Handsome Jack: The Hero?

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 1: Welcome to Pandora

It was hard to breathe, I couldn't even open both my eyes. I tried to settle for one and blearily glanced down at myself to see my clothes covered in blood, most of it wasn't even mine. I felt a weight at my side and saw the body of a beautiful woman. She was caked in blood.

I don't- I don't remember what happened.

Did I do this?

Panic starts to set in, and if I wasn't struggling to breath, I'd probably be hyperventilating. Calm down. Calm down! I just gotta think, what happened?!

I look at my hands, and while they're bloody, they're unarmed. I couldn't have killed her. The thought almost brought me relief. Until it didn't.

Because if I didn't do this, who did?

The sobbing answered my question.

I looked up to see a young girl, she didn't even look ten years old. Angel, her name pops into my mind. How did I know that? How do I know her? I've never seen her before in my life. But she seems so familiar.

"Angel." I coughed out, trying to remember.

Her head shot up, and she gazed at me with frantic eyes. "Daddy?" She whispered. I tried to move, to tell her it was gonna be alright, but my body disagreed. I groaned in pain, and she jumped to her feet.

"Daddy!" She screamed, rushing towards me, and wrapping me tight in her arms, as far as they could reach anyway. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Daddy?

"It's okay." I soothe her, almost by reflex. "It's not your fault. It's gonna be okay."

She keeps apologizing desperately, crying into my blood-soaked shirt. "I was scared. I just wanted to go home!"

"We will." I told her breathlessly, fighting to remain conscious. "I promise. Everything's going to be alright." I smiled at her, trying to lift her spirits.

She still cries, but I think I could hear some choked sobs of relief now. I think. I guess it is kind of hard to tell the difference. Crying pretty much sounds the same however you do it. That and I'm definitely losing consciousness.

"Daddy?" Angel shakes me, looking worried.

I look up at her big, teary eyes, and before I pass out, I say the most important thing that I could have. "You're gonna have to call the hospital sweetie."

And then I fainted.

Heroically.

...​

'I gotta get away from there more often.' I thought to myself, coming home from another "Day in Paradise" from Hyperion.

I hate that place, but what am I gonna do? Quit? I got a family to look after. Plus, the pay is pretty great. Not that it's the main reason! Just a nice side benefit.

Besides, at least I get to come home from that Hellhole, to actual paradise.

"Captain Bear, who is a bear, he is a bear, Captain Bear." I heard Angel singing from behind the front door and smiled softly.

Who'd have thought? Me, of all people, a dad.

Good thing she took after her mother, she wouldn't be nearly as cute if she took after me.

"Hey Angel." I greeted her warmly, grinning down at her, and her toy bear. That's new. "And who is this guy?"

"Captain Bear!" She cheered, holding it tightly. "He eats crime." She added, like it was obvious.

I, of course, played along. "Well, he must eat a lot with that big belly, huh?" I asked her teasingly. A strange blue pattern on her left arm caught my eye, and my concern. "Angel, darling, what's uh, what's that on your arm?" I try to ask her nonchalantly. "Did you do that?"

"Blue!" She told me happily, while shrugging. "I don't know where it came from. Do you think it's pretty?" She asked me hopefully.

Oh no… "Yeah, sweetheart. It's… it's real pretty." I answer her cautiously. "Hey, uh honey?!" I call for my wife, as calmly but as urgently as I can. "Can you get in here for a minute?"

The memory's fading, but I can still feel the anxiety.

...​

"Stupid… goddamn… piece of crap asshole!" I screamed under my breath. Venting all of my frustration on the poor, broken, vending machine.

This wasn't good. Angel wasn't good!

Where did I go wrong?! How could this have happened? There are only six sirens alive at any moment in time. Why did one of them have to be my little girl? I fought back tears as the reality of the situation started to sink in.

"What's a "asshole"?"

Crap! I turned around abruptly, to see Angel waiting behind me. "Oh, Angel! Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't see you standing there." I could see her face scrunch up in confusion, and I realized what she just asked. "Uh- don't say any of those words that daddy said, okay?"

"Okay." She answered unphased. "Is the machine broken?" She asked, turning her gaze to the current source of my ire.

"Yeah. Looks like no candy for us." I muttered angrily. "Hey- why don't you go back to the waiting room with mommy, darling? The doctor's gonna be here any minute, okay?" Not sure how much help he can actually be. But at this point, I'd try voodoo.

"I think I can fix it." She told me uncertainly, but happy to try.

Angel waved her left arm, and her tattoos glowed. Then everything in the vending machine dropped out. No. No! "What…!" I choked, overwhelmed by shock. "... the hell did you just do?" I finished in panic.

"What's wrong, daddy?" She asked me, in worry and fear, and just a hint of sadness.

It's hard to remember what I said, what I did, but I remember the look on her face. I remember the terror I felt at that moment. But I wasn't afraid of her. I was afraid for her.

I knew what was coming.

...​

"Mommy! Daddy! Help!" Angel screamed in terror, tears running down her face. Fighting desperately against the bandit who held her.

"Look, you filthy bandit!" I shouted in anger. Calm down Jack, you need to be calm, you need to be strong for them. "Just- give us back our daughter, okay?" I asked in barely concealed rage.

"Are you kidding?" The large, disgusting bandit scoffed obnoxiously. "She's a freaking Siren. I'm gonna be a trillionaire! You and your wife get out of here before I sick my turret on you. Forget the kid, go make another one!"

Forget Tassiter, forget Grandma, I have never wanted to kill someone before so much as I did right now.

"No!" Angel cried. "I wanna go home!"

The bandit didn't like that. "Shut up, kid or I'll...!" He paused as Angel began to subconsciously use her powers on his turret. "Hey, what the…?" He backed up in fear as Angel lost control.

"I! WANNA! GO! HOME!" She screamed in anger, fear, and desperation. The turret obliged her. The bandit was ripped apart by his own turret. But it didn't stop there.

"Honey! Get down!" I yelled in worry, trying to pull my wife out of the line of fire.

But…

It was too late.

I did everything I could to save her, I tried to shield her with my own body, but she was just... gone… Angel killed them.

And as I looked down at my battered body, I realized she might have killed me too. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, I couldn't even open both of my eyes.

All I remember was hearing Angel painted breath, as she looked at what she had done. "...Mommy? Daddy?"

And then… Well…. I remember what happened after that.

But that name… Why did I call myself "Jack"?

...​

Breath, just breath. I opened my eyes, thank God I can see out of both of them now. And then I look around.

I'm in a hospital room, laying down in a bed I'm sure they designed to be uncomfortable. I can see Angel sleeping in a chair, all curled up. She's… my daughter.

I'm her father, Jack.

I'm Jack.

I know where I've seen this before! This is Borderlands! I'm in Borderlands! And I'm Handsome Jack… the bad guy.

Well that killed my good mood.

Too bad, I needed that, what with being in the hospital and all. Actually, speaking of, how bad was I hurt? My arms and legs feel fine, so I'm not crippled. Cool. My chest is still a bit sore, but I'm not bleeding out. That's a plus.

And my face… I hesitantly reach a hand to touch it, and yep… sure enough, that's not skin. I'm wearing the friggin mask, aren't I?

Honestly, that doesn't make any sense at all, Handsome Jack didn't wear the mask until Lilith "jacked" up his face. My face. Yup, that's uh- that's gonna take some getting used to. This has not been a good day.

I guess Angel probably heard me groaning because she's stirring awake. I see her eyes flutter open, before hazily looking at me. She saw me looking back, and instantly woke up. "Daddy?" She asked hopefully.

I smiled at her. "Hey kiddo." I said a bit raspy, guess my throat's a little dry.

Angel got teary eyes, full of joy, and rushed over to me. "You're okay!" She sounded so happy… if she knew who I really was… no. It doesn't matter, I'm Jack now.

"Yup, I'm just peachy." I tell her, trying to hide my sarcasm. I grabbed her shoulders and looked her over. "How about you, darling? Are you okay?"

She sniffed. "No." She rubbed her eyes and looked into mine. "Daddy, I'm so so-"

"Don't be." I told her, pulling her in for a hug. "It wasn't your fault, I know you'd never hurt us like that."

"But Mommy's-"

"Mommy's gone." I cut her off. "But she's in a better place, and I promise you, she doesn't blame you either."

Angel continued to cry into my arms a bit longer, before pulling back. She raised her hand and touched my mask. "I did this." She said, heartbroken.

"You couldn't control your powers." I consoled her. "You were afraid, and they acted out."

"But what if I-" She started meekly. "What if I lose control again?"

"You won't." I answer her gently. "We're gonna figure out how to use your powers, okay? Together."

"Okay." She lowers her hand.

I grab it firmly and give her the best smile I can. "Now give it to me straight Doc." I told her jokingly. "Am I still handsome?"

She giggled. "You never were."

"Oh, no!" I gasped in mock horror. "Can this day get any worse?!"

"Yes, sir." Angel answered solemnly, betrayed by her smile.

"What's that Doctor?"

"Well Mr. Dad." Angel replied in her best "Doctor" voice. Ha, she thinks my name is dad. "I'm afraid you're dying, and you don't have much time."

"How awful! How long do I have?"

"Ten." She answered, trying to hide her smile.

"Ten what? Months, weeks, days?" I asked her playfully.

"Ten... nine… eight... seven-" Angel counted down, only to be interrupted by me tickling her. "Daddy!" She exclaimed joyfully. "Stop!"

"If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!" I announced while laughing, as she tried to tickle me back. "Easy, kiddo, I'm the one in the hospital."

She didn't seem to mind, she was pretty relentless. "It stops when you give up!" She jokingly threatened.

I just chuckled and raised my hands. "Okay, okay. I surrender, sweetie." I smile down at her for a moment. "Hey, why don't you get the nurse so I can pay the bill and we can leave this joint."

"Okay, daddy." She was about to leave, but she stopped to give me a tight hug. "I love you."

"I love you too, Angel." I told her sincerely. "Don't worry, alright? Everything is gonna be fine."

...​

Everything is gonna be fine.

Her dad said so, so it's gotta be true. He wouldn't lie to her. Angel didn't have any doubts about that. But she was still pretty worried.

She was scared.

But not as much as she was when- when her mom died. She couldn't control her powers, she couldn't herself. And her mom died because of it, and her dad…

Angel loved him, and she was so glad he was still alive. But he seemed… different. A good difference. Not counting the mask… at least he didn't seem too worried about it.

Maybe she's overthinking it.

Her dad was okay, at least he was okay as he could be. And he didn't blame her for what happened. Not that it stopped her from blaming herself. Every time she looks at him from now on, at his face… at the mask of his face, she's going to remember what she'd done.

It was still so much better than it could have been. For a moment there, a very scary moment, she was worried that she killed them both. That the two people she loved most in the world were gone because of her.

Angel really missed her mom.

She couldn't believe that she was really gone. It all happened so fast.

At least she still had her dad. And he was right, they're going to figure out how to control her powers. They had too.

...​

Author's Note: Semi Important, read if you want.

I'm already about forty-nine chapters ahead on Fanfiction.Net and SpaceBattles with this fic, and another five on Patreon. I'm only going to be posting one chapter a day on this site, until it's caught up with the others, so, if you want to catch up, feel free to check it out over there. Oh! And if you wanted to support me on Patreon, please do! Here's the link:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 2 Get to Know Jack

Heterochromia.

It's the technical term for having two different eye colors. It had something to do with genetics, but I didn't pay that much attention in class. It's what Jack- what I have. Or had, I guess. Doc said the shrapnel took out my original eye, so they hooked me up with an Echo eye.

These Echo products, pretty nifty. They're virtually the high-tech Apple products of the galaxy, or android or whatever you crazy kids are using nowadays. Not Samsung though, never Samsung.

Anyways, the new eye is still pretty cool, they even made it the same color. They also issued me the mask of my own face. And let me tell you, it is as iconic as it is ridiculous.

I'm still not sure why the original Jack wore it, he could have easily gotten plastic surgery. Instead he had a mask that looked and acted just like his face, stapled to his face. Of course, now that I'm wearing it, I kind of get it.

It is super comfy.

'Didn't stop it from looking a little off though.' I reflected to myself, as I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Of course, the mask wasn't the only strange thing about today's attire. The black suit, the tie, the flowers. Well, that means I'm either going to a wedding or a funeral.

"Dad?" Angel called softly, down the hall.

I'll give you a hint, it's not a wedding.

I sighed to myself, as I straightened my tie, and picked up the flowers. "Yeah, sweetie?"

"When does the funeral start?" She asked, despondent.

"A couple of hours." I told her carefully, trying to see if I could make this… any of this easier for her. "We won't miss it." I said firmly.

"Okay." She seems to hesitate, before asking me carefully. "How long do I have to wear this?"

I know she didn't mean that little black dress, though I could tell she was practically squirming in it. She was looking at her left arm, her seemingly unmarked left arm.

"Angel," I start gently. "We talked about this…"

A couple of days after we left the hospital, I got the bright idea to cover up her tattoos. Of course, I first thought of doing it by making her wear a jacket, or long sleeve clothes everywhere, which wasn't my brightest idea.

Mainly because we live on Edan 5, which was primarily a garden world- err moon, whatever. Either way it's practically just a mildly warm and a little bit breezy kind of environment on an orb floating in space. It's also not really a place for coats.

Thankfully, I remembered a trick that an old friend showed me. He was going to an interview, and had to cover up his tats, they were not classy. So, he used this alcohol activated makeup, it's water resistant so you'd need a special product to get it off.

So, a bit of concealer here, some dabbing there, and presto! One completely normal looking little girl that is most definitely not a Siren.

It can't actually stop her powers, but at least now she won't be kidnapped on site.

Baby steps.

I just wish Angel agreed. "I like my tattoos." She complained. Looking a little pouty, in that adorable way all grumpy kids seemed to manage.

I just grinned and reached a hand down to mess up her hair. "C'mon kiddo, it's not so bad. When you're older, you'll want to use makeup all the time." I mocked, trying to switch topics subtly.

"Dad!" Angel screamed annoyed. But at least I got her to smile.

"I'm serious." I added, holding back a laugh. "Soon enough, you'll be spending your college tuition on designer clothes, and expensive lotions and shampoos you could've gotten at the Dollar Store."

"Stop." She demands, while giggling.

"Okay, darling." I "reluctantly" tell her. Crisis averted. "You ready? We should probably head out soon, don't want to miss our flight."

"Ready." Angel answered immediately.

Oh really?

"Are you sure?" I asked her half teasingly, half serious.

"Yes."

"Are you sure, you're sure?" I checked again.

"Yes." She answered a bit annoyed.

"Okaayy." I drawled. "Let's go-"

"Wait!" Angel interrupts, before rushing back to her room.

Kids.

She comes back about two minutes later, looking a little flustered, but satisfied. "Ready." She repeats, a bit more genuinely this time.

I bent down and gave a light, but enthusiastic punch to her shoulder. "That's my girl!" I cheered. Getting one last smile out of her. "Now come on, we really don't want to miss this."

Yeah… that flight I'm talking about, it's not a plane. It's a ship, a spaceship. I'm going to friggin space! For a funeral for my dead wife…

Man, it is just so easy to kill the mood, right?

Whatever, I'm still pretty excited! How many people can say they've been to space! Well, like besides from the people here. Nevermind, this is gonna be great. Really great, it's all just so great.

...​

'This isn't as great as I thought it'd be.' I thought to myself, moodily.

Did I say moodily? I meant something cool like, broodingly, and enraged, or… yeah, okay. I'm moody. You happy? Great, cause I'm not.

Forget what I said, it doesn't matter if your flight is on a plane, a spaceship, or the stairway to heaven. Having so many other people to deal with and talk to just really kills the amazement. This was supposed to be fun for me.

They murdered my fun.

It will be avenged… or not. I'm not actually Handsome Jack. There's a difference between justified and petty. Although, if I'm being honest…

I'm starting to remember more.

Hell, I'm feeling more, thinking more. Jack's thoughts, his memories, his brain,that stuff's catching up. Nothing uber important yet, just the basic stuff you know.

His birthday, Angel's birthday, how to code the crap out of Hyperion's network, my grandma drowning my kitten after I forgot to clean my bed... Those last two weren't very basic, huh. Whoops!

I might be catching his personality too… nah. I've always been a bit of an asshole, but at least I'm funny about it! Then again, so was Jack…

Well, at least I haven't killed a lot of people for no reason! Not being a mass murderer is one of my greatest qualities! My mom would be sooo proud.

Anyways, that's enough introspection crap, for now. Let's talk more about this flight, yeah?

We're going to Edan 6! One of the other floating orbs going around Edan, wish is technically a gas giant and not a planet. So, I'm not even sure if Edan 5 or Edan 6 are technically moons. Which by the way, what creative names, am I right people?

Man, the writers were lazy.

Unless this is a legitimate theme, though, that makes me wonder if this is like an actual rule. Because if it was, shouldn't Pandora's moon have been called Pandora 2 or something?

These are questions that will never be answered. But will continue to be asked.

Speaking of questions that haven't been answered, I should probably mention why we're going to Edan 6. As you know, it's for a funeral, specifically my wife's funeral.

Elizabeth Jakobs.

Exactly what it sounds like, and that kind of shocked me too. Also, for the record, she was the Jakobs. Not me. I'm still just Handsome Jack, let's try not to make it any crazier than that.

Anyways, she had a bit of a falling out with her family. But in the event that she died, which she did, she wanted to be buried on her home world. So, that is where Angel and I are headed.

Not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about any of this. A part of me is hurt, probably the part of me that's still Jack. But my only memory of Elizabeth, is trying to protect her from a hail of bullets with my face. And failing.

Maybe I could try to shed a couple of tears, for Angel's sake.

...​

I couldn't think.

I was one of the smartest people alive. I was the brightest mind in all of Hyperion. I was- I was the best dad ever, according to the mug, Angel made for me.

But for all of that, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't figure a way out of this. I couldn't take away her powers. I couldn't help my daughter.

I've never felt so useless in my entire life.

In the end all I could do was sit on my bed and try to fight back my tears. It was hopeless, there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

"Jack." My wife called to me softly, gently rubbing my shoulders from behind me. "It's okay."

"No, Liz." I try to pull away, but she holds me firmly. "None of this is okay."

"It will be." She soothes me. "I know how hard this is for you. You're a fixer, Jack. When you see something wrong you always try to make it right."

"How am I supposed to make this right?" I scoffed.

"You can start by checking on Angel." Elizabeth suggested smoothly.

I try to argue. "I told you! I don't know anything about Sirens-"

"She's more than just a Siren, Jack." Elizabeth interrupts me. "She's your daughter, and right now she needs you." I could feel her shifting off the bed, as she grabbed my chin, and turned me to face her.

She was as beautiful as the day I met her, those clear gray eyes, that pearl smile. Well, she's frowning right now, but I know it's there.

I sigh to myself, before looking back at her. "You're right."

"I'm always right." She corrected, with a small smile.

Turns out her smile was infectious. "I know." I got up and made for the door. "I'll go talk to her."

Before I made it too far, she grabbed my hand. "Jack, I mean it." She told me sincerely. "It's going to be okay, you'll figure something out. And tomorrow, we'll go out for a walk in the park. Just like always."

"With ice cream?" I ask cheekily.

Elizabeth chuckled. "With ice cream." She nodded in confirmation.

I bent down and kissed her. "Sound like a plan, hun."

"And Jack?"

"Yeah Liz?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I remember how happy I was that night because she was there with me. Because she could find something completely hopeless and turn it around. She might've called me a fixer, but she was the real healer.

The next night we all went to the park. Me, her, and Angel, we had a great time, had some laughs, got some ice cream… and then she was killed. Because I couldn't save her.

Maybe she was wrong. I can't seem to fix anything.

Dad. "Dad. Dad!"

"Ah!" I startled awake, panting slightly. I could feel someone nudging me and turned to my left. "Angel, sorry about that, you uh, you okay?"

Angel looked a little guilty. "Yeah dad. We're almost there, thought you should know."

"Cool." I said after a moment. "That's great, let's get ready to bounce."

"Okay." Angel hesitated a bit. "Are you okay, dad?"

"Of course, darling." I rub my eyes a bit. "Just a little tired."

Angel doesn't seem to buy it, though she doesn't push it any further. Something I'm glad for. I apparently found another good use for this mask.

They're pretty good at hiding tears.

...​

"Jack." Montgomery Jakobs greeted me briefly, probably feeling as awkward as I did.

"Hey, Monty." I reply, as I mentioned, awkwardly.

I think I mentioned it before, but I'll say it again. Elizabeth and her family were a bit estranged. I don't really know how or why, I never- that's to say, Jack never asked. He didn't want to bring up any touchy subjects. Which, on that note. Guess who's memories finally cracked their way into my skull.

"You look… different." Montgomery noted, escorting me and Angel to the Wake.

"Yeah." I said deadpanned. "New hairstyle."

"I uh, meant-"

"I know what you meant." I cut him off, the mask was a little off putting, but not as bad as what's under it. But yeah, thanks Monty. I try to ease the tension and suddenly for the first time ever, jokes don't help.

The CEO of the Jakobs family, everyone. It's a bunch of low-tech weapon crap, but it'll kill things good and dead. In fact, I think that's their slogan. Not mine though.

Hyperion for life.

"So, this is Angel?" Christ, this guy would just not- wait. Perfect.

"Yeah!" I answer enthusiastically. "Hey Angel, this is your Grandpa, come say hi." I order her, as is my fatherly right.

She kind of peeps her head out from around my leg. "Hi." She greeted quietly. Angel, you are disappointing me. I need you as a buffer between me and awkward small talk!

"Well hello there, darling." Grandpa Jakobs, the futuristic Colonel of KFC, fortunately doesn't seem to mind. "You know, your momma told me all about you."

Doubt it.

But Angel seems to buy it, she tentatively goes around my leg, and strikes up a conversation with Colonel Buy More Guns. SCORE!

I knew having kids would pay off one day!

… I just didn't think it would be by distracting my father-in-law so I could avoid making awkward small talk at my wife's funeral. But you know what they say… life's full of surprises…

I need a drink.

...​

Montgomery Jakobs wasn't quite sure what to make of Jack.

He was every bit the ass he imagined him to be, but at least the man had a sense of humor. At first glance, Montgomery wasn't sure what his daughter could've seen in him. Of course, at first glance, all he really noticed was the mask.

The mask he apparently wore because his face was horrifically scared after he tried to save Elizabeth. So maybe he judged him too soon, and a little harshly.

Jack was good to that daughter of his too. Almost reminded Montgomery of himself and Elizabeth, in what feels like a lifetime ago now. Except, he always had Maggie's help, and he still messed it up.

Oh, Elizabeth.

He didn't know where he went wrong with her. Of all the regrets he had in his long life, never getting the chance to apologize, to tell her he loved her one last time. That was his biggest and deepest regret.

It wasn't too late to make things right though.

He had a granddaughter, Elizabeth's girl.

Angel and boy did she live up to her name.

He couldn't do anything for Elizabeth now, much as he wished he could. But he could be there for Angel now, and as long as he can.

That's what the Jakobs family is all about. That's what life's all about. Doing what you can for the people you love, in the time you have left.

...​

A/N: Semi-important to not at all, read at your own risk

Not going to lie, I'm pretty flattered by all the attention. Hope you all enjoyed today's chapter! If you want to read up to chapter thirty-six, please free to catch up on FFN, where I have the story posted with the same title and username. If you want to read up to five chapters after that, feel free to check out my Patreon, with the link below:

My Patreon

P.S.

Sorry for the late update. My wi-fi was not my friend today.

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 3 It's a New-U! (Again)

"So, this is it, pumpkin." I informed Angel carefully, turning her attention to the chair that in another life, she was terrified of.

"Are you sure it'll work?" This Angel, however, was more nervous than scared. I guess that's good.

At least I'm handling it better than the original Jack. Not that he set the bar particularly high. Still though, being a dad is hard. Especially when your kid has the power to command everything electronic with her mind, and you work at a primarily weapon-making company.

I've tried to make this process go by nice and smooth. I waited a couple of months after the funeral before I even made the chair. And I let Angel know what it'll do ahead of time. She knows what to expect, but I'm still a bit worried…

"Angel," I put my hand on her shoulder, and continued only when she looked up at me. "Are you sure you're ready? We don't have to do this if you're not sure."

Maybe I wasn't the dad she had her entire life, but I'm the dad she has now. Besides, as exhausting as it is to raise a kid on my own, didn't stop me from caring about her.

Angel breathes in slowly, and exhales. "Yes." She still seemed a bit nervous, but she was ready. As much as she could be I guess, there are just some things we can't ever really prepare for.

"It'll work." I assured her.

"How do we start?" She asked, looking a bit confused.

"You just sit down. It'll handle things from there." I told her confidently, and I was very confident. Over the last couple of months, Jack's memories, his intelligence, they've started to become mine. My brain went into overdrive, and I turned the concept into a reality.

That chair is connected to every Hyperion satellite, even the ones I don't have clearance too. It's been uniquely modified and outfitted to respond to Angel's Phaseshifts. Not only would she be able to control her powers, she would be able to change the world.

We'd change the universe. Just like I promised, and then some.

"Okay." Angel started tentatively, sitting down lightly, like she was worried the chair was a landmine. But as she finally seated, she started to calm down. Until the controls started up. "Woah!" She yelped, almost jumping out of the chair, but I held my hand on her shoulder to keep her in place.

"Easy. kiddo." I soothed her. "It's just powering on, everything's fine."

Angel eased up and sat back down. "Okay, okay…" She trailed off, as she finally synched up with Hyperion's network. "Woah." She breathed in amazement.

"Woah." I agreed with a grin. "That is the entire Hyperion satellite network. Every stream, every site, every inch of the universe as we know it, and you get to see it all. Best seat in the house, right?"

"Yeah!" She agreed excitedly. "What should I do?"

Hmmm. Got it. "Well you know, I always wanted to see our house from space. Try to pull it up on my monitor." I ask, turning my console around so she can see.

She closed her eyes in concentration for a moment, before opening glowing blue eyes. I can also see the glow coming from her left arm. If we hadn't covered up her tattoos, that would have looked a lot cooler. "Executing Phaseshift." She spoke, and the world obeyed.

I watched in awe as Eden 5 came into view on the monitor. I got to admit that was awesome, but it's also something I could have done back home on google maps. "Nice work, darling." I praised her, and she metaphorically and literally glowed at the attention. "Try zooming in."

"Okay." She eagerly accepted. Bringing our city, and then our house into view. She had a smug look on her face, but I'd say it was well earned.

"Awesome!" I cheered her, raising my hand for a half five that she happily returned. "Be honest, have you been practicing?"

She seemed flattered but shook her head. "No, dad." She smiled in denial.

"Well, I guess my girl's a natural." I boasted. She just rolled her eyes with a smile.

"What's next?" Angel asked, all traces of nervousness gone.

I just smiled. "I've got a few ideas."

...​

Fast Travel hasn't been invented yet.

Can you believe that? Only about three years away from the big event, the opening of the Destroyer's Vault. And one of the most integral parts of the story, just did not exist.

Well we can't have that, can we?

I've been working on this for months, if it wasn't for having Jack's intelligence, it would probably have made as much sense to me, as shirts did for psychos.

I did get why they wore masks though, they're pretty much the fashion trend of the century. It's like putting a onesie on, right out of the drier. It's cozy. Probably not as wholesome, but who cares, this is Borderlands not a Christmas special.

Any WAYS!

I made the first ever prototype of the Fast Travel network. And after I finish the second prototype of the Fast Travel, we can actually test it out.

When I say we, I'm actually talking about some of the ratches I… persuaded the janitor, into letting me experiment on.

That sounded too ominous didn't it? Okay, I paid him $20, and I told him I wanted to use them as lab rats before I killed them myself… What? This isn't immoral, everyone does animal testing.

Plus, they're ratches. Have you seen them? Absolutely disgusting, makes me just want to murder every last one of them. Joking!

Maybe.

Let's move the focus back to Fast Travel, okay? Terrific. So, Angel's helped me set them up, and with just a few more finishing touches, we'll get to see how these bad boys work!

...​

"Halt!" Screamed the annoying, digitized voice, of a soulless, waste of scrap, robot. Or as I know them…

Claptraps.

You know it's weird, I always thought they were kind of funny, even endearing, back when I was playing the game. But now that I'm living it, I can see why Handsome Jack tried to kill them all.

Not that I will… maybe?

No… sadly that would probably make me too evil. "What?" I hissed out, annoyed at being interrupted by one of them of all things.

"I can NOT let you in without the proper clearance!" The Claptrap exclaimed pompously.

This egotistical bucket of- calm down Jack, happy thoughts. "It's my office." I said instead, trying to control my temper.

"Ohhh..." The idiotic robot accepted at face value. So. Incredibly. Incompetent.

Although this was my office. Also, this is the fifth time I've had this conversation, and I'm pretty sure it's still the same Claptrap. I rolled my eyes and pushed past it as I walked into my office.

"Wait! Stop, I need to see your ID!" The Claptrap made to follow but stopped as it got to the steps leading to my office. "Well, I've done all I possibly can." It immediately quits with a small shrug.

'God those things are useless.' I thought, irritated, as I slammed the door. I can only put up with them for so long. "Angel, are they ready?" I asked her after setting down the small cage of ratches I disguised with a cardboard box.

"Yeah, dad." She answered, sitting at my desk chair. She gave me a look. "You should be nicer to them." She scolded, in mention of the Claptraps.

"I was nice." I argue. "I didn't even threaten to dismantle it once." Angel just chuckled, like I said something funny. Oh, she thought I was kidding. That's nice.

And of course, she'd like them. Kids love annoying things.

Namely me. "So. let's get these tests started." I suggested, quickly trying to change the subject. I took the cage out of its clever disguise of a cardboard box, the ratches viciously fighting against the bars.

"You'll need to place one on the travel pad." Angel gestured to our altered digistruct matt we made for the Fast Travel. "And…" She hesitated. "It'll need to be one, I've run the scenarios, it won't end well if more than one person tries to use it at the same time."

I grimaced. "Yeah, great." We've already tested it out on a couple of objects, and that worked well enough. But bio testing is really what'll make or break it.

I put on some leather gloves I bought for the occasion, and carefully opened the cage. Then I quickly grabbed one and shut the cage before the other ratch got any funny ideas.

Meanwhile the ratch I was holding fought, scratched, and bit against my grip, and I all but chucked it at the travel pad. "Angel, now!" I nervously ordered as the ratch got back up and moved to pounce.

Before it could, it vanished. I let out a breath of relief and took the cardboard box and brought it to the other Fast Travel in the room. I'd need something to catch it.

We waited one moment.

Then another.

And another.

I sighed in disappointment. "Angel-" I was cut off by the small flash of light and sound, as the ratch reappeared dazed. While it was confused I pounced at it with the box.

It squirmed in disagreement, but I counter argued by pressing the matter of my boot against its head in a repeated fashion on top of the box.

I panted for a little, before turning back to Angel, with a huge smile. "It worked!" I cheered. Lifting her up and twirling her around in celebration.

"I told you so!" She shouted, equally excited.

"Never doubted you for a moment." I replied, holding her up in my arms proudly. "Come on, let's get some ice cream. We earned it."

...​

We did it! And now, we just gotta sell it.

Shouldn't be too hard right? Wrong.

First I'm going to have to make it pass Assiter who I know from Jack's memories, and mine, to be a complete dick head. And if I try to go through him, he'll steal the credit, and I'll get bupkis.

So, I need to go around him to the people who matter, the executives. The board of directors, shouldn't be too hard, right? Wrong.

I love correcting people. Although I did have an idea or two I kind of liked…

Let's make this happen.

...​

Maxim Turner fought not to groan as Harrold Tassiter, the current CEO of his beloved company, babbled on. He lost interest a good hour and a half in, as the man started to rant less about their company's success, and more about its faults.

As if he needed to be lectured on that. Turner was the reason Hyperion even existed, let alone why it was the superpower it was today. If it wasn't for his bankrolling, his resources, this company would have been steam rolled.

He glanced to his left, and saw that Alma Harren, his "co-founder" seemed about as interested in Tassiter's speech as he was. Not in the slightest. She didn't show it of course, and if Turner hadn't known her better, he would have assumed she was listening with rapt attention.

Sadly, he did know her better. Her experience in the Corporate Wars, perfected her ability to ignore all distractions and focus on her target. No doubt she was fantasizing about killing Mr. Tassiter. Oh, if only he could let her.

Turner looked to his right, and this time he did groan. Lawrence De Quidt, their creator, the founder of the artificial intelligence branch. Prototyping the robots that now littered their company. And of course, the man couldn't possibly be bothered to pay attention.

Instead his eyes were glued to his echo, most likely examining the faults with their latest batch of Claptraps. Lawrence claimed he was trying to fix their personality flaws, but for a man of his reputation, he was making tremendously little progress.

And even with the defects to their coding, Turner was certain that Lawrence still preferred their companionship then human's. If he were a lesser man, he might have shuddered in disgust.

"Excuse us, sirs!" Speak of the defective little devils… "We have a package for you!" The lead Claptrap shouted excitedly.

"...Well?" Turner asked, after the Claptrap continued to stand there.

"Well, what?"

"Bring it in." Turner demanded, frustrated with the annoying robot.

"Okay!" It agreed cheerfully. It continued to stand there, waiting.

"Are you going to get it or not?" Lawrence asked harshly, ashamed of what he created.

"Ohhh, did you mean now?" The robot asked stupidly.

"Yes." Alma said bluntly

"You got it!" The Claptrap exclaimed. It and the other little abominations wheeled in a strange looking machine, then it tripped over itself. "Ah! Help, I have fallen and cannot get up!"

Tassiter finally acknowledged the droids with a roll of his eyes. He waved a hand at the other two mistakes. "Take it away." He commanded, gesturing to the fallen Claptrap.

They all breathed easier for the removal of the truly incompetent robots. As Turner regained control of his temper, and his smile, he looked at the machine bemused. "What is it?"

"So glad you asked, Mr. Turner!" A voice called out through an echo recorder, strapped to the machine. It then projected the hologram, of one of their employees, wearing... a mask of his face?

"John?" Tassiter recognized him immediately, his surprise only matched by his annoyance. "What are you-"

"Harold, Harry boy, how many times do I have to tell you?" The hologram cut him off, making Turner's smile a tad more genuine. "It's Jack, why don't you try reading the nameplate? Oh, I'm sorry, that was insensitive. I know reading's a challenge for you." Jack mocked him relentlessly.

To Turner's growing amusement, Tassiter's face turned scarlet. "How dare-?!"

"Tassy seriously, I'd love to play twenty questions with you, but the grownups are talking right now." Jack interrupted. Turner was starting to like this one.

"You have our attention." Turner spoke amused, for the three of the board members.

"Well I for one am thrilled." Jack commented cheerfully, completely ignoring Tassiter. "And might I add that it's such an honor to speak to the three of you."

"Lawrence De Quidt, the man behind the machines." Jack complimented their head of artificial intelligences.

Lawrence didn't respond, he merely basked in the praise, like the narcissist he was.

"Alma Harren," He continued, turning his attention to their weapon designer. "The mercenary who couldn't miss, any chance I could pay you to aim at Tassiter?" He questionly jokes, though he waited for her reaction

Alma had a small, smug smile, and gave a joke in return. "It would cost more than your salary could afford."

"Of course." Jack agreed with a small chuckle, before facing him. "And Mr. Turner-"

"Flattery will get you nowhere, if you're trying to interest me Jack." He interrupted with his own, scary smile. "You've been a… welcome distraction, but nevertheless, still a distraction. Please, speak your piece."

"All too happy to, sir." Jack complied. "Mr. Tassiter if you managed to listen to him past the first five minutes, raised a damn good point. Hyperion's fallen behind, now it's not our fault, it's not even Atlas's. It's the Vaults."

Jack paused for dramatic effect, and leaned down closer to them, placing his holographic hands on the table. "What Tassiter wants us to do is play their game. He wants us to waste Hyperion resources looking for a Vault, without a clue where to go. Well you wanna hear what I have to say?"

He shot up off the table. "Screw THAT!" He yelled, startling all of them. "Let Atlas and Dahl, and all the other schmucks out there dogpile each other, looking for them. And when the time comes, we'll use them as a stepping stone to open our own."

Everyone's eyes were on him now, Lawrence looked at Jack with admiration in his eyes. Alma seemed impressed, and even Turner was intrigued. Tassiter was practically fuming, but he went ignored. "In the meantime, we offer the people something the Vaults can't."

"Like what, John?!" Tassiter spat.

Jack only grinned, before his hologram disappeared. The echo recorder he left transmitted the rest of his message. "Handsome Jack, on behalf of Hyperion, introduces you to-" And before anyone could react, the machine sounded and Jack- Handsome Jack appeared in the conference room.

He smiled smugly, straightened his hair, and crossed his arms. "The Fast Travel." He finished smoothly. He turned one final time to Maxim Turner. "So, tell me Mr. Turner, are you interested now?"

Maxim Turner's impossibly wide smile grew a bit larger at that.

...
​

I reappeared on the other side of the Fast Travel and struggled to steady my breathing. That was the most nerve wracking- most terrifying thing I had ever done.

But even still I couldn't stop smiling.

All that confidence, everything I just did, it had to be Jack. In my old life, if I had talked that way about my boss, with only a decent product to show for it, I'd have been out a job faster than you could say "Severance check?"

But here, in this life…

Let's just say I don't think it'll be too long before I'm running the show. All I gotta do is get Tassiter out of the picture. I'd like to do it without killing him but given the things he'd done. It wouldn't eat away at my conscience.

"How'd it go?!" Angel, my little miracle worker asked me excitedly.

I tried to kill my smile but couldn't so I looked away. And at a glance I could tell she was getting worried. I kneeled down and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Angel," I said with fake sadness, while she was getting concerned. "They loved it!" I continued happily, hugging her tightly.

"Dad!" She started to complain but my joy was infectious, and pretty soon she hugged me back. "I knew you could do it."

"Darling, I've probably said this about a million times, but I'll say it again. I couldn't have done any of this without you." I remind her sincerely.

"I love you, dad." She said lovingly.

"I love you too, Angel." I ruffle her hair a bit. "C'mon, let's go home."

And as we walked out of the office, I made sure to grab a file I left Angel in charge of, my literal game changer. You see, for the narrative purposes in Borderlands, the New-U wasn't cannon. It didn't exist. Which is why Roland, and Handsome Jack, and who knows how many others, died permanently.

But with a little innovation, and a lot of money, I might make a couple of changes.

The New-U sponsored by Handsome Jack!

I like the sound of that…

...​

A/N

I was so excited to make an immortality machine way back when I originally drafted this chapter. But I ended up not doing that for narrative reasons. The plot loses some of the punch where there aren't some stakes on the line.

Hope you all enjoyed! Stay tuned in tomorrow to read the next chapter. Or check the fic out on FFN, where I have up to thirty-six chapters for you to read through, right now. And if that isn't enough for you, you can also check out my Patreon, where I'm all the way up to forty-one chapters!

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 4 Off The Bus, Onto The Poop Train

So… yeah. The uh, the New-U machines they're… they're just not gonna happen.

I tried.

I really tried, but it's just not gonna happen. Like, actually bringing people back to life, that's just not feasible. After the first ten to twelve times I experimented with the tech on ratches, thankfully while Angel was at school, I just gave up on it.

Then I thought okay, what if it acted like a Fast Travel, moving you just before you died. That got me pretty excited, so I tried it out on the ratches again.

The result? They died a couple of feet away.

So, I tried it again, but added a feature that would cause you to be injected with insta-heals, after you come out of the teleportation. And you what insta-heals do right?

They're pain killers, and blood injections. That's it.

So, after two years of dabbling, scientific experimentation, and a lot of ratch corpses, I finally conceded defeat.

It was worth a try, but it's just not gonna happen.

Probably for the best, if I actually did make it, Hyperion would've just used it to throw an unkillable army of soldiers at our competitors. And after a couple of years of that, they would have eventually found out how to do it too. Which would cause a never-ending war.

So yeah, it's for the best.

Still a little peeved though, the board still wanted me to come up with something new, so I just gave them the Quick Change. It literally only took me two days to do that, and there was almost no drawback to it.

If only though, right?

Ah well, I'm on my second life anyway, I shouldn't push my luck.

Still, it was worth a shot. Although maybe I could add like a fall recall to the Fast Travel? So, I won't be killed by heights, that could work...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean ratch corpses out of my lab.

...​

"Okay Angel, you found them?" I asked her excitedly. This was it! The big day, I've had my eye on the Vault Hunters for a while, and they should be making their way to Fyrestone any minute now.

I sent a satellite before their shuttle arrived. And since I've been on the Board's approval for the last two years I didn't need to worry about Tassiter.

"Yes, they should be arriving in Fyrestone shortly." Angel paused for a moment. "Are you sure you want to greet them personally?"

"Absolutely." I answer, as I brush my hair a bit, and straighten my clothes. "It's always important to make a good first impression."

Speaking of, let's check the gear. Awesome badass wrist lasers, check. Digi-Jacks, check. My "Handsome" mask face, check. And finally, out of that God-awful regulation gear, and back into the classic Jack jacket, and the styling brown vest over my Hyperion yellow shirt.

I could see the bus approaching already. "Show time, Angel. You already got in contact with them, right?"

"Yes, they'll know to expect you." She informed me.

"Awesome, I'll keep you posted, love you." I told her practically shaking in excitement.

"Love you too." Angel says, before we cut the feed. Okay, c'mon Jack, we're ready for this, we've got it!

