My Little Devourlord Can't Be This Cute!

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

Peace

Quiet

Solitude

You had wanted these things for so long. To put an end to the endless stream of experience and noise that assailed you.

You were once a hero, a savior, on an epic journey to correct a 200 year old mistake. Had grown, had laughed, had cried, had loved. Only for a year later to lose it all, to have the world reset back to the beginning to do it once again.

Yet even within this endless repitition you still developed, evolved, and prospered. The experience from the past following you back to the begining but still cursed to repeat the same story for all eternity. Yet as your power grew so did you madness.

The disonisence resonated and cascaded, the fault lines in time, the flaws in reality continuing to grow until it reached a it's crusendo and the world crumbled. And you Deviored

You had killed, you had tortured, You created a literal Hell on Haephnes, and cast the entirety of existence into the uncaring infinite void to put it all to a stop.

You, once a savior, then a devil, and finally "The One Above God" had succeeded silencing the world.


[Q]I'm Bored

As it turned out "eternity" was much longer than you had thought especially when time doesn't flow. 5 minutes or 100 million years it was all the same now to you. While different from before nothing ever changed in this abyss you found yourself in after the end. Over and over again simply staring at nothing, doing nothing. Monotony couldn't even begin to cover it. Stagnation didn't come any closer. There exist no words to describe the sheer amount of... nothing in a manner mortal minds could truly comprehend. It's simply nothing happening. Literally! You're the only thing in existence currently there is no "time" as it is conceived by mortals, nor "space" outside of what you occupy. There were no sensations, Sight, nor smell, nor sound, nor touch, just a void. You are entirely blind in this abyss.

This was not what you had wanted, or maybe it was. You wanted everything to end but didn't wish to cease yourself.

Perhaps this is you punishment for your actions, sent from one hellish purgatory to another. No mater how much you sleep you will still spend infinitely more time awake, making the option essentially worthless.

You are alone with yourself.



[X] Sleep.
[X] Let your mind wander.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

Re: My Little Devoirlord Can't Be This Cute

Sleep.

You would wish to sleep. To not have to exist here.

But you can't. It would make no difference. You would spend just as much time asleep as awake, which is infinite. Only the point of sleep was to pass time, it would be pointless. Unless you were to sleep eternally, to in essence end yourself prematurely, you would exist, but you would not be conscious nor ever would be again. To sleep until even the void died. It would be easy to do it, and there would be no one to judge, no one to know, if you decided to let the eons pass you by unaware.

But you won't. You would not go silently, to let it end in such an anticlimactic way.

You are the Child of Median, Partner of Gig, World Eater, Devoirlord, the last monument to the universe you once loved and hated as proof they existed. You. Are. Revya! The biggest of the bads, the grandest of the grand, killer of gods eternal, and devourer of the world!

You will live, and you will wait out the void yourself and prove you could outlast even eternity. Such pathetic concepts as death are of no concern to one such as you.

You would simply have to amuse yourself in this void until it finally crumbled under your mighty will.

You mind wanders...

[Q]I wish Gig were here.

You don't regret the decision to eat him. It had not only greatly boosted your power and given you his memories, but you two had become one. You both had been so close in both body and soul, it was really the next most logical step. Still, you miss the conversation. Ah good times~.

[Q]...Now I want a hotpod.

~~~​

[Q]I wonder if Kanan and Thorndyke ever did it...

The though simply popped into your head. You had been reminiscing on various oddities and such in your life for so long it's hard to recall another state of being. You pondered your most amusing vassals, Kanan had been quite fond of the knight even before his decent to madness. And afterward, while you had not spent much time conscious around them Gig's memories filled in that they had become quite... close. Still Kanan was a man.

[Q]...Why does that thought only seem to excite me more?

~~~​

[Q]Mahna Mahna~ do do dododo

Eventually even you who had lived countless lives would run out of material. This tended to happen every so often, you'd simply just blather nonsense until you forgot you had ever pondered on your life. You had done this countless times and every time it seemed that the bouts of madness would both extend and shorten their lengths. Odd, but you'd been at this so long you barely perceived the passage of time anymore.

[Q]Mahna Mahna~ do- huh?

Then something changed. You became aware. After an infinite time of simply going through the motions awareness simply came back. Something was... tugging at you. A tug here, a tug there. Hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of little tugs on yourself in a span of time so short you almost could consider them instantaneous. You simply sped up.

They came in shorter intervals then, with pauses between them growing in distance. There was no pattern you could discern, it simply just was.

This... this was interesting. It was something far more than exciting that you can remember experiencing since your entrapment. You wanted, needed more.

And as if in response you felt something. Another tug, this time far greater. Not more powerful or harder than others but simply greater. The vacuum around you seemed to vibrate. Cracks, flaws, faults began to form in the void.

Light!

Freedom!

Something seemed to echo across your entire being. A name? You don't understand. But the sirens call of freedom still exists. Something forms 'in front' of you.



[X] Rush towards the light. FREEDOM!
[X] Be cautious.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

Re: My Little Devoirlord Can't Be This Cute!

FREEDOM!

The very thought is intoxicating! You could simply just wallow in just that and be satiated. But your not one to simply settle. No you have to have it all! You want more and you will take it!

You rush. You will yourself closer as fast as possible. You push, pull, and twist space that has now come into being to fling yourself at your goal in a mad rush. You thrust your hand forward into the green light. You grab it, and it grabs you, just as eager to devour you as you are it. It doesn't matter this was new. You have no fear of entrapment, not simply because anything would be better than the dullness here but because the very thought is laughable. Even if it did eat you, you are Revya The Fucking Devourlord! You'd rip your way out it's gullet into freedom. Or perhaps devour your devourer from the inside?

You jump in.

You're under assault. You eyes long used to blackness blinded by light, nose burning from the scents in the air, skin crawling from the new feelings of warmth, wind, even gravity. All the things you'd never notice by simply existing struck with more force than any god.

WIND! SUN! GRASS!

Oh god how you missed the little things. You just lie back and soak it in, every sense you remember getting flooded by the new rush of information and confused. Some you don't recall ever even having overload your brain. ...You love every second of it.

And then it explodes.

[Q]...The hell?

It doesn't hurt. Just kind of tickles. You felt the pull again though so that's something odd.

Smoke obscures your vision. You snap your fingers, unnecessary but you do love theatrics, and it clears as a your power simply pushes everything away. Now you're in a crater. ...perhaps a bit too much power.

You hear voices. Talking, shouting, all gibberish to your ears. You don't need to know what their saying, all you need to know is that someone is there.

A summoning? You don't very much like where that could mean...


[X]Whelp, time to kill everything again!
[X]Whelp, time to see what the hell is going on!
[X]Whelp, time for a snack!
[X]Whelp, to [Write in]!

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

You're annoyed. And things that annoy you tend to go splat!

It doesn't take any effort to simply leap out the crater. That's good, it seems your body hasn't forgotten it's strength during it's entrapment.

Your grand entrance however isn't greeted by the usual screams of fear, nor grovelling of cowards, nor even the rare but much enjoy attempt on your life.

The location you are in is odd, not truly like any place you recall ever visiting. Buildings with weird design, stone under your feet, nature is hanging near by though oddly muted. Based purely on the aesthetics you place this as some lace of worship. Ah good it appears that perhaps some cultists saw fit to summon their mongrel god and called forth something far greater, you. As a reward you won't even kill them all! Probably... no promises.

You hear the gibberish again, listening closely though you notice an odd 'heaviness' to it. A spell then.

You turn towards the direction you heard it, a bit hard as it seems to echo a bit somehow. Still you pin it down. to the left, and up.

You scan the twilight sky above you, high in the air above is a woman, you are sure of it's gender as even the bluish-purple robes it wears reveal quite a fetch figure. It's face is hidden under a hood, a staff in her hand. Most noticeable though is the cloak, large and spread out, symbols of arcane power glowing with power. Oddly your reminded of a butterfly from the sight.

You guess this is who you have to thank for your freedom. Pretty for a cultist, then again so was Kanan. Hmmm, perhaps you could keep her as a pet of some kind? But that would be quite a big responsibility, still you always wanted a puppy but Layna never let you keep one. Yes, that would do. You would love her and pet her and play fetch and walk her every day! And... huh now she's glowing...

The world exploded. Again.

That is one violent puppy. ...you like her already!

The barrage lasted quite a bit longer than you expected (Yet another sign of her worthiness to be your pet!) but eventually it seemed she'd run out of steam. It didn't hurt in the slightest, which was slightly disappointing, but then again you doubt there was anything in existence that could cause even a single point of damage to you anymore. Now for the tricky part.

It'd be easy to kill her, not even a simple demon blast, a single swing of your sword and you could probably obliterate her and much of the surrounding area. That was the problem, you're just too awesome! Even worse was your target was some kind of mage, she'd probably drop dead if you so much as looked at her wrong.


[X] Fuck it, you can find another puppy. Time to smash some heads!
[X] Aww but you want to keep her~
[X] Meh, que sera sera~
[X] Go look for some hotpods! Your godly stomach demands it!

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

There's no helping it then. You raise your sword... and swing.

Blackness, inky blackness filled with evil and malice beyond anything you'd believe this world has likely seen. The power of a god of death surges forth and everything in it's path simply ceases to be. Most of the temple, hell most of the mountain disappears in a flash of anti-light. The witch falls out of the sky.

The bitch is quite lucky, you're very much not in the habit of not killing people.

You'd held back as much as you could, you used your off hand, a sloppy strike, and a slow swing you had even missed her deliberately. The release was an infinitesimal amount of power. Yet it's mere passing nearly ended her. She drops like a sack of hotpods, but before she could hit the ground a blur snatches her out of the air. you track it easily to were it lands, not that it bothers hiding.

It's some guy, he's hugging your new pet pretty close.

"S-souichirou-sama..."

Heh, looks like your new pet might have thing for him. Not that you really care what she likes. You make your way towards them. He seems to tense. His eyes, they don't glare but do tighten, he's sizing you up. You just continue anyway.

He doesn't bother to run nor does he attack, probably smart enough to realize you'd simply kill them both either way. Still he doesn't relax, still ready to do either if it became necessary. Oh this is just perfect~ Two for the price of one! Not as cute as the other one but your sure you could find a use for someone like him.

[Q]Both of you... You're now mine.

You aren't really a master of reading emotion, even after centuries around them. It never really seemed like a good investment to learn how to tell what a person is feeling when you didn't care and could simply either force them to your whims or just kill them if they became trouble (or you thought it would be funny). His face didn't remove, the stoic bastard, but you could tell something was gong on through his head. He came to a conclusion however.

"Hai,"

Yeah hello back to you too.

[Q]Whelp, no reason to procrastinate, DOMINATION!



[X] Might as well get some sleep.
[X] Where are those damn hotpods!?
[X] Exploration time!
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

You feel the familiar sensation of your power flowing over and taking hold of your victim like a noose around the neck. A color to not only hold them in check but to act as a leash to tighten should you feel the urge. There was a reason it was called Domination. So long as they submitted once they would never be able to go against you as long as you held their soul hostage. Levin, Raksha, was only able to escape due to a technicality, by the world eater abandoning his human shell and name when it became inconvenient.

