My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)

[EvaUnit01]

The following thought has occurred to me.

By capturing Lu Bu you have deprived Sun of her reliable, predictable, blunt instrument of a trump card.

Sun Zu, the glorious strategist is going to have to get tricky to deal with you.

Click to shrink...

Eh, just keep spreading rumors about the Empress's ill health, and you can run Sun ragged.

Because, yes, maybe the Empress is perfectly fine and Chen is trolling..... but what if? What if the reports aren't enemy propaganda and subterfuge, but a legitimate national crisis?

Is that a gamble that Sun is willing to take? (I'm betting on an answer somewhere between "No" and "Oh HELL No")

 

[Kakanma]

Eh, just keep spreading rumors about the Empress's ill health, and you can run Sun ragged.

Because, yes, maybe the Empress is perfectly fine and Chen is trolling..... but what if? What if the reports aren't enemy propaganda and subterfuge, but a legitimate national crisis?

Is that a gamble that Sun is willing to take? (I'm betting on an answer somewhere between "No" and "Oh HELL No")

Click to shrink...

Ah but don't forget that Sun is a STRATEGIST, fighting on the front line isn't her style.

Your probably going to start seeing broken bridges, ruptured dams, and burned fields has Sun makes your march on the nation has hard has physically possible.

Spoiler: Not for Neko

The raw difference between in game Sun and the badass we're making her out to be is amazing.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

On a more serious note, that gunshot into her left shoulder could actually do some damage to her figthing performance. Not much, but still.

Click to shrink...

......and, holy crap, that right there is actually a legitimate narrative excuse for Redemption Demotion.

Click to shrink...

Well I mean, we have healers on hand but since I have no idea how the fuck that works (Is it even Brave?!) you might be right.

Ah but don't forget that Sun is a STRATEGIST, fighting on the front line isn't her style.

Your probably going to start seeing broken bridges, ruptured dams, and burned fields has Sun makes your march on the nation has hard has physically possible.

Click to shrink...

Let me tell you a story.

So I'm sitting here, writing up the next chapter with Alex when I hear the cry of a cat at the door to my room. I opened the door to my room only to find nothing so I go and sit back down when suddenly out comes an entire squad of Taika troops from behind my laptop.I don't understand what's happening nor how it was possible, it must've taken a tactical geniu- SUN TZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!

I regret nothing and I'll keep making these jokes until they stop being funny.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

I don't Romance of the Three Kingdoms (or Dynasty Warriors outside of the Japan spinoff) or anything else Feudal China, but Nasu tells me just enough that I still agree with that sentiment.

Click to shrink...

Well, *Puts on chinese Historian hat* I might not know as much as Leingod, but I can give a brief rundown on Lu Bu's history.

Spoiler: Spoilered because Holy Shit it's prejudicial

Lu Bu Fengxian is well known for being a monster in a fight, but well. His historical reputation for betrayals is not undeserved.

Right, to summarize, the historical Lu Bu killed his original dad for Red Hare (a really good horse Guan Yu was gifted with after Lu Bu bought the farm), killed his adoptive dad for Diao Chan (a concubine his adoptive dad also really liked. Love triangles man.), took shelter on Yuan Shu's side, stole a province from Liu Bei, fought Yuan Shu on Cao Cao's side, then fought Cao Cao on Yuan Shu's side.

There's a good reason why Cao Cao had Lu Bu executed after he surrendered after the siege of Xia Pi despite him promising to work for Cao Cao.

And well, Lu Bu's rep for not being the brightest of military minds does have a good footing on history/ROTK too. Guy is a maginifcent fighter, but great general he is not.

So you can understand my thought at a Loyal Lu Bu.


Also, Chen, I admit some suprise in that I don't see any lines along the lines of 'Sun Tzu you magnificent bastard, I read your book!'

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Also, Chen, I admit some suprise in that I don't see any lines along the lines of 'Sun Tzu you magnificent bastard, I read your book!'

Click to shrink...

Well that would require me to actually read her book.

 

[Alexander]

Chapter 25: Whiplash

====

I wasn't much involved in the aftermath of the battle. It hurt too much to think straight. Himiko and her healers ended up working overtime to manage all the wounded on both sides: last I heard she was falling asleep in the most unlikely places.

Also, somehow I ended up with both Lancelot and Lu Bu as bed neighbors within the infirmary. Currently, they were filling their stomachs with large amount of food, an impressively tall pile of empty plates sitting in front of them.

"Why." I stared wide eyed as they finished another dish. "Why."

I mean, I couldn't blame them. The food here was heavenly, especially the Dim Sum my god, but still even I could only eat so much.

...I said as I took another bite from my own plate.

Hey it was not my fault I was stuck actually eating food instead of inhaling it.

"I'm always hungry after a good workout." Lu Bu, who had her left arm in a sling, stabbed a carving fork into a dumpling as big as my head and stuffed it into her mouth. Tried anyway: it got struck after one quarter went inside, and she began chewing without removing it.

"The food here is sooo good!" Lancelot exclaimed dreamily while devouring at a quick pace many different dishes made with Shanghai's fishes. And cows. And ducks. And frogs. And-

"Christ that is a lot of grease." I mumbled. "You know you'd think they'd run out of food at this point. Hey Lu- Er, Bu, whatever, you think Taika has a food supply just for you? Because if so that'd explain a lot."

