Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Cherry Lover]

I have forgot a fair bit of the details. Could have sworn it was one rape too many xD

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Well, part of it was that Sakura felt she "belonged" to Shirou now, so she resisted Shinji, but when he threatened to tell Shirou, she just let him do it because she didn't want Shirou to find out (because she knew Shirou would beat Shinji into a pulp, and she didn't want to put him in that position). But, then, it became obvious to her that he was going to tell Shirou anyway, so she went "I wish he was dead" and suddenly he was dead.

 

[Davos]

Well, part of it was that Sakura felt she "belonged" to Shirou now, so she resisted Shinji, but when he threatened to tell Shirou, she just let him do it because she didn't want Shirou to find out (because she knew Shirou would beat Shinji into a pulp, and she didn't want to put him in that position). But, then, it became obvious to her that he was going to tell Shirou anyway, so she went "I wish he was dead" and suddenly he was dead.

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Thank you for the refresher...though hearing it years later can't help but make me think of a friend's complaints with ntr stories on how some characters think

 

[Cherry Lover]

Thank you for the refresher...though hearing it years later can't help but make me think of a friend's complaints with ntr stories on how some characters think

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Well, yeah, Sakura is someone who has been abused for years and has zero sense of self-worth. She's unlikely to have a healthy idea of what a relationship should be like. Fortunately, she's with someone who will love her unconditionally and do his best to help her cope with that.

 

[Davos]

The next morning, Taiga and Sakura left for their respective homes to handle matters, leaving the trio of master and servants to discuss their options.

"…I think we should approach Illya." Rin suggests.

"No." Kazuma promptly says.

"I'm not a fan of this option either but-"

"But nothing, you saw how badass her servant was, she has no reason to join forces with us!" Kazuma says.

"She will, if she thinks what Kirei has in the church is a threat, which is where you come in!"

"You expect me to negotiate again after how horribly the one with Shinji went? And I suspect despite her shortness and murderous urges, she is much smarter than she appears."

"He has a point master. I doubt Illya will see much point in joining forces when she can merely force her way." Archer says.

"So you can't flub the truth for your own gain again?"

"I don't lie! And I think she'll buy it! She reminds me a bit of a mad mage I knew, who despite her quirks is rather intelligent."

"You got a better plan to deal with Caster with her reserve of mana on a ley line then?" Rin asks.

Kazuma remains silent.

Shirou stands up after eating and heads for the door. Saber follows him.

"I'm heading to Taiga's, I'll be safe. I doubt anything will be accomplished today between their bickering and general uncertainty."

"I will not-"

"I will use a command seal if need be." Shirou says, cutting off Saber.

"What makes you so sure Taiga's place is safe?" Cu asks.

"…There's usually a lot of people there. I doubt Caster will attack that in broad day light."

"A dozen family members is not exactly enough for safety." Saber says.

"It's more like a hundred people."

"Why does she have a hundred people?"

"They…work for her family." Shirou says before leaving. Archer glances at him with a raised brow.

'Odd….usually he would stay and join the strategy meeting or go for training…then again this whole time line is messed up.' Archer thinks before glancing at Kazuma, who meets his gaze.

Shirou returns later that night with two suitcases.

"Will you give it a rest? I'm not going!" Kazuma says.

"…I'll join you and Sakura for an outing the next day." Rin says and Kazuma agrees after setting terms for no magic and murder, making Shirou grimace.

===

The next day they wake up early to begin the long trek to the Einzbern castle, eating a simple breakfast of cold leftovers and wait by the gate for Shirou.

"Sorry, this took a little longer than I expected to get on." Shirou says as he approaches the gate.

"About time, what was taking you so-ooo…" Rin trails off when she sees Shirou approach in a black suit and trench coat, a suit case in hand.

"That's…fine…" She says, still looking at Shirou with wide eyes.

"You're drooling." Kazuma whispers, making Rin blush and dab at her mouth with a handkerchief. When there is nothing on it, she glares at Kazuma.

He grins before chancing on Saber's face.

She is pale, open mouthed, and croaking slightly.

"…You ok Saber?" Cu asks.

Saber does not respond, instead merely looking more vacant eyed, muttering 'it's happening again…'.

Even Archer is shocked.

Eventually Rin recovers as they near the castle.

"…Einzbern castle has a defense system that won't let anyone near it, making them get turned around and leave the forest if they approach. I had planned some measure to bypass it but…"

"Illya wants us to approach."

"I think she wants to take us out in one swoop." Cu says, getting begrudging agreements from everyone as they approach the castle gate.

They open of their own accord with a magestic creak and no one nearby.

Kazuma turns around, getting three pairs of hands on him to prevent his escape.

Cu's, Rin's, and Shirou's.

"…Do none of you see how bad a castle gate opening on it own is? That is literally the start of a horror movie!"