The bus pulls in, and I take a few calming breaths, to get my confidence ready. I vaguely hear Marcus on his bus. "... I'm sure we'll be doing this all again soon enough. Haha… get off my bus." He finished a little rudely, in a really Russian accent.

That's when I see them, the Vault Hunters.

Roland's the first off the bus, he surveyed Pandora calmly, assessing it for any threats. Lilith is the next to follow, confident, eager, as far as Siren's go she was pretty impressive, even now. Mordecai followed after, looking a little ridiculous in his mask, with Bloodwing, hanging on his shoulder.

Then there was Brick, he's what I imagined most people would look like if they had steroid stuffed steaks, chased down with protein shakes for breakfast. Then they went to bench press pickup trucks. Brick's pretty buff is what I'm saying.

"Hey there, Vault Hunters." I greeted the four. "Welcome to Pandora."

...​

The first thought that came to Lilith's mind upon meeting their employer, was that he was pretty handsome. "Was" being the key term, the mask was a little unsettling. But he seemed okay, so far.

"Hey." Brick greeted warmly, in his pretty deep voice. "You Jack?"

"I go by Handsome Jack." He said nonchalantly. "But yup, that's me."

"So, you're the person paying us to find the Vault?" Roland asked, straight to business. "Mind if I ask why?"

"Simple, Atlas and Dahl, as you probably know have had a pissing match over this planet so long, that the only crap it has left in abundance is lunatics, and predators. That's the kind of stuff my company can't deal with, but you guys can." Jack explained.

"So, what, amigo?" Mordecai asked in his Truxican accent. "You're paying us to do Hyperion's dirty work?

"More or less." Jack admittedly shamelessly. "Not like anyone from Hyperion would be much help. Present company excluded. Besides, isn't this what you came here to do? Hunt a Vault?"

"We didn't come here to hunt it for someone else." Lilith remarked, getting Jack's attention on her.

"Fair enough." He shrugged, before pointing at her. "You came here looking for answers."

He pointed at Roland. "You came here to make a difference." Jack moved onto Mordecai. "You came here to get rich, and you." Jack looked at Brick. "You came to Pandora to beat up Jimmy, your preschool bully."

They all got a laugh out of that, Brick the loudest of them all.

Handsome Jack waited for them to calm down a bit before continuing. "Everything you've come here for, I can almost guarantee the Vault can't help you with. But maybe I can."

"How?" Lilith asked him suspiciously.

Jack turned back to her. "Those answers you're looking for, I got most of them right here." He emphasized with a tap to his head. "You aren't gonna find a better expert on Siren's this side of the galaxy." He claimed proudly, crossing his arms.

"Prove it." Lilith tested him, crossing her own arms.

Handsome Jack smirked and spoke like he had practiced it at his rehearsal, even waving an arm for dramatic effect. "There are only six Sirens in existence at any point in time. Typically, female, but always identifiable by the marks covering the left side of their body. These seemingly magical warriors possess their own unique power, you in particular inherited the Phasewalk ability."

Lilith felt astonished. "How did you-"

"Let's just say I've got a vested interest in Sirens and leave it at that." Jack cut her off, waving the question away. "As for how I know about your power specifically, I always do background checks."

Lilith blinked. "Okay…"

"As for you two." Jack directed his attention to Brick and Roland. "Let's be real, you two wanna fight! You want to do something I've wanted to do my entire life, clean up Pandora." He admitted admiringly.

Brick chuckled sheepishly, rubbing his neck from behind, and inadvertently flexing muscles on top of muscles. Roland's serious face didn't change, but Jack had his attention. "And you'll help us do it?"

"Every step of the way!" Handsome Jack exclaimed proudly. "You think I came to this crap hole to watch?" He smirked at their surprised reactions. "This is on my vacation time, so heck yeah! Let's kill some bad guys."

"My man!" Brick agreed cheerfully, stretching his hand for a fist bump that Jack happily gave. Even Roland had a small twitch of a smile.

"Moving on to the other masked man, and his uh, better half." Jack teased Mordecai, who took it in stride. "The most popular reason for hunting a Vault, money!" He cheered before looking more solemn and gestured them all to come closer.

Lilith and the others hesitantly approached him as he sighed and continued. "I hate to break this to you fellas, I really do. But that Vault you're looking for? Empty." He confessed to their shock. "Well, not empty." Jack elaborated. "Just no treasure, loot, or information. It's got a monster though, a really nasty thing the Eridians called The Destroyer."

Roland was the first to speak up, as they were all still reeling. "How do you know this?" He asked demandingly.

Handsome Jack shrugged. "I've been looking into the Vaults for a long time, believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

Mordecai was the next to recover, pointing a finger accusingly at Jack. "Why do you even want it, then? If there's no reward-"

Jack held up a hand. "I didn't say there was no reward." He waited for everyone to allow him to continue. "Just no treasure, and there's not, but Vaults aren't really like opening up a prize. They're more like dominoes, knock one down and suddenly there's this chain reaction."

He looked at them and shrugged apologetically. "We take out The Destroyer, there'll be a payoff, but when you're working with Vaults, you need to play things long term."

Roland gazed at Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai and turned back to Handsome Jack. "We weren't planning on doing this long term."

Jack nodded. "Fair enough, so work with me." He offered. "And once we crack that Vault open, I'll give you each a million, and have you recognized as the ones who helped me do it." He threw an amused glance at Bloodwing. "I'll even throw in half a million for the bird."

Bloodwing preened at the attention, and Mordecai looked a lot happier. "Okay, Amigo." He offered his hand to Jack, who shook it firmly. "I'm in."

"Hell yeah!" Brick agreed enthusiastically.

"Sign me up." Roland accepted bluntly.

Lilith was the last one left, and they all turned their attention to her. She crossed her arms, before giving a small smirk, and offered her hand to Jack. He shaked it, but before he could pull away, she pulled him close with her other hand. "Just so you know, if you're lying…" She trailed off amused.

"My face probably won't be the only thing that needs to be covered up?" Handsome Jack suggested with a wry smile.

Lilith chuckled. "More or less." She let him go, giving him a more genuine smile.

"Well then, I'll try not to disappoint." He flirted with a wink. Jack took a few steps back and outstretched his arms. "So, let's get started, huh? Need to get you badasses settled at the Quick Change." He turned, pointing a finger to the station just a few feet away.

"So…" Brick started, as they made their way to the Quick Change. "What's up with the mask?"

"It's a bit personal, but long story short, a couple years ago a bandit and his turret got the drop on me. I could've either gotten plastic surgery or the mask, insurance was crap, so they picked the mask." Jack explained casually.

"Ever think of just getting the surgery?" Lilith asked curiously, a bit confused why someone would want to wear a mask for the rest of their life.

"You know I did, but it grew on me." Jack remarked. "Like, literally. I'm actually pretty worried about what'll happen if I try to take it off."

"How are we supposed to check in?" Roland asked professionally. Glancing at the Quick Change strangely.

"It's super simple, you got your ECHOs?" Handsome Jack asked them, only to be met with blank stares. "So, uh, you don't have ECHOs. Right, well no problem. I'll just-"

"Helllloooo Travelers!" A yellow box looking robot interrupted him, rolling up to the assembled Vault Hunters in greeting. "Welcome to Fyrestone!" It exclaimed joyfully.

Jack looked down and pinched the bridge of his - mask nose? - and groaned. "Claptrap, great." He mumbled sarcastically.

"Gasp!" The now named Claptrap actually said gasp. "You know who I am?! And you think meeting me is "great"?!" It exclaimed cheerfully.

Lilith had to double take at the robot's genuine wonder. She could visibly see Handsome Jack fighting the urge to shout at it. Instead he settled for a frustrated sigh, and an overly dramatic eye roll. "Yeah, sure whatever. Now if you don't mind, I have to hook these Vault Hunters up with some ECHO-"

"I don't mind at all!" Claptrap yelled joyously. "In FACT, I can help!" Claptrap then proceeded to hand out ECHO devices, and heads-up displays, to the four of them. "Please accept these ECHO communication devices, and heads-up displays! Free of charge by the Dahl corporation!"

"Oh, that's uh." Jack looked genuinely shocked. "Thanks Claptrap. Now that you got your ECHOs you can- wait a minute." He turned back to the robot while the rest of them went to check in, although Lilith lagged behind to watch the show. "Dahl Corporation?! You're a Hyperion manufactured robot!"

"Oh, right." Claptrap twiddled his mechanical limbs and shifted a little guilty. "Wellll, the thing about that is-" Claptrap continued to ramble, as Jack tried to control his temper.

He eventually breathed out and turned back to them. "Okay, it's fine. Everything's fine, are you guys settled? Good, now lets out to Fyrestone, see if we can find some-"

"Bandits!" Claptrap screamed terrified.

Handsome Jack turned back to the machine, his patience tested yet again. "No, not bandits. WHY would we be looking for…" He paused as he saw what Claptrap pointed at. "Bandits."

Four Bandit Technicals charged past them, shooting their way to Fyrestone. "The poop train will run brown with their blood!" A psycho proudly shouted from the steering wheel.

'Poop train?' Lilith gagged to herself quietly. Looking back at her employer's dumbfounded face. She could tell he was just as disgusted. "You might want to stay back, this is gonna get a little messy."

"Actually," Jack objected, coming back too. "I think killing some bandits would be pretty therapeutic, right now." Cracking his knuckles, and flexing his wrist lasers, he turned back to face them. "Who's ready to be a hero?"

...​

Author's note: For the people who read them.

Another day, another chapter. I am determined to post daily until I get this site caught up with FFN and SB, but after that, it'll be updated weekly. If you want to read ahead, you're more than welcome to check me out over there. And if you still want to read ahead past that, you can always check out my Patreon.

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 5 Fyrestone, What a Pain

I hate Pandora.

It was a world designed to try and kill you in the most horrific and painful way possible. And if it wasn't the monsters who got you first...

"Joohhn~." My grandma called for me, in a musical tone.

Then it was them. The bandits.

"John." She repeated herself, much less amused.

I've been hiding from her for six hours now, she finally began to lose her patience. She usually loved this game. Hide and seek, and when she found me, she'd beat me bloody. Maybe smack me around with her buzz axe.

But today, she wasn't happy. Because for once, in my entire life, I was going to win. I was going to escape. I've been planning it for months, and now it's finally here, the window of opportunity. But it all hinges on today, because if I don't take it now, it may never open again.

"Get out here! NOW!" Oh, I'm planning to, Grandma.

In my hands, I held a makeshift stun rod. I made it out of some of the crap that gets tossed out here in the Eridium Blight. It'd be good for one hit, but then I'm shit out of luck. I haven't used it yet, I need to make it count.

That's why I'm still hiding, if I ever wanted to get out of this hell hole of a planet, I'd need some cash to get by. Not much a kid could do out here to get their hands on some. Atlas wouldn't share, and the only way you'd get money from a bandit, is if you were the one beating them.

So, that's the plan.

One good swing, and its lights out Grandma, you psychopath.

After that… I'm getting the hell off Pandora. There's a transport to Tantalus, I'll hop on, and improvise from there. I never met him, but I heard dad had some family there. Doubt I'll get a warm welcome, but they can't be any worse than her.

"Enough, John! You show your face right now, or I'll-" She threatened as she walked just past my hiding spot.

I jumped out from behind her, startling her. "I told you," I reminded her, while she was still reeling from shock. To then literally, reel from shockas I got a good hit on her. "It's Jack."

I looted her, and ran, never looking back. I promised myself that day, that if I ever came back to Pandora, it would be to burn it all down.

Fucking bandits.

...​

I don't know if it was Jack's feeling or mine, but as I and the Vault Hunters tore our way through the bandits. I didn't feel any guilt about killing them. I actually enjoyed it, strangely enough, I didn't seem to mind for once.

"Did you see that?!" Brick celebrated, as he literally punched a bandit's head off.

At least I'm in good company.

"It's okay Claptrap. The Travelers will protect you, the travelers will protect you." Claptrap repeated to himself frantically, in his annoying digital voice.

Annnd not so good company.

I mentally rolled my eyes, at the robot, before turning my attention to the others. Brick was practically the Hulk, pulverizing his opponents in a mixture of rage, muscle, and sweat.

Mordecai played it cool, dropping the bandits one by one, with one shot each, and had Bloodwing draw them out when they weren't in his line of fire.

Roland looked every bit the soldier he used to be. Side by side with his turret, and behind it, he shredded his way through the horde of bandits, never once easing up. As for Lilith… wow.

I've seen Angel use her powers before, helped her practice more times than I could count, but I've never seen anything like this. One second she was there, the next she's behind the bandits, blasting them off their feet, and kicking them while they're down.

It was… pretty hot.

I blink the thought away and focus on killing my section of bandits. I subconsciously grew a smug grin and the bandits backed up. I cracked my knuckles and unleashed a beam of lasers on the poor, unsuspecting bandits.

They screamed and tried to escape but fell over themselves onto a dogpile of dead bodies. I smirked and blew on my wrist lasers like I was in the wild, wild west.

"Hooray! We did it!" Claptrap claimed, exiting his hiding spot after we beat back the first section of bandits. "That sure was a doozy, huh guys?" He raised his hand for a high five that nobody returned.

"Dad." Angel scolded me on our private channel.

I rolled my eyes, before offering the annoying robot my hand, sadly slapping his mechanical limb and not his mechanical face. I'm gonna call Claptrap him now, by the way, it's so much harder to think of these things as an it, when they just have so much… personality.

"Thank you." Angel said cutely, before leaving again.

"Right." I said to both of them. "Now, onto the task at hand. Bandit's aren't gone yet, and we're not gonna get any help from the locals if they're dead. So," I clapped my hands together. "Let's get moving."

"No problem!" Claptrap agreed happily. We reached the second gate to the town and saw that the controls got damaged. "Don't worry, friends! I am a CL4P- TP, we were made to open doors!" He explained cheerfully. "In the meantime, why don't you open that storage device? There may be something inside to help against those bandits."

I waved Lilith to go ahead. I already had my wrist lasers, and the Digi-Jacks if I needed them. Besides those loot crates mostly had crap weapons anyway. Lilith just shrugged and went ahead.

"Hey guys, found some ammo." She mentioned to the others, Roland and Mordecai moving up to reload, and restock. Brick was fine, because of the aforementioned punching strategy. "Jack, you sure you don't want this? It's not bad for a beginner."

I felt a little offended at that. "Woah, I am not a beginner." I defended myself. "I just don't need guns. My wrist lasers do all the work."

Lilith raised an eyebrow and grew a small smirk. "If you say so… you know, it is a pretty good gun."

I crossed my arms. "I'm fine."

"Sure." She said smugly.

"I mean it."

"I believe you."

I frowned, and hesitated. "Is it Hyperion?" I asked.

She took a second to check the logo. "Yup."

Screw it… I sighed and raised my hands for a catch. "Okay, toss it here."

Lilith made to throw it, but paused at the last second, and her smirk grew a little wider. She casually approached me with a sway in her step. "What do we say?" She teased.

I groan, and look to the heavens, before bringing my head back down to mutter my response. Lilith put a hand around her ear, as if trying to hear clearer, but her smile betrayed her body language. "A little louder, handsome?"

I sighed. "Can I please have the gun?"

Lilith chuckled and handed it to me, patting my mask shortly "Good boy."

I heard snickering and turned to see the other three Vault Hunters watching. I gave them a glare, before quickly replying. "Shut up."

Mordecai raised his hands in surrender, stifling his laughter before he spoke. "I didn't say anything, amigo."

I pointed at him accusingly. "You were thinking it." I said, for which he had no rebuttal, other than an amused smile.

"Yup! This definitely isn't going to work." Claptrap states annoyed yet still sounding cheerful.

Claptraps are so useless.

"Cool." I remark sarcastically. "Well genius, is there another way inside?"

Claptrap looks up to me thrilled. "Genius?! No one's ever called me that before!" He taps his "head" in contemplation. "I know! There's a secret side entrance, we can take that! Follow meeeee!" He cheered, rolling away waving his metal arms.

I quietly groan in frustration, before turning the others. "You head him, let's do what Claptrap says." I instructed before facepalming. "God, I can't believe I just said that."

We quickly follow that rolling abomination into the town of Fyrestone, where we encountered the bandits within. I decided I'd give that new gun a try. Quickly drawing it off my hip I aim at the closest bandit…

And miss. Thankfully, I hit the explosive barrel right behind him, so everyone else was just really impressed. 'Dammit.' I thought, displeased with my aim. 'Okay, Jack. Try again, just like we practiced.' This time I take a breath, aim for one's chest, and fire.

"That was my favorite gun!" The bandit cried in despair, after I accidentally shot into its barrel.

Oh, come on!

Lilith popped up behind him, and blasted him down, where he landed lying down next to me. Well, can't miss point blank, right? I went for his right eye, and instead got his left.

Meh, close enough.

Lilith seemed impressed. "Nice shooting, Tex." She complimented, as a bandit tried to sneak up behind her.

I shook my head and raised my gun. "It's Jack, Lil." I reminded her, aiming for the bandit behind her. Bang, and actually hitting where I wanted this time. "Handsome Jack."

She glowed and got ready for a punch, and me remembering what that did to the last Jack, hastily dodged. And Lilith hit the bandit behind me. "I'll remember that, handsome." She remarked flirtatiously, walking away with a sway in her step.

I tore my eyes away from her and coughed. Looking around, I saw that the fighting had pretty much died down. "Great work, everybody. Knew I made the right choice when I hired you. So, uh, let's check up on the locals, yeah?" I asked, while Claptrap rolled up to Dr. Zed's residence.

"Of course, sir!" Claptrap agreed joyously, under some strange assumption I was speaking to him. He knocked on Dr. Zed's door. "Attention citizens of Fyrestone! There is no cause for alarm. These new visitors have resolved the problem!"

"Well shoot, I thought I was a goner that time!" Dr. Zed responded through the door, relieved and in his old southern accent. "Damn bandits won't leave us alone. Had to lock this place up tight. I'll let you in." He paused.

"... Come on!" Zed shouted frustrated. "Damn it. Blasted circuits are on the fritz again. Give it a go from the switch out there, would you?" He asked kindly.

I looked at the others and saw they were busy gathering loot, and ammo. "Yeah, don't everyone jump at once, it's fine I can do it." I muttered to myself a little annoyed, as I flipped the switch.

"Amazing job, sir!" Claptrap complemented, actually impressed by the act of flipping a switch.

"Thank you, Claptrap." I said reluctantly. "It's nice to be appreciated."

The garage opened and I and the Vault Hunters made our way inside. "Thanks, fer openin' her up again." Dr. Zed told us gratefully.

"You're welcome." I remarked before I introduced us to the (not so good) doctor. "I'm Handsome Jack, the big guy's Brick, and the guy allergic to smiling is Roland. The bird guy is Mordecai, the bird-bird is Bloodwing, and the girl who can probably kick all of our asses is Lilith." I introduce, getting a few chuckles, and a few looks.

I heard a digitalized cough and turned around. I sighed before adding. "And that's Claptrap, I assume you've met."

"Sadly, yes." Dr. Zed glancing at the mechanical monstrosity. He offered his hand and I shook it, with the mental note to wipe the blood off my hand later. "Name's Zed, they don't let me cut on folks anymore since I lost my license. So, now I keep the med vendors 'round here up and running."

"Uh, think we're fine." I stated, checking on my group for any injuries, but it looked like they were okay. "Still, good to have a backup plan, what do your machines have?"

Dr. Zed thought for a moment before he answered. "Well, from the vendors you can buy all the healin' you could ever want from a real doc… thankfully without the "Vault is a myth, you'll get yourself killed" lecture.

"I like the sound of that." I said encouragingly. "Is it cheap?"

Dr. Zed shrugged. "Cheaper than a real doc."

"Sold!"

...​

"So, listen Doc," Jack started off, putting a hand on the not-doctor's shoulder. "The five of us are looking for the Vault. And I think some of you locals might have an idea or two where it is."

Say what you would about her new boss, he knew how to appeal to people. Dr. Zed looked a bit troubled. "Vault Hunters, huh? Well I ain't very happy to tell you this, but I don't got a clue."

"That's fine." Jack reassured him, unconcerned. "But I bet you know someone who might." He pointed out, leadingly.

Dr. Zed hesitated but after a few seconds spoke up. "Tell you what outside of Fyrestone, just past the gate and across the road, you'll find a few skag dens. Some nasty, four legged creatures that'll eat anything, including you." Dr. Zed told them all.

"And?" Lilith asked, bored. She's handled her fair share of them by now, they weren't much of a problem.

"And I wanna know if you can handle yourself in a fight against some of these beasts, so head on an out and kill some of 'em for me. If you're still in one piece then c'mon back." Dr. Zed explained briefly.

"Sounds good, doc!' Jack agreed, patting him on the back. "Trust me, these guys are badasses, it won't take too long."

"That's great! Once you get back, we can spend so much time together! Please follow me, and I'll open the gate!" Claptrap cheered, already rolling to the main entrance.

"Wait, what?" Jack took notice in drawing horror. "No, no no no, that's not necessary." He struggled in vain, as we followed the robot to the gate.

"I insist." Claptrap argued. "I can't just leave my new best friends here all alone. Just think of all the cool things we can do together! We could fly kites or sing karaoke! Oh! We could go dancing! It'll be so fun, and everyone will be super happy!"

Lilith thought it would have sounded almost endearing if it wasn't so annoying. Thankfully, Claptrap was interrupted as a trio of Bandit Technicals, swerved by the main gate. They unloaded some bandits and shot Claptrap with a rocket.

She now had mixed feelings on the bandits.

That quickly changed after they began shooting at her. Almost immediately she began to use Phasewalk, sneaking up behind them to unleash bolts upon bolts electricity. The others began firing at them, except Brick. He just kicked them, really, really hard.

Jack fiddled with his echo device a bit and got Dr. Zed on speaker. "Zed, what's with all the bandits around here? We just cleared them out."

"Uhh, yup, looks like you got on Nine-Toes bad side, don't worry, he'll get his." Dr. Zed called over to them on Jack's echo.

"You did it! I knew you could. Oh…! That poor little robot needs our help. Would you kindly give him a hand? " Angel sympathetically requested of them, on her strange method of communication.

"Okay, I'm not just going crazy, right?" Lilith had to ask. "You guys can see her too?"

"Everyone can see her." Jack reassured her. "Of course, I'm not sure that means you aren't crazy…"

Lilith playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Ass. But seriously, you know who she is?"

"Yeah, she works with me." He explained, to receive a round of shock once more. "Is that really a surprise? I had a little talent scouting before I went recruiting, think I mentioned that before."

"So, what is she?" Roland asked, curious. "An AI or some sort of advanced mainframe?"

Handsome Jack waved his hand in a kinda, sorta way, before shrugging. "Eh, close enough, I made her a long time ago, and she's been helping me out for a while. Of course, she's not really a machine to me, not like this guy anyway." He reminded everyone with a small kick to Claptrap.

Claptrap whines in pain, reaching an arm up to the digital heavens. "I can see the code. It's so amazing"

"I should probably check on him now, shouldn't I?" Jack asked, looking displeased.

"Only if you want to open the gate." Lilith pointed out cheekily.

Jack groaned. "Fine, just give me a second." He tinkered with Claptrap for a moment, inspecting many of his parts carefully.

"That little robot is hurt. He isn't going to last very long without attention. Why don't you look around for something to fix him up?" Angel suggested, worried

"On my God, I'm leaking! I think I'm leaking! Aaahhh, I'm leaking! There's oil everywhere." Claptrap screams pitifully, rolling around theatrically on the ground.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Calm down, you'll be fine. Hey Lil, think you could grab a repair kit, for me? So, we can, you know? Leave."

Lilith chuckled. "I'm on it."

She left to pick one she saw left on a bench a couple of houses down, and heard Brick ask in the background. "How about us, boss, what can we do?"

"You know much about robotic engineering?" Jack asked him curiously.

"Nope." Brick answered bluntly.

"Then just stand there and look pretty, big guy."

Brick laughed. "You got it, boss."

Lilith smirked to herself, as she came back with the repair kit. Jack spotted her and gave a playful applause as she lifted it up victorious. "Lo and behold, the conquering hero, sent to fetch the mechanical holy grail. A thousand blessings upon her and her name, and may she forever, yadda, yadda, yadda. Gimme." He requested after he finished playing around.

"Alas, I have done all I can." Lilith bemoaned teasingly, handing Jack the kit. "I now leave it in your hands, dear wizard. Heal him in your uh, sorcerous ways."

"I aim to, Lady Lilith." He retorted, opening the kit, and began the repairs. He tightened a few screws, replaced some burnt wiring, and judiciously applied a little duct tape. Soon enough, Claptrap is back on his feet- or rather his wheel.

"Whew! Good as new! I think… Am I leaking?" Claptrap asks curiously, but not worried.

"You're fine." Handsome Jack deadpans. "Now Claptrap, can you please open the gate.

"Okay! Thank you again, my friend." Claptrap gets a little emotional at the end, clearly mortifying Jack as he tries to give him a hug.

Jack does his best to refuse, but is forced to reluctantly accept it, to the Vault Hunters growing amusement. "Yeah, don't mention it. Seriously, don't." As Claptrap leaves, Jack takes a second to contact his ally. "You happy, Angel?" He asks a bit bitterly.

"Yes, thank you." Angel answered genuinely if a bit smugly.

Handsome Jack must have heard it too. "You know, one of these days, you're gonna ask me for something, and I'm gonna say no."

"Oh, really." Angel questions him challengingly, and amused.

"It could happen." Jack defends himself, weakly. "Nevermind, let's just go."

Claptrap opens the gate and celebrates with dancing. "Thank you for visiting Fyrestone! Farewell travelers, friends and be sure to say 'hello' to all the friendly Claptraps that await you on Pandora!" He sends them off cheerfully. "I shall now continue my fascinating research on the wondrous properties of sand!"

"Oh, that friggin dance directive." Jack muttered annoyed. "When I'm running Hyperion, I'm wiping that function off of every single machine. Seriously, was De Quidt high when he made that?"

"Who?" Mordecai asked, glancing over at Jack.

He just sighed. "Forget it, doesn't matter. C'mon, let's go kill the skags, so Zed can give us a lead or something."

They headed out past the gates, and sure enough just across the road, there were three skag dens. Lilith really wondered how these people got any visitors. Five skags in particular didn't look so happy to see them.

"Don't worry," Mordecai aimed his rifle, Bloodwing taking to the skies. "We got this." He fired five precise shots, waiting for Bloodwing to get them where he wanted them. They fell down, with strange snarls, and a loud thud. Then Mordecai brought up his Echo. "How 'bout it? Are we good?"

"Yup, that ought to do it. Come on back!" Dr. Zed replied.

"Nice work, bird guy." Brick congratulated him. Mordecai stared at him for a second, and he added. "You too Bloodwing." Mordecai continued to stare.

"Yeah, that's the downside with masks, huh?" Handsome Jack taunted. "Hard to glare at people. Well for you anyway." He corrected, with a wave to his own mask. "My mask can show expressions just fine. Look!" He smiled smugly. "You see that? It's-ow!"

Jack was interrupted, by Bloodwing taking a nip at his finger, this time with Mordecai smiling. "Yeah, pendejo. Looks like pain."

Jack made to argue but sighed. "Fair enough, let's go get our reward, yeah?"

...​

"I guess those skags didn't give you much trouble, eh? You clearly know who to handle a gun, that's good, real good. You're gonna need it, 'cause I've got somethin' else for you to help me with." Dr. Zed complimented us, before pointing us towards another job.

I honestly don't remember these missions feeling so tedious. "Cool, you know who else could use some help? US!" I reminded him, getting a little frustrated.

Dr. Zed waved his hand, as if they would dispel my worries. Maybe he thought it would, he wasn't exactly a great doctor. "I know, I know you're looking for the Vault, but I told you, I don't know where it is."

"But you know who does." I point out, feeling a tad annoyed at the repetitiveness.

"I know who might." Dr. Zed corrected, rubbing his forehead. "That bandit chief who's been giving you folk some trouble, he's been bragging lately about how his boss found a Vault Key."

I took a few calming breaths. "Okay, that's helpful. Where's his boss?" I ask more politely.

Dr. Zed shrugged. "I dunno."

I was instantly annoyed and frowned again. "Don't give me that, you told us these bandits have been giving you trouble for a while. You never looked into leadership?"

"I picked up on a few things here and there, but I only really paid attention when they came to bother Fyrestone personally." He defended himself.

"Okay, fine. But his boss is here, right?" I asked, indicating the Arid Badlands.

Dr. Zed shrugged. "I dunno."

I was on the brink of exploding when Roland put a hand on my shoulder. "We'll just ask Nine-Toes." He assured me calmly, before turning to the Doctor. "Do you know where he is?"

Dr. Zed shook his head, but quickly added. "I know who does."

Roland nodded. "And where is he?"

"Just outside of town." Zed directed, pointing a finger. "But if you and your buddies want to get to him, you're gonna need a shield."

"I got one." I spoke up, as the rest of them just stood there, and I reluctantly offered. "I'll pay for their shields."

"Well that's awfully kind of ya." Dr. Zed praised, before kicking the Vending Machine in his garage. "Problem is, my vendor's broke, took a bullet during the raid. Good news is it just needs a power coupling."

I sighed. "And the bad news?" I asked cynically.

"Well, there's a vendor we can scavenge parts from, but the bad news is, it's down the road down the road east. With all the skags and bandits crawlin' out there, I haven't gone to get it, but if you can get those parts for me, I can fix 'er up in no time." He finished confidently.

I glanced at my assembled four-man army of badasses, and nevertheless felt the need to ask. "Do you guys have this?"

Brick cracks his knuckles, Roland cracks his neck, Mordecai cracks a smile, and Lilith cracks a wink. "Yeah, we got this."

"Okay." I take a second to admire them. "You guys get the power coupling." I instruct, before reaching into my pockets, and pulling out a small stack of hundreds, and casually toss it to Lilith, to her surprise. "And get yourselves something nice. I'll go find our "bandit expert"."

On that note, I left on my way to talk to T.K. Baha, not that they know that. Overall, it's been an easy day, but a trying one, so many repetitive tasks, I hate tutorials.

"Mr. Jack! Sir, you're back!" Claptrap happily exclaims, rolling up the second he spotted me.

I really hate tutorials.

...​

Surprise!

I know, I know.

Sorry for posting so much later than usual. I had a dentist appointment this morning, and after that, I pretty much forgot about it. I have thing thing called sellectice memory, which means I forget things pretty easily.

What was I talking about?

Oh, right!

Check me out at FFN, where you can read up to Chapter 50, where you can read up to Chapter 55.

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 6 Nine Toes, No Balls

Shut up.

"And we can go fishing, and hiking!"

Shut Up.

"And we can go camping, and we can go riding!"

Shut Up!

"And we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together!"

CLAPTRAP! For the love of God! SHUT THE F-

"Oh look, bandits!" I exclaim, almost relieved. They tried to surround us, grouping up dangerously, as Claptrap did the robot equivalent of hyperventilating.

"Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out." Claptrap repeated his priority mantra to himself nervously, as I charged up my wrist lasers. "Control your breathing, Claptrap."

"You don't breath!" I pointed out, frustrated at the mechanical menace. "It's the one advantage you have over us."

"Oh God, your right!" Claptrap screamed horrified. "I don't have any breath, I just have the recording of someone breathing! Damn my existential terror!"

Wait. "Where'd you get the recording of someone breathing? I asked, while the bandits politely waited for us to finish our conversation.

"Ummm, details aren't important. What matters is that we're both going to die!" Claptrap evades, while cowering behind me.

"Firstly, the details are super important, but I don't think I want to know." I retracted in hindsight. "And secondly," I mercilessly slaughter the bandits with my wrist lasers of death... I'm still workshopping the name. "No, we're not."

"Woah!" Claptrap, rolled out from behind me, poking the dead bandits. "You did it, you saved us! Now we can-"

"No!" I cut him off desperately.

"What?" He asked curiously.

"I uh, need you here to…" I look around for something to distract him, but the only thing around us are dead bandits. Dead bandits. "To bury the people… that I just killed."

Claptrap looked at the corpses, then back at me. "Why?" He asked dumbfounded.

"Claptrap!" I exclaimed in mock, outrage. "You surprise me! Were you really just going to leave these poor dead souls to rot in the sun or be left for the skags?!"

"Um No, sir!" Claptrap, eager to please, and also afraid to show that inside he really is just a soulless robot, quickly begins to move the bandits. "I'll start digging right away!"

I sigh in relief. "Yeah, you do that." I mutter, as I make my way up to T.K.'s shack.

"See you later!" Claptrap called back to him, triggering a shudder.

I need this day to be over with…

"You!" T.K. Baha, the crippled, blind old man shouted out at me aggressively, waving his shotgun menacingly. "One more step and it'll be your, heh last!" He broke up, laughing. "... You should have seen the look on your face!" He continued chuckling, all traces of anger gone.

"Hilarious." I deadpanned. "Nothing screams comedy like attempted murder."

"I'm sorry, don't get too many visitors up here anymore, bit out of practice." T.K. apologized sincerely, despite a few giggles. "Why don't you come over here and chat a while?" T.K offers kindly. "It's always nice for a fellow to have company!"

I rolled my eyes, not like he could tell, but sat down on a nearby chair. "Zed told me you knew where Nine-Toes is hiding out." I said, getting straight to business.

"Nine-Toes, huh? You after the bounty?" He asked, still interested in talking.

"It'd be a nice plus, but no. I'm looking for his boss."

"His boss?" T.K. checked his hearing, shocked. "Sledge? Now whatcha you want going after a guy like that?! Bounty ain't worth it." He warned me firmly.

"I'm not after his bounty, either." I remark unconcerned. "I heard he's got a Vault Key, can't open my Mercenary day's gift without it."

"Ohhh, you're a Vault Hunter." T.K. breathed out, relieved. "Thought a bunch of you were killed when Nine-Toes came to town."

"Some were, but I'm working with the best." I assured him. "Of course, that won't mean anything if I can't get that Vault Key. And I can't get the Vault Key if I can't get Sledge, who I can't get unless I can get Nine-Toes to talk. And since I can't even do that until I know where he is…"

"Well he's hold up in Skag Valley." T.K. finally told me. "I barricaded it a while back when the skags started actin' up. I had it rigged to blow though, in case I ever wanted to get back in."

I felt compelled to ask. "What's up with all the skags around here, anyway?"

T.K. shrugged. "It's Pandora, there's skags everywhere. Speaking of… I gave you that one for free, Nine-Toes is a problem for everyone." He tried to shift his face to where he heard my voice "But if somewhere down the line, you want another favor, there's something I'd like you to do for me."

"I'm pretty busy." I told him carefully. "But I'll keep it in mind."

...​

"Thanks for the help. You oughta use the machine to sell some things you don't need and buy First Aid Kits to use on the field." Dr. Zed suggested to them, in his southern drawl.

"No problem." Lilith accepted the praise, and the advice. "But this vendor better have something good. 'Cause I've finally got some pretty great spending cash."

"Try not to blow it all at once." Roland lectured, using his share wisely.

"Screw that!' Brick laughed off. "I'm getting the shiniest shield money can buy."

"Pretty sure shields aren't "shiny", amigo." Mordecai commented, amused. Bloodwing chirping on his shoulder in agreement.

"Well then you've never bought Hyperion." Handsome Jack noted, having finally made his presence known to the group.

"Jesus!" Zed jumped, before turning an angry glare. "How long have you been skulking about?"

Jack raised his hands in defense. "I just got back, had to deal with bandits, skags, and crazy people, but I'm pretty sure that's typical here."

"So, did you find out where Nine-Toes is hiding?" Roland asked, barely phased.

"I did." Jack answered. "Gear up, fellas. We're moving out to Skag Valley, which is exactly what it sounds like."

Lilith felt almost playful. "So, it's a Pandoran strip club/bar?

"Close!" Jack acknowledged. "It's actually a small little canyon filled with bandits, monsters, and the occasional rocks. But yeah, good guess."

Roland made to speak. "What's our-"

But Brick wanted to speak first. "Ooh, boss! Hey, boss!" He raised and waved his hand like an impatient kid in class.

Jack just looked at him in confusion, before waving him on. "Umm, yes, Brick, what is it?

"Can I make the plan?" He asked excitedly.

"The plan?"

"Yeah," Brick had a wide grin. "You know, the plan of attack."

"Plan of attack?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow. "We're fighting bandits on their turf, the plan is attack."

"You stole my idea!" Brick stated accusingly, giving Jack a pointed look.

Handsome Jack rolled his eyes. "How about this, big guy. You can be our interrogator." Jack offered.

"What do they do?" Brick asked, a little dumbly.

"They hit people who give me answers I don't like, until they give me answers I do like." Jack answered him partly sarcastically, but mostly serious.

Brick smiled. "Sounds fun!"

Mordecai had a concerned look, at least he seemed concerned. Lilith mentioned he wore a mask, right? "What if Nine-Toes doesn't talk?"

Jack shrugged nonchalantly. "Then we're shit out of luck." As the group gave him annoyed glares, he rolled his eyes and amended. "Then we'll try asking some of the other locals, again. Relax. And besides, Brick's the one asking." He gestured at the man, with a pointed thumb.

Mordecai glanced up at the large man, who gave the sniper a frightening grin. "Fair enough, amigo."

Lilith took a moment to contemplate their situation. They were outnumbered, outgunned, and fighting the bandits on their territory. Territory, that they've held against the settlers, skags, and even other bandits for a very long time.

She then took a moment to reexamine her group. An ex-lance with a turret, a sniper with a bird, a guy with a penchant for punching. Their boss, a narcissistic salary man, with big dreams, and a handsome face. And her, a half-trained Siren, who's managed to avoid more bullets than she shot.

Pretty bad odds.

For the bandits.

...​

'Knew I should have brought my car.' I bemoaned to myself, while walking even more, in the desert. This place was a nightmare. Why anyone would have wanted to settle this dust ball of a planet, without wild dreams of fortune, was a mystery to me.

Jack's AI was right, doesn't matter what state of being you're in, walking sucks.

"Are we there yet?" Brick was particularly vocal in his complaints.

"We'll be there, when we get there." Roland answered him, with a bit of annoyance creeping into his tone.

"I have sand, in places sand was not meant to go." Lilith informed us, looking extremely unhappy.

"Children! Do not make me turn this group around." I threaten jokingly, finally seeing the entrance in the distance. "And yes, we're almost there."

"Finally." Mordecai breathed out, relieved. I feel you buddy.

"It's barricaded." Roland noted with a frown.

"A little insurance policy, T.K., left." I told him, as I looked around for the fuse-pump, whatever those things were called. "Don't worry, he left us a present."

I found the switch a couple feet away and got ready to blow the blockage to kingdom come when a thought occurred to me. "You guys might want to back up." I warn, before carefully pushing the handle down.

"Wait!" Brick shouts, rushing up to me, quickly followed by the others.

"What?" I ask him, worried. "What is it?"

"I want to blow it up!" Brick told me giddy.

My only response was a blank stare. "Noted. Does anyone else want to-"

"Dibs." Lilith called quickly.

"Dibs?" Roland asked with a raised brow.

"Yeah, I called dibs. I get to blow it up." Lilith explained obviously, like everyone there hadn't heard of dibs.

Brick looked ready to fight, and sadly the friendly fire kind of fighting, so I played mediator. "Okay, everyone grab the handle, and we can all blow it up. Like a family."

Roland rolled his eyes, and Mordecai shrugged, but otherwise everyone seemed pretty content with the solution. We all grabbed the handle, and I gestured Brick to give the countdown. "One-!"

BOOOOOM!

Mordecai, Brick, Roland, and I all blink for a moment in confusion. Only for us to see Lilith walk away, with a sway in her step, and holding up two fingers in a peace sign. "I said dibs."

Brick seemed pretty bummed out, so I pat him on the back sympathetically. "Brick," I remind. "She did say dibs."

He gives a depressed sigh. "Yeah…"

"C'mon, let's go murder some bandits. That'll cheer you up!"

Brick gives me a small smile. "Okay."

I got a call from T.K., and against my better judgement, decided to answer. "Whooo! I heard that blast all the way over here! BAM!" T.K. laughs and cheers. "Time to give Nine-Toes a piece 'a that! I'm updating your ECHO system with his location. Come and see me once you put his bits to the grinder!"

"Ten-four, Teddy." I reply. I took a glance at the others... who already took off. "Oh, real mature guys!" I shouted angrily, as I sprinted to catch up.

They've already charged ahead guns blazing by the time I caught up to them. Brick was tearing a skag apart by the jaw… it was graphic. Roland had his turret cover him and Mordecai, as they took out some of the scouts further along the path.

I couldn't see Lilith anywhere, but given its Lilith, that's not a big surprise. "T.K. sent me the coordinates." I called to them, over the gunfire. Taking a few shots with the pistol, Lilith gave to me, back at Fyrestone. I propped myself down next to Roland and tapped him on the shoulder. "We'll need to get into that cave over there." I directed with a point of my finger.

"Understood." Roland acknowledged me, before easily returning fire on the bandits.

I frowned, still not spotting our invisible siren. "Where's Lilith?" I asked Mordecai, considering he's got the best eyes here. *Cough* Goggles *Cough*

I felt a hand grab my shoulder from behind, and almost jump out of cover. "Behind you." Lilith spoke amused. Why do people find so much joy in making me unhappy? I'm a nice guy, people should want to be nice to me.

"Ahem, right. So, we need to get to the-"

"The cave, I heard." She said, the smirk never leaving her face.

"Okay… that's good." I told her, while she just stood there staring at me. "Could you, uh, clear the way...please?"

Lilith chuckled. "He's learning." She mockingly whispered to Roland and Mordecai, before turning back to me. "This'll just take a second, handsome."

