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Snek is a Good Boy [a Worm Crackfic]

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Ack, Mar 10, 2021.

  1. theonebutcher

    theonebutcher Hahaha! ... Waitaminute... Oh God NO!

    May 10, 2014
    Likes Received:
    "How many teenage girls with pubic lice are there in this building? Because if it's more than one that implies disturbing things."
    Ack likes this.
  2. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    There is literally no good way to answer that question.
    Simonbob likes this.
  3. theonebutcher

    theonebutcher Hahaha! ... Waitaminute... Oh God NO!

    May 10, 2014
    Likes Received:
    There is:
    "I have no idea."
    Also possible:
    "The maximum is three. You, Stalker and Vista are the only teenage girls in this building."
    Ack likes this.
  4. Simonbob

    Simonbob Really? You don't say.

    Jan 3, 2014
    Likes Received:
    "Hmmm? Did you say something?"

    "3. Also, since you're curious, 2 463 lice."

    Eh. It only gets sillier from there.
    Ack likes this.
  5. Threadmarks: Part Sixteen: Beware of the Snek

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Snek is a Good Boy

    Part Sixteen: Beware of the Snek

    [A/N: This chapter commissioned by Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]

    Baumann Parahuman Containment Center

    Paige stood before her cell block leader, feeling her world crumble just a little more around her. She honestly admired and respected Lustrum, but the folded arms and the unhelpful expression gave the message loud and clear: there wasn't going to be any help forthcoming from this quarter.

    "I can protect you from the men," Lustrum explained, as though to a five-year-old. "That's what being in this half of the Birdcage is all about. But beyond that, I can't stand over you every second of the day. Not only do I not have time for that, but if some of my enemies figured that you mean something special to me and decided to get at me through you, then it would go even worse for you right now, you get it?"

    Paige nodded. "I get it, I do. But everywhere I go, they're looking at me. And if I try to ignore them, they walk past, closer and closer. I've seen it before, out there, from obsessed fans."

    Lustrum frowned. "You're presenting as someone who's vulnerable. I've told you how to not do that."

    "I'm trying," Paige insisted. "They're still doing it."

    "Then you're going to have to step it up. Make it clear that you're not available." Lustrum turned her head as another woman stepped into the cell. Some unseen message passed between them, and she glanced back at Paige. "Go on, get back to your living area. And for Chrissakes, learn to stand up for yourself."

    The unspoken addendum I did, why can't you? hung in the air as Paige left the cell and stumbled down the corridor toward her wing. Hugging her arms around herself, she tried her best not to cry. The subtle, silent harassment from the other women had driven her to seek help from Lustrum, but that had come to nothing. Worse, if they heard she'd gone to the block leader and been rebuffed, it would just get—

    "Hi, Canary," crooned a voice from one of the cells she was passing by. "Sing us a song, Canary."

    She hurried on. One of her tormentors stepped out of another cell in front of her. "Going somewhere, little birdie?"

    Paige fervently wished that she could've been sent to a normal prison; there, they could only shank you. Here, if you said no to the wrong person, you could be splattered all over the nearest wall before you knew it. They didn't send people to the Birdcage for being fully in control of their darker impulses, after all.

    "Just back to my cell," she mumbled, trying to do as Lustrum had told her and present a façade of confidence, but the cynical gaze of the woman before her told the story loud and clear: she wasn't fooling anyone. "Let me past."

    "Say please," purred the woman. "I can't hear enough of that sweet, sweet voice of yours."

    "I can think of other uses for that mouth of hers," suggested the other woman, who was coming up behind her. "Why don't we—"

    Why is this happening to me? she wailed silently. I don't deserve this! Why can't anyone help me?

    She had the sense to not say what she was thinking out loud; it would only incite them to push harder. As it was, they were crowding in around her, terrifying her more and more.

    And then the woman in front looked past her, eyes opening wide. "What the—Jesus—how did that—" She brought up her hands, purple energy flaring around them. Paige dropped to one knee, closing her eyes and wrapping her hands over her head. There was an actinic flash that briefly allowed her to see the veins inside her own eyelids, and the brittle crack of air being forcibly ionised, along with the sharp reek of ozone.

