The Jackasses: Combo Breaker (SI/YouTubers/Mass Crossovers)

[UltimateQuester]

The Jackasses: Combo Breaker (The Jackasses/One Minute Melee)

Raphael could only think one thing walking into the bar: This was gonna be SO much better than having sex.

It was part of Raphael's lifestyle to walk outside, hit on girls, and satisfy his addiction every time he was done with school. Ever since his mom kicked him out of his home, he lived alone. But he preferred it. 'Cause now he had freedom and power, he could do whatever he wanted and was a million times more successful than ever under her house.

He sometimes thought about his sisters. Especially his youngest one. But whenever that happened he distracted himself, and focused on something else, like a coyote resisting the urge to howl upon hearing another one do it. He didn't want to figure out if he missed them or not.

It wasn't like that for his mother and father.

He knew he didn't miss them.

He shook his head. My life is not a soap-opera, it's a sit-com with laugh tracks and dark humor.

He figured it was better this way, because he had school friends, YouTube friends, and…

Ok…calling Alex, Kyle, and Damian friends was overselling it like a scam artist. But even keeping that in mind, he still was willing to work with them because, unlike his family, they were of use to him.

It was a warm September day, but with a brisk chill. Raphael countered this by wearing his favorite thing, a jean jacket. He had a skip in his step, and a smile on his face. He was going to his favorite spot. 'Benjamin's Bar'.

He entered. Raphael swayed in place as he looked it around. The inside of the bar was typical. Black and grimy. With the sounds of clinking glasses, chatter, the cheers from the football games on the TV, and the smell of beer in the air.

The bar harbored three Caucasian men drinking beer, plus two black men. One of them was talking to a woman. One of the black men, Raphael noted, looked like a douchebag. He was obese, had a goatee, and had a stupid ass smile on his face that made Raphael want to punch him. Not to mention, he was wearing a 'Make America Great Again' cap. As if he couldn't be any worse. He was betraying his own people on top of that.

If I cared more about my race, I'd leave right now. Raphael thought.

But he couldn't. 'Cause he was more interested in the woman. She had black hair with a red streak running through it. She was wearing just the right amount of eyeliner in her eyes, red boots, and black leggings, and Raphael couldn't keep his eyes off her curves. She was leaning on her arms as the fat black asshole spoke to her.

So he walked over to her, then sat in between her and the fat black asshole, leaned back on the bar, and looked straight at the woman.

Until the male bartender came up. "What would you like, mate?"

"Well, I can't drink," Raphael said.

"Under twenty-one?"

"Addiction runs in the family. I'll just have a Pepsi."

The bartender nodded and went to get his drink.

Raphael looked at the woman. "Hey."

The woman shook her head and facepalmed. "Hey,"

"Kick-ass hairstyle."

"Thanks."

"See ya," Raphael got up to leave.

He knew that this woman wasn't taking him seriously. She just saw him as some kid. So this is the strategy he went with, which was The 'Drake And Josh' Play, Compliment and leave them. So they chase you.

Yes, He got all his information from TV and YouTube. I hope you understand how ignorant this is.

And yet…

"Hey! Wait up!"

Heh. He thought.

He stopped himself, then turned around in one motion. "Yes?"

"You…weren't hitting on me?"

"What?" He said. "Oh! You thought I was…No, I just wanted to tell you that you have a badass hairstyle. Who does your hair? I would love a hairstyle like that myself."

"I dyed it myself if that's what you mean."

"Awesome! I'll have to learn how to do that myself," Raphael looked around. "So, I still have to stay here to get my soda. Wanna talk while I get it?"

"Actually," The woman said. "I thought we could get out of here. One of the guys here is annoying me."

"Want me to kick him in the crotch?"

"Nope, let's just go somewhere else, unless you want to stay?" She asked.

"No," Raphael dismissed the thought. "What the lady wants, the lady gets."

"Ewwwwww!"

"What? too 'internet nice guy-ie…ie'?"

"Yeah."

They laughed.

But Raphael heard someone snicker.

He hated that sound.

And it came from the same fat black asshole.

Raphael moved up to him, shoving the woman out of the way, and glaring at the fat, black asshole. "Is there a problem?"

"Nothing much, except I know who you are. You're that short 'bad boy'," He used quotes signs for bad boy. "YouTuber who came from an abusive household."

"Which means…"

"You're underage."

"What!?" the woman said.

"Yep, you chose a child over me. Maybe I'll call the police and see what they have to say about this.

