Amelia, Worm AU [Complete]

[ReoRak]

Wow, the more the endbringer shoow up and wreck shit the more I'm liking them. The only thing that i'm missing is an ORT level EB; a monster that can't be stopped, that corrupts and destroys everything around it and doesn't go away after a set value of time/ destruction.

P.S. And to make it even more of a bastard, every time a different Endbringer attacks it moves on a new city. Just to add extra "hopeless despair" to Amelia.

 

[Volkogluk]

I'm wondering what's up with the dragon being made of mucous. presumably that's representing dragon but what's with the mucous?
unless they're just made of random vaguely-liquids...

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Just hit me. Thats Zach. Someone who chases you down to give you the last suicidal acidic hug in your life?
Zach.

 

[Snake/Eater]

The Endmaker's must have picked Paris because of it's history,they're taunting Pantheon by saying "the world doesn't need you and how long will it take when your people overthrow and kill you all like the french did to their rulers" does this mean they're changing the M.O. of attack to be symbolic?for humor?

 

[Daunmi]

This is a valid point which I had not considered. Odds go up! Maybe.

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Well, I guess there's nothing saying he won't have a grave due to not leaving a corpse.

Others are enjoying it just fine.

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What?

No.

We just come here to hang out. Actually, could you stop writing? You're kind of getting in the way of the conversations.

 

[The Shadowmind]

Well, I guess there's nothing saying he won't have a grave due to not leaving a corpse.
.

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Nothing stopping there being a symbolic grave, even if there is no body buried there.
Actually there is nothing stopping someone for making a grave, then claiming it is Eidolon's, even if he is still alive.

 

[Daunmi]

Nothing stopping there being a symbolic grave, even if there is no body buried there.

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That's true, but when Scion decides to fuck everything up there not going to be much time for symbolic gestures. Or space on earth/s for a gravestone.

Actually there is nothing stopping someone for making a grave, then claiming it is Eidolon's, even if he is still alive.

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That's an interesting point!

I wonder if Eidolon has a power that lets him tell when people are pissing on his fake grave?

 

[dasstan]

That's true, but when Scion decides to fuck everything up there not going to be much time for symbolic gestures. Or space on earth/s for a gravestone.

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Someone will probably soil themselves near/on the grave, so we can fudge the numbers a bit and call it a win?

 

[Inverness]

Well, there is that. Poor thing didn't even get to be truly terrifying before it was killed.





Well, since you asked so nicely...

Spoiler: I'll give you a free spoiler

It SHOULD feel further away. That's because there will never be a "Fuck Eidolon" moment.


At no point during this story. Shall it be discovered. That Eidolon made the Endbringers. During his lifetime. So much for how "inevitable" it is.


So, y'know, if that's what you need to enjoy this story. You can quit reading now. You're wasting your time and mine.


If not? Then by all means, enjoy the story.

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Spoiler

So they'll find out when Eidolon is dead but before he gets revived. Just like in canon!

Edit:

Others are enjoying it just fine. In fact, this one in particular seems to be a pretty big hit for the majority.

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You have a funny idea of what the majority is.

I've noticed a pattern where you respond to dislike of something by attempting to declare it invalid or assume that everyone that doesn't express that same dislike must instead like it.

That's far from the case.

The people that post in this thread are always going to be a small minority of the actual readers. Couple that with your hostility towards people that don't agree with you, and you easily end up with people that dislike things not bothering to reply since you don't listen to them anyways. No amount of claiming that you'll listen to "valid" criticism will make some people want to navigate your caustic attitude.

TL;DR: You're making it harder to improve yourself as a writer.

 

[Spetz N9ne]

Anybody else getting an ominous vibe from the whole Theo passing out bit? I mean, Alexandria got her arm infected despite being invulnerable, so who's to say Theo's armor would hold up any better. We don't see what happens to him and Crystal just assumes he overtaxed his power. This could be the Endbringer's real plan; infect a cape or two and keep it hidden, then have the virus start to spread again once they are alone. Bonus points if that cape ends up in another dimension first (like Avalon). Then you have this same battle for contain the outbreak, but spread out over multiple cities and possibly multiple dimensions.

 

[ProdigiousThunder]

TanaNari

One of my favorite things about you is your integrity. Bloody annoying but, entertaining and delightful at the same time.

 

[Daunmi]

Someone will probably soil themselves near/on the grave, so we can fudge the numbers a bit and call it a win?

