Handsome Jack: The Hero?

[meloa789]

You forgot the threadmark

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 18 So Far Away

"You'll be fine." I didn't growl. That would be unseemly. My voice just took a deeper, more threatening tone, to convey my annoyance. That's it.

"Please, Mr. Jack!" Claptrap whined, clenching my leg in a way that almost made me reminisce about Angel when she was a kid. Except this was less sweet, and more gross. "Don't leave me alone! Take me with yoouuu!:

Everyone else, barring Tannis, actually took my decision pretty well.

Roland was apathetic, Lilith was understanding, Mordecai was unsurprised (dick), Brick was a little sad, but he's a big boy. He got over it. Especially since I'm letting him keep the Technical. For now.

I'm not just gonna abandon them. But, Angel's right, I need to get my priorities in check. Besides, I'll just make them a bigger target, and that's definitely not going to do them any favors. I'll just work Mission Control for a bit, just until the heat dials down.

Might need to talk things over with the boys at Hyperion too.

Corporates are not going to be happy with me. I've got a pretty recognizable 'face' and now the Crimson Lance has seen it all around Pandora. The bosses are going to grill me about this. Tassiter might even try to use this to get me fired.

Originally, back when I had this plan, I wasn't too worried about it. I figured they'd be so excited to get their hands on an Eridium rich planet, that they'd give me a pass for going around management.

But since now I'm going to be leaving before the Vault's even been peeked into, I gotta convince them that it's worth our time. Which it is. So at least I won't have to lie. Much.

I'll probably need to embellish a few details here (my employee competence) and leave a few details out (my Siren daughter), but that should be fine. Chances are, they'll give me the benefit of the doubt before they try to kill me.

I am their favorite worker.

The only thing I really need to worry about is Assiter- Sorry, Tassiter. But what else is new, right?

Ah! Frickin- Who made these clamps so tight?! "I said, you'll be fine." I repeated angrily, kicking me leg in a futile effort to remove the annoying robot. "Get off!"

Lilith sighed, and glowed. Next thing I see is a bright flash, followed by a sudden clang.

"Oww." Claptrap whimpered about five feet away from, on top of an old recycling bin. Huh.

Well Lilith, points for power, but I'll have to deduct your aim. Claptraps aren't recyclables. They're trash. "Thanks."

Lilith in response gave a two fingered salute. "Don't mention it." She hesitated for a moment, before asking. "Are you sure you can't stay?"

I sighed quietly. "Yeah. You saw the message, the second they get a beat on me, it's game over. I can handle a few squads, maybe. But I'm not going to try my luck with an army."

Lilith deflated, but nodded. Then, shocking me again, she gave me a hug. "Don't be a stranger."

I cautiously returned it with a brief pat and gave a small smile. "Hey, don't worry. I'll group back up with you guys at the end. I have to take credit somehow, right?"

Lilith rolled her eyes, and playfully punched my arm. "Right. Well, when you're big and famous, just remember the little guys who helped you out, ok?"

"And their paychecks." Mordecai helpfully reminded, while giving away that he was totally eavesdropping.

"Of course. How else could I ever repay the valuable help that Bloodwing's given me?" I taunted.

Bloodwing herself preened at the praise, while Mordecai grumbled something quietly in a language I didn't speak. Safe to say it probably wasn't very nice.

"Please, sir! Can't I come with you?" Claptrap begged, again.

"No." I immediately denied. "It's uh, I'm going to my bosses back at Hyperion. They have a no Claptrap allowed policy back at the station. Sorry."

"Actually, you could-" I quickly cut Angel's feed out, and grinned sheepishly at everyone, besides Claptrap, who for the life of him couldn't take a hint. That reminds me, I need to update his context clues software.

"Would you all excuse me for a quick second? Thanks." I didn't actually wait for approval, I just left. You can do that sort of thing when you're the boss. "Angel, sweetie, can you please give me a break?"

"Did you just hang up on me?!" Guess not.

"Okay, look, let's not get off topic here." Do not let her deflect, Jack. She learned it from watching you, and if you let her win, you'll never win. "Why are you trying to latch a Claptrap onto me? You know I hate them. You don't see me trying to set you up with a clown!"

Not after that one birthday… ughh.

"I was just going to say you could bring him!" Angel defended herself. "And you could. What's so wrong with that?"

"Angel," I sighed exasperated. "You're my daughter, and I love you unconditionally. But if you keep pulling this crap, I'm going to start making conditions."

It's an empty threat, and we both know it. But I think it got my point across.

Doesn't stop Angel from giving an almost rebellious snort. "Whatever you say, dad." She paused, and the silence stretched long enough to the point where I almost hung up again. "And dad?"

"Yeah, Angel?"

"Thank you." She said gratefully. Two words, and she already made me feel a lot better about leaving. "I know you wanted to stay…"

She trailed off, and I took that as my cue. "Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta take care of your priorities first. You're my little girl. The Vault can wait."

I could practically hear her blush. "I'll see you soon, then?"

"You will." I promised.

"Okay." Angel sighed in relief. "I love you, dad."

"I love you too, kiddo." Uh oh. Tannis is in bound. "I gotta go, we can talk later." I heard a quick goodbye before I cut the comms, but that was enough. "Doc." I greeted her carefully.

"Jack." She returned coldly.

"Listen, Tannis, I-" I stumbled through an apology. Something she obviously didn't appreciate.

"Spare me." Tannis rolled her eyes. She made a big effort into doing that, her head's going along with the motion. "If I desired to listen to an insincere and incomplete apology, I would have taken Echo Recorder back."

Okay, not sure what the polite response to that is. Just gonna pretend I didn't hear it.

"You'll be fine." I reassure her instead. She snorted in disbelief, so I kept going. "I'm serious! I know they don't look like it, but these guys are professional. The Vault couldn't be in better hands."

Bang!

"Sorry!"

"Claptrap, I told you to stay out of the driver's seat!" Great supervision, Mordecai.

"But this isn't the driver's seat. It's the turret." Claptrap argued, unhelpfully.

"Yeah, well… shut up!" Mordecai refuted, unhelpfully. I'm starting to suspect a pattern here.

Tannis didn't raise an eyebrow at me. She probably didn't have enough information on social cues to be aware that it's how you express doubt, or incredibility. So instead, she stared at me. Without blinking. For almost an entire minute.

It was actually starting to make me uncomfortable.

"Okay, in my defense." I stressed, holding up my hands in peace. "In my defense, I did not hire Claptrap. He just sorta tagged along." Please stop staring at me.

She didn't. "You can't leave."

"I have to." I repeated. "Look, it's not that bad, I can still provide a bit of orbital support and oversight. It'll be like I never left… even though there's going to be lightyears of distance between us. But, but I can still come back with a flash thanks to Fast Travel."

Tannis's intense stare, lessened ever so slightly, her deranged and angry gleam, replaced by a deranged and curious gleam. "Fast Travel? I have not heard of this Phenomenon. Describe it to me, immediately."

"You don't know-?" Ah! Angry glare's back, skip the small talk! Skip the small talk! "It's a form of teleportation I invented to get from point A to B near instantaneously."

"Spare no detail." Tannis spoke much more rationally. She's still completely crazy, but it's the manageable kind, now. "I want to know the process more thoroughly then my own body, which consists of two concealable moles, twenty six freckles, and as of last Friday-"

"So, let me tell you about Fast Travel!" I interrupt with false cheer. Too much information, Doc.

I then proceeded to give a long winded lecture on the semantics, functions, and planning behind the Fast Travel, of which I'm only about forty percent knowledgeable of. I'd say Angel did about thirty percent of the other work, and the Sireny powers helped fill in the blanks for the last thirty.

Again though, I am really glad I have Jack's intelligence, because otherwise, I'd be completely clueless.

Tannis had no such problem, occasionally chiming in with her own certifiable insights. Otherwise, she just nodded along thoughtfully. Or as close as she could manage, like I said, she doesn't really get social cues.

"I see." She hummed a tune off key, thoughtfully. "I believe I can perceive your plan accurately, if you shall indulge me?"

Huh? Oh, that was a question. "Uh, sure."

"Marvelous." Tannis breathed in, and at the moment I knew I fucked up. "You have, in your possession, a device that will allow you to travel to and from any two places in the known universe. Even if those two places are worlds away."

"Yes."

"Your intention is to use this device to escape Pandora as quickly as possible, and only return when the need is most dire. However, this position still allows you to provide mobile support, or at the very least, monitor the Vault Hunters activities." She continued.

"Yes."

"You are taking me with you." Tannis concluded.

"Ye- No. Sorry, reflex. But anyways, no, you're not coming." I denied the simple, and surprisingly sane request. "You're needed here. You know, for the Vault? Is this ringing any bells here?"

"Don't be silly, Jack." She waved off. "My lunch bells activate on an automatic timer, does this look like noon to you? Oh, and yes, I am most certainly coming. There is no reason my part cannot be completed at Hyperion. Indeed, a more refurbished lab would be most useful."

"Okay, good point." But you're crazy and I don't want to be that close to you. "But don't you need some of your supplies, or equipment here? I mean, you've probably customized this stuff up to your standards, right?"

"Perhaps." Tannis seemed to hesitate, before her lips twitched in rendition of a smile. "You still have the rather large fellow under your employ, yes? We can make use of his services and have him carry items I do not wish to.

"Are you sure?" I'm running out of polite excuses, make this good! "What if you forget something? Can we really afford to come back?"

Tannis stated at me again, and I had no idea what that meant. "If perchance I were to forget something of vital importance, as unlikely as that may be. It has recently come to my attention that I can simply teleport back."

Yup. I definitely fucked up.

"I- but! Aghh, fine." I reluctantly, and slightly bitterly allow it. All aboard the crazy train. Choo-choo-! Wait not all! "Claptrap stays here though."

"Agreed." Tannis thankfully did not argue with me on this. First real accord we've ever had.

"Okay they, you ready to-"

"I'll fetch my things, immediately." No sprinting involved, but she did exit with a remarkable pace.

So, that was a thing.

...​

Brick wasn't quite sure what to think.

Granted, that's not much different than usual. But something about today's events left a different kind of feeling. Less confused, and more conflicted? He didn't know. Or at least, he didn't really know how to describe it.

Brick wasn't a therapist, is that the right word?

Brick wasn't a touchy-feely, smarty-pants guy. And certainly, no one has ever accused him of being emotionally mature. Or intelligently mature. People did call him overly mature, physically speaking.

But emotionally, yeah, not so much. It's kind of a work in progress. Check back on that later.

