Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Killdread]

The teeth marks were identical, did they forget it ended up a threesome?

 

[alextheconqueror]

Someone pass me the phone, because I fucking called it!!

 

[Davos]

Kazuma and Rin manage to maintain eye contact upon waking the next morning.

For all of 5 seconds before blushing profusely at recalling all the painful and perverted things they said and done.

But a record is still a record.

Though being unable to look at Rin makes untying her difficult, both in undoing the knots and not wanting to continue.

Kazuma's self control makes Rin pout.

'I didn't let you tie me up twice more for nothing…!'

After getting dressed and still peeking at the other, they head into the kitchen to begin the day with breakfast and continue with arson and their very possible deaths before stopping at the sight on the wall.

The clock says noon, a full 2 hours after the planned duel time.

They pale before glancing at their hands, seals still intact.

"I guess that means they didn't fight without us at least…though they are probably worried about where we are. I'll call my place." Rin says, dialing the phone and grimacing when it goes to voicemail.

"Guess Lancer is still busy with Sella…and those two." She mutters before hanging up.

"They might be at the temple so-" She stops when she sees Kazuma standing still at the window.

'Oh no…' Rin thinks before going to the window, paling at seeing the servants and the homunculi there.

Some are scowling like Saber and Archer.

Some are noncommittal like Medea and Rider.

Others are grinning like Cu and Leysritt.

"…Least it isn't Gilgamesh and Shirou." Kazuma says as Rin covers her face.

===

"Where in the world are those mongrels? Making a king such as I wait…I will have them executed!" Gilgamesh says while tapping a finger, standing in the half ruins of the Einzbern castle.

"I doubt they would use everyone to attack the church…wonder if they are using the tactic Musashi used against Kojiro?" Shirou says, equally annoyed until his phone rings. He answers it and groans a moment later.

"Are they holding Kirei hostage?"

"Worse, they rescheduled for tomorrow."

"They WHAT?"

===

"This place is a fire hazard…" Archer says while cooking in the kitchen and glancing at the papers, cardboard, and Artoria made logs everywhere.

"That is the plan." Kazuma says while handling his dish, making Archer stop.

"You're going to set this place on fire?!"

"Yeah." Kazuma and Rin say at the same time.

'I hate most everything about this timeline…' Archer thinks while continuing to cook.

"So…the fight to the death is tomorrow?" Illya asks.

"Yes. I got a letter back with choice words about breaking my word will send me to Hell." Kazuma says as he finishes cooking his part o the dinner meal.

"That sounds like Kirei…did he do a long meandering paragraph of 'Jesus is watching'?" Rin asks.

"He did…it seemed out of pocket until I recalled he was a priest."

"You met him a church." Cu says as the meal is set.

"Guess I forgot with all the blood and him punching a hole in the…wall…" Kazuma says when he looks at his portion of food from Archer.

It is small and slightly burnt.

Rin's is as well.

Saber and Rider have a larger portion cooked to perfection.

"…Your favoritism is showing." Medea says as Saber starts devouring her meal, smiling at the full meal.

"You could be more subtle." Rin says.

"Bite me." Archer says, making Illya giggle.

"…I don't think I can even finish all-" Saber scoops out a chunk of Rider's rice, making Archer sigh.

"It's not good to be a glutton Saber." Archer says.

"Bite me." She says, while looking at Rin and Kazuma. Kazuma glares as Rin extend her hands towards Saber. Kazuma tries to push Rin's hand down.

"If you ruin another meal of mine, nothing will stop me from-!"

A bag of clothes is placed silently next to Saber from Medea.

Saber sits back down with a cold scowl before resuming her meal.

"Thanks Med!"

"No problem Kaz."

'…I feel there should be more concern about him being friends with a heroic spirit who is infamous for being a child killing witch…' Illya thinks before looking over the lively table, liking the liveliness compared to the usual dinners in the now ruined castle.

===

"Unbelievable, unforgivable…! Those cowards dare call themselves heroes?!" Gilgamesh says while stomping through town.

"…I'm sure they are doing this to vex you into making a mistake…also you're scaring the children." Shirou says as another mother pulls her son away from them, telling him not to point at the foreigner.

"I do not care…I was going to simply kill most of them quickly, but now they face a slow, agonizing death!" Gilgamesh mutters.

