Flabbyknight's flabs (Oneshots and not-so-Oneshots collection)

[Flabbyknight]

Dinah was lonely. Her parents were always busy with work and she did not get along with children her age. Her Mom said she was just precocious and other children just were not mature as her. But she had a full proof plan to become popular at school and to get her parents' attention. Everybody in her grade was always talking about heroes and villains. Even her parents would talk about the various Capes in the city, even if it was just to complain about them. So she would just have to pretend to have super powers to get their attention. She just had to come up with a power that nobody could prove that she did not have.

She thought about what types of capes there were to choose from. 'How did it go again? Oh that's right. Mover, Shaker, Brute and Breaker. Master, Tinker, Blaster and Thinker, Striker, Changer, Trump and Stranger.' She would be some sort of Thinker. 'You can't see somebody thinking so they can't prove that I am not doing it. Okay now to make being a Thinker cool.' Dinah deliberated on what to do before she remembered those paper fortune tellers that were currently popular at school. She would tell peoples future!

Now she had to it in a way that was never wrong or else nobody would be impressed. She thought about it for minute before smirking. She would give percentages, so if some asked something and she got it wrong, she could always go "Well I said it was 82.324% chance of it happening you just got that 17.676% chance of failure." No one could prove that she did not have super powers. It was the perfect plan and nothing could possibly go wrong.

...​

Okay then. Everything went wrong that could go wrong and she was dumb for thinking otherwise. First her parents saw through her ruse and did not believe her for a second. Her Dad merely looked amused and asked her if she really thought they could not tell if she was lying to them. The kids her age were too dumb to get the nuance of her power. They would just say that she got the fortune wrong. She would try to explain percentages to them and how in fact that she was still correct, but they just rolled their eyes at her.

And then to top it all off the only person that did believe her was a super villain who kidnapped her. She tried to explain to him that she did not in fact have powers, but he did not believe her. She could only conclude that he was dumber than the other twelve year olds in her class. He had to give 'candy' to make her admit that she really did have powers. Worst part was that he was creepy weirdo, who would pet her head and call her his pet. She was worried that he would do more, but fortunately he never did.

So here she was just making up random numbers so that he would give her 'candy'. She had to pretend that she would get headaches from the questions or else he would just keep asking her question after question. 'What are the chances of me taking over the city in the next year? 67%. Would somebody try to kill me today? 4%. Is Tattletale making a move against him in the next month? 10%.' It just went on and on. Ugh.

...​

Dinah's favorite pastime was fucking with Coil. It was her little revenge against him she couldn't do it too often or he would catch on, but today though she was in particularly bad mood, so she decided to risk it. She spoke up "Coil?"

"What is it, pet?"

"44.20383% chance I die in the next half-hour."

She hid her amusement as Coil began asking her question to try and trying to figure out what was going to happen to them. Watching him squirm filled her with a vicious joy. She pretended to develop a headache just to dick with him. Then he demanded to know how they were going to survive Crawler's attack. 'Wait. They were actually under attack. Holy shit'.

She had weirdest luck ever. Of course now there was actually a chance that she could die in the next thirty minutes, but she was more amazed that her random guesses was correct. And now he was asking her more questions so they did not all die and she had no idea what the answer was. 'Great, just great.' Well she would just have wing it and hope for the best.

...​

"Mmm," Dinah said.

"What is it, pet?" Coil murmured.

"It's him."

"Who?"

She pointed at the screen, at Jack Slash. "Him."

"You're going to have to explain it to us, pet. What about him?"

"He's the one who makes everyone die."

She watched as all the villains around her began to panic and make plans to kill Jack Slash before he left the city. She barely managed to stop herself from smirking. It went just as planned, now they would be forced to confront Jack Slash and the Slaughterhouse 9 or else 'the world would end'. They were all dead men walking. She hoped that this would destroy Coil and all of his plans.

...​

The Nine where gone and somehow none of Coil's minion were killed. God damn it.

AN: I thought it would be funny the reason that Dinah's Parents did not believe that she was parahuman was not denial and instead they saw through her bullshit.

 

[Flabbyknight]

Harry stood up from behind the gravestone and yelled "Expelliarmus"

Voldemort sidestepped the spell easily before doing a double take. He raised his hand and said "Wait! Stop! Everybody just stop. Potter what are you doing?"

Harry faltered before saying "Dueling?"

Voldemort stared at him incredulously and repeated "Dueling? Dueling?! You call that dueling. Come on Potter this a fight to the death. Why in the world are you casting Expelliarmus?"

"To disarm. Why? What do you think I am trying to do." he asked confused.

Voldemort faced palmed and exclaimed "Potter what do you not get about we are fighting to the death here! What good is disarming me going to do?! You realize I can use wandless magic and summon the wand right back to my hand right? I mean you have studied my past so if you had to ever fight me you would know what to expect haven't you?"

Harry shuffled his feet and looked embarrassed "I… the thought never occurred to me before."

"Really Potter? Really?" Voldemort said shaking his head in disappointment. "You are supposed to be my nemesis and this is the best you can do?"

Harry bristled and said indignantly "Hey I can cast the shield charm and stunners to."

Voldemort looked at him with pity and said "That's great Potter it really is. Except for two things Avada Kadava bypasses the shield charm and stunners have a simple and easy to use counter charm that all my followers can cast." He then waved at the thirty or so men circled around them. He then continued "I mean even if you somehow hit me with a stunner then what?"

Harry stood there flummoxed "I would uh let's see…"

Voldemort sighed "Yeah that's what I thought. Okay now I am just embarrassed for the both of us. I regret ever considering you my nemesis, it just reflects so badly on me. Just… just go alright. I am not feeling this fight anymore."

Harry stood there with an unsure look on his face till Voldemort made a shooing motion with hands and said "Go on get out of here." As Harry shuffled over to Triwizard Cup and vanished Voldemort mused aloud "Maybe Longbottom will put up a better fight?"

 

[Ack]

Regarding 100% Bullshit: suppose Dinah actually had a probability alteration power rather than a precog power. She makes up a bullshit percentage, and probability alters to make it fact ...

 

[Prince Charon]

Regarding 100% Bullshit: suppose Dinah actually had a probability alteration power rather than a precog power. She makes up a bullshit percentage, and probability alters to make it fact ...

Click to shrink...

Eventually, Tattletale might figure that out. When (or if) she'd tell her is another matter, but once they get into 'the world is really going to end' territory, she probably would.

 

[Flabbyknight]

Dinah triggered during the first withdrawal period and got the path to failure shard. It is like path to victory except she always does the opposite of what she wants, is always on and is subconscious so she does know she has it. She -1 thinker rating.

 

[Flabbyknight]

"Pull up your socks, boys and girl, because we're robbing a bank." said Lisa.

"Whoa whoa whoa." Taylor spoke up not taking her eyes of the television screen. She was currently in first place in hers and Alec's game of Mario Kart and she was not going to let Alec get ahead of her. "That is not what I agreed to when joining the Undersiders. I joined so I could be paid two thousand a month to veto jobs."

Alec burst out laughing almost dropping his controller and said "Holy shit can we do that?"

"No we can't do that." said Lisa irritated.

"I don't see why not." said Taylor as she crossed the finish line. She stuck out her tongue and smirked at Alec. She looked over at Lisa and said "You told me the deal was that we would be paid two thousand dollars a month and that we get to choose to accept jobs that come along. Nowhere during your sales pitch did you say that we have to meet some sort of quota." Alec started up another game and Taylor focused on the screen again.

"Look if we stop doing any work then the Boss will stop paying to have us on retainer." explained Lisa.

"Also I can't support myself and my sister on two grand a month" chimed in Brain.

"Or take care of my dogs." growled Rachel.

Taylor groaned in irritation as Alec passed her and replied "Lisa has the knowy thing power right? So we turn down jobs until the Boss catches on and while we are doing that we just have Lisa invest a portion of our pay into the stock market and have her use her powers to make us money. We could easily make ten grand a month each and nobody would notice since that is chump change."

