jaelin910
habitual lurker
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 502
- Likes received
- 3,303
thank you for that reminder
is one of my favourite lines from this whole thing.
as a side note, I noticed this typo while re-reading chapter 10
As long as you promise
-
The site has now migrated to Xenforo 2. If you see any issues with the forum operation, please post them in the feedback thread.
-
Due to issues with external spam filters, QQ is currently unable to send any mail to Microsoft E-mail addresses. This includes any account at live.com, hotmail.com or msn.com. Signing up to the forum with one of these addresses will result in your verification E-mail never arriving. For best results, please use a different E-mail provider for your QQ address.
-
The rules regarding NSFW links have been updated. See here for details.
as a side note, I noticed this typo while re-reading chapter 10
Amelia, Ch 196
TanaNari
Verified Dick
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 26,860
- Likes received
- 287,206
Amelia, Ch 196
"Food, as promised," Victoria announced, handing me a cardboard container that had gone cold a while ago. She passed another one over to Taylor. "You should have told me you'd be having a press conference after the meeting."
We pulled open the boxes. She wasn't joking about the ribs plan. Lukewarm food wasn't exactly my favorite plan, but considering Pantheon's schedule, it was a pretty common part of our diet. Still better than hospital food, at least.
"Lisa still doing her announcement?" I asked.
"Yup," Taylor sighed. "Since we..." she glanced at Vicky. "Retroactive kill order notwithstanding, we have to consider Houston a failure from a PR perspective."
"Are you saying we should have let that fucker get away with..." Vicky's face went hard. She killed someone, I thought for at least the fiftieth time today. My sister straight up killed someone.
"No," Taylor interrupted. "Put me in that situation a thousand times, and I'd do the same thing every one of them. I would have killed him myself, if his power wasn't such a hard counter to mine. We did the right thing."
"So what's the problem?" she asked. "Because this is looking like a pretty mixed message right now."
"It is mixed messages. Even worse, it's politics," Taylor sighed. FrustrationDisgust. "We have to be strong, without making normal people get scared of us. We just reminded them that we can, and will, use lethal force. It's bad enough that we're flaunting our Class S status so hard as a means of intimidation. We just carried out a mission across four states in one afternoon, in a bigger show of force than most countries can unleash. And in the process, we killed one of those parahumans that's supposedly damn near unkillable. That scares people, and scared people do stupid things."
"Welcome to the world stage," I sighed. "Watched by millions, perhaps even billions... and if we fuck up even once, it could result in a civilization ending crisis."
"Well, I always did want to be famous," Vicky smiled. "So what do we do now?"
"As little as possible," Taylor replied. "Now we mostly support our allies. Let them do the job of subduing what remains of criminal elements in their areas. Maybe do some community outreach stuff. Nice, safe, stuff that doesn't frighten people. Build up for the next Endbringer. Unless we absolutely have to, that's our next important mission."
"So more of that hurry up and wait shit, huh?" she sighed. She stood there for a couple minutes, not saying anything as we ate. "I... um... wanted to say thanks for standing up for me after I killed Baal."
"I gave the command," Taylor replied. "Makes it my responsibility."
"We both know I would have gone in without your permission," she insisted.
"And I would have given the command even if you would have listened," Taylor countered. "We both played our roles. Dinah's prediction came true, as they tend to do. Yeah, our image took a bit of a hit from this, but it's really not that bad, and it got rid of one of the worst excuses for a human being left on the continent. Like I said, I'd do it a thousand times out of a thousand."
"You could have thrown me under the bus, either way," Vicky pointed out. "After..." she hesitated. "After what happened earlier, I wouldn't be surprised."
"You were just trying to protect Amelia," she dismissed. "I've done a lot worse for a lot less." I smiled, but opted not to say anything. I spoke through my link, telling Taylor just how grateful I was to her for this. She wouldn't hear words, of course, but the message would be clear.
"Well, that was enormously easier than I thought it'd be," Vicky smiled. "I kinda expected you to be more pissed off about all of that mess."
"Read the press release," Taylor offered. "Pantheon's all about second chances. We founded ourselves on that idea. If I can give one to Emma, and any of us can give one to Riley, then fuck it, you're not so bad."
