Taylor Hebert
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It was after Kali left for the day, the orange and golden light of the setting sun was shining through the curtains that I decided to just get some rest. Mainly to skip the rest of this exhausting day.
Rolling over to my side while pulling the annoying hospital blanket around me. Closing my eyes, I drift to sleep, relaxing and attempting to clear my mind...
Instead, I lay there, trying to get to sleep for what feels like
hours. My mind always thinking, jumping from thought to thought.
Does Kali hate water?
What type of feature does Kali's boyfriend have?
Why shouldn't I give Kali a chance?
Is the library here all scrolls?
I don't think I can handle another Kali?
Why am I upset that I'm alive?
Over and over again, my mind refuses to quit. That last thought I refuse to touch, for now, there's too much to unpack behind it.
Eventually, I roll over onto my back, frustrated with my overactive mind and open my eyes only to see my room has been completely swallowed by darkness.
Forsaking sleep, for now, I sit up and rest my arm in my lap with a sigh. Running my hand through my hair yields some stubborn knots that I'll need to comb out. An idle thought of if I should get my haircut flies through my mind and is dismissed just as quickly. It's… all I have left of home besides my memories.
Clenching my fist, I find I'm getting genuinely
angry at myself. What is
wrong with me?! I was
never this reminiscent, not even when I needed an anchor as Khepri, so why now?!
If only I had my swa-
My fist goes slack and I just stare at my lap, shocked it was so simple. It makes so much sense. From the time I discovered that I could shunt my emotions into my swarm, had I really been relying on it to that extent?
No, I don't think I had, all I did was push the emotions I didn't want to deal with…
Oh. Fuck.
Sighing heavily, I fall back onto the bed with a soft thump, my arm resting above my head as my mind is abuzz with what this means. Did I do things I normally wouldn't have done if I wasn't deadening my emotions? Gone further than I should have?
What does it say about me that I functioned better b
ecause I felt less,
cared less?
That I never dealt with anything.
Now, without a swarm… I have to deal with it all, every regret, every mistake, every person I hurt or killed along the way.
There's no swarm, so no more pushing it off till later.
I feel laughter bubbling up in my throat, a broken, sad laugh. Ruthlessly suppressing it, I squeeze my eyes shut, ignoring the hot tears that run down my cheeks.
The funny part is that for all my strength, even after realizing what I put aside all the time… I want my swarm back.
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The next morning, after I eventually got to sleep later in the night has me glaring at an overeager and chipper Kali.
While I understand that logically, she had no way of knowing I had some trouble sleeping last night. I'll still hold her accountable for waking me up via bursting through my door, a loud greeting on her lips.
I'm nursing the rather nice coffee she brought both of us, but even her bribe doesn't lessen my glare. The worst bit is that she seems to outright enjoy my reaction.
Rolling my eyes while taking another sip of the bitter and creamy drink, she sees fit to grace me with her announcement for the day that I know is coming, "So! Are you ready to meet Ghira today?!"
Instead of a response, I take another sip of my coffee. But when I see her ears droop at my lack of reaction, I sigh and ask conversationally, "Do I
have an option?"
The wide smile I see on her face clearly says that no, I don't have an option. But her words are different, "Of course you do, Taylor!"
Rolling my eyes again, I let out a huff of a laugh, giving my opinion of that.
With a slight sigh, Kali continues while moving to sit down next to me on the bed, "You don't have to be nervous Taylor." I don't move over. It might be petty, but I'm feeling more than a little grumpy this morning.
Though, what's slightly surprising is when Kali meets my eyes as I'm about to take another sip of my half-empty coffee. Her smile falls into a more thoughtful and serious expression, one I haven't thought she honestly wasn't capable of yet here it is, "Ghira is a good man, Taylor. He only has the best intentions for others and he also has experience dealing with complicated people like us." she finishes and I freeze.
"What do you mean,
'like us'?" I demand, disbelief and confusion coloring my voice.