"You just want me- OH GROSS!" exclaimed Lisa.

"What?" asked Taylor "I need my hands free to play." She currently had a burger suspended in front of her face by spider string held up by a swarm of flies.

"You could have had your bugs use the controller!" Lisa said trying not to gag.

"Lisa then I would get bug germs all over Alec's controllers. That would be gross and rude." said Taylor.

"Yeah Lisa, be respectful of other people's property." Alec said laughter in his voice.

Lisa felt a headache growing that had nothing to do with her power. She decided to change the subject and go back to what she was going to say earlier "You just want me to do all the work and get paid for doing absolutely nothing yourself."

Taylor let out a dramatic gasp "Lisa how could you?! I would never do that!"

Lisa gave her a flat look "You are so full of shit."

Taylor gave a sniffle "Brian, make Lisa stop being mean to me."

Brian sighed and said "Look Lisa, Taylor actual has a point. Having you invest and manage our money is frankly safer and would make us more money than robbing a bank ever would."

"Also a lot less work." added Taylor.

"Look the Boss really wants us to do this job." said Lisa.

Taylor rolled her eyes and said "Well I really don't want to do it. Face it Lisa it's a dumb idea. It would take you much more effort to plan a bank heist then spend an hour a day managing our money. We could also do some easy jobs to keep our Boss happy if we really need to."

"Since I would be doing all of the work in your plan why should I bother with you guys at all. I could just manage money for myself just fine." said Lisa annoyance coloring her voice.

"Don't be greedy Lisa." scolded Taylor.

Alec nodded and said "Lisa, there is no I in team."

"You guys are the worst." groused Lisa.

Taylor huffed "Look we would be your bodyguards okay? If anyone tried to fuck with you we would keep you safe."

'And since nobody even knows who we are that will never happen.' thought Taylor with a smirk.

If Taylor had bothered to look at Lisa she would have seen the ominous vulpine smile appear on her face. Lisa said in sickeningly sweet voice "That is great plan, let's do it."

"So dork you thought of a cape name yet?" asked Alec since the subject was clearly over.

"I was thinking Tailor. That way I wouldn't have to bother remembering it." replied Taylor causing Brian to face palm.

As Lisa watched Alec and Taylor high-fived she thought 'Thank god those two are too lazy to breed with each other.'

AN: Taylor triggered when her moms flute got covered in shit and proceeded to stop giving a shit. When she was shoved in the locker she just took a nap. She later broke the lock on her locker so she could climb in and take naps when she was feeling tired. I have no idea how she joined the Undersiders, but this scene got stuck in my head so I had to write it down.

 

[Trilonias]

Haha, and then Taylor finds out about Coil. Who is evil and would make her *gasps* work! Clearly, something would have to be done. But yeah, her getting into the undersiders would be interesting... Shenanigans are always useful to blame.

 

[Jack of Olives]

*snip*

Click to shrink...

Can't. Stop. Laughing!

Well done.

 

[edale]

AN: Taylor triggered when her moms flute got covered in shit and proceeded to stop giving a shit. When she was shoved in the locker she just took a nap. She later broke the lock on her locker so she could climb in and take naps when she was feeling tired. I have no idea how she joined the Undersiders, but this scene got stuck in my head so I had to write it down.

Click to shrink...

The school janitor, noticing a horrible stench coming from a locker in the girl's locker room, got a pair of bolt-cutters. He cut open the locker the stench was coming from, dreading the cleanup job he was about to have to do.

He was even more shocked when he opened the locker and a limp body fell out of the locker, pushing him back as it fell. The body was covered in blood, insects, and other vile things. He nearly fainted, thinking he'd just found a corpse.

Cautiously, hands shaking, he bent down to check the body for a pulse, getting ready to call an ambulance if they're needed... and the police if not.

Just as his hand touched the girl's neck, her eyes opened and she sat up, yawning.

The Janitor jumped back, and fell on his ass.

Then the janitor watched on as the girl calmly got up, looked at herself, and walked into the showers. He then looked on no more, as his consciousness fled him.

This particular janitor would wake up an hour later, when the Gym instructor found him. He would tell of finding a body in the locker when he tried to clean up the smell. He would then be accused of vandalizing a student's locker, and having a psychotic break, since obviously if something like that HAD happened, the student would have at the very least gone to the school nurse; and he was covered in the filth found in the locker. He was then fired.

He would also develop a mild case of PTSD from this incident. The Janitor would be admitted, by court order via the school, to the local psychiatric hospital for observation, and would Trigger while in their care.

But this is not his story. This is Taylor's story, so lets see her side of it.

------------

Taylor woke up with a yawn and a stretch, was nap time over already?

She looked around, she was on the floor in front of her locker. Obviously the janitor had opened the locker and let her out.

She got up, and walked to the lockers, and proceeded to shower everything off, throwing the soiled clothes into a bad to wash later, then getting a change of clothes out of her book-bag, which, thankfully, no one had touched and had remained outside her locker.

Taylor returned to class with slightly damp hair, and completed the last 2 classes of the day as if nothing had happened.

When she returned home that day, and Danny asked how her day was, she thought about it a second, shrugged and said, "Pretty good actually, I found a great place to take a nap where no one will bother me." She then went up to her room to get started on the rest of her day.

-----------------

Yea.... I couldn't help myself.

 

[Flabbyknight]

Voldemort sat on his throne brooding. He only half listened to some report from a Death Eater whose name he never bothered to learn. His thoughts were directed toward to the much more import problem that was Potter and how much he sucked as a nemesis. After the whole graveyard debacle he went to visit Longbottom to see if he was up to snuff.

Unfortunately he was even worse than Potter. Longbottom hadn't even managed to get a spell out, due to how much he was stuttering and had actual pissed his pants in fear. Voldemort had left after and thank god he hadn't invited any of followers to come watch. Somehow Potter was the better of the two, since he could move around a little and cast spells even if his spell choices were a pile shit

This was completely unacceptable he needed a nemesis that could actual make him look good and much to ire only Potter and Longbottom fit the prophecy. He already got beat by a baby if he got beaten by those two chumps he would be the laughing stock of dark lords everywhere. That is when the most brilliant idea ever occurred to Voldemort. Potter at least had a backbone even if he was imbecile, so all he had to do was train him up to be a rival worth slaying in combat. Yes. The more he thought about this plan the more he liked it.

"I am going out on extended trip and I need a single volunteer. It will be extremely dangerous but the reward is high." he pronounced.

What's-His-Face, the Death Eater that had been droning on and on next to him, said "I would be willing to lay down my life for you my lord. Choose me."

"Very well then. You shall be immortalized in history for aiding me in my conquering of Britain." proclaimed Voldemort. Sucker.

He and What's-His-Face later apperated to the neighborhood that Potter lived in. It stank of muggle and mediocrity almost causing Voldemort to reach. No wonder why Potter was such a failure. Voldemort looked around for the various defenses that Dumbledore no doubt put up to foil his genius scheme. But after a minute Voldemort looked around confused, all he could find was the blood protection that now ignored him since he shared Potter's blood and some asshole under an invisibility cloak. He spent the next half an hour trying to discover the obviously well hidden traps, before concluding that there was nothing else there much to his confusion.

Voldemort killed the watcher and stole his cloak, leave no corpse unlooted he always said. He then headed into Potter's house, What's-His-Face trailing behind him. He murmured the Homenum Revelio spell and checked the first bedroom with only one person inside finding Potter within. He then turned his wand to a doodad of Potters and said "Portus." He motioned for his follower to take his hand, he then touched Potter with the port key and they all left the awful smelly muggle abode.

They popped into an old safe house of his from back before his first attempt to conquer Britian. Nobody would be interrupting his lesson plan here. He then pointed his wand at What's-His-Face and said "Incarcerous". Ropes shot out and binding and gagging his faithful target dummy. Potter was flailing on the ground, but made no attempts to attack him, disappointing. "Potter are you going to attack me or not?" he asked.