It feels nice. Not even 5 minutes in a new world and you've gotten your first slaves, not bad at all.

Now with the issue of labor monkeys taken care of it's time for the next order of business. Serious business.

[Q]Take me... to your hotpods!

Gig's love of the little tubers really rubbed off on you, food of the gods it was! It had been far too long since you've tasted one of those little delicacies. An eternity actually.

The man seems confused. At least you think it's confusion, he really needs to be more expressive it's like trying to read a wall. He raises a brow ever so slightly at least. Your new pet, the female, stirs a bit, she speaks. It's that gibberish again. The man replies, also in gibberish. There seems to be a bit of a language barrier apparently. Okay let's try again in a way that can't possibly fail.

[Q]Me am hungry. Bring'um hotpods or me am eat you heart.

You sure to say it both slowly and loudly to make absolutely sure the point gets across. It doesn't. The woman is frantic and seems to be pleading to the man in that nonsense moonspeak of theirs. Dammit make sense! Can't you people speak simple Haephnish like normal humanoids? Even Sepps can learn how to do it and their brains are about the size of a grapefruit!

It's still that flood of nonsense that spills out their mouths as the universe for some reason doesn't bend to your unspoken will to force them to make sense. You'll punish it later, right now though you need some hotpods.

Fine then. You make some gestures. You point at your mouth, you rub your belly, you point at them. While she still seems confused he seems to understand. He points to the left. Where once stood a temple now was just rubble and a significant crater. A piece falls down as if to assure you that yes, you did just destroy it.

[Q]...

"..."

[Q]...I'm not apologizing.

~~~​

"Would you like fries with that?" asked the vender.

"Yes," was Soichirou's monotonous reply.

This world is quite something. You can't help but marvel at it. Buildings as tall as the world eaters, baubles of lights so numerous they turned the night into day, self driving carts, and people so clogged together that they became a virtual tide. So very different from the world you remember, a world already dying by the time you arrived. This land was beyond anything you could have hoped!

Every little detail was captivating and worthy of detailed scrutiny. It was like the first time you left the village all over again. Caster ended up practically having to drag you to where ever her former master was leading your new little group. The language problem had been easily solved with some sort of omniglott spell cast by Caster on you and introductions were hastily made, as well as demands for foodstuffs over the threat of cannibalism. The last one was just from you though.

You nearly followed through with it, though, when they seemed to not know what a hotpod was. You settled for obliterating the rest of the temple. Caster nagged you for it, spoiled little thing finding a problem with your gracious mercy of not eating their souls for something completely beyond their control. What else were messengers for if you couldn't shoot them for giving bad news?

"What shall we do now Soichirou-sama?" Asked the robed woman as you all sat down in one of stalls of the odd eatery. You ignore the woman as does you companion, it wasn't the first time she's asked. Hmmm, what are those things little thing on the side of the table?

"Caster," The instant he speaks he has the woman's undivided attention. You however are busy trying to unlock the mystery of these 'ketchup' packets. "Is it possible for you to repair the temple with your magic?"

"I, Of course Soichirou-sama. I am a witch after all and such a thing is rather basic. Though the scale is... worrisome. It will take time, I ended up wasting much prana battling..." She trails off to glare at you, not that you notice. Something is inside it, but it's sealed shut. Perhaps if you squeezed them? "...and I didn't have enough time to check the stability of the lay lines before we came-" POP! "-here."

The turn to stare at you, you ponder denying guilt but seeing as they've probably already seen the 10 or so ruptured ketchup packets in your hand you doubt it'll work. Caster has this funny shocked look on her ketchup covered face.

[Q]Oops... My hand slipped?

"YOU!" She slams her hands on the table. "What kind of idiot squeezes ketchup packets!? Look you've soiled my dress and Soichirou-sama's suit!"

[Q]Gah! C-caster, a main character shouldn't make that kind of face!

Fear. It was not something you feel, it was something you made others feel just before you slowly eat their souls. Fear is what you caused by systematically purging a town of any sign of life. It is what you revel in, what you live for, it was your favorite weapon, it is the spice on the souls of the innocent that makes them taste so damn good. You had inspired it in every mortal creature that walked your planet, you had stared down creatures capable of leveling entire castles, you had looked into the eyes of the high god Ashur as you ran your blade through him and watched as the light faded with the rest of reality itself. You were very intimately acquainted with fear.

It was quite a surprise to find yourself on the other side of it. You aren't ashamed to admit it just this once, you are fucking terrified! Dear Ashur her face! Make it stop!

She continues to glare. She doesn't need to voice her request, you simply hand over the rest of the condiments you were playing with. Thankfully this pleases her, she's still annoyed but "that face" is gone. Then she smiles.

Splat.

[Q]Ite! That went in my eye you bitch!

"Heh, Sorry my hand slipped~" You don't have to be an expert in reading people to see the smug satisfaction plastered on her face. You've decimated countries for less than this!

You too slam your hands on the table and rise to meet her challenge.

[Q]You've got some nerve for a mere pet! I could end you!

"Did you think I'd just be submissive to you after being dominated against my will?" She chuckles darkly, "The only one allowed to see Medea's deredere side is Soichirou-sama!"

[Q]Oh I'll show you domination. I shall work your ass raw day and night until you submit to me fully!
[Q]Mark my words by the end you will be begging to be allowed to call me your master!

"Nooo~ Soichirou-sama!" Caster cried and attached herself to the arm of the only male at the table, said male making a very impressive effort at pretending that this wasn't happening. "Soichirou-sama protect your waifu!"

"Mama, what are they doing"
"Don't look directly at them Takkun."

"#355, please take your order"
"That is ours" The old man stood abruptly the moment the number was called and quickly made his way towards the counter. You could almost swear he was eagerly trying to escape the situation but his face remained as stony as ever. Your suspicions only grew with the fact he took much more time getting back.

He set the tray down. You had been told this was something called 'Fast Food'. You had assumed it would probably be made from Sepps (it was cows you learned later, which was close enough). It looked less than appetizing. Caster seems to share your opinion and seems conflicted, likely between disgust at eating it and not wanting to turn down food offered by her 'Soichirou-sama~'. You poked the 'burger' a few times. Meat does not look like that. Well, you might as well nothing venture.... You take a bite. This... No surely you're wrong.

You chew. ...You're not wrong. Ashur help you; you were right.

[Q]This... This is not meat! This.... is not even food.

You drop the thing on the platter that served to carry it. That was... you don't know what that was. Nothing in it tasted as it should have. Not meat, nor cheese, nor bun. It was a complete fabrication, artificial, a fake. Whatever you had just eaten was a big fat lie. That burger was a lie.

"That is correct," Kuzuki Soichirou states, you meet his eyes. His face set in that same hollow dead-eyed 'Trouble with mid-life crisis' old man expression. "As I informed you before we arrived. This is 'Fast Food'."

You could almost swear that that word carried the same heaviness as Casters earlier spells. You turn your eyes to this abomination before you.

You did not just feel a chill down your spine! Dammit you're the goddamn Devourlord! You fear not food, real fast or otherwise! You shove the whole thing down your throat as quickly as you can. Feel the wrath of Revya 'Wooper jr'! You shall make it rue the day it was ever created by whatever foul twisted alchemist conceived it!

"I would advise against that," Soichirou warned. Too late.

Oh, oh dear god... What is this? You don't even...

[Q]Blargh!

Caster was less than pleased with your aim.

Needless to say your meal was ended quite prematurely. You can't help but feel a deep sense of shame as the three of you left the eatery, having been politely asked by the servant girl to vacate the premises. The mighty Devourlord, destroyer of the universe, she who had outlasted even time itself, had been brought to her knees by a sandwich.


[X]Sleep. You just want this day to end already.
[X]Demon Blast! There must be no witnesses!
[X]Find and destroy this 'Burger King' for daring to try and assassinate you.
[X]Explore the town.
[X]Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

How disgusting.

You will not stand for this embarrassment! Death is the only punishment to one who would dare to attempt to tarnish the reputation of a king!

This establishment shall feel God's wrath for this insult!

Caster seems surprised when you suddenly rise to your feet. She'd been trying ineffectually to help you stand up while complaining about not getting achance to eat. When you begin to reach for your sword her already pale face only grows whiter. Soichirou makes to step between you two, you just raise the sword higher. You bring the onix blade crashing down.

And spin 180 degrees, to face the object of your unfathomable hatred.

[Q]DEMON FORCE!

Annihilation doesn't seem an adequate word to describe the level of destruction. The beam of pure malevolence tore through the Burger king like air, as well as everything behind it. Every bit of mater within it's dark corona ceased. Not even the infinitesimally small bits of creation that make up the elements that built it remained. Even the very fabric of the universe had not been able to withstand it, and what should have been instantaneous instead stretched int an eternity for those within. For the briefest of moments the void you had recently escaped had peaked in from this hole in reality before the gap rapidly sealed.

All that remained to show that the castle of this King of Burger ever existed was a crater that stretched into the horizon. You hear the screams and shouts of the panicking populous around you. It's enough to bring a big smile to your face, a warm fuzzy feeling wells up in your chest that tickles your heart, kinda like stomping a cute little puppy. You take the time to soak it all in, ...ah that feels o much better~

You turn back to your companions in a much better mood. Caster in reverse of your previous situation is the one on the floor is some state of shock while Soichirou almost has what could possibly considered an expression on his face.

[Q]Come on, let's go find a better place to eat. With real food.

They just stare at you. Caster moves her mouth a bit, but nothing comes out. You're polite enough to give her some time to formulate a response, the ego boost from her awe at your level of badass while unnecessary is still enjoyable.

"I... I don't believe that will be possible," Answers Mr. Stoic

You ponder killing him for insubordination but wave it off, he's been far more compliant than Caster about the whole enslavement thing and frankly from what little you know about him talking back doesn't really seem like him. You gesture for him to continue.

"With such large scale destruction it's doubtful any restaurants we could visit would continue operating, it's likely that a large section of the city will even be evacuated."

Well that killed your good mood. You're the Devourlord, eating things is actually in your job description! Hell it's pretty much all you do!

The thought enters your head to simply kidnap a chef to cook for you but gets dismissed. You don't know any chefs at the moment and searching for one worthy of serving you personally full time seems like it'd be quite time consuming, you're hungry now. It's something for a later day perhaps, when eventually get bored you have time to kill.

You notice some kind of streak of light out of the corner of your eye traveling well past mock speed heading towards you. It hits.

Then you explode. Again.

[Q]...Seriously that's getting kinda annoying.



[X] Ugh... You don't want to deal with this right now. Swat whatever it is aside and move on.
[X] DEMON BLAST!
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

You are annoyed.

You are so very much annoyed.

And when you get annoyed things die. Usually horribly. And slow.

It's rather unfortunate that 'Annoyed' is pretty much your default mood.

With a small flex of power the dust around you clears. Hmm, you seem to be getting better at that. You scan your surroundings to find what ever it was that dared to attack you.

Well if the people around you weren't panicking before their panicking now. It actually a bit off putting that you notice that who ever had attacked you had left more bodies than you did with that explosion. Oh sure you no doubt killed far more in you last attack but you didn't leave anything behind to admire either. Those nearby you had simply beep pasted unto various surfaces or outright obliterated. The were the lucky ones, those farther though were the worse off. There's quite a few mangled corpses lying around you, some aren't even dead either. You feel that warm fuzzy feeling come back as you spy a man down the street screaming and desperately trying to keep his insides... well inside.

You're happy to note that your minions seemed to have survived without a scratch though, odd since you honestly expected them to have been pasted like the rest of the puny humans too close to you. In fact they occupy a rather small area oddly untouched by the destruction. Soichirou is holding Caster close, who seems to be shocked and exhausted.

"That- That shouldn't have worked," She chokes out, "Such a quick barrier shouldn't have been able to stop a Broken Phantasm, even if it missed just being in the area should have..." She glances at a large red stain stretched across the street and pales.

She seems to know something...

There! It's barely noticeable, especially in this chaotic atmosphere, but you detect a faint whistling in the air not unlike a hail of arrows. That punk had fired again at your turned back.

You fight the urge to grin.

In a motion far to quick of any mortal eye to follow you reverse direction and are greeted by a surprising sight. Swords. Normally that would not even be worth noting. You've seen millions, not even the number of which were pointed at you, you've face far greater numbers before when facing various armies. No, the odd thing was that it seemed to be raining swords at a rather high velocity and density. Now that's something you've not seen before.

Surreal sight or not it was quite fortunate. The first attack had only been seen out of the corner of your eye and you couldn't tell it's origin, now though it would be quite easy. Judging from the angle you could narrow it down to pretty easy, as only a single tower in that direction had the height needed.

You straighten your back and place your hand on the pommel of the Dead Onix Blade and wait. In almost no time the wave of steel hits.

CLANG!

Shrieks, screeches, cracks roar as steel meets steel again and again, an uncountable amount of times in the span of moments. Your Onix Blade, moving at speeds and vectors that would have had any mundane blade snapped by it's inertia alone braking steel arrows larger than itself. You block, deflect, or outright break anything that would even come close to either you or those behind you, not moving a single step from your starting position. And soon the rain of death ends your standing in a waste land of broken blades.

An entirely unnecessary gesture, you could have easily obliterated the wave long before it came close to you, but where would have been the fun in that? You spy the tower again and raise your sword, making several sharp flicking motions in it's direction. At first it would almost appear as if nothing had happened, only for it to shift. The top half simply collapsing into rubble, having been cut into various chunks by you.

[Q]...Well that was fun.


[X] Wait and see if whoever it was survived
[X] Obliterate the rubble.
[X] Go look for a restaurant; you're still hungry
[X] Write in

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

You spend a moment or two to stare at the rubble that falls off the towering building for a moment no doubt killing and maiming untold dozens when it reaches the ground, a sense of pride worming it's way upwards. Nothing like a job well done.

[Q]Whelp that was a fun way to kill 30 seconds. So back to finding something to eat...

You turn around to face your minions. You don't bother even considering checking the rubble or making sure whoever attacked you is dead. What would be the point, he'd either be a corpse or if he somehow survived would know his place now. You have more important things to do, namely filling your stomach. And this time with something that isn't made of concentrated Lies.

Caster nor Soichirou seem to be eager to offer an opinion. Meh, you could figure it out yourself anyway. You place the Onix Blade point down on the closest patch of level ground carefully. With care you keep your finger on the head of the pommel and balance it perfectly. Aaaaaaand now. You let go.

...

[Q]To the left it is, come! The sword has spoken!

The Onix Blade has never let you down yet!