"We should probably talk about that," I said to Vicky. "I'm sorry about hiding it-"
"No need," she interrupted. "I knew you were keeping a secret, and I wanted to know what it was because I was afraid it might hurt you. Now I know better and we can all go back to normal. Life goes on."
"It doesn't bother you?" I asked hesitantly.
"Honestly, Ames?" she sighed. "Not right now. Yeah, it's weird and all... but I've got other things to think about. Like wondering if every time my parents hugged me, was it only because my power forced them to? Which of my friends were really friends? Did Dean ever actually love me? Did anyone? No offense, but I really have no idea what to think anymore."
Oh fuck. "Wow... when you put it that way," I muttered. "God, I must sound so egotistical." I stood up and moved toward Vicky, pulling her into a hug. She didn't resist, but didn't really hug back. I was vaguely aware that I was making both Taylor and Vicky uncomfortable, which of course made me uncomfortable. "Sorry," I said as I let go.
"No, it's fine," Vicky replied. She was lying, and I knew that from our contact. "It's not your fault that my old power fucked with you like that. And everyone. I should be apologizing for what I did to you."
I cringed inwardly. And then there's what I did right back to her, and I'm still lying to her about. "It's fine," I said lamely. Vicky ignored the lie just as I ignored hers. It very much wasn't fine, but we seemed to come to an unspoken agreement to just let it go.
"Yeah," she offered a half hearted smile. "Well, now that that's settled, I'm going to go talk to Riley and Emma. That fight gave me a few ideas for the armor, then I'll spend the rest of the evening with Mom."
Vicky left the room in a rush, and I looked back at Taylor, not knowing what to say. She didn't have any words, either, simply offering me a pulse of support and trust through the link. It was a good thing to have, under the circumstances. I simply walked over to her. She tossed both our carry out boxes onto the floor in the corner, where the Yggdrasil ate them. I sat down next to her and lay down on her lap.
"Are you okay?" she asked me, stroking my hair.
"Not really," I sighed. "God, this whole time I was afraid of what she'd think about me after she found out. I didn't even think about what this would mean to her. Mom and Dad. Everyone else. Fuck, how selfish am I?"
"You're the least selfish person I've ever met," Taylor insisted.
"Then I'm just stupid," I argued.
"Hardly," she scoffed. "But your sister's good at hiding her thoughts. A lot like Zach."
"I really wish people would stop saying that," I muttered.
AmusementAnticipation. "I think I have a way to cheer you up," she informed me.
Uh oh. "What?" I turned my head to look up at her.
"Give me a few minutes," she smiled. A short while later, there was a knock on the door, which I opened on reflex. Taylor's changeling walked in.
"Umm... Taylor?" I asked, as the doll started taking off its shirt. I looked away, embarrassed.
"Well, we never thought to change my body double to match my new figure," she pointed out. "Which means," she grabbed my head and turned it back to where the changeling was wearing a rather skimpy two piece bikini.
I couldn't help it, I laughed.
"You know," she whispered. "I can think of a lot of things I can do with two of me."
I felt the doll's hand rest on my lower leg. I was no longer laughing. "Like what?" I whispered back. My leg was held by the changeling, and it pressed its thumbs into my foot, eliciting a popping sensation. I gasped, and she smiled.
"I've been reading up on massage therapy," Taylor informed me.
=========
A/N- See. Everything was totally innocent. Taylor knew that Amelia's feet hurt, and is just being considerate. Nothing dirty here at all.
Unless you're a dendropheliac. In which case... hehe... Woodpeckers...
Okay, yeah, I might be having too much fun with the site.
"Food, as promised," Victoria announced, handing me a cardboard container that had gone cold a while ago. She passed another one over to Taylor. "You should have told me you'd be having a press conference after the meeting."
We pulled open the boxes. She wasn't joking about the ribs plan. Lukewarm food wasn't exactly my favorite plan, but considering Pantheon's schedule, it was a pretty common part of our diet. Still better than hospital food, at least.
"Lisa still doing her announcement?" I asked.
"Yup," Taylor sighed. "Since we..." she glanced at Vicky. "Retroactive kill order notwithstanding, we have to consider Houston a failure from a PR perspective."
"Are you saying we should have let that fucker get away with..." Vicky's face went hard. She killed someone, I thought for at least the fiftieth time today. My sister straight up killed someone.
