a2znut
Needs more handholding. [Forever DM]
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[RANMA/TO ARU] To Aru Hourou no Budouka - Kuroko's Corner
- Thread starter Alhazred23
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Alhazred23
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... you don't know the half of it ^_^;How naughty
(Unless you've been following this on Spacebattles, since i've already spoiled how this fight plays out over there.)
Alhazred23
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(I'm not dead yet; i've just been banging my head against this scene for a while. I wanted to pick on do some character building with Fabiola before i jumped into a fight scene. Hopefully it doesn't seem too forced; i've been at it for so long i just can't tell anymore...)
As Ryouga nodded and moved to take a seat on a crate near the mouth of the alley Ruiko gave him a disbelieving look. "Wait, you mean she accepted?" she bleated, scurrying to catch up. "What did you say?"
"Nothing untrue," Ryouga replied with a mysterious smirk. Really, the only whiff of subterfuge he'd engaged in was to protect the modest image that most maids preferred to cultivate, but it was amusing to be the one holding all the cards for a change. "Anyhow, why don't you keep watching her; pay close attention to her body language," he advised.
Ruiko puffed out her cheeks childishly but did as she was told. "Could you at least tell me what I'm looking for?" she complained, her eyes tracking the maid as the latter approached a baker's stall. "It's not like people stomp around in horse stance when they're out shopping."
Ryouga considered how much he should say; assessing threats wasn't easy even if you had tons of experience, but the maid did have a few simple tells. "Think about footwork," he hinted. Iglesias-san was light on her feet even when affecting the staid bearing of a servant, and the 'respectful distance' she maintained might suggest a preference for hit and run.
Or she might just be shy, he supposed. The maid's somber black uniform stuck out like a sore thumb in the festive chaos of the market, making her a prime target for the more enthusiastic vendors. Some shouted out discounts and extras for the 'little lady' while others plied her with snacks and sweets like a favorite grandchild.
For the most part Iglesias-san bore the indignity with grace, but a crack appeared in her professional facade as she spoke with an older girl peddling dairy products. Ryouga struggled to make out their words but the maid's smile looked a tad strained when she cut the conversation short and bustled back to them, indelicately trying to stuff a large glass bottle into one of her bags.
Giving up, she held it out to Ruiko. "(Would you like some milk?)" she asked. When the time traveler balked Iglesias-san beamed insistently at Ryouga. "(Please tell her not to worry; it was complimentary and I am told it is quite delicious.)"
"Um... she says it was free," Ryouga translated.
After a bit more urging Ruiko accepted the gift with another bow and a hastily coached 'Gracias' that seemed to lighten the maid's mood. "(Well then, shall we be on our way?)" Iglesias-san proposed, indicating that they should follow her down the alley.
"(Lead on.)" With a nod Ryouga fell in behind her, though his thoughts remained on the near-altercation he'd just witnessed.
"What was that about?" Ruiko whispered, turning over the sweating glass bottle for inspection as they walked.
Ryouga shook his head. "I'm not sure, but I think that other girl was teasing her about her size," he observed. "She said something about milk helping you grow."
"Hmm... well, she is kinda tiny," Ruiko granted, but as she gripped the metal cap to twist it off her eyes widened in epiphany.
"What?" Ryouga prompted.
"Um... I think you might be right," Ruiko hedged, going slightly red, "but... she probably wasn't teasing Iglesias-san about her height."
"Hmm?" Ryouga quirked one eyebrow in inquiry as the maid glanced back at the sound of her name.
A twinge of distress tightened Ruiko's cheeks at the extra scrutiny and she suddenly became very interested in her drink. "Were you looking at milk girl at all?" she mumbled. "Talk about body language..."
Ryouga felt his ears warm at the odd appellation; while he had indeed been focused on Iglesias-san, it was impossible to not notice the other goods that 'milk girl' had on display, between that low-cut top and the way she kept bending over to-
"Gah!" Like the needle of a compass the lost boy's eyes were irresistibly drawn south- until they spinning crazily as he tried to look anywhere else.
Proving that adolescent stupidity was a universal language, their guide reflexively clutched her bags closer. "(Mi- Mister Hibiki! It is terribly rude to talk about people behind their backs!)" she sputtered, the last of her servile composure melting away as her face lit up like a brand.
