"Was that both Saber and my most loyal customer!?" Gilgamesh asks with raised eyebrows.
"I don't think I can ever look at Rin the same way now…" Shirou mutters.
"…Why didn't you tell me you were partaking in such depravities with my ward, King of Heroes?"
"The phone sex was your idea, Kirei. I thought you put her up to it?" Gilgamesh says, making Shirou look on flatly as Kirei's mouth hangs open.
"How can you think that?!"
"Do you not know what I did with newlywed couples? Besides, am I to believe killing her father in the last war and becoming her guardian is fine, but conditioning her into sexual subservience is a line too far?" Gilgamesh asks.
"Wait, what?!"
"Long story." Gilgamesh and Kirei say at the same time.
"Besides, it is not even that related to this matter." Gilgamesh says.
"It sounds very related and critical to know."
"More so than what she enjoyed the last few years under a perverted pen name?" Gilgamesh asks.
Shirou remains quiet as Gilgamesh and Kirei smile.
'On one hand, this feels wrong…on the other I feel like I'll regret not knowing…besides…it….could be helpful during that fight to trip her up….yeah…I'm just studying my opponent's weaknesses…'
===
After the most blissful beating she has ever given, Rin takes some left over food from the fridge and hurries to her room with red cheeks, avoiding eye contact.
"Don't enjoy it too much~." Illya whispers as Rin passes her, making her scowl and glare daggers in passing despite her flushed cheeks.
Sella places an empty notebook in front of Illya along with a thick book, making Illya's smile fall faster than Kazuma's social standing.
Caster heals Kazuma, and the other servants go into spirit form.
"…Maybe you should consider a follow up letter with a different duel date? I am not sure this group can last another week." Caster says and Kazuma remains quiet a moment.
"Maybe…but I may need time to learn something." Kazuma says.
Cu and Caster knows what he is thinking and sighs.
'Least I can enjoy some freshly grown potatoes this week.'
===
"Too much volume…You need to be steady in your pronunciation, but too loud and it gives the impression that you actually care about their views, when they are insignificant."
Shirou clears his throat before trying again.
"Did I imply you can speak, mongrel?"
"Much better; Stand up a little straighter, and you could be mistaken for royalty one day."
'…He has become fonder of young Emiya than I ever expected…' Kirei thinks with a raised eyebrow as he hears Shirou practice posing and speaking.
===
Saber opens the door to the kitchen and freezes when she sees the eyes in the dark.
"Why are you up?"
"I suspected you would go for a midnight meal, and thought this would be the perfect chance for us to have a private talk, Elizabeth." Kazuma says with a grin. Saber frowns at him with a fist on her hip.
"…You haven't had enough after today?" She asks while flipping on the light.
"I come with an offer."
"I refuse."
"You can at least hear me out first."
"I am not interested in whatever harebrained degeneracy you wish of me to perform."
"That's where you're wrong. You don't have to do anything but talk for a few minutes."
"I re-" Saber stops when he opens the fridge door, showing racks of ribs in a tower that would come up to Saber's waist.
"I-is that…"
"Premium cut too. Unfortunately, it took enough money that our dear lady Rin won't be able to partake in her hobby…speaking of hobby."
"Are you trying to blackmail me with food? How low do you think I am?" Saber says, eyes darting back to the meat stack.
"Perish the thought! I would never withhold food for a lack of information…I was just going to ask how you like your ribs prepared."
"…We both know you're not that kind. Or are you going to suggest otherwise after exposing Rin's…'leisure'?"
"You mean how she loves being insulted by your ex?" Kazuma says, his smirk freezing when Saber pulls out her sword.
"Care to call him that again?"
"I didn't plan for that. I thought it would just be an awkward talk of her having a boy over, I didn't expect her to be that kinky." Kazuma says before opening the freezer door, showing every possible cut of meat from a variety of animals.
Saber's eyes glow and she has to close her mouth to keep from drooling.
"W-what are you…?"
"I was going to ask which cut you prefer for breakfast."
"B-breakfast?"
"It has been awhile since you had a decent breakfast thanks to Shirou, no?"
"…Be that as it may, this is a deeply personal matter!"
"I know...I suppose I should have known better. After all, I'm sure Rin wouldn't put you in a bad position for her own benefit right? It's not like she would listen to Gilgamesh's demands in person after so many years of being his indirect toy right? I'm sure these steaks will still be delicious even past their peak freshness date." Kazuma says and Saber winces before thinking in silence.
"She…thought no one could hear, and has the habit of talking to herself, likely as a way to work through problems…but she was working herself up into a frenzy and…"
Saber begins speaking, and with every detail, another package of meat goes to the fridge, sending an ambivalent joy through Artoria.
===
"You dare raise your voice at me, mongrel?" Shirou says with squinted eyes and crossed arms.
"Excellent. A few more years and you might be able to adequately imitate me." Gilgamesh says before going to sip wine.