He definitely wasn't happy that Jack was gone. Brick liked Jack. Jack was a nice guy, he made lots of jokes, he paid pretty well, he explained things to Brick when he was confused. Nobody was ever that patient with him!

Brick's still not sure why Jack had to leave. Mind you, the man did explain it, but it still didn't make a whole lot of sense. The boss gets a wanted poster, with a pretty big number on it granted, and leaves to protect them?

Now Brick's been prone to confusion, certainly. But this feels like a special kind of mind bender.

So, he's just going to stop trying to wrap his head around it. "What's the plan, boss?"

It took a second for Lilith to realize he was talking to her. And people thought he was slow. "Me?"

"Yeah, you. Didn't Jack leave you in charge?"

"No." Lilith snorted, before she paused. "Did he?"

"That's what it sounded like to me." Mordecai said casually, and Bloodwing cawed in agreement. At least Brick thinks that's an agreement. Couldn't be sure, though. He doesn't speak bird.

"What about Roland?" Lilith tried to weasel out, good point though. "Where is he anyway?"

"Refueling." The man in question answered, passing by them with a full container of gas. "It's going to be a long trip."

"Wait! Can't you- and he's gone." Lilith sighed. That's why no Roland.

"What's the problem, girl?" Brick asked sincerely. "You're smart, you know what you're doing."

"I don't even know where we're going!" She complained.

"I do." Roland passed by again, this time with an empty container, dang he's fast. "Tannis gave me the coordinates. I'm driving." His voice left no room for argument, and even if it did, he left almost immediately after finishing that sentence anyway.

"If Tannis gave you the coordinates, doesn't that mean you're in- and he's not listening. Again." Lilith groaned into her hands. "I haven't even been in charge for an hour, and already my people don't listen to me."

"We're listening to you." Brick argued emphatically. "Right, guys?"

Roland briefly nodded, already heading straight for the Technical. Bloodwing sang in approval and flew over to Lilith in support. Which actually caused Mordecai to stumble because apparently he hadn't been paying attention.

"Crap." Mordecai struggled to quickly regain his balance, looking at Bloodwing in slight betrayal, before sheepishly smiling at the rest of the group. "Uh, sorry. What's going on? I wasn't listening."

Lilith impossibly groaned even louder. Prompting Roland to honk the horn prematurely. She straightened up, and looked around in defeat, her shoulders slightly sagging in despair. "Fine. Let's go."

The next thing she mumbled was obviously just a part of Brick's wild imagination. Psshh. 'This is going to be a disaster.' Yeah, right. This is going to be great!

Also, where's Claptrap?

...​

"It was to my understanding we would not be bringing it." Tannis loudly whispered to me, completely ruining the point of whispering. She was arguably less happy about him than I was.

But that's because I knew something she didn't.

"We're not." I assure her firmly.

"Then why is it following us?" Tannis continued her interrogation in her 'quite' voice.

There was a small scraping sound, followed by a digitalized "Pshew. Close one." Claptrap's were definitely not designed for stealth. Nah. They were designed for… what again? It was opening doors, right? Seriously, how stupid are people that they need a robot in order to open a door.

"Because he's an idiot?" I offer suggestively.

"True." Tannis allows. "But imbecilic or not, I find it difficult to believe even a Claptrap incapable of utilizing your 'Fast Travel'."

Fair. Given all the surprisingly stupid people in the galaxy, I made the system as user friendly as possible. Figures that'd come back to bite me. Or it would if I hadn't made precautions for exactly these kinds of scenarios.

"He's not registered in the Network." I explained. "I only let people who pay for this stuff use them. Technically we're going to have to register you too at some point, you're just kind of riding my coattails today."

Well, sorta. That's what all 'plus ones' do in my opinion.

"Hmmph!" She harrumphed, tilting her nose up superiorly. Tannis is going to fit in great at Hyperion. "Shall we then?"

"Let's go."

The process gets a little easier every time, but so far it hasn't killed the allure. There's a certain kind of fascination with all the pretty colors, the sounds, that feeling in your bones, as your body is whisked away into a vortex. Instantaneously, with no trigger warning in sight.

One moment, you're just chilling, standing in place, the next you're just a beam of light. Pointed in a direction, and launched headfirst, feetfirst, you don't even know!

Thankfully, the journey ends almost as quickly as it begins, so you don't overthink any of the big existential questions. A, uh, a couple of test dummies had that problem. But the kinks are all sorted out now, so it's fine. Probably.

Tannis though… she vomited. Just, wretched over and hurled her guts out.

I'm gonna take a few (many) steps back. I like these shoes, and I don't want to burn them. "Yeah, the first time can be a little disorienting."

Tannis holds a finger in the air, don't worry it's not the middle one. She's just telling me to give her a moment. Which, yeah, that makes sense, she can't exactly talk right now. In fact, I think I'm just gonna stop talking too.

She catches her breath, spitting out the last bits of vomit in her mouth, and faces me. Vomit still on her face. Gross. "Well, then, now that we have arrived, what-"

"Waah!" What the- Claptrap?!

He came out of the portal crawling, first person I've ever seen do that. It was actually a little weird to see, with the whole wheel instead of legs thing. "That was crazy! I just saw all of reality pass by, what does it all mean?! Does any of it matter? Do I matter!?"

Huh. Guess I'm gonna have to go over the designs again. I do not want to be responsible for robotic sentience. Wait a minute, how'd he even get here?! No Claptrap has ever been allowed in the-

Angel.

You are so grounded.

...​

Hey, if he has to be a good dad, he at least gets to have fun with it.

So, there you have it folks, another day, another chapter. As always, check me out at FFN, if you want to catch up to the latest public release, or see me on Patreon, if you'd like to read up to five chapters ahead of that. Link below:

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[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 19 Back In Red

I look around at the Hyperion trade center, the rising star of Corporate history. I see it all. The people, the pizzazz, the proprietary! And all I can think to myself is Damn! What an eyesore…

Red is just not our color.

It's a petty, and fairly random thought, but in my head, I have this shining vision of Hyperion. Gold statues, yellow defenders, an office chair so bright that it's practically a throne. Then I blink, and all I can see is a bland, brick colored red.

Not even brick! It's more like maroon. Maroon! Are we trying to bore our customers?!

When I'm in charge, and I will be in charge (it's pretty much my destiny), I'm redecorating everything. With actual decorators, mind you. Sure, Claptraps might be cheaper, but they're about as artistically talented as a kindergartener on acid.

This may seem like a random, and some may even say deliberately distracting. Which it is.

You see, when I come to a problem that I find I have zero preparation for, I deflect. I distract, I evade, and I procrastinate. It's how I dealt with a lot of my parental responsibilities. Well, the unimportant ones anyway, like 'Is Santa real?' or 'What is sex?'.

Is it the most mature response? Absolutely not. But it does allow me to get away with not confronting my problems and leave them for other people to solve. Which is a big old check in the plus column.

Sadly, as much as I enjoy running away from reality, that doesn't always make my problems go away. Especially when there's nowhere to run, and even if they were, those problems would just chase me, like the annoying little parasites they are.

I am, of course, referring to Claptraps.

Oh, and also Dr. Tannis, Tassiter, and the whole heap of no-no's about the Vault. But in my defense, those problems aren't nearly as annoying.

"Wow! Look at everything! It's all so red!"

Fuck it! I think it's time for a timeout. "Claptrap! Initiate Morpheus Protocol. Begin sleep mode."

"Okay!" Claptrap cheerfully agreed… before simultaneously collapsing. And actually muttering "Zzz."

I'm tempted to scream at him that making that sound while occasionally releasing an audible snore, does not count as sleeping. But I stop myself because I'm paradoxically worried that it'd wake him up. Confusing, isn't it?

"John." Tassiter snarked. Yes, snarked. The man's so unbelievably snippy, that he turned the word snark into a verb. What (and I realize the irony of this) a jackass. "I see you've brought back a friend."

And rather than nod to the semi-respectable, if very intelligent Vault Expert/Doctor/Excavator, he unceremoniously, and literally kicked Claptrap in indication. Honestly, that just pisses me off more. For my sake. I would never befriend a Claptrap.

Must NOT kill him, until I run the company. Must not KILL HIM, until I run the company.

Slightly managing to dial in my murder vibes, I smirk back an empty smile. "Cute, Tassy. How long you been working on that one? Oh! Have you been practicing your banter skills again? They're getting better! But they're still lacking that one thing, what was it again?"

I mockingly stroke my metal chin in thought, undoubtedly pulling off a perfect villain pose.

"Hmm. Volume? No, I heard it. Wit? Eh, it was okay. Would have been better if you came up with it on the spot. Ah!" I snapped my fingers, smiling at my 'epiphany'. "Charm! You, my unlucky frenemy, are completely charmless."

"Am I, John?" Tassiter sneers back. To this day, he still rather persistently calls me by my birth name. Considering that Jack isn't even the name I'm most used to, this does very little to bother me. But it's adorable that he tries so hard.

"Pardon the interruption," Tannis interrupts, unapologetically. "But I believe that Jack and myself still need to review the contract of my employment."

"Oh?" Tassiter turns an uninterested eye on my most recent lackey- worker. "Pray tell, what precisely has John offered you? Seeing as he does not have nearly the authorization required to begin granting Hyperion jobs. Especially to Dahl trash-"

"Oh, on the contrary, boss." I refute, ending on a sarcastic note. "I've been permitted to hire as many long term 'independent contractors' as I want, for about oh two, maybe three years ago. You remember, right? It was around the time I made the Fast Travel, and you did… I'm sorry, I'm gonna need you to refresh my memory. What was the big important thing you did on your own?"

Tassiter actually turned a little red. Yikes, make that very red. Someone's trying to match corporate color. "Of note? I was busy running more than half the day by day functions, managing every single system that makes Hyperion great. While you played inventor."

"Right, right, right." I rapidly imagined it all coming back to me. "Sales were at an all-time low, under your oversight, I mashed up a few tools, and then bam! Highest gross profit we've made in years."

"You-" And he's sputtering again. How eloquent, classy, and most of all charming. Or you know, the exact opposite. "How dare you-!"

"Uh huh, sounds great Tassy." I tune him out, like a parent tuning out their kid's speech about who their favorite action figure is. "Hey, here's a thought, why don't you leave my screening process to me. Kay? I think I've got it handled better than you do."

"Indeed." Tannis cut in, seemingly unimpressed by our pissing match. "Then shall we continue, Jack? I grow weary of the numerous social stimuli plaguing this station."