Potter spoke up "Who are you? Where are my glasses?"

Whoops. Voldemort knew he was forgetting something. "Be back in a bit." He then made a second port key and traveled back to Potter's room. He quickly spotted Potter's glasses next to his wand on the bureau next to his bed. 'What kind of wizard does not sleep with his wand?' thought Voldemort as he shook his head. When Voldemort got back he tossed Potter's things to him and said "Right time to start your dueling lessons."

"Wait what?" said Potter as he put on his glasses. "Why are you teaching me how to duel?"

"Because it is shameful to have a nincompoop like you defeat me any capacity. So I am going to make you into dueling machine that way our final battle shall be suitably epic." explained Voldemort patiently. "Right then first lesson: dodging. Ready?"

"N-" stared Potter.

"Crucio!" yelled Voldemort. He watched Potter flop around for few seconds before ending the spell. "Potter you call that dodging, you're terrible!"

 

[Ack]

Yeah, there's no way this can end badly.

 

[Trilonias]

Yeah, there's no way this can end badly.

Click to shrink...

Perhaps, but it will be funny getting to that end. For us, anyways. I'm pretty sure Harry would say otherwise.

 

[doomlord9]

Oh! I've read something like this before....gotta see if I can manage to dig it out from the archives, it was a hella long time ago and it sadly never finished. Less crack and more weird seriousness though.

*lots of google-fu later*

FOUND IT!

At the Hands of the Other
By: The-Caitiff
Summer after fifth year. Voldemort kidnaps Harry and they agree to fulfill the prophecy once and for all. What starts as a simple duel to the death gets complicated real quick.
Rated: Fiction T - English - Mystery/Supernatural - Harry P., Voldemort - Chapters: 12 - Words: 38,591 - Reviews: 506 - Favs: 873 - Follows: 904 - Updated: Sep 3, 2006 - Published: Jul 9, 2006 - id: 3036211

Click to shrink...

 

[Flabbyknight]

​

Prequel to That Sounds Like Work

I rest my bones and just chillax​

Alec grumbled to himself as he walked to supermarket. Since Brain and Lisa each had their own apartment and Rachel was well Rachel, it fell on him to buy the groceries if he wanted to eat anything. He supposed he could go out to eat instead but in the end that took more effort than going to the supermarket every once and a while. With a sigh he walked through the front doors of the supermarket and was met with an unusual sight.

There appeared to be a girl made of bugs loudly crying loudly and one the supermarket employees was trying to calm her down. She opened her mouth and wailed "Where I am I suppose to go! No one will let me into any of their stores, I need to eat to you know! Do you want me to live off garbage! I can't believe that you would treat a Case 53 like this! Just because I look like a monster does not mean I am any less human! Why won't anybody help me. " At that point she stopped talking and started sobbing. It was weirdest thing Alec had ever heard in his entire life.

Alec watched as the store manager ran over and said "Calm down Miss. Look we can't let you walk around due to health reasons, but we could make a list of things that you need and we can bring them outside for you. I'll even get you discount for your trouble."

"R-really." sniffled the bug girl her voice buzzing and wobbling. She reached out to hug the manager, but he flinched away, causing her to shrink into herself.

Alec shrugged his shoulders and went about doing his own shopping. He wished that he could have the store do all of his shopping for him. That would be so sweet. After he paid for his food at the cash register he headed back out. Alec started to walk by the bug girl, who was outside waiting for her groceries, when he decided to talk to her. He just came up with the best idea ever and he was not going to let it slip him by. He walked over and stuck his hand out and said "Hi. I am Alec."

She started causing her whole body to lose its shape for a second. She turned towards him and stared down at his hand before raising her own hand made of various insects and shook his hand. Alec forced himself not to notice the bugs writhing against his palm and said "So what's your name then?"

"Um it's… Anne. Nice to meet you? Is there something you wanted?" she buzzed at him in confusion.

"Well you see the thing is I saw how you got them to do your shopping for you and I want in on that action. I am total willing to pay you fifty bucks to do my shopping for me." he explained.

She let out a snort and said "Seriously? I mean I can understand hating going out and buying groceries it takes so god damn much work. I only do it because my Dad always comes back from work late and there is nothing to eat."

Alec blinked and said "Wait aren't you suppose to be a Case 53. How do you have a dad?"

Every bug on her froze for a second before they started buzzing in agitation. "I uh was adopted?"

Alec laughed and said with a wink "Sure you were. Sure you were. So about you getting my groceries what do you say?"

"Make it a hundred." she said annoyed.

"Deal." Alec said quickly. "So do you have away for me to contact you?"

She hesitated for second before shrugging and giving him her phone number. She then asked "So where am I dropping of your groceries anyway?"

'Damn it' Alec hadn't thought about that. He guessed that he could set up a drop of location, but that sounded like way to much work and would defeat the whole purpose of avoiding to go out in the first place. He pulled out some paper and scribbled down the lofts address and said "I call you in about week. Just bring it up here." He then waved goodbye and left with a skip to his step.
…

As Brian and Lisa run up the stairs to loft, Lisa called out "Alec! Lung is out looking for us and we need to talk about a game plan!" When they made it to the top of the stairs they froze and stared at the sight of some girl and Alec sitting on the couch watching TV. Lisa exclaimed "Who the fuck is she!"


Alec look over at Lisa and Brian and said "This is Anne. She has been buying my groceries for the last couple of weeks."

Lisa buried head in her hands and groaned. Brian shouted "Alec are you fucking kidding me! You can't just go inviting people here, because you are too fucking lazy to go shopping."

Alec waved his hand lazily "Relax. She's cool."

Anne nodded her head and said "Cool like a cucumber. Also if I ratted you guys out I would be down a hundred a week and there is no reward for turning you in. Trust me I checked."

Brian just stared at her while Lisa said with a sigh "Look we don't have time to deal with her, Lung his gunning for us and we need a plan of action right now. I was thinking that we confront Lung, but we need to decide this as a group. Also where is Rachel?"

"Out walking her dogs? How the hell should I know?" said Alec.

"Wait." Anne spoke up with no concern in voice "Lung knows where the loft is?"

Brian growled at her "No it supposed to be a secret, right Alec."

"Get off my dick Brian" said Alec with disinterest.

Anne spoke again "So if Lung has no idea where your base is what is the problem? What is he going to do write you an angry letter?"

"I don't know why I am telling you this, but it is about reputation." Brian said glaring at her.

"Oookay then? But you are thieves right? So if is Lung is out and about with his men looking for you, why don't you just hit his headquarters and steal everything? Wouldn't that make you look good and make him look bad?" she asked.

Everyone stared at her in awkward silence, before Alec spoke up and said "I vote for that plan."
…

As the Undersiders were counting their loot from their biggest score ever Alec leaned back in his new laz-e-boy and said "Hey Anne want to join the Undersiders?"

"I don't know." she said "If I become a villain I probably couldn't send my bugs to buy my groceries anymore."

Alec nodded his head in understanding and said "Fair enough."

Lisa sighed shaking her head and said "You two are unbelievable. Before you make a decision how about hearing my sales pitch first?"

Anne shrugged her shoulders and said "Sure why not."

AN: Seriously why didn't the Undersiders just rob Lung. Lung couldn't have known were their base was or else they would have moved at some point since Bakuda and Oni Lee would have been able to blow them sky high at any time.

 

[edale]

As the Undersiders were counting their loot from their biggest score ever Alec leaned back in his new laz-e-boy and said "Hey Anne want to join the Undersiders?"

Click to shrink...

*Blink blink* Alec stole Kenta's Laz-e-boy... That's a death flag right there...

 

[Flabbyknight]

Dumbledore sat at his desk merrily humming to himself as he read over the various school reports, when Harry Potter burst in to his office shouting "I want to transfer out of this death trap of a school right now!"