~~~​

That fucking sword is a liar!

You've been wandering around for the past few hours and found absolutely nothing worth it. You'd eventually left the more impresive interior of the city as the droning noises, horrible smells, and those ambulance 'sirens' (why they called them that is a mystery they most definitely don't sound like Nerieds at all) were giving you a killer headache. Gods above, how could anyone live in a place like this!?

Right now you're meandering in between a bunch of largish houses, or perhaps small mansions? Either way it all looks the same and you don't know where to go. You'd differed to the great wisdom of the Onix Blade several dozen times already and it's lead you to what might as well have been any of these houses. There's nothing special about it from what you could see. Gah, stupid blade! You could have just created a few Crimson Tears to feed to Medea and had her fix the mountain for you by now.

[Q]Looks like we're here.

"This makes no sense," Medea complains. As usual, "We've made nothing but left turns, how could we have gotten anywhere?"

"This is Emiya-kun's house," Soichirou states, looking at a plaque on the wall written in gibberish squiggly lines. Sure you could understand what it says, and a quick glance confirms it, but it's still chicken scratch to you. Yeah first thing you're gonna do when you take over is make the Haephnen alphabet the language around here. You only need 21 letters damn it!

You don't care who this place belongs to, it's not like they're gonna own it for much longer. There's a click and the Onix Blade is free once again. Snickity slice~ You flick it a few times at the wall directly in front of you. A little flex of your power once again (you reallyare getting very good at this!) in it's direction and the pieces just fly in ward leaving a perfect rectangle in front of you. You step through and stop. Huh, you felt a little something, like walking through a puddle. There's a chime.

The wall of the house before you explodes outwards and a small blonde girl speeds at you at speeds that visibly warp the air around her, her posture seems to look as if she would strike you with a sword though oddly there's nothing in her hands. She continues the motion, like she were to strike you with an invisible blade you just stand there as if you hadn't noticed her.

CRACK!

The instant before she could connect you simultaneously step into her guard, she looks surprised no doubt thinking she got the jump on you, or at least that you could not move that fast, and you swing your left fist backwards across her face lazily. Lazily for you, it's still enough to overcome her momentum and send her rocketing perpendicular to her initial path. Right through the wall and several compounds to your left.

You look at your fist and then to the destruction and back to your fist. Odd, you didn't thing you held back that much. It should have taken her head off her torso at least. Must be a bit stronger that you thought, oh well. If she lives you might even get to teach her a lesson about destroying the property of people stronger than her. No manners, breaking the wall of your new house like that!

A glint catchs your eye. You hand automatically snakes out and snatchs it. It's a sword, weirdly shaped and pure white. It's actually kinda pretty. Something strikes you just between the 4th and 5th rib, in your back. A quick check shows it's another sword, of similar design though opposite color. Clever, that had been in the blind spot made by catching the first sword, and even if you dodged you wouldn't have noticed it in the night. You snap the white one in half.

[Q]Kuzuki, deal with the trouble maker. Caster find the other one, the girl.

They both go off to fulfill your whim. Caster negating a barrier that blocked several blades and Soichirou dropping the ones he had caught and leaping out of sight. Crap you forgot about them for a second, luckily they didn't embarrass you by dying in a sneak attack.

You wait a moment, in the background you can here the sounds of combat. Confident there were no other surprises you head into the house before you. Via the new hole that rude house guest was kind enough to leave.

You see a sight before you. A brunette in red in black pointing jewelry at you like it was a threat, A boy wielding a ladle like a sword, behind them a shocked and confused short haired woman hugging a girl with purple hair. All in the middle of a room and...

Oh dear Ashur! It can't be!

You tense. The two defenders tense. You spring forward and the they barely manage to avoid being bowled over by you. They don't mater. The short haired woman yells something, you ignore her and shove the pair aside. you reach your target.

FOOD! Glorious food! It smells so good! It smells like it's real! You j-j-jam it in.

Oh sweet Halphnes, it's like an orgasm in your mouth! You almost feel like crying. You'd been waiting eons for this moment.

"What..." Comes a male voice.

"The hell?" Comes a female.

[Q]Hwat?

You spare a moment to look back at the shocked look of your new slaves (or at least the one who will be your new chef). You absent mindedly shove a whole turkey leg in your mouth. The flavor sends a shiver down your spine. Sooooo gooood~

There's no immediate response. The boy takes a moment to look out the hole you entered from.

"My house!" He notices the outside, "The wall!"

[Q]Yeah, I was in a rush.
And thank Ashur you were! What if this food got cold while you dealt with those tedious mortal pleasantries? Or worse, they ate it themselves!

"There was a gate!" He exclaims, and points to a large wooden apparatus not 3 feet from your impromptu entrance way.

[Q]And now there's a door.

He places his face in his hands. Such an odd way to express thanks for your gift of a quicker entrance point. Still...

[Q]You're welcome

You smile a bit as he lets out a groan of gratitude.


[X] Discussions! Over food of course.
[X] Eat their food, find the cook, kidnap, back to the temple!
[X] Might as well bring the girl in blue, Caster seems to like her.
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

You continue to shovel food in your mouth, making sure it's never less then half full at any given moment. Contrary to what some may think you are chewing. Gluttony isn't limited to satiating simple physical hunger, you'd long move pass the point where such a thing could inconvenience you. You just want to experience as much of the taste and texture as possible in the most efficient manner. By ensuring food is constantly filling your food hole.

[Q]So... which of you is gonna be my new chef?

They seem mildly confused. Okay, dumb it down a little then.

[Q]Which of you meat bags made this?

You spy eyes involuntarily shifting to the boy. Hmm, on closer inspection something about him seems quite attractive. Probably the red hair, being even slightly similar to you is a sign of possible greatness in your mind. You grin, oh yes you like this. They flinch back.

"I've retrieved her!" A voice interrupts before you can speak as Caster enters through the houses new entrance. "She struggled a bit so I had to ...restrain her~" Quite a bit judging from her panting and flush face. Perhaps Caster wasn't as disloyal as you though?

"Saber!?"

Behind her walk 2 skeletons hauling the bound body of a struggling blond woman, arms and legs tied expertly with golden rope and a third dragging what seems to be an invisible stick. You're glad to note Caster even went above and beyond having actually hog tied her expertly to remove any leverage and creatively used the rope as a gag to silence the inevitably annoying protests that captives usually have. Though why she used so many knots, especially over her breasts and groin, completely eludes you.

[Q]Oh good, just put it down anywhere. Pull up a seat I got us some dinner.

"What!?"
"Hey that's mine!"
"Wait a minute!"
"Fujimura-sensei!"

The two shorter haired ones seem ready to put a stop to you but are quickly held back by their longer haired companions. Your Chef by the brunette and the woman by the one with purple hair who you just notice is producing a wonderfully delectable scent. The brunette gestures to the new entrance and the thoroughly restrained 'Saber' which seems to cause the to reluctantly step down.

"Good, now let's all just take a moment to calm down," Cautiously she moves to take a seat at the table, entourage in tow. As you make no effort to stop them they quickly take their seats, the girl directly in front of you. She continues, "Now, let's all act like rational adults I'm sure we all would like to know WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!?"

She stands up and yells this at you at a volume loud enough to actually create a bit of wind. Oh my feisty~ You wriggle in your seat a bit and lick your lips causing her to retract a bit. The ones that kick the most are always the most fun to break~

[Q]Hmm, yes that will be fine. I have somethings I would like to... discuss as well...
Mmmm, just pondering what her screams will sound like is exciting you. She might resist at first, in fact that was part of the fun, but in the end you always won in the end. She'd scream herself hoarse in no time~ Still that can wait a bit...

"Erm ah yes..." She seems to be uncomfortable all of a sudden, face redder than you new chef's hair. In fact so were most of the other meat bags...