True to her word, it only took her a couple seconds to break the bandits out of their cover. Allowing Roland's turret to only take a few seconds to grind them up. All in all, it wasn't a long wait.

We stride into the cave, and I gotta say, I didn't care for the decor. Maybe it's my adjustment to the finer things lately, but seriously, these bandits are so tacky. They didn't even mount their skag skulls, they're just lying around!

How's that supposed to be intimidating!

The cave wasn't even defended. Hope Nine-Toes is still home. We march past the huts, and over the bridge, and came onto the drop that I knew would lead to the bandit chief's stage. And being the hero, that I am, and in no way trying to hide my nerves, I jumped down… heroically.

The others didn't take long to follow.

I saw the stage, and the typical mad laughter of bandits and psychos. The spotlight's lit up, and the insane lunatic with nine toes, and allegedly three balls walked up. "You woke the wrong dog!" He said, what he probably thought sounded more threatening in his head.

Let's mix things up a little.

So, for the first time since I arrived on Pandora, I deployed my Digi-Jacks. And to the surprise of everyone there, two more of me showed up. "And the world just got twenty-five percent more handsome!" They announced cockily, striding up with me to the stage.

Nine-Toes looked on confused but shot at the one to the left. "Wrong choice, sucker!" I taunted, before giving a shotgun blast from my wrist laser, which prompted the other Jack's to do the same.

It ate away at his shields, but I had to restrain myself from killing him, I needed him alive, if I wanted him to talk. "Pinky! Digit! Save meeee!" He screamed in terror.

Oh yeah. I forgot about the skags.

They jumped up from behind, but thankfully went through one of the fake Jacks. "Take care of them, I got this." I instruct the holodoubles, as I use my fists to take care of Nine-Toes. Brick would be proud.

I swing.

"Ow!"

I swing again.

"OWW!"

Then I kicked him in his crotch sign.

"Please, have mercy!"

Then I shot him in his crotch sign.

"I surrender! I surrender!" Nine-Toes cries out desperately.

"Cool." I told him uncaringly. I looked over and saw that the rest of us had killed his skag pets. "Hey Brick! Ya ready to interrogate?"

Brick walks over, looking a little uncertain. "Uh, boss?"

"Yeah?"

"I think he's had enough." Brick points out, and I glanced again at the mess of blood and tears curled up on the floor. Huh.

"Sorry." I offered sympathetically. "I got caught up in the moment."

"It's fine." Nine-Toes reassures. "Happens to me all the time."

"Doesn't really make me feel better." I sighed, before looking at him again. "Where's your boss? Sledge."

"The headstone mine." He mutters quietly, before wincing as he tries to move.

"Thanks." I told him, relieved. Bang. "And uh, sorry again."

...​

You guys notice that I posted Chapter 5 twice somehow? Because I didn't. Until just now. Whoops!

Anyways, here's the *actual* Chapter 6. With Chapter 7 incoming.

Oh, and my Patreon, naturally:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 7 Rewards! And Random Encounters

"Uhhgh!" Lilith gagged. "It smells awful." She intuitively informed us, her face scrunched up in disgust, as she wrenched the mask away from her face.

"It was a psycho's mask, who probably ate with his pet skags, and we looted it off his corpse." I remind her blankly, feeling (not for the first time) like the only sane being on this planet. "What were you expecting? Vanilla?"

"Why not?" Lilith shrugged. "Yours does."

"That, my dear, is because I'm neither a psycho, an animal, or dead." I point out factually. "...Also, because I had some vanilla ice cream, before I got to Pandora."

"Boss?" Brick turned to me, looking betrayed. "You have ice cream?"

"I had ice cream." I correct, with a wry smile. "I don't anymore."

"But you can- you can get more, right?" Brick asked me desperately.

"Not on Pandora." I told him regretfully.

"Aww, man!' Brick whined like a little kid. That's kind of what Brick is, I guess. A violent, but easy-going child, trapped in the body of an MMA fighter hopped up on steroids.

"There, there, big guy." I pat him on the back, sympathetically. "Tell you what, once we crack open that Vault, and destroy The Destroyer, we'll all go out for milkshakes."

"Thanks, boss." Brick said, a small smile making its way onto his beefy face. "You always know how to cheer me up."

"I know my employees." I shrug off his gesture, humbly. "Now let's turn in this jack off's bounty and get some wheels."

The headstone mine wasn't exactly in the neighborhood. It was way out there in the badlands. And if we wanted to get to where we need to go before the Vault's two hundred year deadline, we can't walk it. Also, walking friggin 'sucks. Fuck cardio.

It didn't take us too long to get back to Fyrestone. Claptrap was sadly almost done burying the dead bandits. Which meant I'll soon have to find another polite excuse, to get him the hell away from me. Not that I had time to react, the second we came strolling into town, he was on us faster than an electric powered unicycle…

Or maybe slower than an electric unicycle, I don't know. Wouldn't it be faster than Claptrap? Claptrap looks a lot heavier than a unicycle. *Cough* Fatty *Cough*. Either way, the fat annoying robot came up to bother me, again.

"Friends! Welcome back!" Claptrap joyously greeted, discarding his shovel entirely, via throwing it through some poor guy's window.

"Sorry Claptrap, we're really busy, don't have time to talk, bye!" I said quickly, rushing past the droid before it had the chance to talk any more.

The others were quick to follow, as eager to get away from the machine as I was. Unfortunately, Claptrap also followed, and the aborted Wall-E was very persistent. "I can come with you! I finished burying those bandits just like you asked!"

I got a couple looks from the Vault Hunters at that, so I just mouthed to them later. Even though I'm probably not gonna explain myself later. Procrastination is a great way to avoid questions that you don't want to answer.

"Umm… nope." I told him, half searching for a decent reason to deny him. "We have to turn in our bounty and leave. Gotta go to the headstone mine, very dangerous. You should stay here. Away from us,"

"The headstone mine?" Claptrap asked, his bright blue optic of what barely passes as an eye, brightens in anticipation. "I know where that is! I can be your guide, and you'll all love me!"

"Nope!" Brick refused.

"No." Roland denied.

"Not a chance." Mordecai disagreed.

"Never gonna happen." Lilith rejected.

"Yeah, sorry, that's a no buddy." I wince, kicking myself mentally for accidentally calling him buddy. He won't let that go. "I think we're good."

"Are you- are you sure?" Claptrap asked us, heartbroken.

"Yes." We all spoke unanimously in agreement.

"Oh. I see." Claptrap sniffed. I mentioned he doesn't need to breathe, right? Strictly, scientifically speaking, I have no idea why he's doing this. "I'll just go then." He rolls away. Loud, obnoxious whining could be heard in the short distance he traveled.

"That wasn't nice." Angel scolded us, in a condescending yet naive tone, that only a child could master.

"Sorry, Angel." I apologized reflexively, having grown used to the little Siren making me feel guilty.

"He was only trying to help." Angel continued to berate, ignoring my apology.

"I know, Angel." I allowed reluctantly, slightly annoyed at my daughter. But only half as much as I was with the robot.

"You're going to apologize." She did not request. It might be my influence on her, but Angel can be pretty assertive when she wants to be.

"Yes, Angel." I agreed noncommittally but knew that sooner or later I'd have to. If there's been one disadvantage of having Angel connected to the Hyperion network, it would be that privacy was really hard to come by.

Angel gave me a stern look, before she ceased her weird siren communication. "How long have you been working with her?" Lilith asked curiously, having watched our interaction in silent laughter.

"A few years now." I shrug nonchalantly. "Made her way before that, but I didn't start having her help out until I thought she was ready."

"She wasn't when you made her?" Roland asked with a raised brow.

"Hell no." I scoffed. "When I made her, she couldn't even do a tenth of what she's capable of now. Don't get me wrong, I always had high hopes for her, but she's surprised and amazed me in ways I never thought possible."

"You talk about her like she's your kid." Mordecai pointed out.

"You treat Bloodwing like she's yours." I argue, nodding to the bird on his shoulder.

Mordecai chuckled, rubbing Bloodwing's beak affectionately. "Touché. She mean that much to you?"

"More." I answered him briefly, honestly, and sincerely. "She's, heh- this'll sound cheesy but... she's my angel."

That got a few reactions from the gang. Lilith cooed, Brick awed, Mordecai chuckled, and Roland, he looked thoughtful. "You never did say what she-"

"Yo! Zed, we're here!" I called out as we neared the fake doctor's garage. That's one awkward conversation avoided. For now.

"Already?" Dr. Zed actually seemed disappointed for some reason. "Guess you couldn't kill him, huh? Ain't nothing to be embarrassed about-"

"Woah!" I cut him off, waving my arms frantically to shut him up. "Who said we didn't kill him?" I made a gesture to Lilith, who got the hint and tossed me the mask. "One dead bandit, as the doctor ordered."

Zed took the mask gingerly, his eyes widening in surprise, before he whooped with glee. "Hell, y'all actually did it! Good riddance!" He remarked, casually tossing the mask over his shoulder. "You just cleaned up this planet, at least a tiny bit. Head over to the bounty board, y'all earned every penny."

I give the man a mock salute, and start inputting the information into the system, while discreetly eavesdropping on the others.

"So, what do you think of Angel?" Roland asked the others, oblivious to my master skills of personal invasion.

Lilith shrugged the question off, leaning against the garage. "She seems cool, not really sure what she does. But if Jack says she's good, then she probably is."

"And you're not the least bit suspicious of her." Roland pressed them.

"Nope." Brick didn't seem to care.

"Not really." Mordecai agreed with equal disinterest.

Apathy, the human being's natural state. Roland's acting a little paranoid, but given what I knew of his background, he's got the right to be. He used to be part of the Crimson Lance, Atlas's hired "soldiers".

Heh, please. At best, they were mercenaries. At worst, they were assassins, executioners, murderers. Rhys may have turned it around but make no mistake, old Atlas, this Atlas, was as corrupt as the rest of them. Maybe even worse.

One of the best things Handsome Jack ever did was grind them into dust.

That's one aspect of history I intend to repeat.

Oh, the payment's been processed. Five thousand, not bad. "Gather 'round, kiddos!" I called to my squad, pretending I didn't hear Roland's accusations. "It's time for your first paycheck."

They gave a cheer at that, although Lilith gave me a mischievous look as I handed her cash over. "You better still give us a million on top of this." She warned, with a sly smile.

I held a hand to my heart, as if hurt by the mere accusation. "Why, Lilith I never-." I started dramatically before she punched me in the shoulder. "Ow!" I exclaimed as I rubbed the spot she struck. "You're mean." I playfully whine.

In response, Lilith maturely stuck her tongue out. In retaliation, I had no choice but to do the same. "Um, guys." Roland awkwardly called, drawing our attention as we turned to him with our tongues out. "Can we go now?"

I was forced to put my tongue back in, as I cannot speak without it. Alas I doubt the others knew sign language, like I did, in my many talented ways. "Not just yet." I informed him, before dividing my share of a thousand into four, and passed it out.

"Hey." Lilith tried to stop me. "You don't need to do that, I was just joking-"

"It's fine." I assured her. "I don't need the money."

"Neither do we." Lilith argued, hands on her hips.

"You don't." I allow. "You want it, and I want to give it. So, why not?"

"Because it's yours." She answered, forcing the cash back into my hands. "You came with us, you fought with us, you earned it just as much as us. Maybe more because you actually killed Nine-Toes."

I still wanted to give her the money, I didn't need it, believe me, My salary paid enough to make a thousand look like pocket change. But I learned a long time ago, when the lady wants you to do something, it's better to just go along. "Okay." I accepted with a sigh.

Lilith looked at me for a moment in assurance before nodding. "Okay." She agreed.

"So, boss." Brick coughed, and I turned to him. "We can go now, right?"

"We still need some wheels." I pointed out. "But once we get some, we're out of here." I promised.

"Perhaps, I can help." Spoke a deep Russian accent, that I was all too familiar with. Though, not in this lifetime.

Turning around we saw the most prominent bus driver/arms dealer on Pandora, and probably in the Borderlands too. Marcus Kincaid, not gonna lie, for the longest time I thought his last name was Munitions.

"Absolutely not." Roland rejected the offer point blank.

"My friends," Marcus replied, feigning hurt. "Did you forget? It was I who brought you to Fyrestone, I could easily transport-"

"We didn't forget." Lilith remarked, cutting the arms dealer off. "It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and I swear that bus smells like feet."

"It does not smell like feet." Marcus denied, angrily.

"It totally smells like feet." Brick disagreed.

"Well, even if it did, and I'm not saying it does." Marcus pointed to Lilith, as she made to argue. "It's still one of the best smelling vehicles you'll find on Pandora."

"He makes a good point." I said, receiving large amounts of shock from all parties present. "I'm not saying we hire him. I'm just saying, it's gonna be hard to find a good car around these parts."

"You could always ask T.K." Dr. Zed informed us, speaking up for the first time in the entire conversation. "Scooter, a car mechanic, owes him a pretty big favor. He could get you some wheels."

I shrugged. "Worth a shot."

Marcus objected. "You don't need to go to a blind old cripple or a redneck mechanic to get a lift! I have a perfectly good bus right there." He pointed to an old, word down bus, that seemed one bolt short of totaled.

A strange rusty metal part fell off the bus, and Marcus seemed worried. Now I'm not a mechanic, so I'm not really sure what the problem is. But, all the same, I think I'm gonna take a pass here. "We'll get back to you on that." I informed Marcus sarcastically.

...​

I love that answer.

"Hmmm. Let me think about it." Never thinks about it.

Anyways! Hope you all enjoyed! Like I said, this will get updated daily for, well, honestly at least another month, and some change, until we get all caught up with public release. So, if you want to skip ahead, feel free to check me out FFN or SpaceBattles, or my Patreon!

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 8 Catch-A-Skag!

"Is that him?" Lilith asked her boss, as they neared the shack.

"Yup, that's our guy." Handsome Jack told her, looking displeased at the man's state.

"He looks passed out." Roland remarked.

He definitely did, slouched oddly in his chair, hugging a shotgun to his chest like a teddy bear. T.K. wore some tacky striped pants, and strange goggles, making him look a little ridiculous. Not that it would matter too much to him.

If there was one thing blind people didn't care for it was appearances… and people who made of them for being blind.

"Or dead." Brick noted, looking skeptically at the blind man.

"I don't think he's dead." Mordecai disagreed.

"You don't know." Brick argued, childishly.

"Look, Jack said he talked to him earlier, right?" Mordecai paused as he looked to their boss for verification and got a nod in return. "It's not like he would have just dropped dead in the time it took for us to walk over here."

They all waited a moment, and T.K. still didn't move.

"I think he might be dead, you guys." Mordecai changed his opinion, flippantly.

Lilith rolled her eyes. "Old men sleep. A lot. That's what old men do, it's part of what they're known for."

"You don't know!" Mordecai fell back to Brick's argument.

Lilith sighed and turned to Roland, the rational one of their group. "You don't think he's dead, do you?"

Roland shrugged. "Only one way to find out."

"He's right." Jack agreed, looking serious. "Brick, go get a really long stick."

Roland turned to Jack, confused. "What?"

"We need to find out if he's dead." Jack said, like it was obvious.

"Yeah, so why do we need a stick?" Roland asked, bewildered.

"So, we can poke his body from a safe range." Jack explained. "He's got a shotgun, not a sniper rifle. We poke him from far enough away, and we'll be fine."

"That's… not what I had in mind." Roland spoke slowly, trying to find fault in Jack's logic.

Handsome Jack raised an eyebrow but seemed willing to humor him. "Okay, what do you want to do."

Roland simply raised his right hand to show the lead stopper he'd been holding.

Jack actually looked a little disappointed. "Oh." He even seemed to deflate. "Yeah, sure. I guess that could work too. Less fun and all, but uh, feel free."

Lilith seemed inclined to agree. "I like Jack's plan better, this one feels dumb." She voiced her opinion, raising Jack's spirits, and lowering Roland's.

"And what would you suggest?" Roland questioned, feeling inclined to defend his own plan.

"Well, I could just walk up to the guy and tap his shoulder, and then Phasewalk if he shoots. Of course, if you want to go get shot…" She trailed off teasingly.

"Umm, right." Roland hesitantly agreed. "That's a good plan, we should do that." Jack subtly shifted himself behind Roland and gave her a thumbs up.

Lilith smirked at the guys, then carefully approached T.K., and cautiously tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me-"

"Cripes!" T.K. startled, firing awake, by firing his shotgun.

"Crap." It was only because of years of practice, resourcefulness, and knee jerk reactions that prevented her from getting blown back at point blank range. Phasewalking at the last possible second, the shot went right through her intangible form.

"Agkk!" ... and right into Roland, who had no such defense. Well other than the vest and shield that saved his life, though sadly in this case, not his dignity.

Mordecai and Brick broke out laughing at the poor soldier's misfortune. Even Jack gave a few chuckles as he stood over their downed teammate. "Ha, you alright, kiddo?" Jack asked him between breaths.

Roland gasped in pain. "You knew that would happen." He accused.

"Maybe." Handsome Jack drawled, offering a hand to the fallen soldier, who reluctantly took it.

Lilith didn't feel keen on taking chances after that, snatching the old man's weapon away from him. "No more shotgun!" She scolded him, like a mother taking away her kid's toys for misbehaving.

"You won't take me alive, you heartless beast!" T.K. fought in vain against an enemy only his blind eyes could see. Waving his arms, and pulling at hair, until Lilith managed to calm down.

"I can't breathe… I can't breathe." Mordecai "complained", wheezing through his giggles. "I will laugh about this forever."

Brick grunted in agreement, as Roland's glare assured he would murder the both of them. Jack patted the man on the shoulder, as he walked up to talk to the old man. "Hey, T.K."

"Ohhh." T.K. sighed in relief. "It's Jack right? Whatcha doing back here? Did you get Nine-Toes?"

"It's Handsome Jack." He reminded T.K. "And yes, we killed him, but that's not why we're here. I'm ready to help you out with that favor of yours, if you're willing to do one for us."

"Well, sure." T.K. agreed kindly. "If you can help me avenge my wife, leg, and eyes, I'll do just about anything."

That… that was a lot to unpack. It didn't help that T.K. was smiling the whole time. "Ah, okay then… Who do we need to kill?" Lilith asked hesitatingly.

At this, T.K. frowned. "Scar." He answered vehemently.

"And uh, who's Scar?" Jack questioned, the eyebrow on his mask raising in confusion.

"Oh, he's a skag." T.K. answered seemingly nonchalant. "He killed my wife a while back and ate my leg. Zed made me a prosthetic one, so I tried to kill him, but skar just ate that one too, and also blinded me. Also, that reminds me if you see my fake leg, could you get it for me?"

"Uh huh." Jack agreed absentmindedly. "So, where can we find-"

"Are you sure you want us to do this?" Roland interrupted, gazing at T.K. sympathetically.

"Pretty sure, yes." T.K. didn't miss a beat. "After everything that monster took from me, killing him is the least I can do in return."

"I lost people I cared about too." Roland emphasized. "We were betrayed, and I hunted the man who did it for a long time, looking for revenge."

"Did you get it?"

"Revenge isn't the same as peace." Roland warned. "It won't fill the hole they left behind. It just makes a deeper hole."

"But did you get it?" T.K. asked ignoring the soldier's warning.

"Yes." Roland answered after a pause. "It didn't help though. Maybe I gave my team the justice they deserved, maybe I stopped him from hurting anyone else. But I didn't do it for anyone else, I did it for me. And I'm telling you, it doesn't help. The people we cared about they're still gone, avenging them won't change that."

"I know." T.K. spoke solemnly, but optimistically. "But if just for once, I can think about my Marian without seeing that monster's face, that'd be enough for me."

Lilith looked at the others and saw that they felt as much empathy as she had. They would do it, she was just the first to say it. "We'll kill him." She promised.

...​

"That… is one big skag." I remark anxiously as we gazed down on the spiked monster. Call me crazy, but I'm fairly certain that T.K.'s sword is still lodged through part of its face. How is this thing even alive?

Didn't exactly make me hopeful about are chances of killing it.

"That ain't a skag, amigo. It's a small mountain." Mordecai corrected, looking as worried as I was.

"What, like a hill?" Brick asked Mordecai, not quite understanding metaphors,

"What?"

"You said it was a small mountain." Brick shrugged. "That's a hill. I could kill a hill. No big deal."

"Loving that confidence, Dr. Seuss." I said, looking at Brick humorously. "You wanna come up with the plan of attack this time?"

Brick ginned and slapped a fist against his palm. "I got it. We hit it… until it dies!" He explained excitedly, looking to us for approval.

I blink for a couple of moments. "Okay, uh good plan. Solid plan, but let's just put that on the backburner for right now." I suggest diplomatically, before turning to Roland. "How about you?"

Roland looked thoughtful for a minute or two, before sighing. "I got nothing."

I tried not to groan. "Great. Does anyone have a plan?" Lilith alone raised her hand, well Brick did too, but I'm not counting "punch it until it dies" as a viable strategy. "Yes, Ms. Lilith."

"Well, Mr. Jack," Lilith rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling. "You could send out some of your… what are they called? Holodoubles or something?"

"Expendable assets." I answer, with a small smile. "I like that though, mind if I borrow it?"

"Sure, anyways, you send them out, and get Scar's attention. Roland can provide covering fire, and Brick can help you move them into position. I want you guys to lure him to the cliff, and once he's there we can knock him off."

"Already sounds better than Brick's plan." Mordecai smirked. "I'm in. Whaddya want me to do, girly?" Lilith leaned in to whisper something to Mordecai's ear. I didn't catch what she said, but whatever it was Mordecai didn't seem to care for it. "Can we go back to Brick's plan?"

"Nah." I denied, taking a small amount of pleasure at the panic Mordecai was developing. "I like it! You can take point Lil, let's make it happen."

Lilith smiled at me, before continuing. "When I say go, we move out… Go!"

And like that, we were off.

Now I probably had one of the easiest jobs, didn't mean I was out of harm's way. My job is to get the attention of the large, seemingly unkillable monster, and have him follow me. Or better yet, make the Digi Me's and Brick do it.

Let's try that. "Hey roadkill!" I taunted the ferocious, and legitimately terrifying monster. "Come get…" I paused, throwing out the expendable assets, so we could finish in harmony. "All of me."

They're friendly fire protocols kicked in, and they bombarded the monster over and over with lasers, though it only seemed to piss Scar off. Considering I've seen my boys take out Nine-Toes, and his skags, in half the effort, this was mildly alarming.

"Raaghhh!" Brick yelled in a battle cry, as he threw himself into the fight. Helping me near Scar towards the cliff. Scar tried to chomp Brick in punishment, but a few shots from Roland quickly discouraged him.

"Over here, boy!" I had the Digi-Jack's bait the beast, as it neared the cliff even more. Scar sliced right through one of them, turning him into a digital mess of code and pixels. Scar ignored the other, in favor of glaring at me.

It tried to attack but halted as it was assaulted by a wave of electricity from behind. In all her beautiful, siren glory, Lilith had appeared. "Sup." She offered the beast in greeting.

"Raaghhh!" It replied in return.

I'll admit, I don't know too much about animal emotions. But if I were a betting man, then I'd guess Scar was feeling pretty peeved.

It attempted to pounce on Lilith, probably an effort to tear her apart with his fangs and claws. But Lilith, being Lilith, Phasewalked at the last possible second. Sending the beast through her, and off of the cliff.

"Mordecai!" Lilith called in impatience.

"Shiiiit!" Mordecai cried, as he leaped towards Skar from an upper cliff.

When did he get there?

Why do I continue letting my employees do mostly whatever they want?

These are questions that I will not answer. Why, you may ask. Simple, because for most given situations, I really, really don't care.

Now back to the fight, yeah? Mordecai had just followed through on Lilith's plan for him to jump off of a cliff, like an idiot, and use his sword to stab a vicious man eating monster at close range. I'm not sure why he agreed to that plan, and I also don't care. As I might've mentioned.

Either way, it's kind of worked.

Lilith made her way down to the dying beast, this time it had two swords lodged in it, and had fallen from a considerable height. If any of us tried that, we would've probably gone splat.

Really glad I installed the fall recall for the Fast Travel.

Lilith grabbed hold of both swords, pulled them out, and glared at Skar menacingly. And stabbed him in the brain.

Wow.

"That was… badass!" I cheered her on, as I slid down the canyon to her level. I pointed a finger at her, in astonishment. "You… you're awesome! Did you know that?"

She raised the swords in victory, before bowing theatrically at my praise. "It's been said, yes." Lilith answered, her tone full of amusement. "And shall this dashing heroine get a reward?"

"I should think so!" I agreed happily, still reeling from amazement. "What do you want?"

Lilith dropped the swords and marched up to me cockily. Grabbing hold of my vest, she pulled me towards her, and smirked. "I can think of a thing or two." She said, before kissing me.

It was… I'm sorry. My mind shut down, I- I'm speechless. That's never happened before. As she draws away from me to breathe, I try to gather my senses. "Was that the thing?" I asked, voicing the first thought that wouldn't mortify me.

"Nope." Lilith answered cheekily. "I just wanted to do it."

"I see." I replied, after a moment. But I really didn't. "Can we do it again?"

Lilith chuckled, before giving me a smile, and a wink. "Maybe, now come on. Buy a girl a car."

...​

"You done, yet?" I asked Scooter, thankfully he wasn't too far from Fyrestone, otherwise we would have needed to take Marcus's bus.

"Just about, man." Scooter answered in a hillbilly accent. Hillbillies in space... what has my life become? "Still gotta fix a few crossed wires, a busted manifold, a-"

"Cool." I interrupt him, completely disinterested in the nuances and expertise of mechanical engineering. At least, when it wasn't mine.

Say what you will about Scooter, he may be a hillbilly, loud, obnoxious, more than slightly incestuous, homicidal at times… where was I going with this? He's a great mechanic, and a (moderately) good person.

He was more endearing then Claptrap at any rate.

"Mr. Jack!" Speaking of the robotic devil…

"Yes, Claptrap?" I asked with a sigh.

"I must insist! You NEED my help! I can show you all where the headstone mine is!" Claptrap argued his case, greatly desiring the chance to come along.

"Big deal, I bet every local knows. Hey Scooter, you know where the headstone mine is?" I asked, looking down at the oil stained mechanic.

"Nope." Scooter answered helpfully.

"Okay, bad example." I amended. "But that still doesn't mean you can come. Besides, if even we wanted you." Kind of like wanting a tumor. "There's no room."

"You could always strap me to the back of the car." Claptrap suggested. "Like a bike!"

"You're a lot heavier than a bike." I pointed out. "There's no way that would work, right Scooter?"

"Nah, it would." Scooter denied.

"I'm gonna stop asking you stuff, Scooter."

"Sorry!"

"So, can I come?!" Claptrap asked excitedly, looking at me in what I'm assuming is a hopeful expression. Still hard to tell, he has a robot face… which is also his body.

I wanted to reject him, but I couldn't think of a good reason. And honestly, we'd need a guide if we wanted to get to Sledge. I prepared myself to grant a soul crushing permission, when the door to Scooter garage burst open.

"Aha!" Marcus laughed triumphantly. "The bus works! I can take you and your friends anywhere you need to go, for a modest fee, of course. No need to wait any longer."

I sighed and made to deny the arms dealer/bus drivers offer, when a wickedly wonderful thought occurred to me. I gazed back at the Claptrap, then back at Marcus. "Any of my friends?"

"Of course, you have my guarantee!"

At the moment, all I offered Marcus, was a small insidious smile.

...​

"God damnit." Marcus gave a large groan, as he turned the key into the ignition.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Claptrap shouted enthused.

...​

Hello Travelers!

Welcome back to an all new chapter, brought to you by the Hyperion Corporation!

Here at Hyperion, we pride ourselves on shameless self-promotion, so please! Check out Mad King Kevin on Patreon, and read ahead! Or, just show your support for just such an amazing, talented, and sexually attractive writer! (Who wrote this thing?)

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 9 Just A Quickie

This is so unfair.

"Stop skulking." Roland, the car thief, demanded from behind the steering wheel. He won the rights to drive the car we earned, and I paid for, in a tried and tested game.

Rock paper scissors.

In my defense, how could've I foreseen him choosing rock for all three rounds?! It's the perfect counter to my scissors only strategy, I never saw it coming. Leave it to a soldier to learn all the tactics.

"It was a stupid game anyway." I muttered, crossing my arms, and looking down.

"Cheer up." Lilith wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "It could be worse. You could be in Brick's spot right now."

Currently, Brick was on our turret, looking for the smallest excuse to fire. Then randomly firing at anything, for no particular reason at all.

It was an interesting car, Scooter fashioned up for us.

It was a bit different then how it worked in the game. Instead of just magicking up a brand new car out of nothing but code, like the Digi-struct implied, we had to take one. Specifically, one of the Bandit Technicals that attacked Fyrestone.

It was pretty beat up, but after we persuaded Brick to push it into Scooter's garage, we got it repaired in about an hour or two. And now, we have the car uploaded into the Catch-A-Ride, so we can ditch it, and get it from another terminal, if we wanted.

"At least Brick's having fun." I argued childishly, gazing up at the big man with the big gun. The smile on his face, and his occasional whoop offered no rebuttal. "We're stuck in the backseat."

And by backseat, I meant the bed of our monster truck-like ride. Which is pretty unsafe during normal conditions. But we're going over a hundred miles an hour in a rocky, desert terrain, with the risk of getting shot at.

Roland better be a safe driver.

"We know. We're here too, amigo." Mordecai commented, trying to sit in a comfortable position, while supporting Bloodwing, who was perched on his shoulder. "Just as much risk, just as little fun as you. You don't see us complaining."

"That's because Lilith's invincible, and you're at less risk than everyone else." I point out, to his confusion. "Lilith can turn intangible if shit goes south. And you have Bloodwing, if we crash, she could just carry you to safety."

Lilith looked smug, Bloodwing preened, and Mordecai seemed annoyed. "The bird can fly, I can't. Besides, I'm too big for her to carry" He argued, muttering some Truxican swears under his breath.

Truxicans, the space Mexicans. It's a good thing I'm not a racist hotdog.

"Have you ever tried?" I asked him teasingly.

"You do remember that I jumped off a cliff, right?" Mordecai rolled his eyes at my question.

"But that's just it, you jumped, and survived. I think if the car exploded you'd be fine." I remind him, still inspecting him for the injuries, he should have gotten.

The fall recall didn't bring him to the nearest fast travel, which probably meant that he would have survived his leap, without crippling himself. I'm still trying to figure out how. What are your secrets birdman?

Mordecai's confidence appeared to be renewed, because he just sat up straighter, and smirked proudly before replying. "Okay, so maybe we would be fine." He gestured to himself and Lilith, who gave a peace sign. "But how would driving help you survive the crash?"

"It probably wouldn't." I admit shamelessly, to their surprise. "I just want the privilege of driving the car I helped pay for, before I die." I said that second part louder, directing my attention to our current driver, Roland.

He pretended not to hear me.

Dick.

"Well, you could ride with Marcus and Claptrap." Lilith suggested teasingly.

"Nope!" I quickly answered. "It's fine, everything's fine, could always be worse!"

...​

"They're stopping." Roland commented, as we slowed down to park near the arm's dealers' bus.

Coincidentally, waking me up from my short power nap. I gave a small yawn, and absentmindedly patted my 'pillow', Lilith, who thankfully dozed off too.

I also gave a small glare to Mordecai, who seemed to be completely awake, and smiling smugly. I mimed a 'cut your throat, if you say anything gesture', and got off the Technical. Taking a few hesitant steps to get my footing.

"So, we're here?" I asked Marcus and Claptrap skeptically, as they departed from the bus. "It doesn't look like a mine."

And indeed, it didn't, it looked like a barren wasteland. Then again, so did the rest of Pandora. But as I'm fairly certain a mine would involve a dig site, or you know at least a structure, I'm fairly certain this isn't it.

Marcus seemed inclined to agree, as he shook his head in approval. "The robot says it's still a couple of miles, that way." He gestured with a pointed thumb. "This is as far as I'm going though. I like being alive."

Fair enough. "Alright. And Claptrap, you're sure that's where the headstone mine is?" If I found out he's been lying for the attention… I can't be held accountable for what I'd do to him.

"Of course, Mr. Jack!" Claptrap answered positively. "Dahl personally had me-"

"Again, really not comfortable with all this Dahl stuff." I stopped him with a raised hand, while rubbing the other over my masked forehead. "Okay, easy peasy. A little bit more driving, and we're there, let's get moving people."

"One more thing." Marcus cut us off, before we made it back to the car. I swear if this is some kind of side quest, I'll- "I want double."

What? "What?"

"You paid me to have Claptrap escort you, then drop him off wherever. This is wherever." Marcus gestured to the empty dessert. "If you want me to inflict him on some poor town, I want double."

Well that's a no brainer. "Hell no-"

"Dad." Angel didn't threaten, she was way too sweet for that. But even a deaf man could hear the warning tone in her voice.

I sighed, and very reluctantly accepted the bus driver's terms. "Fine." I grit out, forking over some cash from my wallet.

That wallet's getting real light.

Marcus counted each bill respectively, ensuring that he was paid a sufficient bribe, before stowing the money, and nodding. "A pleasure doing business with you. Next stop: New Haven. Feel free to look me up."

"Oh boy!" Claptrap cheered excitedly. "I've never been to New Haven, I wonder if they have Claptraps. Or ramps! Or maybe…" At that point I tuned the robot out before I went insane, gazing back at the bus driver, he seemed equally unamused.

Marcus frowned. "On second thought, triple-"

"Don't push it." I warned, glaring at both him and the babbling machine.

Marcus chuckled and waved his hand placatingly. "Was just a joke, all is well." He grabbed the mechanical monstrosity and walked back to his bus. I'm pretty sure he was swearing in Russian under his breath.

They drove away, into the sunset, never to be seen again… well, actually they might. But a man can hope. Or in this case dream.

Delusions counted as dreams, right?

...​

"Remember people, we don't need him alive. Just his Vault Key, so don't pull your punches. Looking at you Brick." Jack reminded them, giving a pointed look to Brick at the end.

Brick looked visibly offended by the accusation. "I would never."

"Uh huh." Jack drawled, unconvinced. "By the way, about your whole punching method…"

"Yeah?" Brick questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, that's gonna have to go." Jack informed the much larger, much more intimidating man, uncaringly.

"What?!" Brick screamed outraged.

"Oh, don't be like that." Jack rolled his eyes at the big man's concerns. "I get it, you're a badass. Thing is, The Destroyer eats badasses. So, I need you to be an ultimate badass."

"I can be an ultimate badass." Brick argued pitifully.

"Well, of course you can." Jack agreed patronizingly. "If you start using a gun."

"I used the turret." Brick reminded, receiving a small groan for his efforts.

Jack rubbed the forehead of his mask reflexively, in his signature form of a facepalm. "That's not your gun, it's the car's gun. And, case in point, we're not always in the car."

"Why not?" Brick asked, like every child who asked why, ever. And about everything.

"Because…" Jack actually seemed to hesitate. It was unclear if he was genuinely unsure, or if he was trying to find a way to calmly explain why a car could not fit into places like mines. "Because I said so."

His argument for either was the same.

"But I like punching things." Brick bemoaned. Looking at his bloody and bruised fists forlornly.

"You can still punch things." Jack reassured, breathing slowly to avoid yelling. "But once we get you a gun, you can shoot them too."

Brick sighed, before reluctantly nodding. "Okay…"

"Okay?" Jack double checked.

"Okay." Brick answered firmly "But on one condition."

"Ah, sure. What is it?" Jack asked bemused.

"I get to pick the gun." Brick was never known for his skills of negotiation.

"Roger that, big guy. Whaddya want? Assault rifle, sniper rifle, laser-"

"I want a shotgun." Brick interrupted.

"A… shotgun." Jack blinked, and rubbed a finger into his ear, as if he misheard.

"Yup." Brick agreed with a smile.

"That's what you want?" Jack asked deadpanned.

"That's what I said." Brick clarified.

"Uh huh" Jack sighed, and looked to the heavens "… Brick, you're already a close range fighter, you don't need a shotgun."

"You said I could pick." Brick reminded, with an accusing finger.

"No, I know. It's just… really?!" Handsome Jack threw up his hands in frustration.

"Yup." Brick repeated, grin restored.

"Fine, whatever. Suit yourself… Hey, where are the others?" Jack asked, after he noticed the absence of the other people he's paying.

"Oh, they went ahead." Brick answered nonchalantly.

"What? When did they leave!?" Jack asked, confused, and mortified by his lack of attention.

"About five minutes ago."

"And you didn't say anything?!"

"You didn't ask." Brick crossed his arms with a pout.

"I- You-!" Jack struggled with himself. "You need to-"

"Guys! Can you get over here already!?" Lilith called frantically from further along the mine.

"Yeah, we're coming!" Jack called back, rolling his eyes before turning back to Brick with a pointed finger. "This conversation is not over."

"Whatever you say boss." Brick allowed with a chuckle, before they both sprinted to catch up with the other Vault Hunters.

Oddly enough, the conversation never continued.

...​

Heyya Kiddos!

Sorry/Not sorry about this being a short chapter. Most of these were pre-written millions of minutes ago, and you lucky fellows get new chapters daily. For the time being, anyways. Speaking of! Please check me out at my Patreon, where you can read five chapters ahead when you finally get caught up with FFN and SB.

Or if you just like to throw a teeny, tiny, tad touch of support, my way. I need it.

Check the link below!

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 10 The Headstone Mine (No Pun Required)

You know, I'm not quite sure why I'm so okay with killing all of these bandits.

Maybe it's some lingering feelings from Jack, or some righteous and archaic form of delivering justice onto some of the worst beings to exist in the galaxy. Or even, the most terrifying possibility, this is just a game to me.

And I'm not talking about how easy this is, or how fun it can be (although it is pretty fun). No, I'm thinking more along the lines of my brain just processing all of this violence, all of this chaos, as some advanced VR game of Borderlands.

Thankfully, I immediately disregarded this theory because it is utter, fucking, bullshit.

I know what I'm in for, this whole adventure that I (not quite) signed up for. I'm probably just feeling this way because I've prepared for it. I've been building up to this moment for years. A lot of "how to" training videos, mostly.

And also state of the art, Hyperion technology and weapons, that I may have convinced R&D to loan me. And by "convince" I mean coerced… And by "loan" I mean borrow without returning. Ever.

It's all for a very noble cause.

Which makes it all okay. I think. I'm pretty sure that as I long as I stop myself from going too far, I can get away with a few morally ambiguous choices. I am trying to save the galaxy here, I have to make a few tough calls.

And slightly blackmailing some of the most absolutely morally bankrupt scientists among Hyperion's Research and Development program, didn't really phase me. Of course, neither did killing bandits.

Which is the problem. Maybe?

Honestly, should I feel bad about killing them? They're all a bunch of homicidal maniacs anyways. And he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Or dies by the meat bicycle, in this case.

"I'm going to wear your spine to MY funeral!" An insane bandit cheerfully announced, clarifying the point I was mulling over. Yeah, these guys make it pretty easy to feel unsympathetic.

"Pass." I denied, emphasizing my point by unloading a round inside his skull. My aim has gotten so much better. I mean, it was at point blank range, sure, but it's getting there.

Practice makes perfect.

No shortage of that on Pandora. I absentmindedly reloaded my pistol, having dealt with the bandits who previously surrounded me. I saw Lilith handling her own, facing off a Badass Psycho all by herself.

If there was anyone that could manage that as effortlessly in reality, as it was in the game, then that person was Lilith. I've said it before, and I'll probably mention it again, but that girl was unstoppable.

Occasionally you read these comics, watch some movie, or play a game about some super powered, super badass. The ones that can tackle any problem, save any day, and be back home for brunch. But actually, seeing it in action.

Words just can't compare.

Words don't show how epic it is, watching the universe's greatest Siren (fuck off, Tyreen) beat down a monster three times her size, in a quarter of the effort. Words can't make you feel the awe, the weight in your gut, when you watch someone's hand phase through someone's chest to rip out their heart.

I really wanted to lend Lilith a hand, if only to get a better look, but I didn't want to interrupt her. She was pretty into her fight at the moment and looked like she was having a lot of fun. It'd be rude to cut her off.

Also, I didn't want to risk her hand going through my chest.

I've grown pretty comfortable with Jack's body. Even built up a six pack! No need to ruin this Adonis figure via a fist shaped hole. I can personally attest that it does not look attractive. At least, judging by some of Brick's vict- ahem- combatants.

Speaking of the seven foot goliath statue made of polished adamantium, an NFL league's weight in steroids, and a sperm donation (broken condom) from Hercules, where is the big guy?

"Ahhh!" Some random, and irrelevant bandit screamed in terror, unknowingly answering my question, as I turned my head to the noise. What I saw, had me frozen in awe as well. Not necessarily in amazement, but it was kind of like watching a semi-truck crash into a clown car.

You can't look away, no matter how bad it gets, and every once in a while, you have to force down a chuckle. Watching Brick literally beat a man to death with his own skull, that was… intense.

Also, technically impossible. But who gives a shit?

Considering the fact that I recently talked the jolly, not green, giant into using a shotgun, in lieu of solving all of life's problems with his fists. Well, he might just be making the most of the time he's got left. This may be partially my fault.

Either that, OR Brick was always a violent psychopath, and just projected all of his anger onto the original Handsome Jack, 'cause he was an easy target… I like how that shifts the blame off me, but this is getting a bit too brutal.

Even by my standards, and if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is. "Hey, Brick." I called over to my own personal Mini-Hulk.

