The book came later, but the start of my story opens with a disconnection with my mother.
"Taylor honey… I don't – god, this is hard. O-ok – so, after your fa-father's accident, I-I haven't been the best mother I could be for you," Mom's voice message played back on my phone. I almost didn't recognize the number displayed, mostly on account of it being a landline. She hadn't used, much less touched a mobile phone since the crash.
As I listened, I heard sniffling in the background of the recorded message sometimes, and some instances when she should struggle to say a word and choke up.
"I… uh, haven't really been there for you as I should have been," she said. "I've just been trying to process it all, and in that time… I pushed you aside and – uh, yeah…"
A gross understatement I thought, somewhat bitterly.
I hadn't slept in my own bed since the funeral. Almost a half year had passed since then and I'd spent most, if not all that time over at Emma's, crashing in their guest bedroom - my other bedroom in my other home as it were.
Nor had I managed to have a full conversation with mom that wasn't over the phone, that wasn't her telling me my stay with the Barnes' was being prolonged or one that didn't end in tears or awkward silences whenever mention of Dad came up.
She had yet to step foot in the house… not without breaking down.
"…I wanna make it right by you, so – I arranged something for the summer holidays before your senior year. It's… It won't be long, just a couple weeks while I get my shi… stuff together – its… uh, grief counselling, did I tell you? Yeah, a colleague of mine introduced me to a psychiatrist… Dr Yamada. She's uh… she's actually the one who suggested this, so… uh, it all works out, I think. Emma will be doing some photo work most of the time so you won't have time with her anyway… and you had that thing with Camp-Out so I guess you already had plans."
Had – past tense.
I'd had to cancel that for this trip, and I was… maybe, just a little bitter about it still. Why would I not be? After all, If I'd gone, I would have been one of the senior camp leaders after my two years of attendance.
"… I just need time – alone, to process and heal… and you need… something that I'm not exactly in the right state of mind to give you. I need this to do better by you, to be better, so… Gram said she'd be fine hosting you for a bit – so, yeah… uh, enjoy your stay. Don't forget to call… and… I love you."
The voice mail stopped playing back, and I locked my phone, plugged it to the charger, and placed it under the pillow in dad's old room.
I'd just arrived at Grams' place, just settling in and getting my bearings about me.
Grandma's (or Gram as she liked to be called) place was… not very modest. It wasn't massive like a mansion, but it was a somewhat upper-class home, built with enough rooms to be considered a small dormitory, too many rooms to be honest.
With dad gone, mom and I, some cousins as well were the only ones who ever really visited and stayed for any length of time within these halls. It only made sense that most of the rooms were used for storage.
The house itself was evidently very well lived in with signs that once-upon-a-time this was home to a very large family. The decoration was also nice too, if a little old with its off-white walls, luxurious shag carpeting in every room, dark-brown wooden furniture everywhere and little art pieces lining the cabinets all around the house.
This was where Dad grew up, the home he returned to everyday after school, and I was sitting on the bed he slept in. His old room… clearly a teenager's room. It looked almost like it had never been changed, not since he moved out to find work and start a family.
It looked like he'd just moved out. His old comic book posters still lined the walls, and the playboy magazines were not so well hidden under the bed with wooden cabinet filled top to bottom with vhs tapes, cassette tapes and vinyls near the window to attest to that.
Going through the collection brings a smile to my face, to know that we always did share the same taste in music… and a tear down my cheek, and a choked sob in the back of my throat that threatens to spill in knowing that he's gone now.
'… look to the positives Taylor,' I try, and tell myself.
With the thought in mind, I decide to go through some of his stuff for anything interesting - Gram did tell me to make myself at home when I got here.
I found a Walkman in one of the drawers, which I put to good use and hung around my waist as I listened to the best hits of the 80's – some 'Billy Jean' to liven the mood followed by 'Tainted Love'.
The magazines under the floorboards I stayed clear off.
There wasn't much else to find except a rather impressive collection of comic books, of which I had no interest in - the same could be said about fiction as a genre in general, but one did draw my eye.
A signed copy of The Golden Man – neatly kept in an airtight plastic sleeve for preservation.
I remembered there being a movie in the works based on it. Set to release sometime in Late October, with the directors hopes for it to become the establishing film in a cinematic universe.
I recall fondly the times Dad and Uncle Alan would revert to children when talk of the film came up. Dad had loved the comic and had planned on buying tickets for when its premiere showed in the Bay – tickets enough for the whole family to enjoy, the Barnes included.
With a smile to my lips and a tear down my cheek I took the comic and slowly, almost reverently took it out of its plastic sleeve cover to read whereupon another one fell. It had been nested behind the Golden Man, causing the sleeve to bulk up.
It caught my eye almost instantly.
I set aside the Golden Man to inspect the other book that had just fallen out of the shared sleeve.
I held it up, and wiped away at my eyes, and struggled to read the blocky letters without my glasses.
"… the Hercules Method," It read.
Further inspection revealed the books nature to me.
It was not a comic book as I'd originally thought.
It was, instead, a mail order exercise manual… an old one at that – an actual Charles Atlas
Analog.
I'd originally thought it a comic book for the cover which had a grainy drawing of a posing Hercules, a speech bubble beside him with the words – "Are you tired of being puny", with a blocky title card and miscellaneous text on either side of Hercules.
"Be a better you, today" – the first text said.
