Cu-nosuba: God’s Blessing on This Lancer’s Holy Grail War!

[Davos]

Cu Chulainn finds himself stunned as his master's blood drips from the priest's hands. Then he raises his spear.

"Come now, Child of Light, surely you realize striking me down now is impossible? We are on hallowed ground~." Kotomine Kirei says with lightless eyes despite his grin.

"You believe I would just serve you after this? Then you got a nasty surprise coming, priest." Cu Chulainn says with a scowl.

"You're participation in my plans is not critical, but you could be a serviceable scout."

"Scout?! I am a warrior, not a messenger bird!"

"Then allow me to show you the power of a command seal. I-"

The door to the church opens, stopping them.

"Hey, sorry for the intrusion, but I'm new to the city and a little short on money, would it be ok if I sleep on one of these benches for-" The brown haired young man in a green tracksuit stops when he sees the blood spattered priest holding an arm, lean man in blue with a red spear pointed at said priest, and a suited woman with one arm on the ground.

"…A shame you could not have arrived a few minutes later young man; there is plenty of room for you in the basement for you."

"And I thought the grinning loli wandering at night was disturbing…Talk about a crappy start to a vacation…" He says with slumped shoulders.



===A few hours earlier===

"You…want a vacation?" Eris, the white haired Goddess in charge of the after life asks.

"No, I need a vacation." Kazuma says while looking at the floor.

"C-come now Kazuma, this death wasn't that bad!" Eris says.

"It was beyond pitiful!" Kazuma shouts, the tears at his eyes threatening to overflow.

They flow freely when Eris remains silent, unable to refuse his claim.

"I-It's not like you can just leave that world. Your body-"

"About that, I have an idea."

"Huh?" Eris blinks.

"Can't you put my body on autopilot or something? Or maybe another soul can temporarily inhabit my body during this vacation?"

"That…that really shouldn't be done…" Eris says while glancing away.

'He…doesn't know about my alter ego does he?'

"Please?"

"E-even if that is possible, I don't think any set of automated functions can contend with your party!"

"And I can't right now! I'm not asking for long, not even a month! Just two weeks of peace and a reminder of home! Even 10 days!" Kazuma pleads on the ground now, making Eris scratch her cheek.

'…This death was about as traumatic as his first…and it's only two weeks…' Eris thinks with a sigh.

"Very well…there is actually a nice little port city I frequent that could do you some good. But don't expect this reprieve each time, and there is a little thing you can do for me while there."

"I won't, thank you Eris!"

===

'Can't complain she was a little low on the starting money…more then when I started in Axel. Plus I still have my abilities so I won't be in as much risk here in Fuyuki.' Kazuma thinks as he buys himself a bag of groceries for dinner and begins hunting down a spot to stay.

Only to find none.

'Smallish town I guess…Not much need for hotels.' Kazuma thinks with a frown before seeing a young girl with white hair and red eyes approach him with a puzzled face. Then she smiles.

"You shouldn't wander at night mister…you may die~." She says while passing him, and vanishing when Kazuma looks for her.

"…Great, another weird loli with red eyes…Least magic isn't a thing here." Kazuma mutters with a sigh before continuing on.

When he turns the corner he sees a stern looking middle aged man and a robed woman with bits of blue or light purple hair poking out from her hood on the ground, looking at each other as they speak.

Kazuma turns around.

'Maybe it's cosplay season?' He thinks before wandering more through the city. Eventually he finds himself in a busy section of the city. After some more wandering he approaches a red haired young man.

"Pardon me, can you tell me where there are any hotels I can stay for the night?"

"Not too many of those I'm afraid…There are some over that way but they are pricy. I think there are some cheaper options that way, but I don't know exactly where. I think the church offers sanctuary too. I'd help more but my break is about over."

"No worries, thanks a lot!"

Kazuma settles on bumming a night at the church.

'Least the Church's in Japan aren't as bad as the ones in Arcanletia!' He thinks before opening the door and asking to stay before seeing the murdering priest and about to be murderous spearman.

"…If I pretend to have amnesia about this can I leave?" Kazuma asks.

"I'm afraid that is not an option young man." Kirei says.

"Why not?"

"Long story short, mages like secrecy." Cu Chulainn says.

"Mages?"

"Yes…but there might be a way out of this for you. Repeat after me." Cu says, making Kirei look at him with a raised brow.

"You're spear makes my destiny, and my will creates your body-"

'Oh, must be a cosplay thing like with that couple. I'll just play along then talk to someone about staying the night.' Kazuma thinks before repeating everything Cu says, and feeling a burning sensation on his hand. Looking over he sees 3 strange red symbols.

"What the Hell?!"

"Bad move Lancer." A voice further in says, making Cu Chulainn shudder a moment before leaping towards Kazuma and carrying him with one hand out of the church.

"What the-?!" Kazuma sees he is dozens of feet above in the air. A minute later, he is on the ground in some woods and Cu is scratching the back of his neck as Kazuma looks around in stunned silence.

"…What was that chant about? This isn't a cosplay thing is it?"

"Afraid not lad, you're in a Holy Grail War now."

"A what?" Kazuma asks.

"Basically a… 7 way team death match? Huh, strange term…Anyway, it's between teams of Masters, that's you now, and Servants, figures from myth and history, like me, to-."

"I'm sorry but can you give me a minute?" Kazuma asks.

"Sure thing, and sorry for dragging you into this…this won't be a long situation I promise." Cu says as Kazuma goes to some nearby woods.

"ERIS!" He shouts with every fiber of his being, making Cu raise an eyebrow.

"I know it's not quite my place, but you should try to be quiet…and why are you shouting the name of a Greek Godd-"

"Hi Kazuma…"

"What the-?!"

"Do you call this a vacation? I'm in some kind of secret world team death match now! I didn't even get a hot girl as a teammate but some cool guy that seems like he would die off screen or after an awesome showing!"

"You are!? Oh no, I must have messed up the teleportation or timing, you were supposed to save that young woman without realizing…" Eris says.

"Wait, you were supposed to- wait, who is this mysterious voice? And why do I feel a massive tract of mana?" Cu Chulainn says while getting closer, now seeing the rip in the air.

"…You're not just some regular guy are you?"

"Greetings, Cu Chulainn, Ireland's Child of Light." Eris says, making Cu Chulainn straighten up.

"May I implore you to look after this young man during his stay in this city?"

"I was already planning on such a course after he saved me from being that priest's lapdog…though I cannot promise what happens after I kill that priest."

"You are not planning on attempting a wish from the Holy Grail?" Eris asks.

"A what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Not really. I just want to clash with great heroes, but more importantly, I want to kill that priest…I would have done so, but I'd rather an innocent not get killed by whoever was further in the church."

"What is this about a wish?"

"Oh, the Grail grants a wish for the victor of the war." Cu Chulainn says.

"Any wish?" Kazuma asks with a glint in his eyes.

"As far as I know."

"Then I'm in." Kazuma says.

"What? Not that I mind, but you sure you want to stay in this? You're likely to die."

"Wouldn't be the first time, and from what I gathered, I'll have a target on my back no matter what now…besides, that wish could be the answer to my own struggles." Kazuma says.

"…Not that I want to dampen your resolve since it aligns with mine, but you aren't suited to being a master; I can already feel myself straining to exist in this world due to your lack of mana."

"You use mana?"

"Yeah, it's what keeps servants around and fuels us, and our main way of getting that is from Master's own mana...there are other ways, but I'm not keen on them."

"…One moment." Kazuma says before taking out a reusable bottle.

"Create water." Kazuma casts the spell, making Cu somewhat wide eyed at seeing water appear out of thin air before being handed the drink. After a moment he takes a drink and finishes it with wide eyes.

"That…that was the most delicious water I ever had! How is it so full of mana?!"

"Something I picked up in my adventures in another world. I also have ample experience in working with a powerful blue person." Kazuma says with a gin and a thumbs up.

Cu Chulainn matches the gesture.

===

"We should probably get ourselves familiar with the area." Lancer says as they walk through a section of burnt out plain.

"I was wandering the last few hours through the city so I think I'm good there. But given the whole secret thing, we probably won't be doing much there right?"

"Yeah, we'd probably be fighting at night and in secluded areas like this. I should tell you what I can-" Cu stops when a blonde in a rain coat and a red haired young man emerge from another section of the plain.

"Careful Master." Lancer says while readying his weapon.

"Wait, I met that guy earlier." They both say back.

"Surprising…but right now he is a mage hell bent on killing you."

"…Why would a mage be working as a laborer?" Kazuma asks.

"Don't know, maybe his mage craft is expensive? Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to show you what I can do, and my ultimate technique!" Lancer says before charging the blonde in a rain coat who tosses the garment off and begins battle with Lancer, quickly answering his blows and pushing back, the clang of metal deafening.

'Strange…she looks like she is holding nothing at all…' Kazuma thinks while using his enhanced sight to study her movements. A moment later Lancer is being pushed back.

"…You're more formidable than I expected. Shame we didn't meet earlier. What class are you?"

"I'm obviously a Lancer Servant."

"Amusing…But no matter." Lancer says before taking a low stance, his crimson spear starting to glow as he lunges, well beyond any range for a thrust.

"Gae Bolg!" He shouts, and a moment later the blonde staggers to a knee despite seemingly deflecting the blow.

"Amazing! You wounded her gravely despite it being blocked!"

"No…This is not good Master…"

"How? She's bleeding and on one knee, oh she's up again."

"That…That attack reverses causality and guarantees my target gets stabbed in the heart. She should be dead, not wounded…" Lancer says.

"Then how is she still alive??"

"Luck does not favor you today Lancer!" The blonde says, now back on her feet.

"…Luck?"

"…It is possible for servants with high luck and quick reflexes to make my Gae Bolg non fatal…"

"You're telling me you have bad luck?"

"E rank unless I drink a lot of that water…"

"Oh my God, it's happening again…Next you'll tell me you're a drunkard…"

"That's just a rude stereotype of the Irish!"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that! I'm not a drunk!"

"I'm not paying your debts."

"Why would I ever-" Cu's question is cut off when the blonde attacks him, still as strong but more slowly now.

"Saber!" The red head says.

"Least we got her class…"

"But we know your servant is Cu Chulainn!" Saber says.

'Right…now that they now that they can study him for weaknesses while we don't know her name putting us in a disadvantage…'

"You say that like I cannot overpower you in your current-ugh…!" Lancer says before feeling himself grow more faint, now using his spear to keep himself up.

"Hm? I did not expect your Noble Phantasm to drain you so…Or is this a feint to lull me? But taking you out will be of a great help to us." Saber says, readying her invisible sword.

"W-wait, can't we just get them to surrender?" The red asks.

"No, mages do not simply yield Shirou." Saber says to her master as Kazuma approaches Cu Chulainn, handing him a bottle.

"I'll distract her a moment, so fuel up."

"…Thanks." Cu says before taking the much needed water.

"Hm? Why do you approach?"

"I wish to ask you something since you somewhat remind me of a companion of mine."

"…Speak then."

"Are you a hopeless pervert who enjoys feeling pain?" Kazuma asks, making Lancer choke on some water as Saber and Shirou look at him aghast.

Saber points her blade at him.

"…I may kill you for such an asinine and offensive question."

"That's not no."

"Are you so dense to think me so depraved?"

"Bad time to mention I don't think I can best her in my current state?" Lancer asks, feeling alive again.

"I don't mind a tactical retreat, but leaving without knowing her name will only come back to haunt us…" Kazuma says before extending a hand towards Saber.

"Magic from this world cannot harm me."

"Good thing this isn't magic from this world!"

"What?!" All three ask at the same time as his hand starts glowing bright, soon blinding everyone present.

"Steal!" He says, and a moment later, everyone looks confused when Saber still has her blade and armor.

Then she pales and glares at Kazuma.

Kazuma also frowns.

"Guess I can't complain about your luck Cu…"

"Why do you say-" Cu stops when Kazuma opens his fist, showing a pair of plain white panties.

"Oh my God…" Cu says, frowning fully at his master.

Saber's sword reveals itself as she raises it above her head, now glowing brightly.

"EX-"

 

[Davos]

"Oh my God!" Cu says before grabbing Kazuma.

"-CLAIBUR!" The blonde woman shouts with every fiber of her being, unleashing a wave of potent golden energy in Kazuma's direction.

Cu barely manages to hoist him away and evade the blow.

Saber coughs up some blood but still keeps an eye on them as they begin to retreat, but Cu stops.

"Luck does not favor you today Saber!" He says with smart ass grin until he notices Kazuma waving the pair of panties at her like a handkerchief.

"Really Master?"

"She tried to kill me; I have no qualms about annoying her, especially when she is too injured to continue."

"She might have battle continuation."

"She could, but possibility is not enough to stop me from certainly annoying her~." Kazuma says, continuing to wave merrily at a scowling Saber until Lancer jumps away.

Saber takes a deep breath and turns to Shirou.

"My apologies Master, Even if I knew there was no people or housing in that direction, I still let my anger get the better of me and-" Saber stops when she sees Shirou looking at the devastation her Noble Phantasm caused with an open mouth, wide eyes, and slight shudder.

"Master?"

"It's…It's exactly like back then…the great Fuyuki fire! D-did you…?"

"There…were circumstances and-W-wait Master I can explain!"

===

"What in the world was that Archer?" A young woman in a red top and black skirt asks a man in a red coat.

"That was likely a Noble Phantasm, and a powerful one at that. I would not be surprised if that was from the Saber servant of this war."

"Still, using a Noble Phantasm this early? And one as showy as that? Must be a complete rookie of a master…"

"The Holy Grail War does have a history of pulling non mages into this conflict." The red coat man says with a neutral face.

"That should make things easier for us…though it would help if I knew what you can do."

"Apologies Master. My memories are still hazy."

'But…Saber never used Excalibur this early before…what is going on?' Archer thinks with a closed eye before noticing Rin walking in a direction.

"Where are you going Master?"

"To track down one of the fighters, they must be weakened after that display…or are you unable to track them Archer?" She asks with a slight smile.

===

"Guess we know where 'Big brother' is tonight~." A white haired child says with a smile. The giant in spirit form beside her grunts in agreement before they head in that direction.

===

"Is that…the power of a servant?" A lean middle aged man asks at the gate of a temple.

"Indeed Master…I would not be surprised if that was from Saber or another Knight class…now do you see why I suggested my plan of gathering mana?" A robed woman asks as she finishes setting up a summoning circle.

"I do…I am no stranger to such tactics…but that sight was still astounding."

"Indeed…One moment master, I need silence for this next part." She says and her master nods. A few minutes later a man with long hair and an absurdly long sword appears.

"…Which one of you is my master?"

"I am, Assassin…or would you rather I call you Kojiro Sasaki?"

"It matters not, Witch of Colchis, as long as I can head out and meet a worthy foe in battle."

"Then you are not going to like my order…And I insist that you never call me that again."



===

"This grail war is looking to be quite interesting…wouldn't you agree, Kirei?" A blonde man says while swirling a cup of red liquid.

"Indeed…Though I cannot help but be wary of the Child of Light holding a grudge against me."

"Are you really worried about that mongrel? The one that ran away at the sound of my voice? Though I admit, I might not be in top form…" The blonde man says with a smirk.

"My apologies, King of Heroes. It is rather difficult to find orphans ten years after a disaster." Kirei says, drawing a chuckle from the blonde servant.

===

"What the Hell was that?!" A blue haired young man says.

"A servant…one much more powerful than I." A pink haired woman in a short black outfit says.

"I can see that!....We'll have to hurry that plan along…Think I need to see Sakura to calm down after that…~"

"…As you wish Master."

===

Some distance away, Cu lets Kazuma go and looks at him, studying him.

"Something on my face? Or are you going to reprimand me for earlier?"

"No, just realized something after thinking about that water you make."

"What is it?"

"Can you make food? Specifically potatoes?"

"Isn't that a stereotype of the Irish?" Kazuma asks, getting a small grin from Cu.

"It is if they aren't delicious. So can you?"

"Yes and no. I do have a garden back home with vegetables that are probably as rich in mana as the water, but they still take time to grow, at least a week for small ones to be edible." Kazuma says as Cu empties the bottle, looking notably heartier after the infusion of mana.

"Shame…If it's anything like the water, I would kill for a baked potato right now."

"Wow…the grail really did pull in non masters…" A young woman's voice says, making Cu and Kazuma turn to see the young woman in red and black and red coat wearing man with white hair and tanned skin.

"Another one so soon?!" Kazuma asks in shock.

"This servant is likely good at tracking...I'm sure he is hoping for an easy win thinking I am spent after that fight with Saber." Cu says, spear at the ready.

'So he did fight with Saber…but that shouldn't have been enough to make her use her- wait…who is this??' Archer thinks while looking at Kazuma in surprise.

"Where are you looking Red?!" Cu says, already closing the distance and stabbing away at Archer, quickly pushing him back.

The young woman watches some distance, growing more concerned as Archer is forced back, and staring wide eyed when his twin swords are flung away.

"You got this Lancer!" Kazuma says.

When Lancer goes to stab him, Archer already has his blades back, only for it to be tossed aside again.

And again.

And again for the fifth time.

"…What the Hell?" Cu asks and Archer merely grins back at him.

'He doesn't seem nearly as strong as Saber, but the fact he has unlimited blades at his disposal is an issue.' Kazuma thinks before the red man speaks.

"Are you troubled Setanta? Or should I call you Cu Chulainn?"

"What the Hell?" Kazuma mutters in shock as Rin looks on with a smile.

"…How do you know I am not another Lancer?" Cu asks, equally puzzled.

"You're skill is as revealing as a Noble Phantasm."

"Then I see no point in keeping it secret!" Cu says before jumping back and dropping low, a hand on the ground his spear glowing red. Archer grimaces and raises an arm as Cu attacks, hurling his spear with all the force his wound up body can muster into the throw.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Rho Aias!" Archer says, making seven petals appear. The young woman flinches, as wide eyed as Kazuma and Cu when the petals start shattering slowly from Cu's attack, stopping entirely at the fifth gate before returning to Cu. When the shield vanishes, Archer is only slightly damaged and fatigued from the attack, but the young woman goes to a knee with heavy breathing, a hand at her heart.

"…I'm starting to think you don't know what causality means Cu."

"Not the time Master! And in my defense, that shield is literally the worst thing for me to face! It is the ultimate defense against thrown weapons… But now we have his name…he is Ajax!" Cu says and Archer smiles.

"But…aren't those short swords Chinese?" Kazuma asks and Archer's smile fades.

"That…they were…"

"And his style of clothing is neither Chinese nor Greek…What is your name?" Kazuma shouts the question.

"I do not know, I have amnesia!" Archer answers back, smiling when he sees Cu start leaning on his lance.

'Crap…Cu is running on empty again. Got to make something up to distract them so he can recover!'

"So you're Japanese!" Kazuma shouts with unsupported bravado.

"W-what?" Archer asks, taking a step back from the question. Cu takes the chance to drink water.

"How in the world did you come to that conclusion??" The young woman asks.

"Because…" Kazuma starts before swallowing.

"He's obviously been isekai'd!"

"I've never been run over by a truck!" Archer shouts before blanching. His master looks at him with an open mouth.

"Aha! So you are Japanese, and judging from your skin tone, an ntr bastard too!" Kazuma says, making Cu raise an eyebrow as he finishes the water.

"How dare y- I mean I don't know what that means!"

"Oh my God, my servant is a womanizer…" The young woman says.

"I am not! Wait why do you know that term?" Archer asks.

"Why do you?! Have you been eyeballing me?!" The woman says while covering herself.

"No! Why would you- I am considerably older than you!"

"Age hasn't exactly stopped perversion, especially the Greeks who you have taken an interest in, Mr. 'Rho Aias'! And believe me when I say I know that for a fact! Do I need to use another command seal to keep you from perving on me?!"

"No! Don't use that so recklessly! If you feel uncomfortable wear a longer skirt so you aren't flashing people below when I carry you! Ahhh, I cannot believe I am having this conversation…" Archer says with a hand at his head as his master covers her face.

"…Do I even want to know what ntr means?" Cu asks.

"Basically cuckoldry."

"Do I need to know any finer points to taunt him with it?" Cu asks with a smirk.

"Probably not, though ugly bastard is a common term for it too." Kazuma says with a grin and Cu raises his spear.

"Prepare to die you ugly bastard!"

"I am definitely not ugly!"

'…Well, this is a new shade of Hell I'm walking into…' Archer thinks before more footsteps approach.

"Please, Shirou, it is unsafe to go wandering aimlessly at this hour!"

"Stay away from me! You caused that-" Shirou and Saber stop when they see the other four. Saber readies her blade.

"Great, Queen Arthur is here…" Kazuma says.

"King! I did not lead battles to become Queen of the Britons!"

"Rin, we should leave. Even with Lancer in this questionable state, I don't think I can defeat Saber."

"Agreed…getting two servant's true names is enough of a victory so we should-"

A tree falling over and crashing to the ground catches their attention.

By the tree is a white haired child standing next to mountain of muscle with a stone blade bigger than most men.

"Oh my, three servants in one place? This war will be so much shorter than I expected. Get them Berserker~."

 

[Davos]

Berserker lets out a roar and charges the nearest servant, Saber, nearly throwing her across the field. During the short wind up of another swing, Cu Chulainn steps in and slashes him, but not doing any noticeable damage. He does redirect the giant's swing and evades, allowing Saber to get a stab of her own in, which also proves ineffective.

Kazuma hides behind a tree as the ground shakes with each swing.

"Archer, where are you?!" The dark haired young woman shouts.

"What do you mean you can see us? Wait, what are you- No don't go into the middle of a servant fight!" She says, pulling back the red headed guy.

"But-"

"No buts! We might be in a Holy Grail War, but as long as he is around, I'm willing to call a truce. I assume that's ok with you too, coward?" She shouts the last part at Kazuma.

"I'm not a coward; I'm just staying out of the fight!"

A swoosh of wind draws their eye, and they see Saber has dealt the fatal blow to the giant.

"Huh…Not as bad as I-" Kazuma goes quiet when he sees the giant regenerate and stands back with a primal, animalistic scream.

The make shift alliance members look on in shock.

"That's…How did you summon a demi-God?!" Cu asks.

"W-who is it?" Kazuma asks.

"Heracles~." Says the white haired girl with a smirk.

"Not Hercules?"

"He's Greek, not Roman you troglodyte."

"Are there any other differences we should be aware about?"

"He has 12 lives, 1 for each labor, and becomes immune to whatever method killed him~."

"Oh that is complete and utter bullshit!" Kazuma says.

"I hate that I agree with him…" Says the dark haired girl.

"Likewise…" Says Saber before Heracles takes another swipe at her.

"Gae Bolg!" Lancer says, making another red stream appear through the air, aimed directly at Heracles' chest.

Only for it to bounce off harmlessly, not even slowing the giant as it sends Saber flying through the air.

'That is the third time!' Cu and Kazuma think at the same time.

"…Did he get lucky or…" Kazuma starts to ask, making Cu wince.

"Oh, I forgot to mention, only Noble Phantasms ranked A or higher can harm him~."

"Lancer, what's your rank?" Kazuma asks, despite suspecting the answer.

"…It was B. Now it's C++." He says before the giant turns towards him, steam coming out of its mouth.

Then he explodes, shot from behind with an arrow carrying the force of a missile.

The giant is unaffected, but Cu uses the momentum to aid the last of his energy to create some distance.

Kazuma tosses him another bottle, and he begins drinking.

Kazuma raises both shaking hands toward Berserker who is looking around for the source of the barrage.

"Master, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to steal that bastard's weapon!"

"…I really don't want to be near you when you get his loincloth…" Cu says with a side long frown.

"I won't! Steal!" Kazuma shouts with all his soul, hoping against hope to weaken the giant that is stepping towards the dark haired woman, now stopping at the bright light from Kazuma's hands.

When it passes, Cu raises an eyebrow.

The giant is not only still armed, but likely still wearing his undergarments.

"So…whose is it this time?"

"Oh my God…!" the dark haired woman says.

"You deplorable little-!" The white haired girl says with balled fists.

Kazuma opens his hands and he has a plain pair of white underwear and a surprisingly risqué pair of black panties that look little more than strings with a patch of cloth.

"Two for one…shame one of them is a temporary ally…" Cu says.

"Berserker, change of plans; He's the target for that spell now!" She says with an angry point.

"You think I'm afraid of death?! I'm friends with the Goddess in that afterlife room!" Kazuma shouts.

"Oh I won't kill you. I'm going to have Heracles break your limbs before cutting off your head and casting a spell to make you effectively immortal and feel every sensation of being a severed head~." The white haired girl says, making the other girl blanch and Kazuma stare in true terror.

"There's something fundamentally wrong with you, you stunted bitch!" Kazuma says before Heracles roars and begins running towards Kazuma.

"Lurk!" He says and vanishes, stunning everyone present.

"How in the world did he-"

"Over here!" Kazuma shouts.

Heracles wastes no time in charging after him.

"Freeze!" Kazuma says, and ice appears on the ground, making the giant slip.

And do a flip, spinning in the air like a break dancer and ballet super star before landing directly in front of a stiffly smiling and shaking Kazuma.

He raises his weapon.

Kazuma takes a hurried deep breath.

"ERIS SAVE ME!" He shouts, making the insane giant tilt its head in a moment of pause at the familiar name. Then in further confusion as a rip appears in the air.

"What…" The white haired girl and Saber says.

"Is…" The black haired girl and Shirou say.

"Going on over there?" Archer says, squinting to see better and in befuddlement.

"Hello again Eris!" Cu says.

"Hello again Child of- Wait…Heracles?!" Eris asks and Heracles stares with a gaping mouth at the rip.

"Uh…I know this is not the best time to ask you for anything, but can you give this man a break…he's been through a lot."

"Hnng." Heracles growls back.

"Yes, I know, not quite as much as you, but he didn't ask to be here and-"

"Hng."

"Excuse me?! What did you just call me?!"

"Hnng."

"Don't repeat it!"

"Hnnng~ Haha Hmph!" Heracles says, drawing an exceptionally loud gasp from Eris.

"That's it!" Eris says before the rip gets bigger and her fist comes through it.

"God Blow!" Eris says, and the punch sends Heracles flying through the air, crashing next to his pale, open mouthed, and near comatose young master.

The others cannot believe what they just witnessed as Heracles grunts and fades into spirit form.

"This isn't over!" She shouts and begins running away with tears in her eyes.

===

"What the Hell was all that!? I thought you weren't a mage!" The dark haired girl says some time later after recovering back at Shirou's place.

"I'm not. I only know basic magic from another world…and shouldn't you introduce yourself?" Kazuma says while spinning the risqué black panties on one finger.

"…Please stop doing that in my home…" Shirou asks with a hand at his face.

"And return mine as well!" Saber says with a scowl.

"Pardon me for forgetting my manners with a panty thief!" The girl in red says.

"You're still acting all high and mighty after wearing this lewd piece of clothing?" Kazuma says while spinning the black panties on his finger. The girl looks at him flatly.

"…Those aren't my panties you perverted freak." She says and Kazuma stops spinning them, arriving at only one conclusion, and not liking it.

"…There is something fundamentally wrong with this world." Kazuma says.

"…How the Hell did you wind up with him as your master? I cannot imagine him having an artifact related to you or having that much affinity…" Archer asks Cu while standing next to Cu.

"I was summoned by someone else, a nice young lady from my homeland that had one of my earrings, but then the priest killed her and I had him make a pact with me so I wouldn't be his lap dog." Cu says.

"Kirei did what?!...No that makes perfect sense actually…" The dark haired young woman says with a hand at her head.

 

[Davos]

After introductions of names, and Kazuma repeating his truthful and absurd reason for being there, the others turn to the silent elephant in the room.

"…He really isn't lying…" Eris says through the rip.

"This raises so many questions…" Rin says.

"…Why is a Greek Goddess looking over the departed of Japan?" Shirou asks.

"That's uh…bit of a long story. But this is due to circumstances. Normally another Goddess handles this area."

"Why is a Japanese man, who chose to go to another world, back in Japan?" Saber asks.

"I don't want to talk about that…" Kazuma says, looking away with fully sullen eyes.

"I do have a question for you Lady Eris." Archer says.

"What is it?"

"If this young man dies during the course of the war, what happens to him? Does he simply go back to that other world? I ask because I do not wish to incur the wrath of a deity." Archer asks and Eris remains quiet.

"…Eris?" Kazuma asks.

"The…laws in this world and the circumstances make that more difficult than back in the other world, so I am not entirely sure yet…"

"Wait, I can permanently die here?" Kazuma asks.

"I didn't think you would be at risk of dying during a vacation in your home country! Plus the mana in this world behaves differently, further complicating things…"

"…How often do you die in this other world Master?" Cu asks and Kazuma remains quiet.

"…I can't tell if you're the biggest threat in this war, or the biggest joke." Rin says flatly, making Kazuma glare.

"You have no idea what I had to put up with in that world! My party is full of crazy people! Like- Wait a minute…" Kazuma starts then stops when he looks around the room.

First at Saber; a blonde knight with noble bearing.

Then at Rin, a dark haired girl in red that knows magic.

Then finally at Cu Chulainn who is clad in blue, who has a lot of hype and ability, but has failed at everything they attempted.

'Nothing's changed! I'm back where I started! And that's not including whatever baggage a guy that would willingly run into a servant fight and this Chinese Ajax that's actually possibly Japanese would have…!' Kazuma thinks with an open mouth and blank eyes before looking at Shirou.

"Something the matter?"

"Is there any liquor in this house?" Kazuma asks, and Cu looks at him.

"No…wait, why are you asking? You look about the same age as us."

"I'm not asking for myself."

"Really Master?" Cu asks with a sigh.

