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Enter the Dragon (Harry Potter/Shadowrun)

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Dunkelzahn, Jul 10, 2018.

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  1. Ethorin

    Ethorin Not too sore, are you?

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    The scene where Lucius is forced to eat Basilisk Steak has solidified "This is Best Dumbledore".

    Also, I love that Herpo is both very much "Foul" and also apparently perfectly immortal with the pesky side effect of being imprisoned by his own immortality and blocked from DOING what he'd doubtless quite like to do.
     
  2. Cheetored20

    Cheetored20 Versed in the lewd.

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    When was that basilisk steak scene again?
     
  3. deadal

    deadal Getting sticky.

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    “Might I ask what sort of meat we are dining on this evening?”

    “Basilisk,” the elderly wizard replied calmly.

    Basilisk?” Lucius choked and froze, his fork hovering stock still inches above his plate.

    That meant...

    “Indeed, Lucius,” the old man confirmed pleasantly. “You see, recently, a hideously evil artifact was smuggled into the school by some foul reprobate,” Dumbledore’s gimlet gaze momentarily pinned the younger wizard in place before he went on in a positively genial tone, “where it forced one of my students into releasing an ancient monster from its ages-long slumber.”

    The bearded wizard sighed dramatically, “Fortunately, the beast ran afoul of one of our younger students who dispatched it handily before it could cause any lasting harm. Mr. Potter was kind enough to gift me with a portion of the meat, and it now graces our table.”

    “I see,” the blond Malfoy croaked, swallowing reflexively as he attempted to moisten his suddenly dry mouth. “And have you managed to capture the culprit?”

    “Alas, we have not,” the greatest wizard in Britain sighed. “I have my suspicions... nothing that would hold up in court, you understand, but I do feel quite close to a solution.”

    “I wish you a speedy and fruitful investigation, of course,” Lucius managed to bite out. “Anything to ensure the safety of the students.”

    “Indeed, while it has not turned up the name of the one responsible for this incident, the investigation has borne all sorts of interesting fruit.” The elder wizard paused for a moment, timing his words carefully to coincide with his guest’s next bite. “For example, did you know that your old acquaintance, Voldemort, had a bit of a history with that particular basilisk?”

    Lucius froze again in mid-bite.

    “Yes, yes… it seems he considered the beast as a beloved friend, if you can fathom it! I had no idea the man was even capable of such!”

    As the Malfoy Head paled, the old man twisted the knife.

    “Just imagine how much it would gall him to see you eating that steak. Why, it was probably his only true friend in the whole world!” He paused for a moment to allow the implications to sink in, “A fitting revenge for all that ‘mind control’ he saddled you with in the last war, I suppose. Wouldn’t you agree, Lucius?”

    The old man smirked behind his glass as he sipped at his drink, “A good thing for you that he is dead, I’d imagine. Why, if he were to ever return, he would undoubtedly read this incident from your mind, and I suspect you’d not be long for this life! Dreadfully limited sense of humor on that boy.”

    Face now paper white and stomach twisting itself in knots, Lucius finally regained enough of his senses to reach for his napkin, but before he could spit out his most recent bite of the Dark Lord’s pet basilisk, he froze as his host spoke once more.

    “Are you absolutely certain you want to do that, Lucius?” Albus Dumbledore, the defeater of Grindlewald and the strongest wizard west of the Urals spoke in a dangerously calm voice. “Refusing the meal would mean refusing my hospitality, something that could be taken as a personal insult, were I so inclined. That is just the sort of insult that might precipitate a duel, I would imagine.”

    Lucius Malfoy slowly finished chewing and forced himself to swallow. The tone left no doubt whether he would be so inclined.

    “Excellent choice, old boy,” Dumbledore congratulated him in a deceptively friendly tone. His presence swelled leaving the younger wizard barely able to breathe. “Though, I must admit, my life would have been much simpler had you given me the excuse. Alas, it seems I must do this the long way. Now, listen closely.”

    “You have put me in something of an uncomfortable position with this latest stunt, Lucius,” Dumbledore stated in a conversational tone. “You planted that artifact on Miss Weasley, and I am now torn between two conflicting imperatives.”

    “You have no proof…” Lucius croaked out before a surge in his host’s already oppressive magic silenced him.

    “I have no proof that would be acceptable in court,” he clarified. “I have more than enough proof to know what you did, Lucius. Unfortunately, I am bound by the law; without properly court-admissible evidence, I cannot legally punish you, frustrating as that is. You have taken advantage of that distinction many times over the years.”