    The other woman shrieked, but it was the sound of terror, not of agony or death. A moment later, Paige heard running footsteps, bolting away down the corridor. Paige wondered what had just happened, and what the woman had fired at.

    Or rather, who. The scariest monsters in the Birdcage were the inmates, after all.

    Unlike virtually every other inmate in the facility, she hadn't come to the Birdcage via a life of crime, so her fight-or-flight instincts were sadly lacking. A somewhat timid person by nature, she tended to freeze in moments of crisis, at least until she knew what was going on. Fully aware that there was someone behind her that the woman had fired at, then run from, she chose not to make any sudden movements that might provoke violence.

    Slowly, recognising the fact that she wasn't dead yet, she opened her eyes and turned her head to see who had provided such a menacing presence that two hardened inmates had outright fled from them. When she did see, she blinked and rubbed her eyes. What she was seeing couldn't be right. It couldn't be real. Whatever she'd been expecting, be it Lustrum, the Faerie Queen or even one of the male inhabitants of the Birdcage, it was not … this.

    The gigantic snake, its head larger than the average armchair, regarded her politely. "Hello," it said, a faintly sibilant undertone audible to her trained ear. "Ssnek iss Ssnek. Doess feather hair lady need help?"

    She blinked again. This had to be a prank, by someone, anyone. Snakes that large just didn't exist in nature, especially talking snakes. But she didn't know of anyone who could create such a lifelike illusion, much less create a perfect projection. "Are—are you real?" she asked, immediately hating herself for asking such a stupidly inane question.

    Fortunately, the snake—or whoever was behind it—didn't take offense. "Ssnek iss real," it assured her. "Feather hair lady assked for help. Ssnek can take you to Masster. Masster iss very wisse."

    She decided to take the fact that it bore a fedora placed squarely in the middle of its broad head as a good sign. She'd seen a fedora like that only once before, on the head of a woman standing back in the shadows when she had her vial administered to her. The oddly familiar sight helped calm her and informed her response.

    Carefully, she climbed to her feet. "Yes," she said, totally aware that she was having a conversation with either a puppeted illusion or an actual massive reptile, and not caring much at the moment. "I think I would like that."

    It can't be much worse than what I've got right here.

    The snake's enormous head darted forward, and she somehow ended up astride its neck. "Feather hair lady hold on," it advised her. Then a portal opened in front of them both, and it blurred forward.


    A Little Later, still in the Birdcage


    Margaret loomed over the two women, grasping each of them by the upper arm. Power crackled as she drew energy from them, preventing them from using their powers against her.

    "What happened to Canary?" she shouted, her magnified voice booming within the cell. "What did you do to her? Where did you hide her body?"

    "We—we didn't do anything to her!" protested one of the offenders. "A giant snake! It was a giant snake! It must've eaten her or something!"

    Lustrum squeezed hard, causing them both to cry out with pain. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that?"

    "The—the giant snake that ate Leviathan!" Even in the Birdcage, they'd heard that particular news story. Leviathan's death had been as unexpected as it had been bizarre. "It must be the same one!"

    "Really? That's the best you can do?" Lustrum leaned closer to them and lowered her voice to a vicious whisper. "When she came to me, I knew what you were up to. I expected her to stand up for herself and tell you 'no', and for you to respect that. But you didn't, did you? You pushed her, and she fought back, and you killed her. So where is she? What did you do with her body?"

    "No," whimpered the one she figured to be the killer, in a choked whisper. "We didn't—it was the snake—"

    "DON'T LIE TO ME!" It was a bellow of rage. She flexed her power-infused muscles, her hands squeezing hard enough to break bones. They screamed in agony, and she threw them from the cell with casual force. "Stay out of my way. Or join another cellblock. If I see you again, I'll kill you myself."

    As they dragged themselves to their feet and stumbled away, she lowered herself to the comfortable chair that took pride of place in her cell. She looked down at her hands, regret flooding through her heart.

    I promised to protect her, but the only way to truly protect her was to teach her how to protect herself.

    I failed her, and I failed myself.

    And now she's dead.