"Sorry Cu, but I don't believe in coincidences, and there are too many familiar sights here!"

"I'm not a drunkard! Besides, I doubt I would even like sake."

"Your loss…ugh!" Archer says.

"…So you are a Japanese hero…but which one would have your skill set?" Rin mutters.

"Maybe he's Chinese who came over?" Shirou asks.

"That wouldn't explain the Greek shield." Kazuma says.

"Maybe he is a trader who's been around the world?" Saber suggests.

"M-my identity is not important right now!" Archer says.

"Awfully convenient for you, Red; you already know our names." Cu says.

"He's probably a Japanese guy that is obsessed with everything European, and that's why he doesn't want to tell us." Kazuma says, enjoying Archer's forehead vein.

"I am not….Knowing my name will not change the fact none of us can stand against Berserker." Archer says, and the others cannot disagree.

"…Not to mention what that priest has in the church." Cu says.

Rin stands up.

"For now, we should go home and do more info gathering…Not like there is much more we can do tonight."

Kazuma looks at Shirou. Shirou returns a flat stare. Rin also looks at Kazuma.

"…I still don't have a place for tonight so-"

"Absolutely not!" Saber says.

"But we're allies aren't we~?" Kazuma says, making Saber's eye twitch.

"I think you need to give up your trophies to try and smooth things over Master."

Kazuma begrudgingly returns the plain panties, making Saber and Rin leave the room.

"…You actually stole Saber's underwear?" Archer asks.

"By accident." Kazuma says and Archer merely looks flatly at him.

He throws out the black ones and casts 'tinder' on it, sending it up in flames.

Rin and Archer leave a minute later and the four settle in for the night.

===

Kazuma wakes up and finds Shirou and Cu in the kitchen and dining room respectively.

"Why are you up so early?" Kazuma asks.

"Making my breakfast and my lunch for school." Shirou says.

A few minutes later the four of them sit to eat a standard breakfast.

Except Saber who gets a plain bowl of rice and a small, slightly burnt fish.

Saber looks at Shirou.

Shirou ignores her while eating his soup.

Saber steals one of Kazuma's rolled omelets and eats it.

"What the Hell?!" Kazuma says, stopping Saber's chopsticks with his own from stealing the rest of his breakfast.

"Servants need their strength…and you more than deserve punishment after last night."

"Should a Queen really hold a grudge~?" Kazuma asks, making Saber's brow furrow. She reaches with her free hand and starts pulling the plate towards her, but Kazuma already has his hand on it, stopping her attempt.

"I am a king, not a queen!"

"Either way, you seem to have no problem stealing from people weaker than you."

"Are you seriously accusing someone of stealing?!" Saber asks.

"It's not an accusation if it's true!" Kazuma says, struggling to keep his dish.

Cu glances at Shirou. Shirou looks up at Cu.

'I'm sure he has reasons for withholding the extra dishes hidden behind that wall.' Cu thinks before going back to his meal and a few more minutes of bickering between Saber and Kazuma, he lets Saber know about the other dishes. She goes for them and Shirou leaves for school.

===

Saber spends the day in the dojo, away from Kazuma and Cu, with the door locked.

"Can't say I blame her." Cu says, making Kazuma further frown.

"I meet two pretty girls and they both hate my guts…And I'm supposed to have above average luck." Kazuma says.

"You had a Goddess save your life from one of the strongest servants in existence. I call that lucky."

"But it can it be called a life without a girl by my side?"

"…You might get further with them if you don't steal their underwear as a first impression."

"I can't control that ability…it's randomized!"

"Is it really random if it's the same item three times in a row?" Cu asks.

Kazuma has no answer.

The front door opens.

Kazuma goes over to it and stops in his tracks.

The girl with purple hair also freezes, looking at him with widened eyes.

"Uh…W-who are you? T-this is private residence and…"

"I-I'm not a trespasser! My name is Kazuma Satou, I was invited here by Shirou last night…"

"Oh…that is surprising. Shirou doesn't usually invite people over. The only people I've seen here are him and Miss Fujimura…Um, My name is Sakura Matou…"

"I'm sure he'll be here in a bit since school is out." Kazuma says and the girl looks away.

"Uh…Did he get detention or something?"

"No…he uh…is cleaning up the archery range at school."

"Is it a big range?"

"Considerable…He'll probably be at it until after dark. That's why I wanted to get here and put something together for him and-" Sakura stops when she sees Cu walk back to the house, giving a friendly wave to her. She waves back in shock.

"He's…a friend, he's traveling with me at the moment."

"You're traveling?"

"I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I uh…complications happened and I'm in a awkward place."

"Oh, unfortunate. But if Shirou invited you here, I'm sure you're a good person." Sakura says and Kazuma nearly cries from joy.

Then Sakura squeaks.

"W-who are you?" She asks and Kazuma turns to see Saber behind him some distance away.

"I am…uh…"

Kazuma grins and Saber spots, her eye twitching in dread.

"Shirou can vouch for her…Her name is Elizabeth~."

"Oh, it's…nice to meet you Elizabeth…I'm Sakura." She says with a bit of a stiff smile.

"Likewise Sakura…" Saber says with an equally stiff smile, a fist clenched at her side.

'I should probably stop annoying the woman that could kill me while revival is uncertain…Later~." Kazuma thinks before the door opens and a woman with short brown hair and an easy going smile in a green dress with a striped shirt under it enters with a fast stride before stopping when she sees Kazuma and Saber.

"Did you invite friends over Sak-" She stops when she sees Cu exit the house.

"Get back, there's a shady looking burglar!"

"Where?!" Cu asks, ready to kick ass, unaware of the woman pulling out a kendo sword.

"You targeted the wrong estate!" She says, slashing at Cu who side steps and backs off.

"I'm not a burglar!"

"You expect me to believe a contact wearing, hair dying punk like you isn't a lawbreaker?"

"This is my natural hair and eye color! And I am mostly honorable!"

"Then I'll give you one chance to prove it! In the dojo or we're calling the cops! You face Taiga Fujimura!"

"B-but Fujimura, he-"

"Get that phone ready Sakura!"

"Y-yes…"

"…I know it's not my place, but you should really stand up for yourself…" Kazuma whispers.

"I know…" Sakura says as they all head to the dojo to watch Cu and Taiga spar. Although he has more skill his experience, he winds up only edging out a victory. Kazuma looks at him flatly when he walks away after getting Taiga's stamp of approval.

"…I'm great with a spear but muck with a sword."

"Really? I wouldn't mind fighting you with a spear sometime!" Taiga says.

"I wouldn't mind that either…though it'll a lot more one sided~."

"Heh you wish…anyway your turn now!" Taiga says to Saber.

"What?"

"I'm not letting some strange girl stay with Shirou. You got to prove it too!"

"B-but don't you need rest?" Saber asks as she catches a bamboo sword.

"I can do this all day!" Taiga says before they start.

And gets a bump on her forehead.

"…You're approved…" Taiga says somewhat sadly before turning to Kazuma her zeal back in a second.

"…Is a match really required at this point?"

"Yes. I'm not letting ne'er-do-wells stay here!"

"As you wish. I'll try to not hit you in your face."

"You'd be lucky to hit me at all! Your blue friend struggled mightily against me!"

"Careful M- Kazuma…She is quite skilled." Cu says.

"No need to worry, and prepare for a show!"

"Strange, I didn't think you would be the cocky type." Taiga says with a smile.

"I'm no stranger to a sword…prepare yourself…Tiger!" Kazuma says, smiling at the eye twitch even if he does feel slightly bad at taunting her.

The guilt vanishes as he is whacked from every possible angle, Taiga not showing mercy even as welts form on his body in mid spar. It's only when Kazuma starts sputtering on his knees Taiga relents and scratches the back of her head.

"S-sorry, I really hate being called that…"

Sakura has her hands over her mouth in shock.

Cu looks on neutrally, more surprised at Taiga's energy than the outcome. He is however somewhat disturbed at Saber's reaction.

She is smiling fully and sweetly at Kazuma's pain.

 

[Davos]

Shirou comes home and sees Kazuma covered in bandages, Taiga and Sakura in shock, Cu acting nonchalantly, and Saber smiling with the radiance of the sun.

"…Saber, did you beat up Kazuma?"

"No!"

"Why are you calling Elizabeth 'Saber', Shirou? It's not really nice to call a girl that…" Taiga asks with a head tilt, noticing Saber's eye twitch and Kazuma smile.

"…It's a nickname she likes…" Shirou says, frowning at having to lie.

"Oh, makes sense. She is an amazing swordswoman!" Taiga says, making Saber's eye twitch despite the praise. Shirou resists sighing as he heads to the kitchen.

"I already made dinner Senpai."

"Oh thank you Sakura. Sorry you had to make it by yourself."

"Oh I didn't, Kazuma helped. He's surprisingly handy in a kitchen." Sakura says, making Kazuma smile and Shirou look at him askance.

"I see…That's good to know." He says before they sit down to dinner, everyone's spirits rising with the good food, especially Saber since Sakura gave her adequate servings.

Until Kazuma steals one of her finely cooked fish.

"Cretin!" Saber says, grabbing the fish with her chopstick and trying to pull it back.

"Call it a tax for stealing my egg this morning!"

"I gave you a roll back to make up for that!"

"This is in the interest."

"Ah, young love~." Taiga says causing Saber to snap a chopstick in fury.

Cu Chulainn has a hand over his mouth as he shakes from laughter.

'…Least she isn't trying to take Shirou…though maybe it's better if she or someone else does. It's not like I-' Sakura bites her tongue to stop the thought.

Shirou looks flatly at his servant and Kazuma before resuming his meal.

===

After the meal, Shirou is looking at a patch of freshly dug up Earth with Saber, Kazuma and Cu Chulainn.

"…What is this?" He asks.

"A potato patch." Kazuma answers and Cu's eyes sparkle.

"Just how long do you plan to live here?!"

"I'll share."

"That is not the issue here!"

"Emiya, we all know there is no shortage of issues with that…thing." Rin says at the gate.

"Don't call me a thing!" Kazuma says.

"Can't exactly call you a man." Rin says with a smile. The smile fades when Kazuma raises a hand towards Rin. Saber also grimaces and readies her blade, in turn making Cu ready his lance. Rin in turns points a finger at him, her other hand supporting her arm.

"Don't you dare do it!"

"Then mind your manners."

"You are the last person to chastise someone for ill manners!" Saber says.

"…Although I cannot disagree with you, I think we all should calm down…also what brings you here, little Red?" Cu asks making Rin blink.

"Shirou didn't tell you?" She asks and Shirou's eyes widen a moment.

"Sorry, I forgot when I saw the absurdity at coming back…"

"What did you mean to tell us Master?" Saber asks.

"There's a bounded field at the school."

"What?" Cu and Saber ask at the same time."

"Is that bad?" Kazuma asks.

"This one could possibly kill everyone at the school." Rin says.

"Wait, isn't that against the rules for this War?"

"Technically yes, but it's more about having witnesses. If there are no witnesses, there are no problems…There have been incidents of gas leaks but it's possible that was a servant feeding." Rin says.

"Feeding?" Kazuma and Shirou ask, making Rin blink.

"…Lancer and Saber didn't explain this to you?"

"I'm not fond of that method." Cu says.

"I find it repulsive." Saber says.

"Fair enough…" Rin says before explaining that servant can get mana from feeding on people's souls which is likely what the master at the school is attempting to do.

"So what now?" Kazuma asks.

"Me and Shirou will start to erase sigils for the Bounded field tomorrow…as for you…" Rin trails off.

"Maybe he can help? Do you know a spell that can break sigils or find them?" Shirou asks.

"Got nothing like that, and I'd rather not go to school." Kazuma says, making everyone look at him askance or full of disdain.

"So you would let others die to avoid danger?...Somehow I am not surprised." Saber says.

"It's not like that. True, I don't have a good history with school, but I would think this master who made that field would love to catch masters in it too, so having all of us there would be in their favor." Kazuma says, making them all reconsider.

"…I'm shocked you have a brain that actually thought of that." Rin says.

"Hey."

"But having something in reserve can be helpful…Though that something being you is a little worrisome." Rin continues, making Kazuma look flatly at her.

"Hey, I'm still alive after having that giant chasing me!"

"Yes…Because you had a deity to bail you out. How can we know she'll do that again? She may have…God stuff to take care of when something happens."

"…I'm competent." Kazuma says and Shirou clears his throat.

"…I did hear that there is a 'witch' in Ryuudou temple. Maybe he can go during the day time to investigate that? His skill set is more suited to recon then either of us."

"Wait, where did you hear that?" Rin asks.

"Rider's Master."

"You met with a master?!" Saber and Rin ask at the same time.

"You got more guts than I realized…" Cu says,

"Wait, couldn't Rider's master be the one setting up this field?" Kazuma asks.

"He said he wasn't before telling me about witch at the temple."

"…And you just believed him?"

"I had no reason to believe he was lying." Shirou says.

"…Are you serious right now?"

"I hate that I'm agreeing with him again…" Rin says.

"Likewise…"

"Who is Rider's master?" Rin asks.

"Shinji Matou."

"And you believed him?!" Rin shouts.

"You don't sound too bright." Kazuma says.

"…Saber do you want to beat up Kazuma again?' Shirou asks and Saber happily pulls out a bamboo sword.

"She didn't beat him up earlier, that was Taiga." Cu says.

"I won't stop her. Just not too badly so he can still walk to the temple." Shirou says

"I will make no such promises~." Saber says with a lilt. Kazuma merely looks at her before grinning.

"Elizabeth~."

"You little-"

"Lurk!" He says before vanishing.

"Coward!" Saber yells before beginning to hunt after him to no avail.

===

After breakfast, and staving off Saber's raids on his breakfast, Kazuma and Cu head to the temple. Kazuma explores the temple posing as a tourist, and find little wrong with it. Cu is left outside but close by due to the field affecting him.

When they leave, they bump into a middle aged man in glasses.

'…He looks familiar.' Kazuma thinks.

"Is something the matter, young man?" He asks.

"No, just…did we meet before?" Kazuma asks.

"I don't believe so. I am excellent with recalling faces, and yours does not seem familiar to me."

"Must be my imagination…" Kazuma says and as he and Cu leave, a woman with light purple hair appears, smiling at the man.

"You're back early Souichirou~."

"My final class was early today, I thought I told you?"

'Woah, this plain looking guy has such a beauty?! And with elf ears too…wait elf ears?' Kazuma thinks, looking at the woman more closely before she glances at him with a slight frown.

"Sorry…" Kazuma says while glancing away.

"Do not be too harsh on him. He is a young man."

"You are far too forgiving Souichirou…" She says with a slight sigh before smiling as they head back up to the temple. Kazuma scratches his chin in thought as he and Cu walk.

"Something on your mind?"

"Those two look very familiar…" He says.

===

Kazuma wakes up from a deep sleep with a scream, making the others jolt awake, grabbing sword, spear, and pitifully reinforced pipe in their haste.

"What is it Master?!" Cu asks in a quick breath

"Is there a servant?!" Shirou asks while looking all around.

"Is Kazuma dying?!" Saber asks with a lilt in her voice.

"She's not a cosplayer, that hot elf is a servant!" Kazuma says

 

[Davos]

"You're positive it was Souichirou?" Shirou asks at the breakfast table.

"That's what she said…You know him? Tall, lean, plain looking?" Kazuma asks while pushing his breakfast to the side further from Saber, leaving her to look at a plain bowl of rice and a hard boiled egg.

It's not even unshelled.

Cu slides his plate of fish to Saber, whose eyes sparkle, as Kazuma and Shirou look at Cu.

"I don't have a grudge against her." Cu says before turning back to his meal.

"Why do you have grudges against her?" Taiga asks after swallowing some perfectly cooked egg rolls.

"Long story…" Shirou says, not wanting to or sure how to explain his issue.

"She's a jerk and a food thief." Kazuma says.

"To be fair, you're not undeserving of it." Cu says.

"…I didn't realize you all had history…" Sakura says.

"I'll be around if you want to talk about it…but why are you all so interested in Souichirou? If you're struggling with his class I'm sure he can be talked into helping. Sure, he's kinda scary looking, but he's always been helpful."

"That's…not quite the issue Taiga." Shirou says.

"So what's the issue?"

"The babe he's with at the temple." Kazuma says.

"Kazuma that is not-"

"That rumor is true?!" Taiga asks.

"Saw her myself." Kazuma says.

"Is it true she has an odd hair color?"

"Blue like the sky."

"Oh my God…You have to tell me more!" Taiga says with sparkles in her eyes until Shirou coughs loudly, tapping at a imaginary watch on his wrist.

"…You'll still have to tell me sometime. Unfortunately I have to go be a responsible teacher for a few hours."

"Can't you take a sick day?" Kazuma asks.

"Kazuma!" Shirou says, and Kazuma looks away.

Cu chuckles.

"You want the rest of my breakfast Elizabeth? I was up earlier and had a few too many tangerines so I'm not hungry." Taiga says and Saber's eyes glow.

After Taiga leaves, Shirou glares at Kazuma.

"What?"

"I don't want her involved in this war!"

"I don't either, but if there is a rumor mill, why not use it? It could lead to some unexpected finds on the other masters…we don't know Assassin yet for example."

"…We can talk about this later." Shirou says and leaves for school.

===

At the school, Souichirou is grading papers, ignoring the grinning woman in a green dress.

She is still grinning at him when he finishes, forcing him to respond.

"Is something the matter, Ms. Fujimura?"

'Please do not flirt with me…Medea would not like hearing about that.'

"No…just surprised by you, you sly dog you~."

"…I do not understand."

"I heard you actually met someone. Congratulations!" Taiga says, and Souichirou maintains a neutral face despite the question in his head.

"…Where did you hear about that?"

"From a visitor to Fuyuki that is staying with Shirou."

"Emiya? I see…Wait, can you describe this visitor? I believe I saw him the other day."

"Hmm….Not much to say. He's looks like a typical school boy. Brown hair, normal looking…Was he wearing a green tracksuit?"

"Yes."

"You want to come over sometime? I think you two can- Oh I'm sorry…you need the missy's permission, right~?" Taiga asks with a smirk.

Souichirou maintains a flat face, deflating Taiga.

'Medea might like hearing about this…What vile machinations could this young man be thinking?'

===

Saber and Kazuma look at Cu Chulainn with flat stares as he raises his right leg and taps his left leg with his foot before stepping to the left while facing the potato patch, before repeating the leg motions again and walking in a circle with an outstretched hand, following a quick beat.

He stops when he sees Saber and Kazuma.

"…It's a harvest jig."

"Are you seriously dancing for potatoes? Just ask Shirou to buy some…Lord knows you're on better terms with him then I regarding food." Saber says.

"It's not the same as freshly grown! Besides, there's not much else to do here."

"It's a good thing there aren't people who could see. They might guess you're true name from that dance." Kazuma says.

"Not my fault I'm famous."

"….It is though?"

"You know what I meant!"

"It's still a very nice dance." Sakura's voice says from a nearby window, making the three freeze.

"…How long were you there Sakura?"

"The whole time…You didn't hear the sink going?" Sakura asks.

"Do you have any questions?" Saber asks.

"…Would it be possible for me to learn that dance? It looks fun…"

"Sure! Come on out and I'll teach you!" Cu says with a grin.

A minute later, Cu and Sakura are doing the harvest jig.

Kazuma joins in too. Saber looks flatly at Kazuma before dragging him away.

"What was that for?"

"You're just doing that to touch her."

"I am not!...well, not entirely. It does look fun."

"Leave one lady alone. I don't want to be here when you accidentally steal her panties."

"I would never!...Why don't you join us?"

"Why would I ever join a dance with a cretin like you?" Saber asks with fists on her hips.

"Since this is Cu's dance, there could be an inadvertent transfer of mana, making the potatoes grow faster and tastier."

"You really think I'm that desperate for food?"

"You think Shirou's breakfasts for you will get better?" Kazuma asks, and Saber opens her mouth to respond but only silence and a strained sound comes out.

A few minutes later Shirou and Rin arrive at the estate with Archer watching from afar, all of them stunned at the sight of Cu, Saber, Kazuma, and Sakura dancing merrily in front of the potato patch.

"…I didn't realize your finances were this bad Emiya…" Rin says.

"They aren't!"

"I am not surprised…I imagine Saber and Lancer consume a lot of food if left unchecked." Archer says.

"Surprisingly not. Lancer eats about as much as me, and I have been rationing Saber's meals." Shirou says.

"You're doing what to Saber?" Archer asks with an open mouth.

"Rationing. She doesn't deserve seconds and only half of a firsts."

'The Hell is this timeline?' Archer thinks with vacant eyes.

Taiga arrives a moment later and sees the four dancers.

She joins in and makes it five.

===

Kazuma remembers going to bed, but finds himself back at the temple, passing by a solemn looking man with long purple hair and an absurdly long sword on his back.

"What in the…?"

"Welcome, young man. I'm glad you were able to find your way here." A sweet voice says with an undertone that makes Kazuma shivers.

A moment later the hooded figure appears, holding an impossible jagged and colorful dagger.

 

[Davos]

Lancer and Saber hurry towards the temple, only stopping when a lone swordsman stands in their way, his long sword in a relaxed one handed grip.

"I did not expect two servants tonight. That young man is quite fortunate to be so beloved." The samurai says, making Saber spit to the side, eliciting a raised eyebrow from him.

"She's here to work out some annoyances. I'm here to save my master, now stand aside unless you wish to be impaled."

"As a saber servant and a warrior, I do not know the meaning of retreat. You face Kojiro Sasaki!" The swordsman says while raising his blade, waiting for them to attack.

They look at him quietly, Cu scratching the back of his head.

"…The blonde knight is Saber, isn't she?"

"For what it is worth, you don't look like a caster." Saber says, making the samurai spit to the side.

"I am assassin. Caster is further inside with that green clad young man."

"What is she doing with him?"

"By now, I am certain he is either dead or a puppet."

"No he isn't…it's faint, but there is still a connection. But I won't take my time with you…" Lancer says before crouching low, his spear glowing red, Saber looking at him wide eyed and Assassin readies his blade as Cu launches his attack.

"Gae Bolg!"

"Tsubame Gaeshi!" Assassin says as the red vector approaches him, vanishing before it could pierce him.

"What?!" Saber and Lancer say at the same time.

"That was a most curious swallow…"

"Swallow?" Cu asks.

"Apologies…I tend to get in mood to talk about swallows whenever I use that skill. I perfected it to kill vexing birds that would steal the rice from m bowl."

"…You're telling me, the cursed spear of my homeland, an attack that reverses causality, that I spent considerable time going through hellish training to master, was deflected by an attack you made to hunt birds?" Cu asks with a body wide shake.

"You seem exceptionally irate. Did you expect that attack to work every time against servants?" Kojiro asks, and Cu remains quiet, taking a water bottle from his back to begin drinking.

"Don't you think it improper to drink during a fight? Though I must say, I never expected the Child of Light to be partial to vodka."

"It's water…and he's yours Saber." Cu says before dashing forward, looking to side step Kojiro only to be pushed back.

"Surely you have another trick u your sleeve? Or do I scare you that much?"

Cu's eye twitches as he begins slashing and thrusting at the purple haired man.

===

"This is the worst vacation ever." Kazuma says as Medea raises her arm, making her stop.

"Vacation? You call the Holy Grail War a vacation?"

"I didn't plan to join this when I started my vacation…Now I'm going to die for it."

"…You won't die, I'm just cutting off your arm to steal those command seals for Saber."

"What is it with you people and cutting off limbs!? And I'm not blondie's Master!"

"You people?"

"You, the priest who cut off an arm, and that white haired brat who wanted to make me an immortal voodoo head doll!"

"…How have you lived this long?" Souichirou asks.

"Luck, and prior experience from an aimless adventure with a blue braggart and asinine group." Kazuma says, making Medea laugh.

"Oh, you are talking to the wrong person about aimless adventurers and dumb parties!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes."

"Did you wind up sleeping in a stable on your first night to a new city because you couldn't afford a room?"

"Did you ever sleep on a ship full of men as a maiden? The smell alone killed me!"

"You wanna talk about horrible smells? You ever been eaten by a hydra?"

"Have you?"

"Yes."

"Absurd, you're-"

"The braggart was a Goddess who can revive me." Kazuma says.

"…Was she the Goddess of water?" Medea asks, her blade lowering slightly.

"Yes! How did you know it was Aqua?!"

"How in the world did you convince that self centered thing to leave the Heavens?!"

"I didn't, I basically kidnapped her as revenge for mocking my death." Kazuma says and Medea freezes a moment before lowering her hood.

"Do tell."

"…Not that I want to be, but I thought you were going to stab me?"

"I will if you don't tell me how you made that cry baby suffer." Medea says with a smile.

"OH, the crying, don't get me started on that!"

"Ugh, I know…drop of a hat and a mop is sorely needed…then there's the drinking. Did you know she emptied my wedding day barrels by herself?"

"I didn't but I can see her doing that, or accidentally purifying them." Kazuma says.

"Worst part, I knew I shouldn't have invited her, but I was young and she was family, distant a relation as it was."

"You're related? How? You are way more composed and striking than her." Kazuma says, making Medea frown.

"Trying to sweet talk me? I'm happily with someone else." She says pointing to Souichirou.

"Not trying to, but after all that time with her, I can't imagine you're sisters even with the hair color."

"Don't get me started on the family tree…I think we're distant cousins? My father is Aeetes."

"Sorry, not that familiar with Greek figures…"

"You know Helios?"

"The sun?"

"He's my grandfather."

"Wait…You're part God? How?"

"You know nothing of Zeus do you?"

"Not much, but I'm willing to listen." Kazuma says and Medea pauses a moment. Then she smiles as she makes a table with three chairs, three glasses, and a bottle of wine appears.

===

Lancer deflects Kojiro's blade, only for him to riposte Lancer's counter thrust or slash, a feat that proves easy with his long blade. Even Saber joining the fight against Kojiro doesn't make him budge more than a step upwards, the extra elevation helping minimize their number advantage. Then he maneuvers them in such a way to crash into the other and down the stairs.

"Gah!"

"Damn it!"

"You two are most skilled…I can only attribute my success to the difference in our master's and my having the higher ground. Without both, I am certain I would be easily dealt with."

"Hah…You don't think we are done yet do you?" Cu says before lowering himself again, his spear glowing red again.

"Lancer, that won't work!" Saber says.

"It is as she says, Child of Light…but I won't stop you from trying." Kojiro says, his blade in both hands as Cu throws the weapon. Kojiro flinches but keeps his eye on the spear, ready to cut it…but instead it flies harmlessly up into the air, overshooting him.

"Wha-"

A twig snaps and when he looks down, he sees Cu Chulainn has already closed the distance and still low.

Until he springs up with a pivot, landing a kick into Kojiro's side, sending him flying off the path and into a tree.

Saber looks on in open mouthed shock as Kojiro coughs blood.

"You cheap shoting cad!" Kojiro yells from the wood works as Cu hurries up the stairs.

"You really think I was going to try the same attack twice on you?" Cu says with a smirk as an enraged Kojiro steps back onto a flat surface, brushing leaves and branch from his hair, stopping when Saber stands before him.

"…You think you can do better by yourself? Or that I would not side step you into pursuit?"

"I know you won't…because you are not Kojiro Sasaki!" Saber says, despite a minor inner turmoil at what she is going to do.

'I cannot believe I am burrowing one of that scumbag's strategies…' Saber thinks while suppressing a frown.

"What are you talking about Saber? Who else could I be?"

"You're obviously Musashi Miyamoto!" Saber shouts with gusto, making Kojiro's stare, first in shock, then in fury as he tightens the grip on his blade.

"I'm going to eviscerate you."

'I cannot fault your reaction…' Saber thinks before Kojiro attacks.

===

"Wow, that Jason guy sounds like a jerk…" Kazuma says before taking a sip.

"Indeed, and this…Megumin was it? Sounds quite vexing in her own right…though I cannot believe such a knight exists."

"She does…if it wasn't for Eris, I'm sure I would have given up a long time ago…"

"Eris is one of the few Gods I still pay respects to…a shame she is often bullied by Aqua." Medea says before emptying and refilling her glass.

"Yeah, but I think part of that is my fault…" Kazuma says.

"Nonsense…If anything I'm sure she appreciates the time away…even if it does burden her with more work." Medea says and Kazuma remains silent.

"What is it?"

"…Bit of a random thought, probably bought on by this drink and our talk, but how do you feel about an alliance?"

"You'd betray your compatriots for me? Not that I am in any place to criticize but-"

"No, I mean join us. I know that Samurai is a servant, and with you, that would bring five servants working together. I doubt even Heracles could beat that."

"Wait, Heracles is one of the servants here?" Medea asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah."

"Oh Gods…Which class is he? Rider, Saber?"

"Berserker."

"I suppose him not having his wits is a blessing…" Medea says with a side long look.

"I don't know about that…he managed to talk to Eris for a bit."

"…What? Is Eris a servant?"

"No, I called her for help and she helped through a rip in the fabric of reality."

"…You called on a Deity and she helped you?" Souichirou asks.

"Yeah."

"How?!" Medea and Souichirou ask at the same time.

"I yelled really loud…though I think that's more because she felt bad about my being dragged into this war during a vacation."

"…You truly lead an interesting life." Medea says with a smile before extending a hand.

"Does this mean you'll…?" Kazuma starts to ask but sways a bit from the wine.

"Yes, though I cannot promise what happens after Heracles, I will join forces with you and-" Before Medea can finish Souichirou stands up and envelopes her in an embrace.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu shouts and a streak of red shoots out, hitting it's mark, and making Medea and Souichirou fall to the ground, a pool of red quickly forming on the ground.

Kazuma looks on in pale, abject shock before turning to Cu.

Cu is smiling as he takes a knee.