    Lucius managed to muster the will for a smirk, if a rather anemic one.

    “I know all too well that you and your peers see that unwillingness to circumvent the law as a weakness, a sign that I am too soft to make difficult decisions,” Dumbledore declared. “You and your peers are wrong. You have no vision, no understanding! Those laws are my laws: I wrote them; I promoted them; and in the end, I personally forced them onto your ilk and the rest of magical society.”

    “I did that because they are good laws, laws that will help shape a good society and guide us into a better future,” the elder wizard continued passionately, leaning forward in his chair. “But if those laws are to have any weight beyond that inherent in the whims of a powerful wizard, then they must be applied fairly and equally!”

    He slapped a hand down next to his plate to emphasize the point.

    “A nation can only be a nation of laws if those laws apply to everyone, especially to those who might otherwise have enough power to ignore them with impunity! If I do not follow those laws, no one will. Who would follow a rule that even the rule’s creator flouted?”

    He shook his head as he leaned back, white beard swaying with the movement.

    “I have trusted that the rule of law would win out in the end on its own merits... that eventually you and those like you would be caught out and punished, lending weight to those laws by proving that they have teeth.” He sighed, “No political transition has ever been bloodless, and I have been resigned to accepting delay as the lesser evil in the process of building a better future.”

    Despite the intimidating aura, Lucius’ smirk broadened ever so slightly. It seemed the old man was working himself up to let him go again. He opened his mouth to taunt the old man only for the words to freeze on his lips.

    “I am, however, also bound by my oaths as the Headmaster of Hogwarts,” the old man’s eyes narrowed dangerously, his hard gaze pinning Lucius to his chair. “And in your blind idiocy you have managed to put those two oaths into conflict! You have threatened one of my students while she was at my school, a child that I am oathbound to protect.”

    Lucius’ smirk vanished, and the younger man’s expression blanked in shock as everything he thought he knew of the man before him was turned on its ear.

    “I have brought you here to remind you that actions have consequences,” the great wizard enunciated slowly and clearly. “No lasting damage was inflicted by your recent bout of stupidity, Lucius, so I am within bounds of proper behavior to leave you alive. Nevertheless, I have brought you here to give you this warning: should I learn that another of my students has come to harm in a way that I can trace back to you, in school or out, whether the evidence is court-admissible or not, I will bury you.”

    Lucius’ brow furrowed in confusion.

    “You wonder why I brought up the conflicting objectives if I am just going to threaten you anyway?” Dumbledore asked, correctly interpreting his guest’s expression... or perhaps reading his mind, both were distinctly possible. “You see, there is one possible way to reconcile that conflict, a course of action that will satisfy both oaths.”

    The elderly wizard, still calmly seated on the other side of the table, seemed to swell to giant proportions, looming menacingly over his guest despite not having moved at all. Lucius froze, stock still and unable to muster even the will to speak, much less move.

    An idle gesture levitated the helpless man’s wand from where it had been concealed in his sleeve, casually ignoring the elaborate enchantments on the sheath intended to prevent such things. The wand settled gently on the table in front of its owner, pointed directly at Lucius’ chest, and as the frozen man watched, horrified, the tip began glowing a menacing and all too familiar green.

    Unspoken message of dominance and threat clearly conveyed, the elder wizard continued, “You see, Lucius,” he said conversationally, “I am willing to betray neither the law nor my oaths, yet there is more than one way to be law-abiding.”

    Dumbledore’s stifling aura, already enough to prevent Lucius from even attempting to speak, swelled steadily higher with each word he spoke. Lucius’ breath caught in his throat.

    “One can obey the law by avoiding those things proscribed by the law,” the monstrous figure seated across from the Head of House Malfoy continued “This is the preferred method; it is the meaning that most imagine when they hear the term ‘law-abiding’. Technically, however, there is another.”

    “One can also obey the law by willingly accepting the punishment it prescribes. You see, Lucius, I could refrain from killing you where you sit, or I could accept the punishment for killing you where you sit.”

    Lucius’ breath petered out with a faint wheeze.

    “The law cares not which.”

    Unable to breathe, Lucius’ heart pounded in his ears, its rhythm faltering under the ever-increasing strain of simply existing near the thing sitting across the table.

    “However, the latter option is one I find rather unappealing,” the terrifying wizard admitted, “mostly, I am ashamed to say, due to the fact that following it to its necessary conclusion means that I would not live to see the new world I have worked so long to build.”

