Of course, the minute we're out of Uruk, we book it. In hindsight, telling Gilgamesh, he of the mountainous ego, to go fuck himself may not have been my wisest move. Honestly, if I was thinking straight, I would have just gone out on the work assignment, and then booked it the minute I was out of sight of Uruk. No need to tip him off that I was leaving by shouting my plans at his right-hand woman.
But, thanks to my temper, we need to run. Which means I have to catch a ride on Bayard again.
God, I hate that horse. I didn't used to, but the week I spent riding through America behind Georgios left me with a Pavlovian loathing of horses in general. Just looking at one makes my balls hurt. But… needs must.
---
We've been on the run for a day when the obvious question is finally asked.
We're sitting around the campfire, a hearty meal of charred Urdimmu roasting away on a spit, when Siegfried speaks up. "Master? While I am glad that you told Gilgamesh off, and that we have broken off from him, I'm afraid I must ask: Do you actually know where Ishtar is?"
I shift uncomfortably. "Ah, no. I was kind of hoping that Holmes knew."
"While I'm not sure, I would have to wager that she's at her temple on Mount Ebih," Holmes offers up, breaking his previous silence.
"Right then. So we approach her, and offer her the rest the gold we got from Nero in exchange for her helping us."
Everybody nods in agreement, or at least acceptance. It's a decent enough placeholder, as far as plans go.
Suddenly, Roman's hologram flickers to life. "Are we getting through?"
I nod.
"Right, so, there's a problem with the plan you just suggested."
I sigh. "What?"
"We already gave Ishtar all of our money."
"Ah- THAT WAS ALL OF OUR MONEY?"
"Well, yeah. We only had twenty-three cubits of gold left," Roman says. "Although I'm beginning to think that you weren't keeping track of our gold supplies. And
maybe that you don't know how big a unit of measure a cubit is."
"I was mostly using it for dramatic effect," I admit sheepishly. "So, we're broke?"
"Completely."
"Shit," c'mon brain, it's planning time. "Wait, wait, wait. I have a plan B." If we can't appeal to the goddess' greed, then we'll exploit her other vices. I already appeal to her pride through my flattery of her, but what other vices does a goddess of war and fertility have?
I turn to Cu. "Cu, buddy, I'm gonna need you to take one for the team…"
"Not entirely sure I like where this is going…"
"…by seducing the Mesopotamian goddess of sex and violence."
He's silent for a moment.
"…I'm listening."
"Basically, we're going to set you up as a honeypot. We set you up, you hook up with her, and hopefully, when we move out to save Mesopotamia and resolve the Singularity, she'll tag along. She's capricious enough that it's a possibility, and, hopefully, she has a positive enough impression of us from that first donation and me buttering her up that she won't mind helping us out."
Everyone just stares at me for a few seconds.
Then, Roman breaks the silence. "This… seems a bit flimsy."
"Maybe, but I've seen the power she can bring to bear, and the power Gilgamesh can bring to bear too, for that matter. If they're on Uruk's side, then the fact that enemies still remain would indicate that the opposition is at least as strong. We need Ishtar if we're to have any hope of winning."
"He has a point," Medea says, drawing everyone's attention. "We need her on our side to stand a chance, and right now, the only thing we have to offer her that she might want is Chaldea's biggest manwhore. If any of you have a better idea, I'd be happy to hear it."
"To be fair," I interject. "Everyone who's ever slept with Ishtar has come to an untimely and messy end. If you don't want to do this, Cu, I'll understand."
"Eh, with my luck, a messy death was kinda inevitable. At least this way I get to sleep with a literal sex goddess."
And with that, Operation Doggy Style is born.
Roman immediately vetoes my name for it, but I'm still calling it that in my head.
---
The basic plan is, well, a gamble. We send Cu on ahead to challenge her to a spar. Then, well, Cu was very insistent that we not overcomplicate things. Purportedly, his "mojo" will take care of the rest.
I guess tight, revealing spandex coupled with a fight that gets the blood pumping is a surefire recipe for seduction.
"This is going to backfire horribly," Galahad mutters.
"Don't worry," I say, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I have faith, if not in our luck, then in Cu's ability to get into
anyone's pants. He'll pull through for us."
"And beginning to seriously question whether saving humanity is really worth
anyone knowing that I was party to this," he grumbles."
"Oh, we're
definitely scrubbing this one from the books," I assure him. "I don't want my name associated with this any more than you do."
Everyone breathes a sigh of relief at that.
"So, how're things going?" Roman asks.
"I'll check." I fire up the mental link. '
Cu? She take the bait?'
'
Oh, she's definitely hooked
at the moment,' he sends back.
'
Really, dude?'
'
Hey, considering what you wanted to call the op, I don't think you have a leg to stand on, here.'
'
Fair enough. When can I expect you back?'
'
An hour. Maybe two.'
'
Right. I'll just… leave you to it, then.'
And I sever the mental link. "All right it worked. Now, anybody got a deck of cards? We're probably going to be here for a while."
---
We've just managed to remember how to play Go Fish when the goddess Ishtar, looking a bit flushed and with her clothes conspicuously ruffled, graces us with her presence.
"Be grateful, Master of Chaldea!" she announces. "I have decided to accompany you."
"We are honored beyond words, milady," I say dutifully. "Truly, we would be blessed to have you with us as we strive to save all of Mesopotamia, including your most favored city."
"Save Uruk?" she asks incredulously. "Like I'd ever do that. If they want to reject me, then they can see how they fare without my help."
"Well if you don't want to depose Gilgamesh, that's your business."
"Wait, what?"
"Hm? Oh, I simply thought that, if
you were the one to save them, they might realize the error of their ways, casting out Gilgamesh and reinstating your place as the supreme goddess of Uruk," I say, affecting nonchalance as I try to remember when you're supposed to say 'Go Fish.' "I thought that the idea of Gilgamesh booted out into the street as the cheering people of Uruk exalted you as you so rightly deserve might appeal to you."
She grabs me by the arm and pulls me to my feet.
"Milady?"
"C'mon. Let's go save Uruk."
