Phobos VII [Complete]

[vali]

As a question for readers, how are the fights? Are they paced well enough? Too slow? Too difficult to follow? They are a pretty big component of this story, so I would hate for them to be a slog to read.

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I think that Stas has a power that's not all that well suited to writing interesting combat. He always does the same thing, reflects behind the person with his weapon plunging towards them. It's not clear to me if he appears behind people because that's what his power requires, or because that's the best combat move, but either way it makes for combat that's predictable and not very cinematic. Also it reminds me of that stupid meme.

In contrast, look at the magic fights that Brandon Sanderson does. Abilities that enhance movement are common, allowing his characters to heavily interact with the environment, enter new environments, flee and pursue and so on. Knights Radiant fly and fight through wild storms and vast chasms. Mistborn race through foggy cities, with iron being critical to their success. Teleportation accomplishes the same thing, but is simple and boring. "He teleported behind the guy" x20 is just not as compelling.

Have you read Sanderson's rules of magic? Because you should; they're quite good. That links to the first essay in the series.

If you want good combat, you need fun and interesting combat abilities.

 

[HypoSoc]

He always does the same thing, reflects behind the person with his weapon plunging towards them.

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He has done it twice, and it has already stopped working, so I don't feel that is a fair assessment.

 

[vali]

I would remove or re-write this passage.

The fight became a blur, a constant struggle of weapons, magic, and reflection. Every time one of the watchers offered an opening, one of the others would prevent him from capitalizing. Stas was reflect to teleport constantly, never staying in one location, never emerging in the obvious location. The watchers were canny and laid traps for where ever they assumed he would arrive.

Breathing heavily, with no ground gained in a while, and the possibility of even further reinforcements arriving at any time, Stas was forced to consider that he might actually lose the fight.

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You're jumping from intense combat to summarizing the scene then back to intense combat, and it breaks the flow and pacing of the scene. If you want to indicate the relentless nature of the watchers, there are better ways. As for Stas, his realization that he might lose is presented in a bloodless fashion. "was forced to consider that he might", look at all those qualifying words! You handle this much better later on when you say "His heart was beating out of his throat. He needed to heave, but he couldn't let himself falter for a second, couldn't…"

 

[HypoSoc]

. As for Stas, his realization that he might lose is presented in a bloodless fashion. "was forced to consider that he might", look at all those qualifying words!

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It was supposed to be disassociative, a character point about how he doesn't really treat fights as more than an intellectual exercise because they don't have consequences in his mind. But if that falls flat, I will have to reconsider the effect.

This whole exercise is unedited, so consider it very unpolished.

 

[VerBlinkel]

Well Stas just got hit with some mind magic. Though given the lack of hydromancy, unless Enjolras drank it before he walked in, potentially wasting it, I don't see how.

Unless Enjolras can use Aeromancy like Stas...

 

[HypoSoc]

Well Stas just got hit with some mind magic.

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I was wondering if someone would come to that conclusion.

No, not mind magic. Just a teenager being a teenager while tipsy.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Doesn't help much that Stas seriously lacks wisdom. Goes and wins a fight in two seconds. Okay, he needs to be taught some things. Ludo was pretty explicit about that.

Then he goes and takes the advice of someone that he just humiliated about unsanctioned matches. He just shot this man's career in the foot and he takes advice from him to do something foolish.

Then he not only goes to unsanctioned fights, which is certainly something Ludo would disapprove of, he risks breaking the curfew to do it. One of the big rules Ludo laid out for him. And all on the same night he just got chewed out for his dishonorable performance. Not even the sense to wait awhile for Ludo to cool off before doing something dumb.

Then the fight with the guards. No thoughts of consequences. Okay, you ran into a dickhead guard. Couldn't go around to another entrance and try to find a guard who would listen to what he had to say?

And then he gets roped into what appears to be either a terrorist cell or rebel faction of some sort. They seem awfully interested in the Gate. Whatever that really is.

I'm wondering how addled his mind is from the Aeromancy and how much is just being a young kid from the sticks, but this kid needs to learn some of the facts of life. Its one thing to have more balls than brains, but Stas seems to just wander around with his head stuck up his ass giving no thought to anything beyond what's right in front of him.

 

[HypoSoc]

For a traditional arena fighter build, Wisdom is the dump stat of choice.

I mean, dumping strength or constitution is moronic. You need dexterity to get out of binds, and intelligence for handling the magic being thrown around.

And how can you possibly have a career if your charisma is abysmal?

But what could possibly go wrong if you toss your 5 in Wisdom?

 

[Artful Lounger]

True, but you'd think growing up on a farm or something would keep him from being completely oblivious. I think every kid learned things as basic as 'don't punch an authority figure when things don't go your way' and 'wait until your parents aren't angry about the last dumb thing you did before you go break the rules again'.

Honestly, Stas basically has 'Mark' tattooed on his forehead at this point. I think if I tried to sell him a bridge, he'd buy it.