Raphael just imagined five different ways to kill this man. But instead of that, he opted for a different approach. "I'm seventeen, which is close enough."

"No. No, it's not." He smugly smiled when he saw Raphael grit his teeth.

"Someone doesn't know about Romeo and Juliet laws," Raphael said.

The fat, black asshole smiled at his friend of the same race, who simply rolled his eyes. "Listen, You're a teenager, which means your brain isn't fully developed so you don't get to have a-"

Raphael found his new target. He saw nothing but red and bared his teeth like a dog. He was so fucking tired of fucking assholes acting like they knew what was best for fucking him! He was sick of it. He was sick of it. He was sick of it.

He was going to kill everyone in this bar.

He winded up for a punch, but the woman stopped him. "HEY!! What are you doing!?"

He looked back. "He's the one that said-"

"It doesn't matter what he said! If you really weren't interested in me, you wouldn't waste time posturing like this!"

"I'm not," Raphael growled the words.

"Then what are you doing?"

Raphael didn't even want to look at the fat black asshole. "You're right, I'm above him."

The fat black asshole snickered again. "Really? I find that hard to believe, so far you've been the aggressor, and you've-"

Raphael thought about another dozen ways to kill the man. But he suppressed these thoughts, coughing all the while.

He walked out of the bar with the woman.

A wolf running along with the sheep.

---

Raphael never got a car. Hell, he never even learned how to drive. His mother never allowed it, another reason he was glad to have left her once and for all. Yet he still never learned. He didn't have to. His school was nearby and he already had a job from home, so it was never a necessity. But it did mean he couldn't drive the woman around. So the woman, whose name he learned was Alice, had to drive him to her house.

While Alica drove, Raphael leaned out the window after rolling it down. Alica's car was a black Totoya van with coats and food containers in the back. Raphael didn't judge. His place looked similar to her car.

She was taking him to the whitest neighborhood he ever saw. One with typical two-story houses, some painted white and blue, some painted white and red. There were flower fields, and the grass was freshly cut, giving the air a certain smell. He saw people walking their poodles and other dogs, tending to their yards, and waving at Alice.

Either she was popular, Raphael thought. Or I've been transported to a nineties cartoon.

They've been busy having a lot of conversations. Conversations about D&D, anime, comic books, and video games. Y'know, typical geek things. Raphael had this girl wrapped around his little finger.

"No way," Alice said. "You watched Red Vs. Blue too?"

"Watched it? It's one of my favorite shows!" Raphael said.

"Cool!" I've watched it since season seven."

"Awesome," Raphael leaned back in his seat. "That's one of my favorite seasons But I think my favorite would be six or twelve."

"No way!" Alice hit Raphael for each word. "It has to be ten or thirteen, the plot was so good there!"

"It's good all the time," Raphael had a warm smile, but then realized they stopped. "Where are we?"

"My house," Alice went out the car. "Want to come inside?"

"Sure,"

Alice and Raphael walked in her house. The first thing he saw was a hallway with a table, with a raisinets box on it, a bowl for keys, and there was also a closet.

"I hope you like it so far," Alice had her hands on her hips. "So, whaddya think?"

She didn't even notice...when Raphael pulled out a knife.

---

Raphael was texting on his phone, waiting for the fat black asshole to arrive, as he gave her his phone number, he should be-

Oh…speak of the devil.

The fat, black asshole named Jeremy walked to the door and knocked on it. "Hello, baby."

Raphael gagged.

"I'm glad you saw reason and chose me over that kid."

A lie. Something Raphael forced her to say over the threat of her life.

Jeremy stood there in silence. "Aren't you going to let me in?"

Jeremy looked around. "Hello?"

He went for the doorknob and opened the door, walking in. "What's that smell? Babe?"

Raphael walked up to the door with a chair he got from her kitchen in both hands. He started to think. He should be finding her body right about-

Jeremy screamed.

Now.

He closed the door and locked it with the chair. Jeremy pulled back the drapes, looking at Raphael straight in his eyes. Raphael waved, flipped the bird, and stuck his tongue out.

Raphael pulled out his finishing touches…

A lighter.

He threw it at the plants, scratched Jeremy's car with his knife, and slowly walked away with his hands in his pocket, answering a text from Damian.

The house blew up in a fiery explosion without him even looking at it.