"…Is this because we missed the Kamen Rider and Power Ranger movie?"

"It certainly did not help!" He says as they enter the church to find a crestfallen Kirei.

"…What happened to you?"

Kirei merely hands a letter over, allowing Gilgamesh and Shirou to read it over.

"…I don't see the issue. Did you expect him to change his ways from a lecture through a l-" Shirou stops when he sees the final sentence.

"Your ward calls me daddy too~."

"That scumbag, I was going to corrupt your ward!" Gilgamesh says with a clenched fist, making Kirei groan in despair.

"…Didn't you already do that with the phone sex?" Shirou asks, making Kirei groan louder.

"So he should enjoy the fruits of my labors?" Gilgamesh asks, making Kirei stand up.

"I'm getting rid of the cable."

"Kirei, don't you dare deny me my stories! Especially not after today!"

"Pardon me, King of Heroes, but I need to make someone suffer after the revelations this week!"

"Then toss Shirou around in the courtyard!"

"He needs to rest for tomorrow!"

'…Still better allies then those three.' Shirou thinks with a flat face as Kirei rubs his temple.

"Sorry…I think I will retire early…Hopefully there is someone suffering more than I this day." Kirei says before going to bed.

===

Saber covers her ears with the pillow, trying in vain to drown out the repeated smacking sounds from three rooms. Just when she thought they finally relented, they resumed.

One even got louder, as if another participant joined.

'Is this what drove Rin mad?! And Medea just floated away like a traitorous- AGH! I can't take this lurid version of Chinese water torture anymore!' Saber thinks before standing and walking towards the shed, fingers in ears when she hears something more disturbing then the fleshy debauchery.

"You really are a bad nun~."

"Indeed I am father…or should I say daddy~?"

Saber nearly vomits on the spot before going outside. There she meets Illya.

"…Couldn't sleep either?"

"Nope…especially when it got through the ear plugs…Even after they were enhanced with magic." Illya says with vacant eyes.

After a scream rings out they silently take a walk through the neighborhood.

After a point Saber notices Illya looking at her.

"…I can't shake the feeling that I've seen you before."

"I…was in the prior Grail war as Kiritsugu Emiya's servant." Saber says, making Illya stop.

"You were my dad's servant?"

"You're…dad? Wait…You're Irisviel 's daughter?" Saber asks with wide eyes.

After the initial shock and question about Illya's size, they got to talking through much of the night.

They even found that café with the giant muffins and shared one.

 

[alextheconqueror]

I wonder how Shirou would react when he learns Kazuma is a hero with the task to save another world, Kirei tried to kill kiritsugu and Saber was Kiritsugu's sevrant, and let's not forget Gilgamesh plan for humanity

 

[Davos]

Leysritt knocks on the doors to the rooms, smiling with her head piece off, and humming an out of beat tune. Saber opens her door and looks at the smiling maid walk away with a pit in her stomach.

"…She never goes around like that." Illya says while looking at Leysritt.

"…Where's Sella?" Saber asks despite suspecting the answer.

Archer and Rider leave another room with a slow step and a yawn, locking eyes with Saber and Illya.

Emiya rubs the back of his head as Medea covers her face before vanishing.

"Perhaps we should reschedule again?" Medea asks, appearing in the hall.

"I don't think that would be wise given Gilgamesh's temperament."

"I doubt going there exhausted will be any- AH!"

Medea doubles over, looking up at a glaring Saber.

"Why the sucker punch?!"

"You left me alone with that torture last night!"

"It's not my fault you can't go into spirit form!"

"You could have helped!"

Rin and Kazuma look at the other, half sure the other is having the same thought of ignoring them and continuing despite, or because of, the yelling in the hall.

They decide instead to get dressed, Kazuma in his usual track suit, Rin in her usual outfit save for a longer skirt, both of them sneaking a look at the other before heading into the hall when a collective gasp rings out.

Heading over they see everyone looking into a room.

Inside said room, Lancer and Sella are sprawled on the bed, not moving.

"Oh My God, Lancer's been killed!" Kazuma shouts.

"So was Sella! But how?! They never-" Illya stops, her red cheeks growing redder between her fingers as the realization hits.