"Mh, maybe? That sounds like something Sun would do." She replied after swallowing. "I never had to wait long when asking for food. Last year Shin and Sun worked a lot to improve the country in that regard, and this year we had a good harvest everywhere."

"I see…" I nodded. "Lancelot. Go."

"The ingredients used for those delicacies are definitely high quality. I can guarantee it. Take for example those hunan cumin ribs." Chomp "So tender." Chomp "Sweetly braised in soy sauce." Chomp "All bones carefully removed without ruining the shape." Chomp "The onion, the cinnamon - oh, the Shoaxing wine!" Chomp

Without even realizing she finished all the ribs already her hand reached out, found nothing and continued towards my own plates.

"Hahaha- NO." I declared as her hand instantly found itself inches away from the sharp end of my fork. "I haven't tasted food like this in months and I swear Lancelot that if you so much as take a fraction of a bite into one of my dishes there will be nothing, be it on heaven or earth, that'll stop me from making your life a living hell. I will have Tama use all of her resources to dedicate replacing everything you eat with nuts for months- No wait, years. Everything you eat will be nuts, no meat, no protein, nuts. Even when you're celebrating victory with a feast, nuts. When you're mourning the death of a loved one, nuts. Even when you die and the old lady on the bridge offers you soup, when you bring your lips to drink it all you will find is nuts. It will be Nut Hell all over again, but this time the ride will never end. Not in this life, nor the next. So go ahead, try to take a bite out of my food. Do you understand?"

She understood. I think.

Then I looked closer and realized that the glazed look in her eyes and the hanging open mouth was due to her having fainted on the spot from sheer fear.

"...Well shit." I mumbled before blinking and turning to Lu. "You know, some part of me always wanted to cause someone to faint before but this is not how I expected it to happen."

"People fainted all the time when I started going through walls when I was in a hurry. They eventually got used to it." Lu nodded. "Still, that was impressive. Is Zipang food so bad? Taike food is amazing, but I don't know much about dishes from other countries."

"My dad's side of the family was from Taika." I shrugged. "From my earliest memories we'd go out and eat Dim Sum pretty regularly. We did it less regularly before I arrived in Zipang and it's been months since that happened. And… honestly you guys have some really good cooks here."

"Now see here! If you are a fellow countryman you should have said so from the beginning!" She enthusiastically slapped my shoulder while laughing. "Ah, but don't get me wrong. Taika, Zipang...it's all the same. What's important is your spirit, and yours impressed me alright!"

"Actually I don't even have a drop of Zipang blood in me." Right let's see… "I was born and raised in America and so was my mom and my dad was raised in Hong Kong so there's that but I know my grandpa was from standard Taika so there's that. Honestly I don't really know my family history that well, at best I vaguely remember my father's side and all I can recall is something about fire and being expelled from the clan or something. I'm not entirely sure."

Heh, maybe it's just because I'm in Taika that I'm reminiscing, I never really knew much about my family now that I think about it…

"Excuse me." The door opened and Tama entered. "My Lord, I have a message from Lady Yoshitsune. She would like to know which path we should take to reach Chang'an."

I looked at Lu Bu with a silly smile on my face. "You got any suggestions? Eh? Eh?"

"Woah there. I already said I won't talk." Lu smiled knowingly.

"Well, there are only two real choices." Tama began to explain. "We can go towards Beijing: it's the only city before Chang'an, but we will have to cross the Huang He River twice. Or we can go towards Yueyang: after that there is Chengdu and finally the capital. Both cities can be easily defended, but the march to and from Beijing presents its own difficulties."

"And what do you think is best?" I asked the young women. "You are my cartographer and information gatherer after all."

"Mh, if you ask me...the Yueyang-Chengdu route will be easier on our soldiers and supply lines. But we will need to conquer both cities first to avoid being attacked on two fronts."

"Mmm." I nodded. "...You know what I'm thinking?"

"Forgive me, I don't." She immediately replied.

I sighed. "Honestly I have no clue. Go discuss it with the others, I'll do that."

Pfft do I look like a good leader?

====

In the end everyone decided to take the Yueyang-Chengdu route. Yoshi thought that it was the sensible choice.

In a sense, it was. That was how Sun Tzu predicted our decision and made sure to disseminate the route with all possible tricks in the book (she wrote). I mean, I didn't have proof she was the one behind it but who else would do things like evacuating the cities of every civilian and single scrap of food before our arrival, then after we settled into said city organizing sneak attacks using the town's layout against us, taking care to target our supplies first? What about the destroyed bridges that forced us to trek through a marsh full of leeches, or when a dam was destroyed and flooded the camp we just set up? Or the multiple and contradicting sightings of Taika troops basically everywhere, which forced us to focus our attention everywhere without rest due to paranoia?

I was starting to hate that green haired minx.

As we finally reached the capital I was more like the person I was before I arrived then after. Hungry, soggy (don't ask), and suffering from hours of little sleep, I was ready to just burn the entire world down if it meant I could get some rest.

Oh and did I mention that it was currently rainy? I'm sure that it was Sun Tzu's fault as well, I'm not sure how but I know she did it.

"Hueee...I wanna go home..." Himiko piteously cried while wrapping the rain tarp around herself even closer.

"SUN TZUUUUUUU!!" Nobu was roaring to the sky, Brave-induced flames coming out of her mouth. "I! WILL! KILL! YOU!!!"