"You said that last part out loud," Caster informs you. Oh...

"Well that awkwardness aside," She continues trying her best to keep your eye, "How about we start with simple introductions?"

You nod.

"I am Tohsaka Rin" She gestures to herself.
"Emiya Shiro" Your Chef
"M-matoh Sakura..." The one with that most pleasant smell.
"Fugimura Taiga," The woman. She seems the most upset right now.

Your turn then.

[Q]Yeah, I'm not just gonna give my name to a bunch of worthless mortal sacks of meat. You can just call me Master
[Q]This here is my new pet dog, Caster. She likes to bark a lot, it fucking annoying.
[Q]This is SOICHIROU
You tug the line connecting you to the man, dragging him though time and space to your current local. He looks worse for the wear, shirt in many tatters and various scratch all over his skin. Oddly the most bloody part of him is his right fist, currently extended, which didn't even seem damaged. If he's surprised by the sudden shift in location he doesn't show it, just easily shifting back into a more relaxed posture.

[Q]He's the trainer. Honestly I'm just considering just getting the bitch spayed to stop all that yapping.
Not that they seem to care, your comment is ignored in various shouts.
"Kazuki-sensei!?
"Souichiro-sama!"

...Completely forgotten.

Ya know what, fuck it you might just spay all these rude bastards!

Your fist strikes out just slower than sound to impact the wall next to you, evaporating it instantly.

You don't like being ignored.

~~~​

You sit back and ponder a bit on what you just learned. This Holy Grail War, these magi, Heroic Spirits. Interesting...

Soon after restarting your conversation an tan man had arrived, he had given you a queer look but said nothing in your presence, instead choosing to linger around Tohsaka.

The woman, Taiga was off in a corner sulking. She had apparently been even more in the dark than you. You have a hard time imagining it; a world where most people don't even know magic exists... It's almost as bad as not having hotpods.

The one who smells you could swear just gets better with exposure doesn't seemed as shocked, though the boy acted as if she had been similar to the older woman.

Saber is still spouting muffled obscenities in the next room where you had sent her and Caster. Odd how she seemed so oddly eager to please when you said that the blonde needed some discipline lessons or the crazed look in her eyes when you just told her to 'do as you please' to the girl. All you know is that everyone else seemed to be trying hard and (all but Soichirou) failing to ignore the noises coming from within their faces red.

You reach for a piece of food. You're hand finds nothing. A quick glace.

...yup outta munchies. Time to leave then.

[Q]Caster!

You wait a moment as the screaming stops. The door opens and Caster exits, looking a bit out of sorts but much more relaxed, dragging a now silent and complacent Saber behind her.

[Q]It's time to get going now.

She her eyes widen and she glances down at her captive. Then she turns pleading eyes to you. Oh you know that look...

....

...Dammit.

[Q]Fine you can keep her, but only if you feed it, clean it, and exercise it regularly. Prisoners are a big responsibility you know.
[Q]You just better not get bored with it in a week, or I'll have her put down.

Caster eagerly nods. Aww, it's cute how exited she is to have her own prisoner, reminds you of the good old days...

"Hey! You can't just take Emiya-kun's servant!"

[Q]Oh don't worry I'm not...

She stops for a moment and you move forward a few steps and reach forward.

[Q]I'll be kidnapping your 'Emiya-kun' too.

You snag the boy by his color and sling him over back like a travel pack.

"Wah, but, you can't just..."

[Q]Oh but I can~



[X] Back to the temple! Feed Caster a Crimson Tear to fix it and send your new food slave off to work!
[X] You'll also be taking the girl who smells of tasty things
[X] You'll be taking her along with us too, you were serious about making her scream~
[X] Oh who are you kidding, Kidnappings for everyone!
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

"Kya! Sempai!"

You see the purple hair girl reaching forward, though seemingly hesitant about something. Sweet Ashur she just smells so damn good! Why does she smell so good? You can't even identify the smell, in fact you can't even seem to think of a good analog for something similar, all you know is that it's ridiculously tantalizing. You can't just leave it behind!

You quickly march over towards her, she flinches but doesn't retreat. Good. You grab her by the back of her shirt and toss her over your shoulder like a sack of hotpods.

[Q]This one too.

It smells eve better up close! Wh-what is this feeling in your chest? Your head feels a bit lighter, your eyes are leaking, and your mouth seems to be salivating, your face feels a little hotter too. Absentmindedly you rub your nose seeing as it's feeling itchy. What's this red stuff, surely it's not blood?

Oh well.

"Sakura!"

The two other females, are shouting about something. The brunette seems ready to fight, at least she's pulling out some jewelry. Maybe she plans to bribe you. That'd be dumb, if she had anything you wanted you'd just take it. The odd tan man joins her though.

"You're giving Sakura back!" She tenses a bit along with the taller man, his face is unusually grim, Wait were did those swords come from? Soichirou prepares to fight behind you, "And Emiya-kun too!"

Huh, you thought she'd be happy that you're eliminating her competition.

"I-it's only because we have an alliance! What kind of self respecting magus would go back in their word?" her face is red. Also she's avoiding looking you in the eye, "Otherwise I-i wouldn't care about what happens that idiot..."

"What my tsundere little master is trying to say," Begins the taller man, ignoring the indignant shouting of 'who are you calling tsundere you fake archer!' from his proclaim master, "And as much as I dislike it, the fact is that we still need that boy you're carrying."

"But that doesn't matter to me right now, what matters is that I know what is standing right here right now is that monster from before," The girl freezes, and turns her eyes towards you as if looking at you for the first time, her face slowly melts into one of horror. You flash her a grin and she flinches back. Mmmm that look just warms you black little heart~. The man matches your grin and crosses his blades, "Just to let you know, I'm in the hero business, and a hero's job is to stop demons like you from causing such atrocities. Now tell me what kind of hero would I be to let you walk off with two innocent little kids?"

Oh a riddle you like them! Let's see...
[Q]A smart one?

He answers by chucking a sword at your head and jumping away. Guess you got it wrong then. Maybe your second choice of 'the not dead one' would have been better. Now how to stop the sword? It wouldn't hurt you but it'd leave a bad taste in your mouth to just let it hit you. Both your hand are occupied though. Oh!

"Holy crap!" Comes the voice from behind you, your chef. Not that you can blame him, most people don't learn the legendary 'no handed blade block'. You clench your jaw and blade shatters between your mighty teeth.

[Q]*hack**cough* Oh aw crap I think I got some stuck in my throat!

A whistling echos behind you and you instinctively move your head to the side. A white sword whizzes by, huh you though you broke it... You take three steps to the left and a quarter turn clockwise to avoid the black one. The dance begins of dodging the buzzing blade pair, that grows by 2 and then 4 more and finally by the man with an another pair engaging you in melee. Your two hangers on also seemed to have passed out for some reason. Weeeaaaak.... You take the time to try and clear your throat of that jagged metal, it's real annoying. Not like your doing anything that needs focus, just fighting to the death again. Speaking of which.

[Q]So you wanna tell me what I have done to earn such enmity to be called a monster?
You are one of course but you're preeeeetty sure that no one from here should know of your deeds. The man stops chanting something, it sounded like 'bane of my sword' or something and frowns

" You...You don't even know? Does killing mean so little to you that you dismiss it from your mind with every murder? You slaughtered uncountable men, women, and children like swatting a fly!"

[Q]Yeaaaah, I tend to do that, can you be more specific?

"You fired a massive beam of pure concentrated evil into the city!"

[Q]Still nothing.

"I shot an exploding arrow at your back!"

[Q]Wait was this during spring?

"It was today!"

[Q]...Oh. ...Oh! Right, I'd forgotten about that! Man those burgers were horrible. Never eat at that place again!

"..."

[Q]Y'know cuz I destroyed it? It's a joke, you're supposed to laugh.

"..."

[Q]Aww, why aren't you laughing?

"...So much death," He pauses in battle, his former glare hidden in shadow as he hangs his head, "And you don't even remember. So much suffering... Steel is my body..."

[Q]Oh it's not like I can remember everyone I kill! It just all kinda blends together after a couple centuries y'know.

He just tenses, his jaw clenchs with his hands, "You joked about it... and fire is my blood." He starts to attack again, far more savagely than before.

[Q]Oh come on, it's not like I killed your entire family while forcing you to watch.
SHING! Crap one of the flying black blades nearly kill your chef, you'd barely managed to catch sight of it in time and jump, where it grazed it's white partner beneath you.
"I have created over a thousand blades"
[Q]...Wait I didn't do that, right? I mean I'm sure I killed them afterwards at least. And those kids didn't look anything like you!
CRACK! The guy's focusing on killing your prizes! That's not fair! You can't fight back while holding them, if you drop them they die, and you can't even move too fast or they'll break!
"Unknown to Death"
[Q]Hey! Stop that!
"Nor known to life"
[Q]And what the hell are you mumbling about you bastard!?
"Yet, those hands will never hold anything"
[Q]Stop this bullshit right now!
"So as I pray..."
[Q]STOP IGNORING ME!

The ground and air around you is repelled violently, the man jumped back before he could be caught in it though. The blades are gone. He's smirking, but his eyes don't hold any humor.

"UNLIMITED-"

You feel it. In an instant you plant your feet firmly, square your shoulders and take in a deep breath. The man's eyes widens and he quickly brings up his right arm, supported by his left.

"Rho-"

You spit. Thank god, you thought that bit of sword would be stuck in your through forever.

"Aias!"

A shining wall of light in the form of a flower forms in front of the man. You don't know it, but his is the strongest defensive phantasm of the Counter Guardian EMIYA. Rho Aias: The Seven Rings that Cover the Fiery Heavens. The shield used by Aias, capable of stopping the javelin of the great hero Hector. The Absolute Defense against projectile weapons. When faced with the hocked loogie of a Devoirlord the victor is obvious.

Rho Aias folds like a bitch.

The moment that chunk of phlegm and blade impacted it all the petals burn away in an instant. The construct simply explodes from the sudden overload. When the smoke clears the torn and bloody body of the tan man lays in a crater next to the now destroyed house, a chunk of metal sticking out of his forehead.

"Archer!" The girl calls from where ever she is. "Gah!"

You turn your head to find a madly crackling Caster throwing spells at the rapidly dodging and out of breath girl and Soichirou standing by next to the still bound but once again struggling Saber.

[Q]Kuzuki, secure the girl.
You had promised to make her scream after all.

The man nods and waits for a moment, when a lag appears in the battle the man rockets forth in the girls blind spot. He weaves through the deadly rain of magic, the witch creating a path for him when she sees his involvement. This in turn informs Rin who turns, only to receive a fist driven deep in her solar plexus as a reward before she could even react. She slumps over, and falls to her knees gagging as Soichirou removes his arm cutting her support. He gives a swift chop to her neck and she falls to the floor like a doll with it's strings cut.

[Q]Great, time to go.

You three, plus some new soon to be minions exit the now ruined Emiya Estate. Not like you care, you got what you came for.

~~~​

You stare at the huge crater in front of you. The crater that earlier today replaced a temple and hill.

You'd forgotten about that. Still, not a problem.

