Quick note: This story does include some Gamer style elements. Outside of the first two...
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Nugar | 5 |
You seem to be flip-flopping on past and present tense here.It was pretty late at night, and I'm patrolling a mix of slums, and the slightly higher end commercial districts that border the slums. So far, it's been fairly quiet, crime wise. I broke into an apartment where I heard a violent domestic argument, dislocated the shoulder of and punched a guy unconscious, and gave the woman a card with the address of a women's shelter I've been supporting.
I really like that the gamer power comes from a specific named omnipotent being rather than a random omnipotent being. I think more stories should have snobs than robs or bobs.
You've got at least one error in the first sentence: "It was pretty late at night, and I'm patrolling a mix of slums"I think it's right here, because the paragraph is a mix of present and past events. It's not a well constructed paragraph, but the tenses are correct for the actions.
Then I got sicker. And sicker. And lost the new job.
I am now unemployed and on medicaid. I'm broke. I'm also pretty sick, and it doesn't look good for getting better. This is probably the downward spiral.
Tell me more about how he is going to save Gotham anally. Lol.
I like this fiction but I'm still not sure what it's even supposed to be. It's an insert with both modern and meta knowledge, but it's not supposed to be focusing on abusing that like in medieval uplifts or race for God hood type stories. It's a gamer fic with numbers that go up, but we are forewarned the numbers don't matter and will fade to the background soon. It's a rookie hero doing street level crime fighting, intending to go into high level super fights for the earth at some point. It's an empire management type story where he gathers talents to grow his wealth and expand his empire. It's a crafter story with alot of technobabble about how great the crafted stuff is...
Not only am I not sure where this is going, but worse, I'm not sure you are either. It's not bad to have any of these elements, entire stories have been made from each one. You don't want too many conflicting elements at once in the same story though or they won't mesh well. You will need too much focus on one at the expense of others, or get caught up flooding us with minute details that don't really matter while the plot is frozen in time for 3 chapters. That sort of thing, as well as losing motivation if people get mad later when the story goes from super hero to business magnate or whatever.
I don't mean to say you don't have the skill to pull it off. I am just worried about how ambitious it seems. I mean to friendly warn you early for your own good and the good of the story, not skeptically shit on what you are trying to do here op.
Maybe you are a genius and part of the story IS the conflict between all this stuff. Where the si laments that he doesn't have time to fully develop all these future plans, use metalknowledge to recruit all the super scientists before lex and keep them from going evil, build up the company and introduce new products, fight street level crime, found the justice league, and still be a happy healthy person. Maybe the whole point is the sacrifices he has to make to really become batman wtf do I know. It might be a masterpiece, I can tell you have the potential.
But from just this much it seems a tiny bit jumbled and each chapter reads more like a different story. Like one chapter he is an immortal cultivator fighting a sect that dishonored him and the next he is attending high school and in a love triangle.
That is some serious case of Bland-Name Product there, holy shit.It's 1997, so the hottest new pc game is Devlish, just released that Jan. On the console side, Epic Adventure VII has been dominating the markets.
I see what you mean, and I share your concern, but I don't think it's quite that bad. This is Batman. You have a progression
I made that mistake across all three sites. Fixed.
Transition made me suspect he's going to meet his date while inspecting the path.I Gendo posed for a bit, considering the problem, my thoughts chasing each other like rats on a wheel.
Fortunately, Alfred interrupted me.
"Ah, Master Bruce. I've just been informed that the workers have finished the stone path to the cottage and are wrapping up. If you've the time, the foreman requests you take a look and sign off on the task."