"Tell her you were too distracted by her pretty legs to notice!" Ruiko suggested impishly.
"Do you want to get me killed?!" Ryouga roared back.
While Ryouga floundered for a way to make amends Ruiko set down her milk and faced the petite maid. "[Don't mind!]" she consoled in heavily accented English. "In Japan, Flat is Justice!" Holding both hands in front of her, she pushed them downward like she was pressing something flat and gave Iglesias-san a thumbs-up.
Ryouga just about died on the spot, but the bizarre pantomime did seem to deflect the maid's ire. "(...Is this normal behavior in your country?)" she asked in a voice that was uncertain whether or not it should be offended.
"(She says she is 'normal for middle school.')" Ryouga muttered, leaning against the wall with his head down while the embarrassment baked off. "(I think she is a liar.)" Either that, or he had to add middle school girls to his list of, 'Scary Things to Avoid in the Future.'
"What did she say?" Ruiko queried, poking him in the ribs.
"She wants to know if you're a pervert."
"Wha- why would she think I'm a pervert!?"
Seeing what he had to put up with, Iglesias-san apparently deemed that Ryouga had been tortured enough. "(I suppose I cannot gainsay her,)" she sighed. "(I have been working at the hacienda since I turned thirteen.)" Studying his face, she added, "(How old might you be, if I may ask? You seem very young to be traveling alone in a foreign country.)"
"(It is... complicated,)" Ryouga replied, rubbing his jaw to check for the bite of five o'clock shadow. He hated telling people his age, since that always led to more difficult questions. "(I will be sixteen soon. Miss Ruiko is twelve.)"
"(T-twelve?)" The maid's eyes gravitated to the peaks of injustice described by the fall of Ruiko's thin gray tank top. "(Mister Hibiki, I believe that is a crime!)" Iglesias-san hissed.
"(Eh?!)" He'd expected the 'relationship' question to pop, but Ryouga was caught flat-footed by this new wrinkle. What- does she think we're eloping or something? "(We are not... that way! Just friends!)" he protested.
Ruiko yanked on his sleeve. "Hey, tell me what she's saying!"
(For reference, i am using the anime character designs, which go:
Kuroko < Kazari < Mikoto <<< Swim Team Girl B < Swim Team Girl A < Ruiko < Mitsuko <<< ... <<<Mii
Ryouga, Ruiko and Fabiola's ages are never stated in canon, but 12-13 is normal for first-year middle school, 15-16 for first-year high school, and i'm going to say Fabiola is around fifteen.)
As Ryouga nodded and moved to take a seat on a crate near the mouth of the alley Ruiko gave him a disbelieving look. "Wait, you mean she accepted?" she bleated, scurrying to catch up. "What did you say?"
"Nothing untrue," Ryouga replied with a mysterious smirk. Really, the only whiff of subterfuge he'd engaged in was to protect the modest image that most maids preferred to cultivate, but it was amusing to be the one holding all the cards for a change. "Anyhow, why don't you keep watching her; pay close attention to her body language," he advised.
Ruiko puffed out her cheeks childishly but did as she was told. "Could you at least tell me what I'm looking for?" she complained, her eyes tracking the maid as the latter approached a baker's stall. "It's not like people stomp around in horse stance when they're out shopping."
Ryouga considered how much he should say; assessing threats wasn't easy even if you had tons of experience, but the maid did have a few simple tells. "Think about footwork," he hinted. Iglesias-san was light on her feet even when affecting the staid bearing of a servant, and the 'respectful distance' she maintained might suggest a preference for hit and run.
Or she might just be shy, he supposed. The maid's somber black uniform stuck out like a sore thumb in the festive chaos of the market, making her a prime target for the more enthusiastic vendors. Some shouted out discounts and extras for the 'little lady' while others plied her with snacks and sweets like a favorite grandchild.
For the most part Iglesias-san bore the indignity with grace, but a crack appeared in her professional facade as she spoke with an older girl peddling dairy products. Ryouga struggled to make out their words but the maid's smile looked a tad strained when she cut the conversation short and bustled back to them, indelicately trying to stuff a large glass bottle into one of her bags.