Dumbledore blinked and opened a drawer, pulling out the appropriate transfer papers and said "While I certainly won't stop you from doing so Harry, I feel like you are making a mistake. Hogwarts is the finest and safest school in the wizarding world and no other school can compare."

Harry gave a derisive snort "Yeah I don't buy that bullshit for a second. In the six years that I have been here I have been attacked by a troll, Voldemort, devil snare, giant spiders, Gilderoy Lockhart, Voldemort again, a Basilisk, dementors, a werewolf, a dragon, grindylows, Voldemort, a Death Eater, and Umbridge."

Dumbledore blinked and said in surprise "Only that many near death experiences? I forgot how safe the school has gotten in the past few decades."

Harry opened and closed his mouth before blurting out "It used to be worse?!"

"Oh my yes. Why when I was a lad I believe that only a quarter of the first years made it to second year alive. It took a great deal of effort but I manage to lower it to a death every few years. I don't mean to toot my horn but that is why many say I am the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen."

Harry just stared at him before saying "Okay maybe it's safe compared to before, but the classes here are terrible. Half of them don't even teach me anything! History is a joke, Defense is so inconsistent I had to teach myself, Potions is such an abusive environment nobody learns anything, Divinations can't actual be taught, and no offense to Hagrid but his class is either boring or a death trap."

Dumbledore stroked his beard in thought "Hmm that is true, I did manage to get a half the teaching staff to teach, didn't I? Go me. When Dippet was in charge only Horace and I actual taught our subjects. The rest mostly got drunk and tried to molest the muggleborns. I for one won't stand for child molesters on the staff. The board of governs fought me on that one for six years, but I won in the end."

"So maybe Hogwarts is less terrible then it used to be, but it is still terrible and I want out." Harry demanded.

Dumbledore shrugged "Well if you are sure, where do you want to go then?"

Harry said "I was think Beauxbaton. I have been learning French for just the occasion."

Dumbledore paused before saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you Harry. You see unlike me, they still allow their staff to torture their students. Dippet employed Filch as the school's torturer, but after I took over I got rid of the position, since I felt it was barbaric. When I scrapped the position and I had to make him the caretaker since he had tenure and I couldn't fire him."

Harry balked "I thought that France would be the more progressive then Brittan for some reason."

Dumbledore shook his head "Harry you'll find that Britain is the most progressive wizarding government in the world. Why it is illegal to kill muggles for sport here, while it did take me a good two decades to get that through and dozens of favors, I pulled it off."

"People here don't even understand what electricity is! Surely the Americans are better than that?" Harry argued.

Dumbledore gave a long hearty laugh "The Death Eaters are positively muggle lovers compared to the Americans. They take blood purity to whole other level. They believe that all non-white wizards and non-pureblood must be hunted down and killed. You would be dead the moment you crossed the border. So next school?"

"Uh Japan?" Harry asked.

Tears appeared in Dumbledore's eyes and he whispered "Please Harry never mention that place again." he shuddered "So many tentacles."

Harry hesitated before he asked "Nicaragua?"

Dumbledore vomited all over his desk and curled up into a ball and started screaming and wouldn't stop.

"I'm just going to show myself out." Harry said. Maybe Hogwarts wasn't so bad.

AN: We have all seen plenty of fanfic taking about how backwards Britain is compared to the rest of the wizarding world. I thought it would be funny that the canon assertion that Hogwarts was the safest and best school in the world was true because everywhere was even worse.

 

[Ack]

Dumbledore sat at his desk merrily humming to himself as he read over the various school reports, when Harry Potter burst in to his office shouting "I want to transfer out of this death trap of a school right now!"

Dumbledore blinked and opened a drawer pulling out the appropriate transfer papers and said "While I certainly won't stop from doing so Harry, I feel like you are making a mistake. Hogwarts is the finest and safest school in the wizarding world and no school can compare."

Harry gave a derisive snort "Yeah I don't buy that bullshit for a second. In the six years that I have been here I have been attacked by a troll, Voldemort, devil snare, giant spiders, Gilderoy Lockhart, Voldemort again, a Basilisk, dementors, a werewolf, a dragon, grindylows, Voldemort, a Death Eater, and Umbridge."

Dumbledore blinked and said in surprise "Only that many near death experiences? I forgot how safe the school has gotten in the past few decades."

Harry opened and closed his mouth before blurting out "It used to worse?!"

"Oh my yes. Why when I was a lad I believe that only a quarter of the first years made it to second year alive. It took a great deal of effort but I manage to lower it a death every few years. I don't mean to toot my horn but that is why many say I am the greatest headmaster Hogwarts has ever seen."

Harry just stared at him before saying "Okay maybe it's safe compare to before, but the classes here are terrible. Half of them don't even teach me anything! History is a joke, Defense is so inconsistent I had to teach myself, Potions is such an abusive environment nobody learns anything, Divinations can't actual be taught, and no offense to Hagrid but his class is either boring or a death trap."

Dumbledore stroked his beard in thought "Hmm that is true, I did manage to get a half the teaching staff to teach, didn't I? Go me. When Dippet was in charge only Horace and I actual taught our subjects. The rest mostly got drunk and tried to molest the muggleborns. I for one won't stand for child molesters on the staff. The board of governs fought me on that one for six years, but I won in the end."

"Okay so maybe Hogwarts is less terrible then it used to be, but it is still terrible and I want out." Harry demanded.

Dumbledore shrugged "Well if you are sure, where do you want to go?"

Harry said "I was think Beauxbaton. I have been learning French for just the occasion."

Dumbledore paused before saying "I wouldn't do that if I were you Harry. You see unlike me, they still allow their staff to torture their students. Dippet employed Filch as the school's torturer, but after I took over I got rid of the position, since I felt it was barbaric. When I scrapped the position and I had to make him the caretaker since he had tenure and couldn't fire him."

Harry balked "I thought that France would be the more progressive then Brittan for some reason."

Dumbledore shook his head "Harry you'll find that Britain is the most progressive wizarding government in the world. Why it is illegal to kill muggles for sport here, while it did take took me a good two decades to get that through and dozens of favors, I pulled it off."

"People here don't even understand what electricity is! Surely the Americans are better than that?" Harry argued.

Dumbledore gave a long hearty laugh "The Death Eaters are positively muggle lovers compared to the Americans. They take blood purity to whole other level. They believe that all non-white wizards and non-pureblood must be hunted down and killed. You would be dead the moment you crossed the border. So next school?"

"Uh Japan?" Harry asked.

Tears appeared in Dumbledore's eyes and he whispered "Please Harry never mention that place again." he shuddered "So many tentacles."

"Nicaragua?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore vomited all over his desk and curled up into a ball and started screaming and wouldn't stop.

"I'm just going to show myself out." Harry said. Maybe Hogwarts wasn't so bad.

AN: We have all seen plenty of fanfic taking about how backwards Britain is compared to the rest of the wizarding world. I thought it would be funny that the canon assertion that Hogwarts was the safest and best school in the world was true because everywhere was even worse.

Click to shrink...

After Harry left, Dumbledore got up from behind the desk. "Actually, Nicaragua isn't that bad," he mumbled. He peered at the bowl of lemon drops. Must have been a bad one. I haven't had cramps that bad in years.

 

[Navrin]

Turns out, 99.99% of the time the people "dying" were faking it so that they could get away from the lunatics and live MUCH more comfortable, safe, and sane lives in the muggle world. As things have changed in Britain more and more elaborate methods have been required to get away with it. Neville has been trying really, REALLY hard to fake his death via potions, but Snape is too good at countering his plots. Voldemort and his Death Eaters were contractors to help people fake their deaths and disappear.

 

[Jack of Olives]

Wow, the wizarding world outside of Great Britain must be like something out of Magicka.

 

[Prince Charon]

Wow, the wizarding world outside of Great Britain must be like something out of Magicka.

Click to shrink...

It's a reasonable extrapolation from how dangerous Hogwarts is in the books, when combined with its Informed Attribute of being the Safest Magical School in the World, or the Safest Place in Britain.

