Chapter 31: Sexy and I Know it
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
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Chapter 31: Sexy and I Know it
====
There's probably a saying out there somewhere, something about how the deeper you look into something, the worse it gets.
That's basically India, but on a mass scale.
Like no, I'm not kidding the deeper we delve into this country the worse the corruption seems to get. It's like they're purposefully mocking us half the time as the gap between the rich and the poor seems to get wider and wider despite the fact that we were getting closer to the richer parts of India.
And that's not even mentioning the fact that the 1% keeps on managing to get away from us! Some fucking how they're never here when we try to conquer the city! I'm starting to doubt that they even exist in the first place!
I have to hand it to them though, if they do exist than they're very good at being a little bitch.
"W-Why?!" Himiko surveyed the empty palace of our latest conquest, Delhi, with an incredulous look. "The Maharaja...He's gone! Again!"
"I'm starting to wonder if he's just a big joke India is playing on us." I sighed, putting a hand to my head. "We've surrounded the city before and he still managed to escape, was he even there?"
"Perhaps there is a secret passage somewhere?" Himiko mused. "Maybe they used that to escape."
"If there was someone would've discovered it when we surveyed the palaces." And may or may not have let a few angry citizens make a mess of the place, "I don't get it, is he invisible or something?!"
"It'd be much easier if they would just give up and come out to fight us already..."
A staff tapped against the ground, the jingle of metal rings signaling the arrival of Sanzou. "As long as our hearts are just, evil will never prevail on earth! It looks like it's finally my turn. Leave this to me, Hakkai."
"Alright, fine, do what you have to. I even give you permission to release the monkey king if things come down to it."
"The cruel scars left by the Maharaja... First, we must close the wound and let the people rise up! Hakkai, please gather the people in the main square. I will find the Maharaja. And have Gojyo helps you: I understand that it takes time for her broken arm to heal, but it isn't an excuse to slack off."
"Why do I have a bad feeling about this...?" Himiko muttered with dread.
====
"Right we got 'em in a square, what now?"
I swear to god if she was going to lecture them and we'd have a brainwashed army on our hands...
"Good work. You've always been good at gathering people, Hakkai." Sanzou praised me. "Goku, are you ready?"
The monkey cried in agreement.
"Heheh, well said. Then, let's start the sermon. To heal the hearts of the people and make them well again."
A few loud thumps of her staff were enough to gather the general attention. Without even taking a deep breath Sanzou began speaking with a soothing voice: "I believe that to live is to struggle... But the people in this world do not believe that there are things to struggle against-"
And that was about all I managed to hear before an instinctive fear gripped my heart and I ran as far away from the scene as possible.
When they managed to find me five hours later somewhere in a house at the very end of the city, the soldiers had bloodshot eyes and I for one smelled like literal shit. It was a bad day but apparently the Majajajaja had finally been found hiding in the civilians.
...I should listen to my gut more.
====
A week later after that nightmarish event we finally managed to make it to the final city. The final stand before we truly conquered India. We had made it to-
"Gandhara." Yoshi sighed.
"Ganandhara."
"Gandhara."
"Gandihara."
"You're doing this on purpose aren't you."
I didn't answer that question.
The city was different than the others. Situated in the mountains, most of the buildings were carved out of stones and cliff faces, with giant Buddha statues spread everywhere giving it a somber and austere feeling. While the numerous plants, rivers and waterfalls provided to the citizens' needs.
"Everyone, did you notice?" Himiko pointed out when we arrived in sight of the city. For once, the local army was waiting for us outside of it.
"The enemy movements in this city are totally different than what we're seen until now." Sun immediately pointed out. "There's such a big difference in their skill and control that it's almost as if it's an entirely different country."
"It's different from the other cities in that it's flourishing too." Nobu added. "Ashoka's city...to think it would be so different from the rest of India."
"So we can get two possibilities from this." I put a hand to my chin, "Well, maybe just one: Ashoka is a competent ruler but for various reasons cannot extended her actual reign of power to the other cities in India."
"That sounds possible." Yoshi nodded. "Still, for the Maharaja to be so incompetent without her doing anything about it..."
"Simple answer, maybe. You said that there were reports of her trying to clean up the country before it suddenly nosedived into the terrible mess it is today right?"
"Yes. All the stories agree that she initially rose as a defender of the people."
"Than we can reasonably assume that it wasn't her that caused the corruption but rather outside interference." I tilted my head, "Say, someone managed to get a secret of hers and then blackmailed her? Or maybe threatened someone close to her? That person would then be someone on the side of the Maharaja, which would mean that the Maharaja have complete power over India. With them having nothing to fear from the Empress of their country, they would naturally feel invincible and that nothing could touch them, which allowed the corruption to fester even more and with people looking to the Empress while she couldn't do anything..."
I pointed a finger behind me to the rest of India, "That. Then again, I could be wrong."
I'm always wrong whenever I seem to have a clue after all.
"It isn't outside of the realm of possibilities." Yoshi conceded, looking impressed.
"Now! The time has come to take back our freedom." Sanzou thumped her staff into the ground, eyes ablaze with religious passion. "To set right this corrupt country and return it to its original state!"
