I may or may not continue this, it depends on whether or not people care. It's all in an...
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The Story of Tamakaya Nishigaya
- Thread starter Remilia
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Remilia
Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2018
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- 13
I may or may not continue this, it depends on whether or not people care. It's all in an original universe. Feedback is welcomed, especially considering I'm rather new to writing.
A girl slinks between bushes and trees, a bow and a quiver full of arrows on her back. Her feet leap off grass, rocks, and tree roots as if they weren't even there. Her hair is cut short and well kept, dyed black on one half and pure white on the other. Her skin is ghostly pale, covered mainly by her thin body armor that continues the black and white theme. It sports a black, upside down heart on her chest, an emblem unique to her family. Despite such a contrasting outfit that would be bound to catch anyone's attention, the forest around her continued as if she wasn't there. Birds sing while squirrels shift their gazes from place to place. She was keenly aware of how she dressed, and like a cat with a bell on its collar, she too learned to counteract it. A self-imposed disadvantage that, to her, made the hunt much more enjoyable.
"Her name's Tamakaya Nishigaya na Ryuu-shi, heh, say that five times fast. She's a hermit, keeps to herself most of the time, except for when you get her really pissed. She's rather prideful, more so than you'd expect from the Nishigaya family. A real stickler for tradition, too. Sheesh, just try joking about something improper near her. At best, she'll glare. At worst, well, I'm still trying to recover from that."
She stalks her prey behind the cover of trees and rocks, acting to conceal her presence. She calmly watches a deer trot along the border of a pond, unaware of its impending danger. It eventually stops to lower its head to the water, peacefully taking a drink. She drew her bow from her back, placed an arrow onto it, then brought the string to her cheek. She eyed her target, standing poised in this position, ready to strike at any moment. Standing like this, she was able to take another creature's life whenever she pleased. She reveled in this state, a position of power over another being. Its existence was now in her hands. Should it die slowly, or should it be struck in the heart? Perhaps the head? Or should it be given mercy, and left to continue its drink?
"She's loyal to herself first, her family second, and after that it all comes down to who benefits her most. Or, at least, whoever annoys her the least. She doesn't hold too much political power, but due to her royal status, I'd be weary of getting on her bad side, given that the rules don't quite apply to her quite as harshly as they'd apply to you."
Moments before she would've unleashed her arrow, her sensitive ears pick up a slight sound that rang in her head, a twig broken in a nearby bush. Without changing her footing, her eyes shift to the offender. Her eyes glare at it, attempting to make out what was hiding in there. She slowly made out the image of another human, another woman with a what appeared to be a rifle. The new target's hands slowly moved to reload the weapon. She reached for a pouch carefully with one hand, her other holding the gun, yet clumsily spilled all of her bullets onto the grass. She bent to retrieve her ammunition, leaving herself exposed from her cover.
"In her eyes, there's little difference between the head of a beast, the head of a deer, and the head of someone who stands in her way. She takes trophies from them all the same. I've had the pleasure of touring her castle before, I find it interesting how she's willing to display the head of a deer next to the jewelry of someone she killed."
She slowly readjusts the bow to point at the woman in the bush, then gracefully releases her arrow. It courses through the air, diving just shy of her heart. It crashes into her, spilling blood over her green dark green camouflage. The woman was is left to clutch her chest, writhing in pain. Tamakaya smirks, then quietly loads her next arrow, looking to the deer.
"So, think you can handle it?"
I grinned and stood up from my chair. I shifted my gaze from the contract to the man before me, reclining in his chair. On his desk was a variety of other paperwork, and on his face was an eyepatch. I pushed the contract along the desk, my signature scribbled onto it in fresh ink.
"May the huntress be hunted."