"We're already here. May as well see what's inside." Cu says as he drags Kazuma to the inside of the castle. After a few slow steps inside, a wave mana swarms them.

===

Rin looks around, pointing her hand in a circle, ready to shoot the first thing she sees, almost leading to her shooting Saber.

"What the…?" Rin asks before lowering her arm.

"…I think Illya used that magic to separate us."

"Great...divide and conquer…" Rin says before looking at the long ornate table.

"Hopefully they aren't too far…" Saber says before leading Rin out of the room.

"…You seem to know where you are going?"

"That…is a story for another time…" Saber says.

===

Archer's eye twitches when he sees he is alone with Shirou in a random hallway.

'In most other circumstances this would be ideal…' He thinks before sighing and going down a hallway before sidestepping a dive bombing bird of wire. He cuts it down with his short sword and turns his gaze down the hall, seeing three more. Then one turns into a swrod and plunges straight for Shirou at a blazing speed. Archer slashes it with relative ease.

'Well, can't let him die yet…' Archer thinks with a grimace before the birds fly off, knowing they cannot best a servant.

===

Kazuma and Cu wind u in the garden, Kazuma pale faced, Cu grimacing at the sight before them.

Illya sitting in a chair humming happily with a maid at each side, one of those maids holding a halberd, and Heracles behind her, staring Kazuma and Cu Chulainn down, just waiting for an order.

"I must say, I thought you would have run away long before coming to my castle, you worm~."

"I thought this party would have more sense…but desperate times…I suspect I know your answer, but how do you feel about joining forces?" Kazuma asks and Illya stares at him a moment before giggling.

"You are very amusing…Maybe I should keep you as a pet jester?" Illya asks while resting her face against her hand while leaning to the right with the smuggest of grins. A moment later it falters.

"Wait, are you serious?"

"In my defense, it wasn't my idea…"

"That makes sense…but why would I ever join forces with anyone? Berserker is unbeatable! And even if he wasn't…You would be the literal last option. I doubt you would even suffice as cannon fodder." Illya says with a squinty eyed smirk, making Kazuma clench a fist.

"No servant is unbeatable missy! Most heroes have a tragic ending!" Cu says.

"True…but I doubt any are as tragic as your circumstances right now, Hound. I'm not even sure you could harm Heracles even if you had a proper master~." Illya says, making Cu frown.

"I did not come here to be abused by an albino loli!" Kazuma shouts.

"I am not a loli! I'm 18!" Illya shouts back while standing with balled fists.

"Talk about stunted as Hell!" Kazuma shouts, making Illya gasp.

"How dare you! I am not-"

"If you were even half as intelligent as you make yourself out to be, maybe you would ask about why we approached you! Do you know about Caster being on top of a ley line with two servants of her own?; Or that the priest has something in the church that made Cu here have a bad feeling?" Kazuma says.

"I knew about Caster, but the priest is new info…"

"Maybe you'll learn more if you stop trying to compensate with your low stature by wearing risqué as hell underwear! I mean seriously! Do you have any idea how disappointing it was to find out you were wearing that?! I had to set it on fire to cleanse my soul!" Kazuma yells, making Illya pale as one of the maids glares at her master.

"What was she wearing?" The servant with squinted eyes asks, making Kazuma confused a moment before he grins.

"Y-you made your point…How about me and Berserker go to the church with you and your group to ascertain and kill this-"

"A thin piece of black material on strings…it can barely be called-"

"You bastard…! Berserker, go and-"

"Illyasviel Von Einzbern! Were you raiding my underwear drawer again!? How did you get past the lock?! It should be magic proof!" The maid asks, making Illya flinch.

"She couldn't, it was one of mine…and one of my favorites too." The other maid says in a slight monotone.

"I'll gladly replace it for you." Kazuma says with a spark in his eye, making Leysritt blush.

"Oh my God…" Cu mutters with a hand at his head

"Leysritt, why did you allow that to happen?!" Sella asks with a hand at her head.

"I didn't, it was an order." Leysritt says.

"Please don't say anything else Leysritt…" Illya says as the other maid grips Illya's shoulder.

"…Sella?"

"30 page treatise on the 'Angel's Poem'. "

"But I already mastered it!" Illya whines.

"You want to make it 50?!"

"…Do I still get-"

"And no dessert." Sella says, making Illya groan with a tear in her eye.

Kazuma nearly collapses from laughter.

'Not at all how I expected this to go…' Cu thinks with a flat stare.

"Can I get dessert if I kill them?"

"Maybe, but that would include the others in the-Illya!" Sella shouts when Cu appears closer, grimacing with his spear trained on Illya.

Only for Leysritt to deflect his spear with the halberd.

"Out of the way!" Cu says, quickly pivoting to kick the maid away, only to have his leg grabbed by Leysritt, stopping and holding him in place.