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Someone needs to explain to me why this situation is something we're deciding to give the definition of 'win' to.

On second thoughts... no one explain to me why this is the case. Please.

This could be the Endbringer's real plan; infect a cape or two and keep it hidden

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Well, they've always got their backups anyway.

What I'm curious about is whether or not they have backups of their backups, such as DNA/memory backups kept away from the main ones, just in case this Endbringer (or others/other capes) slowly and subtly mess with their minds/bodies in order to corrupt the main backups.

 

[cosoco]

collaps

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collapse

TL;DR: If you want to improve yourself as a writer you're doing it wrong.

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The flip side of that is that there's no way that you're going to please your entire audience, especially on a central issue like the pacing of the story. That means that you can't accept all criticism; you'll have to ignore some of it.

Arguing that ignoring criticism is always wrong is ridiculous, because some of it is going to be terrible. Every improvement is a change, but not every change is an improvement.

Going back to the original criticism...

Answer this, then: if the only action sequences are Endbringer fights, what makes them special? Going back to the example Ack gave, the canon Leviathan fight effectively raised the stakes beyond street level and prepared the audience for the S9 and Echidna. Here, we had Ziz for an IC and OOC hope injection (and extreme property damage), Barghest as (retrospectively) a false step on Eidolon's therapy route, Behemoth for a good Yangban showing, and Khonsu for Lily feels and the canon Grand Meeting. The Twins' "Surprise! FUCK YOU." - only showing the fight in flashbacks - was handled well, and offered another (false) step on Eidolon's therapy route. I didn't find Leviathan II disagreeable either.

Again, I didn't get bored until Wendigo and this current fight. If this is the last one, even if it's just the last on-screen one for 100-150 chapters, that's great. If not, my discontent will probably get worse.

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This is a good point. I don't feel suspense during these scenes: I know how much damage the Endbringer is going to do, within an order of magnitude. (With some outliers like Barghest and Simurgh.) I know nothing will happen to the characters I care about, because clones. As W9 Jack Slash put it:

Now that puzzle was interesting. The battle lines had been simple: the Endbringer was here to destroy the city, the defenders were here to protect it. A natural disaster, really, not a human conflict. But now Weaver's Society had entered the fight and was pursuing a hidden goal of its own. That added a human element to the battle, a mystery to be solved. It looked like he would get a chance to gather information on villains after all - and not just local criminals, but villains who were ranked in the highest class of global threats.

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There are various things you could do to add an element of danger or mystery to this. E.g. you could have the current Endbringer infect Victoria, then have her escape. Does Pantheon reclone her, knowing that another copy is out there somewhere, suffering?

 

[Malkara]

Stuff

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I'm guessing TanaNari is basing his majority wording on likes/page views rather than comments, that seems like the logical thing to do anyway.

 

[dasstan]

Personally, I like this story in spite of the repetitive nature of the Endbringer fights, but plenty of other people have already had discussions about the pacing, lack of consequence, etc, so I just let it go and skim through those chapters. If the discussion after those chapters brings up something interesting, I'll go back and read it more carefully.

I'm here for the novel application of tinker tech, the nation building, the political drama, and the slice of life stuff.

 

[Daunmi]

I'm here for the

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I think that's the most important thing. What individuals are here for, since everyone reads things for different reasons.

 

[Inverness]

The flip side of that is that there's no way that you're going to please your entire audience, especially on a central issue like the pacing of the story. That means that you can't accept all criticism; you'll have to ignore some of it.

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I'm quite aware of this. In fact it's advice that a frequently find myself giving.

Arguing that ignoring criticism is always wrong is ridiculous, because some of it is going to be terrible. Every improvement is a change, but not every change is an improvement.

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I was not arguing that ignoring criticism is always wrong. Why would you even think this?

I'm guessing TanaNari is basing his majority wording on likes/page views rather than comments, that seems like the logical thing to do anyway.

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It might seem logical but it isn't. Anyone that is familiar with fan fiction in general knows that it's filled with popular stories that get hundreds or thousands of reviews and even more views while still being absolute tripe.

I'm not throwing Amelia into that category, just to be clear. I'm merely illustrating that "likes" or page views are not necessarily a measure of quality.

 

[Snake/Eater]

well it honestly looks like Paris lost it's virginity again(ww2 reference)....because it's now totally F@#$ed.I wonder where TanaNari gets these Freudian ideas...