"But who's going to explain it to her?" The ponytailed girl finished, tilting her head towards Sanzou.
"Oi Sanzou!" I yelled, "A third party may have been involved in Ashoka's corruption against her own will so if that turns out to be the case you must make the one who forced her down the path of evil see the light and allow her just heart to return!"
Okay I have been spending way too much time around that women.
"Color me pleasantly surprised." Sun said. "So they don't call you the Savant of Zipang for nothing."
"Eh," I shrugged, "I haven't had any of these weird little moments since I arrived in Taika and I'm always 100% wrong so..."
Internally I was laughing but honestly yeah for once I wanted to be right.
"So you've shown yourselves." Someone called out from the other army before a figure flanked by bodyguards moved within sight. "Greetings. I am Ashoka."
She was a tan haired women with white veils on her body... and uh.
"OKAY TIMEOUT!" I crossed my arms, "YOU! WOMAN! WHAT! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?!"
"O-Oni-san!" A red-faced Himiko yelled. "Don't look! She's a pervert! A pervert has appeared! ...What little self-respect I had is fading too..."
"I've heard you were an evil group, so I've come before you can deploy some trap, but..." Her stern eyes narrowed in slight confusion. "There seem to be no signs of any ploy in the area. What cruel plan are you devising?"
"There is nothing we can do that could ever top the cruelty of what you're doing right now." I shielded my eyes, "How can we fight you if we can't even look at you? Do you even have any modesty?"
She looked even more confused. "But this is my regular formal wear..."
"That's even worse!" My voice roared across the battlefield, "Honestly is India just a country of indulgence?! What kind of sane person would willingly walk around with nothing to cover themselves up with! At least Nobu over here has the excuse of having a bad influence growing up!"
"Hey!" The pink-haired woman roared.
"You know what you're doing!" I yelled back before turning to India's Empress, "Seriously there's a giant statue of Buddha right there but the way you dress quite clearly gives off the impression that you are a women who thinks of nothing but Worldly Desires!"
"You're nothing at all like I've heard." She said with a soft tone before gasping. "Could this...already be your trap...?"
"Don't feign innocence!" Sanzou butted in. "You're the one who has trapped the people-"
"SOMEONE COVER HER MOUTH!"
Nobu and Sasaki grabbed her limbs, while Lu put a hand over her mouth. Goku seemed content to let it go without interfering for now. I'll appease my stone monkey overlord later, for now though...
"BACK ON TOPIC!" I yelled, spinning around and pointing at Ashoka, "Do you have any semblance of shame for wearing such an indecent outfit?! Do you feel no embarrassment?! Did you get someone to make you clothes and they turned out to be 'invisible'?! My faith in humanity is at stake here!"
"Thrice you've criticized my clothes. Can I ask what do you see of wrong in them?"
"Okay it's like this," A sigh escaped my lips as I thought of a way to explain it, "How would you feel if you walked around as naked as the day you were born for everyone to see?"
"I do so every morning for the purification bath in the river. There is nothing wrong with that, all the faithful citizens do the same." She stated without hesitation. "I adhere strictly to the dharma law and right all wrongs. I establish the law and protect order. Those who are just have nothing to be ashamed of."
...I took a deep breath before sighing.
"You know what? I'm done. I'm done with Himiko I'm done with Nobu I'm done with Yoshi, Done with BenBen, Done with Zipang, Done with Taika, Done with India, Done with Humanity, Done with world conquest, Done with people's stupid fucking fashion sense, done with the Earth, done with reality, done with the multiverse, BUT MOST OF ALL I AM DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING OUTFIT!!! TSUMURAGI NO TACHI!!!!!"
What would usually happen is a giant man of flame would appear.
What actually happened was that my world exploded into pain and the words DON'T BE AN IDIOT appeared in my head.
...Fine.
"Can-" I began through the pain, "Can we just schedule this whole fight until like, tomorrow or something?"
"So you can prepare your trap?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I think not. I can't trust a country that invade without a proclamation of war-"
"Hold it!" I exclaimed tiredly, "We did send one of those. I would know, I hate having to write one of those because I have to write it over and over again okay not the point. Point being that we did send one of those and it looks like you never got it so another question, what is this country like outside of this city?"
"So you only intend to compound your lies... I thought there might be a deeper reason."
A torrent of green energy, flowing upwards like an inverse waterfall, erupted around her. The ground shook, and suddenly the almost naked woman didn't look so funny anymore.
"But it appears I was mistaken."
"She just got scary all of a sudden..." Himiko pointed out the obvious.
"Himiko I literally can't find it in me to care." I declared flatly, "What's going on right now is so obvious I shouldn't even have to spell it out right now."
Her guards hold out to Ashoka two golden spinning disks, bigger than the ones I saw before and covered with fang-like blades. The weapons began to spin around her wrists. "As the ruler of the people, it is my duty to fight in their place. Face me in a fair duel if you dare, people of Zipang! Should you win, I will listen to what you have to say. But if I win, you shall leave India immediately!"
I stepped forward silently, drawing my blade. Ugh I was too tired for this bullshit...