"No," Taylor interrupted. "Put me in that situation a thousand times, and I'd do the same thing every one of them. I would have killed him myself, if his power wasn't such a hard counter to mine. We did the right thing."
"So what's the problem?" she asked. "Because this is looking like a pretty mixed message right now."
"It is mixed messages. Even worse, it's politics," Taylor sighed. FrustrationDisgust. "We have to be strong, without making normal people get scared of us. We just reminded them that we can, and will, use lethal force. It's bad enough that we're flaunting our Class S status so hard as a means of intimidation. We just carried out a mission across four states in one afternoon, in a bigger show of force than most countries can unleash. And in the process, we killed one of those parahumans that's supposedly damn near unkillable. That scares people, and scared people do stupid things."
"Welcome to the world stage," I sighed. "Watched by millions, perhaps even billions... and if we fuck up even once, it could result in a civilization ending crisis."
"Well, I always did want to be famous," Vicky smiled. "So what do we do now?"
"As little as possible," Taylor replied. "Now we mostly support our allies. Let them do the job of subduing what remains of criminal elements in their areas. Maybe do some community outreach stuff. Nice, safe, stuff that doesn't frighten people. Build up for the next Endbringer. Unless we absolutely have to, that's our next important mission."
"So more of that hurry up and wait shit, huh?" she sighed. She stood there for a couple minutes, not saying anything as we ate. "I... um... wanted to say thanks for standing up for me after I killed Baal."
"I gave the command," Taylor replied. "Makes it my responsibility."
"We both know I would have gone in without your permission," she insisted.
"And I would have given the command even if you would have listened," Taylor countered. "We both played our roles. Dinah's prediction came true, as they tend to do. Yeah, our image took a bit of a hit from this, but it's really not that bad, and it got rid of one of the worst excuses for a human being left on the continent. Like I said, I'd do it a thousand times out of a thousand."
"You could have thrown me under the bus, either way," Vicky pointed out. "After..." she hesitated. "After what happened earlier, I wouldn't be surprised."
"You were just trying to protect Amelia," she dismissed. "I've done a lot worse for a lot less." I smiled, but opted not to say anything. I spoke through my link, telling Taylor just how grateful I was to her for this. She wouldn't hear words, of course, but the message would be clear.
"Well, that was enormously easier than I thought it'd be," Vicky smiled. "I kinda expected you to be more pissed off about all of that mess."
"Read the press release," Taylor offered. "Pantheon's all about second chances. We founded ourselves on that idea. If I can give one to Emma, and any of us can give one to Riley, then fuck it, you're not so bad."
"We should probably talk about that," I said to Vicky. "I'm sorry about hiding it-"
"No need," she interrupted. "I knew you were keeping a secret, and I wanted to know what it was because I was afraid it might hurt you. Now I know better and we can all go back to normal. Life goes on."
"It doesn't bother you?" I asked hesitantly.
"Honestly, Ames?" she sighed. "Not right now. Yeah, it's weird and all... but I've got other things to think about. Like wondering if every time my parents hugged me, was it only because my power forced them to? Which of my friends were really friends? Did Dean ever actually love me? Did anyone? No offense, but I really have no idea what to think anymore."
Oh fuck. "Wow... when you put it that way," I muttered. "God, I must sound so egotistical." I stood up and moved toward Vicky, pulling her into a hug. She didn't resist, but didn't really hug back. I was vaguely aware that I was making both Taylor and Vicky uncomfortable, which of course made me uncomfortable. "Sorry," I said as I let go.
"No, it's fine," Vicky replied. She was lying, and I knew that from our contact. "It's not your fault that my old power fucked with you like that. And everyone. I should be apologizing for what I did to you."
I cringed inwardly. And then there's what I did right back to her, and I'm still lying to her about. "It's fine," I said lamely. Vicky ignored the lie just as I ignored hers. It very much wasn't fine, but we seemed to come to an unspoken agreement to just let it go.
"Yeah," she offered a half hearted smile. "Well, now that that's settled, I'm going to go talk to Riley and Emma. That fight gave me a few ideas for the armor, then I'll spend the rest of the evening with Mom."
Vicky left the room in a rush, and I looked back at Taylor, not knowing what to say. She didn't have any words, either, simply offering me a pulse of support and trust through the link. It was a good thing to have, under the circumstances. I simply walked over to her. She tossed both our carry out boxes onto the floor in the corner, where the Yggdrasil ate them. I sat down next to her and lay down on her lap.