 

[Ack]

I've changed my "I want" status. Now I want to see someone beat this Endbringer over the head with the Eiffel Tower, then piledrive it into the ground with the Arc de Triomphe.

 

[Jiven]

Hey! Don't touch the Arc! You can play with the Tower anytime, but not the Arc!

 

[TanaNari]

TL;DR: You're making it harder to improve yourself as a writer.

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You apparently don't know what improving yourself as a writer is.

Improving as a writer is, beyond the obvious grammar stuff, a matter of better conveying the ideas you want to convey. Making the story easier to read, making the flow of events smoother. Or not, sometimes the point is to break from that goal for something else entirely. Which brings us to knowing how to use your tools and when to break those tools to better effect. How to make characters dynamic and evoke the emotions you want to evoke in your readers. THESE are things that improve you as a writer.


Changing the story because people bitch about the direction you're taking it? That's the exact opposite of improving as a writer. That's becoming a sellout.

... Not that there's much buying or selling in this particular case, but you get the point.

My artistic integrity means more to me than you.


Now? You got some valid criticism, by all means, give valid criticism. Complain that a scene isn't done well as it could be, and I'll see about improving it. Show HOW it can be improved and I *WILL* improve it. But when you don't like a scene *BECAUSE* it's doing exactly what I intend it to do, then that's just you bitching. It's valid of nothing except that you don't like that writer's style.


... You might as well be arguing that you don't like porn because you don't like seeing sex on camera, so they should change it so it doesn't have the sex. Or action movies shouldn't have violence. Because, yes, what you are currently saying is exactly that stupid.

 

[Ack]

You apparently don't know what improving yourself as a writer is.

Improving as a writer is, beyond the obvious grammar stuff, a matter of better conveying the ideas you want to convey. Making the story easier to read, making the flow of events smoother. Or not, sometimes the point is to confuse. Which brings us to knowing how to use your tools and when to break those tools to better effect. How to make characters dynamic and evoke the emotions you want to evoke in your readers. THESE are things that improve you as a writer.


Changing the story because people bitch about the direction you're taking it? That's the exact opposite of improving as a writer. That's becoming a sellout.

... Not that there's much buying or selling in this particular case, but you get the point.

My artistic integrity means more to me than you.


Now? You got some valid criticism, by all means, give valid criticism. Complain that a scene isn't done well as it could be, and I'll see about improving it. Show HOW it can be improved and I *WILL* improve it. But when you don't like a scene *BECAUSE* it's doing exactly what I intend it to do, then that's just you bitching. It's valid of nothing except that you don't like that writer's style.


... You might as well be arguing that you don't like porn because you don't like seeing sex on camera, so they should change it so it doesn't have the sex. Or action movies shouldn't have violence. Because, yes, what you are currently saying is exactly that stupid.

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Exactly. And. Precisely.

This is why I put the following at the beginning of my fics.

3) I welcome criticism of my works, but if you tell me that something is wrong, I also expect an explanation of what is wrong, and a suggestion of how to fix it. Note that I do not promise to follow any given suggestion.

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Now, my comment of "What I'd like to see" isn't a criticism as such; more like a straight out comment. I'd like to see it. You're free not to write it, but I'd like to see it.

As for writing an omake ... well, I'd have a little trouble handling your ensemble of characters as well as you do, so ... maybe not.

 

[GiftofLove]

Exactly. And. Precisely.

This is why I put the following at the beginning of my fics.

Now, my comment of "What I'd like to see" isn't a criticism as such; more like a straight out comment. I'd like to see it. You're free not to write it, but I'd like to see it.

As for writing an omake ... well, I'd have a little trouble handling your ensemble of characters as well as you do, so ... maybe not.

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Doesn't stop anyone from writing fan fiction. Why let it stop you here?

 

[TanaNari]

well, I'd have a little trouble handling your ensemble of characters as well as you do, so ... maybe not.

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Honestly? This is one of the things I dislike about this story. I'd prefer fewer characters.

But I'm kinda forced to deal with it, given the circumstances. The nature of what Pantheon does and the scope it operates on *requires* this sorta thing.

 

[Inverness]

Because, yes, what you are currently saying is exactly that stupid.

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Not at all. What I'm currently saying and what you seem to think I'm saying, based on your post, are two different things. I have not offered any criticism of the kind you're characterizing.

I've changed my "I want" status. Now I want to see someone beat this Endbringer over the head with the Eiffel Tower, then piledrive it into the ground with the Arc de Triomphe.

