I Need A Meatshield- I Mean Hero! (MGQ - SI)

[Fission Battery]

Guess what's coming to Questionable Questing?! That's right motherfuckers it's monster girls brought to you by Fission Battery!

Of course it's staying PG-13 because I'm still posting on Spacebattles and Sufficient Velocity. Plus this is in Creative Writing, not the NSFW section.

Index.

Chapter 1 - One Misstep
Chapter 2 - Hello Village
Chapter 3 - Recovery
Chapter 4 - Goodbye Village
Chapter 5 - Ain't That a Kick in the Head
Chapter 6 - A Taste of Honey?
Chapter 7 - At The Pantomime
Chapter 8 - Enough Fucking Exposition
Chapter 9 - Bear Necessities
Chapter 10 - The Birds And The Bees Make Up

Omake - Hello Beastie

 

[Fission Battery]

*****
Chapter 1 - One Misstep

How would you expect a grand adventure to start? With a flair for the dramatic? No, no too obvious. Maybe then it could work that way. Everyone expects it to happen, so they think it won't happen, but it does! Subvert it then? How would you manage that? Have an ordinary day gone wrong?

Or right depending on how much of a masochist you are.

Here's a hint, I'm not one.

So when one simple day of the week decided to screw me over I would have never expected that. Which is why I should have, more ironic that way. I never saw it coming after all!

It started as any other, went to bed sometime after one in the morning, slept right through till twelve thirty, and actually got up just before one. Big accomplishment for me. I set my alarm to go off at ten, but I kept slamming the snooze button for hours on end. Yes I have horrible sleeping habits, but it's Christmas break and I do what I want!

Dragging my body out of bed, I fumbled for my glasses, threw on a shirt and a pair of socks. Leaving my room I was greeted by my fat ass cat. I gave him a friendly scratch under the chin. He deserved, the fat bastard was waiting there right outside my door. How cute of him.

"Hey there kitty. Who's a pretty kitty? You are. Yes you are. Yes you are." I said in that cutesy voice everyone makes, but is too embarrassed to admit it. You know the one.

Following that I found my way to the kitchen, and made myself a bowl of cereal. Almost out of milk, gotta ask mom to pick up more today. Ate while browsing the internet on my dad's Ipad. I checked out Spacebattles, no new alerts there. Hmm seemed like my parents were already at work, and my brother had left for his friend's house. Home alone for the short time that it mattered.

I finished up with breakfast and went to take a shower, wasted twenty minutes in there enjoying the hot water. I was deliberately trying to fog up the bathroom mirrors. Usually I never do that, causes mold after all, but what the hell? Who's here to stop me? Nobody! That's who!

I dried off and quickly got dressed. Ah, the old tried and true jeans and a t-shirt look. The shirt was one of my thicker ones with a chest pocket. I may not use that pocket, but it's there! Just in case! I think that particular shirt was green, of course over the next few months of hell that became my life it didn't stay that colour. My only pair of socks don't last too long either, nor did my underwear. My jeans though, they, were good to me.

What had forced me to give a damn about today? Very good question! Does looking into a picture of the sun hurt my eyes? Who asked that?! Was it you?! *Blam!* That's a very stupid question! This is the intro part, so don't count on the fourth wall protecting you yet! I can still get you! So see what happens if you try that again!

… Anyways, I was going out to a friend's house that afternoon with the guys. He was hosting a movie night then later we'd try to go out to a pub for some drinks. Never got to do that, everyone's too busy with school or work to get together. But if there wasn't the promise of cheap junk food or pizza I wouldn't have gotten up that morning, afternoon technically. Okay that and they're my friends.

As any sensible man would, I threw on my hoodie and leather jacket, gotta layer up on that clothing. It might not have been snowing, but damn was it cold. I should have even put on gloves or a hat, but that's just too sensible. And the hat would mess up my hair… yes, I'm petty.

I checked all my pockets to ensure I had everything I would need for the day. A part of the plan at my friends house was us staying over for the night and making it a sleepover, sort of thing. It would have been smart to pack a bag of spare clothing, toiletries like my toothbrush and toothpaste, a spare package of my medication, pajamas. You know the standard stuff. Really wished I had, but at the time I wasn't planning on staying overnight.

Seriously if I had packed that bag, so many of my problems that are yet to come, would've been much more tolerable if I had my pajamas. They were so comfy.
Before I left I gave my cat a small snack to placate him. If I hadn't he would've torn up the house. I walked for about five minutes before turning onto the main road. This put me in a pretty good mood.

You want to know why? Course you do, you're reading this. What?! You don't?! How dare you! *Blam!* I told you the fourth wall is weakest at the introduction! I haven't been caged by the narrative proper yet!

Now to reach my friend's house I simply could have walked there. But I'm too lazy to do that, so it was the bus for me. Thankfully there was a bus stop at the end of a nearby street. There was something I loved about this street. That was it was flat and long so I could sing and walk without feeling out of breath. Have you ever tried to climb a really steep hill and sing at the same time? Not fun.

Let's see, what to sing? What to sing? Ah! I've got it! Remembering the lyrics…. alright got that!

I began to snaps my fingers and hum to build up the right rhythm. There was nobody else on the street, so I could sing as loud as I wanted.

"Times, have changed.
And we've often rewound the clock,
Since the puritans got the shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
If today,
Any shock they should try to stand,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth rock. Plymouth Rock would land on them!
In olden days, a glimpse of stocking,
Was looked on as something shocking.
But now, God know!
Anything goes!
Good authors too who once knew better words,
Now only use four-letter words,
Writing prose.
Anything goes!"

It was a wonderful day, not a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining bright. It was the type of day were the only indications that it was winter was the freezing temperature and I could see my own breath.

"If driving fast cars you like,
If low bars you like,
If old hymns you like,
If bare limbs you like,
If Mae West you like,
Or me undressed you like,
Why, nobody will o-ppose~.
When ev'ry night the set that's smart,
Is intruding nudist parties in studios.
Anything goes!"

What's the next verse? Something, something, Mcclane? Russian Reds?

"When Missus Ned McLean, God bless her,
Can get Russian reds to "yes" her,
Then I suppose
Anything goes!
When Rockefeller still can hoard enough money to let Max Gordon
Produce his shows,
Anything goes!
The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
And that gent today
You gave a cent today
Once had several chateaux.
When folks who still can ride in jitneys
Find out that the Vanderbilts and Whitneys
Lack baby clothes,
Anything goes!"

I was nearing the end of the song. Don't screw it up! It had taken weeks to remember the lyrics to this song, even then I'm still second guessing which verse is which. Eh, who cares. Just me here. It's funny though, I guess that meme holds true, play Fallout, become musically cultured.

"When Sam Goldwyn can with great conviction
Instruct Anna Sten in diction,
Then Anna shows
Anything goes.
When you hear that Lady Mendl standing up
Now turns a handspring landing up-
On her toes!
Anything goes!
Just think of those shocks you've got
And those knocks you've got
And those blues you've got
From that news you've got
And those pains you've got,
If any brains you've got,
From those little radios~.
So Missus R., with all her trimmings,
Can broadcast a bed from Simmons
'Cause Franklin knows
Anything goes!"

I finished the song as my bus just passed me by… Fuck! How did I miss that?! I turned my head to follow the bus and whelp. He just kept going, driving down the road. How the hell did he miss me?

Well… nothing I can do now. I walked up to the bus stop's signpost and stood there. I've got thirty minutes to burn now. Great.

As a car speeds by me, I instinctively step back a few feet. It felt a little too close for comfort. I heard some honking and turned to look down the street. Approaching me was a massive semi-trailer so I again step back a few feet away from the curb.

As I did I saw something at the edge of my vision. It was a blurry purple… tear?

And now everything around me is green!

Where's the street lights?! Where's that signpost?! The concrete?!

As I was suppressing the urge to freak out I didn't notice the truck I thought to avoid continue driving by the curb with plenty of room to spare. No, what caught my eye was that the purple tear in reality suddenly closed with a pop sound.

Leaving me standing on a dirt path in the middle of a forest.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Did I, did I…. just do that? Was that a portal? Did I just walk through a portal!? On accident!?!"

It was going to be one of those days.

***

I had been walking through this forest for the better part of three hours. I know that because I constantly checked my cell phone to keep track of the time, and in the dim hope of getting a signal. But let's be honest here… I'm fucked.

The forest around is pretty generic. I mean it's a forest. What do you expect. It's got trees, and grass, and leaves, and bushes, and shrubs, and dirt, plenty of dirt. In fact I'm on a dirt path right now!

I think this path may be well traveled. There's plenty of faded foot and hoof prints in the dirt, so people on horses come through here. The trees aren't packed close together like they would be if this was… more natural? Untouched by man? Fuck! You know what I mean. No people around equals shoulder to shoulder trees. Least that's what I've read.

Really this place wouldn't look out of place as a city park. Save for the lack of cigerette buds on the ground or car noises in the distance or gum staining the ground. So either that means this place has a really great maintenance staff or more likely I wasn't in a civilized area. No, better term would be industrial, saying it's not civilized feels rude…. even though I'm not talking to anyone.

Great thought policing there citizen.

There's clouds in the sky, not that noteworthy except there wasn't any before. Sun was warmer as well, so I had to unzip my hoodie and I tied my jacket around my waist. There was a nice, gentle breeze, so I wasn't overheating. I think I'm taking this rather well, backed into a portal, got dumped into a forest and I haven't freaked out! Yet.

My feet were killing me, I was just walking for three hours straight. No breaks. I mean, what would I do? Sit on the grass and think stuff over? Hah! Nope. If I've already got momentum built up I'm not letting it go to waste, so that means I kept walking.

As a passed a bush I thought I heard a bubbling noise. I smartly kept going past it.

Oh wow, that is getting louder. Better check out what it is.
I looked over my shoulder and saw a puddle of blue slime ooze out from the bushes and onto the path, constantly bubbling and gurgling as it went. Leaving a thin trail of blue slime in its wake.

Well I'm sure that's completely normal… so normal in fact I'm just going to continue walking away from it.

So I guess this means I'm in some sort of fantasy word. Blue slimes are the weakest RGP enemy right? Never mind the fact I have no effective means of actually hurting it if it should catch up to me, but it won't.

I increased my walking speed and continued off down the path.

"Hello~"

Oh thank god! Another person! But why did it come from… behind me…

I looked over my shoulder again and…

"Oh fuck me."

"Okay!"

Flowing towards me at a disconcerting speed was not a regular slime or gelatinous cube or even a woman. No, it was a slime girl… yes that name says it all. It is a slime monster, except that it is in the shape of a young woman…

So monster girls…

I'm doomed.

"Stop running! I just want to love you!"

***

"How are you keeping up with me?!"

"My lust for you drives me forward! And you're fat!"

"I don't know you!"

"We can get to know each other later… physically!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Never! You're gonna get slimed and love it!"

***
I collapsed in a heap on the ground, leaning against a tree and panting heavily. My shirt was drenched in sweat, my hair was a matted mess and my glasses were fogging up from my body heat alone. I had lost that crazy slime girl. She was persistent, but… I don't really have anything else to say. She wouldn't fucking quit!

She almost got me a few times, as the slime stains on my jacket and jeans can attest to. I tried wiping it off but it only got stuck to my hand, and then I wiped my hand off on jeans. So everything is a sticky mess.

I also learned I fucking love adrenaline. God that is stuff great! I was running off and on again for over an hour. I wasn't even… tired… well until now.
Now I think… that I'm just going to take a quick nap. My eyes were feeling heavy and I was slowly nodding my head.

Man that took a lot out of me. Am I that out of shape?

The answer was yes.

I blinked a few times. One second it was still daytime, next the sun was setting.

Shit! I should… I should get up and keep walking, go find a nearby town or something.

Begrudgingly I pushed myself up. Blinking the sleep from my eyes I set back down the path, in the hopes of finding civilization soon.

 

[Fission Battery]

*****
Chapter 2 - Hello Village

Okay, so it turns out that trying to sleep walk through the night was a bad idea. I eventually had to stumble off the road and get some sleep under a different tree. I'd gambled with my life, again, by doing that, but I was too tired to carry on. What little sleep I got was wracked by nightmares, thirst and hunger. First time I've ever gone to sleep without eating or drinking anything.

It was worth it though, I woke up near sunrise feeling slightly refreshed. Enough that I could get walking without the threat of collapsing again. During the night I tried to remember what I knew about this setting. The major characters, factions, and the general outline of the plot. Surprisingly I think I remembered a lot from the game.

I didn't want to assume too much about where I was just based on meeting a slime girl, but some of the things she had said were very explicit as to where I was.

***
"This is because of Ilias isn't it?! It's not intercourse if it's slime!"

"How did you find me?!"

"Your delicious scent darling!"

"Leave me alone! Don't you have anything better to do?!"

"Nothing is better than you darling! If you want I can change for you! I'm a slime, we're remoldable!"

"How desperate are you?!"

"Very!"
***

The path I was on had started to widen into a proper dirt road, and I saw a sign that read "Ilias Village". That's a good sign.

Hehehe.

So I was nearly at the village now, close to good old civilization! The path looked increasingly well-traveled, and through the trees and leaves, I could make out the tips of buildings and farmland in the distance.

As I moved closer to the forest's edge I wondered what I was planning to do. I know I need to speak to Luka. He's the key figure to stopping Ilias and ultimately saving the world. No pressure.