"Finally, my Noble Phantasm wo-"

"You jackass!" Kazuma says while jamming a finger into Cu's head.

"The Hell?!"

"Things were going great and then you killed her!"

"Are you seriously unhappy about my Noble Phantasm finally working on a servant!?"

"On the one you didn't need to kill!" Kazuma says and Cu looks at him flatly before rubbing his head.

"…Oh my God, you're enthralled by her."

"What?"

"You see one beautiful older woman and are willing to risk everything for her? She was obviously into that other guy why would you even- oh my God…" Cu says before paling at a realization.

"You're an ntr bastard!"

"I am not! We bonded after out mutual dislike of a Goddess and-" The bodies on the ground moving up to a sitting position silences him. Looking over he sees a crying Medea cupping Souichirou's lifeless face.

"SOUICHIROU!"

 

[Davos]

"Please, no, not like this!" Medea says while shaking Souichirou before raising a hand but stopping.

"He's already…"

"But why aren't you-" Cu's question is cut off when he has to dodge a magical missile going for his head.

His shock is palpable when Medea stands up, clearly unharmed, and after gently placing her dead master on the ground, she takes to the air. A dozen eye shaped sigils appear behind her like malevolent wings before glowing, an impending barrage incoming.

"So much for the alliance…" Kazuma mutters.

"Alliance?"

"I'll tell you later, we got to go!"

"I'm sure I can haaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd-"

Cu appears to be in a bubble and moving very slowly.

Kazuma looks up at Medea, flinching under her deadened gaze.

"…I know you didn't mean to cause this Kazuma, but I will not forgive that…blue thing." She says with a sad smile.

Cu slowly starts to scowl before glancing to the side in equally slow shock.

"As annoyed as I am with him, I knew he didn't mean any harm." Kazuma says and Medea's gaze refocuses onto Kazuma.

"…What are you saying?"

"I'm not letting you kill him. He pulled me out of the fire and is a decent guy…even if the last few minutes don't show that."

"…I can appreciate shows of loyalty, but do you really think you can stop-GAH!?" An arrow of extreme force nearly hitting her distracts Medea enough to break the bubble on Cu. Archer steps closer with a scowl.

'I cannot believe I am saving him in this time line…there is something fundamentally wrong with this scenario…' Archer thinks before they leave the temple.

"How did you get past the purple guy?"

"He never paid me any mind….he is oddly focused on Saber." Archer says, gesturing to the sound of steel against steel. Archer gives a whistle and the sound continues a bit more before Saber accompanies them down the path, stray shots of magic chasing after them.

A few minutes later they are further into town and take a moment for Kazuma to catch his breath. Rin and Saber arrive during that time.

"What happened up there?" Rin asks, making Kazuma frown and Cu look to the side.

"Originally, Caster was going to cut my arm off for my seals but then we started talking and almost formed an alliance between our groups, when he arrived and killed her master."

"I was aiming for her! I still don't know how she is unscathed…"

"Maybe true love from her master shielded her from your Gae Bolg~?" Archer asks with crossed arms, one eye closed, and the snarkiest smirk.

"Don't be absurd Red."

"…He actually might be right." Rin says.

"What?" Everyone present asks.

"I only somewhat recall it from my studies, but I have heard of a conceptual shield like that being capable of deflecting powerful curses, though usually at the cost of one of their lives…To be honest I thought it was ne of those cases where folk tale seeped into mage craft or so forgotten that it was little more than a story but…" Rin trails off and Cu Chulainn is silent with an open mouth for a minute.

"I was joking, but for true love to stop his spear is…Gahaha!" Archer starts to shake, a genuine smile on his face.

"…You're telling me that my cursed spear, that I went through hellish training for from an immortal devil of a teacher for, that rewrites the laws of this world, was stopped, not by luck, not by a shield dedicated to countering it, or constitution but by…love? And a love born from a week?!" Cu asks, further making Archer cackle.

"More like three days if that couple I saw was them." Kazuma says, further deflating Cu.

"You're also forgetting bird hunting techniques." Saber says.

"You want to test your luck again!?"

"Wait, the Samurai cut your Noble Phantasm?" Kazuma asks and Cu remains quiet. Archer bites back a laugh as they all head back to a sleepless night.

Except Cu who opens a small sake bottle while watching the moon.

===

Not long after their escape, Medea stares at Kojiro.

"How did Lancer get past you?"

"He…kicked me into the forest after distracting me." Kojiro says, the hairs on his neck standing up.

'She was never pleasant but this is more intense than before…' Kojiro thinks as Medea starts chuckling lowly.

"So why didn't you pick yourself back up and stopped him?"

"Saber…called me Musashi after I told her my name, and I lost my composure and I, blinded in my rage was-" The glow of a command seal on Medea's hand stops Kojiro.

"So because she taunted you, let not one, but two servants bypass you?"

"There was a second?" Kojiro asks, instantly regretting the question when he sees Medea's eye twitch and smile.

"…Any other assassin could have done better than you. But I know how to fix that thin skin of yours~." Medea says before issuing her command.

Kojiro pales.

"T-that is insane!" He says as he slowly turns his blade onto himself, bringing it closer to his face.

"You'll live~."

===

As Cu takes another swig, Taiga sits down next to him.

"You know, burdens and drink are both better shared."

"Probably, but I can't really share this…" Cu says.

"You like it that much?"

"I meant the burden. The drink is watery."

"Then you'll probably like this better." Taiga says before placing a bottle of whiskey and a glass in his hand.

"…On one hand I appreciate this…on the other I have to ask you to not tell anyone this."

"Why?" Taiga asks while pouring out shots.

"The lad suspects me of being a drunk because of my hair color for some reason…"

"You're not a drunk…no drunk moves like you did during that spar session…speaking of which…" Taiga says before standing up and downing her shot to go back inside a moment. Cu looks over while sipping. Then he smiles when Taiga comes out with two bamboo poles.

"You really want that rematch huh? Do you even know how to use a pole arm?"

"I have some experience from years ago. Lot of the basics translate into each other, or do you quake in fear of losing your narrowly won victory~?"

"Hardly~." He says and they do a test match.

Taiga loses horribly but is enjoying the match.

Kazuma looks on in flat jealousy from inside the building.

'…Figures he gets the babe to nurse his ego and play with him. Better leave before they opt for a more private match…such bull.' Kazuma thinks before going down the hall.

"I know you're there." Cu says and Kazuma freezes.

"Sharp as ever L- I mean Cu…" Archer says in a flat tone, his stare even.

Until Taiga tosses him a bamboo staff.

"You're turn!"

"What?"

"If you're staying here you need to-"

"I'm just visiting; I'll be gone in a few minutes." He says before placing the staff against the door.

"…I'm keeping an eye on you. Don't want you corrupting Shirou." Taiga says, leaving Archer quietly flabbergasted. They both wait until she leaves to speak again. Cu materializes his spear while glaring at Archer.

"…How the Hell do you have Caladbolg?"

 

[Davos]

"I do not know Lancer. Amnesia, remember?"

"You're really going to tote that lie after using Fergus' weapon? To me of all people?" Cu asks, knuckles cracking as he tightens the grip on his spear.

"…Maybe I'm actually Fergus in his youth? Or maybe I'm him from an alternate-" Archer's line is cut off when he is forced to materialize two blades to stop Lancer's swing for his head.
After a short exchange of blows, disarms, and counter blows, they step back, circling the other.

"You have a funny idea on how to treat others in an alliance."

"I'm just trying to figure out who you are. Tell me your name and you have weapons from three different countries and I'll gladly apologize."

'Can't exactly do that now…would hinder my plans of killing my younger self.' Archer thinks in silence. Cu scowls and throws his glowing spear. Archer raises his arm, making Rho Aias appear.

Then he sees the spear flying harmlessly over head.

"What in the-"

He catches a blur blue in his lower side vision.

The next moment he feels a sledge hammer of a kick propelling him through the air, ending with him crashing through the shed doors, causing pipes to clank to the ground.

"…Déjà vu…Didn't think that would happen again." He mutters before quickly getting up, lingering for a moment in this shed and recalling that night.

'Not like she'll come to save me this time.' He thinks before stepping out. To his surprise he sees the other Masters, Saber…and Taiga.

"What the Hell are you doing?" Kazuma asks.

"This bastard used uh…" Cu starts but stops when he sees Taiga.

"I've heard worse, continue…though I'm surprised you're an angry drunk."

"…He's been drinking?" Kazuma asks and Taiga blanches.

"Next it'll be gambling…" Kazuma mutters.

"I needed a drink after this week."

"Three days." Saber says, getting an eye twitch from Cu before he makes his spear vanish in exasperation.

"How did you do that?!" Taiga asks and now everyone pales. Shirou sighs.

"…I…Guess we can't hide it any longer….You see Taiga-"

"He's a magician!" Kazuma says quickly, making everyone look at him with flat or shocked expressions.

Except Taiga, who gasps and smiles with child like joy.

"Can you do a trick now!?" She asks.

Cu after a moment pulls out a small rock with runic writing and it flies through the air. Taiga follows it with a smile, quickly going out of earshot.

"How did you know I could use runes Kazuma?"

"I didn't. I thought you would say 'A magician never reveals his tricks' and end this conversation. I didn't think you actually know magic…that could have been helpful."

"My ability to use runes is massively limited in this form and-"

"Oh my God!" Taiga shouts from inside the building, prompting everyone to rush inside.

They see Taiga holding an open wooden box the rune found. Taiga looks inside with wide eyes, frozen in place until she notices them.

"Sorry…Apparently Kiritsugu was careless with where he left this."

"What did he leave? I've never seen that box before." Shirou asks.

"Wait…D-did you say Kiritsugu?" Saber asks as Taiga shows the contents of the box. Inside is a large revolver looking side arm but with only one chamber for a bullet.

Saber looks at it with abject horror before looking at Shirou.

"Shirou…"

"Y-yes Saber?"

"Is Kiritsugu…your father?"

"Yes, why does that-"

"Oh God it's happening again…" Saber says before listlessly going back to her room.

"…What's happening again?" Kazuma asks.

No one can answer him.

Taiga takes the gun back to her place and everyone goes to a restless sleep.

===

The next morning after breakfast, Saber locks herself in the dojo. The adequate breakfast did not help her glazed over look from last night. At the moment Shirou, Kazuma, and Rin are standing by the front gate discussing a plan as Cu and Sakura do a harvest jig to the potato patch.

"No." Kazuma says.

"If you nearly convinced Caster to join us, I'm sure you can convince Shinji! I'm sure you two have a lot in common!" Rin says.

"I don't appreciate the implications in that sentence and I haven't even met this Shinji."

"It'll just be a few minute talk at the school during lunch. Shirou and I took care of the sigils, It'll be fine!" Rin says with a smile.

"Can't we do this at a café or something elsewhere?"

"Are you against going to school? I can lend you one of my spare uniforms so you don't stick out." Shirou asks.

"…I'd rather not, and I doubt there is anything you can say that will-"

"Sakura will be there." Rin says and Kazuma goes back to the building to change.

Shirou looks at Rin.

"I'll shoot him if he tries anything with her." Rin says.

"…Not exactly the most reassuring thing to hear…It's almost as bad as his interest in Sakura…or you offering her up to him."

"I'm not offering her up to him, I'm using her as bait…That…sounded much worse than it did in my head…"

"…With allies like this…" Shirou mutters getting a flat look from Rin.

===

"Is something the matter?" Shinji Matou asks with a hand brushing back his hair. Rider stands nearby, slightly slouched, her eyes covered with a mask in an outfit that seems more fitting for private rooms and certain establishments than fighting to the death.

The fact such a smarmy guy got her as a servant annoys Kazuma as much as the smarmy guy.

"I've only known you for five minutes and I'm utterly annoyed by you." Kazuma says, making Shinji look at him in shock.

'Huh, he does have sense.' Rin thinks.

"How dare you! I thought this was supposed to be negotiation! But all I see is a rambling mutt who cannot even use magic!"

"I can use magic from another world. I heard you need a book to even be a master."

"T-that is not the point here! Besides, what can that magic from a supposed another world even do?" Shinji asks, before going on a monologue of thinly veiled insults towards Kazuma. Shirou whispers to Kazuma.

"I doubt you forgot, but you realize we are trying to not make an enemy here right?"

"I'm sure I can get him on our side, but do you really want this scumbag on our side?"

"I did say you two have a lot in common~." Rin whispers from Kazuma's other side.

"…Then I have leeway to make that happen?"

"…What exactly are you planning?"

"I'm just going to tell him the truth~." Kazuma says before clearing his throat.

"This magic can do a great many things, and due to it's origins can bypass magical resistance of every being in this world."

"That would be quite the claim, but how do I know you're not just making this up?"

"One of those spells is called 'steal' and-"

"Oh no…" Rin mutters.

"With enough practice and a bit of luck, you can take anything from someone, including their underwear!"

"…Kinda bought this one on yourself Rin." Shirou says, further annoying Rin.

"Absurd!"

"I've already taken three women's panties…I'll give you a chance to guess one of those three~." Kazuma asks and Shinji sputters a moment when he sees Rin scowl and blush.

"Oh my God…" Shinji says, making Rider look at him.

"Master please tell me you're not-"

"I'll gladly join you and swear my loyalty!"

Shirou and Rider cup their heads.

Rin is a blushing, open mouthed and scowling with clenched fists.

Kazuma smiles at her distraught.

"Do you really think will end well for you?" Rin asks.

"Big talk from someone offering an innocent person as bait earlier and promising to shoot me if I tried anything...I have wonderful hearing." Kazuma says, shocking Rin.

"Please teach me this spell now!"

Kazuma pales.

"I uh…can't…" He says and Shinji's smile falls to crestfallen disdain.

"You promise me the world and pull it back just like that…You are truly contemptible."

"It's not like I have any control over it and-"

"Rider, activate your Noble Phantasm and liquefy them! Except Rin~." Shinji says, getting a groan from Rin as Rider does a quick chant, the sky quickly becoming blood red, followed by the collapse of a hundred odd students and various coughs are heard. Shirou and Rin slouch a moment before righting themselves. Kazuma is oddly unaffected as he looks at Rin.

"Took care of the sigils you said, it'll be fine you said, Sakura will be here you said…None of that was true! This is why I don't go to school anymore!"

 

[Davos]

"Not the time, we need to stop-" The sound of a window smashing open stops Rin. Looking over they see Shinji and Rider outside and heading towards the roof.

"Considering we are going to die, I think this is the time!" Kazuma says.

"We won't die! We can summon our servants with a command seal and-" Rin says.

"Why do you even care if I am interested in Sakura? Are you actually jealous~?"

"Of all the- No you dunce! I just don't want you going after my sister!" Rin shouts before blanching and cupping her head.

"She's your sister?!" Kazuma and Shirou ask at the same time.

"This is not the- What in the…?" Rin freezes at the sight down the hall. Turning around Shirou and Kazuma see a skeleton with a blade…then a few dozen more.

Rin summons archer.

Shirou Kazuma promptly summon their servants too, who begin attacking the skeletons…Except for Lancer.

"I don't know, you sure you don't want to form an alliance with them?" Cu asks with a grin.

Kazuma raises his hand, silently threatening another command seal, and making Cu go and clear a hallway.

Kazuma looks at Rin flatly as they ascend towards the roof.

"…What drivel are you thinking?"

"And I thought Shinji was contemptible, but offering up your sister?"

"I would have killed you if you made a move on her you pervert."

"I'm not a pervert! I'm a healthy young man with a healthy interest in women!"

"…Are you seriously saying that to me now? Besides, the ploy got your shut in ass out here didn't it?" Rin asks with a grin.

"I am not a shut in! I died outside multiple times!" Kazuma says as they open the door to the roof and collectively blanch at the sight before them.

Shinji flat on his ass, looking in horror and panic as Rider is stabbed by Medea's jagged blade, the book in his hand now nothing but ashes on the ground.

"What just happened?"

"I used my Noble Phantasm, Rule Breaker, to make your servant my own and- Huh?" Medea staggers back a step when Rider hugs her.

"What are you doing?"

"Showing my appreciation to a benevolent master…" Rider says with a smile.

"…But I haven't done anything but stab you."

"It's better than what he has done…before we go, can I kill him?" Rider asks, making Medea blink under her hood.

"Uh…Sure? May I ask why?"

"Yeah, Rider, why!?" Shinji asks with undue guts before seeing Rider turn to him while cracking her knuckles and taking off her blindfold, her eyes smile of anticipation sending shivers through Shinji.

"You convinced my original Master, Sakura, to give her seals to you, sexually assault her nearly every day on top of verbal abuse, is a contemptible young man who has leered at me every possible chance, and if I were to be wholly honest…your face is begging to kicked in and thrown off this roof."

"We should watch and let things play-" Rin starts to say before Kazuma slams the door open.

"He's done what to Sakura?!" Kazuma yells out while walking out onto the roof.

"It would be swifter to list what he hasn't done." Rider says, about to continue until she sees Kazuma start kicking Shinji. After a moment of shock she joins in, kicking her former master on the other side, leaving Medea, Rin, and Shirou to watch in shock; Rin walks out and joins them in kicking Shinji as well, surprising Kazuma and Rider.

"He's leered at me too…Also can you turn this field off?" Rin says while still kicking him.

"I already lessened so it won't harm anyone but will leave them unconscious…giving us extra time~." Rider says with a smile before resuming to kick the whimpering Shinji.

'…I'm surprised I'm not the villain here.' Medea thinks.

'Can't save him…' Shirou thinks, before seeing them all speak to each other in a whisper. Then Kazuma and Rider heft Shinji up and throw him off the roof like a javelin, and Rin tags him with a gander shot.

They all look to the sky with smiles on their face as Shinji disappears from view.

"…Are you sure you don't want to join forces?" Medea asks.

"I'm not giving up Cu."

"…The offer still stands when he dies from other means. I doubt the twin tailed girl will be as steadfast an ally as me~." Medea says before taking to the air with Rider.

"How dare- Ugh!" Rin says while clutching her head. Then she hurries down the stairs.

"Kazuma, call off Cu! He's attacking Archer again!"

===

Saber watches the two servants attack each other when the three masters enter the area.

"Cu, what the Hell?"

"He has Caladbolg; that is Fergus' weapon! This guy is beyond suspicious!"

"He's just a weeb for European stuff."

"I am not!"

"Give me one reason not to skewer you here and now!"

"This is not the time! Did you forget Heracles exists?!" Rin shouts.

"Plus there is the whole matter now with Rider being one Caster's servants." Shirou says making Archer look wide eyed at him.

'What?! How the Hell did that happen?!' Archer thinks in abject shock before looking over at Kazuma.

"You got something to say?"

"I know Rider's identity." Archer says, shocking everyone.

"How do you possibly know that? Or are you going to say amnesia again?" Cu asks.

"Selective amnesia~." Archer says, eliciting a stab from Cu.

Rin looks at Kazuma.

"I'm not wasting a seal on this. From what I know, generalized commands don't really work. " Kazuma says, getting a laugh from archer and a glare from Rin.

"Why are you-" Kazuma stops when Rin points to the ceiling and blows out a chunk of the material before training her hand on his head.

"…Is this how you treat an ally? What have I done to deserve this?"

"Are you seriously asking me that right now?"

"Other than the accidental stealing of your plain underwear!"

After resisting a murderous urge, Rin gestures to Cu still trying to kill archer.

"…Maybe they'll become best friends after fighting it out?"

"Never!"

"Not in a hundred lifetimes!"

"Wait a minute…can't you just use a command seal to make Archer tell us the truth? Or are you going to continue holding that information to yourself to give you an advantage?" Kazuma asks.

"…Much as I dislike agreeing with him, he has a point Tohsaka." Shirou says.

"It's only an advantage if I know who he is…as for using a seal to do that, I can't." Rin says, holding up her hand to show only one seal.

"What did you use the first one on?" Kazuma asks, making Archer laugh again as he parries Cu's spear.

"…A general order to make Archer obey me…"

"How's that working out for you?" Kazuma asks with crossed arms and a smug grin despite the magical finger gun jamming into his head.

Shirou looks at the scene of two servants fighting, two masters glaring at each other, and Saber watching listlessly, and feeling himself become vacant eyed.

'…With allies like these…'

===

Eventually the makeshift group returns home, Cu eventually realizing he cannot get through Archer's defenses, and Archer being unable to best Cu.

Taiga naturally challenges Rin and Archer to a duel before they can stay there.

They both won, and Taiga is nearly in tears at the more crowded dinner table.

"…Don't you think it's cheating to use magic in your limbs to win a mock sword fight?" Shirou asks Rin in a whisper.

"Between Caster matching our numbers, Heracles being a problem, and whatever Kirei has in the church, I didn't think us staying separated would be a good idea…"

"Indeed…it as I predicted." Kazuma says while fanning himself with a white fan.

"…Predicted what? And why are we having Chinese style meat buns tonight?" Sakura asks.

"Because we have entered the 'Three Kingdoms' Period of the war." Kazuma says while looking squarely at an annoyed Archer, a vein on his head threatening to rupture.

Shirou and Rin look on in growing exasperation.

Sakura and Taiga are still confused.

Saber eats her fourth meat bun.

"That is hardly the proper line for this situation." Archer says with a clenched fist at his side.

"Much as I hate agreeing with this ugly bastard-"

"Why you-"

"He's right…because…~" Cu says with a grin before pulling out his own fan, making Archer groan.

"The enemy is at Fuyuki Church!"

"That's just plain wrong!"

"I would rather wrong others than allow them to wrong me!" Cu and Kazuma say at the same time.

"I am the-" Archer takes a deep breath and stops himself.



===

Rider and Medea arrive at the temple, and Rider pales before readying her weapon at the sight near the gate.

"Relax Rider…he is not a threat."

"How can you say that Master?" Rider asks before the figure opens its mouth, a croaking sound escaping its scarred throat.

"Kill me…it burns…."

 

[Davos]

The next morning, Taiga and Sakura left for their respective homes to handle matters, leaving the trio of master and servants to discuss their options.

"…I think we should approach Illya." Rin suggests.

"No." Kazuma promptly says.

"I'm not a fan of this option either but-"

"But nothing, you saw how badass her servant was, she has no reason to join forces with us!" Kazuma says.

"She will, if she thinks what Kirei has in the church is a threat, which is where you come in!"

"You expect me to negotiate again after how horribly the one with Shinji went? And I suspect despite her shortness and murderous urges, she is much smarter than she appears."

"He has a point master. I doubt Illya will see much point in joining forces when she can merely force her way." Archer says.

"So you can't flub the truth for your own gain again?"

"I don't lie! And I think she'll buy it! She reminds me a bit of a mad mage I knew, who despite her quirks is rather intelligent."

"You got a better plan to deal with Caster with her reserve of mana on a ley line then?" Rin asks.

Kazuma remains silent.

Shirou stands up after eating and heads for the door. Saber follows him.

"I'm heading to Taiga's, I'll be safe. I doubt anything will be accomplished today between their bickering and general uncertainty."

"I will not-"

"I will use a command seal if need be." Shirou says, cutting off Saber.

"What makes you so sure Taiga's place is safe?" Cu asks.

"…There's usually a lot of people there. I doubt Caster will attack that in broad day light."

"A dozen family members is not exactly enough for safety." Saber says.

"It's more like a hundred people."

"Why does she have a hundred people?"

"They…work for her family." Shirou says before leaving. Archer glances at him with a raised brow.

'Odd….usually he would stay and join the strategy meeting or go for training…then again this whole time line is messed up.' Archer thinks before glancing at Kazuma, who meets his gaze.

Shirou returns later that night with two suitcases.

"Will you give it a rest? I'm not going!" Kazuma says.

"…I'll join you and Sakura for an outing the next day." Rin says and Kazuma agrees after setting terms for no magic and murder, making Shirou grimace.

===

The next day they wake up early to begin the long trek to the Einzbern castle, eating a simple breakfast of cold leftovers and wait by the gate for Shirou.

"Sorry, this took a little longer than I expected to get on." Shirou says as he approaches the gate.

"About time, what was taking you so-ooo…" Rin trails off when she sees Shirou approach in a black suit and trench coat, a suit case in hand.

"That's…fine…" She says, still looking at Shirou with wide eyes.

"You're drooling." Kazuma whispers, making Rin blush and dab at her mouth with a handkerchief. When there is nothing on it, she glares at Kazuma.

He grins before chancing on Saber's face.

She is pale, open mouthed, and croaking slightly.

"…You ok Saber?" Cu asks.

Saber does not respond, instead merely looking more vacant eyed, muttering 'it's happening again…'.

Even Archer is shocked.

Eventually Rin recovers as they near the castle.

"…Einzbern castle has a defense system that won't let anyone near it, making them get turned around and leave the forest if they approach. I had planned some measure to bypass it but…"

"Illya wants us to approach."

"I think she wants to take us out in one swoop." Cu says, getting begrudging agreements from everyone as they approach the castle gate.

They open of their own accord with a magestic creak and no one nearby.

Kazuma turns around, getting three pairs of hands on him to prevent his escape.

Cu's, Rin's, and Shirou's.

"…Do none of you see how bad a castle gate opening on it own is? That is literally the start of a horror movie!"

"We're already here. May as well see what's inside." Cu says as he drags Kazuma to the inside of the castle. After a few slow steps inside, a wave mana swarms them.

===

Rin looks around, pointing her hand in a circle, ready to shoot the first thing she sees, almost leading to her shooting Saber.

"What the…?" Rin asks before lowering her arm.

"…I think Illya used that magic to separate us."

"Great...divide and conquer…" Rin says before looking at the long ornate table.

"Hopefully they aren't too far…" Saber says before leading Rin out of the room.

"…You seem to know where you are going?"

"That…is a story for another time…" Saber says.

===

Archer's eye twitches when he sees he is alone with Shirou in a random hallway.

'In most other circumstances this would be ideal…' He thinks before sighing and going down a hallway before sidestepping a dive bombing bird of wire. He cuts it down with his short sword and turns his gaze down the hall, seeing three more. Then one turns into a swrod and plunges straight for Shirou at a blazing speed. Archer slashes it with relative ease.

'Well, can't let him die yet…' Archer thinks with a grimace before the birds fly off, knowing they cannot best a servant.

===

Kazuma and Cu wind u in the garden, Kazuma pale faced, Cu grimacing at the sight before them.

Illya sitting in a chair humming happily with a maid at each side, one of those maids holding a halberd, and Heracles behind her, staring Kazuma and Cu Chulainn down, just waiting for an order.

"I must say, I thought you would have run away long before coming to my castle, you worm~."

"I thought this party would have more sense…but desperate times…I suspect I know your answer, but how do you feel about joining forces?" Kazuma asks and Illya stares at him a moment before giggling.

"You are very amusing…Maybe I should keep you as a pet jester?" Illya asks while resting her face against her hand while leaning to the right with the smuggest of grins. A moment later it falters.

"Wait, are you serious?"

"In my defense, it wasn't my idea…"

"That makes sense…but why would I ever join forces with anyone? Berserker is unbeatable! And even if he wasn't…You would be the literal last option. I doubt you would even suffice as cannon fodder." Illya says with a squinty eyed smirk, making Kazuma clench a fist.

"No servant is unbeatable missy! Most heroes have a tragic ending!" Cu says.

"True…but I doubt any are as tragic as your circumstances right now, Hound. I'm not even sure you could harm Heracles even if you had a proper master~." Illya says, making Cu frown.

"I did not come here to be abused by an albino loli!" Kazuma shouts.

"I am not a loli! I'm 18!" Illya shouts back while standing with balled fists.

"Talk about stunted as Hell!" Kazuma shouts, making Illya gasp.

"How dare you! I am not-"

"If you were even half as intelligent as you make yourself out to be, maybe you would ask about why we approached you! Do you know about Caster being on top of a ley line with two servants of her own?; Or that the priest has something in the church that made Cu here have a bad feeling?" Kazuma says.

"I knew about Caster, but the priest is new info…"

"Maybe you'll learn more if you stop trying to compensate with your low stature by wearing risqué as hell underwear! I mean seriously! Do you have any idea how disappointing it was to find out you were wearing that?! I had to set it on fire to cleanse my soul!" Kazuma yells, making Illya pale as one of the maids glares at her master.

"What was she wearing?" The servant with squinted eyes asks, making Kazuma confused a moment before he grins.

"Y-you made your point…How about me and Berserker go to the church with you and your group to ascertain and kill this-"

"A thin piece of black material on strings…it can barely be called-"

"You bastard…! Berserker, go and-"

"Illyasviel Von Einzbern! Were you raiding my underwear drawer again!? How did you get past the lock?! It should be magic proof!" The maid asks, making Illya flinch.

"She couldn't, it was one of mine…and one of my favorites too." The other maid says in a slight monotone.

"I'll gladly replace it for you." Kazuma says with a spark in his eye, making Leysritt blush.

"Oh my God…" Cu mutters with a hand at his head

"Leysritt, why did you allow that to happen?!" Sella asks with a hand at her head.

"I didn't, it was an order." Leysritt says.

"Please don't say anything else Leysritt…" Illya says as the other maid grips Illya's shoulder.

"…Sella?"

"30 page treatise on the 'Angel's Poem'. "

"But I already mastered it!" Illya whines.

"You want to make it 50?!"

"…Do I still get-"

"And no dessert." Sella says, making Illya groan with a tear in her eye.

Kazuma nearly collapses from laughter.

'Not at all how I expected this to go…' Cu thinks with a flat stare.

"Can I get dessert if I kill them?"

"Maybe, but that would include the others in the-Illya!" Sella shouts when Cu appears closer, grimacing with his spear trained on Illya.

Only for Leysritt to deflect his spear with the halberd.

"Out of the way!" Cu says, quickly pivoting to kick the maid away, only to have his leg grabbed by Leysritt, stopping and holding him in place.