"Wooow. Sun really went all out." Lu Bu commented cheerfully. While we were plagued by misfortune she instead always received mysterious packages full of food, clean clothes and other necessities. Even now she was protecting herself with an umbrella delivered right before it started raining. "Ah, but good work on resisting until now. We're finally back at Chang'an: the last obstacle...and the hardest."

"I'm gonna burn this city to the ground." I muttered darkly. "So… So fucking tired."

"Find within yourselves the strength for a last effort." Yoshi pointed forwards. "There. Chang'an: the last step."

"For now." I muttered. "Who knows what kind of hell Sun Tzu will put on us if we win."

"Let's catch her, toss her in a cell and throw away the key." Himiko mumbled with a large amount of resentment. "No, let's work her to the bone, with tickle torture instead of sleep!"

I turned around and stared at Himiko. "Only you would actually tickle torture an enemy."

She preened, evidently taking it as a compliment. The effect was ruined by her miserable state though.

"Focus." Yoshi suggested, so we went back to observe Chang'an.

Or rather, the 8-10 meters tall wall surrounding it that continued on both sides for what felt like forever, but I hoped it was just the rain messing with the general visibility. The wall was thick enough that even using TNT it would probably take me hours to blow a hole in it, and on the top rows upon rows of archers were standing on the ready.

The rest of the Taika army was waiting outside, right before the large, and obviously closed, gate.

Fire…. Fire… I wanted to burn this place to the ground so damn much...

"Okay!" I exclaimed, hitting my fist to my chest to pump myself up. "Game plan! ...Yoshi what's the game plan."

"KILL THEM ALL!!!" Nobu howled.

"Ignore her." Yoshi sighed while patting BenBen's head, who was using a giant umbrella to protect both of them from the rain. "I would really like to let the soldiers rest, even if under those conditions, but I don't think the Taika would - a messenger?"

Sure enough a man on horseback approached us while waving a white flag. We let him approach, and once within speaking distance he stopped and held out a sealed scroll. "A message from Lady Sun Tzu for the Leader of Zipang!"

"Is it a trap?" I said automatically. "It's probably a trap, everyone brace yourself."

"He waved the white flag of parley, there is no way a strategist of the caliber of Sun Tzu would dishonor herself by breaking the rules of war." Yoshi replied before sending a soldier to retrieve the letter. Once he returned the man held out the letter to me.

Right let's see here…

"Can you wait until it stops raining until before attacking? I don't want Shi to get a cold."

-Sun Tzu

"...Fair enough." I sighed. "Alright break time everybody! We got until the rain stops to rest up before the battle!"

"What?" Yoshi took the letter and read it too. "...Alright, we would be fools to decline. Tell Lady Sun Tzu we accept." She told the Taika soldier, who nodded before galloping back to his own army.

====

"Can you tell me…" Nobu's eyes widened and her voice rose. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALL SITTING AROUND ME?!"

"We can't make a bonfire." Yoshi replied while sitting in a meditating pose. "And you're warm."

"Shh," I whispered as I put a hand on her skin. "Just let it happen."

She tried to punch me in the face and I instantly turned my head before scooting away. "Oh come on! It's fucking cold out here!"

"YOU CAN FREEZE FOR ALL I CARE!" She waved her fist.

"My, my. No need to get so worked up." Sei poured herself a cup of saké. "There is nothing better to warm yourself than a good saké."

"Alcohol hinders the study of the sword." Sasaki stoically replied, sitting down in the same position as Yoshi. "To withstand the cold you must train your body."

"I-" Maragi sneezed. "I may...be used too much to the heat of the forge." Another sneeze.

"Oden…" Lancelot chanted, her eyes glazed over. "Oden…"

"Warm…" BenBen muttered, curled behind Nobu's back.

"I lived in a cardboard box for over a year." Tama proclaimed. "This much is nothing."

"A hot bath. A hot bath. I want a hot bath." Himiko repeated, standing close to Nobu but not quite touching her.

And I had to conquer the world with those guys?

...I blinked as something clicked in my head. My eyes scanning over the hand that was just touching the pink haired woman's skin a few moments ago before turning to Lancelot. "You know, I really need to ask this. Hey Lancelot, is it fashion in Europe to go walking around in your underwear?"

"Fuah?" The sudden question startled her, but she recovered quickly. "Uhm, I don't know about fashion, but Tristan and Balin always have their panties on display. Talking about Balin, I wonder where she is: I haven't see her in a while…"

I paused as I let that statement phase through me before rigidly turning back to Nobu. "Oh… Oh my god you were telling the truth."

And now I can't get that image out of my head. Hawawawawa….

"Did you really think I would sunk so low as to lie about something inconsequential like that?" She scoffed, face still set into a scowl.

"I-I think I got it." I mumbled, looking up to the sky. "The thing that's wrong about this world isn't the war, the pain, or the suffering. It's everyone's terrible fashion sense. Why, why would you ever go out in your underwear in Britannia do you know how much it fucking rains there? I-I don't, I can't even, Sei. Seiiiiii helppppppp."

"Mmmh?" She finished her cup before answering with an impish smile. "If a woman is confident enough in her body, why not let her show it as much as she cares?"

"With your underwear on display, uh? A bit much for me, but it sounds like easy to move around." Lu tugged at her own clothes. "That's why I wear modified Qipao. Oh, I also like dragon designs, that's why."

