Chapter 3 A Kitsune freak-out?!
The way to the library passed peacefully, ironically. I guess even though my "kitsune" side hates humans, I wouldn't just randomly kill any that dare bump into me. Good to know really. Otherwise the bus ride would have turned into a blood bath.
But here I am standing in front of the library. It's actually a pretty old building with fading colors. But, it's a good library. One that wouldn't really question why a student is skipping school. Sure I might get a disapproving frown from the old librarian, but she wouldn't make a fuss.
I had slipped out of school a few times to come here. Times when the bullying started to really get to me. Times when they started getting me really angry, angry enough that I almost did something I'd regret. Like smashing Emma's face in a locker when she would reveal yet another secret I shared with her.
But no, I didn't do that.
Because it would have been too obvious. Instead I just schooled my features and just endured yet another
indignity, like I always did. And added it to the
list.
I used to think my temper came from my father, but now I'm not so sure. I don't like to get angry. Anger never really solves anything.
It didn't bring mom back when I saw father yelling at her corpse. So I've always took deep breaths to calm down.
Now though, I'm not so sure it would work. Something is messing with my head. I am angry, but also afraid. I'm afraid to find out what happened to me, which is why I've been hesitating to enter the library and just been staring at it for the past couple of minutes.
Not long enough to garner attention, but long enough that it wont be long before someone decides to bother me. Which would be rather unfortunate.
With a sigh, I started walking towards the entrance. Hesitant steps becoming more and more confidant as I reached my normal stride. I may be afraid at what I would find, but I need to find out what I am. For better or for worse.
I showed my card to the old librarian, and signed my name on the list so I could use a computer. Normally, if the library is busy, you can only spend a certain amount of time on a computer. But I guess I lucked out on coming here when I did.
Though the old woman did give me a small disapproving frown that I'm used to, the library is practically empty. I could still hear shuffling from people picking out their books and moving them around, but I'm rather alone in here. Which is a good thing because I don't like being crowded. It's not a new thing, I never liked crowds when growing up. One of the reasons I had problems making friends with other kids.
Still, even though the library is mostly empty at this time, I went to one of the more isolated computer stations. It also had the bonus of being practically out of sight from security cameras.
That satisfied my new found paranoia I've gained. With that said, I booted up the system, which took awhile as the computers here are a bit old, and when everything finally loaded I got on Internet explorer and typed in Kitsune on the search bar.
I think I made a
terrible mistake when doing that.
A lot of the search results that came up were rather adult oriented, and well... an annoying meme of "touch the fluffy tail" also kept popping up.
I knew one thing, if
anyone touches my fluffy tails without my explicit permission... I will break them.
Then I found some of the relevant links. I don't know whether to be horrified at some of the things I found, or angry.
I don't know how accurate my searches were, or how accurate the Wiki is but, most of the things I've read on kitsune painted a mixed picture.
Kitsune are tricksters, sometimes very vicious tricksters. Some were messengers of a god named Inari, some were worshiped in their own right. But trying to separate the myths from true facts is impossible. Besides the Hoshi no Tama. I don't have one. Which I am thankful for that.
What else I found, was how kitsune were seen by humans. They were taken as lovers, as holy guardians, seen as irredeemable monsters, creatures to fear, or a sickness in the case of a kitsune possession, and objects of hatred. The humans couldn't make up their minds.
Not to mention the cousins of kitsune who were always portrayed as monsters that ate human livers.
Which is disgusting.Even when I was younger and curious, I only ate two humans whole. Which only netted me an upset stomach and regret. Bastards managed to run off while I was distracted, so I couldn't kill them for the insult.
As I continued reading various stories on kitsune, but I found myself getting increasingly agitated.
Some of the things I found, horrified me. Like the fact that humans would isolate a kitsune that was possessing someone and wait for the human to die, or just beat up the human in hopes that the kitsune would leave it.