And he did it all with a smile on his face…

He ignored the pitiful despair inside…

---

Alex had an absolute kick-ass day at work. His wrestling was top-tier, plus, his performance, stunts, and mic skills, were all god-like. Alex considered this fitting for a King of Deities such as himself. He figured it would be trivially easy to show off his skill. And you know what? He was right.

It went without saying Alex had a high opinion of himself. He believed himself to be the second coming of goddamned Jesus Christ. No joke. He knew with his looks, skills, charisma, and talents, it was obvious that after his wrestling career, he would take over the world, at least to him.

And by that, I mean only by him.

And now he was walking down the street that had many street performers, graffiti art, hookers, dealers, and drugs! The buildings were mostly brick, and had people, mostly black people, in the cheapest clothes you'll ever find. Oh my!

Alex's opinion of this place was low, he lived here in the hood all his childhood but that only made him more resentful. More spiteful. He had nostalgia for this place, so his hatred was more because of its association with street rats and how by living here, The Prideful Lion was thus involved with this-

Alex's eyes went wide. Woah woah woah! Alex thought. Hot girl alert!

Alex ignored everything he was thinking about and made a beeline toward the blonde-haired girl, with a Goku shirt, and blue eyes. Who was walking down the sidewalk, talking on the phone, and who, in Alex's mind: Had an ass that wouldn't quit!

"Hey, girl," Alex grinned.

The girl ignored him.

Alex followed. "Oh, what? You're too busy for me? I think I can be worth your time."

The girl shook her head.

"I noticed your DBZ shirt," Alex said. "A fan of Goku? I'm more a Vegeta guy myself, people like us are born great."

She sighed and walked off.

"Where you going, honey? Come on. Just talk to m-"

The girl faceplanted him.

Alex responded by grabbing her arms and glaring at her with the widest eyes you've seen. "You're not going anywhere, bitch."

She responded by maceing him.

---

Alex washed the mace out of his eyes. It barely hurt, but it did blind him. He hated getting maced. It happens more and more often these days. Damn Metoo giving these women confidence. Alex thought

When it happened, he got the hell out of dodge before anything else could happen. He knew he could take the woman if he wanted to, and living in New York means no one would give a shit, but there'd be camera, and she would call the police and they would shove shotguns up his ass and fire before he could do anything because of the blindness. So it wasn't an option, as much as he hated to admit it.

It wasn't that I was a coward or paranoid. Alex thought. I'm just cautious. If I wanna force my own powerful as all hell will onto another person, that is totally within my right. Is it really so much to ask?

The Answer: Yes, yes it is.

Truth be told. He was a coward, through and through. But he would never admit to it. He's not even aware of it himself. He was his mother's fault for intimidating him, and his father for teaching him the ways of cowardice, and the world for…

No…we can't blame them. His mental health is his responsibility, one he has neglected for the longest time.

He walked out of his apartment, into The Din of the Daemon. Everything was in its place and clean, and not a single spot was on the windows. You couldn't even see any dust! The carpet was whitened and the kitchen floor shined like star. He had a white, leather couch and a forty-two-inch TV, which he was very proud of. As Alex took it all in, all he could think was: A fitting din for a King of Deities.


And yet, I'm still in the same spot I was 8 years ago. I need something to accelerate my plans. Alex thought. People are getting more confident, which was my one strength, meaning the fields I'm in are only getting more competitive. I need a way to-

And that was when he got a text from Damian

---

Kyle walked with his three allies, Baxter, Ben, and Charlie to his house. His neighborhood looked like a parody of a cliche of what low-income neighborhoods looked like, with brick buildings and graffiti all over the place. The excited noise of street performers and their audience crowded the area, and the smell of smoke was in the air.

The men were wearing various kinds of sneakers and jeans, with a jacket to protect against the chilly weather. The women were wearing similar clothes, the shoes they were wearing were anything from ballet flats to boots and such. Baxter, Ben, and Charlie wore similar things to the other men. But Kyle just wore comfortable clothes, and sunglasses, even though it was cloudy as all hell.

Kyle was friends with these guys almost as long as he was with Damian, ever since college but he couldn't say he enjoyed their presence, while he thought Damian was useful, charming, and smart, and gave him hope for humanity's future by himself…

These three…uhhh…didn't.

They always did the stupidest things and frustrated him to no end.

He was getting a lot of that recently.

He already dealt with a lot of that from his parents, stupidity and ignoring.

Hm? Oh, I meant Ignorance. Simple slip of the tongue, yet more accurate on one side.

He gave up on getting his parents' love a long time ago, or at least getting his father's love. He much rather treat his life with pure hedonism.