'Complicated' is not what I'd call Kali. She's annoyingly chipper, full of energy, and caring. However, she hasn't shown much evidence of being much more complex than that. Sure, there's the knowing looks and the sense of familiarity that I suppose I could count as 'complex' about her. But If I'm being honest with myself, envisioning the matronly woman in front of me as anything but a woman in love with life and her man is fairly difficult for me.
She gives me another infuriatingly understanding look as she nods slightly, "I know. It's hard to believe, but just a few years ago, I was a not a very happy person." she tells me and I quirk an eyebrow, wondering where she's going with this.
"It was only because of Ghira that I was able to be the happy woman that I longed to be." The catwoman states, her smile slowly returning. But when she sees my unamused look, her smile falls once more.
She continues solemnly, "I've seen my share of action, made my share of regrets, and plenty of mistakes. I know I can relate to who I think you are. That's why, when I ask you to trust Ghira and I to help you, know that I say that with the experience of taking a risk when it came to accepting help too." she finishes, gently putting her soft but callous hand on top of mine.
I was stunned, no response to what she said other than a shocked stare. This happy, caring, and all around loving woman was trying to relate to me?!
"How could you know…?" I choke out without thinking, not believing what I'd heard. I'd
tortured people,
killed people, I'd
used them as tools and threw them away without a second thought. In the end, I had to be fucking
executed to stop myself from becoming exactly what I'd killed!
It's only when Kali squeezes my hand that I realize I'd been trembling… with… with… what? I-I don't know, it's a confusing cocktail of emotions.
Anger? Sadness? Hope? Regret?
I'm unsure and I'm not sure I want to know which.
Gently taking my coffee cup out of my shaking hand, she then continues while my body tenses, so many emotions bubbling up it's hard to know what I'm feeling but I hear her voice. Her soft, kind voice, "I won't explain everything, not until Ghira gets here. It's still… hard to talk about myself and those times. Please, be patient and I promise, I'll show you that you're not alone in your hardship."
Finally feeling more under control from focusing on her words, I wrench my hand away from hers as if it burned me, "Fine. I'll wait." I state harshly, ignoring the small feeling in my gut that's too damn hopeful of not being alone in this.
We don't talk for hours afterward, blanketing the room with an awkward, choking silence.
Mercifully, it comes time for Kali to get Ghira. Indicated by a high pitched ping sound coming from her scroll.
She shoots out of her wooden chair, happily telling me, "Wait right here!" as if I would magically disappear before she got back.
When she opens the plain hospital door minutes later, she's turned around and looking behind her while giggling at something.
She guides who I assume to be her boyfriend in by the hand.
I had many expectations for Kali's boyfriend, a handsome business suit wearing big shot, a skinny ball of sunshine and rainbows, a house husband who stays home all day, or maybe a man that's the epitome of average.
But what walks in has me in awe- no, stunned definitely stunned. Ghira is so far removed from what I expected that I blink just to be sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me…
Where I expected a height around Kali's, if a bit taller, I instead have a mountain of a man that towers over even my taller than average stature. His features handsome but hard and rugged, complete with a bright smile. His midnight black medium length hair pulled back with the rest hanging around his shoulder. While his plain black t-shirt is practically painted onto his biceps and body, revealing he probably keeps himself in shape judging from all his muscles…
Muscles that a younger me would probably be blushing and fawning over, at least privately…
Focus, Taylor! Less thinking about his muscles and more the conversation at hand!
Blinking and focusing, I look up to meet his yellow eyes as he gives me that damn handsome smile, "So, you must be Taylor, Kali has told me so much about you, well, everything she knows that is." Ghira tells me, his voice a hint scratchy but still deep and rumbling to go with the rest of him, his smile turning more into a little amused smirk, he continues, "It's a pleasure to meet you, introductions are in order. My name is Ghira Belladonna, I'm the head of this cities militia and the lover of my precious Kali."
