Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
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Go ahead ^^
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My Light Novel Isekai Story is Stressful As Expected (Eiyuu Senki Friend Insert ft. NekoNekoBoy)
- Thread starter Alexander
- Start date
SkySkimmer
Getting sticky.
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2014
- Messages
- 93
You say "understandably" but I don't see what SB would have against it at all. What do you see that I'm not seeing?
Chapter 43: Long Road out of Eden
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 12,415
Chapter 43: Long Road out of Eden
====
It was after we finally finished annexing Hawaii that my real work began. I mean, going to Hawaii again was… Nice? I guess? It was weird seeing the island without any major skyscrapers but it was still Hawaii.
Hell I even bothered to check. North Shore's waves were still huge, the blowholes still shot out water, and Rabbit Island along with Chinaman's Hat were still there. Now that I think about it, there's probably something on those islands now…
Whatever, I'll visit them later. Right now I had more pressing issues to worry about.
"So I planted the seeds of a tree created by God in your backyard." I informed Sei as she came in through the front door of her own home. A pile of books sat next to me while Tama worked in the background. "Hope you don't mind."
"Ah, so you were serious about planting something in my backyard." She covered her amused smile with one hand. "And here I thought it was a subtle invitation… I admit I'm feeling a little sad."
"Invitation to what?" I asked before shaking my head, "Anyways, the original fruit is sitting in the bag on your table. It's cut up a bit but I think it should work? I've been keeping a close eye on it the entire time in case Lancelot ate it while I wasn't looking. Check it out for yourself."
She giggled a little. "Ah, to be young and naive." Looking like she was privy to a hidden joke Sei walked up to the table and opened the bag, taking out the fruit. "Uhmm…" She sniffed it a little. "A good scent. Exotic and rich. I wonder what kind of wine should I eat it with?"
"I suggest something sweet." Satan's head pop up from behind the shop's counter. "Or meat and cheese to accompany it. Adding sugar doesn't work, tried already."
"AH!!!" I yelped, standing up before dropping the book I was holding, "Christ when my mom told me the devil is always ready to whisper in your ear I thought she was kidding!"
"Not always ready: just when it's necessary." He slithered on the counter and curled up. "It was my job, yes, but it's not like I could be everywhere at once. Also, I too have the right of a break between work hours, you know?"
"Ara! A talking snake." Sei seemed only mildly surprised. "Not an Uwabami or a Nure-onna… Akamata?"
Aka-what.
"Neither. Sorry lady, I'm not native to Japan. Name's Lucy, nice to meet you: thanks to the boy over there-" The tip of his tail pointed at me, I waved. "We'll be roommates for the foreseeable future. Hope you don't mind."
"Full name is Lucifer, and maybe He- Hail? Heiel? I don't know how to say it-"
"Helel."
"Thank you!" I snapped, "Anyways, goes by many names and titles. Satan, The Prince of Lies, The Morning Star, I didn't really look into it that much. The long story short of it was that in Christian mythology he was an angel in the service of God, the most beautiful one I hear, then he got kicked out for being too prideful before tricking humanity into screwing themselves over forever. Or at least that's how the story goes."
"All propaganda, I assure you." He raised his head, looking affronted. "Humanity never needed my help to screw themselves over. Adam was perfectly happy to french kiss the giraffe even without my input. And with Eve being what she was, I'm surprised they even managed to procreate at all."
"Apparently making a woman out of a man's rib cage doesn't automatically make the result beautiful." I rolled my eyes, "Who would've thought? Okay uh moving on and finishing introductions, that's Abe-no-Seimei, if the name rings any bells for you. There's also uh…."
I turned towards my information agent as the words died in my mouth, "...Tama what's your name again?"
"...Inou Tadataka." Her hand, which was in the middle of writing, slowed down to a crawl. "Surely it's not too difficult to remember…"
"Sorry, I'm not from Zipang. Any name in whatever language we're speaking that has more than three syllables is automatically a mouthful and hard to remember." I turned to my sword, "Unless of course I'm forced to remember it. Isn't that right, Kusanagi no Tsurugi?"
The blade vibrated into a pleasant hum and I sighed, "Oh right, Lucy. Forgot to tell you, this isn't Japan, it's called Zipang now. No I don't know why the name change either I'm trying to figure it out right now."
"Good luck." He slithered to the table, revealing a very long body, and knocked open a book. "So, what's you're reading? Philosophy?"
"History, and honestly it's not going that well." I closed the book, "I've only had enough time to find a history book for Zipang. Written records go back to about 1300~ BC and it's mostly just a pattern of 'Dude with no successor dies, country has a bad time'. Good news, I found out what year it is. Bad news, you won't believe it."
"Try me." Lucy replied while turning to a new page.
"1935. AD."
"1935." He looked up and squinted his eyes. "What do I remember of that year… Yes, the Harlem riot. Bad stuff that one, the cause wasn't even true. And my old pal Hachikō died… truly a bad year."
"Hachiko? Hachiko- Hachiko the dog?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "He died in 1935? Wow. Wonder if he's still around right now. Anyways it's the year 1935 and well… King Arthur's in charge of Britain, rifles have only been invented recently, Caesar and Nero are around at the same time, and Genghis Khan is only old enough to be a grandma. Long story short yeah this is a really odd version of 1935."
He turned to look at you, one eyebrow raised. "Are we in a badly written fanfic?"
"I mentioned the Illuminati right."
"Onii-san! Urgent ne-KYAAA!!" Himiko barged into the shop, only to jump back out in fright the moment she saw Lucy.
"Hi Himiko, meet the Devil." I waved, "Don't worry, I'm sure Sei is just as confused as you are."
"Not only her, but I learned this is quite normal when you're around, Commander." Tama spoke up.
"S-Stay back!" Without stepping back inside Himiko waved her stick to Lucy, who looked merely amused. "O-Onii-san! There have been attacks on both Port Moresby and Bali! The culprit is Australia!"
"Motherfucker." I let out before curling my eyebrows, "Wait, where is that?"
"Australia or the other two places she mentioned?" Lucy asked back.
"The other two places. I'm not that bad at geography."
"Commander, Port Moresby and Bali are two of the cities we conquered during our occupation of the South Seas. The final two, in fact." Tama informed me. "Regarding Australia, on the other hand, I believe Cook and Magellan know the most about it. We should ask them."
Oh.
Was that what they were called? I can vaguely remember it…
"Do Drop Bears exist?" I wondered out loud before shaking my head, "Shelve that topic for later let's go go go!"
====
"Australia? It's a quarantine zone for all the most brutal criminals of the EU." Cook replied to our inquiry. "Or rather, it was before we received the order to block all ports and prevent all movements to and from it."
"Prison island, basically." I shrugged, "Also every animal is trying to kill you there so…"
"That's the unofficial reason, yes." She grimaced. "I don't know who had the idea that a sufficiently large number of violent criminals would be enough to keep the fauna in check, but here we are."
"Okay so," I held up a finger, "We just got attacked by Australia. Why? Hell if I know, but we know they did, and I'm assuming the criminals- Well, more attackers aren't under orders of an underground kingdom of mole people so we should probably find that out."
"What is he talking about?" Cook whispered to Yoshi.
"Chen." The ponytailed girl simply replied.
"I can hear you."
====
So after a bit of a rush job to get to the invaded places we found… Well we found something alright. Samurais, Gladiators, Musketeers, oh my!
I'm not even kidding. Apparently "Australia" had samurai.
Why? How? No idea. Then again…
"Oooh, ah… W-What happened...?"
"Wha, what's going on…? Why I am fighting…?"
"I punched you in the face that's what." I sighed before pointing in a different direction, "Congrats you invaded an island, head that way to gain your free sandwich. Quality not guaranteed."
They both looked at me confused before cautiously heading in the direction I pointed in. Another sigh escaped my lips as I rubbed a hand over my face.
Yeah, this. They were out of it, almost as out of it as Illuminati Grunts. As far as we could tell though, this wasn't their doing at all. Unless of course, they switched out their pendants for snake bites that is.
"Lucy, thoughts?"
"I'm still wondering how you persuaded me to come along, but that aside-" He peered closer at the guy's neck, scaring him. "Those are not snake bites. And this smell of blood… ah yes, yes. There are no doubts: vampires."
...Goddammit that adds up. But, still.
"Vampires?" I turned to the snake, "You're fucking with me right?"
"I am most definitely not. Vampires exist, though they are not a creation of the Old Man: he was not very fond of them, saying that drinking blood is frightening unhygienic. Controlling people's minds is one of their powers."
"Do they sparkle as well?" Wait crap, "Sorry not sorry had to say it."
"Worse: they are melodramatic." He shook his head before coiling around a column to rest. "Well, judging by how easy you can snap those mooks out of it you are dealing with either a group of weak vampires or a single, powerful one."
I sighed, "This is officially the most bizarre my life has gotten, and I made enemies with the Illuminati of all things."
"Eh, it's still not as bizarre as the stuff Paul had to go through." The snake grinned. "Did you know that the Greeks invented the Gay Pride? Except they called it Thursday."
Well duh.
"This is the Greeks we're talking about here. That's basically the land of super aggressive homosexuality." I paused, "And Zeus fucking anything that moves."
"Though the Germans come close. ...Well, they did: now I am not sure." Lucy looked thoughtful. "But as much as I enjoy being back to a commentary role, you probably need to continue what you were doing: Australia invaded once, they can do so again."
"Right right…" My words drifted off.
Oh crap, I don't know what to do.
Uh, time to run over to someone more competent and hope they have a plan!
====
"Let's invade Australia!" Nobu proposed the moment the council was fully gathered.
"Supported!" Himiko raised a hand. "For world conquest!"
"Motion… adjourned? Is that how you use that word?" Wish I had a dictionary on me right now… "Anyway good idea I think we were already planning to do that for like, the past few weeks."
"While we were going to Hawaii, yes. By the way, we received a few… complains about Ashoka and Kamehameha." Yoshi sighed. "All of them from women and regarding their choice of clothes, or lack thereof. What should we do about that?"
Oh we're talking about this now.
"I already yelled enough about Ashoka's dress choice when I met her, I'm not wasting anymore words." I sighed tiredly, "As for Kamehameha… She's actually wearing more clothes than I expected."
"I mean, they're not breaking any official rule. It's just…" Yoshi mused. "Let's just bring them to Australia with us for now. Hopefully by the time we return everyone will have forgot the issue."
"You're talking as if it will be easy. Bad attitude, bad attitude." Sun waved her stick. "An enemy divided is an enemy vulnerable. But an enemy without a chain of command is a nightmare. This will be on the test."
Himiko blinked. "Meaning?"
"Meaning, we will have to defeat everyone who want to fight instead of having a general surrender once we bring down the enemy leader. And this is without counting the infamously local fauna." Despite her words she was smiling. "We shall be tempered in the fires of hell. Who's ready for a truly miserable military campaign?"
"Australia," I opened my hands wide. "Truly, European Taika."
====
The first Australian city we reached was called Darwin. And it looked like a bombed old European city not that I knew what an European city actually looked like, from about the early 20th. I couldn't really tell much about the the city itself aside that it looked like it went through an industrial revolution with all the factories and stuff. Honestly, that puts it at like the most technologically advanced city I've seen since I got here, while everyone else is working off what's basically sticks and stones.
It was also completely desert. Like, a fucking ghost town. There was no sign that humans had been living here for a while now, or if they had they were the equivalent of scavengers. What once remained of the city of Darwin was now just rubble and ruin.
"I… Think I can kind of figure out what happened here." I examined the city closer, "Only problem is I can't tell if this was the Illuminati's fault or the, god-fucking-dammit, the vampires fault."
"It's hard to tell if anyone ever lived there." Himiko commented. "It would be convenient if we could occupy this place without any difficulty, of course… Let's try something."
She took a deep breath before shouting. "The Zipang Army has arrived! If anybody is there, please come out! We're exceptionally strong and very reliable! If you intend to surrender, now is the time!"
Silence.
"I-It'll be difficult if you don't come out! We can be really scary when we're mad! It's useless to resist!" Himiko continued. "Throw down your weapons and come out!"
Still silence.
"Himiko I don't think anyone's here." I paused, "Wait for it…"
"Oooyah. What's all this noise?" A female voice called out. "Can't a woman take a nap in peace now?"
There was a brief moment where we all stood silently as the new voice came out onto the scene. She wore a small yellow kimono with weird symbols on it tied with a huge red ribbon. In her hair sat a quite ridiculous ornament with flowers and both red and gold pins sticking out. In her hands she twirled a smoking pipe thing but most pressingly…
"Psst. Himiko, tell me I'm not seeing this wrong." I leaned over to the girl, "Is she wearing a full body stocking?"
"I-It's called a mesh body suit. I think." She replied a bit shakily. "Who are you? If you're here and not being controlled, it must means you're behind all of this!"
"Mh? I'm just a whimsical sophisticate who goes by the motto of duty and humanity." The woman smiled. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I have nothing to do with controlling people."
"Wait…" Yoshi's eyes suddenly widen in recognition. "What a surprise. Aren't you Ishikawa Goemon?"
"Eh?! That's her?!"
"A thief, a ninja and a woman of the people. I had heard she was boiled in a cauldron though…"
"Well, just a little. Slipping out of tight spots is my specialty, you know?" Goemon replied with pride.
"So, what are you doing all the way here?" I asked, "Actually yeah how did you get here did you just set sail for Australia or something?"
"You see, after my escape Zipang was too difficult to stay in, so I headed out for a new place by boarding the first boat I could find. Somehow I ended up here: lovely place, if a bit rough around the edges."
"Right, right…" I nodded, "So, do you know what happened to this city?"
"Mh? It was already like this when I came here, so I-"
A shrill, machine-like sound split the air, so intense my ears hurt.
"Huhh-aah!" Himiko cried out in pain, hands over her ears.
Everyone else was experiencing a similar feeling, but Goemon looked as if she was downright sick. "U-Uwaah…!" She swayed on her feet, eyes losing focus, before suddenly straightening up. "Hehehe…" With an empty, mechanical chuckle she unsheathed her sword. "Today my steel-cutting sword thirsts for blood. There's nothing that can't be cut by this blade… Allow me to prove it to you…"
As if it was a signal soldiers began to march out of the ruined buildings, as if appearing from the shadows. There were Samurai, sailors with sabers, knights in full armor and even ninja.
"Guys," I slowly unsheathed Kusanagi, "I think she got brainwashed."
"Nooo? What was your first clue?" Nobu's voice was so full of snark I could almost feel it beating against my head.
"The eyes. They call me Captain Obvious for a reason you know." I shot back, "Anyways, how much trouble do you think we're in?"
The response came in the form of Goemon putting back her sword into the sheath-and then my body went into overdrive as I blocked a strike aimed straight at my throat, the pipe-smoking woman suddenly in front of me.
"A-Ah… Okay then!" I exclaimed. Holy shit that was close! "This is happening now!"
"E-Everyone! Fight!" Himiko shouted before retreating to safety.
"Now, let's see you cough up some blood..." She started to swing her sword faster and faster, every time putting it back into its sheath before taking it out again. It was like fighting Sasaki, but faster.
It sucked. Majorly.
"Sorry but…" I grunted out as a I struggled to block her strikes, "I like my blood in my body!"
"Ah, AHHHH ♩ !" The rather musical cry heralded the arrival of Kamehameha, her harpoon-like spear slicing through the air from above. Goemon jumped to the side and retaliated immediately, but the green-haired girl proved just as fast and parried the blow. "Nahahaha ♩ ! Chen fights, I fight too! Let's fight together!"
"Oh good, back up!" I let out a breath of relief, "On the count of three pummel her until she's down! On- Three!"
With a loud yell I pushed myself forward to backup Kame's fighting, though Goemon was ridiculously fast and ended up just dodging most of my strikes.
"One, two, three… It makes no difference. I'll cut you all down…" Goemon muttered darkly as our weapons clashed against each other again and again, the clanking of metal so loud and so rapid it all blended together. At one point she flipped the pipe held in her right hand, shuriken appearing around it before she flung them at us.
"FUCKING HOW?!" With a loud cry I quickly dodged the shurikens, "Well if you're gonna be like that… BURN BURN BURN! FIRE IN THE HOUSE HERE WE GO BABY!"
My sword exploded with fire as I used my Brave to push myself faster.
"Cheh!" Something like fear flicked briefly within Goemon's eyes before she jumped back.
Kame pressed the sudden advantage, thrusting her spear at a rapid pace. "No fast enough? Then I be faster!" Her own Brave flowed out of her body in a brilliant green, turning her fast enough to match Goemon.
"COMBO PLATTER!" I felt the energy moving within my blood as I pushed myself faster, my mouth unfortunately saying random bullshit. "ONE ISLAND SPECIAL COMING RIGHT UP!"
Did I know what I was doing with the Brave? No!
And that's fucking terrifying holy shit I'm moving Fasssssst!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS IS THE WORST TIME TO BE EXPERIMENTING WITH BRAVE DAMMIT ME!
Hopefully I'm swinging my sword fast enough that Goemon doesn't realize my internal panic attack!
"Kaa… ZANTE-Guh!" Goemon began to glow red before multiple rings of black, vaguely Indian-like symbols appeared around her body, slowing her down just enough for both mine and Kame's attacks to connect. Somehow there was an explosion and Goemon was flung back, bouncing several times before landing in the groove of a dead tree.
"IT'S A KNOCK-OUT PEOPLE!" Lucy commented loudly from another dead tree, while close by Ashoka had her palms pressed together and glowing with Brave. "IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!"
"The hell's the second one?" I shouted back as I sheathed Kusanagi for now. With a sigh I walked towards the women who just a minute ago had been raving about blood.
"Ugh…" Goemon moaned. "What on earth… was I doing…?"
"This one." Lucy pointed with the tip of his tail. "Knocking some sense into her. Get it? Eh? Eh?"
...Yeah…
"There is a special place in Hell for people like you." I turned back to Goemon, "Hi, welcome back to reality. Apparently you got brainwashed but I punched you so it's all good now."
"...Ah, thank you. It was like I was stuck in a bad dream…" She shifted and winced. "I'm beat."
"So you uh," I wiggled my hands, "You have any idea what that was all about?"
"Uhm… Probably the same reason that got me here. Truth be told I was heading for the new continent, the one they call America, but then I heard this terrible sound… When I woke up I was here. When I hear that sound, how should I put it, I'm not myself anymore."
"Sounds like a brainwashing trigger to me yep yep." My arm extended as I held out my hand, "Come on, we can figure out what the hell happened to you at our base."
"Thank you." I helped her back on her feet, the fighting having dwindle down all around us as more and more people came back to their senses. "Mh, you're strong." Goemon smiled. "I'm sure you'll grown up into a good man."
"Thanks for the compliment but I highly doubt I'm as strong as you think I am." I smiled brightly, "Especially since I'm waiting for any moment where the pain of pushing my body as fast as I did during our fight kicks in. I am operating on so much adrenaline right now hooboy."
"Understandable." Her smile widened. "So I guess this is a good time to mention the only reason I'm standing up is because I'm holding on you?"
"Hahaha ah…" The smile on my face relaxed, "Oh shit."
In the next instant the pain kicked in and we flopped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
"Doctoooor!" Lucy called out with a lazy tone.
===
"Zipang has been unified?" Goemon repeated in wonder after the two of us were healed and the situation was explained to her. "It's gotten more interesting while I've been away, eh?"
"We were able to accomplish it thanks to Onii-san." Himiko declared proudly. "Even if we had to make him King of Zipang in name only…"
"Well I mean, I didn't want the job. You should really make the qualifications more than 'Pull out a sword with more ego then metal'." I commented off handily, throwing a few punches with my now healed up hand. "Man the healers always astound me. Remind me never to experiment with Brave in the middle of combat again."
Ugh that was the worst, I was less human and more a walking block of pain. Wait no, I wasn't even walking. My muscles felt like they were exploding with every move for fucks sake.
"Ah ah!" Goemon laughed. "If the country is unified I don't care if it's on a whim or not. I was fed up with all the internal dissent. It seems my home has become a much easier place to live. Allow me to thank you. The flowers of Zipang might soon blossom once more."
"Yeah well the conflicts all external now, and really confusing as well. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it." Hm, maybe if I… I threw a couple more jabs into the air just to get my heart rate going. Gotta get that Brave up… "Can't really say that it's much better then before but I'm pretty sure if you're a civilian you can just stay at home and not worry about being killed in a civil war. You just have to watch out for the other nations."
"We're aiming for World Conquest!" Himiko added. "Once the world is ours there'll be no war!"
"That's the craziest idea I have ever heard. Then again, you guys look even madder." The kimono-clad woman grinned. "I'm indebted with you. Is there anything you need of me?"
"Check your neck to see if you have any bite marks." I commented. Alright the Brave is flowing through me I just need to… "Here I… GO!"
With all my might I threw a power shot into the air, the Brave rushing through my body like a river to the end of my fist and the energy blasted out of my arm in a boom that echoed through the surrounding area.
I swear everything was dead quite for the following five seconds before my arm started to pulse a bit sore. With a grunt I began to shake my arm, "Yeah, coursing Brave directly through my body… Definitely needs a lot more practice…"
"You'll have to forgive the boy, apparently where he comes from it's considered polite to train while holding a conversation." Lucy said to Goemon while checking her neck. "No bite marks. Judging by the sound we heard before you went all bloodthirsty it's a different kind of mind-control. How needlessly confusing."
"Watch where you're looking." She playfully slapped at the snake's body. "You've got guts."
"Lady, I was there when your race first walked the earth. You lot didn't invent the concept of clothes until much later, and let me tell you." He snorted. "It was not a noteworthy sight."
"...Was that an insult?" Himiko wondered.
"He's saying he's seen better naked things." I nodded sagely, "Truly, a deviant for the ages."
"Ah ah ah!" Goemon laughed again. "You guys sure look like a lot of fun. ...Uhm, why not…?" She seemed to ponder something. "I'll have to decline to serve officially, but do you think you could use a famous thief as an ally? I still have to thank you."
"Sure, as long as the other guy is annoyed to all hell and back, go for it." I shrugged, "Don't see why not."
"However, I'm a wanted woman in Zipang." She reminded me.
I stared at her blankly, "Okay what'd you do…"
"Oh, you know the usual stuff: stealing from the rich to give it to the poor, leaving taunting messages, flirting with married men… and once I got a fine for smoking in a smoke-free area."
Uh…
I turned to Himiko, "Are the second and third ones actually crimes?"
"Well… Not necessarily, no." She answered.
"However, when the victim is a noble even a simple insult can turn into a cause of persecution." Yoshi stared at Goemon. "Really, yo-"
"Aah! Where'd you come from?!" I exclaimed, jumping up. "Christ do you people take lessons on how to sneak up on me?!"
"You were simply too distracted to notice me." She finished with a shake of her head. "Really, both of you are so ridiculous, it's almost fitting. Considering the entity of your crimes I suppose a pardon might be possible…" She put her hands on her hips. "If, you give up your thieving ways."
"No, wait, better idea." I held up a hand, "Sneak into our enemies base's a steal something just minor enough to not be too important but still enough to bug them for the rest of the day. It'll drive them insane and it'll be hilarious."
"Heard the King of Zipang?" Goemon smirked at Yoshi. "Let's get along."
"So ridiculous…" Yoshi shook her head. "Anyway, that's not why I came here. Chen, I need your decision about something important."
"Yes."
"It's not a right/wrong question."
"Do it."
Very delicately she pressed a palm over her face and slowly pull it down. "I'll just say it. According to the soldiers we freed from the mind-control there are three paths that from Darwin go to the rest of Australia: to the south-west is the path to the city of Perth, to the south-east is the path to the city of Brisbane, and going through the center of the continent is the path to a place called Alice Springs. All of them are under enemy control right now, so how should we proceed?"
"Wait wait, hold on." I furrowed my eyebrows, "That last one doesn't sound like a city."
"It is, but there is also a lot of desert around it so not many people move to and from it. As a result both the city and the region are considered the same thing."
"I see I see…" Hm, how should I… I bent my knees into the dirt before drawing a circle, splitting it into three, drawing a P, B, and A into one of each segment before grabbing a stick and throwing it into the circle. "Hm… Brisbane huh…"
Brisbane… Brisbane…
"We're going to Alice Springs." I declared, rubbing the circle out with my foot.
"Cutting straight through it instead of taking the long road, uh?" Yoshi mused. "Risky, but rewarding if successful. We'll need to prepare the necessary equipment to handle the desert and the heat…"
"Pssh! Boy." Lucy whispered to me. "Any special reason for that?"
"Because the stick landed on Brisbane and I want to go to Alice Springs. Gut feeling, you know?" I replied. "Is there any special reason?"
"Just asking."
====
Nothing much happened during our conquest of Alice Springs, apart from BenBen and Lu trying to break the Ayers Rock with their punches and meeting the local fauna.
Which included whales swimming in the desert. Apparently.
"What." I stared at Lancelot who was telling me about her encounter with desert whales. "Whaaaaaat."
"It's true. It was the color of the sand, but the belly was all white." She insisted. "I never seen one before. I wonder how it tastes…"
"Heat stroke?" Nobu, who was listening, asked aloud.
"Heat stroke." Cook, who was also listening, nodded. "There are no whales in the desert."
"Counterpoint." I raised a finger, "This is Australia."
"As if. You know what, let's ask a local."
So we searched for one, until we came across a stereotypical-looking Aborigen sitting on a rock and sharpening his spear. "Excuse me." Cook began. "Can you tell us if there are whales that live in the desert?"
The native stared at us with a face that looked like it was carved from granite, his hands never stopping sharpening the spear. Then, after five or six seconds of silence he slowly looked around before leaning forward and whispering. "We don't acknowledge the Mugga Mugga often. They are… temperamental."
"Oh." I turned to Lancelot. "Oh."
"Oh?" She repeated with a smile, quite clearly missing the point.
"...I refuse to accept this is happening." Cook muttered.
"It is. It's happening." I grinned at the poor woman, "It's happening right now. They exist."
"No. It isn't." Nobu declared. "We don't even know what a Mugga Mugga is."
The native kept sharpening his spear.
====
After Alice Springs, our next stop was the city of Melbourne. Unlike before the enemy army was waiting for us outside the settlement.
European knights, saber-wielding and musket-wielding sailors, samurai, ninja, Mongolian archers and Chinese spearmen.
"So like, I'm wondering." With a wave of my hand I gestured to the enemy soldiers, "You think they were also victims of whatever took Goemon?"
"Either that or, as you said, this 'vampire's bite'." Nobu replied, the concept of vampires novel to people from Zipang. "I'm more wondering how on earth they are able to live, since we found all reserves of food and water completely untouched. They can't just not be eating and drinking anything."
"I've got it!" Himiko punched her palm. "Those people are already dead, and are really ghosts unaware of their own situation!"
I opened my mouth before drawing a blank. Silently, I turned to Satan and stared.
"Don't ask me." The snake moved higher on the conveniently placed wall.
Suddenly the same shrill mechanical sound we heard before fighting Goemon reached our ears. "Tch...! Ow… It's hurting my ears!" Himiko complained.
"God has ordered it of me! Search and destroy!" Someone said in a loud tone, the last phrase spoken in English. "My Lord, I've spotted the target! Now, I will annihilate them!"
Aw shit- "Satan!"
He was nowhere in sight, a sign with 'ON BREAK' written on it in his place. With a gulp I turned to see who shouted that and- Yep, called it. She was a blonde crusader Templar with blue eyes and that traditional red cross symbol thingy. She was literally just a stylish crusader ready to DEUS VULT my ass.
Also she had angel wings.
"Oh…" My eyes went wide, "Fuck."
"Don't pop out so suddenly like that!" Himiko protested. "You scared me!"
"You are my enemies. Those who go against the will of God will not be forgiven. My Lord, give unto me the strength to defeat those enemies!"
A fax-like sound came from her, and she seemed to listen intently to something. "Hmmm… I see. So that is the key to victory… I shall fighting with your guidance, Lord…"
She took out her sword with her left hand, a staff with a long red banner appearing in the right one. "I, the Maiden of Orleans, Joan of Arc, will accomplish my mission! Prepare to be wiped out! That is the order which I have been given!"
"Wait Waiiiiit!" I held my hands up in a T-shape, "I'm pretty sure killing goes against the rules God laid down."
"God wills my actions! And I shall fight for God!" She promptly replied. "Now, let's get on with my victory! Those who defy God shall receive no mercy!"
""NO MERCY!"" The army behind her roared, looking completely fired-up.
"Ugh, goddammit." I unsheathed Kusanagi, "If you're gonna fight in the name of God at least read the goddamn Bible. Don't just listen to some dial up wannabe."
"I shall punish you in the name of God!" The blonde declared before charging at me, a troops of knights, spearmen and ninja following after her. She swung the staff at me, aiming the heavy metal ball on one end at my head, and followed with a sword thrust immediately after that.
"Woah!" I ducked under the- HOLY SHIT THAT BALL IS SPIKEY!
AH! AH IT'S CLOSE- OH GOD SWORD!
Internally panicking as I dodged her weapons, I quickly swung the Kusanagi at her open body.
The blow connected with a clanking sound… and completely failed to hurt her, save for a light cut in her clothes. The other enemy soldiers pounced on the chance and attacked me. Lancelot and Kame intercepted the knights and the spearmen, but the ninja managed to pass through.
"OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!" I screamed, backing away from Joan and quickly slipping behind the ninja and kicked him towards the angel lady. "FUCK FUCK FUCK GUYS!"
"I'm doing my best!" Lancelot was deflecting blow after blow. "My best may not be enough!"
"AhAAAAAHHH!!" Kame was almost dancing through the wall of spear, using her own weapon as a pole to break out some truly mad moves.
Then ninja unleashed a barrage of shurikens.
"Why?! Why is it always shurikens?!" I yelled, slashing all of them away. "GAH! KUSANAGI NO TSURUGI!"
"REVOLUTION!" Joan followed immediately with a yell of her own, raising her sword high in the air. Golden light erupted from the ground before I suddenly felt like God himself just punched me in the gut. The flame burning inside my heart (And boy was that something I'd never thought I'd say) was immediately dimmed as the giant man of fire who was just forming dispersed like the fucking mist.
"Right okay. Ack, that didn't work." I groaned, struggling to stay on my feet. With a glance I looked at the Kusanagi. "I don't suppose you have any ideas?"
The sword vibrated once before, out of nowhere, a gust of wind hit my face. "What."
Two more vibrations, followed by two more gusts of wind, this time colder.
I stared at the sword, "You can do that?"
Another gust, this time warmer.
"Well why didn't you say so- Oh right sword." I gazed at the crusader of DOOM before gulping. "Well, here goes nothing."
With a loud cry I began to slash towards her with all my might, feeling the electric tingle of the brave I had left flowing to my arms so I can slash as fast as possible. The winds began to pick up more and more before what started as a light breeze turned into that of a tempest.
Lancelot, Kame and my own soldiers were behind me, but anyone else found themselves first incapable of advancing through the strong wind, and then lift up in the air like in those videos about tornadoes.
With the sole exception of Joan, who merely found herself severely slowed down. "Mmh… Mmh… I was not informed of this." She hummed while fighting through the wind to take a step forward, her expression unchanging. "Is this another trial from God? Oh Lord, please give guidance to your humble servant!"
"Noooooope!!!!" I began swing as fast as I could, feeling like I was pushing my body to the absolute limit. "Nope! Nope! Noooooope!"
The tempest turned into a mini hurricane, enemy soldiers flung in the distance like ragdolls and debris of every type being uprooted before joining them. All it did to Joan was stopping the girl in her tracks, one foot raised in the middle of advancing and body trembling under the strain. "God… Is my… guide…"
A gunshot slammed into her chest, tilting her back, followed by a cannonball exploding right in her face. Joan landed on her back, the wind slowly pushing her away even as she struggled to get up. "Holy shit what does it take to put her down?!" Nobu screamed in the distance.
"Probably a whale!" I shouted, "Or- The fruit!"
"Sacred fruit, yes?" Kame asked, holding Lancelot above her head. "You still have it?"
"I mean I planted it in a backyard but I don't know if those grew ye-" I turned around to yell out behind me, "SEI! DO YOU HAVE IT ON YOU RIGHT NOW?! THE FRUIT!"
"Oh? yes, but… Muuh! Give me a few minutes!" She shouted back.
Joan has managed to roll over on her stomach, and now she was trying to move her body around to face us again.
"HURRY!" MY ARMS BURN, "I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN KEEP THIS UP!"
"I may have an idea." Lancelot raised a hand. "Why not put something heavy on her?"
"Like what?" Arms… Gotta… Keep… Flapping… "Nobu?"
"Silence, I'm thinking!" She shouted before talking again after a few seconds. "Got it! Everyone, pick up as much as you can in your arms and jump on top of blonde there! We'll bury her in bodies."
"That's dark…" I heard Himiko mutter.
"Christ, fuck no." I shivered, "Someone just, like, sit on her. Hey do you think Lu is up for it?"
In the end it took ten people, including BenBen, Lu and a transformed Goku holding down Joan's limbs to stop her. The girl kept struggling even as Sei arrived with the fruit, cut up to remove the seeds but still fresh, and handed it to me.
Carefully, I walked up to Joan. "You ever read the book of Genesis?"
"I have the whole Bible memorized." She replied in a monotone. "Would you like to hear about our Lord and Saviour?"
"Oh I've heard the gospel." I held up the fruit, "I was just worried I'd have to explain what the first sin is."
And with that I began the most epic struggle to force a fruit into a girl's mouth.
"Come on eat it!"
"What are-Gobuh!" She mumbled incoherently and trashed as I forced her to chew and swallow. "S-S-Sour!" Her eyes widened, the arms of the crosses within them extending to touch the edge of the iris. "My connection to God… What have I... ungh…" She blinked a few times, her features softening. "The dark curse, it has been lifted…"
"Wow, that actually worked." I blinked, "Hey Satan I think you can come out now."
"Is she finally out of it?" The red snake slithered out from behind a rock. "Hello Joan, I really didn't expect to see you again."
"Petit Rouge? It's been a while." She greeted back. "Do you have more tests from God for me?"
"Do not call me that! And I never gave you a test! How many times I need to repeat it?!" He slapped his tail on the ground. "Of all the thick-headed idiots I had to follow, you're the worst!"
"Wait- Dude." I held up a hand, "She remembers you. Haven't you spent the last few centuries on Hawaii?"
"Yeah, and that's the strangest thing. Beside her being alive, that is: I guess this time around the French are not insane enough to search for an active volcano in order to get rid of her." He rolled his eyes.
"Ah, to be banished from my birth country, so painful…" Joan paused. "If possible, could you let me off?"
"Off the banishment thing or off the people sitting on you?"
"The second."
"Right okay she's good everybody get off." I called. The sounds of grumbling and moving bodies filled the battlefield until no one was sitting on her any more, allowing her to stand up.
"I give my deepest thanks to the herald who has come from Heaven. You've flown down to save me from one who has been manipulating me." She offered me a short bow and a smile. "When I was set adrift unto this land, God had decreed it. I would be saved by a magnificent King whom I should serve for life." Many snickers erupted around at the 'magnificent' part. "I had been floating on the surface of a dark curse… But a strong hand has pulled me up just as I was about to sink further. It was yours. The one whom I would serve has finally appeared before me."
If by strong hand you mean shoving a piece of fruit down your throat…
"Ah right, yeah. They call me the Servant of Heaven sometimes. Pretty sure I'm not actually from there though." I paused before turning to the snake, "Satan am I from Heaven?"
"Nope. I'm almost sure you have the requisites to enter, but nope."
Another fax-like sound was heard, Joan listening in silence for a short while. "God has decreed! I have been given the honor of revealing his will! Listen to the Holy Verb!" She cleared her throat before starting to speak in a monotone. "Damn it woman, stop calling me God! Do you even hear anything I tell you? Whatever. Chen, here's the medium I promised. Enjoy."
I blinked, "Oh… God why didn't I figure this out beforehand."
"Ah, what joy I feel at being bestowed with such a holy task…" Joan sighed contently before kneeling in front of me. "From henceforth, I shall serve the King of Zipang. Please allow me to serve at your side."
"Okay." I nodded, "Wait now that we found her all we need to do is kick a vampire- Stop. Hold on, if the Counterforce was communicating to you like we saw in the fight then... who distorted the message?"
"My thanks. With this I have obeyed God's guidance. I shall serve my King with my life as he should so please. Unfortunately, I do not know who casted the dark curse on me: I only know that, every time I heard that unholy sound, I stopped being myself…"
Another fax-like sound. "Ah, a new oracle has… Hmmm, so that was it. God has decreed! The culprit is the dreaded Lord Impaler itself! Vlad Tepes of Wallachia!" She stood up and grabbed my arm. "And Joan of Arc is hungry!"
"I did not miss this…" Lucy bemoaned.
====
It was after we finally finished annexing Hawaii that my real work began. I mean, going to Hawaii again was… Nice? I guess? It was weird seeing the island without any major skyscrapers but it was still Hawaii.
Hell I even bothered to check. North Shore's waves were still huge, the blowholes still shot out water, and Rabbit Island along with Chinaman's Hat were still there. Now that I think about it, there's probably something on those islands now…
Whatever, I'll visit them later. Right now I had more pressing issues to worry about.