Brick paused mid swing, dropping the skull that was now catered in the blood of two different bandits "Yeah?" He called back nonchalant, taking a moment to flex his shoulders, and crack his neck. "What's up, boss?"

"I think he's had enough." I parroted the words he said to me, not that long ago.

Brick raised an eyebrow, then looked back at the gruesome scene, of bandit blood, bone, and limbs, scattered across the floor of the mine. He winced and turned back to me with a remorseful look. "Sorry. I guess I got carried away."

"Happens to everyone." I cheerfully reassure him, glad to not be the only guy in the group with a few screws loose. "But, yeah. I think we're good here."

Well, I think we are.

Haven't actually checked in with Mordecai and Roland yet. I know, I should keep a better track of my team. In my defense, when half of your team consists of the strongest man alive (Hulk doesn't exist, here), and a sexy badass with magical science powers, it's easy to get sidetracked.

So, with that in mind, I turn my attention to the Truxican sniper, who proves that as long as you have one gimmick, and an animal sidekick, you can do anything. Just ask Shaggy and Scooby, the biggest potheads alive.

Mordecai didn't seem to be doing anything, he was just leaning his back up against a crate. Making me question why I'm paying him. Seriously! This isn't Hyperion funded, you know?! I'm paying for it. Me!

I'm going to need to pay them a quarter of what I made from the Fast Travel sales. Do you have any idea how much money that is?! The least he could do is justify his paycheck.

Thankfully Bloodwing took more initiative. That beautiful bird decided, hey let's not stop fighting, just because the guys who were fighting us are dead, let's help our friends fight! Smart bird. That's why she gets half a million.

And why Mordecai will get a scolding, eventually. First I'm going to learn how to speak Truxican, so I can insult him in two different languages. Is Truxican the correct way of saying space Spanish?

I'm trying to lecture him, I think it'll be a bit hypocritical if I come off as intolerant.

Back to Bloodwing, and Roland, the man who would've been the de facto leader of the VH gang, if it wasn't for Jack 2.0, A.K.A: me. Roland had his turret deployed, because of course he did, it's his best friend, and Bloodwing was attacking from above, occasionally getting a bandit to walk in front of the turret.

How dumb can you get?

Evidently, extremely, as one bandit's plan of attack, was to bull rush the mounted machine gun. As even the weakest version of those could fire thirty-four rounds per second, I had to not only second guess their sanity, but their intelligence as well.

Not that their sanity, or lack thereof, was a big factor against them. I think that Dr. Tannis set the precedent for being relatively okay, without sanity. You know, as long as you're smart. But being insane and an idiot, that's where you cross the line.

Remember, kids! It's okay to be crazy as long as you're smart/sexy. But you can never be an idiot, there's no excuse for that. Ever. Not even if you're sexy. Beauty fades… Unless you're rich and can afford plastic surgery.

Moxxi could vouch.

What were we talking about? Right, the assembled ghost busters- I mean Vault Hunters had dispatched the rest of the goons. I mean bandits. Yup, totally unique characters and lineups here.

"Everyone good?" I asked, inspected the crew for injuries. Turning an 'I'm joking, but I'm really not joking' look towards Mordecai. And let me just say, this mask captures that expression perfectly. "How about you, Mordecai? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." The sniper answered, and I hate to admit it, but there is one advantage his mask has that mine doesn't. The ability to hide all of your facial expressions, so no one can ever tell how you're feeling, or what you're thinking.

Actually, is that really an advantage? Seems more like a double edged sword to me.

"Are you sure?" I double checked, my voice taking an almost involuntary teasing hue. "You don't have a bad back? Maybe a collapsed lung?"

"No?" Mordecai answered, but it came off as more of a question, as he voiced his confusion. "I'm good. Is something wrong?"

"Well I hope not." I tiptoe around the topic of frustration, going for a passive aggressive approach, rather than actively aggressive. "But you can never be too careful. And that's my job, right? I gotta watch out for my workers, you're my responsibility. I think we should all do our jobs."

"No arguments here." Mordecai shamelessly agreed. Nodding his head in encouragement, as the others gave him a blank stare.

"Uh huh." I wordlessly respond, not even bothering to make an actual remark. For a brief moment, it was just a tense staring contest, one guy in a mask, to another guy in a mask. Without being able to tell the winner, I came to the conclusion that we both lost.

But Mordecai lost more than me because he literally has no idea what he's done wrong.

I was going to inform him of this when Angel called us up on our Vault Hunting channel. "Hey D- Jack, I found some history on the Mine you might find useful." I love that kid! Always helpful, always likeable, never inactive.

Mordecai could learn a thing or two. "I like the way you think, kiddo! Whaddya got for us?" I asked, as my group, um- grouped up. I really need to expand my vocabulary.

"The Headstone Mine was originally a Dahl mining site, they indentured many criminals and prisoners into working. In return, their sentences were lowered, or they're executions were delayed."

"Slavery." Roland spoke in a blank tone, his fists clenched in anger. "Because that always goes so well." This is one of the few times I've heard his usually monotone voice make a different sound. I mean, it's wry, but that counts, right?

"Not in this case." Angel responded, probably to Roland's audible remark, rather than my internal monologue/thought process. "Sledge, the bandit leader you're hunting, was originally a worker here. However, a few months back, he instigated a mass prison riot, releasing many of the other prisoners, and killing the majority of the guards."

"A few months back, huh." I said, thinking over why that sounded so familiar. "Hey… Didn't Dahl throw in the towel around then?"

"Yes." Angel answered immediately, either having been thinking along the same lines, or just smart enough to immediately see the pattern. "This is very likely the reason. I'm unsure of what justification they gave to their employees, but it's clear that staying had become too costly."

"If they even bothered to give them a reason." I pointed out, thinking of the Lost Legion, as well Colonel Hector. "They seemed pretty eager to bail, left a lot of equipment, Could be they left some other stuff behind too."

Lilith's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "You don't think…"

"I don't know." I answered instead, predicting her question from the look of her face. I reluctantly continued. "But… If Hyperion ever does manage to get ahold of Pandora, we might need to do some scouting before we commit too much."

Which was my polite, and diplomatic way of saying: If there are any remaining Dahl forces by the time I start running this place, then there won't be when I'm done. I know it doesn't seem to translate too well, but politics has to do with more of what isn't said, rather than what is.

"Yeah, good call." Lilith responded, probably assuming I meant something nicer.

To be fair to her, I am going to try the nice, diplomatic way at first. But since I've played the games, I'm pretty sure we can all tell how far diplomacy will get me. Spoiler alert!: Not very.

Of course, if they are understandable, and fair about the situation, then they have nothing to worry about… It's wishful thinking on my part, I know. But I like pretending I'm not the only (occasionally) sane person in the galaxy.

"I thought so." I shrugged off the compliment, focusing on the immediate problem. "So, to recap: Dahl fuc- messed up," I've been trying to watch my language around Angel. It's a dad thing. "prisoners broke out, and now-"

"Now Pandora is all but overrun with bandits." Angel cut me off, while summing my thoughts perfectly. "The Headstone Mine is practically ground zero. You'll have your work cut out for you."

"Never liked an easy job, anyways." I said, before rubbing my metal plated goatee. "Okay, so history lesson aside, you know anything else about this place?"

"Like what?"

"Schematics? Blueprints? Any kind of map that'll help us navigate this crap shoot?" I asked, pondering where the hell we're going. And also, where the hell we are. Mines are virtually just a series of labyrinths and excavation equipment that all looked the same.

"Da- sir, it's a Mine" Angel stated incredulously, shocked that I actually asked for directions.

"So?"

"When have you ever seen a map of a mine? Never. They're not tourist attractions, they're a work site. A work site, that's part of a constantly changing environment." Angel rebutted, and I had to admit, she made a good point.

"What about Mine collapses?" I had a point or two of my own, however. "If, and more realistically, when they happen, you need a map on demand to properly lead evac."

"If they were honest workers, whose employers cared about their safety, health, and morale, then you would be right. Angel acknowledged, before continuing. "But they were prisoners, some of whom were already sentenced to death. Dahl only valued them as resources, and even if they didn't, they were very accepting of casualties."

Oh, right. "Just… find what you can, okay Angel?"

...​

She didn't find much, but Angel did manage to pull up an emergency escape route. It was, naturally, meant for upper management access only, so it took a bit of coding/hacking here and there to get a general layout.

But we got what we needed, a loose guideline to the King Bandit, or whatever their social hierarchy of anarchy makes him. I just do not get bandits, at all.

And after a couple minutes of blood, gore, explosions, and profanity, we managed to navigate our way to the top of the Mine. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that for the most part, the Mine's on the surface?

Mining works under the ground, not above it.

"Be careful." Angel warned us, her holographic (whatever, details) projection, made herself known, as she shot me a pleading gesture. "This one will be… challenging."

"What, the last ones weren't?" Mordecai asked her sardonically, probably raising an unseen eyebrow. I hate that mask.

"Sledge is strong enough on his own, but he's acquired a very powerful shield, likely from one of the former guards of the Mine." Angel clarified, her form gazing into Mordecai's goggles intently.

"How powerful?" Roland asked strategically. His eyes narrowing sharply at the presumed threat.

"Very." Angel answered, equally serious. My little girl's growing up! "Depleting it will consume a large amount of your ammo. Do you, perchance, have any shock weapons available?"

"I can handle that." I cracked my knuckles, flaring my lasers for dramatic effect.

"Then that's all the advice I can offer you." Angel seemed to visibly deflate, her holographic form looking towards me in concern. "Are you sure I can't-"

"We'll be fine." I reassure her. Half wishing, she was here so I could hug her. But mostly relieved she wasn't, Pandora is the worst place to have a bring your daughter to work day.

"Very well." She sighed in acceptance, but something tells me Angel wasn't very happy with my decision. "Then I'll leave you to it. Good luck."

"What was that about?" Lilith asked with a raised eyebrow.

Why can't my side chats ever come off as casual? "She's just worried. She's known me for a long time." Technically, not untrue. I've never been great at lying, but I do okay at misleading. "She'll grow out of it."

"No, it's sweet. Just... unexpected." Lilith decided, giving me what I hope is an approving look.

"That's not a turn off, is it?"

Lilith just chuckled, and gave me a saucy look, resting a hand on her hip. "What do you think?" She asked, adding a sensual tone to her voice.

Wasn't she supposed to be awkward at flirting?! How did she turn the tables? "I-"

And thankfully, Roland stepped in with a cough, unknowingly saving me from looking like a total idiot. "We should go."

Lilith sighed in disappointment, while I sighed in relief. Luckily, both our sighs sounded indistinguishable from the other. "Right, let's go kill that guy."

Brick pulled the lever, and the crate wall came down, revealing! More crates. Exciting stuff. Oh, and also Sledge.

Now how do I describe this guy? Let's see, he's like the mash up of pasty Abomination from Marvel, and a Mad Max villain. Dressed in his makeshift metal armor, with a helmet designed to intimidate, with broken horns and teeth, as well as a red visor.

While leaving his torso, completely open. Why does everyone do that? I have a six pack, should I try it? At any rate, the road warrior stripper turned his attention to us, his breathing became fast and furious. "Killing Sledge's men… MAKES SLEDGE ANGRY!"

Why do the super strong guys always have a speech impediment? The Hulk, Arnold Schwarzenegger, it just feels like the tougher you are, the dumber you get.

"RAAAGGGHHHH!" Then again, do you really need brains, if you have brawns?

The answer is yes. Before the behemoth of a bandit had a chance to hollow me into a Jack O. Lantern, I shot two deadly laser beams straight into his eyes. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Jack, he's got his shield up!' you'll complain. 'That's not gonna kill him!'

Well I don't need it too. As long as my shock reinforced lasers, keep eating away at his shields, while the light from said lasers blinds him, he can't kill me. And me not dying, is way better than him actually dying.

"Guys, his shield's down to fifteen percent, but I can't keep this up much longer!" You know how in the game, there's a cooldown for the lasers, turns out that's less of a mechanic, and more of a safety feature. If these things overheat, then my arms could blow up.

And unlike Gaige, I'm pretty attached to my arms... I'm not going to make the 'literally' joke, I've already done that with the mask.

The rest of the power puff squad got the memo, and started firing at the blinded man, which is good. However, the blind guy also heard me warn them, and is now charging at me. Which is not good.

"Shit!" Barely managing to dodge at the last second, I don't ever have to gasp as Sledge slams into the crate behind me. Dropping his shotgun, and leaving behind a noticeable dent, as the bandit chief rights himself. Shaking his head off, he turns to me, marching slowly and menacingly as I try to crawl away.

"Sledge is going to BREAK you little MAN!" Sledge threatened in the third person, which strangely, made me less worried. It's really difficult for me to take idiots seriously. Even when they're trying to kill me.

I continued to back up, until my back hit its own crate. I raised my pistol to defend myself, but Sledge swatted it away like a fly. He grabbed my throat, and brought me up to eye level, rearing his fist back to pound mine into paste.

I flinched back, closing my eyes, and bringing my hands up protectively. Speaking the last words, I may ever say, at least the ones I could choke out. "Not the mask-face!"

And as all hope seems lost, Brick, that big, beautiful boy, him, rushed in like a superhero. Stopping Sledge's fist in its tracks, and bending it, with the arm attached to it, with a cringing snap behind the bandit's back.

Sledge screams in anger, and pain. He hurdled the back of his head into Brick's chin, catching my boy off guard. Sledge released his grasp on me, and I wheeze for breath for a few seconds before turning my head back towards the fight.

Brick tries to hold his own, but it's clear that Sledge was the stronger of the two. I knew he didn't have much time to act, of course I also didn't know what to do. At the very least, the bandit's shield was down, so we at least had a fair shot.

I looked around for my pistol, for anything I could attack with, while my wrist lasers were still recharging. And my gaze fell on Sledge's discarded shotgun. I all but pounced on it, quickly loading it, and aiming my sights on the bandit leader.

Sadly, my actions didn't go unnoticed. As I turned back to Brick and Sledge, I was bitch slapped by the latter, while the former slumped up to the ground. I don't know if you knew this, but it turns out, that slap from a person twice your size, and ten times your strength, will pretty much knock you flat on your ass.

Sledge growled at me angrily and reared his boot back to crush down on my skull. He probably would have too, if he didn't fall down onto the floor next, with a notable gap in his chest.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't turn your back on Brick. What did surprise me though, was that the hole in his chest wasn't fist shaped. Turning back to Brick confused, I couldn't help my amusement or frustration, as I saw what he was holding.

"You know, boss." Brick said, hefting the shotgun comfortably in his arms, before grinning down at me. "You're right! Guns are cool."

I sighed.

"They sure are Brick, they sure are."

...​

"So, this is it." I smiled, gazing down at the chest placed at the foot of the former bandit king's throne. "Who wants to do the honors?"

Lilith, Roland, and Mordecai joined me and Brick shortly after our fight, sheepish, embarrassed, and apologetic. Turns out Lilith had gathered them to make her own battle strategy. Given that she's had a few good ones in the past, I can respect that.

They sent Brick out to help me, while they made their preparations, probably weren't expecting us to handle it on our own.

Doesn't matter now.

Because it was all worth it. Everything I've done, has led up to this moment. Soon, I'll be holding the first Vault Key. The one that's going to make me rich, the one that's going to help shape the galaxy.

The others exchanged a few looks among themselves, before nodding at me supportively. I couldn't help my eagerness, as I opened the loot crate, ignoring the piles of cash, in favor of the Vault Key.

I didn't entirely fake my surprise or my disappointment when I saw it. "Wait. No, no, no, no, no! This isn't a Vault Key! This is- Angel, what is this?!" I asked, not even trying to mask my frustration.

"The Vault Key has been fragmented, rest assured you are holding a part of it." Angel explains calmly. Pragmatically. Things I don't appreciate when I'm freaking the fuck out.

"Well where's the rest of it?! We're not going to be able to open a Vault with just this!"

"I…" Angel paused, as she patiently waited for me to calm down. "I don't know, but I know who does."

"Who?"

...​

In an abandoned dig site, previously funded and supported by Dahl, a particular scientist wearing a red coat, and goggles, that she had placed firmly above her head eyes, froze. And promptly sneezed.

"Achoo!" Dr. Tannis reacted, sniffing the grounds suspiciously. "A common bacterium has infiltrated the dig site?" Her eyes narrowed in paranoia. "This area has been compromised."

...​

AAANNNDDD CUT!

Thanks so much for reading! As always, we'll be back tomorrow with another chapter. If you want to catch up to the entire fic, feel free to check me out on FFN at the same name. If you want to read ahead even farther than that, and help me escape the looming threat of poverty, check out my Patreon, link below.

Until next time, kiddos!

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 11 Road Trap

Today at this time, for just this one beautiful moment, I was feeling smug.

And it wasn't because Brick and I killed the strongest, speech impaired, hulk knock off of a bandit leader. Coincidently making Pandora a slightly less shitty place to live. Yeah, it's gonna take a lot more dead bandits to make it decent.

No. No I'm smug because I finally, finally get to do one of the things I've wanted to do most since I've gotten to this world. Well… besides get rich, get laid, and get a bitchin space office… that's on the backburner for the time being.

But right now, I get to cross off something that's easily been on my top ten list for years. I get to drive a badass Bandit Technical off into the sunset… or just, the general direction of the sun. Beggars can't be choosers.

Man, I can't wait to buy Butt Stallion and try this again. Sadly… she was a little out of my price range at the moment. Just a little!

My boys down at R&D tell me it's possible, but they're gonna need more funding before we can bioengineer her. Plus, I kind of want to wait a bit to upgrade her with some Eridium. It's gonna be epic.

But to do that, we gotta open the Vault, then kill the Destroyer, and then I'll need to convince Hyperion that the planet's worth the effort… It won't be hard, but I'll still have to do it. And to even do that, we'll need to find Dr. Tannis.

The sanest psychopath on Pandora.

Or craziest genius. Smartest introvert? Whatever, she's something. And that something is going to help me get the rest of the pieces to crack open the Vault. Really wish I remembered that part of the game.

But when you compare it to the next three games, or even its DLCs, it just doesn't seem that entertaining. Or memorable. Or fun. It's supposed to be a video game not an MMO, why do I have to do all this fetching?

Maybe I should just focus on driving the car/monster truck.

Which was quite frankly, a little more challenging than I gave Roland credit for. Why does there need to be more than TWO pedals. Also, not complaining, I was American in my past life, but still curious, why is the steering wheel on the left side?

Wasn't the game made by Australians, originally as a Mad Max production? Sure, one could argue that Pandora could still be classified as its own individual planet, and I could get behind that, except for one thing.

Elpis, Pandora's moon, is entirely populated by Australians.

So, what's up, with that? Did Pandora's band of Russians, Rednecks, and others just kick them off world, and they settled at the nearest satellite? So many questions, so little- AH! Swerving!

"Jack!"

"Hey!"

"Watch it!"

"Easy, man!"

"Sorry!" I apologized, slowing down, and easing back on the gas, before bringing the car to a complete halt. "I think I hit something, do you guys see anything?"

The others shot me annoyed looks, before diverting their attention to the road behind us… and too the half mangled body of a psycho, that is now using his buzz axe as a cane as he tries to crawl his way towards us.

"Ah." I winced, looking, and feeling apologetic. "You think there's a chance he was like that before we hit him?"

Roland took a closer inspection of our technical, wrenching the psychos legs out the wheels before turning to me with a blank stare. "No."

"Right… I should probably just take it easy from here on-"

"Give me the wheel." Roland cut me off sternly, arms crossed in disapproval.

"Okay." I sighed, putting the car in break, as I hopped into the back next to Lilith, who patted me on the back sympathetically.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

...​

"Angel, what's our current ETA for New Haven?" Roland asked on the Vault Hunters link, the first of them to use it, but only professionally.

"You should be there soon." Angel reassured the ex-soldier, most likely having triple checked the map and data herself. "According to your tracers, you should be closing in on it within the hour."

"Refresh my memory." I requested of my daughter, for both the Vault Hunters benefit and mine. "Why exactly would they let us into New Haven? If I saw five heavily armed, sketchy looking guys, coming up on me in a Bandit Technical, I'd shoot first and ask questions later."

What? I would.

"Thankfully, the people of New Haven have a shiner disposition." Angel spoke dryly, but as her father, sort of, I could hear the unspoken amusement in her voice. "They're well defended, and aggressively more organized than many of the bandits you've encountered. They can afford to hear you out, and they will… Provided you don't give them a reason not to."

"You'd figure they would have tried to, you know, hide from the bandits, not challenge them." Lilith chimed in, mostly out of boredom. Then again, she did seem to like Angel, so maybe she was just making conversation.

"They don't deliberately provoke them, and New Haven is more or less an open secret at this point. After the bandit incursion forced them out of Old Haven, they settled here. Preferring to protect themselves through unity, rather than discretion." Angel explained the settler's actions, in a way that made more sense than the Writers.

"So, they don't have a secret, hidden base?" I asked for clarification, having thought that Sanctuary had at least existed, even if it wasn't visited, in the first game.

"No… well, not exactly. Why do you ask?" Angel changed the subject abruptly, but I let it slide.

"Because they're rebels." I explained, like it was obvious.

Lilith backed me up almost immediately. "Yeah, a secret base is practically a must. Star Wars law." She knows Star Wars! I knew I liked her!

Angel, having seen all of the movies, because both Jack and I, insisted on it, merely sighed in aggravation. "Star Wars isn't real life."

I gasped in horror. "Blasphemy!"

Angel couldn't help a giggle, before she controlled herself over the Echo. "Ahem, as I was saying," Was she saying something? "New Haven is not the most… welcoming to visitors, but they will at least listen to what you have to say. I'm sure you can convince them to let you in."

"Yup." I said smugly, feeling just a tad bit cocky. I cracked my knuckles, and then my neck for good measure, laying down my confidence pretty thickly. "Just gotta work that good old Jack Charm. Never fails."

"Really?" Mordecai questioned me, whether it was in curiosity or doubt, I had no clue. Note to self: Find a way to get his mask to show expressions.

"Never. Fails." I repeat, glaring at the Truxican sniper with my heterochronic eyes.

"Okay, okay." Mordecai raises his hands in surrender, forfeiting his undoubtedly foolish argument, before it can even begin. "Whatever you say, boss."

You see? Jack Charm, guaranteed to work two-hundred percent of the time. I should get it patented.

"Good. Then here's the plan, we stroll up to the gate, on foot. Then-" That was far as I got with my plan when Brick decided to interrupt me.

"On foot? We have to walk?! Why can't we just take the Technical?" Brick whined, furthering my mental image of him being an overly buff man-child.

"Because we don't want to get shot on sight. We took the ride from bandits, remember? Moving on, I'll ask to speak to the person in charge, given I'm the least intimidating guy here-"

"Why not, Lilith?" Mordecai rudely cut in. "She ain't exactly terrifying." Oh shit, he did not just say that.

My surprise is only matched by Lilith's outrage. But in a purely calm, and in no way petty, move, she lit up her eyes and tattoos, before raising a delicate eyebrow, at the unfortunate Truxican. "You were saying something? I think it sounded like, "I'm so sorry Lilith, you're way scarier than me. All I have is a weird mask, and a bird that people like more than me"."

I gotta hand it to her. Her impression: spot on.

Mordecai just gulped, while Bloodwing flew over to Lilith's shoulder, in a sign of support, and with a sense of survival. "Good point. I'm just gonna stop talking."

Lilith rolled her eyes and cut the glow. Giving a victorious smirk, as she stroked Bloodwing's beak affectionately. "You do that. So, you talk to the boss and then…" She picked up for me.

I really like this girl. "And we'll be honest, we need to talk to Dr. Tannis, and heard we can find her, or at least find someone who knows where she is, hanging around New Haven. If that doesn't work, I could drop a few names, maybe a few bills-"

"Jack." Roland called from up front. Jesus Christ, I am so tired of being interrupted!

"What?!" I asked, frustration clear in my voice.

"There might be a problem with that plan of yours."

"What kind… of… problem?" My question almost went unfinished, as we started to close in on the gates of New Haven, blockaded by over a dozen military grade Technicals.

The war dogs of the Atlas corporation.

The Crimson Lance.

...​

Corporal Reiss hated his job.

When he signed up with the Crimson Lance, he thought he was going to make a difference. He thought Atlas was going to be different. They were supposed to be, they were explorers, innovators, the good guys.

At least, that's what he thought they were. Instead, they were just like every other corporation, charging headfirst into progress. Completely unsympathetic to the lives they left ruined in their wake.

Maybe he should have seen that from the start, but the start was why he didn't. Atlas had discovered the first Vault, they revolutionized the universe, and before that they were just some low tier, almost unheard of weapon's manufacture.

It was probably naive of him, but he honestly believed that kind of rise from such a humble beginning, would keep them humble. Keep them from going off the rails like all the others. Instead, it just made them greedy. Hungry for that next big score.

And that drive drove them to continue hunting Vaults. To Pandora.

He didn't know what to expect when they first landed on the sun scorched, danger filled, crap hole of a planet. The monsters, the beasts, they weren't really a surprise. Reiss guessed they'd be around, they're really the only type of creatures that could rationally survive on Pandora.

Not that Pandora had encouraged rationality to survive. The bandits, the psychos, just remembering them made Reiss sick.

Reiss did know about them. Dahl, one of their largest competitors, had their own hunch about Pandora, first. They sent mining cities, established dig sites, deployed excavation teams with scientific advisors.

And, in typical Dahl fashioned, they hired workers they didn't have to pay. Not in the traditional sense at least. They moved hordes of their prisoners, and just a glance at some of their records was enough to make his stomach turn.

Mostly founded on the rumor that there might be a Vault on Pandora.

Atlas didn't interfere, not at first. No, they wanted to be sure. At the very least, they didn't want to devote resources to a pipe dream. A few intercepted messages here and there about evidence of Eridium involvement, and BAM. It was time to send in the calvary.

Of course, it was also around the time that the bandits who were prisoners, who were working for free, got really tired of being prisoners and working for free. They tried to lobby, and strike against their company overlords and wardens.

This however proved to be unsuccessful, so they decided to start a world class riot instead. And Dahl said "Fuck it. We're out!" Or at least that's how Reiss imagined that's how it went.

It was probably completely, and entirely wrong, but it was a thought that greatly amused him.

Naturally, Reiss assumed that he and the rest of the Crimson Lance would be sent to deal with the bandits, and lunatics that now littered Pandora. He should really stop doing that. Atlas has a nasty habit of letting him down.

No, on the contrary, instead of wiping out the violent, insane, and shirtless plague of blood thirsty killers (bloodthirsty is not metaphorical, freaking vampires) here they were, occupying a relatively sane community.

The hell if he knew why. Why should he know? It's not like he's in charge of guarding (blockading) New Haven. Oh wait, yes he was.

Frankly, he and most of the men under his command knew what they were doing was wrong. But orders were orders, and as much as he might despise the Atlassian higher ups, he literally signed his life away to them.

So, there's not much he can do, aside from inspecting everyone coming in or out of the small settlement.

Speaking of which… "Private," He addressed, based purely on the man's insignia, because for the life of him, he couldn't remember the man's name. "Why am I seeing a Bandit Technical not getting blown to hell."

"Because there aren't bandits driving it." The young bashful man answered him carelessly. Tacking on "Sir." before he got ahead of himself.

"Have them stop at the gates. I want to have a word with him." Reiss ordered, moving to stand by the gates himself, absentmindedly dismissing the Private as he did so.

For all intents and purposes, they didn't look like typical bandits. But there was nothing really typical about the people he could see.

One of them looked like he mistook protein powder for coffee mix. The other had a stupid goatee and a weirder mask on his face, with a bird on his shoulder. Then there was another guy who was wearing an admittedly stylish jacket and sweater, the Reiss wasn't sure if they were the right clothes for the dessert. Then again, Reiss also wasn't sure about the man's mask face.

They did have one normal looking chick. Well, normal by Pandora standards, so probably something buried under the surface, there. On the surface, she looked hot. Both in beauty, and in actual heat, because no one taught these people not to wear sweaters and jackets into the desert, during the middle of the day.

Seriously, what's up with that?

"You four, what's your business in New Haven?" Reiss asked one of their 'standard' questions, something he also wasn't sure about. If they were planning to do something bad, they wouldn't just tell them.

"Oh, we're looking for-" Would they?

"Brick!"

"-Supplies!" The aptly named Brick finished nervously. "Yup. Just supplies! Nothing nefarious here."

"Huh." The goateed man muttered quietly, stroking his bird's feathers gently. "Didn't think he knew that word."

"Right." Reiss spoke skeptically, giving them all a warning look.

"Look, uh Corporal…" The masked man trailed off, waiting for the man to elaborate.

"Reiss."

"Corporal Reiss, we're just explorers. Had a bit of a scrap with some of the locals, and uh, borrowed their ride. We're just trying to get some supplies and getting the hell off Pandora." He explained suavely, enough to put Reiss at ease.

"I hear that." Reiss replied sympathetically. "Who's driving this anyway?"

"Uh, just some guy we picked up along the way." The masked stranger's tone picked up a bit of hesitance to it, invoking an eyebrow raise from Reiss.

"Well, if it's all the same, I'd like a word with him." Reiss pushed on, suspicion creeping its way into his voice. Not even waiting for a reply, Reiss banged his hand against the window. "Open up."

The driver chose not to open the door, but he did roll his window down to reveal… a cowboy, with a fake mustache? "Is there an issue, sir?" He asked, before a cough from the masked stranger caused him to sigh. "Yee hah." He spoke each syllable with the most amount of deadpan possible.

Never before had Corporal Reiss seen such a strange bunch.

Thankfully for him, and unfortunately for New Haven, they didn't raise any alarms. "Go ahead." He backed off, raising an arm to flag them away.

"Thank you, sir." Another cough, slightly louder than the first. "That's… rootin tootin'."

Yup. Reiss really hated his job… but he supposed it could be worse.

...​

"I can't believe that worked." Lilith remarked, clearly in awe of my brilliant plan. Removing the jacket I gave her to hide her tatoos.

"Was the costume really necessary?" Roland asked, looking at me with a staggering amount of scorn.

"Absolutely." I answered unintimidated. "If he had seen you in your old- heh uniform, that wouldn't have gone half as well."

Roland seemed to mull it over before accepting it with a sigh. "And the… jargon?"

I shrugged. "That was just for fun." Before he could really seethe, I made for a quick change of topic. "Okay, so we're here. Now we just have to find Tannis. Any ideas?"

"Mr. Jack!"

No…

"Mr. Jack, you're here!"

It's not true…

"Mr. Jack, it's me!"

It's IMPOSSIBLE!

"Mr. Jack, look it's me! I'm right here! Gasp did you come here for me?! Claptrap?!"

NO! AGGHHH NOOOOOO!

...​

Well, Jack, at least you're not his dad… yet.

Oops! Was that foreshadowing? I guess the only way to know is to stay tuned! Or, you can always catch up at FFN, and even read five chapters ahead of that on my Patreon, link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 12 New Haven, Same Old Crap

Why?!

Why do bad things happen to good people?!

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

"I knew you'd come back for me! I just knew it!" Claptrap cheered joyously, his blue optical shining a brighter blue in happiness. All because he thought I came here for him, thus validating his existence.

It made me feel so… remorseful.

We shouldn't have come here.

We should have just left when we saw the blockade, but I thought, 'nah, if this is the worst the universe can throw at me, then I'm fine.'

Oh, what a fool I was. Not as big a fool as Claptrap, though. It's not a very high bar, but still, would you look at that idiot? He's dancing! Or trying to, by some strange, fowl robot edition, which ironically didn't include doing the robot..

He doesn't even have feet! It's just a sad, lonely little wheel, playing by itself. Kind of like Claptrap. And I'm no expert, but his technique… yikes! A cripple could dance better than that. At least a wheelchair has two wheels.

Lilith grabbed my arm, harshly. Pulling me by my metallic chin to look her in the eyes. "Make. It. STOP!" Couldn't agree more.

My hand slowly inches towards my hip, in an effort to reach my pistol. Ready to blast the Claptrap vocal's system into little bitty pieces of annoyance. "Don't." Angel warns me firmly. Ironically in the same tone of voice I used when she was doing something she knew she wasn't supposed to.

I groan inwardly (and probably, outwardly) and rely on my diplomacy to end the machine's madness. "Hey, buddy." I struggled to stay polite while speaking to the mechanical monstrosity.

"Yes, friend." Claptrap says the name, with a reverent tone. It makes my spine shudder. Is this a fear of friendship, or a disgust of Claptrap…

It's Claptrap. Definitely disgust. "We're, ugh, we are- so happy- to see you. But we need you to focus, okay? And- would you please STOP DANCING!"

Ah, my bad, lost a little bit of my cool there. Claptrap doesn't seem to mind, he made a sort of shrug movement that was oddly compatible with human shrugging. That's weird, right? He doesn't even have shoulders, he can't just- forget it. "Okay!"

He is too cheerful to be a survivor on Pandora. Or any other planet for that matter. The only protection the hunk of scrap carried to defend himself is Plot Armor. Sadly, I have no weapon that can pass the metaphysical barriers.

"Great. Now then, we're," I gestured to the four vault hunters, and specifically didn't include the robotic rakk bait. "Looking for Tannis, so unless you know where she is-"

"Tannis!" Claptrap audibly gasped, his crane like hands moving to his box like face.

I set myself up for that, didn't I? "You do know where she is. Don't you?" I asked despondent, somehow both enraged and depressed, followed by a heaping of disappointment.

"What? No!" Is it weird that I'm relieved by bad news? It's strange, but somehow I feel… kind of happy. "Pierce does! She was telling me about Dr. Tannis the other day! Something about sending me to her for spare parts?" I like her already. "I can take you to her!"

Damn. My happy feeling's gone. "Sure, Claptrap. That would be… wonderful." I manage to grit the words out, but they leave an awful taste in my mouth. Like rotten eggs that were dunked in spoiled milk, chased down with an unhealthy dose of apple vinegar.

In case it wasn't obvious, I really don't like Claptrap. "Great! Follow me!" Thankfully, Claptrap isn't the most perceptive guy. Do you think it has something to do with him technically not having any eyes?

Of course, we actually did follow him, so who's to say our perception isn't a bit shotty too? Halfway through our trip, Roland the Tactical decided the best way to get information was to interrogate Claptrap the Malfunctioning… Yeah, I don't know what his train of logic was either.

"What can you tell us about Pierce?" Great, I repeat, great question, Roland. But you are asking literally the worst person around.

"Well, she's ugly." Case in point. "But you can't tell her she's ugly." Oh, really? "She's very sensitive about her looks." One day, I am going to reprogram the entire Claptrap line. At the very least, I'll add a mute button.

"Noted." Roland spoke in a (I'm fairly certain) sarcastic tone. Then again, he's almost as bad with social cues as Claptrap, so maybe not? "How about how she leads? What are her methods? Are there any policies we should know about?"

"Hmmm, well she doesn't like skags." Claptrap offered unhelpfully. Because seriously, who does? "They kind of mauled her face." Ah, right. I remember that. The original Jack actually made fun of her for that.

Hopefully, I'll leave a better impression… that doesn't pierce her skull. Shit. I made a pun, didn't I?

Roland and his new annoying sidekick chatted away, while I and the rest of our gang committed mental suicide. Lilith scrunches her eyes as if suffering a migraine, Mordecai rubs his like he just took a hit from Brick, Brick looks pretty tempted to hit something, and Bloodwing…

She's flying above and beyond the reach of the future robotic overlord's voice. I envy that bird.

Next time around, I want to be reincarnated as a bird. Or maybe a bear. Wolf would be cool too. Decisions are hard, fuck off.

Not as hard as hearing Claptrap's voice, though. This is so far the biggest challenge I've faced since coming to a world that's actively trying to murder me in the most horrifying ways possible. 'Death by annoying, mechanical, self-proclaimed best friend'.

Got to give Pandora points for creativity.

AND effectiveness. If I can't get a distraction within the next five minutes… I can't be held responsible for- "Hey, guys! What y'all doing here?!" Not quite what I meant, but fuck it, I'll take it.

"Hey Scooter!" I greeted the redneck mechanic joyously, without the barest hint of desperation. Honest. "We're looking for Tannis, have you seen here?!"

"Nah." Goddammit Scooter.

"Hey, could we maybe get a few repairs for the Technical?" Lilith butted in eagerly. I see where she's going with this. I love this girl!

"Well, sure! What's wrong with it?" Scooter asked happily, after all we were (read: I'm) going to have to pay him.

"Jack drove it through a psycho." Brick offered helpfully, or at least what he thinks is helpful. At least he's trying, it's probably a struggle for the man to think. You can't flex your brain.

"...When you say, "drove it through a psycho", what exactly do you-"

"Details aren't important." I interrupted the mechanic, fixing a small and quick glare onto Brick. "The point is you can fit it. Right?"

"Umm, I guess." Scooter scratched his face, leaving behind yet another oil stain, as he shrugged indifferently. "Call it up in the garage, and I'll get started."

"Great!" My happiness is restored! "Me, Lilith, and Brick will help you out. The rest of you go find Pierce." Lilith and Brick gave me a relieved smile, Roland an accepting nod, and Mordecai gave what I assumed to be a panic look.

"Actually, amigo," Mordecai started, looking nervously back and forth between Claptrap and me. "Maybe I should go with you?" Oh, no. I hold grudges Senor Sniper, consider us even.

"Sorry," I wasn't though. "But you need to help out Roland in case Claptrap's just stringing us along. Bloodwing's the only one who can fly high enough to find Pierce."

Well, Angel could check a satellite too, I guess. But I already have her busy looking for the other Vault Key fragments in case this turns out to be a bust. Plus, this is more fun for me. Also, I'm kinda genuine. I trust Claptrap as far as I can throw him.

And believe me, that rolling piles of scrap is deceptively heavy.

"Are you sure I can't-" Mordecai looks desperate, or at least his body language does. On the bright side, now I can tell how he feels! Well, the bright side for me anyway.

"Yup!" I interrupt the man's pleading, taking far too much joy in the process. "We really need to get going, faster we're in the garage, faster we fix our wheels, and that means the faster we find Tannis! Sooo, gotta go, bye!"

I could hear Mordecai groan and whine as we took off. He might've followed us anyway if Roland didn't stop him. I'm still not sure if it was because my argument was sound and logical, or because the soldier boy didn't want to suffer alone.

Probably a bit of both, huh?

...​

Scooter's garage is… cleaner than I expected.

And no, I don't mean it's sparkling or spotless, the place was more cluttered than Claptrap's CPU. I was thinking more PG clean, you know?

I'm not saying he has a filthy mind. Or that having incestuous thoughts, having been raised by a horny and open milf of a homicidal mom, and having lived on Pandora of all planets for his entire life, guarantees that he would be batshit crazy. Although, now that I'm saying it out loud, that might actually be true…

Look, the guy asked you to pick up porno mags in the second game, okay. That's not a thing normal people do. That's as good as admitting you don't get laid. Without even having enough self-esteem to use the internet!

Or, Echo-net. Whatever.

Overall, though, the garage was lacking anything that might be labeled obscene by the general public. I was naturally, and justifiably suspicious.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the guy I do. He's resourceful, comedic, gullible, and pretty handy when you need help fixing a rocket… Okay, that joke was a little dark, sorry. But regardless, the guy is super sketchy.

And again, I know, its Pandora, murder is the national pastime, but still, he does it a lot, like way more than normal people should. Seriously, this guy's a mechanic. Killing people shouldn't need to happen much in that line of work.

Although, technically speaking, I'm just a glorified salary man, and people have tried to kill me way more times than anyone's ever tried to kill Scooter. I'm probably not in a position to throw stones.

Well, there's only way to prove my little conspiracy theory. "Hey Scooter, are you doing something wrong?"

"Whaaat?! Pssh, nooo! Why would you think that?" Strong, solid argument, Scooter. I have no rebuttal. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. Because I'm not an idiot.

"Yeah, you're definitely acting suspicious." I squinted my eyes, in emphasis of my suspicious- ness. Have I mentioned that I need to expand my vocabulary?

"Mhhmph, that was a pretty sus statement." Lilith agreed, rubbing her non-metallic chin in thought. "What do you think, Brick?"

"I don't know what to believe anymore!" Brick shouted, collapsing to his knees in grief. Clutching his head, as he lacked the hair to do so, in anguish. That's Brick, big, strong, reliable Brick.

Again, that's what we call sarcasm.

Lilith and I took a minute to watch the monumental shell of a man cry out in despair, for what's admittedly just a hunch, before turning our attention to the redneck. "Okay, seriously. What's up?"

Scooter sighed. "Fine. I was working on some upgrades to y'all's Technical. I didn't tell you 'cause I wanted it to be a surprise! And so, I could give you hidden charges." The mechanic explained reluctantly, also he mumbled. What's up with that?!

"What was that last-"

"Oooh! Upgrades! Lemme see, lemme see!" Brick cheered instantly, sprigging to a height that would make Master Chief jealous. His bad mood seemingly forgotten. His manners were apparently also forgotten.

I swear, the next person to interrupt me… that's my size… and sex… and isn't more powerful than me is really gonna get it.

…

I'm never going to get that chance, am I?

Probably not. Not unless it's Claptrap, anyways- I am so happy right now. Slight problem though, where am I going to hide all those Claptrap corpses from Angel? You know what, let's just put a pin in that.

After all, I should see some of the 'upgrades' myself. If I let Brick pick then I just know Mad Max is gonna sue us. Or maybe Mad Moxxi. Or maybe she won't? Scooter is her kid. So, it should be fine, unless they're in on it together-

Right. Still gonna need to investigate that. Later though. I need to look over some designs.

...​

They were admittedly, pretty fucking badass upgrades.