Giving up, she held it out to Ruiko. "(Would you like some milk?)" she asked. When the time traveler balked Iglesias-san beamed insistently at Ryouga. "(Please tell her not to worry; it was complimentary and I am told it is quite delicious.)"
"Um... she says it was free," Ryouga translated.
After a bit more urging Ruiko accepted the gift with another bow and a hastily coached 'Gracias' that seemed to lighten the maid's mood. "(Well then, shall we be on our way?)" Iglesias-san proposed, indicating that they should follow her down the alley.
"(Lead on.)" With a nod Ryouga fell in behind her, though his thoughts remained on the near-altercation he'd just witnessed.
"What was that about?" Ruiko whispered, turning over the sweating glass bottle for inspection as they walked.
Ryouga shook his head. "I'm not sure, but I think that other girl was teasing her about her size," he observed. "She said something about milk helping you grow."
"Hmm... well, she is kinda tiny," Ruiko granted, but as she gripped the metal cap to twist it off her eyes widened in epiphany.
"What?" Ryouga prompted.
"Um... I think you might be right," Ruiko hedged, going slightly red, "but... she probably wasn't teasing Iglesias-san about her height."
"Hmm?" Ryouga quirked one eyebrow in inquiry as the maid glanced back at the sound of her name.
A twinge of distress tightened Ruiko's cheeks at the extra scrutiny and she suddenly became very interested in her drink. "Were you looking at milk girl at all?" she mumbled. "Talk about body language..."
Ryouga felt his ears warm at the odd appellation; while he had indeed been focused on Iglesias-san, it was impossible to not notice the other goods that 'milk girl' had on display, between that low-cut top and the way she kept bending over to-
"Gah!" Like the needle of a compass the lost boy's eyes were irresistibly drawn south- until they spinning crazily as he tried to look anywhere else.
Proving that adolescent stupidity was a universal language, their guide reflexively clutched her bags closer. "(Mi- Mister Hibiki! It is terribly rude to talk about people behind their backs!)" she sputtered, the last of her servile composure melting away as her face lit up like a brand.
"Tell her you were too distracted by her pretty legs to notice!" Ruiko suggested impishly.
"Do you want to get me killed?!" Ryouga roared back.
While Ryouga floundered for a way to make amends Ruiko set down her milk and faced the petite maid. "[Don't mind!]" she consoled in heavily accented English. "In Japan, Flat is Justice!" Holding both hands in front of her, she pushed them downward like she was pressing something flat and gave Iglesias-san a thumbs-up.
Ryouga just about died on the spot, but the bizarre pantomime did seem to deflect the maid's ire. "(...Is this normal behavior in your country?)" she asked in a voice that was uncertain whether or not it should be offended.
"(She says she is 'normal for middle school.')" Ryouga muttered, leaning against the wall with his head down while the embarrassment baked off. "(I think she is a liar.)" Either that, or he had to add middle school girls to his list of, 'Scary Things to Avoid in the Future.'
"What did she say?" Ruiko queried, poking him in the ribs.
"She wants to know if you're a pervert."
"Wha- why would she think I'm a pervert!?"
Seeing what he had to put up with, Iglesias-san apparently deemed that Ryouga had been tortured enough. "(I suppose I cannot gainsay her,)" she sighed. "(I have been working at the hacienda since I turned thirteen.)" Studying his face, she added, "(How old might you be, if I may ask? You seem very young to be traveling alone in a foreign country.)"
"(It is... complicated,)" Ryouga replied, rubbing his jaw to check for the bite of five o'clock shadow. He hated telling people his age, since that always led to more difficult questions. "(I will be sixteen soon. Miss Ruiko is twelve.)"
"(T-twelve?)" The maid's eyes gravitated to the peaks of injustice described by the fall of Ruiko's thin gray tank top. "(Mister Hibiki, I believe that is a crime!)" Iglesias-san hissed.
"(Eh?!)" He'd expected the 'relationship' question to pop, but Ryouga was caught flat-footed by this new wrinkle. What- does she think we're eloping or something? "(We are not... that way! Just friends!)" he protested.
Ruiko yanked on his sleeve. "Hey, tell me what she's saying!"
