Questionable Questing

Bob is bob

I wanted to cry at the end. It ripped open my heart and poured acid on the wound. I rec it, but also having watched it can say it is a brutal show. Its not always dark, but the way it builds up the emotions will tear into you

Andy333

I don't usually go for really downer stories, but the way you describe it has me intrigued. It's on Netflix, right? I might have to check it out.

Bob is bob

Binge it. Its not a bleak story where you don't care about what happens or the characters. Its a complex tragedy that uses positive feelings and negative to build up to the climax and in between there are good fun moments that feel nice. Its a story for all the emotions

Bob is bob

Want to read a piece of mine? Don't comment in the doc as a friend is editing but curious what you think.

Andy333

Sure, I would love to. Do you want any Grammatical errors checked, just general feed back, advice on any changes? This is for your current quest right?

Bob is bob

Ye. Omake. And Paradise Lost fanfiction

A joke on the inspiration. I would say tell me grammar patterns I need to fix and what to remember for the grammar to be right, thoughts on how to improve dialogue and pacing of the scenes, and in general what you like? If there are things you don't explain why and what I could do to improve.

Andy333

Sounds exciting, send me the link.

Bob is bob

Keep critique to the thread here as on the Doc my buddy is doing grammar and other edits and don't want that to get confusing

Bob is bob

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kxKKSVnWzq_proYMWZDF5PA29zVnLN7xh_I-hN_ZIyg/edit?usp=sharing

I'll give you a viewer link

Andy333

"Yet, the firmness of the ground, the way it pushed between his toes, a smile lit his face at the sensation."

I would add a specification after words, so the reader knows why something as simple a walking feels good. Something like...

Andy333

He had missed it, these simple pleasures he once took for granted. You don't know how much you miss even the simple act of breathing clean fresh air, before its taken away from you.

Bob is bob

You don't think that would be overdoing it when instead more subtle implication would be desired?

Andy333

Maybe, I think just the words, he missed it, would get the point across. But I do think you should specify how much feeling was taken away by his imprisonment.

Andy333

Could he eat, drink, breathe, have sex, touch. How much of his feelings and sense were taken away? I think the imagery of a man knowing his lover was in front of him, but being unable to hug her would be much more vivid than loving a walk through the woods.

Bob is bob

Noted, how you liking the piece?

Andy333

Sexy and horrifying, with just a little bit of tenderness in between. I love it.

Bob is bob

Blame me really liking Paradise Lost's early chapters

Andy333

"Close the damn door before the Lord finds us with his rotted bitch of a daughter." He said pitilessly, his tone akin to a dagger held against a maiden's throat. Yet, he looked at his mother with guilt.

I would changed the last part to,

Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he could hide his guilt from his mother.

Bob is bob

Ah, is it too clunky? How you liking the writing style language? And what you think of our Pov and his musings?

Andy333

Really drive home that as angry and self righteous as he's acting, he feel's really guilty for what he's done. I would also really dive home that he thinks he's doing this to provide a better life for his family, and for his mother specifically. that he was desperate enough to save his mother, to kill someone.