"So I planted the seeds of a tree created by God in your backyard." I informed Sei as she came in through the front door of her own home. A pile of books sat next to me while Tama worked in the background. "Hope you don't mind."
"Ah, so you were serious about planting something in my backyard." She covered her amused smile with one hand. "And here I thought it was a subtle invitation… I admit I'm feeling a little sad."
"Invitation to what?" I asked before shaking my head, "Anyways, the original fruit is sitting in the bag on your table. It's cut up a bit but I think it should work? I've been keeping a close eye on it the entire time in case Lancelot ate it while I wasn't looking. Check it out for yourself."
She giggled a little. "Ah, to be young and naive." Looking like she was privy to a hidden joke Sei walked up to the table and opened the bag, taking out the fruit. "Uhmm…" She sniffed it a little. "A good scent. Exotic and rich. I wonder what kind of wine should I eat it with?"
"I suggest something sweet." Satan's head pop up from behind the shop's counter. "Or meat and cheese to accompany it. Adding sugar doesn't work, tried already."
"AH!!!" I yelped, standing up before dropping the book I was holding, "Christ when my mom told me the devil is always ready to whisper in your ear I thought she was kidding!"
"Not always ready: just when it's necessary." He slithered on the counter and curled up. "It was my job, yes, but it's not like I could be everywhere at once. Also, I too have the right of a break between work hours, you know?"
"Ara! A talking snake." Sei seemed only mildly surprised. "Not an Uwabami or a Nure-onna… Akamata?"
Aka-what.
"Neither. Sorry lady, I'm not native to Japan. Name's Lucy, nice to meet you: thanks to the boy over there-" The tip of his tail pointed at me, I waved. "We'll be roommates for the foreseeable future. Hope you don't mind."
"Full name is Lucifer, and maybe He- Hail? Heiel? I don't know how to say it-"
"Helel."
"Thank you!" I snapped, "Anyways, goes by many names and titles. Satan, The Prince of Lies, The Morning Star, I didn't really look into it that much. The long story short of it was that in Christian mythology he was an angel in the service of God, the most beautiful one I hear, then he got kicked out for being too prideful before tricking humanity into screwing themselves over forever. Or at least that's how the story goes."
"All propaganda, I assure you." He raised his head, looking affronted. "Humanity never needed my help to screw themselves over. Adam was perfectly happy to french kiss the giraffe even without my input. And with Eve being what she was, I'm surprised they even managed to procreate at all."
"Apparently making a woman out of a man's rib cage doesn't automatically make the result beautiful." I rolled my eyes, "Who would've thought? Okay uh moving on and finishing introductions, that's Abe-no-Seimei, if the name rings any bells for you. There's also uh…."
I turned towards my information agent as the words died in my mouth, "...Tama what's your name again?"
"...Inou Tadataka." Her hand, which was in the middle of writing, slowed down to a crawl. "Surely it's not too difficult to remember…"
"Sorry, I'm not from Zipang. Any name in whatever language we're speaking that has more than three syllables is automatically a mouthful and hard to remember." I turned to my sword, "Unless of course I'm forced to remember it. Isn't that right, Kusanagi no Tsurugi?"
The blade vibrated into a pleasant hum and I sighed, "Oh right, Lucy. Forgot to tell you, this isn't Japan, it's called Zipang now. No I don't know why the name change either I'm trying to figure it out right now."
"Good luck." He slithered to the table, revealing a very long body, and knocked open a book. "So, what's you're reading? Philosophy?"
"History, and honestly it's not going that well." I closed the book, "I've only had enough time to find a history book for Zipang. Written records go back to about 1300~ BC and it's mostly just a pattern of 'Dude with no successor dies, country has a bad time'. Good news, I found out what year it is. Bad news, you won't believe it."
"Try me." Lucy replied while turning to a new page.
"1935. AD."
"1935." He looked up and squinted his eyes. "What do I remember of that year… Yes, the Harlem riot. Bad stuff that one, the cause wasn't even true. And my old pal Hachikō died… truly a bad year."
"Hachiko? Hachiko- Hachiko the dog?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "He died in 1935? Wow. Wonder if he's still around right now. Anyways it's the year 1935 and well… King Arthur's in charge of Britain, rifles have only been invented recently, Caesar and Nero are around at the same time, and Genghis Khan is only old enough to be a grandma. Long story short yeah this is a really odd version of 1935."
He turned to look at you, one eyebrow raised. "Are we in a badly written fanfic?"
"I mentioned the Illuminati right."
"Onii-san! Urgent ne-KYAAA!!" Himiko barged into the shop, only to jump back out in fright the moment she saw Lucy.
"Hi Himiko, meet the Devil." I waved, "Don't worry, I'm sure Sei is just as confused as you are."
"Not only her, but I learned this is quite normal when you're around, Commander." Tama spoke up.
"S-Stay back!" Without stepping back inside Himiko waved her stick to Lucy, who looked merely amused. "O-Onii-san! There have been attacks on both Port Moresby and Bali! The culprit is Australia!"
"Motherfucker." I let out before curling my eyebrows, "Wait, where is that?"
"Australia or the other two places she mentioned?" Lucy asked back.
"The other two places. I'm not that bad at geography."
"Commander, Port Moresby and Bali are two of the cities we conquered during our occupation of the South Seas. The final two, in fact." Tama informed me. "Regarding Australia, on the other hand, I believe Cook and Magellan know the most about it. We should ask them."
Oh.
Was that what they were called? I can vaguely remember it…
"Do Drop Bears exist?" I wondered out loud before shaking my head, "Shelve that topic for later let's go go go!"
====
"Australia? It's a quarantine zone for all the most brutal criminals of the EU." Cook replied to our inquiry. "Or rather, it was before we received the order to block all ports and prevent all movements to and from it."
"Prison island, basically." I shrugged, "Also every animal is trying to kill you there so…"
"That's the unofficial reason, yes." She grimaced. "I don't know who had the idea that a sufficiently large number of violent criminals would be enough to keep the fauna in check, but here we are."
"Okay so," I held up a finger, "We just got attacked by Australia. Why? Hell if I know, but we know they did, and I'm assuming the criminals- Well, more attackers aren't under orders of an underground kingdom of mole people so we should probably find that out."
"What is he talking about?" Cook whispered to Yoshi.
"Chen." The ponytailed girl simply replied.
"I can hear you."
====
So after a bit of a rush job to get to the invaded places we found… Well we found something alright. Samurais, Gladiators, Musketeers, oh my!
I'm not even kidding. Apparently "Australia" had samurai.
Why? How? No idea. Then again…
"Oooh, ah… W-What happened...?"
"Wha, what's going on…? Why I am fighting…?"
"I punched you in the face that's what." I sighed before pointing in a different direction, "Congrats you invaded an island, head that way to gain your free sandwich. Quality not guaranteed."
They both looked at me confused before cautiously heading in the direction I pointed in. Another sigh escaped my lips as I rubbed a hand over my face.
Yeah, this. They were out of it, almost as out of it as Illuminati Grunts. As far as we could tell though, this wasn't their doing at all. Unless of course, they switched out their pendants for snake bites that is.
"Lucy, thoughts?"
"I'm still wondering how you persuaded me to come along, but that aside-" He peered closer at the guy's neck, scaring him. "Those are not snake bites. And this smell of blood… ah yes, yes. There are no doubts: vampires."
...Goddammit that adds up. But, still.
"Vampires?" I turned to the snake, "You're fucking with me right?"
"I am most definitely not. Vampires exist, though they are not a creation of the Old Man: he was not very fond of them, saying that drinking blood is frightening unhygienic. Controlling people's minds is one of their powers."
"Do they sparkle as well?" Wait crap, "Sorry not sorry had to say it."
"Worse: they are melodramatic." He shook his head before coiling around a column to rest. "Well, judging by how easy you can snap those mooks out of it you are dealing with either a group of weak vampires or a single, powerful one."
I sighed, "This is officially the most bizarre my life has gotten, and I made enemies with the Illuminati of all things."
"Eh, it's still not as bizarre as the stuff Paul had to go through." The snake grinned. "Did you know that the Greeks invented the Gay Pride? Except they called it Thursday."
Well duh.
"This is the Greeks we're talking about here. That's basically the land of super aggressive homosexuality." I paused, "And Zeus fucking anything that moves."
"Though the Germans come close. ...Well, they did: now I am not sure." Lucy looked thoughtful. "But as much as I enjoy being back to a commentary role, you probably need to continue what you were doing: Australia invaded once, they can do so again."
"Right right…" My words drifted off.
Oh crap, I don't know what to do.
Uh, time to run over to someone more competent and hope they have a plan!
====
"Let's invade Australia!" Nobu proposed the moment the council was fully gathered.
"Supported!" Himiko raised a hand. "For world conquest!"
"Motion… adjourned? Is that how you use that word?" Wish I had a dictionary on me right now… "Anyway good idea I think we were already planning to do that for like, the past few weeks."
"While we were going to Hawaii, yes. By the way, we received a few… complains about Ashoka and Kamehameha." Yoshi sighed. "All of them from women and regarding their choice of clothes, or lack thereof. What should we do about that?"
Oh we're talking about this now.
"I already yelled enough about Ashoka's dress choice when I met her, I'm not wasting anymore words." I sighed tiredly, "As for Kamehameha… She's actually wearing more clothes than I expected."
"I mean, they're not breaking any official rule. It's just…" Yoshi mused. "Let's just bring them to Australia with us for now. Hopefully by the time we return everyone will have forgot the issue."
"You're talking as if it will be easy. Bad attitude, bad attitude." Sun waved her stick. "An enemy divided is an enemy vulnerable. But an enemy without a chain of command is a nightmare. This will be on the test."
Himiko blinked. "Meaning?"
"Meaning, we will have to defeat everyone who want to fight instead of having a general surrender once we bring down the enemy leader. And this is without counting the infamously local fauna." Despite her words she was smiling. "We shall be tempered in the fires of hell. Who's ready for a truly miserable military campaign?"
"Australia," I opened my hands wide. "Truly, European Taika."
====
The first Australian city we reached was called Darwin. And it looked like a bombed old European city not that I knew what an European city actually looked like, from about the early 20th. I couldn't really tell much about the the city itself aside that it looked like it went through an industrial revolution with all the factories and stuff. Honestly, that puts it at like the most technologically advanced city I've seen since I got here, while everyone else is working off what's basically sticks and stones.
It was also completely desert. Like, a fucking ghost town. There was no sign that humans had been living here for a while now, or if they had they were the equivalent of scavengers. What once remained of the city of Darwin was now just rubble and ruin.
"I… Think I can kind of figure out what happened here." I examined the city closer, "Only problem is I can't tell if this was the Illuminati's fault or the, god-fucking-dammit, the vampires fault."
"It's hard to tell if anyone ever lived there." Himiko commented. "It would be convenient if we could occupy this place without any difficulty, of course… Let's try something."
She took a deep breath before shouting. "The Zipang Army has arrived! If anybody is there, please come out! We're exceptionally strong and very reliable! If you intend to surrender, now is the time!"
Silence.
"I-It'll be difficult if you don't come out! We can be really scary when we're mad! It's useless to resist!" Himiko continued. "Throw down your weapons and come out!"
Still silence.
"Himiko I don't think anyone's here." I paused, "Wait for it…"
"Oooyah. What's all this noise?" A female voice called out. "Can't a woman take a nap in peace now?"
There was a brief moment where we all stood silently as the new voice came out onto the scene. She wore a small yellow kimono with weird symbols on it tied with a huge red ribbon. In her hair sat a quite ridiculous ornament with flowers and both red and gold pins sticking out. In her hands she twirled a smoking pipe thing but most pressingly…
"Psst. Himiko, tell me I'm not seeing this wrong." I leaned over to the girl, "Is she wearing a full body stocking?"
"I-It's called a mesh body suit. I think." She replied a bit shakily. "Who are you? If you're here and not being controlled, it must means you're behind all of this!"
"Mh? I'm just a whimsical sophisticate who goes by the motto of duty and humanity." The woman smiled. "I don't know what you're talking about, but I have nothing to do with controlling people."
"Wait…" Yoshi's eyes suddenly widen in recognition. "What a surprise. Aren't you Ishikawa Goemon?"
"Eh?! That's her?!"
"A thief, a ninja and a woman of the people. I had heard she was boiled in a cauldron though…"
"Well, just a little. Slipping out of tight spots is my specialty, you know?" Goemon replied with pride.
"So, what are you doing all the way here?" I asked, "Actually yeah how did you get here did you just set sail for Australia or something?"
"You see, after my escape Zipang was too difficult to stay in, so I headed out for a new place by boarding the first boat I could find. Somehow I ended up here: lovely place, if a bit rough around the edges."
"Right, right…" I nodded, "So, do you know what happened to this city?"
"Mh? It was already like this when I came here, so I-"
A shrill, machine-like sound split the air, so intense my ears hurt.
"Huhh-aah!" Himiko cried out in pain, hands over her ears.
Everyone else was experiencing a similar feeling, but Goemon looked as if she was downright sick. "U-Uwaah…!" She swayed on her feet, eyes losing focus, before suddenly straightening up. "Hehehe…" With an empty, mechanical chuckle she unsheathed her sword. "Today my steel-cutting sword thirsts for blood. There's nothing that can't be cut by this blade… Allow me to prove it to you…"
As if it was a signal soldiers began to march out of the ruined buildings, as if appearing from the shadows. There were Samurai, sailors with sabers, knights in full armor and even ninja.
"Guys," I slowly unsheathed Kusanagi, "I think she got brainwashed."
"Nooo? What was your first clue?" Nobu's voice was so full of snark I could almost feel it beating against my head.
"The eyes. They call me Captain Obvious for a reason you know." I shot back, "Anyways, how much trouble do you think we're in?"
The response came in the form of Goemon putting back her sword into the sheath-and then my body went into overdrive as I blocked a strike aimed straight at my throat, the pipe-smoking woman suddenly in front of me.
"A-Ah… Okay then!" I exclaimed. Holy shit that was close! "This is happening now!"
"E-Everyone! Fight!" Himiko shouted before retreating to safety.
"Now, let's see you cough up some blood..." She started to swing her sword faster and faster, every time putting it back into its sheath before taking it out again. It was like fighting Sasaki, but faster.
It sucked. Majorly.
"Sorry but…" I grunted out as a I struggled to block her strikes, "I like my blood in my body!"
"Ah, AHHHH ♩ !" The rather musical cry heralded the arrival of Kamehameha, her harpoon-like spear slicing through the air from above. Goemon jumped to the side and retaliated immediately, but the green-haired girl proved just as fast and parried the blow. "Nahahaha ♩ ! Chen fights, I fight too! Let's fight together!"
"Oh good, back up!" I let out a breath of relief, "On the count of three pummel her until she's down! On- Three!"
With a loud yell I pushed myself forward to backup Kame's fighting, though Goemon was ridiculously fast and ended up just dodging most of my strikes.
"One, two, three… It makes no difference. I'll cut you all down…" Goemon muttered darkly as our weapons clashed against each other again and again, the clanking of metal so loud and so rapid it all blended together. At one point she flipped the pipe held in her right hand, shuriken appearing around it before she flung them at us.
"FUCKING HOW?!" With a loud cry I quickly dodged the shurikens, "Well if you're gonna be like that… BURN BURN BURN! FIRE IN THE HOUSE HERE WE GO BABY!"
My sword exploded with fire as I used my Brave to push myself faster.
"Cheh!" Something like fear flicked briefly within Goemon's eyes before she jumped back.
Kame pressed the sudden advantage, thrusting her spear at a rapid pace. "No fast enough? Then I be faster!" Her own Brave flowed out of her body in a brilliant green, turning her fast enough to match Goemon.
"COMBO PLATTER!" I felt the energy moving within my blood as I pushed myself faster, my mouth unfortunately saying random bullshit. "ONE ISLAND SPECIAL COMING RIGHT UP!"
Did I know what I was doing with the Brave? No!
And that's fucking terrifying holy shit I'm moving Fasssssst!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS IS THE WORST TIME TO BE EXPERIMENTING WITH BRAVE DAMMIT ME!
Hopefully I'm swinging my sword fast enough that Goemon doesn't realize my internal panic attack!
"Kaa… ZANTE-Guh!" Goemon began to glow red before multiple rings of black, vaguely Indian-like symbols appeared around her body, slowing her down just enough for both mine and Kame's attacks to connect. Somehow there was an explosion and Goemon was flung back, bouncing several times before landing in the groove of a dead tree.
"IT'S A KNOCK-OUT PEOPLE!" Lucy commented loudly from another dead tree, while close by Ashoka had her palms pressed together and glowing with Brave. "IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!"
"The hell's the second one?" I shouted back as I sheathed Kusanagi for now. With a sigh I walked towards the women who just a minute ago had been raving about blood.
"Ugh…" Goemon moaned. "What on earth… was I doing…?"
"This one." Lucy pointed with the tip of his tail. "Knocking some sense into her. Get it? Eh? Eh?"
...Yeah…
"There is a special place in Hell for people like you." I turned back to Goemon, "Hi, welcome back to reality. Apparently you got brainwashed but I punched you so it's all good now."
"...Ah, thank you. It was like I was stuck in a bad dream…" She shifted and winced. "I'm beat."
"So you uh," I wiggled my hands, "You have any idea what that was all about?"
"Uhm… Probably the same reason that got me here. Truth be told I was heading for the new continent, the one they call America, but then I heard this terrible sound… When I woke up I was here. When I hear that sound, how should I put it, I'm not myself anymore."
"Sounds like a brainwashing trigger to me yep yep." My arm extended as I held out my hand, "Come on, we can figure out what the hell happened to you at our base."
"Thank you." I helped her back on her feet, the fighting having dwindle down all around us as more and more people came back to their senses. "Mh, you're strong." Goemon smiled. "I'm sure you'll grown up into a good man."
"Thanks for the compliment but I highly doubt I'm as strong as you think I am." I smiled brightly, "Especially since I'm waiting for any moment where the pain of pushing my body as fast as I did during our fight kicks in. I am operating on so much adrenaline right now hooboy."
"Understandable." Her smile widened. "So I guess this is a good time to mention the only reason I'm standing up is because I'm holding on you?"
"Hahaha ah…" The smile on my face relaxed, "Oh shit."
In the next instant the pain kicked in and we flopped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
"Doctoooor!" Lucy called out with a lazy tone.
===
"Zipang has been unified?" Goemon repeated in wonder after the two of us were healed and the situation was explained to her. "It's gotten more interesting while I've been away, eh?"
"We were able to accomplish it thanks to Onii-san." Himiko declared proudly. "Even if we had to make him King of Zipang in name only…"
"Well I mean, I didn't want the job. You should really make the qualifications more than 'Pull out a sword with more ego then metal'." I commented off handily, throwing a few punches with my now healed up hand. "Man the healers always astound me. Remind me never to experiment with Brave in the middle of combat again."
Ugh that was the worst, I was less human and more a walking block of pain. Wait no, I wasn't even walking. My muscles felt like they were exploding with every move for fucks sake.
"Ah ah!" Goemon laughed. "If the country is unified I don't care if it's on a whim or not. I was fed up with all the internal dissent. It seems my home has become a much easier place to live. Allow me to thank you. The flowers of Zipang might soon blossom once more."
"Yeah well the conflicts all external now, and really confusing as well. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it." Hm, maybe if I… I threw a couple more jabs into the air just to get my heart rate going. Gotta get that Brave up… "Can't really say that it's much better then before but I'm pretty sure if you're a civilian you can just stay at home and not worry about being killed in a civil war. You just have to watch out for the other nations."
"We're aiming for World Conquest!" Himiko added. "Once the world is ours there'll be no war!"
"That's the craziest idea I have ever heard. Then again, you guys look even madder." The kimono-clad woman grinned. "I'm indebted with you. Is there anything you need of me?"
"Check your neck to see if you have any bite marks." I commented. Alright the Brave is flowing through me I just need to… "Here I… GO!"
With all my might I threw a power shot into the air, the Brave rushing through my body like a river to the end of my fist and the energy blasted out of my arm in a boom that echoed through the surrounding area.
I swear everything was dead quite for the following five seconds before my arm started to pulse a bit sore. With a grunt I began to shake my arm, "Yeah, coursing Brave directly through my body… Definitely needs a lot more practice…"
"You'll have to forgive the boy, apparently where he comes from it's considered polite to train while holding a conversation." Lucy said to Goemon while checking her neck. "No bite marks. Judging by the sound we heard before you went all bloodthirsty it's a different kind of mind-control. How needlessly confusing."
"Watch where you're looking." She playfully slapped at the snake's body. "You've got guts."
"Lady, I was there when your race first walked the earth. You lot didn't invent the concept of clothes until much later, and let me tell you." He snorted. "It was not a noteworthy sight."
"...Was that an insult?" Himiko wondered.
"He's saying he's seen better naked things." I nodded sagely, "Truly, a deviant for the ages."
"Ah ah ah!" Goemon laughed again. "You guys sure look like a lot of fun. ...Uhm, why not…?" She seemed to ponder something. "I'll have to decline to serve officially, but do you think you could use a famous thief as an ally? I still have to thank you."
"Sure, as long as the other guy is annoyed to all hell and back, go for it." I shrugged, "Don't see why not."
"However, I'm a wanted woman in Zipang." She reminded me.
I stared at her blankly, "Okay what'd you do…"
"Oh, you know the usual stuff: stealing from the rich to give it to the poor, leaving taunting messages, flirting with married men… and once I got a fine for smoking in a smoke-free area."
Uh…
I turned to Himiko, "Are the second and third ones actually crimes?"
"Well… Not necessarily, no." She answered.
"However, when the victim is a noble even a simple insult can turn into a cause of persecution." Yoshi stared at Goemon. "Really, yo-"
"Aah! Where'd you come from?!" I exclaimed, jumping up. "Christ do you people take lessons on how to sneak up on me?!"
"You were simply too distracted to notice me." She finished with a shake of her head. "Really, both of you are so ridiculous, it's almost fitting. Considering the entity of your crimes I suppose a pardon might be possible…" She put her hands on her hips. "If, you give up your thieving ways."
"No, wait, better idea." I held up a hand, "Sneak into our enemies base's a steal something just minor enough to not be too important but still enough to bug them for the rest of the day. It'll drive them insane and it'll be hilarious."
"Heard the King of Zipang?" Goemon smirked at Yoshi. "Let's get along."
"So ridiculous…" Yoshi shook her head. "Anyway, that's not why I came here. Chen, I need your decision about something important."
"Yes."
"It's not a right/wrong question."
"Do it."
Very delicately she pressed a palm over her face and slowly pull it down. "I'll just say it. According to the soldiers we freed from the mind-control there are three paths that from Darwin go to the rest of Australia: to the south-west is the path to the city of Perth, to the south-east is the path to the city of Brisbane, and going through the center of the continent is the path to a place called Alice Springs. All of them are under enemy control right now, so how should we proceed?"
"Wait wait, hold on." I furrowed my eyebrows, "That last one doesn't sound like a city."
"It is, but there is also a lot of desert around it so not many people move to and from it. As a result both the city and the region are considered the same thing."
"I see I see…" Hm, how should I… I bent my knees into the dirt before drawing a circle, splitting it into three, drawing a P, B, and A into one of each segment before grabbing a stick and throwing it into the circle. "Hm… Brisbane huh…"
Brisbane… Brisbane…
"We're going to Alice Springs." I declared, rubbing the circle out with my foot.
"Cutting straight through it instead of taking the long road, uh?" Yoshi mused. "Risky, but rewarding if successful. We'll need to prepare the necessary equipment to handle the desert and the heat…"
"Pssh! Boy." Lucy whispered to me. "Any special reason for that?"
"Because the stick landed on Brisbane and I want to go to Alice Springs. Gut feeling, you know?" I replied. "Is there any special reason?"
"Just asking."
====
Nothing much happened during our conquest of Alice Springs, apart from BenBen and Lu trying to break the Ayers Rock with their punches and meeting the local fauna.
Which included whales swimming in the desert. Apparently.
"What." I stared at Lancelot who was telling me about her encounter with desert whales. "Whaaaaaat."
"It's true. It was the color of the sand, but the belly was all white." She insisted. "I never seen one before. I wonder how it tastes…"
"Heat stroke?" Nobu, who was listening, asked aloud.
"Heat stroke." Cook, who was also listening, nodded. "There are no whales in the desert."
"Counterpoint." I raised a finger, "This is Australia."
"As if. You know what, let's ask a local."
So we searched for one, until we came across a stereotypical-looking Aborigen sitting on a rock and sharpening his spear. "Excuse me." Cook began. "Can you tell us if there are whales that live in the desert?"
The native stared at us with a face that looked like it was carved from granite, his hands never stopping sharpening the spear. Then, after five or six seconds of silence he slowly looked around before leaning forward and whispering. "We don't acknowledge the Mugga Mugga often. They are… temperamental."
"Oh." I turned to Lancelot. "Oh."
"Oh?" She repeated with a smile, quite clearly missing the point.
"...I refuse to accept this is happening." Cook muttered.
"It is. It's happening." I grinned at the poor woman, "It's happening right now. They exist."
"No. It isn't." Nobu declared. "We don't even know what a Mugga Mugga is."
The native kept sharpening his spear.
====
After Alice Springs, our next stop was the city of Melbourne. Unlike before the enemy army was waiting for us outside the settlement.
European knights, saber-wielding and musket-wielding sailors, samurai, ninja, Mongolian archers and Chinese spearmen.
"So like, I'm wondering." With a wave of my hand I gestured to the enemy soldiers, "You think they were also victims of whatever took Goemon?"
"Either that or, as you said, this 'vampire's bite'." Nobu replied, the concept of vampires novel to people from Zipang. "I'm more wondering how on earth they are able to live, since we found all reserves of food and water completely untouched. They can't just not be eating and drinking anything."
"I've got it!" Himiko punched her palm. "Those people are already dead, and are really ghosts unaware of their own situation!"
I opened my mouth before drawing a blank. Silently, I turned to Satan and stared.
"Don't ask me." The snake moved higher on the conveniently placed wall.
Suddenly the same shrill mechanical sound we heard before fighting Goemon reached our ears. "Tch...! Ow… It's hurting my ears!" Himiko complained.
"God has ordered it of me! Search and destroy!" Someone said in a loud tone, the last phrase spoken in English. "My Lord, I've spotted the target! Now, I will annihilate them!"
Aw shit- "Satan!"
He was nowhere in sight, a sign with 'ON BREAK' written on it in his place. With a gulp I turned to see who shouted that and- Yep, called it. She was a blonde crusader Templar with blue eyes and that traditional red cross symbol thingy. She was literally just a stylish crusader ready to DEUS VULT my ass.
Also she had angel wings.
"Oh…" My eyes went wide, "Fuck."
"Don't pop out so suddenly like that!" Himiko protested. "You scared me!"
"You are my enemies. Those who go against the will of God will not be forgiven. My Lord, give unto me the strength to defeat those enemies!"
A fax-like sound came from her, and she seemed to listen intently to something. "Hmmm… I see. So that is the key to victory… I shall fighting with your guidance, Lord…"
She took out her sword with her left hand, a staff with a long red banner appearing in the right one. "I, the Maiden of Orleans, Joan of Arc, will accomplish my mission! Prepare to be wiped out! That is the order which I have been given!"
"Wait Waiiiiit!" I held my hands up in a T-shape, "I'm pretty sure killing goes against the rules God laid down."
"God wills my actions! And I shall fight for God!" She promptly replied. "Now, let's get on with my victory! Those who defy God shall receive no mercy!"
""NO MERCY!"" The army behind her roared, looking completely fired-up.
"Ugh, goddammit." I unsheathed Kusanagi, "If you're gonna fight in the name of God at least read the goddamn Bible. Don't just listen to some dial up wannabe."
"I shall punish you in the name of God!" The blonde declared before charging at me, a troops of knights, spearmen and ninja following after her. She swung the staff at me, aiming the heavy metal ball on one end at my head, and followed with a sword thrust immediately after that.
"Woah!" I ducked under the- HOLY SHIT THAT BALL IS SPIKEY!
AH! AH IT'S CLOSE- OH GOD SWORD!
Internally panicking as I dodged her weapons, I quickly swung the Kusanagi at her open body.
The blow connected with a clanking sound… and completely failed to hurt her, save for a light cut in her clothes. The other enemy soldiers pounced on the chance and attacked me. Lancelot and Kame intercepted the knights and the spearmen, but the ninja managed to pass through.
"OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!" I screamed, backing away from Joan and quickly slipping behind the ninja and kicked him towards the angel lady. "FUCK FUCK FUCK GUYS!"
"I'm doing my best!" Lancelot was deflecting blow after blow. "My best may not be enough!"
"AhAAAAAHHH!!" Kame was almost dancing through the wall of spear, using her own weapon as a pole to break out some truly mad moves.
Then ninja unleashed a barrage of shurikens.
"Why?! Why is it always shurikens?!" I yelled, slashing all of them away. "GAH! KUSANAGI NO TSURUGI!"
"REVOLUTION!" Joan followed immediately with a yell of her own, raising her sword high in the air. Golden light erupted from the ground before I suddenly felt like God himself just punched me in the gut. The flame burning inside my heart (And boy was that something I'd never thought I'd say) was immediately dimmed as the giant man of fire who was just forming dispersed like the fucking mist.
"Right okay. Ack, that didn't work." I groaned, struggling to stay on my feet. With a glance I looked at the Kusanagi. "I don't suppose you have any ideas?"
The sword vibrated once before, out of nowhere, a gust of wind hit my face. "What."
Two more vibrations, followed by two more gusts of wind, this time colder.
I stared at the sword, "You can do that?"
Another gust, this time warmer.
"Well why didn't you say so- Oh right sword." I gazed at the crusader of DOOM before gulping. "Well, here goes nothing."
With a loud cry I began to slash towards her with all my might, feeling the electric tingle of the brave I had left flowing to my arms so I can slash as fast as possible. The winds began to pick up more and more before what started as a light breeze turned into that of a tempest.
Lancelot, Kame and my own soldiers were behind me, but anyone else found themselves first incapable of advancing through the strong wind, and then lift up in the air like in those videos about tornadoes.
With the sole exception of Joan, who merely found herself severely slowed down. "Mmh… Mmh… I was not informed of this." She hummed while fighting through the wind to take a step forward, her expression unchanging. "Is this another trial from God? Oh Lord, please give guidance to your humble servant!"
"Noooooope!!!!" I began swing as fast as I could, feeling like I was pushing my body to the absolute limit. "Nope! Nope! Noooooope!"
The tempest turned into a mini hurricane, enemy soldiers flung in the distance like ragdolls and debris of every type being uprooted before joining them. All it did to Joan was stopping the girl in her tracks, one foot raised in the middle of advancing and body trembling under the strain. "God… Is my… guide…"
A gunshot slammed into her chest, tilting her back, followed by a cannonball exploding right in her face. Joan landed on her back, the wind slowly pushing her away even as she struggled to get up. "Holy shit what does it take to put her down?!" Nobu screamed in the distance.
"Probably a whale!" I shouted, "Or- The fruit!"
"Sacred fruit, yes?" Kame asked, holding Lancelot above her head. "You still have it?"
"I mean I planted it in a backyard but I don't know if those grew ye-" I turned around to yell out behind me, "SEI! DO YOU HAVE IT ON YOU RIGHT NOW?! THE FRUIT!"
"Oh? yes, but… Muuh! Give me a few minutes!" She shouted back.
Joan has managed to roll over on her stomach, and now she was trying to move her body around to face us again.
"HURRY!" MY ARMS BURN, "I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN KEEP THIS UP!"
"I may have an idea." Lancelot raised a hand. "Why not put something heavy on her?"
"Like what?" Arms… Gotta… Keep… Flapping… "Nobu?"
"Silence, I'm thinking!" She shouted before talking again after a few seconds. "Got it! Everyone, pick up as much as you can in your arms and jump on top of blonde there! We'll bury her in bodies."
"That's dark…" I heard Himiko mutter.
"Christ, fuck no." I shivered, "Someone just, like, sit on her. Hey do you think Lu is up for it?"
In the end it took ten people, including BenBen, Lu and a transformed Goku holding down Joan's limbs to stop her. The girl kept struggling even as Sei arrived with the fruit, cut up to remove the seeds but still fresh, and handed it to me.
Carefully, I walked up to Joan. "You ever read the book of Genesis?"
"I have the whole Bible memorized." She replied in a monotone. "Would you like to hear about our Lord and Saviour?"
"Oh I've heard the gospel." I held up the fruit, "I was just worried I'd have to explain what the first sin is."
And with that I began the most epic struggle to force a fruit into a girl's mouth.
"Come on eat it!"
"What are-Gobuh!" She mumbled incoherently and trashed as I forced her to chew and swallow. "S-S-Sour!" Her eyes widened, the arms of the crosses within them extending to touch the edge of the iris. "My connection to God… What have I... ungh…" She blinked a few times, her features softening. "The dark curse, it has been lifted…"
"Wow, that actually worked." I blinked, "Hey Satan I think you can come out now."
"Is she finally out of it?" The red snake slithered out from behind a rock. "Hello Joan, I really didn't expect to see you again."
"Petit Rouge? It's been a while." She greeted back. "Do you have more tests from God for me?"
"Do not call me that! And I never gave you a test! How many times I need to repeat it?!" He slapped his tail on the ground. "Of all the thick-headed idiots I had to follow, you're the worst!"
"Wait- Dude." I held up a hand, "She remembers you. Haven't you spent the last few centuries on Hawaii?"
"Yeah, and that's the strangest thing. Beside her being alive, that is: I guess this time around the French are not insane enough to search for an active volcano in order to get rid of her." He rolled his eyes.
"Ah, to be banished from my birth country, so painful…" Joan paused. "If possible, could you let me off?"
"Off the banishment thing or off the people sitting on you?"
"The second."
"Right okay she's good everybody get off." I called. The sounds of grumbling and moving bodies filled the battlefield until no one was sitting on her any more, allowing her to stand up.
"I give my deepest thanks to the herald who has come from Heaven. You've flown down to save me from one who has been manipulating me." She offered me a short bow and a smile. "When I was set adrift unto this land, God had decreed it. I would be saved by a magnificent King whom I should serve for life." Many snickers erupted around at the 'magnificent' part. "I had been floating on the surface of a dark curse… But a strong hand has pulled me up just as I was about to sink further. It was yours. The one whom I would serve has finally appeared before me."
If by strong hand you mean shoving a piece of fruit down your throat…
"Ah right, yeah. They call me the Servant of Heaven sometimes. Pretty sure I'm not actually from there though." I paused before turning to the snake, "Satan am I from Heaven?"
"Nope. I'm almost sure you have the requisites to enter, but nope."
Another fax-like sound was heard, Joan listening in silence for a short while. "God has decreed! I have been given the honor of revealing his will! Listen to the Holy Verb!" She cleared her throat before starting to speak in a monotone. "Damn it woman, stop calling me God! Do you even hear anything I tell you? Whatever. Chen, here's the medium I promised. Enjoy."
I blinked, "Oh… God why didn't I figure this out beforehand."
"Ah, what joy I feel at being bestowed with such a holy task…" Joan sighed contently before kneeling in front of me. "From henceforth, I shall serve the King of Zipang. Please allow me to serve at your side."
"Okay." I nodded, "Wait now that we found her all we need to do is kick a vampire- Stop. Hold on, if the Counterforce was communicating to you like we saw in the fight then... who distorted the message?"
"My thanks. With this I have obeyed God's guidance. I shall serve my King with my life as he should so please. Unfortunately, I do not know who casted the dark curse on me: I only know that, every time I heard that unholy sound, I stopped being myself…"
Another fax-like sound. "Ah, a new oracle has… Hmmm, so that was it. God has decreed! The culprit is the dreaded Lord Impaler itself! Vlad Tepes of Wallachia!" She stood up and grabbed my arm. "And Joan of Arc is hungry!"
"I did not miss this…" Lucy bemoaned.
Last edited:
EmpirePlayer
Anyone need some chaos?
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2014
- Messages
- 1,209
Wait what?
I imagine that's just a typo. Also, I want to see Chen's reaction when he realizes Vlad here is a loli but still deserves her 'Impaler' title.
Frankfawn43
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2015
- Messages
- 455
This is great stuff.
Chapter 44: Monster Mash
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 12,415
Chapter 44: Monster Mash
====
It's Dracula.
Because of course it's Dracula.
I mean, is there any other famous vampire?
Fricken Edward?
Okay that's enough Twilight jokes.
"Is everyone here?" Yoshi looked around, receiving various nods in return. "Good. Now, regarding this… supposed oracle-"
"God does not lie." Joan said, having never left my side for even a moment. "To claim the contrary is to commit heresy!"
I raised my hand, "I can vouch that I have talked to who she's speaking of."
Quietly I looked around before leaning into Yoshi's ear and whispering, "He's not God but she won't believe that so just play along."
"...I will take you up on that." She whispered back before addressing the crowd again. "So, is there anyone among you who knows something about this Vlad Tepes person?"
"Have you heard of Dracula?" I asked, "I dunno if Gothic Horror happened yet."
"No, I haven't. I know what Horror as a genre is, but not Gothic Horror."
"I know about Wallachia." Cook raised a hand. "It's a region of the EU, a minor one. And… that's it, sorry."