A girl slinks between bushes and trees, a bow and a quiver full of arrows on her back. Her feet leap off grass, rocks, and tree roots as if they weren't even there. Her hair is cut short and well kept, dyed black on one half and pure white on the other. Her skin is ghostly pale, covered mainly by her thin body armor that continues the black and white theme. It sports a black, upside down heart on her chest, an emblem unique to her family. Despite such a contrasting outfit that would be bound to catch anyone's attention, the forest around her continued as if she wasn't there. Birds sing while squirrels shift their gazes from place to place. She was keenly aware of how she dressed, and like a cat with a bell on its collar, she too learned to counteract it. A self-imposed disadvantage that, to her, made the hunt much more enjoyable.
"Her name's Tamakaya Nishigaya na Ryuu-shi, heh, say that five times fast. She's a hermit, keeps to herself most of the time, except for when you get her really pissed. She's rather prideful, more so than you'd expect from the Nishigaya family. A real stickler for tradition, too. Sheesh, just try joking about something improper near her. At best, she'll glare. At worst, well, I'm still trying to recover from that."
She stalks her prey behind the cover of trees and rocks, acting to conceal her presence. She calmly watches a deer trot along the border of a pond, unaware of its impending danger. It eventually stops to lower its head to the water, peacefully taking a drink. She drew her bow from her back, placed an arrow onto it, then brought the string to her cheek. She eyed her target, standing poised in this position, ready to strike at any moment. Standing like this, she was able to take another creature's life whenever she pleased. She reveled in this state, a position of power over another being. Its existence was now in her hands. Should it die slowly, or should it be struck in the heart? Perhaps the head? Or should it be given mercy, and left to continue its drink?
"She's loyal to herself first, her family second, and after that it all comes down to who benefits her most. Or, at least, whoever annoys her the least. She doesn't hold too much political power, but due to her royal status, I'd be weary of getting on her bad side, given that the rules don't quite apply to her quite as harshly as they'd apply to you."
Moments before she would've unleashed her arrow, her sensitive ears pick up a slight sound that rang in her head, a twig broken in a nearby bush. Without changing her footing, her eyes shift to the offender. Her eyes glare at it, attempting to make out what was hiding in there. She slowly made out the image of another human, another woman with a what appeared to be a rifle. The new target's hands slowly moved to reload the weapon. She reached for a pouch carefully with one hand, her other holding the gun, yet clumsily spilled all of her bullets onto the grass. She bent to retrieve her ammunition, leaving herself exposed from her cover.
"In her eyes, there's little difference between the head of a beast, the head of a deer, and the head of someone who stands in her way. She takes trophies from them all the same. I've had the pleasure of touring her castle before, I find it interesting how she's willing to display the head of a deer next to the jewelry of someone she killed."
She slowly readjusts the bow to point at the woman in the bush, then gracefully releases her arrow. It courses through the air, diving just shy of her heart. It crashes into her, spilling blood over her green dark green camouflage. The woman was is left to clutch her chest, writhing in pain. Tamakaya smirks, then quietly loads her next arrow, looking to the deer.
"So, think you can handle it?"
I grinned and stood up from my chair. I shifted my gaze from the contract to the man before me, reclining in his chair. On his desk was a variety of other paperwork, and on his face was an eyepatch. I pushed the contract along the desk, my signature scribbled onto it in fresh ink.
"May the huntress be hunted."
Remilia
Your first time is always over so quickly, isn't it?
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2018
- Messages
- 4
- Likes received
- 13
Well, could you tell me what works and what doesn't? Thank you for your help, but it is indeed a little vague. And, well, he's not quite a legitimate source of "justice" but I'm sure we could get to that if I continued.
vyor
Oh that's cute
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2015
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Generally in a text based medium "voice overs" break immersion and coherency, essentially making it harder to keep track of what's going on. A better way to do it is to split the exposition into the cutaway, essentially having it merged with this part:
This allows you to control, in the audience's mind, how the character is saying things and not just that they are saying them, which is rather important. How they're standing, how they're sitting, and their facial expressions being described all go a long way in helping story flow and readability.