Before pivoting herself, bringing Cu up over her shoulder and smashing him face first onto the ground, before repeating the maneuver a few more times to Cu's utter shock and pain, making Illya laugh as he is then thrown back across the garden, past Kazuma, and into a pillar.

"What…the Hell?" Cu and Kazuma both ask at the same time.

"Leysritt has strength comparable to a B rank servant." Sella states.

"Cu…"

"B-" Cu moans from the ground.

"The difference isn't that much is it?!"

"Behold, the power of the element of surprise. No one expects the maid to kick ass." Leysritt says in monotone pride.

"How are you still alive?!" Illya asks in between raucous laughter, tears forming at her eyes.

'Starting to wonder that myself…' Kazuma thinks before the ground shakes.

Looking up he sees Heracles approach, his gaze trained skyward.

"I'm surprised you are here young man." Medea says from the roof with Rider by her side.

"How did you get past the security measure?!" Illya and Sella ask at the same time.

"I practice magic from the age of the Gods. I barely noticed your so called 'defenses'~." Medea says, prompting Heracles to jump and raise his blade. Rider removes her mask and in an instant, Heracles turns to stone, falling backwards and crashing to the ground, shattering in multiple places.

"Wha- Medusa?!" Illya shouts in befuddlement as Rider puts her blindfold back on.

"Wait…the famous one?!" Kazuma asks.

"Indeed, and at nearly her full power too." Medea says.

"…I feel that I can get along with her."

"Why am I not surprised?" Cu mutters as he gets up from the ground.

 

[Davos]

Berserker's fractured body is drawn onto itself, forming one piece again and he roars upon his revival.

"Not even that stops him…" Kazuma mutters as Heracles stands up, a chain looping around his neck as a barrage of blasts send him stepping back. As he swings his blade to deflect a new strong of blasts, Rider lands on his shoulder and stabs him in the neck tearing his windpipe out in a single motion before jumping away, leaving the giant to slump onto his knees.

Illya pales when she looks up before Leysritt and Sella take her out of the expected blast radius. When Berserker revives, he is met with an intense singular blast, evaporating his head.

As his head regenerates, Medea lands next to Kazuma, keeping an eye on Cu.

"How many times has your group killed Heracles?"

"One…"

"Each, so three times?"

"No, we only killed him once between the three of us."

"…Was the Gae Bolg unable to kill him?" Medea asks with a scowl, making Cu grimace.

Then an arrow hits Berserker, barely nudging him back as he stands once more.

"Since my true name is known, shall I use my N-"

Medusa is interrupted by another salvo in the floor above, making Heracles stagger back another step.

In the floor above, Archer holds his bow while looking at Shirou in shock.

Shirou is holding a rocket launcher.

"I figured there was no such thing as overkill when it comes to servants." Shirou says before dropping the spent weapon, and Archer still remains quiet.

'What the Hell is wrong with this time line?' Archer thinks as Saber kicks open a door and enters the room.

Medea looks at Saber and nearly falls backwards.

"Are you ok master?" Medusa asks.

"More than ok…she's beautiful~." Medea asks, already estimating her size for a dress.

"I…see…" Rider says.

Cu remains silent.

Kazuma grins.

"If we survive this, I'll introduce you to her…she likes being called Elizabeth~." Kazuma says, making Cu look at him.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful lady…" Medea says, making Cu and Rider stare at them flatly. A purple shadow appears overhead, going straight for Saber with precise, pained steps.

Saber locks blades with him, horror hitting her once again as she looks upon the mouthed and screaming Kojiro, his hair a mess, his skin flayed off every observable part of his body, his teeth sharpened into fangs, the attempt utterly inept given the cuts on the inside of his mouth.

"Lancelot…? How are you- Oh God it's happening again…" She says, deflecting Kojiro's mad blows in a haste.

"Kill….me…"

"By my command seal, stop fighting Saber and use your Noble Phantasm on Berserker!" Medea shouts, making Kojiro shudder before turning to the revived Heracles, striking at the giant, making him bleed but not die.

Shirou throws a bag from the suit case, a string pulling the pins on three dozen grenades, the majority landing near Berserker and Assassin, but some near Medea and Rin.

"You mad man!" Archer says as he heads down and uses Rho Aias in front of Rin; Medea brings up a shield around herself, Medusa, and Kazuma. She purposefully leaves Cu outside of it.

Kazuma sees the grenades and takes off his jacket, covering his head much to the other's surprise.

Saber jumps and glares at Shirou

"What in the Hell do you think you are doing?! Rin and the bastard are still down-"

A deafening bang and blinding light fills the floor below them, making Berserker shout in pain along with most everyone down there. Rho Aias and Medea's shielding did not stop the light and noise, affecting them too.

"Where in the world did you get- Wait…you're his son of course you would-"

"By my command seal, use your Noble Phantasm Saber." Shirou orders, and Saber raises her blade above her head with a twitchy movement, trying to resist the order, one thought in her head as she stares at crowd below.

'It's happening again…!'

"Ex-"

"By My command seal, use your noble phantasm on Saber!" Kazuma says, and Cu, despite being blinded and deaf, uses Gae Bolg and hits Saber, making her cough blood and falter a moment, long enough for Archer to get Rin out of the blast zone and for Kazuma and Cu to take a still blinded and deaf Medea and Medusa.

"-Calibur!" Saber says, her Noble Phantasm squarely hitting Kojiro and Heracles, killing them both in the light before falling to her knee. A minute later, Saber rises weakly to her feet using her sword as an aide, and Archer jumps onto the floor near them, both staring at Shirou with squinted eyes.

"What? It's a war and you were all lined up perfectly. And it was still a chance to take an additional life from Heracles." Shirou says matter of fact,

"You are just like your damned father…!"

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Take it however you wish. You will not be leaving here alive young man." Medea says.

"Should you really be focusing on me when Berserker is here?"

"We have a moment before he revives…enough time to kill you and cover our rear should you try to launch another attack with your last seal."

"You don't have to worry about that." Shirou says before raising his hand.

"I order you to kill yourself Saber."

"What?!" Saber and Medea say at the same before Saber turn her blade onto herself.

"NO!" Archer yells, raising a hand towards Saber as she stabs herself and falls to the ground.

"I'm going to skin you alive!" He shouts at Shirou while grinding his teeth, summon his short swords and throwing them at Shirou with everything he has, ready to close the distance and-

Shirou mutters a word and vanishes, letting the twin blades bounce harmlessly off the wall.

Medea takes out her dagger and stabs Saber.

"What the Hell Caster?!"

"I'm trying to save her! By my command seal, heal your wounds Saber!" Caster says and the blood flow does slow somewhat until Saber coughs, quickening the pace again.

"…The wounds must be too severe…And I had the perfect plan for Elizabeth too!" Medea says, making Saber groan in annoyance as Cu and Kazuma appear along with Rin.

"It's happening again…but this time I'm Diarmuid…!" Saber says with vacant eyes, making Cu look at her in sheer befuddlement.

Kazuma walks closer and extends a hand.

"Heal." He casts and Saber's wounds begin to close, but Saber remains unable to get up.

"Might be best to leave…negotiations are a bust and I doubt we have much more to throw at-" Kazuma starts to say before the last remaining set of doors undamaged from the fighting open, and a golden haired man enters with smugly grinning and scarred Shinji.

"How are you alive?!" Medusa shouts.

 

[Davos]

"She'll make a fine first casualty, Archer~." Shinji says, smiling a moment longer until the blonde man's silence makes him speak again.

"I said-"

"I heard you the first time mongrel. I was simply being polite in letting you believe you had any semblance of control over me. I will kill at my own command, not yours, regardless what that book, undeserving as it is in that monkey's paw you call a hand, suggests." The blonde man says while looking over the various servants and masters.

"…Amusing. So many in one place and so few have died. Yet, I cannot believe any of you are a threat."

Kazuma and Cu recognize the voice.

Archer looks on surprise, rage, and slight panic.

'Why the Hell is he here NOW?' Archer thinks.

"That guy cannot possibly be strong enough to handle everyone here…even with Heracles we should-"

"We don't have the firepower to stop him. He is no ordinary servant; he is Gilgamesh, the original hero…" Archer says, making whoever nearby glance at him with raised eyebrows or look at him in shock.

"I did not expect my true name to be learned already. Congratulations mongrel, for speaking my name with the proper gravitas, you won't be the first one to die!" Gilgamesh says with a shrug and two raised arms.

"But…can't we just use his weakness since we know his name?" Kazuma asks.

"He effectively has no weakness…"

"He can't defeat this many people by himself!" Kazuma says, drawing Gilgamesh's attention.

"You are so very ignorant…I shall enlighten you." He says, raising his hand a dozen circles appear behind him, each one having a sword or spear appear.

One is Gae Bolg, another is Rule Breaker, another is Excalibur…

Everyone looks on in growing dread as even more weapons appear.

Cu and Kazuma look at each other and nod.

Cu has a water bottle, and Kazuma has a bluff.

"I bet you couldn't hit the broadside of a barn!" Kazuma shouts while walking down the hall of the third floor while flipping Gilgamesh the bird.

Shinji is shocked.

The servants are also shocked.

Illya and the maids are stunned at this display and the destroyed castle.

Berserker roars at finally reviving.

Gilgamesh is amused.

Archer sighs before picking up the near comatose Saber.

"And I thought I was stupid in my youth…" He says before hoisting Rin up.

"Wait, what are you-" Rin yelps when he jumps out the window as Gilgamesh laughs while shooting a dozen swords or spears at the running and crying Kazuma.

"Nyahahaha! Where is your earlier bravado, mongrel?" Gilgamesh asks while purposefully missing closer and closer to Kazuma, forcing him to jump from the third floor to the second in a mad dash through a hole.

"B-but Gilgamesh! He's just a small fry! He can't even use magic!"

"So he is a comrade of yours?" Gilgamesh asks, further amused when Shinji starts panicking when Heracles approaches.

Only to be stopped and held in place by chains.

"W-what? How are those chains…" Illya stammers.

"They are especially effective against the divine…And Heracles is a demigod, correct?" Gilgamesh says while lazily firing another salvo, nearly making Kazuma have a heart attack.

"Gae Bolg!" Cu says and Gilgamesh languidly raises an arm.

"Rho Aias." He says, making a majestic shield of flowers appear, easily stopping the weapon, and making Cu try to drink some water to recover from his shock.

Only to find the bottle is cut in half from one of Gilgamesh's attacks.

"Weapons are not the only items in my treasury, and I know about that water trick…it reminds me of a braggart I had the displeasure of knowing eons ago."

'Wait does he know-' Kazuma's thought stops when a section of flooring gives way under him, making him land on the ground floor.

"AHHHH!" Kazuma yells as he is cornered by a series of spears outlining him.

"HAHAHA!" Gilgamesh laughs at Kazuma's crying, barely noticing Archer appear near Illya. Leysritt and Sella stand in front of Illya.

"I'm here to help you."

"We're supposed to believe you?"

"You believe he will be kinder to you?" Archer asks, begrudgingly winning them over and helping them escape.

Medea meanwhile stands over the exhausted Cu Chulainn, Rule Breaker in hand.

"…Something stopping you?" He asks with a neutral voice.

"Kazuma is a young man, and one that appears to not have had to live with his hands for as long as you."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You were the one that pulled me out of Saber's attack earlier, weren't you?"

"Yes…But I didn't think that would matter to you compared to killing your master."

"It doesn't…but between this new threat, and my distaste of being indebted, I'll allow you to live today…Rider…"

Medusa carries the exhausted Cu out of the castle.

"No complaints about us leaving behind Kazuma?" Medea asks.

"The lad has an idea or two….I'm mostly sure." Cu says.

"Unbelievable…What a terrible servant." Shinji says as he sees Medusa jump away, grinning at him as she does.

"Insulting me is one matter…insulting me within hearing distance is quite another." Gilgamesh says before snapping his fingers, impaling Berserker repeatedly, and quickly burning through his lives.

"Am I supposed to be impressed you were manipulated by this liar and let every servant and master leave?" Shinji says, making Gilgamesh's smile fall.

"You really never learned any manners, have you?"

"I don't need manners…By my command seal-"

"You filthy, inbred mongrel!"

"I order you to kill all the other servants and masters!" Shinji says, his book shining brightly a moment.

Gilgamesh laughs with a closed mouth before having the chains wrap around Shinji's neck.

"You are truly contemptible, surpassed only in idiocy. A general command is a waste of a seal…and the last mistake you will make." Gilgamesh says as the chain tightens around Shinji's neck, gargles and groans soon stopping at the sound of a final snapping.

Gilgamesh sighs.

"To think I was thoroughly amused by your antics. Now the day is soured."

"Oh that is just the beginning." Kazuma says, making Gilgamesh raise an eyebrow.

"Do you believe you can best me by yourself? After I defeated Heracles and deflected the Child of Light's ultimate attack?"

"If you are so confident, then allow me do one thing." Kazuma says, hoping the sweat on his neck and his near heart attack pulse aren't noticed.

Gilgamesh crosses his arms and smiles.

"Very well. Amuse me." He says and Kazuma reaches towards him, feeling confident now that there are no women nearby.

"Steal!" Gilgamesh nearly covers his eyes at such a bright light. When he sees what is in Kazuma's hand he pales.

"What? How did you-"

"Hehehe~!" Kazuma says while holding the book Shinji had with command seals that can affect Gilgamesh.

"You would not dare…!"

"By my command seal-!"

===

To everyone's shock, Kazuma leaves the destroyed castle a few minutes later.

"How the Hell did you survive against Gilgamesh by yourself?" Archer asks.

"It's because I was by myself that my 'steal' finally worked. I took that book with one more seal that could make Blondie do anything I wanted." Kazuma says.

"Oh my God…You made the King of Heroes kill himself?!" Archer asks and Kazuma's face freezes in a silly smile.

"You…didn't?"

"I uh…"

"Did you make him go and kill the priest?!" Cu asks with a smile that falls when Kazuma looks to the side.

"What did you do?!" Medea asks.

"I…was nervous and dehydrated so I wasn't thinking properly ok?" Kazuma says before explaining what he ordered Gilgamesh to do.

The servant's mouths hang open.

Rin raises an arm to shoot Kazuma.

Archer moves to stop her.

Then lets her take pot shots at him.

===

"Explosion, Explosion, La La la!"

'I'm… going…to skin….him alive!' Gilgamesh thinks as he does another mid air spin while clapping his hands in the city, singing another verse, drawing stares from passing citizens, his anger growing when mothers tell their children not to look at the strange foreigner.

This humiliation pales to Kirei's laughter at seeing him from further up the road.

"Silence Kirei!…Who is this?" Gilgamesh demands at seeing the red haired young man in a suit with a brief case.

"This Gilgamesh, is a master who just lost his servant and would like to continue participating in the Holy Grail War."

 

[Davos]

"Absolutely not! I entertained this idea already and after that horrid excuse of a master, and this humiliation I suffered from this Kazuma Satou, I will not-"

"You know Kazuma?" Shirou asks.

"Did I give you permission to- wait…you know this Kazuma?"

"Until a few minutes ago we were on the same side, but after this much time with him, I have little reason to-"

"Tolerate him?" Gilgamesh says the same time as Shirou, surprising the young man.

Gilgamesh smiles.

"Well, you are full of surprises Kirei. I will accept this plan for now. Though I do admit after Shinji, the bar is low for my next 'master'."

"Wait, you know Shinji?"

"I knew him. I killed him."

"You bastard!" Shirou says, making Kirei look with widened eyes.

"Watch your tone mongrel. I will-"

"I was going to kill him!" Shirou says, stunning both Kirei and Gilgamesh.

Both remain quiet a moment longer.

Gilgamesh suspects what he is feeling but is not certain, until Shirou asks his next question.

"Did you at least make it painful?"

"He died in tears." Gilgamesh says, now certain what he is feeling as a slight smile creeps up on Shirou's face.

Respect.

Respect for a creature of this period.

Not even he suspected he would come to such a result.

Even Kirei's smug, lightless smile is tolerable.



===

"…Why are you all here?" Rin asks with thinly veiled annoyance.

"You should be grateful I am allowing you this opportunity." Illya says with a tea cup in hand.

"Opportunity?"

"You come to my home, destroy it, leave me destitute, and lead to the death of my servant. Be glad I am offering you this chance of redemption. I'll even offer aid against that insufferable blonde man." Illya says.

"I didn't even cause most of those things!"

"Part of growing up is dealing with things outside your control…but I can understand if you don't want to~."

"I believe this is what Sella calls, 'being a brat', Lady Illya." Leysritt says in monotone.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is, and you still have to write that report!" Sella says from the kitchen, making Illya deflate.

Rin looks over to Caster.

"…I would think after seeing Gilgamesh kill Heracles, you would welcome an alliance." Medea says, and Rin stays quiet before looking over at Kazuma, who is in the kitchen with Sella, Rider, and Archer.

"What's with that stare, Red junior?"

"Pardon me for not feeling enthused about you being in my home."

"Is that any way to talk to me after I saved your ass?" And I can't exactly go back to the residence of the guy that tried to Elizabeth us, now can I?" Kazuma says, getting a weak groan of rage from a couch ridden Saber.

"Don't worry Elizabeth, we'll get that horrible man back." Medea says, drawing another groan.

"I don't think he'll go back home after making enemies of this many servants." Archer says while smoothly cooking some egg rolls.

"Where else can he go?" Sella asks while adding some spices to a soup.

"The church?" Kazuma asks while cooking rice as a dish falls to the ground.

Rider dropped it.

She is blushing while picking it up.

"Don't worry about it, happens to all of us…though you don't really need to be back here. I think us three can handle dinner easily enough so you can relax."

"I…thought I could try to help…" Rider says before tossing the broken plate to the garbage and sitting with a slight blush.

'So cute…' Kazuma thinks with a grin, drawing blank stares from Archer and Sella.

"I don't think he would ever go to the church."

"Did you think he would ever toss a bag of flash bangs and make Saber commit Harakiri?"

"…If he did go to the church then we have nothing to worry about with regards to him. Kirei most likely killed him by now."

"Why's that?"

"Servants need mana to stay in this world. One of those ways is by eating the souls of people, and Gilgamesh remained in this world for over 10 years after the end of the prior Grail war…this was around the time he started taking in orphans from a disaster at the end of said war."

"Oh God…this church is worse than Arcanletia…" Kazuma says with vacant eyes.

After that they set the table and see Saber still cannot rouse herself, even there is mention of meat, and lots of it, causing a groan at her own bodily impotence.

"She's not at risk of dying…so what is wrong with her?" Kazuma asks.

"I am not sure. I think the excess damage, and the exact nature of your healing spell has her in a state of limbo. I am certain an influx of mana can resolve it but…" Caster says before looking over the room of women, a male servant, and Kazuma.

Kazuma gets up and heads over to the couch.

"How depraved…What a lack of decorum." Illya says.

"Not on my couch!" Rin shouts.

"…You are a young man, but can you at least go somewhere private?"

Rider, Sella, and Leysritt remains silent with a flat face.

Archer stands up and grabs Kazuma by the neck. Brow twitching, a vein on his head.

"What the Hell are you all scowling at me for? I'm just giving her mana like I did Cu!"

"Context Kazuma!" Cu Chulainn says as everyone but Archer looks at him.

Except Archer who is stunned at seeing Saber open her mouth.

"Child of Light, everyone is either a servant, and with the exception of Tohsaka, has extensive knowledge mage craft." Illya says.

"Are you seriously insulting me in my own home you freeloader?"

"50 pages." Sella says, getting a whimper from Illya.

"Create water…!" Kazuma says, strained from Archer's grasp, and splashing Saber in the face as she drinks some of the water, starting to revive with wide eyes.

Everyone else is equally wide eyed when Saber sits up, hair wet, her dress soaked, but alert, healthy, and blushing profusely.

Archer let's Kazuma go in shock.

"Why was everyone- wait why are you blushing?" Kazuma asks Saber who grows redder and leaves the room.

Before returning to grab her plate and stops a moment.

She grabs Kazuma's plate as well and leaves the room.

"Hey!"

"There's plenty for another few plates…this is bizarre…" Archer says before going into spirit form with a hand at his head.

Kazuma looks at Cu.

"One of the alternative methods for mana transfer is an exchange of fluids."

"What do you mean fl-Wait…'That' was an option!? So when she opened her mouth I could have…" Kazuma asks, a new regret forming.

'Great…my couch is soaked beyond all repair, and this idiot is going to be inconsolable.' Rin thinks as Medea hands a cup to Kazuma. A moment later she drinks a cup of 'create water' and gasps at the mana richness.

"How are you able to pack so much mana in water?" Medea asks, and Cu does a groaning gasp before standing.

"The potato patch!"

===

"…Why are we here?" Gilgamesh asks, standing the Emiya residence.

"They were staying here with me. Honestly, I'm surprised they aren't all here waiting to ambush me." Shirou says.

"Seeking to counter their ambush with me to avoid having to hunt them down? Surprisingly shrewd, but why would they all be here?"

"For some reason my prior Servant enthralled quite a few of them."

'…Just like that Irish lancer in the last Grail War.' Gilgamesh thinks before spotting a patch of freshly turned dirt. His eyes widen when Shirou throws a grenade at the potato patch, blowing it up.

"…I may no longer need to sustain myself like I did in life, but I do not appreciate wastes of food."

"Likewise, but it was planted by Kazuma."

"Then I shall make an exception. But I do hope you have weapons that do not cause instant death."

"Afraid not, but I do have a counter measure to his 'steal' spell."

"You do? What is it?" Gilgamesh asks, and Shirou explains his plan.

After a moment of disbelief, Gilgamesh laughs uproariously.

 

[Davos]

"You know something has been bugging me…" Kazuma says while looking at Rin.

"And that is?"

"How did Archer know who Rider and Gilgamesh were with no hints?"

"Selective amnesia~." Archer says while in spirit form.

"I will turn into a spirit and kick your ass." Cu says and Archer laughs.

"You expect me to believe you can turn into spirit form when you need water after using your noble phantasm?"

Cu glowers.

"But that aside, there are two things on my mind."

"And those are?"

"What if Shirou isn't dead?"

"I doubt he will be an issue. The only way he'll be relevant now is if he works with Gilgamesh, and he isn't exactly the team player type." Archer says.

"It still might be a situation to ponder…With an unwilling Saber, he did almost kill us all…if he were to somehow partner with Gilgamesh…" Rider trails off.

"It would be difficult countering whatever machinations they concoct." Sella says.

"True…he is almost as scummy as Kazuma." Rin says, making Kazuma glare at her, before smiling and raising his hand.

Rin brings up her arm for Gandr to begin a cross dimensional magic stand off.

"Will you two grow up?! We have a psychotic Heroic spirit of unbelievable power, possibly with Shirou who has an oddly excellent access of weaponry and dirty tactics! We need to prepare for the off chance that they team up, and dealing with them separately if need be!" Sella shouts.

===

"So…you watch TV a lot?" Shirou asks in the basement with Gilgamesh.

"I do. Between Kirei being a priest in the day light hours, and how vexing the locals are whenever I should be seen during the day, this box has become one way I spend my days." Gilgamesh says before sipping some wine as the shopping channel starts.

"Already own it…already own it…Gah, I own that and I wish I didn't…When does the cooking show start?" He says before taking a sip.

"I thought you don't need to eat food?"

"I don't, but seeing servants cook meals reminds me of home. It is also a surprisingly enjoyable watch before the game shows an hour after them…Ah, the one with blonde man who yells at chefs to intense music!"

'Oh God, he's a bored housewife…' Shirou thinks.

===

"Put down the hand!" Rin says.

"Put down the finger gun!" Kazuma shouts back.

Their bickering continues a moment longer until birds of thin, sharp strings land on their head.

They both put down their arms much to everyone's glee.

"There's still the second thing."

"Something else about Archer?"

"No, when's the outing with Sakura you promised?"

"Oh I lied about that~!" Rin says with a heart warming smile.

Kazuma brings up his hand, his other one flipping off Rin.

Rin brings up her hand, also flipping off Kazuma.

"That's it, I'm going to bed. I'm taking the big room on the second floor near the windows!" Illya says.

"That's my room!" Rin says, running after Illya who is already half way up the stairs. Sella sighs and walks after them. Medea and Medusa go into spirit form.

"…I'm taking a walk." Cu says and leaves the manor.

===

"Which game show is on, young man?" Kirei asks while organizing some papers.

"The historical one…I stopped trying to play when two of the answers were Gilgamesh himself." Shirou says, getting a chuckle from the priest.

"I cannot blame you…he is eerily skilled at the non historical ones too…Never would have imagined a demigod king would know that much about pottery." Kirei muses before looking at Shirou with a lightless smile.

"I am curious though…Did your father really teach you nothing of magic?"

"He tried to dissuade me from that so nothing…what little I do know is from reading the odd book he had."

"May I ask for a demonstration?"

Shirou shows him his strengthening and projection magic, getting a raised brow from the priest.

"…That bad huh?"

"My handling of mage craft is scant compared to mage families, but even I can tell there are issues with your circuits. May I try something?"

Eventually Shirou nods his head, and a moment later the priest places a hand on the back of his neck surges a burst of mana through him, cleaning out and awakening the circuits, sending Shirou to lean against a wall before sitting on a pew, breathing heavily.

"This will pass young man. I suspect you will find magic much easier in a few hours after rest."

"Thank you…but I thought you were supposed to be a neutral party in all of this?"

"The church is…I am not." Kirei says.

'…Another questionable person…but helpful for now.' Shirou thinks behind a neutral face.

'Yes…Suspect me young man. I cannot wait to fight with an Emiya again~.' Kirei thinks.

A moment later Shirou stands and goes to the basement.

"Pardon me Gilgamesh, but I need to go somewhere."

"Then go. It is barely evening."

"…It's eight at night." Shirou says, causing Gilgamesh to look at a clock.

"Oh It is. Very well, we have an hour before the one show. Let us make haste. Where are we going?"

"The Matou household." Shirou says, getting an amused brow raise from Gilgamesh.

===

Cu studies the surroundings of the Emiya estate, confident there is no one with mana nearby and heads to the spot, bumping into Taiga at a corner.

"Cu! Have you seen Shirou?!" Taiga asks with a furrowed brow.

"Not for a bit, why?"

After a moment of silence, Taiga leads him to the potato patch, dirt and shrapnel lining the top layer and around it.

Cu falls to his knees and begins digging with his hands.

"C-Cu! There are shovels nearby! But I don't think there is anything-" Taiga stops when she hears him start laughing with tears in his eyes, holding up a small handful of potatoes.

===

"I can understand being taken in by a young woman, and I know my methods of courting are not…common in this age, but I did not expect you to partake in this." Gilgamesh says when Shirou reappears.

"It's not like that…though I do admit to having a soft spot for Sakura." Shirou says with a frown.

"…Why are you forlorn? I was under the impression this was a common act for adolescents of this time and bought them joy." Gilgamesh asks, making Shirou look at him.

"…Common?"

"It is commonly expressed on the Television, and mentioned a few times by people in the confession booth. Is it not a routine behavior of young men?"

"No! Wait, I thought you had an understanding of this world upon materialization years ago?"

"I do, but sexual practices of this period are not one of those areas the Grail enlightens me on…Are you telling me such depravity is not a common occurrence?"

"No! It's a crime! And not typically done at that!"

"So the television has lied to me…Another target for my revenge." Gilgamesh says with a balled fist.

"Wait…what shows do you watch that mention this?"

"I saw it in passing on oddly drawn shows and ones that have an excess of explosions and violence…speaking of violence, what time is it now?" Gilgamesh asks.

"8:45." Shirou says and Gilgamesh's eyes widen.

"We need to hurry. Kamen Rider is on at 9!"

'…What?' Shirou thinks in abject shock as they return to the church.

 

[Davos]

"Get out of my room!" Rin shouts as Kazuma, Sella, and Leysritt enter the room to find Illya holding onto a bed post while being pulled by her ankles by Rin.

"It is…proper decorum…to sleep on the couch… and offer a guest the bed!" Illya says while being stretched by Rin.

"You…are not…a guest!" Rin says with sweat forming on her brow at trying to pry Illya off her bed.

"Aren't there other beds in this giant place?" Kazuma asks.

"They're all dusty!"

"What do you mean they're dusty? Are your maids on vacation?"

"I don't have maids." Rin says, getting a chuckle from Illya.

"Aren't you rich?"

"…I was."

"You're that bad with money?"

"Kirei is…he's my legal guardian; At first, I thought he was messing up my family's finances, but then I saw what his ledger for the church looked like and knew that this was him doing his best…I'm still surprised it hasn't been foreclosed…and I am not able to clean this place while still going to school." Rin says, making Sella sigh.

"Cleaning mode activate?" Leysritt asks.

"Cleaning mode activate…" Sella says and they go to the closet.

Archer sighs and joins them.

"Not that I don't want the help with this place, but why are you so skilled at domestic matters? I thought Heroic spirits would not be this comfortable with a broom and skillet."

"…I grew up alone for the most part so I learned these skills."

"Peculiar…regardless, thank you." Sella says as they get to cleaning a few rooms before hearing a cry of true despair from Rin's room.

===

"Rider, KICK!" Gilgamesh says in perfect timing with the opening while raising a glass of wine to the over the top scenes.

Shirou cannot hide his shock and wonderment.

"…Why are you enjoying this? I would think this would be near the top of the list of things you dislike about this age."

"So did I upon seeing the costumes and iffy acting…but the greater surprise when I felt a connection with the hero."

"You? Felt a connection with…him?" Shirou asks while gesturing to the green man spinning on the ground in obviously seen editing to make him appear faster.