    Deep in the world's most secure prison, Lustrum mourned the loss of a songbird.



    Paige sat blinking in the straight-backed chair. "Okay, that has got to be the weirdest thing that's happened to me. And yes, I am counting how Snek got me out of the Birdcage."

    "Well, that's how the boss rolls." Riley placed the stopper on the glass jar, where the oddly swirling network of misty coils swirled in ever-changing patterns, and handed it to the tall bearded man. "Here you go."

    "Thank you, Riley." The Master accepted the jar and placed it on a shelf, where it joined a whole row of similar jars. When he turned back to them, his voice and attitude became much more formal. "Paige Mcabee of Earth Bet, you have a choice before you. Stripped of the compulsive aspects of your power, you may go back to your birthworld, or you can make a fresh start in this one."

    Paige considered that. Just having a choice was remarkably liberating, but she wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of going back to Bet, the world that had already done everything but sentence her to death. Even if the PRT left her alone (she didn't see that happening anytime soon) it would be a cold day in any Hell she cared to name before they'd allow her to actually restart her singing career. If she even had a singing career to restart, after all the shit that had happened.

    "I'm, uh, interested in a fresh start," she ventured hopefully. "What can I do in this world?"

    "Are you kidding?" Riley threw her hands up. "With your voice, they'd beg you to sing for them. They would literally throw money at you."

    The Master held out his hand and snapped his fingers. Above his palm, a scene faded into reality, of the interior of … a medieval tavern of some kind? Up on a stage was a gaudily clad minstrel, singing and playing a stringed instrument, with the crowd clapping along to the beat. As he sang and played, golden curlicues wove up off the strings, spreading out over the audience and drifting down over them in a shower of tiny shining motes.

    "Whoa …" Paige murmured. "Can I … I mean, is that sort of thing possible for me to learn?"

    "All that, and much more. With the right teachers, of course. You merely require a talent for music, which you have aplenty, and the will to learn." One shaggy brow rose. "Do you possess that?"

    Paige nodded firmly. "Totally."

    "Good." He favoured her with a measured nod. "Then you will do well. Riley, if you would show our guest to a room, and outfit her with clothing and an instrument?"

    "Sure thing, boss." Riley headed over to the door that Snek had exited through shortly after delivering Paige to this room. "Come on, I'll give you the nickel tour."

    "Okay, thanks." Paige turned back to the Master. "And thank you, for giving me a chance."

    He nodded in acknowledgement. "Merely bring joy to my world, and I will be amply repaid."

    "I can definitely do that." Paige hurried to catch up to Riley. "So, uh, if we're on top of a mountain, how do we get down to the town, where the tavern is, anyway?"

    Riley grinned. "Dragons."

    Paige blinked. She'd seen the stuffed one hanging from the ceiling, but … "Dragons? Actual, real dragons?"


    Okay, I am definitely not in Kansas anymore.


    PRT ENE Building, Wards Area


    Drawing in her breath, Missy prepared to shout for help again. The light over the exit door was glowing red, which meant they were in lockdown: nobody in, nobody out. That wasn't overtly dangerous to them; the Wards area had its own air-replenishment system, as well as enough water and MREs stashed away to feed a full complement for two weeks straight.

    What really worried her was that Clockblocker still appeared to be deaf, and she had no idea how long the affliction would last, or even if it would ever go away. Some power effects had a strict time limit, whereas others (such as Panacea's healing) were permanent. Missy didn't want to bet on Clockblocker's debilitation being a temporary thing, not with his future as a hero at stake.

    "Snek!" she shouted.

    "Yess?" asked a familiar hissing voice, from about ten feet away. "Hello, Vissta. Hello, Clock. Iss good to ssee you."

    "Snek!" Missy spun around, in equal parts elated and astonished. Snek had actually shown up when she called for help. "You came!" Impulsively, she hugged his broad neck.

    "Ssnek likess to help." He seemed to be enjoying the hug. "How can Ssnek help Vissta?"

    Doing her best to ignore the fact that Snek was comfortably coiled around the couch and gaming console, and carefully not asking herself the question how did he get in here?, Missy drew a deep breath and composed herself. "Clock was listening to the radio and something weird happened, and now he can't hear anything. And it's not just him. The whole building's in lockdown, so nobody can get in to help Clock."