That's Tannis speech for: I'm getting socially awkward, can we please go?

I'm going to allow it because I don't really want to be here anymore either. "Sure, hun."

We made it a few more steps before Tassiter called out. "And the Claptrap?" Huh? Oh, right.

"Blake!" I called into my echo device, scrolling to the contact I knew by heart.

"Yes, sir?" He responded dignified, within a moment's notice.

"There's a Claptrap back by the East Fast Travel. Bring him to my Office, I wanna do some… experimenting." Ah, God damnit, did that come off as sexual. "Make some improvements."

"Of course, sir." Blake obeys without question. That's a good stooge.

You know what they say, behind every great man, is a faithful servant, ready and willing to do his master's bidding. Palpatine had Vader, Lex Luthor had Mercy Graves, and Batman had Alfred. See! Heroes do it too.

"John!" Tassiter screeches, outraged and scandalized. What a prude. "You know damn well that the modification of any and all Hyperion equipment is forbidden, and punishable by-"

"Blow it out your ass, Tass." I dismiss with a roll of my eyes. "He was technically Dahl's when I found him. Besides, I'll get the whole thing cleared up with De Quidt, obviously." Well, I will now.

"You think you can simply excuse yourself from our regulations on a board member's approval." Tassiter seethed angrily. "That is not how this works, John. We have rules. Principals! If we allowed our employees to simply act however they wanted, we'd be even more incompetent than Tediore."

"Cool story, bro." In my old life, that phrase sadly went out of style, which really sucks because it completely captures what I wanted to say to boring people who wouldn't shut up. But here it's all hot and fresh, so I get to say it as much as I want!

Sometimes, I have to say it more than I want.

I mean really, how hard is it to get that I'm not interested in your dull, going nowhere story! Take me to where the action is! Not these empty paragraphs about nothing that serve mostly as filler. Am I right?

Shut up, I know I am.

...​

Mordecai wasn't a hard man to get along with.

He wasn't demanding, he wasn't bossy, and he wasn't bitchy. He went with the flow, most of the time. You don't make it this far in life, without accepting that some things are just out of your control.

But for some reason, he never thought he'd have to worry about 'lack of control' from a car.

"What the hell is going on up there?!" Mordecai shouted over the roar of screeching tires, and the far more literal roar of the two ton, King Kong sized rhino. As far as monster movies go, he'd give it a B-

But given that he's now living it (and who knew that those massive feet with their massive stomps could cause miniature ground quakes) he'd rate it an A+, easy. Because this is literally the most terrifying thing he's ever done.

And he once jumped off a cliff to impale a different, slightly smaller, way more ferocious animal.

Which also happened under the command of the red headed Siren, that Jack yet again left in charge. Mordecai might be crazy, a common symptom from prolonged exposure to Pandora, but if he had to guess, there might be a pattern there.

He points that out to Lilith, who was less than pleased with the criticism. "Shoot first, bitch later, Mordecai!"

He is not bitchy, he thought he made that very clear. Just deeply, truly concerned. And terrified. Mostly terrified. "I can multitask!" Mordecai decides to argue back, childishly.

In truth, it's probably not Lilith's fault that they're fighting the love child of Satan and Pandora, but she's the boss now. And by now, it's practically instinctual for him to challenge authority. To her credit, she does make a pretty good point about the timing.

So, he decides to shoot a few rounds with his Sniper.

It wasn't super effective. Or a little effective. In fact, it did nothing. Except waste ammunition. Oops.

"Shoot at its eyes!" Roland commanded, manning a second turret (when did Jack get that installed?) and firing at its feet. "They're an Achilles heel!"

"Pretty sure heels are below the legs, Roland!" They can't see it under his goggles, but his eyes were rolling. Idiots. "In case you haven't noticed, it's eyes are on its face."

Lilith groaned loudly, and it took him a second to realize she wasn't doing it out of pain. "It means weak spot, dumbass!"

Oh. Right, he totally knew that.

Except for the part where its eyes are supposed to be the weak link because that's bullshit. "It has four eyes made of pearls. How is that supposed to be a weak point?!"

"Do you have any better ideas?!" Lilith screamed back, steering them around in circles frantically. And he thought Jack was a bad driver.

"OOH! I got an idea! I got one!" Brick cheered, still happily firing into the sides of the behemoth. "We can hit it until it dies-"

"No!"

The resounding disapproval brought a small pout to his face. "Jeez. I was just trying to help."

Great. Now Mordecai feels a little bad.

Maybe he just needs to try a little positive reinforcement. "It wasn't a bad idea, amigo. But that thing is a bit too big for the tried and true approach. We're gonna need something more concrete, okay?"

Brick frowned. "Okay. But where are we going to find concrete out here?"

Fuck it, he tried.

"Just." Mordecai sighed dismayed. "Just keep shooting it."

"Okay!"

Guess he should do the same. Aiming at an eye, which even despite the size, it's still extremely far away, and factoring for every bump, turn, and screech of the Technical doesn't make it an easy shot.

But he shoots it anyway. Because Mordecai is a certified badass. You can check, it's on his license.

It doesn't fall, the Rakk Hive doesn't even look affected, unless you count aggravated or annoyed as 'affected'. So, he shoots it again. And again. This time, cracks start to appear, and it's noticeably much more pissed off.

The next shot shatters it's pearl eye.

It releases an inhuman (obviously) cry, that straightens the hairs on Mordecai's back. Well, one eye down. Three more to go.

So, repeating the age old process of hit and run (mostly the run part) he takes out another eye, and now it's down to two. Just like the rest of the mammals. Personally, given how well he's done with just two eyes, he still doesn't like those odds.

Mordecai was unfortunately proven right, when it was still very capable of both seeing them and charging them. It was at that moment when the found out the Technical was not built for speed. "Lil', go faster!"

"I'm going as fast as I can! You shoot faster!" Lilith may have put on an annoyed front, but the panic in her voice betrayed that she was just as alarmed as he was. Which did not improve his confidence.

He shot faster. Most of the rounds actually missed, but he did manage to take out the last eye on the left. The one on the right still remained, and it zeroed it's glare on Mordecai specifically.

You remember how before, he said that fighting this thing was the most terrifying thing he's ever done? He's gonna have to take that back. Being on top of a Rakk Hive's shit list is way scarier.

The Rakk Hive also wisened up to the fact that they small ape-like creatures were trying to blind it. It took losing seventy-five percent of its eyes to catch on to that, but hey, better late than never. Especially when it learned to move its last remaining eye away from that direction.

This caused an unintended side effect, of literally charging in blind.

Like, it went the wrong way. Mordecai was honestly a little dumbfounded. "Uh, Lil', it's just kinda leaving. Can we go?"

"No." Lilith answered, just as shocked, but way more pessimistic. "It still has the Vault Key fragment. It's the whole reason we came here."

"Right, right." Mordecai mumbled, still looking at the direction the Rakk Hive went after, dust blazing behind it. "So, what do we…?"

"We're going after it." Lilith said resolutely. "Roland, Brick, see if you can find a bigger gun on this thing. It's not going down without a fight."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Okay, boss!"

Mordecai wasn't sure how, but he was pretty sure that this was all Jack's fault.

...​

Tassiter hated John.

Well, no actually, hate isn't the right word. As a child, he learnt that hate was a very strong word. It was a word he shouldn't use to describe anything let alone people, because that could greatly hurt someone's feelings.

Then that child grew up into a very bitter man, and that man learned that he hated everything. What was once a dislike, or an ill preference, became something he despised, something he could not stand the sight of. So naturally, hate became a very common word in his repertoire.

Tassiter hated people pleasers, he hated employees with sob stories, he hated his job (despite how well it pays), he hated puppies, and kittens, and rainbows. He also hated politics, but in his defense, who doesn't?

So, no. Hate isn't nearly strong enough to describe his view of John.

Tassiter loathed John.

He abhorred the man, he despised him with his every ounce of being. And Tassiter was certain the feeling was mutual. Why else would John try so desperately to make his life unbearable. Working with former Dahl employees and products to fight Atlas in a bid for a planet that Tassiter wouldn't send his worst enemy to?

Well… no he wouldn't. After all, John wanted to go to Pandora.

"Pandora is a goldmine." John insisted to the board, who were actually listening to his preposterous dribble. "Hell, it's better than a goldmine! Once we crack that Vault open-"

"If you can." Tassiter interrupted the fool's pitiful defense. "You have one team, with less numbers than I can count on my hand. Atlas has sent an army. Dahl has sent a legion. Both have failed to tame the world. What makes you think you can do what they couldn't?"

"Atas opened one Vault, once." John glared at him. "It made them rich beyond their wildest imagination, and they were only able to do it with the help of some Pandoran nobody-native. I have four Vault Hunters, a scientific expert whose studied the Vault and the Eridians intensively. I can do this."

"Agreed." Maxim fucking Turner, allows with his chilling Cheshire grin. "Jack has time and again proven himself quite capable. From what he's told us, he's almost completely rebuilt the Vault Key already. Soon, our company will soar to heights not seen since the rise of Atlas."

Alma Harren nodded along, and inside Tassiter's rage kept growing. "Will you need additional forces? Atlas already has a foothold, it may be prudent of us to strike before they can regroup and deploy re-enforcements."

"Appreciated, but I got it handled." John waves away the generous offer, as if he were simply offered a lozenge. "The Vault Hunters I hired are exceptionally good at killing bad guys."

"Funding?" De Quidt briefly inquires, his eyes and true focus, still on his Echo. Whether the man was playing some asinine mobile game or providing an actually useful service to the company was a mystery all on its own.

"Nope." Informal, disrespectful John assures. "I'll be paying for this all out of pocket."

"Well then, Jack, I believe I speak for all of us when I say we salute you." Turner did not speak for all of them. Didn't stop the bastard from shaking John's hand like a president would for a public hero. "Take Pandora, Jack. Make us proud!"

"You got it, boss." John smirked, he smirked at him.

All this aggression is going to be hell on his blood pressure.

Tassiter didn't remember leaving the room. In fact, all he could recall was that his blood was running hot, his vision was coming up red, and when he came out of it, he was surrounded by three dead Claptraps.

Not surprising. He was never particularly fond of the things, and in his current mood, well.

Tassiter's a little surprised he didn't kill more.

Not that it would have truly mattered if he did. Claptrap lives were as meaningless as they were useless. For the life of him, he couldn't begin to understand why John brought one with him.

Wait. John did bring one back, didn't he? How curious.