"The visuals aside, I cannot help but identify with a man at the prime of his life, powers beyond most, almost shackled to the will of another." Gilgamesh says before gasping at this episode's villain landing a strong blow on Kamen Rider.

"When you word it like that…it makes sense. I need some fresh air." Shirou says before leaving the basement in a daze.

Kirei notices his befuddlement.

"Kamen Rider, or another voicemail begging Gilgamesh to return to phone sex?"

"Kame R- Wait, phone sex?!"

"Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly depending on your view of humanity, lots of people pay to be called 'mongrel' and he has a nice voice…it actually kept the lights on in the church more times than I like to admit." Kirei says with a side long glance.

"What the f-"

===

Archer, Leysritt, and Sella enter the room with short swords, halberd, and a bottle of air freshener in hand. They stop when they see Rin crying and slamming a fist on the ground, Illya laughing on the bed, and Kazuma smiling smugly.

"…What happened here?" Archer asks.

"Kazuma cheated and stole my room!"

"I didn't cheat you lying- we played 7 rounds! How do you explain me cheating that many times at rock paper scissors?!"

"You betted your room in rock paper scissors?" All three adults ask at the same time as Cu is passing by with a small bag in hand.

"It was the only way to get them both to listen!"

"Stop being such a- nyahaha! Sore sport Tohsaka. He even-"

"Don't you dare tell them!" Rin says.

"….He told Rin what he was going to throw out, threw it out, and still won!" Illya says with the smuggest grin, making Rin claw at her hair as Archer, Sella, and Leysritt look on with a groan of stunned pain and pity.

"How do you possibly lose in that case?" Cu and Archer ask at the same time.

"I thought he was bluffing when he said 'rock', thinking I would throw 'paper' to beat his 'rock'; But I knew, or thought I knew…that he would throw 'scissors' to beat my 'paper', but then I know he knew, so I would instead throw 'rock', so he would throw 'paper', so NATURALLY I threw 'scissors' while pretending to thank him for the win by telling me he was going to throw 'rock'! Then the bastard kept his word and threw rock!" Rin says before taking badly needed breath slamming a fist into the ground.

The servants, Illya, and Kazuma take a moment to understand that, before they all look at Kazuma.

"I just pitied her after my third win." Kazuma says, making Rin cry out and tear at her hair again.

'This is my Master and talented heir of a magus family…' Archer thinks with a grimace and hand at his head.

"And don't forget what you promised to make me go to best out of 5~." Kazuma says with a wide grin, making Rin glower.

'Can't believe I have to actually go on an outing with him and Sakura now…'

===

"Why are you certain they will listen to this letter?" Kirei asks in confusion.

Gilgamesh is intently watching Kamen Rider and ignoring them.

"It's not like they can attack the church, and if they are staying at Rin's place, we can't really attack them, and even with Gilgamesh's amazing abilities, I don't see the point in letting them use a leyline to their advantage."

"But are you really capable of taking that woman's life?"

"I'm not going to threaten Taiga. But they'll likely think I will after my recent behavior, and Taiga is temporarily out of town at my request so they can't ascertain that." Shirou says, and the priest starts to smile.

"How astute. You use their ill view of you while doing nothing dastardly to manipulate your opponents into a situation entirely to your benefit. You are diabolical young man."

"I am a protector." Shirou says, and Kirei merely continues to smile while studying Shirou a moment in his black suit.

He extends a hand holding a pack of cigarettes.

Shirou's eyes widen.

"Are you offering me a smoke? I'm a minor!"

"Apologies, I thought it would complete the look." Kirei says before pocketing the box.

 

[Davos]

Kazuma is humming at the breakfast table with a smile on his face.

Rin is frowning and barely eating.

Illya is trying not to laugh at her, but lets out a giggle every so often.

Saber is eating in another room after taking her breakfast with red cheeks.

The maids keep neutral faces as they eat.

Kazuma finishes first and looks at Rin.

"I'm not even done yet…Stow it."

"I'm just helping make sure you keep your word." Kazuma says, making Rin nearly bend the fork in her fist before leaving.

Cu comes into the manor, dirt on his clothes.

"At go through the side exit so you don't dirty the rug!' Rin snaps before sighing.

"Sorry…I didn't sleep well last night."

"No worries…Are you that unused to the other beds?"

"No, it was me realizing he was in my room last night, unattended with my closet…No amount of bleach will clean it now, I'm going to have to replace my wardrobe…" Rin says with vacant eyes.

"I didn't do anything to your clothes." Kazuma says, drawing flat stares from everyone present.

Even Cu looks at him.

"I didn't! Wait…why are you dirty?"

"I saved and replanted the potatoes!"

"Don't grow food in other people's lawns!" Rin says while pointing a finger at Lancer.

"You'll…get a portion?" He says, making Rin rub her temple as she goes to make a phone call.

"Should you really be doing this when those two are running around plotting something?" Illya asks with a flat stare, making Kazuma look away.

'I'm still thinking on that…I really don't want to think about what horrible things they are doing right now…'

===

Shirou watches Gil paint an extra bush on a canvas as a bushy haired man says 'this bush will be our little secret.'.

"There are more canvas in that closet, and I am willing to lend one if you are bored."

"…Sure. I got a few hours before I have to go train or drop that letter." Shirou says and a few minutes later he is painting nature scenery with the King of Heroes.

===

"I…Didn't expect you to invite me to an outing Tohsaka. I also didn't expect Satou to be here." Sakura says as they board a train.

"Please, call me Kazuma."

"O-ok…Kazuma"

"Sorry about that…" Rin says with slumped shoulders.

"Why are you sorry? He's been pleasant." Sakura says, making Kazuma smile.

"…We're talking about the same guy right?" Rin asks while pointing at him, making Kazuma's brow twitch.

"Yes. He is a nice young man." Sakura says.

Rin is unable to form words upon hearing that string of words.

Kazuma stays quiet and smiles before chatting with Sakura.

When they get off the train Rin recovers.

"Him? Nice?"

"Yes…Shirou vouched for him, and he helped me in the kitchen….Why are you asking this if you're here?" Sakura asks with a head tilt.

"I…uh…"

"She's here to make sure I don't get lost or do anything bad." Kazuma says, making Sakura wide eyed.

"I didn't realize you had that kind of relationship…" Sakura says with red cheeks, making Rin and Kazuma stare at her flatly, making her shiver from their combined glare.

"We don't." They say at the same time, making Sakura shiver more.

"S-sorry…"

"No…I'm sorry…" Rin says.

"Same here…though I don't know how you came to that conclusion…but if you want to prove you're sorry…~" Kazuma says with a smirk, making Sakura wide eyed and Rin glare at him now.

"You better not-"

"Have a good time today and smile a lot." Kazuma says and Sakura relaxes with a giggle.

"You are such a terrible joker Kazuma."

Rin is about to warn Sakura to be careful, but her smile disarms her.

She still keeps an eye on Kazuma during their café lunch and walk through the park.

It was a pleasant day or good food, good company, and utterly normal.

Rin hates it is with Kazuma.

But she maintains a pleasant enough front as they head home over the train.

During the train ride, the rush hour crowd surges in, making things cramped.

Rin notices two smirking middle aged men near them get closer…and closer still, making Sakura grimace and Rin frown.

'Great, this was his idea and he isn't even here…and I can't exactly use magic in a train…oh God are we going to-'

"Hey get your hand off my-"

"Drain touch." A familiar voice says followed by two screams.

"Oh my God! These two old men just collapsed! They might be having a stroke! Is there a doctor on board!?" Kazuma yells out. During that bit of bedlam, they arrive at their stop and leave.

"Thank you for the pleasant day…I think I needed that after Shinji's disappearance…" Sakura says before leaving.

Rin and Kazuma walk back to her place in silence until Rin stops with a short yell.

"What is your deal?!" Rin asks.

"The Hell are you talking about?" Kazuma says.

"You steal my underwear, annoy the Hell out of me every chance you get, kick me out of my bedroom while making me look like a fool, and have your servant plant vegetables in my yard-"

"I didn't do that last one, and you made yourself look like an idiot on your own!"

"And then you take me on a nice day with my sister and save us from molesters!"

"Isn't that a good thing?!"

"It is, and it is causing me a great deal of mental dissonance! Please tell me you're planning something nefarious!" Rin says.

"I'm not!"

"Please tell me you're lying!"

"Do you want me to plan something evil? Do you want me to steal your underwear again? Would that make you happy?!"

"It would make sense!" Rin says before realizing something.

'Oh God, did I just indirectly ask him to steal my panties?'

"You got issues lady."

"Screw you!"

"You can have your bed back if it'll calm you down."

"It won't!"

"Why not?!" Kazuma asks outstretched arms.

"I don't know! But you being nice is not helping!"

"Screw you!"

"Better!" Rin says and they go back to her place, equally confused about the other. Inside they see Illya and the servants around the table with a letter.

'To the Tohsaka, Medea, and Satou group, we will be at the Einzbern castle tomorrow evening to settle this due to the lack of appropriate settings for a servant battle. If you should decide to not show, Taiga Fujimura's life will be forfeit.' The letter is from Shirou and the return address is the Fuyuki church.

"He's bluffing. He would never harm Taiga." Archer says.

"Like he wouldn't kill Saber or team up with Gilgamesh?" Medusa asks, making Archer groan a moment later.

"There is something fundamentally wrong with this time line…" He says with a hand at his head.

 

[Davos]

"Time line?" The others ask.

"…Since we are going to go to the final battle soon, there is little point in keeping it a secret. I do not have amnesia."

"I knew it!" Cu says.

"So what is your true name? And why didn't tell me earlier? It's not like I was at risk of hypnosis like Shirou or Kazuma." Rin says.

"Because it was an easier answer than explaining myself."

"How is amnesia easier than just an introduction?" Medea asks.

"Because not all servants are from the past…my true name is Shirou Emiya." Archer says, stunning most everyone into silence.

"Emiya?! You're…How in the-" Rin trails off into silence.

"You appear to be a fairly normal teenager here…how did you become a heroic spirit?" Medea asks.

"Made a contract with Gaia…Technically I am a Counter Guardian, not a true Heroic Spirit."

"That doesn't explain how you got Fergus' sword!" Cu says, spear raised. He stops when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Glancing over he sees Leysritt looking at him. Cu grimaces.

"No fighting inside. The last time this happened we had to move here." Sella says, and Cu lowers his weapon.

"So you are a weeb obsessed with Europe?" Kazuma asks while writing on a piece of paper.

"No you degenerate idiot. In my time line I was killed by Cu Chulainn so I sought ways to counter him during my life!"

"…Why?"

"Because after I made a deal with Gaia to become a Heroic Spirit, I knew I would eventually return to this Grail war, so I studied up on the present servants."

"That explains you knowing their names…But why were you so surprised by the events the last few days?" Kazuma asks while continuing to write.

"Because this time line is absurd! And the only one where you are here."

"So what happens to us in your time line? Or time lines you saw?" Medea asks.

"The details differ, but you all usually die. Either to Gilgamesh or each other."

"What about me?" Cu asks.

"You're usually Kirei's servant, and either die fighting Gilgamesh, ordered to kill yourself, or die suddenly to an enemy in what I thought was the worst time line before this one."

"That's a shame…Bazett deserved better."

"…Why were you so enraged at my near death?" Saber asks.

"We were on much better terms in my time line…I did not find out about you being the cause of the fire until near the end of the Grail war and that you did not cause it on purpose…so seeing this version of myself is especially…" Archer trails off with a closed fist. Then he looks over and sees Kazuma putting down a pencil.

"What are you writing?"

"A counter offer to Shirou." Kazuma says.

"A counter- Are you seriously bargaining with Taiga's life?!"

"I'm taking an educated gamble." Kazuma says, causing Archer to squint at him.

"…You got one minute before I strike you down."

Kazuma recaps the letter to them, causing Archer and Rin to pale before glaring at him.

"Just when I was starting to think you had a decent side!"

"I'm killing you." Archer says, short swords in hand.

"No you won't. Violence is prohibited indoors." Leysritt says in monotone.

"You cannot stop me so stand aside." Archer says, making Cu grin.

"I do not take orders from you."

"Not the Shirou I wanted to see hurt, but beggars can't be choosers." Illya says, giving a thumbs up Leysritt. Sella sighs and nods her head.

Archer dashes forward, blade aimed for Kazuma, only to be deflected easily by Leysritt. In the split second of shock, Leysritt pivots, striking Archer with the flat of her blade and sends him flying through the window.

Rin's mouth hangs open, the other servants stare in shock, except Cu who starts chuckling.

"My window!"

"You destroyed our home. You hardly have grounds for complaining~." Illya says with a smirk as Rin turns back to look at a proud looking Leysritt.

"She's a homunculus and even as a newer spirit he should…" Rin trails off.

"She has strength comparable to a B rank servant." Sella says.

"…Archer?"

"D rank…"

Cu goes to his knees, shaking and slamming a fist onto the ground.

"Even with this big a difference in master's and knowing how to counter me, you're still weaker! GAHAHAHA!"

"I'll just send this out." Kazuma says as Leysritt and Archer continue their fight in the lawn.

"Can you water the potatoes on your way back?"

"Sure." Kazuma says, dropping the letter off and watering the potatoes as Emiya fights for his life from a normally stone faced maid that is now smiling.

===

Later that night Kirei goes to the basement, letter in hand. He sees Gilgamesh and Shirou watching Kamen Rider while eating popcorn.

"…Where did you get popcorn?"

"Gate of Babylon."

"That could have helped keep costs down…You have mail young man."

"I do?" Shirou asks before taking the letter and reading it, standing with a gasp.

"That bastard!"

"What did he say?" Gilgamesh asks.

"He gave me a counter offer of a week, told me not to harm Taiga, or that he would do unspeakable things to Sakura!"

"…I did not expect this visitor to have such mercilessness to him. He rivals some mages." Kirei says.

"They're definetly planning something…"

"Let them plan. They have no hope against us. If they did they would not have asked for a week." Gilgamesh says flatly.

"And this is an opportunity to better yourself. I actually have an inclination to teach you some magic I taught Tohsaka years ago that will be of aid to you."

"You taught Tohsaka?"

"I became her legal guardian after her father perished in the last Grail War. Part of that included her tutelage of the arcane."

"…Very well. I'll just send a reply back."

"Rider….Kick!"

"After this episode."

'Oh God, another basement dweller…I'm not sure I can afford two of them…Wonder if he would consider phone sex work as part of his training?' Kirei thinks while leaving, outlining a lesson plan for Shirou in the morning.

===

"…So, you became a heroic spirit in part because you saw yourself as a heroic spirit? Isn't that a paradox?" Kazuma asks at the breakfast table.

"I had the dream before all this…as for seeing myself as a hero when I am not and how it affected me, I'm not entirely sure how it works either."

"I'm pretty sure me, Medea, and the two mages can understand it." Cu says.

"You?" Archer asks.

"My spear reverses causality. I had a rigorous education on top of physical training." Cu says.

"Possibly, but I still do not fully understand it." Emiya says.

"…You made a contract without understanding the details?" Kazuma asks.

"I was young and stupid."

"I'm about the same age and I wouldn't do that."

"You also bungled into a Holy Grail War during your vacation and died enough times to be on a first name basis with a Goddess of the departed!"

"I refuse to call this a vacation!"

"I really don't-" Archer stops when he hears Rin scream from her room.

They run up, kick open the door and see Rin with her hand on the phone, scarlet faced and stammering.

"What happened?!"

"I misdialed!" Rin shouts.

"What?"

Rin refuses to answer.

===

Kirei almost grins when he sees Shirou leave the confession booth with the phone, scowling and red faced.

"I did not think this would be too much for you after your visit to the Matou residence." He says, hiding his grin before going to sip some tea.

"…Tohsaka was on the other side."

Kirei drops the tea, the cup shattering.

"Did you just break one the tea cups Kirei?! Using my silverware to lower expenses does not work when you break them!" Gilgamesh shouts while ascending the steps.

'…I suppose she is at the age, but this?…I'm going to have to talk to her at some point…Not sure I would have killed her father if I knew I would have to have this conversation…' Kirei thinks with more than usual lightless eyes.

 

[Davos]

"So…What can Gilgamesh do?" Kazuma asks at the breakfast table.

"He basically has three Noble Phantasms, each one deadlier than the last." Archer says.

"Wait, I thought Servants can only have one? Isn't that their signature attack or something so deeply rooted to their legend?"

"Yes, but it is not limited to one. That said, due to the class system of the Grail War, typically a Servant only has one Noble Phantasm most related to that class. Take myself for example. I have Rule Breaker and magic, but it is entirely possible that I could have the Golden Fleece as a Noble Phantasm if I manifest as another class…or healing…" Medea says with a frown.

"…You ok Master?" Medusa asks.

"Yes, just recalling my youth and my prior master…both terrible memories."

"I thought you liked Souichirou?" Rin asks.

"Not him; There was someone before him, a most unpleasant man."

"So what can Gilgamesh do?" Kazuma asks again, and Archer gives a short explanation of the Chains of Heaven Enkidu, Gate of Babylon, and Enuma Elish. Everyone pales when more details are told.

"…Not even Eris can help…" Kazuma says with wide vacant eyes.

"…So that's why Heracles couldn't break them…" Illya says.

"Gate of Babylon alone could kill nearly anyone…" Rin says.

"I might be able to temporarily negate Gate of Babylon with my own Noble Phantasm, but if he uses Enuma Elish, it'll tear apart my Noble Phantasm as well as kill us…It'll make the Fire of Fuyuki years ago look like a festive sparkler." Archer says.

"And being an Archer, he has excellent senses so ambushing is unlikely…" Medusa says.

"…So much for using Rule Breaker on him…"

"You have two servants, how many were you planning to control?" Kazuma asks.

"When Heracles was around, the more the better. I would have even taken this Archer."

"You did in one timeline."

"How did that go?"

"Gilgamesh killed you."

"…"

"If only we had something to distract him." Kazuma mutters, and Saber glances away. Kazuma notices the eye movement.

"…No."

"I didn't say anything."

"I know you're thinking something vile…"

"I'm just wondering why you looked away. Wait, you were both in the last war right?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Was he interested in you or something?"

"I am not continuing this conversation." Saber says with a stiff scowl. The scowl is replaced with shock when Medea raises her hand.

"By my command seal, tell us Saber!"

"Caster?! You wretch, this transgression shall not-" Saber manages to say before groaning and straightening up, speaking with a clenched fist.

"He wishes to conquer and own me like another plaything…"

"We can use that!" Kazuma says, and is met with three swords at his head as Saber and Archer glare at him.

"I would rather die than be used as tawdry bait!"

"I would rather kill you then go along with this plan!"

"That can be arranged." Cu says, spear at Archer's back.

"You got a better idea?! I'm all ears!" Kazuma says.

"…I mean…you don't have to do anything lewd…" Rin says, making Saber point her sword at Rin. Archer reluctantly angles one blade at Saber's neck while keeping the other trained on Kazuma.

"Somehow I am not trusting of you." Saber says, taking everyone by surprise.

"Why is that?" Rin asks while pointing a gander ready hand at Saber.

"I was in the adjoining room eating my dinner and heard what you were saying to yourself before that phone call…I did not expect such depraved things to escape your lips Rin." Saber says as Rin blushes as a squeak escapes her lips.

"What depravities did she say?!" Kazuma asks, making Rin point her other hand at Kazuma.

He in turn raises both hands, one pointed at Rin, the other griping her wrist.

Rin aims her other hand at his crotch, a gander shot glowing at her finger tips, making Kazuma pale, and Cu and Archer grimace in empathy.

"…Don't you think that is overkill? He's just a regular young man." Medusa asks.

"You don't know what he has done with those hands!" Saber and Rin shout at the same time.

"I didn't expect you three to partake in such acts with how you behave." Medea says, making Rin pull a hand away from Kazuma's grip, now aiming one at Medea, her other still trained on Kazuma's groin, and Saber now pointing her blade at Medea, prompting Medusa to angle her chained blade at Saber while gripping Rin's shoulder, in turn prompting Archer to angle a sword at Medusa, the other back on Kazuma.

Leysritt places the blade of her halberd at Sella's neck.

Sella looks flatly at Leysritt.

"I wanted to join in on the fun."

"…I think we're losing focus here…" Illya says.

"I think this alliance is imploding under the weight of their odd dislike for each other." Leysritt says.

"…We talked about pointing out the obvious Leysritt…" Sella says with a hand at her head.

The phone rings, almost making everyone decapitate each other.

Kazuma answers the hone since he is closest, making the various stand off follow him while maintaining their threats on the other.

Leysritt even makes Sella move to join them.

"Hello?"

"Oh, my apologies, I must have misdialed."

The line clicks and Kazuma hangs up the phone.

It rings again a moment later.

"Hello?"

"Hm? I know I didn't misdial this time…Wait, is this the Tohsaka residence?"

"Yes."

"…Can you put Rin on the phone?"

"…Why?" Kazuma asks, trying to place the voice.

"I need to ask her why she is letting young men stay at her place at this hour on top of another matter."

Kazuma cannot help but grin as he turns on the speaker phone before handing it to Rin.

"Hello?"

"As your guardian, I have to ask about your recent behavior Rin." Kirei says on speakerphone, making Rin pale and the others stare.

Rin goes to turn off the speakerphone, only to see a tiny block of ice over it, keeping it on. She glares at Kazuma.

"I thought you wanted me to do that?"

"Do what?" Kirei asks.

"Nothing! Kirei, please don't-"

"You cannot plead with me on this one Rin. I know you are at that age, but to purchase phone sex? That many times?" Kirei asks, making everyone stare in abject shock.

"Please don't say anymore!" Rin shouts with a crack in her voice.

"Is that you 'Magical Baby girl 2004'? I almost miss calling you 'mongrel' and hearing your reactions." Gilgamesh asks from over the phone, making Rin groan a squeaky creaky groan that would make a donkey sound like a violin.

"No wonder you didn't want anyone here!" Kazuma says before devolving into a body shaking laugh.

"The mongrel from the castle?!"

"You actually enjoy that?!" Saber asks.

"Saber?!" Gilgamesh asks.

"Kirei…Were you selling phone sex out of the church?" Rin asks.

"…Times are tough Rin…but my circumstances are not the point here…Even if you are a cornerstone of income, this is not-"

Rin slams the phone down.

'I never expected this…' Archer thinks in shock.

"And you call me a pervert! Gahahaha!"

Rin raises an arm and shoots at Kazuma, making him run out of the room.

"Bought this on yourself, Kazuma." Cu says as Rin chases him down, the sounds of a well deserved beating over heard. Saber walks over and joins in kicking him. So does Archer.

Cu looks at Medea.

"…You know healing magic right Caster? Can you-"

"Don't ask. I'm going to when they are done."

 

[Davos]

"Was that both Saber and my most loyal customer!?" Gilgamesh asks with raised eyebrows.

"I don't think I can ever look at Rin the same way now…" Shirou mutters.

"…Why didn't you tell me you were partaking in such depravities with my ward, King of Heroes?"

"The phone sex was your idea, Kirei. I thought you put her up to it?" Gilgamesh says, making Shirou look on flatly as Kirei's mouth hangs open.

"How can you think that?!"

"Do you not know what I did with newlywed couples? Besides, am I to believe killing her father in the last war and becoming her guardian is fine, but conditioning her into sexual subservience is a line too far?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Wait, what?!"

"Long story." Gilgamesh and Kirei say at the same time.

"Besides, it is not even that related to this matter." Gilgamesh says.

"It sounds very related and critical to know."

"More so than what she enjoyed the last few years under a perverted pen name?" Gilgamesh asks.

Shirou remains quiet as Gilgamesh and Kirei smile.

'On one hand, this feels wrong…on the other I feel like I'll regret not knowing…besides…it….could be helpful during that fight to trip her up….yeah…I'm just studying my opponent's weaknesses…'



===



After the most blissful beating she has ever given, Rin takes some left over food from the fridge and hurries to her room with red cheeks, avoiding eye contact.

"Don't enjoy it too much~." Illya whispers as Rin passes her, making her scowl and glare daggers in passing despite her flushed cheeks.

Sella places an empty notebook in front of Illya along with a thick book, making Illya's smile fall faster than Kazuma's social standing.

Caster heals Kazuma, and the other servants go into spirit form.

"…Maybe you should consider a follow up letter with a different duel date? I am not sure this group can last another week." Caster says and Kazuma remains quiet a moment.

"Maybe…but I may need time to learn something." Kazuma says.

Cu and Caster knows what he is thinking and sighs.

'Least I can enjoy some freshly grown potatoes this week.'

===

"Too much volume…You need to be steady in your pronunciation, but too loud and it gives the impression that you actually care about their views, when they are insignificant."

Shirou clears his throat before trying again.

"Did I imply you can speak, mongrel?"

"Much better; Stand up a little straighter, and you could be mistaken for royalty one day."

'…He has become fonder of young Emiya than I ever expected…' Kirei thinks with a raised eyebrow as he hears Shirou practice posing and speaking.



===





Saber opens the door to the kitchen and freezes when she sees the eyes in the dark.

"Why are you up?"

"I suspected you would go for a midnight meal, and thought this would be the perfect chance for us to have a private talk, Elizabeth." Kazuma says with a grin. Saber frowns at him with a fist on her hip.

"…You haven't had enough after today?" She asks while flipping on the light.

"I come with an offer."

"I refuse."

"You can at least hear me out first."

"I am not interested in whatever harebrained degeneracy you wish of me to perform."

"That's where you're wrong. You don't have to do anything but talk for a few minutes."

"I re-" Saber stops when he opens the fridge door, showing racks of ribs in a tower that would come up to Saber's waist.

"I-is that…"

"Premium cut too. Unfortunately, it took enough money that our dear lady Rin won't be able to partake in her hobby…speaking of hobby."

"Are you trying to blackmail me with food? How low do you think I am?" Saber says, eyes darting back to the meat stack.

"Perish the thought! I would never withhold food for a lack of information…I was just going to ask how you like your ribs prepared."

"…We both know you're not that kind. Or are you going to suggest otherwise after exposing Rin's…'leisure'?"

"You mean how she loves being insulted by your ex?" Kazuma says, his smirk freezing when Saber pulls out her sword.

"Care to call him that again?"

"I didn't plan for that. I thought it would just be an awkward talk of her having a boy over, I didn't expect her to be that kinky." Kazuma says before opening the freezer door, showing every possible cut of meat from a variety of animals.

Saber's eyes glow and she has to close her mouth to keep from drooling.

"W-what are you…?"

"I was going to ask which cut you prefer for breakfast."

"B-breakfast?"

"It has been awhile since you had a decent breakfast thanks to Shirou, no?"

"…Be that as it may, this is a deeply personal matter!"

"I know...I suppose I should have known better. After all, I'm sure Rin wouldn't put you in a bad position for her own benefit right? It's not like she would listen to Gilgamesh's demands in person after so many years of being his indirect toy right? I'm sure these steaks will still be delicious even past their peak freshness date." Kazuma says and Saber winces before thinking in silence.

"She…thought no one could hear, and has the habit of talking to herself, likely as a way to work through problems…but she was working herself up into a frenzy and…"

Saber begins speaking, and with every detail, another package of meat goes to the fridge, sending an ambivalent joy through Artoria.

===



"You dare raise your voice at me, mongrel?" Shirou says with squinted eyes and crossed arms.

"Excellent. A few more years and you might be able to adequately imitate me." Gilgamesh says before going to sip wine.

"It appears someone has an inflated sense of self worth." Shirou says, making Gilgamesh stop.

Before grinning and laughing freely.

"Perhaps I need to revaluate that timeline…you certainly have the moxy. Now you simply need to hone yourself to make your claims valid. Good thing there is a week for that. I assume you have no issues with training Shirou, Kirei?"

"None at all." Kirei says with a smile that makes Shirou shiver.

===

Rin looks at the steaks on their breakfast plates. Then she looks over and sees the bigger one on Saber's plate.

'…Archer, I have a bad feeling.'

'Likewise, but I doubt it is anything that bad…He is probably just trying to make nice with Saber after burning that bridge with you…Magical Baby Girl~.'

'ARCHER!' Rin screams telepathically at Emiya, who laughs uncontrollably.

'Sorry…Magical Baby Girl 2004~.'

'AGGHH!' Rin yells at her servant before looking at a smiling Kazuma and giggling Illya.

"…Why are you two so chummy all of a sudden?"

"Oh nothing you need to worry about…Mongrel~" Illya says with a smirk, making Rin drop a fork.

"Something wrong mongrel? Perhaps you need to be chained up to recall your table manners?" Kazuma asks, making Illya choke back a laugh as Rin stammers.

"…How did you-" Rin stops and looks at Saber who is turns away while chewing filet mignon.

"You…! You sold me out for…for meat?!"

"I'm just keeping up my strength."

"You have Caster giving you mana, you don't need to eat!"

"I find it consoling after this week."

"…Spoken just like a woman." Rin says, making Saber stand up.

"How dare you! Though I cannot say I am surprised, from someone who would willingly consort with him over the phone, like a lewd coward!" Saber pales when Rin fires a gander shot, hitting the steak, making it fall to the floor, now a purple mess from curse.

Saber draws her blade, making Kazuma and Illya pale.

'God damn it Rin!" Archer thinks angrily at Rin while appearing with swords in hand.

'Not my fault!'

'You do not mess with a lion's meal!' Archer thinks while deflecting Saber's blade.

Cu joins the fray, attacking Archer along with Saber.

"Wrong target Cu!" Kazuma shouts.

"It feels right to me!" Cu says as Medea and Medusa enter the room.

"…It's not even noon." Medusa says.

"She ruined my breakfast!"

"Oh pardon ME! That is obviously much worse than divulging my kinks to this degenerate!" Rin shouts back.

"You dare call me a degenerate when you fantasize about being tied up and talked down to while calling someone 'daddy'!? You really do have some 'Darkness' in you!"