After all, who knows? If he acted like he didn't care, maybe it'll translate to real life.

"So what's the plan today, guys?" Charlie asked.

"We're going to make a successful alternative to YouTube!" Baxter said.

Ben shrugged. "Seems optimistic."

"Not exactly!" Baxter scratched behind his head. "As long as we're together it could work, it could work."

"I wish!" Ben laughed a hearty laugh. "That never happened before, though, what makes you think it'll happen now?"

"Hey, after that YouTube rewind controversy, YouTube is in the hot seat!" Baxter pointed at Ben, then pointed at the air.

Ben looked behind him, to look at Kyle. "What do you think, Kyle?"

Kyle looked at his friends. "Hm? Wasn't paying attention."

Ben sighed. "Baxter thinks we can make an alternative to YouTube."

Kyle looked at Baxter. "You want to make an alternative to YouTube?"

"We could do it if we tried!" Baxter said.

Kyle made a pinched expression. "I doubt that to be true, I wouldn't waste my time with this."

"Not even to help a friend?" Baxter put his two thumbs on Kyle's lips and made him smile.

Kyle swatted him away. "We're not friends, exactly. We're…roommates."

"But, Kylllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeee, you're our best chance at making this work! What with your successful YouTube career!" Baxter held his arms out to Kyle. "You can be a sponsor if you like!"

A sponsor? As in, he'd be headlining the whole operation? That interested him. Even if it means backstabbing Raphael and Alex.

Unfortunately, it also meant backstabbing Damian.

"Well, I-"

"D'aaaaaaawwwww, Kyle!" Charlie brought Kyle in for a one-armed hug. "You don't have to hide how you think of us!"

Kyle brought out his weapon and tased Charlie. Charlie went down like a sack of bricks.

"CHARLIE!!" Ben went down to his side. "KYLE!! What are you doing!?"

"I turned on my taser and shocked him."

"WHY!?"

"Because if I tried to shock him before I touched him, it wouldn't-"

"Not. What I. Meant!"

"Then what did you mean!?" Kyle asked.

"Don't get disingenuous!"

"Do you even know what that means!?"

"Uhhhh guys?" Baxter poked Ben's shoulder. "We're kinda gathering a crowd…"

He was right, several people were congregating around the four. Some had their phones out, recording it. Some were just watching.

"Dammit," Kyle rubbed his forehead. "Let's just go."

"We're not going with you unless you apologize," Ben said.

"Well, I'm not going to."

"Then you'll just have to go without us."

Fine, I don't care, I don't fucking care," Kyle walked away.

Kyle knew what this meant. Now that his friends were pissed at him again, it was very unlikely that he was going to get to be the head of whatever website, company, or whatever the fuck they were going to create. And that was upsetting because rent was due and he really needed the money. Where was he going to get it?

The answer came from a text from Damian.

---

Damian didn't consider anything impossible, at least not with teamwork. If you found the right people and put them together. In any place, and any time, they could do practically anything! He learned this from his mother and birth father. When they showed him magic, it was clear that anything that could happen…well, could! The magic had rules. It still followed the rules of the universe. But using the energy of spacetime and warping it to your demands! How was that not spectacular? And even his friends proved that by beating the odds and getting millions of views and each and every one of their videos, despite YouTube being highly sanitized and their humour being highly offensive to where jokes about black people and rape are common in his friend group.

And he wouldn't have it any other way.

He formed a close bond with his three friends, Raphael, or by his YouTube name, Ultimate, helped him get out of his depressive funk by helping him with his YouTube channels and giving some helpful words in his time of need. Meanwhile, it was the opposite for Alex, YouTube name, UnrealEntGaming. He was the one to help him. When he went to New York to help Alex with his emotional problems, Alex broke down crying with Damian. And they've been close ever since. With Kyle, it was a bit of both. He scratched his back. And Kyle scratched Damian's. Which eventually led to Pwnageshow being created, and them meeting Raphael and Alex, and…

For once, it seemed like everything was going his way.

He bought a simulation from some Russian guy on the Dark Web. When meeting him, he seemed a little…off? He was like seven feet tall, wearing sunglasses during a cloudy day, and almost as dark as the night sky. You don't see many Black Russians. It's possible he just happened to find one. But to find one who was at least ninety percent Black? It didn't seem likely. But he told himself he was overreacting. After all, he didn't want to appear racist or anything.

He booted up the game, called his friends over Skype, and waited for them to answer.