"My name is Ashoka, Queen of India. Prepare yourself!" It was her declaration before throwing one of her disks at me. It spun so fast it was making the same sound as a buzzsaw. My hands moved before I could even register it and pretty soon I was pushing against the disk with my blade before parrying it off to the side.
The next disk was already upon me, while the one I parried flied back to Ashoka. I parried it off to the side again and watched it fly right back to the indian woman.
Huh, auto return. Okay the- Aw fuck dodge!
This time both disks swept through my former position as I frantically began a mad dash to where Ashoka stood, glowing with green energy and- No I really can't look at her!
She dropped down, closing the distance between us in a heartbeat before rising with a kick aimed at my chest. My body slipped to the side and I threw out a jab with my free hand, only for Ashoka's elbow to push it away just enough for me to miss. Her other hand rose, the disks moving into position above her palm before she swept her limb down, as if trying to split me in half.
If there's one thing I'm learning from this experience? It's that I. Hate. Martial. Artists.
Which is stupid considering I technically count as one but honestly how the hell am I supposed to beat her?!
Ugh you know what? Fine.
I ducked to one side of her palm swipe as TNT appeared on the other and with a "Rah!" we slashed with both of our swords in synch.
...Ashoka was already jumping back before I materialized TNT.
I just, come on Emiya give me a fucking break.
Her hands came together and went through a lightning-quick series of hand seals. "There is no helping it!"
A dark mist covered the area, forming menacing skulls-like shapes that seemed to curse me to death with their empty sockets. For a moment my body felt heavier, as if I suddenly lost part of my strength, before a surge of energy from within lessened the effect.
"Is uh," I glanced at the skulls, "Is this supposed to do something?"
"Has my Cursing Mudra not effect on you?" Ashoka was astonished. "I may have underestimated you!"
"No, uh, it's just Plot Armor." I muttered, "What kind of debuff was it anyways?"
"So it's a spell woven into your armor. In that case, I shall strip it off!" The disks flying into her hands Ashoka dashed forward and jumped to descend upon me like a meteor.
"Wait what the hell are you planning on- Gah!"
While the disks slammed against my and TNT's swords Ashoka's hands went to one of my pauldrons, trying to rip it out. "Ow ow ow I'm wearing that stop trying to strip me!"
In response she switched to a less covered area, delicate fingers clenching through fabric as if made of steel. As fast as I could I did the only thing I could think of!
I moved my head to bite her arm.
...I'm no cannibal but she actually tastes kinda good. And I haven't had my pill today so that's saying something.
"Kya!" Her muscles clenched, formerly soft flesh turning hard and unyielding. She pulled back, looking both surprised and embarrassed.
"Oni-san! Watch out!" Himiko cried out. "She's a shameless pervert! Don't let her touch you!"
"Grr..." I growled, glaring at her. "Don't make me bite you again!"
I will do it!
"You are persistent. So be it." Her eyes hardened. "If my Cursing Mudra does not work, then I shall dedicate all of myself to a direct attack!"
She spread her arms before clapping her palms together above her head, disks spinning around them with increased speed until they're a golden blur.
What happened next could be best summed as a beam of light shooting out of her hands before curving towards me while taking the form of a massive meteor!
"Oh fuck!" I shouted, beginning to run as far away from her as possible, "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-"
I felt the shockwave before hearing the explosion, the force lifting me up like a feather caught in a storm. Instinctual knowledge flooded my mind as my fire began to spread out over my body in the form of very familiar armor. Tsumugari no Tachi and I became one in that very moment as the meteor crashed into me.
The name of the skill reached my lips.
It could only be called…
"Go-Shintai!"
I had never felt more anime in my life and it was great.
Pure destruction washed over and around me, the protection granted by my new skill tested but unbroken. I stood, finding myself looking down on Ashoka like a giant.
Or I would if she wasn't so freakin tall. I'm only 5'5 okay?!
"You...survived." Her voice was even. "None did before, not since...Perhaps in my younger years I could have pulled through, but further violence is meaningless." Her expression softened, her spinning disks flying back to her bodyguards. "It is not my wish to bring harm to others. Zipang, I shall listen to what you have to say."
"Right, cutting past all the bullshit, first." I declared as the fire armor went away, "You're being lied to for profit."
"Eh?"
"Okay look," I waved my hand, "What do you know about the rest of India?"
"I received notice of your invasion only when your army was close to the capital."
"What? No I mean like, the general state of India."
"Can't you see this city?" Her arm gestured to Gandhara. "The laws of dharma are observed. The people are happy."
I grimace, "Ouch, it's just as bad as I thought. Okay um, look. How do I put this? Oh wait I already did: You're being lied to. Manipulated even, probably by the staff officials inside your capital. Because this city? This city is the only place like this in India. The rest of the country is a complete mess."
"A, a mess? That's not possible, I can't believe India is-"
"If I may." Sun approached us. "Queen Ashoka, did you send this response to our declaration of war?"
We actually kept that?
The tanned woman looked at the letter in shock. "This is-! ...This is indeed the seal of India. But I don't recall..."