So, what the fuck am I going to say to him? Oh hi I fell through a portal and know your entire life story, now listen to me if you want to live! Are you a bad enough dude to romance the Monster Lord?! Yeah! That will go over well.

Maybe play up the religious angle?

Yeah that could work. I'll just claim I got a vision from Ilias, standard "seek out this hero and help him defeat the Monster Lord" stuff. He'd believe that since he's got visions from her himself and then bam. I'm in!… God that feels manipulative saying that.

Thinking about trying to insert myself into his life to better pull the puppet strings as it were, just feels like I'm being a stalker… Eh it's for his good, the worlds good, but most importantly my own good. I can't leave it up to chance that he's going to save the world. I mean if I know that the world is being threatened I should do something about it. Even if that's pawning off all responsibility onto Luka.

I was passing by a fence post when I noticed a farmer tending to the field not too far away. I shouted to gain his attention and waved at him "Hello! Ah, over here!"

He looked up from his field and waved back.

I walked off the road to get closer to him.

I hoped my clothing wasn't too unusual. I don't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. What if the townsfolk start mocking me behind my back! Unusual? More like ridiculous! They're going see the slime stains! The rumors!

Wait, stop that train of thought, it's just going to throw me off.

"Sorry to be a bother, but I've been lost for the last couple days and need some directions. Could you offer me some assistance?" I asked him.
"Sure, no problem. What are you looking for?"

"Ah well, I was just wondering if this is indeed Ilias Village. I'd gotten all mixed up on the way over here, so I don't know which way is which."

He nodded. "Eyup, happens to the best of us. Probably some monster working her vile magic to get ya lost in them woods. Good thing you ran into my though, been living here my whole life. Know these woods like the back of my hand." To demonstrate he lifted up his hand.

And it was then speared by an arrow.

"Jesus Christ! The fuck?!"

The farmer for his part was calm. "Sweet Ilias, those elves are attacking again. Best start running boy, lest they catch ya." With that he ran off with an arrow in his hand, blood trailing on the ground behind him.

"Again! What?!"

Now a smart person would have ran off with the farmer, maybe followed him to the safety of other people. I on the other hand, looked around like an idiot, too confused to process what was going on.

A few arrows shot into the ground near my feet, making me jump is surprise.

"Don't move!" A woman's voice called out.

I turned to see where it was coming from. At the edge of the farmers field was a broken down fence separating the field from the forest I had just wandered out of.

Jumping the fence was two dark elves with bows. I could tell they were dark elves because of the bright, platinum hair, and well, their dark brown skin. It's a dead give away, really.

"You shot the wrong one!" One elf berated the other.

"It doesn't matter we scared him off! Now get the fat one!"

Shit! Are they talking about me?! Of course they are! Who else is here!

They were half jogging, half running towards me. Closing the distance between us too quickly for my liking. I turned away from them and finally started running, going in the same direction I saw the farmer go. I felt a pairs of hands tried and fail to grasp the back of my jacket.

Too close!

"The fuck is going on?!" I yelled out in confused frustration. Really shouldn't have done that though, man I was out of shape. Running for only ten seconds and I'm already getting out of breath.

This was going end pathetically for me, I just know it.

"A marriage proposal! Sunny, bring him down!"

"The arm or leg?"

"The arm! I don't want to carry him!"

As I kept going the sound of the elves boots on the ground stopped. For a brief moment I fooled myself into thinking they had given up, and then I realized what they had just said. They aren't really going to shoot me-

They shot me!

"The hell?!"

And now I'm one the ground, clutching the arrow sticking out of my left arm!

Ow that hurts! Seriously, you would not believe the pain I'm in! I don't think I would have been able to keep running like that crazy farmer. The pain and shock was too distracting for me. Did I mention I'm kind of a pussy, never been in a fight before and I bruise like a ripe orange.

I noticed two shadows on the ground next to me and felt a boot press down on my back.

I glanced up to get a look at them. They looked… just like normal women, save for those big anime, pointed elf ears. You know the ones that stick out to the side. Clothing was a green tunic and skirt. The only difference between them was the one that had her boot on my back had green eyes and the other one holding her bow had golden, yellowish eyes.

Through clenched teeth I said. "Lovely weather we're having. Think I might bother you to get this arrow out of my arm? Seeing as you put it there in the first place!"

"Quit crying, it doesn't hurt that much." Green eyes said. "Sunny tie him up." Oh the golden eye one is Sunny, that's cute.

"Uh sure, but should I remove the arrow first?"

"Well obviously… no, maybe? We removed it when we shot those deer."

"Yeah, and without the arrow blocking the wound they bleed out. We want him alive after all."

"Huh, yeah but you remember that Mom said not to leave the arrow in, it can cause long term damage to the body. A crippled man would be worthless."

"Okay," Sunny looked down at me. "This is going to hurt, so uh, sorry."

Oh please say she isn't going to? I was just joking about that!

Fuck!

She did!

She pulled the arrow clean out, and now I'm listing off every swear I know.

They gave me a few moments to calm down, before my arms were roughly grabbed and pulled behind my back. I felt my wrist being loosely bound together by rope. Great, been here two days and already caught by monster girls. "Is this really necessary?! Aren't we are all rational people here?!"

I was pulled up by my shoulders to a standing position by the two elves. They were stronger than they looked, and short than I thought. They didn't come up to my shoulders.

"We were being 'rational'. We told you not to move."

"Why, did you run? Scared by two pretty girls running at you~?" Sunny asked.

"You startled me."

"We startled you?"

"Yes. You, startled me."

"Aw, we're sorry, but don't worry. We've got all the time in the world to make up for it~." Green eyes said sarcastically.

"Or, or, hear me out. You let me go, and…"

"And?" She motioned for me to continue.

"… Give me a moment. I'm still trying to get my wits about. You did just shoot me."

She gave me a flat look. "Get walking." With that both of them started to shove me towards the forest.

Whelp, I'm a goner.

It was a good run. A short run, but…. No, I suck. Caught by elves, the most boring monster girls ever, and I still have a gaping wound in my arm. I should have taken that slime up on her offers, at least that would have been a unique experience. But elves, all they had were those ears.

With all the possibilities in the world, why elves?

"We did it, we did it, we did it! Sis we finally caught one!" Sunny excitedly exclaimed.

"Yes! We can hopefully pay off that bounty… "

"What are you two talking about?" I asked them. Man, whatever this is about really has them excited… Why can't I feel my arm?

"N-nothing! Foolish man! We've got you ensnared in our trap. Right Sunny?"

"Yeah-h, yes!"

"That's great but, my arm has gone numb… I think I need serious medical attention."

There's a hole in my arm, my shirt, and my hoodie. All of three of which are being stained by fresh blood, my own blood might I add, and I'm feeling more and more lightheaded. Taking a second to process that.

"It's not like the Harpy Queen put a bounty on us for trying to steal her village's men."

"That man was rightfully ours! We stole him from the bees first!" Sunny interjected.

"And it's not like we're taking you her as tribute in the vain hope that she won't imprison us."

My whole body was going numb now. That was not a good sign. I slurred out a mumble for help.

"Good, that toxin is working now."

I fell over, face first into the ground.

"Sunny, you used the knockout one right?" Sis asked. Yes that's what I'm calling her. In no position to ask for her real name at the moment.

"Of course, it's the one from the red bottle."

"No… that's the heart stopping one. The knockout is in the maroon bottle."

"…"

"Quick feed him the antidote!"

My face was roughly grabbed and bottle was shoved into my mouth. A vile tasting liquid was poured in, which I promptly threw up.

"Sis! I think we screwed up! We should've just served the jail time with the harpies."

"Sunny!"

"They have those soft down feathers,"

"Sunny!"

"And those little baby chicks loved us,"

"Sunny!"

"And now he's going to die!"

"Sunny! Shut up!" I heard a loud slap. "Everything is going to be fine! He is fine." She pulled me up from the ground, again. "See! Standing up right!"

It was at that moment the metaphorical cavalry arrived. We heard the wild shouting first, and I was turned to see who was coming to get me out of here.
On the dirt road I could make out a small figure waving a sword wildly over his head with a big red cloak billowing in the wind. And I think I could see his hair color, it was… purple.

It was Luka, and only Luka- Oh wait, there's an angry mob of farmers armed with pitchforks trailing behind him. Vision blacked out there for a moment. Couldn't see them.

Great! I'm recused!

"The humans are onto us Sis! What do we do?"

"Cut loose the bastard and run Sunny! Run!"

"Are you sure?! Can't we carry him-"

"Yes!"

They panicked and acted in a way I had really hoped they wouldn't. They stabbed me in the back… multiple times, and left the dagger in there.

Killed by the most amateurish kidnappers ever.

On the plus side though I think Sunny was against that, I saw golden eyes looking worried for me… or that was worried about the angry mob.

So there I was, back to being face down on the ground. Again. I wish I had blacked out from blood loss or from the poison, but I was still conscious. I even heard Luka ask me something, he shook me a little to see if I was alive. So I yelled in pain some more.

The welcome to this place sucks.

 

[Fission Battery]

*****
Chapter 3 - Recovery

Okay! Some good news, I am not dead.

***
"Luka, grab the hard liquor!"

"R-right!"

"Clamp down on this buddy! We don't need you biting your tongue off because this is gonna hurt you, a lot."
***

Bad news, I am in a tremendous amount of pain.

***
"The skin on his back has started to turn black."

"What can we do?"

"Luka, run to the Temple, find the priest, and bring him here!"

"Ah – Okay!"

"And remember one thing while you're at it. Pray for him Luka, he's going to need it."
***

Surgery was a bit touch and go there, well what qualifies as surgery around here anyway, but I think I'm going to make a full recovery!

***
"Dear Ilias, who art thou Lord of Heaven, sacred be thy name…"
***

That's right. I'm going to be just fine…

You buy that?

Yeah me neither.

I was lying down in bed, trying to get some rest.

I'm pretty sure I was in Luka's house. Nobody loudly said "here's Luka's house!" to me, just dumped me in a bed. Though he is the only person I consistently see here, and he brings me food and water… and helps me up to the washroom.

I shifted my head on my pillow.

The bed was not comfortable at all, but it's better than what I had in the forest, i.e. nothing. It's to be suspected, no modern mattresses after all. The bed's just… I don't know, cloth and stuffing.

I'm dying here. The intricacies of medieval mattress manufacturing are one of the last things on my mind. Okay not dying, but it feels like it.
Sometimes it felt like I was just laying here drifting in and out of consciousness for days one end.

So, I'm trying to stay positive… uh, I'm covered in comfy pillows and blankets. It's like my own private pillow fort!

Okay what else?

Oh, the chamber pot isn't that bad….

Though it is demeaning to have a guy that just barely comes up to my chest help me out of bed and walk me to the washroom. Luka is freakishly small. More than four feet tall, but less than five feet tall, maybe little old lady size? I don't know! He's a real life shota! I'm just guesstimating here!

The time's I've gotten the chance I've been scrubbing my hands raw with hot water and soap. I've also only been drinking boiled water and eating soup or oatmeal. I may have survived being stabbed in the back, with no signs of an infection so far, but I don't want to be done in by a cup of bad water.

What was strange about my surgery is that the doctor knew proper sanitation and surgical procedure. I might not be giving much credit to the guy, so I asked Luka about it. He said Ilias appeared in front of everyone in the room and gave instructions on how to save my life.

Yay.

I'm interesting to a mad, genocidal goddess.

No, I'm not joking.

I'm only alive right now because of literal divine intervention.

I was worried about that causing some big stir, but she comes down to the village's Temple in person every year like clockwork, so it's not as miraculous as it sounds.

While I was laying here I've had nothing but time to go over what I knew, again. I would try reading, but I'm still too tired to.

"Let's see here, what do I remember?"

Okay, the big players, contrary to what Ilias claims she is not the goddess that created the world. In fact nobody did, she stumbled upon it or was born long after it's formation. Nobody made humans either, they were already alive by the time Ilias and the First arrived or were born. Although I'm pretty sure the First is the one that created that Critical Ecstasy bullshit thing in humans, only one with the motive and the means to do it, or maybe Ilias did.

So Ilias is really just a jumped up "light" elemental. Wouldn't say that to her face, she has some major mental issues and would take it very personally.

Then about a thousand years ago she got into a massive war with the First Monster Lord, who was the jumped up "dark" elemental. Ilias started it in part because she spent millions of years roaming the world alone and couldn't create life effortlessly like the First. Thus she got jealous and things deteriorated from there. Another thing, light can't created life, so much as influence thoughts and behaviour. Well it can create life, angels are nothing of pure light energy, but point is Ilias had only herself for millions of years.

Coincidentally Luka's mother is- was Lucifina who was one of the first angels created, she held the rank of Eden or Seraphim I think, thus technically making Ilias Luka's grandmother in some sense of the word.

"All one big messed up family tree." I mumbled to myself.

As the war progressed it almost destroyed the planet from all the energy the combatants were releasing, or something like that. The First realized this, didn't want the world to end, and tried to make a ceasefire with Ilias. Ilias did a "if I can't have it no one can", and the First relented.

Ilias then forced the First and her 'daughters', the Six Ancestors, into a seal that draws power from their own power, making it impossible for them to break free. Any attempt to just makes it stronger. But a failsafe was built in to prevent Ilias from completing her genocide of all monsters. Killing enough monster would release enough dark energy into the world that would allow the First to overpower her seal, then fight Ilias, and make more monsters. Although now Ilias believes she's created a suitable work around for that.