I can see why he's in command, he certainly looks the part, not to mention I imagine getting chewed out by him of all people must be a terrifying prospect for most.
My gaze switching to a very smug Kali has me thinking my reaction wasn't as well hidden as I'd have liked, "It's nice to meet you, Ghira." I say in a clipped tone, finally in control of myself after having been surprised so thoroughly.
Wanting to get this over with, I voice some of my suspicions on why he's here, "I assume you're here to ask me something and not just for a meeting?" I ask, likely not wrong but better to not dance around it.
If anything, he looks even more amused for some reason as he closes the door behind him, "Indeed I do, Taylor." he admits and I nod, it's rather understandable, I wouldn't want a stranger in my home either.
"Despite my kitten's insistence, I do need to know more about you before I let you live with us," he says, only confirming my thoughts. Though, it is refreshing to see him having a seemingly good head on his shoulders. He wasn't just going along with Kali's wishes and isn't vilifying me so that's a start.
Kali picks up after this, lightly smacking his hard chest in mock indignation, "I didn't insist anything. Don't paint me as that impulsive dear."
Ghira gives a low chuckle, the sound rumbling through the room, "Yes, well, Taylor seems rather eager to get this over with so I wonder if she actually agreed to this instead of just allowing it?" he asks his girlfriend.
Her response is a glare aimed at him, diminished by the slight blush painting her face.
While Kali grumbles huffily to herself, I see her go and grab the two simple wooden chairs she prepared for his arrival and places them both next to each other to my right.
With a sigh, I get myself comfortable as they both banter a bit before taking their seats, Ghira's creaking slightly as he sits down.
Once seated, Kali seems to be willing to leave the speaking to her boyfriend as he begins again while leaning forward, one arm lying across his lap, "Now, please don't think this is an interrogation. If you wish to say no, you can and I won't hold it against you, understand?" Ghira says, starting off diplomatically and in contrast to Kali in nearly every way.
Nodding my understanding, I prepare myself as he asks his first question, "First off, I'd like to know if your memories have come back at all? I assume some have based on what Kali has told me?"
Meeting his yellow, non-judgemental, eyes and otherwise unreadable expression, I decide to give a bit more of the truth, "Yes, more than a few have. I remember most of my life, at least vaguely, but it's stripped of context. Places and things everyone should know about were lost I'm afraid. Though, still, no idea why I was in that desert." I finish, the series of partial lies and truths seeming to satisfy both of them as Kali smiles and Ghira gives a nod of understanding.
"Well, that answers a few of the questions I'd had," Ghira admits, chuckling a bit.
I don't react, letting him speak as I have nothing else to say.
When he does continue, his previously laughing demeanor is gone, "I assume you have no idea what a Huntress is then?"
Curious over what he mentioned and in the hopes of him revealing it I answer truthfully but plainly, "No."
He nods at my answer expectantly, "Why were you wearing armor if I may ask?" he asks and I keep my face and body not only relaxed but neutral as I answer, "I don't remember."
"I see," he says, musing more to himself than me and Kali.
He thinks in silence for a handful of moments, "Have you ever worked with a team?" Unbidden, memories are dredged up, both good and bad. I push them off, throwing them into a growing list of things to deal with in the future.
I attempt to maintain my emotionless expression but I know more shown through then I wanted when I see Ghira's eyes spark in interest, especially as I answer, "Yes. At one point. We… split up a while ago."
Following up on that apparent interest, Ghira fires off his next question, "Do you remember who attacked you, anything that might help find them?" his voice is clearly concerned, either about me being shot or a killer loose in his city, it's hard to tell.
But I expected this question, honestly surprised Kali hadn't asked it as I'd elected to tell the truth about this, no matter how confusing, "I don't know what she was to me." I answer plainly as if stating the obvious, and truthfully I didn't know what Contessa was to me. An ally of convenience maybe? I'm still not sure if shooting me simply served just another path she was on.