    Lucius’ vision began to blur as his eyes teared up from being open for so long, yet he could not blink.

    “Make no mistake, however, reluctant or not it is a path down which I am well prepared to walk. Plans have been made; contingencies arranged.”

    Lucius’ world had contracted until there was nothing but the voice in his ears and the irregular heartbeat in his chest.

    “Know, Lucius, that if you are the one to force me down that path, the one to force me to give up on seeing my life’s work through to its conclusion, I will be quite wroth with you.”

    The monstrous presence swelled to a crescendo, and Lucius’ heart stopped entirely.

    “Should that event come to pass, Lucius, I will ensure that you will have ample opportunity to regret your actions before your end.” There was a pause. “And rest assured you would be but the first. I would not sell my life so cheaply as to trade it for yours alone.”

    The presence held for a few moments longer before it faded, and Lucius’ lungs suddenly filled as he took a painful, shuddering breath. His heart quickly hammered back into operation, and he collapsed face-first onto the table, narrowly missing his plate.

    “Do clean your plate, Lucius, lest you give me an excuse to do something you will not live long enough to regret,” the monster across the table reminded him.
    After 2nd year, Lucius come to Hogward to check how successful his plot was. Dumbledore invite him to diner and serve him Voldemort's pet and explain that refusing the meal would mean refusing guest's protection, therefor letting him free for some extra-judiciary justice.
    "Do clean your plate, Lucius, lest you give me an excuse to do something you will not live long enough to regret"

    It was quite an epic moment and anchor Dumbledore as a badass.
     
  4. Wolfboy

    Wolfboy I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    it was after this that Lucius went home and whined to Narcissa who had her specialist clean up Lucius's mess where he had arranged Hermione's kidnapping
     
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  5. Edmond G. Bertrand

    Edmond G. Bertrand Getting sticky.

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  6. ChiChi

    ChiChi I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    I think I understand most of the words here except 'hawp' ?
    extra space
    This whole sections is just confusing though I supposed that's on purpose
    *blinks* 2/3'rds? wouldn't it be 2/7th's which is closer to 1/3rd?
    If you have any trouble spotting the typos in question let me know which sections you're having trouble with and I'll take another look and elaborate
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2022
  7. GrandmasterEli

    GrandmasterEli Versed in the lewd.

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    I don't know how to word this politely but... I NEED MMOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!!
     
  8. Redstone

    Redstone Getting some practice in, huh?

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    I TO WANT IT, set your mind on fire and be true to yourself, you are a great writer i love your story!
     
  9. ChiChi

    ChiChi I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    CaerAzkaban on GroupsIO is where they post their work in progress snippets if you really need that little bit more (snippets are partial chapters it's not like it's multiple chapters ahead there)
     
  10. MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot

    MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Why is 11-year-old Harry still a blithering idiot? He blabbers like a five-year-old, both out loud and in his head, and despite being widely read and having memorized the dictionary still doesn't grasp basic word usage! Is that supposed to be for laughs? Because it's far more irritating than funny. Is there even a reason?
     
  11. Breadnaught

    Breadnaught Versed in the lewd.

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    Dumbles and co have mentioned it a few times, that his emotional development seems to be a bit behind his peers, and much like his physical growth, is apparently advancing at a draconic pace, rather than a human one.

    There's concern that he'll stuck at various developmental stages for years or decades longer than human children would/should be.
     
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  12. MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot

    MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Huh. Well... that's annoying. So is he this same babbling dipshit for all 500k+ words of this story? I'm only up to 2.8, and might have to reconsider reading onward if the lead character stays this irritating.
     
  13. Breadnaught

    Breadnaught Versed in the lewd.

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    Honestly, haven't really been .. let's say measuring .. his personality development enough to say how much he's changed and grown, but it's not a lot. Emotionally speaking, that is.

    I think he's matured a bit after his last growth spurt and a few character-building events, but he still comes across as an excitable and naïve kid.
     
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  14. EternitynChaos

    EternitynChaos Once there was a Maiden...

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    you do realise he's an 11/12 year old Great Dragon right... frankly you should be happy he's advanced at all with how slowly Dragons tend to adapt, change and grow with age
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2022
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  15. kairuf

    kairuf Questing for Atlantis

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    Amusingly the two Best Dumbledores (very different Dumbledores though) I have ever read have been in stories where Harry is turned into a dragon. The other of course being “Harry is a Dragon and that’s okay” by Saphroneth.