"...She did that?" Illya says aloud.

"Who did?" Kazuma asks with a warble as Leysritt comes back around the corner with a tray of food, coffee, and a funnel for forcibly making someone drink said coffee before heading into the room, eliciting a groan of dismay from Cu and Sella.

"…She truly does possess the strength of a B rank servant…" Rin says with vacant eyes as they all leave. They start walking quicker when a creaking bed is heard. Rin looks over at Saber who is staring at her.

"What?"

"I am simply shocked you are going out in public with the cornette." Saber says, making Rin gasp and paw at her head, finding nothing but hair.

Rin glares at a smugly smiling Saber.

Archer and Rider lag behind.

"Medusa…"

"…Yes Archer?" Rider asks.

"Thank you for not using your full strength on me." He says making the tall woman cover her face.

"Please don't thank me for that…and it's not like I could from those positions…"

"Still, thank you for the consideration."

"That is not consideration worth thanking me f-"

Warbling groans of despair and exhaustion from inside the room interrupts them.

"…You're welcome…Magical Baby Boy 2004~." Rider says with the biggest grin as Archer stammers for a reply.

They hurry back to the dining room and kitchen, enjoying a good meal, trying not to linger on their opponent's machinations.

===

"Father Kotomine, why is there such hateful metal music coming from the basement?" A follower asks when the chorus of an exceptionally violent sounding song plays.

"I've…given refuge to someone recently. They have had an issue with their anger lately." Kirei says.

"Guy's got good taste!" One teenager says before getting his ear pulled. He still does the horn of the beast's gesture despite the pain and scornful look of his parents.

"Mommy, should we really listen to this man talk about forgiveness when he houses a person who plays songs like this?"

"We talked about this dear! Stop pointing out the obvious flaws in other people!"

'If you were an orphan you'd be his lunch!' Kirei thinks behind a smile that grows stiffer when the volume increases.

His flock looks at each other, their silent concern palpable.

Kirei stealthily texts a message to Shirou.

"Kirei asks you to lower the volume or play something more fitting for church!" Shirou shouts with fingers in his ears.

"What?" Gilgamesh shouts, not quite hearing him; Shirou hands him the phone, grimacing at the impact from max level death rock on his unprotected ear.

"Tell Gil to turn down the music or put something more suited to church since it is leaking through the floorboards! My flock is growing uneasy!"

Gilgamesh scowls at the message before grinning as he goes to tinker with the music.

Kirei smiles genuinely at the music stopping.

His flock also relaxes.

Then the first few haunting notes of Toccata and Fugue play along with Gilgamesh's mad and joyous laughter.

''Original Hero' my ass, you are the 'Original Jackass'!' Kirei thinks with an eye twitch.


===

"It's an hour before the agreed on time. Why are we here?" Rider asks as they near the castle.

"Because after yesterday, they'll never see it coming and we need every advantage we can get." Kazuma says as they enter, all of them stopping when they see Shirou sitting in an ornate chair in the middle of the tarnished dining room.

"How completely expected of you; Did you really think Musashi's strategy would work after yesterday?" Shirou says while swirling a glass of wine.

"…Could have had seconds…" Saber mutters while looking at Kazuma.

"Not the time…!" Kazuma mutters back while looking around for the threat.

"Why so nervous, mongrel?" Shirou asks.

"…The Hell did you say?" Archer asks, fists balled with audible cracking.

"Is your hearing as defective as your ability to keep time?"

Archer responds by bringing out his short swords. Medusa grips his shoulder.

"Archer, calm-

"Did that strike a nerve…You Faker?"

"…What the Hell?" Archer says with an open mouth as Shirou stands up, suitcase in his other hand as he takes a sip.

"Where is-"

"Did I give you permission to address me, mongrel?" Shirou says, interrupting Rin.

"O-Oh…" She blushes, drawing troubled and annoyed looks from everyone on her side, notably Kazuma.

'Are you kidding me!?' Kazuma thinks.

Rin glances away.

'Excellent delivery young man! You have successfully strained them with only a few words.' Gilgamesh says in telepathy at Shirou, who tries to keep from grinning to maintain the look.

The only one not looking at Rin's primal reaction is Illya who is looking at Shirou, dressed in a well tailored black suit, the familiarity bringing up a memory from years ago when she was on Kiritsugu's shoulders.