"...A guy just can't get any leeway here can he?" I sighed, and for some reason I felt like the entire male population of the Zipang army sighed with me. "Y-You people are going to drive me nuts. Yoshi you are my final hope please tell me you have some sanity in you."

"It is true that a woman should at least cover herself with a shirt." She opened her eyes, previously closed in concentration. "But obviously, the customs between Zipang and Europe are different. So it's not my place to criticize."

"T-That's not the point fucking- I- Come on- It's like you people have never gotten the talk in your life." I groaned, "Christ am I the only one here to have gone through puberty? Are we all just inexperience losers here? What am I even saying at this point of course we are."

"How adorable." Sei cooed, a knowing grin on her face. "Should this big sister rub your head and tell you everything will be better in a couple of years?"

The others' reactions went from uncomprehending to amused, and even embarrassment and calm acceptance.

"What's puberty?" Benben asked.

Silence descended upon the camp ground as even the soldiers who were passively watching in amusement got turned to stone.

And then the moment passed and all hell broke loose.

"W-Well you see...Oh Gods what do I say now?!"

"That will be covered in another lesson Benkei! Don't ask about it until I say it's alright!"

"It's when a boy or a girl-Ouch! Why did you hit me?!"

"Oh would you look at the time!" I yelled, standing up all of a sudden. "I think Kusanagi's starting to rust from all this rain! Can't have that before the battle! Maragi come help me… as far away from here as possible."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY!"

====

I was actually glad when the rain finally went away and the time for battle had come.

We were all well rested, well fed, and ready for anything Taika could throw at us!

...Physically that is. Mentally we were all dead inside except for BenBen, who just switched between confusion and excitement as she watched us running around like chickens without their heads. Sasaki also looked fine, but I wouldn't put past her to just have a good poker face.

"The situation is the same as before, but now we're back to full strength." Yoshi declared. "As of now, our only option is to push through and enter the city before capturing Qin Shi Huang. The Taika Empire is too large for a complete occupation. We must force them to surrender."

"Just the way I like it!" The grin on Nobu's face would put a shark to shame. "Hit fast, hard and as long as you can!"

"It sounds simple but- Wait." I began, only to stop as Taika's troops began marching towards us. "What the fuck are they doing?"

After reducing the distance between us they suddenly stopped advancing and moved to create large corridors in their formation. It was like...they were making way for something to pass through.

My initial thought, a cavalry charge, was squashed by a rhythmic pounding

And then, they came in. Men of stone, with glowing green eyes that all moved as one unit. Their presence shook the earth with every step they took as they slowly ascended towards us with no sound coming out of their mouth beyond the thumping of stone against earth.

"...Terracotta." I whispered in awe before I suddenly realized the second purpose behind the break yesterday. "SUN TZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah. Shi must be feeling well today to be able to use those." Lu casually commented.

"WHAT ARE THOSE?!" Himiko screamed.

"Some kind of magical dolls Shi's ancestors made to defend the capital or something, I didn't understand much when she explained it."

Okay, okay. I can deal with this.

"Sei." I snapped my fingers, "Boom."

"That's fine, but-" She began as Maragi provided her the necessary Brave. "With how many there are, and still coming, I can't catch all of them in the first blast."

"I don't know how strong they are compared to regular soldiers, but with those numbers they will be able to grind us down." Yoshi raised her arm. "Everyone! Fight like your life depend on it, and when you can use your techniques with the largest range! We need to destroy them as quickly as possible!"

Our troops gave a loud cheer before charging at the advancing army of terracotta soldiers.

So, lesson one on fighting men completely made of stone!

They're made of stone.

Fire doesn't exactly burn stone the way it burns people.

And because I literally don't have any other long range technique in my arsenal, guess who had to go up to the stone soldiers and fight them head on!

That's right, this guy!

...They're even more intimidating up close I'll give them that.

"OH GOD OH GOD- DIE!!!" I yelled as TNT bursted into existence and slammed it's fist into another stone soldier's chest, causing it to stumble backwards before crumbling from the pressure. "THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

"Calm yourself Miyafuji-dono." With a series of lightning-fast strikes the arms and heads of the soldiers around me separated from the rest of the bodies, causing them to fall down and stop moving. Sasaki stepped next to me, one hand gliding down her sword's surface. "They are naught but empty puppets. Aim at the joints and the neck, it's enough to fell them with minimal effort." She glanced at her blade and frowned. "Even if cutting through hardened clay is bad for the edge."

"Uh, Sasaki?" I began as I attempted to slice another soldier's neck. I had to push Kusanagi through in order to get to the other side but eventually the enemies head crashed into the dirt. "Maybe you're just better at this sword thing then me but not all people can cut through these things with ease!"

"Nonsense. It's all a question of training hard enough." With another strike four heads were sent flying. "For now, why not just have your fire warrior punch them? It also seems effective."

Another explosion rang out across the battlefield. "I unno, it seems a bit slow compared to the numbers of enemies out here."

Meanwhile…

"WILD SCRATCH!" Wearing a pair of oversize metal claws over her usual gauntlets Ben was running around while scratching at the enemy like a cat. Of course, since each claw was one foot of cold, hard steel it ended in terracotta soldiers being hacked to pieces.

"I don't believe you can understand my words. Even then, I shall show no mercy." Yoshi slowly said as the clay soldiers surrounded her. She was resting the tip of her sword on the ground, one foot set in front of the other, while the glow from a circle of pink energy with her at the center increased at each passing second. "Yoshitsune...Senbonzakura."

