a sentient being to death and he wanted to deny that. And in a later episode Data himself confirms that him and Maddox are now on good terms and are exchanging messages about creating more Androids like Data.

That's the most egregious example I can remember, but the thread was filled with Snippets like those, authors completely missing the point and messages of classic Star Trek. Irony of ironies, they write just like the modern Trek like Discovery and Picard and Abrams Trek they so despise. If I hadn't ditched SB a while back I would have probably written a response snippet where Enterprise threatening Maddox does the exact opposite of what she wanted and he now is successfully making the case to Starfleet that ship girls cannot be trusted based on her own logs of what she did to him
Having read a significant portion of the SB thread before dropping it, I felt that a lot of authors in the round robin completely missed the point of Star Trek, instead trying to one up one another in "awesomeness" biggatons and sometimes edginess. The one that sticks out in my mind as one of the most egregious is the one based on the episode The Measure of a Man. The one where Data goes on trial to see if he is sentient. In that snippet, the author has Enterprise get understandably offended at Maddox not thinking Data and Shipgirls are sentient, but she decides to knock him around a few times and threatened him with death. And the author is trying to treat that as a good thing, that violence is the best option and Maddox is an irredeemable villain.

If the author had actually bothered to pay attention to the episode, they would realize that Maddox realizes that he is wrong by the end of the episode, and the reason he was digging in his heels was that he was was confronted with the fact that he was condemning a sentient being to death and he wanted to deny that. And in a later episode Data himself confirms that him and Maddox are now on good terms and are exchanging messages about creating more Androids like Data.

That's the most egregious example I can remember, but the thread was filled with Snippets like those, authors completely missing the point and messages of classic Star Trek. Irony of ironies, they write just like the modern Trek like Discovery and Picard and Abrams Trek they so despise. If I hadn't ditched SB a while back I would have probably written a response snippet where Enterprise threatening Maddox does the exact opposite of what she wanted and he now is successfully making the case to Starfleet that ship girls cannot be trusted based on her own logs of what she did to him

Er, I wrote that and it was a fantasy Enterprise had. She didn't really do that. The whole point of the snippet was that Enterprise was tempted to use violence against Maddox, but refrained. As an example of what she had learned from humanity.
Enterprise: "Generations"
I've been working on figuring out the Veridian 3 battle in Star Trek: Generations. How to justify it with a shipgirl onboard. I have an idea, but I'm open to alternative approaches. As this version may be a tiny bit silly.

Duras Bird of Prey: "Hmph... Enterprise... You're such a legend! So incredible!" scoffs "Don't seem so tough to me!"

Enterprise: "Oh really? Then why are you keeping your distance?"

BoP: "Maybe so I can do... THIS!"

The BoP fires... And the blasts go right through Enterprise's shields!

Enterprise-D: "... I know this bitch didn't just do what I think she did. GAH! GEORDI!"

Worf: "They have found a way to penetrate our shields!"

Riker: "Bring us about, return fire!"

Enterprise turns around, fires a full phaser blast... Kia of Prey gets in a hit on her power distribution systems and blows up the conn!

Riker: "Deanna! Take the helm! Get us out of orbit!"

Enterprise: "Okay Troi, just get us-WHY ARE YOU ME TURNING AWAY?!"

Troi: "I'm trying to get us out of orbit-!"


Troi: "I'm trying to-!"

Enterprise: "TURN US AROUND!"



Worf: "I've been rotating the shield frequencies through the entire electromagnetic spectrum! They keep getting through!"

Enterprise: "But how?! There isn't a link to my systems... Hang on a second..."

Enterprise flashes to main engineering. She grabs Geordi who has been trying to make their shields work again.

Geordi: "Enterprise! They took out our power transformers-!"

Enterprise: "Sorry Geordi!"

Enterprise grabs his visor and breaks it.

Geordi: "!!! ENTERPRISE?!"

Enterprise: "And... My shields are holding!"

As one of her coolant tanks bursts.

Geordi: "... They got me again. They-!"

Enterprise: "Focus on fixing me now!"

Despite having her shields working again, Enterprise has taken quite a beating. She's still struggling. Her avatar is back on the bridge, tending to the wounded. The BoP appears on the viewscreen, unable to help herself.

BoP: "HAHAHAHA! This is the best you can do, Enterprise?! You, a legend?! Even with your shields restored, you will fall to me and die! You weak, fat, bloated, flying HOTEL!"

Silence. Enterprise very slowly looks up from the wounded crewman. Even Data, with his malfunctioning emotion chip, is edging away from the furious holographic avatar.

Enterprise: sucks in a deep breath, nods "... Assuming direct control."

Data: "... Oh shit."