I wish there weren't so many freaking micro payments. But what's done is done. At least I managed to make a few mental notes about some of my designs for the Handsome Jackpot. One of them being 'Invite Scooter'.

Because he's Moxxi's, my co-founders, kid. I'm reuniting a family, for a holiday vacation. Yup. No ulterior motives here. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And if they accidentally happen to get charged a few minor, inconvenient charges, well maybe that's just Karma. Or Claptrap. Claptrap's an excellent fall guy. Super easy to push him over. Fun too.

So anyways, you may be wondering what exactly are the upgrades provided to us by Pandora's most infamous mechanic (fight me Ellie). Well, that my dear conscious, is a secret. Don't worry! It's a good one.

Speaking of good news! Roland and his side of the D&D party found Pierce, you know, the tragically scarred, de facto leader of New Haven? Oh! Right, we shouldn't mention the scars. To her face. That would be rude.

We'll just have to gossip about it behind her back, like civilized people.

As my half of the gang, consisting of Brick, Lilith, and me, the cool kids, walked up the steps leading into the (mayor/sheriff/corporate overlord?)'s office, I could make out the sound of a monstrous digitized voice.

"And Mr. Jack sent me to find you! Because he's on a super-secret mission to-" Okay, maybe 'monstrous' is giving him too much credit. But that voice, it's worse than nails on a chalkboard, I swear.

"Someone shut him up before I shoot him." Helena Pierce, administrator of New Haven, and former Dahl employee, hence she is not on my shit list. She's already threatened Claptrap, so actually she's on my nice list.

I, of course, did nothing. I was perfectly okay with Claptrap getting shot, and as long as it wasn't me, Angel can't be peeved about it. Win-Win! Sadly, Roland decided to interrupt the robot who was still. Fucking. Talking.

Incidentally saving Claptrap's life in the process. Congrats Roland, you're now a few points off my nice list. "We need your help." Roland, blunt, straight to the point, still kind of vague. Classic.

"I gathered that." Pierce replied in her snarky British accent. At least I think it's British. Real talk, it's pretty hard for me to tell the difference between Australian accents and British accents when it comes to women. Not really sure why.

"We're looking for Tannis." I elaborate briefly, crossing my arms. It's a good pose for me. Really brings attention to my muscular arms.

"Tannis? You and every corporation on Pandora." Pierce scoffed, likely having noticed my Hyperion logo. Why'd I let my tailors stitch that in?

"Yeeaaah, but we're the good guys!" I emphasized, waving my arms out expectantly at my backup. They didn't even try to pose heroically. Why am I even paying them? The people I hire keep letting me down, mam. It just breaks the heart.

Pierce snorted. "Atlas said the same thing. Next thing I know, they're blockading my settlement. Confiscating our weapons, our rations, and keeping us trapped in the town we made to protect ourselves."

"I could get rid of them." I offered temptingly. Smirking just a bit when I saw her eyes flash wide open. Actually, it looked pretty freaky. I swear, Two-Face doesn't have it as bad as this chick… alright it's not that bad. But it is bad.

This time, t'was Pierce who crossed her arms together, giving me a glare worthy of someone three times Brick's height. "How?"

"Let me make a call."

...​

Corporal Reiss had gotten some pretty strange orders before.

He's been ordered to spy on his commanders, he's been ordered to scrub the latrines with a q tip, he was once ordered to stand guard outside a male strip club.

So as far as strange orders go, Reiss was no stranger to them.

But even he had to admit. These orders were a bit… unorthodox. "Repeat, Commandant?"

"I said you are to depart New Haven immediately. Do you copy, Corporal?" Yup, he heard her right. Still didn't make a lick of damn sense.

"I copy, Commandant. It's just… why?" Mind you, he didn't dislike the orders, he was just deeply confused by them. They were ordered to keep New Haven in line, why leave?

Steele paused a moment before to his surprise, she actually answered. "There has been a large force of bandits moving towards the Headstone Mine. I am uncertain as to why, but if we allow these dam- ahem, darn bandits to act, there is no telling the casualties we may suffer."

So, they were finally getting sent to deal with the bandits, huh? Well it's about damn time. "Understood Commandant. Bravo Squad moving out."

...​

"How was that?" Angel asked, her voice still mixed with Steeles. She wasn't smug, she wasn't cocky, but she did seem exceptionally proud. A well-earned pride, at that.

"Nice work, Angel!" And as her father, and a man very pleased to find competent help, I was more than happy to feed her ego.

"It was impressive." Pierce admitted, at least a nugget of respect was audible in her voice.

"Sooo?"

Pierce sighed, but she smiled, nonetheless. "Alright you were true to your word. I'll return the favor."

Freaking Finally!

It's time to get some fragments… and maybe test a few upgrades along the way.

...​

But not in this chapter… this chapter's done.

If you want to read the next like, twenty-five or so chapters, feel free to catch up on FFN. and if you want to read five chapters ahead of that, check me out on my Patreon, link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 13 Let's Play Doctor

Back in the backseat… yay.

I just love being treated like a frickin' Claptrap in my own car. Makes me feel all warm inside. Or is that the burning fire of rage. Don't know. I always get the two mixed up. Either way, gotta admit, it's pretty embarrassing.

I ran over a bandit once. Once!

We've done way worse intentionally, and that was my first time driving the death-mobile. Cut me some slack, guys! It's not like I was trying to cripple the bandit (though he probably deserved it) in the most painful way imaginable!

Accidents happen. Why do you think Claptraps exist?

If there is one thing I'm grateful for, it's that we left the malfunctioning robot in a place he can't bother us anymore. Scooter's garage. Don't worry, I've seen what that place looks like, they'll never find his chassis.

Well, unless they follow his gratingly cheerful voice commentary.

No, no Jack. Peaceful thoughts, happy thoughts. He can't find you now, you are beyond the reach of his stubby little claw arms. I'm good.

I'll be even better once we get to Tannis' dig site.

It is Tannis' dig site, right? She isn't just squatting in another one of Dahl's many abandoned projects? Because quite frankly, that sounds exactly like something she would do. Why are smart people always so crazy?

I mean it, there's a precedence! Tannis, Nakayama, Cassius, the boys back at R&D, hell even Scooter. All, incredibly brilliant minds that are incredibly insane. Do they just trade away their common sense for a bigger IQ?

I dunno. Maybe it's just God's way of compensating. Or the writer's way of compensating. Given that it's Borderlands, the lack of a well-rounded character does not surprise me. Heck, maybe I'm crazy… nah, that's stupid.

I'm definitely crazy.

I'm broken out of my thoughts by the sounds of fingers snapping in my face. "Sup." Lilith grinned as my eyes fell on her. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"Do you even have a penny?" I asked, humoring the red haired Siren.

"Nope."

"Damn." It would have been nice to make some money back. "I'm just thinking about Tannis." Not untrue. I shouldn't have to tell her my every thought, she didn't have a penny after all.

"Should I be jealous?" Lilith teased, her lips smiled casually, but her eyes sparkled dangerously. I should tread lightly here. You know what they say, 'No wrath like a woman scorned.' I do not want to be the idiot who tried that with a Siren.

"No…" Why did I say it like I'm hiding something?! Quick say something better! NOW! "She's just the first doctor we're meeting on Pandora. It's a big moment for us."

"Second." Lilith corrected.

"Zed's not a doctor. Guy's got zero credibility, trust me, I had Angel check. Thank God we didn't need any medical treatment-"

"I wasn't talking about him." Lilith crossed her arms and looked at me expectantly.

Uhh "Ummm. I don't think Pierce was a doctor, either." I remarked confused, as her glare seemed to deepen. Well I'm sure as hell that Scooter's not a doctor. Seriously, are there any schools on Pandora. I've never seen one, and I've been to two communities now.

"I'm a doctor." Lilith spoke, her glaring eyes taking a particularly menacing glow.

Thankfully, I was too shocked to be terrified. In fact, at her statement, I blinked. Then I blinked again, and a third- "Really?"

"Yes."

"You're a doctor?"

"Yes!" Lilith's tone became more exasperated, as the anger in her eyes started to fade into annoyance. "Why is that so surprising? Didn't you say you did a background check?"

"I did!" I defended myself because I totally did. Technically I did two background checks… actually… "Well, Angel did anyway. But I'm pretty sure I would have remembered her telling me that."

I would have! Right?

"Angel, did you tell me Lilith was a doctor?" I asked into my Echo for Lilith's clarification. I am one thousand percent positive that I have made zero mistakes. Ever.

"Yes." Oh crap, really? "I think?" Come again? "I may have been a bit distracted once I found out she was a Siren." Ah, well that's perfectly reasonable and makes complete sense. Something that was strangely uncommon for me.

"Okay, so I missed a detail." I admitted to the phase-walking, future teleporting, badass. "You're a doctor. That's great, congratulations, yadda yadda."

"Gee thanks." Lilith replied dryly, her posture more relaxed then it had been about ten seconds ago. "It's nice to be appreciated."

"No, I mean it!" I said in a more genuine tone. "That's good, we have a medic now. If Brick gets his arm blown off, you could stitch it back on."

"YES!" Brick cheered, pumping a fist enthusiastically.

"Okay, one: that definitely wouldn't work." Lilith started off with an amused tone that began to border on sheepishness. "And two: I'm uh, I'm not that kind of doctor."

"Aw." Brick deflated almost immediately. It was kinda sad, also kinda funny, but mostly sad.

"It would absolutely work." I argued. Lilith's only response was to raise an eyebrow. "What do you know? Apparently you're not that kind of doctor."

Lilith just gave a huff in indignation. "Shut up."

"So, what are you a doctor of, anyways?" Mordecai asked, reminding us all that he was, in fact, still in our team. "Archeology? Philosophy?"

"Oh, yeah. Those guys can technically be doctors." I mused to myself. Isn't that bizarre? I mean, I can get that there's like an associate degree for it, but can you actually think of any job it would be good for?

Other than teaching it? Because that's a cop out answer.

Lilith wisely ignored my mumbling and answered our sort of Hispanic partner. "Science, all the cool kids are doing it these days."

"True." I stretch my fist out for fist bump that Lilith mockingly returns. "Nice."

"Are you a doctor, Jack?" Brick asked curiously.

"Nope." I denied, mildly disappointed by the little factoid. "I got my masters, though."

"What's the matter?" Lilith teased. "Did your professors use too many big words."

"No!" I shot back immediately, glancing at the red head with an amused glare. Before more… painful memories surfaced. "No… I uh, I got married around then. Something came up and… I had more important things to deal with."

A baby in case you were wondering. My Angel.

"You're married?!" Lilith asked, surprised and unless I was mistaken, a little disappointed.

"I was married." I corrected with a wry smile. "She's gone now."

"Divorced?" Roland asked uncharacteristically, sympathy clear in his voice from the driver's seat.

I shook my head grimly "Widowed." I answered solemnly. "Same time I got… this." I gestured to my mask covered face. Touching the surface of it almost uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"It's fine." I said distractedly, not even sure who was apologizing. "It was a long time ago."

They say time heals all wounds. Well, in my personal opinion, 'they' are full of shit. Doesn't matter how much time, distance, or obstacles you put between you and the pain, it'll never stop hurting.

"Just…" I stopped myself before I could hear my voice crack. "Let me know when we get there, cool?"

"Yeah, boss."

"Sure thing, amigo."

"Understood."

"Jack…" Lilith paused, putting her hand on my shoulder supportively. "If you… need to talk or something…" She trailed off uncertainty.

"I'm good." I cleared my throat, resolved not to choke up. "But ah, thanks. I appreciate it."

Lilith nodded, and we spent the rest of the ride in a comfortable, if a little tense, silence.

...​

Doctor Patricia Tannis did not consider herself a 'morning person'.

As a child she used to despise this time of day. Her mother being the one to wake her every morning had done little to kindle any fond memories. Such an act might have worked if Patricia's mother wasn't such a horrible, horrible woman.

Patricia only grew to hate mornings more in the years to come. For when she woke, she was required to study or work, all acts she enjoyed doing, but not when overcome with an unbearable fatigue.

As a doctor, she knew that in theory, if she simply allowed herself more hours of rest, she would be able to operate much more efficiently in her waking hours.

Regrettably, sleep was not a luxury she could afford in such supply. For more hours of sleep meant less hours of work, and less hours of work meant less time to figure out how to open the Vault.

Since the Vault was on a deadline, steeper and more demanding than her midterms, she needed to spend as long as she could conducting her research. Before her window expired. It can all be explained in her research.

Sleep = no work no work = no Vault no Vault = months and live wasted +

Her logic was flawless.

Besides, when would she sleep anyways? At night? Have you seen the solar cycle of Pandora? It's a ninety hour rotation daily, a full year on Pandora is worth ten on Earth. Further evidence for her hypothesis, that Pandora is actively trying to murder its inhabitants.

So, Patricia would simply have to bear these cruel, malevolent mornings as best as she could.

Sandwich time helped! Indeed, her rations were stretched thin, though she was able to conserve them a bit longer after the fat girl, Chimay died. Ah! There's that strange feeling again… What was it called? Gilt? Guil? Guilt-?

It doesn't matter.

What matters is that Patricia will be able to enjoy her first sandwich of the day! First comes the bread, then the cheese perhaps. Bacon?! Bah, bacon is the sustenance of sycophants and products of incest. Some lettuce would be nice, though… and mustard? Should she dare? She was almost out…

No! She shan't risk it. Mustard was reserved for victories.

Patricia will simply have to settle for another condiment less meal. Again. Such is life. At least she was able to eat in blissful silence-

"Hey! Open up!" She heard a muffled voice shout angrily.

Frowning to herself, and unwilling to release her sandwich, Patricia moved to her console. She switched out of her tabs of research, notes on the elusive Eridians, theories on the Vault, and pictures of cats in amusing outfits that she-

Had absolutely no idea about, of course. Why would she? She certainly held no fondness for cats nor their offspring. No matter how adorable they may look in people clothes-

Patricia closed ALL of her tabs and brought her security feed into view.

On the screen she observed four heavily armed, and extremely attractive, individuals. Perhaps they were the Vault Hunters she's heard of? The ones that killed Sledge, his men, and then took all of his possessions?

Wonderful!

"Gah!" Patricia choked on her excitement, and also a mouthful of sandwich. Hastily and a tad frantically she swallowed. Gasping only a few moments for breath, her heart rate slowed.

Her eyes, however, did no such thing, as they glared maliciously at the screen. Her excitement of potentially having capable assistance, overshadowed by her rapidly growing annoyance of having meal time interrupted.

Determinedly and most definitely spitefully, she strode to the door with wrathful purpose. Prepared to greet these uninvited guests with all the scrutiny they deserved. Maximum prejudice!

Sandwich still in hand, she swiftly entered the code to her security authorized entrance and yanked it open. Fortunately, she managed to do it before her social anxiety kicked in. Facing the man wearing an oddly enticing mask, she gave an insult that was sure to leave the deviant in shambles. "Mphmph!"

"Ah… what?"

Ha! Clearly this dullard was incapable of understanding the truly enlightened level of mockery that was Doctor Patricia Tannis. Very well, she shall simply 'dumb it down' into something the simpleton could comprehend. "Mphh Mph!"

"Yeah that's… great. Listen, honey" Honey?! That is far too familiar a way to address her. Besides, Patricia wasn't ready for a relationship yet. She had ended things with Echo Recorder only four months ago. She needed time.

Is he still speaking?

He wasn't now. Indeed, he was simply staring at her blank faced, how uncouth. His green and blue eyes boring into her left her quite uncomfortable. They didn't match at all. Perhaps she could fix that? An errand for another day.

The masked man sighed. "It's… could you just swallow and talk to me. Please?"

Swallow? Oh, yes! Patricia was still enjoying her sandwich, no wonder the handsome stranger couldn't understand her. He clearly wasn't fluent in the ravenous-hunger speech like she was. Gulping down the second quarter of her sandwich, Patricia crossed her arms coldly and bore into the man with her stare. "You are interrupting sandwich time."

"No shit." The handsome man deadpanned.

"Indeed. There is not a single issue of excrement in my dig site." Patricia declared proudly. After all, it was her who repaired the sewers after her coworkers expired.

The man seemed oddly displeased by this information because he groaned rather audibly into his hand. "That's not… God whatever, fine. Are you Tannis?"

"No." Tannis paused as the probable Vault Hunter released a groan far more vocal than his last. "I'm Doctor Patricia Tannis, if we are going to converse then I expect you to address me accordingly, you unscrupulous Adonis."

"It's Jack, Handsome Jack." The now named Jack introduced himself, crossing his arms as he began to breathe heavily through his nose. Quite an unusual method of hyperventilation, in her opinion. "If we're going to have our little convo, then the least you could do is return the favor, kay?"

"I see." Patricia agreed impassively, watching as Jack breathed a sigh of relief before continuing. "Unfortunately for you, you are interrupting my lunch, and are therefore forbidden from speaking with me any further. Gooday."

And on that note, she shut the door in Jack's face before his mask even had the chance to take on a look of surprise. Smiling peacefully, she resumed eating her lunch in the blissful, empty silence that permeated- Bang! Bang!

Oh dear, what is it now?

"You have sandwiches?! Can I have one?" This voice did not belong to the man she had just spoken with. It held a level of immaturity and an utter lack of suave that led her to believe it belonged to the large, brutish man she saw on the monitor.

Well, she had but one reply for the Vault hunting behemoth. "Ha!" Patricia vocalized her amusement (though it was truly more of a lack of amusement) at the foolish request. "As if I would bequeath one of my rationed lunches to a-"

"If I brought you food, would you let us in?" The voice of Jack questioned her in a blank tone.

Of course not! Her standards weren't so low that she would allow these ruffians entrance into her only sanctum on Pandora in return for… food that wasn't… that she could… Patricia was weak.

She tentatively opened the door and gave a sigh of defeat. "Very well, let us engage." Patricia shuddered. "Verbally."

...​

I have met a lot of crazy people on Pandora.

But Tannis… She takes the cake. Hell, she takes the cake, the cookies, the ice cream, those little sweet roll things- just ALL the deserts of the crazy people buffet. Thankfully, I have had (against my better judgment) a bit of experience of dealing with the psychologically challenged.

A bit more than a bit, actually. Like, a lot more.

So much experience, that Tannis' antics almost didn't faze me. Almost. Admittedly, there is only so much insanity that I can stand before I start to lose it too. The bandits already used up more than their fair share of my patience.

Hopefully, we can get this squared away, before I start to seem on edge.

"Jack, are you okay?" Lilith asked me in a whisper, as the mad doctor led us further into her lair.

Well that didn't take long. "I'm fine." I grumbled.

"Really?" She asked again with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Jack..." Lilith trailed off warningly.

I sighed as if it pained me to admit it. Which it did, but only metaphorically. "I'm just a little tired, okay?"

That was also metaphorical, I slept for a good portion of the ride here. Lilith seemed to understand what I meant, at least. "Okay, just… be cool. We're almost done here."

"I know."

We continued to follow Tannis as her anxious pace began to near its end. She imputed a code, too quickly for my eyes to follow into a nearby panel, and one of the walls began to slide open. "This way, please." She instructed calmly, as she walked into a room so well hidden that a serial killer would be jealous.

What we saw left me speechless.

Walls filled with research on the Eridians, the Vaults, everything hastily tacked on, some I could swear were put there with bubblegum- Nope, wait that is definitely bubblegum. Gross.

"Welcome to my lab!" Tannis announced proudly if a bit hesitant. "Previously funded by the Dahl cooperation."

"Okay, seriously?!" I remarked a bit frustrated. "Why does everyone sign up with Dahl? What is even remotely appealing, about those chest pounding, jargon speaking, wannabe soldier boys, that makes everybody gung ho to enlist?!"

"They paid me quite sufficiently and were willing to see past my disabilities." Tannis shrugged, unphased by my rant entirely. I stared at her, waiting for her to continue.

She did not.

"Wait, that's it?" I asked her, confused. I get that she was a few puffs short of cuckoo, but she was one of, if not the brightest mind, in the entire borderlands! All you need to do to hire her was give her fair wages, and ignore some of her more eccentric quirks?

"Yes."

"How would you like a job?" I am not letting this slip through my fingers.

Tannis' eyes widened in surprise, but she quickly feigned disinterest. "I suppose, I would not be opposed to a new occupation. Though, having worked independently for some time, I would require certain incentives, in order to return to a corporate lifestyle."

I smiled. "I think that could be arranged."

...​

Be careful what you promise Jack… You just might have to keep it.

Speaking of promises kept… welcome back to a brand new chapter of Handsome Jack: The Hero? We finally get to see Tannis, there's a few soft moments here and there, and in the next chapter, they'll know their target. See you all tomorrow with the update!

Or, you can catch up to what's happened on FFN, and even read ahead on my Patreon, link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 14 Taking Out The Trash

"Okay, and sign here…" I highlighted the place on one of the various papers of employment that Hyperion issued to me.

"Very well…" Tannis spoke, the boredom radiating off of her could empower several teenagers into becoming goth. She had little to argue with though. Guess the contracts they have at Dahl are pretty bad too.

"Great, and initial there…" Admittedly, being on this side of the admittance process wasn't exactly thrilling either.

"Where?"

"Where I'm pointing with my finger, hun."

"You have multiple fingers. Would you like to clarify, or should I begin a process of elimination." Tannis threatened, I guess the frustration was getting to her.

"It's literally the only one on the paper." I deadpanned with a roll of my heterochronic echo eyes. Seriously Tannis, this is about as fun for me as it is for you.

"Ah." Tannis coughed into her hand, probably in a way she thought was subtle. You know how before, I mentioned before about how the geniuses of the galaxy were all crazy? Well, the ones who aren't insane in the membrane, seem to lack all common sense. Tannis is smart enough to qualify for both hang-ups. "Yes, of course. I see that, now."

"Uh huh." Now don't be fooled, just because I agreed to that sarcastically, doesn't mean I believed it at all. Again, I know this is an implied thing, but I'm making sure any geniuses out there have a complete understanding of what I'm saying.

"I still believe it would have been more prudent of me to have read the contract before signing." Tannis muttered in a semi-dignified manner.

"Look, the thing's over fifty pages long, stacked with enough double meanings, written implications, and fine print to make the lowest lawyers in hell cringe." I point out with a roll of my eyes, and a shrug of my shoulders. "Bottom line is, you work for us, we pay you well, and leave you alone." I paused. "Or with employees. So, you don't get any more crazy."

Tannis scowled at me before rubbing her eyes with a sigh. "That would be… acceptable. Provided I am allowed to do my own background checks."

"Sure." I 'concede'. Why should I care who she hires? On second thought. "Friendly tip: don't hire anyone from Pandora. Most of the inhabitants are either homicidal or insane. Usually both."

"Hey!" Brick whined defensively.

I raised one of my mask's eyebrows. "You're from Pandora?" Because I'm pretty sure he's not. Feels like something I would remember. Admittedly, all I remember about Brick's origin story is that he had a dead dog (sad) and that he beat a man to death with a brick (not so sad).

It wouldn't be the first time things have slipped through the cracks.

"No." Brick denies the accusation, and confirms that just because he's eccentric, doesn't mean he's crazy. At least not until he's lived on Pandora for a couple of years. Then he'll start blowing up trains and shit. "I just think you're being very discriminatory to people who live on Pandora."

Discrima- what?! "Excuse me? Have you seen the residence? I think a little bias in selection is pretty justified here. Right guys?"

Roland ignored me, he does that a lot. It's starting to hurt my feelings. Lilith gave a supportive nod, but Mordecai seemed more skeptical. "I don't know, man. I don't think I want to touch this one."

"Oh, come on!" I shout indignantly. "What's wrong with making sure the people you hire aren't batshit crazy. That's just a basic screening process."

"Yeah." Mordecai sighed. "And there's nothing bad about that on an individual level, but when you start classifying this stuff on a global level…"

Oh right, he's Truxican. Shit! Was that racist? Space racist? Spacist? Is this bit played out?

"That's fair." I accept the critique calmly, but with a rebuttal up my sleeve. "But Pandora isn't like most planets. I'm not sure if it's something in the water or the air, or if all loops back the Vaults somehow, but it just seems to have an insanity field circling around it."

"An insanity field." Mordecai deadpans.

"I know how it sounds." I raised my hands in defense. "Just a theory, for now. But I'm pretty sure this planet doesn't just attract crazy people. I'm like, sixty percent sure that it's what makes people crazy."

As it is written (by the writers of the games) so it will come to pass.

"Nah." Lilith waved my conspiracy away.

"Yeah, I'm not buying it." Mordecai denied my logic, crossing his arm. Then immediately uncrossing them because Bloodwing didn't like when her perch shifted.

"Uhh, you lost me at "insanity field"." Brick admitted sheepishly.

Roland grunted ambiguously. Fuck you too, Roland.

"It does seem quite unlikely." Tannis, the crazy science lady with almost no empathy, no sociability, and a complex perspective of seeing objects as something more relatable than people, agreed with the sheep. What a surprise. "May me move this along?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." I sarcastically apologize. "Am I interrupting your busy day of doing nothing while being alone?"

"No." Tannis answered, her intellect either not quite grasping, or completely ignoring my sarcasm. "However, time is of the essence should we wish to piece the Vault Key together before our window expires, leaving us with not but a useless key and a waiting period of two centuries… Also, my next sandwich time is approaching, and I do not wish for your company while I dine."

Huh.

"Fair enough." I drop my own stack of papers. "Let's just rain check this for now, and uh deal with the Vault stuff. Priorities, right? So… where do we find the fragments?"

Tannis orderly stacked her share, and mine, into nice, distinctive, and desirable piles, the likes of which would make someone with OCD jealous. "You may find the first within the proverbial hoard of treasures accumulated by a particularly notorious bandit named 'Sledge'. It has come to my attention that you have already disposed of him, now all you need do, is reconvene at his hideout and-"

I wave my hand frantically and dismissively. "Yeah, cool. We got that one already, which one next?"

Tannis frowned. I'm not sure if it's because I told her something she didn't know, or because I interrupted her. Geniuses are weirdly prideful. What do all these nerds have to be so smug about? Oh wow! You got an A on your final?! Great job! Sooo impressed. Let's cue a nice, slow, sarcastic clap.

Yeah, I went there. Come talk to me when you've done something cool.

Oh shit, Tannis is glaring at me. Was I thinking out loud or was I just not paying attention? This is why you can't daydream kids. "What?" I asked, trying to pacify her.

Sadly, the mad doctor's glare only seemed to intensify. "If you do have a fragment of the Vault Key in your possession, then I would like to inspect it. Now."

"Okay. Sheesh.." I said defensively. "All you had to do was ask. Brick! Go get the scary doctor what she wants."

"Okay." Brick agreed with a shrug of his shoulders. Walking out the room with a casual approach. And reappearing in the doorway a few seconds later. "What did she want? I wasn't really paying attention." Aha! It's not just me!

"The thing we took from Sledge." Brick continued to stare at me blank faced. "Uhh, the shiny thing. With the purple glow."

"Ah." Brick gained a look of understanding and smiled. "I'll be right back."

"Okay." Giving a small, excited clap, I turned my attention to the slightly mollified doctor. "So, that's space artifact numero uno down, where's the other one?"

"Two." Tannis stated factually.

"Come again?" I asked, confused. Two what? Miles, kilometers, feet? Why does everyone have to be so cryptic? Can't people just say what they mean? I dunno, maybe that's just how conversations work in this universe.

"Two." Tannis repeated unhelpfully. Thankfully, she continued, probably because she liked the sound of her own voice. Can't say I blame her, Colleen Clinkenbeard did good work. Probably channeled years of repressed insanity into that role. "There are two other fragments left for you to acquire."

Are you kidding me?!

"Wonderful." I grit out sarcastically. "Now instead of having to scour the planet for one ancient alien artifact lost to the sands of time, abominations of nature, and the scum of humanity, we get to look for two! Is it my birthday?!

Tannis shrugged unsympathetically. "I would not know, we are not particularly close." Guess she doesn't understand sarcasm. "You will need to make haste, should you wish to repair the Vault Key in time."

Okay, Jack, let's just breathe. Let's calm down. Neither panicking nor flying into a murderous rampage is going to help anybody. Just gotta keep it steady and focus on the task at hand.

We can kill someone to feel better, later. But only if they deserve it.

Not exactly a small demographic here, but you get the point. This is how I stay moral. And sane. You'd be scarily surprised by how similar this is to some of the practices that therapists recommend. Plus, it's healthier than taking antidepressants, or whatever kind of pills your doctor tries to shove down your throat.

Annnd now I'm off topic. Terrific. "Okay...So, where do we start looking?"

...​

This sucks.

In the end, it doesn't really matter how you play videogames, Borderlands especially. Xbox, PlayStation, hell even VR (even if it's an overrated mix up of Wii and Kinect), none of it can really capture the essence of real life.

Of actually holding something or catching the first light of the crack of dawn, feeling the sun on your skin. Feeling it burning your skin. Feeling your skin blend into the cracked leather seat, of something you are fairly certain is not cow skin, in an absolutely hellish climate only producible from an angry god.

Or from a planet actively trying to kill you. And one that gets closer to that goal by the day.

Ah, but these are just random thoughts drifting in and out of my heat induced, slightly crazed mind. Sometimes they're good thoughts, but mostly they're bad. They can actually be a bit mixed a couple of times.

For example, currently I'm hallucinating Claptrap in the middle of the road. Boo. But on the Brightside, we're about to run him over. Yay!

"Ahhh!" Screamed the digitalized cry of a horrifyingly realistic, hallucinogenic rendition of Claptrap. Wait. Did that bump feel normal or… was that… real? Not complaining, it is Claptrap, just curious.

"Pull over." Lilith demanded of Brick, who for some herculean logic was allowed to drive instead of me. Jerks.

"Fine." Brick reluctantly agreed, sighing petulant as we pulled off to the side of the… I'm hesitant to call it a road. It's like a less efficient dirt path. But made with sand. You know what, fuck it, it's a road.

That's what it looks like on my Echo map anyway.

I unbuckled myself (JK, this thing doesn't have seatbelts… I should probably get some the next time I see Scooter.) and got out of the death-mobile. Casually strolling around the vehicle to see what we actually hit… and its Claptrap.

Of course, it's Claptrap. Why would I allow myself to believe that it couldn't be him? Pandora, man. This was supposed to be my 'get rich and famous, quick' plan. Why is everything on this rock, suck a dream crusher?

"Mr. Jack!" Claptrap enthusiastically greeted. "Thank Robo-God! I was worried no one would ever find me out here!" Yeah, that would have been awesome. "But, you're here! You must have known I was in trouble and came to help!"

… I don't even know where to start with that. I'd almost feel guilty about thinking about how much he sucked if he wasn't such a… Claptrap. "Sure," I agreed with a sigh. "Why not?"

We literally ran into him, in the middle of the desert on a planet that should have scrapped him over a thousand times before coming across me. Let's face it, it's destiny. Besides, you know what they say. 'Keep your friends close, and the people you want to reprogram and rebuild into a better, quieter version of themselves, closer.'

Yes, I know the expression sounds odd, morbid, and extremely cryptic for what's essentially a line about keeping an eye on your opponents until you can befriend them. But that's the way it goes. It's not like I made it… okay, so I made a variation of it, but who doesn't do that?

"So, Claptrap." I spoke despondently, not that the impressionable little robot could tell the difference. "What are you doing out here?" Just so you know, I don't actually care. I'm just asking to be polite.

Step one of being a better Handsome Jack than in cannon, use manners every now and again. Step two is to only kill people in self-defense. I may have had a few hiccups with that since coming here, but I've been doing okay.

It's why Claptrap's still alive. Speaking of, or rather him speaking "... And then Scooter demanded for me to have a trial by combat, even though I was completely innocent! So, they blah, blah, blah."

Sorry, he probably didn't actually say 'blah, blah, blah', I just find it extraordinarily challenging to pay attention to Claptrap for more than thirty seconds. It's a strange kind of gift to make a story that intriguing sound so dull.

"Yeah, okay bud. Think we got it." I falsely reassured, waving a hand away dismissively. What? This is my story, not the recalled R2-D2's. "Listen, we're not heading back to New Haven any time soon. We're actually heading to the scrapyard, right now. And considering that's like a graveyard or something for you people-"

"Hey! What do you mean "you people"?" Claptrap demanded imperiously, his weird crane arms trying to cross in indignation.

Really. "Droids, Claptrap. I meant droids." And honestly, even calling them 'people' is pushing it for me. "Am I wrong?"

"Nope!" Claptrap cheerfully denied, as if I flipped a switch his personality did a complete 180. Considering he's a robot, he might actually have that kind of switch, but I promise that I only meant that metaphorically. There'll be no flip-switching here. "Just making sure you weren't a Spacist."

It is called Spacist! I knew it.

But I can pat myself on the back later. "So, anyways, as I was saying, before I was interrupted." And dammit I am sick of that happening. "We're not really heading out to any kind of settlement for a while. So, are you gonna be okay on your own, or does Pandora have, I don't know, some kind of taxi services or…?"

That feels like a fair question. I mean, I get it, it's Pandora, but even this craphole has busses. Sure, the bus drivers seem to double as arms dealers, but they're still here. Personally, I'd never take any kind of Uber they had here, but that's because I don't want to have to kill the driver every time I need a lift.

In self-defense, of course. I'm not a psychopath, just inhabiting the body of one.

"Can't I-" The decomposed droid glanced up at me with his blue optic. Whereas before it usually looked like an out of place Christmas light, now it seemed dimmed as if to show his desperation. "Can't I come with you?"

"Uhh…." No. God almighty no. Literally anything else. Please, I'll be good, just do not make me do this! "I'm not sure-"

"Please! Waaah!" Claptrap sobbed, falling face first, so to speak, onto the ground, and at my feet. Clutching the fabric of my pants, which I'll have to burn now, he glanced at me pitifully. "I - I don't have anywhere else to go!"

If this were anyone else, I would have consented about thirty seconds ago. But this is Claptrap. Even still, some small part of me felt guilty. And even I can't help the pity I feel for the truly pathetic robot. I just know I'm going to regret this, but I keep running into him anyways, and Angel will give me crap if I were to just leave him anyways. So…

With more willpower than anything I've ever done in my life, including being a single father to a Siren, trying to crack open ancient alien technology to get rich, and inventing teleportation, I sigh. A sigh, the likes of which no one had ever heard before or since. A sigh of reluctance, of remorse, and of acceptance.

By the time it was done, I needed to gulp down a shit ton of air. "Fine." Never before has it been that difficult for me to say that word.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Claptrap cried out in gratitude, in that mechanicalized voice of his. Where did he get all those recordings of sobbing? It's not like that's a standard issue. "I promise you won't regret this!"

Oh, Claptrap. I already do.

...​

"And you're sure we have to do this?" Roland emphasized into the radio- echo, that crap gets confusing.

"I believe that I've already made it quite clear that this is necessary." Tannis confirmed, in that intelligent way of saying 'don't make me repeat myself, dumbass.'

"I doubt blowing a hole in his fence is going to endear himself." Roland refuted. Which is, you know, a valid point. If someone shot at my barricades I'd- well to be honest, I'd probably shoot back. I'm not a big fan of this plan either.

"It likely wouldn't." Tannis surprisingly agreed. "However, Earl doesn't like people on principle. So as far as first impressions go, you would not meet his expectations well under any circumstance. Besides, I've done this myself on numerous occasions. If he truly did not wish for his defenses to be impaired every time he received a visitor, then he should have installed a gate."

Also, a valid point. Plus, doesn't this guy run like a scrapyard or something? How does he get it in if there's no entrance? Seems like a design flaw to me. "But he does have the Vault Key fragment, right?"

"Of course." My newest employee (paperwork impending) reassured. "I entrusted it to Earl, because his aversion to people, and their aversion to him, assured that the artifact would remain undisturbed. The security his isolation provides is second to none. That is also why I have left most of my underwear with him as well," Tannis paused for a second, and I almost wondered if she felt embarrassment. "If there is time, I would like you to retrieve those as well."

Ah, never mind. But really though, what kind of dry spell has she had for the last couple of years? I'd get her a vibrator, but given her attachment to objects, I'm worried she'd marry it. Maybe I'll buy her a stripper.

You can buy those, right? Or rent them, anyways? Whatever, not the concern of today's agenda.

"Okay." I stared at the fence, blocking our vision, protecting us from the crazy old man with a collection of woman underwear. And promptly decided it needed to be blown up. What has this world down to me? "Who wants to do the honors?"

...​

And another chapter posted!

Am I consistent, or what? Anyways, you know the drill, you want to catch up? Check me out at SB or FFN. You want to read ahead of what's on their? Check out my Patreon, link below.

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 15 Meet Crazy Earl…'s Front Door

"Oooh ooh me! I want to do it!"

"No me! Let me do it!"

"Jaack! Jack pick mee!"

I'm not going to clarify who said what, because honestly I don't know. The details were just lost in a sea of childish and irrational whining, that made me feel ashamed to be part of the human race. Seriously, Brick shoved Claptrap onto the ground in a violent display of dominance.

What if he did that to someone that mattered?!

This needs to be stopped. "Okay, guys. Guys? Guys!" I had to actually shout for them to hear me. Seriously, the next time I need a ragtag team of badasses to help me with a heist, or save a planet, or whatever, I'm using a better screening process than 'the game told me so'. "That's enough."

Of all the immature crap! It's not like it's even them blowing shit up! It's a button. I mean, sure, it's a button connected to enough demolition to blow up an entire wall, but still… well now that I've thought it over, I kind of want to blow it up myself. It does seem pretty cool.

So, I did.

KaBOOM!

Well, something like that. It's a little hard to capture what an explosion sounds like on paper. Try to imagine, the sound of debris flying throughout the air as a roar of fire rocked the world around you. I was right though, it was pretty cool.

Almost wish I could do it again…

Okay! Moving along before my inner arsonist/demolitionist/terroristic personality flaws start coming out. What did we need to do, again? Talk to an old hermit, something about him being my only hope? Wait, wasn't that Star Wars?

Nope! I remember, I need the Vault Key fragment from the creepy, deranged and probably extremely elderly man that lives alone in a junkyard. Totally original storyline. Any parallels are probably just a coinkydink.

"Mr. Jack!" Claptrap whined, rolling over so he could attempt to pout at me without any lips. Or eyes. No face, in general, not really sure what he's going for here. Droids are weird.

Hey, wait a minute, how'd he get off the ground?! Oh. My. God. He's learning. I thought this day would never come. Should I be proud? Thrilled? Terrified of the robot revolution? Pssh, nah. This… this is probably a fluke. "What?" I asked, saving that particular crisis for another day.

"I wanted to do that!" The little robot whined. Hmmm, violent, adaptable, unassuming… If Claptraps weren't so incompetent they probably would be the ultimate killers. I'm putting my paranoia on mild alert.

"Well, children." I addressed the group as a whole because I call it like I see it. "If you can't get along then I'm going to start taking away your toys and privileges." There. That feels like an appropriate dad punishment. To be honest though, I'm just guessing. I never had to punish Angel. That girl really lives up to her name. And in more than just the wings thing.

There was some muttering, and a few groans of disapproval from my employees. But I'm the guy that signs their checks, so they did accept it. By 'accept' I mean they don't shout at my face, but they're probably gonna whisper horrible things about me behind my back. Like regular employees.

"Sir." Roland directed at me. Which, why? Since when am I a sir? I'm a bro, I'm a fun guy, the cool boss that everybody wants (when they're not acting like preschoolers). That's just Roland, though. Poor, military backgrounded, probably (definitely) brainwashed Roland.

"Yeah?"

"I can see Earl's… shack. Can we proceed?" That's his way of asking 'can we go already?!' But he raises a good point. Time's a wastin, and I don't want to wait two hundred years via untested cryo-refrigeration.

"Sure, why not." Let's not keep the crazy old guy waiting. I'm not forgetting anything, am I? Oh, yeah. "Hey, nobody say anything about that wall. Might make a bad impression." Not that I really care about the opinion of a nutjob, but I still need the fragment, so I'll be playing the 'nice guy'. At least, for the time being.

It wasn't a long walk. It wasn't a walk at all for those of us that didn't have feet. But for once, we spent it in blissful silence. So of course, Brick had to pound on the old man's door after I literally just told him not to make a bad impression.

I know these guys don't have bad hearing, I've seen their medical records. Ahem. Allegedly. So maybe, it's me. Like, maybe my voice is just so charming, that they can't help but get lost in it. Nothing in life could ever prepare me for being so sexy. Truly, a blessing and a curse.

"Get back, your sons of bitches!" Crazy Earl screamed from behind the door. I couldn't tell if he was furious or terrified. "I'm warning you, I'm armed! I've got two shotguns, six grenades, and four forks all locked and loaded!"

Yup. This is the guy. "Calm down, old timer." I leaned against the shack, rolling my eyes to my companions. "We're not here to kill or rob you-"

"You gonna try to eat me?!"

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my mask's nose in frustration. "No. We're not cannibals." I paused, glancing suspiciously at Brick, who thankfully remained unaware. "Besides, we ate before we left."

He seemed to quiet down, for a second. Next, all I heard from him was the sound of a bunch of metal shifting, before a latch on the door dropped open. Allowing me to get a look at the ugliest person I have ever met. "Whatchu want?"

For you to put the latch back up. "Tannis said she left you the Vault Key fragment, long story short, we need it back."

"She also wants her panties back." Lilith chimed in. I looked back at her curiously for a second and received a shrug. "What? She wanted us to ask?"

"Never!" Crazy Earl refused… and didn't elaborate.

"Uhh, did you mean the panties or the Vault Key fragment?" I didn't care so much about the former. That would have been kind of awkward to take anyway, I really need that fragment though.