"Okay so like, from my foggy memories." I began, holding up a finger. "Vlad Tepes, the inspiration for the gothic horror character Dracula, was a uh, guy. In Vaulchia? That how you pronounce it? Anyways he uh, was known as "Vlad the Impaler" because he was known for impaling people. A lot. Though it seems like we're dealing with a "Vlad but it's Dracula" kinda situation since they're a vampire."
"Don't be ridiculous. Vampires and ghosts don't exist." The bespectacled girl countered. "They're just stories used to scare little kids."
I looked at Cook, "Yeah well I thought sea monsters didn't exist. But they do. I thought parallel universes didn't exist. But here I am. I thought Satan didn't exist, but there he is. Right there. Say hi Satan."
"Hi." The red snake replied. "Though I'm pretty sure that, by now, everyone consider me an amusing oddity. Nothing against it, really, but I'm afraid it's not helping your case. If you want, however, I can tell you about the Tepes line."
"Sally you're a fucking talking snake you're helping my case. Probably." I sighed, "But go ahead. Infodump us."
"Alright. Due to the currently fucked-up history I'll not bore you with dates and details. Wallachia as a country began with a guy named Bezerenbam, who had to defend his country by an invasion. A century or two later his descendant, Basarab, became the first official ruler of an independent country. The thing is, Wallachia is an elective monarchy: for those of you who don't know, it means the ruler is chosen among a pool of candidates. Slightly more effective than a hereditary one, but still full of complots and backstabbing. From Basarab descended two main lineages: the Dănești and the Drăculești. After a Dănești ruler was chosen nine times in a row the Drăculești were very vexed, so they sought… an advantage."
"Those… well you said something alright." I nodded, "So yadayadayada proto-Drac line murdered Dan or something, took over, things happened, the Tepes family came about and the Vlad was born. Eventually. Did I get that right?"
"As far as it concerns us? Yes." He nodded. "The point is that Vlad III Tepes, the one we're dealing with, is a Trueborn Vampire. Not as powerful as one who got turned into a Vampire, but still very strong. Sunlight isn't lethal to Trueborns, though they find it very irritating. Garlic disgusts them, and crosses offend their artistic sensibilities. As you already saw they can hypnotize people and make them their thralls, turn into bats and a few others abilities designed to make them properly edgy."
"Holy water?"
"They don't like water. Period. All that perfume? It's not just to be snobbish."
"Right check that off the list of vampire weaknesses." I nodded, "I believe all that's left for the common facts are 'Can't see self in mirror', 'Can't enter other peoples territories without permission', and Counting."
"Vampires are vain: when they look into a mirror they see only themselves. And the last two are due to a mixture of OCD and pride: they could enter other people's territories without permission, but it would look bad on them, and they're order freaks." Lucy scoffed. "And they wonder why they're so unpopular…"
"Okay then." I nodded, "Right, order of priority is locating Vlad's castle, because let's face it it's probably going to be a castle. My best bet is that it's on the other side of Australia."
"According to the information I gathered there are three cities left in Australia." Tama opened a rough map of the continent on the table. "Perth to the West, Sydney and Brisbane to the east."
"Perth is alone but on the other side of Australia, while Sydney and Brisbane are close by." Yoshi hummed. "I'm worried about stretching our forces too thin. So far all messages from Darwin said everything's fine, but we shouldn't become complacent."
"Well you know, we could make a decision, based on out best intellectual guess." Mmm, "But, you know, I just realized something. We have Diviners. We can always go ask Sei… and maybe Himiko. Just maybe."
"YES!" Said girl stood up, a large grin on her lips. "I'll show everyone that I am the only future-seeing girl this army needs! Leave it to me!"
====
Three hours later, Himiko was still kneeling in front of a hastily put together and consecrated Japanese shrine, frantically waving a gohei left and right while beseeching various deities for help.
"That's the one hundred and second deity." Lucy draw another line on the wall. "Seven millions, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, eight hundred ninety-eight to go."
"Honestly I kind of want to try myself." I shrugged, "But I only know one guy who might answer and Joan hasn't reported back to me anything so… Eh, still want to try though."
"The guy who's using the connection the Old Man used to communicate with Joan, yes?" The snake asked.
"That'd be the one yes."
"Ah, I remember when it looked like a good idea…" He snorted. "A simple, honest girl instead of an old fanatic. Except for the fact that, once she decides on something, there is no way to persuade her otherwise."
"I mean he chose a christian, no offense to those guys bit 'Headstrong' is an understatement." I had intense discussions one too many times with pastors to not know that! "Heeeeey. Himiko. Pass the gohei, I want to try now."
"No! I'm so close, I can feel it!" She increased her tempo, spouting more Japanese prayers and even a few Buddhist-sounding ones.
"Can't we just roll a dice?" Lucy wondered. "I never bet on my luck, but at this point-"
"Yes! I can see it!" Himiko jumped to her feet and pointed the gohei north-east. "A rabbit and a bear are waiting for us in that direction." She blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Um, who the hell answered her? So Aboriginal god?" I shook my head and sighed, "Welp, fuck it, who wants to pet a bunny?"
"That way there's Sydney, so why not? At this point…"
====
After a few days of marching through the relatively green Australian coast we reached Sydney. It looked like all the other bombed-out cities we passed so far, except for that theater that appears in almost all pictures about the city. You know, the one with the big white things that look like someone saw a shark and thought it would be a good idea to turn it's fins into a building.
You know the one I'm talking about don't lie.
"Dracula's in there." I pointed at the building, "Or at least someone is. But it's probably Dracula."
"What makes you say that?" Nobu asked. "Wouldn't it make more sense to face us on open ground instead?"
"Well for one, that's a theater and Satan already said vampires are melodramatic." My eyes rolled, "Secondly, that's the only intact building around. Come on, something is in there. Now just in case, did anyone else prepare vampire countermeasures?"
I grabbed a brown bag on my wrist before shaking it. "Cause I know I did."
"The holy equipment has been consecrated and sanctified!" Joan lifted a cross as tall as her, her banner fixed on the top, in one hand, and in the other… a seltzer bottle.
"I have the garlic." Himiko was holding a bowl full of said plant.
"Good enough." I nodded, "Alrighty then, let's go meet a vampire. And also someone tell Cook that we did just so I can prove her wrong specifically."
====
So we walked into the theater and-
"Oh god no."
Stage with a spotlight on it? Check.
Knights in black armor? Check.
Are they also kneeling down? Double check.
"I'm sorry, I must've gotten the wrong place." I nodded, "When the hell did I walk onto the set of Castlevania."
"I am a denizen of the twilight…" A voice began. Ow. ow. ow. It's too cringy. "I am the Impaler, a name that carries out its own judgment… Punishment for sinners-"
Yeah that's it.
"GET ON WITH IT!"
"Impudent fool." Shadows gathered on the stage, forming a shape. "Who are you, to dare interrupt me?"
"Someone with a much better sense of dramatics, clearly." I shot back to the shadows, "I mean really, 'Denizen of the twilight'? 'Punishment for sinners'? Those lines have been used to death. And I know what you're gonna call me next, something along the lines of 'Miserable cur' or 'Brute'. Please, tell me which one it's going to be. The suspense is killing me."
"I shall call you insolent wench." The shape stepped forward, the darkness pulling back to revealing the person under it. "I am the Impaler of Wallachia, Vlad Tepes. Ruler of this land of Australia, the one you have been looking for…"
Her skin was pale, as if she hadn't stepped in the sun for years while her hair was as freshly laid snow. I'd go into more of these metaphors but I'm not going to waste them on her. She looked pretty small honestly, and might be taking this whole impaler thing too much since she was holding a stuffed bear that was well.. impaled with several spikes. Other then that there was nothing else noteworthy other then the fact that her pupils were literally bats and… Oh. Oh boy.
"Ha! That pendant!" I pointed towards the girl, "Tell me, are you so borish as to be one of those who proclaim themselves to be the masters in the dark or are you naught but a puppet dancing to their strings?"
...I coughed.
Damn this girl was getting me in a mood.
"What a nonsensical question…" She was completely unfazed. "I've appeared before you in order to carry out your judgment… Now, it's time to be punished! I will impale the lot of you! Come, my executioner: the time has come to do your duty!"
"Who are you calling your executioner, you fake child-hag?!" Someone shouted from the back of the stage. With the sound of chains and something very heavy being dragged another person joined Vlad on the stage.
She was… Um… She was a blonde girl with a black hat that split off into rabbit ears while wearing… swimsuitish blue and white striped clothes. The girl also had a giant pink bunny and an equally giant- I think it's a canon? And she was chained down with an iron ball as well.
That is.
Well that is an outfit.
"Ah!" Himiko pointed. "The bear and the rabbit!"
"I see your tongue is as foul as ever." Vlad remarked to the blonde. "Mayhap I should impale it?"
"The truth is foul now? I wonder what say about you then." The blonde shot back before sitting down on the iron ball and lifting the cannon on her shoulder. "Whatever, I was dying of boredom anyway. Kicking those guys' butts sounds like good entertainment."
"Wait!" Himiko raised a hand. "Who are you?!"
"Me? I'm Galileo. Galileo Galilei."
...Never heard of her.
The blonde pointed the cannon at Himiko, ripping out a massive bullet from the rabbit's neck and stuffing it inside the barrel. "And, let me guess, you're dead meat!" She shouted before firing.
OH SHIT- "LU!"
"On it!" The redhead swung one of her spears, cutting the bullet in half and sending the two halves exploding away from us.
That was when the black knights stood up, pointed their spears at us and began marching.
"Alright." I unsheathed Kusanagi, "Anyone who can destroy a cannon ball go after the Galileo chick, other then that the rest of you take out the black knights. Oh, and I'm going to need Goemon to help me go after Dracula."
"Mh? Is it already time for me to fight? Oh well." The thief took another deep breath from her pipe before emptying it into the ground and putting it inside her cleavage. "Lead the way, I guess."
"No no, you have a better job to do." I glanced around before gesturing to the women to come over so that I could lean in and whisper instructions. "See that pendant around her neck? I'm gonna distract her and then make an opening, when I do that I need you to steal it from her. Do not wear it."
"Just that? Alright then, that's more up my alley." She grinned before jumping away, doing a few aerial stunts before disappearing into the shadows.
Fricken phantom thief.
"Hey Joan!" I called out as my commanders began to do battle, "You wanna help?!"
There was a fax-like sound. "Uhm… I see, I see. I understand." She looked back at me. "God hath spoken! Joan of Arc shall help you!"
"You needed a god's help to figure that out?!" Himiko asked with an incredulous tone.
"Whatever don't question it!" I shouted, pointing my sword at the vampire. "VLAD!"
"There is nowhere to run." With one hand she ripped out one spike from the teddy bear, which lengthened to roughly one meter and half. "Learn the true meaning of fear… I will impale you and leave your corpse to rot!"
She exploded into bats, which fly screeching through the air and over the black knights, before reforming above me, spike poised to skewer me.
"WOAH SHIT!" I shouted as I threw my body away from where the spike was poised. There was a loud crash as she came crashing down into the floor.
She flipped into a standing position and stabbed at me again. That was when I noticed the tip of her spike was coated in a dripping red liquid.
"Is that blood or did you just dip that in tomato sauce." I yelped, twisting my body to avoid her thrusts.
"Wouldn't you like to know…?" She smirked before switching to sweeping motions.
"God! Watch over me!" Joan swung her cross, which Vlad parried while eyeing it with distaste. Then she yelped when the blonde sprayed her with water directly in the face.
"Abominable wench!" Vlad screeched before pushing Joan away with a kick.
I dashed in, Kusanagi lighting up on fire as I slashed at the white haired vampire. The red liquid surged around the spike, forming a barrier between the fire and Vlad. "Your spirit is strong." The vampire commented while the liquid barrier hissed and bubbled. "I'll make sure to drink every last drop of your blood before making you disappear!"
More spikes emerged from the bear, all aiming to stab me.
"Oh fuck me that's not fair." I quickly looked around before jumping into a roll and holding Joan up in front of me. "You have defensive measures right?!"
"God is my shield!" Another fax-like sound. "God hath spoken! Joan must say those exact words: 'Use my body as a shield, I can survive it'. Ah, such bliss!"
I blinked at the girl.
Okay I didn't know I was dealing with a masochist.
Anyways, I quickly pressed up as close to the girl before looking at Vlad, surrounded by walls of blood and spikes that began to press towards us.
This wasn't good. This was far from good. I won't be able to effectively use 'that' unless I weaken her a little but I can't even get a goddamn hit in!
Come on… Think… There's gotta be something… Garlic? No that'd distract her but it won't weaken her. I'd need something like…. like a seal! Who do I know who can do sealing?
That's right, Sei! She sealed away the golden fleece!
And she was currently… Engaging the black knights in the back. I couldn't even shout towards her, I could barely hear anything in that direction beyond the sound of explosion and mad laughter.
I quickly began waving like a madman while the spikes drew closer, hoping to get her attention.
"Now, disappear! EU SUNT DRACUL!" The tide of blood and spikes began to close around us.
AH! AH THIS IS BAD! THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD! IT SMELLS! THOSE SPIKES ARE SHARP! AH! AHHHHH!
"FLARE BLAST!"
And then a cannonball wreathed in flames soared above our heads and blew through the vampire's attack before engulfing the white-haired girl into an explosion.
"And it's! HOME! RUN!" I heard Mazero cheering.
"Oh my god Mazero I am so happy to see you right now you have no idea." I sighed in relief before looking back at Sei. "Alright let's try this to get her attention."
I held Kusanagi at the black knight she was fighting before pushing my Brave through. "KUSANAGI FIRE!"
The hot stream blasted through the stage as the foxy women swiftly moved out of the way. In a wave of heat the fire hit the knight, sending him toppling backwards.
"Sei!" I yelled as she looked my way. "I need a seal! Send a Shikigami!"
"A Seal? With so little preparations…" She fumbled with the Shikigami before sending one my way. "Hope this is enough!"
"Thanks!" I caught the paper servant before pulling out a tag. I winced as another explosion boomed from that direction. I don't even know if this will work but if it worked on the Greeks then it should work on some half-wit European from a no-name country!
"Who dared?" The vampire marched out of the explosion, sneering in fury as her body visibly healed under my eyes. "Who dared using a sneak attack on me, the great Impaler!?"
"We did! And we have no regrets!" I shouted, "Himiko! Unleash the Garlic!"
"Take this!" Himiko began to throw garlic at Vlad. "And this! And also this!"
"Ack! Blah! Blugh!" The vampire sputtered and gagged, stepping away in a hurry. "What ignominy is this?! Guh! Away! Away with you!"
Alright! Now all I need to do is apply the seal!
Shit, those spikes are probably automatic considering they still activated last time I tried to slash her so I can't just run in…
Idea.
"Hey, Mazero!" With a charge I sheath my sword and ran to the redhead before jumping towards her. "I need you to throw me above her!"
"I'll give you my best shot! Let's go, Francisco!" She caught me with one hand, spun around on the tip of one foot and then threw me back. Together as one we yelled before I went flying in the air. "FRIENDSHIP CANNON!!!"
"CHEE-HOO!" I shouted, spinning to face the white vampire before tossing the tag at her as fast as I could.
"What is the -Blah!- meaning of this?!" Vlad's eyes widened in confusion as it landed on her forehead. She kept gagging from the stench of garlic.
"Well you see!" My feet landed on the ground, "Okay haha! Nailed that landing! Anyways, this may be a bit cheap but we gotta work every advantage we can get! Speaking of!"
I circled in front of Vlad, "I've got one last trick up my sleeve! Hope you enjoy it!"
My heart raced as I grabbed the pouch on my waist, through it up in the air before catching it and dumping out the contents. Instantly, what sounded like rain pouring reached my ears as tens of metal balls spilled out onto the stage. They rolled and poured until the ground in front of us was filled with the spheres.
Vlad's eyes went even wider.
"You know truth be told I didn't check how many I put in the bag." I smirked, knowing full well what I was doing. "You mind counting them for me?"
"Wha-What? Why should I, a proud denizen of the twilight-" She went to her knees and began picking up sphere. "One, two, three- Wait, that's not the time for this! Four, five, six- but, but the disorder! By the darkness, this is unbearable! Seven, eight-"
"And~" I looked at the darkness before snapping my fingers. "Now!"
"Don't mind if I do~!" An hand emerged from the shadows - and snatched away Vlad's pendant.
"Wha…!" The vampire dropped both the spheres she picked up and the teddy bear. "Hnngh...!? Un, uhn, uwah… UWAHHHH!!!"
Waves of darkness spread out from her, dissipating into the air. "...Hngh, to think I'd allow such foolishness to take me over…" She panted, picking up her teddy bear and hugging it with both arms.
"Okay! Whatever you do do not look down!" I held my hands up before looking at Goemon, "Hey go check out the Rabbit over there to see if she has a pendant to steal as well."
"Kay~" She replied without even revealing herself.
"Alright~" I sighed in relief, the adrenaline slowly beginning to die down. "You're not going to fight us anymore are you?"
"I am the Impaler, Vlad Tepes… I am a denizen of the twilight… A proud vampire... And in the end, I have become just a puppet." She snorted in anger before suddenly standing up. "I will not disgrace myself further. Consider this your… recompense… for services rendered."
Ooooh fancy words.
Soon the explosions began to die down and the black knights all collapsed on the floor with a loud clang.
Huh, I guess Galileo was just Vlad mind controlled instead of Illuminati mind control.
...Mind Controller being controlled by a mind controller…
Heh.
"Hey guys!" I shouted at the rest of the commanders, "Pack it up! Fight's over!"
I felt a slap on my back. "Your piece of paper. Take it back."
My body jolted up before beginning to slow down.
Aw shit.
====
It's Dracula.
Because of course it's Dracula.
I mean, is there any other famous vampire?
Fricken Edward?
Okay that's enough Twilight jokes.
"Is everyone here?" Yoshi looked around, receiving various nods in return. "Good. Now, regarding this… supposed oracle-"
"God does not lie." Joan said, having never left my side for even a moment. "To claim the contrary is to commit heresy!"
I raised my hand, "I can vouch that I have talked to who she's speaking of."
Quietly I looked around before leaning into Yoshi's ear and whispering, "He's not God but she won't believe that so just play along."
"...I will take you up on that." She whispered back before addressing the crowd again. "So, is there anyone among you who knows something about this Vlad Tepes person?"
"Have you heard of Dracula?" I asked, "I dunno if Gothic Horror happened yet."
"No, I haven't. I know what Horror as a genre is, but not Gothic Horror."
"I know about Wallachia." Cook raised a hand. "It's a region of the EU, a minor one. And… that's it, sorry."
"Okay so like, from my foggy memories." I began, holding up a finger. "Vlad Tepes, the inspiration for the gothic horror character Dracula, was a uh, guy. In Vaulchia? That how you pronounce it? Anyways he uh, was known as "Vlad the Impaler" because he was known for impaling people. A lot. Though it seems like we're dealing with a "Vlad but it's Dracula" kinda situation since they're a vampire."
"Don't be ridiculous. Vampires and ghosts don't exist." The bespectacled girl countered. "They're just stories used to scare little kids."
I looked at Cook, "Yeah well I thought sea monsters didn't exist. But they do. I thought parallel universes didn't exist. But here I am. I thought Satan didn't exist, but there he is. Right there. Say hi Satan."
"Hi." The red snake replied. "Though I'm pretty sure that, by now, everyone consider me an amusing oddity. Nothing against it, really, but I'm afraid it's not helping your case. If you want, however, I can tell you about the Tepes line."
"Sally you're a fucking talking snake you're helping my case. Probably." I sighed, "But go ahead. Infodump us."
"Alright. Due to the currently fucked-up history I'll not bore you with dates and details. Wallachia as a country began with a guy named Bezerenbam, who had to defend his country by an invasion. A century or two later his descendant, Basarab, became the first official ruler of an independent country. The thing is, Wallachia is an elective monarchy: for those of you who don't know, it means the ruler is chosen among a pool of candidates. Slightly more effective than a hereditary one, but still full of complots and backstabbing. From Basarab descended two main lineages: the Dănești and the Drăculești. After a Dănești ruler was chosen nine times in a row the Drăculești were very vexed, so they sought… an advantage."
"Those… well you said something alright." I nodded, "So yadayadayada proto-Drac line murdered Dan or something, took over, things happened, the Tepes family came about and the Vlad was born. Eventually. Did I get that right?"
"As far as it concerns us? Yes." He nodded. "The point is that Vlad III Tepes, the one we're dealing with, is a Trueborn Vampire. Not as powerful as one who got turned into a Vampire, but still very strong. Sunlight isn't lethal to Trueborns, though they find it very irritating. Garlic disgusts them, and crosses offend their artistic sensibilities. As you already saw they can hypnotize people and make them their thralls, turn into bats and a few others abilities designed to make them properly edgy."
"Holy water?"
"They don't like water. Period. All that perfume? It's not just to be snobbish."
"Right check that off the list of vampire weaknesses." I nodded, "I believe all that's left for the common facts are 'Can't see self in mirror', 'Can't enter other peoples territories without permission', and Counting."
"Vampires are vain: when they look into a mirror they see only themselves. And the last two are due to a mixture of OCD and pride: they could enter other people's territories without permission, but it would look bad on them, and they're order freaks." Lucy scoffed. "And they wonder why they're so unpopular…"
"Okay then." I nodded, "Right, order of priority is locating Vlad's castle, because let's face it it's probably going to be a castle. My best bet is that it's on the other side of Australia."
"According to the information I gathered there are three cities left in Australia." Tama opened a rough map of the continent on the table. "Perth to the West, Sydney and Brisbane to the east."
"Perth is alone but on the other side of Australia, while Sydney and Brisbane are close by." Yoshi hummed. "I'm worried about stretching our forces too thin. So far all messages from Darwin said everything's fine, but we shouldn't become complacent."
"Well you know, we could make a decision, based on out best intellectual guess." Mmm, "But, you know, I just realized something. We have Diviners. We can always go ask Sei… and maybe Himiko. Just maybe."
"YES!" Said girl stood up, a large grin on her lips. "I'll show everyone that I am the only future-seeing girl this army needs! Leave it to me!"
====
Three hours later, Himiko was still kneeling in front of a hastily put together and consecrated Japanese shrine, frantically waving a gohei left and right while beseeching various deities for help.
"That's the one hundred and second deity." Lucy draw another line on the wall. "Seven millions, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, eight hundred ninety-eight to go."
"Honestly I kind of want to try myself." I shrugged, "But I only know one guy who might answer and Joan hasn't reported back to me anything so… Eh, still want to try though."
"The guy who's using the connection the Old Man used to communicate with Joan, yes?" The snake asked.
"That'd be the one yes."
"Ah, I remember when it looked like a good idea…" He snorted. "A simple, honest girl instead of an old fanatic. Except for the fact that, once she decides on something, there is no way to persuade her otherwise."
"I mean he chose a christian, no offense to those guys bit 'Headstrong' is an understatement." I had intense discussions one too many times with pastors to not know that! "Heeeeey. Himiko. Pass the gohei, I want to try now."
"No! I'm so close, I can feel it!" She increased her tempo, spouting more Japanese prayers and even a few Buddhist-sounding ones.
"Can't we just roll a dice?" Lucy wondered. "I never bet on my luck, but at this point-"
"Yes! I can see it!" Himiko jumped to her feet and pointed the gohei north-east. "A rabbit and a bear are waiting for us in that direction." She blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Um, who the hell answered her? So Aboriginal god?" I shook my head and sighed, "Welp, fuck it, who wants to pet a bunny?"
"That way there's Sydney, so why not? At this point…"
====
After a few days of marching through the relatively green Australian coast we reached Sydney. It looked like all the other bombed-out cities we passed so far, except for that theater that appears in almost all pictures about the city. You know, the one with the big white things that look like someone saw a shark and thought it would be a good idea to turn it's fins into a building.
You know the one I'm talking about don't lie.
"Dracula's in there." I pointed at the building, "Or at least someone is. But it's probably Dracula."
"What makes you say that?" Nobu asked. "Wouldn't it make more sense to face us on open ground instead?"
"Well for one, that's a theater and Satan already said vampires are melodramatic." My eyes rolled, "Secondly, that's the only intact building around. Come on, something is in there. Now just in case, did anyone else prepare vampire countermeasures?"
I grabbed a brown bag on my wrist before shaking it. "Cause I know I did."
"The holy equipment has been consecrated and sanctified!" Joan lifted a cross as tall as her, her banner fixed on the top, in one hand, and in the other… a seltzer bottle.
"I have the garlic." Himiko was holding a bowl full of said plant.
"Good enough." I nodded, "Alrighty then, let's go meet a vampire. And also someone tell Cook that we did just so I can prove her wrong specifically."
====
So we walked into the theater and-
"Oh god no."
Stage with a spotlight on it? Check.
Knights in black armor? Check.
Are they also kneeling down? Double check.
"I'm sorry, I must've gotten the wrong place." I nodded, "When the hell did I walk onto the set of Castlevania."
"I am a denizen of the twilight…" A voice began. Ow. ow. ow. It's too cringy. "I am the Impaler, a name that carries out its own judgment… Punishment for sinners-"
Yeah that's it.
"GET ON WITH IT!"
"Impudent fool." Shadows gathered on the stage, forming a shape. "Who are you, to dare interrupt me?"
"Someone with a much better sense of dramatics, clearly." I shot back to the shadows, "I mean really, 'Denizen of the twilight'? 'Punishment for sinners'? Those lines have been used to death. And I know what you're gonna call me next, something along the lines of 'Miserable cur' or 'Brute'. Please, tell me which one it's going to be. The suspense is killing me."
"I shall call you insolent wench." The shape stepped forward, the darkness pulling back to revealing the person under it. "I am the Impaler of Wallachia, Vlad Tepes. Ruler of this land of Australia, the one you have been looking for…"
Her skin was pale, as if she hadn't stepped in the sun for years while her hair was as freshly laid snow. I'd go into more of these metaphors but I'm not going to waste them on her. She looked pretty small honestly, and might be taking this whole impaler thing too much since she was holding a stuffed bear that was well.. impaled with several spikes. Other then that there was nothing else noteworthy other then the fact that her pupils were literally bats and… Oh. Oh boy.
"Ha! That pendant!" I pointed towards the girl, "Tell me, are you so borish as to be one of those who proclaim themselves to be the masters in the dark or are you naught but a puppet dancing to their strings?"
...I coughed.
Damn this girl was getting me in a mood.
"What a nonsensical question…" She was completely unfazed. "I've appeared before you in order to carry out your judgment… Now, it's time to be punished! I will impale the lot of you! Come, my executioner: the time has come to do your duty!"
"Who are you calling your executioner, you fake child-hag?!" Someone shouted from the back of the stage. With the sound of chains and something very heavy being dragged another person joined Vlad on the stage.
She was… Um… She was a blonde girl with a black hat that split off into rabbit ears while wearing… swimsuitish blue and white striped clothes. The girl also had a giant pink bunny and an equally giant- I think it's a canon? And she was chained down with an iron ball as well.
That is.
Well that is an outfit.
"Ah!" Himiko pointed. "The bear and the rabbit!"
"I see your tongue is as foul as ever." Vlad remarked to the blonde. "Mayhap I should impale it?"
"The truth is foul now? I wonder what say about you then." The blonde shot back before sitting down on the iron ball and lifting the cannon on her shoulder. "Whatever, I was dying of boredom anyway. Kicking those guys' butts sounds like good entertainment."
"Wait!" Himiko raised a hand. "Who are you?!"
"Me? I'm Galileo. Galileo Galilei."
...Never heard of her.
The blonde pointed the cannon at Himiko, ripping out a massive bullet from the rabbit's neck and stuffing it inside the barrel. "And, let me guess, you're dead meat!" She shouted before firing.
OH SHIT- "LU!"
"On it!" The redhead swung one of her spears, cutting the bullet in half and sending the two halves exploding away from us.
That was when the black knights stood up, pointed their spears at us and began marching.
"Alright." I unsheathed Kusanagi, "Anyone who can destroy a cannon ball go after the Galileo chick, other then that the rest of you take out the black knights. Oh, and I'm going to need Goemon to help me go after Dracula."
"Mh? Is it already time for me to fight? Oh well." The thief took another deep breath from her pipe before emptying it into the ground and putting it inside her cleavage. "Lead the way, I guess."
"No no, you have a better job to do." I glanced around before gesturing to the women to come over so that I could lean in and whisper instructions. "See that pendant around her neck? I'm gonna distract her and then make an opening, when I do that I need you to steal it from her. Do not wear it."
"Just that? Alright then, that's more up my alley." She grinned before jumping away, doing a few aerial stunts before disappearing into the shadows.
Fricken phantom thief.
"Hey Joan!" I called out as my commanders began to do battle, "You wanna help?!"
There was a fax-like sound. "Uhm… I see, I see. I understand." She looked back at me. "God hath spoken! Joan of Arc shall help you!"
"You needed a god's help to figure that out?!" Himiko asked with an incredulous tone.
"Whatever don't question it!" I shouted, pointing my sword at the vampire. "VLAD!"
"There is nowhere to run." With one hand she ripped out one spike from the teddy bear, which lengthened to roughly one meter and half. "Learn the true meaning of fear… I will impale you and leave your corpse to rot!"
She exploded into bats, which fly screeching through the air and over the black knights, before reforming above me, spike poised to skewer me.
"WOAH SHIT!" I shouted as I threw my body away from where the spike was poised. There was a loud crash as she came crashing down into the floor.
She flipped into a standing position and stabbed at me again. That was when I noticed the tip of her spike was coated in a dripping red liquid.
"Is that blood or did you just dip that in tomato sauce." I yelped, twisting my body to avoid her thrusts.
"Wouldn't you like to know…?" She smirked before switching to sweeping motions.
"God! Watch over me!" Joan swung her cross, which Vlad parried while eyeing it with distaste. Then she yelped when the blonde sprayed her with water directly in the face.
"Abominable wench!" Vlad screeched before pushing Joan away with a kick.
I dashed in, Kusanagi lighting up on fire as I slashed at the white haired vampire. The red liquid surged around the spike, forming a barrier between the fire and Vlad. "Your spirit is strong." The vampire commented while the liquid barrier hissed and bubbled. "I'll make sure to drink every last drop of your blood before making you disappear!"
More spikes emerged from the bear, all aiming to stab me.
"Oh fuck me that's not fair." I quickly looked around before jumping into a roll and holding Joan up in front of me. "You have defensive measures right?!"
"God is my shield!" Another fax-like sound. "God hath spoken! Joan must say those exact words: 'Use my body as a shield, I can survive it'. Ah, such bliss!"
I blinked at the girl.
Okay I didn't know I was dealing with a masochist.
Anyways, I quickly pressed up as close to the girl before looking at Vlad, surrounded by walls of blood and spikes that began to press towards us.
This wasn't good. This was far from good. I won't be able to effectively use 'that' unless I weaken her a little but I can't even get a goddamn hit in!
Come on… Think… There's gotta be something… Garlic? No that'd distract her but it won't weaken her. I'd need something like…. like a seal! Who do I know who can do sealing?
That's right, Sei! She sealed away the golden fleece!
And she was currently… Engaging the black knights in the back. I couldn't even shout towards her, I could barely hear anything in that direction beyond the sound of explosion and mad laughter.
I quickly began waving like a madman while the spikes drew closer, hoping to get her attention.
"Now, disappear! EU SUNT DRACUL!" The tide of blood and spikes began to close around us.
AH! AH THIS IS BAD! THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD! IT SMELLS! THOSE SPIKES ARE SHARP! AH! AHHHHH!
"FLARE BLAST!"
And then a cannonball wreathed in flames soared above our heads and blew through the vampire's attack before engulfing the white-haired girl into an explosion.
"And it's! HOME! RUN!" I heard Mazero cheering.
"Oh my god Mazero I am so happy to see you right now you have no idea." I sighed in relief before looking back at Sei. "Alright let's try this to get her attention."
I held Kusanagi at the black knight she was fighting before pushing my Brave through. "KUSANAGI FIRE!"
The hot stream blasted through the stage as the foxy women swiftly moved out of the way. In a wave of heat the fire hit the knight, sending him toppling backwards.
"Sei!" I yelled as she looked my way. "I need a seal! Send a Shikigami!"
"A Seal? With so little preparations…" She fumbled with the Shikigami before sending one my way. "Hope this is enough!"
"Thanks!" I caught the paper servant before pulling out a tag. I winced as another explosion boomed from that direction. I don't even know if this will work but if it worked on the Greeks then it should work on some half-wit European from a no-name country!
"Who dared?" The vampire marched out of the explosion, sneering in fury as her body visibly healed under my eyes. "Who dared using a sneak attack on me, the great Impaler!?"
"We did! And we have no regrets!" I shouted, "Himiko! Unleash the Garlic!"
"Take this!" Himiko began to throw garlic at Vlad. "And this! And also this!"
"Ack! Blah! Blugh!" The vampire sputtered and gagged, stepping away in a hurry. "What ignominy is this?! Guh! Away! Away with you!"
Alright! Now all I need to do is apply the seal!
Shit, those spikes are probably automatic considering they still activated last time I tried to slash her so I can't just run in…
Idea.
"Hey, Mazero!" With a charge I sheath my sword and ran to the redhead before jumping towards her. "I need you to throw me above her!"
"I'll give you my best shot! Let's go, Francisco!" She caught me with one hand, spun around on the tip of one foot and then threw me back. Together as one we yelled before I went flying in the air. "FRIENDSHIP CANNON!!!"
"CHEE-HOO!" I shouted, spinning to face the white vampire before tossing the tag at her as fast as I could.
"What is the -Blah!- meaning of this?!" Vlad's eyes widened in confusion as it landed on her forehead. She kept gagging from the stench of garlic.
"Well you see!" My feet landed on the ground, "Okay haha! Nailed that landing! Anyways, this may be a bit cheap but we gotta work every advantage we can get! Speaking of!"
I circled in front of Vlad, "I've got one last trick up my sleeve! Hope you enjoy it!"
My heart raced as I grabbed the pouch on my waist, through it up in the air before catching it and dumping out the contents. Instantly, what sounded like rain pouring reached my ears as tens of metal balls spilled out onto the stage. They rolled and poured until the ground in front of us was filled with the spheres.
Vlad's eyes went even wider.
"You know truth be told I didn't check how many I put in the bag." I smirked, knowing full well what I was doing. "You mind counting them for me?"
"Wha-What? Why should I, a proud denizen of the twilight-" She went to her knees and began picking up sphere. "One, two, three- Wait, that's not the time for this! Four, five, six- but, but the disorder! By the darkness, this is unbearable! Seven, eight-"
"And~" I looked at the darkness before snapping my fingers. "Now!"
"Don't mind if I do~!" An hand emerged from the shadows - and snatched away Vlad's pendant.
"Wha…!" The vampire dropped both the spheres she picked up and the teddy bear. "Hnngh...!? Un, uhn, uwah… UWAHHHH!!!"
Waves of darkness spread out from her, dissipating into the air. "...Hngh, to think I'd allow such foolishness to take me over…" She panted, picking up her teddy bear and hugging it with both arms.
"Okay! Whatever you do do not look down!" I held my hands up before looking at Goemon, "Hey go check out the Rabbit over there to see if she has a pendant to steal as well."
"Kay~" She replied without even revealing herself.
"Alright~" I sighed in relief, the adrenaline slowly beginning to die down. "You're not going to fight us anymore are you?"
"I am the Impaler, Vlad Tepes… I am a denizen of the twilight… A proud vampire... And in the end, I have become just a puppet." She snorted in anger before suddenly standing up. "I will not disgrace myself further. Consider this your… recompense… for services rendered."
Ooooh fancy words.
Soon the explosions began to die down and the black knights all collapsed on the floor with a loud clang.
Huh, I guess Galileo was just Vlad mind controlled instead of Illuminati mind control.
...Mind Controller being controlled by a mind controller…
Heh.
"Hey guys!" I shouted at the rest of the commanders, "Pack it up! Fight's over!"
I felt a slap on my back. "Your piece of paper. Take it back."
My body jolted up before beginning to slow down.
Aw shit.
EmpirePlayer
Anyone need some chaos?
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2014
- Messages
- 1,209
So Chen, how did it feel to meet the littlest Impaler? Was it better or worse than what you expected?
EvaUnit01
Overexposure to reality leads to anti-life spiral!
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2013
- Messages
- 2,936
That would be the Sydney Opera House.
Frankfawn43
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2015
- Messages
- 455
Man I love this story. Vlad the loli vampire was surprisingly nice for how much I like other more serious Vlads.
Chapter 45: Sweet Summer Days
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 12,415
Chapter 45: Sweet Summer Days
====
"You mind-controlled me!"
"And I was mind-controlled myself." The vampire replied coolly with just a hint of anger. "Therefore, I bear no responsibility for what happened."
Heh, bear.
"No? How about I bear my foot up your ass?" The blonde seethed. "Let's see how responsible you'll be after that!"
"I don't think that's how words work." I idly commented as I watched the two bicker in the meeting room we had set up for this interview.
"This is a pointless waste of valuable time. Mine own valuable time." Vlad turned to me and Yoshi. "I am in need of sustenance. Bring me a sinner."
"Eh, later. I just need you guys to answer a few questions first." My eyes glanced down at a clip board with two documents on it, "Right so… Please state your Name, Country of Origin, and the last thing you remember before being mind whammied."
