Furiko's Omake Theatre~!
Warning: Sappy pointless crap.
The Tale of the Wandering Investigators
The lab is collapsing around you, but for some reason your legs won't work. You're stuck there, staring at the spot where he just disappeared.
Jigen ricochets a bullet into the booth that takes Dr Crab in the eye. Goemon finally finds the weak point of the laser and reduces it to scrap.
It's only you and Fujiko who've frozen in time.
"... Lupin..."
For once, she actually looks her age.
There's a hand on your arm.
"Oi, tottsan, we've got to go."
... you're not fooled for a minute!
"Getcher hands offa me, you lug! Where'd Lupin go?"
Jigen manages to get you in a full nelson and starts hauling you toward the exit.
"This whole place is about to go up. We need t-"
You throw him - though not without a wheeze; you hate getting old.
"LUPIN!"
"Zenigata-no-tottsan!"
"Didn't you hear what that old buzzard said?" You point at the glowing archway at the back of the mad scientist's office.
"The laser uses the same energy as that damned portal! Dematerialized? Bull! Why have a door of the stuff right at your desk if all it does is kill people?" You jump up to the ledge and scramble around to the sidedoor, forcing it open with a kick.
"He was gonna use it to escape! To wherever he sent Lupin!"
"Pops, you can't!"
You swallow your fear, and, clear-eyed, rush through the portal.
"MATTE, LUPIN!"
You are Zenigata Koichi, and you are in hot pursuit.
=
"It's not worthless junk! It's the symbol of an officer of the law!"
"Then why are you selling it? Take the money and get outta here before I call the watch, ya rummy."
You are Zenigata Koichi, and you are officially on your last ryo in a country where law-enforcement is handled primarily by magic assassins, snooty court officials, and chop-sockey martial artists.
Not that different from home, except now you have no job and you're down to your last four bullets. You almost wish you
had been disintegrated.
"Lupin, you monkey-faced bastard... when I find you I'm gonna..."
Do what, exactly? Breathe on him and expect him to pass out from the fumes?
You're a joke.
=
She is six years old and much thinner than she should be.
"Don't make a fuss now, missy; we're here to help. We run a rest home for little ladies like you - ya get to wear pretty clothes, learn a trade, and work with lots of important people."
"Hey, it beats sleeping out here in the open, right? Why, some ruffian could just come along and-"
"Oof!"
Your gun has long since run out of bullets, but a jitte never needs reloading.
"Let the girl go."
"Fuckin' cocksucker-!"
Slow. They're both too slow. But then, after all this time, so are you. You come away from the fight the victor, but with a large gash in your arm. Cursing, you take a seat to clean up the wound. Removing your coat, you offer it to the young girl with the wide grey eyes. She takes it, but doesn't put it on. She looks almost as frightened of you as she did of those two little gangbangers - and you can't really blame her; the windows in the high street have shown you what you look like these days. You wouldn't trust you either.
"... are you a shinobi, mister?" she asks.
You scoff.
"Nope. I'm something better." You try to smile reassuringly.
"A policeman."
She looks confused. "... is that like a spy?"
"What? No!" You hiss as you dab at the cut, and think about how to explain it to her. Saying 'it's like being part of the watch' is not going to be reassuring to anyone who has actually met a member of Tanzaku Gai's watch.
"... I find bad people so that they can be punished," you finally settle on.
"Is the pay any good?"
The question blindsides you completely.
"Pay?"
"I need to get a job so those guys don't come back," the girl says matter-of-factly. "Yaya-nee said if I have a pimp or a connection to one of the families the small fry will leave me alone. I thought I could work at the messenger service with her, but the Kurioka family blew it up last week. So do you have to be an adult to be a policeman?"
=
You are Kiki, and you are resolved to be the best damn assistant policeman in the world.
But that doesn't mean you don't want a bedtime story.
"Maa, Kiki-chan, I'm not very good at making up stories."
"Just tell me a true one, then."
So he does.
A half-hour ticks by. You're all snuggled down in the ratty blanket, struggling to stay awake. You know you want to hear the end.
"... but the brave policeman told the princess, 'No. He stole something very special indeed - your heart.'"
"... 'nd then what happened?" you mumble.
Heh. He makes silly hand-gestures when he gets into it.
"And then the policeman chased off after the naughty thief!"
"Did he catch him?"
The old man looks sad.
"No. He never did manage it."
"Poor policeman..." You yawn, and roll over. "'nks for the story, pops."
=
You are Zenigata Koichi, and you hate being called a bounty hunter.
There may not be an INTERPOL outpost anywhere in this miserable world, and you may not have your badge anymore, but it makes no difference. Now more than ever, you need to remember who you are.
"No, stop, Kiki!" You wrench the sword out of your assistant's hands.
"We're bringing him in. That's final."
"You saw what he did!" she screams.
"And that's why we have to take him in," you reply sternly.