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"I don't think we should be here for this Rider, we should-" Caster says.

"And excuse me for having a complex from not having my dad around and taking classes from Kuzuki for years!" Rin says before paling at realizing Caster is in the room.

"Covetous wench!" Medea shouts as Archer is being pushed back from Saber and Cu.

"Oh no…" Medusa says with a hand at her head.

"I think things are getting out of hand again Kazuma."

"Yep…"

"That's it! Unlimited Blade Works!" Archer shouts, changing the dining room into a barren field of clockwork gears and swords, a few dozen trained on Saber, Cu Chulainn, and Medea.

"What the Hell just happened?!" Kazuma asks as everyone also looks on in shock.

"It's…a reality marble…!" Illya says.

"Yes…my Noble Phantasm that can possibly counter one of Gilgamesh's…" Archer says before looking at Caster.

"…I think we should maintain the alliance, but stay in separate locations."

"…Agreed. But to prevent backstabbing, I will have Medusa stay here, and Kazuma comes with me and Saber." Medea says.

"Absolutely not!" Saber says.

"You know anyone else that would prevent betrayal?"

"You think Kazuma would stay Rin's hand?" Saber asks.

"It'll stay the Hound, who will in turn stay them…besides, he'll likely want to keep an eye on the vegetable garden."

"…Fair enough. Not a fan, but I am fairly certain you wouldn't harm him." Cu says and they go their separate ways.





===

Shirou breathes heavily, sweating coating his body as he is flung across the room, now flat on his back.

"Better than I expected, but you still have a long way to go young man."

Shirou does not respond for a minute, instead slowly standing back up and raising his fists.

Kirei merely smiles, mirroring the motion.



===



That evening at the temple, Saber is called to the basement of the temple.

'At least I'll be safe from perversions this week despite him being here.' She thinks before seeing Medea holding up a white dress roughly her size.

"…Please tell me Kazuma put you up to this so I can kill him."

"All my idea Elizabeth."

"That is not my-"

"Though I do wonder if Kazuma has ideas for some outfits?" Medea wonders out loud.

"I am not wearing anything you or he suggests!" Saber says with a glare that is short lived when Medea raises her hand.

"You wouldn't dare-"

"By my command seal, put on this dress Saber!"

Saber screams in impotent anger while putting on the dress.

 

[Davos]

"Come on Saber, you look gorgeous!" Medea says while holding a mirror up for Saber to see herself clad in a shoulder less white dress with an exposed back, low heels, and stockings.

"My last master made me kill myself…and now I am torn between which one of you causes me more rage." Saber says before a whistle is heard above.

"Not gonna lie, I thought the dress was too plain, but this works way better than I expected."

"I told you I had an eye for this…but I am still willing to try those outfits you suggested."

'…It is getting closer to Medea…She truly is the Witch of betrayal…!' Saber thinks with red cheeks and a clenched fist.

===

"Shut…up." Rin says to the smugly grinning Illya.

"I know my mistress has been vexing, but can you please-"

"I am not apologizing." Rin says, prompting a halberd to appear at her neck.

"Seriously?" Sella asks as Archer angles a blade at a grinning Leysritt's neck.

"Are we not doing this again?" Leysritt asks as Cu points a spear at Archer's back.

"Seriously?!" Archer asks.

"It still feels right!" Cu says.

Medusa watches this transpire behind a neutral face.

'Still better than Shinji.' She thinks with a small grin.

===

"I am not wearing that!" Saber shouts with the entirety of her soul at seeing the utterly lacking article of clothing called shorts.

"It shows less skin than the dress overall." Kazuma says.

"Those barely qualify as pants! They almost count as underwear!" Saber says, feeling more disturbed when Medea smiles at her words.

"It's not that bad. It's just a bit of thigh, the boots cover most of your legs." Kazuma says.

"Then you wear it!"

"It's too small!"

"Maybe it'll fit if I cut it off!" Saber says, Excalibur in hand.

"That is way too drastic!"

"More than fitting a punishment for you!"

"And after I gave you steak! Traitor!"

"You are the second to last person to call me that!" Saber says, getting a grimace from Medea.

"And after I was going to share a new dish with you!" Kazuma says with a grin, making Saber, stop, pale…but listen.

"What dish?"

"Do you not know where we are?"

"A…temple?" Saber says with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes. And what do the people here do?"

"Train and pray…but what does that have to do with-"

"They train rigorously…and how can they do that? By eating adequately. And I managed to get a few recipes from some monks, and with these delicious dishes in hand I thought 'Hey, Saber
will love this!'" Kazuma says.

"…You lie…" Saber says weakly before Kazuma whispers into her ear one such dish.

She glares at him despite the rumble in her stomach undermining her.

He holds up the shorts and the rest of the black clothes.

Saber goes to change, shaking with utter fury.

'I'm going to skin him alive one day for this…'

===

Rin can't believe the audacity, the sheer contempt, the complete and utter bullshit borne from such a tiny creature.

She doesn't even need to investigate or use magic to know who carved '2004' into her bedroom door.

'Archer.'

'Yes Magical Baby Girl?'

'…First, you ever call me that again and I am making you use your Noble Phantasm on yourself.'

'…Understood…'

'Secondly, I want Illya and her maids out. NOW.'

'And where will they go?'

'Give them some cash for a hotel. She has no servant, and her magic cannot help against one.'

'Can't.'

"What do you mean you can't?!" Rin shouts instead of using telepathy.

"There's no cash to give. Kazuma bought a lot of meat and-"

"That bastard…I'm going to kick his ass when I see him again!"

"Didn't you already do that?" Cu asks from further down the hall.

"He deserves another!"

"Man…you are angry about this…Maybe you want to take a breath first." Cu says, and Rin does take a breath.

"Feeling better…"

"A little, y-"

"Magical Baby Girl~?" Cu asks with a smirk.

Rin looks at him with the flattest stare she has ever given.

Then she smiles and skips down the hall, making both men look at her with tilted heads.

"Archer, please entertain Cu for awhile~."

"…Why?"

"I'm going to do a little digging~." Rin says and Cu gasps a warbling groan.

Archer also smiles, now standing in Cu's way.

Rin rounds the corner, and as metal clashes against metal, her smile falls.

Standing in her way is Illya.

"…Move."

"Where are your manners? And on your way to waste food too…I can't imagine your daddy would condone such wastefulness~."

Rin takes a deep breath.

The next moment Illya is kicked out through a window.

Leysritt catches her.

Sella appears and pulls on her ear.

"Ow!"

"You deserved that Mistress."

"Aren't you supposed to be on my side!?"

When Rin steps outside with glow of magic still on her empowered limbs, Leysritt stands in front of her and blocks her path to the small garden.

"Why are you-"

"The potatoes must stay safe. They represent the alliance." Leysritt says.

"Thank you!' Cu shouts from the second floor.

Rider looks on from the roof.

'…They're all idiots…I miss Sakura.'

===

Saber loves every bite of this meal.

It almost makes her forget that she is wearing black shorts that are too short, thigh high boots, a black t shirt, and a black coat.

It's almost as bad as Kazuma and Medea studying her.

"It looks good but…" Medea trails off, trying to describe the missing quality.

"Not quite right…maybe we can dye her hair to a paler shade of yellow?"

"Maybe some contacts too? Her eyes, lovely as they are, might just be too bright for this outfit."

"I am not dying my hair or wearing contacts."

"That's alright, got another outfit for you."

"Are you two not done with-" Saber drops her spoon when she sees the new outfit.

A maid outfit.

"Absolutely not. And now that you have one command seal, you cannot force me anymore!" Saber says and Medea becomes crestfallen. Then Kazuma whispers in her ear and smiles before raising her hand.

"Are you seriously-"

"By my command seal, put on the maid outfit Saber!"

"Unbelievable…and I thought you were supposed to be smart…" Saber says while going to change into the maid outfit.

When she comes out she has Excalibur in hand, ready to end this nightmare.

Only to get stabbed by Medea first, making three new command seals appear on her hand.

Saber stammers a groan of despair as Medea and Kazuma exchange thumbs up.

===

"We need to set up some ground rules." Sella says while facing a frowning Rin, pouting Illya, scowling Cu Chulainn, and stone faced Archer.

"First, no more mention of the name 'Magical Baby Girl 2004' in any variation." Sella says, making Illya and Archer frown, and Rin smile with tears in her eyes.

"Second, absolutely no threats to the potato garden. Third-" Sella stops when Cu appears in front of her with a hand on her shoulder and sincere, charming smile on his face. Sella blushes under his gaze and when he cups her chin.

"You're a good woman Sella."

"T-third…uh…I uh…"

"You're Fergus is showing." Emiya and Leysritt say at the same time, making Cu freeze and step back with a hand at his head.

"Third is now no seducing my maids" Illya says, making Sella glance to the side while still red.

"Fourth is no in fighting." Leysritt says while looking at Archer and Cu Chulainn.

"…Does that mean if he doesn't fight back its fine?"

"Seriously?" Everyone asks at Cu. Everyone but Sella.

Illya notices this and looks at her with a grimace.

'…You really shouldn't be so easily charmed.' Illya tells Sella telepathically.

'It was unexpected…It will…probably not happen again.'

===

Shirou collapses onto the bed, exhausted; not even the Kamen Rider opening song can rouse him from his exhaustion.

But even in his fading consciousness, he already feels he is making progress in his hand to hand fighting.

Then he dreams of a barren field of swords.

 

[Davos]

"Get down from there Saber!" Medea shouts as Saber stands on a thick tree limb a great distance in the air.

"No, you're just going to make me wear another outfit not even prostitutes would wear!"

"Why do you know what prostitutes wear?" Kazuma asks.

"Lots of different people came to Camelot as it was formed, and that is not the point!"

"We're one of your knights a shameless horn dog?"

"Do not disparage Lancelot!"

"I think that's a yes."

"Is this because of the lingerie last night?" Medea asks, now floating in the air near Saber.

Saber slashes at her and Medea barely dodges with a short scream.

"I think that's yes!" Kazuma shouts from the ground.

"But I thought you would like wearing a suit!"

"That reminded of a lot of bad memories!"

"…You're kind of a big crybaby aren't you?" Kazuma asks and Saber jumps from the tree, sword in hand, aiming to cleave Kazuma.

He vanishes using lurk, and Saber only hits Earth.

"Coward!" Saber shouts before something lands on her head, blinding her. When she takes it off her head she sees it is a red dress, with an unfortunate 'addition' in the middle.

Saber doesn't need to look up, seeing the glow of a command seal in her side vision.

===

"…Wanna trade?" Cu asks as Rin looks at her food. It is a simple, but fine meal of noodles and sausage. What has Rin so crestfallen is the sausage has some noodles wrapped around them in a pattern like rope play.

Just like how Rin talked about over the years before she had the guests from Hell.

It even has a little bow.

Leysritt has a hand over her face, hiding a scowl, as Archer also has a hand over his face but hiding a grin. Sella is looking with a neutral face, and Illya is smiling.

Sella places a thick book next to Illya.

"I didn't break any rules!"

"I don't think I have to explain why putting linguini shibari on a sausage to a masochist you were told not to bother warrants punishment!"

"I'm not a masochist!" Rin shouts.

Everyone stifles a laugh a second too slow.

Even Sella who was reprimanding Illya.

Even Cu who offered to trade lunches with Rin.

Even Leysritt who rarely cracks a smile unless violence is present.

Rin takes Cu's lunch and leaves the room with a tear in her eye.

"I'm just a healthy young woman, damn it…"

Illya chuckles.

Then she gets another book on top of the other.

'Worth it~.' Illya thinks despite the frown.

===


"Astounding…I knew you would improve after a night of rest, but by this much…" Kirei says after throwing Shirou to the ground again.

"Indeed…though your ability to create blades is a surprising development…if a bit vexing." Gilgamesh says.

"I know…I'm not sure how, but it started after this odd dream."

"Dream?" Both men ask and Shirou explains.

"…Normally Masters and Servants have dreams when they sleep of the other's life, a haphazard and random insight…but it does not bequeath skills."

"And even if it did, it is not mine. I call upon my treasury, not create such hollow weapons out of the ether."

"Strange…My servant did not create blades so…whose life did I dream?"

After a moment of not finding an answer, they resume the training.

===

'…Can't believe I have to resort to this.' Rin thinks before walking up the stairs to Ryuudou temple.

After a bit of procrastination as a tourist, she asks around and heads to the area Medea, Kazuma, and Saber reside. Entering she sees an unusual sight. Medea and Kazuma taking pictures as Saber poses in golden boots, a red dress with an exposed back, a surprisingly low cut at the top…and a see through section over the front of the lower half of the dress, showing the entire front of her lower half.

Rin and Saber lock eyes.

Rin is open mouthed, and Saber is on the verge of tears.

"It's not what you-"

"Pervert."

"They're the perverts! I'm under their mercy from Command seals!"

"…Wait, aren't you down to one now?"

"I lost track how many times I was down to one command seal." Saber says before being stabbed by Caster again, three new seals appearing on her hand.

"Wait, you have infinite command seals?!"

"Indeed, and with that delightful shop Kazuma found, this is shaping up to be an excellent week!" Medea says before handing Saber a new outfit and using another seal, making Saber trod along to a make shift changing room.

"So what brings you here Baby girl?"

"Do not call me that!"

"You forgot to add 'Magical', Kazuma." Medea says with a smirk, deepening Rin's scowl.

"Ah I did…is the 2004 important too?"

Rin takes a deep breath before speaking.

"Can you take Illya?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Two reasons. One, it is a temple and women aren't supposed to be here." Kazuma says as Saber comes back, her hair in a pony tail as she is wearing a blue body suit. Rin looks flatly while gesturing to Saber.

"That's because of Caster's magic and we don't want to use too much of it before that fight."

"That is complete bullshit and you know it!"

"The second reason is I asked Illya to annoy you." Kazuma says, making Rin point a gander ready hand at him.

"Isn't that against the rules, using magic in the day time?" Kazuma asks with a sing song, making the gander double in size.

"You have no idea how effective Illya is at driving me insane!"

"Did she do the shibari sausage yet?" Kazuma asks, making Rin stammer a moment before readying her other hand with gandir.

"I didn't know you could do that with food…"

"What other indignities do you have planned?"

"Wouldn't be much of a surprise if I told you, now would it?" Kazuma says, sweating now when Rin brings her hands together, merging the gander into a bigger curse ball.

"…I understand you are angry, but do you really think you can kill him while I am here?" Medea asks, and a moment later Rin disperses the ball.

"That said, I could probably talk Illya down if you do something for me." Kazuma says while holding up a shopping bag from that store. Rin ponders a moment before smiling sweetly.

This worries Kazuma.

His worry increases when she steps closer, still smiling.

Then hope fills him.

'Maybe she's finally embracing her perversion and is willing to ex-' His thought of youthful hope ends when he sees green bars lining Rin's limbs.

'Ah crap…Why do I still hope?' He thinks before a fist of steel sends him to the ground.

===


Illya leaves Rin's room with a grin before seeing Leysritt there.

"…It's not what it looks like." Illya says and Leysritt pulls out a notebook, flipping past a few pages.

"So you aren't leaving Miss Tohsaka's room with mischievous intent?"

"No."

"Then enter the room while keeping a grip on Illya and find the source of mischievous intent…oh I'm not supposed to read that part out loud." Leysritt says, grabbing Illya as she tries to flee.
They enter Rin's room and she sees the open closet door with a bunch of skimpy versions of nun outfits, and a paddling board on Rin's bed.

"Where in the world did you get this, mistress?"

"It was already in Rin's closet." Illya say.

"Mistress."

"Kazuma."

"That makes more sense…we are removing these before she returns."

"But she really did have one of those outfits!"

"Mistress."

"I'm not lying!" Illya says, only to be met with a flat stare.

Illya is made to carry the outfits out of the room. They stop at a cracked open door, the sound of rustling sheets getting their attention.

"…Leysritt, where is Sella?" Illya asks in a whisper.

"…She did not tell me." Leysritt whispers back. They look at each other. They open the door, and despite their suspicions, still gasp at the sight before them. Illya drops the skimpy clothes as Sella freezes, pale faced, hair down, dress in partial undress while straddling Cu Chulainn.

"It hasn't even been a day since rule 3 was made!" Illya shouts.

"…Technically he didn't break any of the rules…" Sella says, further shocking Illya and Leysritt.

"…You're a good woman Sella." Cu says as Archer looks into the room.

'…Guess his luck is better in this timeline. That or his Fergus influence is showing without Kirei as his master. Wonder if he has a 'harem hero' skill?' Archer thinks before going on his merry way, stopping when he sees Leysritt study Cu Chulainn with squinted eyes.

"Leysritt, no!" Sella and Illya say at the same time, confusing Cu and Archer.

"You're right…with the difference in our strength, I'd probably kill him." Leysritt says, making Sella flinch a moment before looking at Cu, glancing below before frowning at him.

"…Seriously?"

"…I've never been afraid to court death."

"Oh God…I can't believe I'm actually happy to be stunted now…" Illya mutters before walking aimlessly down the hall.

===

"Why are you restless?" Gilgamesh asks as Kamen Rider starts.

"Guess I'm just a bit worried about that duel."

"Hmph, you doubt my abilities?"

"Hardly, after that training session of you lobbing Noble Phantasms at me in the most dangerous game of dodge ball, I know you are not the weak link here…Especially since you were going easy…but I was certain I could have killed at least one servant with my plan back at the castle, and Kazuma managed to save them…"

"He will not this time…though why are you so keen on winning this war?"

"…Before it was to be a hero of justice and save everyone."

"What a ludicrous dream."

"Indeed…especially after meeting those three."

"Those three being?"

"Rin, Kazuma, and Saber."

"Magical Baby Girl and that mongrel I understand, but Saber? I recall her being nearly idealistic enough to agree with that dream."

"I never did get to know her. Her being the cause of that disaster 10 years ago may have soured me from any attempts and made me realize the truth about my prior held ideals."

"And what is that truth?"

"Not everyone is worth saving, and some are better off dead."

===
After the surprise attack on Kazuma, Rin manages to sucker punch Medea before she can react, knocking them both to the ground. As she starts kicking them, Saber join in, the squeakiness of her current suit adding another noise to the blows.

"This is for stealing my underwear!"

"This is for making me play dress up!"

"This is for revealing my kinks!"

"This is for stabbing me so many times!"

"By my comm.- AGH!" Medea has the air knocked out of her when Saber stomps on her.

"Medea and Kazuma exchange a look, grimacing but coming to the same conclusion.

"This is for stealing my room, siccing Illya on me, and nothing you say will-"

"Harder~." Kazuma and Medea say in a velvet tone, making Saber and Rin jump back with a blush in shock.

"By my command seal, you are to never strike me or Kazuma again!" Medea says, and Saber cries out in fury.

Kazuma raises his hand.

"Don't you-!"

"Steal!"

After the flash, he is holding a pair of white panties.

"Lucky for you, there are some outfits you can try on as well…Unless you want to go through town in that mini skirt and tempt a passing breeze~." Kazuma says and Rin puts with clenched fists before turning and walking away to the changing room Saber was in.

"You forgot the-"

Rin comes out a moment later wearing Saber's longer skirt.

"Hey!" Saber shouts but Rin ignores them and goes home.

===

Upon going home she finds Cu in a collar, chained to a pole and sitting in a large dog house.

"Why are you wearing Saber's-"

"I don't want to talk about it." She says before going inside and heading straight to her room to change. She opens her closet and notices her one outfit is missing.

'She was in my room?!…What is she planning to do with my nun outfit?' Rin thinks with a frown.

 

[Davos]

Despite her reservations and sheer annoyance at today, Rin doesn't confront Illya about the nun outfit.

'She's never alone, so I can't just outright ask or accuse her…But I really don't want to let her have free reign with that dress…' Rin goes outside after fixing her outfit and stops by Cu's house.

"…I was too angry to ask earlier, but why are you…Can't believe I'm asking this, but why are you in the dog house?"

"…There was a vote after an incident. It was 2 to 3 since I was excluded."

"Wait, how? There's only four possible votes without you."

"Archer voted in your stead. At least Sella and Leysritt are not happy with him."

Rin remains quiet a moment.

"What caused this vote?"

"…I don't think I should say."

===

"This is just a bikini!" Saber yells.

"It's not the most risqué option…I did talk Kazuma down from the more revealing options."

"It's not as bad as that Celtic style dress you were eyeballing."

"That was a work of art and you know it!"

"We can use rock paper scissors to decide which one she wears."

"You think I'll go for that after hearing how you won Rin's room that n-AGH!" Medea cries out when Saber tackles her to the ground, and a fight on the ground starts. Kazuma almost goes to help when he remembers two important things.

First is he has no chance in a hand to hand fight verses a servant.

The second is why in the world would he stop a cat fight?

Then he sees Saber raise an arm high, holding Rule Breaker and finally charges in, but is too late.

Saber stabs Medea with all her strength, eliciting a pained howl.

Then Saber stands up and turns to Kazuma, approaching while cracking her knuckles.

Then she stops when she hears Medea stand up, knife still in her chest.

Saber winces and looks at her hand before smiling.

On her hand are three Command Seals.

'Oh crap.' Medea and Kazuma think at the same time.

===


Gilgamesh sips wine, amused as Shirou looks over a dozen weapons from his treasury and makes a copy of each; Each one imperfect, hollow, but serviceable as a weapon.

Then Shirou grabs his head and Gilgamesh retracts the treasury.

"That is enough…You only activated your circuits this week. I am certain they are still getting used to-"Gilgamesh stops when Shirou creates two new blades; Two Chinese short swords of alternating black and white.

"What the Hell…?"

===

Rin stares at Illya, and Illya stares back.

"…Archer, why did you vote in my stead to put Lancer in a dog house?"

"We were tied, and who else should vote for you? Besides, it is fitting isn't it?" Archer asks with a smile.

"Well, since I am here, I will change my vote to allow him to stay in the house…and since we are voting on such matters, how about we have Ilya stay in the dog house?"

"Absolutely not!" Illya shouts.

"We should vote on it~."

"My maids will not vote to put me in the dog house!"

"But Cu will~." Rin says and Illya manages to pale on her already snowy skin.

"…Where is Sella?" Leysritt asks.

"She said she had to do something." Archer says.

"Either way, I am going to get Lancer for this vote~." Rin says and goes to the dog house, Illya following.

"W-wait Rin! Don't you think it is a bit much having me sleep outside?"

"After everything? No~!" Rin says as she opens the front door and nears the dog house.

It is empty.

"…Oh no…" Illya says.

"What?" Rin asks and Illya runs back inside. A moment later Rin finds her and Leysritt standing stone faced outside of the door to Archer's unused room.

He wanted one to make sure Cu got a lesser quality room.

"…That bastard…He would do that in my room!" Archer mutters.

"It's not like you use it…and doing what?" Rin asks before opening the door and gasping at the sight before her.

Cu sitting on the bed with Sella on her knees, hair free, hands on his lap…

Dressed like a skimpy nun.

"You bastard! At least do this in Illya's room!" Archer shouts, making Illya weakly slug him before turning to the maid and hound.

"And after breaking the third rule again!"

"You go girl." Leysritt says in monotone with a thumbs up, making Sella cover her face.

Rin grabs Illya by the scuff of her neck, lifting her into the air.

"So this is what you were planning with my nun outfit?!"

"This nun outfit is yours?!" Everyone but Illya asks in shock, making Rin freeze. Illya smiles the smuggest of smart ass grins.

"…No…I can't believe this was what you two were planning!" Rin says weakly.

"And Kirei is your guardian…Oh dear God Rin…" Archer says before going into spirit form.

Illya starts to giggle.
"…You have good taste Red?" Cu says before getting lightly jabbed by Sella.

"Sella wears it better than you ever could." Leysritt says, making Illya shake in laughter in Rin's grip.

Rin pivots and throws Illya into the wall, making a loli sized dent.

Illya groans from the ground as Rin stomps away, teary eyed and blushing.

Sella sighs and picks up Illya.

"You deserved that one…"

Illya groans in disagreement.

===

"I have the power now!" Saber shouts before being stabbed by Medea. They look at each other and see they both have command seals now.

"…How does this even work? I thought Servants got mana from their master?"

"They do…but it's called Rule Breaker for a reason, and I'm sure my being a Caster is the only reason this is-"

"By my Command Seal, You are not to force me to dress up anymore, Medea!"

"Noooooo!" Medea and Kazuma say at the same time as Saber smiles, breathing freely now.

Then Medea raises her hand.

"By my Command Seal, you are to try on anything Kazuma suggests!"

Saber screams again.

'…Not quite the back stabbing I expected to happen…' Kazuma thinks before pulling out another shopping bag.

===

"Welcome to the Gates of Heaven, where you'll-"

"It's me Shirou." Rin says and Shirou pauses a moment.

"Are you…here as yourself or as Magical-"

"Finish that name and I will lob a dozen mana infused explosive gems at your crotch!" Rin nearly shouts.

"…I mean, that's your name on this isn't it?"

"You call that a professional tone?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Oh God, Master's here~ No! I'm here with a request!" Rin says while shaking her head.

"It's Rin."

"Oh, I'll handle it from here." Gilgamesh says and Shirou hands the phone over.

"Keep Shirou on the line!"

After a raised eyebrow, Shirou answers the phone again.

"…So what does a brazen thing like you want?" Shirou says in his best voice.

"O-oh…~…" Rin squeaks before shaking her head.

"N-no! I want you to convince Kirei to take Illya and her maids into the church!"

"…No. Why would I take three spies here? And couldn't you have called the regular number for this?"

"I…dialed this number out of habit." Rin says.

"…You really are a depraved, hopeless woman."

"Don't sweet talk me!"

"I'm not." Shirou says and Rin bites her lips in a mix of anger and want, stopping her hand from trailing lower.

"Please, those three are driving me-" The line clicks.

"Press 1 to use the card on file, or 2 if you need to input an alternate card for payment."

Rin presses 1 and goes to sleep.

 

[Davos]

"By my Command Seal, I order you to undo your last command seal!" Saber says, making another mark disappear on her hand, forcing Caster to use one of her seals to undo her prior seals.

"By my Command Seal, I order you to give me Rule Breaker back!" Medea says, and Saber slowly walks over, grunting against every step before handing the jagged blade back.

She is promptly stabbed and 3 seals appear on Medea's hand.

"By my last command seal, I order you to give me Rule Breaker back!"

Medea hands the blade back.

"You are formidable Elizabeth!" Medea says, making Saber screech before pouncing on Medea and stabbing her repeatedly.

Alas, she only gets 3 seals despite the frantic stabbing.

Kazuma naturally slinks away.

'I'm not staying near an angry woman with a knife.' He thinks before taking a photo of Saber stabbing Medea.

===



'…Is it possible to have hypertension at my age?' Rin wonders while bending a spoon in her clenched fist at the latest annoyance at her dining room table.

Illya, Cu, and Archer praying at the table with their hands clasped.

Leysritt is standing while doing the same pose.

"Oh Holy Sister, I have sinned." Cu says, making Sella and Rin glare at him.

"I think she would rather hear 'Mommy I've been bad.'…Right Rin~?" Illya asks with one open eye.

"Since she is a masochist, wouldn't she be asking an omnipresent daddy for punishment?" Leysritt asks.

"Leysritt!"

"It's fun!"

"I'm not a-!" Rin closes her eyes and takes a breath before leaving, her appetite gone.

===

"She…asked you to house some of her allies?" Kirei asks with wide eyes.

"Yes…I thought it some kind of trick."

"…Despite the recent…revelations as of late, Rin is a smart girl. She would not so brazenly try employing such a tactic by trying to rely on my good will."

"Because there is none?" Gilgamesh asks.

"Do you really want to test my goodwill after I learned you engaged in depravity with my ward?"

"Oh please Kirei, is it really depravity if I never even met the woman?"

"Think we are getting side tracked…" Shirou says.

"Indeed…I will call her later." Kirei says, getting a raised brow from the king of heroes and flat stare from Shirou.

"Holy Grail War or not, she is still my ward."

===



Rin trudges up the mountain pathway again, dreading what she has to do.

"Why are you here witch?" A young man in glasses asks.

"Not in the mood Issei."

"This is a temple, and the sight seeing option is closed t-" Issei stops, startled when Rin shoulder checks him.

'The audacity!' He thinks after a long minute of shock.

Rin meanwhile finds Kazuma and Medea looking at Saber in admiration.

This time she is wearing a surprisingly chaste blue nun outfit.

"…What is with this necklace?" Saber asks, holding up a blue square with a tinier square at the bottom corner.

"It's a necklace for a faith from another world."

"…Why are you having me dress like that? Please tell me you don't have a nun fetish…" Saber asks, making Rin grimace in the distance.

"No, but the nun was a blonde crazy woman, so seeing you squirm and blush while dressed like her is a nice sight for me."

"Was she the one that your mage complained about for a time?"

"Yes."

Rin coughs into her fist, getting their attention.

"Oh you're back. What's up?"

"I want you to take-"

"I'm not taking Illya."

"I know, I given up on that…I want you to take her maids." Rin says.

"What? Why her maids."

"One of them is trying to jump Lancer."

"No…Maybe I start calling you kettle?"

"Surprising. I thought you would like to have a perverted maid nearby?" Rin asks with a grin, making Kazuma pause.

"I doubt she would be open to be if Cu is her type."

"Because consent has always been one of your concerns?" Saber asks, getting a glare from Kazuma before he holds up a bag from a lingerie shop. Saber brings her hand to her face.

"You wouldn't!"

"We would!" Medea and Kazuma say at the same time.

"What's that on your hand?" Rin asks with wide eyes at Saber's command seals.

"I got them after stabbing Caster with her own knife."