Speaking of being taken for a ride, I don't think these three even offered Stas anything despite letting it slip there's something shady going on. But I guess that'll be saved for when he wanders into the second meeting and they con him into doing something illegal like case the palace or steal something. Don't bait the hook too early I guess. Especially with a fish as easy as this one.

 

[HypoSoc]

True, but you'd think growing up on a farm or something would keep him from being completely oblivious

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He did not grow up on a farm. He's been in some level of training since a young age. It was a very isolating experience.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Hmm, okay so he's borderline a test tube baby. Easier to make gladiators disappear if you don't have to worry about families I guess.

The real question is how much of all this is coincidence and how much was planned and how deep does the rabbit hole go? These guys could be anywhere from trio of local rebels to thieves guild members to interdimensional Agents of Kroll. In which case all bets are off on Hydromancy.

Is Geoffrey in on this? Did he tell Stas to go there knowing his friends would find him there? Or was that just trying to get Stas in trouble. One way to tell will be if Stas goes back and its easy to slip in unnoticed or if people are waiting to bust him. If the former, Geoffrey is probably in on it. If the latter he was getting revenge by getting Stas in trouble. Eponine was either there by chance or gathered the info some other way.

Only thing I'm sure of is that Ludo isn't in on it. If he was these guys would find fresh gladiators a dime a dozen.

 

[TrueNameArchFrenemy]

So THERE is our hydromancer. At least a cut rate one, it seems.

 

[HypoSoc]

So THERE is our hydromancer. At least a cut rate one, it seems.

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People hear what they expect to hear.

So quick question to readers.

November is almost over, but I only got through... let's say a fifth of the planned story (probably even less if I am to be honest. I'll probably end up massively reducing word count when I go and edit it). I plan on finishing this story in a timely manner just to have written something that is done.

I'm guessing based on readership that Polyhistor is more popular, but I am wonder what people's thoughts are on priorities.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Polyhistor comes first, in my opinion. This is nice and all, but I'd value updating the Quest higher.

 

[VerBlinkel]

I enjoy this and hope you continue and finish it, but I value polyhistor more. Then probably Mole. I liked Mole quite a bit.

 

[VerBlinkel]

Probably cute girl: Literal memory altering and perception filtering.

Stas: That sounded like a weak ability, with a weak mindset to match. How would she fair if she were actually forced into a fight? Or under fire from something that didn't have an attention to divert, like a rain of arrows? Neither of her abilities would serve her well in an arena. Never mind that she never goes into the arena.

Stas...I can't help you.
I just...you punch maniac.

 

[Orm Embar]

For a someone who's a gladiator and not a charioteer, our boy Stas seems to have a one track mind.​

 

[HypoSoc]

Probably cute girl: Literal memory altering and perception filtering.

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You can consider her cute. She is conventionally attractive, and is in a position of privilege where she can take good care of herself.

For a someone who's a gladiator and not a charioteer, our boy Stas seems to have a one track mind.​

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Fun fact that will probably never fit into the story at large, but remains true:
The chariot races are just as magical as the gladiatorial combat.

They are effectively a live action Mario Kart.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Rebel faction, I had a feeling. A little bigger than what I expected, but far too few to hope to effect change on a caste-based society of four or five million.

The real question, in my mind, is how much they know about the Princeps. Admittedly, we know very little about Von Graft as a person. We know he set up this whole society to increase his own power perpetually and he's got a massive murder-boner for Charlemagne for some reason. That's about it. But from what we know I don't think there's any hope of this man stepping down from power in the gladiator farm he set up. The fact that he decided to set up a new society to empower himself like this demonstrates a great deal of patience.

I think these rebels are doomed to fail. They can try to corrupt the guard and the Senate and all the rest, but it doesn't matter because the Princeps himself holds sufficient power to balance the books all by himself. Even in the worst case scenario for him, where the entire city turns on him, he can destroy it all with his own two hands and start over. Unless Von Graft is of a temperament where forcing him to abdicate his position is a possibility, or they can uncover some means of killing him or detaining him, they have zero chance of doing this.

But they've only referred to Von Graft in the sense of a political enemy. A bureaucratic and borderline religious figure of authority. Not a military power in and of himself. So that means that the Princeps' personal power is either unknown or is relegated to myth as something like 'the protector of the city', assuming the power behind such a title refers to the Watchers and other troops at his command. I don't think they'll realize what kind of force they're up against until its too late.

 

[HypoSoc]

Rebel faction, I had a feeling. A little bigger than what I expected, but far too few to hope to effect change on a caste-based society of four or five million.

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The "allies" mentioned are probably more expansive than you are thinking, as it it is an extensive network. The people at the hideout are only the ones who are fully aware of the group.
But you are correct that this isn't 10% of the population waiting in the wings to revolt at the crack of dawn.

But they've only referred to Von Graft in the sense of a political enemy. A bureaucratic and borderline religious figure of authority. Not a military power in and of himself. So that means that the Princeps' personal power is either unknown or is relegated to myth as something like 'the protector of the city', assuming the power behind such a title refers to the Watchers and other troops at his command.