Perhaps it was time for Harold Tassiter to do a little experimenting of his own.

...​

And CUT!

I just realized how well that goes with my last line about 'experimenting', don't you love it when moments like these just happen? It feels like the stars align to bring you to this moment.

Or, you know, it could be the semi outline a poor inexperienced Author is forming.

My moneys on the first one, though.

Once again, be sure to check me out on FFN and SB, or Patreon, if you want to read ahead, link below!

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[Mad King Kevin]

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[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 20 It's All Coming Together

Roland was a soldier, at least where it counted.

Sure, it may not be a part of the Crimson Lance anymore, in fact, Atlas might even charge him with desertion. Maybe even treason if they ever found out that he killed his last CO. Although, in his defense, the man deserved it.

Even still, he could never leave the military lifestyle he'd grown to accept, behind him. You can take the man out of the fight, but you can't take the fight out of the man. Or the rigorous training, psychological conditioning, and overall respect for those in a position of authority.

"Don't we have any bigger guns?!" His latest 'boss', however, was changing his perspective on the chain of command. Roland would almost be impressed, if he wasn't completely certain, that Lilith was doing it entirely by accident.

"If we had one, we would be using it." Roland answered dryly.

"Come on, man! Didn't Jack have something cool installed? You're out gunner! You should know this stuff!" Mordecai unhelpfully argued.

Roland rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should call him and ask."

"Okay!" Brick happily agreed, pausing from the firefight (why?!) to actually contact Jack via echo. "Hello? Boss, you there?"

"Uh, Jack's a little busy at the moment." The 'assistant' from before, Angel if he remembers correctly, informed them. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Lilith yanked the echo out of Brick's hands, much to the big man's complaints, nearly swerving the Technical dangerously onto its side. "Nope! Everything's fine! We've got it completely under control!"

What?

"Are you sure?" Even Angel was skeptical, rightfully so. "It's no trouble, really. Honestly, I'd be happy to assist."

"Yup!" Lilith steered away again, almost throwing Roland off of his turret. "Thanks, but we're good. Right guys?"

"Are you out of your mind, Lil?!" Mordecai voiced what they were all thinking. Well, close to it anyways. Personally, Roland was thinking the situation's gone FUBAR. And Brick was probably thinking…

Well, who knows? Probably something about guns or explosions. He's simple like that.

"I said we're totally fine, aren't we guys?"

"No! Haven't you been listening?! We need- mpph!" A purple glow briefly flashed, and suddenly Mordecai had a sock in his mouth. That is… very unhygienic.

"Situation…" Roland sighed. "Normal. Lilith is correct, everything is under control."

"I don't know." Brick shrugged. "I still think we could use a hand-" Well, if Lilith's using her own socks, then this might be okay for Roland. He sincerely doubted she brought any more than two.

"I see." Angel hesitated. "Then I suppose I shall leave you to it. Good luck, Vault Hunters."

The echo disconnected about the same time Mordecai got the sock out of his mouth. "Lil, what the hell are you doing?! We need Jack's help!"

"No, we don't!" Lilith shot back, annoyed. "We don't need him for everything, okay? We can do this on our own."

Brick already threw the sock that was in his mouth out of the Technical, to Lilith's dismay. Serves her right for using her only pair. "Come on, girl. What's this really about?"

Lilith continued to sputter out denials, while Roland subtly called Angel on his own device. This is the closest he's ever come to insubordination. Recently, anyway. "Angel." He spoke in a lone tone that was definitely lost to the others over the sound of gunfire and their own arguments.

And the Rakk Hive's stampede. That probably covered it up the most.

"Yes, Roland? Is something wrong?" Perceptive. Well, perhaps that's a generous term in this case. A blind man could see that something was clearly wrong here.

"Current artillery is insufficient in overpowering the target." He relayed quietly, his eyes glancing back and forth from his team and the Rakk Hive. "We're going to need something with more efficient firepower. What else has Jack installed into the Technical?"

"Hold on." Is she… is she putting him on hold? "Okay, the forms are coming up… now. I can see he had something registered with Scooter for the car, if details an ample amount of force, though I can't quite see the name. It's listed as a BFG? Does that help?"

"It might. Do you know how to deploy it?"

"Yes, repeat after me. Ahem, Optimus Prime Directive: Activate Weapons Protocol 3.0."

So, Roland did. Then his turret shifted back inside the Technical, folding under the plates of the car, and nearly throwing him out of the vehicle. Again. Jack should have seriously prioritized this thing's safety features.

"Woah!" Lilith was much more vocal at the sudden loss of their main weapons. "Where are the guns? What did you guys just do?!"

"I didn't do anything." Mordecai defended himself, Bloodwing cawing in indignation. "Not like that, Blood. I meant that all I was doing was trying to kill the big ugly monster chasing us!"

"I was also shooting at it." Brick solemnly agreed, turning back to the group wistfully.

"Oh, cool. So, it's nobody's fault. Awesome, glad we got that cleared up. Except, you know, our guns are gone! How the hell are we supposed to kill it?!" Lilith did make a fair point, Roland was wondering about that himself.

"Angel…" If the first worried tone he ever used gave away the enormous amount of stress he was feeling at the moment, no one said a word. "Where's the BFG?"

Also, what exactly is a BFG. Roland's pretty sure he's never heard of that abbreviation before.

"It should be-" Angel is cut off, by an almost orbital sized cannon, forming itself out of the plates of the car, and pieces of their engine (how does this even make sense?!). And asserting itself in the bed of the truck. Forcing poor Mordecai to scramble into the backseat, while Bloodwing flies off to Lilith's shoulder. "There." She finished, almost smugly.

Roland nodded, while the others were still staring in shock, and muttering in awe. "That'll do."

...​

"Alright, just stay still." Stupid Claptraps and their stupid processors, and these stupid fricking tools. How am I supposed to do anything under these conditions?! No. No, Jack. Calm down and breathe. Nice slow, calming breaths. Sigh.

I didn't mean that. I love my tools, and I should have never called them stupid.

They're cheap, they're useful, they do what I tell them, without complaint, and they always get the job done. They are by far the best friends a good craftsman can have. They're just… working under frustrating conditions. I'm working under frustrating conditions.

Believe me, I would love to just unload all this tinkering onto one of my poor, unfortunate interns. Thing is, there's no one here I can trust to do it, or at least to do it right. People aren't as easy to use as tools.

So, I'm left with doing the job myself. Not that Claptrap's making it easy on me.

I think he's doing the robot equivalent of sleep-walking, or sleep-rolling, I guess. I strapped him down, but he is surprisingly maneuverable. Frickin clanker. Actually, I'm not really sure that derogatory works here.

In the Clone Wars, that's what they called droids, because they're metal feet were loud, and kind of clanked on their own ships. But Claptrap doesn't have feet. I'd make a joke about him being a 'roller' or whatever, but honestly, I'm a little sick of the gag.

We get it, he has a wheel instead of legs.

I'm tempted to just give him legs out of spite. But, I'll settle for giving him a working stair-capable wheel upgrade. Because the second we get to a slightly more elevated platform that doesn't have a ramp, he loses any and all usefulness.

I am gonna try to keep that door opening protocol working.

It came in pretty handy a few times over the games. Mostly for breaking into Hyperion doors, but still. Besides, you never know when you might need to stage a Corporate takeover. Or a literal takeover, considering how willing Tasiter is to bow out when I start to run this joint.

It never hurts to have backup plans.

"Aghh! Stay away you skags!" Great, Claptrap's having night terrors again. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I mean, I get that for some reason he has a subconscious, but how in the hell does he have dreams? Isn't that a human phenomenon?

Or just, sentient animal life in general? I don't get Artificial lifeforms.

In fact, most of the time I find their personalities are annoying, and their existential questions are majorly unsettling. Why can't I make someone cool like Cortana? Or GLaDOS?

Ooh! I'm gonna save that idea for later.

Wonder if I should give her access to deadly neurotoxin?... No! That's a bad Jack thought! I can't let her kill people just because it might be funny. Unless it's really funny, and they really deserve it- aggh!

At some point, I should really go through some therapy to cope with all of the old Jack's homicidal impulses. Like, it's on my agenda. I'm just trying to hold it off for a bit, maybe wait for their service fees to plummet.

It might be a while, because I'm definitely going to have hire scores of them to even try making Pandora a more civilized, or at least, less trigger happy planet.

"Okay, at least we got the wheel upgrade installed." I muttered to myself happily, my hands practically blurring from the bot to the workbench, as I corrected the many, many flaws in Claptrap's design.

The Vault Hunter Exe. Package is still gonna be a while off. I got the original squad's skills and talents at the ready, but I want to get the other, future Vault Hunters abilities in the set, before I upload anything.

And I really don't want to miss fucking up the long term memory storage, in case I ever need him to go R2D2, and send out a 'you're my only hope' message. Like I said, it never hurts to have backup plans.

I noticed some malfunction with the short term memory storage, actually, when I was digging around in there. Which… explains a lot.

Huh.

Maybe I should go easier on the guy?

Nah.

"Dad." Turning around, I smiled widely and pulled my little girl into a hug that she half-heartedly protested. "Stop!"

"Nope." I squeezed her extra hard, before eventually releasing her, her face flushed red in embarrassment. "So, kiddo. Want to tell me why that's here." I emphasize, with an angrily pointed finger at the bound and unconscious Claptrap.

That'd be really weird if he wasn't a robot.

"You shouldn't point at people." Angel responded with crossed arms. "It's not polite."

"First of all, Claptrap aren't people, they're mistakes." I counted on the first finger, before moving to the second and third. "Secondly, I'm the parent here, and I say pointing fingers is okay! As long as I'm the one doing it. And thirdly, don't deflect. Seriously, Angel, why, just why?"

My daughter raised an eyebrow, unsympathetically, while continuing to stare me down. I'm so proud. "Would you rather we left him on Pandora? Would you rather let Atlas have full access to his memory hardwire, so they know exactly what we've done, and what we're still planning to do, added to the fact that now you're not technically there to do it?"

I was completely speechless. Save for three words. "But… it's Claptrap."

I didn't say they were clever words.

Angel rolled her eyes. Now who's impolite? "I'm aware."

"Couldn't you have, I don't know, send him somewhere else? Somewhere far, and distant, where he can't bother anyone. Like space! That way no one could hear him." I felt that was a very fair, and just argument, but Angel looked at me disapprovingly.

"Dad…"

"I mean, I guess we still could chuck him out an airlock."

"Dad."