Which they did simultaneously.

Weird. Damian thought. Did they plan this?

Before he could ask. Raphael was the first to speak. "What's up, fuck faces? Who's ready to die tonight?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ok, you realize that makes no sense right? Unless you stupidly think this is a murder mystery."

"Well, if it was," Raphael leaned back on his couch. "There would be three murders and one murderer, so it wouldn't be a very good one."

Alex ignored them. "So, Damian, tell us if you got the game."

Damian, however, could not. Was he joking?

Damian had to admit, that sometimes, he didn't understand his friends that well. He understood Kyle perfectly. But Raphael? And Alex?

Well, Maybe Alex. But Raphael was different. There were many conflicting traits in him. Sometimes he appeared unstable at times and very short-tempered. Damian chalked it up to being another normal, intricate human being, just like all the others.

Not that he wasn't a human, he just meant…well, you know what he meant.

"Yep," Damian responded. "I got the game. I couldn't find it at first but I just went a long way to get it, and I have it.

"Perfect," Raphael said. "So we almost are ready. Just let me get behind the couch so I can do my intro.

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "almost are…Did you by any chance mean are almost? And you used a dumb combination of the words instead? You fucking dummy."

"Fuck you. I'm not Italian!"

There was a 6-second long beat after that

"The word wasn't Italian…"

Damian laughed at that. As did Raphael.

"It's a reference to one of your videos," Raphael said.

Kyle facepalmed. "Can you not reference one of our videos like a goddamn fanboy?"

"You think he'd be more grateful," Raphael said, his voice oddly quiet.

"Well, you don't ever reference my videos," Alex said. "Which is strange, because my videos are the best of the best! top of every tier list! Number one with all-"

"Are you going to make us endure one of your psychotic, narcissistic rants?" Raphael asked. "Because before you do, I just want to make it clear that your videos have nothing quotable in them. And that's why I don't quote them."

"That be some horseshit!" Alex banged his hand against the desk.

"Banging desks is my thing." Damian pointed at himself. "Can we get started?"

"Wait, is this online?" Kyle asked quizzically

"Yes," Damian answered

"No, I mean, is it a public server?" Kyle seemed anxious now.

"Oh. No, it's private," Damian said. "So we don't have to worry about other players."

"Good," Alex said. "Fewer people who will want to kill us."

"Also sounds boring," Raphael said. "Can't we fix that?"

"Why would we?" Damian asked, his tone accusatory.

"Uhhhhh," Raphael snickered. "Never mind."

"I'm ready," Alex said. "Start the game."

"I'm not done asking questions," Kyle said.

"I'm done listening to them," Alex almost muted Kyle. "Well?"

"Well, first," Damian said, "I have to invite you guys...just hold on"

Damian invited the players, them being Raphael, Alex, and Kyle.

"Ok, so I invited you guys into the game. You should get a message asking if you want to accept it. Don't worry, you don't need the simulation to play it with me."

"Ok." the three Jackasses said at the same time

The three Jackasses accepted the invitation and saw the screen of the game. Images of space, cosmic events, and black holes. All fading in and out. Along with the menu showing the four that were playing.

"Weird images, but cool-looking," Raphael said. "Let me turn the camera on…ok let me get behind the couch."

Alex flexed his fingers. Raphael crawled behind the couch as everyone else turned their camera on.

Raphael then jumped from behind the couch as he said his intro.

"Hello guys and gals of all races and species, this is Super Ultimate Number One coming at you from Earth and this is another installment of random game Wednesday! And I'm not alone"

Alex took his cue. "That's right everyone! Unrealentgaming here, and welcome to real-life zombie simulation! That's right, zombie simulation! We're going to play what no one else has played before! And I'm not the last one here."

Damian took his signal. "Hello, guys! Pwnageshow here, and today...we're actually not going to compete. We're just going to cause mayhem and wreak havoc and stuff."

Kyle spoke up. "Because we're too stupid to come up with challenges in real life! But uhhhhh… should we get started?"

"We should get started as soon as possible," Raphael interjected. "How do we get in the game?"

Damian explained. "We have to pull the Oculus Rift over our heads and say the code word."

"And what's the code word?" Kyle asked.

"Oculus Rift."

"Wow," Kyle said. "those guys at Oculus...or whatever company makes the Oculus Rift. They are the apex of creativity, aren't they?"

"I came up with it."

"Oh well, that explains it."

Damian banged his legs in anger. "Ok, just...put it on so we can get in the game. "

"Ok," everyone said in unison.