You hold up a hand to preemptively silence Caster. You open your mouth, though not to talk, with your right hand you reach inside your gaping maw and grab something.

Against all logic when you pull your fist out you drag along a full sized naked child of around 10 by the neck, kicking a screaming. You use your other hand to grab him by the thigh and lift him above your head. Slowly you move your hands farther and farther apart while his screams get worse. The moment you hear a pop and he goes limp you jerk them apart, each hand holding half of the now dead boy. Sweet irony blood rains down on you and you raise your head up to catch some in your mouth. Mmmm~ The youth and suffering just made it tastier~

Caster is looking away and Saber just stares wide eyed while you take a moment to clean yourself up. Saber looks about ready to mumble something no doubt very rude at you but the glowing of the corpse distracts her. It dissolves into motes of light which conjoins in front of you, taking shape and solidity. Floating gently before you is one of the most powerful, valuable, and down right evil artifacts ever. Possibly the only thing left in reality that would give you even a moment's pause. A Crimson Tear.

Named for their distinctive color, crimson like fresh blood and tear shape, Crimson Tears can only be made from a death, not any death however. The soul used in a Crimson Tear must die in a tragedy, their heart broken and everything they ever loved torn away horribly before them and hope for the future all but crushed 'cept the tiniest spark left to keep the tethered to the mortal plane in a desperate wish as their final torment to suffer until their soul burns away. The soul must either have been from one who knew the ritual to convert it or in the presence of one (such as you). In Haephnes the cost of just one could bankrupt even the richest of countries, and ownership was an offense punishable by death.

That child, now Tear, had been one of the ones you had tortured into near insanity (the insane weren't viable so it was quite a bit of trial and error to get it right) for the express purpose of making Tears. All you needed was to eat them to save the soul for a later date, then call it up and brutally murder it, voila instant Tear (and tasty drink too!).

You reach forward to casually pluck the nightmarish artifact from the air before lazily tossing it at Caster.

"Wah!" She almost drops it in surprise. She juggles it but eventually managed to get a grip and just stares at it in horrified awe, well as a mage she probably knows about Tears, "Wha- how?"

[Q]Well? Get to work, chop chop bitch!

You'll just pretend that the glare she shot at you was one of gratitude for being such an badassidly awesome and kind master.

~~~​

Elsewhere

Taiga felt shame. The child she had watched grow from a boy into a kind young man had been taken by a monster and she'd done nothing. It had been too great, too powerful, and she had simply let it take the boy she thought of as a little brother away.

Tears fell. God she hated herself for her weakness. She hated herself for her hesitant. But most of all she hated herself for just wallowing here hidden under the rubble of the boys destroyed house rather than chasing after him.

What could she do though? It had strength beyond anything she could imagine. Faster than her trained eyes. Tougher than steel. A monster as far beyond her than she was dust mite if not more. She hated herself more than anyone she had hated before.

She didn't move as she heard the rubble shifting. She didn't care if it fell on her now, her safe place turning into a death trap. She would welcome death, it was better than a hypocrite like her deserved. Tears no longer flowed.

A hand gripped her shoulder and she gasped. She stared at it for a minute before tracing the limb to it's source. Her eyes widened as she recognized who it was.

Archer gave her a small smile. One he didn't really feel, his body felt like crap. He should be dead he know, had barely survived only by a fluke. When his shield had broken the shard bad missed by a hair, it had not been deflected even a millimeter, it had been he who had been moved by the force of the blast.

Gaea is a funny thing, it tends to not like aberrations and usually tries to destroy them, if it can't it simply tries to force them to make some kind of sense. This is why types don't usually melt a person brain by being seen, why the Shinso looked human despite being from the moon, why so many Noble Phantasms were just fucking weird. It's why what shouldn't have happened happened. It was a little quirk in the rules Gaea tended to impose on the world, 'If you're badass enough it rubs of on the shit you own too!'. It had been why Heracles's nameless axesword became a phantasmal weapon simply from him wielding it, it had been why Lancelot could kill a Heroic spirit with a spoon if he needed to. It was now why the moment your bodily ejection left your mouth it had been retroactively reclassified by Gaea as the conceptual weapon Deus Exodus Nihili: A++ | anti-fortress. It had been why Archer could see it, the only reason he survived it. In the heat of the moment he had realized what he had to do, he manifested his marble in a way that could only destroy his body had he been human. As an Heroic Spirit it was merely nightmarishly painful. He cast his reality into himself and became Steel.

Christ, she's like if Berserker was a Saiyajin, the passing of the shard had not been slowed in the slightest. It carried a force beyond even a broken Caladbolg II, a B+ noble phantasm! Just the passing would have torn apart all but the hardiest of Servants, and the modern hero most definitely wasn't counted among them. Blades warped and skin ripped. His very soul felt like it was being stretched to the point of breaking. The damage taken by his Phantasm being phantomimed onto his body as well. The infinite swords he'd stolen invading and devouring his body, replacing muscle with blade to knit flesh, making him closer to the steel he saw himself as. But in the end it worked. And he had tricked the demon too, though it hardly mattered as Rin would no doubt die soon. At least he hoped she did, she didn't deserve to see the uglier parts of the world, what he suspected the creature likely planned to do to her. He grimaced, just another failure to add to his long list.

He didn't have a hope to at stopping that creature. But he knew someone who might. The slimmest chance, but it was better than none. He could even consul himself that should his plan fail than he would would die happy after getting to see that smug son of a bitch taken down a peg! The only problem would be getting the arrogant King of Heroes to take this seriously before he got himself killed by an finger flick. Not to mention simply killing the Faker warning him offhand. But hes wasn't the only modern Hero for nothing, he had made a career of doing the impossible, the improbable wasn't even worth worrying about.

He had planned to simply leave her there, she'd probably hate herself for the rest of her life, but she'd live. Fujimura Taiga, Fuji-nee was strong, she'd recover eventually. He lied to himself. She was strong, but she was loyal and loving to a fault. Had Shirou and Sakura simply disappeared she'd have been sad but would convince herself they eloped or something similarly exaggerated. Had she learned they'd died, she'd have despaired but would eventually recover. No, to see them carried off by a demon and unable to help, there was no greater hell of Fujimura Taiga than that. Before he realized it he had laid a comforting hand on her shoulder, like he had done many times before. Sure it was usually for being stood up or Raiga forgetting her birthday, and that one time he had a bad fever and she thought he'd die, but still the he'd gotten accustomed to comforting a teary Fuji-nee.

"You..." her eyes widen. Oh, she's probably surprised he survived. "...Shirou?"

Wait, what? He jerks, Impossible! Fuji-nee may have been smarter than most people gave her credit for but this is ridiculous!

"No, Archer. Fujimura-sensei we need to leave now." He gently helped her up. She didn't offer any protest.

"Ah, I'm sorry I- in the light you... looked like him a little..."

"Sure," He smiles and helps her walk. She wobbles a bit and he puts his hand around her to stabilize her, "Whoa! Watch your step Fuji-nee!"

"I-I'm jusst a little sh-shaken," She smiles up shakily wiping her tears and wraps her arms around his waist, "I hope you don't mind..."

"Yeah sure," He looks away a bit. Trying not to think about how the woman he thought of as a sister was nearly painting herself at his side. Or about how he'd just realized that their now about the same age. Or how he can feel her br- Dammit!

So the two walked off, the taller one trying to distract himself from realizing his legal guardian was, in fact, a woman and indeed very pretty. The other keeping her face down so he wouldn't see it. Her eyes narrowed.

'Fuji-nee'?




[X] Repairs!
[X] The Next Day!
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

You grit your teeth. It can't in any be possible. There were limits to some things that just can't be broken!

[Q]No. No, I refuse to believe it!

"Denial won't change the fact," Explains Caster, that blasphemous witch!, "While I can feel the power rolling off this... Crimson Tear, I still don't know how to access it's power safely."

There could be no way someone, a witch could be that incompetent! Even the meagerest of crapsacks could instinctively use the power of a Crimson Tear! Ugh, figures. this world is so backwards. First no Hoptpods, then magic is some how a secret, now you find out that the mages here can't even power their spells with the soul of a forsaken child without you holding your hand! That's like the first thing they should be taught at the wizard academy (or where ever it was the pointy hatted bastards learned to explode crap with fancy words), right after learning how to harvest said souls!

Oh you'll show her how to do it. You march over and snatch the Tear out of her hands.

[Q]Open wide.

"Huh?" Close enough. You're hand shoots forward.

Caster initially struggles as you begin to shove the Crystallization of pure Suffering larger than her head down her throat but that lessens as she no doubt realizing it somehow fit in her remarkable small hole without somehow ripping her in half like she worried it would. Sure this wasn't how most people used the Tear, instead just guiding the power from a distance. They were just cowards though. This was how a Crimson Tear was meant to be used, how you used it, by taking it's mighty power into yourself permanently. Oh yeah it was dangerous to eat souls without being sure you could subdue it, but if you died than that just means you didn't deserve it in the first place!

In no time at all the Witch collapses into a violently retching pile, tears streaming, sweat pouring, chaotic waves of magic far beyond what could be achieved by even the greatest magi whirling around her. She screams and arcs her back at an unnatural angle, the magic expels itself outward in an instant. Spent she collapses onto the temple grounds. Is she... No wait she's panting a bit, even smiling which is a much better sign. Good, that means you wouldn't have to degrade yourself with the grunt work of making your own castle.

You take your hand off Soichirou's shoulder, where you had put it to keep him from rushing forward. He looks weary. After a short time Caster lifts herself up into a sitting position and stairs at her hands in awe. Physically there wasn't anything different from Caster now and Caster then, disheveled appearance aside, spiritually however was a whole different story. In her coursed far more power than she probably ever dreamed of holding, let alone naturally producing, even in the prime of her life.

"M-my body..." you really not getting why she seems so fascinated with that, "It's... alive, it's real!" Okay now she's just stating the obvious, well a little bit of insanity never hurt anyone. Besides she just looks so happy... "And this... Power!" There we go. She starts to laugh. Slowly softly, then it builds and builds. Longer, louder, deeper. She rises to her feet, lifting her hands palms up wide above her head. Power begins to roll of her in waves as she laughs at the sky, Saber who had been momentarily forgotten at her feet begins to struggle more. You let the witch have her moment.

Yup you sure are an awesome master, giving such awesome presents. What little minion wouldn't love to be given MOAR POWAH as a gift?

After a few minutes you judged she's settled down enough, you gesture to the large area of devastation so she can get to work. She gives a look before smirking. She raises her hands and moves them about madly, like some hopped up conductor. Magic washes over the area, and from the ground up it begins to form. Brick by brick it builds up, It's slow at first but as it progresses it speeds up exponentially. In minutes a castle stands tall in the crater. It's tall and thin, precariously balancing it's bulbous middle girth on a twisting column that looked dreamed up by a mad man, only able to stay upright by being anchored to the walls of the crater by chains thicker than most men. The entrance was only accessible from a long narrow and shoddy bridge with no railing. A quick look revealed spikes and traps blanketing the floor of the pit. Some even had skeletons already impaled on them somehow. You look up. ...yup it's gathering storm clouds around the spiraling tower in the center. You return your gaze to Caster. She's panting and sweating, even with a Tear this probably took alot of power, let alone skill but a has a feral look of pride on her face, a toothy smile going from ear to ear.

[Q]Caster.

She turns to you glassy eyed.

[Q]Good job.
You give her a matching grin and a thumbs up. Yup, definitely worth not killing her. It's hard to find such useful minions. Not to mention the bitch had Style~ which was worth just about as much in your book.

She nods, then sways a bit before catching herself. Then reaching down she grabs the now madly struggling Saber and drags her off to the castle followed by Soichirou. You aren't sure but you think her grin had actually gotten bigger.

You pick up your own prizes for the night, awkward give their number and size compared to you but not a problem. As enter your new lair you ponder a bit on what you'll name your new kingdom after you conquer the place.