    At that moment, Clockblocker (who had been industriously digging in both ears with his pinky fingers at once, probably trying to dislodge whatever was deafening him, glanced around and spotted Snek's tail. Slowly, he turned his head, following Snek's length with his eyes, until he came to where Missy was standing next to Snek's head.

    "Holy crap!" he yelped, still in that oddly nasal tone. "Snek's here! When did he get here? How did he get here?"

    "Ssnek sseess what iss problem." The gigantic reptile peered at Clockblocker first with one gold-rimmed eye, then the other. "Clock iss under hosstile influencce. Masster hass taught Ssnek how to fix thiss."

    "Oh, good." Missy felt a tremendous wave of relief sweep over her. Snek, the vanquisher of Leviathan, was here, and he knew how to fix Clockblocker. Everything was going to be—

    Raising his head a good ten feet above the floor, Snek opened his jaws wide, darted forward, and ate Clockblocker whole.


    Mama Mathers

    In Christine's experience, nobody had ever deliberately broken away from her hold on them. Some had drifted out of her consciousness because she simply couldn't be bothered holding on to them, but that had taken literally months of not caring enough to check on them. The Ward called Clockblocker had fitted into neither category, and yet between one second and the next, he'd simply vanished from her perception. The child he was with had been babbling about the heretical creature just before the cutoff point, but what that had to do with it, she had no idea.

    Did he die? Did the stress of being deafened kill him? What sort of weaklings are they recruiting, if this is the case?

    She would look into it, once the monster was run to ground and destroyed.



    Jaw hanging open, Missy stared, horrified and dumbfounded in equal measures. "Wha … bwah … you … he …" It had literally happened too fast for her to react; between one instant and the next, Snek had swallowed her teammate. He hadn't even had time to scream.

    But he's supposed to be the good guy!

    Just as she expanded space and jumped back to the other side of the room—not that this would help if Snek really decided to come after her—Snek opened his jaws again and deposited Clockblocker straight back into his chair. An alive and well Clockblocker, who stared up at Snek with a totally dumbfounded expression. "What the heck was that, dude? You ate me!"

    Apparently, sixty-foot snakes were able to put on an appearance of injured innocence; or at least, Snek could. "Ssnek did not eat Clock. Ssnek put Clock in not-eat placce. Iss placce where Ssnek putss thingss not to eat. Masster ssayss put people under hosstile influencce there. Iss fixed now, yess?"

    Clockblocker blinked. "Um, yeah. I can hear perfectly, now?" He paused for a moment. "And sorry for yelling at you, dude. You meant well."

    "Clock and Vissta not to know. Iss good. Clock fine now."

    Slowly letting the room resume its normal dimensions, Missy walked forward to join the two again. "Sorry, Snek. I guess I overreacted. But you did kind of eat Clock just then. How about warning a girl next time, okay?"

    Snek turned to look at her, and she could see the apologetic look in his eye. "Ssnek iss ssorry. Did not mean to frighten. Ssnek will warn Vissta next time."

    "It's all good." Her heart rate was almost down to normal again after the scare, and she gave him another hug. "This was all happening at Fugly's, right? The place where we met Snek the first time?"

    Clockblocker nodded shakily. It seemed he wasn't quite over the experience of having been forcibly ingested then ejected again. "Yeah. Gallant's there with Kid Win. He started to call in a problem, but someone told him to shut up and he did. Then someone else started talking, giving orders. I got about three words in, then my ears just … shut down. It was horrifying."

    "Masster hass sspoken of ssuch thingss," Snek agreed. "Hass told Ssnek how to fix."

    Missy nodded. "Put them in your, uh, not-eat place, then bring them back up again. What about the bad guys themselves? What are you going to do if they just keep inflicting people with deafness and stuff?"

    Snek smiled. He was extremely good at smiling, given that he had a rather extensive mouth. "Ssnek will jusst eat them."


    Mouse Protector

    Diane found herself standing on the roof of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, with the familiar skyline of New York around her. It was a distinct come-down from the village of raptors she'd been happily visiting up until that point. The little fluffballs had been so cute, especially with their gruff cheeping.

