The QUICK and the DEADBEAT

[Tangent]

The Quick and the Deadbeat
Yet another SI set in a Sonic AU setting!
Issues? I'll have you know that I have subscriptions!

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Spoiler: Cover Image

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Ugh… I ache all over, and feel like I literally collided with somebody while running.

Which is patently ridiculous, as I haven't been able to run since that car accident in '95.

"Odd…" a maddeningly familiar voice that I couldn't quite place commented. "That wasn't what the Inverted Duplicate Ray was supposed to do at all."

Okay, blue sky, leafy trees, fluffy clouds, scents of nature, sea salt, and machinery (any of which would be impressive on its own given how poor my sense of smell normally is). Other than the ache, I feel oddly good. Strangely light and even… energetic? Moobs are still there, but my gut is gone?

How?

Oh, wait - those aren't moobs.

And I'm not human either.

I sit up - a miracle in and of itself, as the last time I was on my back in the grass it took two burly paramedics to get me up and on my feet again - and take stock of myself. Blue and beige fur, blue quills, definitely female, no clothes…

Seriously, I don't even have the shoes, gloves, scarf, and ridiculously misapplied athletic tape the other blue hedgehog staring at me from right over there is wearing.

Hmmm…

He looks like a possibly older version of the one from the Jim Carrey movies, only wearing the Sonic Boom outfit. It's not an exact match, but he's definitely more of a "this can biologically exist" type anthropomorphic blue hedgehog. And not the Uncanny Valley version either.

Kinda cute in that "ew, no - that's my brother" way.

What the fucking Hell, brain!?

"Well?" The too familiar voice spoke again, and I turned my head to look at…

Why does that guy look like a live action version of the Dr. Eggman from Sonic Boom!?

Well, at least that explains why I sort of recognized the voice - it was most likely close to whatever voice the character in the show had.

"By any chance, have either of you two morons set off a Genesis Wave Device?" I snark, interrupting whatever this Eggman was going to say.

"How rude!" knock-off off brand Ivo Robotnik protested. "I'll have you know that this device was supposed to create an inverted version of whatever the beam hit! You're supposed to be evil, not female!"

"Whatever, Jimbo," I waved off his complaints as I stood up and shook my limbs prior to doing some stretches to limber up and get used to the feel of my new body.

"My name isn't Jimbo! It's…"

"Bob!" I interjected with a grin.

"What? NO! I'm…"

"Dave!" I interrupted him again. This was kinda fun!

"Are you going to let me finish?"

"Maybe?"

"Go die in a fire."

"Nah - It's my birthday, Pops, so I'm just gonna hit you up for some cash and go buy me a pair of shoes like my bro has."

"What makes you think I'm going to give you any money!?"

In a blur of motion, I crossed the distance between us, punched him in the thigh hard enough to trigger a Charlie horse, and rifled through all of his pockets before he even hit the ground screaming in pain.

"Did you just mug Eggman?" Sonic asked, staring at me as if… Well, I think he hasn't stopped staring at me since I had abruptly popped into existence.

"Are you slow?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I paused counting the cash I took from the wallet I conveniently found. "Daddy owes me a new pair of shoes."

"I'm not your father!" Eggman denied as he desperately tried to massage the monkey bubble out of his thigh so he could stand up again.

"Oh no, my father has rejected me - whatever shall I do?" I snark blandly as I resume counting my money as I walk away. "I know! I'll go buy some expensive shoes and start thwarting plans!"

"Look, this is funny and all, but you can't go around mugging people," Sonic started moralizing at me.

"How else am I going to get Dad to pay for a pair of shoes?" I replied in what I felt was a reasonable tone…