Before pivoting herself, bringing Cu up over her shoulder and smashing him face first onto the ground, before repeating the maneuver a few more times to Cu's utter shock and pain, making Illya laugh as he is then thrown back across the garden, past Kazuma, and into a pillar.

"What…the Hell?" Cu and Kazuma both ask at the same time.

"Leysritt has strength comparable to a B rank servant." Sella states.

"Cu…"

"B-" Cu moans from the ground.

"The difference isn't that much is it?!"

"Behold, the power of the element of surprise. No one expects the maid to kick ass." Leysritt says in monotone pride.

"How are you still alive?!" Illya asks in between raucous laughter, tears forming at her eyes.

'Starting to wonder that myself…' Kazuma thinks before the ground shakes.

Looking up he sees Heracles approach, his gaze trained skyward.

"I'm surprised you are here young man." Medea says from the roof with Rider by her side.

"How did you get past the security measure?!" Illya and Sella ask at the same time.

"I practice magic from the age of the Gods. I barely noticed your so called 'defenses'~." Medea says, prompting Heracles to jump and raise his blade. Rider removes her mask and in an instant, Heracles turns to stone, falling backwards and crashing to the ground, shattering in multiple places.

"Wha- Medusa?!" Illya shouts in befuddlement as Rider puts her blindfold back on.

"Wait…the famous one?!" Kazuma asks.

"Indeed, and at nearly her full power too." Medea says.

"…I feel that I can get along with her."

"Why am I not surprised?" Cu mutters as he gets up from the ground.

 

[alextheconqueror]

Well, that's step one, now for the two to twelve

 

[Albedodragono]

Either Kazuma somehow pisses of gilgamesh later or he calls Eris for help and she is calling gils mother to scold him

 

[Davos]

Either Kazuma somehow pisses of gilgamesh later or he calls Eris for help and she is calling gils mother to scold him

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Got something in mind for that, but calling Gil's momma is hilarious and worth a scene on its own.

 

[alextheconqueror]

Got something in mind for that, but calling Gil's momma is hilarious and worth a scene on its own.

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Don't worry, any moment someone will start making omakes so we can laugh about it

 

[Forbix]

The next morning, Taiga and Sakura left for their respective homes to handle matters, leaving the trio of master and servants to discuss their options.

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Wow, I was looking for copper, but in the end I found gold! ☆(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*
The plot moves too fast for my liking.
Or am I just used to the slow pace of the plot? ʅʕ•ᴥ•ʔʃ
And so, absolute cinema (•ᴗ•)b

 

[Davos]

Berserker's fractured body is drawn onto itself, forming one piece again and he roars upon his revival.

"Not even that stops him…" Kazuma mutters as Heracles stands up, a chain looping around his neck as a barrage of blasts send him stepping back. As he swings his blade to deflect a new strong of blasts, Rider lands on his shoulder and stabs him in the neck tearing his windpipe out in a single motion before jumping away, leaving the giant to slump onto his knees.

Illya pales when she looks up before Leysritt and Sella take her out of the expected blast radius. When Berserker revives, he is met with an intense singular blast, evaporating his head.

As his head regenerates, Medea lands next to Kazuma, keeping an eye on Cu.

"How many times has your group killed Heracles?"

"One…"

"Each, so three times?"

"No, we only killed him once between the three of us."

"…Was the Gae Bolg unable to kill him?" Medea asks with a scowl, making Cu grimace.

Then an arrow hits Berserker, barely nudging him back as he stands once more.

"Since my true name is known, shall I use my N-"

Medusa is interrupted by another salvo in the floor above, making Heracles stagger back another step.

In the floor above, Archer holds his bow while looking at Shirou in shock.

Shirou is holding a rocket launcher.

"I figured there was no such thing as overkill when it comes to servants." Shirou says before dropping the spent weapon, and Archer still remains quiet.

'What the Hell is wrong with this time line?' Archer thinks as Saber kicks open a door and enters the room.

Medea looks at Saber and nearly falls backwards.

"Are you ok master?" Medusa asks.

"More than ok…she's beautiful~." Medea asks, already estimating her size for a dress.

"I…see…" Rider says.

Cu remains silent.

Kazuma grins.

"If we survive this, I'll introduce you to her…she likes being called Elizabeth~." Kazuma says, making Cu look at him.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful lady…" Medea says, making Cu and Rider stare at them flatly. A purple shadow appears overhead, going straight for Saber with precise, pained steps.

Saber locks blades with him, horror hitting her once again as she looks upon the mouthed and screaming Kojiro, his hair a mess, his skin flayed off every observable part of his body, his teeth sharpened into fangs, the attempt utterly inept given the cuts on the inside of his mouth.

"Lancelot…? How are you- Oh God it's happening again…" She says, deflecting Kojiro's mad blows in a haste.