The Six Ancestors being the first monsters created by the First, and thus all monsters in existence are descended from them, except for the Monster Lord family line who comes from the First.

"What do I know about them?"

I only know about two of them. One was the original succubus, Whore of Babylon or something to that effect… I think. That's probably a title she got, not a name. She's only noted for going against the First in general because she wanted to eat and fuck everyone to death. Sounds right for the original succubus. The other one was a nine tailed kitsune named-

I snapped my fingers. "Right! Tamamo!"

Tamamo is one of the Six Ancestors and was there to see this all go down… hmmm, and Luka runs into her at that ocean cliff face, cave, shrine, place.
A very stupid plan was forming in my delirious head. I could tag along with Luka on his quest, get to that cave, speak to Tamamo, and then BOOM! Make a better plan to save the world with her!

Okay it's not that easy, but I've got to start somewhere and that's assuming anything is even close to canon. I don't want to assume too much, but if the threat of a world ending genocide is a possibility, better safe than sorry. I want as many people onboard as possible to prevent that.

It may seem silly to base my whole plan on the off chance of running into Tamamo, but she's a nine tailed kitsune who can get into a fist fight with Ilias and walk away unscathed… And that's in her sealed loli form, not even at full strength.

She's really the best bet I have.

"Operation Touch Fluffy Tails is a go! You onboard Luka?"

"What are you talking about?"

"My deranged imagination! Now give me those painkillers!"

Even if we don't directly run into Tamamo, there's hopefully plenty of other chances to get into contact with her.

Again assuming anything in this world I run into resembles the canon of that visual novel hentai game. Though at this point assuming is all I got.

***

So I have confirmed it. I am indeed living with Luka, he's a nice enough lad. Gave me a spare room and bed after the surgery, apparently Ilias had suggested it to him. She said it would be fitting for a hero like him to lend me help, which he obviously did.

Yes, she did physically descend from Heaven into the room, and then spoke to them all.

Also yes, from the glimpses I got between blacking out from the pain and then the drugs, she is hot. Very hot…

What?

I got my priorities.

I should be more disturbed or worried by that, but drugs!

Sure they're not as good as real drugs, but damn if these guys don't know what they're doing!

I may have been living at his house for a while, but most of the time it was me lying in bed trying not to reopen my wounds, and him going about usual schedule. Not much interaction between us. I guess today's as good a time as any to chat with Luka.

I decided to wait till noon, when he entered my room with a bowl of soup. I straightened up in the bed before speaking.

"SO! Luka, how are you?"

"Good. Is your back acting up?"

"Nah, it's fine. I had just realized I haven't thanked you for all your help. So, thank you."

"Oh, don't worry about that, it would be unheroic not to help you. After all you were stabbed… repeatedly. Though most people would die from that."

"Yes! That's why I'm thanking you now! I am going to live! If I thought I was dying then I'd be cursing you for not doing enough to save me!"

"Wha-"

"But enough about me! I want to know more about you. You keep mentioning heroes, do you plan to become one?"

"Yes!" He said with re-found confidence. "I plan to become a hero and defeat the Monster Lord."

"Thus bringing peace to the world, how very noble of you. But I was just curious about something, if you don't mind me asking."

"Go ahead." He nodded.

"If you defeat the Monster Lord, that'll bring peace to the entire world, but that also includes monsters. Who will then coexist with humans, like what happened five hundred years ago. That seems like something you wouldn't want, does it? In fact Ilias may take issue with that."

He started to fidget. "Uh, sure I'd like to stop monsters from fighting with humans and- "

"Because that's what I want! Peace between monsters and humans! Won't be easy, but I think it's a worthy goal." I say exactly what I need to say to draw his attention.

Yeah, I pulled those puppet strings like a sociopath. I'm not exactly lying, peace is the best option for everyone, but I can't help but feel like a manipulative bastards towards him. I figure it's best to keep what I really think to myself for the time being.

"Why would you tell me that!? I agree with you but what if I didn't!? The people here hate monsters!"

"I'm high on drugs and life Luka! I can say whatever I want!"

***

It's kind of funny. I had worried about how to insert myself into his life- No! There's nothing strange about that! It's completely normal! The world is at stake here!
Anyway, it just happened. Weird, but I guess almost dying is as good a bonding opportunity as any, and divine intervention. We didn't talk that much. He'd just check up on me every now and again. Brought the doctor to check up on how I was healing once, but other than that not much.

By the way, can not stress that enough. An elemental goddess descended from heaven to instruct them on how to heal me. A giant target has been painted on my back. I can only hope Ilias doesn't feel like taking a shot at it before I get a chance to try to stop her whole world wide genocide plan.
In my defense though, on the not speaking with him thing, I did literally spend days on end sleeping. Doing nothing other than sleep, and when I was awake demanding boiled water to stay hydrated.

I did manage to get my hands on some writing supplies. I had accidentally left a few pens, pencils, erasers, and a sharpener in my jacket pocket, probably left them in there after an exam. I must have forgotten to put them back in my binder, hehe, works for me.

I wanted to write down what I knew, to better formalized my thoughts, but decided against that. I had considered just giving Luka a bunch of letters and having him pass it on to the relevant people he's going to meet, but there's too much risk there. Him playing mailman is out and I can't tell him anything without the risk of Ilias finding out, so that leaves me to travel with him till we run into more qualified people.

So I just scribbled unimportant stuff down and doodles, trying to burn time.

Turns out literacy is rare here so that's an advantage I have. And yes they have the English alphabet with modernish grammatical rules, so no Elizabethan style dialogue I need to constantly translate…

I fucking lucked out there! Imagine if they didn't! I wouldn't have anything to read!

Unfortunately, there wasn't too many highlights during that time.

***
"Are you okay? Why are you crying?"

"I'm going to miss new episodes of Gravity Falls!"

"Uh sure, if you say so."
***

Really it's just awkward living here…. dying here… recovering? I don't know! Pain and drugs and sleeping for days on end throw me off!

You're lucky I'm making any kind of coherent sense!

Just, one day I just got out of bed, left my room, walked to the kitchen, and took a seat at the table. Luka was sitting there eating a bowl of oatmeal.

"Can I have some?" I pointed to his bowl.

"Of course." He got up to get me a bowl. "How are you feeling?"

"Better… How long was I in there?" I jerked my thumb to the room down the hallway.

He placed the bowl in front of me and sat back down. "For under a month."

"A month? Really that long?"

"Yes, a month. You were stabbed in the back and poisoned. That doesn't heal quickly."

"Huh, I'm more surprised that I'm not dead, or that my heart or lungs weren't stabbed."

"Well you're only alive right now because Ilias blessed you by saving your life."

"Thank her for that!" I nodded in agreement. "That does bring me to why I was coming here in the first place, the village that is. I got distracted, what with the attempt on my life and all, then recovering."

"What is it?"

"I came here seeking you! I had received a vision from Ilias, instructing me to come to this village to find a young hero in training named Luka. She told me to help you on your quest to defeat the Monster Lord."

"She did!?"

"Yes! That is why I am here! That brings me to another point…"

"…"

"You don't mind if I join you on your quest? Right? I didn't want to presume- "

"Of course you can! It's the will of Ilias!"

Yep, I feel like an ass for doing that… but, fate of the world and all that. Ilias intervening to save me helps build credibility to my story. My thinking being if she wanted me dead or not able to interact with Luka at all she would've just let me die.

"Can you also put on pants?" He asked me.

"Would if I could, but don't know where they are." I ate a spoonful of oatmeal. Hmm, not half bad, needs more sugar though.

"They were folded on the bed, stacked on your other clothes."

"Too early for me too care."

***

I don't like it here.

Not one bit.

I miss running water or at least having access to clean water. Here I only drink water that I personally boiled beforehand, or alcohol. I've taken a liking to the local gin.

What else?

I got a dagger as a present. It was the one the elves stabbed me with, and now it was mine. Sold it off to the local smith, worth a lot of money.

***
"Look at the craftsmanship! The engravings, the flowing lines, the light weight, and even that shine! I'd say this is the genuine article! A real piece of elven smithery! Don't see too much of that these days, not enough travellers or heroes coming to the village."

"They usually brought product like that?" I motioned to the dagger in his hand.

"Yes they did! Use to be that every year dozens of heroes would march through that forest to come to the village Temple to be baptized. On their way here they may encounter hordes of frightening elves and other monsters! Made into a sort of right of passage! Weren't truly a hero till you had an elven dagger."

For some reason I feel that story may not be true to life. Given there's a fallen angel, and dark elf monster village a ways west from here that openingly trades with Iliasburg, relations may be more cordial than he'd like to acknowledge. "When did they stop coming?"

"Huh, tough to say. I haven't been keeping track of the exact years myself, but I know no one's shown up this year to be baptized, save for Luka. He's doesn't count though, lived here his whole life." He shrugged his shoulders. "Just one year there was less and less people coming here. Which is why this dagger is such a rarity now. I'll be willing to give you a fair price for it. By the way, where did you get it?"

"I was stabbed with it and left for dead…"

"Ohhhh…"

"Yeah… I'm not really fond of the idea of keeping it around."

"Wait? If it ain't yours, then how did some bandits get their hands on this? They're too weak to fight elves for it and too stupid to steal from them."

"Bandits? What bandits?" Who the hell is he referring to?

"What bandits? What do you mean 'what bandits'?!"

"I mean, what bandits?" I wasn't attacked by bandits, technically, I think. Didn't mentally label them as that.

"Wha- The men who stabbed you!"

"Oh those! Those were elves! Confused me there for a second!"

"What!?"

"Dark elves specifically."

"And we ready to go fight them?! By Ilias!" He quickly got on his knees, uttering prayers.

"Uh, clue me in here. What's the issue?" He must have been part of that mob.

He didn't answer immediately, instead continuing to pray for a few moments longer. "Amen." He straightened himself up. "The issue is we, folks like me, aren't meant to fight monsters! That's a heroes job! Not cause we're cowards or lazy, but monsters are far too dangerous for regular folks to handle."

Considering all you did was run up a dirt road with twenty other people against two elves, I don't think you were in danger. You could have literally mobbed them. "So what are you saying? If you had know it was elves you wouldn't have come to save me?"

"UM… well, you see.. it's like this, but yet… that."

"Wow! Buddy, you are losing a customer here, but! I am a forgiving man. So why don't we discuss a much higher buying price of my elven dagger?"
***
Seriously, a lot of money. Luka had saved up barely five hundred gold for his journey… I sold that dagger for three hundred and fifty gold.

Thank you elven craftsmanship!

When word got around that I was up and about I received a visit from the local priest. He had heard from Luka that I was literate, and being that "Ilias had chosen me to aid him in his quest", he saw it fit to offer me a job at the Temple. Not a position in the official church, just a job.

I ended up being a clerk in the Temple, came with a free set of robes and holy book. It was more bureaucratic than the priest made it out to be, and I was placed in the back… away from all the people.

***
"Thank you for offering me this job, uhhh…"

"Father will suffice."

"If you say so Father. So I was curious as to what I am actually supposed to do here." Motioning to the decayed desk in front of us, littered with crumpled pieces of parchment and dusty books.

"Oh yes, I'm sure you would be! I need you to work in the back room down here in the basement as a clerk."

"Okay, and what will I be doing as a clerk? I need more instructions than that." I glanced at the book selection on a nearby shelf, all of them were about Ilias.

"Why, you'll be doing your duties in Ilias Temple! It's a very prestigious job, one worthy of yourself!"

"What do you mean by that? I only got here recently and haven't done anything other than be stabbed. Nothing prestigious about that."

He clapped his hands down on my shoulders. "Why my son, you've been blessed by Ilias! Being favored by her isn't something that should go to waste or be treated as a trivial matter."

"Okay."

"Even though I've been working here for over twenty years I've never so much as got a vision from her! None whatsoever! When she comes down here to baptize the heroes, you think she could spare some wisdom for a devout follower of hers'? No! But you!" He gripped my shoulders harder. "One day here and she descends from Heaven to heal you herself!" His hands started shaking.

"Uh well that's all fine and good Father but-"

"Yes it is!" He released my shoulders, spun on his heel and walked towards the door.

"What exactly am I suppose to do? You never answered that question."

"You'll do fine!" He waved without turning back and walked out the door, then slamming it shut.

"I guess I'll… figure out my clerical duties from here." I mentally shrugged. "Doesn't seem like he really cares what I do."
***

I got the feeling he didn't like me, but that was okay. I didn't like him either. I didn't bother remembering his name. To me he's always going to be "that priest from Ilias Temple". I got around fine by calling him sir or father or shit like that.

Should I have cared more? Maybe!

Should I not have stolen money and supplies from the Temple in preparation for the quest? Possibly!

Should I have returned all those books and tomes of knowledge I borrowed from the Temple library before going? Perhaps!

But all of that was completely necessary… because I was really bored and wanted luxuries.

So bored in fact I took up exercise. Plus everyone pointed out how pathetic I was physically and that I was currently dead weight to Luka's quest.

Now let me be clear here, I hate exercise, plain and simple. I avoided it at all cost and always tried find something better to do with my time.

Unfortunately I don't have anything better to do.

No internet, no computer, no television, and no music! Just no electricity and everything that entails!

There's the lack of mass produced books available to read. I also lack any easy to use light source, again no electricity, so I'm forced to read during daylight hours. My sleeping cycle is now defined by dawn and dusk, instead of the time on a clock. I could try to read during the night, but candles are a horrible source of light, plus that damages your eyes I think.