"Are you okay?" she asked me, stroking my hair.
"Not really," I sighed. "God, this whole time I was afraid of what she'd think about me after she found out. I didn't even think about what this would mean to her. Mom and Dad. Everyone else. Fuck, how selfish am I?"
"You're the least selfish person I've ever met," Taylor insisted.
"Then I'm just stupid," I argued.
"Hardly," she scoffed. "But your sister's good at hiding her thoughts. A lot like Zach."
"I really wish people would stop saying that," I muttered.
AmusementAnticipation. "I think I have a way to cheer you up," she informed me.
Uh oh. "What?" I turned my head to look up at her.
"Give me a few minutes," she smiled. A short while later, there was a knock on the door, which I opened on reflex. Taylor's changeling walked in.
"Umm... Taylor?" I asked, as the doll started taking off its shirt. I looked away, embarrassed.
"Well, we never thought to change my body double to match my new figure," she pointed out. "Which means," she grabbed my head and turned it back to where the changeling was wearing a rather skimpy two piece bikini.
I couldn't help it, I laughed.
"You know," she whispered. "I can think of a lot of things I can do with two of me."
I felt the doll's hand rest on my lower leg. I was no longer laughing. "Like what?" I whispered back. My leg was held by the changeling, and it pressed its thumbs into my foot, eliciting a popping sensation. I gasped, and she smiled.
"I've been reading up on massage therapy," Taylor informed me.
=========
A/N- See. Everything was totally innocent. Taylor knew that Amelia's feet hurt, and is just being considerate. Nothing dirty here at all.
Unless you're a dendropheliac. In which case... hehe... Woodpeckers...
Okay, yeah, I might be having too much fun with the site.
Last edited:
Alterego9
Know what you're doing yet?
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2015
- Messages
- 134
- Likes received
- 477
Still not even remotely as much as the commenters.
The story's naughtytude changed from vague references about not havng sex, to explicit references about not having sex.
The reactions have changed from debates over personhood and explosion physics, to a tidal wave of "SEXSEXxxxBONERSEXxxxVAGINAxLESBIANSxxxASEXUALSEXxxxORGASMSEXSEXxxxTEENSEXxLESBIANVAGINASEX.
dasstan
:)
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 4,651
- Likes received
- 24,102
Taylioria confirmed!
It isn't?
Italics.
Intentionally redundant, or...?
I'm glad one of the two stands up to Vicky. Taylor's going to have to have a chat with Amelia about how permissive Amy is.
*silent screaming*
Mom.
cosoco
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2014
- Messages
- 312
- Likes received
- 1,821
You're partially correct:
Resources, not space, appears to be the bounding factor. However, if you somehow figured out a way to get around conservation of energy/mass, then you'd probably run into space limitations eventually.Interlude 26.x said:
Slayer Anderson
Orthodox Heretic
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2014
- Messages
- 9,502
- Likes received
- 435,525
Taylor wins Best Hereosexual Life Partner for this Chapter.
Sad Vicky is Sad...and I'm not sure I want to know what Carol's thoughts are going to be on the 'aura brainwashing' subject. At best, I'd guess 'terribly conflicted.'
Sad Vicky is Sad...and I'm not sure I want to know what Carol's thoughts are going to be on the 'aura brainwashing' subject. At best, I'd guess 'terribly conflicted.'
dasstan
:)
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 4,651
- Likes received
- 24,102
"Are all my kids supervillains in the making? This is all Mark's fault. Fucking Mark."
edit: Also, because I don't think anyone did it...
Wow, Pantheon was really on the Baal with that retroactive kill order, huh?
Nigel Burnelli Isaacs
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 437
- Likes received
- 2,610
Nice update, which explores the fallout of the Pantheon killing Baal and stopping his crew while dealing with similar threats in the whole country,it is also good to see that they are aware of how their S classness might unnerve people. But the best bit of the update is the exploration, well the beginning of it, of how Victoria feels and the beginnings of her realising her former power's consequences.
Spetz N9ne
Making the rounds.
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2015
- Messages
- 29
- Likes received
- 247
Quick heads up, new chapter is not listed in the index as of this posting.