"No, you're right, I've already invested this much time into reprograming him, and kinking out some of the design flaws. It'd be a waste to throw him away now. Let me just finish some of the new features, like the stealth/invisibility protocols, and this mute button idea I thought of."

"Dad!"

"What? I was just kidding." No, I wasn't. Sigh. And it was such a good idea too. "So, progress report, and no, I don't mean your grades, relax. What's up with the Vault Hunters? Did they get the last fragment yet?"

Angel gave me a frown at the mention of her grades, which for the record are way better than what I had in High School, and I was a straight A student. "Not yet, but the Rakk Hive is on its last legs. I expect they'll be done soon."

"That's what I like to hear!" I cheered with a celebratory fist pump, for special occasions only. "Come on, let's get the Fast Travel ready to beam them up."

"Alright." We walked side by side, father and daughter, the whole dynamic duo shtick. A bit overdone, but when in doubt go with the classics. "Dad, why were you experimenting on Claptrap?"

Oh boy.

"For science…?"

"Dad!"

"You never let me have any fun." I pouted, bumping her shoulder childishly, which she happily returned.

...​

Lilith was panting hard, could you blame her?

She was stuck in a car, driving at literal breakneck speeds, with three very clearly unbathed men, in the burning hot sun, in the desert. All while trying to stay ahead of a monster, that might've been the inspiration for the 'Goliath' of the Bible. If it didn't happen to be native to a planet, known for trying to kill its inhabitants.

So yeah, she was breathing a lot, and pretty heavily at that. Sue her, if you got such a problem with it. Preferably, after they kill the Rakk Hive.

"Roland!" Lilith snapped, frustration finally beating exhaustion, in the fight for her breath. "Will you just shoot it already!"

"It's still charging." And damn him for saying that so coolly, as if he wasn't bothered by the heat at all. If there was one thing, (there's more than one) that Lilith missed about Jack, it's that he never hid how he was really feeling.

"I don't care!" Lilith reminded him, indignantly. "It's already gonna kill him! Why are you trying to waste the battery?!"

"Because if it doesn't," Roland carries on, unintimidated. "If it survives the blast, we'd have to shoot it again. Angel forwarded the data on the BFG to me. It's effective, but it overheats after every fire. The cooldown process would take too long for us to recharge, so we have to take it out on the first and only shot. So, let it charge."

That's… fair.

Actually, she's a little jealous. Roland just kind of exudes badassery. He's probably the textbook definition of stoic. And aloof. Definitely disciplined. Super serious. Possibly a perfectionist. Or overdramatic?

Nah.

He is pretty uptight though. A state of being, that sadly, almost no amount of epicness can cure.

Such a pity.

"Well… charge faster." Lilith's order sounded weak, even to her own ears, but Roland nodded along, nonetheless. It's probably something to do with all that soldier boy, military jargon. Maybe she could do something to help with that?

How does one go about unbrainwashing someone, who's been brainwashed into being disciplined…? TV? Lilith's parents always said it would have the opposite kind of effect, so it definitely seems worth a try.

"Roland, seriously man! We don't have time for this!" Mordecai shouts back worriedly. She could see why. An empty clip is a sniper's worst nightmare. Being chased by a massive, terrifying, beast, that has a vendetta against said sniper, probably didn't help.

Go figure.

"Make time." Roland stubbornly refuses. "It's almost ready."

Brick shrugged, and throwed the first thing he could grab at the Rakk Hive… her shoes. Lilith knew she shouldn't have taken those off. What's really bad is that she didn't bring a spare set. Now she's gonna have to trek the rest of this desert/jungle/tundra planet barefoot. Not fun.

Its stomps were actually starting to shake the Technical and given that it was close enough for her to smell it's rancid, corpse like breath, she had a feeling they were out of time. "Roland."

"Brace yourselves!" He reared back, and good thing he warned them, because the second he fired, the whole car stalled. Considering that they were going over two hundred miles per hour the second before that, it was a miracle the car wasn't completely totaled.

She'd have to give Jack credit for the safety features, they were very thorough.

When she looked up again, she could barely see anything over the rising dust cloud. But what she could make out, was the very big, very dead body of the Rakk Hive.

How does she know it's dead, you may be wondering?

On her part, it's a little assumed. But in all fairness, missing a head, via laser decapitation (or obliteration, in this particular case) seems like it would kill just about anything. "Hey, Roland…"

"Yes?"

"I think you could have fired it sooner."

"Hmmph."

...​

Commandant Steele was not a patient woman.

She most certainly was not a merciful one. What she was, was effective. Intelligent, cunning, the perfect warrior, the perfect leader. Even without her powers, she would have easily excelled in the Atlas military. It's why they made her an officer, put others under her command, entrusted her with this mission. With Pandora.

She would not fail because some Hyperion лакей in a mask, tried to make a power grab for a planet he knew nothing about, with the aid of one of Dahl's many rejects. Atlas was far superior to both of these pretender corporations combined.

Steele refused to be beaten by their refuge. Even if she had to get her hands dirty.

Though, to be completely honest, she enjoyed that part rather much.

"Where is she?" She questions with a sneer, standing triumphantly and viciously over the petty little tyrant, the self-acclaimed 'bandit baron'. Peh. What need does trash have for titles?

"W-what?" 'Baron' Flynt stuttered, crawling away from her while his home burned. "W-who the hell are you talking about?!"

Steele spat at the bandit, grabbing his left leg to end his fruitless retreat. "Dr. Patricia Tannis. You know where she is. Tell me." This time she twisted the leg, bending it quite unnaturally without breaking it. There would be time for that.

"T-Tanis." Baron gasped incredulously, with a hint of hysteria. "How should I know?"

She twisted the leg back further, and he screamed. "Do not lie to me. The people of Haven have pointed you out specifically. They tell me that you are working directly under her, that they heard it from the mouth of Tannis herself."

"Tannis is the liar." Baron continued pleading, anger creeping into his voice. "Before all of this, I was just a warden, I didn't have anything to do with all that science crap, I swear! I have no idea where she is!"

"What." Steele did not release her grip, but she didn't push back further either. Too lost in thought.

A lie. A trick. A decoy. Of course. She should have suspected nothing less.

While she's been massacring bandits, her enemies have gained the upper hand, again. She really should have seen this coming. That just makes her angrier.

"Then I suppose I have no use for you." She glared down at the only immediate person capable of feeling her ire.

"Wait, wait!" Baron waved his hands frantically. "You don't want to kill me. I-I can find her."

Intriguing. "How?"

"I worked at Dahl as a warden, remember? I know all the channels! I can check the radios, maybe she'll let something slip, o-or we could track her signal." He added, as she increased the pressure.

Steele frowned. It was a pitiful lead, but with Tannis's lab empty, and the Doctor herself mysteriously vanishing into thin air, it was the only one she had had. "Very well. But know this, if you're lying, I'll break the other one before I kill you."

"The other wha-ARRGGHH!" Baron Flynt cut himself off with a scream, as he gingerly clutched his now broken leg.

She felt better about this already.

...​

Tch, tch, tch. You see what happens when baddies go offscreen for a little bit?

Murder rampage. Every time.

Anyways, thank you all for tuning into today's chapter, I apologize if it's a little later than usual, but I was writing another chapter, and lost track of time.

You know the drill though, if you want to read ahead, check me out at FFN, or my Patreon. Link below:

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[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 21 Reunited And It Feels So Good

"Do you guys see it?" Seriously, it shouldn't be this hard to find. Like, it glows.

Although, in hindsight, maybe they should have guessed it would have been harder to search a football field sized corpse. What could she say? She wasn't really thinking that far ahead. Her priority was to kill the Rakk Hive, preferably without getting killed by said Rakk Hive.

Maybe she should come up with better plans. Or stop making them.

Things were going pretty well when she was working under Jack. Wait. Not like that. Bad thoughts, Lilith. He's your boss. This is why your relationships never last. Just take this slow. Play it cool. Be smooth, suave, sexy…

Or something like that. What did the cosmo say again? Not that she reads those!

It was just… on the table. She was bored. That's her story, and she's sticking to it.

"Found it!" Mordecai exclaimed, lifting up a stone victoriously. A stone. "Wait. Nevermind, it's just a rock." What is even the point of wearing those weird google things, if they don't even improve your eyesight.

Lilith facepalmed again, for the fourth time today. And immediately regretted it, because her hands were still sticky and wet from monster guts, and now that stuff is smeared all over her face. Awesome.

Why was she even searching for it inside the body?! For all she knew, the Rakk Hive could have been wearing it like an accessory, like a necklace or an earring. Oh God, somebody please tell her they didn't incinerate/disintegrate it along with the head.

No, no, no! What if that did happen?

Is that even possible? Aren't these Vault Key fragment whatevers supposed to be super tough? Then again, if they are supposed to be tough, then why are they in pieces in the first place? This line of thinking is not bringing down her stress.

Just gotta keep searching. Can't stress out if you're too busy working, right? Unless the work is what's stressing you out. Then you're just going through an endless loop of stress, and the only relief is the sweet release of dea-

"Hey guys, I got it!" Brick cheered, lifting up the real fragment. And just like that, the weight on her shoulder just loosened up immensely.

If Brick wasn't more muscle than man, and if she wasn't terribly clumsy at relationships/touchy feely moments (like really bad), and if they both weren't covered in blood and intestines, she would totally kiss him. Probably. Or maybe not. Like she said, she isn't great with this stuff.

Lilith would definitely hug him, though. If he wasn't covered in monster guts. She'll stop now.

Lilith whispered a prayer of thanks, and turned back to Roland, cocky grin restored. "I told you we'd find it. Call Jack and give him the good word."

Roland nodded his head, and shifted his neck slightly, a sign that he was a touch annoyed. All that 'thousand-yard' staring has given him a severe case of permanent straight face. So, they really had to rely on those subtle signs of body language to tell how he was really feeling.

Admittedly, she wasn't the best person to translate that stuff, but she's known him long enough to know his annoyed 'face' by now. Roland was annoyed a lot, so it wasn't exactly hard to figure out, but still.

"Angel." Roland started speaking into his echo. Lilith was pretty sure that she told him to call Jack, but whatever, that's cool. It's not like she's in charge or anything. "We have the last fragment. We need to rendezvous with Jack, and reassemble the Key. How soon can he be available?"

"Very." A rouge, charming, masculine voice, that was noticeably not Angel answered in reply. "I'm sending you coordinates to the nearest Fast Travel, get there ASAP, and we can meet up here. Tannis's old lab was ransacked a couple of hours after we left, so Pandora's probably gonna be a little too hot for a while. Oh, and Roland?"

