Amy Dallon, Herald of Andraste

[Kylia Quilor]

Aura theory isn't actually canon (and more importantly, isn't true in this fic), but it probably didn't help with all the other stuff going on with Amy, yeah.

 

[Foxfax]

Yeah, that's more like what I meant. Amy felt the way she felt, but Fragile One wanting everyone to love Vicky like it does and Shaper whispering about war crimes turned what probably would have been an honestly pretty toxic love and affection more so because powers make everything worse in Worm.

 

[ChaosSlimeKing]

Poor Amy, being one of the most literal examples of Doomed Toxic Yuri really is hell. Really impressive emotional terror portrayal, great writing.

Though I can't wait for Josephine to be like, "Your sister? Your adopted sister? No actual blood relation? Oh honey, that's comparatively innocent compared to the debauchery of the nobles and their twisted incest filled family trees. You have got nothing to be ashamed of, no sit down and try this new coffee bean I was able to smuggle in with Varric's help."

Thanks for another great chapter, till next time

 

[Kylia Quilor]

Author's Note: Cole is hard to do justice too, especially when there's more than one person for him to read and he should honestly be chiming in more, rather than politely waiting for his conversational turn.

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---

When Amy had given Cassandra her promise to essentially hold the other woman to account as long as Cassandra did the same to her, she hadn't expected to need to be doing it in six hours. She hadn't expected to need it at all really, but she'd agreed because Cassandra asked.

After making that promise, Amy had withdrawn into silence, dark thoughts still circling around in her mind, but she had held onto the thin thread that was the promise Cassandra had given her.

Cassandra is a good person. And - and she'll - she'll stop me if I do something wrong and - and - and -

Her secret had been revealed, her worst, darkest secret, and the truth about her biological father, and Cassandra still didn't hate her. The woman still, somehow believed in her. Amy wanted to believe it meant maybe, just maybe there was a chance that there was hope for her, and... and somehow...

Somehow Amy actually did believe it.

Not that there was hope for her. Amy knew better than to believe that.

But she did believe that there was a chance there was hope for her.

And there was a difference.

There was!

"...The Templars leaders went and ate Red Lyrium! They - the officers were probably onboard with working for Corypheus, a fucking darkspawn magister who blew up the Conclave. And we're just going to - act like none of that happened?" Cassandra had said Katerina blew up at her, in so many words, over her choice and -

Amy could barely believe it, given how reverent Katerina had seemed to be of 'Lady Pentaghast' but for one, Cassandra wouldn't have lied about that and two, there had been that comment by Katerina, implying she didn't think Cassandra was perfect which - didn't fit with what she'd said just a few days ago on the way to this stupid fucking fortress.

But then, this is Katerina. She's made hating the Templars her whole fucking personality. Not without good reason, because the Templars fucking sucked, but still. Vicky hated Empire 88, but it wasn't the only thing she thought about.

So - Yeah. I guess I can believe it. But that left the question of how she felt about it.

And Amy... Whatever else, Amy would never be able to hate the Templars as much as Katerina did. Plus, even with six hours of... not rest, but... something, Amy didn't have remotely the energy left to get upset about it right now.

"I would hardly say that's possible, even if I wanted to do that," Cassandra said calmly. "For one, the officers behind all that are dead, fled or in the case of Knight-Captain Denam, imprisoned."

Amy felt a momentary flare of anger at Denam. Well no, not a 'flare' but a fucking eruption of rage that made her very much want him dead. She recoiled as the rage ebbed away, pressing her back against the wall. Shaper. That has to be Shaper. Her power didn't like the Taint, she was certain of that.

Broken clocks...

"I told the Templars this is their chance to reclaim their honor, the honor of the Order. There was a time when they were looked to as protectors and saviors, when they lived up to their oaths." Cassandra continued. "I believe they can be that again."

Amy swallowed, then exhaled slowly.

She wasn't upset about this, really. Maybe - maybe she would have been, if she had the energy. She -

"I was thinking of suggesting disbanding the Order completely." Amy said finally. "I mean, I guess you're right that all the people who went in for Red Lyrium and serving a Darkspawn with a God Complex are dead or not part of the Templars anymore, but - none of that changes them agreeing to come to Therinfal and just... chill for months, while the Breach was in the sky. Starting a war just because they wanted to oppress mages more." There was no heat to her words, her tone probably sounding calm, but -

I'm not being reasonable about this shit, I'm just -

Tired.

"Katerina did suggest you were interested in disbanding the Order, after the fact." Cassandra said. "She was very angry on your behalf, about how she believed I acted against your intention."

"I never actually told you. I didn't tell Katerina either."

"She said you told her that we didn't need the Order and that she was right to leave it? That's what Katerina said anyway, and it seemed unlikely she'd lie."

Amy rubbed at her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose, "That - I think I said something like that. It's all... god, fuck me, it's all a blur at this point." She needed real sleep. She probably wasn't going to get that any time soon though. Not -

Not knowing Shaper was there, in her mind. And -

And some part of her was still expecting the judgement from Cassandra, from Katerina. She - Cassandra had made her position super clear and Amy trusted Cassandra to be honest and - but -

She still felt it. That twinge. That fear.

She believed there was a chance at hope. But that was it. It was all she could let herself have. A chance. The hope itself wasn't real but that chance...

"The choice wasn't in your hands at the time, Amy," Cassandra pointed out. "And - it's not exactly your choice either."

"No, it's not." Amy agreed. "If it was my choice it would mean I'm in charge of everything and that's the last thing I need right now." She let out a shuddering breath, closed her eyes again and inhaled again. Then another slow, deep exhale and inhale.

"I would have given you a chance to speak, had you been able to," Cassandra promised her, and Amy swallowed.

"Thank you," Amy paused, considering. "I - Okay, so - I... I don't like this. I really dont fucking like this. I might even hate it, I'm not sure. But I - I don't have the mental energy to get angry and - It's not like I don't trust your judgement, Cassandra." She did. And even if she hadn't already had such solid trust in the other woman, the trust Cassandra was extending to her... it was worth something in turn, right?

"I do trust it. Your judgement, I mean," Amy added quickly, clarifying.

"I know you do. But it is something I would not take for granted." Cassandra answered. She stood up, and then reached a hand down to Amy. "You should get some sort of breakfast. We can talk as we walk." Amy accepted Cassandra's hand, getting a read on the woman's biology, since she wasn't wearing any gloves, at the moment. "The truth is, Amy, I am still unsure if letting the Order stand is the best choice. They have no real leaders at this point. Perhaps some of the officers that remained at the Ostwick Circle, but I imagine it's likely that the ones here at Therinfal would be... hesitant to accept their orders."

It took Amy a few moments to remember that the Circle in the city of Ostwick had largely sat out the rebellion, as had the Templars there. It was one of those places where tensions between mages and Templars weren't supposed to be that bad. Some people had filtered out to one side or the other, sure, but not the majority of either.

But the mages there also didn't really put themselves under Vivienne's banner either. Amy wondered if Josephine would be able to get the Ostwick mages to sign on with the Inquisition in some form now that they'd made an alliance with the rebel mages.

"I mean, isn't the whole thing about the Templars that they're supposed to follow orders? That's their whole damn problem, the system being set up to make people follow orders, get rid of the ones that question orders too much, or at least shuffle them away, and people higher up the chain can cover for people below."

"That is one of the problems that crept into the Order, yes." Cassandra agreed as they left the room and stepped out into the hallway. Amy legs felt... not weak exactly, but she didn't feel like she could walk very quickly, and she didn't try, Cassandra getting ahead of her - and then looking back and matching her pace.

"So... who cares if they don't want to take orders from officers in Ostwick? That's whose left, right?" If they were going to keep the order, then shouldn't the slightly less bad than the rest Templars be in charge?

"A reasonable point." Cassandra said after consideration, nodding her head. "That is also related to something else I was going to say, however: - the Order may still exist, but they are gutted, leaderless. You have pointed out that the weakness and disunity in the Chantry poses an excellent chance for both mages and Templars to be able to negotiate new terms. The same holds true now for the state of the Order entirely."

Amy furrowed her brow. "That... that's true. Josephine and you and Leliana and Cullen are all in a position to convince whoever's left to change things." Though she doubted they'd have an easy time coming to an agreement about what that would be. Leliana and Cullen almost certainly had very different ideas about what the Templars should be like. And Cassandra probably had a third one.

She didn't like this. She really didn't like this. But - she couldn't get heated about it. Not right now. And - and the fact remained that she did trust Cassandra. Cassandra was a good person. She had a reason for doing this and - and they sounded like good ones and she made an argument that sounded good and again -

Cassandra deserves my trust. And it wasn't Amy's choice. And the last thing she wanted was for it to be her choice.