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Megas XLR immediately came to mind.

 

[Ack]

Hmm ....

I don't have the time to sit down and write a serious version, so ...


*********************

Pantheon was on the ropes. Everything they had thrown at this new Endbringer had been repelled, with humiliating ease. Even Atropos' fabled disintegration capability had been no-sold by some sort of weird force-field effect. And the worst bit was, this one was almost human-sized. Clad in coruscating shades of colour that rippled and swirled on its skin, it grinned at the assembled heroes with a mouth that was a bit too wide, teeth a bit too sharp.

The zerg had attempted to dogpile it, only to be banished into a random dimension. A gargant had stomped on it, and had exploded violently. Nanothorns fizzled out against its skin.

Its giggle as it waited for their next attempt echoed through their minds, evoking memories of the Simurgh; it capered on the spot, exhibiting quite inhuman agility and flexibility.

Suddenly, a shot rang out.

The Endbringer looked briefly puzzled, then slumped to the ground, a neat hole just over where the bridge of its nose should have been. Everyone stared at Lisa as she blew the smoke from the muzzle of her small automatic pistol, before slipping it back into its holster.

"Huh," she mused. "Forgot to make itself bulletproof."

 

[dasstan]

"Huh," she mused. "Forgot to make itself bulletproof."

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Eidolon:

 

[Rhostadt]

The Behemoth Simurgh fight was by far the best Endbringer fight in this story. Between the tease and switch-up by the Endbringers to start things off, and the general progression of the fight, there was an enormous amount of dramatic tension. FINALLY, they pull off a victory. Albeit a Pyrrhic victory. Or not. It was absolutely fantastic.

Barghest(?), the timed Endbringer that did things in threes, was also interesting. It was not only original, it appropriately felt like a direct response to Pantheon on two fronts. First, in the nature of its powers. Second, it was like it was saying, "The Endbringers are a puzzle. Now, what are you going to do about it?" Nothing, apparently, but I digress.

However, by this point in the story we have now seen a lot of Endbringer fights. Individually, I can objectively say that several of them are creative or interesting in one form or another. However, all together...they have become repetitive. Routine. For example, Wendigo could have been really cool. If it had come earlier (when BB still mattered), or there hadn't already been a glut of Endbringer fights. Also consider: Pantheon has lost every single Endbringer fight except one. They publicly claim three kills, but they know they've only killed two, and we know it's actually only one. Of the one they actually kill, it still doesn't taste like a victory. It's more like, "If you can't kill this one, after specifically preparing for it for several months, you should just take your ball and go home."

So, there's no dramatic tension left, because there's no longer any nail-biting anticipation of, "OMG! Will they win or lose this one?!" That anticipation has slowly bled out over the course of all these battles that end the same way more or less. I guess I only speak for myself, but I find the protagonists losing every fight every bit as boring as if they won every fight. Only more depressing. Not to mention, that if Pantheon can't handle the Endbringers, what chance do they really have against Scion?

All that is now capped off by the fact that the latest Endbringer's signature horror is...zombies. Really? I suppose it's not really TanaNari's fault that zombies have been done to death (punny? ) on every form of media known to man. But still...

Before someone suggests that I quit reading the story, if I don't like it or find it boring (brilliant rebuttal by the way), don't bother. I still track the story because I'm still enjoying all the bits between the Endbringer fights. For example, that last Lisa chapter was excellent. Apparently it was a bitch to write. It was also a bitch to read, but in a good way. However, by this point, when an Endbringer fight starts, I simply wait a couple days, and then come back to skim those chapters once I figure they're all written. That's pretty serious when I otherwise check the status of this story every night.

Now? You got some valid criticism, by all means, give valid criticism. Complain that a scene isn't done well as it could be, and I'll see about improving it. Show HOW it can be improved and I *WILL* improve it.

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What we're trying to tell you is that you have a whole series of scenes that aren't done as well you're capable of doing. I just spent some time articulating why. I figure I can spend the time pointing these things out, because you were nice enough to spend the time sharing this story.

But when you don't like a scene *BECAUSE* it's doing exactly what I intend it to do, then that's just you bitching.

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So the intention of these Endbringer scenes is to bore us? Well done then, I take back everything I've said.

It's valid of nothing except that you don't like that writer's style.