"You don't recall because you didn't." I interrupted, "Someone in India intercepted our declaration of war and wrote a reply back in your place. Probably the same people who have kept your sights solely on Gandhara for so long. Trust me, I've been through every single one of India's cities and the amount of corruption in them is astoundingly high, hell did someone say India's crime rate was at the highest it's ever been? I kinda remember someone saying that."
"While the Maharaja are living in luxury as the please." Sun added.
"Bribery." Goku's giant hand landed next to Sun, Sanzou standing on it. "-"
"Ahahahaha!" I exclaimed, dashing up to the woman and covering her mouth, "Don't. Don't listen to her at the moment. She speaks the truth but she uh, she speaks them in ways that quite honestly leave none sane."
"The Maharaja adhere to my laws. I cannot believe they would commit crimes against the people." She insisted, but her words lacked the previous heat.
"Do you want evidence? I'll give you evidence!" Nobu declared, looking like a mess. Probably the result of dealing with a magical gorilla. "Bring them here!"
The guards brought the chained Maharaja we captured in Delhi. "They confessed after I sentenced them to Himiko's tickling punishment. I could have been merciful and just resort to hot pokers, but I was still pissed off."
"Hey!" Himiko protested.
"In other words, it's like this." Sun raised a finger. "Queen Ashoka, you are a good and honest ruler. But the Maharaja are the opposite: they discarded the law for selfish reasons and fed you false reports. They likely wrote that response to our declaration of war as well. If a war had started, and their ruler arrived in their provincial cities, their crimes would have been found out."
"Please don't try to confuse me. The Maharaja are more strict with their rules than anyone." She looked at the chained men, but they averted their gazes without saying a word. "...Why don't you speak? It can't be that what Zipang says is true...?"
"F-Forgive me!" One of them cried, the others instantly looking at him in horror.
There was a loud sound of something breaking.
"Namusan." Sanzou clapped her hands, expression severe. "It seems the demon's seal has been lifted."
"Oi how did you escape my palm?!"
"By the will of the Heavens, Hakkai."
Ashoka began to tremble, an ominous red aura erupting around her like a volcano. "Hehe, hehehe, uhahaha..." Her soft laughter sent shivers down my spine.
"F-Forgive me! Not the full course! Anything but-"
"ORAORAORAORAORA!!!"
====
"The law has been upheld." Ashoka smiled serenely even while standing in the middle of absolute carnage, the screams of the damned still echoing.
"The evil has been vanquished." Sanzou nodded. "With that, the issue is settled."
"Goddamn when you said Goku will crush our enemies you meant it literally." I muttered, "A-Anyway. It looks like we've won the war so uh we should, you know, go discuss it at a table or something. Diplomatically. Without anymore bones being crushed."
The Queen of India smiled at me. "Ruler of Zipang, you have saved this country. Allow me to express my gratitude. I believe I can entrust the people to you with peace of mind. Please do what you can to lead this country."
"Great uh, first order of business: can you please put on something that covers up your body more? Please? For my peace of mind if anything."
"I don't understand, but if you insist. Please bring me one of my reserve Sari." She told her bodyguards.
Oi Oi I can see that look of disappointment you have on your face!
A few minutes later, after changing right in front of me (which I swear I didn't look at), she was thankful decent. "...I feel so hot." She complained softly while pulling at the fabric.
"Yeah well I feel hot just looking at you in the outfit you had on previously." I retorted, turning to face her. "It's either this or me not being able to look at you."
"Is this a cultural thing? I didn't know Zipang's dressing rules are so complex."
"What? No. It's just that I'm a guy and you're a very beautiful lady." I sighed, "And I'm not even from Zipang, I still get culture clash once in a while as well."
"So it's a gender issue?" Her cheeks are slightly red, probably from the 'beautiful' comment. "Ah, but I do not want to waste your time meaninglessly. What is your response?"
"My... Response?"
"She entrusted her country to you." Yoshi whispered. "You should at least reassure her."
"Oh! Oh yes um," I coughed, "I promise, to the best of my ability, to try and make all of India as wonderful as Gandhara."
"Ashoka-san, your help would be greatly appreciated." Himiko added. "Since you did such a wonderful job here, I am sure you can fix the rest of India faster than any of us can once you find competents helpers."
"...Are you serious?" She was evidently surprised. "But I've already failed once."
"Yeah but like, who hasn't failed before?" I shrugged, "Those who try to shoot for the moon will inevitably fail but if they get back up and keep trying than they can at least land among the stars."
Ashoka was silent for a few moments before smiling again. "It was you who liberated this country from tyranny, rather than I. Allow me to ask something in return." She bowed waist-deep. "Though I lack ability, please allow me to aid you, Ruler of Zipang."
"Aw come on get up, bowing so deep for something I myself am not good in is embarrassing." I sighed, "But yes, please, please please please help because the following days are going to be a nightmare I can already tell."
"Hehe, it looks as though I'll be in high spirit if I can be by your side."
Sanzou was also laughing. "The journey to reform the world is about to start picking up again!"
Oh god she was sticking with us.
====
Notes:
Chen: WE'RE BACK BABY!
Alex: My new PC is a blast. 4k resolution, didn't even know it was possible.
Chen: In other news, I hate you all. Ashoka come on! And I though Nobu was bad...