Some of the things I found angered me, greatly. Like Tamamo no Mae's fate. All she wanted was be loved, but she was blamed for poisoning the emperor and hunted down like an
animal. She
begged for her life to be spared, because she was
kind. She didn't want to kill the pathetic
humans that were sent to kill her. But of course the humans didn't care about her side and she allowed herself get killed by them.
I would have just killed them all, for a nine-tails, Tamamo no Mae was rather naive about human nature.
After reading that, and other versions of the myth that painted Tamamo no Mae as the worlds greatest murder in history,
which in itself doesn't make sense, since you don't murder an insect when you squash it. It was obviously the humans way of making themselves feel better for killing her, painting her as a monster to assuage their own guilt.The mouse started to creek as my grip tightened around it. I forced myself to take a break.
I tried calming down, but my conflicting emotions wouldn't. I was breathing heavily and worked up a nervous sweat. My anger wasn't at the level where others would feel it yet but it probably would be getting there soon. That is, if the part of me that is human wasn't having a nervous breakdown.
You see, I found out what probably happened to me and ignored it in favor of reading the Tamamo no Mae myth and looking up some more abilities I might have as a nine-tailed kitsune, but I couldn't ignore it forever.
Reincarnation; at some point in time a nine-tailed kitsune met my mother and went into one of her unborn embryos. Sorta like possession but not. Kitsunes generally only do it if they are greatly weakened.
But what does that make me? Am I Taylor Hebert, the rail thin, bullied, awkward, loner girl or am I a thousand year old fox just masquerading as Taylor in order to get their strength back?
I already know I'm different from when I woke up. I've become more violent and uncaring. My thoughts stray on to odd tangents. I have knowledge that I shouldn't have, and I never had a harder time controlling my temper than today. Doesn't that mean my kitsune side is finally awakening after getting it's strength back? Am I going to disappear?
The very thought chilled my body more than the cool, air-conditioned air of the library.
Some part of me, deep down, wouldn't mind that happening. But I still want to live, I still want to be myself. Doesn't matter if I was
weak enough to let others beat me down. I still want to be me, but at the same, I could only ask myself, "why"?
I could do so much as a kitsune. I could take the fight to the gangs, help rid this city of such
filth. There is so much I could do, that I couldn't as "Taylor Hebert," normal human girl.
As my thoughts continued, my hands tightened into fists and my body twitched like I was ready to just slam my fist down and
break the desk before me.
I...I...I need to calm down. Taking deep, calming breaths helped, but not fully. I'm also thankful that I picked such an out of the way computer to work with, no one saw me freaking out. Having someone ask if I'm alright or something would have only caused more problems than such condolences are worth.
Just to make sure that no one saw, or is coming this way to check on me, I took a few quick looks around. Seeing no one, I decided to go back on the computer. This time I searched for calming techniques, maybe ways I can keep my relative sanity when dealing with such conflicting emotions. I had already learned all I want to know about this worlds kitsune. Finding a way to make sure I am calm was much more important.
Most of my search results were useless, or just down right pointless for me to try. Some even suggested getting a hobby, such as knitting, or another hobby or two that are meticulous. I was ready to dismiss this entire search until one result caught my eye.
Meditation.
Making another quick search, apparently there are many ways to go about it, whether in a peaceful place, or not. Supposedly, it would help you maintain a calm state of mind, or clear your head of useless thoughts. Something in my gut tells me meditation would useful for other things as well, but it still sounded like something I need.
Maybe I could use it to pick out what thoughts are not mine, and what thoughts are the fox? Either way, I read on how one goes about meditating, and it's surprisingly simple. But I had a niggling feeling that there is a catch on why it's so easy. Maybe it's just hard to quiet your thoughts?
I'll be sure to find out later. Right now, I decided that it was time to leave. Clearing my search history and shutting the computer off, I got up and started walking towards the exit. I made sure to bid the librarian a good afternoon, if only to keep up the pretence that there is nothing wrong with me.
Which, of course, there is. After all, I found out a quite a few worrying things about me, my existence, and my fragile sanity. I took another deep breath after leaving the library. 'No Taylor... don't start breaking down here.' I thought and then started walking again. 'I need to find a nice quiet place to try out meditation.' But I had a feeling things are not going to be so simple even if I do learn how to meditate.