"Both!" You asshole! Okay, fine then, no more mister nice guy.

I crack my knuckles, then my neck, and unleash my greatest weapon at the old man who just wanted to be left alone. "Alrighty, then… Brick! Go punch his house!"

"What/What?!" Everyone else, including Earl asked in confusion at such a strange command.

"Okay!" Except for Brick. He just smiled and started hitting the hastily made aluminum crate shack to the point I was worried he might get bruises. Instead, he left dents. Huh. Competent and willing to obey all of my orders. Since when has mankind started beating machines in the race for labor utility?

"Hey, cut that out! You'll knock my posters down!" Earl demanded worriedly. I shudder to think of what a man like that considers worth hanging up. But at least I'm getting somewhere.

"Give me the Vault Key!" I shout back.

"And Tannis's panties!" Lilith added.

"Right but focus on the Key!" I countered. Turning back to face Lilith fully, I raised a masked eyebrow. "Seriously, what is your deal with those panties? Don't tell me you're running low."

I'm working under enough tension as it is. I don't need any more. No matter what kind of tension it is. If you catch my drift. Lilith thankfully rolled her eyes. "Honestly, it just feels creepy to let him keep them."

Fair. "Whatever." Turning back to the house, I cup my hands and shout even louder. "Hey, you creepy old jackass! I am seriously losing my patience. Either cough them up, or I'm going to bring our Technical around and blow the rest of your 'house' back to the junkyard. It's your choice, pal."

"Fine, just go already!" The door slit opened back up, and I was hit in the face with a pair of purple panties.

This was not as kinky as you might imagine.

One: because I've met the woman they've belonged to, and I've Iearned a long time ago not to stick your dick in crazy. Two: they were just flung at me by an elderly Pandoran, the unsexiest being there is. And three: I want my Vault Key. Not all that relevant, I know, but it's literally the only thing I can think of right now. Gimme!

Picking the old, used panties off of me with my two least favorite fingers, I tossed it away from me over my shoulder, and knocked back on the door. "Okay, that's one thing taken care of. Now where's the fragment?"

"I lost it."

He… what?

No. No! Do not give me that bullshit! I came all this way, killed so many people! I had to talk to a Claptrap more than once and still had to let it live! Life cannot be this unfair. I refuse to believe it. This is not happening. You hear me?! This. Is. Not. Happening!

AHHHH!

Ignoring, or unaware of my internal panic attack, Brick knocked back on the house made from a shipping container. No joke, no hyperbole. Just very lazy construction. "Where did you lose it?"

"Okay, well I didn't really lose it." Oh, thank God! I can already feel my heart rate going back down. All's right with the world... I should really take some stress management classes. I don't want to be the guy who survived bandits, mercenaries, and monsters, only to be killed by a heart attack. That's such a meh way to go, especially for a guy like me. "I just don't know where it is."

WHAT?!

What the hell do you think 'lost' means?!

"Either you know where it is, or you don't!" I yell at the shack, giving it a small kick that I almost immediately regret because it really stubbed my toe. "So, do you?!"

"Kinda."

Kinda? Kinda! What does that even mean?

"I know where it is." Thank you! "I just don't know where it is specifically." Oh, come on! Fine! Fine, I can work with this.

"Okay." I calmed down. Breathe deep through the nose… and out. "So, where do you think it is?"

"Somewhere in my junkyard." He answered casually, completely oblivious to how close I came to killing him. "Don't know where, though. I just toss all my crap back there."

Crap? This thing is literally worth a fortune. Friggin' hillbillies in space, just a bunch of backwater little- No! No, easy. I got what I want. It's time to go. Maturely. "Thanks, have a nice day."

"Get lost!" And the flap shut back down.

Everything is fine, I am calm. If I just keep repeating that to myself, I may actually start to believe it. Now, then, how the hell am I gonna find that Vault Key…

...​

Fate certainly had it out for him.

He wasn't sure what he did to offend it, but it was awful sore with him. Maybe he owed it money or cut it off in traffic once. Probably not, but those were some of the only things that made him mad. At least, mad enough to wreak an undeserved vengeance against the being who crossed him.

Whatever he did, it must have been something really bad. It's hard to put his (kind of) finger on what, he's made more than a few mistakes over the years. But he guessed it didn't really matter. Hard to focus on why he's had it rough when it's still rough.

So far, he's been shot, abandoned, and exiled. That was just this week.

Maybe it's not fate. Maybe it's God? Does God hate Claptraps? It would certainly explain a lot.

At least his luck's been turning around. Finally! He even made a few friends, and dare he say it, a best friend! That Mister Jack sure is a swell guy, a genius, philanthropist, and a personal savior to this Claptrap more times than he can count!

Seriously! Without Jack, Claptrap might've died in Fyrestone, or killed by bandits, or Skags, or worse. He'd shiver if he had a spine. Or the ability to feel any kind of physical sensation other than pain.

Come to think of it, why was that the factory default?

Seems like a design flaw if you ask him. In fact, if anyone ever does ask him, he'll definitely mention it. Probably. Unless he forgot. What was he thinking about, again? Oh, right! Yessir, the world would be a much better place if it was run by Claptraps. Like him!

Besides, what bright ideas have humans had anyways? Electricity? Teleportation? Interplanetary travel? Pssh, yeah right. Well, it's kind of cool, but how good are they at dancing or beatboxing, you know, the important things.

What are they even talking about? Not that he wasn't paying attention, but he had absolutely no clue what was going on.

"Okay, Angel…" Jack started, before at least in Claptrap's mind, his voice started to trail off. Angel? Is Jack religious? Claptrap wouldn't have pegged him for the sort. Not that he judged. Nope! Claptraps are tolerant of all beliefs, just like Robo-Jesus taught them.

Oh, crud. Mister Jack's still talking! Quickly, inbuilt devices designed to work similarly to ears! LISTEN!

"... And Tannis can confirm this, right? You guys checked in with each other?" Jack seemed to continue. Tannis? What did she have to do with this? She's only one of the greatest scientific minds living on Pandora, with a particular fascination for the Vaults, that both Dahl and Atlas seem to be after. What possible contribution could she have?

Well, it's a mystery.

"Yes, Jack." Responded a frighteningly familiar, feminine voice. "Your… assistant's findings have been most fruitful. Your echo should not be calibrated to locate any signature similar to the fragment you've delivered to me. With it, any Vault Key will stand out more than a lamppost among cactuses."

Wow, that was so… dumb. For a genius, that was a pretty stupid analogy.

Jack seemed inclined to agree, but he kept the snark out of his tone, as he diplomatically replied. "Great, sounds good. I'll let you know what I find."

"There is no need. I will simply hack into your echo device, later. When I wish to observe your progress. Or view your browsing history. Either will be sufficiently entertaining." Tannis 'assured' the hero of Claptrap.

Jack visibly grit his teeth as he made his reply. "Okay, then. We can chat more about that later. In the meantime, I'll be dumpster diving." Dumpster, what now?

"Uhh, what's this about dumpsters? Those are ah, kind of a phobia of mine, sooo…."

Jack didn't seem to hear him, as fiddled a little with his Echo. "And Angel, could you-"

"Already taken care of. Your echo should be secure." Interrupted a much prettier voice. Hubba Hubba!

"Thanks." Jack sighed in relief. "You're a lifesaver, sweetie."

"With the trouble you manage to get in, I'm surprised you don't have more on speed dial." Angel quipped. "But please, be careful. There's no telling what kind of dangers you may encounter through the scrapyard."

"Oh, what?" Jack asked sarcastically. "Think we'll find a Toyota gone haywire? Maybe a few self-aware box-televisions? Oh, I know! An army of Claptraps, waiting to assemble into one colossus, equally pointless mech… okay, that last one was pretty dumb, but you never know."

Claptrap disagreed. An army of him sounded awesome! Especially the whole mech idea. He would write it down if he… had fingers. Curse these clamp hands!

"It's Pandora." The pretty sounding lady said, as if that was the only defense needed. Which was fair because she was absolutely right.

Jack shrugged. "Good point. We'll be on guard."

"Good. Don't wait too long to contact me."

"Copy that, kiddo." Jack said his goodbyes. He wasn't that great at saying goodbye. "Okay, then. Everybody catch that?"

Claptrap felt awkward, especially because he seemed to be the only one with no idea about what was going on, but he raised his clamp hand anyway. "Uhh, I'm still not sure what's happening, so, if someone could maybe give me the cliff notes, or just let follow them around-"

"Everyone's fine. Great. Let's get moving people." Jack didn't seem to hear him. Should he shout? Claptrap does enjoy making a scene.

He was about to start when Jack pointed at him. "Claptrap, I want you to stay in the car."

Gasp! A special mission just for him?! Yes, please! "You can count on me, Mr. Jack!"

Jack seemed to struggle to find the right inspirational words to motivate them, before eventually he just nodded. "Just stay there."

"Can do!"

Jack started to turn but paused as he added one last caveat before he left. "And don't drive it."

"Aww…"

...​

I know, I just know I'm going to regret leaving him by himself.

It's not even like watching a kid! It's sort of like having to check in on the oven every couple of minutes. Because if you miss something, anything, you're definitely going to burn something. How bad that something gets is entirely dependent on how long it takes you to react.

Then again, most ovens have timers for things like that. Claptrap on the other hand, does not. Well, at least not the whole metaphorical 'countdown to destruction' kind. I mean, he probably does have a timer built into him. Wouldn't surprise me. I've seen some people use those guys as cup holders.

But I digress, I need to focus on something that actually matters… and hopefully this will all be done before my mechanical/maniacal machine can get into too much trouble.

"So, Jack." Lilith started, giving me a skeptical look. "Do you think it'll work?"

The 'it' in question, no doubt referring to the makeshift tracer that Tannis and Angel designed.

And frankly, I have no idea if it'll do anything. I'm pretty sure it will, the inventors have a bit of a knack for Vaults and crazy sci fi devices. Again though, I wouldn't really know. I'm a coder. That's where my area of expertise lies, not all this semi-star wars gunk.

Mind you, I dabbled. I did co-create teleportation.

If I'm being honest though, that was mostly Angel, with just a tad bit of refining from yours truly. She's kind of like a confident Morty with the mind of a Rick. Whereas I have the devil may care attitude, sense of style, and slightly lower intelligence of a Rick.

If you don't get that reference, shame on you. Put a book down! Go watch TV!

"Jack?" Lilith questioned after a beat.

Oh, shit. Did I zone out again? I should start seeing someone about this stuff… eventually. "Let's find out."

A couple of boring calibrations here, a few flip switches there, and voila! One short range, Vault Key seeker at the ready.

And I've already got a heading! This is great! There's only two more pieces to collect, I'm closing in on the second, and hopefully with a bit more tinkering later I can track down the third. Best of all, we still have plenty of time before the Vault's ready to open!

I hope I'm not jinxing myself here, but I've got a really good feeling about this…

I definitely just jinxed myself, didn't I?

Fuck.

...​

Fuck indeed, Jack.

Hope you all enjoyed! If you want to see what happens next, stay tuned for tomorrow's chapter! If instead you want to see it right now, check me out at SB or FFN, where you can get caught up a lot to current release, and you can even check out my Patreon, if you'd like to read five chapters past that, link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 16 Never Ending Story

I hate everything!

Just- Christ.

Why does everything have to be so freaking complicated! I can't even browse a junkyard without some friggin bandits shooting at me out of their scrappy trash homes! (Bandits have zero class.) And don't even get me started on the spider-ants.

Ugh.

I'm not an arachnophobic or anything, which in hindsight is probably the only reason I wasn't paralyzed with fear. But these things are disturbing. Is Pandora's Mother Nature like some kind of twisted nymphomaniac that just says, 'Fuck It!' to the laws of decency?

I can literally think of no other explanation as to why spiders and ants are capable of procreating with each other. And in turn creating offspring twice the size of a human child, and in some cases larger than even that. Well. besides all the boring biological/evolutionary reasons.

But I don't Jack shit about that. I'm a Tech Scientist. If you want to know about the complex anatomies and mating rituals of the local wildlife, ask Lilith, she's a biologist. Or better yet, go to a library. They're a dying business. Everyone just keeps checking Wiki.

Which I really don't recommend. Almost no one ever fact checks that stuff. Its why people think Benjamin Franklin was the first president, and George Washington led the Confederacy. It's all kinds of wrong!

But I digress. Thankfully, it's over now, and I can finally get the last piece…

What?

Don't tell me you actually want to hear the story? I promise it's not fun. For me. At all.

…

Fine. Screw it… here's how it went…

...​

I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But something was definitely wrong. Like, more than the usual kind of wrong. Extremely wrong. I'm not being paranoid. Claptrap said it himself, it's suspicious when something isn't blowing up.

Internal gasp! I left Claptrap, alone. What was I thinking?!

I could have had Mordecai watch him! Dammit! Such a wasted opportunity. Next time, Jack. Next time.

Hmmm. My bad feeling still hasn't gone away either. Is it something else?

Well, it's quiet. Eerily quiet… too qui-

"I want their meat!" A psychotic bandit was quick to announce, charging in merrily with his buzz axe in tow. Aw. I really wanted to finish that line. It's classic. Ah, well.

"Guys." This is it Jack, say something cool and inspirational. But also, something short, we're in the middle of something. "Fuck 'em up!" Okay that was good, a little crude. Maybe a little less profanity next time. What if my Daughter saw this, huh?

Great. Now I sound like my dad. Fatherhood… that particular job really changes a fellow.

I never really thought of myself as the type of guy who could be a dad, but- Shit! They're still shooting at me. "Holodoubles, go forth and lay waste!" I theatrically commanded the unself-aware holographic (but also tangible) programs of myself.

"Whatever you say boss." The first holo-me replied Jackishly, a devilish gleam and a cocky smirk projected on his projected face. The other gave a shrug like 'why not' and both began storming away at my multiple enemies.

You know, at some point, I should really get those guys 'colored' in. They'd be a lot more distracting if they looked completely like me, and not some blue, ghostly, see through me. You know? Does that make sense?

Sorry, I'm not thinking straight. I am thinking about this mid-battle.

Speaking of segues…

Bang! I really missed this!

A couple of shots from my Hyperion issued (brand loyalty ftw) gun took down two bandits and brought another to his knees. I was at five guys, but at least I can shoot right half the time. I should set up a shooting range in my office. I could even use a Claptrap target board.

They actually do make those. Although, most people tend to use actual Claptraps.

I envy people who don't have kids with soft hearts, and annoying attachments. Sigh. It's okay, Angel's still young, she'll grow out of it. Someday.

These bandits aren't really putting up much of a fight. Not sure if it's because they're crazy, or if it's because they just don't want to live anymore, but they are dropping like flies. You're not exactly in a great place in life if you're living in a junkyard.

Maybe I could set up homeless shelters when I run this place one day?

I'd have to manage it properly, but that could really help with controlling the population. And possibly limiting the fanatical army of the once and (hopefully not) future 'God Queen' Tyreen. Oh, and also Troy. He's… there. I guess.

What was his Siren power again? Mooching off of other Sirens? Yeah, I'll be sure to keep him riiight at the top of my threat list.

And maybe keep Angel a couple of solar systems away from him. Just to be safe.

How does every thought process I have circle back to my kid? Being a dad is hard. Especially when your little girl is a cyberpunk-witch with a heart of gold, and little IRL experience. Like real estate, advanced education, employment, combat training… Man, I have my work cut out for me.

Meh. Maybe I'll just hire a couple of people for that.

Wait, is that a good idea? I still gotta keep her powers hidden, on top of all that other stuff. Actually, that kind of trumps the rest of it, sooo… What should I do?

If only there were like leaflets, or parental help books. Well, other than the ones you have to buy. Because, sureee, I bet paying only $25 dollars for a thirty page essay about nothing, that I'm more or less going to skim, is gonna be a big help.

Nah, I'm better off going the same way I've been doing things. I'll just have to let Angel ride my coattails to the grave. Like most millennial kids. It ain't perfect, but what's the alternative? Read a book?

Who even reads anymore?

...

Don't answer that.

Also, don't distract me. Bang! Bang! I'm on a roll! Eessh, and so are their heads. Ease up with the brutality there Brick. Ugh. Thank God I'm Jack, otherwise I'd probably be sick.

There's no worse smell than corpses in a junkyard. Except- ah forget it. I was gonna do a yo momma joke, but even she doesn't smell this bad. Even if she can't walk down the street, without the homeless offering her soap.

Aha! Psyched you out. You didn't think it was gonna happen, but then it did. Okay, I'll stop now.

...​

"Hellooo?" Lilith asked out casually. "Any bad people still alive?" It never hurts to check. But it would probably hurt to be shot in the back. Better safe than sorry.

"No." One helpful bandit politely answered, before she shot him. What? He was a liar. Totally justifiable.

"Huh." Jack stumped out. "You'd figure no one would have been dumb enough to answer that." Ah, poor, sweet naive Jack. There's always someone dumb enough to get themself killed. Thankfully, that someone wasn't her.

Lilith smirked. "It's Pandora."

Eventually, there would come a day when that answer would not be a one size fits all solution. Today was not that day.

Jack shrugged. "Fair." He pulled out his echo device, along with some other sciency do-hickey.

Honestly, she had no clue. She's a Biologist, not a tech-scientist. "So, where to?"

"Give me a sec, here." Jack twisted some knobs and pushed some buttons. That sounded obscenely simplified, but she was pretty lost. Lilith felt like a preschooler watching the big kids do advanced calculus.

She really cherished the days when she used to be the King of the Nerds. Queen of the Nerds. Except that title definitely goes back to Jack now, so yeah, King of the Nerds. Maybe she should look into some gender neutral titles.

Like, uh, chief or general. Something cool.

Lilith mentioned she was a scientist, not an artist, right?

"Okay!" Jack exclaimed triumphantly. "I got a beat on it. We're going in this direction." Jack pointed without looking up and started marching forward… into Brick's chest. "Hgh."

"Ah, sorry boss." Brick apologized, even though his only crime was happening to stand in the direction Jack was walking directionless in. He's a nice guy like that. Not the smartest guy, but still pretty cool.

"It's fine." Jack said doggedly. Lilith was willing to bet her tattoos that Jack was blushing underneath that mask. He lifted himself up, patted the dust off his jacket, and fixed his hair before speaking. "Ahem. Would someone else like to lead? Anyone?"

Roland deeply sighed through his nose. It was one of the most meaningful expressions Lilith has ever seen him make, and probably the closest he ever got to rolling his eyes. Without a word, the former soldier snatches the device out of Jack's hand and looks at it for approximately three seconds.

"It's currently South West of our position. Follow me, and please look forward." How Roland managed to say that with a straight face was beyond her. But at the moment, Lilith was really glad she didn't try to get herself a GI bill before getting her Doctorates.

There may have been some doubt when she was a bit younger, but she can safely say that the military life just isn't for her. Besides, Vault Hunting pays pretty well, apparently. Actually, how is Jack affording this? Didn't he say this wasn't Hyperion sanctioned?

"Well, no. It's not." Jack answered awkwardly. Did she ask that out loud? "Uh, yeah. You did. So, uh, could you maybe not do that? This planet has got me real paranoid about people going off the deep end." Sorry.

… Oh, that one wasn't out loud. "Sorry." Lilith apologized, equally embarrassed.

"It's cool." Jack waves off, relaxing slightly. "Anyways, you were wondering about the whole funding thing?"

"Yeah, not to be rude or anything but how exactly are you going to pay us…?" Lilith trailed off with her question, looking skeptically. It's also worth noting that the others were suddenly a lot more interested in their conversation.

"Good point, Lil. Jack, care to answer her?" Mordecai turned his attention to their masked employer, who rolled his eyes at the unspoken threat.

"I've got some money saved up, I made a couple inventions over the years, and it paid pretty damn well." Jack bragged, puffing his chest proudly. Men.

Okay, to be fair, it did look adorable. He's like a little kid trying to show his mom what he drew.

"Inventions?" Lilith tried to sound interested, like every mother did about their kid's 'projects'. "That's cool. Anything I've ever heard of?"

Jack smirked. "Depends, have you ever heard of Fast Travel?"

Lilith's jaw dropped. Then promptly closed. She did not want to catch a Pandoran fly in her mouth. That's how the Zika virus spreads, then next thing you know, the galaxy's under quarantine. "Bullshit."

The rest quickly voice their disbelief, and sooner than later, Jack has to shout to get their attention. "I have the patent! This stuff is documented! I'll show you later, after we're done here. Speaking of which, Roland?"

"It's close." Roland affirms. "It should be less than a few feet away based on the signature. What details can you give us? What will it look like?"

"A lot like the last one." Jack states the obvious, with an 'are you kidding me?' look. "It's a stone fragment, with a purple glow. Trust me, it'll be hard to miss."

"To be fair, amigo, there's still a lot of crap to sift through." Mordecai points out, Bloodwing cawing in agreement. "It could take us a while to-"

"Found it." Brick literally points out. His sausage like index fingers, pointed directly at the Key Fragment in question, the second they turned by the nearest scrap pile. It wasn't precisely hidden, per say, more like it was just randomly tossed into the trash.

That method would probably work for hiding anything else, but Jack had a pretty good point: It's hard to miss. Particularly, when it's glowing purple, illuminating the entire pile, at nearly the end of the day.

Frankly, she's surprised the day's lasted as long as it has. She read (skimmed) through the dossier on the planet, but Lilith didn't really think 40 hour days were possible, let alone survival. It's one the closest feelings she's ever had to homesick.

"Okay, seriously?" Mordecai pouted grumpily. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we didn't have to spend the next five or so hours looking, that would've sucked. But seriously. It shouldn't have been that easy."

Then, the scrap piles started to rumble. It shifted, it moved, and the sheer size of it startled her. (That's what she said.) And out of the rubbish, emerged the scariest, Alien rip off, that she had ever seen. In real life.

"Mordecai." Lilith sighed, exasperated. "I hate you."

...​

"Strongly seconded." I added my input through gritted teeth. Trying very hard, to balance my fear, frustration, and my stunning good looks, all at the same time. I managed the first two with some effort, but the third came naturally.

Wink.

Time to get real though. One of my greatest fears has just gotten between me and an integral part of my money making scheme. The thought alone helped me get a good grip on my self-control. My greed outweighed my terror, like always.

Good. So, not that I'm not shocked, what do I do? The answer: shoot.

"Open fire!" I shout out (not frantically, I am in complete control.), and everyone listened. A certain alien from another franchise once said, 'Why shoot something once, if you can shoot it 46 more times?'

And as the creature that the original artist definitely drew after being inspired by Alien, slowly backed away under the sheer turret of fire power. I thought that Wrex made a very good point. Until I realized that it still wasn't dying.

Great. That's fair. I mean sure, it's only immune to bullets, lasers, and the supernatural/scientific space powers of a Siren. Totally legit. Super fair fight. But just to be safe, let's get creative.

"Hey, Angel?" I asked, keeping my tone completely calm, so my little girl doesn't catch how utterly panicked I feel.

"Yes, sir?" She answers instantly. Huh, guess she gave up on trying to call me 'Jack'.

"What are the odds you could get me an orbital strike?" I ask for the hell of it. There's bound to be guns on that satellite we're using, right?

"Highly unlikely." Angel deadpans. Dang. That was a good idea too.

"Uh huh." I muttered dejectedly.

All I can really do is fire a couple of rounds at the abomination of nature. At this rate, it's only a matter of time before we run out of ammo. Then we'll probably die, and the only survivor of our ragtag team of tomb raiders will be Claptrap, because he's still in the… car.

The car!

"Okay, Plan B, Angel can you access the car's remote control features?" Thank you Arkham Knight for the idea, and thank you Scooter for finding a way to implement it. You know, after this is all over, I should probably hire him too. The man's a savant.

"Yes." She paused. "Why?"

...​

Claptrap was clearly, without a doubt, the greatest, most impressive, and handsome soldier there ever was. At least, in his humble opinion. And soon to be Jacks. Eeeeh! Oh, he's so excited!

Just wait till Jack hears about how good he is at staying in the car. Then he'll be rolling in praise. Ha! Get it? Rolling! You see, that works on two levels, because his foot's a wheel, and he's in a car! Claptrap always knew his self-designated joke protocols would pay off some day.

Modulated sniff

He's living the dream. Claptrap might even cry if he had tear ducts. But, you know, in a manly way. He is a man, right? Well, a robot-man. As opposed, of course to a robot-woman. To be honest, he's not sure.

Look, Claptrap's attracted to girls, so he had to be a man. Or a lesbian. So, that settles it. He's either a robot-man, or a lesbian. There's no middle-ground... But how can he be sure which he really is?.

Okay, so obviously, a test is in order.

If he's a machine, he should be able to calculate Pi to it's one hundredth digit. Pfft, child's play. It's 3.17, wait that didn't sound right. 3.1514 no, that's not it either. Did it even start with a three? Maybe it started with a two?

Let's table that test for now.

But if Claptrap's a lesbian, than he should be able to make any kind of wood carving andbe extremely popular online. But not on cable. Then again, he doesn't have fingers, sooo carving's out. Also, how does the Echo work? Claptrap's always assumed that it was invisible magic, and that he wasn't a very good sorcerer.

Life's full of tough- Oh the car's moving! Wait, that's not good, that's bad! That's the opposite of what Jack wanted! Oh boy, Claptrap's in trouble now.

...​

I sighed in pure relief when I saw my fully operational (secretly) mini tank roll in. The plates flipped over, and more and more guns came out of the woodwork. My favorite of which being, a particular cannon I had Scooter install, inspired by a certain battle station the size of a small moon…

"Angel." I paused for dramatic effect. Smiling softly as I prepared to say one of the most iconic lines in history "The car's here. Begin preparations, you may fire when ready."

Angel groaned into her comm, immediately recognizing the Star Wars reference for what it was. "I just hope those movies haven't given you any other ideas. Now please, stand back."

That was good advice, better advice might have been to have us shield our eyes. Because it turns out looking at lasers conjoining together to make a super laser, really hurts to look at. It's like staring into the Sun, but way worse because it's so much closer.

The Spider-Ant queen fell without so much as a screech. Based on the blacked char of what used to be her chest, I'd guess her silence is due to no longer having any lungs. Finally.

The rest of her brood was exterminated by us while we were waiting for the Tank to come through, but now that it's here, I think we're about ready to go. Just… one more thing.

Striding slowly, I pluck the second Vault Key fragment out of the dirt, and smirk. Two down, one to go. I'm almost there.

...​

Well, to those of you who wanted to hear the story, there. I hope you're happy. The only part I liked about any of that experience was the ending.

Whatever, Jack out.

This concludes the sixteenth echo log of the current CEO of the Hyperion Corporation. Please join us next time, as we relive Handsome Jack's daring adventures for The Vault of The Destroyer!

...​

Thank you all for joining me in, my quest to make Claptrap completely unlikable!

Stay tuned in for tomorrow's chapter! Or check me out on SB and FFN, where we're all caught up to public release. And if that's not enough, you can check out my Patreon, where we go even farther than that! See the link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 18 So Far Away

"You'll be fine." I didn't growl. That would be unseemly. My voice just took a deeper, more threatening tone, to convey my annoyance. That's it.

"Please, Mr. Jack!" Claptrap whined, clenching my leg in a way that almost made me reminisce about Angel when she was a kid. Except this was less sweet, and more gross. "Don't leave me alone! Take me with yoouuu!:

Everyone else, barring Tannis, actually took my decision pretty well.

Roland was apathetic, Lilith was understanding, Mordecai was unsurprised (dick), Brick was a little sad, but he's a big boy. He got over it. Especially since I'm letting him keep the Technical. For now.

I'm not just gonna abandon them. But, Angel's right, I need to get my priorities in check. Besides, I'll just make them a bigger target, and that's definitely not going to do them any favors. I'll just work Mission Control for a bit, just until the heat dials down.

Might need to talk things over with the boys at Hyperion too.

Corporates are not going to be happy with me. I've got a pretty recognizable 'face' and now the Crimson Lance has seen it all around Pandora. The bosses are going to grill me about this. Tassiter might even try to use this to get me fired.

Originally, back when I had this plan, I wasn't too worried about it. I figured they'd be so excited to get their hands on an Eridium rich planet, that they'd give me a pass for going around management.

But since now I'm going to be leaving before the Vault's even been peeked into, I gotta convince them that it's worth our time. Which it is. So at least I won't have to lie. Much.

I'll probably need to embellish a few details here (my employee competence) and leave a few details out (my Siren daughter), but that should be fine. Chances are, they'll give me the benefit of the doubt before they try to kill me.

I am their favorite worker.

The only thing I really need to worry about is Assiter- Sorry, Tassiter. But what else is new, right?

Ah! Frickin- Who made these clamps so tight?! "I said, you'll be fine." I repeated angrily, kicking me leg in a futile effort to remove the annoying robot. "Get off!"

Lilith sighed, and glowed. Next thing I see is a bright flash, followed by a sudden clang.

"Oww." Claptrap whimpered about five feet away from, on top of an old recycling bin. Huh.

Well Lilith, points for power, but I'll have to deduct your aim. Claptraps aren't recyclables. They're trash. "Thanks."

Lilith in response gave a two fingered salute. "Don't mention it." She hesitated for a moment, before asking. "Are you sure you can't stay?"

I sighed quietly. "Yeah. You saw the message, the second they get a beat on me, it's game over. I can handle a few squads, maybe. But I'm not going to try my luck with an army."

Lilith deflated, but nodded. Then, shocking me again, she gave me a hug. "Don't be a stranger."

I cautiously returned it with a brief pat and gave a small smile. "Hey, don't worry. I'll group back up with you guys at the end. I have to take credit somehow, right?"

Lilith rolled her eyes, and playfully punched my arm. "Right. Well, when you're big and famous, just remember the little guys who helped you out, ok?"

"And their paychecks." Mordecai helpfully reminded, while giving away that he was totally eavesdropping.

"Of course. How else could I ever repay the valuable help that Bloodwing's given me?" I taunted.

Bloodwing herself preened at the praise, while Mordecai grumbled something quietly in a language I didn't speak. Safe to say it probably wasn't very nice.

"Please, sir! Can't I come with you?" Claptrap begged, again.

"No." I immediately denied. "It's uh, I'm going to my bosses back at Hyperion. They have a no Claptrap allowed policy back at the station. Sorry."

"Actually, you could-" I quickly cut Angel's feed out, and grinned sheepishly at everyone, besides Claptrap, who for the life of him couldn't take a hint. That reminds me, I need to update his context clues software.

"Would you all excuse me for a quick second? Thanks." I didn't actually wait for approval, I just left. You can do that sort of thing when you're the boss. "Angel, sweetie, can you please give me a break?"

"Did you just hang up on me?!" Guess not.

"Okay, look, let's not get off topic here." Do not let her deflect, Jack. She learned it from watching you, and if you let her win, you'll never win. "Why are you trying to latch a Claptrap onto me? You know I hate them. You don't see me trying to set you up with a clown!"

Not after that one birthday… ughh.

"I was just going to say you could bring him!" Angel defended herself. "And you could. What's so wrong with that?"

"Angel," I sighed exasperated. "You're my daughter, and I love you unconditionally. But if you keep pulling this crap, I'm going to start making conditions."

It's an empty threat, and we both know it. But I think it got my point across.

Doesn't stop Angel from giving an almost rebellious snort. "Whatever you say, dad." She paused, and the silence stretched long enough to the point where I almost hung up again. "And dad?"

"Yeah, Angel?"

"Thank you." She said gratefully. Two words, and she already made me feel a lot better about leaving. "I know you wanted to stay…"

She trailed off, and I took that as my cue. "Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta take care of your priorities first. You're my little girl. The Vault can wait."

I could practically hear her blush. "I'll see you soon, then?"

"You will." I promised.

"Okay." Angel sighed in relief. "I love you, dad."

"I love you too, kiddo." Uh oh. Tannis is in bound. "I gotta go, we can talk later." I heard a quick goodbye before I cut the comms, but that was enough. "Doc." I greeted her carefully.

"Jack." She returned coldly.

"Listen, Tannis, I-" I stumbled through an apology. Something she obviously didn't appreciate.

"Spare me." Tannis rolled her eyes. She made a big effort into doing that, her head's going along with the motion. "If I desired to listen to an insincere and incomplete apology, I would have taken Echo Recorder back."

Okay, not sure what the polite response to that is. Just gonna pretend I didn't hear it.

"You'll be fine." I reassure her instead. She snorted in disbelief, so I kept going. "I'm serious! I know they don't look like it, but these guys are professional. The Vault couldn't be in better hands."

Bang!

"Sorry!"

"Claptrap, I told you to stay out of the driver's seat!" Great supervision, Mordecai.

"But this isn't the driver's seat. It's the turret." Claptrap argued, unhelpfully.

"Yeah, well… shut up!" Mordecai refuted, unhelpfully. I'm starting to suspect a pattern here.

Tannis didn't raise an eyebrow at me. She probably didn't have enough information on social cues to be aware that it's how you express doubt, or incredibility. So instead, she stared at me. Without blinking. For almost an entire minute.

It was actually starting to make me uncomfortable.

"Okay, in my defense." I stressed, holding up my hands in peace. "In my defense, I did not hire Claptrap. He just sorta tagged along." Please stop staring at me.

She didn't. "You can't leave."

"I have to." I repeated. "Look, it's not that bad, I can still provide a bit of orbital support and oversight. It'll be like I never left… even though there's going to be lightyears of distance between us. But, but I can still come back with a flash thanks to Fast Travel."

Tannis's intense stare, lessened ever so slightly, her deranged and angry gleam, replaced by a deranged and curious gleam. "Fast Travel? I have not heard of this Phenomenon. Describe it to me, immediately."

"You don't know-?" Ah! Angry glare's back, skip the small talk! Skip the small talk! "It's a form of teleportation I invented to get from point A to B near instantaneously."

"Spare no detail." Tannis spoke much more rationally. She's still completely crazy, but it's the manageable kind, now. "I want to know the process more thoroughly then my own body, which consists of two concealable moles, twenty six freckles, and as of last Friday-"

"So, let me tell you about Fast Travel!" I interrupt with false cheer. Too much information, Doc.

I then proceeded to give a long winded lecture on the semantics, functions, and planning behind the Fast Travel, of which I'm only about forty percent knowledgeable of. I'd say Angel did about thirty percent of the other work, and the Sireny powers helped fill in the blanks for the last thirty.

Again though, I am really glad I have Jack's intelligence, because otherwise, I'd be completely clueless.

Tannis had no such problem, occasionally chiming in with her own certifiable insights. Otherwise, she just nodded along thoughtfully. Or as close as she could manage, like I said, she doesn't really get social cues.

"I see." She hummed a tune off key, thoughtfully. "I believe I can perceive your plan accurately, if you shall indulge me?"

Huh? Oh, that was a question. "Uh, sure."

"Marvelous." Tannis breathed in, and at the moment I knew I fucked up. "You have, in your possession, a device that will allow you to travel to and from any two places in the known universe. Even if those two places are worlds away."

"Yes."

"Your intention is to use this device to escape Pandora as quickly as possible, and only return when the need is most dire. However, this position still allows you to provide mobile support, or at the very least, monitor the Vault Hunters activities." She continued.

"Yes."

"You are taking me with you." Tannis concluded.

"Ye- No. Sorry, reflex. But anyways, no, you're not coming." I denied the simple, and surprisingly sane request. "You're needed here. You know, for the Vault? Is this ringing any bells here?"

"Don't be silly, Jack." She waved off. "My lunch bells activate on an automatic timer, does this look like noon to you? Oh, and yes, I am most certainly coming. There is no reason my part cannot be completed at Hyperion. Indeed, a more refurbished lab would be most useful."

"Okay, good point." But you're crazy and I don't want to be that close to you. "But don't you need some of your supplies, or equipment here? I mean, you've probably customized this stuff up to your standards, right?"

"Perhaps." Tannis seemed to hesitate, before her lips twitched in rendition of a smile. "You still have the rather large fellow under your employ, yes? We can make use of his services and have him carry items I do not wish to.

"Are you sure?" I'm running out of polite excuses, make this good! "What if you forget something? Can we really afford to come back?"

Tannis stated at me again, and I had no idea what that meant. "If perchance I were to forget something of vital importance, as unlikely as that may be. It has recently come to my attention that I can simply teleport back."

Yup. I definitely fucked up.

"I- but! Aghh, fine." I reluctantly, and slightly bitterly allow it. All aboard the crazy train. Choo-choo-! Wait not all! "Claptrap stays here though."

"Agreed." Tannis thankfully did not argue with me on this. First real accord we've ever had.

"Okay they, you ready to-"

"I'll fetch my things, immediately." No sprinting involved, but she did exit with a remarkable pace.

So, that was a thing.

...​

Brick wasn't quite sure what to think.

Granted, that's not much different than usual. But something about today's events left a different kind of feeling. Less confused, and more conflicted? He didn't know. Or at least, he didn't really know how to describe it.

Brick wasn't a therapist, is that the right word?

Brick wasn't a touchy-feely, smarty-pants guy. And certainly, no one has ever accused him of being emotionally mature. Or intelligently mature. People did call him overly mature, physically speaking.

But emotionally, yeah, not so much. It's kind of a work in progress. Check back on that later.

He definitely wasn't happy that Jack was gone. Brick liked Jack. Jack was a nice guy, he made lots of jokes, he paid pretty well, he explained things to Brick when he was confused. Nobody was ever that patient with him!

Brick's still not sure why Jack had to leave. Mind you, the man did explain it, but it still didn't make a whole lot of sense. The boss gets a wanted poster, with a pretty big number on it granted, and leaves to protect them?

Now Brick's been prone to confusion, certainly. But this feels like a special kind of mind bender.

So, he's just going to stop trying to wrap his head around it. "What's the plan, boss?"

It took a second for Lilith to realize he was talking to her. And people thought he was slow. "Me?"

"Yeah, you. Didn't Jack leave you in charge?"

"No." Lilith snorted, before she paused. "Did he?"

"That's what it sounded like to me." Mordecai said casually, and Bloodwing cawed in agreement. At least Brick thinks that's an agreement. Couldn't be sure, though. He doesn't speak bird.

"What about Roland?" Lilith tried to weasel out, good point though. "Where is he anyway?"

"Refueling." The man in question answered, passing by them with a full container of gas. "It's going to be a long trip."

"Wait! Can't you- and he's gone." Lilith sighed. That's why no Roland.

"What's the problem, girl?" Brick asked sincerely. "You're smart, you know what you're doing."

"I don't even know where we're going!" She complained.

"I do." Roland passed by again, this time with an empty container, dang he's fast. "Tannis gave me the coordinates. I'm driving." His voice left no room for argument, and even if it did, he left almost immediately after finishing that sentence anyway.

"If Tannis gave you the coordinates, doesn't that mean you're in- and he's not listening. Again." Lilith groaned into her hands. "I haven't even been in charge for an hour, and already my people don't listen to me."

"We're listening to you." Brick argued emphatically. "Right, guys?"

Roland briefly nodded, already heading straight for the Technical. Bloodwing sang in approval and flew over to Lilith in support. Which actually caused Mordecai to stumble because apparently he hadn't been paying attention.

"Crap." Mordecai struggled to quickly regain his balance, looking at Bloodwing in slight betrayal, before sheepishly smiling at the rest of the group. "Uh, sorry. What's going on? I wasn't listening."

Lilith impossibly groaned even louder. Prompting Roland to honk the horn prematurely. She straightened up, and looked around in defeat, her shoulders slightly sagging in despair. "Fine. Let's go."

The next thing she mumbled was obviously just a part of Brick's wild imagination. Psshh. 'This is going to be a disaster.' Yeah, right. This is going to be great!

Also, where's Claptrap?

...​

"It was to my understanding we would not be bringing it." Tannis loudly whispered to me, completely ruining the point of whispering. She was arguably less happy about him than I was.

But that's because I knew something she didn't.

"We're not." I assure her firmly.

"Then why is it following us?" Tannis continued her interrogation in her 'quite' voice.

There was a small scraping sound, followed by a digitalized "Pshew. Close one." Claptrap's were definitely not designed for stealth. Nah. They were designed for… what again? It was opening doors, right? Seriously, how stupid are people that they need a robot in order to open a door.

"Because he's an idiot?" I offer suggestively.

"True." Tannis allows. "But imbecilic or not, I find it difficult to believe even a Claptrap incapable of utilizing your 'Fast Travel'."

Fair. Given all the surprisingly stupid people in the galaxy, I made the system as user friendly as possible. Figures that'd come back to bite me. Or it would if I hadn't made precautions for exactly these kinds of scenarios.

"He's not registered in the Network." I explained. "I only let people who pay for this stuff use them. Technically we're going to have to register you too at some point, you're just kind of riding my coattails today."

Well, sorta. That's what all 'plus ones' do in my opinion.

"Hmmph!" She harrumphed, tilting her nose up superiorly. Tannis is going to fit in great at Hyperion. "Shall we then?"

"Let's go."

The process gets a little easier every time, but so far it hasn't killed the allure. There's a certain kind of fascination with all the pretty colors, the sounds, that feeling in your bones, as your body is whisked away into a vortex. Instantaneously, with no trigger warning in sight.

One moment, you're just chilling, standing in place, the next you're just a beam of light. Pointed in a direction, and launched headfirst, feetfirst, you don't even know!

Thankfully, the journey ends almost as quickly as it begins, so you don't overthink any of the big existential questions. A, uh, a couple of test dummies had that problem. But the kinks are all sorted out now, so it's fine. Probably.

Tannis though… she vomited. Just, wretched over and hurled her guts out.

I'm gonna take a few (many) steps back. I like these shoes, and I don't want to burn them. "Yeah, the first time can be a little disorienting."