"It appears someone has an inflated sense of self worth." Shirou says, making Gilgamesh stop.
Before grinning and laughing freely.
"Perhaps I need to revaluate that timeline…you certainly have the moxy. Now you simply need to hone yourself to make your claims valid. Good thing there is a week for that. I assume you have no issues with training Shirou, Kirei?"
"None at all." Kirei says with a smile that makes Shirou shiver.
===
Rin looks at the steaks on their breakfast plates. Then she looks over and sees the bigger one on Saber's plate.
'…Archer, I have a bad feeling.'
'Likewise, but I doubt it is anything that bad…He is probably just trying to make nice with Saber after burning that bridge with you…Magical Baby Girl~.'
'ARCHER!' Rin screams telepathically at Emiya, who laughs uncontrollably.
'Sorry…Magical Baby Girl 2004~.'
'AGGHH!' Rin yells at her servant before looking at a smiling Kazuma and giggling Illya.
"…Why are you two so chummy all of a sudden?"
"Oh nothing you need to worry about…Mongrel~" Illya says with a smirk, making Rin drop a fork.
"Something wrong mongrel? Perhaps you need to be chained up to recall your table manners?" Kazuma asks, making Illya choke back a laugh as Rin stammers.
"…How did you-" Rin stops and looks at Saber who is turns away while chewing filet mignon.
"You…! You sold me out for…for meat?!"
"I'm just keeping up my strength."
"You have Caster giving you mana, you don't need to eat!"
"I find it consoling after this week."
"…Spoken just like a woman." Rin says, making Saber stand up.
"How dare you! Though I cannot say I am surprised, from someone who would willingly consort with him over the phone, like a lewd coward!" Saber pales when Rin fires a gander shot, hitting the steak, making it fall to the floor, now a purple mess from curse.
Saber draws her blade, making Kazuma and Illya pale.
'God damn it Rin!" Archer thinks angrily at Rin while appearing with swords in hand.
'Not my fault!'
'You do not mess with a lion's meal!' Archer thinks while deflecting Saber's blade.
Cu joins the fray, attacking Archer along with Saber.
"Wrong target Cu!" Kazuma shouts.
"It feels right to me!" Cu says as Medea and Medusa enter the room.
"…It's not even noon." Medusa says.
"She ruined my breakfast!"
"Oh pardon ME! That is obviously much worse than divulging my kinks to this degenerate!" Rin shouts back.
"You dare call me a degenerate when you fantasize about being tied up and talked down to while calling someone 'daddy'!? You really do have some 'Darkness' in you!"
"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"I don't think we should be here for this Rider, we should-" Caster says.
"And excuse me for having a complex from not having my dad around and taking classes from Kuzuki for years!" Rin says before paling at realizing Caster is in the room.
"Covetous wench!" Medea shouts as Archer is being pushed back from Saber and Cu.
"Oh no…" Medusa says with a hand at her head.
"I think things are getting out of hand again Kazuma."
"Yep…"
"That's it! Unlimited Blade Works!" Archer shouts, changing the dining room into a barren field of clockwork gears and swords, a few dozen trained on Saber, Cu Chulainn, and Medea.
"What the Hell just happened?!" Kazuma asks as everyone also looks on in shock.
"It's…a reality marble…!" Illya says.
"Yes…my Noble Phantasm that can possibly counter one of Gilgamesh's…" Archer says before looking at Caster.
"…I think we should maintain the alliance, but stay in separate locations."
"…Agreed. But to prevent backstabbing, I will have Medusa stay here, and Kazuma comes with me and Saber." Medea says.
"Absolutely not!" Saber says.
"You know anyone else that would prevent betrayal?"
"You think Kazuma would stay Rin's hand?" Saber asks.
"It'll stay the Hound, who will in turn stay them…besides, he'll likely want to keep an eye on the vegetable garden."
"…Fair enough. Not a fan, but I am fairly certain you wouldn't harm him." Cu says and they go their separate ways.
===
Shirou breathes heavily, sweating coating his body as he is flung across the room, now flat on his back.
"Better than I expected, but you still have a long way to go young man."
Shirou does not respond for a minute, instead slowly standing back up and raising his fists.
Kirei merely smiles, mirroring the motion.
===
That evening at the temple, Saber is called to the basement of the temple.
'At least I'll be safe from perversions this week despite him being here.' She thinks before seeing Medea holding up a white dress roughly her size.
"…Please tell me Kazuma put you up to this so I can kill him."
"All my idea Elizabeth."
"That is not my-"
"Though I do wonder if Kazuma has ideas for some outfits?" Medea wonders out loud.
"I am not wearing anything you or he suggests!" Saber says with a glare that is short lived when Medea raises her hand.
"You wouldn't dare-"
"By my command seal, put on this dress Saber!"
Saber screams in impotent anger while putting on the dress.