"Wait, what?! How!?"

"It breaks rules." Medea says.

"Can I see it for a second?" Rin asks.

"No." Kazuma and Medea say at the same time.

"By my command seal-!" Saber says, and a moment later Rin has Rule Breaker.

She stabs Saber without a second thought, and gets three new seals on her hand of a different pattern.



===

Archer drops the broom, getting odd looks from everyone nearby.

"My connection with Rin just vanished…We have to go!" Archer says, and Cu Chulainn is running alongside him, off to rescue their allies from an ambush.



===

Back at the temple, Rin looks at her hand then at Medea's now clear hand as it grabs her by the neck.

"Give me Saber back!"

"I am not an item to be exchanged!"

"No! Why would I give up one of the strongest…servants… in the…" Rin trails off before remembering the past few days.

Saber's attempted murder of Rin.

Saber eating a solid chunk of her pantry when she didn't need to…

And Saber revealing Rin's private time relaxation for steak.

Rin looks over at Saber with a neutral face.

"Rin?"

Rin smiles before placing a hand on Saber's shoulder.

"M-Master? What are you-"

"By my command seal, go to your knees, pray, and wait for five minutes in silence like a good bitch~."

"Wha-?! How dare you-, you little-" Saber clamps her mouth shut and goes to her knees, hands in prayer. Medea and Kazuma's mouths hang open.

"I have a proposition for you~." Rin says, explaining the deal.

Saber tries to scream in protest at hearing it but can't open her mouth, a loud groan instead rocking her frame.

Kazuma and Medea smile before agreeing and Rin hands the knife back to Medea.

Saber looks on listlessly as she is stabbed again, once more in degenerate magical bondage.

Rin extends her hand to Medea.

Medea does not hand the blade over.

Rin starts to glare until Kazuma steps into view with another shopping bag.

"B-but…our deal! What about our deal!?"

"Oh, I lied about that~!" Kazuma says with a heart warming smile.

Rin raises her hand.

"You petty, insufferable-"

"Saber, I order you to protect Kazuma!" Medea says and Saber groans in pain while pointing her blade at Rin with Kazuma behind her.

'I hate everything about this situation…' Saber thinks while grinding her teeth.

Rin also grimaces.

"Don't worry Magical Baby Girl…I'll lend Rule Breaker…after you try on the perfect outfit for a masochist such as yourself~."

"…Please tell me it's the nun outfit…" Rin asks.

Kazuma merely grins.

Medea looks into the bag and gasps.

"You actually got that?! I thought it was limited edition!?"

"I have my ways." He says before tossing the bag to Rin.



===



Emiya and Cu Chulainn arrive at the temple, their panic quickly replaced by shock, and minor annoyance.

Rin and Saber are blushing an extra deep shade when they arrive, seeing them in their current outfits.

Saber standing on one leg with her hands raised in a celebratory gesture towards the sky while in white heals, blue stockings, and a white corset with a white scarf draped around her shoulders…and bunny ears.

Rin meanwhile is barefoot with one black stocking that goes to slightly above her knee, with a detached sleeve on her opposite arm, and little more than panties and a white top and gold trim and jewelry on all the articles of clothing. A tiara falls from her head as she slouches forward, groaning in abysmal misery.

"You truly are the witch of betrayal…" Archer says, making Medea clench a fist.

"Wow, it's skimpier than the nun outfit…" Cu says, Cu says, making Rin groan again.

"Which nun outfit?" Kazuma asks.

"The one with a diamond pattern on the leggings and a small heart opening on the chest."

"Wait, none of them had leggings or that pattern, what are you-ahhh…" Kazuma turns over to look at the crimson Rin.

"I can't believe it…we both like nun outfits…"

"No we don't!" Rin protests.

'I hate that we do…' She thinks a moment later.

Archer walks over, a war hammer in hand.

"I-I thought your thing was swords!?" Kazuma says while backing away.

"You don't deserve a quick death." Archer says

Cu blocks his way.

"You ain't getting to him Red." Cu says as Medea tosses Rule Breaker to Rin, confusing Archer and Cu.

"I expect it back Baby Girl~."

"…I wonder how Souichirou would react to this side of you?" Rin says, making a vein appear on Medea's head as Rin approaches Archer but stops, a warbling groan escaping her lips.

Behind them all is an open mouthed Issei.

"Oh my God…" He says.

'My life is ruined…' Rin thinks before Issei becomes cloudy eyed as Medea waves a hand.

"This is not the place you wanted to go…You don't remember what you saw here."

"This is not eh place I wanted to go…I don't remember what I saw here…" He says before leaving the area.

'Huh…So she did hypnotize the people here.' Archer thinks before Rin steps closer to him.

"What are you-" He tries to ask before being stabbed by Rule Breaker.

"Oh my God…you fallen for him!"

"NO! I stabbed you for this!" Rin says, annoying Kazuma slightly as she holds up her hand to show three new command seals.

"Oh thank God…" Archer says with a sigh of relief, further annoying Kazuma.

After dressing back to her usual outfit, Rin goes to leave with Archer and Cu before being stopped by Kazuma. He hands her the bag with the outfit she wore before.

"I don't want that."

"You're lying~."

Kazuma jumps back when he sees Rin's limbs glow green.

As they start walking back, Archer asks a question.

"I saw you had three seals on your hand before stabbing me…Why did you give up being Saber's Master?"

"I trust you more than her."

"Not exactly a high bar…but I appreciate that…" He says before going quiet.

"…What are you thinking?" Rin asks.

"…In a roundabout way, posing in an outfit for command seals counts as prostitution." Archer says, and Cu bends forward, hands on his knees as he starts laughing.

Rin waits a moment, and after seeing him continue to laugh pushes him down the stone stairs, and Cu Chulainn laughs the entire way down.

"I know you're just saying that to make me waste a command seal." Rin says and Archer clicks his tongue.

"Though the tiara was nice." Rin says and Archer looks at her askance.

"Because the jewels were real and can be used for my mage craft!"

"Oh...right…"

'…It was also quite nice…wonder if I can find that store?' Rin thinks.

 

[Davos]

"Really Rin? I mean Really? You think you can vote me into the doghouse with just you and Cu? Medusa is abstaining so where do you think you'll get the majority?" Illya asks with a smug grin that barely falters when Rin merely smiles back.

Then Rin raises her hand showing she has three command seals.

Illya pales and glances at Archer who smiles stiffly.

Illya lowers herself while looking at him with big eyes.

"You wouldn't let me live in a dog house, would you big brother?"

"Please don't call me that…" Archer says.

"It's actually quite comfortable in there." Cu says with a snicker.

"See? It would just me utterly remiss if I didn't give you this opportunity…You should be grateful~." Rin says, making Illya glare while summoning a bird.

"We are still voting no." Sella says while placing a hand on Illya before looking at Cu who glances away.

"Shame…but as nice as that sight would have been, that is not what I really wanted anyway. I want to vote to have Illya stay at the temple with Kazuma and-"

"I would rather live in a dog house then with that dog!" Illya shouts.

"Aren't you two friends?"

"Only in bothering you…I don't want to imagine what he'll do to me while waiting for you…"

"I don't think you're his type…and what do you mean by that?"

"Of course you would know that…And you should know, since were running over to him recently~." Illya says, making Rin clench a fist.

"I just know he wouldn't go for you with your maids around." Rin says, making Illya's eye twitch.

"And that is supposed to sway this vote in your favor?" Sella asks with crossed arms.

"Of course not…I apologize, I was unclear." Rin says, making Sella raise an eyebrow.

"Only Illya has to go. Not you or Leysritt."

"You call that a concession?"

"I thought you would like some time away from your mistress? And I'll have to do some errands the next few evenings." Rin asks while glancing towards Cu Chulainn to get the point across to Sella, who promptly blushes and grins a moment before recovering.

"…How lewd of you, missy." Cu says, making Rin vibrate a moment.

Sella opens her mouth to protest but doesn't speak.

Illya and Leysritt look at her.

"…Sella?" Illya asks and Sella remains quiet.

"Sella?" Illya asks again.

"Go for it. I'll take care of Mistress." Leysritt says with a thumbs up.

"Leysritt!" Illya shouts.

"I think we should start the vote." Sella says, leaving Illya open mouthed.

Rin nearly busts out laughing.

She finally laughs after the vote.

She laughs as Illya packs her suitcase.

She laughs harder as Illya glares at her from beyond the gate.

"…You know she's probably going to remember this and torment Saber right?" Archer asks.

"I know, and I hope she makes Saber suffer~."

"…I know you have your issues with her, but I still don't like hearing that…"

"Why? Oh right you mentioned you were on better terms in a prior timeline…mind if I ask about that?" Rin asks and Archer vividly recalls that night in an abandoned building with Saber and Rin.

"…We were good friends…" Archer says while glancing away.

Rin looks at him unconvinced.

Cu also looks unconvinced.

Sella doesn't care as she drags Cu away.

Even Medusa looks unconvinced as she appears upside down from the window, startling Rin and Archer.

"Why are you-?!"

"It's quieter out here."

"…That's fair. Got room for one more?" Rin asks.

"No, you're the cause for most of the noise." Medusa says before slithering back up to the roof.



===



Illya and Leysritt settle into a room before Saber gives them a tour of the temple while wearing a maid outfit like Sella and Leysritt's.

"Where did you get this?" Leysritt asks.

"…That accursed store has impressive variety." Saber says as Medea appears with a bag in hand.

"…I just got changed damn it…" Saber says.

"This isn't for you." Kazuma says from the door way as Medea hands the bag to Illya.

"I am not wearing anything you two pick out."

"What if I told you…"



===

Rin skips happily down the hall when a phone rings. She picks it up, still smiling.

"Hello!"

"Rin, I must inquire about-"

Rin hangs up, her smile falling just as fast.

The phone rings again.

She lets it go to voice mail as she leaves.

"If you do not answer the phone I will give copies of the audio recordings of your sessions to the young man staying at your place."

"What the Hell is wrong with you!?" Rin shouts upon picking up the phone.

"It worked."

"What happened to confidentiality?!"

"That is only with confessions. Do not change the subject Rin, I am becoming increasingly worried about your morals and mental state and-"

"Are you seriously going that angle while you're the housing the guy that tried to kill me!?"

"…I have my plans Rin…and that doesn't pardon the indecent things you have done lately."

"H-how did you know about what happened at the temple?"

"…What happened at the temple Rin?" Kirei asks in a deeper voice, making Rin shudder, a small smile on her face before she shakes her head.

Archer sees the grin from afar, his hearing picking up the conversation.

'…So that's where she got the fetishes…' Archer thinks as Rin coughs into a fist and straightens up, a glint in her eye.

"You know…Offering phone sex out of a church is hardly fitting behavior."

"It is not illegal, and what did I say about changing the subject?"

"I'm sure having a minor work a phone sex line is quite illegal." Rin says and Kirei goes quiet.

"In a roundabout way, it could be considered sexual exploitation by a priest."

"Are you seriously going that angle?"

"Are you seriously denying it? I'm sure the police would have a field day with you~….How many guns and explosives does Shirou have? How many more skeletons do you have in your closet Kirei? Or should I say… basement~?" Rin asks.

"…What are you saying Rin?"

"Oh, what I'm saying is…~"



===

"…I can't believe I am wearing this…" Illya says while in a pink magical girl outfit.

"It looks very cute on you mistress." Leysritt says while dressed in black armor with a black fur cape, and a black head piece, and black thigh highs while holding a black flag staff.

"That isn't the issue here…Least the pay off will be worth it." Illya says with flat eyes.

"At least this isn't the worst thing they had me wear…" Saber says while dressed in blue jacket, black short shorts, blue thigh highs and boots.

"It's not like any of them are indecent." Kazuma says as he and Medea take pictures.

Saber and Illya look flatly as Leysritt strikes poses.



===

Shirou and Gilgamesh look at the pale Kirei as he enters the room.

"Why the frown Kirei? You look like you have seen a ghost."

"…I need you both to get more clients."

"…I'm not really fond of doing that outside of training." Shirou says.

"Unfortunately, young man, a new expense has popped up…"

"…Are you being blackmailed by your ward?" Gilgamesh asks with a frown.

"…Yes, and it's due tomorrow night."

"Must be God's will after killing her dad." Shirou says, making Gilgamesh laugh.

"It appears you need some late night judo training." Kirei says, making Shirou groan and Gilgamesh laugh harder.



===

Archer materializes near Medusa on the roof.

"I do not usually see you here. I thought you enjoyed causing discomfort to the young woman?"

"I do, but I need a break from hearing…that sound." He says.

"From what sound?" Medusa asks.

"Stay quiet and you'll hear it." He says, and after a moment they hear it.

"…How are they that loud?" Medusa asks with red cheeks.

"The lancer class is known for their agility…" Archer says.

Rin meanwhile has two pillows over her head.

'I made a horrible mistake.' She thinks as she still hears every creak, nullifying any progress on getting sleep.

 

[Davos]

Rin grips the handrail while going downstairs, her steps shaky, her eyes marred with bags from a sleepless night, her glower intensifying when she sees the cause cooking in her kitchen, whistling, smiling, and enjoying life.

'I so want to strangle you…'

"Morning Red, how you-Woah…"

Lancer's smile falls when he sees the worse than usual morning mess that is Rin Tohsaka.

"Didn't you get any sleep last night?" He asks while trying not to look at her squinted eyes.

She almost attacks when she sees Sella enter the room with a contended yawn in casual clothes while brushing down some of her bed head.

"My, aren't you relaxed?" Rin says, making Sella glance away.

"Is it…that obvious?"

"Yes." Rin says at the same time as Rider and Archer materialize in the room.

Archer sneezes, and Rider coughs a moment.

"…Did you two catch a cold?" Sella asks.

"Yes." Archer says.

"No…my throat is sore from singing all night to drown out the…uh…" Medusa trails off, trying to find a word.

"Night long noise complaint from your room." Rin says, making Sella blush brightly before leaving the room with a cute squeak.

Cu looks away while finishing the breakfast and bringing it to Sella.

'I thought things would get better…' Rin thinks before sitting down to breakfast.

"Archer, you can make things other than weapons right?"

"I…guess? Divine weapons and Excalibur are beyond me, but I can do repairs. Do you want to me to make insulation for their room?"

"No, I want you to make money to pay for a hotel room."

"Absolutely not. First off, there is an exceptional amount of security measure in currency to prevent counterfeiting, and second that is just plain wrong."

"Do you want to go through another night like this?"

"Hearing Medusa sing again would be very nice." Archer says making Rider blush again.

"Then I guess I have no other choice." Rin says while getting up and getting ready.

"Where are you going?"

"The temple…we can't take another night like this, especially since we only have 3 days left! We need to be in top shape, and make some semblance of a plan if we are to have any chance against those bastards and whatever they are planning!"

===

"You're…a bad girl…" Shirou says with vacant eyes.

Gilgamesh would normally reprimand him for that lackluster delivery.

But he is too tired from his own sessions to muster the energy.

"You are…a true Jezebel…" Kirei says with equally vacant eyes.

"Seriously? I kinda dug the holy thing you're doing when this started but this is getting too much! Can you be less preachy?"

They all look at each other and hang up at the same time with the same thought.

'Fuck Rin and her extortion.'

===

Rin sluggishly goes up the steps, taking a few breaks to wake herself so she doesn't trip and fall backwards.

"What are you doing To-" Issei stops when Rin looks at him with pinpoint hollow eyes. Issei remains rooted in place even after she leaves.

'That glare…it was like a gorgon!' Issei thinks while shivering in the sun.

Meanwhile Rin finds Kazuma making Saber and Illya pose reluctantly in either white armor with red accents and a horned helm, or a school girl uniform respectively.

Leysritt meanwhile is wearing a black frilly dress, boots, and has a blindfold over one eye so she can see as she follows every instruction with zeal.

"…Why is she enjoying this?" Saber asks.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I think she's so bored from maid duties, anything else is a thrill…"

"You must really suck as a master." Rin says.

"How dare yo-oh God!" Illya pales from Rin's glare.

"You're scaring the talent, get out!" Kazuma says.

"I want her back."

"What?!" Kazuma and Illya say at the same time. Then Illya grins.

"Did your blackmail backfire?~"

"Horribly…" Rin says, making Illya freeze from the direct honesty.

"…You must be tired if you're not even arguing…" Kazuma says.

"I am…"

"…Are you willing to do an-"

"Yes."

Everyone present looks on in silence.

After a moment Kazuma speaks.

"What the Hell happened last night?"

"Lancer has 'Battle Continuation', and so does Sella." Rin says in monotone.

"I could have gone without hearing that…" Illya says with vacant eyes.

"Try hearing it all night." Rin says before sneezing.

"Great…I got Archer's cold too…" Rin mutters before sneezing again.

Kazuma waits a moment before raising a hand, drawing sour looks from all the women.

Even Medea looks flatly at him.

Leysritt even stopped grinning.

"Go ahead…I'll even risk flashing on the way back if it gets me a decent night's sleep." Rin says with vacant eyes.

"Cure Poison." Kazuma says and a magic glow appears around Rin, and a moment later she stands straighter, eye bags gone, eyes darting in shock.

"I…feel better? I even feel like I had a good night's sleep!"

"That spell gets rid of poison and toxins…guess it helps with sleep deprivation too." Kazuma says and Rin looks at him a moment longer in silence.

'Huh…That was surprisingly dec- wait a minute…'

"…Do you just want me wide awake for whatever deranged outfit you want me to wear to get peace for the next 3 days?"

"That is one reason. I also figured we should probably go over the plan a few times since we only have 3 days, and you looking like Rider's legend wasn't going to help."

"…Fair enough." Rin says and they go into a room to discuss the plan.

===

Archer materializes back onto the roof with a pot of tea and two cups. Rider is covering her ears.

He pours a cup and starts humming loudly so Rider can drink without hearing the limit testing of a mattress.

"Thank you…I'm surprised you're here again after the cold."

"I recover quickly. Besides, the tea will help and I thought it would help with your throat after the strain last night."

"…I would have offered to make some but, I am not much help in a kitchen."

"You do seem unused to it, which is hardly surprising." Archer says drawing a frown from Medusa.

"That came out poorly…I meant because you are a servant."

"So are you, and your meals are delicious."

"I am unusual among servants. The vast majority were warriors or rulers or other figures that we're not known for proficiency in domestic matters."

"Heracles did clean stables as one of his labors." Rider says with a grin.

"Somehow I don't think causing a flood counts." Archer says, getting a small laugh from Medusa before they sip in silence.

Then they hear the stress testing again.

"…It is getting late. Want to help me with dinner?"

"Did you forget how pitiful I am in the kitchen?"

"Would you rather stay up here with-"

"Lead the way."

===

"I get what we are supposed to do, but…" Saber trails off, now back in her usual attire.

"How are you going to distract Gilgamesh? I doubt he'll fall for the same trick you used before." Medea says.

"I…got that covered." Kazuma says, drawing suspicious glances from Illya and Saber.

"I have plenty of experience in distracting foes much stronger than myself…or at least annoying them into tunnel vision." Kazuma says and they all look at him before realizing he is right.

"…I feel a little hurt you didn't even try to talk me out of that dangerous task."

"You excel a being an unpardonable pest; you angered me into using my Noble Phantasm on the first night." Saber says.

"You made the last day a living Hell with fabric." Illya says.

"That too." Saber says.

"I thought it was nice." Leysritt says.

"Likewise." Medea says, getting looks from Saber and Illya. Then they look at each other and smile, making Medea feel a chill.

"You still annoy and puzzle me even now." Rin says.

"How do I puzzle you?" Kazuma asks.

"Uh…well you-"

"By my command seal, I order you to put on this outfit!" Saber says, making Medea gasp before standing up and walking, bag in hand to the changing room.

"…I'm surprised you didn't think of that sooner." Kazuma says.

"Some of us have standards~." Saber says with a smile as Medea leaves the room, gasping once more as she sees the outfit.

"Kazuma help!" Medea shouts.

"How?!"

"Bribe Saber again!"

"I can't! I was banned from the kitchen! They have a 24/7 watch for me!"

"You were what?! How did you get banned from the kitchen?! Your meals were your only redeeming quality you bastard!" Saber shouts with a slam on the table.

"It's because I refused to shave my head!"

"Then shave it, you degenerate! I'll help!" Saber says, Excalibur in hand now.

"Think we are getting side tracked…And should you really be using a holy sword to cut hair? Seems more likely you'll scalp him." Leysritt says.

"I'm sure he can survive a little scalping."

"Not sure anyone can…And he has some decent qualities." Rin says before blinking at her own words.

"You're just saying that because you're both cut from the same depraved amoral cloth…Magical Baby girl." Saber says, drawing a glare from Rin.

"You really want to talk about morals, miss seduced by steak?"

"I wasn't seduced, I was bribed!"

"Oh, what a world of difference….we both know you open your mouth real easy whenever meat is brought up~." Rin says with a shrug of her shoulders.

"You say that like you didn't deserve it." Saber says, a cracking sound from her knuckles as she tightens the grip on her blade.

"You say that like a woman wronged~."

Saber points her blade at Rin.

Rin brings out a giant jewel and raises her other hand, ready to bring Archer here.

"Yeeeees, it's happening again!" Leysritt says, halberd ready, making Illya look flatly at her while drinking tea.

"…So what are my other decent qualities~?" Kazuma asks, making Rin point the jewel at Kazuma with red cheeks. Saber nudges the sword against Rin's neck.

"Answer the question, you scarlet wench." Artoria says with a smirk.

"…I shouldn't be surprised you're taking his side since he's feeding you lots of mana~."

"Watch your-" Saber stops when she sees Rin poke out her cheek with her tongue.

Saber raises her sword, making it glow.

Rin starts to channel mana into the jewel.

Kazuma starts to panic.

"EX-"

Saber stops when she feels Leysritt's halberd against her neck and three of Illya's birds perch on her arms and head.

"Will you calm down?! I may not have much time left, but I want to live it damn it!" Illya shouts.

"What do you mean you don't have-" Kazuma starts to ask until Saber turns the blade onto Leysritt's neck.

"You think I have a strength rank lower than B like those two idiots?" Saber asks Leysritt.

"You think I wouldn't want to try, O cross dresser of Camelot?" Leysritt says, making Saber stammer before shaking with fury.

"I think we are getting a little too-" Kazuma starts before a scream outside nearly makes them all attack each other.

Going outside they see Medea crimson cheeked in a revealing dancer outfit of white thigh socks, sashes of whiter material barely covering her chest and groin, now further helped by her arms as she looks at the equally red faced Issei.

"You will forget this sight!" Medea squeaks out.

"I will never forget this sight." Issei says, making Medea form tears at her eyes until she tries again and fails.

She eventually succeeds in making Issei think it is a lurid day dream instead.

She then runs away to change back to her normal attire.

The women look at Kazuma in shock.

"How…were you planning to make me wear that?!" Saber asks.

Kazuma is unable to respond, still enthralled by seeing Medea in that outfit, the memory rendering him unable to respond even among the glares from the trio.

"How many of that outfit do you have?" Leysritt asks with a smile, making the trio look at her in shock.

"By my Command Seal, return Rule Breaker to me Saber!"

"But I don't have- ACK!" Saber yells out when Rule Breaker lodges itself into her head, making her fall to the ground.

She gets up and walks over to Medea, knife still in her head, until she gets closer and pulls out of her head, handing it to Medea with the most venomous glare, maintaining it even as she is stabbed again.

"…I don't think this alliance is going to last another here days…" Rin says.

"The outfit was from a surprise package…I'll return the one outfit and talk to the store owner about this…you can also have Illya back to help maintain sanity on your end." Kazuma says.

"Thanks…Would it be possible for me to learn that spell?"

"I'm not sure…learning magic from that world probably works differently than here."

"Shame…Would be useful for me." Rin says before leaving with Illya. They stop when they see Leysritt stand there.

"...I think I should stay here to help make sure Saber doesn't kill them."

"…You want to dress up more don't you?" Illya asks.

"That is one reason…I also think Saber is ready to go on a killing spree."

"…I'll send Rider over here to help keep the peace." Rin says.

"Thanks…" Kazuma says as they leave the temple and separate, Rin and Illya for Rin's place, and Kazuma to this special clothing store.

Illya looks up at Rin.

"So what are his other good qualities~?" Illya asks.

Rin grabs a fistful of Illya's hair and drags her back by her hair the entire walk back.

===

The walk back eventually ends, and Rin lets go of Illya's hair. They enter and hear whispers in the kitchen.

"Was this what you meant by help~?"

"No…But I'm not against this if you a-" Archer stops when he sees Rin and Illya come around the corner, both of them open mouthed at seeing Rider with Emiya's arms wrapped around her, her hand caressing his cheek in return.

They separate, Archer with slightly red cheeks and scratching the back of his head, and Medusa with fully red cheeks as she flees, dematerializing in mid run.

"…Dinner is almost ready."

"What the Hell Archer? I specifically got her back to deal with those two!" Rin says as specks of ceiling material fall on top of Rin and Illya as a now familiar creaking is heard above them. Illya looks up with wide eyes.

"Is…that…"

"Yes…"

"Oh my God…And I thought Kazuma made the temple a den of sin, but you outdone him in spades Tohsaka!"

Rin drags Illya up the stairs.

"I don't want to see that!"

"Too bad!" Rin says with a sadistic smile.

'…Eh, only got 2 days now, I'll do that later tonight.' Emiya thinks as squeaking screams are heard a moment later.

===
"Welcome! Here to make a purchase so soon?" A red haired girl in a white coat, black mini skirt, and black leggings says as she returns to the counter.

"I didn't expect you back, so what would you-" She stops when Kazuma places the bag with dancer outfit in front of her.

"I'm returning this."

"Oh, really? Thought for sure you would like that surprise outfit…"

"I…do, but it caused a lot of issues." Kazuma says and the red head tilts her head, her side ponytail swaying slightly.

"Surprising…None of the other outfits did?" She asks while taking the outfit back and begins the process of refunding Kazuma.

"They did, but none like this Ritsuka."

"Call me Gudako. Think we are beyond formalities after this many purchases."

"Sorry…guess I'm just not used to normal girls after this long."

"…Are you falling for me?"

"No!"

"Didn't think I was that repulsive…"

"No, you're cute and- wait…I forgot your brother mentioned you're kind of a smartass…which makes sense with what you sell here." Kazuma says, making Gudako blow a raspberry at him.

"…You're lucky to have such great variety of clothing."

"Not lucky, I got connections…do you want to do an exchange instead since you're here? Got some new outfits an hour ago."

"You know it!"

 

[Davos]

Even after everything the past week and a half, Rin is still stymied from whatever greets her first thing in the morning.

This time it is Medusa in jeans and a nice sweater.

"Where did you get clothes? And such….normal ones at that?!" Rin asks.

"Archer bought them for me…" Medusa says.

"You used my money to but clothes and seduce Rider?"

"I-I'm not…"

"No, I projected some money." Archer says before sipping some tea.

"I thought you said you couldn't do that? And when did you get the time? It's barely past 7am!" Rin says with eyes that make Medusa glance away.

"We couldn't sleep due to a certain pair of miscreants so we had walked around at night, and didn't want Medi getting a cold."

"Emiya!"

"Sorry…also no, I said it was difficult and wrong…not impossible." Archer says with a one eyed smirk as Rin bends a spoon in her hand.

The spoon snaps when she hears the now familiar percussion upstairs.

"She's your maid, why is she doing this still?! And after last night too!"

"…She won't to listen to me…" Illya says with vacant eyes.

"You're useless." Rin says.

"T-that's a little harsh…It's difficult making people not chase what they want."

"You're going back to the temple." Rin says at Rider.

"No!" Archer and Rider say at the same time.

"This is nonnegotiable! You're needed there to keep Saber in check, and besides, this is my home, not a love hotel for servants, and will you two STOP!?" Rin says while looking towards the ceiling.

The lurid sound stops a moment.

Then continues at a break neck pace, followed by the breaking of furniture.

Rin stands up.

"By my command seal, you are not to touch Rider, Archer!"

"Hey!" Archer says, making Medusa blush and scowl slightly while playing with some hair.

"And not let her touch you!" Rin says, a mark vanishing from her hand, making both servants frown fully as she heads for the door. She stops and sees Illya trailing her.

"I'm going alone."

"Take me with you! They're all sex obsessed!"

Illya cries as Rin closes and locks the door with magic, smiling at Illya's cries.

===

"What could she have possibly asked for that would warrant this much extra work Kirei?" Gilgamesh asks with a frown.

"…She asked for a barrel of jewels."

"That's it?" Gilgamesh says.

"What do you mean 'that's it'?! You know her family's obsession with jewelry!" Kirei says.

"She never struck me as that crazy about it…high end sure, but not the type to go out with that much in accessories." Emiya says.

"It's part of their mage craft and-" The thump of a barrel landing next to Kirei shuts him up.

"…Did you forget he is wealthier than anyone on the planet?" Emiya asks.

"No, he just never shares it with me…why the change in heart, King of Heroes?"

"I refuse to be made exhausted by your extortion…and by your ward of all people. I would think her fondness of being treated as a bad nun would make her easy for you to control."

"She has a fondness of what?!" Kirei asks with wide eyes of true horror. A moment later he leaves the room, shaken, and muttering about not looking forward to this call.

"…I'm genuinely surprised he never knew of Rin's phone calls here."

"Confidentially on my end…though I hare your surprise. I thought it would leak over in their usual interactions." Gilgamesh says before summoning a bottle of wine and sipping.

"Something on your mind?"

"Mostly curious what you plan to do with Tohsaka. You seem oddly…amused I guess is the word? By her."

"I am, but I won't take her first. You can have that joy."

"T-that wasn't what I was talking about!"

"I know, but it was something I have been meaning to discuss with you."