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That's a spot on analysis. And I'm glad the "borderline religious" concept is coming through.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Oh, it certainly is. Although how they refer to him convinces me they don't have a clue what the man is capable of on a personal level. So the whole movement is doomed to fail as it stands, since they are acting like the Princeps is an ordinary man. A plain old coup won't really work when your enemy has the personal ability to destroy the city and everything in it at will. Not to mention the disparity in magical knowledge.

I mean, from what we know Von Graft's government is in a cold war with Kroll's Hydromancy Division. The fact that someone can engage in such a conflict with Kroll at all points to a certain, not inconsiderable amount of expertise. And Von Graft certainly has a, for lack of a better term, First World knowledge of magical theory and how it works, compared to the rest of his world's relative Third World understanding of it.

I don't doubt that he has a group of agents who know how magic really works and are considerably skilled in its use. He wouldn't be able to avoid getting rolled by Kroll otherwise. So yeah, Libertas is doomed. They'll survive only so long as they remain beneath notice. The moment Von Graft actually notices them and considers it worth the time of his real enforcers to root them out, its game over for them.

 

[HypoSoc]

So... that is about it for NaNoWriMo. I have about 1600 words remaining, which will be unlikely to finish up chapter fifteen. I do not know when I will get around to finishing and posting chapter fifteen as I won't have the same impetus as I did for the first fourteen chapters. But I do plan on finishing this story, as I have already plotted it out from start to finish. It will no longer be to the exclusion of Polyhistor, though. I am thinking about trying to get one chapter of this done a week, or thereabouts.

As far as plot progress, chapter fourteen marks the end of act two, of about ten planned acts. The other acts aren't necessarily as long as this one, but I have come to learn that I am terrible at estimating length.

They probably won't be as bloated as these ones were, as I don't have word count goals any more. NaNoWriMo provides a perverse incentive towards being verbose, but forcing me to sit down and write things far more than makes up for it in terms of plot written per month.

If anyone wants to be spoiled, I am open to answering questions as to planned direction. Or you can keep on reading at the much slower pace from now on.

Hopefully this entire thing will be done before next November, but that may be ambitious.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Well, if you're okay with spoilers, how does Phobos tie in with the stories of Phobos II and others we learned of in Polyhistor? And will Von Graft actually appear as a character at any point or will he remain a distant figure in the background?

 

[TrueNameArchFrenemy]

Can Von Graft assimilate Aeromancy to a certain degree? If I recall correctly, I think a comment was made to that effect at one point, I'm just surprised he hasn't encouraged aeromantic lore to a certain degree if it's the case. If he has trouble with hydromancy, or simply an intense dislike/distrust/complications with it because of Kroll, I'm surprised he's stuck to purely geomancy so far in terms of his "farm".

 

[HypoSoc]

Well, if you're okay with spoilers, how does Phobos tie in with the stories of Phobos II and others we learned of in Polyhistor?

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Spoiler

It's the same mask, and the same lineage of Phoba.

But since every single Phobos took the mask after the previous Phobos died, and without their permission, you could argue the stories don't relate.

And will Von Graft actually appear as a character at any point or will he remain a distant figure in the background?

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Spoiler

Von Graft does appear in this story, and will get personally involved in at least one fight. But the story isn't about the Princeps, so closer to 'a distant figure in the background' than 'a charchter of the novel.'

Can Von Graft assimilate Aeromancy to a certain degree?

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Spoiler

Von Graft's Aeromancy explicitly allows for the assimilation of Aeromancy. Hydromancy is the problem branch.

I'm surprised he's stuck to purely geomancy so far in terms of his "farm".

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Spoiler

Magic in Von Graft's world is supremely fucked up, for reasons the story will explain. This makes Aeromancy farming inordinately difficult.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Huh. So, what exactly is Von Graft's Concept?

 

[HypoSoc]

Huh. So, what exactly is Von Graft's Concept?

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Grafting.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Well, that's rather on the nose.

Okay, the big one. Why does this guy want to kill Charlemagne so bad? Did the old guy steal his girlfriend or something? Or is it just a matter of challenging a worthy foe?

 

[HypoSoc]

Well, that's rather on the nose.

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It's a chosen name.

Okay, the big one. Why does this guy want to kill Charlemagne so bad? Did the old guy steal his girlfriend or something? Or is it just a matter of challenging a worthy foe?

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This is something I want to keep a spoiler because I am interested if people figure it out.

But I will give a hint since I have given conflicting information at some point way early on when I hadn't fully settled on things:

Spoiler

Von Graft and Charlemagne knew each other in childhood. The animus is personal, and one sided, mostly because Charlemagne does not know who Von Graft is.

 

[Artful Lounger]

Spoiler: spoiler

Um, wow. I figured that the two of them knew each other since you said they were contemporaries. So I figured whatever caused the feud had to happen way back when. But the guy's got to have a few screws loose if he spends centuries building an entire civilization for the sake of farming top tier fighters. All so Sempai will notice him.