"You as well, Amy."

"Didn't you just say it wasn't my choice what happened to the Order?!"

"Not on your own, but the mere fact of your existence being seen as the Herald of Andraste means you have the influence to change things, Amy." Cassandra pointed out. "When I told the Templars that you had sought to ally with both the rebel mages and the Order, there was grumbling. There might have been more than that had Barris not pointed out that you are the Herald."

"I'm not." Amy complained uselessly. If I had a nickel for every time. She exhaled. "I should stop saying that, shouldn't I?"

"Amy, if you stopped protesting that you were not the Herald of Andraste, I would wonder if you had been replaced by an Envy Demon." Cassandra offered with a smile.

Goddamnit. That was a good point. "Just ask me to heal someone. Envy wouldn't have been able to take my power if it had taken my face."

"You're sure of that?"

"As sure as I can be without testing it." Amy licked her lips. "While Envy was in my head I - I learned something about how my power works. Where it came from. There's a lot I still don't get and I -" If I tell her, she'll - she'll think I'm possessed or -

No. Amy closed her eyes. She would tell Cassandra.

Just... not until she understood it. She wasn't sure how she would be able to, but...

Demons are creatures of the Fade, right? Envy pulled me into my own head. Solas does that whole... lucid dreaming in the Fade thing, right? There had to be a connection there. Amy had dreamed on Earth-Bet, and never run into Shaper but - the Fade's whole thing was a dimension of Dreams right? Was that the missing ingredient?

It made sense to Amy. She had no idea if it would work, or if she even could do the lucid dreaming in the Fade thing, or anything close but -

I hate the idea of explaining anything to Solas before Cassandra but... maybe I don't have to tell him that much either? Amy trusted Solas about as much a she trusted anyone on Thedas that wasn't Cassandra, Josephine or Katerina. But the man was...

He was on their side. Amy believed that. But he liked playing mysterious too much. Maybe just his persona, his demeanor, but...

"There's a lot I don't understand. I'm - I'm hoping I can figure more out. Because I... it's complicated, basically. But - if I can figure it out, I - I'll tell you." Amy promised Cassandra. "But what I did learn makes me pretty sure that Envy wouldn't be able to just... take it." Envy hadn't been able to 'hear' Shaper. Neither had Cole.

Something about spirits made them not... fit with whatever Shaper was?

My power being called Shaper makes sense, even if it's a bit on the nose... what about Vicky's power? Her power was absolute biokinesis... Vicky's was an Alexandria package, but it didn't actually work like Alexandria's power which was its own whole thing, now that Amy thought of it, half-remembered infodumps from Vicky about powers...

Something about even similar powers never working exactly the same... something something the differences between Crystal, Eric and Aunt Sarah and-

"That is useful to know." Cassandra cut in, and Amy blinked as she returned to the here and now. "You do not have to share what you learn, Amy."

"Maybe I don't have to, but I want to." Amy countered. "Just... once I know more." She closed her eyes. "Anyway, you said Barris said I was the Herald?"

Cassandra nodded, accepting the change in topic back to before. "He said that if you saw fit to ally with the rebel mages, then who were they to argue? And that if Corypheus had sought to use mage and Templar against one another, then working together against him was the best choice."

Okay. Point for Ser Barris.

"I guess Ser Barris gets to count as a slightly less shitty Templar than the rest." Amy exhaled. "That's a list that includes... maybe the people in Ostwick, and Barris and Katerina's old trainer Adrienne." She ticked off three fingers. "Anyone else?"

"I think our measures for a 'shitty' Templar are quite different, Amy." Cassandra didn't offer any names. "But in principle, I share the same concerns you do about the Order."

"You do?!"

"The Order made many mistakes... as did the Seekers of Truth," Cassandra said that last part more reluctantly, but Amy had heard Cassandra say as much before, and Cassandra's honesty was one of the many things she appreciated so much about the other woman.

"We both failed," Cassandra said after a pause. "And the problems that led to that failure in the Templars - viewing mages as the enemy, too many following orders too blindly, believing themselves above outsiders due to the nature of their duty... those problems are not all gone, Amy. Katerina would be shocked to hear it, but I also believe many of her concerns are well-founded."

"I can hear a 'but' coming." Well, that and she knew Cassandra couldn't agree with Katerina completely - or her - and still be all 'let's keep the Templars intact!', Which she had been.

"But," Cassandra said with a small snort, then her expression was grave again, "I do not believe that eliminating the Templars will work out as well as Katerina believes. Or as well as you might believe."

"I'll be honest, when I was thinking we should get rid of them, I wasn't thinking about the long term," Amy admitted. "Which is another reason the choice really shouldn't be up to me." She'd just been 'fuck the Templars, they suck, we don't need them'. More or less, anyway.

"If you believed it would be a complete disaster, you wouldn't propose it, regardless, Amy. You do consider the ramifications of what you do." Cassandra disagreed. "Not consciously perhaps, but..." she shook her head and trailed off. "The Templars have served for centuries as guardians of the Chantry, and the people and Mages. Abandoning the system entirely for something wholly unknown seems... foolish."

"And back home, they used to burn people for being left-handed or shit like that." Amy muttered. "Just because that's how you did things doesn't make it the best solution."

Cassandra pulled up short and stared at Amy, who walked right past Cassandra until she realized the other woman had stopped moving. "Burn people for being left handed? Surely you must be -"

"I don't know if they actually burned people," Amy admitted after a moment, taking a few steps backwards. "I know that people apparently used to think left-handed people were like... cursed by the Devil or whatever." Amy blinked, "The Devil is like... the manifestation of evil incarnate, or... something like that. Like God, but Evil."

Amy shook her head, "Not the point."

"...very true," Cassandra said, looking confused again. She shook her own head. "You are correct - the way things are done is not in of itself a reason to do it, on its own. But even if the Circles are replaced by something better, Blood Mages will exist. Some mages will decide that they want power over others more than they want to be good people. You can agree with that, no?"

"Of course. Some people are just shitty assholes, Just... evil. We've been over that."

"We have. But if you can agree that it will still be a problem, then you can agree that whatever else, the Templars serve a purpose. One that would be harder to serve if they were abolished entirely."

"All you need is someone to do the job. You don't need the Templar Order to do it," Amy disagreed.

Cassandra nodded, "There is truth to that, but..." she paused, then, "You have spoken of the group of people without powers that assists the heroes of your world in combating villains and their minions... the P R T." Cassandra didn't quite stumble over the acronym, but Thedas didn't really understand the concept of acronyms - once explained, most people understood the notion, but they didn't come naturally to anyone here. "If they were dissolved tomorrow, someone could do the work they do, yes, but it would take time for their replacement to be as effective, no?"

I think two toddlers with a pair of tin cans tied together with string could do better than PRT ENE. Amy knew she was being unfair. The Bay was a goddamn nightmare. 'America's largest open-air asylum' she'd seen it called on PHO once, and that sounded about right. The PRT did what they could, and Amy knew the Bay would be worse without Armsmaster and Miss Militia and so on, and the PRT played an important role in all that.

"Yeah, I guess." Amy admitted.

"And of more... political concern is the fact that people are used to the Templars." Cassandra grimaced. "They know what the Order is, and how to regard it. Convincing the Chantry and the nobles to accept an end to the Templar Order would be... difficult. More so than mere changes." Cassandra made one of her trademark disgusted noises, that little 'ugh' sound. Amy couldn't help but smile a moment as she heard it.

I feel like if an Envy demon tried to replace Cassandra, it wouldn't get that right at all. Probably not that simple, and Amy's power, in theory, would make detecting Envy Demons easy in the future, as long as she touched them...

But she also didn't want to touch another one of these things again, if it meant she'd have one visit her head again.

If she never had an experience like the one she'd had where Envy had plundered through her mind ever again, it would be too soon.

"More than ending the Circles?"

"I think it might make it harder to convince the Chantry and the nobility to accept the dissolution of the Circles if the shield that protects the south from magic run amok is destroyed." Cassandra said. "And I suspect you would prefer ending the Circles than the Order."

"Yeah. That would be true." Templars sucked. But the Circles were just evil. Harrowing was evil. Amy could get behind the idea of a test to see if you could resist a demon, especially now that she'd had one in her own fucking head, but -, but a test where failure was death and not taking it led to fucking Tranquility! - was evil. Penning mages up like prisoners. Creating a system that was so fucking ripe for abuse -

The Templars suck. The Order sucks. And its whole system is pretty shit. Buit...