"Daddy?" Illya says, drawing shocked looks all around and making Shirou drop the wine glass with wide eyes and a groan.

"Mistress?!" Sella shouts.

"She doesn't have bad taste…though a little young for me~." Leysritt says while looking at Sella and Cu, making them both shudder and pale.

"And you ragged on me how many times this week?" Rin asks.

"N-not your kind of daddy!" Illya says, now realizing the implication of her words.

'Abort, abort, I repeat, abort the plan Gilgamesh! I seduced the worst possible wrong person here!' Shirou thinks in telepathy, only getting an ecstatic telepathic laugh that becomes an audible uproarious laugh from the second floor, snapping everyone from their shock as he jumps over the railing and lands next to Shirou, now standing with regal bearing.

"I suppose it is about time we commenced with your slaughter…Don't you agree, Priest?" Gilgamesh asks and a dozen blades fly out from another floor, causing Kazuma, Rin, and Illya barely evade them.

The servants either smoothly dodge them or deflect them outright.

Leysritt grabs Sella and jumps up to the floor where the daggers were thrown, confronting the smiling priest who has more knifes in hand already. Sella stops Leysritt from charging in, a chill from Kirei's smile making her wary even as the sound of steel is heard below.

"…Why are you smiling?"

"Pardon me, I just found it amusing I get to kill another homunculus after this many years…I believe it was 10 years now since that night~." Kirei says, his words shocking and angering the maids.

Cu resists the urge to go up to the upper floor, now concerned with the myriad of weapons appearing behind Gilgamesh.

"Now…dance for me!" Gilgamesh says, and with a wave of a hand, unleashes a barrage of Noble Phantasms.

As the servants dodge and deflect the onslaught, marginally easier with Gilgamesh divided between them all, they start the plan.

"I am the bone of my sword…" Archer says while deflecting a spear for his head

"That….that chant!" Shirou mutters in shock.

"Steel is my Body and fire is my Blood."

'Not yet…Need to wait another moment!'

"I have created over a thousand blades=" Saber cuts a sword going for Archer's side before jumping away, drawing Gilgamesh's eye for a very needed moment.

"Unknown to death, nor known to life." Cu Chulainn kicks him out of the way from a barrage of cursed daggers. It was an agreed upon measure before hand, but it still annoys Archer to relive that moment.

"Have…withstood pain…To create many weapons…" He groans out.

"What in the world are you saying in the middle of your execu-Hm!?" Gilgamesh takes a step back as a chained dagger nearly hits him, fully drawing his ire on a smiling Rider.

"Yet these hands will never hold anything."

Medea fires a salvo at Gilgamesh, making him use Rho Aias before sending out chains to tie up Caster.

Rin throws a bag of gems at Gilgamesh. Even though she missed, it draws Gilgamesh's gaze upon her, making him stop.

"You! How in the world are you here?!" He shouts.

'How much longer Archer?! Wait…'

"Why are you so shocked I'm here? I'm a master!"

"Wait…You're the ward?!"

"So as I pray…"

'Now!' Kazuma thinks, raising his hand the same time as gears and swords overtake the castle.

"Unlimited Blade Works!"

"Steal!"

Archer fires a salvo the same time as the blinding light appears.

Each and every blade is matched and destroyed by Gilgamesh.

"Did you really think a little light would have saved you?" Gilgamesh asks, puzzled at their smiles.

The only one not smiling is Kazuma.

In his hands is a lacy pair of purple panties.

'What the Hell…It should have been that guy's ultimate sword! I even had Rin go commando to make this work so why…?'

"He…Hahaha!" Shirou laughs out loud before bringing out the suitcase and letting it fall open, showing rows of dozens of neatly folded panties.

"You face the entirety of Sakura's underwear drawer, the pinnacle of anti theft defense!"

 

[alextheconqueror]

Scumrou found a way to deal with Scumzuma tactics lol

And for the look of it Shirou will start to learn some unfortunate truths about his enemies and allies, just waiting till he process that Archer is him from another future and Illya is his sister, his reaction will be hilarious

 

[Enso]

The suitcase bit is amazing

 

[Davos]

"What?!" Archer shouts the same time as Kazuma and Rin.