"Hey! Don't ignore me!"
"Very well. I am the Impaler, Vlad Tepes." The vampire kept ignoring Galileo. "I am a denizen of the twilight, proud member of the vampire lineage. Mine existence began in Wallachia, the country of which I am the rightful ruler. I remember a merchant coming to this continent to offer his wares, of ordinary face but foul smell: when he offered me the pendant you freed me from I sensed the presence of suspicious magic on it and so tried to force the truth out of the mongrel, but then I was ambushed from behind. When I woke up again I was a puppet in mine own body…" She closed her eyes. "How disgraceful..."
"Served you right!" The blonde snorted. "Galileo Galilei. Italy. The last thing I remember is me shouting for someone to help me take off those chains. Then the midget here showed up, and everything after that is a black hole. Satisfied?"
"Mhm…" I scribbled some words down, "So just to confirm, neither of you had ever been to Australia before or know anything about it's history, correct?"
"Who do you take me for? I am a natural born ruler." Vlad replied. "I was exiled here, but as the only one fit to be king I took control of Australia. This is a barren but proud land, where only the strong survive. Why are you interested?"
"I'm trying to track down what exactly happened to the country." I replied, "There's a lot going on right now but long story short the ruins in the area suggest the country was the only one, from what I've seen of the world so far, to be at the tech level it should be timeline wise. The fact that the whole place is in ruins raises a lot of red flags, especially when there's an actual conspiracy around."
"You think there is something different about Australia?" Yoshi asked me.
"I know there's something different about it." A sigh escaped my lips, "I recognize what a city in 1935 is supposed to look like, especially if it's European. I don't know if the rest of Europe looks like right now but the fact that Australia is a bombed out factory city from that time period while England came here with a group of knights and a ship that looks like it was built in the 1600s makes me wonder if something happened."
"Something different, or something lacking?" Galileo suddenly spoke, arms crossed and face frowning in concentration. "Admittedly I didn't have the time to see much of it before they chained me inside a hole in the ground, but I saw how the natives live in small villages while those that were exiled here live only in the cities. So who built those cities, and who destroyed them before the EU found Australia and started using it as a penal colony?"
"Thank you for that~" My hand scribbled that down as fast as I could, "Honestly I have no idea what the hell is going on but… History might be repeating itself? It's, look trying to uncover a global conspiracy and what they've done is hard. I had an idea, and then Joan showed up and threw that theory out the window."
"Why?"
I slammed the clipboard into the table and threw my hands up into the air, "Because she fucking remembers Satan when they guy hasn't left Hawaii since something happened that threw the world out of whack! Which was centuries ago! Why?! How?! I don't know!!"
"Uhm…" The blonde scratched her chin. "I have a theory: if we assume history is indeed repeating itself, then the events people remember of their past may not mean much. If Joan remembers this Satan guy, maybe it's because he has played such an important role in her life that the memory etched itself deeply into her. Enough to endure time being reset?"
"If I'm being quite honest, Joan is one of the people least changed by time shenanigans so much so that her outer appearance seemed to have remained untouched." I glanced at Yoshi, "Probably because the original Joan was already a women."
Hey, don't glare at me like that-
Wait.
Wait a minute.
"Hold on, back up a second." I held up a hand, "Galileo you're from Italy right? And have you read the bible?"
"Uh?" She tilted her head. "Yeah to both?"
"Then how do you not know who Satan is?" I stared at her in the eyes, "You just said it yourself, 'This Satan guy'."
"Should I?" She scratched her head, looking honestly confused.
"Yes!" I shouted, "Satan! Lucifer! The devil himself! The one who tricked Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of knowledge and be kicked out of Eden! The prideful angel who was exiled to hell! He's in the book of fucking Genesis! He's a constant presence throughout the entire thing! Did history retcon him out of the bible?!"
"Alright hold on brat, hold on!" Galileo raised a hand. "I admit I'm not the most knowledgeable about the bible, but something I know. In the Genesis the snake that tricked Adam and Eve is left unnamed and Lucifer, 'Light-Bringer', is how the prophet Isaiah call the King of Babylon. The motif of a heavenly being striving for the highest seat of heaven only to be cast down to the underworld is older than Christianity and has its origins in the motions of the planet Venus, which is also known as the 'morning star'. That's why the Devil is also called Lucifer, since he also fits the motif of the Fallen Angel."
...Okay now that's making me question years of my life.
With a deep breath I held a hand up before clapping them. "Oi, Petit Rouge, I know you're listening. Clear this up for me please."
"Discussing dogma? That's what I do best!" With a shit-eating grin the red snake slithered out from behind the table and coiled atop it.
Galileo blinked. "A talking snake?"
"How curious. This creatures stinks of sins, but not its own." Vlad peered closer.
"I'm very handsome, I know." The shit-eating grin widened. "Alright ladies and gentlemen, let me educate you all. I am the Ha-Satan, the Heavenly Accuser: I was created to judge sins and, in the Old Man's words, 'provided an always-needed second point of view'. At my core I am one who judges, though most of the time I was content to let the Old Man handle the punishment. The association between Satan, Lucifer and the Devil is the result of Zoroastrian influence, bad translations and natural syncretism."
I gestured to the snake, "Well you heard it from the guy himself."
"Muahahaha! Good to know!" Galileo laughed. "I'll be sure to tell this to that bastard priest before blowing him up!"
====
"Order! Order!" Himiko banged a stick with a wooden sphere on top on the table. It took a few minutes, but finally everyone calmed down and silence reigned again.
Apart from the sound of Lancelot chewing of course, but we've learned to tune it out.
"Good." Himiko put away the stick and crossed her arms, nodding and humming in approval. "To the old members, welcome back! To the prospective new members, I bid you welcome to the secret, incredibly exclusive club where the most important decisions of Zipang Soon-To-Be-Worldwide Empire are taken! The-"
"Hi, yes, uh question?" I raised my hand, "Since when were you in charge?"
"Since everything you decide to do is either play or eat!" She pointed a finger at me. "Onii-san, there is a limit to how much carefree one can be! You have all those important heroes gathered here, yet you don't anything to expand your influence? Unforgivable!"
"Hey I do more then just fool around!" I pointed at a board in the back corner, "Just look at the conspiracy-"
I glanced at my used-to-be semi-neat board that was now utterly trashed with a drawing of Joan in the center and a big red marker with the word "HOW" written angrily on it.
Silently I turned back to Himiko, "...We also read books in here."
"Can I go then?" Cook raised a hand, a pleading expression on her face. "I don't even want to be there!"
"What are you saying, Cook!" Mazero scolded her. "We are all bound by the tight grasp of FRIENDSHIP!" Flames light up in her eyes. "Can't you feel the fire of our bonds warm your chest?"
"The only tight grasp I feel is the one your hand has around my arm!" Cook pointed at said arm with her free hand, tears in her eyes.
"Okay so ignoring Cook's suffering-"
"Hey!"
"I suddenly find myself morbidly curious." I held a hand to my chin while looking at Himiko, "Please, tell me your plan. Go on."
"It is very simple, yet also utterly foolproof!" She quickly nodded, still wearing a smug expression. "We are the youngest heroes. Therefore, when it comes the time for the older heroes to retire, all power will fall into our hands! No one can stop time, so no one can stop us! Ah ah ah ah!!"
"Ah yes," I nodded, "The only flaw there is that nobody is willing to put you in charge."
With a sigh I got out of the chair and walked behind an outraged Himiko. "Alright I shall be taking control of the meeting henceforth! So give it up to our new members Mazero, Kamehameha, Joan, and… Maybe Cook. Say hi you guys."
"FULL THROTTLE!" Mazero enthusiastically spun her arm above her head. Incidentally, it was the same arm holding on Cook.
"AAAAAHHH!!" Cook screamed.
"Hau'oli!" Kame smiled.
"It is my duty to stand by my King's side. Wherever he goes, I shall also follow." Joan declared.
Everyone else just said "Hi!".
"Ahem," I pulled out a whiteboard, "SO! Since Himiko wants us to do something… I dunno what we should do! Usually we just hang out here but there are all kinds of things we could do. Like, say, scamming the other Heroes out of their money. Or maybe the "ULTIMATE HERO CREATION PROGRAM" but only Benkei and I like that kind of manga so… Oh right! I guess there's just chatting about what you've been up to! For example!"
I reached down over to a drawer before pulling out a certain hat I acquired recently. "This is one of Sun's hats! It's very comfy."
I placed it on my head.
"Oh. How did you, uh, get it?" Shi tilted her head cutely. "Usually Sun is very jealous of her hats. She even personally clean them."
"Snatched it from her while she wasn't looking." I adjusted it, "Duh."
The room went silent. Hesitantly I looked around.
Geh, the tension was killing me.
Yoshi shook her head. "You reap what you sow."
"Where is food and drinks?" Kame innocently asked.
"What she said: I'm starving…" A predatory look was starting to manifest on Lancelot's face.
"Hm…" I glanced back down into the drawer.
Let's see. One of Himiko's Magatama, Yoshi's pen… Ah, here we go.
"Catch." I exclaimed as I tossed a potato at the hungry-hungry knight.
She caught it with her teeth, biting it in half. The surviving piece fell into her hands while she chewed the one in her mouth. "Thanks for the food~"
Kame, evidently mistaking it for a game, was also pointing her open mouth in my direction. The others watched with some sort of sick fascination.
I looked at the drawer, back to her, and then at the drawer.
"...I'm out of potatoes." I whispered in horror.
A fax-like sound was heard. "Uhmm… I see, I see. I understand." Joan nodded. "God has decreed! Listen to the Holy Verb!" She cleared her throat before starting to speak in a monotone. "Leave the room, turn around to the left two times and you will meet a servant carrying a tray full of food. You owe me one."
I bolted out of the meeting room immediately. My feet clacking on the wooden floors as I sprinted down the hallways as fast as I could.
Oh god oh god oh god-
"You!" I yelled as I saw the poor servant dressed in a blue kimono. "Hand me the food! Now!"
"M-Miyafuji-dono?!" He stuttered out jumping in frigh-
"DON'T DROP THE FOOD!!!" I dashed towards the tray and caught it as it began to fall out of his hands. Let's see… Some rice, some other things I don't recognize and- Woah is that Taikan? "Hey hey hey! Are you delivering this to someone?!"
"T-To the guards standing by the main gates, my lord." He hesitantly replied.
"Go grab another tray from the cooks. Uh…" Do I still have it on me- Yes Yoshi's pen! I quickly scribbled a signature onto a napkin and gave it to him. "Use this if they ask any questions! Lancelot and Kamehameha are hungry!"
And as his face paled I ran back to the meeting room with the tray in my hand. My heart pounding, I grabbed open the door and slammed the food onto the table. "LUNCH TIME!"
Lancelot and Kame descended upon it like a pack of hungry wolves, the others wisely backing away.
Aside from BenBen and Mazero, who joined the melee shortly thereafter.
Cook grabbed the chance and bolted out of the room.
With a stumble to my steps I exhaustively stepped back towards the door and closed it before sitting down on the ground. I looked at Yoshi before forcing words to come out through my pants. "How about… We… Don't do anything…"
"How about we just exchange stories and chat away the time." She replied with a saintly smile. "It'll be good to let some time pass before resuming our World Conquest."
"Sounds like a plan."
Ahhhhhhh. Reminds me never to let those two get hungry again.
====
After the fiasco earlier today I just kinda wanted to take a nap. Normally I'd go to Sei's place to do this but she was out on some business or what not, probably just drinking alcohol, so I had to deal with sleeping in my room.
Which is needlessly extravagant because Himiko veto'd my orders to make it homely and the construction guys were like "Yeah sounds legit".
I mean I can't blame them but come on. At least I managed to create a pathway that didn't require me to go through hordes of servants.
Just silently got to go in and take an afternoon na-
I opened the door. My eyes taking in the horrifying sight before me.
"Welcome back Sir Miyafuji~" Arthur's voice was so sweet it was possible to get diabetes just by listening to it. What's worse, she was sitting seiza right in front of my bed. "I was told this is your room, it is very nice."
...I closed the door.
"Sir Miyafuji?"
"How did you get here?" I replied, holding the door closed.
"By sea." She replied, confused. "Why are you keeping the door closed? Oh, I'm sorry, you probably want to change into something more comfortable before meeting with me, right? While I don't mind Sir Miyafuji's current attire I'll be more than happy to wait for you to change. Just tell me which clothes you want: while waiting I took the liberty of memorizing all of your possessions and their placements."
My eyes widened. Holy…
"Please forget that." I squeaked out, "It's creepy. Also they'll be in a different placement by next week I guarantee-"
Wait. Wait wait wait.
All of my possessions?
Oh nononono..
I quickly slammed the door open and rushed into my room before opening a drawer and pulling out a piece of parchment.
Ah, ahahahaha….
"Did you read it?" I stared at the queen of Britannia.
"Why, of course not! That would have been improper." She clapped her hands together and rested one cheek on their side. "But I counted the papers, to make sure none of them would be accidentally lost." She smiled again. "But I do confess I am curious: would you read it to me during my stay here in Zipang?"
"Wa- No! No no no!" I hastily held it back, "It's terrible, first draft, half finished. That sorta thing. I could tell you about it but… That's kinda…"
"Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure that anything written by you is a lovely read." She folded her fingers together and put them under her chin, looking as if she was praying. "If you so desire, I'll be more than happy to help you finish it. After all, we have a whole month to spend together~"
"We have a- what?" I sighed before holding the parchment to my forehead and flopping down onto my bed. "Okay forget that, whatever. I can give you a summary of the idea but you might find it a bit… embarrassing."
She nodded, smile wide and eyes sparkling. Literally sparkling.
Ah, since the secret's out anyways…
"Mmh, I guess the first thing you need to know was that this was the result of a… challenge?" I flipped through the parchment as memories came back, "I'm a writer, by hobby you see. Honestly I'd much rather be writing and creating than ruling or conquesting but you know how it is. So one day I got challenged to create one of the most absurd stories ever."
I bopped the blonde girl on the head with the papers and smirked, "A love story between you and Lancelot."
====
Alright how do I explain this without sounding like a lunatic? Mmm, I guess it's better to just say this is based on the most cliche plot thread that exists in my time. Er have I explained that I'm from another timeline? Okay look that's a completely different topic but- Ack I'm rambling sorry. You know how it is…
Should I have bothered to explain what's an otome game? Er, Otome plot I guess. I'm not sure, since those are primarily marketed to a female audience and- Geh, there I go again.
You know what I'm just going to start explaining this.
I guess it's easier to say that this story takes place in Britannia. Though, it's a little different from the one you and I know.
This Britannia is the only land that it's inhabitants have ever known. If you were to take a boat and sail on the ocean, you'd end up just sailing back to the island. For thousands of years, the island has been unchanging.
Nobles live and die as Nobles, and most Peasants will die as Peasants.
Ah, notice that I said most there. Don't worry, that'll make sense in a bit.
As you've probably guessed, this story features a version of our beloved Lancelot. Just your ordinary commoner with an overly large appetite for food. Unfortunately, only the nobles have access to the tastiest of foods. For most of her life she's been stuck eating potatoes and other quite bland foods.
The poor girl hasn't even once eaten a meal by a chef. Quite sad don't you think?
But there is a ray of hope for her. You see, when they come of age, all members of nobility must go to a certain Royal Academy. In fact, it's not a stretch to say that you aren't a member of the aristocracy if you don't graduate from this school.
Yes, all members who graduate are nobles.
That's the trick you see? For anyone can become a knight and attend this school, even a simple girl from the countryside like Lancelot.
So she works until she manages to gain enough skill with a sword and recognition to become a peasant knight. And off she goes to the Academy in hopes of good food.
Unfortunately nobles are still nobles no matter where you go. Except maybe Rome but that's not the point.
With poor ignorant Lancelot thrust into the world of high class society all of a sudden, she has no clue what to do and ends up making an enemy out of a certain powerful noble.
It all started on the lass's first day of school where in she predictably stacked her plate with as much food as possible. Unfortunately, some of it manages to spill off and ruin one of her classmates dresses, a girl from one of the most prominent families, Guinevere.
Guinevere, more than a little bit upset with this, begins to throw a temper tantrum in front of everyone. It only grows worse when Lancelot casually mentions she's a peasant knight and proceeds to ignore her to just eat food.
Right as Guinevere is about to go mad with rage who's to save her but… Well, I guess to say, you?
Arthur, the royal prince..ess… of Britannia, also a new student to the school. With a speech about her how we should love all people, including peasants, she manages to calm down the raging Guinevere. I suppose this is what you might call a fated encounter?
...Ah, that's so embarrassing to say out loud. Forget you heard that.
A-Anyway, before Arthur leaves, she gives Lancelot a treat that she says is from her private stash. Of course, our favorite Hungry-Hungry Knight decides right then and there that she's going to get a bit more of that stash because it's really good.
Eh? How?
Well, you see, among the Nobility there's a certain popular pastime. Dueling. In the Royal Academy students can create "Orders" of duelists in order to compete in the sport. And wouldn't you happen to know it but Arthur's personal Order, the Knights of the Round Table, just so happened to start looking for new members.
There's a bit of a problem though. Lancelot's rusty iron sword just won't do the job against the Legendary Swords, Weapons of amazing abilities, that the other knights use. However this is a problem easily fixed when she helps out two of her upper classmates, a mysterious girl in black and a young boy in red who call themselves Morgana and Mordred.
With their help Lancelot manages to get into the vault of Legendary Swords and meets her new partner.
You already know it's name don't you? Arondight. A purple blade that allows her to hide her presence from enemies.
With this new blade she manages to be the only student to pass the membership exam into the Knights of the Round Table and thus, a story of romance between her and Arthur begin.
Though you might have a few questions. Who are Morganna and Mordred? What are the Legendary Weapons? Why is Britannia the only land in the world?
Well that's…
====
I poked the blonde girl in the forehead, causing her to blink. "A spoiler."
"Ah! Please forgive me, I was lost in thought." She released a dreamy sigh. "What a wonderful thing: a group of noble, kind-hearted brought together by love and fate, fighting to spread love and justice and food equality… so lovely~"
I snickered. "F-Food equality. Ahaha.."*
"Why only Nobles should be blessed with good food? Why being a Peasant should exclude one person from enjoying culinary deliciousnesses?" Her tone grew hot and passionate. "I see how it is, Sir Miyafuji! This character that you created, which shares the same name as my dear Lancelot, is without a doubt a savior chosen to put an end to a frightening social injustice through the power of love!"
"Mmm… Okay." Wow she sounds like an English Major, "Anyways speaking of Lancelot, why don't you go say hi now that you're here?"*
"I greeted her when I arrived. I even gave her a bag full of sweets Kay cooked specifically for her: Lancelot was so happy about it, she started to cry!" She smiled. "Today I'll fully dedicate myself to you, Sir Miyafuji."
"Ah, right." I rolled over onto my bed. "Well I'm gonna take a nap so… tell me if there's something you want to do."
"T-Then… will you grant a selfish wish of mine?" She started to fidget, blushing slightly.
Oh god here we go…
"If it's kissing you the answer is no." I declared just for the record, "But I'll hear you out first."*
"K-Kissing?! Ah, what a wonderful image…" She palmed her cheeks, blushing even brighter as she smiled. "But no, that's not what I wanted to ask. Sir Miyafuji."
She spread her arms.
"Can I be your bedsheet?"
Eh?
EHHHHHHHHHHH!?
My body froze I quickly turned my head away. "I- Uh- Wha-Wha?!"
"If you want to sleep, then we can't let you get cold, right? Please use my body to warm yourself."
...Ah…
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT DO I DO AHHHHHHHH!!!
N-No wait! I have something for this!
SAVE ME SEIREAMON!
"T-The drawer. The third one. Grab the tag please."
"Certainly." Elegantly standing up she went to the drawer and bent down, showing up just a hint of zettai ryouik- AH DON'T LOOK!. She straightened up and turned, the tag in her hands. "This one?"
"Y-Yeah." I grabbed the tag and placed it on my body. Instantly the slightly chilly temperature became a comfortable heat like a fluffy marshmallow… Made of fire I guess. "Nyakui Invention number 7, the Warm-Warm Nap Charm. Whenever it's placed on a person, the charm adjusts the temperature around them until it's the perfect temperature to take a nap in. Though it's hard to get out of bed once you use it."
I looked up from the bed and winked at her. "Now that that's settled…"
"It's true." Arthur laid next to me on the bed, fingers folded atop her chest and eyes closed. "What a wonderful invention."
...Eh… I already slept with Himiko…
I'll just throw the embarrassment for future me to deal with.*
====
Notes:
Alex: Already sleeping with multiple girls? They grow up so quickly those days…
Chen: I'm so sorry for your regularly scheduled fanfic being interrupted by another fanfic. For those of you who skipped it, I completely understand.
Alex: If it helps, I like it. Sounds very zazzy.
Chen: I think you mean Jazzy.
Alex: No.
====
"You mind-controlled me!"
"And I was mind-controlled myself." The vampire replied coolly with just a hint of anger. "Therefore, I bear no responsibility for what happened."
Heh, bear.
"No? How about I bear my foot up your ass?" The blonde seethed. "Let's see how responsible you'll be after that!"
"I don't think that's how words work." I idly commented as I watched the two bicker in the meeting room we had set up for this interview.
"This is a pointless waste of valuable time. Mine own valuable time." Vlad turned to me and Yoshi. "I am in need of sustenance. Bring me a sinner."
"Eh, later. I just need you guys to answer a few questions first." My eyes glanced down at a clip board with two documents on it, "Right so… Please state your Name, Country of Origin, and the last thing you remember before being mind whammied."
"Hey! Don't ignore me!"
"Very well. I am the Impaler, Vlad Tepes." The vampire kept ignoring Galileo. "I am a denizen of the twilight, proud member of the vampire lineage. Mine existence began in Wallachia, the country of which I am the rightful ruler. I remember a merchant coming to this continent to offer his wares, of ordinary face but foul smell: when he offered me the pendant you freed me from I sensed the presence of suspicious magic on it and so tried to force the truth out of the mongrel, but then I was ambushed from behind. When I woke up again I was a puppet in mine own body…" She closed her eyes. "How disgraceful..."
"Served you right!" The blonde snorted. "Galileo Galilei. Italy. The last thing I remember is me shouting for someone to help me take off those chains. Then the midget here showed up, and everything after that is a black hole. Satisfied?"
"Mhm…" I scribbled some words down, "So just to confirm, neither of you had ever been to Australia before or know anything about it's history, correct?"
"Who do you take me for? I am a natural born ruler." Vlad replied. "I was exiled here, but as the only one fit to be king I took control of Australia. This is a barren but proud land, where only the strong survive. Why are you interested?"
"I'm trying to track down what exactly happened to the country." I replied, "There's a lot going on right now but long story short the ruins in the area suggest the country was the only one, from what I've seen of the world so far, to be at the tech level it should be timeline wise. The fact that the whole place is in ruins raises a lot of red flags, especially when there's an actual conspiracy around."
"You think there is something different about Australia?" Yoshi asked me.
"I know there's something different about it." A sigh escaped my lips, "I recognize what a city in 1935 is supposed to look like, especially if it's European. I don't know if the rest of Europe looks like right now but the fact that Australia is a bombed out factory city from that time period while England came here with a group of knights and a ship that looks like it was built in the 1600s makes me wonder if something happened."
"Something different, or something lacking?" Galileo suddenly spoke, arms crossed and face frowning in concentration. "Admittedly I didn't have the time to see much of it before they chained me inside a hole in the ground, but I saw how the natives live in small villages while those that were exiled here live only in the cities. So who built those cities, and who destroyed them before the EU found Australia and started using it as a penal colony?"
"Thank you for that~" My hand scribbled that down as fast as I could, "Honestly I have no idea what the hell is going on but… History might be repeating itself? It's, look trying to uncover a global conspiracy and what they've done is hard. I had an idea, and then Joan showed up and threw that theory out the window."
"Why?"
I slammed the clipboard into the table and threw my hands up into the air, "Because she fucking remembers Satan when they guy hasn't left Hawaii since something happened that threw the world out of whack! Which was centuries ago! Why?! How?! I don't know!!"
"Uhm…" The blonde scratched her chin. "I have a theory: if we assume history is indeed repeating itself, then the events people remember of their past may not mean much. If Joan remembers this Satan guy, maybe it's because he has played such an important role in her life that the memory etched itself deeply into her. Enough to endure time being reset?"
"If I'm being quite honest, Joan is one of the people least changed by time shenanigans so much so that her outer appearance seemed to have remained untouched." I glanced at Yoshi, "Probably because the original Joan was already a women."
Hey, don't glare at me like that-
Wait.
Wait a minute.
"Hold on, back up a second." I held up a hand, "Galileo you're from Italy right? And have you read the bible?"
"Uh?" She tilted her head. "Yeah to both?"
"Then how do you not know who Satan is?" I stared at her in the eyes, "You just said it yourself, 'This Satan guy'."
"Should I?" She scratched her head, looking honestly confused.
"Yes!" I shouted, "Satan! Lucifer! The devil himself! The one who tricked Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of knowledge and be kicked out of Eden! The prideful angel who was exiled to hell! He's in the book of fucking Genesis! He's a constant presence throughout the entire thing! Did history retcon him out of the bible?!"
"Alright hold on brat, hold on!" Galileo raised a hand. "I admit I'm not the most knowledgeable about the bible, but something I know. In the Genesis the snake that tricked Adam and Eve is left unnamed and Lucifer, 'Light-Bringer', is how the prophet Isaiah call the King of Babylon. The motif of a heavenly being striving for the highest seat of heaven only to be cast down to the underworld is older than Christianity and has its origins in the motions of the planet Venus, which is also known as the 'morning star'. That's why the Devil is also called Lucifer, since he also fits the motif of the Fallen Angel."
...Okay now that's making me question years of my life.
With a deep breath I held a hand up before clapping them. "Oi, Petit Rouge, I know you're listening. Clear this up for me please."
"Discussing dogma? That's what I do best!" With a shit-eating grin the red snake slithered out from behind the table and coiled atop it.
Galileo blinked. "A talking snake?"
"How curious. This creatures stinks of sins, but not its own." Vlad peered closer.
"I'm very handsome, I know." The shit-eating grin widened. "Alright ladies and gentlemen, let me educate you all. I am the Ha-Satan, the Heavenly Accuser: I was created to judge sins and, in the Old Man's words, 'provided an always-needed second point of view'. At my core I am one who judges, though most of the time I was content to let the Old Man handle the punishment. The association between Satan, Lucifer and the Devil is the result of Zoroastrian influence, bad translations and natural syncretism."
I gestured to the snake, "Well you heard it from the guy himself."
"Muahahaha! Good to know!" Galileo laughed. "I'll be sure to tell this to that bastard priest before blowing him up!"
====
"Order! Order!" Himiko banged a stick with a wooden sphere on top on the table. It took a few minutes, but finally everyone calmed down and silence reigned again.
Apart from the sound of Lancelot chewing of course, but we've learned to tune it out.
"Good." Himiko put away the stick and crossed her arms, nodding and humming in approval. "To the old members, welcome back! To the prospective new members, I bid you welcome to the secret, incredibly exclusive club where the most important decisions of Zipang Soon-To-Be-Worldwide Empire are taken! The-"
"Hi, yes, uh question?" I raised my hand, "Since when were you in charge?"
"Since everything you decide to do is either play or eat!" She pointed a finger at me. "Onii-san, there is a limit to how much carefree one can be! You have all those important heroes gathered here, yet you don't anything to expand your influence? Unforgivable!"
"Hey I do more then just fool around!" I pointed at a board in the back corner, "Just look at the conspiracy-"
I glanced at my used-to-be semi-neat board that was now utterly trashed with a drawing of Joan in the center and a big red marker with the word "HOW" written angrily on it.
Silently I turned back to Himiko, "...We also read books in here."
"Can I go then?" Cook raised a hand, a pleading expression on her face. "I don't even want to be there!"
"What are you saying, Cook!" Mazero scolded her. "We are all bound by the tight grasp of FRIENDSHIP!" Flames light up in her eyes. "Can't you feel the fire of our bonds warm your chest?"
"The only tight grasp I feel is the one your hand has around my arm!" Cook pointed at said arm with her free hand, tears in her eyes.
"Okay so ignoring Cook's suffering-"
"Hey!"
"I suddenly find myself morbidly curious." I held a hand to my chin while looking at Himiko, "Please, tell me your plan. Go on."
"It is very simple, yet also utterly foolproof!" She quickly nodded, still wearing a smug expression. "We are the youngest heroes. Therefore, when it comes the time for the older heroes to retire, all power will fall into our hands! No one can stop time, so no one can stop us! Ah ah ah ah!!"
"Ah yes," I nodded, "The only flaw there is that nobody is willing to put you in charge."
With a sigh I got out of the chair and walked behind an outraged Himiko. "Alright I shall be taking control of the meeting henceforth! So give it up to our new members Mazero, Kamehameha, Joan, and… Maybe Cook. Say hi you guys."
"FULL THROTTLE!" Mazero enthusiastically spun her arm above her head. Incidentally, it was the same arm holding on Cook.
"AAAAAHHH!!" Cook screamed.
"Hau'oli!" Kame smiled.
"It is my duty to stand by my King's side. Wherever he goes, I shall also follow." Joan declared.
Everyone else just said "Hi!".
"Ahem," I pulled out a whiteboard, "SO! Since Himiko wants us to do something… I dunno what we should do! Usually we just hang out here but there are all kinds of things we could do. Like, say, scamming the other Heroes out of their money. Or maybe the "ULTIMATE HERO CREATION PROGRAM" but only Benkei and I like that kind of manga so… Oh right! I guess there's just chatting about what you've been up to! For example!"
I reached down over to a drawer before pulling out a certain hat I acquired recently. "This is one of Sun's hats! It's very comfy."
I placed it on my head.
"Oh. How did you, uh, get it?" Shi tilted her head cutely. "Usually Sun is very jealous of her hats. She even personally clean them."
"Snatched it from her while she wasn't looking." I adjusted it, "Duh."
The room went silent. Hesitantly I looked around.
Geh, the tension was killing me.
Yoshi shook her head. "You reap what you sow."
"Where is food and drinks?" Kame innocently asked.
"What she said: I'm starving…" A predatory look was starting to manifest on Lancelot's face.
"Hm…" I glanced back down into the drawer.
Let's see. One of Himiko's Magatama, Yoshi's pen… Ah, here we go.
"Catch." I exclaimed as I tossed a potato at the hungry-hungry knight.
She caught it with her teeth, biting it in half. The surviving piece fell into her hands while she chewed the one in her mouth. "Thanks for the food~"
Kame, evidently mistaking it for a game, was also pointing her open mouth in my direction. The others watched with some sort of sick fascination.
I looked at the drawer, back to her, and then at the drawer.
"...I'm out of potatoes." I whispered in horror.
A fax-like sound was heard. "Uhmm… I see, I see. I understand." Joan nodded. "God has decreed! Listen to the Holy Verb!" She cleared her throat before starting to speak in a monotone. "Leave the room, turn around to the left two times and you will meet a servant carrying a tray full of food. You owe me one."
I bolted out of the meeting room immediately. My feet clacking on the wooden floors as I sprinted down the hallways as fast as I could.
Oh god oh god oh god-
"You!" I yelled as I saw the poor servant dressed in a blue kimono. "Hand me the food! Now!"
"M-Miyafuji-dono?!" He stuttered out jumping in frigh-
"DON'T DROP THE FOOD!!!" I dashed towards the tray and caught it as it began to fall out of his hands. Let's see… Some rice, some other things I don't recognize and- Woah is that Taikan? "Hey hey hey! Are you delivering this to someone?!"
"T-To the guards standing by the main gates, my lord." He hesitantly replied.
"Go grab another tray from the cooks. Uh…" Do I still have it on me- Yes Yoshi's pen! I quickly scribbled a signature onto a napkin and gave it to him. "Use this if they ask any questions! Lancelot and Kamehameha are hungry!"
And as his face paled I ran back to the meeting room with the tray in my hand. My heart pounding, I grabbed open the door and slammed the food onto the table. "LUNCH TIME!"
Lancelot and Kame descended upon it like a pack of hungry wolves, the others wisely backing away.
Aside from BenBen and Mazero, who joined the melee shortly thereafter.
Cook grabbed the chance and bolted out of the room.
With a stumble to my steps I exhaustively stepped back towards the door and closed it before sitting down on the ground. I looked at Yoshi before forcing words to come out through my pants. "How about… We… Don't do anything…"
"How about we just exchange stories and chat away the time." She replied with a saintly smile. "It'll be good to let some time pass before resuming our World Conquest."
"Sounds like a plan."
Ahhhhhhh. Reminds me never to let those two get hungry again.
====
After the fiasco earlier today I just kinda wanted to take a nap. Normally I'd go to Sei's place to do this but she was out on some business or what not, probably just drinking alcohol, so I had to deal with sleeping in my room.
Which is needlessly extravagant because Himiko veto'd my orders to make it homely and the construction guys were like "Yeah sounds legit".
I mean I can't blame them but come on. At least I managed to create a pathway that didn't require me to go through hordes of servants.
Just silently got to go in and take an afternoon na-
I opened the door. My eyes taking in the horrifying sight before me.
"Welcome back Sir Miyafuji~" Arthur's voice was so sweet it was possible to get diabetes just by listening to it. What's worse, she was sitting seiza right in front of my bed. "I was told this is your room, it is very nice."
...I closed the door.
"Sir Miyafuji?"
"How did you get here?" I replied, holding the door closed.
"By sea." She replied, confused. "Why are you keeping the door closed? Oh, I'm sorry, you probably want to change into something more comfortable before meeting with me, right? While I don't mind Sir Miyafuji's current attire I'll be more than happy to wait for you to change. Just tell me which clothes you want: while waiting I took the liberty of memorizing all of your possessions and their placements."
My eyes widened. Holy…
"Please forget that." I squeaked out, "It's creepy. Also they'll be in a different placement by next week I guarantee-"
Wait. Wait wait wait.
All of my possessions?
Oh nononono..
I quickly slammed the door open and rushed into my room before opening a drawer and pulling out a piece of parchment.
Ah, ahahahaha….
"Did you read it?" I stared at the queen of Britannia.
"Why, of course not! That would have been improper." She clapped her hands together and rested one cheek on their side. "But I counted the papers, to make sure none of them would be accidentally lost." She smiled again. "But I do confess I am curious: would you read it to me during my stay here in Zipang?"
"Wa- No! No no no!" I hastily held it back, "It's terrible, first draft, half finished. That sorta thing. I could tell you about it but… That's kinda…"
"Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure that anything written by you is a lovely read." She folded her fingers together and put them under her chin, looking as if she was praying. "If you so desire, I'll be more than happy to help you finish it. After all, we have a whole month to spend together~"
"We have a- what?" I sighed before holding the parchment to my forehead and flopping down onto my bed. "Okay forget that, whatever. I can give you a summary of the idea but you might find it a bit… embarrassing."
She nodded, smile wide and eyes sparkling. Literally sparkling.
Ah, since the secret's out anyways…
"Mmh, I guess the first thing you need to know was that this was the result of a… challenge?" I flipped through the parchment as memories came back, "I'm a writer, by hobby you see. Honestly I'd much rather be writing and creating than ruling or conquesting but you know how it is. So one day I got challenged to create one of the most absurd stories ever."
I bopped the blonde girl on the head with the papers and smirked, "A love story between you and Lancelot."
====
Alright how do I explain this without sounding like a lunatic? Mmm, I guess it's better to just say this is based on the most cliche plot thread that exists in my time. Er have I explained that I'm from another timeline? Okay look that's a completely different topic but- Ack I'm rambling sorry. You know how it is…
Should I have bothered to explain what's an otome game? Er, Otome plot I guess. I'm not sure, since those are primarily marketed to a female audience and- Geh, there I go again.
You know what I'm just going to start explaining this.
I guess it's easier to say that this story takes place in Britannia. Though, it's a little different from the one you and I know.
This Britannia is the only land that it's inhabitants have ever known. If you were to take a boat and sail on the ocean, you'd end up just sailing back to the island. For thousands of years, the island has been unchanging.
Nobles live and die as Nobles, and most Peasants will die as Peasants.
Ah, notice that I said most there. Don't worry, that'll make sense in a bit.
As you've probably guessed, this story features a version of our beloved Lancelot. Just your ordinary commoner with an overly large appetite for food. Unfortunately, only the nobles have access to the tastiest of foods. For most of her life she's been stuck eating potatoes and other quite bland foods.
The poor girl hasn't even once eaten a meal by a chef. Quite sad don't you think?
But there is a ray of hope for her. You see, when they come of age, all members of nobility must go to a certain Royal Academy. In fact, it's not a stretch to say that you aren't a member of the aristocracy if you don't graduate from this school.
Yes, all members who graduate are nobles.
That's the trick you see? For anyone can become a knight and attend this school, even a simple girl from the countryside like Lancelot.
So she works until she manages to gain enough skill with a sword and recognition to become a peasant knight. And off she goes to the Academy in hopes of good food.
Unfortunately nobles are still nobles no matter where you go. Except maybe Rome but that's not the point.
With poor ignorant Lancelot thrust into the world of high class society all of a sudden, she has no clue what to do and ends up making an enemy out of a certain powerful noble.