Cassandra wasn't wrong about the fact that the Order was pretty damaged, and it would look different once it was done being rebuilt, at least in theory. And - and if there were no Circles, and mages had more... options, essentially, would Templars even be in a position to do as much bad shit?

I don't think so...

Like, the rebel mages wouldn't agree to anything that put Templars in the same sort of position of power over a mage, right? Yes Templars as magical cops needed to exist but that was different then the judge, jury and executioner deal they'd had going.

Give mages a place in judging their own. The rebel mages in Redcliffe had somehow managed to avoid being overrun by blood magic and abominations after all.

Cassandra had good points and Amy - Amy believed in her and wanted to believe in her and her belief in Cassandra had worked out before.

Amy rubbed at her temples. "Alright. I guess that's that. I still don't like it, and if I had more energy maybe I would argue with you about it more but... I don't. Besides, I can't change the decision that was made anyway, and I do trust you Cassandra. And you make good points." She closed her eyes, exhaled, and then, "And that is more than enough thinking for like... the next week, okay? Nothing serious or important, please."

Cassandra smiled a little, "I shall do my best, Amy."

---

Actually arranging to get the survivors out of Therinfal with enough supplies and so forth was easier said than done. In the end, it had been decided it would be done in phases. Ser Barris would lead a group of the most skilled at countering magic to travel back to Haven with Amy and everyone who had come with her. The rest would follow up a few days or possibly even nearly a week, depending, behind.

But in the process of making that decision and then getting ready - packing up supplies, loading up horses and wagons and burning the bodies of the Red Lyrium infected Templars, Amy had finished all the healing on the surviving Templars, including all the finicky and complicated arm reconstructions. And Knight-Captain Denam had been judged guilty in a Court Martial after refusing to share more information about what Corypheus was up to (he pleaded not knowing) and then executed for his murder of the Knight-Vigilant.

Denam had declared the Court-Martial invalid because there weren't enough real officers, but Barris and a Sergeant named Sorin, whom Katerina seemed to know had argued that the rules of the Order allowed for situations when sufficient officers of high enough rank weren't available, and that Denam's own words damned him. Denam hadn't really tried to deny the murder when confronted with it, and so he'd been executed.

Amy hadn't been sure how to feel about that. The Death Penalty was not something she opposed. She knew that pretty well. And a Court Martial was like... not some arbitrary process. There had been a formal trial and Denam given the chance to argue in his defense - and he had, ranting about how he'd tried to give Templars a purpose before they died, or... something. It had been incoherent.

But equally, she had wanted to see if it was possible to expel the Red Lyrium from someone, and get a better look at the effects of Tainted Lyrium on someone. And maybe they could have learned more about Corypheus from him.

On the other hand, the guy's bloodstream and organs were both filled with magic not-actually-rocks infected with the nightmare plague from hell, so... probably better to just kill him and burn the body, since he had been judged guilty....

With that done, there'd been a few other bits and pieces to get done, but then, three days after Envy's defeat, they'd been ready and Therinfal ready to be abandoned. It was too remote a castle to be of value to the Templars or the Inquisition at the current point in time.
And so, they'd set out. They were two days out from Therinfal now, and Amy had, fortunately, not had to deal with anything more important than healing some people, and thinking about how to handle Lyrium withdrawal and how she could heal it.

She still wasn't sure she could. She wanted to try on Cullen first, see what her handling of the non-brain related symptoms could do, see how he took it and then she could offer it to Templars who wanted to leave the Order, if any did.

Do it in the time between closing the Breach and going home.

If she could.

The more Amy thought about it, the more she wondered if it was possible.

Well, no. Powers could do all kinds of bullshit. If Professor Haywire was here, he could have gotten back to Earth-Bet, Amy was sure. That kind of shit was his whole thing, right?

But short of him, or another parahuman who could do dimensional bullshit... could magic send her home? She wasn't -

She'd talked to Solas about it, and he'd said he had no idea, but he'd give it some thought. Dorian might have some idea of where to start.

Though if it turns out I have to get some goddamn Tevinter Magister on my side, I will not be happy. Was going home worth appeasing some slave-owning piece of shit?

Amy swallowed as she realized the first answer that came to mind was 'it depends'.

If it meant healing some Tevinter Magisters and their families? She'd hate every second of it, but...

Amy shook her head.

I have enough problems right now that I don't need to invent new ones. Somehow, Katerina and Cassandra were still treating her the same, despite knowing her secret. Katerina hadn't poked at her since then, but Amy hadn't gotten 'caught in her own head' much since either, so who knew if she was actually going to be free of Katerina's prodding for long?

Knowing her, probably not.

Cole hadn't shown up since Envy had been beaten, or at least, he hadn't shown up where Amy could see or remember him.

Fucking Strangers. Amy only knew parts of the full M/S protocol, and most of them were pretty hard to use when it came to Cole. She was going to try to write down next time she saw him, or something, if she saw him.

I feel like he's coming. He said he wanted to help. Stop people from hurting. That's what we're doing, right?

Amy pushed that aside as she found Solas standing alone by the edge of camp, doing... whatever it was Solas did. Thinking deep and profound thoughts about whatever stuff he found while dreaming in the Fade, probably.

Or maybe just being Professionally Mysterious.

Whichever.

"I'm afraid I haven't had any specific insight into how you might return home since you asked yesterday," Solas said, not turning around to look at her.

Okay, yeah, he's just doing it to be mysterious.

"That's not what I wanted to talk about," Amy shook her head. "I wanted to ask you about how you stay conscious in the Fade when you dream and if there's a way I could do it too."

Solas looked at her, and while he controlled his expression well, there was something about the way his head tilted that made Amy think she'd actually surprised him.

"There are ways I could take you into the Fade with me," Solas said. "They're not that difficult, although they do require a certain measure of trust."

There's the problem. Amy didn't exactly trust Solas. She didn't not trust him, but -

On the other hand, she didn't think he was going to like, betray her or the Inquisition, she trusted him that much but -

With the truth about Shaper? Hell no. Not until she understood it better.

"I - is there a way I can do it without you?" Amy asked. She held up her hand. "It's not really about trust. I mean - I trust you're on our side, Solas, in terms of closing the Breach and stopping Corypheus and all that, but this isn't -" Amy cut herself off, trying to figure out a way to explain what she wanted without telling Solas too much. "This isn't about how you walk the Fade to study the history of a place. It's kind of a cool thing that you can do that, but I'm not asking to be able to do that too."

Solas held his staff with both hands, not quite leaning on it, but the posture he adopted was reminiscent of that, anyway...

"Perhaps it would be easier to tell you if I can help you if I knew what you wanted then?" Solas suggested. "Mages can and do remain conscious while they dream in the Fade with minimal effort, sometimes without even choosing to. Those without magic generally cannot."

"I feel like the word 'generally' is doing a lot of the heavy lifting there, since you just told me you could take me into the Fade with you," Amy gave him a sour look, rolling her eyes. Then she took a breath. "When Envy invaded my mind, it sort of... kicked loose something. Like an old memory. Kind of." Not kind of, but it was the best lie she could think of.

"I've been in Thedas for months, and that was the first time this... kicked loose. But I also usually don't remember my dreams, lately." Because the dreams she remembered were usually her nightmares, and she had a lot less of those in Thedas, overall. She also slept better. "Envy didn't exactly take me into the Fade, but I saw green fire around us as it sort of 'pulled' me into my own... mindscape or whatever that was."

"Green fire like the rifts," Solas followed her thought. "Envy Demons, like most demons, would prefer to spy from within the Fade itself, learning the mind of someone from their dreams. Most mages who make deals with demons do so while conscious in the Fade as they sleep. But while it did not take you into the Fade, it did in essence cast you into the... imprint, your mind leaves in the Fade."

"The imprint my mind leaves in the Fade?"

"Precisely." Solas said. "The Fade is the world of dreams, impressions, feelings and concepts. Some would say it is the source of all emotion and creativity." Amy scoffed a little at that, since she knew that was bullshit. There was no 'Fade' on Earth Bet and people had emotions and creativity. Solas went on, his words implying he agreed with her that it was bullshit. "I am not sure it is that simple, but given that the act of making someone Tranquil does remove their ability to feel, there is a connection."

"Maybe here, but not back home. No Fade on Earth-Bet," Amy supplied, and Solas bowed his head in a very small nod. "But this... imprint thing? What do you mean?"

