Fate/Absurd Tale, or One Hit is Enough, But Not That Hit (Onepunchman/Fate short fic)

[HelioBM]

Just (not very good) translation of my old text.


Fate/Absurd Tale, or One Hit is Enough, But Not That Hit
- Servant Puncher arrived! - annouce materialised before her… Being. Rin very much in doubt look over Servant. Yellow tights, red gloves… He looks less like Heroic Spirit and more like a sadclown cosplaying american comics' heroes.
- You wanted to say "Archer" - she corrects him.
- No, - servant shook his hairless head - Puncher. And i must ask…
His face become solemn.
- It you who will pay my bills… i mean, my Master?
- So what's your heroic name? - Rin asked with a sigh. She nearly accepted that something gone wrong, but there was still hope.
- Bal... khm. I think it's better to remain secret...
- ... Alright. What are your abilities?
- Well i ... - he said thoughtfully - can punch.
- ... what is your Marble Phantasm?
- I can punch strong.
Rin observed with amazement. Her clown... her Servant, with ease evade attacks of Berserker without even paying attention to it and thinking about something.
- Master - he suddenly asked - Do you remember when Batman begins?
- In five minutes - she answered with confusion in her voice. Her Servant stopped moving.
Berserker's massive axesword nearly cleaved "Puncher" - Rin still coudn't believe that such class existed - but...
In the next moment Berserker disappeared.
After thunderlike sound shockwave repelled her back, nearly knocking her down.
- Sorry I don't want to miss the movie - her Servat said to Berserk's Master. - Let's play another time...
Puncher grabbed his Master in princess cradle and sped away.
- Was this your Phantasm?
- Phantasm?.. Ah, no. That was just regular punch.
- Wait - Puncher held his hand - We must set priorities. War of the Holy Grail, Servants... This is interesting but just a hobby and will not go away. But on the other hand, dairy discount is lasts only until evening...
- Secret of my strength? Sorry, I can not reveal it despite you being a good guy. I tried one time and it did not end well...
- You were betrayed? - asked Saber with sympathy
- Worse - sighed Puncher - I was laughed off...
- ... If you are still interested in secret to my strength can i get another bowl of soup?
- So he have twelve lives?
- Had - nodded Shiro - Now he remains nine.
- I see. Consecutive punches!
- By the power of the Master's Command Spell I order you - kill him!
One of the seals disappeared from Rin's hand. Puncher turned around to Rin.
- Master's what? - he asked - Is this somethig like "King Orders"?
- If you do it - Rin shouted with despair - I will give all free meal coupons!
- Hmm... - mumbled Puncher turning to Archer - Sorry your Highness Ura-whatever...
- So let us sum it up: somehow after Grail was cleansed of Angra-Mayu it fulfilled everyone's true wishes and restarted the War from beginning? - said Shiro.
- Seems that way - Puncher nodded.
- Well I know my wish...
- Heroic costume suits you - Puncher agreed.
- What about you darling?
- I am not sure... - Thoughtfully replied Rin studying engagement ring with diamonds.
- I'm also not sure - informed Saber while eating rice from golden cup. Rice did not end.
- We will work it out eventually. What about you sensei?
- Mine was not fulfilled it seems - sighed Puncher rubbing his bald head.
- I Servant Assasin, and i challenge strongest of you! - declared brute in white clothes, with the eyepatch, and little bells at nips of his gel-hardened spiky hairs on his head. With one hand he held old, extremely chipped sword.
- If he is Assassin then I am male. - muttered Saber. - Ah, yes…
- I am Servant Caster, and i punish all world's evil in the name of the Moon!
- It will be awkward to tell that we have done this already… - muttered Shiro.
- Great power sense I from you - thoughtfully said Yoda - And from you... And from you... Surrender I propose Master.
- We saw over dozen of Servants - said annoyed Rin. - Curses, what have become of War? And when it will end?
- I don't understand why are you complaining - said simultaneously Shiro and his mentor.