 

[Flabbyknight]

Naruto beamed with pride as he looked around his new apartment building. He had finally convinced the Old Man to let him move out of the orphanage and live on his own. The orphanage hadn't been that bad, but it had been weird. All of the staff always had weird expression on their faces when they looked at him and seemed to shake a lot. He knew it was him because when he asked the other kids about it they told him that " Yeah they only did that when you are around." Since the staff was scared of him he decided to ask the Old Man to move out. He felt bad for the adults, nobody should live in constant fear like that.

Naruto opened his fridge and noticed that the Old Man forgot to stock it. He could ask the Old Man to get him food, but he was six years old and was not a kid anymore. Naruto grabbed Gama-chan and headed out to the nearest grocery store. He bounced into the store and said "Hi. Do you have any ram-"

The shop keeper screamed and prostrated himself on the floor before Naruto. "Please don't eat me Uzumaki-sama! I am bony and gamey. My wife and children are much more tender and succulent, eat them instead!"

"I... uh... what? I just wanted some ramen?" Naruto said confused.

"Take it! Take all of it for free! Just spare me your wrath!" the shop keeper begged.

Naruto shrugged and grabbed a crate of instant ramen before heading out. 'That sure was nice of him.' he thought 'Also weird, but nice.'

----​

Since Naruto moved out of the orphanage he began to notice that all of the adults seemed to be terrified of him for some reason. For instance one time he accidently bumped into an adult and the man turned to look at him to apologize. But when he saw it was Naruto, he turned back around immediately and ran away screaming "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

When he asked the Old Man about what had happened, the Old Man face palmed and said "Don't worry about it Naruto. People are just idiots is all."

But it still bugged Naruto. He had never eaten anybody before so why did everyone think he was going to do it now?! It was so unfair. At least the other children were friendly enough and they thought it was pretty cool that he could make adults do whatever he said. Still Naruto needed to do something about his reputation as a cannibal. One day as he was walking through the market he spotted a orange jump suit and he thought of the perfect plan. If he dressed in warm friendly colors that would put people at ease, right?

----​

"Did you see that the nine-tails change his wardrobe? What do you think he is trying to tell us?"

"Well you know how the brightest colored creatures in nature are the most deadly? He must be trying to warn us that he is not to be trifled with."

"Also now that I think about isn't he is dressing in the same color as his fur."

"Oh god. He must still have his full power and he letting us know he could crush as all at any moment!"

----​

When the Old Man asked if he wanted to join the Ninja Academy Naruto jumped at the chance. The ninja forces of Leaf were meant to defended and protect the Leaf villagers, so maybe that would convince them of his good intentions. However when roll call came on the first day of class Naruto got over excited and yelled out his name, causing the Chunin instructor to let out a scream of fright and poop his pants. Later that same day he overheard two teachers whispering to each other about him.

"-learning to kill us all!"

"Quiet! He might hear you."

'Aw man.' People thought he was learning to be a ninja so he could eat people. Maybe if he did really badly in classes people would stop worrying?

----​

"Okay nobody can possibly be this bad at being a ninja. I think the Nine-Tails is messing with us."

"But why would he choose to do badly? He should be showing us that we mortals do not hold a candle to his might or something along those lines?"

"Maybe he is saying that he does not need our pathetic ninja techniques to destroy us. He has all the skill and power he needs to do that already."

"Oh god."

----​

Naruto fumed. His plan to do practical jokes backfired spectacularly. He saw some kids do it earlier during the academy year and made everybody laugh. While the teacher scolded and punished the culprit, but you could tell that they were amused as well. So he thought 'Hey it worked for them it should work for me.' like an idiot. If anything people were more terrified of him than ever. One of the teachers started to openly cry whenever he saw Naruto and the villagers now made sure to leave ten feet of space between him and them.

He just didn't understand what he did wrong.

----​

"Somebody must have offended the Nine-Tails! Who was foolish enough to provoke it. Everybody knows that kitsune play tricks on people who wrong them!"

"I say we find the asshole that did it and beat that fucker to death!"

"Yeah!"

----​

After failing to get the Old Man to tell him why everybody thought he was a murderous cannibal again, Naruto decided it was time to hatch a new scheme. Everybody liked a respected the Old Man, so if he modeled himself after him they should like him to. Step one was to let everyone know that he was planning on becoming the Hokage. This had to work! It had to!

----​

"Did you hear?! The Nine-Tails wishes to rule us all with a iron fist."

"Well I for one welcome our new fox overlord."

----​

My name is Naruto Uzumaki. My hobbies include proving I am not murderous cannibal, I dislike people who think I am murderous cannibal, I like people who don't think I am murderous cannibal, and my dream is to one day prove that I am not a murderous cannibal.

AN: I always thought it was weird that the villagers would go out of their way to provoke a demon that could maybe one day kill them all. I think this is a far more likely scenario.

 

[Flabbyknight]

"All I am saying Naruto, is that maybe you shouldn't have attacked that missing nin with your teeth. This is probably why people think that you like to kill and eat people." said Sakura-chan.

"I didn't mean to Sakura-chan! But when I thought Sasuke was dead I just so angry and hungry!" said Naruto.

"Naruto the sight of your dead teammates should not be making you hungry." deadpanned Kakashi.

Sasuke gave Naruto a perturbed look and said "Please make sure that I am actually dead before you eat my corpse. Okay?"

"I don't eat people, damn it!" screamed Naruto.

"Apparently you do. You took off half that poor mist nin's face and swallowed it. He was so scared he pooped his pants. It was really gross." countered Sakura, who looked queasy just thinking about it. Naruto started to slam his head repeatedly into a nearby tree.

----​

"Did you hear the Nine-Tails went out on its first C-rank and ate the Demon of Mist!"

"That is not all he did! Apparently he devoured all over Gato corp as well and demanded that Wave build a bridge for him or he would eat them to!"

----​

"You should just give up this fight is over. I won as fate decreed." said Neji with a smirk.
Naruto glared at Neji. The bastard cut off all of his chakara, well he was not giving up without a fight. He reached deep within himself and found something. Chakara flooded his system but so did rage and the desire to eat. "I am going to eat your pretty boy face!" snarled Naruto and lunged at him.

"Oh god we are all going to die!" screamed somebody from the crowed. The various villagers stampeded towards the exits, abandoning their children to their bloody fates and leaving the various foreigners in the stands confused.

Neji struck out at Naruto, but Naruto ignored the blows and pinned him to ground. Neji stared up into the snarling visage before him and knew that he was going to die, so he pooped himself. "I give up! I give up!" he screamed tears in his eyes.

"Winner Nin- I mean Naruto." said proctor shakily. The proctor had pressed himself against the walls of the arena so he would not get between the Nine-Tails and its target.

Naruto got up of Neji and looked around at the now mostly empty seats. "I... I was not really going to eat him." he said rubbing the back of his head and laughing nervously. Neji lay there in a fetal position rocking back and forth, crying to himself.

"Of course you weren't Uzumaki-sama. We all believe you, so please don't eat us." said the poor proctor.

"I don't eat people damn it!" yelled Naruto.

"Tell that to poor Haku!" called out Sakura-chan.

"That only happened one time Sakura-chan! One time!" he protested.

----​

"It was terrifying. He ate that poor Hyuuga girl, Nija or something!"

"Eh she had it coming, she was kind of a bitch really. Seriously who is dumb enough to pick a fight with the Nine-Tails"

"See honey this is why I told you to always be polite to the Nine-Tails"

----​

Naruto needed to stop Shukaku from destroying his village, but he was running low on chakra and his legs were bound by sand. There was nothing he could do! Well there was one thing... with trepidation he reached deep into himself and pulled on the red chakra. "I am going to devour you stupid raccoon." He tore through the sand and was about to reach Gaara when he was bound with sand once more. Naruto pulled against his bonds with all his might. He lunged his head forward and bit off Gaara's nose before swallowing it.