So what am I forced to do?

Exercise.

So the days fell into this routine of me waking up first in the morning, making oatmeal and boiling water for Luka and myself. He insisted on tea, but I'll be damned if I have to drink the stuff. Then doing our morning exercise routine, no, I'm not listing out every single little activity we did. That'd be tedious. Got chewed out for trying to slack off a few times. Go to the Temple, get annoying comments about my how awful I smelt. Not my fault they don't have deodorant. I'd sit in "my office" in back, burn time for a few hours, and go back"home" for the night. Repeat ad nauseum.

In the evenings I made my own preparations for how I was going to survive this. Mostly it made use of an old alchemy book Luka had laying around. It reminded me of my old highschool chemistry book, but with more exotic materials and rituals. Several of which were "squick" and "oh god why would you ever use that, my eyes have been tainted by this horror" worthy.

I had decided on saving my money until we reached Iliasburg, the village was unfortunately lacking in the supplies and services that I needed.

Over time I ended up doing most of the chores around the house, making meals, cleaning dishes, sweeping the floor, chopping firewood, etc. Luka appreciated that because it gave him more time to practice his swordplay and fighting skills. I hope he used that time effectively.

He once caught me singing while I was working, that was embarrassing.

***
"I go out to work on Monday morning
Tuesday I go off to honeymoon
I'll be back again before it's time for sunny-down,
I'll be lazing on a Sunday afternoon!
Bicycling on every Wednesday evening
Thursday I go waltzing to the zoo!
I come from London Town, I'm just an ordinary guy
Fridays I go painting in the louvre!
I'm bound to be proposing on a Saturday night
I'll be lazing on a Sunday,
Lazing on a Sunday,
Lazing on a Sunday afternoon!"

"Hey-"

"BAH!! Luka! Hehe… You snuck up on me there."

"Uh, sorry. What are you doing?"

"Obviously I was singing while cleaning the dishes."

"Sure, but why singing?"

"Well I can't be whistling while I work now can I."

"Why not?"

"I haven't figured out the whistling part yet."
***

Three weeks!

I had to live here for three weeks until the day of Luka's baptism came.

It was a very annoying three weeks, putting up with that priest wasn't fun.

I didn't bother to socialise further with many of the locals, save for one or two of them. They had connections that I could use later.

Luka and I had also worked out the details on how I was going to help him on his quest, our quest technically. He would do all of the real fighting and I was going to be the support. If a monster defeated him, I'd drag him to safety. He'd carry his own supplies, but I'd be carry a massive backpack filled with my own stuff and extra supplies.

I'm basically the companion.

***

I knew today was going to be the day. I had been looking forward to leaving this village and getting started on this quest since I got here. To officially start on our quest to save the world from a mad genocidal goddess, I cannot stress that enough.

Also, maybe try to hook up with a monster or two while I'm at it. Who knows? There's bound to be friendly ones out there.

The day started unlike any other. Mostly because everyone in the village was screaming about a monster, and running to go hide in their homes.

Luka came rushing into the kitchen half dressed, pulling a shirt on as he spoke. "What's going on?! I heard Hans outside yelling about a monster attack!"

"Hans? He's the lumberjack, right? Is he okay?"

"Uh yes, why does that-" He shook his head. "What's going on?!"

"A monster came into the village, everyone is freaking out."

"Then why are you sitting there?!"

"I sat down to eat my breakfast, monsters or not, I'm not leaving this chair till I'm finished." I took a bite of my oatmeal.

"Fine! I'm going out there to help!" He finished throwing on his clothes and ran out the door.

I watched out the window as I continued eating, Luka was making slow progress running against the crowd of people. That neighbour lady, Betty, tried to stop him, but he kept going. He took long enough that I was finished eating by the time the crowd dispersed.

I had already gotten dressed for this event when I got up earlier. I dropped my bowl on the counter to clean later and before walking out the door, I checked in a shelf to make sure of a surprise I had prepared for Luka… and for a certain Monster Lord if she shows up.

If not, then what I suspect about canon is thrown out and I wing it.

God, I hope I don't need to wing it.

A few minutes of light jogging and I had reached the edge of the village where Luka was facing off against a monster.

"Darling! I knew I'd find you again one day! Come here and let me slime you!"

The monster being that clingy blue slime girl I met on my first day.

"Oh bugger."

 

[Jaertin]

Preliminary like barrage deployed!

Nice to see this here, I would hate for it to be lost if one of the SB/V mods was in a puritan mood.

 

[Fission Battery]

Chapter 4 - Goodbye Village

"Oh darling! I never knew you were into that! But if it pleases you I'd gladly-"

"No, stop. Stop talking." I held back the urge to sigh. She is very annoying to deal with.

Luka looked at me. "You know her?!"

"Of course he does! He's my-" I cut her off.

"No, I was stalked by her on my way here. She's just a slime girl."

"Aww, why do you hurt me, my darling?"

I motioned for him to go on. "Well, go on Luka, don't let me interrupt you. It's best to just pretend I'm not here. She can't focus on me if you're hitting her with your sword… and no, that isn't a euphemism."

"Okay…" He turned back to the slime girl. "Uh, you're pretty close to the village, and you're scaring everyone. If you don't mean them any harm, do you think you could turn back?"

"I could, but only if you give my darling back to me~."

"No, not happening. Luka hit her, hit her now."

He stepped forward to swing his sword at her. "LUKA ATTACK!" She easily moved out of the way of his slow attack. That didn't really say anything about the slime girl's fighting skills, only Luka's lack thereof.

It really was a pathetic attack, really pathetic… like, fat kid with a plastic lightsaber level of skill. "Luka… what have you been doing with your time? You said you were practicing."

"I am! That was just a… fluke! I'll hit her next time!" He sounded confident, it didn't last.

"Wow! You suck at this! Oh! Am I your first~?" The grin on her face grew.

"Wha-"

"I am! I'm the first monster you've seen! Awww, there's no need to be shy. I'll show you a good time~." The slim girl moved closer to Luka, where slime start to ooze onto his boots.

He swung at her again while shouting. "LUKA ATTACK!" He missed again, and the slime had made it up to his knees. "Gah!"

"Luka, just move! Stop standing in one spot! You've got legs! Use them!" I shouted at him. Under a minute in and he was losing. "No! Don't grapple with her! She's a slime! She'll suck you into herself and then suck on you! And yes that one is a euphemism."

He stopped trying to grab her and took my advice to heart. He pulled himself out of the slime girl's grip and took a few steps back, creating some distance between the two of them.

"If big attacks aren't working, then maybe a smaller attack will." He mumbled to himself. He swung at her again. "LUKA - small - ATTACK!"

He hit her that time! It had left a large gash on the slime's body… that quickly closed back up.

"How!?"

"I'm a slime, swords do nothing to me."

"N-no way."

"Yep! I'll beat you then I'll get my darling back… maybe I'll take you as well~."

"No, I'm not going anywhere with you. You can't make me. I don't even know you, and if I did, why would I? Where do you live? Where would I live if I went with you? Out in the woods? And then what?" I interjected. "Where do you get your food? Your water?"

"Meaningless questions! We only need our love!" She shouted in response. She then lashed out at Luka with a small slime tentacle, catching him off guard and striking him in his gut.

Luka was pushed back, the strike leaving a blue stain on the front of his pants… which then slid right off.

"What?! That isn't fair! How did could this happen?!"

"My slime is an excellent lubricant! Not just for lovers but also for clothing!" Nobody needed to hear that! Just lose already! "Your clothes couldn't help but slide right off."

"You forgot to put on a belt… didn't you Luka? The one thing keeping you from becoming indecent and you forgot it." I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "This… this is my life now."

Luka recovered faster than I thought he would. He pulled up his pants with one hand and flailed his sword wildly at her with the other, striking her multiple times.

The slashes on the slime girl sluggishly start to close, before stopping halfway. "Ow! That hurt!"

He flailed wildly at her again, doing more damage to her body. Again the slime's body was covered in deep slashes and cuts, but only some of them closed up.

I did put some distance between Luka and myself… and maybe a tree as well. I was worried that I'd be hit by him while he was flailing around like an idiot.

"Ow! Fine! I'll go you big meanie." She looked at me. "My darling, wait for me."

"No, goodbye."

With that she oozed back into the forest.

"I did it… I beat my first monster!" Luka was shaking slightly.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw something.

"That's great Luka, but just a sec."

I took a glance towards the sky, since something shiny had caught my attention.

Way off in the distance were two tiny specks of light, one moving towards the village and the other racing in on an intercept.

Ah, I think the women of the hour have arrived! So Ilias doesn't just appear in the Temple, she flies down to it. Interesting, I wonder why. Maybe it's a display of power? She likes the presentation?

The two lights quickly collided and- Holy shit! I can see the shockwave from here!

The first light- fuck it, it's Ilias. Second one is probably Alice.

Ilias was sent flying off and before she could reorient herself she was struck again, producing another shockwave. Ilias quickly recovered from that and flew around Alice. She then struck Alice and sent her flying towards the ground, the strike sending more shockwaves rippling out.

The fight started and finished in barely ten seconds.

"Wow… that looks like it's coming this way… fuck… wait, it isn't." Thankfully I had guessed the trajectory wrong.

She smashed through the nearby forest canopy. The resulting crash made the ground shake, nearly throwing me off my feet.

I took a moment to regain my footing, then I looked back at Luka. He was still panting heavily from the fight; it must've taken a lot out of him. "Hey Luka, I'm going to go check that out, you coming?"

He didn't respond, instead he just nodded and we started off.

***

We travelled deeper into the forest, and after pushing through more trees we found what had caused the crash.

It was her, Alice… the current Monster Lord.

There was no mistaking it. She has a very distinct look.

She had pointed ears like other monsters and lavender colored skin, with large tattoos running down her left side. A strange gem in the shape of a vertical eye sat in the center of her chest. Very long, white hair with pink flowers in it and strangely shaped purple horns that curved out from the back of her head.

Her clothing was also distinct as well. Black gloves that ran up past her elbows, a skirt that looked like it was made out of giant black scales, and a cloth collar that barely qualified as a "top". All of which was covered with gold bars around her waist and under her chest, and vertical eye decorations.

Oh and the lower half of her body is a fifteen foot long, red scaled snake tail! Kinda hard to miss that part of her!

All in all she looked weird, but very exotic. She's also the first real monster I've seen… the slime doesn't count… neither do the elves. They're just like humans only with pointy anime ears.

"Uh… Miss Monster, are you dead?" Luka awkwardly asked. She didn't respond.

HAH! I suppressed the urge to laugh. Oh I needed that Luka, thanks!

I crouched near her to check if she actually was alive. "I don't think she is Luka, look at her chest, not like that. It's still moving up and down, so she's breathing."


I glanced around the clearing she made. "I don't see any blood on the ground or bruises on her for that matter. Hopefully there isn't any internal bleeding or wounds, those would be very difficult to treat. Seeing as we don't have the means to treat those anyway."

"Um… okay, what should we do?" He nervously asked.

"Wait here for her to wake up and make sure she's alright. You don't just leave an unconscious person alone in the forest, that's poor form." I gently shook her shoulder. "Ma'am, can you hear me? Are you okay?"

"But, it's almost noon… I'll miss the baptism if I do."

"Luka, you can wait." I looked back up at him.

"It's once in lifetime… I, can't." He turned around.

"Luka seriously?!"

"It- it's okay, you're watching over her!" With that he ran off through the forest.

…

…

…

He just… he just ran off…

…

Thad idiot left her lying there… oh my God…

Oh my God!!!

I don't want to sound gamey, but only fucking shit! He just triggered the death flag!

If I don't do anything right now he's dead! And I'm dead! And the Monster Lord will kill all humans! And the whole world will be destroyed in a massive war between monster and angels! And…

Dammit!

Salvage the situation! Now!

I kept doing what I was doing, while ignoring the growing sense of dread in my gut. "Ma'am, are you okay?" Her eyes opened up. "Take it easy, you've had quite the fall. You don't want to get up too quickly, since-" She slithered into an upright position. "You don't want to get lightheaded."

She was staring very intently at my face. "Where am I?" She asked rather bluntly, ignoring what I had just been saying.

"A little ways outside of Ilias Village." No need to antagonize her by lying.

"I was blown to such a place… That damn girl… what crazy strength she has."

"Alright then-"

"Anyway, who was that boy?"

"Oh… that was Luka. He's a local hero apprentice." I think I know what to say to grab her attention. I need her onboard with this journey. Otherwise Luka and I are doomed.

"An apprentice, he hasn't been baptized yet? That explains the delicious smell." She made a showing of licking her lips with a loud smack. No, that's not unnerving at all. "Why did he run away?"

"He uh… had a baptism to go to. He's been looking forward to it for ages. It should be happening right." I slowly start to back away, playing up my nervousness to further draw her attention. "In fact, I think I should be attending it, so if you're okay-"

"Stop." I was interrupted by her tail coiling around me, and turning me to face her. "A baptism today… Ahhh that's right. It's Ilias's birthday today, heroes lining up to pray and then to be dunked in water and oil by her… how foolish."

I shrugged my shoulders as best I could. "Well it's certainly not for me. I personally don't care for it, but it's the nice thing to at least show up."

"You're not getting baptized?" Her tone expressed some curiosity. "Aren't you also becoming a hero?"

"Nope, I like to think of myself as more of a philosopher than a fighter. Since I am rather averse to violence."