Kali actually follows up, concern etched on her face, "But why would she try to execute you?" she asks me, on the edge of her seat.
"I… don't really remember but I'm sure she had her reasons," I answer vaguely, knowing it makes me look a bit suspicious. They certainly don't need to know that she did it to keep me from becoming a true monster…
Ghira's features turn curious, "You trusted a woman… to execute you?" he asks in apparent interest.
Sighing, I simply nod, "I don't remember what her reasons were but I know I trusted her to do what was right."
Kali gasps, horror clearly visible while Ghira is stony-faced, "Are you suicidal?" he asks, not only blunt but saying it as if it's a simple benign question. Kali lightly slaps the side of Ghira in shock at the question's tactlessness.
My body tenses momentarily but I force myself to relax, "No. I'm not suicidal." I say with more vehemence than I intended, looking straight into his hard yellow eyes. Cursing my lack of a swarm for giving away my reaction, his question caught me off guard.
It's… not that I
want to die… Contessa chose to spare me for a reason, there has to be a reason she spared me and left me here.
I just need to find it.
My fist clenches slightly under the hospital blanket.
I'm
not suicidal. I just deserved to die for what I'd done.
But for some reason, Contessa decided I shouldn't.
Ghira leans forward on his chair, a certain intensity to him that makes even me a bit uneasy. His shift in mood causes me to sit up straighter, waiting for his question, "How do you feel about this?" The intensity never leaving his expression.
I blink, genuinely confused and thrown off guard once again, I blurt out, "Excuse me?"
He smirks yet is still just as serious as before, "How do you feel about all this? Kali, me, your situation, and this little question and answer session?" he explains succinctly.
Relaxing slightly, I… actually have to think on that, even though thinking seems to be all I'm doing lately.
Looking down at my lap briefly in thought, I'm… conflicted. Like parts of me are warring and in constant turmoil but I can't catch a breath.
It's always something. Even when I'm not doing anything, there's always some memory, some new revelation I'm just now making about myself. Not to mention the existence of my polar opposite, Kali.
She's so… wholesome, so open and honest that even the suspicious parts of her I'm almost willing to overlook for fuck sake! She… truly cares about me. No matter how hard a time I have wrapping my head around the
why, I know it's the truth. So why is it so damn hard to just accept that?
One of the things I know I want is right in front of me… yet I'm afraid. Afraid of feeling so vulnerable again so soon after everything was so recently ripped from me once more.
Instead of telling them everything bouncing around in my head like I want to, instead, I'm stuck between wanting to smile or cry.
"It's… complicated. I thought I knew. But now, now I'm not so sure." Is what finally escapes my suddenly dry mouth, the most truthful answer I've given since waking up here. I look into Ghira's hard yellow eyes, then glance to Kali's gold concerned ones.
Ghira leans back in his chair, making the wood creak from his sheer weight, his arms crossed as he digests my answer, his features softening as he ponders on what I assume is his verdict.
Looking to his girlfriend briefly, I follow his gaze to see her cat ears flat against her head, fidgeting slightly in her chair while a sad expression rests on her face.
He nods definitively then looks back to me and I'll admit, his nod and eyes have a sort of familiar weight to them. Like a leader deciding the fate of a subordinate. Something I'm more than familiar with.
The war that is my emotions flares up when Ghira leans forward, placing his elbows on both his knees, his eyes boring into mine. It doesn't intimidate me, but it does make me pay attention. Mostly out of respect for how he's treating me in this situation.
His deep yet scratchy voice stating plainly, "You are a cold woman, one full of paranoia, someone desperate for control." I involuntarily wince at such a blunt truth as well as upset how much I gave away without knowing.