"Kill….me…"

"By my command seal, stop fighting Saber and use your Noble Phantasm on Berserker!" Medea shouts, making Kojiro shudder before turning to the revived Heracles, striking at the giant, making him bleed but not die.

Shirou throws a bag from the suit case, a string pulling the pins on three dozen grenades, the majority landing near Berserker and Assassin, but some near Medea and Rin.

"You mad man!" Archer says as he heads down and uses Rho Aias in front of Rin; Medea brings up a shield around herself, Medusa, and Kazuma. She purposefully leaves Cu outside of it.

Kazuma sees the grenades and takes off his jacket, covering his head much to the other's surprise.

Saber jumps and glares at Shirou

"What in the Hell do you think you are doing?! Rin and the bastard are still down-"

A deafening bang and blinding light fills the floor below them, making Berserker shout in pain along with most everyone down there. Rho Aias and Medea's shielding did not stop the light and noise, affecting them too.

"Where in the world did you get- Wait…you're his son of course you would-"

"By my command seal, use your Noble Phantasm Saber." Shirou orders, and Saber raises her blade above her head with a twitchy movement, trying to resist the order, one thought in her head as she stares at crowd below.

'It's happening again…!'

"Ex-"

"By My command seal, use your noble phantasm on Saber!" Kazuma says, and Cu, despite being blinded and deaf, uses Gae Bolg and hits Saber, making her cough blood and falter a moment, long enough for Archer to get Rin out of the blast zone and for Kazuma and Cu to take a still blinded and deaf Medea and Medusa.

"-Calibur!" Saber says, her Noble Phantasm squarely hitting Kojiro and Heracles, killing them both in the light before falling to her knee. A minute later, Saber rises weakly to her feet using her sword as an aide, and Archer jumps onto the floor near them, both staring at Shirou with squinted eyes.

"What? It's a war and you were all lined up perfectly. And it was still a chance to take an additional life from Heracles." Shirou says matter of fact,

"You are just like your damned father…!"

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Take it however you wish. You will not be leaving here alive young man." Medea says.

"Should you really be focusing on me when Berserker is here?"

"We have a moment before he revives…enough time to kill you and cover our rear should you try to launch another attack with your last seal."

"You don't have to worry about that." Shirou says before raising his hand.

"I order you to kill yourself Saber."

"What?!" Saber and Medea say at the same before Saber turn her blade onto herself.

"NO!" Archer yells, raising a hand towards Saber as she stabs herself and falls to the ground.

"I'm going to skin you alive!" He shouts at Shirou while grinding his teeth, summon his short swords and throwing them at Shirou with everything he has, ready to close the distance and-

Shirou mutters a word and vanishes, letting the twin blades bounce harmlessly off the wall.

Medea takes out her dagger and stabs Saber.

"What the Hell Caster?!"

"I'm trying to save her! By my command seal, heal your wounds Saber!" Caster says and the blood flow does slow somewhat until Saber coughs, quickening the pace again.

"…The wounds must be too severe…And I had the perfect plan for Elizabeth too!" Medea says, making Saber groan in annoyance as Cu and Kazuma appear along with Rin.

"It's happening again…but this time I'm Diarmuid…!" Saber says with vacant eyes, making Cu look at her in sheer befuddlement.

Kazuma walks closer and extends a hand.

"Heal." He casts and Saber's wounds begin to close, but Saber remains unable to get up.

"Might be best to leave…negotiations are a bust and I doubt we have much more to throw at-" Kazuma starts to say before the last remaining set of doors undamaged from the fighting open, and a golden haired man enters with smugly grinning and scarred Shinji.

"How are you alive?!" Medusa shouts.

 

[Michael7050]

That ain't Shirou.

Who is it though?

 

[Davos]

That ain't Shirou.

Who is it though?

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It is...But I suspect an explanation is due in the next chapter or two.

 

[alextheconqueror]

I'm not even surprised Shinji is alive, that guy is like a cockroach

 

[alextheconqueror]

That ain't Shirou.

Who is it though?

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Let's be real here, this Shirou wouldn't be fond enough of Saber to actually care if she survives and with everything is happening he could have gone with a more Kiritsugu mentality

 

[death734]

Thanks for the chapter, wordsmith.

 

[Bishop 7053]

Medea is best girl and I'm in full support of post mordem ntr of the teacher. Also God damn this shirou went full Magus Killer.

 

[alextheconqueror]

Medea is best girl and I'm in full support of post mordem ntr of the teacher. Also God damn this shirou went full Magus Killer.

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Kazuma is scum be he has limits, well more limits than the average akun user at least

 

[Davos]

Kazuma is scum be he has limits, well more limits than the average akun user at least

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What is akun?

 

[Winged One]

What is akun?

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A miserable pile of weebery!