The next moment Yoshi split into a dozen copies that struck at her opponents simultaneously, a flurry of pink petals twirling around them. I…

I…

"OKAY HOLD UP!" I shouted over the battlefield. "WHERE THE FUCK WAS THAT WHEN WE FOUGHT LU BU?!"

"If I may express my humble opinion-" A terracotta soldier suddenly shattered, revealing Maragi standing behind. "The techniques currently used by Benkei-dono and Yoshitsune-dono sacrifice offensive power for a larger range. They would have been unsuited to use against a single strong opponent like Lu Bu-dono."

"BenBen is literally just scratching the enemy! Actually, I think this is the first time I've seen them use Brave ever." I groaned. "Ugh, I spent a week in the infirmary with Lu Bu, let me just be angry for a sec."

Wait… Techniques… Angry…

Goddammit I had completely forgotten where TNT had come from! I was so focused on using it like that… ugh nevermind!

"I am an idiot!" I hit myself in the face real quick before staring at the many many terracotta soilders in front of me. "Okay now I know how to take you guys on! TSUMUGARI NO TACHI!"

I admit, I laughed my ass off as what was once a human sized being of flames bursted into a giant ten times its size, looming down over the unfeeling warriors like an executioner. "Now I'm ready."

Tsumugari no Tachi was the technique used by Yamato the Army Slayer. not the Warrior Slayer.

And boy, was the rest of the battle cathartic.

====

After the terracotta army was wiped out and a brief skirmish with the rest of the blood-and-flesh soldiers Taika was quick to surrender, likely realizing their chances of victory were slim. Neither Qin Shi Huang nor Sun Tzu were in sight, so Lu Bu offered to lead us to the imperial palace.

"Man, what a drag! I can't believe we lost." Despite her words Lu was as cheerful as ever. "Great battle though. Say Chen-kun, what's gonna happen to Shi, Sun and me?"

"O-Okay. So, we-we're gonna find Sun, and we're gonna like. Tickle the shit out of her." I nodded. "Have I mentioned I'm feeling great? 'Cause I am."

"Yes." Nobu growled. "You've said that five times already."

"I can guarantee you the safety of both soldiers and civilians." Yoshi told Lu. "For the details, it would be best to discuss them with everyone present."

"Fair enough. Here we are." Reaching a large set of doors Lu opened them with only one arm. "Shi! Sun! I'm-AAAAHH! SHIII!!!"

There's a moment in time when against all odds, life will find a way to crash your good mood. In fiction, it comes with a phrase like "I have a bad feeling about this." Or some bullshit about the weather before things go wrong.

Reality was different. In reality, it could happen at any moment. It was that lesson I learned today as the cruel demon known as fear gripped my heart.

I couldn't tell you about the palace or anything else. All I could see was the red, red which was splattered all over the floor and dyed the once beautiful palace in it's dark, gritty color.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the cause of all my misery in Taika wobbling around the throne room, her eyes widened as if her brain had stopped functioning. But the one who really took the spotlight was a young girl in an oversized robe slumped over a column.

A sense of Deja Vu hit me as my body took a tiny step into the room before I finally came to my senses. "W-What the hell?!"

"Eyaaahhh!!" Himiko screamed. "I, i, i, it's a bloodbath! Red all over! What on earth happened!?"

"SHIIIIN!" Lu ran to the slumped girl's side.

"Aha… ahahaha…… We've lost!.... We've lost!" Sun giggled miserably.

"A military strategist in awe, a bloody emperor… A suicide born from despair…" Himiko continued. "How horrible… If we were only a little faster, this tragedy could have been avoided…"

"SHI!" Lu lifted what I was now sure was the famous Qin Shi Huang in the air and shook her. "Talk to me! Shi!"

With a gasp Shi opened her eyes. "Lu…? Oh, you're alright…"

"Kyaah! She's a zombie!" Himiko screamed before fainting.

"Please...someone...water…" Shi asked before coughing some more blood.

"Water coming right away!" Lu ran deeper into the palace. "Man, that's one nasty episode you had Shi. Don't worry, some rest and you will feel better than ever!"

"....What just happened?" Nobu asked.

"Not the worst case scenario." I replied dumbly. "Uh, hey, Sun. What the fuck?"

"Aha….ahahaha…" Sadly she was still out of it.

"Maybe we should give them time to recover?" Yoshi offered, even she looking unsure how to react.

"No… I got this." I mumbled as I walked over to the green haired girl with the most severe feeling of whiplash I had ever felt.

Then I whacked her in the head. "Uwah?!"

"Pull yourself together!" I declared. "And while I'm at it…. Lancelot!"

"'Kay."

The sound of two more whacks sounded throughout the room as I shook my head in pain. "Right where was I… Pull yourself together woman!"

"Guyaaah! Stop hitting me!" Sun held her aching head. "Ah, you're the Servant of Heaven-" Then she noticed the blood. "WAAAAAHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SHI?! YOU FIEND!!!"

"Dumbass!" I shouted back as I began to actually figure out what the fuck was going on. "You were so out of it because of one measly loss that you completely ignored the fact that your emperor coughed out all that blood right in front of you!"

I glanced idly at the blood puddle. "By the way did she really cough out all that? Christ what does she even have."

I'm starting to see why Nobu could so easily start a rumor that she collapsed somewhere.

"Shi did-?! Shi has a weak constitution, she gets sick easily!!" She frantically looked around. "Where is she?!"