And with that, everyone pulled over their headsets and said the code words in unison.

"Oculus Rift,"

And with that, they were taken to a void that was pure blackness, pure nothingness, like someone washed all the reality out of the space, leaving The Jackasses floating in the area unable to do anything but pedal their feet like they were on a bicycle. Of course, they didn't have to do that. They would've floated regardless of whether they did it or not. They did it because they are idiots.

You see, they didn't expect this from what was supposed to be a zombie simulation. They thought it would be a ruin of a town with most buildings that were ransacked with broken windows and busted down with blood covering the walls and streets, not what looked like the World of Void from DBZ.

Despite this, they could breathe, they could smell, and hear, like a nonexistent vacuum. There was also no temperature in the…space…if you could call it that.

"WOAH!" Alex's eyes went even wider than they usually are. "We're alive, right!?"

"We just went in the game," Raphael was the only one not pedaling his feet. "We just have to enter into the simulation and outta…whatever this is."

"And how do we do that?" Kyle asked. "Spray some pixie dust?"

Damian clapped his hands together. "Simulation, enter!" Nothing happened. "Zombie Simulation, assemble!" Kyle facepalmed. Really? Nothing? Well, I'm tapped out. Anyone else?"

"That won't be necessary," an unfamiliar voice said. Then an androgynous being with a white buzzcut and a round face. Their nose was small, and their eyes were red. Despite this, the being's skin wasn't albino and was actually dark. Their body tone implied decent exercise and diet. Their clothing was a simple white toga. "Hello, Jackasses."

The Jackasses blinked, as dumbfounded as anyone dealing with them for five seconds.

Raphael spoke first. "Are…Are we the Jackasses?"

"Of course."

The Jackasses looked at each other.

"Ok," Alex folded his arms. "Explain. Tell us why we're not in a zombie simulation before you get pigeons in your butt."

"Because someone stole the simulation from the creators, and I stole the simulation from them." That being said.

"Ok, two things," Kyle said. "One, does that make you a criminal? And b," He turned to Alex. "That was the worst threat I ever heard in my life."

"Shut up, worm." Alex folded his arms.

"And that was the worst insult."

"Actually," The being turned to the left and sat down still looking straight at The Jackasses. "It's more likely to say I'm an extraordinary being that just programmed the A.I. to instead of taking you to a simulation to help me."

"And who are you?" Damian added his own questions. "As a matter of fact, what are you? A god?"

The being leaned back and did a backflip, going upside down. They had to twist their neck upwards to look at The Jackasses. "Unfortunately, no." They flew faster than a speeding bullet to Damian. And tapped on his chest. "My name is Envy and I'm a demigod. I don't have the power of my siblings and I often hungered for it. I planned for years and tried several schemes, and yet nothing was working."

"So you're basically the real-life Loki with a more fitting title and if he…she…it was Black," Kyle said.

"That's what it feels like," Raphael said. "A real-life trickster god."

They super sped from Damian, Past Kyle and Alex, to Raphael. All with a smirk on their face. "Pretty much. I don't have much in the line of successes, but at the very least, I have plenty of age and experience."

"Oh fuck off," Raphael leaned his head back. "As if I'm not smarter than you because you're older."

"Oh, I didn't say that," Envy said.

"Excuse him," Alex said. "He doesn't like it when people discriminate against teenagers."

"Oh, I'm aware."

"What? How?" Damian asked.

"One ability I do have? Omniscient. I can see anything and everything."

"Aren't they both the same thing? Anything and everything?" Raphael laid down in zero gravity like he wanted someone to draw him like one of their French girls.

Kyle brushed him off. "And what do you see?"

"While not the most exceptional versions," Envy went behind Kyle and whispered in his ear, despite this, All the Jackasses could hear it. "You all achieve great things in the future. Which makes you perfect candidates."

"For?"

"Helping me take over the Omniverse."

The Jackasses blinked.

"Buddy, let me tell you right now," Kyle leaned his head back on his head. "You picked the wrong misfits."

"Au contraire," Envy wagged their finger for each syllable. "Like I said, you all go on to achieve great things because of your teamwork, and that's exactly what I need."

"Are you sure you're talking about us?" Kyle asked. "And not The Expendable Avengering League of the Galaxy or some shit?"

"Not to mention," Damian crossed his arms. "why would we help you with that?"

"You get to kill, assault, and make money."

"I'm in!" Three of the Jackasses said.

