Somewhere I Belong, AKA Thousand Hands (Naruto AU)
Naruto teams up with (Fem-)Sasuke, known as...
Naruto teams up with (Fem-)Sasuke, known as...
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User | Total |
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AoMythology | 16 |
Rather too cliche to be honest. "Suddenly a genius after learning how to properly read" is perhaps a bit too much. Maybe get him to get a significant but non-extreme improvement at first, and then keep improving until he gets to the top of the class like this?A few months later, his scores ended up higher than the class's highest scoring student, though he had already forgotten the girl's name. The (academia only) scores were as follows:
Naruto: History: 100/100, Biology-anatomy: 100/100, Math: 97/100, Sciences: 99/100, Tactics: 92/100, Traps: 90/100, Ninjutsu theory: 100/100
Unknown girl: History: 100/100, Biology-anatomy: 90/100, Math: 95/100, Sciences: 93/100, Tactics: 99/100, Traps: 100/100, Ninjutsu theory: 100/100)
Far too harsh from Iruka. It's a jealous 8 years old who had a pretty massive change in her world, and he went straight up for crushing her. Would expect him, of all people, to be at least less of an asshole about it. Maybe still brisk and short with her, but less of "maybe you suck and shouldn't follow your dreams after all". Or at least framing it more in lines of "that behavior is unbecoming off Ninja" instead of "You shouldn't be ninja if you are jealous"."Sakura," the man said gently, "Naruto earned his marks. If you had used your head more, you would know why I marked you down on question three. Maybe you're not cut out for the ninja life, if you can't even accept your mistakes and move on."
And Mito needs a lot more introduction. Naruto already starts disliking her, despite her apparently being aggressively trying to socialize and befriend him, who, while probably in a bit better spot than canon, was likely to still be desperate for attention and social contact. There needs to be more, before this, to explain why he so dislikes her instead of it being for no reason. It doesn't need to be some great and justified reason, but it needs at least to make sense for a small kid to do so. And "instinctive but unrecognized feelings of sibling rivalry" don't really cut it.Mito had sat close to Naruto and Biwako that day, much to Naruto's annoyance.
"So, what have you two been learning? Pervy Sage is back in the village, and teaching me how to use the Wind element!" Mito said, enthusiastically, her bright blue eyes shining.
"Fire," Biwako said, speaking the usual way she did in the Academy.
"Ah, okay," Mito said, "what about you, Naruto?"
Naruto simply shrugged, both disliking the girl and not wanting to give away his abilities.
"Mou! Can't the two of you be more talkative?" Mito said, pouting. "Like Kiba- never mind, bad example," she said.
Naruto rolled his eyes, and Mito pounced. She said, "so you do have a sense of humor, Naruto. I had begun to wonder dattebara."
Naruto couldn't help grinning. Maybe Mito wasn't that bad, after all. She had a verbal tic just like his, too.
"You usually look so constipated. You're worse than Biwako, I think," Mito said innocently.
Naruto took it back – she was as troublesome as Shikamaru would say. Biwako and Naruto turned twin glares upon Mito, who laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her head, chin-length strawberry blond hair moving around in sync.
Naruto still wanted to show up that pampered princess, even if she wasn't that bad after all. So, he decided to learn the Wind element and surpass Namikaze Mito in it.
I'm guessing you wrote it elsewhere, likely a Word Document, and copied it to the forums, and it also took the font it was previously used? Not really a problem, it's just always a little bit weird when suddenly the letters look a different in the forum.
IRather too cliche to be honest. "Suddenly a genius after learning how to properly read" is perhaps a bit too much. Maybe get him to get a significant but non-extreme improvement at first, and then keep improving until he gets to the top of the class like this?
IFar too harsh from Iruka. It's a jealous 8 years old who had a pretty massive change in her world, and he went straight up for crushing her. Would expect him, of all people, to be at least less of an asshole about it. Maybe still brisk and short with her, but less of "maybe you suck and shouldn't follow your dreams after all". Or at least framing it more in lines of "that behavior is unbecoming off Ninja" instead of "You shouldn't be ninja if you are jealous".
IAnd Mito needs a lot more introduction. Naruto already starts disliking her, despite her apparently being aggressively trying to socialize and befriend him, who, while probably in a bit better spot than canon, was likely to still be desperate for attention and social contact. There needs to be more, before this, to explain why he so dislikes her instead of it being for no reason. It doesn't need to be some great and justified reason, but it needs at least to make sense for a small kid to do so. And "instinctive but unrecognized feelings of sibling rivalry" don't really cut it.