It all started on the lass's first day of school where in she predictably stacked her plate with as much food as possible. Unfortunately, some of it manages to spill off and ruin one of her classmates dresses, a girl from one of the most prominent families, Guinevere.
Guinevere, more than a little bit upset with this, begins to throw a temper tantrum in front of everyone. It only grows worse when Lancelot casually mentions she's a peasant knight and proceeds to ignore her to just eat food.
Right as Guinevere is about to go mad with rage who's to save her but… Well, I guess to say, you?
Arthur, the royal prince..ess… of Britannia, also a new student to the school. With a speech about her how we should love all people, including peasants, she manages to calm down the raging Guinevere. I suppose this is what you might call a fated encounter?
...Ah, that's so embarrassing to say out loud. Forget you heard that.
A-Anyway, before Arthur leaves, she gives Lancelot a treat that she says is from her private stash. Of course, our favorite Hungry-Hungry Knight decides right then and there that she's going to get a bit more of that stash because it's really good.
Eh? How?
Well, you see, among the Nobility there's a certain popular pastime. Dueling. In the Royal Academy students can create "Orders" of duelists in order to compete in the sport. And wouldn't you happen to know it but Arthur's personal Order, the Knights of the Round Table, just so happened to start looking for new members.
There's a bit of a problem though. Lancelot's rusty iron sword just won't do the job against the Legendary Swords, Weapons of amazing abilities, that the other knights use. However this is a problem easily fixed when she helps out two of her upper classmates, a mysterious girl in black and a young boy in red who call themselves Morgana and Mordred.
With their help Lancelot manages to get into the vault of Legendary Swords and meets her new partner.
You already know it's name don't you? Arondight. A purple blade that allows her to hide her presence from enemies.
With this new blade she manages to be the only student to pass the membership exam into the Knights of the Round Table and thus, a story of romance between her and Arthur begin.
Though you might have a few questions. Who are Morganna and Mordred? What are the Legendary Weapons? Why is Britannia the only land in the world?
Well that's…
====
I poked the blonde girl in the forehead, causing her to blink. "A spoiler."
"Ah! Please forgive me, I was lost in thought." She released a dreamy sigh. "What a wonderful thing: a group of noble, kind-hearted brought together by love and fate, fighting to spread love and justice and food equality… so lovely~"
I snickered. "F-Food equality. Ahaha.."*
"Why only Nobles should be blessed with good food? Why being a Peasant should exclude one person from enjoying culinary deliciousnesses?" Her tone grew hot and passionate. "I see how it is, Sir Miyafuji! This character that you created, which shares the same name as my dear Lancelot, is without a doubt a savior chosen to put an end to a frightening social injustice through the power of love!"
"Mmm… Okay." Wow she sounds like an English Major, "Anyways speaking of Lancelot, why don't you go say hi now that you're here?"*
"I greeted her when I arrived. I even gave her a bag full of sweets Kay cooked specifically for her: Lancelot was so happy about it, she started to cry!" She smiled. "Today I'll fully dedicate myself to you, Sir Miyafuji."
"Ah, right." I rolled over onto my bed. "Well I'm gonna take a nap so… tell me if there's something you want to do."
"T-Then… will you grant a selfish wish of mine?" She started to fidget, blushing slightly.
Oh god here we go…
"If it's kissing you the answer is no." I declared just for the record, "But I'll hear you out first."*
"K-Kissing?! Ah, what a wonderful image…" She palmed her cheeks, blushing even brighter as she smiled. "But no, that's not what I wanted to ask. Sir Miyafuji."
She spread her arms.
"Can I be your bedsheet?"
Eh?
EHHHHHHHHHHH!?
My body froze I quickly turned my head away. "I- Uh- Wha-Wha?!"
"If you want to sleep, then we can't let you get cold, right? Please use my body to warm yourself."
...Ah…
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT DO I DO AHHHHHHHH!!!
N-No wait! I have something for this!
SAVE ME SEIREAMON!
"T-The drawer. The third one. Grab the tag please."
"Certainly." Elegantly standing up she went to the drawer and bent down, showing up just a hint of zettai ryouik- AH DON'T LOOK!. She straightened up and turned, the tag in her hands. "This one?"
"Y-Yeah." I grabbed the tag and placed it on my body. Instantly the slightly chilly temperature became a comfortable heat like a fluffy marshmallow… Made of fire I guess. "Nyakui Invention number 7, the Warm-Warm Nap Charm. Whenever it's placed on a person, the charm adjusts the temperature around them until it's the perfect temperature to take a nap in. Though it's hard to get out of bed once you use it."
I looked up from the bed and winked at her. "Now that that's settled…"
"It's true." Arthur laid next to me on the bed, fingers folded atop her chest and eyes closed. "What a wonderful invention."
...Eh… I already slept with Himiko…
I'll just throw the embarrassment for future me to deal with.*
====
Notes:
Alex: Already sleeping with multiple girls? They grow up so quickly those days…
Chen: I'm so sorry for your regularly scheduled fanfic being interrupted by another fanfic. For those of you who skipped it, I completely understand.
Alex: If it helps, I like it. Sounds very zazzy.
Chen: I think you mean Jazzy.
Alex: No.
EvaUnit01
Overexposure to reality leads to anti-life spiral!
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2013
- Messages
- 2,936
Frankfawn43
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2015
- Messages
- 455
I love this story. This was a great early Christmas present.
Ashleythetiger
Lewds oh my... mostly a lurker...
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2016
- Messages
- 763
Currently reading chapter 14 an i saw this bit, have to comment, is this a case of misunderstanding? I can imagine her getting info from Europe an getting told Woman don't wear pants, the person stating pants=male underwear, an trousers=male legwear , neglecting to mention woman wear dresses an... was it still called knickers during that point in history?
NekoNekoBoy
Leader of the Idiot Brigade
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2015
- Messages
- 1,121
Yes- No- Maybe?
It's hard to tell to be honest. Charactwe outfits fluctiate from "Kay." To "How the hell do you go out in public."
Chapter 46: California Gold
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 12,415
Chapter 46: California Gold
====
The door to my room suddenly slammed open. Marco looked around the room until her gaze settled on me. "Trash. Come with me, or I'll stab you to death."
I paused, my eyes blinking. "Why?"
Her frown deepened. "Lady Kublai requested your presence."
"Don't know why you didn't just start with that…" I muttered under my breath as I got off from my desk and grabbed Kusanagi from off it's place between a bunch of pillows.
Trust me last time I left it on the floor and fell asleep the thing had nearly destroyed my room when I woke up.
"So, where is Kublai anyways?"
"She's waiting for us at Urgench. Now come, I've already had the horses ready." She made a 'follow me' gesture. "Don't lag behind. If you do, I'll toss you into boiling oil."
"I'll tell Kublai you're being mean to me again." I gave her a smirk that only annoying younger siblings could have.
Ah, though I may be an older brother I have lived with two sisters for years. I know the tactics!
She bristled, and if looks could kill I'd be dead one hundred times over. However, for the whole travel she toned down her insults.
====
"Thank you for coming." Kublai greeted both me and Marco with a radiant smile. "Now that our countries are part of the same empire travel has become much easier, don't you think so?"
"Well horses are kind of hard to get used to as a main form of transportation but it's not like I didn't know how to ride them before." I paused, "Wait that's not what you mean. Uh, yeah it's uh, easier."
"That's right! Horses are not easy to ride, that's how it should be: otherwise riding them could become boring, and that would be a great shame." Her smile widened. Er, I think that's just a you thing. My aunt taught me in like, a day. Though coming here helps as practice. "Ah, but I have not asked you to come here for this. I hope ours would be a private talk. To start with, before your conquest Mongolia had financial troubles."
"The annexation with Zipang brought the problems to light." Marco continued. "It provided a little of a relief, but some problems still remain."
"My grandmother's generation was not like this though." Kublai frowned. "It is all due to my inexperience. To make matters worse, even if I wanted to improve the situation we're shorts on funds."
Oh is that what this is about?
I thought she'd invite me to go adventuring or something but hey, business never ends.
"So you want me, to give you money, so that your part of our whole little shebang can make more money." I pointed at her and then back to me as if that made things clearer. "I mean, I can help speed things up but I'm not exactly the guy in-charge of all the money so Yoshi and I will have to do some stuff. Should probably be easier then getting money to India though."
I looked her over before pausing, "No, wait, I take that back. Probably going to have to wrestle a few nobles into submission. Again."
"There's no need. My request is different." From within her voluminous cape she took out a very old parchment roll and opened, revealing a map of Mongolia. "This, is a map of fortune handed down to me by my mother. My grandmother, Genghis Khan's inheritance sleeps somewhere even now. I was searching for the map that records its location, and I finally found it. This is it."
I blinked, "Oh! That's right! You mentioned this back at the party… Before we started the Thailand Conquest. Wow, how long have you been waiting to do this?"
"Indeed, the excitement made the wait seems oh so very long." She nodded, her smile not wavering. "But if we can find grandmother's inheritance it will be worth it. Moreover, while waiting I had time to decipher the map, and now I know where to go. My request, thus, is twofold: first, I would like to request ownership rights to the inheritance; second, I was wondering if you would like to join us in the search."
She clapped a hand on my shoulder and showed a handsome smile. "Yes. With you, I'll be able to cross the deepest valleys."
"I want Lady Kublai to touch me tooo…" Marco moaned in distress, eyes burning with jealousy.
"Er, sure thing." Marco you're really creeping me out here! "But I got make, uh, you know, preparations."
"Certainly. We can conduct our search for the inheritance on your schedule." Kublai nodded. "When you're ready, just tell me."
"Got it."
I guess we're looking for One Peace now!
...Okay Kublai was certainly dressed the part.
===
I wasn't joking when I said I had prep work to do you know?
Of course that included...
The clanging of a hammer on metal rang through the forge at a solid pace. I sat, watching idly from the corner as the red hot flames blazed on.
I'm glad I had these temperature changing charms because otherwise I would be hot.
There was a loud hissing sound as the hot block of metal was sunk into the water, steam escaping from the surface in large clouds. Once the steam became just a trickle Maragi pulled out the sword held in her giant pliers, observing in from various angles before nodding in satisfaction. "I thank you for waiting, Lord Miyafuji." The blacksmith put down the sword over a large piece of cloth. "I know it is disrespectful to make one's Lord waiting, but this is a delicate procedure that requires my full attention."
"It's fine." I wave, grabbing the sword. "Wow yeah, once again Kusanagi really likes your work. The sword is buzzing in my hands."
"It is a honor to be able to work on the legendary Kusanagi." She bowed. "That such a simple blacksmith as me is found adequate fills me with great joy. I can tell that you and it are growing up to be wonderful partners, even if at the moment your personalities clash more often than not. But that is considered acceptable, for you are a ruler before being a warrior."
"What? Who told you that?" I gave the short woman a look, "I'm more of a person before being a ruler. Honestly I'm pretty sure that the only way the sword won't kill you in your sleep is if you constantly stroke it's eg- ow!"
"As I was saying." Maragi nodded, her eyes closed. "The wills of a master swordsman and their sword are as one. When there are differences, it's a chance of growth for both as long as intentions are pure. So, if I may ask, is there anything else I may assist you with?"
"Oh yeah, so like I was wondering. Do you know anything about the Kusanagi? Something I wasn't told before." I held the blade up, "See I always thought the Kusanagi no Tsurugi was a sword that specialize in fire. Low and behold it suddenly has the ability to pull wind out. I'm… confused to say the least."
"I believe I can explain." Maragi nodded again. "To begin with we must go back to the times of the Kusanagi's creation, when the God Susanoo slew the monster Yamata no Orochi. The Orochi was an evil dragon that devoured seven daughters of Kunitsukami, Earthly Deities, and was about to eat the eight one. Now, this is merely a theory developed by past generations of scholars, but it is believed that the essence of the seven daughters, Kunitsukami themselves, was gathered and refined inside Orochi's body. By this theory, the Kusanagi took its form as a sword when Susanoo's own sword, the Worochi-no-Aramasa, broke upon striking it. In short, the Kusanagi is the final product of an fortuitous, natural occurring mystical forging process using the essence of Heaven and Earth. Are you following, my Lord?"
"Worochi no what?" I blinked, "I thought it was the Totsuka?"
"Totsuka means 'Length of Ten Fists', and Tsurugi is a type of sword." She explained. "Sadly not all names of legendary swords were passed down to future generations, so most historians use the term Totsuka-no-Tsurugi to speak of those swords, for a length of ten fists was considered proper at the time. The Worochi-no-Aramasa was also called Ame-no-Habakiri and Futsushimitama-no-Tsurugi."
Well uh, that's a stupid list of names.
"So uh, is now a good time to mention that I accidentally fused the two swords together?" I glanced at Kusanagi. "I mean, it kinda just happened and really Totsu- Worochi was a slab of rock so…"
The blade seemingly growled in my hand. "Oh come on you know it to be true!"
Maragi blinked, face unchanged. "If it pleases you, I would like to hear a more detailed explanation of what happened."
"Okay so like," I held a hand up. "I wasn't originally able to use the Kusanagi, you know, it wouldn't come out of its sheath and stuff. But when Takeru showed it to me it was… Damaged. Almost irreparably damaged. Cracks everywhere which probably explained why her usual technique wasn't the fucking army killer we know today come to think of it. So she hands the sword to me and… Give me a sec it's been a long while since this happened."
Right so if I recall correctly…
"Right well when I first touched the sword there was like, a jolt of electricity through my hands? I think it resonated with the Worochi or something. And then Takeru got Illuminati'd and tried to kill Himiko and I which ended up breaking the Tsu- Tch, Worochi. Then what happens is that the broken pieces of the blade fuse with the damaged sword in order to become what you see here now." Kusanagi vibrated, "Yes, you killed another sword for pow- Ow! Don't sting me that's exactly what happened!"
Maragi nodded while humming. "I see. The Worochi-no-Aramasa used by Sunanoo was broken, but since we don't know how it was created it is possible that a similar sword may exist… I see, I see." She cupped her chin, eyes narrowed in concentration. "I shudder to think what may have damaged the Kusanagi to such an extent as you described. But if it wasn't something that could be fixed with a forging process, then the likely explanation is that the concept itself of the Kusanagi's form as a sword was damaged. To fix it, the Kusanagi conquered the essence of the Worochi you possessed, replicating the process of its birth to acquire an intact sword-form-concept. Heaven and Earth joining into one. The pillar connecting both. Truly, it is most marvelous."
The Kusanagi vibrated, as if proud.
"Yeah okay I think I got what you just said but i'm going to ignore it." I nodded sagely as a low rumbled spread throughout the Kusanagi. "Oh come on did you actually get that or did you just nod along because it sounded cool?"
The blade was silent.
I consider this my victory.
"I will finish to answer your original question, my Lord." Maragi continued as if everything was normal. "Originally the God Susanoo named the sword he found within Orochi-"
I blinked as she told me the name.
That's uh… That's a mouthful.
"Instead of using it to replace the sword he lost,-" Maragi continued. "Susanoo offered the sword as a gift to his sister Goddess Amaterasu, as an apology for the time when he tossed a dead horse into her garden."
"Uh…" My mouth hung open, "You going to explain that or…"
What the fuck?
"Susanoo and Amaterasu had a long-standing rivalry, the former famous for his almost childish fits of rage." She explained calmly. "He also destroyed her rice fields and killed one of her attendants. In fury and grief Amaterasu hid inside a cave, plunging the world into darkness since she is the Goddess of the Sun. She only came out of it when the other Gods threw a large party outside the cave and the Goddess Ame-no-Uzume danced promiscuously. After that Sunanoo was banished from Heaven."
I paused, "Wait didn't that involve a mirror?"
"Indeed. The mirror Yata no Kagami, one of the Three Regalia of Zipang, was hung from a tree outside the cave together with the Yasakani no Magatama. It was part of the attempts to lure Amaterasu out."
"Uh, huh." Weird. "So uh, anything else?"
"After Susanoo and Amaterasu reconciled the Kusanagi, together with the mirror and the magatama, was entrusted to the Imperial family as a symbol of their legitimacy. The sword passed through multiple hands, until it was given to Yamato Takeru by her aunt Yamatohime-no-mikoto, the Shrine Maiden of the Ise Shrine, to protect her in times of peril. What happened next is a story told by Yamato Takeru herself: during a hunting expedition, Yamato was lured onto an open grassland by a treacherous warlord, who then ignited the grass to trap Takeru and burn her to death. Unfortunately, it turned out that being proficient in fire-based techniques does not mean one also has the ability to put it out."
"Yeah no shit." I muttered under my breath.
"So Yamato Takeru tried to use the sword given to her by her aunt to cut the grass and remove fuel from the fire: in doing so, she discovered that the sword enabled her to control the wind and cause it to move in the direction of her swing. So she combined it with her own fire techniques and sweep all the fire in the direction of the warlord and his men. In triumph, Yamato Takeru renamed the sword Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi, the 'Grass-cutter Sword'."
"And then… She just forgot that the Kusanagi had wind power?" My eyebrows furrowed, "Wait, that's right she got amnesia then mind wammied. But wouldn't someone else remember?"
"I am to believe Yamato Takeru really liked fire." Maragi diplomatically said. "I do not presume to know how the tale may have evolved since she first recounted it."
"Uh huh…" I stood up before stretching my arms, sheathing Kusanagi. "Well thanks for the info."
"It was my pleasure." She bowed. "Maybe it might interest you to know I have recovered another of the swords I was searching for, the Dōjigiri, when passing through Australia. If you hear of swordsmen interested in proving themselves, please send them to me."
When the hell did she do that?!
"...I think I know just the person."
====
You know what someone needs to get good?
Practice.
You know how to practice?
Training.
And do you know how to train?
By beating yourself into the ground and coming out stronger!
...Wait that's probably not right.
"Water." I paused, grabbing the flask from my waist and letting the cool liquid run down my throat. Ah yes, Sei was still the best…
"It is important for a swordsman to keep their body properly hydrated." Sasaki informed me, sword in a relaxed but ready position. "Do you eat enough vegetable? What about fruits?"
"Fruits yes vegetables nooooo." I drawled out before pausing, "Wait I think Tofu technically counts as a vegetable."
"Since it is made from soy milk, I suppose that can be considered true. Myself, I prefer miso."
"Cool." I nodded, "So about what I was saying on that sword…"
"If I am found worthy, it would be a honor to be entrusted with one of the Five Swords Under Heaven." She nodded, a small smile forming on her lips. "It is not the proper length for my Ganryuu Style, but the Dōjigiri… the 'Slayer of Shuten-Doji', considered by many to be the most powerful of the Five. Truly a marvelous sword."
"Shuten-Doji…" Hm, if I remember correctly, "Oh that guy? One of the three most evil youkai? Huh, didn't know that. Anyways yeah, Ganryuu Style, that's a name…"
"It means 'Large Rock style'. I came up with it when I finally completed my secret technique, Tsubame Gaeshi. Lacking suitable targets, I used a nearby boulder." One hand came up to massage her head, her smile widening. "Master was quite angry. He kept hitting my head with his fan, saying it was punishment for wasting a perfectly good sitting spot."
"Huh, the story I knew had Sasaki use birds to develop the Tsubame Gaeshi…" I nodded, "Then again, that's the story filtered through a bunch of other stories."
"That isn't exactly wrong, for I was trained by Tengu."
"Ah no, it was like-" I waved my hands, "So the story goes that, for convenience's sake just consider this a guy who is also known as Sasaki Koujiro. So like, he's sitting in his compound and then a bunch of birds start eating his rice every day. Which is bad enough but then they start exploding leaving you know, bird guts and stuff all over the place. Which he doesn't like. Then, in some tremendous leap of logic, he decides it's only proper to challenge the birds to a duel. But you know, fucking birds are fast. So the he makes the Tsubame Gaeshi, attacking in three directions at once, just to kill the birds. All because they decided to eat his fucking rice and then explode in his house."
"...That is quite the outrageous story." Sasaki raised an eyebrow. "It makes me wonder what kind of rice this guy was eating."
"I dunno I don't write this shit." I sighed, "Eventually legends and stories get mutated until they become completely outrageous. Especially if it's memetic mutation, that shit gets bizarre."
"Memetic mutation? What is that?"
"Now that is a long story that I don't want to get into but suffice to say information eventually gets uh, repeated so much that it becomes something new." How do I say this… "I guess in your case, and the rest of the heroes of the world as well, it happens when you become famous that eventually the idea of uh, 'Sakaki Koujiro' becomes bigger then the actual person, Sakaki Koujiro. And ideas are subjected to the human mind, not any basis in reality."
"In short, chalk it up to rumormongers and chatty housewifes having too much free time and even more fantasy." Satan commented with knowing tone as his head emerged from behind a nearby rock. "Also, hi."
"GYAAAAAH!" I exclaimed, jumping upwards. "Stop doing that!"
"After spending millennia practicing to perfect it? No chance in Hell." The snake snickered.
"Oh? You must be the rumored Talking Red Snake of Zipang." Sasaki blinked in slight surprise. "They say you always appear unexpectedly, and that your words contain a rare wisdom that is difficult to discern."
"That's one way to put it. The Old Man knows that when I try to say things directly nobody pay me attention."
"So like," I pinched my nose, "Why are you here?"
"I was bored." He shamelessly admitted.
"Of course you were." With a sigh I gulped down some more water before standing up, "Well I guess it's better that we get back to work. Ready?"
"Of course." Sasaki raised her sword, sheath still covering the blade, and brought it to her shoulders' level. "Here I come. Hiken."
The air stilled.
It wasn't that there was no air. It was still there, but it was like it turned solid and thick. It was hard to breath, my lungs burned, every second seemed to last for eternity as I longed for the air that had betrayed me-
"Tsubame Gaeshi!"
Three perfectly executed, simultaneous slashes converged upon me from three different directions. Desperately my Brave spread throughout my body to dampen the blow but that didn't stop the strikes from hitting me, sending my body flying backwards and crashing into the dirt.
I held a hand up as the air became normal again. Silently I grabbed my flask of water and chugged it down my throat.
"Wow, that was brutal." Satan commented. "Interesting technique you have there, girl. Two slashes are almost always already a killing blow, three are basically overkill. Did you plan to slay an Oni or what?"
"Nothing so fanciful. I merely wished to master the use of the sword and to leave behind an inheritance." Sasaki explained. "For life is fleeting, but a man can live forever through his deeds."
"Well, can't say I disagree. Being forgotten is a crappy destiny alright." The snake slithered next to me. His next words came as an amused whisper. "And, let me guess, this is not a softcore M-game?"
"Who do you think I am, Joan?" I shot back, "No this is uh, that training from hell thing."
"You assume people in hell have the need to come up with extraordinarily difficult training regiments. Yes 'need', not 'time'. He quiped. "Also, said blonde thickhead is spying you from behind a tree."
"I'm sorry- what?!" I shouted, grabbing a nearby rock before tossing it at the tree the snake was pointing at. There was no Brave in the throw but by god was there a lot of adrenaline.
A familiar arm came out from behind the tree and caught the rock before retreating. "If this is my king's will I, Joan of Arc, shall treasure this gift like a treasure!"
"Good luck boy." Satan said with a sympathetic tone.
I could only say one word, "Why."
====
It turned out the map lead to a cave within Mongolia's territories. Knowing that, we rode there on horse.
There was just one problem.
Said cave was on the top of one of the mountains of the Karakorum. Also known a giant fucking mountain range.
The thing crossed the border of India and Taika for fucks sake!
"Alright," I held a hand to my face as I looked at the map, "Do any of us have a plan?"
"Of course I do. I'm an explorer after all." Marco said smugly. "Lady Kublai: I deeply regret my next words, but we can't continue on horse from here on out."
"I see what you mean." Kublai looked up at the mountain range with a glint in her eyes, while her own horse was quickly shaking its head left and right. "It is quite different from Mongolian plains. Ufufufu, it makes me even more excited."
"That's why allow me, Marco Polo, to procure new mounts adequate for the task!" The green haired women vanished for a moment before coming back with travel… oxe? I guess that made sense since this a mountain and all but- Wait.
I blinked, "There's only two."
"You don't need one." She replied with a venomous voice, expression as cold as ice, before immediately switching to rainbows and confetti when turning to Kublai. "Lady Kublai! Those are yaks! I know they smell and are unworthy of carrying your magnificence, but I can assure you they are adequate for the task at hand!"
"Oooh?" The bluenette was hugging an yak around the neck. "What a long, warm fur."
Okay how do I get through this one?
Wait since there's two....
"Uh, Kublai?" I coughed, turning away to hide the look on my face as I sacrificed all my dignity. "Do you um, mind if I ride with you?"
CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK
The sound of knives being grinded against each other filled the air.
"Since there are only two and we're three, then I guess it's inevitable." Kublai nodded, completely ignoring Marco's behavior. "Or, what about riding with Marco? I noticed you two don't talk much with each other, so this is a good opportunity to deepen your bonds."
Ha.
Ahahahahaha.
I looked at Marco.
She was pouring a green, sticky liquid on her knives with an angelic expression.
…Eeep.
Oh god. Oh god she'll actually kill me oh god oh god- WAIT!
What if I suggest Kublai ride with Marco? No that won't do that woman's head was thicker than a brick. I'd have to somehow force… it…
In a panicked rush I snatched the map out of Kublai's hands and threw myself on top of the ox which understandably started to panic as well. "Hey uh- Race you guys to the next landmark Marco has probably memorized the map seeyouguystherebye!!!!"
RUN OX RUN MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
"Ooh! What a splendid idea: a race to reach Heaven's peak! Marvelous! Come Marco!"
"L-Lady Kublai?! OH MY GOD I'M HUGGING LADY KUBLAI KYAAAAAAHHH-!!!"
====
It took almost all day, but we finally arrived at the famous cave, a large opening in the mountain where darkness concealed everything after a few steps inside.
"Poof." I muttered, lighting a fire above my finger with the Brave I gained from the horrible trip here.
"There's no mistaking it. The treasure should sleeping within this cave." Marco panted heavily, face as red as a tomato.
"Our destination is further in. Let's hurry:" Kublai, instead, sounded very eager.
The cave's inside was cold and humid, with no signs of human presence. In fact, it looked like no living being went inside it for decades.
"...Here." Kublai suddenly said. "This boulder is acting as a camouflage. Hrngh… Alright."
She pushed and rolled the boulder to the side, revealing a small alcove carved into the wall with a chest inside.
"I've found it! My family crest is engraved on this chest. There's no mistaking it!" She said triumphantly.
"That's my Lady Kublai! Are your hands dirty? Ah, just some dust…" Marco began to wipe Kublai's hands with extreme gentleness and reverence.
This is creepy. This is so creepy. I wanna go home.
"Right so uh, treasure!" I shouted, walking up to the chest. "Any traps or…?"
"Indeed, that's a valid concern."
"This is where my job starts." Marco produced a lot of strange tools. "Lady Kublai, please watch. I'll open this lock for you."
She began to work on the chest, for once looking professional. "It is indeed booby trapped. Once I release the trap, I can unlock… There's it open! Lady Kublai, please have a look."
"Thank you Marco." Kublai approached and knelt before the chest. "Grandmother, I am still inexperienced as a ruler. Please forgive me for using your inheritance…"
She opened the chest. And inside…
Was just an old, rusted helmet.
"Sweet." I declared, walking towards the chest and holding up the helmet. "This works."
Instead of being disappointed Kublai laughed. "Hehehe. It's disappointing, but I guess I should have expected it. To think my strict Grandmother would leave an inheritance is questionable in its credibility. Polishing my martial skills without relying on a treasure is the best shortcut. Maybe that's what she was trying to tell me with this helmet?"
"How profound of Lady Kublai's grandmother!" Marco praised. "She left a lesson from the afterlife with her own helmet."
"Well if you're not going to take it I will." Just gotta blow off this dust and-
Oh.
"Hey uh, you guys are probably wrong about that lesson thing." I looked at the helmet closely, "The helmet is another fucking map."
"It's… a map! Drawn directly on the helmet!"
"...Thank you." Kublai smiled at me. "I really am inexperienced. I even overlooked a message left to me by my grandmother. Thank you so much: you've deepened the bond between my grandmother and I."
Um…
"I uh," I looked away, "Do I still get the helmet or?"*
"Ahahah! Of course, it's thank to you that we found grandmother's true message! First, however, we must decipher the next location."
"I'll get immediately to work." Marco began to copy the map by drawing it on paper. "Uhm, this is more complicated than last time. "I'll need access to a library…"
====
So, after returning to civilization Marco found out the treasure's location. Guess what?
It was in another cave.
This time all the way to Vietnam!
"Welcome to the rice fields!" I joked, "No idea how Gengis managed to hide something here but hey, here we are."
"Grandmother had a knack for succeeding in the unexpected." Kublai commented with a nostalgic smile. "We should probably be on guard for any traps."
"This kind of exploration is my forte." Marco boasted. "Lady Kublai, please allow me to take the lead."
"I appreciate that, but I'll lead. This is something I must do by my own effort. It's enough that you helped me get this far. Now I'd just like you two to watch me at my most courageous."
"Oh yeah go ahead." I fastened the hat we found in the last cave on my head, "Lead the way."
Speaking of, this hat was now rust free!
Still kinda old though. Maragi may be good at her job but she's not a miracle worker.
We barely managed to take a few steps inside the cave before a middle-aged woman with dark skin and short white hair walked out of the darkness, looking at us with a hard stare. "...Who are you?"
"Some guys who found a map." I shot off instantly, "Hi."
"...Tell me your names. Answer quickly." Her gaze intensified. "If you're here for the treasure…"
"That dark skin of yours is beautiful." Kublai smiled charmingly. "I am Kublai Khan. I would like you to return to me what you have been entrusted with."
"Kublai...Khan…" The woman's features softened upon hearing that name.
"My grandmother's property. As soon as I receive it we shall leave immediately."
"I know that name." The woman nodded. "You're the only one who is allowed to have the treasure." She smiled. "My job is over…"
And just like that the woman vanished, as if she was merely a mirage.
"W-Where did she go? What happened?!" Marco was dumbstruck.
I turned to her, "I mean, it was a bit trippy to see but it's obvious that she was some kind of ghost."
"Good work…" Kublai smiled, totally unaffected. "Thank you for protecting the inheritance all this time…"
We advanced deeper into the cave, finding no trace of traps whatsoever. And then, at the end of the long passage…
Was a veritable mountain of gold and gemstones!
"...You know," I took a breath, "I am kind of disappointed we don't get another hat."
"Hehe… Leave it to grandmother to stash away this much treasure. It's going to take some work just bringing it all back." Kublai commented. "I'm grateful to have the treasure, but I wonder if she left any sort of message to me. Personally, that's what I was looking forward the most…"
"Lady Kublai, there's a bow hanging on the wall with a rolled-up parchment tied to it." Marco pointed out. "Maybe it's that?"
The bow in question was a small wooden bow with a dark diamond pattern engraved on it's side. It also had tips of metal and the arrow left on it kind of made it look like it was shooting a tridan but hey that's just me.
"Let's see…" Kublai took and open the parchment. "'I found this bow while raiding India. Apparently it's called Gandiva and was made by the Gods, but I prefer swords so you can have it. Also, pregnancy and childbirth are a pain in the ass: if you must continue the family line stock up on alcohol. Gengis Khan.'"
Kublai smiled tenderly. "Yes, those are without a doubt words written by my grandmother. Hehe, I guess I'll always be a child in her eyes. Grandmother, someday I will surpass you. From now on, I'll work hard to polish my skills and grow into a fine ruler."
"...Right." I nodded, "So like, are we done here or is there any other important treasure around?"
"Even if there was, I think I'd just leave it there for now. This is more than enough." Kublai replied. "I must thank the both of you. I wouldn't have been able to make it here by myself. Sorry that I can't think of anything else to reward you with, but…"
Before I could react Kublai kissed my cheek.
"Ah… AAAAAHHHHH!!" Marco screamed, the umbrella shattering in her hands.
Uh- I- Uh- I-
"Ahhhh-" I squeaked, my face burning red.
She just- I- Eeep!
"I worked hard on deciphering the map too…" Marco's eyes turned bloodshot. "Why only him…?"
"I have to thank you too, kitten."
Kublai then kissed Marco. On the lips.
"Ah… Uwaaaah~" The green-haired girl moaned before fainting.
"Oh, are you alright Marco?" Kublai looked in concern at the fainted girl. "Maybe it was a little too stimulating for a little kitten."
"Ahhhhhhh." I let out as my hand slowly touched the place Kublai kissed, "Uh- I- Uh- Eh?"
It was in my messy haze of a mind did I notice that the cave was vibrating. No, not vibrating. That was technically the wrong word I think. There was a rumble going through the stone walls that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It sounded familiar but like it was from a distant memory.
Idly, I began to walk back towards the entrance of the cave. Curiously glancing as something zoomed across the sky. It was made of steel yet it few like a bird…
Wait.
Oh my god.
"Is…" My eyes were wide and my jaw dropped, "Is that a fucking jet?!"
Made of steel, adorned in gold, and flying through the skies was the pinnacle of modern aviation! The goddamn jet plane!
I mean, I have a Level 0 in all things modern military but I can recognize a jet!
The modern impossibility stopped above the the cave and then descended, landing on the grass in front of me with the grace of a bird.
"Hey boy! Guess what?!" The hatch opened, revealing Satan, Ashoka, Sanzou and Lu Bu. "Ancient Indian hypersonic jet! Man, those Indian Gods were crazy!"
My jaw dropped, "I'm sorry what?!"
====
Notes:
Alex: It's called a Vimana.
Chen: I'm just wondering when the hell those three went on an adventure so Bizarre they ended up with a jet.
Alex: That will be explained in the next chapter! Don't miss it!
====
The door to my room suddenly slammed open. Marco looked around the room until her gaze settled on me. "Trash. Come with me, or I'll stab you to death."
I paused, my eyes blinking. "Why?"
Her frown deepened. "Lady Kublai requested your presence."
"Don't know why you didn't just start with that…" I muttered under my breath as I got off from my desk and grabbed Kusanagi from off it's place between a bunch of pillows.
Trust me last time I left it on the floor and fell asleep the thing had nearly destroyed my room when I woke up.
"So, where is Kublai anyways?"
"She's waiting for us at Urgench. Now come, I've already had the horses ready." She made a 'follow me' gesture. "Don't lag behind. If you do, I'll toss you into boiling oil."
"I'll tell Kublai you're being mean to me again." I gave her a smirk that only annoying younger siblings could have.
Ah, though I may be an older brother I have lived with two sisters for years. I know the tactics!
She bristled, and if looks could kill I'd be dead one hundred times over. However, for the whole travel she toned down her insults.
====
"Thank you for coming." Kublai greeted both me and Marco with a radiant smile. "Now that our countries are part of the same empire travel has become much easier, don't you think so?"
"Well horses are kind of hard to get used to as a main form of transportation but it's not like I didn't know how to ride them before." I paused, "Wait that's not what you mean. Uh, yeah it's uh, easier."
"That's right! Horses are not easy to ride, that's how it should be: otherwise riding them could become boring, and that would be a great shame." Her smile widened. Er, I think that's just a you thing. My aunt taught me in like, a day. Though coming here helps as practice. "Ah, but I have not asked you to come here for this. I hope ours would be a private talk. To start with, before your conquest Mongolia had financial troubles."
"The annexation with Zipang brought the problems to light." Marco continued. "It provided a little of a relief, but some problems still remain."
"My grandmother's generation was not like this though." Kublai frowned. "It is all due to my inexperience. To make matters worse, even if I wanted to improve the situation we're shorts on funds."
Oh is that what this is about?
I thought she'd invite me to go adventuring or something but hey, business never ends.
"So you want me, to give you money, so that your part of our whole little shebang can make more money." I pointed at her and then back to me as if that made things clearer. "I mean, I can help speed things up but I'm not exactly the guy in-charge of all the money so Yoshi and I will have to do some stuff. Should probably be easier then getting money to India though."
I looked her over before pausing, "No, wait, I take that back. Probably going to have to wrestle a few nobles into submission. Again."
"There's no need. My request is different." From within her voluminous cape she took out a very old parchment roll and opened, revealing a map of Mongolia. "This, is a map of fortune handed down to me by my mother. My grandmother, Genghis Khan's inheritance sleeps somewhere even now. I was searching for the map that records its location, and I finally found it. This is it."
I blinked, "Oh! That's right! You mentioned this back at the party… Before we started the Thailand Conquest. Wow, how long have you been waiting to do this?"
"Indeed, the excitement made the wait seems oh so very long." She nodded, her smile not wavering. "But if we can find grandmother's inheritance it will be worth it. Moreover, while waiting I had time to decipher the map, and now I know where to go. My request, thus, is twofold: first, I would like to request ownership rights to the inheritance; second, I was wondering if you would like to join us in the search."
She clapped a hand on my shoulder and showed a handsome smile. "Yes. With you, I'll be able to cross the deepest valleys."
"I want Lady Kublai to touch me tooo…" Marco moaned in distress, eyes burning with jealousy.
"Er, sure thing." Marco you're really creeping me out here! "But I got make, uh, you know, preparations."
"Certainly. We can conduct our search for the inheritance on your schedule." Kublai nodded. "When you're ready, just tell me."
"Got it."
I guess we're looking for One Peace now!
...Okay Kublai was certainly dressed the part.