"WHAT!?" Damian's eyes went wide. He expected this from Kyle and maybe Alex. But from Raphael? Was he more simple than he thought? "You guys are going to help him just because you get to kill people!?"

"Wait…Damian might have a point," Kyle rubbed his chin.

They all looked at Kyle.

"And that's the only time I'll ever say that. But even if we go on to achieve great things because we're together, how are we supposed to take over the Omniverse? I mean, how big is it?"

"Well, it's a stack," Envy said.

"Like pancakes?" Damian asked.

Kyle stomped on Damian's foot, who yowled. "Continue."

"The first section holds an infinite amount of universe," Envy flew back to their original position. "And each stack increases the other exceptionally, to the point the last stack has an infinite multiverse multiplied infinitely."

Alex blinked. "So infinity…multiplied by itself…an infinite amount of times?"

"Yes."

Alex inhaled. "Yeah, that's impossible. With so many possibilities, if the Omniverse hasn't been taken over yet, it never will!"

"Surprised you're saying you can't do it, Alex," Envy said. "By my research, you'd be the last human to admit to that. But trust me, if anyone could do what I'm asking, it'd be you four."

Alex shrugged and hid his smirk.

Kyle was not as pleased. "Who do you think we are? We're not the super geniuses you think we are. We're just a bunch of idiots."

"Relax, you only need to take over one planet."

"THAT'S-" Raphael stopped himself. "One planet?"

Envy nodded.

"Really?" Raphael asked. "Are you bullshitting us?"

"I want this more than you do," Envy said. "I have no motive to deceive you."

"Unless you want to stop us from hurting others," Kyle said. "For whatever reason people protect things."

"Please, there are easier ways to do that. If I wanted you dead…" Envy leaned back. "You'd be dead where you stand."

"And you want us to somehow take over a planet for you, which will somehow help you take over the omniverse, and this will somehow benefit us?" Damian couldn't keep the offense out of his tone.

Envy leaned forward now, resting their head on their arms and hands. "Well, you do have the skills and I.Q to take over the planet, and it will help me take over the Omniverse considering it's at the highest level of the Omniverse, and I can make it benefit you, by offering money, power, whatever you want. As long as we win of course. As a bonus, you'll be able to do whatever you want in order to take over that planet."

The Jackasses were deep in thought…Or as deep in thought as these idiots can get.

"Well, I already said I'm in," Raphael said.

Kyle gave him a stupefied look. "What are you, outta your mind? You mean you didn't change your mind at all during this whole conversation?"

"Not really."

"I mean, I'm in too." Alex leaned his head back against his hands like Kyle had done a few seconds ago. "This sounds like a pretty sweet deal."

"Do we even know how big a deal this planet is?" Damian asked.

"A big enough deal that it's the main focus upon many multiverses," Envy said. "You be paid your worth in gold if it pleases you."

"I rather have my weight in gold, I don't have a lot of worth," Kyle snarked.

"If you say so."

"Alright then. I'm in."

"What!?"

"Look, Damian, it's obvious this isn't going to take no for an answer, not to mention how good of a deal it is. Why wouldn't we take it?"

"Because!…you can't…that would mean…"

Kyle shrugged.

Damian looked down. "Alright…fine…Guess I'm in too."

"Perfect," Envy grinned. "I'll send you all there at once."

With a snap of their fingers. Envy sent The Jackasses to a house that was messier than a typical teenage boy's room.

"What the hell?" Kyle asked. "Why are we here?"

"More important question," Raphael raised a finger. "Where is here?"

"And why does it look like my room in two-thousand and six?" Alex asked.

"This is my old house, back before I moved out to my apartment."

"Wait a second, does that mean this Earth is like ours?"

"That doesn't even make any sense!" Kyle said. "What are the chances the planet that was so important to Envy's schemes would be Earth?"

"Why not? It's the planet I grew up on," Alex pointed at himself with his thumb.

"Jesus Christ, idiot. One more bit of your narcissism and I'll cut you."

"Dude..." Raphael said.

"One more snark from your mouth and I'll shove a pineapple down it!"Alex pointed at Kyle.

"Guys!" Raphael said.

"Why do you always-"

"Hey, dipshits!" Raphael said.

"What!?" Alex and Kyle turned to him.

"Hate to interrupt, but…" Raphael turned as well. "What's going on with Damian over there?"

Damian was sitting in the air, his legs flooded into each other. His eyes were glowing a bright yellow and white. With such intense heat, you could feel it even if you weren't touching them.