    Admittedly he is far more of the Baffle them with bullshit from the first book than this take.
    and by the start of the second year, there is a warg and a Sphinx as students of Hogwarts.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2022
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  16. A simple world

    A simple world Not too sore, are you?

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    I want to like the story, but the forced injection of an obviously harem story and a sociopathic Harry leads to a typical manhua character. I tendcto greatly avoid stories like this.

    Technical writing is great, aside from a few mistakes, but that's plot is also great. Bt, as I,said, forced harem and a sociopath Harry lopsides any feelings I have for it.
     
  17. EternitynChaos

    EternitynChaos Once there was a Maiden...

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    ...I don't think those words mean what you think they mean friend
     
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  18. pjung

    pjung Know what you're doing yet?

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    I would not call this Harry sociopathic at all.
    Capable of destructive rages in some circumstances yes but not sociopathic.
    and I get the impression that Harry will barely reach puberty this decade, so harem does not seem that likely.
     
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  19. Spartan3909

    Spartan3909 Know what you're doing yet?

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    In regards to the harem
    iirc I'm fairly sure the author said that all of his current "romantic" relationships will be temporary
     
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  20. MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot

    MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    I'm not saying it's unrealistic writing. I'm saying it's irritating and not fun to read, which at the end of the day is the whole point. Every scene Harry is in I have to grit my teeth to get through because he's so utterly annoying, and if he doesn't change and grow up then this isn't the story for me.

    It's bad enough that it started pre-Hogwarts, which I usually hate, but he was 8 and acted 5. And that's barely changed at all. I love the idea of this story, and the writing quality is good, but the execution of it leaves me cold.
     
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  21. A simple world

    A simple world Not too sore, are you?

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    I actually have to agree. If this Harry is going to be in a prepetual state of pubescent for the next several decades and another 500k words without actual personal growth and maturity, it would get boring very fast.
     
  22. krzys2000

    krzys2000 Know what you're doing yet?

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    If you don't like solutions is REALLY Simple (are you ready to hear it? ready or not here we go!) don't read
     
  23. A simple world

    A simple world Not too sore, are you?

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    ...yes, which I did, but I had no idea constructive criticisms and opposing views to be unallowed in this forum?
     
  24. EternitynChaos

    EternitynChaos Once there was a Maiden...

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    I mean DRAGON, even if they are with him there whole lives even with magically assistance that's likely only going to be a couple of hundred years at best, that's maybe a couple of months for the average dragon /laugh and Harry is anything but average
     
  25. Spartan3909

    Spartan3909 Know what you're doing yet?

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    I found the quote if anyone wants it.
     
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  26. Dunkelzahn

    Dunkelzahn No one of consequence

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    Yes, constructive criticism is quite welcome.

    Harry is intended to come across as young and a bit scatterbrained (in large part a function of youth), energetic with a bubbly personality, confident to an extreme degree in most situations (because dragon), and currently stuck just on the verge of puberty. He is also intended to speak in a casual voice for the most part, hence the informal word choice and loose grammar. Harry's personality is based off Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, and I have tried to keep that flavor.

    That said, MonkeyNinja d'PirateRobot, I had thought Harry had gone beyond the level of "blithering idiot" by 2.8. Of course, I have been working on this for a long time, and significant portions of the text were otherwise written long before I posted them. Perhaps some of what is bothering you was originally written with a younger Harry in mind and then moved in the course of editing. Or of course, I might have simply read over it so many times that I missed something. If you have any specific stretches of dialogue, inner or otherwise, that stand out as examples, directing me to them would be appreciated. Perhaps they can be improved.

    A simple world I am really not sure where you are getting the sociopath Harry idea. Yes, he tends to be prone to simple and often violent problem-solving, and yes, he does tend to treat the law with a certain healthy disregard. However, he lives in a civilization which often requires such violence in the normal course of affairs, and he is in fact required by his social position as the Head of House Potter to be at least ready to engage in just that as needed. The wizarding legal system also has its own set of thoroughly-apparent flaws, and one of Harry's closest mentor-figures is a dyed-in-the-wool revolutionary. He is also quite solicitous to his friends and their emotional state, and he becomes quite agitated when they are unhappy (and he knows about it, of course; he is a young boy after all, with all the social shortcomings implied thereby)... hardly the behavior of a person lacking empathy.