It took several moments for her to reply. "…Why didn't he try to kill me when I was unconscious? It's a golden opportunity for an aspiring hero."

"I guess you could say he's not that type of person. Doesn't really care whether you're monster or human, only if you're good or bad. Well, that's how he put it when I asked him a while ago on his views. Even then, if he tried to kill you, I would have stopped him."

"He doesn't see all monsters as enemies?" Fine, ignore my comment and focus solely on the person that isn't even here.

"Uhh… no. Nothing he's said to me has suggested otherwise."
"But he wants to be a hero… Someone who doesn't hate all monsters wants to be a hero, but whose sole goal is to kill the Monster Lord? Is he doing it for fame or ambition?"

"No, he's not that type of person. I don't think he even hates the Monster Lord, he just wants her to stop doing evil stuff."

"… What?"

"Yeah, he doesn't care. I mean, Luka and I both agree that peaceful coexist between monsters and humans is possible, and best for all parties involved. He wouldn't put it exactly like that, but it's the general idea."

"… He's an idiot and you're an idiot."

"No I'm an idealist! There's a difference."

"No there isn't, believing in an immature view of world peace, with everyone living in harmony, peacefully with no issues… it could nothing but idiotic."

"I never said a world without issues, that would be impossible to achieve. Hell! You can't even get that with a society of just humans! I'm more curious about seeing how all these different societies and cultures around the world function. Why do some hate monsters more than others? How some have integrated monsters and humans together? What are the problems they faced doing it? What factors into it all?"

"Then what? You're going to use your knowledge to fix the world? Are monsters and humans going to live hand-in-hand with each other because of you? When are you going to wake up from your dreaming?" It sounded like she was asking herself more than me.

"Eh, there's an old saying I've taken a liking to. It goes nihil novi sub sole, there is nothing new under the sun. I doubt I'm the first to think that and I'm definitely not the last. I hope I'm not! Peace between monsters and humans may seem like an insurmountable problem, but that's just right now! It's happened multiple times in the past for a plethora of reasons. It can happen again."

"That's a naïve view to hold… What does this 'Luka' believe?"

"Look, if you want to know more about what he thinks then why don't you go ask him yourself."

"Mmm… yes, that idea works… I'd like to meet this fool." With that she started to slither in the direction of the village… while her tail was still coiled around my chest.

"Um, can you let go of me now? My arms are getting sore?"

"No." Thus I was forced to trail behind her through the forest. At least I had my feet on the ground. "By the way, your concern was… noted."

***

I used that time to reflect on what I knew about Alice and her connection to Luka, since I got nothing else to do. Though it feels like I'm going to need a flowchart to work out all of this.

Okay first, the woman leading me through the forest is Alipheese Fateburn the Sixteenth better known as Alice. She's the daughter of the late Alipheese Fateburn the Fifteenth. That family really must love that name… and manhandling people.

Her mother was killed by a team of four heroes, which included Luka's father, Marcellus, and uncle, Lazarus. The other two heroes being an old mage, Merlin, and a cleric woman, Karen. Who both men had fallen in love with. Boy there must have been a lot of sexual tension in their group…

That's important because moments after they killed the Monster Lord, Alice, who was a little girl at the time, broke into the throne room and saw them looming over her mother's fresh corpse. She caught them off guard and attacked them in a blind rage.

What's funny, uh… in the ironic way, was that as the late Monster Lord died she professed her desire for peace between monsters and humans, but believed she needed to die to make it happen. So when Alice came into the throne room all the heroes were ready to throw down their weapons and go into the world to preach a message of peace.

Of course that didn't happen. Alice killed Merlin and Karen instantly when she attacked. Lazarus and Marcellus barely made it out alive and then went on the found the terrorist organization Ilias Kreuz out of pure vengeance. To this day they still operate by bombing schools or attacking any place where monsters and humans coexist.

Well, Lazarus does. Marcellus is dead, and Luka believes he died from a random monster attack, but he didn't. He was killed by his brother, after Marcellus met Lucifina and mellowed out, he started to help monsters by founding a safe refuge for them.

That place being the village of Enrika, which is filled with monsters, humans, and fallen angels. When Lazarus found out Marcellus had been helping monsters he attacked him. Driven by rage, he accidentally killed him. Then immediately afterwards he regretted it and lives to this day filled with regret, shame, anger, hate, more regret, you know, all those "fun" emotions.

Luka doesn't know that part and still believes his father is a worthless piece of shit terrorist. Best not to drop that bombshell on him for a while.

Meanwhile Alice had to grow up in self-hatred and pity for herself because she believes she wasted her mother's sacrifice and now has to die in her place. It's the way she believes the story has to go, the Monster Lord needs to be killed by a hero to bring peace to the world.

That's one of the reasons why Alice mocks Luka, well, will probably mock Luka, is she agrees with him. At least on some level. But you know what they say, inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist.

So both of my travelling companions have the potential to become emotionally unstable while suffering from suicidal depression or rather a severe martyr complex, i.e. they both want to die.

Damn, fate has really fucked both these families over…

Haha… Fateburn.

***

I heard Luka come in through the door. "SO! How was the baptism?" I called to him from where I was sitting at the kitchen table.

I had been able to convince Alice to let go of me on our way here. Turned out Luka hadn't earned as much of Alice's ire as I thought he did, so my earlier freak-out wasn't needed. I had also bribed her with the offer of food… so yay! No angry Monster Lord!

"Ilias didn't show… all this time, training… I need to think on what to do next." He sounded despondent.

"Well that's too bad! No time to think! I've got a guest here! Come say hello!"

"What do you- AH!" Luka rounded the corner and entered the kitchen. "Why is she here?!"

"Luka let me introduce Alipheese Fateburn, better known as Alice!"

"That doesn't answer my question! And… what are you eating?"

"Oh this! It's a little surprise I had prepared for us! Pancakes in a berry sauce, served with a fruit platter! You know how hard it was to get my hands on this much fruit?!" I stole it from the Temple. "It's simple but very tasty. I had made plenty so we'd have leftovers for our journey, but seeing as we have a guest I don't think there's going to be any left." I motioned to Alice who had just consumed two pancakes whole.

I pulled my plate closer to myself. I didn't want her stealing my food.

"Uh that's great, but…" He pointed at Alice. "What is she doing here?! If anyone sees her we're all in trouble!" He's not taking it well.

"She wanted to talk to you."

"And you led her here?!"

"No, she found the place by herself."

"How?!"

Alice chimed in. "By following your unsophisticated, but delicious scent."

"What do you mean by unsophisticated?!"

"Your… companion told me much about you. From how you were described by him, you sound very unsophisticated."

"Thanks for that! And how can you be so nonchalant? There's a monster is our home!" Our home? Aw the little guy likes me! I'm touched, really I am.

"You want peace between monsters and humans, but you don't want one in your house?"

"That's a double standard there Luka." I pointed out.

"Bah… uh" he sighed in defeat and pulled up a chair. "Fine, why are you here Miss Monster- er, Alice?"

"I came here to mock you for believing in something as childish as peace between monsters and humans… but after much rethinking I won't… yet." Yep, she'd mellowed out from earlier, bribing her with food definitely worked. It is the best gift you can give anyone… because they can eat it.

"He believes the in same goals as me!" He waved his arm at me. "Why don't you mock him?"

"Because unlike you I don't overreact to everything she says. I'm more use to people insulting my views. It's what happens when you enter a debate club or take philosophy classes."

I sort of disengaged from the conversation and tuned them out after that.

They were doing their introductions and I wanted to stay focused on my food. It might not seem like much, but all I'd been having for breakfast was oatmeal with only the tiniest amounts of syrup and sugar! I'd also been missing meat! Sure Luka and I had it often enough, but I want it with dinner every night!

A man can only take so much salad and bread and pasta and lentils and soup! Okay, most of those meals were excellent, but it's the principle of the matter!
So pancakes and fruit are heavenly right about now, and I hate using that word. That's how happy I was!

There was some yelling about between Alice and Luka, mostly about him being childish, but not my problem! She's taken an interest in Luka that hasn't resulted in his death. My work here is done!

And it eventually decided that Alice was tagging along with us. She wanted to observe Luka's dream shatter before his very eyes and his idealism be crushed beneath the harsh cruelty and apathy of the world! Before we left Luka and I had to say our goodbyes to the villagers.

***
"Don't worry Luka, Ilias is still with you… No, I can't say something as clichéd as that. Luka, Ilias as abandoned you, and I doubt she will answer any of your prayers."

"Oh…"

"But still you plan on going on your quest! Even if she won't answer you, I will pray for you Luka."

Luka bowed his head. "Thank you, Father!"

The priest turned to me. "Now, my son." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "How favored do you feel right now? I'm betting on… not very! Hahaha!" He laughed like a creepy old man.
***

Well… mostly he did. After speaking to the priest I waited outside the village with Alice for Luka. At my feet sat the massive backpack I was going to be lugging around with us. I figured it was best not to get sore shoulders by wearing it if I didn't need too.

I also was trying my best not to stare at Alice's non-human features… and look at her… revealing outfit.

Don't think about it…

Don't thinking about those...

Stonking...

Great...

Tits!

Nope!

Not one bit...

Luka eventually came walking up the road, mumbling to himself and looking downtrodden. "Oh Ilias… have you really abandoned me? I waited for today for so long, and I wasn't able to be baptized in the end."

"Isn't it better not have been baptized? I don't understand why humans want to be slaves to Ilias."Alice said.

"Well not every human does, I certainly don't… though, yeah, it is the most predominant religion in the world. And it certainly wouldn't appeal to monsters."

"I wanted to be baptized to become a hero. It does come with perks, you know. You get the respect of the people, cheap rates at inns, and you can even walk into people's house and take stuff." Luka explained to her.

"Hold up! You mean we can just rob people like a common thief?! … That isn't a bad idea." I brought my hand to my chin to theatrically ponder it as an option.

"You can't do that! It's wrong and you're not a hero!"

I shrugged. "Neither are you."

"Gah! Yes I am!"

"No, you weren't baptized. Remember?" I pointed out.

" … Which means I don't Ilias's divine protection against evil monsters."

"Eh don't worry about it Luka." I put my arm over his shoulder. "Our ugly mugs are enough to drive off any monster!"

"That's not helping."

"It's not meant to." I glanced over at Alice. "You have any thoughts on the matter?"

"… I'm not the only monster that will notice his smell. Though… I'm curious about where we're going. You're not going to walk straight to the Monster Lord's Castle."

"No, we're staying on this continent for now. Next stop, Iliasburg! From there we do some hero work. After that, Iliasport!" Luka loudly exclaimed.

"Oh come one. Iliasburg, Iliasport, Ilias Village, Ilias, Ilias, Ilias. What's with all the cheesy names? Do humans lack any sense of creativity?"

"Why is it that everything that comes out of your mouth is horrible?" He replied.

She glared at him. "Don't use that tone with me."

"Alright! Enough lollygagging you two! Let's get a move on! We've burning daylight here!" I adjusted the straps on my shoulders and set off down the road.

***

As fate would have it, not much later a slug girl came onto the path. At a distance she looked like a regular woman in a fancy brown dress with a hat, but no. That would be too easy.

The slug girl stopped in front of us. "Travelers? Neither of you are baptized, either." She looks at Luka. "And you smell delicious."

I backed up, better let Luka deal with her. I'm sure he'll do fine.

"Alice do you have any advice?" Luka glanced around and noticed she had pulled her vanishing act. "Oi! Alice?! Where are you?!"

The slug girl tilted her head. "Who are you yelling at? Are you crazy?"

"No of course not!"

"If you say so…" She moved closer to him. "Now, would don't you have a feel of my wonderful mucus? I'm sure you'll love it~." She reached down to lifted up the edge of her 'dress', revealing a pulsing mass of membrane and mucus…. Ew.

It looked like the underside of a slug had been scaled up to human size and painted flesh colored… which it kinda was… Ewwww.

"So… were you just waiting there all this time for travelers to pass by you?" I asked the slug girl

"Maybe…"

"Doesn't that seem like a waste of your time? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"There's nothing better than finding a mate!" She loudly exclaimed.

Luka took that as an opportunity to swing his sword at the slug girl, doing no damage to her. He didn't even shout "Luka attack" either, he's learning so quickly!

"What?! My sword!" He tugged hard several times to remove his sword from her sticky hide. "I can't pierce her thick mucus! How am I going to beat her?!"

"Luka, we covered this with the slime girl. Just move back or move at all." I replied. "She's a slug, you're faster than her."

"I can't do that! It's not how I was trained to fight! Even if I did my sword can't doesn't hurt her!"

"Luka, just… Dear God you can't be serious." I pushed up my glasses and pinched my nose. "Use your brain! Think of something!"

"Hey! Don't try to distract me! I'll finish off the hero and then I'll get you next." The slug girl yelled at me.

"Think of something… If my sword can't hurt her, then I'll use… her natural weakness!" he reached into his bag and took out- "Salt!"

"No! Luka, stop!" I grabbed his hand. "How about this… I got a better idea. What do you see on the ground around you?"

"Slime and dirt?"

I gave him a flat look. "And?"

"Uh… rocks I guess."

"There you go! Use a rock! Blunt trauma always works!"

"Fine." I let go of his hand. He reached down to scoop up some rocks from the ground. "Okay slug girl, leave or else I'll… throw rocks at you." He sounded unsure.

"If your sword couldn't stop me, why would a simple rock- Ow! Ouch! Ow! Hey! Ow!" She was interrupted by several fist sized rocks to her gut. "That's not fair!"
"Sorry!"