~~~​

You take back what you said about Caster. She didn't have Style.

...Bitch had UBERSTYLE! Much better than just about any other place you'd been in. Drazyl could give it a run in quality but in the end you preferred the aesthetic choices of Caster far more. She had such an eye for detail too! Every wall held elegant and subtly threatening designs, shadows dance around corners at the edge of the eye, every step and sound echoed ominously yet still the whole place seemed suspiciously quiet. Much better than that castle you stole from that child queen.

You tossed your prizes into the various rooms you found that you felt suited them best. The chef in the kitchen, and the brunette in a dungeon for later. Really smart for caster to include that too. Though her taste in torture implements was odd, very few blades, an over abundance of candles, a rack that had for some reason been styled as a horse, and the wall held a shelf of odd rubber clubs of various sizes and thicknesses. At least she had a bunch of whips, gags, and threatening looking (if completely confusing to you) devices but that was a bit offset by the silk ropes, feathers, and padded leather straps.

Well differing tastes in torture aside the place was great.

You're currently laying on your bed cuddling your new body pillow. No way were you going to let this girl leave your side! Your head snuggles into chest where the smell is most pleasant, arms wrapped around her waist. You simple relax there, comforted by the lovely smell. Eventually though the combination of it, her warmth, the bed, and the screams and shouts coming from other parts of the castle lull you into a blissful slumber.

~~~​

Awareness didn't return quickly, you'd first notice something warm yet oh so comfortable wiggling beside you. Your brain doesn't really register it, just deciding to enjoy the presence. You'd spent quite a while like that, somewhere between reality and dreams. But eventually the memories return, slowly though. Oh that's right you had escaped the void. You have new minions. ...And now you have the most wonderfully comforting bedwarmer~ On that thought you snuggle a bit closer. She eeps.

You look up into her eyes from where your head is positioned in the center of her chest, between two very soft and warm pillows. She doesn't seem to realize or remember what has happened. She seems pretty scared. You give her your comforting smile. Something you only bare recall ever using, only ever before you had gone down the path of death.

[Q]Last night was amazing~

Oddly this doesn't cause her to relax in the slightest, quite the opposite.



[X]Let's just stay like this all day~
[X]Let's go get breakfast. Off to test out our new cooking slave!
[X]Let's see what this world has to offer. A day on the town, with our new friend of course!
[X]Let's get some more information. Discussions with Rin and Caster.
[X]Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

On the bed the two of you rest. While your partner is tense you're very much relaxed. A sigh escapes and you snuggle closer, something that causes her to twitch. Very relaxed indeed. You don't bother to keep track of time while enjoying yourself, you doubt you could either way even had you wanted to. Your partner doesn't voice a complaint though and too begins to slacken up a bit.

You like this feeling. It makes you happy, fulfilled, it's... light and fluffy. Not at all like the pleasure you get from causing death and pain. That was hot, passionate, it filled you to the bursting point and just consumed you! An ecstasy that felt like fire yet sent shivers down your spine, and left you feeling emptied but left with echos of it afterwards. This though... You'd felt it before, you know, but you can't truly recall it, the memory escaping your clawing grasp like wisps of smoke. It wasn't hot like being on fire, it was warm like sitting next to one. It felt more... filling, like having finished a large and lovely meal, but not overly stuffed. It wrapped around you like a blanket, not smothering, you felt sleepy though not tired. It was odd, ...but you liked it.

You're smiling, you can't help it. Not that would hold back a smile though, you tended to be pretty frank. But the one gracing you is neither the blood thirsty grin nor the smug grin that have been the only smiles to grace your face since before time itself. You aren't sure what it looks like, it just doesn't really feel like either.

Sadly your little moment of happiness is interrupted by none other than yourself. A rather deep and loud rumbling emanates from kingly belly completely killing the mood. Silence reigns for a moment as you try and deny that the last 5 seconds actually happened. Who knows, maybe the universe had finally gotten around to crowning you the new god and actually heed your call. A second even deeper growl killed that hope, oh who ever is Overseer of this little rock was going to pay for ignoring your orders when you find them. Pay you say!

With a rueful sigh you reluctantly disengage yourself from your comfortable new pillow. It wouldn't do any good to ignore your hunger, it'd just ruin your ability to enjoy that curious new feeling. Besides it'd be a great opportunity to test out your new cooking slave! You wipe some drool from your mouth as you imagine the kinds of tasty foods you could force him to make you. You ponder simply summoning him to your room to make your demands but dismiss it, for some reason it strikes you as... distasteful. With a shrug, ignoring the oddity, you throw off the covers and make your way of the bed, scanning the room to find the cloths you had haphazardly discarded the night before.

[Q]Get dressed, we're heading down for breakfast.

You don't bother to look at her when addressing the girl, much to busy trying to find your pants. From the squeak of the springs in the bed she obeyed anyway. Now where could... Oh! You look up and find them dangling from the nifty chandelier overhead. As you retrieve them you find an odd lacy piece of triangular cloth on them. You remember them being worn by your pet, though you can't fathom the purpose they hardly seemed like they'd be comfortable being worn were you had found them. You unconsciously play with them for a bit, curious about what this is, it's oddly stretchy for cloth and the quality is remarkable! It felt like silk, but such an expensive commodity to be thrown away on one of these what ever they are? As you try to get a better look at it you hear a gasp behind you and turn to find your previous night's bedmate staring at you wide eyed, open mouthed, and redfaced.

[Q]...Why aren't you dressing like I told you?

You pose the question getting tired of her gaping. Sure a bit hypocritical as you too had stopped to play with the odd bit of silk but hypocrisy was the privilege of having world shattering power!

"Ah..." She stammers a bit before turning her gaze down and pointing at the garment in your hands and near your face, "I-I will need th-hose back..." It was less a demand and more a whimpered statement of fact.

With a shrug you toss the offending piece of clothing at her which she barely manages to catch and holds to her chest for a moment all the while looking like she'd simply pass out at any moment. Then she raises one leg to put it into the hole. Shooting one last look at the white thing your turn and shake your head.

Honestly, kids these days and their weird fashions. Won't catch me ever wearing something like that...

~~~​

You and your pillow make it to the dinning hall in little time. You stop just short of the opened heavy oak doors happily surprised to catch a wiff of wonderful things being prepared beyond the doors, you'd been expecting to have to remind him who was in charge. It's always so nice to get such a complacent minion. You can hear sounds coming through too.

"Say ahh~"

"If you would simply let me go I could feed myseHNYAAAA!"

"Tut tut, back talk means punishment, you should know that by now. Unless that means Seiba-chan wants me to punish her~

"Wha-what!? How dare you insinuate such things about me you perverted wiMUNYAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Do you want another lesson in manners Seiba-chan? ...I though so. ...You turns Soichirou-sama! Say Ahhhn~"

"...Seriously what. the. fuck? *grumblegrumble* First I wake up in a... then when I make it outside I'm in a fucking CASTLE that definitely didn't exist 12 hours ago. Could have escaped by myself but noooo I just had to play the hero and come back for Emiya. Why were you even cooking in the first place? I swear you just seem to pick the most retardedly suicidal option every time! Where you dropped on your head as a child!?"

"Tohsaka..."

[Q]His cooking is actually the only reason you and him are still alive. But go ahead and run if you want...
[Q]I could go for some target practice~

You're pleased to see their faces pale as you step out grinning from behind the doors, though the girl makes an odd face when your pillow follows. You walk up and around the table towards the large seat at the head taking the time to study the room. Red-black, er Tohsaka and your Food Slave are sitting on her own side while your two minions and prisoner sit on the opposite. Saber sits on one side of Caster while the other seat is filled by a stoic Soichiro. Caster is feeding him something you don't quite recognize, it's quite the amusing site to see the seemingly unflappable man being hand feed by a gushing woman. Saber... her situation apparently hadn't changed since Caster had fetched her out of the rubble for you, she's still tied up though she while still annoyed she seems much less angry about the situation, likely having accepted it. You make it to your seat and plop down, when your pillow heads towards another you grab her arm and pull her in to sit next to you. No way are you going to let her away from you! The head chair, while comfortably large for one let alone someone your size wasn't quite made to fit two, so rather than sitting next to you the girl is partially sitting in your lap. Probably an odd sight as she's taller but you don't care, you lean your head on her shoulder and just relax a bit. Her wonderful smell mixes with the scent of expertly prepared food so delightfully~

You catch her eye and motion your head towards the newlywed idiots. She doesn't seem to get it at first but seems to catch you drift and begins to load up a plate for the two of you with a blush on her face. Ah, it's good to be king. However before you could begin on your food that Red-black girl interrupts with a question.

"So if Emiya-kun here was kidnapped to be your chef," The boy seems a bit annoyed at having been put on the spot but his companion ignores him, "Than why did you bother with taking me? And for taking Sakura?" You feel the girl in your lap involuntarily tense a bit at being called out though relaxes almost the same second. With a shrug you answer, not like it mattered.

[Q]Because I felt like it, I don't need any other reason. I do as I do when I do and nothing can stand in my way.
[Q]Besides, I still want to know just how sweet your screaming voice is~

While pleased at how she flinched back you can't help but be disappointed at the lack of blood draining from her face. In fact more just seemed to be gather there. Not to mention the stupid slack jawed look, well you can take a bit of pleasure in how funny it is. Perhaps the girl was... soft, in the head. Would explain why she thought to threaten you with jewelry of all things when you first arrived. Meh, still better than a Sepp anyway.

[Q]As for Sakura...

You take the moment to bite into some proffered food from said girl. It's delicious as you expected. Fruity though, which you aren't used to. Heaphnes wasn't a kind environment for the weaker plants, Hotpods were practically the only thing that could be farmed in quantities large enough for populated areas. It was a good thing Hotpods were so fucking delicious, fruits could go fuck themselves and rot in plant hell if it meant more hotpods. Still it was an acceptable substitute.

[Q]She just smelled so delectable I had to have her.
[Q]It was quite fortunate I did too. The girl makes for an excellent bedmate~

Redblack spits out the orange drink she had been in the middle of chugging while your chef nearly chokes on his those weird wooden sticks he was using instead of normal silverware, having bitten right though the lesser eating implement. Your pillow almost seems to glow red and nearly drops your next bite of food. Even your first minions look at you.

[Q]What?