    As for the harem, I can assure you that you do not need to worry about me shoehorning one in. That's not the direction those relationships are destined to take. See the quote Spartan3909 dredged up for a bit more detail on the reason for the current build-up (thanks Spartan3909).

    Character development has been slow, mostly because it has taken a long time to set up conflict appropriate for the task. People tend not to grow unless challenged, which makes character arcs rather difficult to pull off for tremendously capable characters. There is precious little in the wizarding world at present capable of challenging Harry directly, and I was not about to resort to that tired old saw about 'giving Frodo a lightsaber, requires giving Sauron a death star' in order to beef up the opposition. That of course, left indirect challenge, eg. threatening something Harry cared about in a way that prevented him from easily no-selling the danger or immediately solving the aftermath. Of course for that, I needed something/someone Harry cared about (character introduction and development), a sufficiently serious and believable threat (world-building), and a way to bring them together while removing Harry from play until it was too late to trivially fix, even for someone with his resources (plot development).

    To be honest, the entire story could use a rewrite, either to tighten it up massively (though I honestly doubt I have the writing chops to manage that one, at least not in any reasonable amount of time) or to reorganize it into a collection of discrete individual stories. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the desire to do so at this point, not for something I don't own anyway. That is especially the case since the story arc that actually prompted me to start this endeavor is set entirely after Hogwarts. I've written this part because I despise stories that start with "it's this established character in this new situation, but the character has this radically different backstory; go check my six-page-long author's note to see why he's acting entirely unlike what you'd expect." It's one thing to have a character where the canon plot ended a bit differently or other minor changes in plot. Changing something like, 'oh yeah, it's Harry Potter, but he's a Harry who turned into a giant fire-breathing death-beast when he was eight; I'm sure you can fill in the details yourself' is just not on. To get to the premise of that story, you need a backstory, and that backstory is much too extensive to try to handle in an information dump or flashbacks; thus is born this work.

    I will point out that I find it more than a little ironic that this discussion has resurfaced now though, just as we've established the conflict triggering Harry's first big development arc. The events of 5.1 set the stage, and as of 5.7 Harry has gotten his first major call to action which is about to send him out into a whole minefield of consequences I've been setting up with the various side-plots. Seriously, angry overreactions, tragic consequences, regrets, guilt, terrible misunderstandings: he's got quite the gauntlet ahead at this point, even if he won't be hitting puberty for a while yet.
     
  27. Dues_machine

    Dues_machine Getting sticky.

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    About the harem you could bring more focus on how it's about bring ppl under a banner for a household or a kinda subordinate vassel / junior alliance structure.


    Harry has recognisable and understandable mental process but they're different and now it's becoming more important because of his power cause a normal children tantrum is now significantly more dangerous.

    Maybe in the next few chapters have the dragon (who's not human, duh) and his emotional supports explore the differences, how to manage himself and coping strategies.
     
  28. A simple world

    A simple world Not too sore, are you?

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    Thank you for your feedback. You must umderstand, it was very uncomfortable for me to watch a bunch of minors, especially a 17yr old girl, proposing to a minor.


    Okay, you seem to misunderstand something here, which is where most authors seem to fall trapped in with. People don't need to grow in maturity from challenges. All anyone need is exposure to the societal, entertainment, culture, people, conversations, food, philosophy... a stern warning from Snape, a repremend from a kind mother from stopping him from eating all the cookies at a birthday party... etc etc, economics, learning taxes... etc. Also, learning how to laundry. That really sucks.

    You don't need a deathstar or a Palpatine or an evil God for MC to have a growth. That is pure nonsense.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2022
  29. Styx02

    Styx02 Getting out there.

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    I'm just happy discussion has picked back up, even if it was a bit rude. I remember reading this on fanfic.net years ago, back under the original author. And yeah certain scenes were a bit... off but are ultimately minor blips in a fun and interesting story. After all it has a living biomechanical magical dragon as its lead, how can someone not enjoy that?

    And thinking on it, Harry really spits into the face of every Shadowrun cyborg dosen't he?
     
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  30. Wolfboy

    Wolfboy I trust you know where the happy button is?

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    Personally, i like where the story has gone and how it has done so, part of that is because i am well steeped in Shadowrun Lore and can recognize the beginnings of the Sixth world as i know it. The blatant aggression of what will become Aztechnology, the separatism of the future NAN, all of this and more fit with the dystopian world that is Shadowrun
     
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