Shukau collapsed causing both of them to fall to ground. Gaara watched in horror as Naruto crawled towards him chanting "Gonna eat ya. Gonna eat ya. Gonna eat ya." Gaara knew at that moment he was going to die, so he pooped his pants and fainted. As Naruto watched Gaara's siblings grab Gaara and ran away screaming about 'How they wouldn't let him eat their little brother.', he came back to senses. He mumbled to himself "I don't eat people damn it." and passed out.

----​

"Did you see the Nine-Tails release its true form?! Could it do that the whole time?!"

"You know now that the Third is gone we need a new Hokage..."

"Are you serious?!"

"Hey do you want to tell the fifty foot tall fox demon he can't be Hokage?"

"...Point."

----​

Naruto looked around his new office overwhelmed with bittersweet feeling. He got what he wanted and became the Hokage, but the Old Man was dead and could never see it. With a sigh he started to flip through mounds paper work. Why did he think this was a good idea again? Well the village put him charge so they must trust him not to eat people, so that was something. As he finished another pile he moved on to new Sand bingo book. He flipped through the pages until he reached his own entry. "Mother fucker!"

----​

Name: Naruto 'The Cannibal' Uzumaki
Age: 12
Village: Leaf
Rank: S
Bounty: 200,000,000 ryu
Biography: Despite his rank of gennin the Cannibal is nothing to be trifled with. He has so far been known to have killed and eaten Zabuza Momochi of Mist and Gato of Gato Corp. He was also seen fighting the One-Tailed demon by himself and winning. It assumed that he has many more victims, but the bodies were never found since he ate them. Recently made the Kage of...

----​

"I don't eat people damn it!"

THE END​

AN: Kurama thought it was funny to make Naruto desire human flesh when using his chakra.

 

[Trilonias]

Would Hinata end up being a sacrificial lamb for Naruto in this? Hilarious... admittedly, I think a more serious story could be made of this too. Also, late response is late.

 

[Flabbyknight]

Fate's Assassin​

"The one with the power to vanquish the Masters of Defense, oh and the Dark Lord too, approaches... born to those who thrice streaked through Hogsmead, born as the seventh month dies... and none that teach him the Art of Defense shall be left unmarked, he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... The Master must destroy the Student or fall to his hand... The one with the power to vanquish the Masters of Defense, oh and the Dark Lord too, approaches... "

'The fuck?' thought Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore.

Eleven years later​

"I am sorry Cassandra but I am going to have to let you go." said Dumbledore sadly.

"But why?" Cassandra exclaimed "You have been happy with my teaching for the last twenty years. What has changed? I have been doing something wrong? If I am, I can fix it!"

"It's complicated." sighed Dumbledore "But you won't be teaching here next year. If you wish to use me as a reference I am more than happy to give a good word."

Dumbledore watched sadly as Cassandra left in near tears, but it was for the best. He was rather fond of her and he would hate to see her struck down by Harry Potter. Unfortunately he would need to find a replacement before the next school year came around. Somebody he wouldn't feel guilty about using as a sacrifice to the altar that was Harry Potter. Luckily the answer to his dilemma fell on to his lap a week later.

Dumbledore stared in bafflement as Quirinus showed up to his office with Voldemort's foul magic radiating of off him. Did Tom think he was an idiot and wouldn't know that Tom was using Quirinus as a host of sorts? Dumbledore considered attempting to strike him down right then and there, when a idea struck him. "Ah Quirinus I am in something of bind. You see Cassandra had to leave this year and you have professed an interest in the Defense Against the Dark Arts in the past, would you be willing to take the position?"

"Of-of course Dumbledore." said Quirinus giving Dumbledore a shaky smile.

Dumbledore smirked.

-----​

Well that hadn't quite worked out like he planned. Harry only managed to kill Quirinus and let Tom get away. Well the prophesy never stated when Harry would strike down his targets, so maybe it was only a matter of time? Well as long as he kept Harry alive, everything should work itself out.

-----​

'Ugh' thought Dumbledore. He hated these damn Ministry parties. He felt a headache coming on from listening to all these morons spewing their idiotic drivel. He gave the blond idiot in front of him a warm smile and said "That is quite fascinating Gilderoy."

"I am pretty amazing." agreed the pompous windbag. "Your accomplishments are pretty impressive as well. They aren't as impressive as my own of course, but you to do quite well for a school teacher."

Dumbledore barely held back an angry retort. He should put this fool in his place. He could... No, he really shouldn't... He was a better man than that. "I am flattered you think so Gilderoy." Dumbledore bite out.

"Maybe one day you could even be as great as me, with my help of course." said Gilderoy.

Fuck it "Gilderoy would you like a job?" asked Dumbledore. Hopefully Harry would burn this one to death as well.

-----​

As Dumbledore watched the mediwizards cart Gilderoy away he couldn't help but feel impressed by Harry's vindictiveness. At first Dumbledore regretted his rash decision and considered firing Gilderoy before anything happened to him. But every time he went to let Gilderoy go, he had to actual speak to the man and well... he stopped feeling guilty again each time. And apparently Gideroy had been illegally oblivating people anyway so it was really karmic justice in a sense.

-----​

Dumbledore felt like shoving rusty nails in to his ears just so he could drown out the never ending whining of the sack of shit in front of him, aka Remus Lupin. "... and then a owl pooped on me." Remus finished whatever he had been rambling about with tears in his eyes.

Holding in a sigh Dumbledore spoke "Remus as much as I enjoy your company, I am afraid I am quite busy so unless there something I can help you with, I have other things that I must be doing."

"Well..." began Remus with his irritating voice "I kind of need a job and since your Defense position is open..."

"I would love nothing more to give the position Remus." began Dumbledore. While Remus grated on his nerves he didn't want the same fate of the last two victims of Harry Potter's wrath to befall Remus. "But-"

"It's because I am werewolf isn't it." interrupted Remus. Dumbledore's eyebrow twitched. If there was one thing he hated it was being interrupted. "No one else will give me a job because of my curse or be my friend or..."

'Oh god.' Dumbledore couldn't listen to this any longer and interrupted whatever depressive ramblings that would come from the werewolf's mouth hole. "If you had let me finish Remus you would know that you already had the job. I was just going to say that we would have to have official interview at a later date as a formality.

"Really?" Remus said surprised "Even with my curse? How do you know that I won't hurt anybody, I am monster and -"

"I believe in you Remus." Dumbledore somehow managed to say with a straight face.

-----​

Huh. That was another one that got away. Sure Remus's reputation was in ruins in the wizarding world for almost eating Harry Potter and all, but Dumbledore could hardly call that vanquished. He guessed the prophesy had a more liberal definition of vanquish. Unless Harry was merely biding his time... Oh well not important.

-----​

Dumbledore hummed merrily to himself as he walked through Diagon Ally when he was suddenly knocked off his feet and landed on his nose hard. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" bellowed Alastor.

Dumbledore got to his feet and gingerly touched his nose. With a grimace he confirmed that it was broken again. 'Why is it always the nose?' he thought dismally. He turned and scowled at Alastor "Really Alastor? Don't you have anything better to do with your time?"

"Nope." responded Alastor with a grin. "I was forced into retirement yesterday. So I am finding new ways to entertain myself." Dumbledore closed his eyes in exasperation and was promptly hit with an expulso curse. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

He laid there on the ground fuming for a minute before getting to his feet again "Well Alastor if your bored could I interest you in a job?"

Alastor made a face and said "Ugh. Teaching kids? That's sound absolutely awful."

"Well if don't want the job." Dumbledore said with shrug "I guess I will have to give it to Severus."

Alastor scowled and said "I forgot that bas- he worked at Hogwarts. He wants the job huh? You know what I can stand to teach for a year."

"I am glad to hear it." said Dumbledore with a beaming smile and twinkling eyes.

-----​

Damn. Alastor managed to survive by being kidnapped and then replaced by Barty, who had been promptly vanquished by Harry at the end of the year. Well he supposed that being locked in a trunk for a year was punishment enough, so he would forgive Alastor.