[X] Conversation! Pick a topic any topic~
[X] Find out what all the racket is outside.
[X] And destroy it. Preferably with excessive power.
[X] Explore the town! But who to take?
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

Growing tired of the awkward silence and odd looks that your minions were giving you, you decide to take it upon yourself to restart the conversation. Nudging Sakura to remind her of just why your having her share your seat you pose the question you had been slightly curious about.

[Q]So tell me more about this "Holy Grail".
[Q]What exactly do you want it for?

You had been given a run down of the basics last night over dinner at the now destroyed Emiya household. Once every 60 years 7 mages would come to the city you have now unofficially claimed to battle for the Holy Grail, a "Crystallized Miracle" capable of granting any wish. And apparently, just for the hell of it they each summon the ghost of a hero, a Heroic Spirit, who's deeds in life had been epic enough to posthumously engraved their names onto the world itself for all eternity. They would each battle until the last team standing and claim the Grail and their wish. Other than that there were no rules, to bars held, nothing to tide the horrible nightmarish things people would do for just the hope of an absolute wish. It was needlessly theatrical, over complicated, exceptionally deadly to everyone even remotely involved, and a chaotic mess that threatened to destroy itself. It was just tooperfect, you couldn't have been summoned to a better place! Even had you been content to laze back and watch the bugs it would have provided entertainment. Now though you've entered into the equation, some meddling might be necessary to provide a good show.

You had also been briefed on the other servants. One of which was your first pet, Caster, who was of a class famed as being gods among magicians during the time when magic was at it's peak. Needless to say this didn't really give you high hopes for the rest. Then there was Archer, who were famed for their bows (not that it wasn't obvious from the name). Give how the one you fought had used swords either the Redblack bitch was spewing crap or her servant was probably defective. Lancers used lances, something about being agile too. Riders who of course ride things, Assassins who where of course assassins, Berzerkers who were mindless and strong, and Sabers who used swords. ...They really should look into getting someone with more imagination than a particularly stupid rock to name their stuff.

You eat the food offered by Sakura and take a look around the room once again, unfortunately the silence hasn't left though at least they aren't staring like imbeciles anymore. Still you asked them a question, and you aren't going to allow your minions to ignore you.

[Q]Caster, I take it that this war is the reason you chose to summon me here.

The blue hair woman flinches a bit at being put on the spot and your intense stare. Out of the corner of your eye you notice that both Redblack and Saber are giving her shocked looks, Shirou is confused, and Soichirou stops eating. You just continue to glare at the witch impatiently waiting for her answer, while not phrased as a question it was a wordless unsubtle command for answers. Caster seemed to understand that too.

"That is... not entirely inaccurate, but not completely true either," She begins, smoothing her dress and regaining composure, "I had initially been hoping to exploit a loophole in the grail system, in that only 6 servants had been summoned. The last would have been Assassin, though I deemed the class too weak so adjusted the ritual to summon a servant into a stronger class already summoned, the servant Saber.

"What would have happen regardless of class though would be the summoning of a nameless wraith to imitate a fictional hero rather than," She motions to you, "I have no idea what could have caused this, and I know for certain that you are not what I had initially summoned, in fact I had been sure I had succeeded at first. Though that assumption had been proven wrong when the young man appeared to be eaten from the inside out not even 30 seconds later." Caster sighs a bit and uses her fork to play with the eggs on her plate, "Though it pains me to admit, I have no idea why you are here, as far as I know the summoning had been preformed flawlessly and what lead to your... arrival was something else entirely. You are not a Wraith, nor a servant, nor close to anything I can ever recall encountering."

Well that was... not really very enlightening. Other than learning that Caster had not been meaning to free you none of the rest of the information was of any value or significance. Well for you at least, Redblack however is openly gaping at Caster as if the woman had just revealed that she was the younger girls mother. Which reminds you...

[X]While we're on the subject I would like to lay downs some rules. Rule 1) Breeding in the castle is prohibited.

Redblack, and to a lesser degree everyone else, seem surprised at your announcement. Odd, you wonder why this would come as a shock, after all why would you ever allow them to bring annoying little poop smelling constantly crying life into the world? And to let it into your brand new castle, this is the center for a blood thirsty regime not a daycare! Bad enough that those blasted unions restricted the torture hours from 24 to 22 now they wanted babysitting that didn't end with a nice bar-b-Que. You were the Devoirlord, who would fear for their puny lives when you had those little shit stains running round your castle messing up your digs?

[Q]I'm pretty laid back, if you guys for what ever asinine reason feel the desire to propagate your worthless little meatbag species by all means proceed. I couldn't give two fucks about what you little sacks of shit do with your free time, but as I'm not running a brothel; don't bring it into my castle.
Well, maybe if they smothered their spawn in gravy and served it to you with a side of mashed hotpods but that would likely defeat the purpose of why they procreated in the first place.

"Wh-What does that have to do with anything!?" Poor poor simple minded Redblack, can't even follow such an easy to read line of thought. Perhaps it was your fault for believing that she could have the mental facilities to understand words with more than a single syllable. "Hey what's with that superior look? Don't give me that face like you're humoring a child!"

[Q]Rule 2) Wipe your feet before entering the castle. I've no patients to waste on slobs.

"What, hey! Go back to that first one we're not through with it!"

[Q]Rule 3) Lights out is at 10 pm sharp.

"Dammit, don't just ignore me!"

[Q]Rule 4) Clean up after yourselves around the castle, it's just common courtesy and will make your force cohabitation all that much more comfortable.
[Q]I know I shouldn't even have to say it but the last group I had were just a bunch of pigs. Pinott kept leaving his feathers everywhere and I swear Shauna never once cleaned up the shower after she used it, coulda made a wig out of all that hair!

"Wait, why do these sound like the rules to live in a dorm?"

[Q]Rule 5) Pets are allowed but are the responsibility of the owner. If you want to keep one you are gonna have to be the one to clean, feed, and exercise it. You hear that Caster? If Saber starts clawing up the furniture or shits on the carpet you better fix it before I get back or she's getting the boot!

"Hey!" You ignore the bound girl, the important thing is that Caster agrees. Good, the last thing you need is another Trisha to mess up your brand new castle.

[Q]Rule 6) Once a week, starting this Sunday, will be Minion Bonding Time and attendance is mandatory on threat of 'your head aslpode' got it?

A quick glare around the room made sure that everyone indeed 'Got it'. You take the opportunity to partake of more of Sakura's offered food before continuing to the last rule.

[Q]Rule 7) No violence in the castle. Any attempts to murder, maim, cripple, disfigure, or attack either me or your fellow labor monkeys will be punished by either Reduced, retracted, or even Negative salary.

"What the hell? Why does that last one sound tacked on!?" Redblack complains again, girl is worse than Caster you swear, "Do you have some kind of screw up priorities like Emiya? And why just a reduced sal-" She paused mid-rant abruptly than whipped with her head to face you. A-are her eyes actually sparkling? "Salaries you say, how much are we talking about here?"

[Q]We aren't talking anything at all. You don't get paid anything.

You raise a hand to preemptively silence her expected outburst. You then gesture to both of your first minions, Shirou, and nod to Sakura (again taking the time to grab another bite of offered food).

[Q]They are minions, vassals, underlings, etc. They get the Gold package which has a very large pay rate plus a host of benefits including but not limited too: Dental, Insurance, Sick leave, Maternity, and incentive bonuses on predetermined villainous acts!

You then point to Redblack and Saber.

[Q]You two unfortunately only qualify for the Brown package, reserved for prisoners, pets, and door to door salesmen. Benefits include and are definitely limited too: Zero or negative pay, a no expense payed non-refusable stay in our most horrible dungeon, random infliction of cruel and unusual torture upon your person, 27 hour workdays, zero days off, reverse vacation, and immediate execution revival and reexecution if you ever try to sell me your company's shitty products.

The two could only stare at you in mute shock.

[Q]My apologizes if your new job is not what you imagined it but they were the only available positions. We are an up and coming company, expanding interdenominationally, and experiencing rapid growth in all sectors, if you wanted a better contract than you should have sought us out earlier before all the higher positions were filled. But please sit tight, with time and effort I'm sure you can advance all the way up to Slave or even whipping boy! If you have any questions please refer to these pamphlets.

You hand both of them a couple inch thick scrolls labeled 'So you've been enslaved against your will by an Overlord: A beginners guide to dealing with your new lord and master' and 'The Prinny Manifesto: How to make your 3 pennies a year work for you!'. Caster ended up having to take Saber's seeing as she was still tied up, Rin however just refused hers.

"The hell I'm going to accept that! I didn't ask for this!"

[Q]If you would like I could summon my HR department to deal with this if you think you deserve a higher grade package...

"Of course I deserve better," Redblack seems to have an odd lilt in her voice as she's speaking, "And I would just love to see you summon your HR department."

"Uh, Rin I don't thing you should-"

[Q]Excellent. BOB!

With an effort of will you summon the appropriate vassal. With a snap of your fingers he appears behind your chair of to the side. Almost immediately the smell penetrates your nose. The rest of your minions, sans Mr. Stoic of course, appear shocked. You don't really blame them, Bob, you see, was a Zombie.

It had happened in one particularly odd reset when you thought to try and recreate Ghestal's condition in other corpses. Needless to say it failed enjoyably! The resulting insult to all that was good and innocent in the world had escaped it's cell and infected a nearby town and provided quite a bit of entertainment for you as it infected most of the country. Needless to say you wiped them all out when it got boring but you kept a few that peaked your interest. Bob was one of them. Being soulless abominations with rotting flesh and a hunger for human flesh you had decided to put them to work in your just then invented bureaucratic department. Seeing as Bob showed pleasure in the pain of his victims rather than just sustaining himself off their misery you had made him the head of your Human Resources department.

[Q]Howdy Bob, how're the kids?

"Braaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssss...." Several of your companions reel back in combination of his gravelly voice and horrible breath.

[Q]Oh to shreds you say? How's your wife, Murial I think, holding up?

"Braaaiiinnnnnnss"

[Q]Too shreds you say? Well let me be the first to congratulate you on the good news Bob. But onto business; this girl here seems to think she's been misplaced to a lower level...

"Braaaaiiinns..." Oh god you can feel the headache this is gonna cause already. You lower your head and massage your temples

[Q]Yes, so I will be needing Forms 777.893 and 664.938(z) then? In triplicate? ...of course.

"Braaaaiiiinnnnssss?"

[Q]Of course the abridge versions Bob, what do you think I pay you for. I swear if you didn't make everyone else so miserable I'd have set you on fire a long time ago.

"Brrraaaaaiiinnnnnnnnsssssss."

[Q]What? Of course I pay you Bob! You check is just in the mail.

"Brains!"

[Q]Because the last time I gave it to you in person you got brains all over my new rug! Do you know how many Redflanks it took to make that thing?

Snatching large stack of paper out of his hands you dismiss your minion back to where ever the hell he had been before he could protest. Best not to let him speak to much lest you give in and let him have that raise, the bastard had a hell of a way with words. Thankfully Bob seemed to have remember to wear his gloves this time seeing as the several foot high stack of paper was not stained in horrible fluids not smelled of rotten meat. You toss the bricks to land in front of Redblack with a loud bang.

[Q]Fill that out and return it to me, in 3 to 6 weeks we'll see if you qualify for a promotion.