The bus ride to the local park was cramped and made me realize the bad side of having enhanced senses. Humans smell terrible in enclosed spaces, and are rather noisy. Still, at least I didn't have the urge to end them, even though they annoyed me. That's progress I guess.
As I walk through the park and head further down a trail in the woods I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. The tall trees, the smell of the air, the sound of small animals scurrying about is all familiar to me. I always did feel at peace everytime mother would take me down this path. More at home than I ever felt in the city. I guess I know why now.
It's one of the reasons why I chose to come here than returning home. I couldn't help but sigh when I thought of home. I really did not want to face my father right now. I don't know whether he would be disappointed or angry at me for receiving a two week suspension from school, or maybe worried about me since I witnessed Blackwell nearly dieing. I'm a bit surprised that the police didn't seem to have called him or anything. At least I hope they didn't.
Oh well, that's one thing I'll need to deal with when I head home. I don't think it's time for him to be home anyway. Still, walking through the woods is rather peaceful to me, and there is a clearing ahead that people rarely come to that would be perfect to try out meditation.
When I reached the clearing, on a whim, I changed back to the form I woke up in this morning. All nine of my tails are out and this time it seems I didn't need to make a whole in my jeans. Which is good, and kinda makes me wonder if my shape-shifting also affects clothes. Something to think about later.
I started to stretch a bit, to work out the "kinks" I felt from staying in my Taylor form for so long. Which brings me back to the reason I'm here in the first place. Am I already thinking of Taylor Hebert as nothing but a mask to show people?
I know I feel much better like this. All the problems I had with the Taylor body are gone, I'm no longer too tall and thin with lanky limbs. Instead, my body is more developed with a much more mature figure. Though having reddish-orange hair is odd for a human, I'm not a human now, but a kitsune assuming a human form.
I sighed once more. It always comes back to that doesn't? Am I Taylor Hebert, a human who turns into a kitsune, or am I a kitsune believing herself to be a human? All I know is, this question didn't bother me as much as it did in the library.
"Taking a form that's somewhere in-between must be helping with that." I mused and walked towards the center of the clearing.
"Still this area really brings back memories." I said and sat down at the center of the clearing. Content to feel the breeze. "I wonder if talking to myself means I'm going crazy?"
I sighed again. This time I crossed my legs and moved my hands to the center of my lap, mimicking the meditative position I saw on the Internet.
I closed my eyes and started trying to clear my thoughts, but my mind couldn't help but wonder whether being crazy is a likely possibility for my situation. I could very well just be a delusional parahuman that thinks she's a centuries old kitsune.
But that wouldn't explain some of the memories. Like who was the first human besides the old man who befriended me.
Naruto. Or what chakra is.
A force of nature. Or was that just information planted in my head so I'll be able to use my power without months on end experimenting?
My instincts say that that's wrong, but when did I develop those instincts? Another facet of my power? How can I trust what I 'know'?
My thoughts continued to drift,to my home, to the parents that raised me, and my
other memories that I have forgotten.
It wasn't until later that my head finally cleared and I opened my eyes. I was in a forest, but not the one I meditated in. This was the forest of my birth, the forest where the old man raised me and my siblings when we were little. I saw where the forest merged with a run down city. I saw the house I currently called home, where I was raised as Taylor Hebert.
Above all I saw a fox as big as a mountain. His color a blood red and orange mix. He stared back at me, his lips curled in a fierce snarl, as if he was angry. But I could tell he wasn't. Even if he was baring his teeth at me, he's not actually angry. I don't know how I could tell, but I just knew.
A name came to me. One that felt like I had known my entire life.
"Kurama." I said causing the fox to smirk at me with amusement. Yes... Kurama used to be my name. Or is it his name?
"Who am I?" I asked and "Kurama" only tilted his head in puzzlement.
But there was one more issue I couldn't help but notice. One in hindsight, wasn't really all too important.
What happened to Kurama's ninth tail?