Amelia, Ch 323- Missy
I was waiting at the pad when Theo returned. I may not have my powers, but Calysta didn't need me to have my powers in order for her to fly. What I wasn't expecting was that he would return alone.
"What happened to everyone else?" I asked.
"The Tinkers and Thinkers are staying behind, doing their usual planning," he started. Okay, that makes sense. It also removed pretty much the vast majority of our team in that one swipe. Almost all the people living here were our Thinkers and Tinkers. "There are also a lot of injured. Beelzebub was a messy fight."
"What happened?" I asked. Please don't let there be something that I could have done to make the difference.
"It was a summoner type Endbringer," he told me. "Can we go inside? I'm tired and I need a shower. Sorry."
"Oh, sure, no problem," I stuttured. It hurt a little that he wasn't more excited to see me, but he sounded exhausted. Not just physically. He sounded hollow, like the light echo he created when speaking while he had his power up around him. I was tired, too. "I could use a shower, too."
"Thanks for understanding," he responded.
We took off toward the living area building, letting Calysta and Macula do the work. What happened? I wanted to ask, but I couldn't. My fault I couldn't be there to help, so I'd stay silent, now. I could accept that, as penance for my mistake.
We took our showers, separately of course. My hand and wrist ached, now that it had time to stiffen up after my workout session. I probably broke my hand on that damn punching bag. I'd need to ask Riley to look at it later. Just one more way others had to pick up the slack and cover for my stupid mistakes.
I was done before Theo, and waiting by his door when he opened it. He'd changed to street clothes, and I hadn't worn anything except the street clothes today. There was no real impetus for me to protect my identity on Avalon, I had no life outside Pantheon anymore. Brockton Bay was gone, and Lisa had somehow convinced my mother that it was fine for me to live here full time, like Dinah and a few others were doing. I suspected bribery was involved, but never did get the courage up to ask. I'd rather let myself remain ignorant on the subject. I had enough things to angst about without finding out Mom sold me for spare cigarette money.
The only thing that would be worse would be finding out Lisa used something less obvious.
"Sorry for being rude earlier," he said the moment he opened the door.
"You weren't rude," I responded. He was adorable when he was trying to apologize. "It was a rough day."
Endbringers always are, that's a universal truth. Sure, Pantheon gave as good as we got in those battles, but for every victory we made against them, they extracted their price in return. The difference was, at least Pantheon did have victories against them. No one else could honestly claim they'd even gotten close.
"Thanks for understanding," he smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. He pulled me into a hug. He smelled pretty neutral, after the bath. Clearly using the generic shampoo material grown from the Yggdrasil. I allowed myself the luxury of buying quality bath soaps. Nothing against Amelia, but she did not understand the value of a good shampoo. Neither did Theo, but he was a guy so that was to be expected.
"I'd be a pretty bad girlfriend, or human being for that matter, if I couldn't accept that you might be tired after fighting a city killing abomination," I dismissed his praise.
"Doesn't mean I can't appreciate it," he responded, leaning back a little to look me in the eyes. "One of those things I love about you."
"So that's what you love?" I smiled, feeling warm inside. It wasn't just that he said it, it was that I believed him. "You mean it's not the part where I kissed your other girlfriend in front of you?"
"You've been spending too much time around Zach," he didn't laugh, but at least he smiled for real.
"Your fault," I countered, stepping around him and entering his room. Dorms or no, each of us had pretty nice places to stay here. Plenty of space, almost all of it downstairs.
What one saw from above looked like five or six buildings, each only about two stories tall. If you could look at it from a room diagram, it was a massive underground complex that all interconnected like prairie dog tunnels. I plopped down on one of the Yggdrasil couches and stretched out. "Now, tell me everything."
"Shouldn't I be the one on the couch?" he asked, standing in front of me.
"Sure," I agreed, sitting up.
He sat down next to me, and I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down. "What?"
"You took my comfy sleeping spot," I pointed out. "Now I have to use you as a replacement." I climbed on top of him, and put my head on his chest. "Those are the rules."
"I'm pretty sure that rule is only meant for cats," he argued. He didn't put up too much resistance, instead stroking my hair with one of his hands. The other was caught under us. One of those unfortunate problems with having an arm on both sides, there weren't many ways to cuddle without at least one limb getting in the way.
"Too late, already napping," I quipped, closing my eyes. "So, do you want to talk about it? The Endbringer, I mean."
"No," he responded, I felt him shudder as he tried to take a breath. Oh. "But I should. It was horrible. I had to kill people. A lot of them."
"The infection?" I asked, recalling what Dinah told me.
"They were still alive, Missy," he shook as he breathed out. "I know they were under control of the Endbringer. I know they couldn't be saved, that they were in pain and being used as puppets. Or at least that's what everyone else insists. But I can't force myself to believe it. They were still human beings. When they screamed, it was in fear and pain. They were victims, Missy, not monsters. I tried to make it quick. Painless as I could. But..."
He sobbed, and I felt my body jolt from the spasm. I've never seen him cry before. He was always so stoic about things like that. I looked up at him, brushed his cheek and felt wetness.
"If they said there was nothing that could be done, I believe it," I insisted.
"Some of them were children," I felt his face shift as he clenched his eyes shut. "I don't just mean teenagers. I mean children. Five and six year olds, too young to even comprehend what was happening to them. All they understood about it was the fear and pain and me killing them. How am I supposed to live with that?"
"I don't know," I admitted. I should have been there. To share some of the burden. Instead Theo had to go through that, while I had a workout and talked to Dinah about Shakespeare. I fucked up and wasn't able to help, then. I needed to help, now. "It's not your fault. It's the fucking Endmakers."
"I've never killed before," he spoke quietly. "I didn't want to. But if they got out, they could have spread their infection to millions of others. And I thought about what Dream Girl did and how I could have prevented everything she did by stopping her for real, and I didn't and I hated my self. This time I did and I hate myself even more. This isn't what being a hero is supposed to be about."
"No, it's not," I agreed. "But the deck is stacked against heroes. The source of our powers is the enemy to all of us. Monsters using us as weapons tests. It's not your fault, or mine, or those people who were used by that Endbringer. In the end, it's all Scion's fault. And we know it doesn't care about the suffering we're going through. We're just food that's getting played with first."
"That doesn't absolve us of responsibility," he responded.
"I know," I sighed, I stroked his cheek gently. His skin was rough since he hadn't shaved for a couple days. "But maybe it can help put things into perspective. Let you think more about what would have happened if you didn't do anything. How many more would have died?"
"I don't know if I can," he replied. "Thinking of people like that. This many dead so that many more can live. I just... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I start treating people like that."
I squeezed him. "I know," I closed my own eyes. "You care about people too much for that. It's part of why I love you. I'm willing to bet if Riley was here, she'd agree fully. You're a good man."
He was quiet for a while. "Thanks, that means a lot."
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A/N- Dammit, Missy, stop hogging all the limelight!