I'd have to go look it up, but I thought that someone (Lisa?) explicitly mentioned that Dean was immune to Vicky's aura, and vice versa. Part of why they were a couple even when the fought all the time was that they were the only people either could have a "real" relationship with, without powers interfering.
...Unless that is just a random bit of fanon that I picked up somewhere.
FTFY
Hexed999
I trust you know where the happy button is?
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2015
- Messages
- 715
- Likes received
- 1,249
I take it that this is reason that this is the reason 70,000 people would've died if they had killed Nilbog?
tsuknoryu2986
Not too sore, are you?
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2014
- Messages
- 435
- Likes received
- 699
The reason is that they're pretty sure Nilbog has a last 'fuck everyone ' ready in case he dies.
Beyogi
I trust you know where the happy button is?
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2014
- Messages
- 953
- Likes received
- 2,507
Hm... yeah the political fallout of this kind of stuff is going to hurt. In the future they should probably get kill orders before they start the mission.
And maybe get Vicky into therapy... or their other members. Or themselves.
And maybe get Vicky into therapy... or their other members. Or themselves.
Hexed999
I trust you know where the happy button is?
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2015
- Messages
- 715
- Likes received
- 1,249
But that doesn't quite work since they resorted to some pretty extreme containment measures toward the end of their planning and they still would've had those 70,000 casualties. Unless Nilbog had a secondary ability or a cell of minions outside of Ellisburg it doesn't seem likely he's capable of a "fuck everyone" that could've completely avoided Pantheon's containment measures.
Edit: Of course it could be a bit of both - anything effective enough to catch the "fuck you" results in someone else getting scared enough to try and do something about Pantheon
Finbar
I trust you know where the happy button is?
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2014
- Messages
- 990
- Likes received
- 14,014
You know, i can see Zach winding up with Vicky and Emma together.
Both will look incredibly smug about it, Zach will alternate between shock with a side order of 'What the hell?', Pride, and Gibbering Terror.
And no one will think it is abnormal.
Both will look incredibly smug about it, Zach will alternate between shock with a side order of 'What the hell?', Pride, and Gibbering Terror.
And no one will think it is abnormal.
dasstan
:)
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 4,651
- Likes received
- 24,102
On the bright side, there won't be a pregnancy plot because Emma is sterile and Vicky's a shapeshifter.
edit: Upon a moment's reflection, I am going to amend this to say "there won't be a natural pregnancy plot," because nothing is outside of the realm of possibility when Riley is in play.
Slayer Anderson
Orthodox Heretic
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2014
- Messages
- 9,502
- Likes received
- 435,525
Snake/Eater
Myth Maker of the North
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2015
- Messages
- 6,421
- Likes received
- 7,561
add in the possibility he's a celibate vampire or highlander with low stamina.....
dasstan
:)
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 4,651
- Likes received
- 24,102
I like to pretend that Zach can at least get off properly, if only because otherwise his life would suck even more than it does.
Snake/Eater
Myth Maker of the North
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2015
- Messages
- 6,421
- Likes received
- 7,561
Last edited:
evildice
(emotionally stable clown posse)
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 21,204
- Likes received
- 348,020
on the bright side,He would be called the prince of the universe.
Emma: "You want us to call you Princess of the Universe?"
Victoria: "I'm going to go tell Riley."
Zach: "Nooooo!"
Zerul X
Getting sticky.
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2015
- Messages
- 92
- Likes received
- 393
Eh. I still think Vicky's whole insubordination was handled too lightly. It basically had no repercussions beyond her finding out that she mind-whammied people (which has it's own repercussions, but that's separate). She was blatantly insubordinate, threatened defection, attacked her boss/sister's fiance, and ended up needing to be restrained and all that came of it was a "No big deal. I've dealt with worse." If I was a part of pantheon, I'd not want to be on the same mission, let alone team, as her and I'd be worrying about how discipline gets handled in a group full of some of the scariest people since the Slaughterhouse Nine.
I can understand nothing happening immediately before the mission (her powers were key, so they couldn't just tie her up and deal with her afterwards) or while dealing with the director (that would have been horribly unprofessional and made pantheon as a whole look worse), but now they're detoxing after everything is done and she's still getting away scot free. Amelia seems to feel more guilt from the incident than Vicky, who only seems to be concerned about the mind whammy part of things.