"What, no! I didn't, That was a jo-" You ignore the girl however as you remember something important. You open your mouth wide and reach inside. After a bit of rummaging you pull out what your were looking for, 4 large sacks, 3 about the size of your head and the fourth being about the size of your torso. You set one of the smaller ones in front of you for Sakura, and toss the other two to Caster and Soichirou, the largest is thrown in Shirou's directions. He did in fact catch it, though apparently greatly underestimated it's weight, and fell backwards from the momentum and spilled it's contents. Gold, Silver, various jewels and precious metals, and spices litter the floor, you frown. He better clean that up. You turn your attention back on Rin.

[Q]I'm sorry you were saying?

"...So 3 to 6 weeks then?"




[X] Off to explore the town!
[X] Off to slaughter the town!
[X] Off to random city to begin conquest!
[X] Seriously what the hell is that racket outside.
[X] Write in.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

DOMINATION

You sit back and enjoy the feeling of dominating 3 new slaves. There's nothing quite like that deep soul satisfying feeling of having someone's life literally in the palm of your hand. Sure you can kill anyone quite easily, but it just doesn't give as much satisfaction as the knowledge they've submitted completely to your will.

You ignore the shivering of your minions to enjoy the rest of your breakfast, still hand fed to you by your new favorite companion. It passes in relative silence, the occasional food offers of Caster to her pet and husband, and said pets protests and indignant squeals. Redblack just fills out the paper work stack that's half her height.

[Q]...

[Q]...

[Q]What the hell is that noise?

It's like hundreds of swords swinging at once, over and over. Only not. You can't quite describe it, just that it's very similar to the sound of a blade cutting through the air at high speed, just on an infinite loop. You also hear the buzzing of the insignificant bugs nearby, quite a bit too.

You didn't really expect an answer, but almost immediately Caster pulls out a large orb from seemingly nowhere. A few whispered words and an image appears. And with it the faces of of everyone save you and Soichirou pale. You can't really see why though, even prior to your rise you doubt it'd be considered frightening in the least. Although those odd flying contraptions looked interesting.

[Q]So... What am I looking at?

~~~​

"So far no further information is available..."

"...Appeared over the city of Fuyuki in a single night..."

"...Mass destruction, citizens are still panicking..."

"...rumored disappearances and explosion late last night. Videos of the incident have been uploaded though sources claim them faked and many were taken down..."

"It's fucking aliens! Demons from hell! The end of the world! We're all gonna die! Please stay tuned for more as it developed."

The young man followed the woman farther away from the crowd towards the ominous looking building, far closer than anyone was even allowed after the local law enforcement cordoned the area off until it could be settled. He wasn't payed enough for this. Well he didn't get paid at all, he should really look into remedying that.

"Haruhi I really think you should reconsider this." He asked once again. Not that he really expected a new answer from the ridiculously stubborn girl, but one can always hope.

"Oi, I already gave you a chance to leave, don't go chickening out on me now!" She'd offered the ultimatum of him going with her or just giving the girl his camera so she could go by herself. Damn his sense of Chivalry! Damn it all!, "Good, now hurry up Kyon, we're almost to the edge of the woods!"

He grumble complaints as he continued to follow the crazy girl. Not for the first time he questioned why he still bothered. For some reason the girl knew just the right buttons to press to keep him around despite her rather lackluster people skills. That and being strong enough to physically drag him along if he actually refused. She hadn't change in the slightest since highschool, in fact he was certian her own adventure seeking had actually gotten worse. It was probably why she was now an investigative reporter for a local tabloid as well as forced him to be her partner/Cameraman/slave.

There goes my hopes for the future down the drain.

"I don't see why we can't just stay with the rest of the anchors"

"Kyon have you no sense of adventure!" Christ, watch your voice woman, that was right in the ear! "Kyon this is a once in a life time opportunity, a real mysterious entity is right before us and you want to go back with the rest of the rabble and play it safe? For shame Kyon, and you call yourself a member of the SOS dan? It's our duty to investigate this Evil over lord looking castle and report it back for prosperity! 'Never look before you leap!'"

You got I backwards!

"Oh come on don't pretend like you aren't curious too. Disappearances, strange property damage, a mysterious fire in the past, and a giant explosion of black light the other. Don't you just want to know what's happening?"

She's right he reluctantly gives her. After all it's human nature to want to know. But so was self-preservation. And everything she'd listed was like a neon sign advertising an all express paid one way ticket to the beginning of a horror anime! He might be curious but not at the cost of his life!

"Bah, nothing ventured nothing gained Kyon." He does notice that she'd being more cautious in her approach to the pit. He smirks, which causes her to blush at being so easily read, "Oh what's the worst that can happen."

In most genre things follow certain rules, The Rules of Drama, almost like physical laws. Hero's only arrive right at the nick of time, everything brought to attention is plot important in some way, and saying something like "What's the worst that can happen?" generally only ends horrible for the questioner and everyone else in the party. He was sure that had this been a real horror movie than the moment she finished the words all hell would break loose right next to them as the Rules of Drama proved her wrong via irony.

This was not a movie however. That is why nothing happened the moment she finished her chastisement.

No. It happened in the middle of it.

The wall five to the right of the door (his right) simply disappeared, consumed by an inky blackness that was passed withing feet of their position, directly behind the still speaking girl. It made no sound, it didn't even disturb the air, for that single second it was just as if all light had disappeared from the area. Then the black wall passed and air rushed in. He could only stair in shock at what it had left.

"Huh what's the matter Kyon, something on my face," When he didn't answer she checks behind her, "THis better not be some stu-"

Utter decimation. Nothing that had touched the black light had survived. A large stretch of the forest simply ceased to be, along with the ground. A long perfectly straight wound was all that remained. Both promptly fell on their asses.

[Q]Tch, missed.

The voice wasn't loud but it seemed to carry to the couple now sitting on the floor, who turned to see what had made it. Were the wall had been, staring at them, was a small red haired child. A girl, wearing some weird outfit like out of an anime, holding a sword easily twice her size and glaring in their direction.

"Dammit there was a door!" A blue hair woman stomps up behind her. Her voice was loud enought to carry over to them.

[Q]No time!

"It was right in front of you!" She yells at her younger companion mid flight. "Literally! It was 2 feet right in front of you!"

You touch down from your jump in front of the two kids, no doubt floor by your magnificence. One of them is holding one of those odd devices like the others. A camera, as Rin had described it. Sort of like a reverse scrying crystal, sending images to those "televotions" that you saw in the city. Apparently with this and something called "interwebs" (which Shirou explained was "like a series of tubes...", "for porn", and inhabited by trolls and men disguised as women and children) information could go around the globe at near instant speeds.

You were honestly impressed with the meatbags here, weak though they may be they sure knew how to live! Which reminded you, you should really get Caster to put in some Teevee and Come-pooters for you when you force her to fix the castle. You weren't entirely sure what this porn thing was but apparently Rin didn't like Shiro talking about it which only made you even more curious as to what it was. Something for later though.




[X] Eradicate the trespassers!
[X] This an excellent time to tell the world just who the boss is now!
[X] Not time! Go get Teevee and Interwebs now!
[X] Write in.

Also: I'd like to whether Haruhi and Kyon should be the real ones or just similar substitutes.

 

[Master of Squirrel-fu]

Rin was not a happy magus.

Rin wasn't even an ambivalent magus.

Rin was an unhappy magus. A very unhappy magus.

She marched down the street well ahead of her little enterague, and most importantly away from the source of her displeasure. Rin's marching stopped when she no longer heard the sound of foot steps behind her. For several moments she refused to look back. If she did she was fairly sure she'd give herself a stroke. ...again.

"Emiya," She called back while looking forward, "If you don't get your... friend moving I swear death will be preferable to what I will do to you."

After nearly a minute the foot steps returned and Rin continued her march down the dark creepy street towards the dark creepy church. Really, how rude could the duo be? She was only leading them there because she needed to head to the church in the first place. It was a simple bit a common courtesy, she was only doing it because it was convenient and no other reason!

Still, thinking of the church only aggravated her more reminding her of her rather lack luster performance in this once in a life time event. Day one, already out. The fact that she was techincally the second eliminated didn't much sooth the shameful sting of failure. If she could turn around without exploding in rage she'd shoot the target of her ire quite a glare. Emiya was at best a 3rd rate magus, yet somehow the boy had against all odds and common sense summoned a hero ridiculous quality. Sabers were already the strongest class, but Rin was certain that the redhead (the servant not Emiya) was in a class all her own.

She and her Archer had arrived only just in time to witness a black light shoot into the sky out of the Emiya courtyard. She'd later been told that the little redheaded servant had done so by pointed at the airborn Lancer with the sharp end of her sword. Rin looked up at the sky and the crescent moon hanging overhead. It should have been full, less than an hour ago it had been. Rin esitmated about 90 percent of the moon had been vaporized, she was fairly sure that would have some consequences later. In the mean time she stepped up to the church door and knocked.

After a wait, just long enough to annoy but not enough that one would turn away, the door opened to reveal that damned Fake Priest with his fake smile. Pleasentries were given and he gestured for her to enter. She did the same with her trailing acquaintances. She showed them to the center of the church where the priest would explain the situation to Emiya and his friend. But rather than stop the smaller girl continued walking, shoving past both rin and shirou to stand in front of Kotomine with a nasty glare. The priest only offered his usual smug grin in return. Rin paled.

"You," she growled out. Her fists clenched and her head lowered.

"Yes?"

"I like you!" The little girl's head shot up with a most manic grin, "Be mine!"

"I refuse."

And instantly the girls expression went from exited to a mix of disgust and disbelief. Rin felt a distinct sense of impending DOOM! "Uh, Kirei I think you should"

"Why not?" The little girl stamped her foot and glared up at the priest petulantly, "Being my husband would be awesome!"

"I'm afraid I'm a man of the cloth," The priest 'soothed', "And those who vow to serve the church are not allowed to marry."

The girl stared at him for a moment before nodding and turning around to walk out the door. After a few moments no one was sure what to do before Rin recalled why they were there in the first place. It'd probably be easier to take care of with out the little annoyance.

Kirei was in the middle of mocking Emiya-kun about his life choices when the door slammed open. In the archway stood the girl who had exited a few minutes prior. She walked up to the priest a threw a large hat at his feet. The headware, once white and fancy was not soaked in gore. Rin could only stare at the rather famous piece of clothing.

"Your church should not have denied me," She announced, "But now there is nothing to stop you from being mine!"

"Sadly that is still impossible," Kirei did not look intimidated, rather he didn't look any more concerned about the situation than he ever was, "You see while my vows were to the church I am but a humble servant of God."

The girl stared at him for a moment.

"I see." Rin felt a chill go down to her soul at those words. The girl once again walked outside. Within moments the brunette's prediction of Terrible Things, was proven correct as a horrible screech asailed all their ears and the ground quacked, she swore it even got a little darker ouside. After a minute the chaos stopped and soon after the girl walked back in, her sword unshiethed and bloody.

"I have murdered your god," Wow, that was somehow even more horrifying that what Rin'd first thought it would be, "By right I now own you, You are mine!"

The priest just smiled down at her.

"I'm gay."

And then the world burned.