"Imagine the Fade as... sand, perhaps. If you were to lie down on sand, you would sink, just a touch, and shift the sand to accommodate your shape." Solas explained. "When you sleep, your mind shifts the Fade around it, akin to the way your body will move the sand. And even when you get up from where you laid down in the sand, for a time, there will be an imprint where you laid."

Depends on the sand, and how long until the wind or water or whatever shows up. But Amy followed his example.

"And so even when we wake up, we leave an imprint in the Fade?"

"More or less, yes."

"So I was taken into the Fade by Envy? Mentally anyway?"

"I have not personally experienced what you did at the hands of Envy, so it is difficult to say for sure. The nature of the Veil however, makes me believe that you were more taken into a space... between, for lack of a better term, the Fade, and our waking world."

And the difference is...? Amy exhaled slowly. "Alright, I guess that all tracks well enough, and that does give me more reason to think that if I was able to... consciously dream in the Fade, I could... get another look at the thing Envy shook loose."

"You are not going to elaborate on the nature of this 'thing'?" Solas asked, unflappable and unbothered as always. What was it that actually got him to react? He doesn't like slavery, which... valid. And he really does like studying the Fade, I've seen him get... some kind of positive emotion, even if it's muted when he talks about that. Was there anything else where I've really seen him show much emotion? Maybe when he'd been confused and seemingly annoyed all those times Amy proved to be incurious about powers?

And now I'm curious about my power and I'm not telling him I am.

"Not until I understand it more, at least," Amy said.

"Very well." Solas said nothing for a long moment. "There are certain magics that can allow a non-mage to walk in the Fade in their sleep. It is not magic known to the Circles, though some Dalish clans retain knowledge of some of the techniques."

"And you know them too? From your journeys in the Fade?" Amy surmised.

"I do," Solas nodded. "The simplest would be a potion that would put you into a state of active dreaming in the Fade, able to be conscious of your own dreams, and even step outside of them if you desire, into the wider Fade."

That sounds promising. Too promising.

"There's a 'but' coming, isn't there?" Amy raised an eyebrow. "If it was that simple, you'd have offered this potion first?"

"There are complications, yes. First and foremost, while none of the ingredients are especially rare, save one, I don't have any of them to hand. I believe even the rare one would be available in Haven, but you would have to wait until then."

Frustrating, but... not the end of the world, I guess. Amy gestured for him to go on, because it sounded like there was another problem.

"Secondly, the mind of a non-mage is not really meant to wander the Fade, or be conscious in it. Something about the quality of having magic insulates the mind and soul from the Fade's... allure, for lack of a better word."

"Allure?"

"The Fade is a world where ideas and dreams are given form. And where demons will show you whatever you want, or try to, in order to get what they want from you. Thedosian legends abound of stories of mortals who got lost in the Fade in one manner or another, coming to prefer that to the waking world. There is some truth to those stories, in theory."

Dreams and ideas given form... Amy closed her eyes at the first thought that came to mind at that idea. A world where she could - where Vicky -

Nope. Nope. Nope. NO! Amy covered her face and pulled her hands down slowly, exhaling.

"Okay." She said after a long moment. "I can see the problem. Or potential problem anyway. So... what's the solution?"

"It will not be safe for you to drink the potion more often than once a month, at most. I would suggest every five weeks to be safer. You are strong-willed for your age, and your ability to fend off Envy, even with the help of that spirit you mentioned suggests you can resist the allure of the Fade better than most-"

"Envy kept showing me all the wrong things," Amy muttered. "Really. Stupid demon thought I wanted my sister's boyfriend and her place as one of the popular girls at school. It assumed I had to Envy her because I thought about her a lot."

"As I believe I told you once, a spirit or demon embodies their concept. An Envy demon only really understands envy. In the Fade, they prefer to naturally seek out those who have enough envy to be of use. But in trying to force the issue with you..." Solas trailed off. "Regardless, I think it is better to be safe. Spacing it out will make it harder for you to find yourself lost in the false realities the Fade could offer, and better at separating truth from illusion."

"And, it would be best if you took it with someone to hand to watch you, and wake you from your sleep forcibly after a certain period of time." Solas concluded. "The potion will put you to sleep quite quickly, regardless of the time of day, which means taking it during the day would be likely best."

"Better than expecting someone to stay up all night to wake me up after a few hours. Or less?"

"No more than a few hours would be best, especially for a first foray. With practice, perhaps you could do longer, but I would not risk it."

"Alright." Amy exhaled slowly, hands on her hips, looking around past Solas for a long moment, biting her lower lip. She felt like this was too easy, but on the other hand, was it? "And at least the first time, there's not much risk of me getting trapped?"

"For you, I suspect not. Especially if you have someone to hand to wake you. I would be willing to perform the task, but if you would rather the Seeker or Katerina do so, I would understand."

"I'm not sure I want to explain this too much to either of them, until I have some answers," Amy admitted.

She did want to talk to Cassandra about it, once she understood it. She'd promised Cassandra honesty, and she would give it to the other woman, just... she wanted to understand it so she could explain it.

So Cassandra didn't think Amy was possessed. Because - and Amy had no goddamn idea if this was true - Amy was pretty sure she wasn't. She was - she was pretty sure she could blame some of the most monstrous ideas that had come to her mind unbidden, for horrible things she could create, terrible ways she could kill people were Shaper's fault. But Shaper couldn't make her do anything.

When I told Shaper I hated it, it said 'receprocation'. Amy's own power hated her.

Because of course it did. Of course she'd somehow ended up with an asshole power that wanted to murder people in horrible gross ways and also hated her, probably because she didn't want to do that. You know, like a sane person.

I'll bet Vicky's power loves her. Because everyone should love Vicky, obviously, but also because... well, Vicky wasn't fucking pathetic like Amy was.

When I get home, if I can learn more about Shaper, I can tell everyone about what I learned... if anyone will believe me. Vicky would, but source: 'My sister drank a magic potion and talked to her power' was probably right up there with source: 'Trust Me, Bro' in terms of reliability.

Still. Maybe once people knew to look, they could look and find a way to talk to powers without magic.

Was there a Dream Tinker? Tinkers were bullshit, but Amy hadn't heard of one that could like... give people custom dreams or something. But she wouldn't be surprised if one existed.

"I'll think about it. I... should probably tell Cassandra what I'm doing beforehand, just as a heads up. And you're sure there's like... no other risks?"

"You'll almost certainly have a headache afterwards, and possibly be nauseous, as if seasick," Solas offered, and Amy sighed.

"Figures. Nothing can be simple in Thedas, can it?"

"Are things simple on your world? I find life itself tends to be complicated."

Amy opened her mouth, closed it, then, "Things feel simpler back home," she finally said. "And if nothing else, most of the villains are pretty obvious about being evil. If Envy was a cape back on Earth-Bet, it would be some dude with an all black costume and cackling about how he's going to make people's yearnings come to life. Call himself Captain Envy or The Envymaster or whatever."

"Captain Envy? The Envymaster?" Solas's usually cool, collected and unflappable tone was... flapped. He sounded genuinely disgusted at the idea of those names.

"Oh, back home, the stupid names are inescapable. There's so many capes all the good names get taken. There's a hero who goes by Chubster for fuck's sake."

"Chubster? And he is-"

"Fat? Yeah." Or so Vicky had said, anyway, and she'd done the research. "His power makes him like... really tough the slower he is, and he can slow down people and things around him. I think, anyway. Something like that."

"Once more I find myself... Fascinated by the range of powers heroes and villains in your world seem to possess. They are eclectic, to say the least."

"Random bags of bullshit you mean?" Amy chuckled. "As far as anyone can tell, no two people's powers are exactly the same. They may end up working the same in practice, but every single person has slightly different powers. According to the reading Vicky did, anyway."

"There are times, Amy, when I find myself hoping that if I am able to find a way for you to return to your world, it allows for easy travel back and forth. I should like to visit, and perhaps speak to your sister, or have her come here. But I doubt she would wish to come to Thedas permanently, and I would not like to be in a world without the Fade for an extended period either, I think.

"No. Vicky wouldn't like to stay here forever. Leaving aside our family, her friends, her stupid boyfriend, there's hot and cold running water and TVs and online research journals and all that fun stuff. But I could see her wanting to visit. This place has people Vicky could wreck completely guilt free." Amy could just imagine Vicky running into some Tevinter slavers. The thought of them all being left with broken bones and pulped legs and all that shit made a smile form on her face.

Vicky would be doing so much better than me, here. Honestly, in that period between Vicky's trigger and her own, Amy had reflected more than once that her sister would do great in a fantasy world, with orcs or other 'go ahead and be as violent as you want' enemies. She could just charge in, kill the monsters, save the day. Save a handsome prince from a dragon or something like that.