"Align your body, mind and soul to reach new heights" – the other one said.
'…did Dad own this?' I wondered, thinking back. Dad had been rail-thin, with lanky arms and twiggy sticks for legs - a physique we shared. Despite that, he had been a surprisingly adept lifter – working with and leading the Local Tradesman's Union, a runner of some skill and a brawler who could hold his own against some of Brockton's toughest gangbangers.
The book must have yielded some results, I concluded – emphasis on some, he had still been skinny and lanky.
'… maybe I should give it a try,' I thought.
It wouldn't do to spent so much time moping about, I thought, besides I had nothing but time on my hands – three months of it even, and I needed something to pass the time. Anything that would put my mind off Dad, or at the very least something to make me feel just that much closer to him.
Seeing all this stuff that used to be his didn't bring back the hurt as much as home did, so I figured, I must have been on the right track.
I skimmed through the first few pages. The words and diagrams seemed to pull me in hypnotically, with an almost irresistible sort of magnetism – like reading my new favorite book.
I found that the exercises weren't as strenuous as I thought.
Nowhere in the method book was there mention of equipment needed – just a willing mind, a focused soul and my ready body.
Matter of fact, the exercises were so simple I decided to try one on the spot to sate my growing curiosity.
I took my shirt and hoody off, stripping myself almost bare to my underclothes and sat down on the floor, legs crossed, and hands cupped together in meditation – as instructed by the method book, something about freeing the body from its bindings of cloth.
Excerpt from THE HERCULES METHOD:
The lotus position was about the simplest thing in the book I could do – yet, apparently, and thankfully it was also the very first step.
The pretzel like contortions detailed in further pages would come later apparently, when I'm more learned so the book said, but I was skeptical.
Settled, and somewhat relaxed though still heavy of heart with loss, I took a deep breath in, and another deep breath out, all the while seated stock still, maintaining my position and posture. I held for five minutes before mortification came down bearing on me.
"… this is stupid," I said to myself and moved on to the next step.
The key to THE HERCULES METHOD is to focus your mind, your body and your soul towards one goal.
The next step was a way to fashion compression exercise wear out of cloth wraps, and the various ways to tie it in order to direct growth and achieve specific results – around the waist promoted flaring of the hips, around the chest helped build up pectoral muscles, under the sole, around the ankle and leg made for calf muscle build up etc.
There was even a separate page for women – different body types and musculatures demanding different techniques and with different results.
By bringing all three into alignment, the physical enthusiast can bring all of them under conscious control.
I marked down the page as something of interest – the section on achieving the perfect figure especially. I didn't hold to hope that it wasn't a hoax, but it was worth a try I thought – anything to get rid of my frog like qualities.
Such control is the key to change.
Push-ups, sit ups, planks and more followed – needless to say, I struggled with them, but I resolved to see myself through this and braved the sting of muscles tensing, flexing and contracting in ways they'd never done before.
When a half hour had passed, I stood and neared the tall boy mirror and beheld the results of my exercise.
"Terrific," I thought wryly as I looked down on my gangly form. Long legs and mom's hair were my only saving grace, the rest wasn't much to look at with my flat chest, too thin and too wide lips, the glare to my eyes without glasses and my acne ridden complexion.
'Extraordinary Change,' the method book promised. It was certainly going to require, at the very least, a miracle to change what I had to what the book promised.
~knock-knock` there came a knock by the door.
I yelped and scrambled to dress myself and made to stop entry when Gram peeked in regardless, white tray in hand with a plate full of pasta, a glass of homemade orange juice and an assortment of fried veggies on the side in a smaller plate.
There was a lot piled on the plate.
"… doing some exercise are we?" she asked with more than just a trace of accent – one she swore was English, and a cheer in her voice as she walked into the room to place the tray atop a drawing desk to the left.
I had one leg inside my pants when she walked in and bless her for not misunderstanding the scene she'd walked in on. She was very light on her feet I found, especially for someone her age and had walked into the room before I could protest much.
"…yeah," I replied.
"… tha's good dear – hope ya' stick ta it unlike your father," she said, a distant look in her eyes as she reminisced.
I noticed she was looking at the method book all the while.
"…was this Dad's?" I asked her.
"It was," she said, "Danny got tha when he was being pushed around by some mean boys at school and decided ta make a change… of course, being my boy, he gave up within a week and after that I drove down there and put the fear o' god in them boys for picking on my boy, but not before he made me buy rolls of cloth that he swore he'd use but never did, some foam mats and all other junk that's been sitting in the shed for years jus collecting dust," she replied with a hearty laugh, fondly recalling.
"Do you… do you mind If I use it?"
"Of course not, dear. I did just say it's all been collecting dust didn't I. If ya' find anything ya' like, dun' even ask… jus' take it, if its under this roof, it's yours. Hopefully you'll actually use it…. and If ye' have any special diet in mind, just holler at me and I'll see what I can cook up…"
"I will Gram," I said, "… and thanks for letting me stay, I know mom just sprang this on you out o-"
"No need for that. I should be thanking you for keeping me company," she said with a laugh. "You're about the only ones that visit anymore."
"…"
She moved closer to me and pulled me into a hug. I sank into her embrace, and hugged her back.
"It'll be okay. You'll heal and it will get better eventually… you just need time, some positivity in life and a distraction – a bit of exercise just might be what you need."
It was…
It was exactly what I needed