===
I wasn't joking when I said I had prep work to do you know?
Of course that included...
The clanging of a hammer on metal rang through the forge at a solid pace. I sat, watching idly from the corner as the red hot flames blazed on.
I'm glad I had these temperature changing charms because otherwise I would be hot.
There was a loud hissing sound as the hot block of metal was sunk into the water, steam escaping from the surface in large clouds. Once the steam became just a trickle Maragi pulled out the sword held in her giant pliers, observing in from various angles before nodding in satisfaction. "I thank you for waiting, Lord Miyafuji." The blacksmith put down the sword over a large piece of cloth. "I know it is disrespectful to make one's Lord waiting, but this is a delicate procedure that requires my full attention."
"It's fine." I wave, grabbing the sword. "Wow yeah, once again Kusanagi really likes your work. The sword is buzzing in my hands."
"It is a honor to be able to work on the legendary Kusanagi." She bowed. "That such a simple blacksmith as me is found adequate fills me with great joy. I can tell that you and it are growing up to be wonderful partners, even if at the moment your personalities clash more often than not. But that is considered acceptable, for you are a ruler before being a warrior."
"What? Who told you that?" I gave the short woman a look, "I'm more of a person before being a ruler. Honestly I'm pretty sure that the only way the sword won't kill you in your sleep is if you constantly stroke it's eg- ow!"
"As I was saying." Maragi nodded, her eyes closed. "The wills of a master swordsman and their sword are as one. When there are differences, it's a chance of growth for both as long as intentions are pure. So, if I may ask, is there anything else I may assist you with?"
"Oh yeah, so like I was wondering. Do you know anything about the Kusanagi? Something I wasn't told before." I held the blade up, "See I always thought the Kusanagi no Tsurugi was a sword that specialize in fire. Low and behold it suddenly has the ability to pull wind out. I'm… confused to say the least."
"I believe I can explain." Maragi nodded again. "To begin with we must go back to the times of the Kusanagi's creation, when the God Susanoo slew the monster Yamata no Orochi. The Orochi was an evil dragon that devoured seven daughters of Kunitsukami, Earthly Deities, and was about to eat the eight one. Now, this is merely a theory developed by past generations of scholars, but it is believed that the essence of the seven daughters, Kunitsukami themselves, was gathered and refined inside Orochi's body. By this theory, the Kusanagi took its form as a sword when Susanoo's own sword, the Worochi-no-Aramasa, broke upon striking it. In short, the Kusanagi is the final product of an fortuitous, natural occurring mystical forging process using the essence of Heaven and Earth. Are you following, my Lord?"
"Worochi no what?" I blinked, "I thought it was the Totsuka?"
"Totsuka means 'Length of Ten Fists', and Tsurugi is a type of sword." She explained. "Sadly not all names of legendary swords were passed down to future generations, so most historians use the term Totsuka-no-Tsurugi to speak of those swords, for a length of ten fists was considered proper at the time. The Worochi-no-Aramasa was also called Ame-no-Habakiri and Futsushimitama-no-Tsurugi."
Well uh, that's a stupid list of names.
"So uh, is now a good time to mention that I accidentally fused the two swords together?" I glanced at Kusanagi. "I mean, it kinda just happened and really Totsu- Worochi was a slab of rock so…"
The blade seemingly growled in my hand. "Oh come on you know it to be true!"
Maragi blinked, face unchanged. "If it pleases you, I would like to hear a more detailed explanation of what happened."
"Okay so like," I held a hand up. "I wasn't originally able to use the Kusanagi, you know, it wouldn't come out of its sheath and stuff. But when Takeru showed it to me it was… Damaged. Almost irreparably damaged. Cracks everywhere which probably explained why her usual technique wasn't the fucking army killer we know today come to think of it. So she hands the sword to me and… Give me a sec it's been a long while since this happened."
Right so if I recall correctly…
"Right well when I first touched the sword there was like, a jolt of electricity through my hands? I think it resonated with the Worochi or something. And then Takeru got Illuminati'd and tried to kill Himiko and I which ended up breaking the Tsu- Tch, Worochi. Then what happens is that the broken pieces of the blade fuse with the damaged sword in order to become what you see here now." Kusanagi vibrated, "Yes, you killed another sword for pow- Ow! Don't sting me that's exactly what happened!"
Maragi nodded while humming. "I see. The Worochi-no-Aramasa used by Sunanoo was broken, but since we don't know how it was created it is possible that a similar sword may exist… I see, I see." She cupped her chin, eyes narrowed in concentration. "I shudder to think what may have damaged the Kusanagi to such an extent as you described. But if it wasn't something that could be fixed with a forging process, then the likely explanation is that the concept itself of the Kusanagi's form as a sword was damaged. To fix it, the Kusanagi conquered the essence of the Worochi you possessed, replicating the process of its birth to acquire an intact sword-form-concept. Heaven and Earth joining into one. The pillar connecting both. Truly, it is most marvelous."
The Kusanagi vibrated, as if proud.
"Yeah okay I think I got what you just said but i'm going to ignore it." I nodded sagely as a low rumbled spread throughout the Kusanagi. "Oh come on did you actually get that or did you just nod along because it sounded cool?"
The blade was silent.
I consider this my victory.
"I will finish to answer your original question, my Lord." Maragi continued as if everything was normal. "Originally the God Susanoo named the sword he found within Orochi-"
I blinked as she told me the name.
That's uh… That's a mouthful.
"Instead of using it to replace the sword he lost,-" Maragi continued. "Susanoo offered the sword as a gift to his sister Goddess Amaterasu, as an apology for the time when he tossed a dead horse into her garden."
"Uh…" My mouth hung open, "You going to explain that or…"
What the fuck?
"Susanoo and Amaterasu had a long-standing rivalry, the former famous for his almost childish fits of rage." She explained calmly. "He also destroyed her rice fields and killed one of her attendants. In fury and grief Amaterasu hid inside a cave, plunging the world into darkness since she is the Goddess of the Sun. She only came out of it when the other Gods threw a large party outside the cave and the Goddess Ame-no-Uzume danced promiscuously. After that Sunanoo was banished from Heaven."
I paused, "Wait didn't that involve a mirror?"
"Indeed. The mirror Yata no Kagami, one of the Three Regalia of Zipang, was hung from a tree outside the cave together with the Yasakani no Magatama. It was part of the attempts to lure Amaterasu out."
"Uh, huh." Weird. "So uh, anything else?"
"After Susanoo and Amaterasu reconciled the Kusanagi, together with the mirror and the magatama, was entrusted to the Imperial family as a symbol of their legitimacy. The sword passed through multiple hands, until it was given to Yamato Takeru by her aunt Yamatohime-no-mikoto, the Shrine Maiden of the Ise Shrine, to protect her in times of peril. What happened next is a story told by Yamato Takeru herself: during a hunting expedition, Yamato was lured onto an open grassland by a treacherous warlord, who then ignited the grass to trap Takeru and burn her to death. Unfortunately, it turned out that being proficient in fire-based techniques does not mean one also has the ability to put it out."
"Yeah no shit." I muttered under my breath.
"So Yamato Takeru tried to use the sword given to her by her aunt to cut the grass and remove fuel from the fire: in doing so, she discovered that the sword enabled her to control the wind and cause it to move in the direction of her swing. So she combined it with her own fire techniques and sweep all the fire in the direction of the warlord and his men. In triumph, Yamato Takeru renamed the sword Kusanagi-no-Tsurugi, the 'Grass-cutter Sword'."
"And then… She just forgot that the Kusanagi had wind power?" My eyebrows furrowed, "Wait, that's right she got amnesia then mind wammied. But wouldn't someone else remember?"
"I am to believe Yamato Takeru really liked fire." Maragi diplomatically said. "I do not presume to know how the tale may have evolved since she first recounted it."
"Uh huh…" I stood up before stretching my arms, sheathing Kusanagi. "Well thanks for the info."
"It was my pleasure." She bowed. "Maybe it might interest you to know I have recovered another of the swords I was searching for, the Dōjigiri, when passing through Australia. If you hear of swordsmen interested in proving themselves, please send them to me."
When the hell did she do that?!
"...I think I know just the person."
====
You know what someone needs to get good?
Practice.
You know how to practice?
Training.
And do you know how to train?
By beating yourself into the ground and coming out stronger!
...Wait that's probably not right.
"Water." I paused, grabbing the flask from my waist and letting the cool liquid run down my throat. Ah yes, Sei was still the best…
"It is important for a swordsman to keep their body properly hydrated." Sasaki informed me, sword in a relaxed but ready position. "Do you eat enough vegetable? What about fruits?"
"Fruits yes vegetables nooooo." I drawled out before pausing, "Wait I think Tofu technically counts as a vegetable."
"Since it is made from soy milk, I suppose that can be considered true. Myself, I prefer miso."
"Cool." I nodded, "So about what I was saying on that sword…"
"If I am found worthy, it would be a honor to be entrusted with one of the Five Swords Under Heaven." She nodded, a small smile forming on her lips. "It is not the proper length for my Ganryuu Style, but the Dōjigiri… the 'Slayer of Shuten-Doji', considered by many to be the most powerful of the Five. Truly a marvelous sword."
"Shuten-Doji…" Hm, if I remember correctly, "Oh that guy? One of the three most evil youkai? Huh, didn't know that. Anyways yeah, Ganryuu Style, that's a name…"
"It means 'Large Rock style'. I came up with it when I finally completed my secret technique, Tsubame Gaeshi. Lacking suitable targets, I used a nearby boulder." One hand came up to massage her head, her smile widening. "Master was quite angry. He kept hitting my head with his fan, saying it was punishment for wasting a perfectly good sitting spot."
"Huh, the story I knew had Sasaki use birds to develop the Tsubame Gaeshi…" I nodded, "Then again, that's the story filtered through a bunch of other stories."
"That isn't exactly wrong, for I was trained by Tengu."
"Ah no, it was like-" I waved my hands, "So the story goes that, for convenience's sake just consider this a guy who is also known as Sasaki Koujiro. So like, he's sitting in his compound and then a bunch of birds start eating his rice every day. Which is bad enough but then they start exploding leaving you know, bird guts and stuff all over the place. Which he doesn't like. Then, in some tremendous leap of logic, he decides it's only proper to challenge the birds to a duel. But you know, fucking birds are fast. So the he makes the Tsubame Gaeshi, attacking in three directions at once, just to kill the birds. All because they decided to eat his fucking rice and then explode in his house."
"...That is quite the outrageous story." Sasaki raised an eyebrow. "It makes me wonder what kind of rice this guy was eating."
"I dunno I don't write this shit." I sighed, "Eventually legends and stories get mutated until they become completely outrageous. Especially if it's memetic mutation, that shit gets bizarre."
"Memetic mutation? What is that?"
"Now that is a long story that I don't want to get into but suffice to say information eventually gets uh, repeated so much that it becomes something new." How do I say this… "I guess in your case, and the rest of the heroes of the world as well, it happens when you become famous that eventually the idea of uh, 'Sakaki Koujiro' becomes bigger then the actual person, Sakaki Koujiro. And ideas are subjected to the human mind, not any basis in reality."
"In short, chalk it up to rumormongers and chatty housewifes having too much free time and even more fantasy." Satan commented with knowing tone as his head emerged from behind a nearby rock. "Also, hi."
"GYAAAAAH!" I exclaimed, jumping upwards. "Stop doing that!"
"After spending millennia practicing to perfect it? No chance in Hell." The snake snickered.
"Oh? You must be the rumored Talking Red Snake of Zipang." Sasaki blinked in slight surprise. "They say you always appear unexpectedly, and that your words contain a rare wisdom that is difficult to discern."
"That's one way to put it. The Old Man knows that when I try to say things directly nobody pay me attention."
"So like," I pinched my nose, "Why are you here?"
"I was bored." He shamelessly admitted.
"Of course you were." With a sigh I gulped down some more water before standing up, "Well I guess it's better that we get back to work. Ready?"
"Of course." Sasaki raised her sword, sheath still covering the blade, and brought it to her shoulders' level. "Here I come. Hiken."
The air stilled.
It wasn't that there was no air. It was still there, but it was like it turned solid and thick. It was hard to breath, my lungs burned, every second seemed to last for eternity as I longed for the air that had betrayed me-
"Tsubame Gaeshi!"
Three perfectly executed, simultaneous slashes converged upon me from three different directions. Desperately my Brave spread throughout my body to dampen the blow but that didn't stop the strikes from hitting me, sending my body flying backwards and crashing into the dirt.
I held a hand up as the air became normal again. Silently I grabbed my flask of water and chugged it down my throat.
"Wow, that was brutal." Satan commented. "Interesting technique you have there, girl. Two slashes are almost always already a killing blow, three are basically overkill. Did you plan to slay an Oni or what?"
"Nothing so fanciful. I merely wished to master the use of the sword and to leave behind an inheritance." Sasaki explained. "For life is fleeting, but a man can live forever through his deeds."
"Well, can't say I disagree. Being forgotten is a crappy destiny alright." The snake slithered next to me. His next words came as an amused whisper. "And, let me guess, this is not a softcore M-game?"
"Who do you think I am, Joan?" I shot back, "No this is uh, that training from hell thing."
"You assume people in hell have the need to come up with extraordinarily difficult training regiments. Yes 'need', not 'time'. He quiped. "Also, said blonde thickhead is spying you from behind a tree."
"I'm sorry- what?!" I shouted, grabbing a nearby rock before tossing it at the tree the snake was pointing at. There was no Brave in the throw but by god was there a lot of adrenaline.
A familiar arm came out from behind the tree and caught the rock before retreating. "If this is my king's will I, Joan of Arc, shall treasure this gift like a treasure!"
"Good luck boy." Satan said with a sympathetic tone.
I could only say one word, "Why."
====
It turned out the map lead to a cave within Mongolia's territories. Knowing that, we rode there on horse.
There was just one problem.
Said cave was on the top of one of the mountains of the Karakorum. Also known a giant fucking mountain range.
The thing crossed the border of India and Taika for fucks sake!
"Alright," I held a hand to my face as I looked at the map, "Do any of us have a plan?"
"Of course I do. I'm an explorer after all." Marco said smugly. "Lady Kublai: I deeply regret my next words, but we can't continue on horse from here on out."
"I see what you mean." Kublai looked up at the mountain range with a glint in her eyes, while her own horse was quickly shaking its head left and right. "It is quite different from Mongolian plains. Ufufufu, it makes me even more excited."
"That's why allow me, Marco Polo, to procure new mounts adequate for the task!" The green haired women vanished for a moment before coming back with travel… oxe? I guess that made sense since this a mountain and all but- Wait.
I blinked, "There's only two."
"You don't need one." She replied with a venomous voice, expression as cold as ice, before immediately switching to rainbows and confetti when turning to Kublai. "Lady Kublai! Those are yaks! I know they smell and are unworthy of carrying your magnificence, but I can assure you they are adequate for the task at hand!"
"Oooh?" The bluenette was hugging an yak around the neck. "What a long, warm fur."
Okay how do I get through this one?
Wait since there's two....
"Uh, Kublai?" I coughed, turning away to hide the look on my face as I sacrificed all my dignity. "Do you um, mind if I ride with you?"
CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK CLINK
The sound of knives being grinded against each other filled the air.
"Since there are only two and we're three, then I guess it's inevitable." Kublai nodded, completely ignoring Marco's behavior. "Or, what about riding with Marco? I noticed you two don't talk much with each other, so this is a good opportunity to deepen your bonds."
Ha.
Ahahahahaha.
I looked at Marco.
She was pouring a green, sticky liquid on her knives with an angelic expression.
…Eeep.
Oh god. Oh god she'll actually kill me oh god oh god- WAIT!
What if I suggest Kublai ride with Marco? No that won't do that woman's head was thicker than a brick. I'd have to somehow force… it…
In a panicked rush I snatched the map out of Kublai's hands and threw myself on top of the ox which understandably started to panic as well. "Hey uh- Race you guys to the next landmark Marco has probably memorized the map seeyouguystherebye!!!!"
RUN OX RUN MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
"Ooh! What a splendid idea: a race to reach Heaven's peak! Marvelous! Come Marco!"
"L-Lady Kublai?! OH MY GOD I'M HUGGING LADY KUBLAI KYAAAAAAHHH-!!!"
====
It took almost all day, but we finally arrived at the famous cave, a large opening in the mountain where darkness concealed everything after a few steps inside.
"Poof." I muttered, lighting a fire above my finger with the Brave I gained from the horrible trip here.
"There's no mistaking it. The treasure should sleeping within this cave." Marco panted heavily, face as red as a tomato.
"Our destination is further in. Let's hurry:" Kublai, instead, sounded very eager.
The cave's inside was cold and humid, with no signs of human presence. In fact, it looked like no living being went inside it for decades.
"...Here." Kublai suddenly said. "This boulder is acting as a camouflage. Hrngh… Alright."
She pushed and rolled the boulder to the side, revealing a small alcove carved into the wall with a chest inside.
"I've found it! My family crest is engraved on this chest. There's no mistaking it!" She said triumphantly.
"That's my Lady Kublai! Are your hands dirty? Ah, just some dust…" Marco began to wipe Kublai's hands with extreme gentleness and reverence.
This is creepy. This is so creepy. I wanna go home.
"Right so uh, treasure!" I shouted, walking up to the chest. "Any traps or…?"
"Indeed, that's a valid concern."
"This is where my job starts." Marco produced a lot of strange tools. "Lady Kublai, please watch. I'll open this lock for you."
She began to work on the chest, for once looking professional. "It is indeed booby trapped. Once I release the trap, I can unlock… There's it open! Lady Kublai, please have a look."
"Thank you Marco." Kublai approached and knelt before the chest. "Grandmother, I am still inexperienced as a ruler. Please forgive me for using your inheritance…"
She opened the chest. And inside…
Was just an old, rusted helmet.
"Sweet." I declared, walking towards the chest and holding up the helmet. "This works."
Instead of being disappointed Kublai laughed. "Hehehe. It's disappointing, but I guess I should have expected it. To think my strict Grandmother would leave an inheritance is questionable in its credibility. Polishing my martial skills without relying on a treasure is the best shortcut. Maybe that's what she was trying to tell me with this helmet?"
"How profound of Lady Kublai's grandmother!" Marco praised. "She left a lesson from the afterlife with her own helmet."
"Well if you're not going to take it I will." Just gotta blow off this dust and-
Oh.
"Hey uh, you guys are probably wrong about that lesson thing." I looked at the helmet closely, "The helmet is another fucking map."
"It's… a map! Drawn directly on the helmet!"
"...Thank you." Kublai smiled at me. "I really am inexperienced. I even overlooked a message left to me by my grandmother. Thank you so much: you've deepened the bond between my grandmother and I."
Um…
"I uh," I looked away, "Do I still get the helmet or?"*
"Ahahah! Of course, it's thank to you that we found grandmother's true message! First, however, we must decipher the next location."
"I'll get immediately to work." Marco began to copy the map by drawing it on paper. "Uhm, this is more complicated than last time. "I'll need access to a library…"
====
So, after returning to civilization Marco found out the treasure's location. Guess what?
It was in another cave.
This time all the way to Vietnam!
"Welcome to the rice fields!" I joked, "No idea how Gengis managed to hide something here but hey, here we are."
"Grandmother had a knack for succeeding in the unexpected." Kublai commented with a nostalgic smile. "We should probably be on guard for any traps."
"This kind of exploration is my forte." Marco boasted. "Lady Kublai, please allow me to take the lead."
"I appreciate that, but I'll lead. This is something I must do by my own effort. It's enough that you helped me get this far. Now I'd just like you two to watch me at my most courageous."
"Oh yeah go ahead." I fastened the hat we found in the last cave on my head, "Lead the way."
Speaking of, this hat was now rust free!
Still kinda old though. Maragi may be good at her job but she's not a miracle worker.
We barely managed to take a few steps inside the cave before a middle-aged woman with dark skin and short white hair walked out of the darkness, looking at us with a hard stare. "...Who are you?"
"Some guys who found a map." I shot off instantly, "Hi."
"...Tell me your names. Answer quickly." Her gaze intensified. "If you're here for the treasure…"
"That dark skin of yours is beautiful." Kublai smiled charmingly. "I am Kublai Khan. I would like you to return to me what you have been entrusted with."
"Kublai...Khan…" The woman's features softened upon hearing that name.
"My grandmother's property. As soon as I receive it we shall leave immediately."
"I know that name." The woman nodded. "You're the only one who is allowed to have the treasure." She smiled. "My job is over…"
And just like that the woman vanished, as if she was merely a mirage.
"W-Where did she go? What happened?!" Marco was dumbstruck.
I turned to her, "I mean, it was a bit trippy to see but it's obvious that she was some kind of ghost."
"Good work…" Kublai smiled, totally unaffected. "Thank you for protecting the inheritance all this time…"
We advanced deeper into the cave, finding no trace of traps whatsoever. And then, at the end of the long passage…
Was a veritable mountain of gold and gemstones!
"...You know," I took a breath, "I am kind of disappointed we don't get another hat."
"Hehe… Leave it to grandmother to stash away this much treasure. It's going to take some work just bringing it all back." Kublai commented. "I'm grateful to have the treasure, but I wonder if she left any sort of message to me. Personally, that's what I was looking forward the most…"
"Lady Kublai, there's a bow hanging on the wall with a rolled-up parchment tied to it." Marco pointed out. "Maybe it's that?"
The bow in question was a small wooden bow with a dark diamond pattern engraved on it's side. It also had tips of metal and the arrow left on it kind of made it look like it was shooting a tridan but hey that's just me.
"Let's see…" Kublai took and open the parchment. "'I found this bow while raiding India. Apparently it's called Gandiva and was made by the Gods, but I prefer swords so you can have it. Also, pregnancy and childbirth are a pain in the ass: if you must continue the family line stock up on alcohol. Gengis Khan.'"
Kublai smiled tenderly. "Yes, those are without a doubt words written by my grandmother. Hehe, I guess I'll always be a child in her eyes. Grandmother, someday I will surpass you. From now on, I'll work hard to polish my skills and grow into a fine ruler."
"...Right." I nodded, "So like, are we done here or is there any other important treasure around?"
"Even if there was, I think I'd just leave it there for now. This is more than enough." Kublai replied. "I must thank the both of you. I wouldn't have been able to make it here by myself. Sorry that I can't think of anything else to reward you with, but…"
Before I could react Kublai kissed my cheek.
"Ah… AAAAAHHHHH!!" Marco screamed, the umbrella shattering in her hands.
Uh- I- Uh- I-
"Ahhhh-" I squeaked, my face burning red.
She just- I- Eeep!
"I worked hard on deciphering the map too…" Marco's eyes turned bloodshot. "Why only him…?"
"I have to thank you too, kitten."
Kublai then kissed Marco. On the lips.
"Ah… Uwaaaah~" The green-haired girl moaned before fainting.
"Oh, are you alright Marco?" Kublai looked in concern at the fainted girl. "Maybe it was a little too stimulating for a little kitten."
"Ahhhhhhh." I let out as my hand slowly touched the place Kublai kissed, "Uh- I- Uh- Eh?"
It was in my messy haze of a mind did I notice that the cave was vibrating. No, not vibrating. That was technically the wrong word I think. There was a rumble going through the stone walls that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It sounded familiar but like it was from a distant memory.
Idly, I began to walk back towards the entrance of the cave. Curiously glancing as something zoomed across the sky. It was made of steel yet it few like a bird…
Wait.
Oh my god.
"Is…" My eyes were wide and my jaw dropped, "Is that a fucking jet?!"
Made of steel, adorned in gold, and flying through the skies was the pinnacle of modern aviation! The goddamn jet plane!
I mean, I have a Level 0 in all things modern military but I can recognize a jet!
The modern impossibility stopped above the the cave and then descended, landing on the grass in front of me with the grace of a bird.
"Hey boy! Guess what?!" The hatch opened, revealing Satan, Ashoka, Sanzou and Lu Bu. "Ancient Indian hypersonic jet! Man, those Indian Gods were crazy!"
My jaw dropped, "I'm sorry what?!"
====
Notes:
Alex: It's called a Vimana.
Chen: I'm just wondering when the hell those three went on an adventure so Bizarre they ended up with a jet.
Alex: That will be explained in the next chapter! Don't miss it!
EmpirePlayer
Anyone need some chaos?
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2014
- Messages
- 1,209
Implying there isn't a Gilgamesh running around in ES too.
Doru
Digimon, Gamer, and Deviant
- Joined
- May 24, 2017
- Messages
- 563
ES Gil looks like Gil-ko so that is what I'm calling her. Fate!Gil-ko is just Gil with a female body due to a potion.
Chapter 47: Pink Floyd
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 12,415
Chapter 47: Pink Floyd
====
"Alright, so it all began like this." Satan started after everyone sat down in a circle outside the cavern. "I was napping and minding my own business, when suddenly Yellow Dragon over there yanked my tail."
"Again, sorry about that." Lu replied.
"Turned out she wanted to know where you went, boy. Of course I didn't know at the time, but somehow the conversation turned to this special ancient sword that could supposedly be found inside a mausoleum in Chang'an. Then Tripitaka over there heard said sword supposedly have the power to destroy evil, and so she insisted in coming along."
"Hakkai, you should stop running away without informing me." Sanzou was tapping her staff on my legs. "Your past, undisciplined self is showing more and more recently. Let's meditate together on the sacred scriptures to bury it once again."
Uh.
I pointed to Marco and Kublai, "They asked for my help so I helped them?"
"And yet, you didn't inform me you were leaving." Sanzou continued to tap her staff on my legs.
"Somehow I got dragged along while they were going to the mausoleum, and on the way we meet Nudist Queen over there, who wanted Tripitaka to check and bless the first Dharma Pillar made."
"What is wrong with my clothes…?" Ashoka mused under her breath, looking like she just heard someone speaking Martian.
"Somehow, again, we all ended up going through the mausoleum." Satan rolled his eyes. "I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say ancient Chinese traps are no fucking joke. And the sword wasn't even there!"
"Yep! Turned out Shi has it brought to her before we entered the mausoleum. She wanted to try a new method to improve her health, and she needed a prized sword." Lu took out a sword with seven azure gems on its surface. "But it didn't work, so after scolding me she let me keep this Seven Star Sword! What do you think? It looks powerful, right?"
"Well, seems kinda… I don't know how to put it in words." I paused, "Also do you even use swords?"
"Sure I do!" She lazily swung it behind her.
The instant the edge touched the ground a large fissure opened in the earth, fifty yards deep and twice as long.
"See?! It even does all the work itself! Isn't this sword amazing?"
Holy shit...
"More like fucking terrifying." I backed up a bit, "What if you accidentally dropped it?"
"Put it into the scabbard woman!" Satan yelled at her, to which Lu immediately comply. "Luckily the sword's makers were crazy, not stupid: it's safe to handle as long as it remains inside the scabbard. Where was I…? Oh yes: next thing I know, like a running gag everyone got dragged to India, where we experienced things like age jokes, disproportionate retribution-" Ashoka looked embarrassed at that. "Mass brainwashing, food tours and, for the cherry on top, ending in a secret warehouse built by some long dead dude to store this beauty." The red snake's tail patted the jet. "A honest-to-the-Old-Man Vimana!"
"Vinmanwha?"
Sound's V-y.
"Like I said, ancient Indian hypersonic jet. Solar-powered, and capable of self-repair." Satan sighed. "Too bad it has no weapon system: there is nothing like the ability to fire nuclear missiles at machine-gun's rate just by pressing a button to feel badass."
For about five seconds the picture of this tiny snake wearing sunglasses and flying the plane around like an action movie hero from the 90s popped into my head and I tried not to laugh my ass off.
"S-So what are you going to do now?" I began, biting my inner cheek in an effort not to laugh, "Start an airline service?"
"Nah, too much work. Not to brag, but I'm actually quite lazy, you know?" The snake declares without a hint of shame. "If you need a lift somewhere I'm willing to help, but don't ask me to do it constantly."
"Exactly what I'd expect from an airline run by Satan." I nodded, "I can already picture the name now."
"Hit me."
I stared him dead in the eye. "Delta Airlines."
"Ahahaha!" Lucy, the only one to get the joke, laughed heartily. "Good one boy! So, do you have a new destination in mind? It's going to take some squeezing, but I think we can fit you and the two cuckoolanders."
Marco, who was busy staring in worship at Kublai, blinked. "...Is he talking about us?"
"Seventy-thirty chance." I replied without looking her way.
"Enough chit-chatter!" Sanzou's staff-tapping increased subtly. "Let us return to India. And with us, I mean Hakkai, Gojyo and myself. There is a temple we must visit."
"Ah, I would like to show you the finished Dharma Pillar." Ashoka added.
"My name is Lu Bu, not Gojyo. And come on, all of that can wait. With this thing finding the medicine of eternal youth for Shi will be easy!"
"Ooookay." I placed a hand on my head before reaching into my pouch and pulling out a journal. With a sigh I scribbled stuff down before looking up, "Is there anyone else who wants to book an adventure?"
A general silence was the answer, but minus Satan everyone was staring expectedly at me. "Look we have, like, thirty heroes and two thirds of them want me to do stuff with them." I shrugged, "At this point I'm starting to lose track of you people."
"The perils of popularity boy. Let me give you a piece of advice." Lucy came closer and whispered something in my ear. "Some of them just want to share some good time with you. The others? They need to learn they can rely on others, not just you."
"Why is this all so complicated…" I groaned before snapping the book shut and standing up. "I might as well make my own side quest!"
"Such as?" He asked, now sounding interested.
"Uh…." I spun my fingers around before snapping them. "There's like, a lot of options. Finding the other two treasures of Zipang, tracking down and taming the sand whales of Australia, walking in a random direction and hoping something interesting happens… Lots of things."
"In that case, if you accept suggestions I have one: I believe two old pals of mine are still around." Lucy said. "They should be in the West, around Macedonia. I'm not 100% sure, of course, but I have a good feeling."
"...You know what? Fuck it, alright." My foot tapped on the ground, "Fire up the jet please! We have a campaign to plan!"
====
"But really. I appreciate the help boy, but there is no need to go that far." Satan waved his tail. Him, me and all other heroes were gathered in a large hall. "I can search for my old pals alone as long as I can use the Vimana."
"I mean, it was on the list." I shrugged, "It was either this, Russia, or the good old US of A- is that still a thing?"
"USA? If I remember right an old friend of mine, Columbus, planned to found a nation with that name in the new continent." Cook said. "But I don't know how she's currently faring. All of her economic projects have a tendency to end badly."
"That's true! Remember when she tried to open a casino?" Mazero laughed. "She kept playing and winning, so by the end no one wanted to go there anymore!"
"Wait, Columbus is trying to found the USA? Columbus?" I clutched my sides as I barreled over laughing, "Hahaha! Yeah, so, like, I guess the country I was born in doesn't exist, but Columbus trying to make it overshadows that fact with sheer hilarity."
Cook looked at Yoshi. "More of that 'future-not-future' stuff?"
"You'll get used to it. If he gets annoying threaten him with paperwork." The replied in a completely serious tone.
"If it's Macedonia you're interesting into, Onii-san, then I can tell you a lot about it!" Himiko boasted.
"Himiko studied hard." BenBen added.
"And we, who live near it, can tell you a bit about Russia." Sun finished.
"Alright, first off, I have never heard of Macedonia in my life unless it's another country with a name change so there's that." I held up a second finger, "Two, the only thing I do know about Russia is that you should never invade it in the winter and it tried communism until that stopped working."
I clapped, "Which basically means I know jack all about any of our three options. Of course, I want to hear about Macedonia first, considering we're going there."
My eyes glanced towards Himiko, "I'm just going to trust you haven't flunked a test on Macedonia yet."
"Absolutely! Because this is my first!" She declared with confidence. "Alright. Macedonia is a nation that prospers from its trades through the Silk Road, and it ranks just under the EU as a national power. In case you're wondering, the Silk Road is the most important route that connects Asia and Europe: it starts from Delhi and goes through Gandhara, Persepolis and Baghdad before ending in the port city of Damascus. Macedonia is ruled by a hero named Alexander. I've heard she's quite a daring and resolute character. In her council is the famous Aristotle, who acts as her aide and as a teacher to the soldiery. Alexander is a strong enough w-"
"GREEKS!" I interrupted, throwing my hands up. "OH GOD IT'S THE FUCKING GREEKS!"
"....Greece is a perfectly fine and normal country." Cook cautiously said, receiving a nod from Mazero and Marco.
"Wait is Macedonia Greece?" I held a hand to my head, "I mean thank god it wasn't Rome, though given Italy already is a thing I'm pretty sure they existed somewhere."
"No. Macedonia sits next to Greece, and the latter is now part of the EU." Cook explained.
"A-Anyway. As I was saying-" Himiko swiftly hid something in her sleeve. "Alexander is known as the 'Champion of Conquest', so it's probably best to be cautious."
"If it helps, in the past I heard rumors that Macedonia is currently at war with Babylon." Ashoka added. "Babylon is a small but very old country, and its walls are famed for never being breached. They fight only defensively, so until now all of Macedonia's attempts have failed."
"I regret asking. I regret asking so hard." I rubbed my hands against my face as I tried to reconcile the knowledge of what the fuck. "Alright, just so my sinking suspicion is cleared up, Nero wouldn't happen to be in charge of Greece right?"
"Mmh… no, I think not." Cook replied after thinking for a while. "Last I heard Leonardo set her residence there because she 'found something interesting'. That's all I know, sorry."
"Greece, Leonardo… Actually that kind of makes sense when I think about it." I shook my head, "Okay, okay, I think I've gotten everything mostly straight. Well no I don't but at this point I'm willing to believe Atlantis is a major power if you told me that so I guess I'm just rolling with the punches."
"There is no country named Atlantis." Nobu told me.
"I can attest to it." Lucy confirmed. "Those guys shot themselves in the ass when they tried to develop nuclear energy: they forgot about safety measures."
"...They fucking what."
"Nuclear energy boy. The Atlanteans were very big on knowledge and understanding, and their Gods supported it. So they closed themselves in self-sufficient isolation and dedicated all their efforts into acquiring more knowledge and developing advanced technology. Until the inevitable happened and they poked something dangerous without stopping to ask themselves 'Wait, what the fuck I am doing?'." The snake shook his head. "I was in Spain at the time, eating spicy albondigas: the flash of the explosions fried my skin and melted my eyeballs. Bad stuff boy, really bad stuff."
"You know what? I'm just not going to question that." I sighed, "So I guess we either confirm we're running head first to Macedonia or try another country? I dunno, any suggestions?"
"Alexander is known as the 'Champion of Conquest', right? Then, let's turn the table on her!" Nobu punched her palm. "We move out after sending the declaration of war and conquer a city before they have time to properly mobilize!"
"Er, sounds like a plan I guess." I shrugged, "We'll be head to the direction Vienna- Viama- Vimama! Vimana!"
"The last one. I suppose such an item would make scouting easier, to say nothing of the advantage of being able to observe the terrain from above." Sun remarked, causing Tama to drool with a happy grin. "Do you still want to hear about Russia and the new continent, or we can proceed?"
"We can get to those later." I waved, "Let's just focus on the now."
"In that case, start writing the declaration of war. I'll prepare the troops for rapid deployment. Our target: Persepolis."
====
You know what the middle east has a lot of?
Sand.
Sand and deserts and mountains oh my.
Like the same could be said of India but there were some good spots. Now I just miss plants. And trees.
Especially trees.
I grew up in Hawaii yo. Sure there was some places that was literally just dirt and rocks but most of my memories are in the places where there were lots and lots of trees. Like the places around my house, or the mountains.
I miss trees.
"Aaaaahh, this brings back memories. So many memories." Satan commented. For once he was actually slithering on the ground, head moving back and forth… except, I couldn't see where his tail ended. "It's here that everything important started, you know? Adam and Eve, Abel and Cain, Noah, Solomon… And to think, at the start it was just me and the Old Man: a small god without a portfolio and me, his first creation. We went far since then."
"Uh-" I looked at the ground, "Suddenly things feel a lot different."
"Don't let it bother you too much. It's old history now: still important of course, but old nonetheless." The red snake reassured me. "Just focus on the immediate future for now. Planning for the long-term is a privilege for old people. Except if they're ancient: in that case, they can dump everything on the younger generation and finally relax."
"...Okay then."
"Persepolis should be visible after crossing that hill." Ashoka informed everyone. Together with her and a few others I went ahead of the army to get a look. Lots and lots of stone buildings… Oh yeah that's a greekification overload if I ever saw one.
"So how are we going to do this?" I glanced at the city again, "Charge right in as usual?"
"Let's see…" Sun inspected the fortifications that could be seen from there. "Walls aren't specially high… not very thick, but arranged into layers… uhm, uhm. A frontal assault of the walls isn't especially advisable. I suggest asking the city to surrender first, and if they refuse attack one of the gates. This should minimize the risks and the defenders' home advantage."
"So we either need a messenger or we throw the message at them…" I sighed, "Who's gonna do it?"
"Uhm…" Sun looked at me and the rest of those who joined the expedition. "How about Sanzou?"
"Are you kidding?" I stared at the women in shock, "That's basically sending a bomb to their doorstep!"
"I know. That's why her use in my list of tactics is under the name 'Willpower-Sapping Bomb'." The strategist explained. "All's fair in war and love. This will be on the test."