====
There's probably a saying out there somewhere, something about how the deeper you look into something, the worse it gets.
That's basically India, but on a mass scale.
Like no, I'm not kidding the deeper we delve into this country the worse the corruption seems to get. It's like they're purposefully mocking us half the time as the gap between the rich and the poor seems to get wider and wider despite the fact that we were getting closer to the richer parts of India.
And that's not even mentioning the fact that the 1% keeps on managing to get away from us! Some fucking how they're never here when we try to conquer the city! I'm starting to doubt that they even exist in the first place!
I have to hand it to them though, if they do exist than they're very good at being a little bitch.
"W-Why?!" Himiko surveyed the empty palace of our latest conquest, Delhi, with an incredulous look. "The Maharaja...He's gone! Again!"
"I'm starting to wonder if he's just a big joke India is playing on us." I sighed, putting a hand to my head. "We've surrounded the city before and he still managed to escape, was he even there?"
"Perhaps there is a secret passage somewhere?" Himiko mused. "Maybe they used that to escape."
"If there was someone would've discovered it when we surveyed the palaces." And may or may not have let a few angry citizens make a mess of the place, "I don't get it, is he invisible or something?!"
"It'd be much easier if they would just give up and come out to fight us already..."
A staff tapped against the ground, the jingle of metal rings signaling the arrival of Sanzou. "As long as our hearts are just, evil will never prevail on earth! It looks like it's finally my turn. Leave this to me, Hakkai."
"Alright, fine, do what you have to. I even give you permission to release the monkey king if things come down to it."
"The cruel scars left by the Maharaja... First, we must close the wound and let the people rise up! Hakkai, please gather the people in the main square. I will find the Maharaja. And have Gojyo helps you: I understand that it takes time for her broken arm to heal, but it isn't an excuse to slack off."
"Why do I have a bad feeling about this...?" Himiko muttered with dread.
====
"Right we got 'em in a square, what now?"
I swear to god if she was going to lecture them and we'd have a brainwashed army on our hands...
"Good work. You've always been good at gathering people, Hakkai." Sanzou praised me. "Goku, are you ready?"
The monkey cried in agreement.
"Heheh, well said. Then, let's start the sermon. To heal the hearts of the people and make them well again."
A few loud thumps of her staff were enough to gather the general attention. Without even taking a deep breath Sanzou began speaking with a soothing voice: "I believe that to live is to struggle... But the people in this world do not believe that there are things to struggle against-"
And that was about all I managed to hear before an instinctive fear gripped my heart and I ran as far away from the scene as possible.
When they managed to find me five hours later somewhere in a house at the very end of the city, the soldiers had bloodshot eyes and I for one smelled like literal shit. It was a bad day but apparently the Majajajaja had finally been found hiding in the civilians.
...I should listen to my gut more.
====
A week later after that nightmarish event we finally managed to make it to the final city. The final stand before we truly conquered India. We had made it to-
"Gandhara." Yoshi sighed.
"Ganandhara."
"Gandhara."
"Gandihara."
"You're doing this on purpose aren't you."
I didn't answer that question.
The city was different than the others. Situated in the mountains, most of the buildings were carved out of stones and cliff faces, with giant Buddha statues spread everywhere giving it a somber and austere feeling. While the numerous plants, rivers and waterfalls provided to the citizens' needs.
"Everyone, did you notice?" Himiko pointed out when we arrived in sight of the city. For once, the local army was waiting for us outside of it.
"The enemy movements in this city are totally different than what we're seen until now." Sun immediately pointed out. "There's such a big difference in their skill and control that it's almost as if it's an entirely different country."
"It's different from the other cities in that it's flourishing too." Nobu added. "Ashoka's city...to think it would be so different from the rest of India."
"So we can get two possibilities from this." I put a hand to my chin, "Well, maybe just one: Ashoka is a competent ruler but for various reasons cannot extended her actual reign of power to the other cities in India."
"That sounds possible." Yoshi nodded. "Still, for the Maharaja to be so incompetent without her doing anything about it..."
"Simple answer, maybe. You said that there were reports of her trying to clean up the country before it suddenly nosedived into the terrible mess it is today right?"
"Yes. All the stories agree that she initially rose as a defender of the people."
"Than we can reasonably assume that it wasn't her that caused the corruption but rather outside interference." I tilted my head, "Say, someone managed to get a secret of hers and then blackmailed her? Or maybe threatened someone close to her? That person would then be someone on the side of the Maharaja, which would mean that the Maharaja have complete power over India. With them having nothing to fear from the Empress of their country, they would naturally feel invincible and that nothing could touch them, which allowed the corruption to fester even more and with people looking to the Empress while she couldn't do anything..."
I pointed a finger behind me to the rest of India, "That. Then again, I could be wrong."
I'm always wrong whenever I seem to have a clue after all.
"It isn't outside of the realm of possibilities." Yoshi conceded, looking impressed.
"Now! The time has come to take back our freedom." Sanzou thumped her staff into the ground, eyes ablaze with religious passion. "To set right this corrupt country and return it to its original state!"