"That way. With Lu Bu." Ben pointed.

Sun immediately away, screaming "SHIII!!" all the while.

"I thought I had it rough, but here in Taika it's not much better." Nobu sighed.

"Nobu, I gave up on sanity after learning that you people walk around in your underwear and see nothing wrong with it."

====

It took some time before Shi was no longer on death's door. At least, when we sat down on the negotiation table and she immediately started coughing it was just air and not blood that came out of her mouth.

"How are you even still alive." I couldn't help but marvel. "Like holy crap are you sick."

"Please don't worry about me…" She said with a low, gentle voice. "I will be alright..."

She coughed again.

"I'd, uh." My eyes glanced to the table. "I'd offer to do this another day but my gut tells me this is the best I'm gonna get."

"Shi, Shi. Sorry, I should have refused when you offered to activate the Terracotta Army." Sun apologized. "I can take your place in the negotiations…"

"No, as the ruler of this country, I must carry out my duty…" She looked at me. "If you would listen, I have something to ask of you."

"Hit me." I stated automatically before coughing,."Right sorry, that saying isn't used here. what's the matter?"

"It is but a humble request from a defeated general, but please allow the people to continue living as they have done in the past." She lowered her gaze. "In return, I would give my life to do with it as you will…"

"...Christ." I sighed, putting a hand to my face. "Why do people keep thinking that we're going to like, plunder the ever loving shit out of their lands after we win?"

"Ah...Uh, it's a well-founded fear?" She hesitantly replied. "Even if what I have heard of the Servant of Heaven suggests nothing like that, I…" She coughed. "I must do everything I can...to make sure the people of Taika are happy…"

"I…" I raised a finger before lowering it. "I'm morbidly curious, what have you heard about me considering the last person who heard about me through the rumors and stuff…"

I shivered. "Yeah! Let's not talk about her!"

"Mostly about how the Servant of Heaven that unified Zipang in record time was a young but very talented warrior." Sun answered for Shi. "Prone to say and do very confusing things even in the middle of battle, love to set things on fire and is extremely picky about his food."

"I don't love to set things on fire." I groaned. "Whoever started that I'm going to set on fire. ...That's a joke."

"Ah...Sorry. I shouldn't make assumptions." She began to nervously fiddle with her fingers. "U-Uhm, your answer?"

"Relax, you guys'll be fine." My hand waved. "We won't be like, oppressing you guys with an iron first or something. I mean, there might be some changes but that's to be expected."

"T-Thank you…" She coughed. "Then...my life is…" She coughed again.

"Shi! Shi!" Sun panicked. "I told you to not force yourself! Hold on for a little more, I sent Lu to find the last jar of your medicine. Soon you will feel better."

As if on cue the redhead bursted through the wall like the goddamn kool-aid man, a jar under her not-injured arm. "Shi! I found your medicine! Sorry for the delay, I forgot where I put it and had to search through the entire warehouse before finding it."

"Ah...the wall, again…"

"Hey Lu." I called out. "I hear there's this invention that could really help you out."

"Oh?" She placed the jar on the table. "What is it? What is it?"

"They are called!" My arms jumped up widely before gesturing to the original entrance to the room and whispering in a shocked tone. "Doors."

"Don't bother." Sun said with a tired tone. "I lost count of the number of times I told her the same thing."

"Thank you so much, Lu. You finally found my medici-" Shi coughed. "I'll feel better if I just-" She coughed even harder, blood dripping down her chin.

"G-G-Go drink it right away!" Himiko yelled in fright. "There's blood dripping from your mouth!"

"T-Thank you...Then for the time being, I will take my medicine…"

"Eeeh.." Lancelot sounded skeptical. "You're going to drink that even though it's not good for you?"

"What." I blinked, turning to the brown haired girl. "Wha- Ooooh. It's one of those sketchy Taika medicines isn't it."
"Eh…?" Shi looked confused.

"Don't know." Lancelot took a long sniff off the jar. "But I think it's the same as something I tasted before. I think it contained an ingredient called… mercury, was it?"

My mouth dropped. "Are you saying that she has Mercury poisoning?!"

"P-Poison…!?"

Lancelot removed the jar's covering and looked inside. "Ah, so it was. This silver color and smell, it's the same. When I drank it before my stomach started to ache, so I remember it well."

"O-Oh shit." I whispered. "Someone call in a physician! Or- I unno, Sei! Just call whoever you know! She needs to be examined ASAP! And don't let her drink any more of that stuff!"

"P-P-Poison?!" Sun looked like she was having a seizure. "But then, the peddler that sold us the medicine... AAAH! FRAUD! ASSASSINATION! My poor Shi!"

"That...explained why it wasn't effective. But to think...it was poiso..poi…"

Shi coughed a large amount of blood, splattering the table red, before collapsing.

"Crap!" I exclaimed, jumping up from my seat and grabbing the poor girl's shoulders. "Someone help me get her to the infirmary!"

"Leave it to me!" While I still had Shi in my arms Lu picked me up with only one hand, like a waiter with a plate, and shot straight through the hole in the wall.

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY HELPING!"

"No time to complain!"

...Huh. So she did know what doors were after all.

====

After the fight:

Chen: I just realized.

Chen: Sun Tzu didn't win because she didn't follow "Know your enemy" because the enemy didn't remember himself.

Chen: That is like.