    "Oh, well," she sighed, stretching to work the kinks out, then pulling a casual flick-flack just to prove she could. "That was fun, but real life beckons. Now, where can I find a bad guy to wreck the entire day of?"

    Central Park was right there, she decided. If there wasn't a mugging or a drug deal going on somewhere in that green expanse, it was because the Big Apple's criminal element just wasn't trying hard enough. She strolled across the expanse of the roof and peered over the side, deciding exactly how she was going to parkour down to street level.

    "Hello, Mouss. Ssnek hass found bad people. Mouss want to help?"

    She didn't even startle when she heard his voice anymore. Snek was the rarity; a surprise visitor who was always welcome. Turning on her heel, she booped Snek's nose (because he always enjoyed that) then threw her leg over the gigantic reptile's neck. "Of course I want to help, you big goof. It's always fun watching you at work."

    Snek rolled an eye back toward her and smiled. "Mouss hold on."

    Diane knew what that meant. They were going on a ride. "Woo hoo!"


    Mama Mathers

    "Okay," said Jake Crowley, looking around at the Fugly's patrons, who were now lining the windows. Some were standing on tables, the better to block the line of sight into the building. "You've got your hostage situation. Where do we go from here?"

    Christine tutted. "They're not hostages. They're my followers." She turned to one of her latest converts. "Aren't you, child?"

    Kid Win nodded earnestly as he snapped a panel shut on the side of his laser pistol and put his toolkit away. "Sure, Mama. Your wish is my command."

    "And what are you going to do if any superheroes come in here?"

    "Stop them, Mama." Gallant's tone was matter-of-fact. "By any means necessary."

    "Good boys," she said fondly. "Now—"

    "Mouser-prise!" As the heretical creature erupted from a portal that opened in the middle of the room, an armoured figure with mouse-ears on her helmet leaped off, vaulting over a table.

    Gallant and Kid Win reacted immediately. Steel-grey gauntlets outstretched, Gallant blasted powerful bursts of despair and suicidal ideation at the scaled abomination. Kid Win, on the other hand, drew both his laser pistols and fired off overpowered beams at Mouse Protector. Instead of the gentle pew-pew they made for the PR clips, these pistols let out vicious cracks as they sent killing shots at their target.

    Neither attack seemed to work; Gallant's emotion bursts splashed harmlessly off the snake's seemingly impervious hide, while only one of Kid Win's shots struck Mouse Protector. She dodged two more—they melted neat little holes in the windows—and literally deflected one with her sword, like the hero out of that one sci-fi movie. The one that hit her didn't seem to have any effect at all.

    Still moving, Mouse Protector kicked Jake Crowley upside the head, sending him tumbling to the floor. The creature that had murdered Leviathan, on the other hand, forged straight toward Christine, mouth open wide and showing enough gleaming white fangs to give the average pride of lions a case of severe insecurity. She gave it the image of her running to the side, but it just kept coming at her.

    Chort was the one who saved the day. With the gaping maw less than three feet from her, the boy seized the scaled horror by the body, turned, and threw it. Sixty feet of writhing monstrosity smashed out through the windows, taking most of the glass with it, and vanished out over the ocean.

    With that taken care of for the moment—though she had the fleeting thought that perhaps Chort should have captured the profane monster instead of hurling it away—Christine turned her attention to Mouse Protector. Currently taking on Vince and Sabrina Crowley at once, and holding her own against both of them, she seemed remarkably unconcerned that her sole ally had been removed from the board.

    Mouse Protector had to have seen her when she came in, so Christine went with an old favourite: making her perceive her enemies two feet to the left of where they really were. That should make it easy to—

    The mouse-themed hero's boot heel slammed into Vince's solar plexus, sending him gasping to the floor. A moment later, Mouse Protector's sword sliced through Sabrina Crowley's shoulder; Sabrina screamed and fell back, clutching the wound. Mouse Protector hit the floor and rolled to her feet, her sword pointing unerringly at Christine. "I just Camembert in here to tell you, you've had a Gouda run, but it's over now."