Tannis holds a finger in the air, don't worry it's not the middle one. She's just telling me to give her a moment. Which, yeah, that makes sense, she can't exactly talk right now. In fact, I think I'm just gonna stop talking too.

She catches her breath, spitting out the last bits of vomit in her mouth, and faces me. Vomit still on her face. Gross. "Well, then, now that we have arrived, what-"

"Waah!" What the- Claptrap?!

He came out of the portal crawling, first person I've ever seen do that. It was actually a little weird to see, with the whole wheel instead of legs thing. "That was crazy! I just saw all of reality pass by, what does it all mean?! Does any of it matter? Do I matter!?"

Huh. Guess I'm gonna have to go over the designs again. I do not want to be responsible for robotic sentience. Wait a minute, how'd he even get here?! No Claptrap has ever been allowed in the-

Angel.

You are so grounded.

...​

Hey, if he has to be a good dad, he at least gets to have fun with it.

So, there you have it folks, another day, another chapter. As always, check me out at FFN, if you want to catch up to the latest public release, or see me on Patreon, if you'd like to read up to five chapters ahead of that. Link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 19 Back In Red

I look around at the Hyperion trade center, the rising star of Corporate history. I see it all. The people, the pizzazz, the proprietary! And all I can think to myself is Damn! What an eyesore…

Red is just not our color.

It's a petty, and fairly random thought, but in my head, I have this shining vision of Hyperion. Gold statues, yellow defenders, an office chair so bright that it's practically a throne. Then I blink, and all I can see is a bland, brick colored red.

Not even brick! It's more like maroon. Maroon! Are we trying to bore our customers?!

When I'm in charge, and I will be in charge (it's pretty much my destiny), I'm redecorating everything. With actual decorators, mind you. Sure, Claptraps might be cheaper, but they're about as artistically talented as a kindergartener on acid.

This may seem like a random, and some may even say deliberately distracting. Which it is.

You see, when I come to a problem that I find I have zero preparation for, I deflect. I distract, I evade, and I procrastinate. It's how I dealt with a lot of my parental responsibilities. Well, the unimportant ones anyway, like 'Is Santa real?' or 'What is sex?'.

Is it the most mature response? Absolutely not. But it does allow me to get away with not confronting my problems and leave them for other people to solve. Which is a big old check in the plus column.

Sadly, as much as I enjoy running away from reality, that doesn't always make my problems go away. Especially when there's nowhere to run, and even if they were, those problems would just chase me, like the annoying little parasites they are.

I am, of course, referring to Claptraps.

Oh, and also Dr. Tannis, Tassiter, and the whole heap of no-no's about the Vault. But in my defense, those problems aren't nearly as annoying.

"Wow! Look at everything! It's all so red!"

Fuck it! I think it's time for a timeout. "Claptrap! Initiate Morpheus Protocol. Begin sleep mode."

"Okay!" Claptrap cheerfully agreed… before simultaneously collapsing. And actually muttering "Zzz."

I'm tempted to scream at him that making that sound while occasionally releasing an audible snore, does not count as sleeping. But I stop myself because I'm paradoxically worried that it'd wake him up. Confusing, isn't it?

"John." Tassiter snarked. Yes, snarked. The man's so unbelievably snippy, that he turned the word snark into a verb. What (and I realize the irony of this) a jackass. "I see you've brought back a friend."

And rather than nod to the semi-respectable, if very intelligent Vault Expert/Doctor/Excavator, he unceremoniously, and literally kicked Claptrap in indication. Honestly, that just pisses me off more. For my sake. I would never befriend a Claptrap.

Must NOT kill him, until I run the company. Must not KILL HIM, until I run the company.

Slightly managing to dial in my murder vibes, I smirk back an empty smile. "Cute, Tassy. How long you been working on that one? Oh! Have you been practicing your banter skills again? They're getting better! But they're still lacking that one thing, what was it again?"

I mockingly stroke my metal chin in thought, undoubtedly pulling off a perfect villain pose.

"Hmm. Volume? No, I heard it. Wit? Eh, it was okay. Would have been better if you came up with it on the spot. Ah!" I snapped my fingers, smiling at my 'epiphany'. "Charm! You, my unlucky frenemy, are completely charmless."

"Am I, John?" Tassiter sneers back. To this day, he still rather persistently calls me by my birth name. Considering that Jack isn't even the name I'm most used to, this does very little to bother me. But it's adorable that he tries so hard.

"Pardon the interruption," Tannis interrupts, unapologetically. "But I believe that Jack and myself still need to review the contract of my employment."

"Oh?" Tassiter turns an uninterested eye on my most recent lackey- worker. "Pray tell, what precisely has John offered you? Seeing as he does not have nearly the authorization required to begin granting Hyperion jobs. Especially to Dahl trash-"

"Oh, on the contrary, boss." I refute, ending on a sarcastic note. "I've been permitted to hire as many long term 'independent contractors' as I want, for about oh two, maybe three years ago. You remember, right? It was around the time I made the Fast Travel, and you did… I'm sorry, I'm gonna need you to refresh my memory. What was the big important thing you did on your own?"

Tassiter actually turned a little red. Yikes, make that very red. Someone's trying to match corporate color. "Of note? I was busy running more than half the day by day functions, managing every single system that makes Hyperion great. While you played inventor."

"Right, right, right." I rapidly imagined it all coming back to me. "Sales were at an all-time low, under your oversight, I mashed up a few tools, and then bam! Highest gross profit we've made in years."

"You-" And he's sputtering again. How eloquent, classy, and most of all charming. Or you know, the exact opposite. "How dare you-!"

"Uh huh, sounds great Tassy." I tune him out, like a parent tuning out their kid's speech about who their favorite action figure is. "Hey, here's a thought, why don't you leave my screening process to me. Kay? I think I've got it handled better than you do."

"Indeed." Tannis cut in, seemingly unimpressed by our pissing match. "Then shall we continue, Jack? I grow weary of the numerous social stimuli plaguing this station."

That's Tannis speech for: I'm getting socially awkward, can we please go?

I'm going to allow it because I don't really want to be here anymore either. "Sure, hun."

We made it a few more steps before Tassiter called out. "And the Claptrap?" Huh? Oh, right.

"Blake!" I called into my echo device, scrolling to the contact I knew by heart.

"Yes, sir?" He responded dignified, within a moment's notice.

"There's a Claptrap back by the East Fast Travel. Bring him to my Office, I wanna do some… experimenting." Ah, God damnit, did that come off as sexual. "Make some improvements."

"Of course, sir." Blake obeys without question. That's a good stooge.

You know what they say, behind every great man, is a faithful servant, ready and willing to do his master's bidding. Palpatine had Vader, Lex Luthor had Mercy Graves, and Batman had Alfred. See! Heroes do it too.

"John!" Tassiter screeches, outraged and scandalized. What a prude. "You know damn well that the modification of any and all Hyperion equipment is forbidden, and punishable by-"

"Blow it out your ass, Tass." I dismiss with a roll of my eyes. "He was technically Dahl's when I found him. Besides, I'll get the whole thing cleared up with De Quidt, obviously." Well, I will now.

"You think you can simply excuse yourself from our regulations on a board member's approval." Tassiter seethed angrily. "That is not how this works, John. We have rules. Principals! If we allowed our employees to simply act however they wanted, we'd be even more incompetent than Tediore."

"Cool story, bro." In my old life, that phrase sadly went out of style, which really sucks because it completely captures what I wanted to say to boring people who wouldn't shut up. But here it's all hot and fresh, so I get to say it as much as I want!

Sometimes, I have to say it more than I want.

I mean really, how hard is it to get that I'm not interested in your dull, going nowhere story! Take me to where the action is! Not these empty paragraphs about nothing that serve mostly as filler. Am I right?

Shut up, I know I am.

...​

Mordecai wasn't a hard man to get along with.

He wasn't demanding, he wasn't bossy, and he wasn't bitchy. He went with the flow, most of the time. You don't make it this far in life, without accepting that some things are just out of your control.

But for some reason, he never thought he'd have to worry about 'lack of control' from a car.

"What the hell is going on up there?!" Mordecai shouted over the roar of screeching tires, and the far more literal roar of the two ton, King Kong sized rhino. As far as monster movies go, he'd give it a B-

But given that he's now living it (and who knew that those massive feet with their massive stomps could cause miniature ground quakes) he'd rate it an A+, easy. Because this is literally the most terrifying thing he's ever done.

And he once jumped off a cliff to impale a different, slightly smaller, way more ferocious animal.

Which also happened under the command of the red headed Siren, that Jack yet again left in charge. Mordecai might be crazy, a common symptom from prolonged exposure to Pandora, but if he had to guess, there might be a pattern there.

He points that out to Lilith, who was less than pleased with the criticism. "Shoot first, bitch later, Mordecai!"

He is not bitchy, he thought he made that very clear. Just deeply, truly concerned. And terrified. Mostly terrified. "I can multitask!" Mordecai decides to argue back, childishly.

In truth, it's probably not Lilith's fault that they're fighting the love child of Satan and Pandora, but she's the boss now. And by now, it's practically instinctual for him to challenge authority. To her credit, she does make a pretty good point about the timing.

So, he decides to shoot a few rounds with his Sniper.

It wasn't super effective. Or a little effective. In fact, it did nothing. Except waste ammunition. Oops.

"Shoot at its eyes!" Roland commanded, manning a second turret (when did Jack get that installed?) and firing at its feet. "They're an Achilles heel!"

"Pretty sure heels are below the legs, Roland!" They can't see it under his goggles, but his eyes were rolling. Idiots. "In case you haven't noticed, it's eyes are on its face."

Lilith groaned loudly, and it took him a second to realize she wasn't doing it out of pain. "It means weak spot, dumbass!"

Oh. Right, he totally knew that.

Except for the part where its eyes are supposed to be the weak link because that's bullshit. "It has four eyes made of pearls. How is that supposed to be a weak point?!"

"Do you have any better ideas?!" Lilith screamed back, steering them around in circles frantically. And he thought Jack was a bad driver.

"OOH! I got an idea! I got one!" Brick cheered, still happily firing into the sides of the behemoth. "We can hit it until it dies-"

"No!"

The resounding disapproval brought a small pout to his face. "Jeez. I was just trying to help."

Great. Now Mordecai feels a little bad.

Maybe he just needs to try a little positive reinforcement. "It wasn't a bad idea, amigo. But that thing is a bit too big for the tried and true approach. We're gonna need something more concrete, okay?"

Brick frowned. "Okay. But where are we going to find concrete out here?"

Fuck it, he tried.

"Just." Mordecai sighed dismayed. "Just keep shooting it."

"Okay!"

Guess he should do the same. Aiming at an eye, which even despite the size, it's still extremely far away, and factoring for every bump, turn, and screech of the Technical doesn't make it an easy shot.

But he shoots it anyway. Because Mordecai is a certified badass. You can check, it's on his license.

It doesn't fall, the Rakk Hive doesn't even look affected, unless you count aggravated or annoyed as 'affected'. So, he shoots it again. And again. This time, cracks start to appear, and it's noticeably much more pissed off.

The next shot shatters it's pearl eye.

It releases an inhuman (obviously) cry, that straightens the hairs on Mordecai's back. Well, one eye down. Three more to go.

So, repeating the age old process of hit and run (mostly the run part) he takes out another eye, and now it's down to two. Just like the rest of the mammals. Personally, given how well he's done with just two eyes, he still doesn't like those odds.

Mordecai was unfortunately proven right, when it was still very capable of both seeing them and charging them. It was at that moment when the found out the Technical was not built for speed. "Lil', go faster!"

"I'm going as fast as I can! You shoot faster!" Lilith may have put on an annoyed front, but the panic in her voice betrayed that she was just as alarmed as he was. Which did not improve his confidence.

He shot faster. Most of the rounds actually missed, but he did manage to take out the last eye on the left. The one on the right still remained, and it zeroed it's glare on Mordecai specifically.

You remember how before, he said that fighting this thing was the most terrifying thing he's ever done? He's gonna have to take that back. Being on top of a Rakk Hive's shit list is way scarier.

The Rakk Hive also wisened up to the fact that they small ape-like creatures were trying to blind it. It took losing seventy-five percent of its eyes to catch on to that, but hey, better late than never. Especially when it learned to move its last remaining eye away from that direction.

This caused an unintended side effect, of literally charging in blind.

Like, it went the wrong way. Mordecai was honestly a little dumbfounded. "Uh, Lil', it's just kinda leaving. Can we go?"

"No." Lilith answered, just as shocked, but way more pessimistic. "It still has the Vault Key fragment. It's the whole reason we came here."

"Right, right." Mordecai mumbled, still looking at the direction the Rakk Hive went after, dust blazing behind it. "So, what do we…?"

"We're going after it." Lilith said resolutely. "Roland, Brick, see if you can find a bigger gun on this thing. It's not going down without a fight."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Okay, boss!"

Mordecai wasn't sure how, but he was pretty sure that this was all Jack's fault.

...​

Tassiter hated John.

Well, no actually, hate isn't the right word. As a child, he learnt that hate was a very strong word. It was a word he shouldn't use to describe anything let alone people, because that could greatly hurt someone's feelings.

Then that child grew up into a very bitter man, and that man learned that he hated everything. What was once a dislike, or an ill preference, became something he despised, something he could not stand the sight of. So naturally, hate became a very common word in his repertoire.

Tassiter hated people pleasers, he hated employees with sob stories, he hated his job (despite how well it pays), he hated puppies, and kittens, and rainbows. He also hated politics, but in his defense, who doesn't?

So, no. Hate isn't nearly strong enough to describe his view of John.

Tassiter loathed John.

He abhorred the man, he despised him with his every ounce of being. And Tassiter was certain the feeling was mutual. Why else would John try so desperately to make his life unbearable. Working with former Dahl employees and products to fight Atlas in a bid for a planet that Tassiter wouldn't send his worst enemy to?

Well… no he wouldn't. After all, John wanted to go to Pandora.

"Pandora is a goldmine." John insisted to the board, who were actually listening to his preposterous dribble. "Hell, it's better than a goldmine! Once we crack that Vault open-"

"If you can." Tassiter interrupted the fool's pitiful defense. "You have one team, with less numbers than I can count on my hand. Atlas has sent an army. Dahl has sent a legion. Both have failed to tame the world. What makes you think you can do what they couldn't?"

"Atas opened one Vault, once." John glared at him. "It made them rich beyond their wildest imagination, and they were only able to do it with the help of some Pandoran nobody-native. I have four Vault Hunters, a scientific expert whose studied the Vault and the Eridians intensively. I can do this."

"Agreed." Maxim fucking Turner, allows with his chilling Cheshire grin. "Jack has time and again proven himself quite capable. From what he's told us, he's almost completely rebuilt the Vault Key already. Soon, our company will soar to heights not seen since the rise of Atlas."

Alma Harren nodded along, and inside Tassiter's rage kept growing. "Will you need additional forces? Atlas already has a foothold, it may be prudent of us to strike before they can regroup and deploy re-enforcements."

"Appreciated, but I got it handled." John waves away the generous offer, as if he were simply offered a lozenge. "The Vault Hunters I hired are exceptionally good at killing bad guys."

"Funding?" De Quidt briefly inquires, his eyes and true focus, still on his Echo. Whether the man was playing some asinine mobile game or providing an actually useful service to the company was a mystery all on its own.

"Nope." Informal, disrespectful John assures. "I'll be paying for this all out of pocket."

"Well then, Jack, I believe I speak for all of us when I say we salute you." Turner did not speak for all of them. Didn't stop the bastard from shaking John's hand like a president would for a public hero. "Take Pandora, Jack. Make us proud!"

"You got it, boss." John smirked, he smirked at him.

All this aggression is going to be hell on his blood pressure.

Tassiter didn't remember leaving the room. In fact, all he could recall was that his blood was running hot, his vision was coming up red, and when he came out of it, he was surrounded by three dead Claptraps.

Not surprising. He was never particularly fond of the things, and in his current mood, well.

Tassiter's a little surprised he didn't kill more.

Not that it would have truly mattered if he did. Claptrap lives were as meaningless as they were useless. For the life of him, he couldn't begin to understand why John brought one with him.

Wait. John did bring one back, didn't he? How curious.

Perhaps it was time for Harold Tassiter to do a little experimenting of his own.

...​

And CUT!

I just realized how well that goes with my last line about 'experimenting', don't you love it when moments like these just happen? It feels like the stars align to bring you to this moment.

Or, you know, it could be the semi outline a poor inexperienced Author is forming.

My moneys on the first one, though.

Once again, be sure to check me out on FFN and SB, or Patreon, if you want to read ahead, link below!

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 17 So Close, Yet...

Corporal Reiss was having a great day.

It's probably against like a thousand mental health protocols to actively enjoy culling a global population, but even still he can't find it himself to be guilty. This was just too much fun! Oh, and moral. These bandit guys? Evil. Pure evil, and he's not using hyperbole.

The things he saw… well, you really don't want to know.

And that's beside the point. Because for the first time, in God knows how long, Atlas is the good guy again. They're finally back to their roots and doing what actually matters. Not just what's profitable, but what's helpful.

It's why he enlisted. Helping people, killing bad guys, it's his dream job.

There were more than a few times when he doubted he was on the right side of things. But stuff like this, it helped. It reminded him that even though he occasionally had to follow orders that have taken him into the darker shades of gray, it all came from a place of necessity. The whole, 'greater good' spiel.

Sometimes, it's easy to forget that there is a greater good.

But days like these, orders like this, they put his mind at ease. So naturally, the universe does its damn best to twist him around.

"Corporal Reiss." He heard the sneer of a Russian accented woman through his echo. His boss, Commandant Steele. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Preventing bandit reinforcements from retaking the Headstone Mine, Ma'am." Reiss sweated under her helmet. What did he do wrong? This is what she asked for, isn't it?

"I see." And didn't care, at least as far as her tone implied. "You foresaw a rising bandit incursion, and saw fit to leave your post, with the men under your command in tow. Is that it? Do you believe yourself superior to the minds of Atlas?"

"I- No!" Reiss sputtered, confused, and concerned beyond belief. "I was just, I was acting under your orders, Ma'am."

"My orders were for you and your squadron to maintain a military occupation in the settlement known as New Haven." Commandant Steele reminded him, a dangerous undertone in her voice. "You were to monitor them, evaluate their resources, as well as ensure no Vault Hunters interfere with our work. Your recent actions, Corporal, have compromised our operation."

"Originally, yes, those were your instructions. And we did do what you told us to do." Reiss stressed on that not insignificant detail. "But the new orders you relayed to us, clearly detailed that we-"

"New orders?" Steele scoffed. "I had not issued any further orders once your outpost was established. If you believe that lying to a superior officer, about her own command, will grant you any clemency, than you are more desperate-"

"We have evidence." Reiss practically shouted (without raising his voice, he's not suicidal). "We have your voice recorded with your orders, I swear it. I was the one who answered the message in the first place."

There was a long pause before any sound came through the echo. But when the icy chills of Commandant Steele's 'I'm going to murder someone' voice came through, Reiss wished the silence lasted longer. "Show me."

...​

Why am I always so negative? This has been a great day! I mean, sure, I had to put up with old hillbilly perverts, scrap-trash bandits, and Mother Nature's little accidents, but that was then. This is now! Now, I finally, finally have two of the Vault Key fragments.

With only one more to go, and about a week and a half still in advance, I'm golden!

Okay, a little premature for celebrations I know, but this is the home stretch. After all I've gone through, can't I just spend a moment to revel in my victory? It's a better alternative than wallowing in crushing despair, as the stress of my situation sinks in

… and the moment has passed. Great. Crushing despair, and mountains of stress, here I come.

"Okay, guys. Pack it up, let's get moving!" I called out to the Vault Hunters sprawled on the ground, exhausted. Their grins of relief and disbelief started to fade into groans of annoyance. "Oh, don't be a bunch of babies. You're fine, now come one! Daylight's burning."

"The daylight's gone, Jack." Lilith reminded, making more effort to argue than to move. "Can we please just sleep for a while? We've been at this for over thirty hours now."

I don't know what she's talking about, I feel- yawn. Oh. Never mind I've got it too. Or it could just be that passive thing where if you see someone else yawn, you do it too. Either way, looking at my poor, tired employees, I could tell they weren't going to much help right now.

"Fine." I sighed. "Not here though. Everyone into the car, you can sleep there on the drive to Tannis's place. Maybe a little longer if I'm feeling generous." Or if it's too much trouble to get them to wake up.

They still mumbled unhappily, but at least they were moving.

"Mr. Jack! Sir, I am so sorry. I swear I wasn't driving the car, it just moved all on its own." Claptrap actually looked worried, glancing back and forth between me and the care fearfully. "I think it's possessed."

I sighed into my hand, and immediately tried to stop it from turning into a yawn. "It's fine, Claptrap. That was me, I had it controlled remotely." Well, I had Angel control it at any rate. But the less people know about her, the better.

"Oh, that is such a relief." Claptrap practically sagged, which was an odd sight, considering he had muscles to tense in the first place. "I had no idea what to do. It's not like I can just exorcise a car. Who would I even call?! A priest from the Church of Robotics? They shut that place down years ago!"

Did he blow out a belt or something? Crossed wires or- I don't know. I barely understand people half the time, how am I supposed to get what's wrong with a semi-sentient R2-D2 reject. Maybe I should brush up on my mechanical engineering later.

I really want this kind of crap fixed before I rebuild him later.

Allegedly.

I am definitely not implicating that I am in any way interested in deconstructing, then reconstructing a Claptrap for my own nefarious purposes. Because that would be wrong.

But cars on the other hand… "Optimus Prime Directive:" Yeah, I'm not very creative. "Transform into Sleep Mode."

The seats came apart, the plates shifted again, five cots opened up out of the cushions, and the divider between the bed of the truck slowly rearranged itself into the sides to allow more room. That's right. I plan for every contingency.

If the others were just a little less tired, they might have stopped to ponder how one mega car could have so many functions. But as it was, they barely made it to the beds before collapsing. Brick, the poor guy, had more than half his body hanging over the edge. It's a miracle he hasn't fa-

Ah. Never mind. He fell.

It didn't seem to bother him too much. He still managed to grab a pillow and a blanket. So, I probably won't have to worry about him freezing to death or getting a head injury. I call that a win.

Annnd, with everyone else asleep, guess who gets to drive!

Sitting behind the wheel, I rev the engines (love that noise), take us out of park, and bring us along the dirt road. No one's gonna get any rest if I take the terrain route. Plus, if I wake anyone up before we get back to Tannis, Brick isn't going to be the only one on the floor.

"Mr. Jack, this is great." Claptrap cheerfully whispered, or he just, lowered the volume on how much he usually speaks. He is a robot. "Now it's just us guys awake. We can play all those neat road trip games, like 'I Spy', or 'Punch Buggy' ooh or-"

"Hey, Claptrap, maybe you should power down for a bit." Keep the annoyance out of your tone, Jack. Must. Stay. Civil. "You know, recharge the old battery on the ride over."

"Oh." Claptrap quiets down for a moment, and I was starting to think I may have said the wrong thing (or the right thing), but then he speaks up, joy renewed. "Good idea! I have been using up a lot of power in the last few days. Who knew bejeweled took up so much energy?"

"Well," I started, unsure of how to respond without striking up a conversation I didn't want. "Them's the breaks. There's a uh, an outlet just back to the left, should be behind Mordecai's bunk."

"Okay." Claptrap rolls away, and I sigh in relief. Until I hear the sound of something breaking followed by a quick "Sorry." Then I gave an irritated huff.

Alone at last.

"Dad?" Spoke too soon. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, what's up sweetie?" I asked back, immediately followed by a yawn.

"It's- Are you alright?" Angel started, only to abruptly change the conversation.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Maybe a little tired. Anyways, what did you want to talk about?" I change the conversation right back. Fighting back a yawn, that ultimately slips out.

"It can wait. You should rest." Angel replied determinedly. "I'll speak to you about it in the morning."

"I need to be up anyway." I argue. "Someone has to drive. Whoah-!" And suddenly the wheel was out of my control.

"Autopilot has been engaged." Angel said triumphantly. "Now please, rest. You'll want to be at your best tomorrow."

"Fine. Wait, what's going on tomorrow?"

...​

"-ack. Wake up. Jack!" Huh? What's going on? "Jack, we're here. Get up already."

We're where? "Wher?" I unintelligently reply, steadily shaking myself out of sleep. My eyes are a little heavy though. Maybe if I just close them for a quick second…

"Jack, stop sleeping!" Lilith shaked me, which in my half-conscious state was mildly terrifying. "We're at Tannis's. Now come on! We need to drop off the Vault Key fragment."

"Okay." I meant to say that reassuringly, but I think it came off as a whine. "I'm up, just give me a second, I'll be right out."

She glared warningly. "Do not go back to sleep."

"I won't!" Okay, that definitely sounded like I was whining.

Lilith brought two fingers up to her eyes and pointed them at me in a 'I've got my eyes on you' gesture. She also made sure to give me one last look, before she slammed the driver's door closed on her way out.

Well, if there was doubt before, I'm absolutely certain I'm not going to get any sleep now. Thanks for that Lil, I can always count on my team of hired mercenaries to provide their support. Both on and off the battlefield, apparently.

Rubbing my tired eyes one last time, I shifted my way out of my seat, and out of the Technical, and almost fell flat on my face. Thankfully, I managed to get my hands to plant on the ground first. So now instead of having a sand covered and bruised mask, I have sand covered, and slightly sore hands.

Awesome.

I brushed it off my jeans, and semi-steadily began walking back into Tannis's lab dig site. The others were already waiting up by the door. How long was I out? "When did you guys get up?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago." Mordecai said nonchalantly. "Lilith was up about half an hour ago, saw that we got here, then promptly kicked all of us out of bed. Except Brick." He gestured to our helmetless goliath. "For some reason, he was on the floor."

"It happens." Brick shrugged. That shrug made a lot of cringe-worthy cracking sounds. I would not want to be his chiropractor. "I've had worse naps."

I do not doubt it.

"Coolsies." I said blankly. "Well, we're here. Can we go in now?"

Roland offered a curious look, or at least as curious as his unyielding facial muscles allowed. "We were waiting on you to ask."

Of course they were. God forbid anyone but me ever takes initiative. I rolled my eyes and pounded on the door. Mostly to vent, Tannis is pretty paranoid, she has cameras everywhere, not a chance she doesn't already know we're here.

If it were anyone else, I'd be a little worried. Possibly because it could be a double cross, or maybe about their health, based on how well I know them. But the woman in question is a highly intelligent, mostly immoral, antisocial sociopath.

Her reasons for doing anything are far beyond my range of understanding.

"Tannis! Lemme in!" I yelled impatiently at the door. I'm not crazy, I know she can hear me. I have the right to yell at people who annoy me. It's constitutional.

"Is it truly necessary for you to shout like an underfed and overlooked chimpanzee?" Tannis sardonically replies. Well, at least I know she's not dead. Hooray.

"That was an oddly specific example." I can't see her eyes, but I'm assuming they're rolling. "Look, we got the second Fragment, now can we come in, or do I have to keep talking to a door?" Honestly, the door's a better conversationalist.

"I don't see why not, I talk to furniture frequently. They're always so comforting." Comforting? I guess, sure, it's furniture. It's supposed to be comfortable. I'm pretty sure that's not how she meant though. "Now, in regard to your query, you may come in. If you have the Fragment. Otherwise, we shall continue to converse like this, as I do not wish to risk catching a disease from your unsanitary bodies."

I'd be offended, but… I know the people I travel with. That's fair.

"Umm, duh. I just said we have it, keep up Doc." I eloquently answer.

"I do not see it. Is it hiding behind the enormous man with the short attention span?" I looked over at Brick, who was currently playing thumb war with himself. And losing.

"Brick!"

"Dang it. I mean, yes boss?" Brick glanced down at me innocently. Nice try, big guy.

"Show Tannis the fragment, sometime today, please." Brick nodded, then went back to his civil thumb war. "I meant now, Brick."

"Oh. Got you, boss." Brick cheerfully agreed, grinning brightly at me… and still did nothing. "Where is it?"

"You didn't get it out of the Technical?" I honestly shouldn't sound as surprised as I was. Zero initiative here. "Could you- Please, go get it? It should be in the passenger seat."

"Be right back." He took maybe a grand total of twenty steps to get to the car and back. Perks of being outrageously tall, I guess. "Here you go." He haphazardly tossed the fragment to me like a used baseball, and I almost had to flip to catch it.

"Easy." I stressed, looking over the entire thing for any marks or scratches, well any new ones. "We still need this."

"Sorry." No, he wasn't. I swear, that man is such a child.

I rolled my eyes and held up the Fragment like in the Lion King. "Okay, to reiterate, we have it. Now can we please-"

Tannis didn't even give me time to finish my sentence. The Vault like door opened with a wssh! Then Tannis practically jumped me and snatched the Fragment out of my hands. She caressed it like a baby and sniffed it like a weirdo. "Ah, yes. Just as I recall. Oh, and do I detect an aroma of arachnophobic silk?"

"What?" Mordecai asked in confusion.

Tannis seemed to bemoan his lack of intelligence, and I just waved the question away. "It's the fancy pants way of saying 'spider web'. And may I say, it's weird that you know what that smells like."

Tannis sniffed imperiously. "If it pleases your over inflated ego, you may."

"It's weird that you know what that smells like." It really, really is. Who sniffs spider webs?

"I shall acknowledge that with as little dignity as your narrow minded viewpoint shall allow." See that, that's just another fancy pants way of saying 'duly noted'. Why can't they ever use the shorthand way of talking?

And Tannis is going back inside the base, of course. Won't even let me rebuttal.

"Hey!" I yelped, jogging a little to catch up to her. She has a surprisingly fast stride for a girl wearing slippers while carrying something with the same weight of a bowling ball. "Wait up."

"Sigh." She actually said sigh, who taught this woman how to socialize? "Do you require something else? Perhaps a lozenge, or a toaster oven?"

Is she being sarcastic or literal? I can never tell with these crazy types. "How about the location of the third Fragment. I'm working really hard on a collection of mine, but it's just not right until I complete the set."

"Oh." Tannis blinked. "Yes, my apologies. My mind was elsewhere." It probably still is. "You are correct, of course. The acquisition of the next fragment is of vital importance. Allow me to-"

"D- Jack, we really need to talk." Angel cut in out of nowhere.

"Uh, kiddo. Now's not really a great time, I'm kind of in the middle of something important." I quietly remind my slightly irritational daughter.

"Not as important as this." Angel argued fervently. "Steele knows what you're up to. We're running out of time."

My blood chilled, but I quickly got it under control. "Are you sure? Even if she's found out that we hacked her communications, there's no way she could-"

"Just listen." Angel said sharply.

"Attention Atlas enforcements. This is Commandant Steele. Our comms have been breached by an unknown entity, that we believe to be working with Hyperion. Further investigation shows that a Hyperion employee, known as Handsome Jack, has been seen traveling with four Vault Hunters. We cannot allow them to interfere in our goals. Increase patrols, I want them found and interrogated."

I breathed in nervously. "Okay, so we're pretty sure she's onto us."

"It continues to call for your capture, and later your execution." Angel warns dangerously. "This mission is over, it's time for you to leave."

"Honey, I know how it sounds. But-"

"But nothing!" Angel doesn't allow any argument. "You've been compromised, and you still haven't found all the pieces of the Vault Key. If you stay, if you keep searching, the odds of you dying increase astronomically. I'm putting my foot down, it's time for you to come home."

Tannis grabbed my arm in a rare moment of sanity. "Jack you can't leave. Not yet. We're so close. The Vault is almost within our grasp. This chance will not come again for another two hundred years."

"His life is more important than some, some folktale myth." Angel snapped.

"It is not a myth." Tannis shook her head, frustratedly. "I've spent years studying this phenomenon. It is very real. And very illusive. But if we can't complete the key, now. Then all of our work will have been for naught."

I hesitate, this is a lot harder to deal with than the game led me to believe.

Something Tannis picked up on. "Jack, I know where the last fragment is. Our victory is almost assured."

"'Almost' isn't good enough." Angel denied. "Not for these stakes. Da- Jack. I'll help you either way. You know I will. But I'm asking you, please. Just come home."

I sighed. She really is going to hate me for this… And to be honest, I probably deserve it.

...​

(A/N)

Admittedly, the end of this chapter had a lot more feels than I had intended. But part of writing, is knowing your characters, and how they'd react to a situation. Sometimes, you find that your story is driven more by what they would say, rather than what you planned to say.

Is that enough wisdom from yours truly?

Yes?

Cool. Stay tuned tomorrow for another update, or check me out FFN or Patreon to read ahead, link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 20 It's All Coming Together

Roland was a soldier, at least where it counted.

Sure, it may not be a part of the Crimson Lance anymore, in fact, Atlas might even charge him with desertion. Maybe even treason if they ever found out that he killed his last CO. Although, in his defense, the man deserved it.

Even still, he could never leave the military lifestyle he'd grown to accept, behind him. You can take the man out of the fight, but you can't take the fight out of the man. Or the rigorous training, psychological conditioning, and overall respect for those in a position of authority.

"Don't we have any bigger guns?!" His latest 'boss', however, was changing his perspective on the chain of command. Roland would almost be impressed, if he wasn't completely certain, that Lilith was doing it entirely by accident.

"If we had one, we would be using it." Roland answered dryly.

"Come on, man! Didn't Jack have something cool installed? You're out gunner! You should know this stuff!" Mordecai unhelpfully argued.

Roland rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should call him and ask."

"Okay!" Brick happily agreed, pausing from the firefight (why?!) to actually contact Jack via echo. "Hello? Boss, you there?"

"Uh, Jack's a little busy at the moment." The 'assistant' from before, Angel if he remembers correctly, informed them. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Lilith yanked the echo out of Brick's hands, much to the big man's complaints, nearly swerving the Technical dangerously onto its side. "Nope! Everything's fine! We've got it completely under control!"

What?

"Are you sure?" Even Angel was skeptical, rightfully so. "It's no trouble, really. Honestly, I'd be happy to assist."

"Yup!" Lilith steered away again, almost throwing Roland off of his turret. "Thanks, but we're good. Right guys?"

"Are you out of your mind, Lil?!" Mordecai voiced what they were all thinking. Well, close to it anyways. Personally, Roland was thinking the situation's gone FUBAR. And Brick was probably thinking…

Well, who knows? Probably something about guns or explosions. He's simple like that.

"I said we're totally fine, aren't we guys?"

"No! Haven't you been listening?! We need- mpph!" A purple glow briefly flashed, and suddenly Mordecai had a sock in his mouth. That is… very unhygienic.

"Situation…" Roland sighed. "Normal. Lilith is correct, everything is under control."

"I don't know." Brick shrugged. "I still think we could use a hand-" Well, if Lilith's using her own socks, then this might be okay for Roland. He sincerely doubted she brought any more than two.

"I see." Angel hesitated. "Then I suppose I shall leave you to it. Good luck, Vault Hunters."

The echo disconnected about the same time Mordecai got the sock out of his mouth. "Lil, what the hell are you doing?! We need Jack's help!"

"No, we don't!" Lilith shot back, annoyed. "We don't need him for everything, okay? We can do this on our own."

Brick already threw the sock that was in his mouth out of the Technical, to Lilith's dismay. Serves her right for using her only pair. "Come on, girl. What's this really about?"

Lilith continued to sputter out denials, while Roland subtly called Angel on his own device. This is the closest he's ever come to insubordination. Recently, anyway. "Angel." He spoke in a lone tone that was definitely lost to the others over the sound of gunfire and their own arguments.

And the Rakk Hive's stampede. That probably covered it up the most.

"Yes, Roland? Is something wrong?" Perceptive. Well, perhaps that's a generous term in this case. A blind man could see that something was clearly wrong here.

"Current artillery is insufficient in overpowering the target." He relayed quietly, his eyes glancing back and forth from his team and the Rakk Hive. "We're going to need something with more efficient firepower. What else has Jack installed into the Technical?"

"Hold on." Is she… is she putting him on hold? "Okay, the forms are coming up… now. I can see he had something registered with Scooter for the car, if details an ample amount of force, though I can't quite see the name. It's listed as a BFG? Does that help?"

"It might. Do you know how to deploy it?"

"Yes, repeat after me. Ahem, Optimus Prime Directive: Activate Weapons Protocol 3.0."

So, Roland did. Then his turret shifted back inside the Technical, folding under the plates of the car, and nearly throwing him out of the vehicle. Again. Jack should have seriously prioritized this thing's safety features.

"Woah!" Lilith was much more vocal at the sudden loss of their main weapons. "Where are the guns? What did you guys just do?!"

"I didn't do anything." Mordecai defended himself, Bloodwing cawing in indignation. "Not like that, Blood. I meant that all I was doing was trying to kill the big ugly monster chasing us!"

"I was also shooting at it." Brick solemnly agreed, turning back to the group wistfully.

"Oh, cool. So, it's nobody's fault. Awesome, glad we got that cleared up. Except, you know, our guns are gone! How the hell are we supposed to kill it?!" Lilith did make a fair point, Roland was wondering about that himself.

"Angel…" If the first worried tone he ever used gave away the enormous amount of stress he was feeling at the moment, no one said a word. "Where's the BFG?"

Also, what exactly is a BFG. Roland's pretty sure he's never heard of that abbreviation before.

"It should be-" Angel is cut off, by an almost orbital sized cannon, forming itself out of the plates of the car, and pieces of their engine (how does this even make sense?!). And asserting itself in the bed of the truck. Forcing poor Mordecai to scramble into the backseat, while Bloodwing flies off to Lilith's shoulder. "There." She finished, almost smugly.

Roland nodded, while the others were still staring in shock, and muttering in awe. "That'll do."

...​

"Alright, just stay still." Stupid Claptraps and their stupid processors, and these stupid fricking tools. How am I supposed to do anything under these conditions?! No. No, Jack. Calm down and breathe. Nice slow, calming breaths. Sigh.

I didn't mean that. I love my tools, and I should have never called them stupid.

They're cheap, they're useful, they do what I tell them, without complaint, and they always get the job done. They are by far the best friends a good craftsman can have. They're just… working under frustrating conditions. I'm working under frustrating conditions.

Believe me, I would love to just unload all this tinkering onto one of my poor, unfortunate interns. Thing is, there's no one here I can trust to do it, or at least to do it right. People aren't as easy to use as tools.

So, I'm left with doing the job myself. Not that Claptrap's making it easy on me.

I think he's doing the robot equivalent of sleep-walking, or sleep-rolling, I guess. I strapped him down, but he is surprisingly maneuverable. Frickin clanker. Actually, I'm not really sure that derogatory works here.

In the Clone Wars, that's what they called droids, because they're metal feet were loud, and kind of clanked on their own ships. But Claptrap doesn't have feet. I'd make a joke about him being a 'roller' or whatever, but honestly, I'm a little sick of the gag.

We get it, he has a wheel instead of legs.

I'm tempted to just give him legs out of spite. But, I'll settle for giving him a working stair-capable wheel upgrade. Because the second we get to a slightly more elevated platform that doesn't have a ramp, he loses any and all usefulness.

I am gonna try to keep that door opening protocol working.

It came in pretty handy a few times over the games. Mostly for breaking into Hyperion doors, but still. Besides, you never know when you might need to stage a Corporate takeover. Or a literal takeover, considering how willing Tasiter is to bow out when I start to run this joint.

It never hurts to have backup plans.

"Aghh! Stay away you skags!" Great, Claptrap's having night terrors again. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I mean, I get that for some reason he has a subconscious, but how in the hell does he have dreams? Isn't that a human phenomenon?

Or just, sentient animal life in general? I don't get Artificial lifeforms.

In fact, most of the time I find their personalities are annoying, and their existential questions are majorly unsettling. Why can't I make someone cool like Cortana? Or GLaDOS?

Ooh! I'm gonna save that idea for later.

Wonder if I should give her access to deadly neurotoxin?... No! That's a bad Jack thought! I can't let her kill people just because it might be funny. Unless it's really funny, and they really deserve it- aggh!

At some point, I should really go through some therapy to cope with all of the old Jack's homicidal impulses. Like, it's on my agenda. I'm just trying to hold it off for a bit, maybe wait for their service fees to plummet.

It might be a while, because I'm definitely going to have hire scores of them to even try making Pandora a more civilized, or at least, less trigger happy planet.

"Okay, at least we got the wheel upgrade installed." I muttered to myself happily, my hands practically blurring from the bot to the workbench, as I corrected the many, many flaws in Claptrap's design.

The Vault Hunter Exe. Package is still gonna be a while off. I got the original squad's skills and talents at the ready, but I want to get the other, future Vault Hunters abilities in the set, before I upload anything.

And I really don't want to miss fucking up the long term memory storage, in case I ever need him to go R2D2, and send out a 'you're my only hope' message. Like I said, it never hurts to have backup plans.

I noticed some malfunction with the short term memory storage, actually, when I was digging around in there. Which… explains a lot.

Huh.

Maybe I should go easier on the guy?

Nah.

"Dad." Turning around, I smiled widely and pulled my little girl into a hug that she half-heartedly protested. "Stop!"

"Nope." I squeezed her extra hard, before eventually releasing her, her face flushed red in embarrassment. "So, kiddo. Want to tell me why that's here." I emphasize, with an angrily pointed finger at the bound and unconscious Claptrap.

That'd be really weird if he wasn't a robot.

"You shouldn't point at people." Angel responded with crossed arms. "It's not polite."

"First of all, Claptrap aren't people, they're mistakes." I counted on the first finger, before moving to the second and third. "Secondly, I'm the parent here, and I say pointing fingers is okay! As long as I'm the one doing it. And thirdly, don't deflect. Seriously, Angel, why, just why?"