Chen: The most inverted version of the saying ever.

After the end of this chapter:

Chen: Goddammit this game cannot decide on a tone at all can it. You enter a blood splattered room! You thought it was a tragedy? Well psyche, it was actually a comedy!

Chen: Well here's something for you Eiyuu Senki.

Chen: No one's fucking laughing.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Spoiler: Wait is this a spoiler

Ah, poor Qin Shi Huang. Doomed to cough blood like a really bloody pinata. At least Eiyuu Senki cranked the sickness aspect of the historical Qin Shi Huang up instead of their other notable traits.

Like their sheer ambition and ruthlessness to conquer the whole of the Middle Kingdom, building the first incarnation of the Great Wall with forced-until-you-die labour, burning books of any language that is not what would become Chinese, and generally being a really ruthless Emperor whose realm fell apart after he kicked it. It was the Han Dynasty afterwards that became prosperous, and we all know how the Han ended. (In ROTK)

Oh, yes, and the really fancy tomb QSH had made for themself. And the Terracotta army. That too.

(And yes, the historical QSH did drink mercury-based medicine for immortality) Mystics, mang.

Spoiler check, Alexander

 

[Winged One]

"O-Oh shit." I whispered. "Someone call in a physician! Or- I unno, Sei! Just call whoever you know! She needs to be examined ASAP! And don't let her drink any more of that stuff!"

"P-P-Poison?!" Sun looked like she was having a seizure. "But then, the peddler that sold us the medicine... AAAH! FRAUD! ASSASSINATION! My poor Shi!"

Click to shrink...

Oh wow, that snake oil salesman is fucked if she finds him. She doesn't seem like she'll care if he was one of those people who thought that mercury is healthy.

 

[Kakanma]

Chapter 25: Victory over the bloody Empress! The hungry-hungry knight proves her worth?

Well Lancelot did just identify exactly what was wrong with Shi, even if it was from painfull personal experience.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Oh wow, that snake oil salesman is fucked if she finds him. She doesn't seem like she'll care if he was one of those people who thought that mercury is healthy.

Click to shrink...

Yep.

Cracks knuckles

He's dead meat.

 

[Kakanma]

Hey Neko? This ones for you.

The Backlog

Chapter 1: The Servant of Heaven arrives! Enter Chen Miyafuji!
Chapter 2: The morning after! An awkward breakfast and an introduction!
Chapter 3: Training and trials! Yamato's ultimate technique!
Chapter 4: A new goal! To walk the path of Heaven!
Chapter 5: Training and visions! Yamato leaves retirement!
Chapter 6: Bandits in the night! The first step on the path!
Chapter 7: Training and plots! A crusade against Kyoto?
Chapter 8: Declaration of war! Yoshitsune's dismissive reply!
Chapter 9: The fight for Kyoto! Yoshitsune and Benkei take to the field!
Chapter 10: Training* and old injuries. Preparing for Edo!
Chapter 11: Lessons and delirium! Tadataka Inoue takes the stage!
Chapter 12: A world of warfare! The song of rocks!
Chapter 13: Trials and mysteries! Legacies lost and found!
Chapter 14: The Demon King of the Sixth Heaven! A battle of guts and brains!
Chapter 15: A sea of flame and tragedy! The hidden benefactor speaks!
Chapter 16: A Country Defying Calamity! Chen takes a Stand!**
Chapter 17: Both less and more than a dream! Questions answered and raised!
Chapter 18: Peacefully chaotic days! The sage Abe no Seimei!
Chapter 19: The legend in the rough! The blacksmith Magoroku has arrived!
Chapter 20: Sasaki's rage! A recruitment to find her promised duel!
Chapter 21: Pirates and Knights! The guts to say "No!"

*Seriously, why does almost a fifth of these chapters start with Chen getting knocked around?
** Bonus points if you get the less obvious reference.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

*Seriously, why does almost a fifth of these chapters start with Chen getting knocked around?

Click to shrink...

Because it's funny.

 

[Alexander]

*Seriously, why does almost a fifth of these chapters start with Chen getting knocked around?

Click to shrink...

Because it's funny.

Click to shrink...

Yep.

So, this is a messaged addressed to this thread's lurkers (I know you're there, the likes don't lie): I would like to hear what you think of the story so far, and if you have any suggestion that you think would improve its quality. I know I have fun watching Neko reacts to the insanity I throw his way, but what about you?

 

[TimelordLucario]

I already gave my answer on the spacebattles thread, and it would be kind of cringe to copy it, but this story is really good.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Eh, I like FIs in general when I know the story and how it goes, so this fic also gets a like from me. (Still a bit bummed that it's the PS3 version if only to see Neko's face when PC ver events happened, but alas) Too bad the company that made this hasn't been seen since after ES GOLD. (And no one translated GOLD)

But yeah, I am having a blast, and odds are good you two are also having a blast, so it's all fine. No glaring problems I see.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

(Still a bit bummed that it's the PS3 version if only to see Neko's face when PC ver events happened, but alas)

Click to shrink...

Is this porn.

Five bucks it's porn.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Is this porn.

Five bucks it's porn.

Click to shrink...

Who knows? It could be PC-exclusive content or it might have PC-exclusive characters. It might even be an expansion pack, Neko.