-----​

"Thank you for coming to meet me Dumbledore." simpered Dolores. Or as he thought of her, bloated toad bitch.

Dumbledore forced himself to keep the smile on his face and said "It is always a pleasure to speak with you Dolores."

"Well let's get down to business, I regret to inform you that you been removed from the position of Chief Warlock." she said sweetly.

Dumbledore blinked before he said "I believe that usually a vote is held for removal of the Chief Warlock."

"We had a emergency vote yesterday, did you not get your memo? The Wizengamot removed you due to fear that you may be suffering from senility" she said smirking at Dumbledore.

"I see." said Dumbledore reining in the urge hex her. "Well if that is all I need to get back to Hogwarts."

"Oh there is one more thing." she said "If you don't find an approved teacher for the Defense position the ministry will provide one."

"May I ask who you will be providing?" Dumbledore asked through clenched teeth.

"We have not decided yet, but rest assured they will be vetted by me." she replied.

"Well as long it is not you, since you are beyond useless, it should be fine." said Dumbledore "Oh dear, did I say that out loud? I must be getting senile."

"Get out!" she said with a snarl. Dumbledore walked out of the office with a skip to his step.

-----​

Wow. Just wow. Violated by a herd of centaurs. Even Dumbledore wasn't that cruel. Harry must have been feeling particularly nasty this year. All though he couldn't really blame Harry since Dolorous was a odious woman . Also that was another teacher that hadn't been slain like he thought they would be. Hmmm he better make sure that Harry could actual kill Tom. Well time to do some research this summer.

-----​

'Tonight is the night.' thought Dumbledore nervously as he walked to Severus's office. 'You can do this Albus.' He knocked on Severus's door and after hearing Severus's curt "Enter." he opened the door.

"Ah Severus there was something I wanted to talk to you about." started Dumbledore before trailing off.

"Well." said Severus impatiently.

"So Severus I have proposition for you. One that I feel that we have both wanted for a long time. I have seen the look in your eye letting me know this is something you desire" said Dumbledore.

"Oh god no! You are way too old and wrinkly for me!" said Severus far too quickly for Dumbledore's liking. He could have at least thought about it a little.

Offended and heartbroken Dumbledore spoke "What? Severus what in the world are you talking about?"

Severus gave him a suspicious look and said "Weren't you just hitting on me?"

Dumbledore let out a chuckle "That is not what I wished to speak with you about Severus, my boy. Are you still interested in the Defense position?"

 

[mkire]

i can see a second part where dumbledore sits down and explains his thoughts to harry, offering praise for each incident, and commiserate on missing the real madeye moody in forth year.

Meanwhile harry is just going 'what the fuck'

 

[Flabbyknight]

You Mannequin Me Crazy​

Sakura stared Naruto's apartment door worriedly. Ever since Naruto failed to retrieve Sasuke and recovered at the hospital he hadn't been seen outside of his apartment. Sakura bit her lip and tried to ignore the guilt gnawing at her stomach. She should have never made Naruto promise to bring Sasuke back. His failure to keep his promise had no doubt sent him into a spiral of depression. Sakura stood there for another five minutes trying to willed herself to confront Naruto before finally got her nerve and moved up to his door.

She was about to knock when she heard Naruto's voice. "...you...uke...dirty...ore." Was Naruto talking to somebody? Maybe she should came back later? But Sakura's curiosity got the better of her and she leaned against the door so she could her the conversation better. However Naruto had already stopped talking and no one else seemed to be speaking, all she could her a soft sucking noise. Was Naruto talking to his ramen again? Naruto spoke up again and this time she heard him say "I knew that you would never really leave me Sasuke."

Wait what?! Sakura's eyes bugged out. Sasuke was here the whole time! Sakura ripped Naruto's door off its hinges and saw Naruto making out with a mannequin on his couch. "I- what?" said Sakura in confusion.

"Sakura-chan what are you doing here!?" said Naruto his voice panicked as he tried to hide the mannequin behind his back.

"Naruto what in the world are doing!?" she said horrified.

"I wasn't making out with Sasuquin! How dare you even accuse me of such a thing." yelled Naruto. Sakura turned her eyes away from the Naruto towards the mannequin. It was wearing the same clothes Sasuke always wore, had red googly eyes and a black wig that looked like a ducks butt on its head.

"Naruto I clearly saw you making out with that mannequin of Sasuke just now. Don't even try to pretend you weren't." said Sakura colleting her wits.

"Okay so maybe I was making out with Sasuquin, but Sasuquin isn't a mannequin of Sasuke! It's a complete different Uchiha! Hi- her name is Satsuki." he explained.

"There are no other Uchiha." said Sakura unimpressed.

"Well of course there aren't anymore." said Naruto rolling his eyes. "I fell in love with her before the massacre happened and after she died I was unable to move on. It's really tragic and stuff."

Sakura gave Naruto a flat look and said "You are so full of it Naruto. You're a terrible liar. That is clearly Sasuke and... you are in love with Sasuke! It's kind of obvious in hindsight I don't know how didn't notice it before. It's kind of embarrassing really."

"Sakura don't be silly. How can I be gay? I have a crush on you." said Naruto reasonably.

"Oh my god! I am your beard!" said Sakura scandalized. "I don't know if I showed be flattered or offended!"

"For the last time I am not in love with Sasuke!" shouted Naruto loudly as he threw his arms up into the air causing the Sasuquin to hit the ground. "Shit! I am so sorry baby! I didn't mean it!" Naruto hurriedly scooped Sasuquin up and embraced it close to his body.

"Hinata is going to be so devastated." said Sakura sadly.

"Who?" said Naruto blankly.

"Hinata, you know the Hyuga heir?" At his continued blank expression. "She is shy and faints a lot? You almost got her killed in the preliminaries? Really?"

"Doesn't ring a bell." said Naruto with a shrug.

Sighing and shaking her head Sakura looked at Sasuquin again. Despite herself Sakura had to admit Naruto did a good job constructing Sasuquin. " Naruto I have to ask it's so life like how-"

"What! Don't be ridiculous! How could I have possible made it anatomically accurate! How dare you accuse me of watching him in the shower!" said Naruto outraged.

"I... I was going to ask how you got the wig to match his hair so well." said Sakura eyes now glued to Sasuquin's lower body a trickle of blood coming out of her nose.

"Well I didn't steal his hair from his brushes over the last six months if that's what you are suggesting." said Naruto.

"O...kay." said Sakura edging away from Naruto. "Wait a second! You have been trying to steal Sasuke-kun from me!"

"What." said Naruto flatly.

"Admit it!" she said pointing her finger. "You stole his first kiss! Your constantly getting physical with him! I have seen the looks the two of you have been exchanging! Well I am not going to let you win Naruto!"

"Please like you can beat me. Shit. I mean I don't know what you are talking about Sakura-chan." said Naruto hastily.

Sakura narrowed her eyes at Naruto and growled "What the fuck do you mean that I can't beat you."

Naruto opened his mouth to say something before closing it. After a moment he smirked at Sakura and said "I mean you don't got a prayer of beating me in the race for Sasuke's heart. Let's be real here I am already miles ahead of you."

"What?!" screeched Sakura. "There is no way I am going to let you beat me!"

Snorting he said "Right. Like you said I am already his first kiss and unlike you I can actually have things in common in with him. Face it Sakura I have already won."

"That's it, Naruto from now on we are love rivals!" declared Sakura.

"Bring it billboard brow." said Naruto smugly.

"Gladly you whiskered moron." Sakura stood there glaring at Naruto before she cleared her throat. "Um do you think I could borrow Sasuquin sometime."

"Hands off my man you slut!"

 

[Jack of Olives]

You Mannequin Me Crazy​

Click to shrink...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

 

[doomlord9]

I usually don't like SasuNaru but that was just too funny.

 

[Flabbyknight]

Itachi should never babysit​

"Genin Uchiha Itachi do you know why you are here?" asked Hiruzen.