IAlso, if they truly are siblings and not cousins or something, it really doesn't make that much sense for the village to separate them: The whole issue with keeping him being Minato's son a secret was because being Minato's kid is really dangerous, specially without Minato alive to protect him. It's not connected with him being the Jinchiriku, that's a separate secret. And even if they were separated, I'd expect that the Hokage would at least try to throw them together some to give them some degree of family, even if lacking. If that isn't the case, it will also need justification, although it can be left for future chapters.
Edit: Minor changes to first line for clarity.
Either Arial or Helvetica, I can't quite tell. Copied stuff seems to be coming in Tahoma, which, again, is not a problem, it just a bit dissonant with the rest of the writing in the forum.
On Naruto's progress: This does work quite well. Not personally to my preference, as I do rather find more interesting with Naruto really not being all that good in an academic setting, and far more of a kinesthetic learner and someone who improves much better by actually doing the job instead of a class room or learning theory, but that's just personal preference, not actually a criticism of the narrative.I made some changes.
Instead of Naruto being one of the top students in 'a few months' after he started learning to read well with Iruka, I made it '2-3 months for adequacy, +1 month for slightly above average reading, +6 more months to reach the point described'. I also made Iruka be less harsh with Sakura and had Naruto give his reasons for having disliked Mito.
What do you think, Felius ?
Edit: Also, is the Font the same as the rest now?
On Naruto's progress: This does work quite well. Not personally to my preference, as I do rather find more interesting with Naruto really not being all that good in an academic setting, and far more of a kinesthetic learner and someone who improves much better by actually doing the job instead of a class room or learning theory, but that's just personal preference, not actually a criticism of the narrative.
Naruto's dislike of Mito: Works a bit better. I still don't quite feel it's justified given his context, but I can accept that perhaps she just rubs him wrong. It's not like he's all that mature either, and although I'd expect him to latch on anyone who gives him enough attention, it's not unthinkable that some people just have problems with each other.
And yeah, the font now seems the same as the rest of the posts.
I am so fucking confused but so very interested at the same time. Indra the malicious spirit, Sarutobi being even dumber than usual, Kakashi the super ninja who apparently still has terrible chakra reserves for his skill level... what the fuck happened in this world!?
I think one of the things I like most about this story is how despite being stupidly powerful Naruto and Biwako/Sasuke a) still lack the skill to apply that power best and b) still fuck up.
Yeah it's really endemic to bloodline!Naruto fics that along with the bloodline comes competency bonuses that mean nobody short of the Hokage or the Akatsuki can really give him trouble.Thanks for taking the time to comment and for your kind words!
Not intending this as an arrogant boast, though it might come across that way: I imagine Naruto's hesitation (when he saw Mito injured and Biwako alone in mortal combat against an overwhelming foe at the same time) and Biwako dropping her guard and being struck by a civilian with a crossbow, nearly killed, then being shaken by it in this chapter is also more realistic than 95+% of Bloodline Naruto fics ever get. It's their first real fight, after all, unless we count bullies and the caretaker Naruto accidentally killed in the past.
The main difference in fighting style between canon Sasuke and Biwako, possibly the only one in favor of Sasuke, is that canon Sasuke conserved his Chakra far better, probably because Biwako was born with titanic Chakra reserves. So yes, huge power, but lack of efficiency. (Canon Sasuke only resorted to ninjutsu when everything else failed.)
Yeah it's really endemic to bloodline!Naruto fics that along with the bloodline comes competency bonuses that mean nobody short of the Hokage or the Akatsuki can really give him trouble.
But the thing that really stood out to me was Naruto and Biwako's (mis)handling for the Ichibi. They've got the power, and even the knowledge, but they don't really have the wisdom and the narrative isn't forcing the world to bend over and contort itself into non-euclidean shapes in order to accommodate them.
I feel like we need to see more of Mito's life - especially what she went through growing up - to make that scene with Ebisu make sense. Because while she's experiencing some serious upheavals right now, that...really came out of nowhere. So unless I've missed something in previous chapters or somehow managed to skip one or two without realizing it...
Will need to reread then. Still I am somewhat interested in Mito's experiences growing up now that she seems to be taking a larger role in the narrative.Only a few lines, but yes, I had referred to Ebisu tutoring her sometimes, as well as Ebisu nearly getting killed in an assassination attempt by Iwa rogue(s), along with an ANBU who did die.
Will need to reread then. Still I am somewhat interested in Mito's experiences growing up now that she seems to be taking a larger role in the narrative.
"I'm free! I'm free! Shukaku is out, bitches!" The creature -obviously a Tailed Beast- said, its voice making Naruto's whole body vibrate.