"…You're playing matchmaker now?"

"It was once part of my duties as a king. And I did not expect you to be against it. I thought you would relish having the woman who caused you such hardship be broken at your feet?"

"You mean Saber?"

"Yes…but I had my eye on her for too long, and I doubt you can adequately train her yet."

"I…I'm not sure I…" Shirou stammers, not finishing his sentence.

'HAhaha…so much like Kirei before he kill Tokiomi. I can see the interest in his eyes despite his words.' Gilgamesh thinks before seeing Shirou return to a serious expression.

"What are you thinking?"

"She wants jewels right? She never said where we had to get them and I don't think she deserves any from your treasury."

Gilgamesh takes a moment to realize what Shirou is planning before grinning and laughing.

===

Rin and Issei look at each other at the temple entrance.

"Why are you here wit-"

"Still not in the mood Issei, stand aside."

"I'm not listening to you girly."

Rin takes a deep breath before smiling.


===

The group inside hears Issei screaming down the stairs and come to the same conclusion.

Rin's here.

A moment later she enters.

"Where is Rider?" Medea asks.

"She refuses to leave, so I want you to use a command seal to bring her here."

"Why is she refusing?"

"She and Archer are-"

"Understood."

"…I didn't finish."

"Considering what happened with the Child of Light and Illya's maid, you don't need to…I'm starting to think your home was blessed by Aphrodite."

"More like cursed…speaking of cursed, where's Kazuma?" Rin asks.

"I'm not surprised that's one of the first things out of your mouth…You certainly are fond of his few decent qualities~." Saber says with a sweet smile, making Medea take photos.

"Finally! If you smiled like that earlier, you could have been done already!"

"How could I smile while dressed like this?! It's a more ridiculous bunny outfit than the other one!" Saber shouts while pointing to the outfit, a white sundress with blue and white stockings, bunny ears, and frills all over.

"It's not as revealing, doesn't that count for something?"

"I look like a ridiculous doll in this!"

"Don't be absurd, you always look ridiculous~." Rin says with a sweet smile.

The sweet smile falls when Medea hands her a bag.

"No."

"It's the requirement if you want to use Rule Breaker to get your seals on Archer back~."

"…I'll stab him during the battle instead." Rin says and heads further in, seeing a frowning Kazuma, stone faced Leysritt, and a rip in the inter-dimensional boundary.

"So…you really can't do anything against Gilgamesh?"

"I'm sorry…he's one of the few foes that gives Gods genuine trouble…I can't even curse his luck…still can't believe he is here." Eris says.

"So about Illya…?"

"…Homunculi are kind of an odd case with regards to the afterlife, but I'll look into it." Eris says and Leysritt smiles before the rip closes.

"…I'm guessing God isn't on our side?" Rin asks.

"She is in spirit, but not in practical ability…Goldy's presence alone makes getting blessings difficult."

"Guess we at least got leeway if we die…" Rin says with slumped shoulders. A light envelopes her.

"Cure poison."

"…Thanks, but that wasn't why I came here." Rin says, feeling much better.

"You want to send Illya back?"

"No, take Rider!"

"She's refusing? Wait, I thought she would be the least troublesome?!"

"I fear she'll be a horror the next two days…and Archer along with her."

"…I think you have E rank luck."

"I think so too…"

"I doubt I can help, but Medea and I can come over and try talking with her…"

"Thanks…"

===

When they arrive at Rin's place they find a broken window and Illya sitting in the dog house with a few bottles of water and some food.

'…I would enjoy this sight normally, but I fear if she did that, that this is some kind of Hell I'm walking into…' Rin thinks with a frown as they pass Illya without a word.

Inside the house is quiet.

Too quiet.

"…I'm going to splash my face with some water before talking to them." Rin says and goes to her room. Inside she sees a phone lodged into the wall, all of it but the handset buried in the wall.

Then it starts.

"Hey baby girl~." Archer says on the line, making Rin freeze.

"Why you little-" Rin says, bringing up her hand, ready to make good on her promise.

"Archer!" Rider shouts, making Rin freeze stop again, and Medea and Kazuma turn to the door.

"Its mommy~." Rider says in a sweeter tone.

"My apologies…where were we?"

"You were just describing how you were going to tie me up like Ri's favorite meal~." Rider says, making Rin groan and pale, making Kazuma and Medea press an ear to the door to hear better.

"Was that all you wanted?"

"How could you forget? You promised to show me all of your Unlimited Blades and how they…work~." Rider says in sultry tone while biting back laughter as Rin starts to groan.

"I don't think infinite blades can withstand your riding skill."

"So you'll deny me the bone of your sword?"

"How can I? Your gaze alone makes me rock-

"Archer, Rider, enough!" Rin shouts at the wall, making the pair of them devolve into laughter.

"Why are you mad Rin? I'm just following your order…I'm not touching Rider, and Rider isn't touching me." Archer says in between laughs.

"Surely you don't have a problem with kinky talk over the phone…Magical Baby Girl~?" Rider asks.

Rin stammers in shock and pain.

Then the Irish cardio exam begins at a loud pace.

"Seriously?!"

"That was not part of the plan…but God is this the definition of serendipity." Archer says, making Rin scream while packing a bag.

"Medea…how far away are they?" Kazuma asks with red cheeks.

"….They are two floors away and in one of the farthest corners… "

"It sounds much closer than that…"

"Indeed…I'm not sure which will give out first, her ears, her mind, or her body…" Medea says with a shudder and red cheeks.

'I probably would never have become a witch if Jason had that kind of physicality…'

A moment later Rin comes out of her room with scarlet cheeks and a bag.

"Why do you-"

"I can't live here anymore; I'm coming to the temple!"

"You can't- The temple doesn't-" They both stop upon hearing the faster tempo from the one room, followed by a low scream.

Rin stops by Illya's room, packs a quick bag, and they leave the house. Rin hands Illya a bag and they being walking.

"Cure Poison." Kazuma casts on all of them.

"I don't think it helps with mental trauma Kazuma." Medea says.

"Worth a shot…" He says.

"Thanks though…" Rin says and they all head to the temple, Illya pondering something the whole walk back.

A few minutes later Shirou leaves the Tohsaka residence, a bag of jewels in his bag, wide eyed at the depravity of the house.

'…Is high libido a servant requirement?' He thinks while listlessly walking back to the church.

===

When the clock strikes midnight, Rider hears a knock on her door. Opening it she sees Archer.

"Hello Archer…Though I am not against seeing you, I thought the command seal-" She stops when he cups her face.

"A benefit of being an Archer, orders like that typically only last a day…and I thought this would be a fine time as any to see if that other outfit fits you." He says with a one eyed grin.

Medusa matches his smile and pulls him into the room.

 

[Davos]

Rin glares at Issei, and Issei glares back with monks behind him.

"You can't stay here…Don't you have a giant house?"

"I have a pest problem at the moment."

"Don't you have money for a hotel?"

"I…am in a tight spot at the moment…" Rin says.

"Don't you have a connection at the church? You can stay there for a bit can't-"

Issei shuts up when he hears the crack of Rin's knuckle.

"I don't want to go there at any moment!" Rin says through clenched teeth.

"…I'll make sure she behaves?"

"This isn't about goodwill Kazuma…And even if it was, the blonde friend is exasperating that."

"What did Elizabeth do?" Kazuma and Medea ask at the same time.

"She started cutting down trees to vent her frustration…"

"I…see…But one or two trees aren't that big of a deal is it?"

"It was 14." Issei says as another falling tree is heard along with Kazuma's hope for convincing Issei.

"15 now…It's honestly as impressive as it is vexing." Issei says as Medea cups her head.

"Can't leave her alone…" She mutters before going to the sound of the falling tree.

"They really have nowhere to go…" Kazuma says.

"Well they can't stay here." Issei says and Illya looks at him with big round eyes, fake tears forming that forces him to look away.

"…She can stay until she gets her situation figured out." Issei says and Illya enters the temple, only stopping to smirk at Rin from the other side when the monks aren't looking.

"…Isn't kindness a tenant of monks?" Rin asks.

"So is not being thrown down a flight of stairs!"

"Sounds like you need to work on yourself…you were so easy to toss around~." Rin says with a smile, making a vein appear on Issei's head

"…You think this will work?" Kazuma asks.

"He's not going to let me in, so I may as well have fun with it."

"Then get out, can't you stay at Emiya's? Weren't you visiting him lately?"

"That is not an-" Rin stops when she realizes something. She pulls Kazuma down the stairs.

"I know he's being a jerk, but he did mention something we didn't consider…What are the odds Emiya actually is there?"

"I mean…it makes sense he would be there or the church due to Gilgamesh…then again Cu did get the potatoes so he might not be there…Wait, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"

"Crash at Emiya's, empty his fridge, and mess up the place?" Rin asks with a grin.

Kazuma gives her a thumbs up.

Rin returns the gesture after a moment of existential horror that they are in full agreement.



===



Cu Chulainn and look at the ceiling in an exhausted reverie, unable to sleep.

Not due to restlessness…but due to the noise a floor below.

'Wonder if this is what they heard the last few days…' Cu thinks before looking at Sella sleep peacefully despite the noise from the room and a ringing phone.



===



"You're sure you see no one?" Rin asks.

"Not a soul." Kazuma says.

"…How far does this enhanced vision of yours go?"

"Far…I can also see clearly in darkness."

"…Sounds like you got the makings of an Archer servant."

"I did learn that from the archer class." Kazuma says before they head inside and claim some rooms.

"Seems he hasn't been back here since that fight." Rin says.

"Guess he thought the church was a more practical place to stay at." Kazuma says before taking a knife to a section of wall, cutting the paper with glee.

"Should you really be doing that now?"

"Not much else time for it; In the chance he wins he at least gets to see his home ruined. Besides, it's soothing and doesn't the bastard deserve it?" He asks and after a moment Rin smiles.

"You're right." She says before going to grab a knife herself.

"Can you say that again?"

"Don't push it." She says with a wink before they begin destroying a number of the unnecessary sections; Cutting the walls in guest rooms, hammering sections of the counters, and throwing chairs from the roof to watch it splinter. A few minutes later they go to the shed for tools to help in their wanton destruction and find Shirou's training ground.

Rin looks at Kazuma, and he looks back.

They both grin evilly.



===



Shirou returns to the church, still red cheeked as Kirei dials a phone again.

"You alright?"

"Just trying to call my ward…she isn't picking up the phone."

"It is late…she was probably one of the noises I heard…" Shirou says with a renewed blush, drawing a raised brow from Kirei.

"Noises?"

"Before I answer that…is perversion or a high libido a requirement for servants?" Shirou asks, getting a stunned face from Kirei and loud laugh from Gilgamesh.

"Not all servants have my taste young man."

"To better answer your odd question…No, it is not a requirement. It is usually some degree of fame and, well you know the requirements…why the question young man?"

"Could have fooled me the servants staying at her place having an orgy." Shirou says and Kirei pales.

"Are you sure it is not just one pair? I cannot imagine they would be so remiss to have no one keeping watch." Gilgamesh asks.

"It was far too loud for only one couple…" Shirou says.

"Maybe your ward is, I believe the term is, 'getting busy'?" Gilgamesh asks with a grin, making Kirei resumes trying to call Rin.



===



"And…done! This shed is now a fire hazard!" Kazuma says while looking over the pile of newspaper, cardboard boxes, and chunk of Saber cut log.

"That took longer than expected…surprised the temple was ok with handing the wood over." Rin says.

"Not our issue and either way I think we deserve a celebration!" Kazuma says while going into the main house.

"Agreed…anything good in the pantry or do you want to order in?" Rin asks before entering the house herself and seeing Kazuma with a big bottle of liquor and two cups.

"Where did you find that?!"

"It was in a secret compartment with a note that said 'Taiga's, back off!"

"How did you find it?"

"Skill for finding treasures. Works on minor stashes like this too." He says while pouring the cups with ease.

"…Aren't you about my age? You seem oddly at ease with a bottle."

"Oh…yeah forgot about. I drank a lot in the other world. The age requirement is lower over there."

"I suppose that was a stupid question. You being halfway to a drunk makes perfect sense."

"I'm not a drunk." Kazuma says with an even voice.

"Spoken like a man that found the secret liquor spot and poured himself a cup."

"Should you really be trying to point out other people's vices?"

"Watch it."

"You're right…you obviously have none~."

Rin takes a deep breath.

"I'm going to bed after changing the sheets in Shirou's room."

"I'm sleeping in that room." Kazuma says.

"No, I'm going there to mess it up later."

"That's my plan!"

"Well you'll have to adapt, because it's mine!" Rin says, looking more flatly at him as he offers her a drink.

"What, you afraid I spiked it right in front of you?"

"No but am I to suppose to believe that you won't try to get me drunk and do things to me?"

"I literally had you willing to do anything earlier and instead cured you into rational thinking again."

"That…ok, that much is true."

"Besides, vandalism and arson is fine, but one drink is a bridge too far for you? I suppose you are still just a callow youth~." Kazuma says before taking a drink.

And nearly coughs it out.

Rin starts to laugh while pointing at him.

"Big talk for a guy that can't hold his drink!"

"I can hold my drink! I was just a little out of it after this long without it!" He says before taking another drink, groaning at the burn, and grimacing at Rin's teary eyed laughing.

Then she takes a cup.

"I suppose one drink is fine, if nothing else to make you feel better during what might be one of our final nights alive." Rin says with a smirk before drinking, and coughing herself.

"My, what big talk."

"Stow it, I didn't have practice in another world!" Rin manages to say with a hand at her throat.

"Still better than you~." Rin says as he refills both cups.

"How about a bet then for who gets the room?"

"Only if you don't use that spell."

"I want to win this fair and square, Magical Baby Girl"

"Then you're on Scumzuma~." Rin says and they clink glasses.

 

[Davos]

Rin wakes up refreshed, a pleasant surprise even with the hints that the headache will get worse later.

'Still…rather surprising how hard the pillow is in Emiya's room…But that's a small annoyance for winning that bet against Kazuma. Even if I don't recall winning the bet and having the most vivid-'

She opens her eyes and sees it's not a pillow her head is on but Kazuma's shoulder.

'Oh God it wasn't a dream, that means-! Oh God I did all that!…Oh God, Kirei was right, liquor is the devil's invention…Oh God Kirei was right!…' She thinks with red cheeks that grow redder still when Kazuma stirs a moment later and looks at her with equally flushed cheeks in silence.

"…Morning…." Kazuma says, unsure where to look.

"…Morning…" Rin says with darting eyes before they begin the awkward act of separating and not looking at the other as they dress.

While bathing Rin feels a number of bite marks on her body, mainly her neck, chest…and butt.

'Oh God, he bit my defenseless ass last night!' Rin thinks before dressing and leaving the room and putting on a scarf to hide the more visible bites.

"I'll uh…eat a bit later. I'm going to stop by the pharmacy…" Rin says.

"Alright…I'll cook something in the meanwhile…Unless you want me to walk with-"

"NO! I mean…Thank you, but I'll be getting something that will be embarrassing enough without you…Uh, That didn't come out well…"

"That's ok…I think I know what you mean…" Kazuma says with wide eyes as he feels himself.

'Why is there a bite mark on my ass? Why would she-..Oh God…she's doing it on purpose…' Kazuma thinks with vacant eyes, a long forgotten trauma remerging as he is left alone in the estate.



===

"Why do you look so sleep deprived Lancer?" Archer asks from the kitchen.

Cu Chulainn merely looks at Emiya with a scowl.

After a moment Medusa blushes profusely and dematerializes.

"…I'm a little surprised I slept through it…" Sella says.

Archer just laughs and laughs and laughs.

Lancer picks up his spear and attacks Archer, prompting a fight, a clash of steel that goes into the hall.

Sella sighs and finishes cooking breakfast.

'Rin needs to redo the insulation here…' Sella thinks as the phone rings.



===

Shirou is disturbed at seeing Kirei slumped over his desk, phone in hand.

"…Did you sleep at all last night?"

"No…"

"…I didn't expect you to worry about your ward all night after learning you killed her father and other deeds…"

"He is an odd man." Gilgamesh says as Kirei finally sleeps on the desk, the phone going to voicemail once again.

"I guess no training today."

"You are more than ready…besides, there is a Kamen Rider marathon today."



===



The pharmacy clerk hands Rin the morning after pill with a professional, practiced smile.

Rin can feel the waves of judgment.

She is half sure it's not all her imagination.

"Would you like some protection for next time?" The clerk asks, gesturing the stand with condoms.

"There…won't be a next time."

'Probably…'

"Of course…I just thought you would like it on hand…You know, when I was your age-"

"Goodbye!" Rin says, bag in hand.

'Least one of the worst parts is over with…I should probably try to talk with Kazuma about this before tomorrow…' Rin thinks with a mental sigh before leaving the pharmacy and bumping into four familiar faces.

Saber looks at her like complete garbage.

Medea's mouth hangs open.

Leysritt is stone faced.

Illya is smiling while starting to cackle.

"…It's not what you think. It's cold medicine." Rin lies with a frown while pointing to her scarf despite the warm weather.

"Lying harlot."

"Saber!" Medea says.

"…Why are you four out at this hour?" Rin asks with an eye twitch as Saber grins.

"We thought a morning at a café would be nice team building experience." Illya says.

"They promised me a muffin the size of my head…they also don't trust me alone at the temple." Saber says.

"Do you have any idea how many monks I had to hypnotize?!" Medea says while jabbing a finger into Saber's cheek.

Saber bites the finger, getting a short scream of pain.

"…Why are you lying? The shape of that bag is not a bottle of cold medicine." Leysritt says, making Rin's eye twitch.

"And how would you know from the shape of a bag?"

"Sella sends me out on simple errands all the time. I know the shape of bags with all types of contents… and that is not cold medicine!" Leysritt says while pointing at the bag, making Rin place the bag behind her back.

"Well, you're wrong. It is medicine and I-"

Illya raises a hand with a smile.

"What are you-"

"Steal!" She shouts and a bright light emits from her hand, shocking everyone present.

When it fades, Rin's scarf is in Illya's hand, exposing the bite marks on Rin's neck.

"You unbelievable little-!" Rin stammers while cupping her neck as Illya laughs and twirls the scarf around in the air.

"Harlot."

"S-Saber! It is not nice to make fun of people for their interests!" Medea says.

"What if being made fun of is one of their interests?" Saber asks while looking Rin square in the eye with crossed arms.

"I am not a masochist!" Rin whispers.

Leysritt stifles a laugh the same time as Saber lets out a single laugh before chuckling.

Illya laughs harder.

Rin picks Illya up from her head and shakes her to let go of the scarf; an attempt made more difficult while trying to hide her neck.

"How did you learn that spell?!"

"I'm surprised you didn't! HAHA When he used hehe 'Cure Poison' or whatever it was, I felt the flow of mana and managed to reverse engineer the magic…Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you couldn't, I'm a genius, who tested it last night while you were probably too busy getting mana~!" Illya says before devolving into further laughter.

"Wait…are you the reason Saber's outfits went missing last night?!" Medea asks.

"HAHAHA!" Illya merely continues laughing as Medea steps closer before a hand clamps on her neck.

"I will not let you hurt mistress Illya."

"Like you can stop me?!" Medea shouts, feeling a shiver when Leysritt smiles.

Medea pulls out Rule Breaker as a second hand wraps around her neck.

Then another grabs her wrist.

Looking over she sees Saber smiling sweetly at her.

"Wouldn't want this falling into the wrong hands Master...I'll hold onto it for you~." Saber says while taking Rule Breaker.

"By my comm.-Ugh!" Leysritt tightens the grip making Medea gargle to her knees as Illya continues laughing despite Rin's continued shaking.

"When are you going to help me Leysritt?" Illya asks, starting to get dizzy.

"I'm not."

"What?"

"You bought this on yourself…It is only fair for you to suffer for your mistakes…it would be remiss of me to help you in this instance." Leysritt says while looking skyward, recalling a notebook's instructions.

Illya starts laughing nervously before looking at a needle eyed Rin.

Saber smiles at this sight.

'Truly a blessed morning in this modern day Sodom~.'



===



Kirei wakes up an hour later and fixes himself a quick cup of coffee. He writes a quick note, grabs some things from his desk, and heads downstairs to see Shirou and Gilgamesh watching Kamen Rider.

"I'll be back later…if I'm not it's because I'm dead."

Gilgamesh raises a hand showing he heard him.

Kirei walks through town, dreading the talk as he knocks on the door.

To his surprise a pale blonde haired woman answers the door.

"Hello…who are you mister?"

"…I can ask the same. My name is Kirei Kotomine, is Rin available?"

"Ah…" Sella glances away a moment with red cheeks before continuing.

"She…is staying over at a friend's place at the moment.

'Liar, Rin doesn't have friends; I made sure of that!'

"I see…do you know when she will be back?"

"Either later today or tomorrow."

"I see...can you ask her to call me back if you see her…miss?"

"Sella, and I can."

"Thank you. Have a blessed day." He says and turns to leave before stopping.



===



"…Stop following me." Rin says.

"Or what, you'll use a command seal on me so you can spend a lazy day with your daddy, Magical Baby Girl 69?" Saber asks.

" It's 2004- I mean no! Do you really want to push me after angering Caster?"

"She'll do something I'm sure to get revenge after Leysritt is done choking her out…and I though you liked being pushed down?"

"That is not what I-" Rin stops when she sees Saber poke out her cheek with her tongue.

"…You're as petty as Kazuma."

"Is that a roundabout way of asking me to bite you? Or were you that enthralled after seeing me in that absurd outfit?"

"Maybe I should ask you that?"

"Absurd."

"Is it though? No one ever describes you as Mordred's mother."

"Do not bring up that name again."

"Or what, you'll be insufferable? Too late!"

"Insufferable? Me? Are you really saying that to me after everything I was put through?!"

"Still holding a grudge after how I made you kneel? Or was it opening your mouth for Kazuma's meat~?" Rin says while turning around with the smuggest of grins that falls in an instant.

First from Saber raising a hand, now covered in a magical metal gauntlet, to slap Rin.

The second was Kirei's open mouth as he stares at Rin get slapped to the ground.

Saber moves to stomp Rin, but is sent flying by Kirei's kick, making her tumble along the ground. She gets up and glares at Kirei.

"I can commiserate with you on some level, but I will not let you harm my ward, lurid Jezebel that she has become…"

"I am not-!"

"I can pardon the phone sex, I could even pardon the nun fascination, but you should not have gone to these extents so soon! What could have possibly compelled you to such debauchery?!" Kirei asks as Kazuma runs around the corner, wrapping a scarf around his neck.

"What is going on here?!" He asks as he looks at Kirei.

"You! You're the cause! It all started after you arrived!" Kirei shouts before pulling out a dozen long blades.

"What are you ta-"

"Die monster, you don't belong in this world!" He says and Saber's eyes glow with hope.

"Lancer!" Kazuma says, using his second command Seal and Lancer appears, his scowl quickly turning to confusion before going into a full smile.

"It is finally time for you to- What the?!" He shouts while narrowly avoiding Sabers blade.

"Why?!?" Everyone asks.

"He wants to kill Kazuma! There is some good in him!"

"Are you insane?!" Cu asks.

"…It feels right to me!"

"You petty little bit-" Saber cuts him off with a strong series of attacks, allowing Kirei to approach Kazuma. He dodges the strike, looking wide eyed at the crater in the wall from the punch.

"Archer!" Rin says, and an equally confused Archer appears. His confusion grows further at seeing Kirei attack Kazuma as Saber and Lancer fight.

'What the Hell is going on here?!'

"Saber's protecting Kirei! You need to save Kazuma!"

Both sentences physically hurt Archer.

He still goes after Kirei.

'I hate everything about this situation…Well, most everything~.' He thinks before pushing Kirei back, the unprepared priest barely able to keep up with Archer.

Then he stops, smiles, and raises both his arms in mock surrender.

"…What are you planning?" Archer asks.

"Do you think that young man is a good man?"

"…What are you getting at?"

"As it stands, I cannot best you, and we do not know how much longer Lancer and Saber will continue fighting but…at this moment, you are effectively free." Kirei says.

Archer knows what he is planning.

It still tempts him.

"Archer?" Kazuma and Rin ask at the same time.

"Rin would not let me kill him."

"Archer?!"

"Worry not…I can be quite distracting."

They move towards their respective targets.

Kazuma manages to evade Archer's blows, while Rin contends with Kirei, his attacks not giving her a chance to speak another command.

"I knew you were untrustworthy! Different timeline, but you're still an asshole, Shirou Emiya!" Kazuma shouts as he is cornered.

"What?" Kirei asks out loud.

"Do not call me by that name!" Archer shouts, making Kirei freeze before running back as Archer raises a short sword overhead.

Kirei kicks him and sends him flying, saving Kazuma.

"What the- Why are you-?!"

"Silence knave…I have something to ascertain. Are you truly Emiya Shirou? How?"

"Time travel and Counter Guardian…Why do you care?" Emiya asks before nearly being skewered by a long blade.

"You will be the highlight of my day~!"

"You traitor!" Saber shouts while still fighting Lancer.



===

Gilgamesh reads the note.

"Bad?"

"He is either dead or kidnapped. He suspected that would happen since he went to visit Tohsaka."

"…He is a weirdly dedicated parent."

"Indeed. At least there is an hour break in the marathon. We may as well assess the damage."



===

Medea watches the bedlam while rubbing her throat, Illya and Leysritt also stunned at the fight.

She raises a hand fires a barrage, stopping the priest.

Saber and Lancer continue clashing.

Leysritt attacks Archer.

"Not again…!" Archer mutters.

"I saw him first!" Kirei shouts.

"Bite me!" Leysritt says, turning her halberd to Kirei.

"Careful, Rin and Kazuma are nearby~." Illya says before taking a giant muffin out of a bag, drawing Saber's gaze, a smile on her face.

Rin fires a gander shot at Illya.

She hits the muffin, and Saber watches the muffin fall, going from a perfect and freshly baked hue to a black circular tar ball.

"Over here Elizabeth!" Lancer says from overhead, bringing his spear down towards Saber.

She evades it and swings the flat of her blade into Cu Chulainn, slamming him into a wall before turning to Rin.

'Oh no, not again…' Rin thinks as Saber lunges for her, her blow deflected by a thrown short sword.

'Again Rin?!' Archer shouts in telepathy.

'I was aiming for Illya!' Rin thinks back as Archer tries to stay Saber's rage.

'Not any better!' He thinks at her as he is about to be cut down by an irate Saber, feeling deja vu.

"By my Command Seal, stop!" Medea shouts and Saber goes still with a groan.

A large spear flies by them all and stops near Kirei. He hops onto the spear and is carried away.

"…What caused all this?" Kazuma asks a minute later.

Rin points at Saber, who points at Kazuma along with Archer.

Leysritt points at Archer. So does Cu Chulainn when he falls out of the wall.

"…Really?" Archer asks.

"Wanna fight about it?" Leysritt asks, making Archer step away.



===

"Thank you for the help Gilgamesh."

"Cannot have you dying yet."

"...I am surprised you survived a melee between servants."

"It is easier when they are not focused on you. They appear to have a fractured alliance at best." Kirei says, stopping when he sees Gilgamesh look at the group from afar.

"Something wrong, King of Heroes?"

"No…The back of that one simply resembled someone I knew." He says before turning to go back to the church. It has almost been an hour.



===

After using Rule Breaker to replenish their seals, the group splits into 3, with Archer and Cu going back to Rin's place, Saber trudging along with a leash around her neck back to the temple with Illya, Medea, and Leysritt. Illya smirks at Rin while passing by.

When they begin walking back, silence overtakes Kazuma and Rin all the way back to Emiya's.

"…I'm surprised you didn't go back to your place…" Kazuma says as she reads the instructions.

"It's not like the issue there went away…" Rin says before opening the package. She goes to the kitchen and gets some water to drink with the pill.

"Thought that would be preferable after last night?"

"It's…close? It's not like you did it on purpose." Rin says and Kazuma flinches, recalling a certain foe again.

When she comes back out she sees Kazuma placing paper around the floor.

"Thought we were doing that tomorrow? I don't want to risk being caught in the fire."

"Just a bit of preliminary stuff…" Kazuma says before sitting down.

"Should we talk about last night?"

"Not…sure there is much to talk about. We egged each other on and got drunk…and then did that…with a surprising amount of zeal if the marks are anything to go by…" Rin says with red cheeks.

"You know about the marks?"

"…How can I not?" Rin asks.

"You remember doing that?"

"I did think it was a dream before I opened my- wait…Doing? Do you mean something else?"

"…You don't recall biting me?" Kazuma asks.

"I bit you?" Rin asks.

"Yeah, what were you talking about?" Kazuma asks and Rin pulls off the scarf, showing the teeth mark on her neck.

Rin feels a shudder up her back at seeing Kazuma focus on the mark.

"…Don't stare so hard." Rin says before wrapping the scarf again.

Then Kazuma takes his scarf off, showing an identical mark.

Rin blushes while looking wide eyed at it.

"I'm…not that kind of girl."

Kazuma merely looks at her.

"Shut up!"

"Did you forget I was there before this group split up…I know exactly what kind of girl you are~."

"It was a long week, and there was liquor, this will not happen ag-"

"Bind."

A moment later, ropes encircle Rin's body in a familiar knot, bounding her wrists, accentuating her figure.

She stands in place, scarlet cheeked, stunned…

And every nerve in her body tingling as she feels her chin held in his hand, making her look up at him.

"You were saying?"

"…I'm not surprised you know a spell like this."

"Because I'm a scumbag?"

"Because you can't handle me sober and unbound~."

"One way to find out…we never did figure out who would get the Master Bedroom did we, Baby Girl~?" He asks while pulling Rin to the bedroom.

'…I'm glad I bought that multi pack~.'