Well, no. Not a dragon. No killing any dragons. Amy frowned as she had that thought and then, Oh God, is the whole reason I find dragons interesting Shaper's fault too? Is - GAH!

What, when it was connected to her power, was even her own goddamn thought?

"Of course, whenever I do hope for the ability to travel back and forth, I am reminded of the many horrors of your world. Some seem manageable by magic, not more mundane methods... others, less so." He pulled his hands off his staff, letting it stand in the ground, either stuck in the dirt or maybe being kept up with magic, she wasn't sure. "On balance, it seems like it might be best for Thedas that your trip back home be one-way."

"Yeah. Probably." Amy exhaled. She bit her lip.

She wanted to go home. She needed to see her sister again. She - she had responsibilities back home. A family. A team. And -

And she did miss them. Even Carol. But it was Vicky most of all she wanted to see again.

Because Vicky was her sister! Because even just having her as a sister was more than enough for anyone.

But you're still greedy. You still want more. Amy pressed her hands against her head, the little voice of insecurity in the back her mind sounding like Envy's, like Envy pretending to be her, with the distortion and -

Amy's breath caught.

What if there was like... a piece of Envy in her, somehow? Like in Harry Potter, when Voldemort split his soul into all those things - why couldn't Amy remember what they were called? - and so a bunch of items had a piece of himself and then wasn't there a piece of the guy in Harry? What if -

You're being a paranoid idiot. Okay, that one sounded more like her normal inner voice but -

"Okay, dumb question, because I'm probably being a paranoid idiot, but is there a way you can check to make sure there's like... no piece of Envy in my head, trying to mess with me or -" Amy started, and Solas nodded, interrupting her before she could start babbling - already her voice had started moving quicker and -

"It's a simple enough spell, though not a widely known one." He held his hand out over her, and the hand glowed. "Give me your hand," he held his own out, and after a moment, Amy held her hand out. He took it in his left hand, held his right over her, pressing down on the skin a moment, casting another spell, and he let go of her hand.

"You are free of any demonic possession or influence."

Of course, Shaper isn't a Demon.

"Good." Amy closed her eyes, let out a breath. I hate Thedas. I hate this world.

That was another reason she wanted to go home. Home made sense. Thedas had magic and demons and -

Maybe I could ask for a dragon egg and take that home with me? Was that a thing? Did people just... have dragon eggs? Or was that one of those things people didn't actually have because mother dragons protected their nests? They didn't seem to protect their young, given those Dragonlings running around on the Storm Coast, or the Dragonlings that Hawke had fought in the Bone Pit, but-

Even Dragons aren't worth staying here forever. Nothing is.

Not even - Amy licked her lips and...

She was going to miss Cassandra. Josephine. Even Katerina.

I might even miss Varric a little. He grew on you. Like moss on a rock or something.

But she had to go home, once the Breach was closed and they didn't need her, didn't need the mark on her hand.

"Thank you for checking. And thank you for being willing to make the potion once we get to Haven."

"You are welcome. Before you go, I did have one question - the spirit you mentioned, the one that helped you cast Envy out of your mind. Have you seen it since we left Therinfal?"

Amy blinked. "Uhm... no?" she wracked her mind. "At - at least I don't remember seeing him. For what that's worth. Do you think he came with us?"

"I think it's quite likely. Since you mentioned its presence, I have been using a combination of magic and... memory tricks, for lack of a better term in the common tongue, to keep a watch for spirits. I am reasonably sure it has been present and that it has made me forget at least once."

"Why do you call Cole 'it'?" Cole seemed distinctly male in a way Envy hadn't. Was it because Envy had changed forms constantly, male or female, and Cole had kept the one form the whole time?

"You called Envy 'it'? Why not this Cole? Spirits lack a gender. Whatever they present as is purely a matter of illusory form, as likely to be a result of the mortal perceiving the spirit as the spirit's own choices. A Desire demon would not show up as a woman to someone who had no interest in women." Solas paused, "Not so long as sexual or romantic desire was the path they intended to use, anyway."

"Do spirits usually give themselves names?" Cole had, but Envy had just called itself 'Envy' the Justice spirit that had possessed Anders was 'Justice'

"No." Solas inclined his head, as if conceding a point. "But," he countered, "someone else may have given it the name. That has been known to happen, especially if the spirit has interacted with mortals long enough or frequently enough. Dalish legends, for instance, speak of a desire demon called Imshael. Possessed of significant knowledge despite being a desire demon, Imshael is said to be a master trickster, capable of fooling people into making deals with it without even realizing it. The name Imshael appears to have been given to the demon by the Dalish, or possibly the Elves of Arlathan."

"And a spirit will just take the name?"

"Sometimes. Names are... interesting. They provide a constraint and a limit, and yet they also provide a certain freedom to exist in that name." Solas said that like it made any sense at all and it probably did to him, but not to Amy.

And Amy didn't feel like asking him what he meant. So instead, she just shrugged. "Okay. Uhm... do you want me to tell you if I see Cole, and manage to remember him? Any suggestions on how to remember him?"

"Writing down that you're seeing him while you see him is a simple tactic. It is only marginally effective, but it is a step up from nothing," Solas suggested. If he was annoyed she didn't ask him what he meant about names, he didn't show it.

Solas's suggestion was something she'd already thought of herself, but then, he did say it was a simple option. How hard are those memory tricks to learn? Would they work against Strangers back home?

"I'll try to remember that," Amy said, and then snorted. "I didn't mean that as a joke."

"I did not think you did," Solas didn't smile, unflappable and unbothered.

"Right." She turned away, heading for her tent. "Thanks again. You may pull the mysterious man of mystery act too much, but you do help, a lot."

"...You're welcome?" Solas sounded like he was confused as if he should be offended or grateful.

Okay, so is that how you get him to stop being so unfazed? Confuse him into submission? Rolling her eyes and smiling a little, Amy continued to her tent.

---

When she told Solas that she would tell him if she did see Cole. she didn't expect to see the spirit within two hours of saying it.

But she'd been in her tent, trying and failing to read some more of The Tale of the Champion. Apart from that, the only fiction book she had to hand unread was that lesbian porn book she'd accidentally bought, and...

She had actually tried to give it another look, with the intent of skimming past the most sexual bits to see if there was actually any plot worth reading, but then she'd - her eyes had passed across a passage and -

And her mind had filled herself and Vicky into the scene and she'd had to hold herself back from vomiting as she'd realized what she was doing and so she'd stuffed the book back into the bottom of her bag.

I'm not burning it, but first chance I get I'm - I'm putting it somewhere far, far, far, far away from me. She'd offer it to Katerina, but she wasn't sure she wanted Katerina to tease her about having bought it by accident in the first place.

"Every time you think about her, you hurt." Cole's voice behind her made Amy jump out of her skin and nearly scream. "She's everything," Cole spoke quickly, in a lower voice, and putting that together with the last few times she'd heard him speak, she was realizing that was the voice he used when reading people's thoughts. "You ache, your heart needs her. You know she hurts, burns you, burns like the sun, sun like her hair, a halo of beautiful light. But you want her, you want her here, want-"

"Shut up!" Amy finally managed to interrupt, turning to look at the spirit. He looked exactly the same as the last time she'd seen him - complete with the stupid floppy hat. "I told you to stop reading my mind." Or close enough, anyway. The last thing she needed was Cole saying the wrong thing in front of people. Somehow, against all odds and all good sense, Cassandra and Katerina didn't hate her, even though they knew about her crush, and her father and the way her powers really worked. She - she could accept that somehow, they could see things that way, especially Cassandra, but it -

I can't count on everyone else to be wrong in the very specific, narrow way Cassandra is....

"I can't help it. Everyone's thoughts are so loud. Yours are harder to understand than most, but then they get even louder when you start repeating thoughts, circling, always circling," once again, that lower and faster voice, "over and over and over, thinking, trapped, no way out, need to find a way out, there is no way, no hope, trapped, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, if there is it's just a train-" Cole cut himself off suddenly and blinked, cocking his head to the side. "I don't understand what a train is."

"A fast moving machine made of metal that will kill a person if it hits them," Amy answered mostly because the sheer, blithe confusion on his face as he asked the question. Even knowing he could read her mind - not that he should - it hadn't occurred to her that he might pick up details from Earth-Bet he'd have even less understanding of than most of the people in Thedas.