"No Hokage-sama," said a seven year old Itachi as he stood at attention.

Hiruzen puffed his pipe as he examined Itachi face for any sign of deception before he replied, "I see. I wish to speak to you about the D-rank babysitting mission you took earlier today. In your own words could you describe to me what happened?"

Itachi gave a serious nod and began his report, "At 0800 I received the D-rank to babysit Fukui Aoi from 0900 till 1700. My genin team and I arrived promptly at the appointed time. Around 1200 I was sent out to retrieve rations for our squad. As I was acquiring rations I began to go over the mission details once more to make sure I wasn't missing anything important. This is when I realized the mission was flawed and came up with plan Fisherman."

"What is plan Fisherman?" prompted Hiruzen.

"Well the point of the babysitting mission is to guarantee the safety of Fukui-san correct?" asked Itachi.

"That is correct," replied Hiruzen.

Itachi nodded before he continued his explanation, "I realized that once the mission was over the threats to Fukui-san's life would rise greatly since he no longer has shinobi bodyguards. With this realization cam the knowledge that I had to take steps to make sure he was safe after I departed. I decided center my plan around the old adage, 'Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for the rest of his life.' If Fukui-san could protect himself then he would not need me to protect him. So he clearly needed to be trained in the shinobi arts."

"Of course," said Hiruzen dryly.

"I of course lacked the time to properly train him with in the time alloted by the mission so I decided to encourage him to sign up at the academy so he could acquire the skills that he needs. However Fukui-san is only four years old, he lacks the emotional maturity to take his training seriously, so I decided to take a page out of my father's book and show him a bunch of dead bodies."

"What," said Hiruzen, his voice colored with disbelief.

"When I was four myself, Father took me to a battle field and showed me a bunch of dead bodies in the hopes that the trauma would make me more mature and ready for shinobi life. I have been told I am very mature for my age so clearly his plan worked. Also when I sometimes close my eyes I can still see their bodies dripping."

"I..." started Hiruzen before trailing off not sure where to began.

"I of course could not acquire a large amount of dead human bodies since we do not have a surplus of them lying around. While the morgue has quite a few I lack the authorization to take those, so I discarded that plan quickly and since grave robbing is also a crime it was not an avenue that I could pursue either. I decided then that since I could not get enough human bodies before the mission was complete I would have to improvise and use animal corpses. While it is of course illegal to kill an owner's pet there are no laws prohibiting me from digging up the bodies from the local pet cemetery."

Hiruzen buried his face in his hands and said "While that may not be illegal per say Itachi, it is considered in bad taste to dig up people dead pets."

Itachi blinked and said apologetically, "I am sorry Hokage-sama. I did not know that, in my future missions I will keep that in mind."

"Please do so," sighed Hiruzen.

"When I returned I headed up the Fukui-san's room I realized a flaw in my plan, that the trauma might not be great enough. You see unlike with my experience the bodies were neither human nor fresh. So clearly I need to take extra steps to make sure the trauma level was high enough. I then proceeded to enter Fukui-sans room and pelted him with the deceased pets."

"Itachi."

"Yes Hokage-sama?"

"You are hereby banned from babysitting missions. Also send your father to speak with me. I wish to talk with him about his childrearing strategies."

 

[Flabbyknight]

Ghost Strike​

"... and so ended the rule of Gzrom the Pungent," droned Cuthbert Binns. "For class next week you will need to write an essay on the effects of Gzrom's death. Ten inches."

He then turned to fly through the blackboard when he heard a loud, "Hem Hem."

Binns turned to around to see that it was the large pink student that sat in on his class today who made the noise. What was her name again? He believed it started with an u. "Yes, Mrs. Umbrella?"

The sickly smile that had been on her face turned into a scowl and she said, "My name is not Mrs. Umbrella. You will address me as Professor Umbridge."

Binns blinked in confusion and replied, "I am sorry Professor Porridge I did not know that you taught here. May I ask what you wish to speak to me about?"

"Yes about that, you see I am the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts and one of my duties is to evaluate the teaching staff and see if they are fit to teach the student body."

Binns squinted at her and said, "I have never heard of this High Inquistor of Hogwarts position before. It sounds like made up title. Are you even a real professor?"

Professor Porridge's face turned a nasty pink color and she hissed, "Of course I am a real professor and my name is Umbridge not porridge!" She then started to scribble something on to a clipboard. "Now I wanted to talk to you about a few things. For instance the fact that your students sleep through your lessons."

Binns blinked in surprise before he let out a scoff and said, "Don't be ridiculous. I think I would have noticed if they had."

"I assure that they have been," she said snappishly. "I have also noticed that nowhere in your lesson plans do you discuss the importance of blood purity."

"Professor Umbilical I discuss and teach facts. Blood purity has no basis in facts and refuse to teach such rubbish. There has been zero evidence proving that blood purity has any effect on the magical skill of the wizard or witch" replied Binns in annoyance. The very idea of teaching unverified information offended him to his core.

"I see," said Professor Umbilical with narrowed eyes. "And you refuse to budge on this matter do you?"

"I would rather die," declated Binns.

"Then I have no choice but to let you go," she said with glee.

"Very well. I am busy anyway, I have papers to grade," said Binns with a sniff.

"You misunderstand, you are fired," said Professor Umbilical.

"You can't fire me, I have tenure," he replied with scorn.

"Tenure only applies to living people which no longer applies to you," she said with cruel smile.

Binns bristled and said, "That's livingist! I will not stand for such bigotry!"

"You have a day to leave the castle before I call in Ministry exorcists," said Professor Umbilical gleefully.

Binns face turned into a mask fury and muttered, "I see. I see. You have left me with no choice." He then bellowed, "Ghosts of Hogwarts hear me! I declare a GHOST STRIKE!"

"What the blazes are you rambling about?" demanded Professor Umbilical.

Binns merely threw back his head laughed manically before he floated through the blackboard.

A moment later Dumbledore ran into the room out of breath and red faced and said, "Dolores what did you do?!"

"I removed Binns from his postion," she said as she gave Dumbledore a mean smile. The windows of the class room began to rattle and the sound of wind started to pick up.

"What!? Why would you do that?!" said Dumbledore his voice filled with panic. "Don't you know what happened last time somebody tried to remove from his teaching post!? We must find him and tell him he has his job still before it is too late!"

"I will do no such thing and neither will you," said Umbridge with a sniff. "I am not afraid of Binns and his so called ghost strike." Was it just her or did the wind sound like the cries of the damned?

"He has declared a ghost strike," said Dumbledore with a dead voice.

"So he claimed," she said dismissively. The windows of the room then exploded and showered the pair in glass.

It was at this point Dumbledore broke down into tears.

One week later​

"It is with great relief to inform you all that Professor Binns has returned to his teaching post and the ghost strike is over," said a red eyed and pale Dumbledore. The entire student body and the teaching staff flinched at the words 'ghost strike'. Several people started to scream hysterically and curl up into a fetal position.

Mr. Longbottom kept screaming, "Can't sleep or the ghosts will get me! Can't sleep or the ghosts will get me!"

Dumbledore continued over the screams and said, "We have also been forced to let go Professor Umbridge due to her admittance to the Janus Thinly Ward. May God have mercy on her soul. Also-"

"I would like to say something," came Binns's dry voice. Dumbledore threw himself under the staff table and tried to make himself as small as possible. Some red haired boy from Gryffindor waved a cross around in the air. Binns let out a chuckle and said, "Put that a way foolish boy, your gods will not save you." The boy turned bone white and dropped the cross as though it was on fire.

Binns gave a nod of satisfaction and turned to address the great hall, "I think we all learned a valuable lesson here over the past week, the importance of history. If we forgot the past we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of those that came before us. Professor Porridge forgot the past and so was doomed. Hopefully you all learned something from her mistakes." Then for the first time in living memory Binns smiled. It was the things of nightmares. "I look forward to seeing you in class."