(For reference, i am using the anime character designs, which go:
Kuroko < Kazari < Mikoto <<< Swim Team Girl B < Swim Team Girl A < Ruiko < Mitsuko <<< ... <<<Mii
Ryouga, Ruiko and Fabiola's ages are never stated in canon, but 12-13 is normal for first-year middle school, 15-16 for first-year high school, and i'm going to say Fabiola is around fifteen.)
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MinorGryph
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Yay, update! Didn't seem forced to me, but what did jump out at me is that Ruiko never tells Ryouga her conclusions after being told to observe body language. The way you have it now he asks her a question, prompts her with a hint and then answers it himself through internal monologue.
On SB you said you weren't sure what to censor, so my opinion is that redacting the last 2 paragraphs (from when Igesias starts insinuating Ryouga/Ruiko) would eliminate the risk of mod attention.
On SB you said you weren't sure what to censor, so my opinion is that redacting the last 2 paragraphs (from when Igesias starts insinuating Ryouga/Ruiko) would eliminate the risk of mod attention.
Kinematics
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Not sure what it is, but I can't really make sense out of what this is supposed to be referring to.
The use of her name in this manner in the narrative seems weird. The narrative isn't strictly from Ryouga's viewpoint, so the use of -san feels out of place, particularly when honorifics aren't used for Ryouga or Ruiko.
Alhazred23
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Hmm... well, it was supposed to be a sort of 'lesson in progress.' Ryouga was trying to pick out someone in the crowd who could fight. This shouldn't be easy under any circumstances, and he mostly picked Fabiola because of his own (mistaken?) preconceptions about maids, so he isn't expecting Ruiko to have definitive answer for him. He just wants her to keep watching, since sometimes there are little things you can pick up. He might ask her for her thoughts later, too. Hmm...
Is that safe? I've seen people get infracted at SB for the insinuation that kids in their teens might just be interested in, say, looking down a lady's shirt. (An extreme example, and the person in question was later able to argue for overturning the infraction, but it does happen.)
Hmm... i went about that one in a roundabout way. Ruiko referenced the 'Flat is Justice' trope earlier, when she was encouraging Fabiola not to be disheartened. 'Flat is Justice' does not apply to Ruiko at all, however, so Fabiola was a bit surprised that she's three years younger. And Ryouga is chagrined because he has to spend every day with that temptation... and she also likes to tease him, so 'unjust' in both senses.
I can't believe i just spent almost a whole paragraph explaining a boob joke... -_-;
Struggling with this one, a bit. Ryouga is kinda formal- like, almost Uiharu-level formal. Even after all the shit they've been through by the end of canon, he still refers to nearly everyone in Nerima except for Ranma, Mousse and Shampoo with -san when he speaks. I am not sure quite how to convey this, though, but it's only for the flashback. Would it be any less weird without the -san?
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Kinematics
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Heh. I thought it might be referring to that, but that was a full 8 paragraphs previous, and there were no other references to 'just' anything, which left me with only a single reference for something that should be referring to at least two, maybe three or more individual reference elements/puns based on its phrasing.
If it was a pure Ryouga-perspective narrative, it would be fine, however it wavers back and forth between Ryouga and pure third-person narrative. When it doesn't feel like I'm actually in anyone's head, hitting an "Iglesius-san" is jarring.
Alhazred23
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Hmm... well, i may look at that paragraph again. I was more explicit about it in an earlier version, and then trimmed it down to make the joke 'faster.'
Edit: I altered the 'justice' joke. Now it also references one of the Four Fundamental Forces (but not electromagnetism in this case) - plus cleavage!
I was sort of worried about that. There was a lot of dialogue here, and thus it seemed less urgent to have 'vocalized thoughts.' It is still all meant to be from Ryouga's perspective though, in that nothing is portrayed that isn't in his head or that he cannot observe. I will look for more points where i can have him thinking to himself rather than just describing the scene.
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Alhazred23
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Fortunately, Ryouga is probably fine with that, though he hails from a bygone era before it became a 'status symbol' so a lot of the weird things Ruiko says might go over his head...
Edit: Incidentally...
Fabiola is only slightly above Kuroko-class, and also definitely a shrimp.
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