I can understand nothing happening immediately before the mission (her powers were key, so they couldn't just tie her up and deal with her afterwards) or while dealing with the director (that would have been horribly unprofessional and made pantheon as a whole look worse), but now they're detoxing after everything is done and she's still getting away scot free. Amelia seems to feel more guilt from the incident than Vicky, who only seems to be concerned about the mind whammy part of things.
dasstan
:)
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 4,651
- Likes received
- 24,102
It's not like Pantheon has established policies and procedures. They've had exactly one incident where they were required to discipline a subordinate, and that was basically... "What the fuck, Lily? What the ever loving fuck? Don't do that again."
They're a bunch of teenagers. We probably won't see the fallout of the Vicky issue until the next time it happens, in which case there will be a blow up and lots of accusations.
evildice
(emotionally stable clown posse)
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 21,204
- Likes received
- 348,020
Yeah, and note how Lily remained in command even after her first outburst, and stayed on the team even after fucking up twice.
I'm not sure Victoria will relapse.
Hopefully Lisa or Rapture will have the "Thinker, think at thyself" talk with Vicky before their next mission.
Zerul X
Getting sticky.
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2015
- Messages
- 92
- Likes received
- 393
When did she mess up twice? Also, she was told she'd basically never have command again after that, wasn't she?
Prince Charon
Just zis guy, you know?
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2014
- Messages
- 10,063
- Likes received
- 40,496
Well, in one sense, that's sort of true, in that if she hadn't been fucking Mark, she wouldn't have had Vicky.
HorizonRunner
Making the rounds.
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 27
- Likes received
- 281
Okay, real talk. I love this story. I really do. I think, for the most part, you're a damn good writer who's doing a far better job than should be logically possible given your sheer rate of production.
But I'm about to be really, really nitpicky. Because there's this thing you do. It's not a big thing, and it's not even a hugely common thing. But you do it, and it makes me want to murder you.
See that?
Let's narrow it down.
Why do we follow a line of dialogue with "so-and-so said"? Because that person said the previous statement. As in "to say." With their larynx. And their tongue. Through their mouth hole. Or if they're a robot/alien/whatever, through the appropriate alternative means of talking.
You cannot give a line of dialogue though a smile. I cannot smile at you and have you suddenly understand that "It's going to rain tomorrow," because my facial expression, while a useful and versatile method of communication, cannot convey that kind of complex thought. (You can, of course "ask," "mumble," "respond," "explain," "pontificate," and so on, as these are all different ways of saying something. Additionally, you can probably get away with "breathed," "groaned," "whined," "gurgled," "cooed," and even "sighed," in a pinch.) You can, of course, infer what a smile means, but that's not what's happening here. Victoria Dallon just smiled words. Literally, her smile somehow conveyed that exact sentence. Ia Ia Vicky F'thagn!
SO TO TRY AND BE SOMEWHAT HELPFUL: A character is smiling, and you need to get this fact to the reader. Ignoring stylistic arguments and rabid screeches of "show don't tell," there are a few ways to do this.
1. "Well, I always did want to be famous," Vicky said with a smile./said, smiling.—quick and easy. Meaning is clear, and the Grammar Nazis pass it by. Not the most elegant, but neither you nor I are writing Great Expectations, here.
2. "Well, I always did want to be famous." Vicky smiled.—Action tags! It might seem counter intuitive, but you don't really need to include a comma after that first sentence. Generally, I'd recommend sprucing these up a bit more, like: ["Well, I always did want to be famous." Vicky smiled, easily shrugging off the gravity of the situation. She was getting disturbingly good at that, lately. "So what do we do now?"] But hey, that's just my style. Again, we're not James Joyce trying to impress his snobby writing buddies.
3. ...probably something like a dozen others that I can't think of right now. The English language is wonderful and weird like that.
You did this twice in the first half of this chapter, both times with Vicky, both times with a smile (Apparently Glory Girl's new powers also include speaking through her lip flesh), and I know you've done it in the past. I don't really care if you fix these—it's so minor that only serious nerds are even going to care—but just please, for the sanity of a frail man and the dubious sanctity of the English language, don't do it again? Please?
Unless this is some part of your devilish games, gaslighting language nerds to insanity by subtly abusing the commonalities, breaking down the linguistic dogmas and ushering in a new age of Babel-Talk, birthing forth an anarchistic explosion of free-structured faux-sentences and altered meanings, a postmodern maelstrom of vocabulatory shrapnel tearing out the throat of this comfortable paradigm we've come to know as "English."