Spoiler: NOT FOR NEKO EYES

Although I think the PC version I have also includes the CG from the PS Vita edition which is actually not in the PS3 version? So there is some truth to the above statement

 

[EvaUnit01]

So, this is a messaged addressed to this thread's lurkers (I know you're there, the likes don't lie): I would like to hear what you think of the story so far,

Click to shrink...

I enjoy it.

if you have any suggestion that you think would improve its quality.

Click to shrink...

Nothing at this time.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Who knows? It could be PC-exclusive content or it might have PC-exclusive characters. It might even be an expansion pack, Neko.

Click to shrink...

ASFAIK PS3 Eiyuu Senki was a port for the PC version so I doubt that's possible.

Then again this is literally just a guess based on the fact that I know it was originally a hentai game.

 

[TimelordLucario]

http://store.steampowered.com/app/691770/EiyuSenki_The_World_Conquest/
The game is now on steam.

 

[Emral282]

In that light, a question to anyone who has actually played it: Is the game worth buying?

I don't really care about the h-scenes and according to the reviews they're not in the steam version anyways.

 

[Kakanma]

In that light, a question to anyone who has actually played it: Is the game worth buying?

I don't really care about the h-scenes and according to the reviews they're not in the steam version anyways.

Click to shrink...

I would recommend it. The game play is a hybrid of light tactics battles and (eventually) world spanning strategic choices.

And waifus, all the waifus.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Welp. Hope that means the company is still alive. I mean, it was published by JAST, so umm maybe it's not Tenco lurching..............?

Anyways. Now that Neko is done with China Taika, I wonder where he'll try to campaign next. Northwards towards Mongolia or Southwards to India? Or some option I don't expect?

Also, has Lancelot been promoted to primary cast member in your book, Neko?

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

And waifus, all the waifus.

Click to shrink...

What kind of shit tier waifuimg do you subscribe to?

Anyways. Now that Neko is done with China Taika, I wonder where he'll try to campaign next. Northwards towards Mongolia or Southwards to India? Or some option I don't expect?

Click to shrink...

Spoiler: Spoiler'd for those who'd rather not get ahead knowledge on this fic. And Alex. Stay the fuck out this is MY spoiler box now.

India, my go too plan is India. Why? Because who the fuck would willingly get themselves involved with Mongolia if there was another option. Do you want to deal with Genghis Kahn?

Am I scared of her? No. But excuse me for wanting to stay away from the nation that literally changed the atmosphere with how much people they killed. Or at least that's what I heard.

Also, has Lancelot been promoted to primary cast member in your book, Neko?

Click to shrink...

She was primary cast the moment that I saw her.

It was like the exact opposite of Arthur's first impression. The moment Lancelot showed up I just knew, deep down in my soul, that this chick was going to be my bro for the rest of the fic.

Which is probably why you see so much of her. Also she's Alex's favorite character so she has that going for her...

Anyways in terms of Primary Cast, I guess I'll just flat out say that everybody in the Idiot Brigade (aka who Chen hangs out with the most) is. You can probably guess but IB members are Chen, Himiko, Lancelot, and Yoshi (willingly or not). BenBen's like team mascot or something. Funny thing is that when you squint you'll realize that all of the members are the youngest of the group from Zipang, every one else is in their twenties or so and do adult stuff. Ya'know, like paperwork, governmental affairs, and in Sei's case, drinking alcohol every time she gets a bit of free time,

That's not to say we don't do those things as well but the IB for the most part exists to have fun. Except the last one, have you seen Yoshi drunk? I think I saw it, once, maybe. But yeah, truth be told I find it hard to keep track of all the side characters at times (What were Pink and Blue's names again? G something) but that's what the primary cast is for.

...I miss Yamato.

 

[EmpirePlayer]

Oh boi. Here we gooooooooo.

Spoiler: NOT FOR NEKO EYES

TOPLESS REFORMED FORMER DELINQUENT ASURA GOOOOOOOOO (Then again, India was really filler-y until you reached Ahsoka though) On the other hand, we have a badass martial artist lecturer Xuanzang.

Spoiler: TO ALEXANDER

Um. I don't think Mongolia's leader is revealed before you decide to invade, so Chen doesn't know. But if the game is followed, India is going to be a slog if you don't go through Mongolia first. (And manpower. That too) And I think Chen's is actually overestimating Mongolia a fair bit. Maybe you should reveal the fact that Mongolia is currently led by Genghis Khan's much less warring-happy and more peaceful granddaughter ladykiller Kublai Khan instead...?

EDIT:

Spoiler: Spoiler

Although I might have overstepped my bounds with the second spoiler a bit. If that is so, I apologize. And will remove it if you ask that of me.

 

[Kakanma]

What kind of shit tier waifuimg do you subscribe to?

Click to shrink...

Hey that hurts man, never shit talk another man's waifu.

Unless that waifu is shit tier...

Spoiler: Not for Neko

Alexander is best girl.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

Unless that waifu is shit tier...

Click to shrink...

This basically describes every Waifu in Eiyuu Senki.

 

[EvaUnit01]

This basically describes every Waifu in Eiyuu Senki.

Click to shrink...

Yoshitsune is the only one thus far I might be willing to acknowledge as acceptable.

 

[Kakanma]

This basically describes every Waifu in Eiyuu Senki.

Click to shrink...

I'll forgive that this time due to your ignorance. Smack talk best girl though and we will have issues.

 

[NekoNekoBoy]

I'll forgive that this time due to your ignorance. Smack talk best girl though and we will have issues.

Click to shrink...

Fucking watch me.