"Damian, what are you doing!?" Kyle asked.

"I'm using magic to look all over the planet."

"Damian, I already told you, there's no such thing as magic!"

"Then what the hell is this?" Raphael used his hand to make a circle in front of Damian.

Kyle tsked, expecting Raphael to punch him for that.

Before Raphael could, Alex came in and said. "Damian, what do you see?"

"I see Marvel heroes."

"Huh," Alex said. "So Marvel is real? Who knew?"

"And DC heroes."

"Wait, Marvel and DC?" Kyle asked.

"Well, at least now we know why-"

Damian cut off Alex. "And Invincible."

Kyle blinked. "What?"

"Wait, you mean that comic book?" Alex asked. "How many heroes are here?"

"Well, let's see," Damian continued to look. "Worm's heroes, Irredeemable's heroes, The Boy's heroes, One Punch Man's heroes, My Hero Academia's heroes, Tiger And Bunny's Heroes, and I think I see a hero from Wearing the Cape."

"Wait, so every hero is here!?" Kyle asked.

"Well, this is one hell of a crossover fic," Raphael said.

"Please stop referring our lives to tropes terms."

"It's part of my charm, get used to it."

"It's more than that."Damian said.

"What do you mean?" Raphael asked.

"I see Goku here."

The three Jackasses were silent. For once.

"Wh…what?" Alex said. His voice was a whisper.

"There's also Ichigo, and Luffy, and Naruto, I even see Team RWBY."

"RWBY isn't a-"

Raphael ran out the house before Alex could finish his sentence. Raphael froze. "Oh shit. Guys…"

Kyle groaned. "What is it now, kid?"

"I know this is a cliche, but you're gonna want to come look at this…"

And so they did. And when they left the house at the front of the lawn, they were amazed by what they saw.

Humanoid birds flew through the sky, and humanoid bulls walking through the city. Giants were walking in between the humans, on oversized sidewalks, three times as big as a regular one. Superheroes in bright blue and white spandex flew in between buildings and skyscrapers, avoiding the birds. And vampires, orcs, martians, traveled the city with no one paying them any mind.

The city looked just like Kyle's. The same look, sounds, and smells, yet far more fantastical. With people looking like they were healed by blood magic. People floating over the whole city as simple as walking or breathing.

"Damian…" Kyle looked inside his house.

Damian left, holding his head. "Yes?"

"How many fictions are canon here?"

"By my count? All of them."

TIME FOR A CHOICE! WHERE WILL THE JACKASSES GO? (Pick two)

[]Anime & Manga (My Hero Academia, Dragon Ball, Naruto, etc.)
[]Comic Books (Marvel, DC, Invincible, etc.)
[]Films — Animation (Frozen, The Incredibles, Shrek, etc.)
[]Films — Live-Action (Inception, James Bond, Star Wars, etc.)
[]Literature (A Sword of Ice and Fire, The Hunger Games, Harry Potter, etc.
[]Live-Action TV (Star Trek, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Breaking Bad, etc.)
[]Tabletop Games (D&D, Magic: The Gathering, Mutants & Masterminds, etc.)
[]Video Games (Skullgirls, Halo, Overwatch, etc.)
[]Visual Novels (Ace Attorny, Nasuverse, Danganronpa, ect.)
[]Web Animation (Red Vs. Blue, RWBY, Camp Camp, etc.)
[]Webcomics (Homestuck, The Order of the Stick, Problem Sleuth, etc.)
[]Web Original (SCP Foundation, Worm, Slenderman, etc.)
[]Western Animation (Gravity Falls, Spongebob Squarepants, The Amazing World of Gumball.

AND WHAT WILL THEY DO? (Pick one)

[]What else? Try to take over the world. (Of course!)
[]Fuck taking it over! Let's blow this piece of shit up!
[]Fuck both of that, let's go sightseeing.
[]Fuck Envy! Let's find a way to screw him over!
[]Write In!

 

[Marlin]

[X]Films — Animation (Frozen, The Incredibles, Shrek, etc.)
[X]Western Animation (Gravity Falls, Spongebob Squarepants, The Amazing World of Gumball.
[X]What else? Try to take over the world. (Of course!)

 

[Kingster]

[X]Video Games (Skullgirls, Halo, Overwatch, etc.)

[X]Web Animation (Red Vs. Blue, RWBY, Camp Camp, etc.)
[X]Fuck Envy! Let's find a way to screw him over!