"If we shoot him down like a dog, we won't be anything other than a stronger pack of dogs muscling in. A police officer upholds the law and enforces it, but only the people can decide who lives and who dies."
"What 'people', Dad?" Kiki demands. "Take a look at the world around you and tell me where these wise, wise people supposedly are."
You can't forget where you came from. But your daughter can't ignore where you are now.
Not one of the criminals you capture have seen a dark-haired foreigner in a Water Country-yakuza jacket with an obnoxious giggle doing impossible things.
Eventually you stop asking. It hurts not to know, but it hurts more to hope.
=
It springs from small things.
"Excuse me, ma'am? You dropped this back there."
"Oh, my goodness! Thank you so much, young lady."
"Not at all!"
It isn't constant; in all honesty, there are times when you just want to shake her. Especially lately - Kiki makes a very flighty teenager, perhaps to make up for her serious-faced childhood.
"Hey, don't worry about it, Raiko-chan! If he wants to sit and simmer like a big baby because you aren't ready to give it up yet, let him! A woman's gotta have her pride, you know! If he really cares about you he'll understand."
There were days, early on, when you'd try to leave her behind. You'd meet someone with a good steady business and a friendly family, or that martial artist couple with the dojo, or even that one old woman with a house the size of an airport, who needed some child, any child to inherit her money so it didn't revert to her brother. True, that last one turned out to be some kind of ghost looking for a new body to possess, but on the surface the offer had sounded pretty good.
"Holy shit, she just took out Pacchi and Kucchi at once! Get her!"
She always caught up with you. Always said the same thing: "Man, you must be getting old. How could you forget your assistant?"
There are so many things you know you can't give her.
"HALT! In the name of the law!"
So many things you
wish you could give her.
"Aw, Dad. You know you've already given me everything important."
You are Zenigata Koichi, and you are so proud of her.
=
"I don't like him."
"Well it's a good thing you're not dating him, then."
You never like them. Kiki's boyfriends are all cut from the same cloth; new money, usually friends of whoever's hired you, almost offensively handsome, smooth in their speech, and always dumping her for the next pretty face to come along. A pack of male Mine Fujikos, all of 'em.
You are Zenigata Koichi, and you'd probably be an overprotective father if your little girl didn't have you wrapped around her finger.
=
"She's beautiful," you say, tears welling up.
"You really think so?" Kiki asks, looking the baby over with a wrinkled nose. "I think she looks sort of like a squashed melon with hair."
You are Zenigata Koichi, and you are a grandfather.
=
It was a cheap funeral. You and your dad were never exactly high-rollers.
"It's a civilian position, officially, but we always prefer it to go to someone at least competent."
A desk job is the last thing you want. You remember the times you had to go undercover as an office lady to get the necessary intel and try not to gag.
"It should provide you with more stability than you've had up 'til now," he continues. "You'd be assured your daughter would be getting the best education possible, as well."
The man's words are kind, but he couldn't sound more bored by them if he had the hiring script right in front of him.
"I accept," you say, because with a three-year-old in your arms and empty pockets what else can you say?
You are Zenigata Kiki, and you are the Konoha Military Police's new civilian mediator.
=
You are Zenigata Kiki, and your daughter is very upset.
"Tenten," you say with a sigh, propping yourself up in your hospital bed, "there's nothing to do about it. We don't have a family registry, so we don't have any legal claim to the name Zenigata."
"Then can we
get a family registry?" she asks. "Please, Mom? It can be my birthday
and New Year's present!"
There haven't been many of those lately. With the dissolution of the Keimu Butai, you've been forced to take a position as a file clerk at the library. It paid less, but with Tenten still on a scholarship it wouldn't have been too bad, until you got sick.
"It isn't that simple," you say. "Grandpa didn't have any family members except for us, and we aren't even blood-related to him."
"You always said that didn't matter," your daughter says, wilting visibly.
"It shouldn't," you say, rolling your eyes. "It didn't before we came to Konoha. But ninja like to keep accurate records, and just going by the records, you and I don't have a last name and that's that."
She looks completely crushed.
"Oh, Tenten, the records don't mean anything." You wipe her eyes. "No one calls the Sandaime Hokage by his name, do they? It's always 'the Sandaime' or 'Hokage-sama'. Just because you have to start out with one name, that doesn't mean you can't earn another one."
"Like you?" she asks.
"... yeah," you say, a small smile on your face. "At least, I hope I earned it."
=
"Yosh! We shall begin with self-introductions! Will it be ladies first, then?"
"My name is Tenten! I enjoy fortune telling, practising fuuinjutsu, instant ramen with the blue label, and visiting my mother's grave! I dislike instant ramen with the red label, criminals, and people who look down on me. My dream is to make Konoha a safe and happy place for everyone who lives here, to re-establish the Konoha Military Police, and to become worthy of my family name."