"Okay, so, all in favor of sending Sanzou to get them to surrender say aye." I shivered, "Know that if you do so you will be sending them our deadliest weapon."
"T-This counts as minimizing casualties, right? Right?" Himiko asked with a trembling voice.
"If you only consider their physical lives, then I suppose it does…" Yoshi sighed. "May as well try: Aye."
Soon everyone followed the samurai's example. And that's how we chose Sanzou to be a diplomat.
====
Barely half a hour passed since Sanzou left that the city's main gate slammed open and an army poured out, shouting enthusiastically at the top of their lungs.
"Okay now here's the question," I held up a finger. "Are they mad or are they mad?"
"Not as planned! Not as planned!" Sun's eyes were spinning so much they resembled whirligigs. "Defensive formation! Take defensive formation!"
Before long the Macedonian Army was upon us, the majority composed of footmen armed with swords, spears and shields. That was when it became clear they were not mad or mad.
They were… hot-blooded.
I should've seen this coming.
"Ah...! The Zipang Army has come! Waah…" At one point I found myself before a couple of enemy soldiers. "So this is what it feels like to be attacked! How strange!"
"I've attacked before, but to have to actually be on the defensive for the first time is getting me excited!" The second soldier commented. "And what's more, Zipang is pretty strong, right?"
"That's what the rumors say, but I wonder." The first soldier looked at me. "Hey you! You're with Zipang, right? How strong are you guys?"
"Imagine the limits of the human body." I began, "Then go beyond those. That's what our commanders are like."
"Really?! Wooh! Then this will be a tussle to remember! It's unfortunate that Lady Alexander is not here. Do you think we can stop them by ourselves?"
"Let's do our best! We'll fight in place of our beloved Lady Alexander and Master Aristotle and repel the Zipang Army! The first to fall is a chicken!"
"OH YEAH!!!" Was the general cry that followed.
Well, I had to respect their dedication at the very least.
I drew a low breath before bending down and unsheathing Kusanagi. Slowly I gathered the little Brave I had already had before jumping right into the group with an explosive leap. Power coursing through my legs as I kicked one in the face. The air wiped against my skin as my body did a flip in the air and landed on the ground.
With a "Dah!" the Macedonian soldier tumbled to the floor as I did a finger gun in his direction. "Bawk bawk?"
"One of us already fell?! That must means… you're a commander!" One soldier pointed at me! "Onward my brothers!"
"ONWARD!"
One thing quickly became apparent about the Macedonian soldiers.
They were almost impossible to demoralize.
====
The battle lasted for a long time, leaving me completely exhausted, but at the end we achieved victory. And a well-deserved one at that, because the Macedonians fought to the point of unconsciousness. Every last one of them.
The women and children too.
"Okay!" I huffed as I tossed another soldier off me, "I must've missed a memo or something because I wasn't aware we were invading Sparta."
"Chen? Are you alright?" Lancelot asked as she helped me pull off the last soldiers. "I bet you're hungry. I'm hungry too! Do you know there is this ice cream called dondurma? It stretches!" She made groping motions with her hands. "Boing… boing…"
"Why would ice cream stretch?" I gestured with my hands. "It's ice cream. It's a cream. Why would you make a cream that stretches? I mean, you could have it in something that does stretch a bit like mochi ice cream but… it's a cream."
"The meat spins around and around as it cooks~" She was already thinking of something else while drooling.
"Okay then." I sighed, "Where is everybody anyways? I kinda lost them."
"My King. Our most noble and righteous allies have gone searching for a physician to treat their wounds." Joan informed me from behind.
"Woah!" I jumped, "Did you get a vocabulary upgrade in the last ten minutes since I saw you?!"
That line was kinda, unJoan ya know?
"Nay. I merely repeated what God told me, may His glory be eternal." She announced proudly, followed by a fax-like sound coming from her head. "Hmmm… I see, I see. God has decreed! In His boundless compassion and humility, Our Lord doesn't consider his revelations anything special! How majestic!"
"...Okay." I sighed, "Here's hoping they don't pull a Taika and Alexander pops up out of nowhere."
"Hakkai!" Sanzou finally made her reappearance, coming running from the city's direction. "You are not going to believe it! Those Macedonians are incredibly rude. I was going to give them a speech, but the moment they heard I came to speak for Zipang they started shouting and running around, completely ignoring me!"
"Honestly that's a miracle in and of itself." I nodded, "Where did you even go during the ruckus?"
"That? There was a restaurant with a huge discount on the menu, so I stopped to sample a few dishes." She explained without shame whatsoever. "They have this thing called moussaka, which-"
With a 'woosh' of displaced air Lancelot was gone from our sight.
"-is made with eggplant and minced meat. You can eat it both hot and cold, which is a great advantage. Of course moderation is a virtue that cannot be discarded. Thus it's appropriate that-"
I quietly pulled out a tag from my pocket and stuck the Nyakui Invention Number 2 onto my skin. The world became blissfully silent as Sanzou began her rant.
Now then, what to do next…
====
Barely three days passed since our conquest of Persepolis that a new army showed up on the city's doorstep, this one bigger and more disciplined than the last.
Together with a message asking if we could give them a couple of hours to catch their breaths, since they came running all the way from Baghdad.
I looked at Tama, "Where's Baghdad?"
"Let me check…" She looked through her maps. "It's almost the same distance we crossed while coming here! And they did the same in only a few days?! There is speed, and there's this!"
"You know what?" I sighed, "For any insane physical feat they do, just write it off. It's easier on your sanity."
"So what do we do?" Himiko asked. "We let them catch their breath?"
"On the one hand, they're weakened. On the other hand, if we don't they might get mad." I shivered, "And do you really want to deal with these guys when they're mad?"
"...My divination is telling me I don't want the answer to that." She answered with a serious face.
====
So as agreed we waited a couple of hours.
"Wahahahaha!"
And then, as we took the field outside the city, someone came running our way at full speed.
She wore- She wore something. The cloth followed no discernible pattern, like it was stitched together from what was lying around. In her left hand was a spear and in her right was a gauntlet. The women's hair was both pink and blue with minotaur horns to boot. And to top it all off? She didn't even wear pants!
"Oh my god." My jaw dropped, "It's like Benkei grew up and took fashion tips from Nobu! She's a complete wreck! Looking at her hurts my eyes!"
"You! You guys are strong!" The walking menace to sanity shouted at the top of her lungs. "I am Alexander, ruler of Macedonia! I was dying for a real challenge, I had to come here as fast as I could! Consider that a compliment! Wahahahaha!"
"S-So imposing and flashy…" Himiko trembled. "And also weird…"
"Was she attacked by a thrift shop or something?" I muttered in awe.
"Now, let's have some fun!" She twirled her spear and pointed it at me. "No one is going home today until they're all sweaty and their hips hurt like hell!"
====
Notes:
Chen: Oh my god she looks terrible.
Alex: In a game full of strange designs, she's running for first place.
Chen: That's not a strange design, that's the goddamn Frankenstein of designs. Are those cloths from places she's conquered? Is that what it is?
Alex: That's not a bad theory. Of course, the real question is another: are those horns... real?
Chen: Honestly Sei and Benben have their hair like fox and cat ears. Who knows man.
====
"Alright, so it all began like this." Satan started after everyone sat down in a circle outside the cavern. "I was napping and minding my own business, when suddenly Yellow Dragon over there yanked my tail."
"Again, sorry about that." Lu replied.
"Turned out she wanted to know where you went, boy. Of course I didn't know at the time, but somehow the conversation turned to this special ancient sword that could supposedly be found inside a mausoleum in Chang'an. Then Tripitaka over there heard said sword supposedly have the power to destroy evil, and so she insisted in coming along."
"Hakkai, you should stop running away without informing me." Sanzou was tapping her staff on my legs. "Your past, undisciplined self is showing more and more recently. Let's meditate together on the sacred scriptures to bury it once again."
Uh.
I pointed to Marco and Kublai, "They asked for my help so I helped them?"
"And yet, you didn't inform me you were leaving." Sanzou continued to tap her staff on my legs.
"Somehow I got dragged along while they were going to the mausoleum, and on the way we meet Nudist Queen over there, who wanted Tripitaka to check and bless the first Dharma Pillar made."
"What is wrong with my clothes…?" Ashoka mused under her breath, looking like she just heard someone speaking Martian.
"Somehow, again, we all ended up going through the mausoleum." Satan rolled his eyes. "I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say ancient Chinese traps are no fucking joke. And the sword wasn't even there!"
"Yep! Turned out Shi has it brought to her before we entered the mausoleum. She wanted to try a new method to improve her health, and she needed a prized sword." Lu took out a sword with seven azure gems on its surface. "But it didn't work, so after scolding me she let me keep this Seven Star Sword! What do you think? It looks powerful, right?"
"Well, seems kinda… I don't know how to put it in words." I paused, "Also do you even use swords?"
"Sure I do!" She lazily swung it behind her.
The instant the edge touched the ground a large fissure opened in the earth, fifty yards deep and twice as long.
"See?! It even does all the work itself! Isn't this sword amazing?"
Holy shit...
"More like fucking terrifying." I backed up a bit, "What if you accidentally dropped it?"
"Put it into the scabbard woman!" Satan yelled at her, to which Lu immediately comply. "Luckily the sword's makers were crazy, not stupid: it's safe to handle as long as it remains inside the scabbard. Where was I…? Oh yes: next thing I know, like a running gag everyone got dragged to India, where we experienced things like age jokes, disproportionate retribution-" Ashoka looked embarrassed at that. "Mass brainwashing, food tours and, for the cherry on top, ending in a secret warehouse built by some long dead dude to store this beauty." The red snake's tail patted the jet. "A honest-to-the-Old-Man Vimana!"
"Vinmanwha?"
Sound's V-y.
"Like I said, ancient Indian hypersonic jet. Solar-powered, and capable of self-repair." Satan sighed. "Too bad it has no weapon system: there is nothing like the ability to fire nuclear missiles at machine-gun's rate just by pressing a button to feel badass."
For about five seconds the picture of this tiny snake wearing sunglasses and flying the plane around like an action movie hero from the 90s popped into my head and I tried not to laugh my ass off.
"S-So what are you going to do now?" I began, biting my inner cheek in an effort not to laugh, "Start an airline service?"
"Nah, too much work. Not to brag, but I'm actually quite lazy, you know?" The snake declares without a hint of shame. "If you need a lift somewhere I'm willing to help, but don't ask me to do it constantly."
"Exactly what I'd expect from an airline run by Satan." I nodded, "I can already picture the name now."
"Hit me."
I stared him dead in the eye. "Delta Airlines."
"Ahahaha!" Lucy, the only one to get the joke, laughed heartily. "Good one boy! So, do you have a new destination in mind? It's going to take some squeezing, but I think we can fit you and the two cuckoolanders."
Marco, who was busy staring in worship at Kublai, blinked. "...Is he talking about us?"
"Seventy-thirty chance." I replied without looking her way.
"Enough chit-chatter!" Sanzou's staff-tapping increased subtly. "Let us return to India. And with us, I mean Hakkai, Gojyo and myself. There is a temple we must visit."
"Ah, I would like to show you the finished Dharma Pillar." Ashoka added.
"My name is Lu Bu, not Gojyo. And come on, all of that can wait. With this thing finding the medicine of eternal youth for Shi will be easy!"
"Ooookay." I placed a hand on my head before reaching into my pouch and pulling out a journal. With a sigh I scribbled stuff down before looking up, "Is there anyone else who wants to book an adventure?"
A general silence was the answer, but minus Satan everyone was staring expectedly at me. "Look we have, like, thirty heroes and two thirds of them want me to do stuff with them." I shrugged, "At this point I'm starting to lose track of you people."
"The perils of popularity boy. Let me give you a piece of advice." Lucy came closer and whispered something in my ear. "Some of them just want to share some good time with you. The others? They need to learn they can rely on others, not just you."
"Why is this all so complicated…" I groaned before snapping the book shut and standing up. "I might as well make my own side quest!"
"Such as?" He asked, now sounding interested.
"Uh…." I spun my fingers around before snapping them. "There's like, a lot of options. Finding the other two treasures of Zipang, tracking down and taming the sand whales of Australia, walking in a random direction and hoping something interesting happens… Lots of things."
"In that case, if you accept suggestions I have one: I believe two old pals of mine are still around." Lucy said. "They should be in the West, around Macedonia. I'm not 100% sure, of course, but I have a good feeling."
"...You know what? Fuck it, alright." My foot tapped on the ground, "Fire up the jet please! We have a campaign to plan!"
====
"But really. I appreciate the help boy, but there is no need to go that far." Satan waved his tail. Him, me and all other heroes were gathered in a large hall. "I can search for my old pals alone as long as I can use the Vimana."
"I mean, it was on the list." I shrugged, "It was either this, Russia, or the good old US of A- is that still a thing?"
"USA? If I remember right an old friend of mine, Columbus, planned to found a nation with that name in the new continent." Cook said. "But I don't know how she's currently faring. All of her economic projects have a tendency to end badly."
"That's true! Remember when she tried to open a casino?" Mazero laughed. "She kept playing and winning, so by the end no one wanted to go there anymore!"
"Wait, Columbus is trying to found the USA? Columbus?" I clutched my sides as I barreled over laughing, "Hahaha! Yeah, so, like, I guess the country I was born in doesn't exist, but Columbus trying to make it overshadows that fact with sheer hilarity."
Cook looked at Yoshi. "More of that 'future-not-future' stuff?"
"You'll get used to it. If he gets annoying threaten him with paperwork." The replied in a completely serious tone.
"If it's Macedonia you're interesting into, Onii-san, then I can tell you a lot about it!" Himiko boasted.
"Himiko studied hard." BenBen added.
"And we, who live near it, can tell you a bit about Russia." Sun finished.
"Alright, first off, I have never heard of Macedonia in my life unless it's another country with a name change so there's that." I held up a second finger, "Two, the only thing I do know about Russia is that you should never invade it in the winter and it tried communism until that stopped working."
I clapped, "Which basically means I know jack all about any of our three options. Of course, I want to hear about Macedonia first, considering we're going there."
My eyes glanced towards Himiko, "I'm just going to trust you haven't flunked a test on Macedonia yet."
"Absolutely! Because this is my first!" She declared with confidence. "Alright. Macedonia is a nation that prospers from its trades through the Silk Road, and it ranks just under the EU as a national power. In case you're wondering, the Silk Road is the most important route that connects Asia and Europe: it starts from Delhi and goes through Gandhara, Persepolis and Baghdad before ending in the port city of Damascus. Macedonia is ruled by a hero named Alexander. I've heard she's quite a daring and resolute character. In her council is the famous Aristotle, who acts as her aide and as a teacher to the soldiery. Alexander is a strong enough w-"
"GREEKS!" I interrupted, throwing my hands up. "OH GOD IT'S THE FUCKING GREEKS!"
"....Greece is a perfectly fine and normal country." Cook cautiously said, receiving a nod from Mazero and Marco.
"Wait is Macedonia Greece?" I held a hand to my head, "I mean thank god it wasn't Rome, though given Italy already is a thing I'm pretty sure they existed somewhere."
"No. Macedonia sits next to Greece, and the latter is now part of the EU." Cook explained.
"A-Anyway. As I was saying-" Himiko swiftly hid something in her sleeve. "Alexander is known as the 'Champion of Conquest', so it's probably best to be cautious."
"If it helps, in the past I heard rumors that Macedonia is currently at war with Babylon." Ashoka added. "Babylon is a small but very old country, and its walls are famed for never being breached. They fight only defensively, so until now all of Macedonia's attempts have failed."
"I regret asking. I regret asking so hard." I rubbed my hands against my face as I tried to reconcile the knowledge of what the fuck. "Alright, just so my sinking suspicion is cleared up, Nero wouldn't happen to be in charge of Greece right?"
"Mmh… no, I think not." Cook replied after thinking for a while. "Last I heard Leonardo set her residence there because she 'found something interesting'. That's all I know, sorry."
"Greece, Leonardo… Actually that kind of makes sense when I think about it." I shook my head, "Okay, okay, I think I've gotten everything mostly straight. Well no I don't but at this point I'm willing to believe Atlantis is a major power if you told me that so I guess I'm just rolling with the punches."
"There is no country named Atlantis." Nobu told me.
"I can attest to it." Lucy confirmed. "Those guys shot themselves in the ass when they tried to develop nuclear energy: they forgot about safety measures."
"...They fucking what."
"Nuclear energy boy. The Atlanteans were very big on knowledge and understanding, and their Gods supported it. So they closed themselves in self-sufficient isolation and dedicated all their efforts into acquiring more knowledge and developing advanced technology. Until the inevitable happened and they poked something dangerous without stopping to ask themselves 'Wait, what the fuck I am doing?'." The snake shook his head. "I was in Spain at the time, eating spicy albondigas: the flash of the explosions fried my skin and melted my eyeballs. Bad stuff boy, really bad stuff."
"You know what? I'm just not going to question that." I sighed, "So I guess we either confirm we're running head first to Macedonia or try another country? I dunno, any suggestions?"
"Alexander is known as the 'Champion of Conquest', right? Then, let's turn the table on her!" Nobu punched her palm. "We move out after sending the declaration of war and conquer a city before they have time to properly mobilize!"
"Er, sounds like a plan I guess." I shrugged, "We'll be head to the direction Vienna- Viama- Vimama! Vimana!"
"The last one. I suppose such an item would make scouting easier, to say nothing of the advantage of being able to observe the terrain from above." Sun remarked, causing Tama to drool with a happy grin. "Do you still want to hear about Russia and the new continent, or we can proceed?"
"We can get to those later." I waved, "Let's just focus on the now."
"In that case, start writing the declaration of war. I'll prepare the troops for rapid deployment. Our target: Persepolis."
====
You know what the middle east has a lot of?
Sand.
Sand and deserts and mountains oh my.
Like the same could be said of India but there were some good spots. Now I just miss plants. And trees.
Especially trees.
I grew up in Hawaii yo. Sure there was some places that was literally just dirt and rocks but most of my memories are in the places where there were lots and lots of trees. Like the places around my house, or the mountains.
I miss trees.
"Aaaaahh, this brings back memories. So many memories." Satan commented. For once he was actually slithering on the ground, head moving back and forth… except, I couldn't see where his tail ended. "It's here that everything important started, you know? Adam and Eve, Abel and Cain, Noah, Solomon… And to think, at the start it was just me and the Old Man: a small god without a portfolio and me, his first creation. We went far since then."
"Uh-" I looked at the ground, "Suddenly things feel a lot different."
"Don't let it bother you too much. It's old history now: still important of course, but old nonetheless." The red snake reassured me. "Just focus on the immediate future for now. Planning for the long-term is a privilege for old people. Except if they're ancient: in that case, they can dump everything on the younger generation and finally relax."
"...Okay then."
"Persepolis should be visible after crossing that hill." Ashoka informed everyone. Together with her and a few others I went ahead of the army to get a look. Lots and lots of stone buildings… Oh yeah that's a greekification overload if I ever saw one.
"So how are we going to do this?" I glanced at the city again, "Charge right in as usual?"
"Let's see…" Sun inspected the fortifications that could be seen from there. "Walls aren't specially high… not very thick, but arranged into layers… uhm, uhm. A frontal assault of the walls isn't especially advisable. I suggest asking the city to surrender first, and if they refuse attack one of the gates. This should minimize the risks and the defenders' home advantage."
"So we either need a messenger or we throw the message at them…" I sighed, "Who's gonna do it?"
"Uhm…" Sun looked at me and the rest of those who joined the expedition. "How about Sanzou?"
"Are you kidding?" I stared at the women in shock, "That's basically sending a bomb to their doorstep!"
"I know. That's why her use in my list of tactics is under the name 'Willpower-Sapping Bomb'." The strategist explained. "All's fair in war and love. This will be on the test."
"Okay, so, all in favor of sending Sanzou to get them to surrender say aye." I shivered, "Know that if you do so you will be sending them our deadliest weapon."
"T-This counts as minimizing casualties, right? Right?" Himiko asked with a trembling voice.
"If you only consider their physical lives, then I suppose it does…" Yoshi sighed. "May as well try: Aye."
Soon everyone followed the samurai's example. And that's how we chose Sanzou to be a diplomat.
====
Barely half a hour passed since Sanzou left that the city's main gate slammed open and an army poured out, shouting enthusiastically at the top of their lungs.
"Okay now here's the question," I held up a finger. "Are they mad or are they mad?"
"Not as planned! Not as planned!" Sun's eyes were spinning so much they resembled whirligigs. "Defensive formation! Take defensive formation!"
Before long the Macedonian Army was upon us, the majority composed of footmen armed with swords, spears and shields. That was when it became clear they were not mad or mad.
They were… hot-blooded.
I should've seen this coming.
"Ah...! The Zipang Army has come! Waah…" At one point I found myself before a couple of enemy soldiers. "So this is what it feels like to be attacked! How strange!"
"I've attacked before, but to have to actually be on the defensive for the first time is getting me excited!" The second soldier commented. "And what's more, Zipang is pretty strong, right?"
"That's what the rumors say, but I wonder." The first soldier looked at me. "Hey you! You're with Zipang, right? How strong are you guys?"
"Imagine the limits of the human body." I began, "Then go beyond those. That's what our commanders are like."
"Really?! Wooh! Then this will be a tussle to remember! It's unfortunate that Lady Alexander is not here. Do you think we can stop them by ourselves?"
"Let's do our best! We'll fight in place of our beloved Lady Alexander and Master Aristotle and repel the Zipang Army! The first to fall is a chicken!"
"OH YEAH!!!" Was the general cry that followed.
Well, I had to respect their dedication at the very least.
I drew a low breath before bending down and unsheathing Kusanagi. Slowly I gathered the little Brave I had already had before jumping right into the group with an explosive leap. Power coursing through my legs as I kicked one in the face. The air wiped against my skin as my body did a flip in the air and landed on the ground.
With a "Dah!" the Macedonian soldier tumbled to the floor as I did a finger gun in his direction. "Bawk bawk?"
"One of us already fell?! That must means… you're a commander!" One soldier pointed at me! "Onward my brothers!"
"ONWARD!"
One thing quickly became apparent about the Macedonian soldiers.
They were almost impossible to demoralize.
====
The battle lasted for a long time, leaving me completely exhausted, but at the end we achieved victory. And a well-deserved one at that, because the Macedonians fought to the point of unconsciousness. Every last one of them.
The women and children too.
"Okay!" I huffed as I tossed another soldier off me, "I must've missed a memo or something because I wasn't aware we were invading Sparta."
"Chen? Are you alright?" Lancelot asked as she helped me pull off the last soldiers. "I bet you're hungry. I'm hungry too! Do you know there is this ice cream called dondurma? It stretches!" She made groping motions with her hands. "Boing… boing…"
"Why would ice cream stretch?" I gestured with my hands. "It's ice cream. It's a cream. Why would you make a cream that stretches? I mean, you could have it in something that does stretch a bit like mochi ice cream but… it's a cream."
"The meat spins around and around as it cooks~" She was already thinking of something else while drooling.
"Okay then." I sighed, "Where is everybody anyways? I kinda lost them."
"My King. Our most noble and righteous allies have gone searching for a physician to treat their wounds." Joan informed me from behind.
"Woah!" I jumped, "Did you get a vocabulary upgrade in the last ten minutes since I saw you?!"
That line was kinda, unJoan ya know?
"Nay. I merely repeated what God told me, may His glory be eternal." She announced proudly, followed by a fax-like sound coming from her head. "Hmmm… I see, I see. God has decreed! In His boundless compassion and humility, Our Lord doesn't consider his revelations anything special! How majestic!"
"...Okay." I sighed, "Here's hoping they don't pull a Taika and Alexander pops up out of nowhere."
"Hakkai!" Sanzou finally made her reappearance, coming running from the city's direction. "You are not going to believe it! Those Macedonians are incredibly rude. I was going to give them a speech, but the moment they heard I came to speak for Zipang they started shouting and running around, completely ignoring me!"
"Honestly that's a miracle in and of itself." I nodded, "Where did you even go during the ruckus?"
"That? There was a restaurant with a huge discount on the menu, so I stopped to sample a few dishes." She explained without shame whatsoever. "They have this thing called moussaka, which-"
With a 'woosh' of displaced air Lancelot was gone from our sight.
"-is made with eggplant and minced meat. You can eat it both hot and cold, which is a great advantage. Of course moderation is a virtue that cannot be discarded. Thus it's appropriate that-"
I quietly pulled out a tag from my pocket and stuck the Nyakui Invention Number 2 onto my skin. The world became blissfully silent as Sanzou began her rant.
Now then, what to do next…
====
Barely three days passed since our conquest of Persepolis that a new army showed up on the city's doorstep, this one bigger and more disciplined than the last.
Together with a message asking if we could give them a couple of hours to catch their breaths, since they came running all the way from Baghdad.
I looked at Tama, "Where's Baghdad?"
"Let me check…" She looked through her maps. "It's almost the same distance we crossed while coming here! And they did the same in only a few days?! There is speed, and there's this!"
"You know what?" I sighed, "For any insane physical feat they do, just write it off. It's easier on your sanity."
"So what do we do?" Himiko asked. "We let them catch their breath?"
"On the one hand, they're weakened. On the other hand, if we don't they might get mad." I shivered, "And do you really want to deal with these guys when they're mad?"
"...My divination is telling me I don't want the answer to that." She answered with a serious face.
====
So as agreed we waited a couple of hours.
"Wahahahaha!"
And then, as we took the field outside the city, someone came running our way at full speed.
She wore- She wore something. The cloth followed no discernible pattern, like it was stitched together from what was lying around. In her left hand was a spear and in her right was a gauntlet. The women's hair was both pink and blue with minotaur horns to boot. And to top it all off? She didn't even wear pants!
"Oh my god." My jaw dropped, "It's like Benkei grew up and took fashion tips from Nobu! She's a complete wreck! Looking at her hurts my eyes!"
"You! You guys are strong!" The walking menace to sanity shouted at the top of her lungs. "I am Alexander, ruler of Macedonia! I was dying for a real challenge, I had to come here as fast as I could! Consider that a compliment! Wahahahaha!"
"S-So imposing and flashy…" Himiko trembled. "And also weird…"
"Was she attacked by a thrift shop or something?" I muttered in awe.
"Now, let's have some fun!" She twirled her spear and pointed it at me. "No one is going home today until they're all sweaty and their hips hurt like hell!"
====
Notes:
Chen: Oh my god she looks terrible.
Alex: In a game full of strange designs, she's running for first place.
Chen: That's not a strange design, that's the goddamn Frankenstein of designs. Are those cloths from places she's conquered? Is that what it is?
Alex: That's not a bad theory. Of course, the real question is another: are those horns... real?
Chen: Honestly Sei and Benben have their hair like fox and cat ears. Who knows man.
Last edited:
Winged One
Not the Simurgh
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2013
- Messages
- 16,387
Frankfawn43
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2015
- Messages
- 455
God this made me smile so much. Also Satan is amazing as usual.
Selias
Well worn.
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2013
- Messages
- 7,196
Jesus Christ, he's not kidding.
The fuck is this shit?
Winged One
Not the Simurgh
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2013
- Messages
- 16,387
It's like a deck of cards became a pimp.
NekoNekoBoy
Leader of the Idiot Brigade
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2015
- Messages
- 1,121
Greekification overload.
Winged One
Not the Simurgh
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2013
- Messages
- 16,387
Greekification? This is clearly one of the pimps that the Mad Hatter muscled out of Wonderland.
Kakanma
Know what you're doing yet?
- Joined
- Dec 24, 2014
- Messages
- 155
Oh boy here we go.
The Backlog (Part two: Son of Backlog)
Chapter 27: Welcome to the Brigade! Yoshitsune's secret!
Chapter 28: The path to India! The melancholy of Sanzou Houshi!
Chapter 29: Abe no Seimei's warning! Chen's war crime?
Chapter 30: First battle for India! A monument to Ego!
Chapter 31: Clash with Ashoka! Justice for the Maharaja!
Chapter 32: Lancelot's food tour, first stop! Quest for Qin Shi Huang's medicine!
Chapter 33: Onward to Mongolia! Preparation and Assassination!?
Chapter 34: The charming Kublai Khan! Hot springs and set ups!
Chapter 35: Inou Tadataka versus Marco Polo! The struggle between warriors!
Chapter 36: Summit in Chang'an! Balin's Assault!
Chapter 37: Where to next? Side quests galore!
Chapter 38: South is the way! Lancelot's tour is crashed by Cook?
Chapter 39: A medium down under! Cook's reunion with Magellan the human cannon!
Chapter 40: The grind of conquest! Illuminati confirmed!
Chapter 41: Napoleon's disappointment! Hawaii calls for aid!
Chapter 42: Polar opposites Kidd and Kamehameha! The Devil likes me, Yay?
Chapter 43: Australia launches a sneak attack! Goemon, Joan of Arc, and stranger things ahead!
Chapter 44: Australia's climax! Vlad and Galileo's grand performance!
Chapter 45: Catching up with current events! Arthur's sneaky return!
Chapter 46: Swordsmiths and swords-woman! Treasure hunting with Kublai and Marco!
Chapter 47: A truly Bizarre adventure! Wahaha! Alexander of Macedonia enters the fray!
The Backlog (Part two: Son of Backlog)
Chapter 27: Welcome to the Brigade! Yoshitsune's secret!
Chapter 28: The path to India! The melancholy of Sanzou Houshi!
Chapter 29: Abe no Seimei's warning! Chen's war crime?
Chapter 30: First battle for India! A monument to Ego!
Chapter 31: Clash with Ashoka! Justice for the Maharaja!
Chapter 32: Lancelot's food tour, first stop! Quest for Qin Shi Huang's medicine!
Chapter 33: Onward to Mongolia! Preparation and Assassination!?
Chapter 34: The charming Kublai Khan! Hot springs and set ups!
Chapter 35: Inou Tadataka versus Marco Polo! The struggle between warriors!
Chapter 36: Summit in Chang'an! Balin's Assault!
Chapter 37: Where to next? Side quests galore!
Chapter 38: South is the way! Lancelot's tour is crashed by Cook?
Chapter 39: A medium down under! Cook's reunion with Magellan the human cannon!
Chapter 40: The grind of conquest! Illuminati confirmed!
Chapter 41: Napoleon's disappointment! Hawaii calls for aid!
Chapter 42: Polar opposites Kidd and Kamehameha! The Devil likes me, Yay?
Chapter 43: Australia launches a sneak attack! Goemon, Joan of Arc, and stranger things ahead!
Chapter 44: Australia's climax! Vlad and Galileo's grand performance!
Chapter 45: Catching up with current events! Arthur's sneaky return!
Chapter 46: Swordsmiths and swords-woman! Treasure hunting with Kublai and Marco!
Chapter 47: A truly Bizarre adventure! Wahaha! Alexander of Macedonia enters the fray!
Chapter 48: Everything You Know Is Wrong
Alexander
That is not dead which can eternal lie
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2013
- Messages
- 12,415
Chapter 48: Everything You Know Is Wrong
====
Last time on Cat-Ball Z!
The Nyaa Fighters encountered Her Lordship, the dreaded Alexander the Terrible! Though she may look nothing like a certain other Alexander, can our intrepid heroes get out of the country with their eyeballs intact?!
"Come on! Come on! Let's cross swords!" Alexander goaded us again with an eager tone. Only to suddenly stop as a puzzled expression blossomed on her features. "Wait: I use a spear, not a sword! Oh well, let's cross weapons then! The bigger the better! How big are your weapons? Wanna compare them before we get all dirty?"
Woah! She was spouting off innuendos that were so blatant even I got them!
"Uh..." I looked around. "I think Benkei has like, 900~ weapons but I don't know how much she keeps on her at all times. One, two... lotta pointy things."
"Benkei collected 999 weapons so far!" Said girl exclaimed with pride. "When she gets the 1000th weapon Benkei is gonna make a wish!"
"Atta girl! Good luck with that! Wahahahaha! Alright, enough foreplay! Here I come, here I come!" She pointed her spear at me before dashing forward at incredible speed. "Brace yourself, because I'm gonna stab you!!!"
"WILD BULL!!!" I shouted, jumping to the side to avoid the- Holy shit biscuits that's a fast girl!
"NO INHIBITIONS! NO RESTRAINS!" The Macedonian troops shouted at the top of their lungs before surging forward in a great tide. Each and every one of them had a maniac grin on their lips, and their eyes shone with a ferocious light.
It was very, very, very uncomfortable.
After missing me Alexander leaped, spear poised downward for a descending thrust. I quickly picked up a low stance and unsheathed my blade. "Hey, I think I found out the secret behind your country's strength!"
"Really?! Wow, you're sharp!"
"Yeah!" I pointed at her horns. "Your country is a country of bullfuckers!"
I could almost hear the sound of a record scratching as the troops around me gave me a look. Both sides were giving me a look.
Except for Alexander, who blinked before changing the angle of her attack and stabbing the head of her spear into the ground. Using the weapon as a pole she flipped over it and landed on her feet before pulling it out. Resting the spear on her shoulders she gained a look of intense concentration, her free hand stroking her chin. "I know what a bull is, but what does 'fucker' mean? Is that a Zipang word?"
The Macedonian troops were frantically shaking their hands and heads in my direction.
"Uh, Germanian, actually, I think. Honestly I don't even speak Zipang." I paused, "Uh, are you in anyway related to a bull?"
"Oh, you mean because of those?" She tapped one of her horns. "Nah man, everyone in my family has them. Apparently my great-great-something-grandfather was a bull, or maybe related to bulls? Grandmother's tales changed every day, so who knows what the truth is! Wahahahaha!"
"This story wouldn't happen to involve a maze and a glowing piece of thread right?" I asked, internally nodding at how I was proven right.
"Yes! How do you know? Don't tell me..." She gasped. "Cousin?!"
"Nope I just know everything." I immediately denied, "Except my own family history- Ohhhhhh shit."
"You can stop worrying! Even if you don't have horns family is sacred!" She winked. "After we're done here let's go share a drink! The bill is on me! Aaaah, I can't wait to tell Teacher!"
"Oh god oh god oh god..." I mumbled. Curse my childhood for reading Greek myths and not knowing about anything of my mom's side of the family! You hear me?! DAMN YOU! "Welp, you know what, fuck it. Time to do that."
My panic turned into Brave as it began to swell in my body, building pressure in my legs. "I may have been born and raised in Hawaii and have only been to the airport of Texas but I'm still a bit American so cultural appropriation is fair game! LET'S GO!"
In an instant the energy beneath my feet exploded and I shot into the air, flying almost as if I had been shot out of the friendship canon.
"YEEHAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"
With a flick of my hands I grabbed the tall, multi colored woman by the horns and swung myself around, wrapping my legs beneath her chest and holding her horns in my grip. "IT'S TIME FOR THE RODEO!!!!!!!!"
Alexander responded by bending her knees, leaning back and slamming me on the ground. It wasn't very strong due to the awkward position, but it happened so fast it stole my breath away. "Oops, sorry cousin! When I was little the other boys used to do it all the time so I reacted by instinct!" She raised a thumb-up. "Don't you know you need permission first to ride a girl? You'll come out as a jerk if you don't."
"Blrgl." I let out as I tried to catch my breath, "In hindsight... That was... a bad idea... Bleh, all my Brave is gone now as well."
"Really? You need to work on your stamina, otherwise you'll get tired before reaching the climax and leave other people unsatisfied." Using only one hand she pushed herself back to her feet. "Wanna continue this tomorrow? I don't really mind."
"Nope nope I..." I raised my hand, "Wait, you won't just go to some other part of your kingdom after this right?"
"Uhm, not really." She pouted a little. "I mean there's still the war against Babylon but all they do is defending, it's starting to get a little repetitive... Ah, that's right! I came here so fast that I didn't have the time to give this back to Teacher."
Out of her voluminous cloak she pulled out a book.
The title read: '30 Ways to Get Married Before You're 30'.
"I'm just gonna assume the person who wrote that is 30 years old and has not gotten married." I quipped, "Anyways yeah, thought so. It's just kind of the formula that happens whenever I invade another country."
"Oh! Oh! War stories?! Do tell!" She was visibly excited. I was still hanging by her horns, by the way, but she didn't seem bothered by it anymore.
"Eh, I mean, when you first invade a country the first battle like, always introduces one of their heroes. Then we like, fight for a bit before either they fuck off to some other place or we capture them or in the rare case, convince them to join our side." I made a face. "I mean, even fucking Australia did that and those guys wouldn't know what the word government meant if I wrote it on a wooden bat and smacked them in the face with it."
"That sounds exciting! You get to fight strong people all the time: I'm so jealous!"
"I mean..." Flashbacks to Yamato, Kublai, Ashoka, Lu Bu, and other heroes kicking my face into the dirt flashed through my mind. "I guess? Anyways yeah, this is usually the part where you either get captured or go somewhere else and then we have to spend the rest of the campaign just running around doing who the fuck knows what until we get to the capital or something."
I glanced at the soldiers around us who were in the middle of either fighting, staring at us, or just... Were those fuckers doing an arm wrestling contest with the enemy?
Ugh, Mongolians.
"Am I right or what?!" I shouted.
"YEAH!!!" Our troops replied with various degrees of enthusiasm.
Guys I'm pretty sure you weren't supposed to agree with that.