"But who's going to explain it to her?" The ponytailed girl finished, tilting her head towards Sanzou.
"Oi Sanzou!" I yelled, "A third party may have been involved in Ashoka's corruption against her own will so if that turns out to be the case you must make the one who forced her down the path of evil see the light and allow her just heart to return!"
Okay I have been spending way too much time around that women.
"Color me pleasantly surprised." Sun said. "So they don't call you the Savant of Zipang for nothing."
"Eh," I shrugged, "I haven't had any of these weird little moments since I arrived in Taika and I'm always 100% wrong so..."
Internally I was laughing but honestly yeah for once I wanted to be right.
"So you've shown yourselves." Someone called out from the other army before a figure flanked by bodyguards moved within sight. "Greetings. I am Ashoka."
She was a tan haired women with white veils on her body... and uh.
"OKAY TIMEOUT!" I crossed my arms, "YOU! WOMAN! WHAT! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?!"
"O-Oni-san!" A red-faced Himiko yelled. "Don't look! She's a pervert! A pervert has appeared! ...What little self-respect I had is fading too..."
"I've heard you were an evil group, so I've come before you can deploy some trap, but..." Her stern eyes narrowed in slight confusion. "There seem to be no signs of any ploy in the area. What cruel plan are you devising?"
"There is nothing we can do that could ever top the cruelty of what you're doing right now." I shielded my eyes, "How can we fight you if we can't even look at you? Do you even have any modesty?"
She looked even more confused. "But this is my regular formal wear..."
"That's even worse!" My voice roared across the battlefield, "Honestly is India just a country of indulgence?! What kind of sane person would willingly walk around with nothing to cover themselves up with! At least Nobu over here has the excuse of having a bad influence growing up!"
"Hey!" The pink-haired woman roared.
"You know what you're doing!" I yelled back before turning to India's Empress, "Seriously there's a giant statue of Buddha right there but the way you dress quite clearly gives off the impression that you are a women who thinks of nothing but Worldly Desires!"
"You're nothing at all like I've heard." She said with a soft tone before gasping. "Could this...already be your trap...?"
"Don't feign innocence!" Sanzou butted in. "You're the one who has trapped the people-"
"SOMEONE COVER HER MOUTH!"
Nobu and Sasaki grabbed her limbs, while Lu put a hand over her mouth. Goku seemed content to let it go without interfering for now. I'll appease my stone monkey overlord later, for now though...
"BACK ON TOPIC!" I yelled, spinning around and pointing at Ashoka, "Do you have any semblance of shame for wearing such an indecent outfit?! Do you feel no embarrassment?! Did you get someone to make you clothes and they turned out to be 'invisible'?! My faith in humanity is at stake here!"
"Thrice you've criticized my clothes. Can I ask what do you see of wrong in them?"
"Okay it's like this," A sigh escaped my lips as I thought of a way to explain it, "How would you feel if you walked around as naked as the day you were born for everyone to see?"
"I do so every morning for the purification bath in the river. There is nothing wrong with that, all the faithful citizens do the same." She stated without hesitation. "I adhere strictly to the dharma law and right all wrongs. I establish the law and protect order. Those who are just have nothing to be ashamed of."
...I took a deep breath before sighing.
"You know what? I'm done. I'm done with Himiko I'm done with Nobu I'm done with Yoshi, Done with BenBen, Done with Zipang, Done with Taika, Done with India, Done with Humanity, Done with world conquest, Done with people's stupid fucking fashion sense, done with the Earth, done with reality, done with the multiverse, BUT MOST OF ALL I AM DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR STUPID FUCKING OUTFIT!!! TSUMURAGI NO TACHI!!!!!"
What would usually happen is a giant man of flame would appear.
What actually happened was that my world exploded into pain and the words DON'T BE AN IDIOT appeared in my head.
...Fine.
"Can-" I began through the pain, "Can we just schedule this whole fight until like, tomorrow or something?"
"So you can prepare your trap?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I think not. I can't trust a country that invade without a proclamation of war-"
"Hold it!" I exclaimed tiredly, "We did send one of those. I would know, I hate having to write one of those because I have to write it over and over again okay not the point. Point being that we did send one of those and it looks like you never got it so another question, what is this country like outside of this city?"
"So you only intend to compound your lies... I thought there might be a deeper reason."
A torrent of green energy, flowing upwards like an inverse waterfall, erupted around her. The ground shook, and suddenly the almost naked woman didn't look so funny anymore.
"But it appears I was mistaken."
"She just got scary all of a sudden..." Himiko pointed out the obvious.
"Himiko I literally can't find it in me to care." I declared flatly, "What's going on right now is so obvious I shouldn't even have to spell it out right now."
Her guards hold out to Ashoka two golden spinning disks, bigger than the ones I saw before and covered with fang-like blades. The weapons began to spin around her wrists. "As the ruler of the people, it is my duty to fight in their place. Face me in a fair duel if you dare, people of Zipang! Should you win, I will listen to what you have to say. But if I win, you shall leave India immediately!"
I stepped forward silently, drawing my blade. Ugh I was too tired for this bullshit...