"Yes, sir?" Look at that. So respectful. Does Lilith need to remind him they aren't military?

"Angel is not my secretary. M'kay? I know that she's filled in for me a few times when I was busy, because she's awesome. But that does not make her the go between for you and me. She is very busy. She doesn't have the time to help you guys with every little problem, but she's too nice to say no, so I'm doing it for her. Are we clear?" Jack concluded sternly.

Wow. Lilith feels like she just caught second hand scolding from her dad. Brutal.

Roland clearly felt the same because he twisted on his feet a smidge. Body language, remember? "Ahem. Yes, sir. I understand."

"Coolsies." And now the 'fun' Jack is back. Ha. Jack is back, that rhymes. "Don't keep us waiting, as soon as Tannis gets that key patched up, we're opening the Vault. Oh, and make sure the BFG is recharged on the drive over, we're gonna need it to fight the Destroyer."

Right. The 'Destroyer'. The illustrious mega monster that Jack warned them about. Yup, she was really worried about that thing. Or she would be. If it existed.

And yeah, maybe she should be a little less skeptical about this. After all, Jack seemed to believe it, he wasn't an idiot. Also given some very recent experiences, she didn't object to the fact that there are massive, terrifying beings out there in the world. Especially this world.

But that doesn't mean that the 'Destroyer' is actually as bad as the name implies. Plus, Destroyer, really? It just feels like a really cheesy, very uncreative name. Personally, she would have called it something awesome like the Warrior, or Firehawk.

Ooh! She liked that one. Lilith's gonna have to remember it.

"We'll start heading to the coordinates now." Roland spoke again, nodding to the group as he started walking back to the car. "Is there anything else we can-"

"That should be fine." Jack interrupted him, as the sounds of crashing broke through the transmission. "Frickin Claptrap! Just stay still- Okay, listen guys, I hate to cut you off like this, but I got to handle something right now, so we can pick up on this when you get here. Kay? Love ya, buh-bye."

Lilith raised an eyebrow, while Brick smiled. "Love you too, boss!" He joyfully responded.

That was… she's not gonna look into that right now. "What was that about?" Lilith distractedly asked, referencing the crashing and the Claptraps, somehow completely unsurprised that the two were correlated.

She shared a look with Mordecai about it, as he was the closest to a sane person in the current group, aside from her, of course. At least, she thought they shared a look. Stupid goggles, preventing direct eye contact like that.

He wasn't even pulling them off. Just like he wasn't pulling off that weird ski mask thing (they are in the desert, what is he thinking?!). Or his beard. Don't get her wrong, beards can be cool, just look at Santa and Jesus. But a beard without a mustache?

There's just something off about that. Get it?

Because his beard has no mustache, so it's like the mustache is… off. You know what, forget it. The joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.

"Hey!" Roland called out from the driver's seat, looking at them all sternly. When did he even get there. "Let's go."

Lilith shrugged. She's sure Jack could take care of whatever it was until they got there.

...​

"No! Put that down now, and- Hey! What did I say about dancing?!" I roared at the maniacal, mechanical monstrosity. What have I done?

"But Mr. Jack! I gotta! It's in my blood." Claptrap begged, while walking like an Egyptian, sans the legs. This reprogramming stuff is going a lot more challenging than I thought it would.

"One: I don't care. Two: You don't have blood. At best, you have oil. Three: I don't care. Four: I told you to never, ever engage in any form of dance protocols outside of battle!" It's the only compromise I would allow. Besides, he was unsurprisingly effective at wrecking people and things while dancing. It really makes the most sense.

"But-"

"And five: Initiate Morpheus Protocol. Begin sleep mode."

"Okay!" Clank.

I am so happy I made that virus.

But now I have to lug him out of my lab again. Great. Unless…

"Intern!" I called upon the darkest arts, to summon the lowliest of creatures. A being forced to obey my every command, with nothing to receive in turn, save for 'experience' and 'references'. Which in other words, is completely nothing.

"My name is Paul…" The intern said in a way of greeting. He does that a lot, it must be a cultural thing.

"Intern." I addressed the intern, who might be having problems with his vision, given that his eyes are rolling. "Move this thing back into the open access labs. But make sure everyone knows, I'm working on him. I'm not tossing him out." Yet. "I just need to clear up some space while I work on something more important."

"Well, uh, what're you working on?" The intern snooped. Awe, adorable. He doesn't even have a company ID, and he's already trying to play with the big boys.

"Yeah, nice try." I laughed, in a 'you're stupid' kind of way. "Even if we did give you guys wages, this would still be leagues above your paygrade. Now, less chit chat, more manual labor. Okay, pumpkin?"

"Yes, sir." The intern dishearteningly answered. He grunted away as he carted the one wheeled wonder out of the lab. If he scratched my floors, I swear I'll-

Hmm. What could I do? He doesn't make any money, so it's not like I can cut his salary. Can you even fire someone who works for free? I'll think of something- I'll finish working on the Vault Key with Tannis, then I'll figure this out.

Gotta keep those priorities in check. Overclocking the franchise's number two mascot can wait.

"Jack." Tannis greeted in a surprisingly sane way, as she entered the lab. I guess being around other people helped revitalize her social skills. "Dare I inquire why there is a hint of endorphins, as well as an overabundance of testosterone in the air." Nevermind.

For those of you who don't quite grasp the whole science lingo, she just asked why it smells like tears and frustration in here. Which for one, rude. And for two… my work is a little demanding, and sometimes I get a little emotional. No further comments, I plead the fifth.

"You could dare." I noted. "Or you can shut up and help me fix the Vault Key."

Rather than being offended, Tannis's eyes lit up in excitement, and a little bit in madness. "You have the last fragment?"

"The Vault Hunters have the last fragment." I corrected, crossing my arms a little smugly. "But they'll be here soon. Guess hiring them wasn't such a dumb idea after all, huh?!" I directed that last bit at the camera, facing it with a smirk, as I was one hundred and twenty percent sure that Tassiter was hacking into my security system. Again.

Tannis looked surprised at me again, before rather unexpectedly hugging me. Then she quickly pulled away and patted herself down. Really? This is the woman that would one day climb into the intestines of an alien creature for warmth, Hoth style, and she was afraid of the old Jack-germs?

They aren't even bad for you. In fact, they've done wonder for me. Also, what was with the hug again? I know I'm being cool about it, but that was really weird.

She smiled, and it was one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life. It held a glint of relief, empathy, and joy. So terrifying. "Truly, my associate, no, my dearest friend," Oh, I alreadyhate this, please stop. "I thought myself the only one enlightened enough to see past the physical exterior and connect with the being that hides behind."

What is she talking about?! I'm as worried as I am confused!

"But you can see it too! You can see the spirit that binds itself within these so called 'animate objects'." What? Oh, the camera thing! I gotta set this straight, now. "I haven't felt this close to someone since my fallout out with Echo Recorder!"

Sheesh. I really don't want to open that can of worms. Should I start hiring those therapists I was talking about, now?

"Look, Doc-" I was cut off by the wsssh of the door opening (I love my new door. I'll never have to pull or push something open ever again!) and the classic superhero entrance of Pandora's four biggest badasses. Well, it's classic if superheroes enter the room casually, and are covered in alien blood.

Do Men in Black count as superheroes?

"Jack." Lilith smiles brightly, it practically shined compared to the dirt and grime that coated them. "We got it." She lifts up the key in one hand victoriously, as it glowed purple proudly. I am gonna be so peeved if she pulls a Starlord and drops it right in front of me.

She doesn't. Lilith hands it to me, and I feel like whimpering in relief. Not shouting. It's more like, you know how you're not sure that you'll be able to do something, but one day, you go farther than you've ever gone before?

You'd think you feel excited, and you do, a little. But mostly, you feel anxious, worried. This is the closest you've ever come, what happens if you trip up now, when you're so close to winning. But then, somehow, you don't mess up, you keep calm, or as calm as you can, and push through.

You push through the pain, the sweat, the tears, and the shaking limbs, and by the time you're done you feel like crying. And in that moment you collapse, overjoyed, because you just did the impossible. Even after everyone doubted, even after you doubted. You did it.

Miraculous, I didn't drop it. It's quite the feet when you're holding it in shaking hands, and slightly sweaty palms.

I hand it off to Tannis, before it slips. Thankfully (but mostly oddly) she didn't seem to mind the sweat, holding it close and reverently. I turn my head back to the others, and give them a cocky smile, that I hope wasn't betrayed by my obviously recovering-tense body language.

"Great job, kiddos!" I really hope that didn't come off as condescending. Most of the time it isn't, but I have one of those kinds of voices, now. You know? The ones that sound pretentious and snarky? That's me. "I never doubted you."

Which was completely true. Because I knew the canonical future. Otherwise, I'd be an even bigger wreck of relief right about now.

Just… I need a second to breathe. Honestly, I'm about to start crying tears of joy. Why is all of my work so emotional?!

...​

Patricia Tannis admired her emotionally charged, and surprisingly sensitive, tentative friend, for all of five seconds. Or perhaps it was five minutes? Whichever was the least socially awkward, she was sure.

Admittedly, she was a bit distracted herself.

In the palm of her hands, she had the last piece required to reform the Vault Key. Everything they've worked for, all that she's sacrificed for, and now her labors have been rewarded. Even still, she could only imagine what wonders were locked away inside the Vault.

Power? Knowledge? An odd assembly of missing doll parts, seemingly important files, and various tapes of past memoirs? What? It's what she keeps in her vault.

Patty waited for what she was certain was the appropriate time of coping before gently gripping Jack's shoulder. "Jack, we are ready to begin… if you are ready." She nervously tacked on, as for some mysterious reason, she received strange looks from their hired mercenaries.

Well, Jack's hired mercenaries.

Patricia never actually paid them anything. But in her defense, they never requested a wage. And besides, after that one disaster, when she reimbursed her former employees at the dig site with her finest collection of exotic stamps, and a pizza from a rather quaint restaurant in Fyrestone, she was no longer allowed to manage matters of finance.

She thought the pizza was wonderful. She especially enjoyed how her mushrooms tried to flee.

"Right." Jack coughed into his fist abruptly. "Thanks, Doc." She continued to stare at him, and he coughed once more. "You can get your hand off my shoulder now."

Ah, right. Patricia almost forgot about that. She would have, had Jack not reminded her. It was such a fascinating shoulder, so lean and comfortable, rather surprising from an office worker- ah, she should remove her hand now, should she not?