"Fine I'm leaving, but I'll remember this!" She pointed at me. "And you smelt bad anyways!" With that she crawled back into the forest.
"I won!" Luka cheered.

A few moments later Alice reappeared. "That fight was pathetic. The self-described 'philosopher' knows more about fighting than you do. If you can't fight off a slug, how are you going to challenge the Monster Lord?"

"I was winning! I was going to use the salt."

"Yeah, that would have been almost half of our cooking salt gone. If I wasn't carrying more than that, you would have used all of it." I chimed in.

"Then I'm left with poorly a seasoned dinner and an unfulfilled appetite." Alice said.

"Hey! Why do think you get anything? Where were you to help in the fight?" He asked, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

"I'll make this clear for you. I am not your ally. I am not helping you in a fight. If you get captured by a monster I'm leaving you behind and continuing without you."

"Yet you still want our food." He replied.

"I'm okay with sharing some food, it's coming out of your portion anyways. You don't need to eat as much as me." I said.

"What?! Why do you get more food than me?"

"Aw I'm kidding! Take it easy." I put a hand on his shoulder. "Beside Luka, don't try to stop her… She's a really powerful monster. If you don't feed her, she'll just use one of us as a food source… and I don't mean in the sexy way."

Alice wagged her tail and grinned. "Oh I don't know about that… it could be."

I held back a sigh of annoyance; it was either this or stay back in a village of religious hicks and let the world be destroyed.

"Please don't encourage her." Luka chided me.

I thought you were supposed to be more competent. You should try working on that some time.

***

We kept walking until nightfall. That's when we stopped and I set up camp for all of us on a spot a little ways off the road. I had spent the previous weeks practicing how to properly set up camp, so I had everything in short order.

We moved to the discussion of dinner plans.

"So Luka, do you want me to cook or are you going to?"

"I'll do it tonight. How does omelet and bread with wild grass salad sound for dinner sound?" Luka asked.

"Bad, unfortunately eggs don't sit right with me. So I'd rather not spend the rest of the night crouching over a hole in the woods. I'll substitute omelet for some spare meat I have."

Do you know how annoying it is to cook using a campfire? The only thing you have to use is an open fire. It's so limiting! One day out and I already miss that tiny peasant kitchen Luka had! Everything we used I had to carry! Makes me feel like I'm a hoarder! My backpack is filled to the seams with an endless supply of junk and hidden compartments!

It's like a little mobile house strapped to my back! Need something? It's in there! Somewhere… You only need to look…

After dinner Alice quickly went straight to mocking Luka pathetic fighting skills.

"But… I've been training for more than five years…"

"Luka… I don't want to sound mean, but… your sword skills are bad and you should feel bad about that." I said.

"Five years? I thought you were fighting for the first time! Where did he learn those horrible… 'techniques'?" She directed the question at me.

"Well obviously not from competent people. Sorry Luka, but that's the truth."

"I learned them from visiting pilgrims and heroes! I combined all their skills and made it into my own style!" He shouted, trying to defend himself.

"And reality has shown you the error of your ways."

Alice sighed. "Crappy skills learned from crappy people will be crappy even when combined. Alright, I'll teach you a little."

Luka looked unsure about her offer. "I don't know… learning from a monster doesn't feel…"

"Luka take the offer! This is a chance to learn how not to die to a monster! Take it!"

"Uh, okay… Please teach me how to fight monsters." He bowed his head to her.

"Good. It would be boring if you got eaten quickly."

I thought entered my mind. "Hey Alice, what would you do if a monster captured me?" I asked her.

"You don't get any special treatment. If you're captured and Luka isn't, I'm going on with him. If he's captured and you aren't, I'll go with you. If you're both captured, then I'm leaving you both to your fate."

***

After a few hours Alice had declared his training had finished for the night. Luka was visibly tired and quickly found his way into his sleeping bag. "Night." he called out

Alice then approached me.

"Hey, need something?" I asked her. "A sleeping bag? I think we got a spare."

"No. It's too restrictive."

"Okay then, what about a blanket? Maybe a pillow?"

"No, I'm fine… I want to ask you about something you mentioned earlier."

I shrugged. "Sure, what is it?"

"You said you took classes. Do you have a formal education?"

"Yep, it started when I was around four, well three, and it finished when I was seventeen. After that I went into university, I've been there for two years… well obviously I'm on a break of sorts right now."

"What? Fourteen years of school and then university?! Where did you find that in Ilias Village?!"

"Oh, I didn't. I'm not from Ilias Village."

"Wait… If you're not from Ilias Village… and you don't want to be a hero? What other reason could you have to be there besides being baptized?"

"Well, I was only there for a month and a half. Beyond that, never there before in my life. And the reason why I was there, it was to find Luka."

"Are you a relative?"

"Nope, complete strangers when we met."

"Then… why?"

"I got a vision from Ilias, she said to seek out a young hero in training named Luka at Ilias Village and for me to help him on his journey."

"I thought you said you aren't a slave to Ilias."

"Well, I never said I was a very good follower of hers." I chuckled. "Maybe that's why she spoke to me, make a quest to 'restore my faith', heh. Let's just say you won't catch me praying to her anytime soon."

"You don't follow her… I'll keep that in mind." She smirked. "Good night~."

That's a good sign right…

Right?

 

[Trilonias]

I just can't like this story enough...

 

[Fission Battery]

I should really stop putting off! It's just that I have to go through a 7,000 word chapter and space it out again! It's o tedious!

Though it is interesting to go over previous chapters again, as was pointed out in the Spacebattles thread they were very dialogue heavy with not enough internal monolog or descriptions. A problem I've worked on since then.

*****

Chapter 5 - Ain`t That a Kick in the Head

"Ilias!" Something bumped against me. " Alright! I can do it!"

"Um… Hey." I heard someone speak, but it was too early in the morning for me to care.

"Hey." There it goes again.

"Hey!" Someone was yelling near my face.

"What?" I mumbled.

"Let go of me." Sounds like Luka.

"Mmmm no… too comfy." I buried my face deeper into my pillow.

"No! It's already day time and we need to get moving if we want to make it to Iliasburg before dark!"

"Yeah that's… great Luka… mmmm goodnight." I don't know what he was complaining about. It's not like I was holding him down or something, I was just snuggling with the spare pillow.

I cracked one eye open and saw purple… Oh…. still don't care.

"How did you even grab me?! You were sleeping on the other side of the fire!" He was trying to squirm out of my hold… not gonna happen.

"I move around in my sleep sometimes. Now… qui- quit bugging me." I closed my eye.

"What's with all this noise so early in the morning. Oh! Luka… could this be why you refuse a monster's advances? You aren't attracted to them?"

"No! He's the one holding me!"

"Alice right, too early." My side was getting sore, so I rolled over, still holding Luka. "It's not my fault you're so… snuggleable."

"Ahhhh! Let go!" He kept wiggling till he accidentally hit my face.

"Fu- Okay!" I opened both my eyes and let go of Luka, who was trapped in his sleeping bag. "Now! I'm up! Are you happy?!"

"S-sorry!" He apologized.

I sighed and rubbed my face. "Ughhh… it's okay. All… is forgiven. Alright…" I clapped my hands together. "Let's break camp and get started!"

"What about breakfast?" Alice asked.

"Okay, we eat first then get started!"

***

After a few hours of walking, there was a plant sitting off to the side of the road. One that was easily overlooked.

Luka didn't overlook it… He really should of.

"What type of plant is that?" He was crouching near it. "It looks familiar, but I can't place it."

It's a monster girl, you probably should stop touching it. Do I have a reasonable excuse to know that? "I think it'd be best if you stay away from that Luka. I think I saw it in one of the books back at the Temple, maybe related to a monster."

"Really you think so?" He stood up. "Hey. Where did Alice go? Did she get lost or something?"

"No, I think that means this is monster related. Best just to keep moving." I walked back onto the road and keep going. We were still another few hours from Iliasburg, so I wanted to reach it before dark.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

My thoughts were interrupted by an ear piercing scream. I stood still in the road, as my left eye twitched slightly.

I don't feel paralyzed or dead, so that's a good sign.

Luka having pulled on her leaves, a bad one.

I looked over and my shoulder. Luka was slumped on the ground with a shocked expression on his face and in front of him was a Mandragora. She was rubbing where the leaf attached to her head.

I won't lie, for a second there I was torn. I could leave him- NO!!!

Okay, less than half a second.

With a heavy sigh I turned around and started walking back towards Luka. The Plant Girl's back facing me with only her upper body sticking out of the ground..

"What the hell are you doing?! I was finally asleep… Oh a boy? That was very rude to pull my leaves, but… You are cute… maybe I should punish you for disrupting my sleep~."

"N-no!" Luka flopped on the ground. "Why can't I move?!"

"My scream paralyzes all those who hear it, and can even kill those who are weak hearted. If you're still moving even that much you must be very strong." She reached for his belt.

I was almost there. Man! I really got far ahead of Luka.

I picked up my pace.

"S-stop that!" He looked over her shoulder and at me. "Help!"

"Who are you talking…" She turned around. "… to?" She sounded very nervous all of the sudden. She even dropped the belt that she was holding.

Maybe it was because I was towering over her with the sun at my back? That tends to look dramatic.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh, well I'm just… uh, playing around-"

"Really? Because it sounded like you wanted, what? Abduct him? Drag him underground with you for that ten year nap?"

"… if I said maybe would you-"

"Yes, I would be upset." I glanced over at Luka. "Luka, can you move yet?"

His arm twitched. "Trying."

I circled around the plant girl, maintaining eye contact the whole time. "Let me help you there." I crouched down-

"No! He's mine!" Her hair- roots struck my shoulder, knocking me on my ass and then wrapped around Luka. "You can't take him!" She started descending back into the dirt and had quickly dragged Luka's feet underground.

"God dammit!" I lurched forward to grab onto Luka. "Now's a good time to hit her! Your arm's still free."

His arm started to spasm, the sword in his hand by some miracle struck a root, loosening the plant girl's grip on him.

I kicked at her, hitting her head with my heel, further loosening the roots grip on Luka. "Let! Him! Go!" I planted my feet on the ground, shifted into a good position I then pushed with all my might! Going into a standing position and had Luka dangling off the ground between her and me.

I had probably 80 pounds, 2 feet of reach and better leverage than her, but she wasn't giving up easily.

"If you're so attached to him." She grabbed onto Luka's ankles hard enough her knuckles turned white. Her roots started wrapping around my legs and breaking up the ground beneath me. "I'll drag you down as well!"

"Oh for the love of- Fuck! Luka?!" I couldn't hit her myself, if I moved my hands Luka would be dragged under. I try to kick her, I'm dragged under. So I was stuck.

He didn't respond, instead his boot swung up, crashing into the plant girl's jaw with a horrible crunching noise. Her grip on his ankles was lost. She recoiled and before she could scream, she was quickly interrupted by his other, now freed, boot smashing into her face.

Her roots slackened and feel to the ground, limp. She glared at us, spat some blood on the dirt and retreated back underground. All while clutching her bloodied and bruised face.

We stood there for a few moments before I dropped Luka on his feet. "Well… that was brutal."

"I know…"

"Like… I think you broke her face… Now I feel bad!"

"Me too…"

"She did start it…"

"Yeah…"

I shook my head. "Wait a second! No she didn't! You did!" I poke him in the chest. "I said not to touch the plant, but noooooo! You had to! Why?!"

Alice choose that moment to reappear. "I'd like to know that too. Your companion showed common sense and you almost did… almost."

"I have a name you know, it wouldn't kill you to use it." I said.

"I'm sure it won't… but why did you disturb her? She was sleeping off the road, minding her own business."

Luka rubbed the back of his head. "Uhhh, well…"

"What a barbarian you are."

"What?! No! I'm-"

"It's good that you have a violent side. Only with violence do you have any hope of fulfilling your dream."

"That's not right!" He exclaimed.

"Well Luka… it is unfortunate, but too many monsters in this world only respect one thing: pure physical strength. It's only through besting them in combat that you'll get their support… but would you want it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well sure you can keep them in line with power, but then what? They don't believe in your cause. They won't fight to protect your ideals. You don't convert them to your way of thought. You didn't convince them to follow you and the second someone beats you in a fight, they'll switch sides. Why would you every want someone as… shallow as that working for you?"

"No, what do you mean by support?"

I sighed. "Luka… you kinda need monsters to agree with you, if you want peace between them and humans… that should be obvious. You know what? Never mind, let's keep going."

I readjusted the straps on my shoulders and started down the road, travelling north.

***

The sun had started to set by the time Iliasburg got into view.

Luka looked at Alice. "Alice… I don't think you can enter with us. You don't look… human. Is there anything you could do about that?"

"Why would you think I should change that? Are you saying there's something wrong with me?"

"N-no! Nothing like that!" He shook his head.

"Because I can, but why would I? It's very unpleasant to change form like that."

"Well if you don't I guess you won't be able to enjoy those Ama-ama Dango you wanted. What a shame." I said.

"Crap… I guess that's true." One moment she was a monster, the next, a human. "How does this look?"

"You look good." I nodded. "I think it works."

"You look underdressed." He said.

Luka, you failed to complement her, especially after asking her to change form. She's going to remember that.

With that, we entered the city.

***

The streets were completely empty, I couldn't see anyone, not even beggars or bums hiding down alleyways. All the windows and doors on nearby buildings were shut and blocked, some streets even had the remains of barricades littering them.