My daughter raised an eyebrow, unsympathetically, while continuing to stare me down. I'm so proud. "Would you rather we left him on Pandora? Would you rather let Atlas have full access to his memory hardwire, so they know exactly what we've done, and what we're still planning to do, added to the fact that now you're not technically there to do it?"

I was completely speechless. Save for three words. "But… it's Claptrap."

I didn't say they were clever words.

Angel rolled her eyes. Now who's impolite? "I'm aware."

"Couldn't you have, I don't know, send him somewhere else? Somewhere far, and distant, where he can't bother anyone. Like space! That way no one could hear him." I felt that was a very fair, and just argument, but Angel looked at me disapprovingly.

"Dad…"

"I mean, I guess we still could chuck him out an airlock."

"Dad."

"No, you're right, I've already invested this much time into reprograming him, and kinking out some of the design flaws. It'd be a waste to throw him away now. Let me just finish some of the new features, like the stealth/invisibility protocols, and this mute button idea I thought of."

"Dad!"

"What? I was just kidding." No, I wasn't. Sigh. And it was such a good idea too. "So, progress report, and no, I don't mean your grades, relax. What's up with the Vault Hunters? Did they get the last fragment yet?"

Angel gave me a frown at the mention of her grades, which for the record are way better than what I had in High School, and I was a straight A student. "Not yet, but the Rakk Hive is on its last legs. I expect they'll be done soon."

"That's what I like to hear!" I cheered with a celebratory fist pump, for special occasions only. "Come on, let's get the Fast Travel ready to beam them up."

"Alright." We walked side by side, father and daughter, the whole dynamic duo shtick. A bit overdone, but when in doubt go with the classics. "Dad, why were you experimenting on Claptrap?"

Oh boy.

"For science…?"

"Dad!"

"You never let me have any fun." I pouted, bumping her shoulder childishly, which she happily returned.

...​

Lilith was panting hard, could you blame her?

She was stuck in a car, driving at literal breakneck speeds, with three very clearly unbathed men, in the burning hot sun, in the desert. All while trying to stay ahead of a monster, that might've been the inspiration for the 'Goliath' of the Bible. If it didn't happen to be native to a planet, known for trying to kill its inhabitants.

So yeah, she was breathing a lot, and pretty heavily at that. Sue her, if you got such a problem with it. Preferably, after they kill the Rakk Hive.

"Roland!" Lilith snapped, frustration finally beating exhaustion, in the fight for her breath. "Will you just shoot it already!"

"It's still charging." And damn him for saying that so coolly, as if he wasn't bothered by the heat at all. If there was one thing, (there's more than one) that Lilith missed about Jack, it's that he never hid how he was really feeling.

"I don't care!" Lilith reminded him, indignantly. "It's already gonna kill him! Why are you trying to waste the battery?!"

"Because if it doesn't," Roland carries on, unintimidated. "If it survives the blast, we'd have to shoot it again. Angel forwarded the data on the BFG to me. It's effective, but it overheats after every fire. The cooldown process would take too long for us to recharge, so we have to take it out on the first and only shot. So, let it charge."

That's… fair.

Actually, she's a little jealous. Roland just kind of exudes badassery. He's probably the textbook definition of stoic. And aloof. Definitely disciplined. Super serious. Possibly a perfectionist. Or overdramatic?

Nah.

He is pretty uptight though. A state of being, that sadly, almost no amount of epicness can cure.

Such a pity.

"Well… charge faster." Lilith's order sounded weak, even to her own ears, but Roland nodded along, nonetheless. It's probably something to do with all that soldier boy, military jargon. Maybe she could do something to help with that?

How does one go about unbrainwashing someone, who's been brainwashed into being disciplined…? TV? Lilith's parents always said it would have the opposite kind of effect, so it definitely seems worth a try.

"Roland, seriously man! We don't have time for this!" Mordecai shouts back worriedly. She could see why. An empty clip is a sniper's worst nightmare. Being chased by a massive, terrifying, beast, that has a vendetta against said sniper, probably didn't help.

Go figure.

"Make time." Roland stubbornly refuses. "It's almost ready."

Brick shrugged, and throwed the first thing he could grab at the Rakk Hive… her shoes. Lilith knew she shouldn't have taken those off. What's really bad is that she didn't bring a spare set. Now she's gonna have to trek the rest of this desert/jungle/tundra planet barefoot. Not fun.

Its stomps were actually starting to shake the Technical and given that it was close enough for her to smell it's rancid, corpse like breath, she had a feeling they were out of time. "Roland."

"Brace yourselves!" He reared back, and good thing he warned them, because the second he fired, the whole car stalled. Considering that they were going over two hundred miles per hour the second before that, it was a miracle the car wasn't completely totaled.

She'd have to give Jack credit for the safety features, they were very thorough.

When she looked up again, she could barely see anything over the rising dust cloud. But what she could make out, was the very big, very dead body of the Rakk Hive.

How does she know it's dead, you may be wondering?

On her part, it's a little assumed. But in all fairness, missing a head, via laser decapitation (or obliteration, in this particular case) seems like it would kill just about anything. "Hey, Roland…"

"Yes?"

"I think you could have fired it sooner."

"Hmmph."

...​

Commandant Steele was not a patient woman.

She most certainly was not a merciful one. What she was, was effective. Intelligent, cunning, the perfect warrior, the perfect leader. Even without her powers, she would have easily excelled in the Atlas military. It's why they made her an officer, put others under her command, entrusted her with this mission. With Pandora.

She would not fail because some Hyperion лакей in a mask, tried to make a power grab for a planet he knew nothing about, with the aid of one of Dahl's many rejects. Atlas was far superior to both of these pretender corporations combined.

Steele refused to be beaten by their refuge. Even if she had to get her hands dirty.

Though, to be completely honest, she enjoyed that part rather much.

"Where is she?" She questions with a sneer, standing triumphantly and viciously over the petty little tyrant, the self-acclaimed 'bandit baron'. Peh. What need does trash have for titles?

"W-what?" 'Baron' Flynt stuttered, crawling away from her while his home burned. "W-who the hell are you talking about?!"

Steele spat at the bandit, grabbing his left leg to end his fruitless retreat. "Dr. Patricia Tannis. You know where she is. Tell me." This time she twisted the leg, bending it quite unnaturally without breaking it. There would be time for that.

"T-Tanis." Baron gasped incredulously, with a hint of hysteria. "How should I know?"

She twisted the leg back further, and he screamed. "Do not lie to me. The people of Haven have pointed you out specifically. They tell me that you are working directly under her, that they heard it from the mouth of Tannis herself."

"Tannis is the liar." Baron continued pleading, anger creeping into his voice. "Before all of this, I was just a warden, I didn't have anything to do with all that science crap, I swear! I have no idea where she is!"

"What." Steele did not release her grip, but she didn't push back further either. Too lost in thought.

A lie. A trick. A decoy. Of course. She should have suspected nothing less.

While she's been massacring bandits, her enemies have gained the upper hand, again. She really should have seen this coming. That just makes her angrier.

"Then I suppose I have no use for you." She glared down at the only immediate person capable of feeling her ire.

"Wait, wait!" Baron waved his hands frantically. "You don't want to kill me. I-I can find her."

Intriguing. "How?"

"I worked at Dahl as a warden, remember? I know all the channels! I can check the radios, maybe she'll let something slip, o-or we could track her signal." He added, as she increased the pressure.

Steele frowned. It was a pitiful lead, but with Tannis's lab empty, and the Doctor herself mysteriously vanishing into thin air, it was the only one she had had. "Very well. But know this, if you're lying, I'll break the other one before I kill you."

"The other wha-ARRGGHH!" Baron Flynt cut himself off with a scream, as he gingerly clutched his now broken leg.

She felt better about this already.

...​

Tch, tch, tch. You see what happens when baddies go offscreen for a little bit?

Murder rampage. Every time.

Anyways, thank you all for tuning into today's chapter, I apologize if it's a little later than usual, but I was writing another chapter, and lost track of time.

You know the drill though, if you want to read ahead, check me out at FFN, or my Patreon. Link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 21 Reunited And It Feels So Good

"Do you guys see it?" Seriously, it shouldn't be this hard to find. Like, it glows.

Although, in hindsight, maybe they should have guessed it would have been harder to search a football field sized corpse. What could she say? She wasn't really thinking that far ahead. Her priority was to kill the Rakk Hive, preferably without getting killed by said Rakk Hive.

Maybe she should come up with better plans. Or stop making them.

Things were going pretty well when she was working under Jack. Wait. Not like that. Bad thoughts, Lilith. He's your boss. This is why your relationships never last. Just take this slow. Play it cool. Be smooth, suave, sexy…

Or something like that. What did the cosmo say again? Not that she reads those!

It was just… on the table. She was bored. That's her story, and she's sticking to it.

"Found it!" Mordecai exclaimed, lifting up a stone victoriously. A stone. "Wait. Nevermind, it's just a rock." What is even the point of wearing those weird google things, if they don't even improve your eyesight.

Lilith facepalmed again, for the fourth time today. And immediately regretted it, because her hands were still sticky and wet from monster guts, and now that stuff is smeared all over her face. Awesome.

Why was she even searching for it inside the body?! For all she knew, the Rakk Hive could have been wearing it like an accessory, like a necklace or an earring. Oh God, somebody please tell her they didn't incinerate/disintegrate it along with the head.

No, no, no! What if that did happen?

Is that even possible? Aren't these Vault Key fragment whatevers supposed to be super tough? Then again, if they are supposed to be tough, then why are they in pieces in the first place? This line of thinking is not bringing down her stress.

Just gotta keep searching. Can't stress out if you're too busy working, right? Unless the work is what's stressing you out. Then you're just going through an endless loop of stress, and the only relief is the sweet release of dea-

"Hey guys, I got it!" Brick cheered, lifting up the real fragment. And just like that, the weight on her shoulder just loosened up immensely.

If Brick wasn't more muscle than man, and if she wasn't terribly clumsy at relationships/touchy feely moments (like really bad), and if they both weren't covered in blood and intestines, she would totally kiss him. Probably. Or maybe not. Like she said, she isn't great with this stuff.

Lilith would definitely hug him, though. If he wasn't covered in monster guts. She'll stop now.

Lilith whispered a prayer of thanks, and turned back to Roland, cocky grin restored. "I told you we'd find it. Call Jack and give him the good word."

Roland nodded his head, and shifted his neck slightly, a sign that he was a touch annoyed. All that 'thousand-yard' staring has given him a severe case of permanent straight face. So, they really had to rely on those subtle signs of body language to tell how he was really feeling.

Admittedly, she wasn't the best person to translate that stuff, but she's known him long enough to know his annoyed 'face' by now. Roland was annoyed a lot, so it wasn't exactly hard to figure out, but still.

"Angel." Roland started speaking into his echo. Lilith was pretty sure that she told him to call Jack, but whatever, that's cool. It's not like she's in charge or anything. "We have the last fragment. We need to rendezvous with Jack, and reassemble the Key. How soon can he be available?"

"Very." A rouge, charming, masculine voice, that was noticeably not Angel answered in reply. "I'm sending you coordinates to the nearest Fast Travel, get there ASAP, and we can meet up here. Tannis's old lab was ransacked a couple of hours after we left, so Pandora's probably gonna be a little too hot for a while. Oh, and Roland?"

"Yes, sir?" Look at that. So respectful. Does Lilith need to remind him they aren't military?

"Angel is not my secretary. M'kay? I know that she's filled in for me a few times when I was busy, because she's awesome. But that does not make her the go between for you and me. She is very busy. She doesn't have the time to help you guys with every little problem, but she's too nice to say no, so I'm doing it for her. Are we clear?" Jack concluded sternly.

Wow. Lilith feels like she just caught second hand scolding from her dad. Brutal.

Roland clearly felt the same because he twisted on his feet a smidge. Body language, remember? "Ahem. Yes, sir. I understand."

"Coolsies." And now the 'fun' Jack is back. Ha. Jack is back, that rhymes. "Don't keep us waiting, as soon as Tannis gets that key patched up, we're opening the Vault. Oh, and make sure the BFG is recharged on the drive over, we're gonna need it to fight the Destroyer."

Right. The 'Destroyer'. The illustrious mega monster that Jack warned them about. Yup, she was really worried about that thing. Or she would be. If it existed.

And yeah, maybe she should be a little less skeptical about this. After all, Jack seemed to believe it, he wasn't an idiot. Also given some very recent experiences, she didn't object to the fact that there are massive, terrifying beings out there in the world. Especially this world.

But that doesn't mean that the 'Destroyer' is actually as bad as the name implies. Plus, Destroyer, really? It just feels like a really cheesy, very uncreative name. Personally, she would have called it something awesome like the Warrior, or Firehawk.

Ooh! She liked that one. Lilith's gonna have to remember it.

"We'll start heading to the coordinates now." Roland spoke again, nodding to the group as he started walking back to the car. "Is there anything else we can-"

"That should be fine." Jack interrupted him, as the sounds of crashing broke through the transmission. "Frickin Claptrap! Just stay still- Okay, listen guys, I hate to cut you off like this, but I got to handle something right now, so we can pick up on this when you get here. Kay? Love ya, buh-bye."

Lilith raised an eyebrow, while Brick smiled. "Love you too, boss!" He joyfully responded.

That was… she's not gonna look into that right now. "What was that about?" Lilith distractedly asked, referencing the crashing and the Claptraps, somehow completely unsurprised that the two were correlated.

She shared a look with Mordecai about it, as he was the closest to a sane person in the current group, aside from her, of course. At least, she thought they shared a look. Stupid goggles, preventing direct eye contact like that.

He wasn't even pulling them off. Just like he wasn't pulling off that weird ski mask thing (they are in the desert, what is he thinking?!). Or his beard. Don't get her wrong, beards can be cool, just look at Santa and Jesus. But a beard without a mustache?

There's just something off about that. Get it?

Because his beard has no mustache, so it's like the mustache is… off. You know what, forget it. The joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.

"Hey!" Roland called out from the driver's seat, looking at them all sternly. When did he even get there. "Let's go."

Lilith shrugged. She's sure Jack could take care of whatever it was until they got there.

...​

"No! Put that down now, and- Hey! What did I say about dancing?!" I roared at the maniacal, mechanical monstrosity. What have I done?

"But Mr. Jack! I gotta! It's in my blood." Claptrap begged, while walking like an Egyptian, sans the legs. This reprogramming stuff is going a lot more challenging than I thought it would.

"One: I don't care. Two: You don't have blood. At best, you have oil. Three: I don't care. Four: I told you to never, ever engage in any form of dance protocols outside of battle!" It's the only compromise I would allow. Besides, he was unsurprisingly effective at wrecking people and things while dancing. It really makes the most sense.

"But-"

"And five: Initiate Morpheus Protocol. Begin sleep mode."

"Okay!" Clank.

I am so happy I made that virus.

But now I have to lug him out of my lab again. Great. Unless…

"Intern!" I called upon the darkest arts, to summon the lowliest of creatures. A being forced to obey my every command, with nothing to receive in turn, save for 'experience' and 'references'. Which in other words, is completely nothing.

"My name is Paul…" The intern said in a way of greeting. He does that a lot, it must be a cultural thing.

"Intern." I addressed the intern, who might be having problems with his vision, given that his eyes are rolling. "Move this thing back into the open access labs. But make sure everyone knows, I'm working on him. I'm not tossing him out." Yet. "I just need to clear up some space while I work on something more important."

"Well, uh, what're you working on?" The intern snooped. Awe, adorable. He doesn't even have a company ID, and he's already trying to play with the big boys.

"Yeah, nice try." I laughed, in a 'you're stupid' kind of way. "Even if we did give you guys wages, this would still be leagues above your paygrade. Now, less chit chat, more manual labor. Okay, pumpkin?"

"Yes, sir." The intern dishearteningly answered. He grunted away as he carted the one wheeled wonder out of the lab. If he scratched my floors, I swear I'll-

Hmm. What could I do? He doesn't make any money, so it's not like I can cut his salary. Can you even fire someone who works for free? I'll think of something- I'll finish working on the Vault Key with Tannis, then I'll figure this out.

Gotta keep those priorities in check. Overclocking the franchise's number two mascot can wait.

"Jack." Tannis greeted in a surprisingly sane way, as she entered the lab. I guess being around other people helped revitalize her social skills. "Dare I inquire why there is a hint of endorphins, as well as an overabundance of testosterone in the air." Nevermind.

For those of you who don't quite grasp the whole science lingo, she just asked why it smells like tears and frustration in here. Which for one, rude. And for two… my work is a little demanding, and sometimes I get a little emotional. No further comments, I plead the fifth.

"You could dare." I noted. "Or you can shut up and help me fix the Vault Key."

Rather than being offended, Tannis's eyes lit up in excitement, and a little bit in madness. "You have the last fragment?"

"The Vault Hunters have the last fragment." I corrected, crossing my arms a little smugly. "But they'll be here soon. Guess hiring them wasn't such a dumb idea after all, huh?!" I directed that last bit at the camera, facing it with a smirk, as I was one hundred and twenty percent sure that Tassiter was hacking into my security system. Again.

Tannis looked surprised at me again, before rather unexpectedly hugging me. Then she quickly pulled away and patted herself down. Really? This is the woman that would one day climb into the intestines of an alien creature for warmth, Hoth style, and she was afraid of the old Jack-germs?

They aren't even bad for you. In fact, they've done wonder for me. Also, what was with the hug again? I know I'm being cool about it, but that was really weird.

She smiled, and it was one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life. It held a glint of relief, empathy, and joy. So terrifying. "Truly, my associate, no, my dearest friend," Oh, I alreadyhate this, please stop. "I thought myself the only one enlightened enough to see past the physical exterior and connect with the being that hides behind."

What is she talking about?! I'm as worried as I am confused!

"But you can see it too! You can see the spirit that binds itself within these so called 'animate objects'." What? Oh, the camera thing! I gotta set this straight, now. "I haven't felt this close to someone since my fallout out with Echo Recorder!"

Sheesh. I really don't want to open that can of worms. Should I start hiring those therapists I was talking about, now?

"Look, Doc-" I was cut off by the wsssh of the door opening (I love my new door. I'll never have to pull or push something open ever again!) and the classic superhero entrance of Pandora's four biggest badasses. Well, it's classic if superheroes enter the room casually, and are covered in alien blood.

Do Men in Black count as superheroes?

"Jack." Lilith smiles brightly, it practically shined compared to the dirt and grime that coated them. "We got it." She lifts up the key in one hand victoriously, as it glowed purple proudly. I am gonna be so peeved if she pulls a Starlord and drops it right in front of me.

She doesn't. Lilith hands it to me, and I feel like whimpering in relief. Not shouting. It's more like, you know how you're not sure that you'll be able to do something, but one day, you go farther than you've ever gone before?

You'd think you feel excited, and you do, a little. But mostly, you feel anxious, worried. This is the closest you've ever come, what happens if you trip up now, when you're so close to winning. But then, somehow, you don't mess up, you keep calm, or as calm as you can, and push through.

You push through the pain, the sweat, the tears, and the shaking limbs, and by the time you're done you feel like crying. And in that moment you collapse, overjoyed, because you just did the impossible. Even after everyone doubted, even after you doubted. You did it.

Miraculous, I didn't drop it. It's quite the feet when you're holding it in shaking hands, and slightly sweaty palms.

I hand it off to Tannis, before it slips. Thankfully (but mostly oddly) she didn't seem to mind the sweat, holding it close and reverently. I turn my head back to the others, and give them a cocky smile, that I hope wasn't betrayed by my obviously recovering-tense body language.

"Great job, kiddos!" I really hope that didn't come off as condescending. Most of the time it isn't, but I have one of those kinds of voices, now. You know? The ones that sound pretentious and snarky? That's me. "I never doubted you."

Which was completely true. Because I knew the canonical future. Otherwise, I'd be an even bigger wreck of relief right about now.

Just… I need a second to breathe. Honestly, I'm about to start crying tears of joy. Why is all of my work so emotional?!

...​

Patricia Tannis admired her emotionally charged, and surprisingly sensitive, tentative friend, for all of five seconds. Or perhaps it was five minutes? Whichever was the least socially awkward, she was sure.

Admittedly, she was a bit distracted herself.

In the palm of her hands, she had the last piece required to reform the Vault Key. Everything they've worked for, all that she's sacrificed for, and now her labors have been rewarded. Even still, she could only imagine what wonders were locked away inside the Vault.

Power? Knowledge? An odd assembly of missing doll parts, seemingly important files, and various tapes of past memoirs? What? It's what she keeps in her vault.

Patty waited for what she was certain was the appropriate time of coping before gently gripping Jack's shoulder. "Jack, we are ready to begin… if you are ready." She nervously tacked on, as for some mysterious reason, she received strange looks from their hired mercenaries.

Well, Jack's hired mercenaries.

Patricia never actually paid them anything. But in her defense, they never requested a wage. And besides, after that one disaster, when she reimbursed her former employees at the dig site with her finest collection of exotic stamps, and a pizza from a rather quaint restaurant in Fyrestone, she was no longer allowed to manage matters of finance.

She thought the pizza was wonderful. She especially enjoyed how her mushrooms tried to flee.

"Right." Jack coughed into his fist abruptly. "Thanks, Doc." She continued to stare at him, and he coughed once more. "You can get your hand off my shoulder now."

Ah, right. Patricia almost forgot about that. She would have, had Jack not reminded her. It was such a fascinating shoulder, so lean and comfortable, rather surprising from an office worker- ah, she should remove her hand now, should she not?

"Of course." She agreed, only slightly reluctantly. Patricia has been rather touch starved for a while. Perhaps now she'll be able to get a pet? Or even adoption? She's always been enamored with the idea of raising a fine, young pair of ceiling chairs.

If you have to ask her what a ceiling chair is, then this self-thought conversation is over.

"Alrighty, then." Jack cracked his knuckles, it sounded quite lovely. "Let's get started."

...​

I won't bore you with the details behind the science process, let me just say that it was the MOST amazing thing I have ever seen! It was like these magic, magnetic remnants of tech, had a love child with science, while reality sat in the corner and watched.

And all together, they made the most amazing display of light, power, and pizzaz, since the stars were made! I really wished I got that on video, because frankly no one believes me when I tell them about it, and Tannis was an unreliable witness.

Not because she lied, but because she's crazy. I know, I know, I keep telling them, it's okay if you're crazy, if you're also really smart. Or really hot. Tannis is both! Well, she's one and a half. She doesn't really go the extra mile for appearance's sake. Which takes away some points.

Plus, well, let's just say that a lot of sexual tension really dies out when you see someone eat a live spider. Just, damn. I still get shivers from that.

"Angel, we've got the key." I echo my findings proudly, holding the key in question like it was the One Ring. "Tell me you know where the Vault is?"

It's literally the only thing I've been having her do (barring every time I or my Vault Hunters had to call her up for help). Plus, she's already got days of footage from the Satellite, there's no doubt in my mind she's got the location.

"I'm sorry." Okay, now I'm doubting. "Pandora's just too widespread. I've been able to narrow down six possible sites, but it's too little to confirm anything."

"Why does this always happen to me?" I asked myself rhetorically, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Okay, send out some of our drones, when they report back in, check what they've found, and if they don't report back in, let me know. Might be the place. Tannis?"

"Yes?"

"You got some intel on Dahl, right? Facilities, mining operations, that sort of thing?" I continue.

"Yes, though none that have revealed the location of the Vault." Tannis warns.

"That's fine, we can still use that to narrow the search. I want you to coordinate with Angel, check their databases, their transcripts, heck see if you can find anything on their channels, I am not letting Atlas win this." I said determinedly.

Facing the rest of my team, I see most of that resolve reflected, but not all. Time to erase the doubt.

"The rest of you, with me. This is the big one, time to suit up for the occasion."

...​

Fair warning: this isn't a black tie event.

Once again, thank you all for tuning in! Feel free to check me out at FFN to catch up to the most recently released chapter of the fic, or feel free to check me out on Patreon, where you can read up to five chapters past that, link below:

My Patreon

 

[Mad King Kevin]

Chapter 22 Jack And The Box

As a kid, I've always been interested in Greek culture. I read too much Percy Jackson, you know? And of course, I was also a DC fan boy, prior to the MCU anyway, and when you keep finding yourself back to the theme of these wise beings, these heroic warriors, the lesson kind of sticks.

That Hercules movie by Disney all but confirmed it.

Here's the thing, though. Greek culture, religion? That's not really what it's about. It wasn't until I got older, that I finally read the true story. Uncovered the dark, sordid details that wouldn't have been out of place in a Grimm's Fairy Tale.

Yup, fairy tales too. Everything from our childhoods has been scrubbed so clean of any and all graphic content, that it'll shine under a lightbulb. Something to think about. But I'm getting off tack.

You see the truth is, the Greeks didn't have good heroes. They had epic heroes, tragic heroes. There wasn't ever a real happy ending. It was more or less, happy for the time being, if even. And the gods I idolized? They were the worst of the bunch.

Murder, rape, cannibalism, torture, you name it, they done it. Even their 'gifts' always came with some hidden price, a truly horrifying cost. Like Midas. He wanted to turn whatever he touched into gold. So, Dionysus, the god of wine and partying, all that fun stuff, gave him that power.

So, everything he touched turned into gold. Everything. After all, he never asked for whatever he wanted to turn, just whatever he touched. So, his horses, his food, his kids. Shiny metal trophies. All of them. Pretty tacky ones, at that.

I could name a dozen of these things, the Curse of Achilles, the Golden Apples of Hesperides, you get my point, right? They take something harmless, something good, and they twist it around, making you pray that you just stuck with toeing the line. Which was kinda the idea.

Take Pandora, nice girl, lovely personality, unclear origins. She was smothered with gifts, and blessings, until one day, she got a box, (actually, it was a jar, but again, unclear origins) that she was even warned not to open.

And she didn't… until she did. Go figure, curiosity is one hell of a temptation.

Turns out that by doing so, she unleashed all evil. So, curiosity kills everything in this case. Except for hope. For only Man could spring that loose. Suffice it to say, no one ever opened the box again. They learned their lesson.

Which leads me to my point… am I doing the right thing?

Okay, you know what, that was phrased poorly, don't read too much into it. I obviously know that I'm the good guy. I've been honest, ethical, supportive, all those classic hero patented traits. Morally, I feel pretty okay with this.

What I mean to ask is, am I doing the smart thing?

Because while I can understand my whole thought process behind this stuff hypothetically, I'm still trying to keep the logic about it in mind. Just- Look, I'm trying to open a Vault that was sealed by an ancient now deceased race of apparently very intelligent aliens. One that happens to hold the most dangerous monster in all of creation.

Well, allegedly dangerous. It gets its weird tentacle whatever, one eyed ass kicked by four tiny humans on the first round. The point is, it's supposed to be a very big threat. Will be, if I ever let Tyreen try to muck this up.

Which I will not. I know it seems like I'm whining this a lot of the time, but I'm not. Trust me, I have a plan. Well, I have a guideline, anyways. You know what they say about the 'best laid plans' and all.

So, I know on paper, my little business venture seems a little, eh, risky, but think of the reward!

Fame, fortune, glory, respect, etc. Who could pass this up?!

And yeah, maybe I should play this a little cautiously. I should remember how well it ended for the good guys in the Fables, and say 'well, lesson learned. I will never ever do that.' And you know what? I will definitely think about all that junk while I'm busy counting my money.

Because let's face it. Reality isn't a book. It's the greatest story of all time.

And in every great story, the hero always wins.

Handsome Jack, CEO of Hyperion, Chronicles Of Pandora, Vault of The Destroyer

...​

"Dad?" Angel repeated, after a moment of silence. "Did you hear me? I said-"

"No, it's okay. I heard you. I was just processing." I rambled, looking back at my echo in wonder. "You found it already? How? I thought we'd need at least another few cycles for the drones to report back."

"We didn't need them to." Angel explained a little giddy. "Dr. Tannis and I were eliminating one of the locations when the Satellite we had in orbit detected an immense energy spike, from one of the sectors we narrowed. I had the drone we sent into that area investigate the source, and…"

This was it.

It was just like I remembered. Broken stone arches scattered around, laying about snow banks on a mountain peak, and at the center of it all, a hole. A keyhole. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Wait a minute, energy spike? We haven't even gotten there yet, what did that?

"Can you tell what caused the spike?" I asked. I know, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but something about this doesn't seem right. The site's completely barren, no one's been there for decades, probably longer, but suddenly the lights are back on?

"We're unsure." Angel answered with the casualty of someone who hadn't played the game and saw the ending. "But based on the timing, we believe it may have been caused by the reassembly of the Key. It's possible that the Vault's reacting to its presence."

"This far away?" I asked skeptically. "Sweetie, we're literally lightyears away from Pandora, right now. I know the Eridians were tough and all, but come on, their tech's gotta have limits. Right?"

"If they do," Angel acknowledged. "Then they are certainly far higher than ours."

Can't argue with that.

"Okay, then. I want you to send a Fast Travel down to the Vault's location, ASAP. Have the drones move one of the ones we've already got there if you have to." I instruct, quickening my pace back towards the armory, while reloading a spare clip into one of the most expensive guns Hyperion's ever made.

"Are you sure that's wise? Tampering with the network like that could have consequences we can't foresee. There's not an immediate rush, we do have time." Angel tries to soothe rationally.

"Angel, the whole planet's gunning for us, the faster we take care of this, the less ground they'll cover. Besides, if things go to hell, we're probably gonna need to book it." Which I really hope isn't an option.

Opening the Vault, that's risky. Letting the monster inside it, loose? That's suicidal.

"Just- whatever you do, you gotta make it happen fast, okay?" I'm now trying to be an unethically demanding dick here. I'm just a stressed out boss trying to fill the quota.

"I'll see what I can do." Angel reluctantly agreed. "You should begin prepping the Vault Hunters for departure. I'll arrange what I can for travel."

Just bear with me on this, kid. We're almost past the Finish Line.

I absentmindedly check the charge on my lasers as my steps draw nearer to the armory. Everything looks optimal, percentage is performing above expectation, readouts are showing a marked improvement over past equipment.

The 'suit' looks pretty badass. If I do say so myself. I was the chief designer, so I do.

It looked like something of a cross between Mass Effect, Halo, and Power Rangers, which you'd think would be too many things to still look okay, but they clashed surprisingly well. The V-visor on the face template actually had multiple forms of vision. X-ray, thermal, the full Detective Mode experience.

I wore a black jumpsuit underneath the metal plating, to my small regret. I'd love to just cover my whole body up with the stuff, but I gotta be able to move some of my joints, otherwise I'm just a standing meat shield. So, some parts of my body were only protected by a layer of leather, Kevlar, and other stuff I wasn't listening to R&D explain, for the sake of mobility.

The actual armor itself, that had to be my favorite part.

Golden plating on top of a titanium-tungsten alloy, highlighted by the shining blue lines of energy, showcasing some of the energy powering the amour's shielding and life support. And before you ask, yes, that's over the Kinect barrier shield I already have in place.

I wore it on my chest, back, and groin, protecting my most vital areas. I had it surround my arms and legs, for limb protection. And I draped it on as shoulder pads because… well, to be honest it just made me look really cool.

There's probably some protection based reasons I can use, but mostly I wanted that part for aesthetics. Sue me.

"I look awesome!" Someone cheered. What? It wasn't me.

The doors to the armory slid open, and the speaker, who was not me, was revealed to be Brick. I told you it wasn't me, grumble, why doesn't anyone ever believe me, grumble.

I was a little less inventive with the others' appearances. Mind you, I put in the attempt, but well… you know how it goes. You focus on the character you wanna upgrade, and half assedly try to make the others look good, and end up just doing a step above okay?

So, yeah. Little bit of that.

I at least did their classic colors.

Lilith was decked out with the only female variant of what I'm referring to as 'badass armor'. It's got the full nine yards, I even added some homemade repulse cannons to go with the red and gold theme I yoinked from Iron Man.

Roland had a pretty basic set, but I changed his helmet to match up with Halo. Add some soldier elements in. Other than that, his armor was colored navy blue, because I already reserved stone cold grey for Brick.

Speaking of, he was just wearing as much armor as my scientists assured me he could carry. Which was a terrifying amount. I think I could shoot him with a rocket right now without even scratching him.

Bloodwing didn't have anything. Sorry, girl. Frankly though, anything strong enough to protect her from bullets and crap, makes her too heavy to fly. She's just gonna have to rely on some of them biological defenses.

Mordecai didn't have anything special. Maybe his was a bit skinnier. Also, he had copper painting because I don't like to reuse color schemes. No real improvements over the rest, although there is the added bonus of not having room for his ridiculous goggles. So, that's a plus.

"You guys are looking good." I appraised them, mostly honest. "Ready for a field test?"

"Already?!" Lilith asked giddy, and maybe a little nervously. "Awesome!" She cheered, hiding her nerves behind her excitement.

"I didn't think Angel would finish her reconnaissance this quickly." Roland admitted, looking a little hesitant. "Are you sure we're ready to handle this?"

"Yeah, not to sound like a pessimist or something, but…" Mordecai trailed off, trying to find another big word to use after 'pessimist'. "Don't you think we're a little unprepared?"

"No. I don't. Come on guys, what's with all this quitters talk?" I asked around frantically, grabbing Mordecai and Roland by the shoulders reassuringly. And definitely not painfully. "We've got the best gear, we've got the best chance, and we've got the best badasses to boot! We're golden, baby. Stop stressing."

"It just feels a little premature, man." Mordecai commented. Huh, he found another big word.

"It's not." I reassure him. "Has this whole thing felt a little fast paced? Sure. But I promise you, just because we're on the last step of a long sprint doesn't mean we cut across the track. I know it doesn't feel like it, time flies and all that, but this has been a long, long time coming. Trust me."

"Yeah." The now completely masked man, pondered. "You're probably right, amigo."

"Always am." It's not arrogance if it's true. "So, who's ready to kick some ass, and get filthy stinking rich?"

"Hell yeah!" Lilith cheered, bumping into my shoulder affectionately. Well, I assume it was meant to be affectionate. It actually kind of hurt, which is more impressive than anything else, when you consider this armor should be able to withstand an orbital fall.

I should really look into Siren strength at some point. Or I should review who I hire when I'm making these mega projects. Eh, both are worth looking into, I guess.

"Love that enthusiasm." I did not wheeze. I just… choked up a little. It's a very emotional moment, I'm a sensitive guy. Shut up. "Well then, let's get going. Angel? Is the Fast Travel ready?"

"Yes…"

"Buut?" I sighed. So predictable. "Something's gone wrong, there's some horrible catch, or there's an unexpected development?"

"I wouldn't say horrible catch." Angel argued, ineffectively.

"Angel." Cue the 'dad voice'.

"The Fast Travel isn't stable enough to safely transport individuals." Angel admitted. "I was able to recalibrate some of the software to allow the mass teleportation, with the additional factors-"

"Angel, we have an audience, and you're boring them to tears." Particularly of the yawning variety. Poor Brick has to wipe his eyes clean with fists the size of a large lunchbox, that can't be fun.

Angel huffed into the echo. She probably pouted too. She just gets so excited when she gets to explain all this nerd stuff. Probably inherited it from me, her nerd dad. "I can send you, but only if the four of you are already grouped together, protected by a metal casing with immense protection from some of the systems more… abrasive features."

"What, like the Technical?" I asked, confused. "You can't fast travel that stuff, Angel. It has to be digistructed, we tested, remember?"

That was a bad day at the office.

"I remember." Angel grimaced. "Thankfully, the procedure we'll be using is much more refined. It should negate the risks involved and allow you to safely travel. Though, I would not encourage repeated use."

I'm not even sure if I want it for just one use. "I don't know…"

"I wouldn't suggest it if I wasn't sure you would be alright." Angel assured me gently. "Right now, it's the safest option we have, with speed in mind."

Hardest thing in the world is starting to put trust in your kids. I don't mean that emotionally, no one knows you better than the people who made you, I mean more logically. Keep in mind, I remember when I had to teach this kid the alphabet, and multiplication, and now she's smarter at this stuff than me, err Jack me? This crap's confusing.

The point is, I know she's skilled, but there's always gonna be that tiny bit of skepticism there.

"Alright." I sighed. I mean, she is skilled, right? If she says we'll be fine, then we'll be fine. I trust my kid. Incidentally, now feels like a pretty good time to start writing up that will. I'm thinking, Angel gets all my worldly possessions, the Vault Hunters (if they are still alive) get their paychecks, and Claptrap can have my eternal spite.

Even if I die, my hate for irritating machinery will live on forever. Pretty good legacy, right there.

"Well guys, let's go hop in a big metal box on wheels, and hope that it protects us from being flung lightyears across the galaxy at record speed." I finished with a clap, exaggerated by fake confidence. That speech really sounded more inspiring in my head.

I caught a few glimpses of amusement, but mostly it was reluctant acceptance. "Sounds fun."

"Okay!"

"Understood."

"Whatever."

That's good enough for me!

...​

It truly is a testament to how much she trusted Jack that she was willing to follow along with an undoubtedly crazy, and probably suicidal plan. Well, either that, or it showed that she was really desperate for cash.

The life of a badass Siren warrior, has done shockingly little to pay the bills. Or taxes. Not that she actually paid that stuff anyways, but even if she wanted to, she couldn't. Which was the real tragedy here.

Lilith might have considered a change of careers if she wasn't about to make a million dollars from just a week's worth of work. Actually, it's only been a few days, but that's only because of Pandora's insane solar cycles.

Just another mark against the planet she was almost growing fond of.

On one hand, it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy (she loved Star Wars!) but on the other, she can really let loose, pretty much guilt free. It's- now don't get her wrong, she's not a psychopath or anything, but she does have a lot of repressed feelings stemming from her lack of a stable childhood, her life on the run, and the stress of getting her doctorate-

Okay, so Lilith had a few issues, who doesn't? The point is, it's kinda nice that she found a place where she can blow some steam without anyone freaking out. She'll hand it to Pandora, it grew on her. Like a fungus, or a tumor, or a Claptrap.

You know, something she can learn to live with, but would prefer to cut off?

Lilith just wished she wasn't about to be slingshot right towards it. Or however the science behind it worked. Did she mention that she was a Doctor of Biology?

"Hey, Jack… this is safe, right?" Mordecai asked uncomfortably, looking around hastily, wondering if it was too late to back out. It totally was.

"Uhh, sure." Jack 'assured', actually using his seatbelt, something Lilith had never seen him do, despite many perilously and bumpy tricks through Pandora's landscape. "You heard Angel. We'll be completely fine."

Lilith could have sworn she heard him mutter 'probably' but he coughed up pretty quickly, so she was probably just imagining it. Right? Yeah. They're totally screwed.

"Initiating jump in T Minus: Ten."

"Sooo, quick question." Lilith tried to say casually, probably betrayed by the fact that she's tightening her seatbelt even more. "Does this job come with life insurance?"

"Nine."

"Nope." Jack ended with a pop. "Sorry."

"Eight."

"Awesome." Lilith groaned back into her seat, when inspiration took her. "Follow up question…"

"Seven."

"Shoot. Not literally, though." He joked.

"Six."

"If we do survive this, do you wanna- I mean like do you have any plans on Friday or…" She trailed off, flustered.

"Five."

"I could probably move some stuff." Jack confirmed, looking at her curiously. "Why, you asking me out?"

"Four."

"Yes…?"

"Three."

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, sure! Ahem. I'm game. Were you thinking like, lunch or maybe drinks, or…"

"Two."

"I was thinking about lunch." Lilith admitted. "But honestly, drinks sound a lot better right now."

"One."

"Yeah…" Jack tightened his seatbelt one final time himself. "They really do."

Without further ado, they were fast traveled, car and all, across the entire universe in matter of seconds, and right now, it felt more intense than any time she made the leap before. Lilith really felt sorry for Bloodwing, the only one among them without a seatbelt.

In retrospect, she probably should have felt more sorry for Mordecai, because those talons were definitely going to leave scars in that shoulder.

Of course, the second she thought about that, they landed, in the most violent, and undignified way they could, aside from crashing. Jack cracked his neck, and unbuckled, leaving the car slowly. Roland followed suit, and since she didn't want to be left behind, so did she.

The sight she saw amazed her. If the Fast Travel didn't leave stars in her eyes, then this definitely would. She's probably studied Sirens and their connections to the Vault more times than she's gotten into trouble. Probably.

But even still, there is a world of difference between reading and actually seeing.

"Finally." Jack cheered, a smile stretched wide across his face. Mask. Whatever, close enough. Actually, she can't even see the smile 'cause of the helmet. She'll just stop now. "Can you guys feel it? The excitement in the air? That spark. I knew we'd always make it here, but actually doing it, it just feels so…"

"False?" Suggested a Russian voice that wasn't Marcus. Turning around, she spotted an entire platoon of Atlas soldiers. Led by one woman… with blue tattoos. "Mistaken? Bitter? Hollow?" She continued, striding her way closer to Jack, who narrowed his eyes in scorn.

"I was gonna say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, actually. Why don't you give that one a try?" Jack snarked, looking as cocky as ever, if a bit pissed off.

The Siren that wasn't her, scoffed. "You have failed, Hyperion worm. This Vault belongs to the Atlas corporation. Hand over the Key. Now."

Lilith took it all back. Pandora completely sucked.

...​

What's this?! A cliffhanger! Inconceivable!

Well, I guess you'll just have to stay tuned in for the next chapter, tomorrow, where we'll wrap up the main game's plot. Until then, you know the drill. Catch up on FFN or SB, read ahead on my Patreon, link below.

My Patreon