"I know you're deliberately hiding things, things you wish to keep buried. However," I look at him suspiciously, especially when his lips twitch into a smile, "I believe you have a good reason and they shall be revealed in time. You may have flaws, but they are nothing that would keep me from welcoming you into our home for the foreseeable future." he finishes amid Kali nearly bursting into a happy dance, doing an abrupt reversal of her previous mood and I'll admit, I have to fight off the formation of a small smile at her antics.
Ghira is not celebrating though. He's evidently not finished as he raises his voice over his girlfriend's premature celebration, making her freeze in place, "To be crystal clear, Taylor." he starts, deep voice more neutral, "I trust you and wish to help you, make no mistake about that. But my generousness only goes so far. If you wish to stay with us, I expect you to do your part to help Menagerie. Are we clear?"
I nod, "Crystal."
He nods back, tone teasing now, "Good. While you likely felt… ahem, pressured, into living with us," he gets smacked lightly on the shoulder by a blushing Kali for his trouble, "I will leave the decision to you, despite my kittens' wishes. But before you decide, let Kali fill in some blanks for you on why she cares so much." he finally finishes.
She has come out of her frozen state and has retaken her seat by now upon seeing where the conversation was headed. I look to the catwoman in question, she's clearly apologetic, asking forgiveness with terribly good puppy dog eyes.
Expertly ignoring her sad display, I turn my attention to Ghira's offer. Because that's what it is, an offer. At first, I was set to go along with Kali's wishes, the path of least resistance.
Now I have to ask myself if I want to go along with them. The significance of this is not lost on me, Ghira wants to know he'll have a willing guest, someone who isn't guilted into staying.
Do I have much of a choice though?
I wouldn't like to have to steal and become a criminal here, but it is an option. I could tell them both to leave me alone, to never see me again in fact. I'm pretty certain they'd listen.
Yet I hesitate… I want to be alone, to figure out this new world and get my head on straight in peace, don't I?
Sighing internally, I think I already know the answer. But if I follow through on the hard way remains to be seen, I'm still promised an explanation from Kali.
Still ignoring Kali's eyes begging for forgiveness, I tell them my decision for now, "I'll hear Kali out first, then decide."
Giving up on her failing technique, Kali then takes a deep breath, as if preparing herself for something big. I patiently wait as her hand coming to intertwine with Ghira's much larger one. She turns to her boyfriend, they then have a silent conversation conveyed through looks until Ghira nods, "I think you should." he finally tells her and she seems to agree.
Hand still held in Ghira's, Kali's eyes take on a duller gold hue, "Taylor," Kali begins, visibly struggling with the words for a moment before she seems to find them, "I know how it seems to you. Please, trust me when I say that I'm intimately aware of just how alone you feel you are…" she pauses, gauging my reaction, her expression sorrowful but serious.
I… honestly don't know how to feel about this, all I can do is maintain my indifferent expression, giving nothing away. While I realize a part of me wants to trust her, a very small, hopeful part of me. One that exists despite the shit I've gone through. That doesn't change the fact that without my swarm I'm… uncertain I can keep my distance forever.
Something has to give.
Seeing the reaction she either expected or wanted, Kali continues, her shoulders slumping slightly and she looks much more… tired, almost exhausted as she talks, "Just… listen to what I have to say Taylor, that's all I ask. Can you promise me you'll do that?"
I watch as Ghira wraps his large arm around the shoulders of the much smaller Kali. I'm more than surprised, this is a side of Kali I never anticipated, it seemed too far off the range of possibility but here she is, evidently about to tell me why she and I are alike…
While I doubt she can relate wholly with my life… I'll genuinely listen, I'll even give her a small chance.
"I promise." I state plainly, keeping emotion from my voice.
It's a bit surreal, I almost expect her to suddenly become her usual chipper and smiling self. Instead what I get is a solemn nod, the look of someone with a heavy heart, something I'm sadly familiar with…
She begins while her boyfriend is silently comforting her as best he can, her voice slightly dull and flat, "My Father and I used to live in Mistral, another major continent, he was a uniquely clever inventor. H-he made weaponry that seamlessly integrated dust for semblance use." she swallows, takes a deep breath then continues, "He was very successful, too successful. I can explain later but the society of Mistral is… difficult for the successful."