"My name is Ashoka, Queen of India. Prepare yourself!" It was her declaration before throwing one of her disks at me. It spun so fast it was making the same sound as a buzzsaw. My hands moved before I could even register it and pretty soon I was pushing against the disk with my blade before parrying it off to the side.
The next disk was already upon me, while the one I parried flied back to Ashoka. I parried it off to the side again and watched it fly right back to the indian woman.
Huh, auto return. Okay the- Aw fuck dodge!
This time both disks swept through my former position as I frantically began a mad dash to where Ashoka stood, glowing with green energy and- No I really can't look at her!
She dropped down, closing the distance between us in a heartbeat before rising with a kick aimed at my chest. My body slipped to the side and I threw out a jab with my free hand, only for Ashoka's elbow to push it away just enough for me to miss. Her other hand rose, the disks moving into position above her palm before she swept her limb down, as if trying to split me in half.
If there's one thing I'm learning from this experience? It's that I. Hate. Martial. Artists.
Which is stupid considering I technically count as one but honestly how the hell am I supposed to beat her?!
Ugh you know what? Fine.
I ducked to one side of her palm swipe as TNT appeared on the other and with a "Rah!" we slashed with both of our swords in synch.
...Ashoka was already jumping back before I materialized TNT.
I just, come on Emiya give me a fucking break.
Her hands came together and went through a lightning-quick series of hand seals. "There is no helping it!"
A dark mist covered the area, forming menacing skulls-like shapes that seemed to curse me to death with their empty sockets. For a moment my body felt heavier, as if I suddenly lost part of my strength, before a surge of energy from within lessened the effect.
"Is uh," I glanced at the skulls, "Is this supposed to do something?"
"Has my Cursing Mudra not effect on you?" Ashoka was astonished. "I may have underestimated you!"
"No, uh, it's just Plot Armor." I muttered, "What kind of debuff was it anyways?"
"So it's a spell woven into your armor. In that case, I shall strip it off!" The disks flying into her hands Ashoka dashed forward and jumped to descend upon me like a meteor.
"Wait what the hell are you planning on- Gah!"
While the disks slammed against my and TNT's swords Ashoka's hands went to one of my pauldrons, trying to rip it out. "Ow ow ow I'm wearing that stop trying to strip me!"
In response she switched to a less covered area, delicate fingers clenching through fabric as if made of steel. As fast as I could I did the only thing I could think of!
I moved my head to bite her arm.
...I'm no cannibal but she actually tastes kinda good. And I haven't had my pill today so that's saying something.
"Kya!" Her muscles clenched, formerly soft flesh turning hard and unyielding. She pulled back, looking both surprised and embarrassed.
"Oni-san! Watch out!" Himiko cried out. "She's a shameless pervert! Don't let her touch you!"
"Grr..." I growled, glaring at her. "Don't make me bite you again!"
I will do it!
"You are persistent. So be it." Her eyes hardened. "If my Cursing Mudra does not work, then I shall dedicate all of myself to a direct attack!"
She spread her arms before clapping her palms together above her head, disks spinning around them with increased speed until they're a golden blur.
What happened next could be best summed as a beam of light shooting out of her hands before curving towards me while taking the form of a massive meteor!
"Oh fuck!" I shouted, beginning to run as far away from her as possible, "OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK-"
I felt the shockwave before hearing the explosion, the force lifting me up like a feather caught in a storm. Instinctual knowledge flooded my mind as my fire began to spread out over my body in the form of very familiar armor. Tsumugari no Tachi and I became one in that very moment as the meteor crashed into me.
The name of the skill reached my lips.
It could only be called…
"Go-Shintai!"
I had never felt more anime in my life and it was great.
Pure destruction washed over and around me, the protection granted by my new skill tested but unbroken. I stood, finding myself looking down on Ashoka like a giant.
Or I would if she wasn't so freakin tall. I'm only 5'5 okay?!
"You...survived." Her voice was even. "None did before, not since...Perhaps in my younger years I could have pulled through, but further violence is meaningless." Her expression softened, her spinning disks flying back to her bodyguards. "It is not my wish to bring harm to others. Zipang, I shall listen to what you have to say."
"Right, cutting past all the bullshit, first." I declared as the fire armor went away, "You're being lied to for profit."
"Eh?"
"Okay look," I waved my hand, "What do you know about the rest of India?"
"I received notice of your invasion only when your army was close to the capital."
"What? No I mean like, the general state of India."
"Can't you see this city?" Her arm gestured to Gandhara. "The laws of dharma are observed. The people are happy."
I grimace, "Ouch, it's just as bad as I thought. Okay um, look. How do I put this? Oh wait I already did: You're being lied to. Manipulated even, probably by the staff officials inside your capital. Because this city? This city is the only place like this in India. The rest of the country is a complete mess."
"A, a mess? That's not possible, I can't believe India is-"
"If I may." Sun approached us. "Queen Ashoka, did you send this response to our declaration of war?"
We actually kept that?
The tanned woman looked at the letter in shock. "This is-! ...This is indeed the seal of India. But I don't recall..."