"If that's what you're doing... by all means," I smile.
But I'm about to be really, really nitpicky. Because there's this thing you do. It's not a big thing, and it's not even a hugely common thing. But you do it, and it makes me want to murder you.
See that?
Let's narrow it down.
No. That is not how to English.
Why do we follow a line of dialogue with "so-and-so said"? Because that person said the previous statement. As in "to say." With their larynx. And their tongue. Through their mouth hole. Or if they're a robot/alien/whatever, through the appropriate alternative means of talking.
You cannot give a line of dialogue though a smile. I cannot smile at you and have you suddenly understand that "It's going to rain tomorrow," because my facial expression, while a useful and versatile method of communication, cannot convey that kind of complex thought. (You can, of course "ask," "mumble," "respond," "explain," "pontificate," and so on, as these are all different ways of saying something. Additionally, you can probably get away with "breathed," "groaned," "whined," "gurgled," "cooed," and even "sighed," in a pinch.) You can, of course, infer what a smile means, but that's not what's happening here. Victoria Dallon just smiled words. Literally, her smile somehow conveyed that exact sentence. Ia Ia Vicky F'thagn!
SO TO TRY AND BE SOMEWHAT HELPFUL: A character is smiling, and you need to get this fact to the reader. Ignoring stylistic arguments and rabid screeches of "show don't tell," there are a few ways to do this.
1. "Well, I always did want to be famous," Vicky said with a smile./said, smiling.—quick and easy. Meaning is clear, and the Grammar Nazis pass it by. Not the most elegant, but neither you nor I are writing Great Expectations, here.
2. "Well, I always did want to be famous." Vicky smiled.—Action tags! It might seem counter intuitive, but you don't really need to include a comma after that first sentence. Generally, I'd recommend sprucing these up a bit more, like: ["Well, I always did want to be famous." Vicky smiled, easily shrugging off the gravity of the situation. She was getting disturbingly good at that, lately. "So what do we do now?"] But hey, that's just my style. Again, we're not James Joyce trying to impress his snobby writing buddies.
3. ...probably something like a dozen others that I can't think of right now. The English language is wonderful and weird like that.
You did this twice in the first half of this chapter, both times with Vicky, both times with a smile (Apparently Glory Girl's new powers also include speaking through her lip flesh), and I know you've done it in the past. I don't really care if you fix these—it's so minor that only serious nerds are even going to care—but just please, for the sanity of a frail man and the dubious sanctity of the English language, don't do it again? Please?
Unless this is some part of your devilish games, gaslighting language nerds to insanity by subtly abusing the commonalities, breaking down the linguistic dogmas and ushering in a new age of Babel-Talk, birthing forth an anarchistic explosion of free-structured faux-sentences and altered meanings, a postmodern maelstrom of vocabulatory shrapnel tearing out the throat of this comfortable paradigm we've come to know as "English."
"If that's what you're doing... by all means," I smile.
fireball900
World Conqueror (not Overlord)
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2015
- Messages
- 903
- Likes received
- 10,872
I'm now having this terrible(ly funny) image of Zach 'bending over,' Theo 'entering'... and Zach poofing into dust
dasstan
:)
- Joined
- May 23, 2014
- Messages
- 4,651
- Likes received
- 24,102
A new and disturbing meaning to "eat my dust".I'm now having this terrible(ly funny) image of Zach 'bending over,' Theo 'entering'... and Zach poofing into dust
Last edited:
jaelin910
habitual lurker
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 502
- Likes received
- 3,303
found some typos in early chapters
kinda got too into the story to notice anything for a while
aaaand then a while after this I lost interest so.....yeah (hey, it's like the fourth time I've done a re-read)
been named
I know what's going on there and the apparent perspective change still gets to me (just a comment)
that could actually be pretty interesting (just a comment)
a lot
wouldn't
either that's meant to be 'doors' or you chose perhaps the most awkward possible way to phrase that
kinda got too into the story to notice anything for a while
wallis
aaaand then a while after this I lost interest so.....yeah (hey, it's like the fourth time I've done a re-read)
Dude
Getting out there.
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2015
- Messages
- 10
- Likes received
- 26
I'm watching you.