The comment about circling - That was clearly the kind of thing that Katerina called 'getting stuck inside her own head'. Not that Katerina was right to always poke her about it, Amy -

It was hard to deny, especially after what had happened at Therinfal, that she sometimes spiraled, trapping herself in a repeating loop of the same thoughts over and over and over again...

She'd like to deny it, but -

"And it doesn't matter if you can't -" Amy started, raising her voice as she started to demand that Cole stop reading her mind, but then she cut herself off, blinking and tried to actually think for a second.

Cole wasn't human. And unlike elves and dwarves and Qunari, he straight up didn't think even a little like a human. Elves and dwarves seemed to be just as capable of the full range of human emotions and thoughts and shit. Iron Bull too, if he was at all representative of Qunari. But spirits, by definition, apparently, could not.

Justice (or Vengeance) could only understand Justice (or Vengeance) and that was it. Envy had ultimately viewed everything through the lens of Envy. Cole was that way too. Amy didn't know what he was a spirit of. 'Helping people' but that wasn't the technical term, probably.

That or he's a spirit of being a stalker creep with no sense of privacy... But Amy figured that was also probably not the right phrasing.

But whatever he was the spirit of, that's all he understood. So Amy would have to put it in a way that would make sense.

He wants to help people, and stop them hurting.

"Having people poke around in my head and then say what they find out, especially if there's anyone else around, only hurts me," Amy said tightly, finally, then exhaled slowly. "So don't do it." Then she added, "Please?"

"But you're hurting. How can I stop you from hurting if I don't know why?" Cole said it as if it made perfect sense, using the kind of 'logic' that only made sense to spirits, therapists and the clinically insane.

"By asking?" Amy snapped, the obtuseness of the question, even if he didn't mean it like that, probably, pissing her off. "Just ask. And then if someone doesn't want to talk, listen to that and stop." This was a futile effort, probably, but -

Cole stared at her a moment, looking confused and baffled, like she'd just spoken to him in a stream of Chinese. "People don't tell me when I ask, I have to make them forget instead-"

"Also, can you stop making people forget about you so much?" Amy had no idea if that was inherent or if it was something she could control. Solas had told her to write it down, but she had nothing handy to write with.. "Can I borrow one of your daggers?" Amy added quickly, and Cole blinked again, but then handed it to her. Was it even a real dagger, or like, some sort of spirit thing? That she could hold it - it felt real - seemed suggest real, but magic and spirits were all bullshit anyway, so...

Amy quickly scratched 'I saw Cole' into the dirt next to her and then handed the dagger back to him.

"People don't always like it when I try to help." Cole countered. "Sometimes they try to hurt me. If I don't make them forget, then they get angry and that hurts them too."

Amy opened her mouth to say that that was why he should stop trying to read people's minds, but then she closed it. Even all that aside, Cole popping up out of seeming nowhere would make people think magic and shit, and most people in Thedas didn't like magic to one extent or another. Templars, the people he'd been around a lot recently (apparently) especially so.

Plus, the fact that he was a spirit and not a demon was probably a distinction most Thedosians would miss. Frankly, Amy knew the distinction existed and it really seemed to be arbitrary.

Like, Solas can go on about a spirit being a purpose and a demon being that purpose corrupted, but really, it feels like demon and spirit are just.... Labels people throw on it. Spirit being the ones that are nice and helpful and not making things worse, and demons that do make things worse. Solas and probably even a lot of human mages - Circle loyalist or rebel - would probably argue with her if she said it, but that didn't mean she was wrong.

"People tend to like their secrets to stay secret," Amy said after a moment.

"Why?" Cole's simple question was one of those questions that you probably needed a whole damn book to answer, but could also be answered with one sentence. Like 'why do bad things happen to good people?' Because they fucking do, deal with it.

There was a reason Amy wasn't asked to do outreach events with kids she wasn't actively healing - not that specific exchange, that one had never happened, but because Amy didn't have tolerance from stupid questions from anyone, even kids.

And yet, with Cole, the question kind of... wasn't stupid? Or at least, not as stupid?

"Because the whole point of secrets is that people want them to not get out." Amy pinched the bridge of her nose. This was probably useless, but as long as she could get Cole to not tell anyone about -

"The secrets are hurting them. Your secrets are hurting you," Cole said blandly, calm, confused and Amy pulled a hand down her face, because she was certain this wasn't an act and that made it worse, somehow.

"I -" Amy closed her mouth. Her secrets did hurt her, but it wasn't the keeping them secret that hurt. That was the thing that kept her from getting hurt. If Carol knew that Amy could do brains, if Vicky knew about her crush or about her villainous father... "It's not the keeping them hidden that hurts Cole. You saw - you saw how I reacted when Envy told Cassandra and Katerina about-" Amy lowered her voice, "you know. My sister."

She blinked, "In hindsight... why didn't you show up to help me then? I was hurting then for sure."

"I tried. You couldn't hear me, and that," he pointed to the glowing mark on Amy's hand - with no rifts nearby, the glow was minor, but it was a fact of her life, "made it difficult to try and make you forget, so I didn't."

"Okay, never make me forget about anything," Amy insisted. "With - I wish you wouldn't do it in general, but just... never do it with me, okay Cole? What would you have even made me forget about? Vicky? Fuck no!"

What would her memory of her life even be if she suddenly forgot about her sister? She wouldn't have a life. Vicky was there, Vicky was everywhere in her memories, her whole life was her sister - her favorite person, her only person and -

It's no wonder I became a gross freak about her, when you think about it... everything she did, everything she was, it all revolved around her sister.

Like, Amy wasn't around her sister 24/7, and she had had things she liked that weren't liked to Amy, back before she'd triggered... (and now, that she'd rediscovered her love of romance stories.) but... still.

Her life and her sister's had been intertwined. The idea of forgetting her -

"Thinking about her hurts you," Cole pointed out.

"Yes, because I miss her! And I want to spend time with her!" Amy countered, raising her voice. "My sister is the most important person in my life, and I'm stuck here in this - this place and I would love it if she could come and hug me and tell me it's going to be alright like she did when we were six and I was afraid of everything and -" Amy's voice cracked and she closed her eyes, blinking back tears.

"Thinking about her isn't what hurts, it's the fact that she's not here that hurts." Amy finished. "And my - the other things I'm keeping hidden aren't hurting because they're hidden either. But again, the fact of them." Knowing that her father was a villain, and - and -

Fucking Shaper. She would have to wait for weeks to get an answer, wait until they got to Haven. She was going to find out how much of all the horrible ideas she got she could blame on the bastard.

"Thoughts aren't as real out here," Cole said after a moment.

Amy blinked. "What?" What kind of absolute non-sequiter-

"In your head, when you hurt yourself because you hate you, that happened because in your head thoughts are real." Cole reminded her, and Amy sagged, remembering how that had felt, and what Cole had said.

'Thoughts are always real, but they're even more real here,' he'd said, and '"You hate Envy, so you hurt Envy - but you hate you - so you hurt you. You kept talking about yourself, about your hate for you. Kept thinking about it. Your thoughts became more real.'

He can read people's minds. He phrased it like... he said something like everyone was always in his thoughts. Which probably meant it was an involuntary thing. Like Dean, fucking seeing colors based on people's emotions. The bland jerk couldn't change that if he wanted, anymore than Amy could touch a living thing and not get a look at it's biology.

Of course, the spirits and demons show up. They're not alive, but they do a good job of playacting it.

Magic.

Magic was fucking bullshit.

Then again, so are powers, since projections don't read as alive to my powers. I guess spirits and demons are basically just projections of themselves, aren't they?

That was probably the way Vicky would try to make sense of it all, anyway.

"But out here, thoughts aren't as real." Cole finished. "The thought isn't real. Thinking about doing it isn't the same as doing it. Not out here."

"I know that!"

"You don't think like you know it," Cole said calmly.

"What does that even -" Amy started, but cut herself off. It would be exactly the same sort of thing that Cassandra and Katerina had said, about thoughts not being actions and all that. And that wasn't true. They could say it all they wanted. Cole could say the same thing.

But thoughts - they didn't come from nowhere. Maybe she could blame some of them on Shaper, but she couldn't blame all of them on it, and she knew that. Not the ones about Vicky.

"Thoughts come from somewhere," Amy said firmly. "I wouldn't be having these thoughts if I didn't want to do it on some level, if some part of me -" Amy closed her eyes, took a breath.

"I don't think that's how it works, not here." Cole shook his head. "I thought that once, that thoughts had to be real like that here too, like they are in the Fade, but it's not."