"Geez! Now I am really, really jealous!" Alexander laughed. "You know what? I know of a way to make this fun for everyone: today I retreat, but if you march to Baghdad I'll arrange for Teacher's two other students to face you there. If you win Teacher and I will fight you a Damascus, and if you win again Macedonia is yours. In exchange-" Excitement literally began to radiate off her in waves. "Let me fight all the strong people in your army!"
"Like, now? Or like, there?" I blinked. "Also Aristotle has more students?! I thought you were the only one!"
"Now would be nice! But I understand if they're not all here: unlike what they say I can wait, most of the time I just choose not too! Wahahaha!!!" She laughed. "Yeah, they're my cute junior students: Archimedes and Diogenes. They're a bit weird and have a serious problem with money, but they're both strong!"
"Wait, Diogenes the cynic? Lives like shit? Ran into a room with a featherless chicken screaming 'Behold! A man!'? That Diogenes?"
"Well she lives in a barrel and has a cute little dog named Cynic, but I've never heard of her doing that with a chicken." She hummed. "I mean, that doesn't even make sense: a featherless chicken is a featherless chicken, not a man."
"Okay so like, the story I heard was that Plato defined a human as a 'Bipedal creature covered in skin' or something and Diogenes, either out of spite or amusement, grabbed a featherless chicken and declared it to be a man because it was bipedal and when you removed the feathers it was covered in skin." I paused, "You know who Plato is right?"
"Plato, Plato... Oh, that's right: Teacher said he was one of her teachers! Teacher's teacher, that's funny! Wahahaha!!" She laughed again while slapping a palm on her waist. "I see, I see! So if anything with two legs and skin is a man, then a chicken without feathers is also a man! Now that's a good joke! I didn't know Diogenes was such a comic!"
"Diogenes' entire reputation is making fun of pretentious philosophers, things like that happen." I shrugged, "So, anyways, meet you at Baghad... ed? Baghadededed?"
"Baghdad. And yeah, you have a deal!" Almost casually she grabbed and pulled me off before putting me down next to her. Then she put two fingers into her mouth and produced a whistle so strong it was heard all over the battlefield.
Gah! My ears!
All the Macedonian soldiers stopped what they were doing to look in the direction of Alexander. "That's enough for today guys, we're going back to Baghdad! But don't worry!" She slapped a hand on my shoulder. "This here is my cousin! He's gonna show us a good time in the future! Wahahaha!!"
...WAIT FUCK I DIDN'T CORRECT HER!
"OOOOHH!! HAIL LADY ALEXANDER'S COUSIN!!!" They cheered.
The Zipang soldiers looked at me before recognizing the look on my face and letting out an "Ah~" of understanding.
"See you next time cousin! Work on your stamina, I want us to eventually go all the way! Wahahaha!!!" With those parting words Alexander skipped away with a pleased gait, her soldiers soon following after her while carrying those that couldn't walk.
Leaving me alone with my own allies. "O-Onii-san?" Himiko's eyes were wide. "What... What just happened?"
I took a deeeeeep breath before turning to Himiko, "How's it feel to be part Mycenaean now Himiko~!"
"That's not an answer!"
=====
"So, let me get this straight." Yoshi was massaging the space between her eyebrows. "Somehow you persuaded the ruler of Macedonia, Alexander the Champion of Conquest herself, that you're her cousin. Then, again somehow, you two made a deal: if we defeat the armies of Baghdad and Damascus then she'll hand over Macedonia to you. In exchange Alexander get to fight all the Heroes working for Zipang, which I assume include whenever and however she likes." She gave me a look. "Is that right?"
"No, no, she only said the strongest heroes. So like, Tama doesn't have to fight-"
"YES!" The petite women shouted before pausing at the awkward silence. "I-I mean, my lord..."
"Anyways!" I shouted, trying to get back on track. "You make it sound like that was something that took conscious effort on my part. Which I will gladly take credit for as part of my massive plan that totally exists yep."
It ended up being much better than my other plan...
Yoshi stared at me in silence for a few seconds, one hand still massaging the space between her eyebrows and the other resting on the table, before pressing her palms together and looking up at the ceiling. "Gods of Zipang, I don't know which action I took in this or a past life that offended you so much, but don't you think I've been punished enough?"
"Onii-san, you've really troubled Yoshitsune this time..."
"What? Hey! I think it's a good deal!" I raised my hands defensively. "And if you want Heaven's Mandate then just ask Jeanne or something! I may not like the nickname but I am called the Servant of Heaven remember?"
A thought occurred to me before I looked at the ground, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, "Actually, now that I think about that nobody has called me by that title in a long time..."
"That's because you are nothing like one." Nobu commented.
"My lord, if such it's your desire I'll refer to you as 'Your Highness the Servant of Heaven' from now on!" Tama enthusiastically declared.
I have made mistakes.
"No need to be so down. For you see, this is actually quite convenient for us." Sun tapped her stick on the table to gather attention. "Based on the number of Macedonian soldiers we faced so far, coupled with the information I collected here in Persepolis, I can safely say that Macedonia's military and economic might are high enough that it would be quite troubling if they are used against us in an efficient manner. That's only to be expected from a country which not only managed to remain independent of the EU, but is ruled by both an extraordinary warrior and one of the most intelligent people currently alive."
"And this clusterfuck of misunderstandings is convenient for us, why?" Nobu demanded.
"I'll explain. This will not be on the test, but pay attention anyway." Sun waved her stick up and down a few times. "With Alexander believing that Chen is her cousin, and since she reminds me of Lu I don't see that misunderstanding being fixed any time soon, and her challenge, we have an unique opportunity to conquer Macedonia with minimal bloodshed required. Look at this map."
Taking out a scroll she opened and spread it over the table, revealing a map of Western Asia. With her stick she pointed to two cities, Gordion and Alexandria, which both had Macedonia's banner above them. "Gordion stands on the border with EU territory, and it's fortified enough Napoleon is wary of invading it. This was confirmed to me by Cook. That would leave attacking by sea, but Alexandria is also a port city and its navy, both military and economic, has enough influence and power to rule half of the Mediterranean Sea. Winning Alexander's challenge will allow us to leave the forces of both cities intact, thus creating a buffer between us and the EU. Because, and I hope this doesn't need to be said, we currently don't have the strength to fight against them and win."
"Don't forget I'm pretty sure that the EU's navy is kind of butchered by the campaign in the thailandish area- Uh, it was called, um." I shook my head. "That place. Anyways with Cook and Mazero both subsequently fired their navy should still be reeling. It was an absolute disaster for them. Unless there's some other Navy captain I don't know about?"
"As luck would have it, Cook and Magellan were the only EU Heroes with a large experience in naval operations. Of course both Napoleon and Hannibal are strong and talented military leaders, but their expertise is mostly centered around land campaigns." The Chinese strategist revealed. "The EU losing the South Seas to us was indeed a great stroke of luck! But don't think we can afford to be careless just yet! Zipang may currently be the nation with the largest amount of territories, but we're still catching up to countries which has survived and prospered through decades of war!"
"Wait we have the most territories?" I blinked, holding up a hand and counting my fingers, "Zipang, Taika, Mongolia, Australia, Hawaii, an entire ocean, a fucking continent... Jesus Christ we do."
I glanced around the room filled with heroes. "This just sunk in. How the hell did I end up here?"
"It's what I want to know too." Nobu said before slapping a hand over her face and dragging it down.
"I suppose it proves Chen is truly the Servant of Heaven, because they are clearly blessing him. The alternative is a massive cosmic joke, but that way lies madness." Sun nodded sagely. "Well, we have covered everything for now. It would be best to give everyone a few days to relax before going back to marching. Who agrees with me?"
Everyone raised their hands.
"Right, free time~!" I exclaimed, stretching my arms. "Who wants to get into a competition based on who can do the most shenanigans-"
""NO!!!""
Wow. Rude.
====
"You." Hearing someone calling out from behind me I turned around. There, standing in the shadows so that only her glowing eyes were visible, was Vlad. "Feed me." She commanded.
"Hi welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?" I shot back immediately.
"Chen Miyafuji or McDonalds, it does not matter the name." She slowly advanced towards me, arms still hugging the creepy plushie. "I bestow upon you the honor of feeding me."
"We will eliminate any threats that approach our King!" Joan suddenly showed up, a cross in her hand.
"Argh!" Vlad jumped back with a hiss. "Do not bring that cross near! A look alone is enough to cause me pain!"
"So crucifixes work on vampires, after all..." The blonde sounded proud of herself. "I had prepared garlic and holy water to deal with you as well."
"Curse you..."
"Wait doesn't it just offend your sense of astet- Oh right you're a drama queen." I nodded with as much pride as Jeanne.
"Now then. That's an interesting threesome I stumbled upon." Hearing yet another voice I discovered Galileo was watching us with an amused grin, using her cannon like a leaning stick. "Should I return later, or can I stay until body fluids are spilled?"
"Okay there's gonna be no stabbing-" I suddenly recalled something, "Ew. You meant the other way body fluids are spilled didn't you?!"
She laughed like a character from Disgaea. That is, very arrogantly. "I see you're not so innocent as others believe! Midget queen, you may still get that sinner blood you crave so much!"
Tch. Joke ruined.
"Silence idiot whelp." Vlad scoffed. "I may usually feed only on sinners, but I after my forced servitude I was left weakened and now normal blood does not suffice anymore. The blood of a king, especially freely given, shall benefit me more."
"You will not get closer to him." Joan declared. There was a fax-like sound. "I see, I see. God hath spoken! He instructed me to repeat those exact words: 'Chen, just a few droplets would suffice for the bloodsucker. Not that I care or anything'."
"What a ridiculous god..."
"Wait, hold up." My hands made a pause motion. "This conversation was about sucking my blood? I thought Vlad was just like, hungry for food."
"Did you forget what this midget is?" Galileo pointed a thumb at Vlad. "Her kind feed on human blood. Though I assume the 'sinner' and 'king' part is just her being melodramatic. That, or she's a picky eater."
"Right yeah figured it would be that." I mentally put away my theory on kings and metaphysics. Though, if she wanted to be all dramatic like that… "How about I offer you the blood of the devil himself?"
"Oh? You proclaim to be able to provide the blood of the Prince of Darkness himself?"
"He means the talking snake." Galileo told Vlad.
"...Drinking animal blood? That's so, ugh, vegetarian." Vlad sneered.
"Vegetarian." I chuckled, shifting my gaze to the side. "I think you need a better dictionary. Or a thesaurus. Your grasp on words is a bit weak."
"HELP!" There was a shout before a panicking soldier stumbled into the room. "Lord Miyafuji, thank the Gods you're here! There's an emergency!"
"Woah sudden segway okay, uh..." I glanced around, "What's happening? Is the city on fire? Did Yoshitsune drink alcohol? Did you let Himiko talk?"
"A giant boar and a giant goat have been sighted approaching the city! The boar spews fire, and the goat produces mead from its udders!"
"This is, ah, um, what?" I blinked once. Twice. Again. "This sounds like some demonic shit. Either that or, well, you know, we are in Greece so... Fuck it, let's go see what this is all about."
====
"Hey boy! Guess what?" Satan called out, his head and part of his body coiled around the boar's tusks. Both it and the goat were as big as a two-story house. Physically that was the only thing that separated them from your usual animals, save for the whites of their eyes being replaced with pure blood red madness. Now physically however, they were dressed very distinctly. The boar donned in a pure gold armor that probably could fund a nation for an entire year while the goat was adorned with bells and ribbons as if dressed up for some kind of festival. "I found my old pals!"
"Of course this was you. The moment I mention your name you go and do this." I muttered, "Alright, let's take a bet. What mythology are these two from? Mmh, I want to say biblical but that goat is giving me some straight China vibes for some reason. Jeanne, opinion?"
"One moment my Lord." She had taken out a large book and was flipping through it. "I need to consult my Ars Goetia."
"You will not find them there girl." The red snake popped out from behind a large stone. Did he teleport or what?! Gotta get him to teach me how he does that. "I'll introduce them since they don't speak human language. The boar is Gullinbursti, created by the same guy that made a hammer for Thor. There's no finer or faster steed in all of creation."
The boar snorted, the fire immediately turning a few trees into ash.
"Yes, yes. He said he doesn't let just anyone ride him, that he has an excellent pedigree and thus high standards." Satan rolled his eyes. "The goat is Heidrún, also from Norse mythology. She used to eat the leaves of a magical tree, and as a result her teats started producing mead instead of milk. However it's very special mead: it doesn't damage the liver, heal wounds and cure fatigue."
The goat bleated, creating a gust of wind that had a very alcoholic smell.
"Ah, she asks to be milked a lot and regularly, because her teats ache otherwise."
"What in the goddamn..." I groaned and turned away, "Okay, sure. Do we even have some place big enough for them to stay?"
"No worries, I'll cook up something." Satan replied, once again (somehow) wrapped around the boar's tusk. "Follow me guys. It's finally time to revive the [Mythical Animals Smarter Than Their Creators Club]! Oh man, finally it's my time to be chairman!"
Bellowing and bleating loudly in response the two big furries, plus one tiny scaly, trotted towards the eastern side of the city, probably directed to one of the big hills in that direction.
"Well, those were two very big interruptions." Galileo snarked. "I wanted to talk with you boy, but I can wait until tomorrow if you need to get your head back in the game."
"No.. No... I think I just achieved enlightenment." In my time, science has revealed things that seemed impossible to actually be a reality. Who's to say that doesn't apply to mythology? If I was wrong about an assumption, isn't it the scientific duty to replace said knowledge with the factual answer? I shook my head, "Burr. Anyways, what do you want to talk about? I have approximate knowledge on most things."
"Where you come from, did you find proof that it's Earth that-"
"That it's the Earth that revolves around the sun? Yep. Also figured out the basic building blocks of reality, well as small as we can get, learned about how stars were born, reached the moon, learned about how stars die, annnnd also that we are just a small, insignificant speck in the universe and the world out beyond the skies is a black void that stretches on forever, colored with the light of stars, galaxies and nebulas." I paused, "Oh! And Pluto isn't considered a planet anymore. It's kind of a recent thing and is pretty controversial so don't ask me about that."
"I honestly don't care one whit about anything you said after your first sentence. Alright, tell me everything you know about it." She punched her palm with a determined expression on her face. "I'll finish the research before Copernicus, and present it to Teacher after we beat her and that bull-headed Alexander! This is perfect! Gahahaha!!!"
"Okay just ignore my high school education fine." I grumbled before sighing, "The sun is a big ball of fire that all the planets rotate around because of gravity. We, us on Earth, are third away from the sun. Mercury is the closest planet to the sun, with Venus as the second closest, and mars as the fourth. In between us and the other four planets is a giant belt of rocks floating in space. You probably know the rest of the planets and I don't actually recall the order they're close in... but yeah, they're big and made of gas. You happy?"
She shot me a deadpan look. "What about the evidence? The calculations and diagrams that prove it?"
"Okay look, they teach this to us when we're like six do you really think they'd have us all memorize all the equations?" I threw my hands up in the air, "I'm not a scientist. I just know the answer, you'd disappoint me if you couldn't figure out how to get there."
"Geh! Fine, fine! At least now I know we're right!" She huffed before stomping off. "I'm gonna blow up something to work out my stress, don't follow me."
...Did I just get "Science is a liar sometimes" by "Galileo is a Bitch" herself?
====
Notes:
Alex: Kudos to those who get the final joke. I know I didn't.
Chen: Hey! Hi! It's been a year! Oh my god!
Alex: Fics are declared dead after at least two years, we're safe.
Chen: Until next chapter. That'll come out in 2022.
Alex: That's also a joke.
Chen: We hope.
====
Last time on Cat-Ball Z!
The Nyaa Fighters encountered Her Lordship, the dreaded Alexander the Terrible! Though she may look nothing like a certain other Alexander, can our intrepid heroes get out of the country with their eyeballs intact?!
"Come on! Come on! Let's cross swords!" Alexander goaded us again with an eager tone. Only to suddenly stop as a puzzled expression blossomed on her features. "Wait: I use a spear, not a sword! Oh well, let's cross weapons then! The bigger the better! How big are your weapons? Wanna compare them before we get all dirty?"
Woah! She was spouting off innuendos that were so blatant even I got them!
"Uh..." I looked around. "I think Benkei has like, 900~ weapons but I don't know how much she keeps on her at all times. One, two... lotta pointy things."
"Benkei collected 999 weapons so far!" Said girl exclaimed with pride. "When she gets the 1000th weapon Benkei is gonna make a wish!"
"Atta girl! Good luck with that! Wahahahaha! Alright, enough foreplay! Here I come, here I come!" She pointed her spear at me before dashing forward at incredible speed. "Brace yourself, because I'm gonna stab you!!!"
"WILD BULL!!!" I shouted, jumping to the side to avoid the- Holy shit biscuits that's a fast girl!
"NO INHIBITIONS! NO RESTRAINS!" The Macedonian troops shouted at the top of their lungs before surging forward in a great tide. Each and every one of them had a maniac grin on their lips, and their eyes shone with a ferocious light.
It was very, very, very uncomfortable.
After missing me Alexander leaped, spear poised downward for a descending thrust. I quickly picked up a low stance and unsheathed my blade. "Hey, I think I found out the secret behind your country's strength!"
"Really?! Wow, you're sharp!"
"Yeah!" I pointed at her horns. "Your country is a country of bullfuckers!"
I could almost hear the sound of a record scratching as the troops around me gave me a look. Both sides were giving me a look.
Except for Alexander, who blinked before changing the angle of her attack and stabbing the head of her spear into the ground. Using the weapon as a pole she flipped over it and landed on her feet before pulling it out. Resting the spear on her shoulders she gained a look of intense concentration, her free hand stroking her chin. "I know what a bull is, but what does 'fucker' mean? Is that a Zipang word?"
The Macedonian troops were frantically shaking their hands and heads in my direction.
"Uh, Germanian, actually, I think. Honestly I don't even speak Zipang." I paused, "Uh, are you in anyway related to a bull?"
"Oh, you mean because of those?" She tapped one of her horns. "Nah man, everyone in my family has them. Apparently my great-great-something-grandfather was a bull, or maybe related to bulls? Grandmother's tales changed every day, so who knows what the truth is! Wahahahaha!"
"This story wouldn't happen to involve a maze and a glowing piece of thread right?" I asked, internally nodding at how I was proven right.
"Yes! How do you know? Don't tell me..." She gasped. "Cousin?!"
"Nope I just know everything." I immediately denied, "Except my own family history- Ohhhhhh shit."
"You can stop worrying! Even if you don't have horns family is sacred!" She winked. "After we're done here let's go share a drink! The bill is on me! Aaaah, I can't wait to tell Teacher!"
"Oh god oh god oh god..." I mumbled. Curse my childhood for reading Greek myths and not knowing about anything of my mom's side of the family! You hear me?! DAMN YOU! "Welp, you know what, fuck it. Time to do that."
My panic turned into Brave as it began to swell in my body, building pressure in my legs. "I may have been born and raised in Hawaii and have only been to the airport of Texas but I'm still a bit American so cultural appropriation is fair game! LET'S GO!"
In an instant the energy beneath my feet exploded and I shot into the air, flying almost as if I had been shot out of the friendship canon.
"YEEHAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"
With a flick of my hands I grabbed the tall, multi colored woman by the horns and swung myself around, wrapping my legs beneath her chest and holding her horns in my grip. "IT'S TIME FOR THE RODEO!!!!!!!!"
Alexander responded by bending her knees, leaning back and slamming me on the ground. It wasn't very strong due to the awkward position, but it happened so fast it stole my breath away. "Oops, sorry cousin! When I was little the other boys used to do it all the time so I reacted by instinct!" She raised a thumb-up. "Don't you know you need permission first to ride a girl? You'll come out as a jerk if you don't."
"Blrgl." I let out as I tried to catch my breath, "In hindsight... That was... a bad idea... Bleh, all my Brave is gone now as well."
"Really? You need to work on your stamina, otherwise you'll get tired before reaching the climax and leave other people unsatisfied." Using only one hand she pushed herself back to her feet. "Wanna continue this tomorrow? I don't really mind."
"Nope nope I..." I raised my hand, "Wait, you won't just go to some other part of your kingdom after this right?"
"Uhm, not really." She pouted a little. "I mean there's still the war against Babylon but all they do is defending, it's starting to get a little repetitive... Ah, that's right! I came here so fast that I didn't have the time to give this back to Teacher."
Out of her voluminous cloak she pulled out a book.
The title read: '30 Ways to Get Married Before You're 30'.
"I'm just gonna assume the person who wrote that is 30 years old and has not gotten married." I quipped, "Anyways yeah, thought so. It's just kind of the formula that happens whenever I invade another country."
"Oh! Oh! War stories?! Do tell!" She was visibly excited. I was still hanging by her horns, by the way, but she didn't seem bothered by it anymore.
"Eh, I mean, when you first invade a country the first battle like, always introduces one of their heroes. Then we like, fight for a bit before either they fuck off to some other place or we capture them or in the rare case, convince them to join our side." I made a face. "I mean, even fucking Australia did that and those guys wouldn't know what the word government meant if I wrote it on a wooden bat and smacked them in the face with it."
"That sounds exciting! You get to fight strong people all the time: I'm so jealous!"
"I mean..." Flashbacks to Yamato, Kublai, Ashoka, Lu Bu, and other heroes kicking my face into the dirt flashed through my mind. "I guess? Anyways yeah, this is usually the part where you either get captured or go somewhere else and then we have to spend the rest of the campaign just running around doing who the fuck knows what until we get to the capital or something."
I glanced at the soldiers around us who were in the middle of either fighting, staring at us, or just... Were those fuckers doing an arm wrestling contest with the enemy?
Ugh, Mongolians.
"Am I right or what?!" I shouted.
"YEAH!!!" Our troops replied with various degrees of enthusiasm.
Guys I'm pretty sure you weren't supposed to agree with that.
"Geez! Now I am really, really jealous!" Alexander laughed. "You know what? I know of a way to make this fun for everyone: today I retreat, but if you march to Baghdad I'll arrange for Teacher's two other students to face you there. If you win Teacher and I will fight you a Damascus, and if you win again Macedonia is yours. In exchange-" Excitement literally began to radiate off her in waves. "Let me fight all the strong people in your army!"
"Like, now? Or like, there?" I blinked. "Also Aristotle has more students?! I thought you were the only one!"
"Now would be nice! But I understand if they're not all here: unlike what they say I can wait, most of the time I just choose not too! Wahahaha!!!" She laughed. "Yeah, they're my cute junior students: Archimedes and Diogenes. They're a bit weird and have a serious problem with money, but they're both strong!"
"Wait, Diogenes the cynic? Lives like shit? Ran into a room with a featherless chicken screaming 'Behold! A man!'? That Diogenes?"
"Well she lives in a barrel and has a cute little dog named Cynic, but I've never heard of her doing that with a chicken." She hummed. "I mean, that doesn't even make sense: a featherless chicken is a featherless chicken, not a man."
"Okay so like, the story I heard was that Plato defined a human as a 'Bipedal creature covered in skin' or something and Diogenes, either out of spite or amusement, grabbed a featherless chicken and declared it to be a man because it was bipedal and when you removed the feathers it was covered in skin." I paused, "You know who Plato is right?"
"Plato, Plato... Oh, that's right: Teacher said he was one of her teachers! Teacher's teacher, that's funny! Wahahaha!!" She laughed again while slapping a palm on her waist. "I see, I see! So if anything with two legs and skin is a man, then a chicken without feathers is also a man! Now that's a good joke! I didn't know Diogenes was such a comic!"
"Diogenes' entire reputation is making fun of pretentious philosophers, things like that happen." I shrugged, "So, anyways, meet you at Baghad... ed? Baghadededed?"
"Baghdad. And yeah, you have a deal!" Almost casually she grabbed and pulled me off before putting me down next to her. Then she put two fingers into her mouth and produced a whistle so strong it was heard all over the battlefield.
Gah! My ears!
All the Macedonian soldiers stopped what they were doing to look in the direction of Alexander. "That's enough for today guys, we're going back to Baghdad! But don't worry!" She slapped a hand on my shoulder. "This here is my cousin! He's gonna show us a good time in the future! Wahahaha!!"
...WAIT FUCK I DIDN'T CORRECT HER!
"OOOOHH!! HAIL LADY ALEXANDER'S COUSIN!!!" They cheered.
The Zipang soldiers looked at me before recognizing the look on my face and letting out an "Ah~" of understanding.
"See you next time cousin! Work on your stamina, I want us to eventually go all the way! Wahahaha!!!" With those parting words Alexander skipped away with a pleased gait, her soldiers soon following after her while carrying those that couldn't walk.
Leaving me alone with my own allies. "O-Onii-san?" Himiko's eyes were wide. "What... What just happened?"
I took a deeeeeep breath before turning to Himiko, "How's it feel to be part Mycenaean now Himiko~!"
"That's not an answer!"
=====
"So, let me get this straight." Yoshi was massaging the space between her eyebrows. "Somehow you persuaded the ruler of Macedonia, Alexander the Champion of Conquest herself, that you're her cousin. Then, again somehow, you two made a deal: if we defeat the armies of Baghdad and Damascus then she'll hand over Macedonia to you. In exchange Alexander get to fight all the Heroes working for Zipang, which I assume include whenever and however she likes." She gave me a look. "Is that right?"
"No, no, she only said the strongest heroes. So like, Tama doesn't have to fight-"
"YES!" The petite women shouted before pausing at the awkward silence. "I-I mean, my lord..."
"Anyways!" I shouted, trying to get back on track. "You make it sound like that was something that took conscious effort on my part. Which I will gladly take credit for as part of my massive plan that totally exists yep."
It ended up being much better than my other plan...
Yoshi stared at me in silence for a few seconds, one hand still massaging the space between her eyebrows and the other resting on the table, before pressing her palms together and looking up at the ceiling. "Gods of Zipang, I don't know which action I took in this or a past life that offended you so much, but don't you think I've been punished enough?"
"Onii-san, you've really troubled Yoshitsune this time..."
"What? Hey! I think it's a good deal!" I raised my hands defensively. "And if you want Heaven's Mandate then just ask Jeanne or something! I may not like the nickname but I am called the Servant of Heaven remember?"
A thought occurred to me before I looked at the ground, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, "Actually, now that I think about that nobody has called me by that title in a long time..."
"That's because you are nothing like one." Nobu commented.
"My lord, if such it's your desire I'll refer to you as 'Your Highness the Servant of Heaven' from now on!" Tama enthusiastically declared.
I have made mistakes.
"No need to be so down. For you see, this is actually quite convenient for us." Sun tapped her stick on the table to gather attention. "Based on the number of Macedonian soldiers we faced so far, coupled with the information I collected here in Persepolis, I can safely say that Macedonia's military and economic might are high enough that it would be quite troubling if they are used against us in an efficient manner. That's only to be expected from a country which not only managed to remain independent of the EU, but is ruled by both an extraordinary warrior and one of the most intelligent people currently alive."
"And this clusterfuck of misunderstandings is convenient for us, why?" Nobu demanded.
"I'll explain. This will not be on the test, but pay attention anyway." Sun waved her stick up and down a few times. "With Alexander believing that Chen is her cousin, and since she reminds me of Lu I don't see that misunderstanding being fixed any time soon, and her challenge, we have an unique opportunity to conquer Macedonia with minimal bloodshed required. Look at this map."
Taking out a scroll she opened and spread it over the table, revealing a map of Western Asia. With her stick she pointed to two cities, Gordion and Alexandria, which both had Macedonia's banner above them. "Gordion stands on the border with EU territory, and it's fortified enough Napoleon is wary of invading it. This was confirmed to me by Cook. That would leave attacking by sea, but Alexandria is also a port city and its navy, both military and economic, has enough influence and power to rule half of the Mediterranean Sea. Winning Alexander's challenge will allow us to leave the forces of both cities intact, thus creating a buffer between us and the EU. Because, and I hope this doesn't need to be said, we currently don't have the strength to fight against them and win."
"Don't forget I'm pretty sure that the EU's navy is kind of butchered by the campaign in the thailandish area- Uh, it was called, um." I shook my head. "That place. Anyways with Cook and Mazero both subsequently fired their navy should still be reeling. It was an absolute disaster for them. Unless there's some other Navy captain I don't know about?"
"As luck would have it, Cook and Magellan were the only EU Heroes with a large experience in naval operations. Of course both Napoleon and Hannibal are strong and talented military leaders, but their expertise is mostly centered around land campaigns." The Chinese strategist revealed. "The EU losing the South Seas to us was indeed a great stroke of luck! But don't think we can afford to be careless just yet! Zipang may currently be the nation with the largest amount of territories, but we're still catching up to countries which has survived and prospered through decades of war!"
"Wait we have the most territories?" I blinked, holding up a hand and counting my fingers, "Zipang, Taika, Mongolia, Australia, Hawaii, an entire ocean, a fucking continent... Jesus Christ we do."
I glanced around the room filled with heroes. "This just sunk in. How the hell did I end up here?"
"It's what I want to know too." Nobu said before slapping a hand over her face and dragging it down.
"I suppose it proves Chen is truly the Servant of Heaven, because they are clearly blessing him. The alternative is a massive cosmic joke, but that way lies madness." Sun nodded sagely. "Well, we have covered everything for now. It would be best to give everyone a few days to relax before going back to marching. Who agrees with me?"
Everyone raised their hands.
"Right, free time~!" I exclaimed, stretching my arms. "Who wants to get into a competition based on who can do the most shenanigans-"
""NO!!!""
Wow. Rude.
====
"You." Hearing someone calling out from behind me I turned around. There, standing in the shadows so that only her glowing eyes were visible, was Vlad. "Feed me." She commanded.
"Hi welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?" I shot back immediately.
"Chen Miyafuji or McDonalds, it does not matter the name." She slowly advanced towards me, arms still hugging the creepy plushie. "I bestow upon you the honor of feeding me."
"We will eliminate any threats that approach our King!" Joan suddenly showed up, a cross in her hand.
"Argh!" Vlad jumped back with a hiss. "Do not bring that cross near! A look alone is enough to cause me pain!"
"So crucifixes work on vampires, after all..." The blonde sounded proud of herself. "I had prepared garlic and holy water to deal with you as well."
"Curse you..."
"Wait doesn't it just offend your sense of astet- Oh right you're a drama queen." I nodded with as much pride as Jeanne.
"Now then. That's an interesting threesome I stumbled upon." Hearing yet another voice I discovered Galileo was watching us with an amused grin, using her cannon like a leaning stick. "Should I return later, or can I stay until body fluids are spilled?"
"Okay there's gonna be no stabbing-" I suddenly recalled something, "Ew. You meant the other way body fluids are spilled didn't you?!"
She laughed like a character from Disgaea. That is, very arrogantly. "I see you're not so innocent as others believe! Midget queen, you may still get that sinner blood you crave so much!"
Tch. Joke ruined.
"Silence idiot whelp." Vlad scoffed. "I may usually feed only on sinners, but I after my forced servitude I was left weakened and now normal blood does not suffice anymore. The blood of a king, especially freely given, shall benefit me more."
"You will not get closer to him." Joan declared. There was a fax-like sound. "I see, I see. God hath spoken! He instructed me to repeat those exact words: 'Chen, just a few droplets would suffice for the bloodsucker. Not that I care or anything'."
"What a ridiculous god..."
"Wait, hold up." My hands made a pause motion. "This conversation was about sucking my blood? I thought Vlad was just like, hungry for food."
"Did you forget what this midget is?" Galileo pointed a thumb at Vlad. "Her kind feed on human blood. Though I assume the 'sinner' and 'king' part is just her being melodramatic. That, or she's a picky eater."
"Right yeah figured it would be that." I mentally put away my theory on kings and metaphysics. Though, if she wanted to be all dramatic like that… "How about I offer you the blood of the devil himself?"
"Oh? You proclaim to be able to provide the blood of the Prince of Darkness himself?"
"He means the talking snake." Galileo told Vlad.
"...Drinking animal blood? That's so, ugh, vegetarian." Vlad sneered.
"Vegetarian." I chuckled, shifting my gaze to the side. "I think you need a better dictionary. Or a thesaurus. Your grasp on words is a bit weak."
"HELP!" There was a shout before a panicking soldier stumbled into the room. "Lord Miyafuji, thank the Gods you're here! There's an emergency!"
"Woah sudden segway okay, uh..." I glanced around, "What's happening? Is the city on fire? Did Yoshitsune drink alcohol? Did you let Himiko talk?"
"A giant boar and a giant goat have been sighted approaching the city! The boar spews fire, and the goat produces mead from its udders!"
"This is, ah, um, what?" I blinked once. Twice. Again. "This sounds like some demonic shit. Either that or, well, you know, we are in Greece so... Fuck it, let's go see what this is all about."
====
"Hey boy! Guess what?" Satan called out, his head and part of his body coiled around the boar's tusks. Both it and the goat were as big as a two-story house. Physically that was the only thing that separated them from your usual animals, save for the whites of their eyes being replaced with pure blood red madness. Now physically however, they were dressed very distinctly. The boar donned in a pure gold armor that probably could fund a nation for an entire year while the goat was adorned with bells and ribbons as if dressed up for some kind of festival. "I found my old pals!"
"Of course this was you. The moment I mention your name you go and do this." I muttered, "Alright, let's take a bet. What mythology are these two from? Mmh, I want to say biblical but that goat is giving me some straight China vibes for some reason. Jeanne, opinion?"
"One moment my Lord." She had taken out a large book and was flipping through it. "I need to consult my Ars Goetia."
"You will not find them there girl." The red snake popped out from behind a large stone. Did he teleport or what?! Gotta get him to teach me how he does that. "I'll introduce them since they don't speak human language. The boar is Gullinbursti, created by the same guy that made a hammer for Thor. There's no finer or faster steed in all of creation."
The boar snorted, the fire immediately turning a few trees into ash.
"Yes, yes. He said he doesn't let just anyone ride him, that he has an excellent pedigree and thus high standards." Satan rolled his eyes. "The goat is Heidrún, also from Norse mythology. She used to eat the leaves of a magical tree, and as a result her teats started producing mead instead of milk. However it's very special mead: it doesn't damage the liver, heal wounds and cure fatigue."
The goat bleated, creating a gust of wind that had a very alcoholic smell.
"Ah, she asks to be milked a lot and regularly, because her teats ache otherwise."
"What in the goddamn..." I groaned and turned away, "Okay, sure. Do we even have some place big enough for them to stay?"
"No worries, I'll cook up something." Satan replied, once again (somehow) wrapped around the boar's tusk. "Follow me guys. It's finally time to revive the [Mythical Animals Smarter Than Their Creators Club]! Oh man, finally it's my time to be chairman!"
Bellowing and bleating loudly in response the two big furries, plus one tiny scaly, trotted towards the eastern side of the city, probably directed to one of the big hills in that direction.
"Well, those were two very big interruptions." Galileo snarked. "I wanted to talk with you boy, but I can wait until tomorrow if you need to get your head back in the game."
"No.. No... I think I just achieved enlightenment." In my time, science has revealed things that seemed impossible to actually be a reality. Who's to say that doesn't apply to mythology? If I was wrong about an assumption, isn't it the scientific duty to replace said knowledge with the factual answer? I shook my head, "Burr. Anyways, what do you want to talk about? I have approximate knowledge on most things."
"Where you come from, did you find proof that it's Earth that-"
"That it's the Earth that revolves around the sun? Yep. Also figured out the basic building blocks of reality, well as small as we can get, learned about how stars were born, reached the moon, learned about how stars die, annnnd also that we are just a small, insignificant speck in the universe and the world out beyond the skies is a black void that stretches on forever, colored with the light of stars, galaxies and nebulas." I paused, "Oh! And Pluto isn't considered a planet anymore. It's kind of a recent thing and is pretty controversial so don't ask me about that."
"I honestly don't care one whit about anything you said after your first sentence. Alright, tell me everything you know about it." She punched her palm with a determined expression on her face. "I'll finish the research before Copernicus, and present it to Teacher after we beat her and that bull-headed Alexander! This is perfect! Gahahaha!!!"
"Okay just ignore my high school education fine." I grumbled before sighing, "The sun is a big ball of fire that all the planets rotate around because of gravity. We, us on Earth, are third away from the sun. Mercury is the closest planet to the sun, with Venus as the second closest, and mars as the fourth. In between us and the other four planets is a giant belt of rocks floating in space. You probably know the rest of the planets and I don't actually recall the order they're close in... but yeah, they're big and made of gas. You happy?"
She shot me a deadpan look. "What about the evidence? The calculations and diagrams that prove it?"
"Okay look, they teach this to us when we're like six do you really think they'd have us all memorize all the equations?" I threw my hands up in the air, "I'm not a scientist. I just know the answer, you'd disappoint me if you couldn't figure out how to get there."
"Geh! Fine, fine! At least now I know we're right!" She huffed before stomping off. "I'm gonna blow up something to work out my stress, don't follow me."
...Did I just get "Science is a liar sometimes" by "Galileo is a Bitch" herself?
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Notes:
Alex: Kudos to those who get the final joke. I know I didn't.
Chen: Hey! Hi! It's been a year! Oh my god!
Alex: Fics are declared dead after at least two years, we're safe.
Chen: Until next chapter. That'll come out in 2022.
Alex: That's also a joke.
Chen: We hope.