"Of course." She agreed, only slightly reluctantly. Patricia has been rather touch starved for a while. Perhaps now she'll be able to get a pet? Or even adoption? She's always been enamored with the idea of raising a fine, young pair of ceiling chairs.

If you have to ask her what a ceiling chair is, then this self-thought conversation is over.

"Alrighty, then." Jack cracked his knuckles, it sounded quite lovely. "Let's get started."

...​

I won't bore you with the details behind the science process, let me just say that it was the MOST amazing thing I have ever seen! It was like these magic, magnetic remnants of tech, had a love child with science, while reality sat in the corner and watched.

And all together, they made the most amazing display of light, power, and pizzaz, since the stars were made! I really wished I got that on video, because frankly no one believes me when I tell them about it, and Tannis was an unreliable witness.

Not because she lied, but because she's crazy. I know, I know, I keep telling them, it's okay if you're crazy, if you're also really smart. Or really hot. Tannis is both! Well, she's one and a half. She doesn't really go the extra mile for appearance's sake. Which takes away some points.

Plus, well, let's just say that a lot of sexual tension really dies out when you see someone eat a live spider. Just, damn. I still get shivers from that.

"Angel, we've got the key." I echo my findings proudly, holding the key in question like it was the One Ring. "Tell me you know where the Vault is?"

It's literally the only thing I've been having her do (barring every time I or my Vault Hunters had to call her up for help). Plus, she's already got days of footage from the Satellite, there's no doubt in my mind she's got the location.

"I'm sorry." Okay, now I'm doubting. "Pandora's just too widespread. I've been able to narrow down six possible sites, but it's too little to confirm anything."

"Why does this always happen to me?" I asked myself rhetorically, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Okay, send out some of our drones, when they report back in, check what they've found, and if they don't report back in, let me know. Might be the place. Tannis?"

"Yes?"

"You got some intel on Dahl, right? Facilities, mining operations, that sort of thing?" I continue.

"Yes, though none that have revealed the location of the Vault." Tannis warns.

"That's fine, we can still use that to narrow the search. I want you to coordinate with Angel, check their databases, their transcripts, heck see if you can find anything on their channels, I am not letting Atlas win this." I said determinedly.

Facing the rest of my team, I see most of that resolve reflected, but not all. Time to erase the doubt.

"The rest of you, with me. This is the big one, time to suit up for the occasion."

...​

Fair warning: this isn't a black tie event.

Once again, thank you all for tuning in! Feel free to check me out at FFN to catch up to the most recently released chapter of the fic, or feel free to check me out on Patreon, where you can read up to five chapters past that, link below:

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[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 22 Jack And The Box

As a kid, I've always been interested in Greek culture. I read too much Percy Jackson, you know? And of course, I was also a DC fan boy, prior to the MCU anyway, and when you keep finding yourself back to the theme of these wise beings, these heroic warriors, the lesson kind of sticks.

That Hercules movie by Disney all but confirmed it.

Here's the thing, though. Greek culture, religion? That's not really what it's about. It wasn't until I got older, that I finally read the true story. Uncovered the dark, sordid details that wouldn't have been out of place in a Grimm's Fairy Tale.

Yup, fairy tales too. Everything from our childhoods has been scrubbed so clean of any and all graphic content, that it'll shine under a lightbulb. Something to think about. But I'm getting off tack.

You see the truth is, the Greeks didn't have good heroes. They had epic heroes, tragic heroes. There wasn't ever a real happy ending. It was more or less, happy for the time being, if even. And the gods I idolized? They were the worst of the bunch.

Murder, rape, cannibalism, torture, you name it, they done it. Even their 'gifts' always came with some hidden price, a truly horrifying cost. Like Midas. He wanted to turn whatever he touched into gold. So, Dionysus, the god of wine and partying, all that fun stuff, gave him that power.

So, everything he touched turned into gold. Everything. After all, he never asked for whatever he wanted to turn, just whatever he touched. So, his horses, his food, his kids. Shiny metal trophies. All of them. Pretty tacky ones, at that.

I could name a dozen of these things, the Curse of Achilles, the Golden Apples of Hesperides, you get my point, right? They take something harmless, something good, and they twist it around, making you pray that you just stuck with toeing the line. Which was kinda the idea.

Take Pandora, nice girl, lovely personality, unclear origins. She was smothered with gifts, and blessings, until one day, she got a box, (actually, it was a jar, but again, unclear origins) that she was even warned not to open.

And she didn't… until she did. Go figure, curiosity is one hell of a temptation.

Turns out that by doing so, she unleashed all evil. So, curiosity kills everything in this case. Except for hope. For only Man could spring that loose. Suffice it to say, no one ever opened the box again. They learned their lesson.

Which leads me to my point… am I doing the right thing?

Okay, you know what, that was phrased poorly, don't read too much into it. I obviously know that I'm the good guy. I've been honest, ethical, supportive, all those classic hero patented traits. Morally, I feel pretty okay with this.

What I mean to ask is, am I doing the smart thing?

Because while I can understand my whole thought process behind this stuff hypothetically, I'm still trying to keep the logic about it in mind. Just- Look, I'm trying to open a Vault that was sealed by an ancient now deceased race of apparently very intelligent aliens. One that happens to hold the most dangerous monster in all of creation.

Well, allegedly dangerous. It gets its weird tentacle whatever, one eyed ass kicked by four tiny humans on the first round. The point is, it's supposed to be a very big threat. Will be, if I ever let Tyreen try to muck this up.

Which I will not. I know it seems like I'm whining this a lot of the time, but I'm not. Trust me, I have a plan. Well, I have a guideline, anyways. You know what they say about the 'best laid plans' and all.

So, I know on paper, my little business venture seems a little, eh, risky, but think of the reward!

Fame, fortune, glory, respect, etc. Who could pass this up?!

And yeah, maybe I should play this a little cautiously. I should remember how well it ended for the good guys in the Fables, and say 'well, lesson learned. I will never ever do that.' And you know what? I will definitely think about all that junk while I'm busy counting my money.

Because let's face it. Reality isn't a book. It's the greatest story of all time.

And in every great story, the hero always wins.

Handsome Jack, CEO of Hyperion, Chronicles Of Pandora, Vault of The Destroyer

...​

"Dad?" Angel repeated, after a moment of silence. "Did you hear me? I said-"

"No, it's okay. I heard you. I was just processing." I rambled, looking back at my echo in wonder. "You found it already? How? I thought we'd need at least another few cycles for the drones to report back."

"We didn't need them to." Angel explained a little giddy. "Dr. Tannis and I were eliminating one of the locations when the Satellite we had in orbit detected an immense energy spike, from one of the sectors we narrowed. I had the drone we sent into that area investigate the source, and…"

This was it.

It was just like I remembered. Broken stone arches scattered around, laying about snow banks on a mountain peak, and at the center of it all, a hole. A keyhole. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Wait a minute, energy spike? We haven't even gotten there yet, what did that?

"Can you tell what caused the spike?" I asked. I know, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but something about this doesn't seem right. The site's completely barren, no one's been there for decades, probably longer, but suddenly the lights are back on?

"We're unsure." Angel answered with the casualty of someone who hadn't played the game and saw the ending. "But based on the timing, we believe it may have been caused by the reassembly of the Key. It's possible that the Vault's reacting to its presence."

"This far away?" I asked skeptically. "Sweetie, we're literally lightyears away from Pandora, right now. I know the Eridians were tough and all, but come on, their tech's gotta have limits. Right?"

"If they do," Angel acknowledged. "Then they are certainly far higher than ours."

Can't argue with that.

"Okay, then. I want you to send a Fast Travel down to the Vault's location, ASAP. Have the drones move one of the ones we've already got there if you have to." I instruct, quickening my pace back towards the armory, while reloading a spare clip into one of the most expensive guns Hyperion's ever made.

"Are you sure that's wise? Tampering with the network like that could have consequences we can't foresee. There's not an immediate rush, we do have time." Angel tries to soothe rationally.

"Angel, the whole planet's gunning for us, the faster we take care of this, the less ground they'll cover. Besides, if things go to hell, we're probably gonna need to book it." Which I really hope isn't an option.

Opening the Vault, that's risky. Letting the monster inside it, loose? That's suicidal.

"Just- whatever you do, you gotta make it happen fast, okay?" I'm now trying to be an unethically demanding dick here. I'm just a stressed out boss trying to fill the quota.

"I'll see what I can do." Angel reluctantly agreed. "You should begin prepping the Vault Hunters for departure. I'll arrange what I can for travel."

Just bear with me on this, kid. We're almost past the Finish Line.

I absentmindedly check the charge on my lasers as my steps draw nearer to the armory. Everything looks optimal, percentage is performing above expectation, readouts are showing a marked improvement over past equipment.

The 'suit' looks pretty badass. If I do say so myself. I was the chief designer, so I do.

It looked like something of a cross between Mass Effect, Halo, and Power Rangers, which you'd think would be too many things to still look okay, but they clashed surprisingly well. The V-visor on the face template actually had multiple forms of vision. X-ray, thermal, the full Detective Mode experience.

I wore a black jumpsuit underneath the metal plating, to my small regret. I'd love to just cover my whole body up with the stuff, but I gotta be able to move some of my joints, otherwise I'm just a standing meat shield. So, some parts of my body were only protected by a layer of leather, Kevlar, and other stuff I wasn't listening to R&D explain, for the sake of mobility.

The actual armor itself, that had to be my favorite part.

Golden plating on top of a titanium-tungsten alloy, highlighted by the shining blue lines of energy, showcasing some of the energy powering the amour's shielding and life support. And before you ask, yes, that's over the Kinect barrier shield I already have in place.

I wore it on my chest, back, and groin, protecting my most vital areas. I had it surround my arms and legs, for limb protection. And I draped it on as shoulder pads because… well, to be honest it just made me look really cool.

There's probably some protection based reasons I can use, but mostly I wanted that part for aesthetics. Sue me.

"I look awesome!" Someone cheered. What? It wasn't me.

The doors to the armory slid open, and the speaker, who was not me, was revealed to be Brick. I told you it wasn't me, grumble, why doesn't anyone ever believe me, grumble.

I was a little less inventive with the others' appearances. Mind you, I put in the attempt, but well… you know how it goes. You focus on the character you wanna upgrade, and half assedly try to make the others look good, and end up just doing a step above okay?

So, yeah. Little bit of that.

I at least did their classic colors.