"If thoughts aren't real, then the fact that I want to be better wouldn't come from anywhere," Amy countered. She did want to be better. Katerina wasn't wrong about that when she'd yelled at her about it, told her to 'fucking try'. And she wanted to be the person Cassandra and Victoria thought she was. She could never actually be that person, but if she didn't try -

Then what would be the point of anything?

Trying was all she had, and it was all she was going to be able to do, but that didn't mean she could stop trying. Unbidden, she remembered a line from Star Wars. Always thought Yoda was full of crap, but now I guess I know he is.

"Do or do not. There is no try." Cole said, and Amy blinked. "What does that mean?"

He can pick up fucking STAR WARS quotes from my thoughts? Amy let out a laugh at the insanity of that, the sheer ridiculousness of hearing Yoda's words coming from the spirit. For a moment, she imagined Yoda wearing Cole's stupid floppy hat and she giggled. She was pretty sure she sounded a little hysterical, but she couldn't bring herself to give a shit.

"...what's so funny?" Cole asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"No," Amy said through continued laughter, "You didn't, I just -" she let out a long, kind of satisfied sigh. "I think I kind of needed that," she murmured, then giggled again, remembering the way Yoda leapt around the Senate chamber in his fight with Palpatine at the end of Revenge of the Sith. Another scene she'd been unable to do justice to when retelling it to Katerina, but -

She imagined Cole leaping around like that, and that much, she could easily see happening - he could use those daggers of his pretty well, as far as Amy could tell...

"But I don't understand what's so funny?!" Cole almost - almost sounded like he was whining, which made Amy giggle again.

"Amy?!" Amy looked up to see Katerina opening the tent flap and then she blinked, "Is that -" she pointed at Cole.

"Oh, you can see him this time?" Amy inhaled. "Good. Yes. This is Cole."

"And you are Katerina. You want to know what I am."

"Among other things," Katerina agreed.

"Sorin means what he says," Cole said, seemingly apropos of nothing. "His thoughts are hard, but there's no mirrors in his mind. Rock, not glass." Amy blinked at Katerina, who seemed to almost get what he was saying,

"Are you- are you reading my mind?!" Katerina demanded. "How did you - I - did you read Sergeant Sorin's mind?"

"Yeah, he can do that." Amy cut in. "Who is Sergeant Sorin?"

"One of the Templars. A friend of Corporal Adrienne's. We had a discussion and I just kind of thought about him without meaning to a moment ago..." Katerina explained.

"Thinking about the choices and -"

"Hey! Stop that! No reading my thoughts!"

"I can't help it. People think so loudly." Cole replied to Katerina.

"I think it's an involuntary thing. Trust me, I don't want him in my head either, but..." Amy sighed. "I'm fine. Cole just said something that made me think of something funny. Remember Yoda?"

Katerina's brow furrowed, "The little green guy who was a Jedi? Trained Luke and said that stupid thing to Anakin?"

Which stupid thing? He said a few.

"Yeah." Amy nodded. "I imagined Yoda wearing Cole's hat. It's - it's less funny if you haven't actually seen the actual Yoda in the movies, but just imagine a little green guy with a hat like that." She held her hand a few feet from the ground, more or less Yoda's height.

"...That is a very large hat for someone that short," Katerina agreed.

"What's wrong with my hat?" Cole sounded almost indignant now. Before Amy could answer the question, Katerina went on.

"You helped Amy out with Envy? I saw you in the fight, against all those shades Envy summoned." Cole nodded. "You helped save her life."

"Envy was hurting her. Wanted to hurt everyone. Because Envy thought that it would feel better if it became her. I don't know why. Becoming the Lord Seeker didn't make Envy feel better."

"...you feel bad for Envy?" Of all the people or things they'd fought to feel bad for - Amy had felt bad for the Dragonlings, and she could sort of get why Solas felt bad for the demons that they'd fought at the rifts, even if she thought it was stupid. She could get why someone would feel bad for Alexius, and if someone felt bad for the Red Templars she'd call them an idiot, but she supposed she could see why an idiot would feel bad for them -

But Envy? Fucking Envy?

"Envy was hurting too. Envy always hurts," Cole explained. "Envy always wants to be someone else, someone other than who they are, but they're always themselves, no matter who they become."

"I... I think I almost followed that..." Katerina finally said after a moment, and Amy nodded. She did too, even if she thought it was stupid to feel bad for Envy over it. But it made sense. Envy was Envy. And it wanted to be her. Envy demons stole people's faces. Became people.

Because they don't want to be themselves.

Fuck.

She had something in common with Envy demons. What a lovely thought to have.

"You'll always be yourself too," Cole told her.

"Don't I fucking know it." Amy muttered. "Why are-"

"We should tell Lady Pentaghast he's here." Katerina interrupted. "Assuming he doesn't vanish again."

Amy blinked, then nodded. Cassandra should know. She looked at Cole. "Don't go vanishing until we talk to Cassandra."

"You'll let me help you hurt less?" Cole asked, and Amy closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose again.

"Yes, fine whatever, you can do your helping thing. Let's just - go talk to Cassandra, okay?"

Amy stood up and Cole was on his feet as they both went out of the tent behind Katerina. Cassandra was sitting by one of the campfires, sharpening a sword.

"Cassandra?" Cassandra paused her movements and looked up at Amy as she spoke, then stiffened, the hand that wasn't holding the whetstone tightening around the hilt.

"Who is that?"

"That would be Cole. The spirit who helped me with Envy. He told me what I needed to do to get Envy out of my head, and helped me do it." Maybe Amy would have kept going if Cole hadn't suggested it, but it would have been harder, and - and his words had helped her keep moving at a few moments, especially near the end.

"He also helped fight those shades, remember?" Katerina said, and Cassandra nodded after a moment, as if she was only just remembering. Which... she probably was. Cassandra stood, hand still tight on her blade.

"Why is it here?"

"I want to help." Cole answered, his usual answer, because... that was what he could say.

"Cole isn't an 'it', Cassandra." Amy said firmly.

"It's a spirit, Amy. They don't have a gender."

"Cole, are you a guy? Male? Whatever you want to use." Amy asked after a moment. She didn't like the idea of calling Cole 'it'. It felt dehumanizing and fine, he wasn't human but he had helped her. He was a person, not a thing.

"...I'm not not male," Cole said after a moment. "I think?"

"Close enough for me," Amy concluded. "Don't call him 'it' Cassandra. He's not a demon."

"Spirits may not be demons, but they are not something you can just allow to roam freely," Cassandra said firmly, but she lowered her sword a little more. "What sort of spirit are you?"

Why the fuck didn't I think to ask him? Envy had known it was an Envy demon, right? So of course a spirit should know what it's a spirit of? Would a spirit be able to lie about it? Envy had lied about being the Lord Seeker, but presumably no one had asked the 'Lord Seeker' what kind of demon it was.

"...I'm not sure anymore." Cole said after a long moment. "I think I was a spirit of Compassion, once, and I still want to help, but should Compassion kill people? I can do that. I have done that. There are people that hurt others, and even though they're sometimes hurting, it's not right that they hurt people who didn't hurt them."

"...I have never heard of a spirit of Compassion killing others." Cassandra said after another long moment, and then she sheathed her sword. "You trust... him, Amy?"

"If it wasn't for him, Envy might have... he was the one who told me how to force Envy out of my head." Amy said. "I believe him when he says he wants to help. If he'd just stay out of my head, I'd be happier, but -"

"I told you, everyone's in my thoughts," Cole interrupted, and Amy nodded.

"I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I wish it wasn't happening," She gestured at him, looking back at Cassandra. "I don't think he can stop reading people's minds."

"Really?" Cassandra looked at him, eyes narrowed.

"I don't think your sword would fit there!" Cole said, sounding surprised and Amy could guess what that meant. She smirked, despite herself.

"Perhaps not," Cassandra agreed. "Seekers are taught more about demons than spirits, but spirits of Compassion are said to be able to seek out those who are in pain, and offer them comfort in their dreams."

"That's what I did, once. Then I was here, in the world, and I tried to help stop people from hurting in other ways." He frowned, and looked down, "It didn't always work, and I - I hurt people while trying to help. But then I met Rhys, and he showed me a better solution. How I could help people without hurting them. And then I realized there were people who were causing the hurt. So I stopped them."

"By killing them." Cassandra sounded skeptical.

"You kill people too," Amy exclaimed, feeling like she had to call Cassandra out about that, hold her accountable again like she'd promised she would.. "I get that that's - just how things go in Thedas and it's not like there was a better option when there's Red Templars or Venatori coming at you, but - as long as he kills the people who deserve it-"

"Yes, but spirits do not tend to always be clear on such things. Justice was a spirit, and you are aware of how that ended, no?" Cassandra noted and Amy frowned, because she had a point. "It is very easy for even a well-intentioned spirit to become harmful when in the mortal realm. I've not heard it happening with a spirit of Compassion, but Seeker Lore speaks of times when it has happened with spirits of other types.