Rider readies her dagger, a new target in mind.

Medea chokes against the tightening divine chains.

Cu Chulainn continues dodging weapons.

Gilgamesh pulls out EA at a languid pace.

"That was most amusing, but now it is time you all-"

Saber takes a running slash at Kazuma, making him scream.

"…What?" Gilgamesh and Shirou ask at the same time at seeing Saber try to murder Kazuma.

"Why?!"

"Your plan failed; If we are about to die, I will die with the pleasure of you fading on my blade!" Saber shouts.

"Isn't he your ally?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Not by choice!" Saber yells while trying to hit Kazuma, his auto evade barely dodging Saber's frenzied strikes.

"Isn't this against your philosophy? Chivalry and all that?"

"If you want to see the full extent of my chivalry, then continue choking Caster so she does not stop me."

"Did you forget about me?!" Cu says, standing between Saber and Kazuma, before starting a fight in earnest.

"I am in no mood for the squabble of lesser-." Gilgamesh is cut off when he sees Saber violently slam a metal boot into the Child of Light's crotch, eliciting cries of horror from the maids a floor above, and unwanted sympathetic grimaces from all the men present.

Even Kirei frowns while still holding back Leysritt's spear as the Hound falls to his knees

Gilgamesh however finds himself staring at Artoria, stunned, intrigued, and another feeling he has not felt as often.

"Saber, I want to kill Kazuma too but- Ah!" Archer narrowly avoids a spear.

"Let the King of Knights do as she pleases!" Gilgamesh proclaims, making Shirou look at him flatly.

The flatness flattens further when he brings out a bag of popcorn.

"Steal!" Kazuma says in desperation, but instead of purple panties, he gets white.

Saber starts charging up her Noble Phantasm.

"…Seriously Kazuma?" Rin asks.

"It's random!"

"I can't believe he stole her underwear again…" Shirou says while eating some popcorn.

"He stole that before?" Gilgamesh asks while nonchalantly deflecting Archer's barrage.

"EX-"

"AHHH!" Rin and Kazuma scream while hugging each other.

"CALIBUR!"

The beam of light goes directly for the pair of them.

When it fades, they are gone, and Saber smiles, taking a deep breath before turning the blade on herself.

"Saber no!" Gilgamesh shouts.

She ignores him and is about to plunge the blade when she hears an insufferable pair of laughing. She looks up and sees Cu Chulainn holding both masters in each arm, one panting hard, the other spinning her underwear with smart aleck grin.

Cu has a light rune cooked potato in his mouth that disappears a second later.

"I have finally eaten a potato! Your doom is guaranteed Goldy!"

Gilgamesh looks at Shirou for an explanation.

"Kazuma planted a potato garden that has a lot of mana."

"Oh, that was why you blew it up?" He asks before noticing Archer is within arm reach of them, his twin blades raised and ready to strike them down in a desperation.

"Archer…"

"Now you-" Archer is interupptted by Gilgamesh's boot connecting with his head in a crisp pivot.

"Kick!" Gilgamesh shouts, sending Archer flying.

A moment later the reality marble vanishes.

"I think that was your best one yet."

"It was. Who knew I had to stop thinking about posing to get the best effect?"

'Oh this is bad…' Kazuma and Rin think as Cu drops them off.

"You bastard!" Rider shouts and a moment later neighing is heard.

"What the- a Pegasus?!" Gilgamesh shouts as the beast and Rider converge on him. Gilgamesh tries to skewer but is stopped by another barrage by a grinning and half conscious Archer.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu Chulainn shouts, extra energy emanating from his spear as the shot goes towards them.

A moment later the Pegasus whines horribly before veering off course crashing to the ground. Rider kneels next to it, gasping and pushing against the gaping wound at its heart.

"Cinnamon?! No!" Rider shouts with unusual emotion, making Archer and Kazuma glare at Cu.

"This is better than television…Did you just kill your ally's mount and save us?" Gilgamesh asks with an open mouth while chaining up a crying Medusa.

"…When there are multiple possible targets it's sometimes randomized." Cu says as Archer approaches with clenched fists.

"Potato. Now."

Cu hands over a potato before getting slugged and falling to the ground.

"I'll remember that!" Leysritt shouts while trying o stab a weaving Kirei.