Lilith was decked out with the only female variant of what I'm referring to as 'badass armor'. It's got the full nine yards, I even added some homemade repulse cannons to go with the red and gold theme I yoinked from Iron Man.

Roland had a pretty basic set, but I changed his helmet to match up with Halo. Add some soldier elements in. Other than that, his armor was colored navy blue, because I already reserved stone cold grey for Brick.

Speaking of, he was just wearing as much armor as my scientists assured me he could carry. Which was a terrifying amount. I think I could shoot him with a rocket right now without even scratching him.

Bloodwing didn't have anything. Sorry, girl. Frankly though, anything strong enough to protect her from bullets and crap, makes her too heavy to fly. She's just gonna have to rely on some of them biological defenses.

Mordecai didn't have anything special. Maybe his was a bit skinnier. Also, he had copper painting because I don't like to reuse color schemes. No real improvements over the rest, although there is the added bonus of not having room for his ridiculous goggles. So, that's a plus.

"You guys are looking good." I appraised them, mostly honest. "Ready for a field test?"

"Already?!" Lilith asked giddy, and maybe a little nervously. "Awesome!" She cheered, hiding her nerves behind her excitement.

"I didn't think Angel would finish her reconnaissance this quickly." Roland admitted, looking a little hesitant. "Are you sure we're ready to handle this?"

"Yeah, not to sound like a pessimist or something, but…" Mordecai trailed off, trying to find another big word to use after 'pessimist'. "Don't you think we're a little unprepared?"

"No. I don't. Come on guys, what's with all this quitters talk?" I asked around frantically, grabbing Mordecai and Roland by the shoulders reassuringly. And definitely not painfully. "We've got the best gear, we've got the best chance, and we've got the best badasses to boot! We're golden, baby. Stop stressing."

"It just feels a little premature, man." Mordecai commented. Huh, he found another big word.

"It's not." I reassure him. "Has this whole thing felt a little fast paced? Sure. But I promise you, just because we're on the last step of a long sprint doesn't mean we cut across the track. I know it doesn't feel like it, time flies and all that, but this has been a long, long time coming. Trust me."

"Yeah." The now completely masked man, pondered. "You're probably right, amigo."

"Always am." It's not arrogance if it's true. "So, who's ready to kick some ass, and get filthy stinking rich?"

"Hell yeah!" Lilith cheered, bumping into my shoulder affectionately. Well, I assume it was meant to be affectionate. It actually kind of hurt, which is more impressive than anything else, when you consider this armor should be able to withstand an orbital fall.

I should really look into Siren strength at some point. Or I should review who I hire when I'm making these mega projects. Eh, both are worth looking into, I guess.

"Love that enthusiasm." I did not wheeze. I just… choked up a little. It's a very emotional moment, I'm a sensitive guy. Shut up. "Well then, let's get going. Angel? Is the Fast Travel ready?"

"Yes…"

"Buut?" I sighed. So predictable. "Something's gone wrong, there's some horrible catch, or there's an unexpected development?"

"I wouldn't say horrible catch." Angel argued, ineffectively.

"Angel." Cue the 'dad voice'.

"The Fast Travel isn't stable enough to safely transport individuals." Angel admitted. "I was able to recalibrate some of the software to allow the mass teleportation, with the additional factors-"

"Angel, we have an audience, and you're boring them to tears." Particularly of the yawning variety. Poor Brick has to wipe his eyes clean with fists the size of a large lunchbox, that can't be fun.

Angel huffed into the echo. She probably pouted too. She just gets so excited when she gets to explain all this nerd stuff. Probably inherited it from me, her nerd dad. "I can send you, but only if the four of you are already grouped together, protected by a metal casing with immense protection from some of the systems more… abrasive features."

"What, like the Technical?" I asked, confused. "You can't fast travel that stuff, Angel. It has to be digistructed, we tested, remember?"

That was a bad day at the office.

"I remember." Angel grimaced. "Thankfully, the procedure we'll be using is much more refined. It should negate the risks involved and allow you to safely travel. Though, I would not encourage repeated use."

I'm not even sure if I want it for just one use. "I don't know…"

"I wouldn't suggest it if I wasn't sure you would be alright." Angel assured me gently. "Right now, it's the safest option we have, with speed in mind."

Hardest thing in the world is starting to put trust in your kids. I don't mean that emotionally, no one knows you better than the people who made you, I mean more logically. Keep in mind, I remember when I had to teach this kid the alphabet, and multiplication, and now she's smarter at this stuff than me, err Jack me? This crap's confusing.

The point is, I know she's skilled, but there's always gonna be that tiny bit of skepticism there.

"Alright." I sighed. I mean, she is skilled, right? If she says we'll be fine, then we'll be fine. I trust my kid. Incidentally, now feels like a pretty good time to start writing up that will. I'm thinking, Angel gets all my worldly possessions, the Vault Hunters (if they are still alive) get their paychecks, and Claptrap can have my eternal spite.

Even if I die, my hate for irritating machinery will live on forever. Pretty good legacy, right there.

"Well guys, let's go hop in a big metal box on wheels, and hope that it protects us from being flung lightyears across the galaxy at record speed." I finished with a clap, exaggerated by fake confidence. That speech really sounded more inspiring in my head.

I caught a few glimpses of amusement, but mostly it was reluctant acceptance. "Sounds fun."

"Okay!"

"Understood."

"Whatever."

That's good enough for me!

...​

It truly is a testament to how much she trusted Jack that she was willing to follow along with an undoubtedly crazy, and probably suicidal plan. Well, either that, or it showed that she was really desperate for cash.

The life of a badass Siren warrior, has done shockingly little to pay the bills. Or taxes. Not that she actually paid that stuff anyways, but even if she wanted to, she couldn't. Which was the real tragedy here.

Lilith might have considered a change of careers if she wasn't about to make a million dollars from just a week's worth of work. Actually, it's only been a few days, but that's only because of Pandora's insane solar cycles.

Just another mark against the planet she was almost growing fond of.

On one hand, it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy (she loved Star Wars!) but on the other, she can really let loose, pretty much guilt free. It's- now don't get her wrong, she's not a psychopath or anything, but she does have a lot of repressed feelings stemming from her lack of a stable childhood, her life on the run, and the stress of getting her doctorate-

Okay, so Lilith had a few issues, who doesn't? The point is, it's kinda nice that she found a place where she can blow some steam without anyone freaking out. She'll hand it to Pandora, it grew on her. Like a fungus, or a tumor, or a Claptrap.

You know, something she can learn to live with, but would prefer to cut off?

Lilith just wished she wasn't about to be slingshot right towards it. Or however the science behind it worked. Did she mention that she was a Doctor of Biology?

"Hey, Jack… this is safe, right?" Mordecai asked uncomfortably, looking around hastily, wondering if it was too late to back out. It totally was.

"Uhh, sure." Jack 'assured', actually using his seatbelt, something Lilith had never seen him do, despite many perilously and bumpy tricks through Pandora's landscape. "You heard Angel. We'll be completely fine."

Lilith could have sworn she heard him mutter 'probably' but he coughed up pretty quickly, so she was probably just imagining it. Right? Yeah. They're totally screwed.

"Initiating jump in T Minus: Ten."

"Sooo, quick question." Lilith tried to say casually, probably betrayed by the fact that she's tightening her seatbelt even more. "Does this job come with life insurance?"

"Nine."

"Nope." Jack ended with a pop. "Sorry."

"Eight."

"Awesome." Lilith groaned back into her seat, when inspiration took her. "Follow up question…"

"Seven."

"Shoot. Not literally, though." He joked.

"Six."

"If we do survive this, do you wanna- I mean like do you have any plans on Friday or…" She trailed off, flustered.

"Five."

"I could probably move some stuff." Jack confirmed, looking at her curiously. "Why, you asking me out?"

"Four."

"Yes…?"

"Three."

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, sure! Ahem. I'm game. Were you thinking like, lunch or maybe drinks, or…"

"Two."

"I was thinking about lunch." Lilith admitted. "But honestly, drinks sound a lot better right now."

"One."

"Yeah…" Jack tightened his seatbelt one final time himself. "They really do."

Without further ado, they were fast traveled, car and all, across the entire universe in matter of seconds, and right now, it felt more intense than any time she made the leap before. Lilith really felt sorry for Bloodwing, the only one among them without a seatbelt.

In retrospect, she probably should have felt more sorry for Mordecai, because those talons were definitely going to leave scars in that shoulder.

Of course, the second she thought about that, they landed, in the most violent, and undignified way they could, aside from crashing. Jack cracked his neck, and unbuckled, leaving the car slowly. Roland followed suit, and since she didn't want to be left behind, so did she.

The sight she saw amazed her. If the Fast Travel didn't leave stars in her eyes, then this definitely would. She's probably studied Sirens and their connections to the Vault more times than she's gotten into trouble. Probably.

But even still, there is a world of difference between reading and actually seeing.

"Finally." Jack cheered, a smile stretched wide across his face. Mask. Whatever, close enough. Actually, she can't even see the smile 'cause of the helmet. She'll just stop now. "Can you guys feel it? The excitement in the air? That spark. I knew we'd always make it here, but actually doing it, it just feels so…"

"False?" Suggested a Russian voice that wasn't Marcus. Turning around, she spotted an entire platoon of Atlas soldiers. Led by one woman… with blue tattoos. "Mistaken? Bitter? Hollow?" She continued, striding her way closer to Jack, who narrowed his eyes in scorn.

"I was gonna say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, actually. Why don't you give that one a try?" Jack snarked, looking as cocky as ever, if a bit pissed off.

The Siren that wasn't her, scoffed. "You have failed, Hyperion worm. This Vault belongs to the Atlas corporation. Hand over the Key. Now."

Lilith took it all back. Pandora completely sucked.

...​

What's this?! A cliffhanger! Inconceivable!

Well, I guess you'll just have to stay tuned in for the next chapter, tomorrow, where we'll wrap up the main game's plot. Until then, you know the drill. Catch up on FFN or SB, read ahead on my Patreon, link below.

My Patreon

 

[GrindStone]

Just- whatever you do, you gotta make it happen fast, okay?" I'm now trying to be an unethically demanding dick here. I'm just a stressed out boss trying to fill the quota.

Click to shrink...

"I'm not* trying to be an unethically demanding dick here." I'm guessing?

 

[readsalot]

Lilith took it all back. Pandora completely sucked.

Click to shrink...

Yes it does

What's this?! A cliffhanger! Inconceivable!

Click to shrink...

Darn You Author-San!!!!!!
Darn you to HELL!!!!!!

Great chapter