After this long in Thedas, Amy had had to come to terms with other people killing their opponents in a fight. The Inquisition did have what passed for legal authority in Thedas, more or less, and Amy's objection wasn't to the death penalty - some fucking people deserved death - but she still didn't love that Cassandra and Katerina - and everyone else - killed people when they fought actual people, as opposed to demons or whatever. But they were people who were either working for Corypheus, or actively attacking innocent people or just attacked the Inquisition's own people and Amy had to accept that was how things were done in Thedas.

She didn't have to like it, but she could accept it. And the key thing was it was people who deserved it and probably would have ended up with some kind of death penalty anyway... and she trusted Cassandra to not kill people who didn't deserve it... unless Varric was being an ass that day. Same with Katerina, and Varric and... Not sure if I trust Sera not to kill someone who doesn't deserve it. Amy was happy to say 'fuck the nobles' but Josephone was noble, and she didn't deserve to die, so there had to be some good ones out there.

But could she really trust Cole to always make the right choice with killing? He was a spirit of Compassion, but he killed people. She could follow his logic - killing people who were hurting other people made as much sense as anything else in this nightmare world, but how could she be sure he wouldn't end up making the same kind of... mistakes or whatever the fuck it was that had happened with Justice to make him blow up a building and provoke an attempt to massacre a bunch of innocent mages who weren't even involved?

What if Cole took something too literally, or went too far, or - he misunderstood something and killed someone who didn't deserve it, using logic that made sense to him, but no one else?

"That's why I followed the Templars to Therinfal," Cole said calmly. "I wanted to help them, but I knew they could stop me if I became a demon, if I hurt people again." Then Cole frowned, "I couldn't help many of them, especially after they started becoming red inside, and the Templars ended up being the ones who needed to be stopped..."

"Is that why you've followed us? Because you know the Inquisition can kill you if need be?" Something in Amy twinged as she said that. Amy didn't want to die. She didn't even want to think about the appeal of 'not existing', which was something she'd often lingered on until recently... But if she did become a villain... if she did abuse her power, or - or create monstrosities or mess with people's brains... mess with her sister's brain...

Well, I hope the real Carol is as willing to kill me as the version of Carol in my nightmares when I was a kid was, or the version Envy pretended to be... Because at that point, Amy would deserve to die, and she should be stopped from hurting more people.

She'd never actually thought about it before now, but it was true.

"I do want to help. I can help. The Breach is loud, it's hurting spirits, driving them mad, and then they become demons and hurt people. Envy wanted to help the one behind it. The Red Templars will hurt people. I can help stop them." Cole explained. "And you can stop me if I go wrong, if I become a demon."

"I will not hesitate if that becomes the case, Cole." Cassandra cautioned, and Amy bit her lip.

"Good." Cole accepted. "I can help though!"

"I saw him fight. You saw him fight. He's good with his daggers, and there's a lot of combat potential in someone who can make the enemy forget they saw him." Katerina offered after a moment. "He helped save Amy's life against Envy and the shades, and helped Amy against Envy in the first place.

"This is true," Cassandra mused. She looked squarely at Cole. "If you are to work with the Inquisition, you must follow orders." Cole started to note, but Cassandra went on: "That means not killing on your own initiative. Not unless the threat to innocent lives or the Inquisition is imminent."

"But what if they're going to hurt someone?"

"As I said, if it is imminent, then you may act, though I will expect answers afterwards." Cassandra said firmly. "If it is not imminent, tell me of them and I shall tell you if it is appropriate to kill them." Cassandra sighed, "There are a great many people in the world who hurt others who we cannot simply kill. Life would be easier if we could."

"Such as nobles?"

"Such as some nobles, yes." Cassandra agreed. "The Inquisition cannot go around killing every single Orlesian marquis that treats their subjects poorly, much as it would be appealing to do so."

"If they're hurting people, why can't I?"

"Because things are not as simple in this world as they are in the Fade." Cassandra said after a moment. "You likely will not understand it, but trust me when I say that though some might deserve death, their deaths would only cause more problems than they would solve, especially in the immediate term."

"I don't understand," Cole said, blinking.

Amy pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to figure out some way to explain it. Apart from the obvious 'killing people is bad outside of actual fight or a legally done death penalty/kill order type thing'. Because she was certain Cole wouldn't get that at all.

"If you killed a noble who doesn't have a clear heir, then maybe his cousins start a war over who gets to take his holdings and that gets a bunch of people hurt in between." Katerina offered, clearly trying to get a point across that Cole might get.

"Then shouldn't I just kill his cousins too? If they're hurting people out of greed?"

"You'd have to kill a lot of people, and they won't all be in one place." Katerina answered. "If nothing else, it would be a logistical nightmare and people would get hurt while you're going from cousin to cousin."

"...things were simpler at the White Spire," Cole murmured after a moment.

"You were at the White Spire?" Cassandra's eyes went wide, then, "Rhys... you knew Senior Enchanter Rhys?"

"He was my friend. I was at the White Spire. That's where I became... me," Cole explained, as if that answered anything. "Rhys helped me see how I could help people better than I was."

"Who was Senior-Enchanter Rhys?"

"One of the leading figures of the incidents leading up to the final vote of the mages to rebel. He went missing during the conflict before the Conclave," Cassandra answered. "Rhys was falsely accused of murdering a Tranquil by Lord Seeker Lambert, which helped make matters even worse between the Templars and Circles than they already were at that point."

"What little I've heard about this Lambert makes it clear he was a fucking asshole," Amy muttered.

"Lambert only cared about himself, his power." Cole did that thing with his voice like when he was reading minds, that lower, faster voice. "Pathetic mages. Crush them at Andoral's Reach or starve them out. Doesn't matter which. I need an example, Seekers succeeding, seizing power. Overthrow the Divine, triumphant in the eyes of the Maker."

"...you claim Lord Seeker Lambert was planning to overthrow Divine Justina?" Cassandra demanded.

"He was. He hurt my friend. Killed people who didn't deserve it." Cole explained. "You're a better Seeker than he ever was, Cassandra. You care. He never did."

"...I am uncertain if I believe you. Or at least - if I believe you understood him correctly. Justinia and Lambert did not see eye to eye on many things, but to overthrow her? Lead some sort of coup against the Sunburst throne? It would have turned all of the south against the Seekers and Templars. It would be madness." She shook her head. "Regardless - as long as you can abide by the terms set, you may stand with the Inquisition."

Could we really make him leave if we told him no and he didn't want to? Maybe with some magic or more of Solas's memory tricks, but Strangers were tough to deal with and Cole's 'Stranger power' was pretty intense.

"Also, don't make me forget about seeing you," Amy said firmly. "In fact, consider this a blanket rule: 'don't make me or Cassandra or Katerina forget about anything without our express permission'." she paused, then, "Or Solas." Since he was probably the only person they could turn to for help if they did need to get rid of or banish Cole or something, best to not have him forget about seeing Cole either.
"Why not?"

"Honestly Cole, I have no idea how to explain it to you." Amy said after a moment. "I just would really really appreciate it if you don't, okay?"

Cole nodded slowly, looking like he didn't understand. "If it will help..."

"It will." Amy confirmed. "And - I know you can't not read minds, but just - keep people's secrets secret? Only talk to them about them, when no one else is around? Okay?" Cole nodded again slowly, again looking like he didn't get it.

I really fucking hope this doesn't blow up in our faces.

"Welcome to the Inquisition, Cole." Amy said, holding out a hand. Cole stared at it several moments.

"It's a handshake. You take my hand and we sort of move our hands up and down-" Cole grabbed her hand and shook hers vigorously, pumping it up and down in big arcs. Amy grimaced, but somehow held back from yanking her hand away immediately. "Yeah. Like that. Just - maybe a little less intense." Amy said, pulling her arm back after four very big shakes.

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Author's Note: One of the problems with any work of fanfiction based on something as complicated as Worm or Dragon Age is that there's situations where it would make perfect sense for a character to bring up something - that's especially true with early Cole who has no real filter - but that if they did, it would spark an extra three to four thousand words of onscreen discussion and explanation. So sometimes, people just don't bring things up. In some ways, Cole's weirdness helps make that work anyway - it may make sense for him to bring some things up, but... Cole doesn't always make sense, now does he?