Dust? Semblance? Mistral? Sighing internally, I silently elect to directly ask Kali later, forget the library, I'm a little irritated about my lack of common information.
Before Kali begins again, I see her expression darken, her eyes turning steely and I can almost already believe she can maybe relate to me.
I don't comment though, only letting her talk as she seems a little lost in memories, "Our lives were plagued with assassination attempts… both on me and my Father. Those of the upper class of Mistral did not appreciate either his race or his success. My Father's enemies paid off the lower class, the thugs, thieves, and mercenaries as well as my classmates, even my friends to attempt to kill us both." She admits, her fists balled up and white-knuckled in her lap, her body shaking slightly in emotion that I can't hope to decipher.
She seems to nearly tremble but she takes a few moments to calm herself, slightly leaning into Ghira's arm around her shoulders. Patiently waiting for the end of her story, feeling I know where this is going.
I'm not disappointed in the least as she finishes recollecting herself, "When my Father died, when their attempts were finally successful…" her expression turns haunted, lost in memory before she pulls herself out, "While I learned early in life to be distrustful, to be distant towards others. When Daddy died…" she trails off, head lowering while her expression turns flat, her voice like reciting from a script, "I became a different person. I grew cold, harsh, and cruel. I found the people who ordered the assassinations and I... hurt them back." she states plainly but her darkened expression tells the real story.
Normally, I'd be suspicious of the truth to this story, wondering if this was just to garner sympathy from me. But this is not normal, not by any means for Kali at any rate for her to lie so brazenly. Though… if she could so thoroughly hide this side of herself from me, I maybe can't trust her word so blindly.
My paranoia screams to not trust her, to declare her story only a ploy to get me to empathize with her. That I had no idea she was anything but a matronly catwoman with her heart on her sleeves until she revealed otherwise. It wants me to analyze her and her boyfriend, to not be caught off guard like this ever again!
Angrily, I stomp down on my paranoia, thinking this through instead. I'd let my paranoia run rampant, unaware of how intense it had been due to the lack of a swarm.
Forcefully calming myself, I breathe deeper, it helps.
Focusing on Kali, all I can see is an honest catwoman, someone who genuinely wants to help me.
What I can't ignore is that I really do feel sympathy for her and her story. I mean, fuck, if I wasn't sure her reactions were too real, too raw to be fake, I'd have thought she could see parts of my life. Her life is tailor-made to tug at my heartstrings.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I wonder if maybe… just maybe, she actually can understand me…
The emotions churning inside of me at the very thought that happy, wholesome, and loving Kali could have once been even remotely similar to me is unbelievable.
Yet I still have one last question to revisit. Knowing what I know now, do I stay with them or not?
For now and until I know this new world, the answer is yes.
It's the best way to get information about the world I find myself in.
Ultimately, however… I don't know if I want to commit to being a criminal yet, at least until I've found my place here.
I'm broken from my musing by Kali's impatient and nearly desperate question, "Will you stay, Taylor?" she asks and when my eyes move to meet hers, I have to immediately look away, the hopeful and sympathetic expression on her face.
Despite my thoughts, it's not so simple. When I go to open my mouth to actually tell them, it opens and closes, a torrent of emotions twist inside me. From the coiling negativity in my gut to the miniscule hope that I'm finding harder and harder to ignore.
I still need to actually say the words however, so I take one final breath before looking back at the patient Ghira and the hopeful Kali, "I'll stay with you both."
That hope grows in my chest as Kali outright leaps from her chair with a cry of joy and has to visibly hold herself back from hugging me. Meanwhile, Ghira gives a wide approving smile and that small warmth grows slightly.
It's the hope that I could one day be… happy just like her.
It terrifies me.