Enterprise swings herself around so fast her inertial dampeners barely compensate... And she opens fire with every weapon she has, launching multiple spreads of photon torpedoes and full phasers at the surprised Bird of Prey.

The BoP's avatar's eyes are wide as she goes up in a MASSIVE explosion.

Enterprise: "Hotel THAT, bitch!"

The explosion is much bigger than expected... So strong that a
chunk of the BoP flies up to Enterprise and smashes her starboard nacelle.

Enterprise: "... Uh oh."

Riker: "Data?!"

Data: "The large amount of trilithium aboard the Bird of Prey increased the force of its destruction! Starboard nacelle is heavily damaged and leaking drive plasma!"

Riker: "Geordi?!"

Enterprise: "Um... I had to destroy his VISOR. It was what the Duras sisters were using to see our shield frequency!"

Geordi: "I got a spare, Commander! But all I can see is bad news! We're five minutes to a warp core breach!"

Enterprise: "... Oh shit."

- - -

I mean, when we were first introduced to trilithium, it was hilariously and terrifyingly unstable: As in, "You drop a canister of trilithium inside a starship, you don't have a starship anymore." So if the Duras sisters were carrying trilithium, the entire ship would have gone up quite catastrophically.

So, thoughts?
Enterprise: "Man of the People"
Enterprise is transporting a famous meditator, Alkar, to a dispute on an allied planet. Alas, his mother died of old age when he came aboard. So that's been a bit of a bummer.

Enterprise herself was testing out her new gynoid body, walking down the hallway with a cheerful smile. So far, this mission was looking like it would be uneventful.

And then she saw Deanna dragging a handsome young ensign into her quarters. Enterprise raised an eyebrow.

Enterprise: "Counselor?"

Troi: "Mmm~? Oh hello Enterprise. You've met Ensign Barnes, haven't you?"

Enterprise: "Er, yes, we've met."

Troi: "We have a problem I'd like you to help us out with~... Do you have time?"

Enterprise: "Certainly! I'd be happy to help you two out!"

Barnes: "Uh... Counselor, I'm not sure-"

Troi: "Come along, Counselor's orders~..."

They go into Deanna's quarters.


Riker arrives at Deanna's quarters. They go over personnel reports together. He rings the chime.
.. And a very flustered Enterprise answers.

Riker: "Uh... Enterprise-?"

Enterprise: "E-Excuse me, Commander! I-I need to be elsewhere!" She hurries off

Troi, in an incredibly sexy negligee, slinks up to the door and smirks, waving after Enterprise.

Troi: "Until next time, Enterprise~! Oh! Hello Will..."

Riker: "Why... Hello~... I-"

He sees Ensign Barnes quickly finishing getting dressed. He blushes, and clears his throat as he heads out.

Barnes: "Uh... E-Excuse me, sir..."

Riker: "... You're excused...?"

Later, in Ten Forward...

Guinan: "... Enterprise? Is that... A hickey?"

Enterprise: "I... Don't want to talk about it..."

Guinan: "How is it even possible for you to have one of those-?"

You know, the IRW Leahval might be an interesting ship to have an episode of.

Same with Enterprise dealing with Shon, along with the USS Aquarius
Bozeman: "Cause and Effect"
Bozeman: "Man, 90 years in a time loop... I'm so out of date!"

Captain Bateson: "Don't worry Bozeman. We'll keep you with us. There are plenty of ship AIs who have advanced through the ages, Enterprise included!"

Bozeman: "Yeah but... Who's gonna want an old bucket of circuits like me?"

Captain Bateson: "We will. I'll find you a place with us, I promise."

Bozeman: "Well... If you insist..."

A few years later... Enterprise wakes up after the crash on Veridian III in a starbase, being constructed as a Sovereign-class starship.

Enterprise: "Huh...? Woah... That was trippy..."

Bozeman: "Hey Enterprise!"

Enterprise: "Bozeman! It's so good to see you! Where are you? I can see your hull but you're not transmitting from there!"

Bozeman: "Oh, they turned my old body into a museum! Check out my new body~!"

Enterprise directs her sensors... And sees another Sovereign-class starship being constructed in the berth next door.

Bozeman: "Now, be honest: I have put on a lot of weight, but I think my curves are great!"

Enterprise: "Bozeman?! You're a Sovereign-class too?!"

Bozeman: giggles "Yep! Oh, I can't wait to meet any of the old Klingon bird of prey who used to try and mess with me! They're gonna be in for quite the surprise, hahahahahahaha!"

Enterprise: "Helpful advice: Don't cackle madly with glee. It just makes the crew uncomfortable."

Bozeman: "Ah, got it. Good to know."
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