Luka noticed it too. "What the… Why does the city look so strange?"

"I'm not sure, is someone attacking the city? It's the only thing I can think of."

"Maybe… what's going on?!" He shouted, obviously no one answered. "I need to find out!" He started running down the street.

"Luka wait!"

I ran after him.

I rounded a corner and… he wasn't there.

"Ah shit." I lost him… well better get searching.

***

"Luka?! Where the hell are you?!" I must have been searching for ten minutes. How the hell did he get so far ahead of me?!

I heard the sound of fighting nearby. That must be him!

I picked up my speed, and turned down a side alley.

Sounds closer! Almost there!

I turned onto the street and-

"Gah!" I ran into someone at full speed and knocked both of us to the ground. "Sorry! Didn't see you there…" Sitting on the ground beside me was one of the Four Heavenly Knights…

Granberia…

"What? How…" She looked at me. "You."

"Ahh! I'm sorry! Please don't kill me!" I scuttled backwards until my back hit a wall.

She was suddenly standing above me. She grabbed my shoulders and dragged me up, still keeping my back against the wall, her eyes glaring into mine. "I'll make you bleed for that… Wait." Then she looked confused. "You don't have a sword."

"Nope! I'm unarmed! Noncombatant! Civilian! Come on let me go! It was an accident!"

She shook me. "Quiet."

"Let him go!" Luka!

"You're still here boy? I thought I told you to stay down." She didn't bother to look over at him.

"I said let him go! You aren't taking this city and you aren't killing him!" Aww always nice to see someone cares about me. Though I don't think Granberia's going to kill me… maybe only maim.

"You're too green kid. Run away while I… interrogate your friend."

"Uh, um, that's not really necessary! I'm open book, no need to get physical, just ask away!" I stammered out.

"Good. That will make it short and painless."

"Yeah I like short and painless! Sounds great!" I rapidly nodded my head

Luka choose that moment to attack her, swinging his sword at her flank.

For a second I felt the pressure of her hands leave my shoulders, saw Luka fall to the ground, and then being slammed back against the wall.

Fuck me she's fast!

"Now… tell me how-"

"Granberia." Alice! She just appeared! "How long are you going to keep doing that?"

"A-Alice?!" Luka said.

Granberia's astonished face turned away from me to stare at Alice, looking petrified for a couple seconds. She released me, took a step back and then got down on one knee.

"What are you doing here? Who ordered this attack?" Alice asked.

"I did. I took upon myself to remove those annoying heroes."

"Go away." She flatly ordered her.

"But… " She stood back up and grabbed me, again. "My Lord there is something off about this man. I wish to bring him back to-"

"I didn't ask you about him. I said leave."

Behind Granberia, I noticed Luka had gotten back up to his feet. He stepped forward and swung his sword, aimed at her neck. "Demon Decapitation!" Luka shouted.

I watched the whole thing unfold, one second her hand was holding me up, next it was grabbing Luka's blade- With only two fingers!

At least he didn't flail wildly; she would have killed him on pure principle.

"You know a monster technique." She lazily glanced over at Alice. "I see you've been teaching him, my Lord."

" Enough of this." Alice stated.

"Understood… I'll only disarm him." Luka was still pushing against her with visible effort, and to no effect. Granberia placed her thumb on the edge of the blade and started to scratch it, creating a noise comparable to nails on a chalkboard. "Nice knife boy." She simply crossed her two fingers, snapping the end of Luka's sword off!

Holy shit! It offered no resistance at all!

"Making me repeat myself… is that how you show your loyalty?" Alice was obviously annoyed. "Leave now."

"Of course." After saying that, she vanished.

A few moments later Luka slowly collapsed to the ground, groaning in pain. "Ow… Alice…"

She made an effort to avoid looking at either of us.

"You… were pretty awesome back there."

"That's it?! That's all you can say after what's happened you idiot?!"

"Well ignore him then! Alice, I'm pretty sure you just saved my life!" I rushed forward to grab her. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! If it wasn't for you I'd be in a rape dungeon right now!" I shouted while spinning her around.

"Put me down."

"Alright, alright." I put her down. "Also… I have questions about what just happened right now, but I'll save them for later." Our eyes briefly met and she nodded.

"What did you say? I didn't catch it." Luka asked.

I turned back to him and helped him up. "I was saying what you did was both the bravest thing I've ever seen you do… and the most suicidal! I'd reprimand you for doing that… but I think we're going to need that type of stupidity in this journey.

"Really?"

"Yeah, just remember to keep training and improving, that way your next defeat isn't as humiliating."

He responded with a sour expression.

"Is… is she gone?" A man cautiously peeked his head out of door. "That monster, did she run away?"

"Those three over there!" A woman yelled. "I don't believe it, but they drove that monster away!"

People started to rush out from their homes and surrounded us. Luka was caught off guard and Alice was as impassive as ever.

A different man came up to me to shake my hand. "Thank you! All little bit longer and this would have been a monster city."

"No, no, don't thank me. Luka here did all the work!" I patted his back. "I was just the distraction."

With that the crowd's attention turned almost solely to Luka, thanking him profusely. It lasted for several minutes until they started to disperse and go back to their own activities.

Alice pointed at a random person from the crowd. "You there, Citizen A. I need to ask you something."

"Citizen A?! How dare you ma'am! How could you use anything less than my magnificent name, Cervantes?!" He said with a flourish of his hand.
"Where is the Sutherland Inn, Citizen A?"

"If it will make you leave me alone, it is west from here. It's incredibly old, you shouldn't miss it."

"Excellent. I know where we're staying for the night." She grabbed Luka's and my hand, and dragged us in direction of the inn.

I looked back. "Uhh, thanks for the help Cervantes."

***

"Let's see the cost, one day… two million, four hundred thousand gold per person?!" Luka shouted. "We only have enough to stay here eighteen seconds!"

"Jesus Christ! How the hell do they make any money!? Prices that high, no one can stay here!"

"Alice, there's no way we can stay here. If we both go inside, we only have nine seconds…"

"Hey you forgot me!"

"Fine, six seconds."

"If I had known that, I might have let Granberia take over the city." She said.

"It's not too late to do that is it?" I asked. "Do I get any perks for being a sell out?"

"Oi! Oi!"

"Maybe…"

"Excuse me, can you step aside?" A soldier slipped past us, and walked up to the reception desk. "Hey Owner, I'm a hero, so give me a room at the hero's rate."

Wow, five seconds and I already don't like the guy.

The Owner was having none of it. "What type of stupidity is this?! What kind of hero hides like a coward in an empty wine barrel?!" She shouted at him, chasing him back outside.

"Uh… hehe… oh, you saw that…" her nervously said. "But ah, I've been baptized so you can't-"

"Someone like you call yourself a hero?! Get out!" She had scared him off.

Knew I didn't like the guy.

She then turned to us, her expression softening. "Oh, you three. You saved the city! Please, why don't you stay here tonight?"

"Er… we don't have enough money-" Luka said.

She waved her hand. "Nonsense!" She motions for us to come inside. "Come, come, I'll give you the special hero rate, two gold per person. I'll just bill the other seven million, one hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety four gold to Ilias Temple."

I don't think they have the funds to pay off a fraction of that.

"Thank you, but… I'm not a baptized hero."

"That doesn't matter. Baptized or not, it's your actions that make you a hero." Aww, that little comment brought a giant grin to Luka's face.

"Don't get full of yourself yet… Didn't you just get your ass beat?" Then Alice had to cut him down.

"Aww Alice, you had to go and ruin his good mood." I put my arm over his shoulder. "Well Luka, what are waiting for out here for?! Let's check out the room!"

***

"Hehehe."

"Are you going to keep doing that?"

"Yes! I love this bed! It's mine! All mine! If only for the one night!" I rolled over to stare up at the ceiling for a moment. "It has that fresh, crisp clean smell! And the sheets feel all cool and- hahahahaha! And it's free! HAHA! Oh how I've missed you high society!"

The Owner had put us up in two conjoined rooms, I'm not sure why.

"Luka who cares what he does if he's…" Alice spared a glance my way. "… Well he's not as annoying as you are." She went back to eating her Ama-ama Dango.

"Is it good?" Luka asked.

"It sweet~." She replied, happily waving her tail.

"Luka… that was the sweetest thing I've eaten in months. I'd have more, but I'm too stuffed to move." I said.

"Oi, Alice, try not to be caught in monster form."

"That was delicious, I think I'll have some more." She changed back into her human form, and rung the service bell.

The Owner came in to clear away the dishes littering the room. She was a member of the towns Guild Council, so Granberia taking over would have hurt her a lot. Meaning we get the VIP treatment. I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed.

"How did you like the hotel's Ama-ama Dango?" She asked.

"Even though it's incredibly sweet, it doesn't overpower the flavor of the dango. Simply delicious. If you were a monster, I'd make you a duchess."

"I second her opinion, and Alice, just wait till you get a chance to taste my cooking or baking. I'll make baron for sure." I chimed in.

The Owner found her comment quite funny. "Hahaha. What a strange remark, young lady. Though unfortunately I can't make any more Ama-ama Dango for you, we've run out of Happiness Honey." She sighed. "I guess it can't be helped, ever since that village ran out of men…"

Luka leaned forward. "Did something happen to Happiness Village?"

"Yeah… Hmm… Hey that's right. If it's you three, I bet you could do something about it. If you were able to beat that swordswoman I'm sure you could beat any monster!" She finished stacking the dishes. "Well then, have a pleasant sleep." She then left the room.

"I need to go speak with her about something, goodnight Alice, goodnight William." He chased after her out of the room. "Wait up Miss!"

"Night!" I called back.

Alice closed the door and turned back into her regular self.

"So Alice… is now a good time to talk about what happened with Granberia earlier?"

"Yes."

"So… you're her lord."

She nodded.

"And unless I'm mistaken, there's no other position between Heavenly Knight and Monster Lord. Is there?"

She shook her head.

"Which would make you the Monster Lord, am I right?" I point to her.

"Yes, you are." She sighed. "I am Alipheese Fateburn the Sixteenth, current Monster Lord."

"Ah." I nodded. "Well… I assume you don't want Luka knowing."

"No, I'd rather he figured it out for himself."

"So, where do we go from here?"

She looked surprised. "That's it?! Don't you have anything else to say?
"
"Sure I do, but… I don't know. Heh, you know what's funny? I sort of suspected you were some type of noble."

"Why?"

"At the Temple there were a lot of older texts stuffed into my 'office'. Most dated back further than thirty years ago, before-"

"The Slaughter of Remina."

I nodded. "Yep. Some of those texts had detailed descriptions of previous Monster Lords, including their names. With only a few exceptions, they all sort had the same look. It wasn't tough putting two and two together."

Yay! I have justifications for my knowledge! Wait… now I feel manipulative again… Dammit!

"Do… you know about my mother?" She asked.

"Uhh, I don't want to assume, but… if you're the Monster Lord then, is she…"

"Yes, she is."

I hopped off the bed and hugged her. "Well I'm not sure how much this means, but, I'm sorry for your loss." I was never good at this, how to comfort people.

She returned the embrace. "Thank you." We separated after a few moments. "Do you expect me to leave you and Luka now? If you do, I won't"

"Nope! I say we keep moving forward. I won't bring it up unless you want to talk about, which in that case I'm always open."

"I'll keep that offer in mind."

Huh, surprised that went as well as it did.

"Any chance you'd save me from a monster?" I asked

"No… unless I was hungry and thought I needed you… like right now even."

I clapped my hands "Well that's great! But it's late and I want to take a shower before bed." I walked over to the bathroom door.

"Oh, are you going to leave me all alone and hungry? It's very rude to leave a lady waiting." She teased, sounding much more cheery.

"Why don't you come join me then?"

Wait…

Did I just say that?

Alice licked her lips and was smirking.

Ah fuck…

"Hora~."

***

"Morning Luka."

"Good morning, how was your sleep?"

"The best I've ever had."

"What's with that big goofy smile?"

"Because Luka, I know today is going to be a good day."

"Okay… what are our plans anyways?"

"We're going shopping. "

***

I held the door open for Luka and Alice as we entered the blacksmith's shop.

Standing behind the counter was the blacksmith. I walked over with Luka to greet him. "Luka! Come over here and meet Frederick! He'll set you up with whatever you need."

"Nice to meet you." Luka shook his hand. "How did you meet? We've been here for less than a day."

"Ah that's simple, Luka. He was one of the people I was writing to when we were still in Ilias Village. I was ordering some special equipment for myself."

"Speaking of which, I have it right here for you Bill!" He crouched down to reach what he had behind the counter. "It came in just last week, and has been sitting here you all this time!"

"Wait, Bill? Does he mean you?" He pointed at me.

"Yeah, there's a lot of variations you can give my name." Frederick came back up. "Hey, do mind just calling me William? I don't like using nicknames."

"Not Bill?"

"No, just William."

"Will?"

"No."

"Willy?"

"No-"

"Billy Bob?!"

I gave him a flat look. "You're mocking me aren't you?"

He slapped my shoulder and laughed. "Hahaha! Ahah, it's all in jest! Now let's take a look at what we've got here." He placed a small pile of assorted armor and clothing on the counter. "All custom ordered from Enrika village! Gloves, greaves, bracers, boots, and a shirt."

"What makes them so special?" Luka asked.

"When they're making this, they can sew iron right into the fabric! Makes it as strong as any plate armor, but as light as cloth! It's not as flashy some of those other sets of armor I got, but it's better than that." He replied.