- Pranatransfer Master - seriously said Puncher. - It's time to explain, what is it.
- Master/Praetor, don`t stop me - i shall destroy this fake! - simultaneously announce two Saber.
- Sensei, how long they will quarrelling this time, you think? - ask Shiro. Puncher shrugged.
- You understand women better than me…
- Guys, i heard you are the strongest and finished many Servants. Here comes my Berserker - I implore you finish him...
- Love and Peace! - sounded from nearby.
Saber fought with all her might but this incarnate of Evil... well, Love and Peace, didn't suffer any damage. It... He... It... Berserker seemed to take pleasure from Excalibur hits, well at least his moans didn't resemble groans. This enemy was stronger than anyone else it seems Good is really stronger than Evil...
- Puncher? - Rin inquired from Puncher that read newspaper and sipped tea.
- Intervention right now would be against heroic principles - he responded. - Besides I am recording this down.
He pointed to his phone.
From the area of battle smooches were heard.
- You want to destroy the record? - Puncher asked. Shir and Saber vigorously nodded. - But this is the single evidence of your greatest battle!
- Three meals - Shiro said decisively - Personal.
Puncher hesitated, looking between phone and Shiro.
- Gandr.
Phone exploded in his hand.
- Just like children… - sighed Rin.
- I am Servant Puncher and I am not one`s Servant! I will be Pirate King!
- You need to go to Somali for this - noted Shiro - Or Russia.
- This class really does exist... - pensievly muttered Rin.
- According to my calculations - Sevant in black suit with yellow bat on his waist and chest reported studying minicomputer on his hand - best method to act in this war is to hide and stay out of sight.
- According to my calculations your calculations are correct - nodded tanned girl in short skirt, beret and long braid.
- So nothing changes for us - sighed Riesbyfe Stridberg - By the way, Assassin... eh, whom I want to trick. Bruce Wayne, how are our finances?
- According to our calculations... - simultaneously said both. Executor groaned.
- This time Eye of the Moon plan will work!
- I am Caster and in the name of the Moon i will not let you tresspass on the Moon!
From nearby window popped out bald head.
- If you want to fight do it quietly - told this head - There is sleeping girl here...
- ...I know suitable quiet place - informed Caster.
- Here, his name is Sebastian, and he agreed to work for us. For free.
- Do you not think it is extremely suspicious? - frowned Rin looking at enigmatically smiling, black-haired, pale men in butler`s clothing. - He is likely Servant!
- Well, yes, he is servant - somewhat surprised agree Puncher. - I mean, it is obvious, no?
- Wait a minute… He is a demon!
- But his cooking is angelic - replied her Servant. - Also as cleaning, washing and accounting.
- Hmm… - musingly drawled Rin.
- This was hard battle and worthy opponent… - wearily but with respect said Shiro, exhausted physically and emotionally. - I still have much to learn... I accept my defeat.
- You have put too much spice - Sebastian smiled.
- I cannot kill him - dejectedly said Puncher. - It all because of the food he fed us. It too tasty!
- What? Holy Grail War? - asked surprized Servant Caster. Bearer of Alpha Stigma yawned incessantly while his Master tried to explain situation - Ah? Already ended? Wonderful, I can sleep on...
Alternate events:
- I am Servant Generic Caster! And first of all do you have quest for me?..
- Not yet - replied Sakura scrutinizing Servant. He didn't look strong and was too enthusiastic but beggars can't be choosers.
- No even rats in the basement? - wondered Servant.
- ...Will worms work out?
- It is too early for boss fights - negatively shook his head Servant - I don't have enough experience. I need to level up...
- What is your Noble Phantasm?
- Phantasm... What's that?
Sakura internally clutched her head but tried to remain calm and replied:
- Ace of the Servant, his strongest ability linked to his legend.
- Ah! Ultimate... I have none right now but it can be chosen on twelfth level.