"You don't recall because you didn't." I interrupted, "Someone in India intercepted our declaration of war and wrote a reply back in your place. Probably the same people who have kept your sights solely on Gandhara for so long. Trust me, I've been through every single one of India's cities and the amount of corruption in them is astoundingly high, hell did someone say India's crime rate was at the highest it's ever been? I kinda remember someone saying that."
"While the Maharaja are living in luxury as the please." Sun added.
"Bribery." Goku's giant hand landed next to Sun, Sanzou standing on it. "-"
"Ahahahaha!" I exclaimed, dashing up to the woman and covering her mouth, "Don't. Don't listen to her at the moment. She speaks the truth but she uh, she speaks them in ways that quite honestly leave none sane."
"The Maharaja adhere to my laws. I cannot believe they would commit crimes against the people." She insisted, but her words lacked the previous heat.
"Do you want evidence? I'll give you evidence!" Nobu declared, looking like a mess. Probably the result of dealing with a magical gorilla. "Bring them here!"
The guards brought the chained Maharaja we captured in Delhi. "They confessed after I sentenced them to Himiko's tickling punishment. I could have been merciful and just resort to hot pokers, but I was still pissed off."
"Hey!" Himiko protested.
"In other words, it's like this." Sun raised a finger. "Queen Ashoka, you are a good and honest ruler. But the Maharaja are the opposite: they discarded the law for selfish reasons and fed you false reports. They likely wrote that response to our declaration of war as well. If a war had started, and their ruler arrived in their provincial cities, their crimes would have been found out."
"Please don't try to confuse me. The Maharaja are more strict with their rules than anyone." She looked at the chained men, but they averted their gazes without saying a word. "...Why don't you speak? It can't be that what Zipang says is true...?"
"F-Forgive me!" One of them cried, the others instantly looking at him in horror.
There was a loud sound of something breaking.
"Namusan." Sanzou clapped her hands, expression severe. "It seems the demon's seal has been lifted."
"Oi how did you escape my palm?!"
"By the will of the Heavens, Hakkai."
Ashoka began to tremble, an ominous red aura erupting around her like a volcano. "Hehe, hehehe, uhahaha..." Her soft laughter sent shivers down my spine.
"F-Forgive me! Not the full course! Anything but-"
"ORAORAORAORAORA!!!"
====
"The law has been upheld." Ashoka smiled serenely even while standing in the middle of absolute carnage, the screams of the damned still echoing.
"The evil has been vanquished." Sanzou nodded. "With that, the issue is settled."
"Goddamn when you said Goku will crush our enemies you meant it literally." I muttered, "A-Anyway. It looks like we've won the war so uh we should, you know, go discuss it at a table or something. Diplomatically. Without anymore bones being crushed."
The Queen of India smiled at me. "Ruler of Zipang, you have saved this country. Allow me to express my gratitude. I believe I can entrust the people to you with peace of mind. Please do what you can to lead this country."
"Great uh, first order of business: can you please put on something that covers up your body more? Please? For my peace of mind if anything."
"I don't understand, but if you insist. Please bring me one of my reserve Sari." She told her bodyguards.
Oi Oi I can see that look of disappointment you have on your face!
A few minutes later, after changing right in front of me (which I swear I didn't look at), she was thankful decent. "...I feel so hot." She complained softly while pulling at the fabric.
"Yeah well I feel hot just looking at you in the outfit you had on previously." I retorted, turning to face her. "It's either this or me not being able to look at you."
"Is this a cultural thing? I didn't know Zipang's dressing rules are so complex."
"What? No. It's just that I'm a guy and you're a very beautiful lady." I sighed, "And I'm not even from Zipang, I still get culture clash once in a while as well."
"So it's a gender issue?" Her cheeks are slightly red, probably from the 'beautiful' comment. "Ah, but I do not want to waste your time meaninglessly. What is your response?"
"My... Response?"
"She entrusted her country to you." Yoshi whispered. "You should at least reassure her."
"Oh! Oh yes um," I coughed, "I promise, to the best of my ability, to try and make all of India as wonderful as Gandhara."
"Ashoka-san, your help would be greatly appreciated." Himiko added. "Since you did such a wonderful job here, I am sure you can fix the rest of India faster than any of us can once you find competents helpers."
"...Are you serious?" She was evidently surprised. "But I've already failed once."
"Yeah but like, who hasn't failed before?" I shrugged, "Those who try to shoot for the moon will inevitably fail but if they get back up and keep trying than they can at least land among the stars."
Ashoka was silent for a few moments before smiling again. "It was you who liberated this country from tyranny, rather than I. Allow me to ask something in return." She bowed waist-deep. "Though I lack ability, please allow me to aid you, Ruler of Zipang."
"Aw come on get up, bowing so deep for something I myself am not good in is embarrassing." I sighed, "But yes, please, please please please help because the following days are going to be a nightmare I can already tell."
"Hehe, it looks as though I'll be in high spirit if I can be by your side."
Sanzou was also laughing. "The journey to reform the world is about to start picking up again!"
Oh god she was sticking with us.
====
Notes:
Chen: WE'RE BACK BABY!
Alex: My new PC is a blast. 4k resolution, didn't even know it was possible.
Chen: In other news, I hate you all. Ashoka come on! And I though Nobu was bad...