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Considering a writer's style is as open to evolution and refinement as everything else, it's also open to critique. If you don't agree with that critique, then fine. It's certainly your prerogative. If you only want grammar and spelling errs pointed out, then say so. However, don't invite criticism, then brush it off and denigrate it simply because you don't agree with it. It makes you look like a spoiled prima donna.

 

[WizardTwo]

Some stuff I've been wanting to say for a while now, so here it is:

Alright, this stuff is about a month out of date. I've been avoiding reading Amelia to get a bit of a backlog so I can curl up in front of the fire with my kindle, so feel free to disregard this if its changed.
Right. Okay. So.

Basically, you're doing what Worm did.

That is to say, you've scaled up so hugely, both in cast and actual scale of events, that things are starting to feel impersonal and unimportant.

In one chapter they may be solving world hunger, and then in the next they may kill an endbringer (or they all die), and there's not enough buildup between these scenes. They all feel like they should be the result of books of their own. You spent hundreds of thousands of words working up to the scale of events on which the cast now operates, so its not like you haven't already done the buildup for this. Its just that now the story feels like an endless series of massive events interspersed with slice of life.

This is normally a recipe for success, but it doesn't feel organic enough. The changes are abrupt and sudden. This can be good occasionally, but its your method of choice, rather than something you pull out of your hat every now and again. I think its that, since you've already justified your characters being capable of things on such a scale, you don't feel the need to make each incident worthy of the loving attention you gave to the early problems they faced. Its just... zero to problem and then problem solved. I'm not saying that you're making the problems too easy for your characters, because you aren't... Its just the speed really. I think that this is probably a result of your speed writing episodic format.


As far as the characters themselves go... same problem I had with worm. Too many characters doing too many things. You've spent time and effort creating a gigantic cast of interesting people, but its become so huge that you just can't use them enough. I don't feel the same sense of intimacy I felt with them at the start of the fic.


My final worry is simply that:
I don't know how this fic is going to end, but honestly, it feels like any sort of ending will be anticlimactic now. You've spend SO LONG building everything up, that even though you're a great author... I don't think creating an ending which will utilise all the plot points, character building and ideas that you have had over the bajillions (very technical term there) of words you've churned out, is within your capability. I'm dreading a million word buildup and an unsatisfying ending.

Anyway. My two cents. That's just what I don't like. Just as when I read worm (and I really feel that this fic shares a lot of the same problems and positives that worm itself had), for everything I don't like, there's two or three things I think are great.

I can't give you any useful criticism on your spelling and grammar because you're much better than I am at them.

Anyway, keep it up, I hope you continue to enjoy writing the fic into perpetuity.
That, or you decide to fully give into your urges to be a giant poopyhead and end with Taylor and Amelia breaking up over a game of Othello gone bad and Scion vaping the planet.
Either one works for me.

 

[TanaNari]

Only more depressing. Not to mention, that if Pantheon can't handle the Endbringers, what chance do they really have against Scion?

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This is what I intend to convey. It appears to be working. Granted, you listed it as a complaint. But it is, at least in part, the goal of the story. It's meant to be painful, it's meant to be depressing, it's meant to convey the repetitive hopelessness of fighting the Endbringers. Futility and emotional attrition is the intent.

That, or you decide to fully give into your urges to be a giant poopyhead and end with Taylor and Amelia breaking up over a game of Othello gone bad and Scion vaping the planet.

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*Furiously scribbles notes*

....

What?

 

[WizardTwo]

This is what I intend to convey. It appears to be working. Granted, you listed it as a complaint. But it is, at least in part, the goal of the story. It's meant to be painful, it's meant to be depressing, it's meant to convey the repetitive hopelessness of fighting the Endbringers. It's clearly achieving this.

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Personally, I'd rather Pantheon just fucking ruined all the endbringers, fought scion for a hundred thousand words, killed him, then expanded out into space and other dimensions... then started to encounter the uncountable trillions of OTHER spacewhales. The looks of horror on their faces would be amazing.

I've never read a fic which has actually explored the whole issue that... well... they literally managed to kill one single individual (two I suppose if you count his partner mostly killing herself) of a species which literally outnumbers the stars in the sky. And it cost them most of their planet and half their goddamn species.

You want hopeless and repetetive? The entities literally filled their home dimension with their bodies. Its possible that if they killed one entity at a time per minute, they could STILL be killing them at the heat death of the universe.

And by that point, will they be recognisable as humans? Hell they might realise that now they have to figure out what the entities were trying for all this time. How to survive the end of the universe.