    Her dear Elijah stepped up alongside her. "Drop the sword," he commanded. "Do what Mama says."

    She released the weapon to clatter on the ground, but then she kicked up in a backflip over two more laser bursts and an emotion blast. One scything boot took the laser pistols clear out of Kid Win's hands and sent them clattering across the floor. However, a second emotion shot hit her in the shoulder, and she dropped to one knee.

    "Give up already!" shouted Elijah. "Why won't you give up?"

    She raised her hands. "Okay, I give. I give. You should know—"

    A massive pair of jaws came out of nowhere and closed over Elijah, so close that Christine felt the wind of the fangs passing her by, and looked straight into one of the great black-and-gold eyes for a split second. All around the room, people shook their heads, looking confused, as the impossible snake curled around Mouse Protector, looking back at Christine.

    Mouse Protector put her thumb to her nose and waggled her fingers at Christine. "—that I was just keeping your attention so my Snekky-poo could do his thing and Roquefort your world."

    Christine pointed at Mouse Protector and her infernal companion. "Get them! Kill them both! You will be greatly rewarded!"

    Silence fell for a moment. Chort looked at her, then shook his head. Kid Win headed over to where his pistols had gone. Gallant mimed cracking his knuckles.

    Grinning, Mouse Protector kicked the sword so it rebounded into her hand. "Hon, you are literally the only member of your little play-group left standing who didn't need brainwashing. Granted, you're a walking memetic hazard, but I'm willing to bet that's not gonna bother Snek one little bit. Am I right or am I right, Snekster?"

    "Mouss iss right. Ssnek sstill hungry."

    Mouse Protector nodded. "Bingo. Snek—get her!"

    The last thing Christine saw were the fangs, coming right at her.


    Mouse Protector

    In the aftermath of Snek's departure, while Kid Win and Gallant were busy securing the unconscious villains, Diane turned her attention to the kid wearing the wolf pelt and goat horns. "I'm guessing you're not Scapegoat's little brother, then."

    He looked around, a little nervously. "Uh, no, ma'am. I'm … they called me Chort. Not sure what it means."

    She shrugged. "Don't ask me. I'm not up on mythology, either. To be honest, I spend most of my reading time thinking up new puns to use. What's your power, anyway? Alexandria package?"

    "No, just strength. They say I'm stronger than anyone. I've gotta be real careful, because everything's so fragile to me. Except Snek. Snek felt solid. That's why I threw him away."

    "I can understand that." She stole a bunch of napkins and cleaned the blood off her sword, then re-sheathed it. "From your whole attitude, you're not with these morons willingly?"

    He shook his head. "I was born into the McVeay clan, but I never wanted to be one of them. They got Valefor to mess with my head early on, though, otherwise I would've just walked out." Worry crept over his features. "Am I in trouble?"

    "Hmm." She ran her thumbnail over her lips. "Wish I could tell you it was all gonna work out without a hassle, but things like this can get a bit messy. Not gonna lie; there's gonna be a bunch of idiots wanting to tar you with the same brush, just because you were with the Fallen at all. I'll give you all the help I can with that. And after all the shouting is done? Well, I'm sure there'll be no shortage of things that a guy with all the strength can do, to make a bit of money."

    "Thanks," he said. "I appreciate it."

    She grinned and tousled his hair. "Not a problem, kiddo."

    End of Part Sixteen
  6. GasperVladi0

    GasperVladi0 (Confirmed Nurgle Cultist)

    Apr 24, 2021
    Likes Received:
    Honestly, this is absolutely their fault. What did they think they were doing? Disproving Darwin?
  7. Ack

    Ack (Verified Ratbag) (Unverified Great Old One)

    Feb 12, 2014
    Likes Received:
    They thought they could take him.

    They literally did not know who they were fucking with.
  8. Mastersgt

    Mastersgt Experienced.

    Dec 26, 2019
    Likes Received:
    Start at 1:57

  9. meloa789

    meloa789 Versed in the lewd.

    Feb 13, 2021
    Likes Received:
    At this point, dear Snek might want to become more international, going on some trips to Russia, Germany and China.
    Ack likes this.