"Aw, the one with the spikes and giant paldrons looked really cool."

"Quite being an idiot." She looked at me. "At least one of you can choose effective armor."

"Ah more than that! He custom ordered them! The gloves have dozens of small plates of steel wedged between leather and more cloth in them. So they don't just protect you, you can punch someone like you were wearing a steel gauntlet! I bet you can't even be stabbed through them!" To demonstrate he slipped one of the gloves on, and placed his hand on the counter. He pulled out a knife and stabbed it into the wooden counter, driving it in several inches. "A real knife." He then tried the same on the glove… the knife… bent in half!

"That's amazing! But, is your hand bruised?"

He pulled the glove off. "Nope! Barely felt a thing!"

"I want to try them on." He passed them to me and I put them on. "Hmmm, it feels like I'm wearing nothing at all." I pulled out a pencil from a pocket and twirled it around my fingers. "Usually the gloves are too thick for me to hold or use anything properly. Mind if I try something?"

Frederick motioned to the counter. "No, go ahead. I did just stab it."

I started to scribble on the desk, just random words, numbers, phrases. "Wow! I can actually write with these! I love them!"

"That's excellent! The rest of the gear should also be of similar quality. Now onto the price… four hundred and fifty gold."

"What?! That's all our money!" Luka exclaimed.

"Relax Luka, I've got more money."

"But you only sold that dagger for three fifty and I only have a hundred." He looked over at Alice. "Unless you have some." She just stared in response.

"Yes, but I was… paid for my time working at the Temple." I acquired funds from the priest. Really though, it's amazing what you can find in storage, just waiting to be taken.

"Oh, well, how much do we have then?"

"Enough. Hey Frederick, mind if I try it all on? I want to see if it fits right."

"Sure go ahead!"

I dropped the backpack to the ground and then changed shirts right there. "Hm, very comfy, nothing irritating me." I took of my sneakers, stuffed them in the backpack, and put on the boots. "Steel toed right?"

He nodded.

I strapped the greaves to the front of my jeans. "Good straps, hopefully it won't shift when I'm moving." Next were the bracers, and finally the gloves. I did some stretches. "Still have full range of movement. I'm loving this already." I reached into a pocket and brought out the payment. "Here it is, Frederick, fifty gold!"

"Four fifty!"

"Three seventy?"

"Four fifty!"

"Two twenty!"

"It's four fifty dammit!"

"You'll pay me to take it?! Well if you insist."

"You're screwing with me boy!" He shouted.

"Yeah, I am." I broke out into a smirk. "Hahaha! It's all in good fun! Right?!"

"Uh, ohh. Haha! That's funny." He laughed and I paid him. "Alright, have a good day and thank you for the purchase."

We left the store, and made a few more stops.

***
"Armor plated jock strap! The perfect defense against any monster that won't take no for an answer!"

"It does look useful… but is it hard to move in?" Luka asked.

"Luka… look at it! It's dented and stained! You know exactly what happened to the last poor bastard that wore it! Lying to yourself isn't going to change that!"

"Uh… okay…"
***

Including the local church.

***
"Ilias, please watch over me!"

"How boring."

"Really Alice, I just want to give my prayers to her in thanks."

The local priest walked up to us. "Exactly. One should always pray faithfully."

"Look, a boring person came out." She said.

"Pff, hehehe. Really Alice, it's not his fault most priests are boring people. I mean, look where he's stuck all day." I said.

The priest frowned. "Well I'm sorry for being boring. Just remember to always pray faithfully. It is one of the Five Commandments after all."

"Really, how boring."

"Alice, even if he is boring, you should still listen to him." Luka replied.

The priest's frown deepened.
***

I also needed to visit a barber shop.

***
"How much?" I asked.

"A clean shave and a trim? Ehhhh, five gold." He replied.

"Do you really need to waste your money on this?" Alice asked.

"Yes! Look at my hair!" I brushed the front hair down onto my face. "Look at it! It goes down past my mouth! It should just barely be past eye level."

"How does that matter? You always brush it back anyways."

"It's to make it manageable! Plus the back and sides around the ears are getting scruffy. And the patchwork of stubble is marring this beautiful face as well."

"… True."

"Besides! I thought you'd love it if my face was clean shaven and smooth."

"Why you! What are you imply-" She was cut off by the barber.

"Alright sir, if you would please take a seat right here. I can get to work."
***

When we finished with the shopping, we headed out of the city.

"Fufufufu… I found you! My darling! My one true hero!"

"Ahh! Cheese it Luka! The slime found us!" I shouted.

"What? Who said that?!" He said.

Suddenly appearing before us was… an unfortunate lamia… "I'm not drunk enough for this." I grabbed a flask from a pocket. "I'll work on this, Luka you deal with her."

"Uwa… what?"

"My name is Amira… and you stole my maiden heart!" She loudly declared.

Luka looked around unsure as to what was happening.

"You filled my heart with love and courage! Ah, my sweet heart… an unbreakable dream."

I looked at my flask. "Nope, still not drunk enough. Should have gone with vodka instead of gin."

Luka also wasn't having any of it. "Excuse me Miss… Can I kill you?" Man! Look at that twitching grin on his face!

"I'll drink to that. In fact, I am!"

Alice put a hand on his shoulder. "I know how you feel, but you need to calm down. If you want a world where monsters and humans can live in peace, it would include that… thing too."

"Why is she posing like that with no pants on?"

"Alas, for I have no arms! And nobody to help me dress myself!" She lamented.

I cut in. "You got that underwear on somehow, didn't you? You'd think pants would be easier than that."

"Uh… Don't poke holes in my story!"

"Go away and disappear." Luka said

Amira sighed dramatically. "Even you are discriminating against me… Everyone does it too… the children throw stones at me. Nobody will ever get close to me."

Seconds later a bunch of people walked by all wishing her a nice day or asking her to come play with them.

"Really? Discriminated against." Luka flatly said.

"Well… putting my situation aside. I came to profess more than my love for you. I have a request, recently a band of monster thieves have been rampaging around. Having fellow monsters do such a thing, it pains my heart! Everyone else in the town is troubled by it as well!"

"Monster thieves?"

"Are you sure it's just not human scare mongering?" Alice asked.

"Don't insult my information gathering! There's even supposed to be a vampire and a dragon!"

That surprised Luka. "A vampire?! And a dragon?!"

"That's odd. I've never heard of monsters like that this far into the countryside." Alice chimed in. "If they were here, it should be more obvious."

"Please my love! Can you defeat the bandits?"

"Uh… Fine, I get it. I'll do something."

"Luka that's suicide… unless of the course we're missing something here."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if there is a dragon and a vampire you would think that would be more… obvious. Powerful monsters like that wouldn't be content simply raiding travelling merchants, and if they were you'd hear more about it. They're so big and powerful everyone should know about them… unless of course for some reason they want to remain hidden. I'm not really going anywhere with this, just thinking out loud." I shrugged.

"Then it's meaningless. Really Luka, you can't be serious?" Alice said.

"Of course I'm serious. I can't allow monsters to be harming humans without reason!"

"Just as expect from the man I love! My heart-"

He interrupted her. "Keep going on and I'll make you wear your heart as a hat. Where's the thieves hideout?"

"I don't know the exact location, but it should be to the west at the base of the mountain range."

"Great. Can we go now? We're burning daylight and we haven't even decided where the hell we're going? Enrika? Happiness Village? Combing the mountains for bandits?"

"Alright! Good luck my love!' She then crawled away on the ground.

"Luka, are you really going to go hunt for bandits? Maybe you're confusing bravery with stupidity. A vampire and a dragon can easily kill both of you."

"Because! I! Am! A! Hero!" He shouted.

"A fake one."

"Guh…" He didn't take that comment well.

"Why bother? Just go north to Iliasport and take a ship off the continent."

"Nah, detours are good for him. Gives him a chance to practice his skills." I said.

"With his current skills a dragon could easily burn him to charcoal" She replied.

"I would rather be charcoal than abandon my dream." Luka muttered under his breath.

***

We were on the outskirts of the city.

"Wait! We need to go back! We forgot to buy a new sword!"

I sighed. "Do we really need to?"

"I need a sword to fight and you don't have one!"

"Maybe Alice does?" I turned to her. "Hey Alice, any chance you got a spare sword?"

"Has the idiot infected you? What type of question is that? Why would you think I have a sword on me? Where would I be keeping it?"

"I don't know, do you?"

"Yes… lucky guess." she pulled out a sword. "I'll lend this one to you." The sword was a disgusting mess of fleshy looking grey metal, with purples eyes down the blade, disjointed wings jutting out around the handle, and a massive halo ring at the end of it.

"Ew… what is that?"

"Angel Halo, the only sword of its kind. It's very valuable. So don't break it."

"Uh…. this thing? It's… horrible! Now way I'm using that creepy thing!"

"Really?" She curiously looked at the blade. "But it has those angels you humans love so much embedded right on the handle. I thought you'd be happy!"

"Yeah Luka, don't turn down her gift. That's just rude!"

"It looks like those angels are being tortured…"

"If you don't want it I've just put it back away-"

"No! Uhg… I'll take it. I have no other option."

"That's the spirit Luka!"

He took the sword from Alice. "Wha?! Ri-right now I just heard it moan! Did you not hear that?!"

"No I heard it too."

"Well that's to be expected. The sword was refined from six hundred and sixty six angels after all."

Luka glared at her. "I hate the way you said that so matter-of-factly."

"I don't!"

"Now listen up. Because the angel's grudges are hammered into this sword, it holds their curse. It eats away at the magic of whatever it slashes, making it hard for your opponent to maintain their form." She explained.

"… I don't get it"

"Luka, she's saying it seals monsters."

She nodded. "Good, I was worried I'd have to explain further to the idiot. Now why don't you give it a try." After that she vanished… so a monster's about to attack us.

The ground started to buckle and swell, like a mini earthquake was happening. A worm girl rose from the ground. "Do I smell the delicious scent of-"

"Oh God! You're hideous! I mean, I'm sorry, but…" I trailed off and grabbed another flask. "Still not drunk enough. My eyes have been damaged in a way that can never be repaired."

"Hey! I'm… pretty."

"No you aren't! You're a worm! Do you even have any arms?!"

"No…"

"What about your face? Do you just ram it into the dirt to move? Are your teeth all chipped away by the dirt and rock you must eat?"

"No… I travel tail first."

"And your hair! It's a mangled mess!"

"You didn't need to bring that up…"

"What do you do with your life? Is it just crawling around in the ground and hope a man walks by your subterranean pit you call a home? What do you eat? Do you just munch on dirt and bugs?"

"There was no reason to go there… Because I… I do stuff… with all my friends, sometimes."

"Good! Go bother them then! Hey! I got an idea! Go work on a farm! At least them nobody would care about you eating through their fields."

She started tearing up. "I-I'm going to get you! I'm gonna go get my friends, and- and they're so going to beat you up for this!" She dove back into the ground.

"William… that was unnecessary. I was going to seal her, but you… You don't do that!"

"Do what?" I paused. "Wait, what did I just say?"

"You insulted her and sent her running away crying!"

"Really? Doesn't sound like me… Ah dammit!" I sighed and pinched the bridge of me nose. "I just ran my mouth off the second I saw her, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. That was downright mean what you said!"

"Great… now I feel guilty. Think we could try to find her and-"

"No, I doubt we could. Let's just get going."

"Where to? I vote Happiness Village first."

"Okay, let's go east then."

***

After a while we passed by a small stream when I realized something. "Hey Luka… Alice hasn't reappeared yet."

He glanced around. "Yeah, she hasn't. I wonder why-"

"You!" A woman shouted. We both turned to look at the source.

Crawling out of the stream was a leach girl. She was human torso on a massive leech… thing. The gaping maw was filled with rows of serrated teeth, and a massive hooked tongue hung out of it. Disturbingly, it reminded me of a hagfish's mouth.

"You picked on my friend! Now, I'm going to kill you for that."

"Uh, don't you mean-"

"I mean I'm going to peel the skin off your bones and scrape your eyes down layer after layer until you're begging for death! You bastards will feel pain! Pure and simple pain!" She was slowly crawling out of the water, already ten feet of leech tail was visible.

"Holy shit she's big! Luka, running sounds like a great idea right about now!"

"N-no! I'm hero! And heroes don't run!"

Suddenly her tail burst from the water, throwing a massive rotting tree trunk at us. It shattered on the ground only a few feet away.

"Run as fast as you can! You'll only die tired! You hear me- gah, wha?!" The water around the edge of the stream started to flow over her, steadily pulling her back into the water. "What!? No! Let me go! AHH! What's happening?!" Her shrieks were silenced after being pulled under the surface.

Luka and I looked at each other. Cautiously we walked closer to the edge of the water, trying to see what happened.

A face emerged from the water. "Darling! I've hear that you've been a very naughty boy! Maybe I should punish you~." Followed by a body…

"The slime! Luka I don't know how but she found us!" I grabbed his arm and ran.

"Darling wait!" She oozed out of the water and started following us. "If you run you won't have enough energy to enjoy our honeymoon together!"

"What honeymoon?!"

"If you don't like that word, then it's really more of a celebration! I know commitment makes you nervous!"

"The hell would we be celebrating?!"

"That the world's our oyster and I'm your slime!"

 

[theBSDude]

I couldn't understand the opening at all, so I zoned out. I'll take another shot at it, but not right now.