Archer turns around and swallows the potato in three bites.

Unlimited Blades Works appears once more.

Archer approaches Gilgamesh while holding Rin by the scruff of her neck.

"Archer?! What are you-"

"Don't make me look at her…" Gilgamesh says with closed eyes.

"Why not? This is Kirei's ward, Rin Tohsaka, the one you had so thoroughly corrupted over the years!"

"No…No! It can't be! She looks too much like her!" Gilgamesh shouts with open eyes, now fully looking at Rin.

"What, do I look like your ex?"

Gilgamesh gags at the question and summons a holy vomit cup from his treasury for use.

"This is no time for seasickness Gilgamesh!"

"…I'm truly cursed…"

"This is an even worse time for an existential crisis!"

Rin frowns despite the fortunate turn around.

Archer frowns when his latest salvo is deflected.

"I am the bone of my sword…" Shirou says.

'How dare you use Unlimited Blade Works against me!' Archer thinks with a scowl.

"Steel is my resolve, and fire is my judgment."

'Wait…what?'

"I have culled over a thousand mongrels."

'Oh that little-' Archer thinks with a scowl as more blades are countered in mid flight.

"Unknown to death, nor known to life~." Shirou says with the slightest of grins.

"You son of a-"

"Steal!" Illya shouts, and after the light fades, she is holding Shirou's dress jacket and shirt, leaving him half naked.

"O-o-oh!" Rin says, drooling while still dangling in Archer's grip. Archer covers his head while Kazuma glares. Illya is scarlet and trying to explain she is not a pervert.

"…Withstood pain…to create order…" Shirou says with red cheeks while avoiding eye contact.

"This has to be one of the worst timelines…"

"And these hands will hold everything!"

"Steal! Steal! Steal!" Kazuma shouts repeatedly, taking many pairs of purple panties, including another white pair and a saucy red pair, eliciting groans of anger from Medea and Medusa.

"Sorry!"

"So as I fight…Unlimited Babylon Works!"

'How dare you not use Unlimited Blade Works against me!' Archer thinks in growing rage as half the reality marble changes from wasteland with clockwork gears and swords to an oasis with swords and guns.

"You face unlimited arms, the ultimate armory!"

"I never thought I could be angrier with you before this week…but my fury can no longer be contained!" Archer shouts before tossing a smiling Rin aside and beginning an earnest clash with Shirou.

Kazuma catches Rin and begins trying to think.

'I've gotten out of bad situations before…what can I do!? Wait…what would I do if my party was here? No, that's a stupid question…Megumin would cast Explosion, Darkness would directly into an attack and Aqua would cry while casting- THAT'S IT!' Kazuma thinks before reaching with his hand.

"…How many of my sister's panties do you want?"

"Sacred Steal!" He says and an even greater light fills the room, blinding everyone present.

This time, in his hands, aren't panties…

But an urn.

"What the Hell?"

"How the Hell did you get that?!" Shirou and Shirou shout at the same time.

"What is it?" Kazuma asks.

"My adopted father's ashes!"

"Oh…this is worthless!" Kazuma says before chucking it as hard as he can.

The sheer shock from such an act breaks both reality marbles.

"The sacrilege!" Kirei shouts.

"That is just wrong…" Gilgamesh says, finally recovering.

"You really are a-" Rin stops when she sees Kazuma pale and focusing on something in the distance. Looking in that direction Rin sees her too and stammers.

On the third floor, now covered in ashes with the urn resting atop her purple hair is Sakura, looking first at a half naked Shirou holding a half empty suit case of her underwear, then at Kazuma surrounded by the other half of her underwear with Rin next to him.

"…You really are worse than Shinji." She says as her eyes go red and her hair starts turning white.

"Oh no…" Archer mutters.

 

[alextheconqueror]

For one part I'm surprised she even said something bad about Shinji seeing how she was fine with everything he did to her(Wich is still fucked up but semantics) and for the other, HOW IS HE WORSE!?

Also if she only knew that it was Shirou idea to get her underwear to use it against Kazuma.

And last but not least Archer frustration against Shirou is peak but now they have to deal with Dark Sakura and oh boy, at least they didn't activated an Apocrypha by accident wich I'm surprised didn't happened